Jim Norton: Monster Rain (2007) - full transcript

- Thank you!

Aw, thank you very much.

Thank you, guys.
Man, that was nice.

Thank you so much for
coming here tonight.

Thank you all for risking
your lives and coming to

this neighborhood.

Jesus Christ!

If I do another special,
maybe I can get

a theatre in fallujah.

It's so nice. I had a great
thing happen this week.

I was out with my
girlfriend's family... who I did



not want to be out with... and
I found a wonderful way to end

the evening early.

When it gets really quiet at
the table, you just blurt out

"boy, I sure would love to
fuck that Dakota fanning!"

But don't be creepy about it.

After you say it,
just make this face.

I got a text from my girlfriend.

I did not bring her with me.

She's back at my apartment in
New York, and as I'm coming

tonight for the gig, she
sends me a text that says,

"you know, you're
out of toilet paper."

And I'm thinking, "all right.
Did she happen to notice,

or is there a situation?"

And I don't want to
think about that.



You never want to think about
your girlfriend, you know,

beading up sweat on
her forehead, turtling.

So I ignore it.

A minute later, I
get another text...

"what am I supposed to do?"

I don't know.
A handstand in the shower.

Jesus Christ!
What do you want
me to tell you?

Grab a sock, learn
to improv already.

You're 15 years old!

And I got to be honest, man,
I like having a girlfriend!

I was single for so long... 5
years... and I like being

in a relationship,

and there's little weird
things to get used to.

Like after sex, as we're
laying there, I have to keep

repeating to myself,
"do not hand her cash.

Do not hand her cash."

Which is still a nice
improvement over last year,

when it was, "ignore
the Adam's apple.

Ignore the Adam's apple."

We've all made that
mistake, haven't we?

Ha ha ha!

You're receiving an
amazing blow job.

All of a sudden, you're like,
"wow! That's a wide back

for a gal."

Well, now you're at a
crossroads because this is

technically a homosexual act.

Yet on the other hand,
this fella sure knows

his business.

What do you do?

I mean, instinctively,
you understand

there's a no refund policy,
so I tend to just laugh

good-naturedly at myself
and then blast a load

right in his face.

And ever since this
relationship has been

happening, I've been trying
to, like, fix up my place

a little bit because my
apartment right now is

very male-orientated.

It's geared for me.

Like, all I have is, like,
signed black sabbath shit

on the walls, like, photos of
me and ozzy and me and kiss.

It's like my girlfriend comes
over, and she feels like she's

dating a 12-year-old retard.

But I don't know what to
buy that she would like.

I'm an idiot.
I don't know what women want.

I would just hand up
giant photos of dicks.

"You like that,
you size queen?"

So I enlisted the help of my
gay friend because gay people

have so much of a better vibe
for a woman's sensibility than

straight men do, but gay
people are very arrogant.

Like, I took my friend,
furniture shopping, and he's

a gay comic, and I found
this sofa that I love,

so I call him over.
I'm like, "what do you think?"

And he's so condescending.

He runs his hand over the
back, and he's like, "eeeechhh!

You idiot, the
material's too rough."

Then I realize we had
different priorities

when sofa shopping.

When I'm buying one, I don't
have to wonder what it's going

to feel like mushed into my
face for an hour at a time.

To feel like mushed into my
face for an hour at a time.

He has to worry about that...

Because he has narcolepsy.

He tends to doze off
while he's getting poked

in the shitter.

But I'm not homophobic,
I guess, because I've been

such a pervert for so long.

Like, I've been sexually
active since I was in second

grade, and, you know, growing
up I didn't give a shit.

I played monster rain when
I was a kid, which I told...

I did tell that story
on the radio,

and it was a fun little game.

Miss, you look a
little confused.

Are you not familiar with it?

You never heard of monster rain?

It's the most adorable thing!

And it's true, too.

When I was very young,
my little friend and I would

walk along, and one of us
would yell, "monster rain!"

And then to get away from the
monster rain, we'd hide under

a porch and blow each other.

A porch and blow each other.

That's how we escaped
the monster rain.

In hindsight, an umbrella
would have been more prudent.

And it wasn't about
being gay, though.

It was just about feeling
somebody's mouth on your dick,

and the key...

Again, second grade.

It was about getting your
friend to go first because,

like, the key...

Because there's no subtlety
when you're that young.

Like, if my friend would blow
me and then go "my turn!"

You know, I'd be like, "I
got to go eat lunch!"

And leave him under the
porch with his shame

and dick breath.

Then I'd rat him out to
the whole neighborhood.

"He's a queerbait.

He licked my dingle."

But I think gay men are
fascinating, though, because I

heard they do this
thing called "docking."

All right. A couple
people have heard of this.

Docking supposedly is when two
guys will stand face to face

and put their dick heads
together, and one of the guys

has to be uncircumcised...

- Ha ha ha!

And the uncircumcised guy
peels his foreskin over the

head of the other guy's penis,
and that's where I bailed out

of the conversation.

But I am so mad at myself.

