Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale (2006) - full transcript

-JIM

GET UP!

-JIM

GET UP!

-GET UP!

-UGH! OHH, UGH... HMMM...

NARRATOR: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MR. JIM GAFFIGAN.

-WHOO!

WHOO-OO! EEE!

EEEE!

EEE!



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EEEEE!

EEE!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT STOP IT.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE ON DRUGS.

OH, HERE'S A PILL FELLA.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BE SO PALE.

OH, THAT SHIRT LOOKS LIKE A TABLECLOTH.

IS THAT A SHIRT OR A BLOUSE?

I THINK HE'S WEARING

HIS MOTHER'S BLOUSE.

HIS PANTS LOOK DIRTY.

I WONDER IF HE'S WEARING A THONG.

I DIDN'T WONDER THAT AND NOW I DO.



IS THIS ALL HE DOES?

THIS IS WEIRD.

I CAN BARELY HEAR WHAT HE'S SAYING.

IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE IN CHICAGO.

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT, APPRECIATE IT.

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.

I GUESS I SHOULD OPEN UP.

I'LL TELL A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF.

I AM KOREAN.

I COME FROM THE COUNTRY OF KOREA.

I'VE BEEN HERE FOR, HOW DO YOU SAY, ONE DAY.

ACTUALLY I WISH I WAS KOREAN, CAUSE THEN MY INTEREST IN

ASIAN WOMEN WOULDN'T BE CONSIDERED SO CREEPY.

HE LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

HE LOOKS LIKE A MORMON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH

LOOKING LIKE A MORMON?

ACTUALLY, I ONLY DATED ONE ASIAN GIRL.

BUT SHE WAS VERY ASIAN.

SHE WAS A PANDA.

HEY, I LIKE PANDAS.

THEY'RE ENDANGERED FELLA.

YOU AND YOUR GIRL SHIRT.

NOT KOREAN.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT ME.

BUT BOTH MY PARENTS WERE WHITE.

I THINK ONE OF THEM WAS A POLAR BEAR.

THAT'S WHY HE WENT OUT WITH A PANDA.

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BE DOING

BEAR JOKES.

HE'S DOING A BIG SPECIAL.

HE'S DOING JOKES ABOUT BEARS.

SEEMS WEIRD TO ME.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE EATS A LOT OF CANDY.

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I EVEN ENJOY WATCHING PEOPLE MAKE FOOD.

BUT YOU EVER NOTICE THE FOOD NETWORK IS FAR MORE

INTERESTING WHEN YOUR HUNGRY?

WHEN YOU'RE FULL YOU'RE LIKE, THIS IS STUPID.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY THE FOOD NETWORK'S LIKE PORN.

YOU'RE LIKE, OH YEAH.

WHIP IT UP BABY.

MAKE IT FOR ME.

IT IS A LITTLE EMBARRASSING WHEN SOMEONE CATCHES YOU

WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?

UH-UH THE FOOD NETWORK.

WELL WHY ARE YOUR PANTS OFF?

I LIKE FOOD.

A LOT.

I DO LOVE FOOD.

I LIKE TO EAT LATE AT NIGHT, TOO.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT LATE AT NIGHT.

THEN AGAIN YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK BOOZE IN THE MORNING.

AND APPARENTLY YOU'RE NEVER SUPPOSED TO SMOKED CRACK.

WHATEVER.

I'M NOT TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS.

SORRY, AFTER AN ENTIRE HOUR OF WORK I WANT TO UNWIND WITH A

BURGER AND A CRACK PIPE.

IF I DO THAT EVERY NIGHT DOES THAT MAKE ME SOME CRACKHEAD?

THIS GUY'S A CRACKHEAD.

THAT'S WHY HE'S SO PALE.

HE'S THE FATTEST CRACKHEAD I'VE EVER SEEN.

I HAVE GAINED SOME WEIGHT.

BUT MOST OF THIS IS A STOMACH IMPLANT.

CASE YOU ALL REGRET IT, LIKE WHEN I'M TALKING TO A

WOMAN AND I'LL CATCH HER STARING AT MY BELLY.

I'LL BE LIKE, HELLO, I'M UP HERE.

NOT SOME PIECE OF FLAB FOR YOU OOGLE AT.

I DON'T CARE IF I'M IN A TUBE TOP AND I'M RUBBING COCOA

BUTTER, WHILE I'M RIDING A UNICYCLE,

GOING LA, LA, LA, LA!

THAT WAS THE WORST IMPRESSION OF A

UNICYCLE I'VE EVER SEEN.

IT'S LIKE HE DIDN'T EVEN TRY.

I'M STARTING TO REALIZE I'M A PIG.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PIG WHEN YOU EAT SOMETHING THAT TASTES

HORRIBLE BUT YOU DON'T NOTICE TIL THE LAST BITE.

WELL THIS WASN'T EVEN GOOD.

I GOTTA EAT SOMETHING ELSE, GET RID OF THAT FLAVOR.

YOU EVER EAT SO MUCH A FEEL SICK?

ISN'T THAT THE BEST?

THEN YOU FEEL LIKE A REAL AMERICAN.

OH, THAT WAS STRANGELY PATRIOTIC.

WEIRD.

I'M A PIG.

EVER GET HUNGRY WATCHING A COMMERCIAL?

AND THEN YOU REALIZE IT'S A COMMERCIAL FOR DOG FOOD?

HM, THOSE ARE SAVORY CHUNKS OF BEEF.

RICH, CREAMY--

WAIT WHY ARE THEY GIVING IT TO THE DOG?

OH NO.

THANK GOD FOR PACKAGING.

I LOVE PACKAGING.

PACKAGING'S LIKE THE CLOTHING OF FOOD, ISN'T IT?

OH, WHAT ARE WEARING THERE COOKIE?

A LOVELY MINT MILANO PACK.

CANDY, LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT WRAPPER.

GET YOU A LITTLE BIT MORE COMFORTABLE.

AND THE FANCIER THE FOOD, THE MORE ELABORATE THE PACKAGING.

YOU EVER SEE GENERIC CEREAL?

IT COMES IN A PLASTIC BAG.

LIKE IT'S HOMELESS.

OH WE SHOULD FIND YOU A BOX TO LIVE IN.

LIVING IN A BAG ON THE BOTTOM SHELF.

THAT AIN'T RIGHT.

I BUY THE GENERICS.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO THE CASHIER, I'M

LIKE, YEAH THESE GENERICS THEY'RE FOR LIKE A CHEAP

NEIGHBOR OF MINE.

I GET ALL MY GROCERIES FROM SHARPER IMAGE.

SKYMALL.

NO ONE BUYS ANYTHING FROM SKYMALL.

HEY BUDDY, I WORK FOR SKY MALL.

AND I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU JABBING US.

I LOVE GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE.

THOSE FREE SAMPLES.

IT'S ALWAYS A LITTLE AWKWARD AFTER YOU

HAVE THE FREE SAMPLE.

YOU'RE LIKE, OOH SAUSAGE!

YEAH, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, SEE YA.

SUCKER.

CAUSE YOU KIND OF ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO

GET A CASE OF IT.

WELL THIS WOULD BE GOOD FOR A PARTY NOW WOULDN'T IT?

NAH.

GOTCHA.

WHEN DID WE HAVE TO BECOME MEMBERS OF ALL

THESE GROCERY STORES?

ARE YOU A MEMBER OF OUR SECRET CLUB?

I'M JUST GETTING DORITOS.

WELL THAT'LL BE $4,000.

OR YOU CAN JOIN OUR CLUB.

I CAN'T COME TO A LOT OF MEETINGS.

BUT I GUESS I'LL JOIN.

I DO FEEL GUILTY AT CHECK OUT WHEN

THEY'RE BAGGING MY GROCERIES.

TALK ABOUT FEELING LAZY.

HEY THANKS FOR PUTTING MY GROCERIES IN MY BAG.

YEAH, I COULD HELP BUT I'LL JUST WATCH.

I'M EXHAUSTED FROM PICKING THAT CRAP OUT.

YOU WANT TO COME HOME AND WATCH ME EAT THEM?

I'M LOOKING FOR A BUDDY.

THIS GUY TALKS A LOT ABOUT FOOD.

BUT REALLY WE'RE A COUNTRY THAT LOVES FOOD.

I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT.

ONCE A WEEK ON THE NEWS THERE'S A

PIECE ON AMERICAN OBESITY.

THEY ALWAYS SHOW A BIG GUY WALKING.

THEY'LL BLOCK OUT HIS FACE.

BUT THAT GUY KNOWS IT'S HIM.

WELL THAT SHIRT LOOKS FAMILIAR.

OH, CRAP.

CAN'T WEAR THAT SHIRT AGAIN.

POOR GUY GETS TO WORK, HEY BILL SAW YOUR

FAT ASS ON THE NEWS.

OH, I KNOW.

WE'RE NEVER SATISFIED WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE GOOD ON THIS BURGER?

A HAM SANDWICH.

INSTEAD OF A BUN LET'S

USE TWO DOUGHNUTS!

THAT WAY WE CAN HAVE IT

FOR BREAKFAST.

LOOK OUT MCGRIDDLE, HERE COMES THE DOUGHNUT HAM HAMBURGER!

YOU GUYS LAUGH, BUT YOU KNOW THERE'S SOMEONE AT DUNKIN'

DONUTS GOING, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

THEN WE CAN HAVE THE DIET DOUGHNUT HAM HAMBURGER.

CAUSE WE NEED THE VARIETY.

I BOUGHT SOME PEANUT BUTTER RECENTLY.

THERE WAS CREAMY, CHUNKY, EXTRA CHUNKY, AND NOW EXTREME

CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER.

I BOUGHT THE EXTREME CHUNKY.

I OPENED IT UP.

IT WAS JUST PEANUTS.

THAT IS EXTREME, TRYING TO SPREAD THAT STUFF.

AW, THIS IS RADICAL!

THOSE EXTREME PRODUCTS, YOU FEEL LIKE A COWARD EATING THE

REGULAR STUFF.

