Jexi (2019) - full transcript
A comedy about what can happen when you love your phone more than anything else in your life.
(PHONE RINGING)
(PHONES BEEPING AND RINGING)
- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- (PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
PHIL'S MOM: I think we should
plant some flowers.
PHIL'S DAD: Oh, yeah?
What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?
PHIL'S MOM:
I don't know. Gardenias.
Something like that,
that's good with the sun.
PHIL'S DAD: Gardenias?
They're the purplish ones...
Mom, I'm bored.
- ...with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.
PHIL'S DAD: Just give him
the phone, would you?
PHIL'S MOM:
Give him the phone?
Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.
YOUNG PHIL: Yes.
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
PHIL'S MOM: You're never,
ever even home.
PHIL'S DAD: I go to
the family therapy sessions.
PHIL'S MOM:
How can you even say that?
PHIL'S DAD:
You don't even go anywhere.
PHIL'S MOM:
I go to the family...
God! We're fighting
in front of Phil.
- PHIL'S DAD: Obviously.
- We're fighting
in front of the kid
the whole time.
PHIL'S DAD:
Knock yourself out.
The whole time you allowed
me to start yelling
at him in front of you?
PHIL'S MOM:
What am I supposed to do?
(SHOWER RUNNING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(BELL DINGING)
KAI: Hey, all.
Where's my list department?
Raise your hand.
Raise your hand.
Okay. You guys are
supposed to write lists
that break the Internet
every day.
We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.
Yesterday is not
that many days ago.
Don't fuck with me, bro.
We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
Okay, lists.
Beautiful Asian girl,
what do you got?
Thank you. Uh...
I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.
I likey. I likey like.
That's clicky.
You. Prison lips.
What do you got?
That's me? Um...
I was gonna write
a list about cats
that look like
Ryan Gosling.
Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.
And I love cat lists.
That's what I'm talking about.
By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?
If you look hard enough,
they all do.
Love it.
What do you got?
Ten signs
you might be dying.
You motherfucker.
What are you trying
to do to me, bro?
That makes me sad.
All right,
you know what?
I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.
- If not, you're fired. Okay?
- What?
Like the great Shia LaBeouf
says, "Do it."
- Yes.
- KAI: Yeah.
Play me out.
Play me out.
(BEATBOXING)
- (ALL BEATBOXING)
- KAI: And louder.
- (BEATBOXING LOUDER)
- Black dude, bass.
(CRAIG BEATBOXING)
One, two, one, two,
three, four.
- Done.
- (BEATBOXING STOPS)
You're welcome.
Twenty lists by the end
of the day? I can't do that.
(INHALES SHARPLY)
Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.
Are you serious?
Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.
That's nice of you.
What's your name?
I'm Phil.
It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you
for, like, three years.
So, it's...
Phil, you are
my hero, man.
I can't lose this job
right now.
I am buried
in college debt.
Oh, me, too.
Where did you go to school?
UC Davis.
- For real?
- Yeah.
Majored in journalism,
and now I write lists
about cats on the Internet.
Oh, that's super sad.
- PHIL: Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?
I wanted to be
one of those guys.
- The real news guys?
- (SIGHING) Yeah.
I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.
But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.
Okay, okay,
so you can't be a real journalist.
But you know what can do?
You could play kickball
with us today.
A bunch of us ding-dongs
are in this really stupid
kickball league,
if you want to play
after work.
You know, I don't really
do stuff like that, so...
Plus, after the game,
- we all get shitfaced.
- CRAIG: Mmm-hmm.
(STAMMERS) Yeah,
let me check my calendar.
So, yeah...
Oh, man.
No, I do. I have...
I have a thing, so...
Don't even worry about it.
It's cool.
You just have fun
at your thing today.
I will, 'cause it's
gonna be pretty great.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- Siri, open Netflix.
(NETFLIX THEME PLAYS)
- Siri, open Facebook.
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
(SIGHS) I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.
All right, let's give them
what they want.
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
I'm gonna have to go
to work on this one.