I really wish I had stuck with
it because I'm dying to know

what happens next?
What do you do?

Do you say anything to each
other, or do you just look

at each other and
laugh hysterically?

I'm actually jealous.

That's the coolest thing I've
ever heard of that gay guys

can refuel in mid air.

And I did my first midwestern
gigs... I was in Kansas City

actually at the same time that
that, hurricane, torna...

What was it?

Tornado... whatever, whatever.

Hillbilly mover.

Merciful wind from
a knowledgeable god.

And I spent some
time down south.

I went to Dallas,
which was really cool.

When I was down there, I went
to see where jfk was shot

at dealey Plaza.

Has anybody made the trip,
made that pilgrimage

down there?

It's kind of awe
inspiring, right?

It's, it's smaller than
I thought it would be.

And the only difference
between that day and today is

the stemmons freeway sign,
which he disappeared behind,

has been taken away, and where
he took the third and final

shot, a big white "x" has been
painted in the street so you

know exactly where it happened.

Um, at least I hope that
was put there after

the assassination because...

If that was there the day of,
that's sloppy police work.

"Oswald didn't act alone.

He had a puerto rican
kid with him."

But there's an "x," and what
people will do is when traffic

is stopped up at the light,
they run out into the street,

they stand on the "x,"
and they get their photos

taken, and you're watching
this like, "you voyeuristic,

morbid piece of shit."

Until it's your turn to
have your photo taken.

You try to look dignified.

I didn't care.
I fucked around.

I didn't care.
I fucked around.

I even did a little Jackie.

But after I came off the "x,"
this annoying, awful couple

was behind me, and they had
been snipping at each other

the whole time, and so
the awful woman runs out,

and she's standing there,
and she's just yelling at her

stupid husband, and this
nervous fruit is trying to

operate his camera, and a car
is headed towards her, and she

doesn't see it, so I go,
"let it happen."

I saw the greatest story of
my life about to unfold,

and stupid, pussy-whipped
husband warned her, and as he

warned her, you could see him
regretting it because he's

like, "get out of the way!"

But in his face he was like,

"why the fuck am I saying this?"

How funny would that have been?

Two people in history
killed on that spot...

Jfk and that bitch.

And I actually lived out in
Los Angeles for a little while

when I was out there
shooting "lucky Louie."

I thank those of you that
supported "lucky Louie."

Despite my fucking muggy acting.

"Where are you, Lou?"

Jesus Christ.

And I think we
deserved season two.

Unfortunately, we got
cancelled, but that happens.

Um, what bothers more is not the
fact that we got cancelled.

It's the fact that we got
cancelled and you can still

turn on 8 different
channels and watch poker.

Enough with the poker
obsession in this country.

My fat friend
is obsessed with it.

He's like, "dude, you
want to play hold 'em?

Let's play hold 'em!"

All "all right.
How about this?

"I'll pull out my balls.

Hold 'em with your mouth."

And it kind of bugs me
because to me they're not

showing gamblers.

Like, I'm a recovering
alcoholic and

a recovering addict.

I understand the
mania of obsession.

You know, if one is good,
50 is better!

I mean, I cannot stop ever.

So show me that type of gambler.

Don't show me the top
one one thousandth of a percent

of rich gamblers.

Show me the average schlub.

"Tune in next week to watch
Doyle brunson punch his wife

"in the face because she's
crying because the lights are

turned off again."

Because I don't think those
guys are playing for their own

money anyway because
they're all celebrities now,

so they're playing for sponsor
money or network money.

To me, that's not interesting.

How about a little risk?

That would make it more
interesting to me as a viewer.

Like, if they win they keep
the money, but if they lose

they have to drink gas or
blow an aids patient.

A bit harsh, perhaps,
but let's see your poker face

now, motherfucker.

Now, motherfucker.

"Well, judging by the looks
of things, if he doesn't pull

a 5 or a 7, he's going to
be losing weight rapidly."

And I actually...

I actually enjoyed L.A.
more than I ever have.

I kind of like it out
there now, um,

but I had a very bad injury.

A lot of people have heard
me complain about my foot.

Um, I twisted my ankle horribly.

What actually happened is
I was in a building in

Los Angeles that was burning,
and I was trying to run out,

of course, because, you know,
nobody one wants to lose their

lips and eyelashes.

Jesus Christ.

God bless burn victims.

They always look like
they walked into their own

surprise party.

Little tuft of hair.

If it's any consolation,
I don't really feel good

about that line either.

So I'm in this building,
and I'm running for the front

door, and I tripped over
a small, um, kid, who

had fallen.

Totally his fault.

You know how
selfish children are.

"Help me!"

"Fuck you!"

And now I got to get surgery.

Um, I could have avoided
surgery if I had just put some

insoles in that were
supportive, but did you ever

remember the commercial for a
product and the commercial is

so awful you don't want to
support that advertising

through product purchase?

That "you gellin'?"
Ad campaign...

I want to find who wrote that.

I want to bite their nose
off and spit it back in their

fuckin' face.