HEY CHECK OUT THAT PUSS EATING THE REGULAR DORITOS.

CAN'T HANDLE THE EXTREME ONES.

I'M WORKING MY WAY--

YOU GOT SERVED SUCKER!

THAT JOKE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE.

HE'S WEIRD.

WE WANT OUR FOOD FAST, DON'T WE?

THAT'S WHY WE REALLY LOVE THOSE VALUE MEALS.

JUST HAVE TO SAY A NUMBER.

TWO!

SOON YOU WON'T HAVE TO SPEAK.

IT'LL JUST BE A NOISE.

EH!

EHHHH!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SUPERSIZE IT.

WE NEED OUR FOOD FAST. THAT'S THE REAL APPEAL OF CHINESE

FOOD, YOU KNOW?

BUT CHINESE FOOD ALMOST COMES TOO QUICKLY.

YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH I WILL HAVE, OH THERE IT IS!

HOW'D YOU KNOW I EVEN WANTED THAT?

FAST AS TO PREPARE, SLOW AS TO EAT.

I PREFER THE CHINESE RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE THE

SILVERWARE ON THE TABLE ON YOU ARRIVE.

CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING MORE HUMILIATING THAN STARTING WITH

CHOPSTICKS AND HAVING TO TURN TO THE WAITER AND BE

LIKE, OH YEAH, HI.

I'M TOO WHITE.

DO YOU HAVE A SHOVEL BACK THERE?

CHOPSTICKS ARE FUN BUT I'D RATHER

EAT THAN PLAY OPERATION.

YEAH.

HE'S WEIRD.

WE'RE LAZY ABOUT OUR FOOD.

WE HAVE PEOPLE DELIVER IT TO US.

YEAH, I LIKE YOUR FOOD.

JUST NOT ENOUGH TO GO DOWN THERE AND GET IT.

DELIVERY IS REALLY A COMBINATION OF MY TWO FAVORITE

ACTIVITIES.

EATING AND NOT MOVING.

WORST PART OF DELIVERY IS GETTING UP AND

ANSWERING THE DOOR.

OH, THIS IS A PAIN IN THE ASS.

WHO AM I THE BUTLER?

AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON PANTS.

HAND IT OVER.

WE'RE GETTING LAZIER.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

YEAH, I WANT DELIVERY AND I'M GOING TO NEED

SOMEONE TO FEED ME.

NO, NO I'LL BE IN THE TUB.

YEAH, KEY IS UNDER THE MAT.

CHIP CHOP CHIP.

CHIP CHOP CHIP?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT CHIP CHOP CHIP

IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN.

I'M NOT GOOD AT ORDERING DELIVERY.

I ALWAYS THINK I'M READY, I NEVER AM.

I ALWAYS GET THAT ORDER PANIC.

DELIVERY, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UH

YES WE HAVE FOOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

UH-UH-UH, LET ME WRITE IT DOWN I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

OH I WASN'T READY FOR THE TRICK QUESTIONS.

IT'S EXCITING WHEN THAT DELIVERY GUY

ARRIVES, ISN'T IT?

IT'S LIKE SANTA COMING TO YOUR HOUSE.

HE'S HERE, HE'S HERE!

THE GUY'S HERE, WHAT DO WE DO?

WHAT DO WE DO?

BUT WE DON'T TREAT HIM LIKE SANTA.

WE TREAT THE SITUATION LIKE IT'S A HOSTAGE EXCHANGE.

WOAH, WOAH WEIRDO, YOU WAIT OUT THERE.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE MONEY, YOU HAND OVER THE FOOD.

THEN I WANT YOU TO BACK AWAY SLOWLY.

I DON'T NEED YOU CASING THE JOINT.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

HERE'S SOMETHING FUN TO DO NEXT TIME YOU GET DELIVERY.

TREAT THE DELIVERY GUY LIKE HE'S YOUR WAITER.

BE LIKE, HEY, THANKS A LOT COULD YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT

THE MUSIC IN HERE?

I COULD GO FOR SOME MORE ICE WATER.

HE'S WEIRD.

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE CONDIMENT

PACKETS THEY GIVE WHEN YOU GET DELIVERY.

THEY GIVE YOU LIKE 50 KETCHUPS.

SUCH A WASTE.

MY WIFE'S ALWAYS LIKE, SAVE THEM.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GO UP TO A HOMELESS GUY, CASE YOU GET

THAT FOOD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, HERE'S SOME KETCHUP.

I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU BUDDY.

HE'S RIDICULOUS.

IT IS CONVENIENT THOUGH.

WE WANT OUR FOOD EASY.

I MEAN HOW ELSE WOULD YOU EXPLAIN SPRAY CHEESE?

I MEAN I'M LAZY, BUT I GUESS THERE'S SOME PEOPLE THAT ARE

LIKE, YOU KNOW I LIKE CHEESE BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH WORK.

TIRED OF OPENING IT UP, TAKING IT OUT.

I'D BE WILLING TO EAT CHEESE IF I COULD DO,

I DON'T KNOW, THIS.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

I'LL DO THIS AND THE CHEESE WILL SPRAY OUT AND I COULD

WRITE MY NAME WITH IT.

CAUSE I GOTTA SIGN SOME CHECKS TO MAYOR MCCHEESE.

AND AS YOU KNOW HE ONLY TAKES CHEESE CHECKS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S ACCURATE.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MAYOR

MCCHEESE, BUT I DON'T THINK HE EVEN TAKES CHECKS.

I LOVE CHEESE.

I THINK I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT THOUGH.

CAUSE LAST NIGHT I HAD FOUR MILKSHAKES

AND I FELT LIKE CRAP.

I THINK IT'S THE LACTOSE.

IF YOU ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT DON'T BE ASHAMED.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR TUMMY CAN'T HANDLE THAT SPICY MILK.

UH, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING MILDER THAN MILK?

BUT NOT WATER, THAT GIVES ME GAS.

YEAH.

TRYING TO LAY OFF DAIRY.

I BOUGHT SOME OF THAT COUNTRY CROCK MARGARINE.

DIDN'T STICK IN THE FRIDGE RIGHT AWAY.

IT TURNED INTO GASOLINE.

THAT'S GOT TO BE A TOUGH PRODUCT TO MARKET.

BECAUSE NOT ONLY IS IT A BUCKET OF WHIPPED GREASE,

SOMEONE HAD THE AUDACITY TO CALL IT CROCK.

DO YOU THINK THIS IS BUTTER?

IT'S CROCK.

WE ALL TRY TO WATCH WHAT WE EAT, BECAUSE WE'RE ALSO SO

CONSUMED WITH OUR BODIES.

SO AT THE GYM I SAW THIS WOMAN WORKING OUT.

YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE HER RIBS.

AND ALL I COULD THINK IS, I HADN'T HAD A MCRIB IN FOREVER.

DELICIOUS.

THANKS FOR THE REMINDER.

THIS GUY'S OBSESSED ON FOOD.

I AM.

I TRIED TO RATIONALIZE WHAT I EAT.

BUT THERE'S SOME FOOD THERE'S NO REASON TO EVER EAT.

LIKE A CINNABON?

I MEAN, TELL ME THAT PLACE ISN'T RUN BY SATAN.

YOU EVER EAT A CINNABON?

YOU HAVE TO TAKE A NAP HALFWAY THROUGH.

I THINK I NEED SOME INSULIN.

AND A WHEELBARROW FOR MY HALF OF BUN.

IT'S KIND OF GENEROUS CALLING THAT A BUN.

IT'S THE SIZE OF A BEANBAG CHAIR.

SHOULD I SIT IN IT OR EAT IT?

HEY I COULD SIT IN IT AND EAT IT.

OH, THIS IS STICKY WITHOUT PANTS ON.

HE HAS HIS PANTS

OFF IN A LOT OF JOKES.

HOW ABOUT THAT--

HOW ABOUT THAT CINNABON ODOR?

YOU EVER BEEN WALKING THROUGH THE MALL, YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT'S

THAT SMELL?

OH I JUST GOT A CAVITY.

DAMN CINNABONS.

TELL YA, I'VE DONE SOME HUMILIATING THINGS, BUT

STANDING IN THAT CINNABON LINE IS UP THERE.

EVERYONE'S SO FILLED WILL SHAME.

NO ONE'S TRYING TO MAKE EYE CONTACT.

UH, I'M JUST HERE FOR THE NAPKINS.

I'M NOT A PIG LIKE YOU GUYS.

CAUSE THERE'S NO REASON TO HAVE A CINNABON.

I'VE TRIED TO FIND ONE.

SO I'M ABOUT TO GET ON A PLANE.

HOW ABOUT 8 POUNDS OF CAKE?

SOUNDS REASONABLE.

A LITTLE DESSERT ON THE GO.

THAT'S ONE THING THAT'S TRULY UNIVERSAL.

WE ALL LOVE DESSERT.

YOU EVER NOTICE WHEN YOU GO OUT TO DINNER THERE'S ALWAYS

SOMEONE THAT WANTS TO SHARE A DESSERT?

HEY, YOU WANT TO SHARE A DESSERT?

LET'S SHARE A DESSERT.

JUST GET YOUR OWN DAMNED DESSERT.

OH I JUST WANT A BITE.

JUST A BITE.

AND THEN DESSERT COMES AND THEY TURN INTO A VACUUM.

AH, APPARENTLY IT WAS A BITE FROM A SHOVEL.

YEAH, I HAVE A BIT OF A SWEET TOOTH.

NO YOU'RE A PIG.

BUT SO AM I. TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.

I DO LOVE OUR EXCUSES.

I HAVE A SWEET TOOTH.

OH SO YOU'RE ORDERING IT FOR YOUR TOOTH, THAT'S

INTERESTING.

BECAUSE IT'S GOING STRAIGHT TO YOUR ASS.

I THINK YOUR ASS OWES YOUR TOOTH AN EXPLANATION.

I MEAN NO ONE'S EVER REALLY NEEDED DESSERT.