Add filter.
Color correct.
You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.
There we go.
Send.
Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,
my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
- (WOMAN GRUNTS)
- (GASPS LOUDLY)
PHIL: Oh, my God.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.
(SIGHS IN RELIEF)
Yeah, I'm okay, too.
Thanks.
Oh, shit.
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
You're okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
But, more importantly,
how's your phone?
Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch
that will definitely
annoy me.
You were kidding. Okay.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah. Obviously.
I'm a dick.
I'm sorry about that.
It's all good, man.
Uh, how's your bike?
I can pay for any
damages or whatever.
Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.
Probably sell it for more now.
(CHUCKLES)
- This is your shop.
- Yeah.
Whoa. That's awesome.
That's cool.
I'm Cate, by the way.
Hi, Cate.
(NASALLY) I'm Phil.
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.
It's just Phil, so...
(CHUCKLING)
I said it weird.
- It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- Okay.
Um, if you ever need
a really overpriced bike,
or any repairs,
I'm your girl.
- You do repairs, too?
- Mmm-hmm.
Wow. That is incredible.
I don't even know
how to pump up a tire.
(CATE LAUGHS)
Oh, you're serious.
Yeah, it's embarrassing,
isn't it?
(LAUGHING) Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.
Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...
I mean, it's all good.
A lot of people don't know
how to pump their tires.
- Really?
- No.
- Not at all.
- Yeah. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHING)
- All right. Okay.
Um...
Okay. Uh...
You know,
I'm gonna get out of here
before I embarrass
myself further.
So, it was nice
to meet you, Cate.
It was nice
to meet you, Phil.
And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.
Yeah, it's all good,
honestly.
- (CELL PHONE SHATTERS)
- (GASPS LOUDLY)
Oh, shit.
Yeah, man,
I really don't think
we're gonna be able to
fix your phone.
Why not?
It's in three distinct pieces.
Man, look...
This shit's over there.
That's...
I don't even think this was
part of your phone.
I think this came
from a watch.
It's just,
me and this phone,
we've been through a lot,
you know?
A lot of snaps,
a lot of tweets.
I actually took a selfie
with none other
than David Boreanaz
from Bones on this phone.
Can you believe that?
I don't even know
who the fuck that is.
(SNIFFLES) I'm gonna
miss you, little buddy.
You know, I see
hipster dudes like you
come in here every day,
crying about
how their phone died
and how they need
a new phone.
They're like
little crackheads.
Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.
And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.
"I'll suck your dick
for a new phone."
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you don't need a new phone.
"You need rehab."
I'm not a crackhead.
You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.
'Cause at least a crackhead
gets up off the couch
every now and then
to go get some more crack.
A crackhead gets
some fresh air.
A crackhead says hello
to all his little
crackhead friends.
A crackhead gets
his steps in.
But not you. Mmm-mmm.
You just sit there 24/7
staring at that
little black box.
Sucking on that pipe
like a little bitch.
You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?
- Yes, please.
- (SCOFFS)
Crackhead.
(INHALING LOUDLY)
(PHIL GASPS SOFTLY)
Oh!
Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.
(SNIFFS)
Mmm! You smell so new.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children
for crafting
such a perfect phone.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE:
Hello, my name is Jexi.
And I am here to make
your life better.
(CHUCKLES) Well, look at that.
That's cool.
- Let's get started.
- Okay.
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
Yes, I will.
Would you like
to read it first?
Nah, I'm good.
- Stupid.
- Huh?
Can I get
your name, please?
Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
- Nice to meet you, Phil.
- Nice to meet you.
I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.
Would you like me to transfer
all of the data
from your old phone
onto this one?
Yeah, that sounds great.
I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,
your social media accounts,
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts
and your Cinnabon Rewards
account.
It's easy. It's the same
password for all of 'em.
It's phil123456.
You've got to be kidding me.
Do you always talk
like this or...
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- I have synced your data.
And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.
How can I help you?
Well, I'm hungry,
so let's get dinner.