If you haven't seen the
commercial, in the commercial

there's been a bit of a Fender
bender, and the two gentlemen

are outside surveying the
damage, and they realize

they're in a better mood than
they should be considering

they've had a little accident
and there's a 10-year-old

trapped in between the bumpers.

And they intuitively recognize
that their good mood can be

directly attributed to
their comfy footwear!

So they address each other.

The one guy goes
"you gellin'?"

And the other guy
goes "like Magellan."

And then they suck
each other's dicks.

And then they suck
each other's dicks.

Gellin' is in the word Magellan.

That's not a real rhyme.

"How long you been tired?"

"Ever since I retired" is not
a legitimate rhyme scheme.

They could have had
fun with that!

One of the gentlemen
was African-American.

How great would that have been?

"You gellin'?"

"Like a watermelon."

Maybe a prostitute walks
in and says to her pimp,

"you gellin'?"

And he knocks her teeth out.

"Bitch, get back
to pussy sellin'!"

Thank you, by the way,
for laughing at the racially

inappropriate one.

Why do white people have
such a guilt complex?

We don't need to feel guilty.

Most of us don't
need to feel guilty.

If you're over 70 and you
live in Mississippi, ok.

Chances are, you owe a few
apologies, but a lot of times,

we don't even realize we have
it until we see another white

person doing something racist,
and then we all react

a certain way because it
taps into something in us.

Like, Michael Richards.

That was the greatest
thing ever because this

fucking asshole goes onstage
in Los Angeles and yells all

this shit that most people
only think or yell out a car

window, and the whole
country is in an outrage.

"Could you believe
what he said?"

"Yeah."

Why? Because I don't' take
my social or racial

cues from him.

He's not a politician.

He's not my spiritual advisor.

He's a jerk-off who made a
living for 10 years sliding

on a floor going
"hellooo, Jerry."

I don't give a fuck
about anything he thinks.

And the fact that imus got
fired is a fucking disgrace.

It's a fucking disgrace.

- But everybody knew he
didn't mean it to be hateful.

He was only trying to make
an ugly joke about a bunch

of girls, and people
turned it around.

Are we not allowed to make
fucking ugly jokes anymore?

Look. I hate to break it to
you, but the rutgers female

basketball team...

They're not lookers.

They're not lookers.

That's one reason they're
so good at what they do.

They had to practice
in high school.

You know, it's like, "well,
it's a Saturday night.

"We're all 6'5", and
no one will fuck us.

What do you want to do?"

"I don't know. Let's throw
the ball around

for a little while."

Why do you think I'm a comedian?

Because I got
pussy all the time?

No!

And I love the way
politicians have to weigh in.

Like Hillary Clinton,
who never takes a stand until

the public has decided,
was gonna go and visit

the team to help the
healing begin.

Does this phony bitch had to
get her mullet into the middle

of everything?

Of everything?

With her phony voice inflection.

"I want to go and
help everybody heal."

Shut up, puppet mouth.

What was she gonna say to
a bunch of athletes?

"You know, it's ironic that
you all play basketball,

yet I have thicker calves
and ankles than all of you."

Or maybe she was worried. She
thought her husband fucked

a couple of them.

Maybe that was the problem.

When are women going to stop
looking at Hillary Clinton

like she's the picture
of strength and feminism.

Why? All she did is stay with
a guy who fucked everybody.

He was rubbing his dick on
a fat girl's face.

"I didn't see it.
It didn't happen."

What really bothered me
though, it wasn't the fact

that politicians came out
against it... because they are

all scumbags, and that's
what you expect them to do.

It was the fact the way the
rest of the country jumped

on that bandwagon.

The phony outrage
around imus made me sick.

Hip-hop was outraged!

Rappers. Snoop!

Snoop!

Not the adorable one who
lays on the doghouse

with the little bird on him.

No. The other one with
the gun charges.

Snoop said it was degrading
to black women, as opposed to

when he walks them into
awards shows on a leash.

When he walks them into
awards shows on a leash.

And somebody asked snoop,
"well, what about rap lyrics?"

And snoop said, and I quote,
"well, it's different in rap

"because we're not talking
about girls in college who are

"excelling in sports.

"We're talking about hos from
the neighborhood who ain't

doing shit but trying to get
a nigger for his money."

Well said.

And you know the number two
hip-hop song in the country

when the imus thing happened
was "I'm a flirt" by r. Kelly,

and in it, he calls girls hos,
and we all remember

the friendly little video he
put out a few years ago.

"There's no toilet available.

Come here, kid. You'll do."

Whoopi goldberg
really annoyed me.

It's like, whoopi,
you're a comedian.

Why they fuck would you
be against anyone

saying anything?

Especially racial when she
had her whole thing

with Ted Danson.

Remember the Ted Danson
incident a few years ago?

15 years ago, whatever?

They were dating.

I raelly am an asshole who
should have read the facts

before I started pontificating
like a fucking bore.

