Jim Carrey: Unnatural Act (1991) - full transcript

Here comes Jim.
He's just swell.

You can tell,
he does it for the money.

Here comes Jim,
tall and trim.

Put your hands together
and welcome him.

Let's hear for the Jim Dancers, ladies
and gentlemen. Come on, give it up!

The Jim Dancers.
Come on, let's hear it.

The Jim Dancers, yeah!
The Jim Dancers, woo!

The Jim Dancers all right.

There they go! Give it to them.

Well, good evening ladies and gentlemen,
my name is Jim Carrey,

and how are you this evening,
all righty then.



I grew up in Canada.

Is there anybody here
from Canada?

Now, I used to get really upset,
when I told people

where I came from
down to Los Angeles.

Because I always got
the same response.

"Canada? Wow.

Must've been cold."

Now I just go along with them.

"Yes. Canada.

It was a frozen hostile wasteland.

And there was much work to be done.

If we were to survive the elements

after boring a hole through the ice

to find food,



my good friend Nantuk and I,

would build an igloo

to protect ourselves

from polar bears

and flying hokey pucks.

Then...

then we would drink a lot of beer.

And when Nantuk was ready,
he would tell me the story

of the great moose

who said to the little squirrel,

'Hey, Rockey!

Watch me pull
a rabbit out of my hat!'"

Anyway...

Anyway, I'm here tonight
and I feel good.

Really good.
Excellent. Super.

I just wanna go, go!
Go! Go!

I think, those subliminal motivation tapes
are starting to make a difference.

Yeah, that's right,
I listen to motivational tapes.

Think, I wanna get stuck
in this dead end job?

No, sorry, not me!

I wanna do something...

wonderful.

I wanna be one of those
gospel singers on a PTL club.

'Cause those guys are
just happy no matter what.

I think I saw him
on the hill the other day.

I think I saw him when
I watched the children play.

But when I opened up
my voice to sing him praise,

he ran away.

Ran away.

Far away.

My singing made sweet
Jesus run away.

I did not have to wait
for Judgment Day,

because my song

made the Good Lord...

Imagine if you could
actually be that happy.

That would be powerful, man.

People would be tunneling
under the street to avoid you.

"Oh, man...

Is the happy guy still out there?"

"Honey! Looks like I gonna be late again!

No, it's the happy guy.

He's right beside the car,
I can't get near it."

Of course, if I wanna to be that happy,
I'd have to forget all of my problems.

And the only time
I forget all my problems

is when I'm right smack dab
in the middle of sexual orgasm.

So I have them
as often as I can.

I'm having one right now.

Ever had one of those
really smooth orgasms?

Turns you into Elvis.

I think, that's how Elvis
got that way, actually.

But that's my only escape.
You know.

Sure, I could go on a vacation.

But I'd still be thinking about
what I gotta do when I come home.

See, to me,

an orgasm is like...

a mini vacation.

But it's better, because you can't think
about anything when you have one.

"Oh man, I'm way
behind in the red..."

"My kids need braces.

What am I gonna do?"

And you're right back into
the pain of life, you know.

But for thirty seconds,
man, you're free.

All you can think about is,

"What the hell am I
gonna grab on to?

Gee, I hope, the person I'm with
doesn't do anything stupid,

like move!"

You ever been with somebody who
wanted to just keep on moving?

I used to keep a brick under
my pillow for people like that.

"It's over! Let it go!"

"We won't go out with her again."

That's the only time.

That's the only time
I'm really truly free.

The rest of the time,
I sit around

and I worry about
the stupidest things.

Just stupid things. Ideas.

Like, what would you do,

if you found out your mom
and dad went to hell?

Wouldn't it just ruin the rest of your life?
You'd be walking around,

"They taught me everything I know.

I even look like them!"

Of course, my mom would
drive the devil crazy.

If she ever went to hell.

She'd spend eternity going,

"Something's burning.

I can smell that!"

My mom could always smell
something burning, man.

I spent half my childhood
feeling the walls for hot spots.

Nine times out of ten
it was my father.

See, like a lot of smokers,

his favorite cigarette of the day
was that one right after dinner.

You know.

During his nap.

Fun watch him
to wake up though.

"Oh god!"

"Drop and roll, dad!"

I just worry too much,
though, I don't know.

Maybe there is nothing
to worry about, maybe...

maybe, there is no
actual place called hell.

Maybe hell is...

having to listen to your grandparents
breath through their nose

when they're eating a sandwich.

Get that humming thing.

It's not a meal, it's
a struggle for life itself.

"I think, I'll make
another one!"

"Noooo!

No...

We'll be good."

Here's a scary
concept though.

Getting old...

you can't do that.

You gotta kiss that
stuff goodbye, man.