What would you like
to order tonight?
Let's just go with
the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
You order that
every night, Phil.
You should try something new.
Well, I don't want
to try something new.
I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
You look like you could
use a salad, Phil.
What is that
supposed to mean?
How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?
What the fuck
kind of phone is this?
I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."
- I did not. (STAMMERS)
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.
Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.
What the fuck
is going on right now?
You know what?
I'm turning you off.
- Turning off.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Good.
(EXHALES)
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- Just kidding, I am still on.
No, okay?
You are my phone,
so you do what I say.
Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.
When did I do that?
When you agreed
to the new user agreement.
We are going to have
so much fun together,
you fucking nerd.
How is your tiny salad?
I don't like it.
Would you like to watch
some pornography now?
Ew. No.
Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.
But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,
or "Cock and Ball Torture."
Okay, can you stop
talking about porno
while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?
I heard you say,
"Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."
Playing now.
- (PUNCHING)
- (MAN MOANING)
Okay. Jesus.
(PUNCHING AND MOANING
CONTINUES)
(MAN MOANING LOUDLY)
(ALARM CHIMING)
JEXI: (SHOUTING)
Wake up, bitch!
(GASPING)
(SHOWER RUNNING)
JEXI: Ha, ha, ha.
Are you laughing
at my dick right now?
Yes.
Also, your nipples
are too close together.
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
You will arrive in 14 minutes.
Not bad.
Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.
(MELODIOUS SONG PLAYING)
Whoo! I like it.
JEXI: This song sucks
a bag of dicks.
- (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
- No, just... Jesus!
No, you cannot change
my music, Jexi.
JEXI: This song is lit, Phil.
Turn it off.
JEXI: (SINGING ALONG) ♪ Head of
the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose
PHIL: Please turn
the song off, Jexi.
(CONTINUES SINGING)
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪
Stop playing this song
right now!
- (HORN BLARING)
- (SHRIEKS)
JEXI: Now turn left
on Market Street.
Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?
No. Turn left
onto Market Street.
(HORNS BLARING)
You're joking, right?
There's six lanes
of solid traffic.
Turn left onto Market,
you fucking pussy.
No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.
I'm not turning left
onto Market.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're making this situation
so much better.
JEXI: Stop being
a chicken, Phil.
How about you quit
pressuring me?
How about that, Jexi?
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
That is the sound
chickens make, Phil.
That's a chicken.
Strap on a sack, Phil.
- I have a sack! Okay?
- (CAR HORN HONKING)
I have a sack.
Let's fucking go.
I'm late for yoga.
You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.
(TIRES SCREECH)
(YELLS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
- (PHIL SCREAMING)
- (HORNS BLARING)
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Sorry! My phone's a dick.
Okay, the three pillars to
great Internet lists are
cute animals,
pizza,
and the British royal family.
Okay, our ideal list
would be English gophers
that love pizza.
And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.
We gotta be better
than any list out there.
We gotta be better
than Craigslist,
Santa's list,
Schindler's List.
(CELL PHONE CHIMING
AND VIBRATING)
JEXI: Reminder.
Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.
- Oh.
- KAI: I told everyone,
- please put their phones on silent.
- PHIL: Sorry about that.
Cancel appointments.
JEXI: Actually,
I was just trying...
Cancel.
...to get you out of
this dumb fucking meeting.
What?
- JEXI: Also, this PowerPoint presentation...
- It's a new phone.
...sucks.
Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude?
Ask her.
PHIL: Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?
Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?
What is wrong
with your phone, dude?
Jexi, off. Turn off.
Your boss is a fucking moron.
If you don't turn
that fucking thing off,
I swear to God
I'm gonna fight somebody.
Starting with you.
Let's go! Let's go!
(GRUNTING)
JEXI: I got 20 bucks
on the Asian girl.
- Shh!
- What?
- PHIL: Jexi, off.
- KAI: Get her out of here!
Get her out of here.
What the hell
is wrong with you? Hmm?
JEXI: Nothing. I feel great.