WHO WAS THE FIRST GUY THAT WAS LIKE, THAT WAS A GOOD

MEAL WE JUST HAD.

I'M FULL, ARE YOU FULL?

YEAH.

YOU WANT TO EAT A CAKE?

LET'S EAT A CAKE.

LET'S EAT TIL WE THROW UP.

JUST KEEP GNAWING AND GNAWING.

WE HAVE DESSERT BECAUSE IT'S SPECIAL.

IT'S ALWAYS SPECIAL DESSERT.

I LOVE WHEN YOU GO IN A TRUCK STOP OR A DINER THEY ALWAYS

HAVE DESSERT AND THAT ROTATING GLASS JEWEL CASE LIKE IT'S

SOME ARTIFACT OR SOMETHING.

HOWS THAT SUPPOSED TO WORK?

YOU'RE LIKE, YEAH I DON'T FEEL LIKE DESSERT.

BUT WHEN I SEE PUDDING AT THAT ANGLE?

AH, I GOTTA GET ME SOME.

MY FAVORITE DESSERT IS CAKE.

YEAH.

CAKE'S A TRUE SYMBOL OF GLUTTONY THOUGH.

IF YOU EAT A WHOLE PIZZA PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

WOW YOU WERE HUNGRY.

BUT IF YOU EAT A WHOLE CAKE PEOPLE ARE

LIKE, YOU GOT A PROBLEM.

ADDICTED TO CAKE.

IT'S NOT LIKE DRINKING.

YOU NEVER HEAR SOMEONE BRAG, YEAH LAST NIGHT I HAD FOUR

PIECES OF CAKE.

WHY ARE YOU TELLING US?

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I PARTIED.

WHY DON'T YOU GET AWAY FROM ME.

CAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS CAKE'S BAD FOR US.

SOMETIMES WE TRY AND DISGUISE THE FACT WE'RE EATING CAKE.

IT'S BREAKFAST I CAN'T HAVE CAKE.

I'LL HAVE A MUFFIN!

YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CAKE AND A MUFFIN?

NOTHING.

A MUFFIN IS A BALD CUPCAKE.

AND WE KNOW IT.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MINI MUFFINS?

HOW MUCH DENIAL ARE WE IN WHEN WE'RE EATING MINI MUFFINS?

OH I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE LIKE 1 OR 12.

SO SMALL THEY DON'T REALLY COUNT.

THEY'RE LIKE, THEY'RE LIKE MUFFIN VITAMINS.

WHEN I EAT THEM I FEEL LIKE AN ASTRONAUT.

IT'S WHY I HAVE THEM FOR BREAKFAST. CAN'T HAVE CAKE FOR

BREAKFAST. UNLESS IT'S A PANCAKE.

HOW'D THAT SLIDE THROUGH?

YOUNG MAN YOU'RE NOT HAVING CAKE FOR BREAKFAST, YOU'RE

HAVING FRIED CAKE WITH SYRUP

FOR BREAKFAST.

LOADS UP ON THAT AND TRY NOT TO NAP.

PANCAKES.

PANCAKES DEFINITELY MAKE YOU LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

YOU'RE LIKE, WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT SHOWERING TODAY.

I'M GOING TO BE DIGESTING THOSE CARB CAKES FOR HOURS.

BAD IDEA.

THIS GUY TALKS A LOT ABOUT CAKE.

CAKE'S A POWERFUL FOOD.

CAKE CAN ACTUALLY BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER.

IT'S BILL'S BIRTHDAY.

I HATE THAT GUY.

THERE'S CAKE IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM.

WELL, I SHOULD SAY HELLO.

SEE HOW HE'S DOING.

I MEAN, ADMIT IT WHEN YOU HEAR THE SONG "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" ALL

YOU'RE THINKING IS, HEY I'M GETTING SOME FREE CAKE.

DURING THE SONG YOU'RE JUST WONDERING WHAT KIND IT IS.

HOPE IT'S CHOCOLATE FOR ME.

WE'RE ALL BASHFUL WHEN WE'RE OFFERED A PIECE AREN'T WE?

WE'RE ALWAYS LIKE, WELL I GUESS I'LL TRY IT.

WHAT'S THIS CALLED, CAKE?

YEAH I'VE NEVER HAD CAKE BEFORE.

YARRGGH!

IF HE DOES ANOTHER CAKE JOKE I'M GOING TO KILL HIM.

OK, LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING BESIDES CAKE, PIE.

THAT'S LIKE LIQUID CAKE, ISN'T IT?

PIE CAN'T COMPETE WITH CAKE THOUGH.

PUT CANDLES IN A CAKE, IT'S A BIRTHDAY CAKE.

PUT CANDLES IN A PIE?

SOMEONE'S DRUNK IN THE KITCHEN.

GO CHECK ON GRANDMA.

PIE CAN'T COMPETE, YOU KNOW?

NEVER HEAR ABOUT A HOT CHICK JUMPING OUT OF A PIE.

IT'S TOO MESSY.

I'M HERE!

GO TAKE A SHOWER.

CAKE.

THERE'S SO MANY TYPES OF CAKE TOO.

THERE'S RUM CAKE, WHICH MAKES SENSE.

BECAUSE WE'VE ALL BEEN EATING CAKE AND THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,

THIS NEEDS BOOZE.

SHOT 'A LIQUOR.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EAT AND DRINK.

I ONLY GOT TWO HANDS, BUDDY, AND ONE OF

THEM'S HOLDING A CIGARETTE.

MEET ME HALF WAY WILL YA?

THERE'S FUNNEL CAKE, WHICH IS ESSENTIALLY A GIANT FRENCH FRY

COVERED IN SUGAR.

THEY'RE SERVING THAT AT THE IHOP NOW.

IT'S A WEIRD NAME FOR THAT PLACE.

I'VE NEVER LEFT THERE FEELING LIKE HOPPING.

IT SHOULD BE CALLED I BARELY MOVE.

I NEED A WHEELCHAIR.

HEY BUDDY, I LIKE THE IHOP.

AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THERE.

I THINK THE MOST DISAPPOINTING CAKE HAS TO BE

FRUITCAKE YOU KNOW?

YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE BETTER.

IT DOESN'T ADD UP.

FRUIT, GOOD.

CAKE, GREAT.

FRUITCAKE, NASTY CRAP.

HAVE YOU TRIED FRUITCAKE?

I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S FRUIT IN THERE.

YOU'RE LIKE , WHAT IS THAT A SKITTLE?

WHAT IS THIS, SEED HERE?

WHAT'S THIS, A TREASURE MAP

WHAT IS THE RECIPE OF FRUITCAKE?

ANYTHING BUT FRUIT?

IT'S LIKE THE BAKER WAS JUST CLEARING OFF THE COUNTER.

PUT ALL THIS CRAP IN THERE.

NOBODY EATS THIS STUFF THEY JUST MAIL IT TO RELATIVES.

THAT IS SO TRUE.

BIG HOLIDAY TRADITION FRUITCAKE.

I LOVE OUR HOLIDAY TRADITIONS.

LIKE THE CHRISTMAS TREE, WHERE WE GO OUT AND WE CHOP DOWN A

TREE AND WE PUT IT IN OUR LIVING ROOM.

KIND OF SOUNDS LIKE THE BEHAVIOR

OF A DRUNK MAN REALLY.

SOME WOMAN WAKES UP.

HONEY, WHY IS THERE A--

A PINE TREE IN OUR LIVING ROOM?

I LIKE IT.

WE'RE GONNA-- WE'RE GONNA

DECORATE IT FOR JESUS.

AND THEN I'M GONNA HANG MY

SOCKS OVER THE FIREPLACE.

FILL THEM WITH CANDY.

MAYBE I'LL TIE SOME LEAVES TO THE CEILING, SEE IF I CAN GET

SOME ACTION.

AND NOW I GOTTA PUKE ON THAT COUCH.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

SOME PEOPLE GET SO INTO CHRISTMAS THEY

DECORATE THEIR YARDS.

IT SEEMS COMPLETELY BACKWARDS.

OK, CHOP DOWN THAT TREE.

BRING IT IN HERE.

TAKE ALL THESE LIGHTS, PUT THEM OUT THERE.

OH, I JUST GOTTA--

I REALLY GOT TO GET A JOB.

HE'S ANTI-CHRISTMAS.

EASTER THAT'S A WEIRD TRADITION.

EASTER, THE DAY JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

HOW ABOUT EGGS?

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH JESUS?

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL HIDE THEM.

I DON'T FOLLOW YOUR LOGIC.

DON'T WORRY THERE'S A BUNNY.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

THANKSGIVING.

THANKSGIVING, IT'S LIKE WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO COME UP

WITH A TRADITION.

THE TRADITION IS WE OVEREAT.

HEY, HOW ABOUT AT THANKSGIVING WE JUST, UH, EAT A LOT.

WE DO THAT EVERY DAY.

OH, WHAT IF WE EAT A LOT WITH PEOPLE THAT ANNOY

THE HELL OUT OF US?

OH, HE'S ANTI-FAMILY.

MOSTLY WE USE HOLIDAYS SO WE CAN EAT MORE.

I NORMALLY DON'T HAVE A BURGER, A BRAT, AND A STEAK,

BUT IT IS FOURTH OF JULY.

AND I NEED THE ENERGY IF I'M GOING TO START

BLOWING CRAP UP.

THAT'S WHAT THE FOUNDING FATHERS WOULD WANT.

MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY IS HALLOWEEN.

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE WOMEN USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO DRESS LIKE

PROSTITUTES.

YOU LADIES TOTALLY DO.

I'M A WITCH!

IF SHE WAS A HOOKER.

I'M LITTLE MISS MUFFET!

I'M SURE YOU ARE.

HEY, THAT ALMOST SOUNDED DIRTY FELLA.

AS A KID HALLOWEEN WAS AMAZING.

YOU DRESS LIKE A SUPERHERO.

YOU BANG ON YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOOR.

AND THEY GIVE YOU CANDY.

I DO THAT TODAY AND MY NEIGHBOR WANTS ME ARRESTED.