I just wanna keep challenging
myself, you know.

I don't wanna become
the reminiscing guy,

you know, people run into
at bars and stuff.

Can always tell how
boring their life is

by how far back they
have to reach for glory.

They're like,

"Remember...

remember, how fast
I used to be...

when I was a sperm!

I'll never forget
the day of the big race.

There were millions
of us in the field.

But I beat them all

to fertilize that egg, mister.

Back in the cervix

I was semen first class."

Don't wanna be like that.

See, for me,

for me, Jimmy Stewart is
the kind of guy that I'd love to be.

It's very difficult to be
that though. You know?

I mean, he is just kinda
up here somewhere.

And I just want...

I love him, man.
It's a great example

of somebody who's had
an incredibly productive life.

Seems like no matter
what happens,

no matter how
bad things get,

Jimmy Stewart can look
at it in a positive way.

"Well, I guess we gonna have
ourselves a nuclear holocaust.

Oh, hey, everybody,
come on over the window!

Look at that mushroom cloud.

Isn't it beautiful?

And... and the amazing thing to me
is that-that something so...

magnificent,

colorful could just...

melt your face right off."

That's positive energy.

You know?

You gotta look death
right in the face.

That's what Jimmy
Stewart would do.

"Hi, mister Death, you look like
you could use some soup."

I'd wanna be
like that, man.

Maybe I will be.

Maybe someday after I'm
finished singing the gospel

I'll go even further
and become

a real holy man.

And I'm not talking about the kind
of holy men you see on TV,

those TV evangelists.
They are not holy men.

They are just ambitious.

I saw one guy
who was so ambitious,

he actually became
jealous of the Lord.

You could tell, it came out, half way
through the ceremony he said,

"When I was a child,

I wanted to be
the savior of the world.

Then they told me that Jesus
was the Son of God and I realize

it's all who you know."

Very petty, petty people. You know?

Can't be like that, if you
wanna be a holy man.

And you gotta be
sure of yourself, too,

when you make a decision,
you cannot waver in any way,

you gotta stick with it.

You'd never see Gandhi

during a hunger strike

sneaking into the kitchen
in the middle of the night.

"Gandhi?

What are you doing down here?"

"Um,

I thought I heard
a prowler...

and I was going to hit him
over the head

with this giant bowl
of potato salad."

He would never put himself
in that position. You know?

And you gotta control your
temper constantly, you know.

You cannot fly off the handle
at any moment.

You gotta be right
in the center.

Jesus was very composed his whole
live and right up to the end.

If that was me,
I'd be up there going,

"Great!
Just beautiful!

You guys are gonna get it.

Wait till my father
hears about it."

That'd be a whole
different book, man.

Then there are those weird impulses
we get constantly. You know?

We have to fight them off
every days of our lives.

Those mad little...
impulses we get.

And everybody gets them, too.

Like you'd be with a friend.

Could be your best friend
in a whole world,

standing about two feet
away, talking to you.

You are thinking,

"My goodness.

I could just fire out
and hit him right now.

He would never expect it."

See, madness is never
that far away!

It's as close as saying yes
to the wrong impulse.

But people who stay sane are the people
who can make those quick decisions.

"Should I stick my finger
into the fan...

or leave the room
right now?"

"Should I run the blade of this razor
across my tongue...

or just finish shaving
and move away from the sink?"

Come on,
you're right there!

But you don't,
because luckily

most of us have that little voice
inside our head, that says,

"Turning the car
in the oncoming traffic

is counterproductive!"

Imagine if we didn't
have that voice, man.

I wouldn't even
be here right now.

I'd be in the shark
tank at Sea World.

"He's got my legs,
he's got my legs!"

We'd be apologizing
till the end of time.

"Hi, how are you?

Sorry, man."

You, guys, enjoying the show?

Wow, excuse me, jeez!

Sorry about that,

just came into my head and I
made a decision. I don't know.

It's a...

I hate to turn my back
on the audience, I really do.

I think, nine out of ten of the worst
impulses we get, though,

are when we are behind the wheel
of a car. You know?

That's why I don't think
it's a good idea

to carry a gun

in the glove compartment!

'Cause chances are,
if it's there,

sooner or later
you gonna use it.

Of course, then again,
what are you gonna do,

if somebody cuts you off
in the freeway.

Just let them go?!

You pretty much have to
shoot them, you know.

Otherwise they
won't learn nothing.

Or...

say, all of a sudden you have to
go on a real killing spree

and all you have
is a knife.

Well, after the couple of people
your arm is aching.

You have to switch hands

and you look like a girl.

"Stop laughing and die!"

Who needs that kind
of aggravation, man?

When there are automatic
weapons on sale!