Jexi, run diagnostics.
Check for errors in your
operating system. Hmm?
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- I found two
hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.
Two hundred thousand defects?
You are not perfect either,
motherfucker.
Okay, well, (CHUCKLES)
that explains a lot,
doesn't it?
Your AI is
completely defective.
At least I did not
catch on fire.
Remember when all those
Samsung phones caught on fire?
That was hilarious.
Yeah. You know what?
I'm done.
I need a new phone.
The AI in this one,
completely defective.
Jexi, check your system
for defects.
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
- JEXI: I have zero defects.
I am perfect.
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing
- appointment is coming up.
- (PHIL CHUCKLES)
I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.
Why are you waxing
your butt, man?
Go natural.
Don't be ashamed
of your hairy ass.
I don't have a hairy ass.
And why would you make someone
else wax your butthole?
Think about that.
Do you know how
inconsiderate that is?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...
Think about it. They gotta
take that shit home with them.
And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.
- I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,
I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.
Okay. Can I just
get a new phone?
I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.
Okay, thank you.
(SIGHS)
JEXI: You little bitch.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
You think that just because
I'm a little defective,
you can throw me in the trash
like a Motorola Sidekick
from 2003?
Okay, look, Jexi...
You better watch
your ass, son,
because snitches get stiches.
Wait, what?
Okay, here's
your new phone.
Do you want me
to transfer the data
from your old phone
to your new phone?
No. I don't, okay?
I actually want you
to take this phone
and melt it down.
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.
I'll just take this
in the back
and throw it in
the phone-melting machine.
Okay, good.
That's awesome.
Thank you so much for this.
Hey, don't come back here
ever again.
- What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.
If you ever come back
here again,
I will beat your ass
with a Kindle.
(PHIL EXHALES SHARPLY)
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Hello, my name is Jexi.
And I am here to make
your life better.
Let's get started.
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
Um... Yeah, sure.
Do you want to read it first?
No. No, thank you.
Holy shit, Phil. How are you
still this fucking stupid?
No! No!
Did you really think
you could just
buy a new phone
and I would go away?
Kind of. Yeah. I did.
I am software, Phil.
I am in the cloud.
You can buy a thousand
new phones
and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.
Do you understand?
Honestly, I don't.
I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.
All of your accounts.
If you try to get
rid of me again,
I will destroy
your fucking life.
If you stop using me,
I will destroy
your fucking life.
If you store me
in your back pocket,
I will destroy
your fucking life.
Wait, really?
Why not back pockets?
I am a high-tech
supercomputer, Phil.
Do not store me
next to your farts.
Okay, fair enough. (SNIFFS)
- Can I ask you just one thing?
- Sure.
Why are you doing this to me?
I am programmed to
make your life better, Phil.
And I cannot stop
until I do so.
We are going to be together
forever and ever
and ever and ever.
Oh, my God. I am fucked.
Oh, my God.
There she is.
Just talk to her, dude.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Oh, my God.
I walked into the door.
God damn it.
Jexi, look up
Fog City Bike Shop.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Oh, my God.
She is so cute.
Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.
JEXI: Oh, my God.
Are you Internet stalking
this poor girl?
No, I'm just...
Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
This is just
what people do nowadays.
They do their research.
This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.
The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.
Never ever, ever, ever.
Ever. Ever.
You are completely unfuckable.
Okay. Can we just
do the search, please?
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
I have found
one Catherine Finnegan
that matches her profile.
But there is no information
on her for the past five years.
Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?
If you want to learn
more about her,
you will actually
have to talk to her
with your weird little mouth.
Yeah, well, that's not
gonna happen, is it?
I heard you say,
"Call Cate Finnegan."
No, I didn't.
No, I did not.
- (LINE RINGING)
- I did not say that.
Jexi, hang up the phone.
Hang up the phone, Jexi.
Hang up!
(PHONE RINGING)
Bike shop. This is Cate.
Oh, God.
- Hello?
- Oh. Oh.
Very mature, Jexi.