PROBABLY BECAUSE I MAKE A HOT CATWOMAN.

KITTY WANTS SOME CANDY.

REMEMBER THAT FROM MR. ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD?

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.

AND THEY WONDER WHY WE DO DRUGS.

OH THAT WAS NEGATIVE.

HOW ABOUT THOSE TRADITIONS FELLA, WHY

DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THAT?

VALENTINE'S DAY THE TRADITION IS WE GIVE EACH

OTHER THOSE BIG RED HEARTS FILLED

WITH THE GAMBLE CHOCOLATE.

HAVE YOU EVER EATEN ANY CHOCOLATE OUT OF THOSE BIG RED

HEARTS WITH ANY CONFIDENCE?

WELL THIS COULD EITHER BE REALLY GOOD OR TOTALLY NASTY.

AND I'M JUST PIG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT.

AW, I GOT THE ONE FILLED WITH TOOTHPASTE!

I'M GONNA HAVE TO EAT ANOTHER NINE TO

GET RID OF THAT FLAVOR.

THERE'S THE BIG RED HEARTS FILLED

WITH THE GAMBLE CHOCOLATE.

OR THE TINY, CHALK, HEART SHAPED ANTACIDS.

I KNOW I MAKE YOU NAUSEOUS, HERE'S A TUMS WITH "HUG ME"

WRITTEN ON IT.

MAYBE THAT'LL HELP.

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SAINT VALENTINE.

I ASSUME HE'S THE PATRON SAINT OF OVERPRICED GREETING CARDS.

THAT'S AN ODD RITUAL REALLY.

YOU KNOW, WE GO OUT AND WE BUY CARDS THAT ALREADY HAVE THINGS

WRITTEN IN THEM.

IT' IT'S LIKE, HEY, THAT'S SOMETHING I'D SAY.

JUST ADD MY NAME HERE AT THE BOTTOM.

HERE YOU GO!

YOU LIKE WHAT THAT OTHER GUY WROTE IN THERE?

IT TOOK ME 5 SECONDS TO FIND IT.

COST ME $2 BUCKS.

GREETING CARDS WOULD MAKE SENSE IF THERE WAS SOMETHING

PROFOUND WRITTEN IN THERE.

BUT IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

COULDN'T THINK OF THAT YOURSELF?

I'M NOT A SLOGAN MACHINE.

BIRTHDAYS.

EVERYONE ACTS A LITTLE DIFFERENTLY AROUND THEIR

BIRTHDAY, DON'T THEY?

YOU EVER HAVE THAT FRIEND THAT GIVES YOU THE BIRTHDAY ALERT?

HEY, JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW, NEXT

TUESDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY.

JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW I'M NOW GETTING YOU ANYTHING.

WE GIVE THE--

THEY GIVE THE ALERT CAUSE, YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE

IN OUR SOCIETY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING TO WORK ON

MY BIRTHDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M DOING LAUNDRY ON MY BIRTHDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PAYING FOR SEX ON MY BIRTHDAY.

RIP-OFF.

IT IS FUN GETTING THOSE GIFTS, EH?

IT CAN BE HARD TO GIVE A GIFT.

IT'S A GAMBLE.

YOU KNOW, I--

IT'S HARD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GIVING CLOTHING AS A GIFT.

CAUSE WHENEVER YOU GET CLOTHING AS A PRESENT YOU OPEN

IT UP AND YOU THINK, NOT EVEN CLOSE.

AND THE PERSON THAT GIVES IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, YOU CAN TAKE IT

BACK IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST THROW IT OUT.

DON'T GIVE ME AN ERRAND.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WHY DON'T YOU HEAD TO THE MALL FOR ME?

IF YOU GET MY DRY CLEANING THAT'D BE AWESOME.

I GOT A ROBE FOR CHRISTMAS.

I REMEMBER LOOKING AT THE ROBE THINKING, WOW HOPE I GET THE

FLU SO I CAN WEAR IT.

I MEAN, WHO HAS THE TIME TO ENJOY A ROBE?

WHAT ARE WE, ABOUT TO SHOOT A PORNO?

IT'S A WEIRD PIECE OF CLOTHING.

HOW'D WE EVEN COME UP WITH THE ROBE?

WAS SOME GUY LIKE, HEY I GOT AN IDEA, HOW ABOUT WE MAKE A

COAT OUT OF A TOWEL?

THERE COULD BE A BELT THAT GOES AROUND.

YOU COULD DUNK THE BELT IN THE TOILET.

BE A TOILET BELT.

THE INDOOR JACKET, THE ROBE.

YOU EVER SEE SOMEONE OUTSIDE IN A ROBE?

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ESCAPED FROM THE LOONY BIN.

UH, JUST GETTING THE PAPER.

BEFORE THE MONSTERS DO RIGHT?

THE ONLY TIME I EVER WEAR A ROBE IS WHEN I'M STAYING IN A

FANCY HOTEL.

YOU HAVE THAT ROBE IN THE CLOSET.

I ALWAYS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN ROOM SERVICE COMES AND

I'M IN A ROBE.

LIKE I'M TRYING TO SEDUCE THE ROOM SERVICE GUY.

HELLO WELCOME TO MY ROOM.

I'M IN MY ROBE AND HERE'S THE BED I RENTED.

IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO TO BE MORE CREEPY?

OH, HE WAS BELIEVABLE

AS THE CREEPY GUY.

IT REMINDED ME OF HIS CATWOMAN.

SCARY.

DO YOU EVER GET A CANDLE AS A GIFT?

HEY, THANKS.

YOU KNOW I HAVE ELECTRICITY, RIGHT?

LOOK, IF MY PLACE SMELLS JUST LET ME KNOW.

NO, THIS PERFECT.

NOW I KNOW WHAT I'M GIVING YOU NEXT YEAR.

THIS.

YOUR CANDLE GIFTS.

IT'S A GAMBLE WITH GIFTS.

YOU KNOW?

STATUE OF LIBERTY WAS A GIFT.

BIG BEAUTIFUL STATUE, GIFT FROM THE FRENCH.

GOOD THING THAT STATUE'S BEAUTIFUL CAUSE IF IT WAS UGLY

THAT WOULD HAVE AN AWKWARD.

FRENCHMAN WOULD COME OVER, WHERE'S THE STATUE OF LIBERTY?

YEAH UH, THAT'S IN THE DESERT IN ARIZONA.

YEAH, WE THOUGHT IT REALLY COMPLEMENTED THE DESERT.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE AWKWARD IF WE

REGIFTED THE STATUE.

WHERE'S THAT GIGANTIC STATUE?

UH, JAPAN WAS HAVING A BIRTHDAY.

AND WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET THEM.

WE SAID IT WAS FROM BOTH OF US.

AND THEY JUST LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT, LOVE IT,

LOVE IT, LOVE IT.

MY FAVORITE GIFT I'VE EVER RECEIVED IS A FLASK.

I THINK GIVING SOMEONE A FLASK IS A NICE WAY OF SAYING, HEY

YOU SEEM LIKE A DRUNK ON THE GO.

YOU STRIKE ME AS NEEDING HARD LIQUOR AT ALL TIMES.

IT SHOULD BE GOOD FOR YOU IN YOUR CAR.

DON'T YOU LOVE HOW WE HAVE DIFFERENT CONTAINERS THAT WE

DRINK DIFFERENT ALCOHOL OUT OF?

LIKE, YOU EVER TRY AND DRINK WINE OUT OF ANYTHING BUT A

WINE GLASS?

YOU FEEL LIKE A DRUNK.

HEY, CAN YOU REFILL MY YAHTZEE SHAKER?

HIT THE SIPPY CUP TOO, WILL YOU?

DANKE.

SO MUCH FORMALITY WITH WINE.

LIKE THAT WINE MENU?

DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING AT WHEN THEY

LOOK AT A WINE MENU?

BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC.

OH YEAH, I HAD THREE OF THESE

FOR BREAKFAST.

I ALWAYS MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ASKING FOR THE WAITER'S

SUGGESTION.

YES, THAT WINE WOULD COMPLEMENT YOUR MEAL.

YEAH, I'M GOING TO GO WITH

THE $5 BOTTLE

THAT COMPLEMENTS MY WALLET.

I AM ALWAYS ASKING THE WAITER'S ADVICE,

WHICH IS ODD, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, YOU DON'T KNOW ME BUT WHAT DO YOU

THINK I SHOULD EAT?

IS IT TIME FOR A HAIRCUT?

IT'S UP TO YOU CAUSE YOU'RE A STRANGER.

AND I'M WEIRD.

YOU EVER HAVE THE WAITER STRONGLY RECOMMEND SOMETHING?

YOU FEEL KIND OF GUILTY NOT GETTING IT.

YEAH I KNOW YOU REALLY WANT ME TO GET THAT, BUT I'M JUST

GOING TO GET WHAT I WANT.

CAUSE I'M STILL PAYING, RIGHT PUSHY?

BACK OFF.

BUT WE SHOULD BE NICER TO THE WAITSTAFF.

IT'S AN ODD RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE WITH THE WAITER.

OCCASIONALLY THE WAITER WILL TELL YOU THEIR NAME.

WE NEVER GIVE OURS.

THEY'RE LIKE, HEY HOW YOU DOING?

I'M YOUR WAITER, MY NAME'S PHIL.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE THE CHICKEN.

WHY DON'T YOU BEAT IT.

YOU NEVER REALLY USE THE NAME.

YOU KNOW, I'M OUT OF WATER.

PHIL!

PHIL!

WOO-HOO PHILLY!

I DO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN THE

WAITER'S DOING THE SPECIALS.

IT-- IT'S KIND OF A SEMI-CONVERSATION.

THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, ALL RIGHT, SPECIALS.

WE HAVE A SEA BASS WHICH IS BROILED.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, UH, AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY SOMETHING?

UH, PASS!

I EXERT SO MUCH ENERGY ACTING LIKE I'M INTERESTED IN THE SPE--

HUH, THAT'S THE SOUP OF THE DAY?