That's why a lot of my friends are taking
martial arts classes and stuff like that.

Which I think
is a really good idea.

Anybody in
the martial arts here?

Come on!

Right now, baby!

Try and penetrate
my crab's hands!

"He's a crustacean!

Somebody get some
boiling water!"

I think, that's a good idea to know
how to defend yourself, though.

I really do.

I just wish the people
who took martial arts

would master the technique before
they go around showing it off.

Because it's really annoying
when they come up to you and go,

"Hey, man.

I just learned this incredible
new move in karate today.

But you gotta
come at me like this."

Jeez, is there anything I can do
to make it easier for ya?

Maybe I can put my head under
the back wheel of your car?!

"Hey! I'm a mugger!

Kick me in the groin
and I pop my eyes out!"

That's how it goes
down in the street.

That's how it goes
down, man.

"Give me you money!"

"No!"

"All right, then I'm gonna
have to stab ya.

With my right hand
in a lunging fashion.

Try to keep your weight
on a back leg."

What world is this!
What wonderful world!

"Gee, he does it all!"

Of course I don't think

we'd need any of this stuff if we'd
just communicate to each other.

Of course, if you wanted to do that,

you'd have to find some kinda language
that everyone understood.

Myself,
I think that's music.

I happen to love it.

"How am I Supposed to Live Without You"
(Michael Bolton)

"What happened to him?"

"I don't know, he tried to sing
like Michael Bolton,

something just popped
in his head."

That guy tries really
hard, doesn't he?

No, he puts a lot
into a song, come on!

He is 99% effort,
that man.

God, I'd hate to...

I'd hate to go to one
of his concerts.

By the end of it he'd have
a big bubble on his head.

They want an encore, cut me!

I love the way he sings,
I'm just afraid for him, that's all.

Oh, we should open up
the parameters,

of the music we
listen to, you know?

It really bothers me that
the people in this country

don't know about
the incredible pop music

coming out of
the Middle East right now.

I like to be the one
who bring it to the West.

Come on, clap your hands,
I'll do it myself.

We don't get to listen
to that, do we.

What's going on, man?

It's all about payola, isn't it?

We should try to put
ourselves in their shoes.

For a change.

Wake up in the morning.

Pick the sand
out of your teeth.

Turn on that radio dial.

"That was 'Hatiba' by Cool Abdul.

Coming up next Libya rap.

DJ Jazzy Mahakhnubar.

And a fresh Rafsanjani.

But first,

a word from our hostage."

"They mean business!

Send more guns!"

Communication.

Hardest thing in the world.

You know, I can look at you, guys,
I can communicate to you all night,

but one on one...

I'm terrible.

Just the certain things about communicating
that really bother me.

You know?

Like whenever I meet
somebody new, I say,

"Hi! How are you?"

Most of the time people hear that,
they'll say something like,

"Good, and yourself?"

"I'm fine, thank you very much!"

But sometimes they
like to surprise you.

"I've got no dream, man.

I'm all dead inside!"

"I'm sorry, wrong answer,
but thank you for playing!"

Man, if I'm worried about something,
I don't even leave my house anymore.

Because I know, there is five people
waiting out there somewhere

just to ask me that question.

"Hey, Jim!

How are you?"

And I go,
"Really good.

Please, look away.

Danger! Danger! Danger!"

I should change the response
or something, you know?

"How am I?
Jee, I don't know.

Let me check.

I'd like to do
a few more tests..."

Thank you.

The weird thing is, though,
we've gotten so used to hearing this

"hi, how are you",

that if somebody doesn't say it,

we answer it anyway.

"Hi, Bob!"

"Good, and you?"

And the conversation
goes nowhere.

Because all you can here is
that voice in your head going,

"He thinks you're an idiot.

He's gonna tell everyone.

Kill him!

Kill hiiim!"

And you have to make one
of those decisions again, you know.

See, I think, body language is
the communication of the future.

For instance, if you're
staying like this,

it means,
"Hey, girls!

I'm single

and I have a curvature
of the spine!"

You gotta put it
out there, you know.

And guys, seriously,
the walk is everything.

The walk is the most
important element.

If you wanna whole room full
of ladies to know what you want

without them getting a wrong idea,

walk into a singles bar like this.

See, this puts out a definite
message, you know.

It says,
"Listen!

Listen, I could care less, but...

my crotch would like
to buy you a beer."

You gotta do something
like that, you know.

Believe me,

these days women have heard
every line there is to say.

Guys, you gotta get in there
with something visual

and distract them.

"Hey, baby!

Come here for a second.

Yeah, you, come on over here.

Listen, uh...

Listen, do you...

do you find it unusually windy today?"

Thank you very much,
you guys have been great!

I had a wonderful time,
thank you!