But her and Ted Danson were
getting all this racism

for their relationship,
so to address the racism,

at a friar's club thing,
Ted Danson put

on blackface and ate
watermelon, and the whole

country jumped on him,
and whoopi jumped to his

defense saying, "no.
He's not a racist.

He was just doing
this and that."

Why is it ok to defend
Ted Danson and not imus?

Why? Because imus is a little
older and he's not

good-looking and crazy
enough to fuck whoopi?

I don't know how
she pulled off...

I don't know how she
pulled off Ted Danson.

Maybe she had photos of
him fucking blowing norm or

somebody else from that show.

People love being offended
and feeling

self-righteous indignation.

It's like if you
talk about islam.

You can't make fun of islam
because that makes you

islamaphobic, which
is fear of islam.

Ok. Accurate.

Look. I don't hate muslims. I
really don't, but as a group,

their problem-handling skills
are not good.

A Danish cartoonist did
an offensive cartoon.

All over the middle east,
they were rioting

and trampling each other
to death and setting

embassies on fire.

Don't muslims ever just
fire off an angry e-mail?

"I didn't appreciate that."

Send!

And during the riots... during
the riots, I saw some footage

form Pakistan, which
really hurt because it's my

favorite vacation spot,
and there was a group of very

pissed off muslims attacking a
McDonald's, and they said they

were attacking it because
it was American.

Look. I understood why
they were mad at America.

A Danish cartoonist did
something offensive, it was

reprinted in France, Germany,
and Turkey, so naturally it's

our fault!

But they were attacking...

You know the creepy Ronald
that sits on the bench

and stares into the playland?

They had knocked him into
the dirt, and they were

stomping on him,
you know, because he's a Jew.

And they were staring
defiantly into the camera.

Like we, as Americans,
are gonna sit home

going, "no.

"Not the shiny, red-headed,
plastic pedophile, who sits

"outside the restaurant that
makes me shit 3 minutes

"after I eat it.

Noooo!"

What are they gonna do next?

Cut the clit off
the Wendy's girl?

Look. Every religion gets
attacked somehow in the media.

It's not acceptable
to react violently.

Not long after those riots,
kanye west appeared

on the cover of "rolling
stone" wearing a crown

of thorns, and that
offended and pissed off
a lot of people.

It didn't bother me.
I knew why he was doing it.

Like, he's a rapper, they're
underpaid, they're martyrs.

I get it.

But there was a lot of very,
very angry christians,

but they weren't showing
violence, they weren't

attacking black interests,
you know, running through

supermarkets, dumping
kool-aid all over the floor.

Beating the shit out of
300-pound white girls who are

pissed off at their fathers.

Pissed off at their fathers.

I will say one thing
about islamic terrorism.

It has made white people and
black people a lot happier to

see each other in the airports.

I do not have one ounce of
racial discomfort with black

people on a plane.

I don't care if I'm
the only white face.

It could be me and
the wu-tang clan.

"Welcome aboard, fellas."

Granted, I'm not going to
hear a word

of the in-flight movie...

But at least I know we're
going to have a safe,

hijacking-free flight.

Then once we land, they
can beat the shit out of me

and take my starter
jacket at baggage claim.

And, like, as Americans,
we don't want to be racist.

I don't want to make middle
eastern guys who are just

living honest lives feel
uncomfortable, but it's

instinctive because the
attacks are being carried out

by civilians, so if I see
middle eastern guys getting

on my flight, I wish I didn't,
but I look a little... a

little differently.

Um, you know, I try to look
like I'm an air marshal...

But I'm not at all
intimidating, so I look like

I'm cruising them in
a rest area.

For a while, you couldn't
bring water on the flight.

That is scary... water!

All I want on a plane is to
not hit a mountain and sip

my beverage.

Why water?

Why couldn't they put bombs
inside a crying infant?

How great would that be?

Finally, no more of
those little douchebags

on the plane.

"That's my baby."

Fuck you, lady. Anyone
under 5 has to be fedexed.

I'm not blowing up in mid-air
because your husband didn't

have the decency to pull
out and aim for your face.

I tell you one thing, man,
we really are becoming

a celebrity-obsessed country,
and the media is just

repulsive, and I'm not saying
I don't get star-struck or I

don't love celebrities.

I do. I love them, but,
Jesus Christ, the way they

covered the Virginia tech
shooting is the same way
they covered imus.

It's the same way they covered
Anna Nicole Smith's death.

Are we ok to talk
about that now?

Are we over it?

I had to take a week off myself.

Could you believe it was drugs?

Did we need a fucking
press conference for that?

They should have come
out an hour later.

"What the fuck do
you think it was?

"It was as plane crash.

"She died in a plane crash.

Her plane hit a mountain
of methamphetamines."

Jesus Christ. That junkie
bitch, they found everything

in her system but trimspa.

You know, and the
Britney Spears coverage.

She's so fucking phony.

And I don't hate Britney.

Again, I started to like
her when she tried to

look like me.

I don't think she's
in big trouble.

I think she's being phony and
just doing the whole "star

with a problem" routine to
get some attention

because nobody's talking
about her anymore.