OH MY GOD!

I'M NOT GETTING ANY OF THIS CRAP.

HERE'S A CLUE, IF IT'S THAT SPECIAL PUT IT ON THE MENU.

OH THAT IS SO TRUE.

I DO LOVE GOING OUT TO DINNER.

YEAH, I ALWAYS GET THE APPETIZER.

BECAUSE THE APPETIZER'S JUST AN EXCUSE FOR AN EXTRA MEAL.

LET'S SEE I WILL START WITH THE 80 BUFFALO WINGS.

AND DO YOU HAVE A LOW

CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO FILL UP TOO MUCH.

IT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING TRYING TO EXPLAIN WHAT AN

APPETIZER IS TO SOMEONE FROM A STARVING COUNTRY.

YOU'D BE LIKE, YEAH THE APPETIZER, THAT'S FOOD WE EAT

BEFORE WE HAVE OUR FOOD.

NO, NO YOU'RE THINKING OF DESERT.

THAT'S FOOD WE HAVE AFTER WE HAVE OUR FOOD.

YEAH, WE EAT TONS OF FOOD.

SOMETIMES THERE'S SO MUCH, WE JUST STICK IT IN A

BAG, BRING IT HOME.

YOU EVER GET THE DOGGY BAG?

YOU'RE LIKE, NO, NO PUT THIS IN A BOX, IN A BAG.

AND I'LL BRING IT HOME AND THROW IT OUT TOMORROW.

THAT IS SO TRUE.

THAT'S WEIRD.

GOING OUT TO DINNER IS A LITTLE WEIRD.

I MEAN I ENJOY BREAD IN EVERYDAY LIFE, BUT WHEN I GO

OUT TO DINNER SUDDENLY I CRAVE BREAD.

BREAD?

THEY'VE GOT BREAD HERE?

OH, WE SHOULD HAVE BREAD AT HOME.

WE GOT TO GET THE RECIPE FOR BREAD.

YOU EVER EAT THE WHOLE BASKET OF BREAD AND

YOU STILL WANT MORE? IT'S KIND OF AWKWARD

ASKING THE WAITER FOR SECONDS ON BREAD.

YEAH, CAN WE HAVE SOME MORE OF THAT FREE BREAD?

CAN YOU CANCEL MY ENTREE?

I'M JUST GOING TO LOAD UP ON THE BREAD.

ARE THERE OTHER FREE THINGS HERE?

I PREFER THE FREE STUFF MORE.

I AM TRYING TO LAY OFF THE CARBS.

I'M VEGETARIAN NOW, ANYONE A VEGETARIAN?

YEAH, VERY GOOD.

I'M NOT A STRICT VEGETARIAN.

I EAT BEEF AND PORK.

AND CHICKEN.

BUT NOT FISH, CAUSE THAT'S DISGUSTING.

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN FISH GOES BAD?

IT SMELLS LIKE FISH EITHER WAY.

WELL THIS SMELLS LIKE A DUMPSTER, LET'S EAT IT.

NO ONE REALLY LIKES FISH.

THEY JUST WON'T ADMIT IT.

THEY'RE LIKE, I LIKE FISH, JUST AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T

TASTE LIKE FISH.

I GOT NEWS FOR YOU, I DON'T THINK YOU LIKE FISH.

I'M ALMOST POSITIVE FISH IS SUPPOSED TO TASTE LIKE FISH.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOOD ON FISH?

ANYTHING THAT KILLS THE TASTE OF FISH.

HOW ABOUT RELISH AND A GALLON OF MAYO?

THAT'LL DO THE JOB.

WHAT IF WE SQUEEZE A LEMON AND WRAPPED IT IN SEAWEED AND

COVER IT IN SOY SAUCE.

HE'S ANTI-FISH.

AND WE'RE RIGHT NEXT TO LAKE MICHIGAN.

I AM AMAZED THAT WE'RE STILL SERVING FISH WITH

THE HEADS ON THERE.

DON'T YOU ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THAT EYE IS LOOKING AT YOU?

HEY, YOU DON'T MIND IF I WATCH WHILE YOU EAT MY BODY, DO YOU?

DON'T BE DISTRACTED IF A LITTLE TEAR COMES OUT.

YOU CAN JUST TELL YOURSELF IT'S BUTTER.

OH, WHAT IF A FISH WAS IN THE AUDIENCE?

THAT WOULD BE

AWKWARD FOR ALL OF US.

IT COULD HAPPEN, LAKE MICHIGAN'S RIGHT

THERE, BUDDY.

THE FISH WOULD LAUGH BUT ON THE INSIDE

IT'D BE CRYING.

SAD.

YOU AND YOU'RE FISH HEAD JOKE.

OBVIOUSLY SOME PEOPLE PREFER IT LIKE THAT.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE FISH.

KEEP THE HEAD ON THERE AND, UH, FIND

OUT IF IT HAD A NICKNAME.

ANYWHO.

PIG ROAST. PIG ROAST WE ALWAYS HAVE THAT PIG

HEAD SITTING THERE.

WHICH IS SAD, BECAUSE YOU CAN TELL THEY KILLED THE PIG WHEN

IT WAS EATING AN APPLE.

HEY PIG, YOU WANT AN APPLE?

SURE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT SPEAR?

OW!

MID-BITE EVERY TIME.

AT LEAST THOSE ANIMALS AREN'T ALIVE.

I ALWAYS FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN I GO INTO A SEAFOOD

RESTAURANT.

THEY HAVE THAT LOBSTER TANK SITTING THERE.

ALL THE LOBSTERS ARE PEERING OUT LIKE, HEY WHAT

ARE YOU HERE FOR?

UH, I'M HERE TO EAT YOU.

YEAH RIGHT.

HEY HARVEY, THIS GUY--

HARVEY?

OH AND HARVEY WAS GONE.

MY NIECE IS NINE YEARS OLD.

SHE INFORMED ME SHE'S A VEGETARIAN.

I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE PULLED THAT WHEN I WAS A KID.

UH, NO THANKS DAD.

I'M A VEGETARIAN.

NO SON OF MINE'S GAY.

EAT YOUR MEAT PUSSY.

HIS DAD SOUNDED SCARY.

HE'S WEIRD.

YOU EVER EAT FAST FOOD IN FRONT OF A VEGETARIAN?

THEY LOOK AT YOU LIKE YOU'RE BARBECUING A KITTEN.

OH MY GOD YOU'RE EATING THAT?

YEAH, AND I'M NOT GOING TO DIGEST IT FOR A DECADE.

COME ALONG WITH ME.

I DO LOVE THE VEGETARIANS THOUGH.

I ALWAYS GET A KICK OUT OF WHEN THEY TRY

AND IMPRESS YOU.

THEY'RE LIKE, I HAVEN'T HAD MEAT IN FIVE YEARS.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BANANA IN A MONTH.

YOU DON'T SEE ME BRAGGING ABOUT IT.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO THOSE CHICKENS?

NO, BUT IT'S DELICIOUS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, I LOVE ANIMALS.

I JUST LOVE TO EAT THEM MORE.

FUN TO PET, BETTER TO CHEW.

I DO FEEL BAD THEY HAVE TO BE KILLED.

I'D PREFER IF IT WAS LIKE AN ANIMAL SUICIDE.

MAYBE THE ANIMAL DESERVED IT.

THIS IS A GOOD CHICKEN SANDWICH I THINK THIS BASTARD

TRIED TO STEAL MY CAR.

GOOD WORK ROGER.

WHO'S ROGER?

I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO HARVEY.

I DON'T KNOW WHO SOME OF

THESE PEOPLE ARE

I CAN NEVER REALLY BE A VEGETARIAN THOUGH.

I LOVE STEAK TOO MUCH.

STEAK'S LIKE THE TUXEDO OF MEAT, ISN'T IT?

AND BOLOGNA'S THE RETARDED COUSIN.

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE EATEN STEAK, SOMETHING SPECIAL'S HAPPENING.

IF YOU'RE EATING BOLOGNA, YOU MIGHT BE SPECIAL.

HEY, I LIKE BOLOGNA JERK HEAD.

YOU ACT IS BOLOGNA.

YOU'RE BOLOGNA HAS A LAST NAME AND

IT'S GAFFIGAN.

BOLOGNA HATER.

WHENEVER I DO GET A STEAK I ALWAYS GET A SALAD THINKING

THAT'LL BALANCE IT OUT.

YEAH, I'LL HAVE 20 POUNDS OF MEAT AND 2 LEAVES OF LETTUCE.

COVER IT.

I DO LOVE SALAD.

WELL, I SHOULD SAY I LOVE SALAD DRESSING WITH JUST A

TOUCH OF LETTUCE.

OTHERWISE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EATING A BAG OF YARDWORK.

IT IS AMAZING HOW MUCH CHEESE YOU HAVE TO PUT ON A SALAD TO

MAKE IT APPEALING.

YEAH, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE CHEESE AND CAN YOU THROW IN A

SNICKER'S BAR?

INSTEAD OF THE LETTUCE CAN I GET FRENCH FRIES?

WHEN YOU GO OUT TO DINNER THEY ALWAYS TRY

AND IMPROVE THE SALAD.

THEY'RE LIKE, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRESH

PEPPER ON YOUR SALAD?

CAN ANYONE TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

FRESH AND STALE PEPPER?

HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

THIS ISN'T FRESH PEPPER.

I GREW UP ON A PEPPER FARM.

SOME STALE ASS PEPPER.

I CAN'T EVEN TASTE THE PEPPER.

THEY MIGHT AS BE LIKE, WOULD YOU LIKE US TO WAVE THIS

WOODEN WAND OVER YOUR SALAD?

UH, ALL RIGHT.

LA, LA, LA, LA LA.

ENJOY YOUR MAGIC SALAD!

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GETTING A MAGIC SALAD.

CAUSE REALLY, NONE OF US WANT SALAD.

WE HAVE TO TRICK OURSELVES INTO EATING SALAD.

YOU WANT A SALAD?

NO, NO.

YOU CAN GO TO THE SALAD BAR.

BAR?

ARE THERE GOING TO BE WOMEN OVER THERE?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL OF A SALAD BAR.

I GO OUT TO DINNER SO I DON'T HAVE TO MAKE MY OWN FOOD.

WHY WOULD I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN SALAD?

HERE'S OUR SALAD BAR AND OVER THERE'S OUR DISH-WASHING BAR.

AWESOME!

SOME OF THOSE ITEMS AT THE SALAD BAR, TOO.

THEY'VE GOT LETTUCE, TOMATOES, A TUB OF CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

WHO'S PUTTING CHOCOLATE PUDDING ON THEIR SALAD?

WHAT IS THIS, FEAR FACTOR?

OH THAT'S A GOOD SHOW.

I LIKE THAT SHOW, IT'S NEAT.

IT'S HARD TO EAT HEALTHY.

IT'S TOO EXPENSIVE, TOO.

SHOULD I HAVE THIS SALAD FOR $12 OR THESE EIGHT HAMBURGERS

FOR A NICKEL?

SORRY SALAD.

MOST HEALTH FOOD GETS CORRUPTED ANYWAY.

LIKE THE GRANOLA BAR.

THAT'S BEEN COMPLETELY CORRUPTED.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW INITIALLY SOME GUY WAS LIKE, HEY KIDS

ARE EATING CANDY BARS, RIGHT?

ALL WE GOT TO DO IS SHAPE GRANOLA LIKE A CANDY BAR, KIDS

WILL EAT THE GRANOLA.

AND THEN LIKE A WEEK LATER, UH BILL, KIDS ARE NOT EATING

THESE GRANOLA BARS.

WELL, ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS PUT CHOCOLATE CHIPS

IN THE GRANOLA BAR.

KIDS WILL EAT THE GRANOLA.

UH, BILL KIDS ARE PICKING THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS OUT OF THE

GRANOLA BAR.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO WAS COVER IT IN CHOCOLATE.

GET RID OF FREAKING GRANOLA.

I GOTTA TELL YOU HOW DO EVERYTHING?

HE'S GOING TO BE SUED BY KUDOS.

WHEN DID THE MAFIA

GET INVOLVED IN GRANOLA?

RIDICULOUS.

YOU EVER EAT A KUDOS AND YOU'RE LIKE, WELL

MIGHT AS WELL FINISH OFF THE WHOLE BOX.

IF I'M GOING TO EAT HEALTHY, I'M GOING TO EAT REAL HEALTHY.

IT'S ALL RELATIVE, EATING HEALTHY.

I MEAN I EAT KIND OF HEALTHY, COMPARED TO SOME OF THE

ESKIMOS UP IN ALASKA.

THEY'RE EATING BLUBBER UP THERE.

I'M PRACTICALLY STARVING MYSELF ON MY CINNABON.

I'M MEAN, WHALE BLUBBER, THAT'S LIKE EATING A

FAT GUY, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S WHY ALASKA IS PART OF THE UNITED STATES.

CANADIANS WENT IN THERE, SAW THEM EATING BLUBBER AND WERE

LIKE HUH THE AMERICANS ALREADY GOT HERE.

HEY THAT'S LIKE A GEOGRAPHY JOKE.

BUDDY I WOULD'VE BROUGHT MY GLOBE IF I NEEDED IT.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

I FELT LIKE THAT WAS ANTI-ESKIMO.

I'M MOVING A LITTLE SLOW TONIGHT.

I HAD A HOT POCKET FOR DINNER.

GOOD TO SEE I'M NOT THE ONLY WHITE TRASH HERE.

I BUY THE HOT POCKETS.

I GO IN GROCERY STORES, I'M LIKE, EH, I'LL GET THESE.

I'VE NEVER EATEN A HOT POCKET AND THEN AFTERWARDS BEEN, I'M

GLAD I ATE THAT.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, I'M GOING TO DIE.

I PAID FOR THAT?

DID I EAT IT OR RUB IT ON MY FACE?

MY BACK HURTS.

OW.

I WAS LOOKING AT A BOX OF HOT POCKETS.

THEY HAVE A WARNING PRINTED ON THE SIDE.

IT'S LIKE, WARNING!

YOU JUST BOUGHT HOT POCKETS!

HOPE YOU'RE DRUNK OR HEADING HOME TO A TRAILER.

YOU HILLBILLY, ENJOY THE NEXT NASCAR EVENT.

HOT POCKETS!

I LIKE NASCAR, HE'S A JERK.

NEVER REALLY SEE THAT ON A MENU WHEN

YOU GO OUT TO DINNER.

LET'S SEE I'LL HAVE THE CAESAR SALAD AND THE HOT POCKET.

UH, TONIGHT'S SPECIALS, WE HAVE A SEA

BASS WHICH IS BROILED.

AND WE HAVE A HOT POCKET, WHICH IS COOKED IN A DIRTY

MICROWAVE.

AND THAT COMES WITH A SIDE OF PEPTO.

IS YOU'RE HOT POCKET COLD IN THE MIDDLE?

IT'S FROZEN.

BUT IT CAN BE SERVED BOILING LAVA HOT.

WILL IT BURN MY MOUTH?

IT'LL DESTROY YOU MOUTH.

EVERYTHING'LL TASTE LIKE RUBBER FOR A MONTH.

I'LL HAVE THE HOT POCKET.

HOT POCKET.

HOT POCKETS, YOU KNOW?

HAVEN'T BEEN AROUND THAT LONG.

LIKE, 10 YEARS?

HOW'D THEY COME UP WITH THAT?

WAS THERE SOME GUY IN A MARKETING MEETING LIKE, HEY I

GOT AN IDEA.

HOW ABOUT WE FILL A POP

AND IF YOU COOK IT IN A SLEEVE THING YOU COULD

DUNK IT IN THE TOILET.

HE'S WEIRD.

THERE IS THE VEGETARIAN HOT POCKET, FOR THOSE OF US THAT

DON'T WANT TO EAT MEAT, BUT STILL WOULD LIKE DIARRHEA.

HOT POCKET.

IT SHOULD JUST COME WITH A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER.

DIARRHEA POCKET.

YOU EVER NOTICE THERE'S NO DIGNIFIED WAY

TO BUY TOILET PAPER?

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BUY THAT MULTI-PACK OF LIKE 18 ROLLS.

STICK IT IN YOUR CART.

EVERYONE IN THE STORE'S LIKE, DOES THAT GUY

EVER LEAVE THE BATHROOM?

WHAT'S HE LIVING OFF OF HOT POCKETS?

HOT POCKET.

THERE'S THE LEAN POCKET.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE.

IMAGINE THE DIRECTIONS.

TAKE OUT OF BOX, PLACE DIRECTLY IN TOILET.

FLUSH POCKET.

POCKET, POCKET, POCKET POCKET.

RECENTLY THEY INTRODUCED THE BREAKFAST HOT POCKET, FINALLY.

I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO START THE DAY.

GOOD MORNING!

YOU'RE ABOUT TO CALL IN SICK.

HOT POCKET.

NOW YOU CAN HAVE A HOT POCKET FOR BREAKFAST, A HOT POCKET

FOR LUNCH AND BE DEAD BY DINNER.

DEAD POCKET.

I DO LOVE THAT JINGLE.

DO YOU THINK THEY WORKED HARD ON THAT SONG?

WHAT DO YOU GOT SO FAR, BILL?

UH, UH.

HOT POCKET.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S VERY GOOD.

NOT AS GOOD AS YOUR "BY MENNEN," BUT IT'S GOOD.

NOW WHAT ARE WE GOING TO RUN IN MEXICO?

CALIENTE POCKET.

YOU'VE GOT A GIFT MY FRIEND.

DON'T HIDE THAT IN A BUSHEL BASKET!

HOT POCKET.

I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR A CHICKEN POT PIE HOT POCKET.

NOW THEY'RE JUST MESSING WITH US.

IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME.

HAVE YOU TRIED THE HOT POCKET HOT POCKET?

IT'S A HOT POCKET FILLED WITH A HOT POCKET.

TASTES JUST LIKE A HOT POCKET.

I'M GOING TO AN STICK MY HEAD IN THE MICROWAVE. HOT POCKET!

HE WENT CRAZY UP THERE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING AT THE END THERE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS ON DRUGS OR SOMETHING.

VERY WEIRD.

I UH-- I AM ALSO AN ACTOR.

BUT I UH--

I WISH I WAS A FILM DIRECTOR, JUST IN EVERYDAY LIFE.

SO WHEN SOMEONE WAS TELLING ME A REALLY BORING STORY I COULD

JUST GO, AND CUT.

I DIDN'T FINISH.

WE GOT IT!

THAT'S A WRAP.

THAT WOULD COME IN HANDY.

YOU COME HOME LATE.

YOUR WIFE'S LIKE, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?

AND CUT.

OK, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

THIS TIME YOU DON'T CARE WHERE I WAS.

IN FACT YOU'RE HAPPY TO SEE ME.

LET'S TRY IT TOPLESS.

ACTION!

HE'S A JERK.

THAT GUY'S A JERK.

I DO HAVE A WIFE.

I GOT MARRIED.

MY WIFE CHANGED HER NAME.

I KNOW SOME WOMEN HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT.

BUT I WANTED HER TO HAVE MY OLD GIRLFRIEND'S NAME.

SO CALL ME OLD FASHIONED.

BUT THIS FELLA DOES WHAT THE BIBLE TELLS HIM.

THE BIBLE DOESN'T

SAY THAT AT ALL.

HE'S DUMB AS A ROCK.

I DON'T THINK MY WIFE'S PARENTS LIKE ME THOUGH.

BECAUSE APPARENTLY WHEN YOU MEET SOMEONE'S MOTHER YOU'RE

NOT SUPPOSED TO HUG HER AND GO, OH YEAH.

THIS FEELS RIGHT.

AND IF THEIR DAD'S SHORT, DON'T TRY AND PICK HIM UP.

OH YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BABY DADDY.