Nobody talks about fucking her.

Nobody cares.

I mean,
for years she was really sexy,

and now people just look at
her like she's a mom and not

like a sexy milf type of
mother but a shitty

Susan Smith type of bitch.

I mean, Jesus Christ.

At least Angelina Jolie goes
to some third world shitbox

and grabs some fucking thing
and puts it on her shoulder

and washes it and waves
at the crowd.

And makes us all feel guilty.

We get it. You're a
better person than we are.

We get it.

But, Jesus Christ,
Britney had her own kids.

She's swinging on by the cock,
the other one's on the hood

of the car.

She's doing 80.

Jesus Christ. K-fed was no
dummy because he got Britney

pregnant twice.

You know every time he fucked
her he probably just came

and went,"
cha-ching. Cha-ching."

He probably didn't waste
a load in 3 years.

She'd go on the road,
he'd jerk off into a baggie,

and then when she came back,
he'd squeeze it into her pussy

like space food.

She'd wake up, he'd be between
her legs decorating a cake.

And I don't mind her trying
to recapture her sexy image.

That doesn't bother me.

It's the way she's being
dishonest about it.

Just pose naked.

Don't try to hang out with
Paris Hilton and suck off some

of that vibe without taking
the risk of being really nude

because Paris Hilton deserves
to be a sex symbol because she

had sex, had the decency to
film it and sell it, and I

appreciate that.

I respect that, even though
it was that awful green light

that they use to catch
Mexicans sneaking into Texas.

But she was a good lay.

That should be a requirement
to be a sex symbol in this

day and age.

We should have to see you fuck.

Who knows what
Marilyn Monroe was like?

She might have been awful.

She might have grabbed
DiMaggio's balls and just

smashed them like, "arrrwww."

Paris Hilton was wonderful.

She took Rick Salomon's big
old dick with a big Hilton "h"

behind her...
How do you not love that...

Shaming mother and father.

I would have respected her
more if she did it

in a ramada inn.

That would have been a great
fuck you to the family.

Mmwww, mmwwww.

"And these beds are so comfy!"

Mmwww, mmwww.

But you see, Britney Spears
tried to take a page out

of that playbook by doing the
little oopsie shots when she

got out of the limo.

"Oopsie Daisy. Don't
look up my skirt.

Tee hee hee. Don't look!"

And her pussy was the
ugliest pussy I have ever seen

in my life.

Britney Spears'
vagina was atrocious.

It looked like bill
Murray's mouth in caddyshack.

And another thing I resent is
the fact that Heather mills is

somehow now a celebrity in
our country, Paul McCartney's

soon-to-be ex-wife.

Why is she a celebrity?

I don't know what happened
in their marriage.

I'm not going to say I do,
but as far as I'm concerned,

it's her fault.

Bitch, you have one leg,
and you married

one of the Beatles.

How do you fuck that up?

Every conversation in that
house should have been, "I'm

a little hungry, love."

"Here's your sandwich."

Blla, blla, blla, blla.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.

"We're out of
toilet paper, love."

"Are we?"

Blla, blla, blla, blla.

Hop, hop, hop.

She wants $60 million?

That bitch. She should leave
that marriage with nothing

but a bag of pristine
left shoes.

I'd love to push her into
a pool and watch her swim

in circles for an
hour and a half.

Why would he marry her?

You want to fuck her doggie
style, you got to prop her up

with phone books.

Aw, you know who I have
grown to love by the way?

Can I tell you who I never liked
and like now? Ann coulter.

I never liked her because I
think she's kind of a snotty

twat of a human being,
but she has balls, man.

She refused to apologize.

She called John Edwards a
faggot, and the whole country

was, you know, "how could she
call John Edwards a faggot?"

Gee. I don't know.

Maybe she looked at him once?

The guy has hair like one
of the lego people.

And to me, he proved the fact
that he wasn't qualified to be

president or anything else
because he couldn't even be

honest as a man in his
response to what she said.

He came off like some fucking
mid-level retail manager.

"I have no opinion
on Ann coulter."

How could you not?

She just told the whole
country that you suck dicks.

How do you not make fun
of Ann coulter?

She's an 80-pound anorexic
with witch hair and a neck

like a tranny.

How do you not trash her?

Ooh! Would I like to dominate
that dirty bitch sexually.

I would be really fucking
hardcore with her because I am

very dominant in bed.

Yeah. A lot of people
say it's rape.

No.

No.

At the end, I always show
them that the gun is fake.

I'm like,"

"you got me.
Tee hee hee hee hee!"

I would like to grab
Ann coulter by the hair and just

lay her back and have her head
hang over the edge of the bed

and pinch her nose,
and when she went...

I would just straddle her
face and mouth-fuck her.

Ughhh.

Uhhhn.

She would sound like
Luca brasi being killed.

"Ohhhhh!"

Tears would roll out over
the top of her forehead

and into her hair.

"Ughhh!"

Jesus Christ. Now you
can't even say faggot.
That's the f-word.

"Don't say the f-word.
Don't say the n-word.
Don't say the c-word."

How the hell is anyone
supposed to know when you're

addressing them?

And it's so weird. Like,
I have to pull back.

My girlfriend's really
open-minded, but I panic that

I'm gonna freak her out
because I have been such
a dirtbag for so long.

Like, you ever think you know
what somebody wants sexually,

and then you realize that
you read her wrong?

You know what I mean?

You're like, "I bet you
want to be spanked."

"I don't like being spanked."

"I don't blame you."

"Why would you?
You're an adult."

Or the worst, you ever go
to spank somebody and miss?

Sexy vibe over.

Like instead of a crispy slap
to the ass cheek, your wrist

clumsily thuds on her spine?

Thwack!

My cyst!

Now you got to wipe
tapioca off the wall.

But I notice weird
stuff in bed, too.

It's weird when you get to
know a new person sexually,

how, like, your mind
works really weird.

Like, you ever notice
non-sexual things

in a sexual moment?

Like, my girlfriend and
I were in bed.

I'm laying on my back trying
to suck in my stupid gut,

and she's sitting
between my legs, and she's

playing with me.

Sexy though. I mean,
it wasn't like "errrrhhh.

And I don't know why I noticed
that she was jerking me off

with her left hand.

I don't know why that
registered, and I certainly

don't know why I blurted
out "you're a lefty?"

I get so freaked
out sexually, man.

That's the source of my
greatest insecurity, and I

think that's the
truth with most men.

Maybe women, too.
I don't know.

Um, how much discussion of a
person's past sexual history

is appropriate?

I mean, like, you know,
are guys as a couple?

All right. Did you ask
her questions about her

past sexually?

No. You didn't. Ok.

There's two types of
men in the world...

Smart men...

And dumb motherfuckers.

That's the way to go.

Don't ask shit.

See, a lot of guys
don't want to know.

They want to think the
panties are coming off.

That is the pussy coming out
of the package for the very

first time.

You want to blow on it and see
those little packing peanuts

fly off of it, and I actually
made the mistake of asking my

girlfriend how big her
ex-boyfriend's dick was.

Check ethnicity first.

I don't know why I asked, man.

It was so stupid.

We're just talking. I'm like,
"well, did your ex have

a big dick?"

And she goes "why
would you ask me that?"

Which immediately set off a
little alarm because that's

a lot longer than "no."

I'm like, "I don't know.
I'm just curious.

Was his dick big?"

And she's like, "yeeaah,
but it was kind

of uncomfortable.

It was like a Pepsi can."

A Pepsi can?

"First of all, did you have
to be brand loyal?

"And second of all, you whore!

"How was that only kind
of uncomfortable?

If there's a Pepsi can in your
pussy, it should hurt a lot!"

And she's like, "well, I don't
know why it bothers you."

Gee, I don't know, because
my nickname isn't

two-liter Jimmy!

How do I follow that?

How do I ever dominate
her sexually again.

"Yeah, take it all, and 5 more
like it while you're at it.

Lay back, baby. I'm going
to fill you with averageness

and mediocrity."

A Pepsi can!

Red bull I maybe could
have accepted, but Pepsi?

And the better she tried
to make me feel, the more I

wanted to kill myself
because she was like,"

you shouldn't worry.

Yours is nice."

Ughhhh.

So's my grandmother.
You don't want her shoved

in your snatch do, you?

Nice? Good. The next time
I take my dick out, hand it

a lemon cookie and
pat it on the helmet.

Insecurity is so bad sexually
because we've also got this

thing going on... she knows a
lot about me, and we both... i'm

wearing condoms in
this relationship.

I'm wearing condoms in the
relationship, and it's not my

choice, believe me.

I mean, for years,
my idea of an aids

test was to check
a girl up and down.

"All right. You seem fine.

You're not coughing or
tipping over, I'll fuck you."

But my girlfriend was like,
"no. Before we have any

"unprotected sex, we are
both getting tested.

You get tested.
I'll get tested, too."

It's like stop patronizing me.
We both know who

the problem is.

"Why are you getting tested?

"Did you ever go to Brazil
and fuck a hooker

"without a rubber?

I didn't think so rookie.

Have jell-o.
I'll go to the doctor."

Never bring your girlfriend
to get your test results

because no girl wants to
see her boyfriend run out

of the doctor's office
screaming, "holy shit! I'm ok!

"I don't know how the
fuck that happened.

"Statistically, that
is a miracle.

"I never wore a bag.

Ha ha ha ha!"

What happened was one night we
were sending each other

over-the-top dirty
text messages,

just being silly and playful,

like rally dirty things like,
"I'm gonna smack your face

with my dick and knock
your teeth loose."

She wrote that to me!

And I think I said something
about, like, "I want you to

eat my ass until the cows
come home, you silly goose."

And I've never been big
on having my ass eaten.

I don't care about it.

Um, if you want to do it,
god bless you.

It does feel good.

Any of you, by the way,
male or female, would be lucky

to Bury your face in my dumper.

It's this big. There's not
a hair on the little fella.