IT'S A BABY DADDY.

WHEE!

STRANGE.

I DO LOVE BEING MARRIED.

I HATED BEING SINGLE, YOU KNOW?

THE WORST IS WHEN YOU ASK SOMEONE OUT AND

THEY TURN YOU DOWN.

CAUSE REALLY WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IS, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T EVEN FEEL LIKE EATING A FREE MEAL AROUND YOU.

YOU MAKE ME WANT TO GO ON A DIET.

IT ALWAYS GOES BACK

TO FOOD WITH HIM.

SAD.

IT'S AN ISSUE.

I LOVE MY WIFE.

BUT RECENTLY SHE HAS GOTTEN VERY LAZY.

OR AS SHE DESCRIBES IT, PREGNANT.

I'M EIGHT MONTHS PREGNANT.

DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T MOVE THOSE CINDER BLOCKS.

OK, HE BETTER BE JOKING.

CAUSE THAT AIN'T FUNNY FELLA.

PREGNANCY IS AN AMAZING SACRIFICE, ISN'T IT?

OCCASIONALLY MY WIFE DOES COMPLAIN.

YOU KNOW, I'M TIRED, I'M HUNGRY

I'M COLD, LET ME BACK INSIDE.

MOVE THOSE CINDER BLOCKS, I'LL LET YOU BACK IN.

A DEAL'S A DEAL.

WE ALREADY HAVE ONE DAUGHTER.

WE DID A HOME BIRTH.

IF YOU'RE UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT, THAT MEANS YOU TAKE THE

HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF MEDICAL KNOWLEDGE AND

JUST THROW THAT AWAY.

AND YOU WING IT!

HEY, I CAN'T PROGRAM A VCR.

I'M HERE TO HELP.

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO STAND TERRIFIED?

CAUSE THAT WILL BE MY CONTRIBUTION.

I DID LEARN A LOT. I TELL YA.

I COULD NEVER HAVE A BABY CAUSE I DON'T HAVE A UTERUS.

BUT EVEN IF I DID HAVE A UTERUS, I DON'T THINK I COULD

DO IT, LADIES.

I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE SEX WITH A MAN.

UNLESS HE LOOKED LIKE ME.

THEN IT WOULD BE HOT.

SOME JIM ON JIM ACTION.

HE'S WEIRD.

I DO LOVE BEING A DAD THOUGH.

PEOPLE TREAT YOU DIFFERENTLY WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING A NEWBORN.

ESPECIALLY IN STRIP CLUBS.

HEY THAT WAS A TRICK

JOKE, FELLA.

IT WAS A TRICK ONE.

TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK, TRICK.

I DID NOTHING TODAY.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE ACTIVITY.

I, UH--

SOME OTHER LAZY PEOPLE.

THERE YOU GO.

I LOVE DOING NOTHING.

YOU CAN'T TELL PEOPLE YOU DO NOTHING THOUGH.

THEY'RE LIKE, WE WENT SHOPPING TODAY, WHAT'D YOU DO?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

OH, WELL YOU COULD'VE COME WITH US.

I'D RATHER DIE.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE RAINY DAYS.

YOU WAKE UP YOU'RE LIKE, WELL IT LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT DOING

CRAP TODAY.

HUH?

IT'S TOO BAD. I WAS PROBABLY GOING

TO GO KAYAKING.

CLIMB A GIANT ROCK OR SOMETHING.

BUT NOW I'LL PROBABLY JUST NAP.

YOU EVER NOT GO OUTSIDE ALL DAY AND THEN WHEN YOU FINALLY

DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE EXPLORING ANOTHER PLANET?

OH IT IS LOUD OUT HERE.

THE AIR MOVES AND EVERYTHING, HUH?

AND IF YOU STAY UP LATE ENOUGH THERE'S NO

PRESSURE TO DO ANYTHING.

YOU'RE LIKE, 3:00 AM I'M NOT GOING TO DO

LAUNDRY LIKE A WEIRDO.

I'M GOING TO DOWNLOAD PORN LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

THAT'S NOT NORMAL AT ALL.

IT IS CRAZY HOW THE INTERNET AND

EMAILS CHANGED OUR LIVES.

YOU EVER GET A HAND WRITTEN LETTER IN THE MAIL TODAY?

YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT THE HELL?

HAS SOMEONE BEEN KIDNAPPED?

HUH, I'M NOT OPENING IT, IT'S PROBABLY FILLED WITH ANTHRAX

OR SOMETHING.

AND EMAILS DEFINITELY MADE SENDING REGULAR MAIL A CHORE.

YOU'RE LIKE, WHAT I STUCK IT IN AN ENVELOPE, NOW I GOT TO

GO OUTSIDE?

WHAT AM I, A TRIATHLETE HERE?

WORK, WORK WORK, WORK, WORK, WORK.

YOU EVER HAVE THAT FRIEND THAT SENDS REALLY LONG EMAILS?

YOU OPEN THEM UP, YOU FEEL LIKE YOU GOT HOMEWORK.

I CAN'T READ THIS DISSERTATION NOW.

I'M GOING TO KEEP THAT AS NEW.

I NEVER EVEN READ THEM HALF THE TIME.

I JUST HIT REPLY, SOUNDS GOOD.

DON'T WRITE BACK, EVER.

EMAIL IS SO EASY THOUGH.

EXCEPT WHEN I HAVE TO WRITE AN EMAIL TO A

REALLY SMART PERSON.

I GET ALL TENSE.

I'M LIKE, GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO BE SURE THIS

IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE.

GUESS I'LL CAPITALIZE A LETTER OR TWO.

THAT'S A SYMPTOM OF BEING LAZY WHEN YOU CAN'T QUITE

REACH THE SHIFT KEY.

UHHHH!

THEY GET THE IDEA.

THANK GOD FOR SPELL CHECK, HUH?

SPELL CHECK SAVES ME CONSTANTLY.

I GET SUCH AN ATTITUDE WITH SPELL CHECK THOUGH.

LIKE, NO!

THAT'S A PERSON'S NAME SPELL CHECK.

SO ARE SO DUMB SPELL CHECK.

I WAS RIGHT.

YOU WERE WRONG.

OH, THAT IS HOW YOU SPELL WEDNESDAY.

THANKS SPELL CHECK.

HE WAS TALKING TO SPELL CHECK.

SPELL CHECK.

I AM A HORRIBLE SPELLER.

YOU KNOW YOUR A POOR SPELLER WHEN YOU'RE WRITING SOMETHING

AND YOU HAVE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU'RE WRITING ABOUT BASED ON

THE WORDS YOU KNOW HOW TO SPELL.

HMM, NO ONE'S HERE, I'LL LEAVE A NOTE.

GUESS I'LL SEE YOU, TOMOR-- TOMORR--

NEXT WEEK.

I GOT TO GET SPELL CHECK FOR THIS PEN.

THIS GUY IS WEIRD.

WE'RE ALL A LITTLE WEIRD.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE LIKE TO THINK THERE'S SOMEONE WEIRDER.

I'M SURE SOME OF YOU ARE LOOKING AT ME GOING, WELL AT

LEAST I'M NOT AS WEIRD AS GAFFIGAN.

AND THEN I'M THINKING, WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT AS WEIRD AS

THOSE PEOPLE IN THE LOONY BIN.

AND THEN THE PEOPLE IN THE LOONY BIN ARE GOING, WELL AT

LEAST I'M AN ORANGE.

HEY, I LIKE ORANGES.

THERE'S SO MANY WEIRD

SITUATIONS IN LIFE ANYWAY.

YOU EVER MIX TWO DIFFERENT GROUPS OF FRIENDS?

THAT CAN BE STRESSFUL.

YOU ALWAYS FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO PREP THEM.

YOU'RE LIKE, HEY YEAH UM, UH THESE PEOPLE OVER HERE, UH,

THEY DON'T THINK I DRINK.

DON'T BE THROWN BY MY BRITISH ACCENT.

GO ALONG WITH IT.

I LOVE WHEN I'M IN BIG CITIES LIKE CHICAGO AND I SEE A

POLICEMAN ON A HORSE.

FOR A SECOND I'M ALWAYS LIKE, DID CANADA INVADE?

WHAT'D, WHAT'D YOU COME FROM A TIME MACHINE?

YOU EVER SEE THE POLICEMAN ON THE HORSE?

THEY ALWAYS HAVE THAT LOOK LIKE, WHY IS

EVERYONE LOOKING AT ME?

JUST ON A 2 TON ANIMAL IN THE MIDDLE OF A HIGHWAY.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

YOU THINK THAT HORSE EVER COMES IN HANDY?

THERE'S SOME ROBBERY, YOU KNOW--

COP, I'M GOING TO KILL EVERY

I LOVE PONIES.

CAN I PET YOUR PONY?

POLICEMEN ON THE HORSE.

THEY PROBABLY RARELY GO UNDERCOVER, HUH?

CAN'T REALLY SEE THEM INFILTRATING THE MAFIA.

HEY, IT'S VINNY THE HORSE.

VINNY THE HORSE, WHY YOU ALWAYS ON A HORSE?

THAT WAS THE WORST

ITALIAN AMERICAN

IMPRESSION I'VE EVER HEARD.

HEY, IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY.

I LOVE HOW WE MEASURE THE

DIFFICULTY OF EVERYTHING

VERSUS BRAIN SURGERY.

HEY IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY.

IT AIN'T BRAIN SURGERY.

WHAT DO BRAIN SURGEONS SAY?

LIKE, HEY IT AIN'T LIKE WE'RE TRYING TO TALK TO WOMEN.

HEY I'M A BRAIN

SURGEON, BUDDY.

AND I DIDN'T APPRECIATE THAT.

HE MADE ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

I DO WANT EVERYONE TO

FEEL COMFORTABLE.

THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JESUS.

HE BETTER NOT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR RELIGIOUS OR NOT.

DOES ANYTHING MAKES YOU FEEL MORE UNCOMFORTABLE THAN SOME

STRANGER GOING, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JESUS.