It looks like Charlie brown's
head split down the middle.

And one girl I dated
loved to eat my ass.

She was a little submissive.
I'd put her on her back,

and I'd plop my
ass on her mouth.

I'd say something
sexy... "lick."

But one time, I think I
had too much weight on her

because she started
slapping my thigh.

It was like the ultimate
fighting championship.

She was trying to tap out.

I didn't realize she
couldn't breathe!

I lifted up, and she was like...

I almost killed a girl
with my asshole!

And I had very mixed feelings.

Like, I was glad she was ok,
but a part of me was like,

"man, that would have
been a great story."

So my girlfriend said to me...
We were talking later that

night about the text messages,
and she goes, "you know

the ass eating thing?"
I was like, "yeah."

And she's like, "I would never
eat your ass until you got

tested for hepatitis."

And it's like, Jesus Christ,
I understand

the science of it,
but you know I don't

have aids, gonorrhea,
syphilis, chlamydia.

So it's like the front is ok,
but the back needs

further testing?

It just felt really
annoying and creepy, so now I

am obsessed with her eating
my ass, and I got tested

for hepatitis.

I have nothing. I am
completely healthy, you know,

thanks to the magic
of white-out.

The way I'm going to break
it to her is she's gonna walk

into my living room one time.

I'm gonna have my pants
around my ankles and my head

on the edge of the sofa
with my test results

taped to my back.

"Read the menu, bitch.
Brunch is served."

And we try not to have
jealousy in the relationship

because jealousy is
a motherfucker

in a relationship, and I
have it worse than she does,

but I'll tell you what freaked
her out... the porn awards.

And the highlight of the porn
awards for me was not seeing

the hot chicks.

It was meeting different
celebrities like Larry flynt.

I got to talk to Larry flynt,
who got shot... especially

with all the shit that's
going on in our country now

over political correctness
and all this fucking nonsense.

He got shot for
free speech, man.

I tried to have, like,
a moment with him.

I'm like, "Mr. Flynt,
I just want to thank

"you for all you've done
for free speech.

"It means a lot to me
that you took a bullet

and you went
to the supreme court."

And I think I moved him on
some level, because he's

like, "auuuggghhhhh."

I'm paraphrasing.

Then I tipped over his
wheelchair and t-bagged him.

"Smell those,
godless pornographer!"

"Auuuggghhhhh."

And of course, the evening
would not be complete if I

didn't introduce two of my
favorite people in the world,

who are responsible for
so much of this

career... my career.

Opie and Anthony, stand up.

Opie and Anthony, you two.

No. Opie and
Anthony, stand up.

There you go.

There you go.

There you go.

Yes.

Thank you guys so much,
and thanks for coming, man.

I'm glad you guys are here.

Thank you, man.

Wouldn't it be funny if
they don't sign the release,

and I have to just
blob their heads out?

Shit. I got to tell you,
too, a really cool sexual

experience I had.

One of the coolest experiences
of my life I had

in the 2004 porn awards.

It was... I hosted with
Jenna Jameson, and after

the porn awards, I had a
threesome with Ron Jeremy.

And a girl, and a girl!

It wasn't Ron and a
guy and lucky Jim!

Or as I'm now known,
the shish kebab kid!

And I'll tell you
exactly what happened.

My friend Dennis owns the
bunny ranch, which is a legal

whorehouse in Nevada, which
he's invited me to many times,

and I've never gone to.

Like, I don't like the idea
that it's legal and fun.

If I'm gonna get a hooker,
I'm don't want to be

partying on a ranch.

I want to be behind a
warehouse in Brooklyn for $35.

You know, some black girl
with arms like Kobe Bryant

and a crooked blond wig.

"Hi, again, daddy."

All right, all right, all right.

But I was so depressed because
I was not meeting any girls

after the porn awards, so I go
up to Dennis' room, and this

is completely the truth.

It was the most surreal
thing I'd ever seen.

I walk into the room,
and there is Ron Jeremy
fucking a girl on the bed.

She's on her hands and
knees, and Ronnie is
standing behind her.

I walk in. He's like, "hey,
man, how're you doing?"

And I'm like, "all right."

And I can't see much because
he has a long hockey Jersey,

but then he pulls all the
way out, and there it was.

Jesus did I stare.

I think I even went, "oooh."

I was cock-struck.

I really wanted a
picture with it.

So he starts fucking her
again, and looks at me, and he

goes "hey, man. I think she
needs a cock in her mouth,"

which is my cue.

So I look at her to
see it it's ok

because you have to confirm
that. You can't just run over

and jam your dick
in someone's mouth.

You might feel like
a silly goose.

"What are you doing?"

"You look like
you needed it."

But she was totally cool.

And I'm normally not big
on being sexual in a group

because I get too nervous, man.

For me to keep an erection,
everything has to be perfect.

You know, "dim the lights,
touch my nipples, no talking!"

But this is Ron Jeremy.

This is like the pope
giving mass, saying,

"could you come up and help?"

All right. It's not
exactly like that.

So I take it out.

She grabs it, she
pops it in her mouth.

Ron is fucking her,
I am having a real

and legitimate threesome
with a porn legend, and I'm

thinking, "this is great."

Without warning, Ron grabs
her hips and goes pow!

And she jumps forward, and my
life flashes before my eyes.

And he sees the look on my
face, and he laughs, and he

goes, "ha! I did
that on purpose.

I just wanted to show you
the biggest no-no in porn.

Whenever you're having a
two-on-one, you never thrust

that hard, or you could
seriously injure the other guy."

"Thank you."

And then I realize, that's
how you know you have a giant

cock, when you can
injure another person...

Through a third party.

If I want to hurt you with my
dick, I have to pour tabasco

sauce on the helmet and
jam it in your eye.

And I got to say, I don't want
to end on too political a note.

I don't want to be too
political, but I got to say,

ladies, please,
shave your pussies.

Shave them!

I hate pubic hair!

If I see hair on your pussy,
I'll put tape on it

and rip it off myself.

Didn't have time to shave?

Then you shouldn't have
had time to eat lobster.

Evolution gives us pubic hair
so we don't freeze to death.

We have things now like
clothing and the indoors,

so unless a stegosaurus is
licking your twat, pick up

a razor, you chimp.

It's getting caught in my teeth.

And a lot of times,
women don't get it.

They always say things like,
"I don't want to shave it all.

It makes me look 12."

Yes!

You see, I like things on
women that sometimes you don't

even like on yourselves.

I find odd things sexy.

Like, I like big, dark areolas.

I love that.

The one that starts at
the nipple and ends

around the third rib.

I love that. Your titties
should look like you're

wearing a brown dunce cap.

And I like a shaved pussy
because I like to see it.

I love the way a vagina looks
just fucking bare and naked

and fucking massive.

I like a big pussy, a
stack of luncheon meat.

I like... unh... a gargoyle,
a fucking gargoyle.

After we fuck, I want to throw
your cunt on top of a library.

Fucking big, meaty pussy.

When you're wearing white
panties, it should look like

Freddie kruger coming
through the wall.

Unh.

Dangling, long labia.
A pussy that resembles

a poorly packed suitcase.

And I know a lot of girls are
going "that's disgusting."

I'm not talking to you.

So take your thin pussy
and fucking beat it.

Take that little guppy mouth
you call a cunt and hit

the bricks, sister.

I like a big, fat, juicy
vagina, and I like a big clit.

I want a clit you can
see through snow pants.

Big, giant lips and a fat clit.

It should look like a
basset hound wearing

a miner's helmet.

Retarded. I want your
pussy to look retarded.

It should have down syndrome.

When your panties come aside,
it should just flop out.

"Duhhhh."

My girlfriend has a great pussy.

Her vagina fucking rules.

It's of the smaller
variety, but it's wet.

I've never felt a wetter
pussy than my girlfriend's.

God love her little soul.

The first time I noticed,
we were in the car,

and, um...

And I felt it through her
jeans, and I pulled away,

and I got, like, that,
like... you know that sexy

slime you get?

Like, it feel like
somebody went "achoo."

Like, that sexy...

And obviously this is not the
sexiest way to put it, but I'm

like, "wow. You get wet.

And you're a lefty."

But I'm like,
"wow. You get wet."

And she's like, "yeah.
I've always been that way."

"Thanks. For a second
I thought it was me,

but, no, apparently it's anybody
with a hand or a Pepsi."

But, no, apparently it's anybody
with a hand or a Pepsi."

You ever get a squirter?

Anybody ever get a squirter?

A few guys have.
It's beautiful.

There are women that ejaculate
when they have an orgasm,

and I was, like, 25
before I realized this.

When I give head, I like
to be on my back.

Like, I want one leg
there and one leg there.

It's like wearing a pussy iPod.

You know, just pbbb.

But you got to be careful.

When you're in that position,
you are very vulnerable

because women are brutal, man.

When you're on your back,
she'll put her palm on your

forehead and then just
grind over your face.

You're not a human
being anymore.

Your face is a bumpy
thing she's using to rub

her clit on.

In her mind, she's 10,
and you're a horsy

in front of the supermarket.

Believe me. If you died,
she would not notice

until she was finished.

And you feel stupid,
so you try helping.

You're like, "auughh."

You're like
Terri schiavo eating pussy.

"Auughh. Auughh."

And this girl started to
have an orgasm.

It was like a super soaker.
It was like...

And I'm like, "gulp,
gulp, gulp, gulp."

I have never been more
turned on in my life.

I just wanted more.

I was like, "ahhhhhhh.

Rrrrrr."

"Rrrrrr."

And then after it was over,
she got self-conscious.

She's like, "that
wasn't piss!"

And I realized that it
hadn't occurred to me

whether it was or wasn't!

Thank you, guys, so
much for coming out.

Thank you, guys, very much.

Thank you very much.

I love you. Thank you.

Thank you, and thank you
to black sabbath!

Thank you to black sabbath.