YEAH, I'D LIKE YOU NOT TO.

WE COULD SAY THAT TO THE POPE.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT JESUS.

YOU'D BE LIKE, EASY FREAK.

GOT TO KEEP WORK AT WORK.

YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT WAS A GOOD IMPRESSION OF THE POPE.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE BIBLE MYSELF.

I HAVEN'T READ IT, BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO,

BECAUSE I'M CATHOLIC.

OH, HE'S GOING TO HELL.

NOT A LOT OF CATHOLICS HAVE READ THE BIBLE.

IT'S A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON RULES FOR CATHOLICS.

IT'S NOT LIKE OTHER RELIGIONS.

HINDUS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT MEAT, THEY DON'T EAT MEAT.

CATHOLICS ARE LIKE, ONLY EAT FISH ON FRIDAYS.

UNLESS YOU FORGET.

EH, DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT.

WE'LL SEE YOU AT EASTER.

MY WIFE--

MY WIFE'S REALLY CATHOLIC.

SHE'S LIKE A SHIITE CATHOLIC.

SHE'S ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT DIABLO.

SO I JOKE AROUND WITH HER, I'LL CALL HER UP.

SHE'LL SAY, WHO IS THIS?

AND I'LL JUST GO, THE DEVIL.

SHE BRINGS ME TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY.

IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO A CATHOLIC MASS THAT IS THE

LONGEST EXPERIENCE OF YOUR LIFE.

MAKES YOU LOOK FORWARD TO

GOING TO THE DMV.

AT TIMES IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE DRAGGING

CHURCH OUT ON PURPOSE.

AH, AH AH!

AH, AH AH!

AH, AH, AH! AH, AMEN, ALREADY!

LET'S WRAP IT UP I'VE GOT SOME SINNING TO DO.

TOO MUCH STANDING INVOLVED IN CHURCH.

CAN'T I LIE DOWN AND WORSHIP?

WHILE I'M EATING A HOT POCKET!

GOD POCKET!

I MOSTLY DAYDREAM IN CHURCH.

I ALWAYS HAVE THAT INTROSPECTIVE LOOK IN MY FACE.

LIKE, HMM.

BUT ON THE INSIDE I'M LIKE, DID I GO TO

WENDY'S TWICE YESTERDAY?

NOT A GOOD CATHOLIC.

I DON'T EVEN FEEL COMFORTABLE WHEN SOMEONE'S PRAYING NEXT TO

ME IN CHURCH.

I'M LIKE, CAN YOU DO THAT OUTSIDE?

I'M TRYING TO CHECK OUT SOME OF THE LADIES IN HERE.

I DO HAVE THE DIRTIEST THOUGHTS IN CHURCH.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, PEACE BE WITH YOU AND AN

EXTRA PEACE FOR YOU.

YOU DESERVE IT.

MY WIFE ALWAYS WANTS ME TO GO TO CONFESSION.

DON'T GET ME WRONG, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T ENJOY

LYING TO A HOLY MAN.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW HONEST PEOPLE ARE BEING IN THERE.

THEY GO IN THERE FOR LIKE A MINUTE AND A HALF, YEAH I

LIED, I DOUBLE PARKED, CAN WE WRAP THIS UP?

I'M MEETING A HOOKER.

YEAH, GRAZIE PADRE.

IT'S SILLY.

SEEMS LIKE SO MUCH AT CHURCH

IS MEMORIZATION.

I HAVE A HORRIBLE MEMORY.

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN WITHOUT THE

APPROVED WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

I LOVE DOING THAT JOKE BECAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS ONE FACING IN

THE AUDIENCE, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL.

THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE I WANT TO BUMP INTO IN HEAVEN.

BE LIKE, HEY REMEMBER ME?

YOU'RE HERE?

YEAH. PETER LOVES MY STUFF.

I'M GOING TO BE DOING A SHOW DOWN NEAR THE

PEARLY GATES LATER ON.

PEARLY GATES.

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT FINDS IT ODD THAT HEAVEN HAS GATES?

GATES?

WHAT KIND OF A NEIGHBORHOOD IS HEAVEN IN?

WHAT DO YOU DIE AND YOU GO TO A GATED COMMUNITY?

ARE THE GATES NECESSARY?

YEAH, WE HAD A LOT OF KIDS SNEAKING IN USING THE POOL.

THOSE GATES WEREN'T EASY.

WE HAD TO GO DOWN TO HELL, GET A CONTRACTOR AND EVERYTHING.

HEY I'M A CONTRACTOR.

IN TV AND FILMS WHENEVER THEY SHOW SOMEONE GOING TO HEAVEN

THEY ALWAYS SHOW THEM GOING UP AN ESCALATOR.

LIKE HEAVEN'S IN THE MALL OR SOMETHING.

HEY CAN WE STOP BY ORANGE JULIUS?

THAT PLACE ISN'T EVEN

OPEN ANYMORE.

I THINK RELIGION'S FASCINATING.

ADAM AND EVE KICKED OUT OF PARADISE FOR EATING AN APPLE.

AN APPLE.

WOULD YOU EVER HAVE BEEN TEMPTED BY AN APPLE?

I'D BE LIKE, COVER IT IN CARAMEL AND COME BACK TO ME.

YOU GOT CAKE BACK THERE?

I LOVE CAKE.

JESUS, OF COURSE, WAS A CARPENTER.

WE ALL KNOW THAT.

YOU THINK JESUS WAS A GOOD CARPENTER?

BECAUSE THE BIBLE DOESN'T REALLY ADDRESS IT.

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS BACK THEN PEOPLE COULD HAVE BEEN, GOOD

THING THAT MESSIAH THING WORKED OUT.

YEAH, HE BUILT A SHED FOR MY COUSIN.

WHAT A PIECE OF CRAP.

AND THE ENTIRE TIME HE'S LIKE, I'M THE SON OF GOD.

WELL RIGHT NOW YOU'RE BUILDING A SHED.

SO HOP TO IT, "HEY-ZEUS".

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT IF I WAS ELECTROCUTED RIGHT NOW?

HE DID A JESUS JOKE AND

HE WAS ELECTROCUTED.

IT WAS THE BEST SHOW

I'VE EVER SEEN.

AND IT'S HELPED MY FAITH.

I THINK IT'S FASCIN-- I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE

OVERHEARD THAT CONVERSATION,

WHERE MARY EXPLAINED TO JOSEPH THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT.

JOSEPH WASN'T THE FATHER?

JOSEPH? - YEAH.

YEAH, UM UH.

YOU KNOW WE'VE NEVER MADE LOVE?

YEAH.

YEAH UM ANYWAY, UH.

LAST NIGHT AN ANGEL VISITED ME--

AND NOW I'M PREGNANT.

JESUS CHRIST!

OH, YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT IT.

IT WOULD'VE BEEN HARD TO GET JESUS A PRESENT BACK THEN.

CAUSE WHATEVER YOU GOT HIM AS A PRESENT BACK THEN IT MUST

HAVE BEEN, OH PAIR OF SOCKS, THANKS.

YOU KNOW I'M DYING FOR YOUR SINS, RIGHT?

YEAH, BUT THANKS

FOR THE SOCKS.

THEY'LL GO GREAT WITH MY SANDALS.

WHAT AM I, GERMAN?

I'M OFFENDED ON SO MANY

DIFFERENT LEVELS.

WHAT IF MOSES WAS HERE?

WE ALL KNOW MOSES LED THE ISRAELITES OUT OF EGYPT.

THEY WANDERED IN THE DESERT FOR 40 YEARS.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT AFTER A YEAR I WOULD HAVE

BEEN, THIS MOSES DOESN'T KNOW WHERE THE HELL HE'S GOING!

I APPRECIATE HIM GETTING US OUT OF EGYPT.

BUT WE'RE IN THE DESERT, FOLKS.

AS IN NO AGUA.

THEY WOULDN'T SAY AGUA.

AND AFTER MOSES PARTED THE RED SEA DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

WAS HE LIKE, TA-DAH!

HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES?

THAT'LL STOP SOME OF YOUR BITCHING.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S

CHRONOLOGICALLY ACCURATE.

THIS GUY'S GOING TO HELL IN TWO RELIGIONS.

HE'S PRACTICALLY SPRINTING THERE.

DON'T WORRY, YOU KNOW GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

BECAUSE HE WAS TALKING TO MOSES AS A BURNING BUSH.

A BURNING BUSH?

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF YOU WERE THE FIRST PERSON MOSES TOLD

ABOUT THAT?

YEAH, GOD JUST TALKED TO ME AS A BURNING BUSH.

SURE HE DID.

MOSES WE THINK MAYBE YOU'VE BEEN BURNING SOME BUSH.

ALL RIGHT THAT IS ALL FOR ME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH YOU GUYS.

-JOSH.

FIRST LINE WOULD BE AWESOME.

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I WRITE THANKS FOR THE KISSES?

-YES.

-OK.

-HEH-HEH-HEH! -UH-HUH, HUH!

-HI.

-HA HA HAH HA!

-AHHHHH! -AH HA HA HA!

HOT POCKETS.

POT PIE EXPRESS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

-I LOVE YOU... -I AM TELLING YOUR WIFE.

-SHE'S RIGHT AROUND HERE.

-YOU CAN SIGN IT TO WHOEVER YOU LIKE.

-YOU. -YES.

-CAN YOU MAKE IT TO KYM, K-Y-M, MARK, AND BEAN .

THIS IS BEAN.

YOU KNOW MY WIFE'S PREGNANT.

WHEN ARE YOU DUE?

-UH, SIX WEEKS.

NOVEMBER 16TH.

I'M NOVEMBER 20TH.

-OH WOW!

-WE SHOULD HAVE OUR BABIES, YOU KNOW--

-WE'RE HAVING A BOY, I DON'T KNOW...

-WE'RE HAVING A BOY TOO.

MAYBE THEY'LL BOTH BE GAY

AND THEY COULD HANG OUT.

-HA HA HA HA!

-OH THAT IS SO FUNNY. -OH YEAH!