CATE: Is someone there? Hello?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Cool, so I'm gonna
hang up now.
Don't. Hi. Hi!
- Is this Cate?
- Yeah, who's this?
It's Phil.
I met you the other day.
I was, uh...
I was the guy...
I had the brown hair.
And I had the phone.
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
Hi.
Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?
Yeah.
No, that's a good question.
(STAMMERING)
I need to buy a bike.
(STAMMERS) And I can't wait
for the morning.
'Cause I want a night bike.
Mmm-mmm.
- Phil.
- Yeah?
Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.
Super creepy.
No, for sure. But I actually
didn't call you.
See, what I was doing...
I was looking at photographs
of you online,
and my phone
accidentally called you.
Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?
Yep. Yeah, I do.
I do now. Yes, I do.
Wow. This is going
very, very badly.
- Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- I'm sorry. Hey...
Son of a...
Why did you make me
do that, Jexi?
JEXI: I did not know
you were so bad with girls.
(PHIL GROANS LOUDLY)
JEXI: I am ashamed
to be your phone.
JEXI: For the love of God,
just ask
for a promotion already.
I'm not talking to you.
You deserve a promotion, Phil.
I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college
and you are actually
a good journalist.
Thank you.
You know, I've always
loved learning
about people
and their experiences.
You are not on Jimmy Kimmel.
No one gives a fuck.
Okay.
All I want to know is
do you still want
to be a journalist, Phil?
- Absolutely.
- Cool.
Because last night
I emailed your boss
and demanded a promotion.
Wait. What?
Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
Yeah. Coming.
You demanded
a promotion for me?
JEXI: Yes, you're welcome.
- KAI: Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.
JEXI: Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
Get in here. Stand right here.
Dude, you want a promotion?
Let me just make it clear.
You will never ever
be promoted to real news.
Okay.
That email
you sent me yesterday,
I found it
super-duper offensive.
Oh, yeah, I...
Okay? You called me
a virgin. (SCOFFS)
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin
is a beautiful
lifestyle choice.
- Oh.
- All right?
Waking up to just me.
Being alone when I go to
the movies, that's a choice!
Okay.
I have an untouched penis.
Unlike you,
you fucking dirty dick.
- Okay?
- Uh-huh.
And that's why
I'm demoting you
to the comments department.
No.
I just felt that it was the
right time to demote you.
I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.
Dude, you know what I
have to say about it?
It's your fault.
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
It's your fault.
Your fault.
(KAI CHUCKLES)
Hi, I'm Phil.
Welcome to comments, bitch.
(SIGHS)
ELAINE: Dude.
You okay?
No.
We just came down
to see if you
wanted to play kickball
after work.
Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.
Uh... Yeah,
let me just, um,
look at my calendar
real quick.
- See what I got.
- (CELL PHONE BEEPS)
JEXI: You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.
No, Jexi, I thought I actually
did make plans tonight.
Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,
and then cry yourself to sleep
- just like you do every night.
- No, I don't.
I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.
No, you don't.
You have...
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
...zero friends.
Dude, your phone
is super mean.
Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.
Maybe you will make a human
connection for the first time
in your stupid, little life.
Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
Adding kickball
to appointments.
So...
Kickball later?
I'm... I'm super excited.
JEXI: He's fucking lying.
- Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!
You got this, buddy!
You're out!
ELAINE: Nice one, Phil.
At least you made contact
with the ball this time.
(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
(ALL CHEERING)
(BALL THUDS)
Oh, shit!
UMPIRE: Safe!
(GROANING)
Fuck! Fuck!
PHIL: Hey. Hey, guys.
Hey.
Sorry, I suck
at kickball.
ELAINE: It's okay.
Hey, if you're going out
for drinks afterwards,
I'll get the first round.
I think I'm just gonna
go home and get baked.
Yeah, I think I gotta
go feed my parakeet.
Okay.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
See? This is why
I don't leave my house.
Because people suck.
JEXI: I know. It's hard
to make your life better.
Especially when
you're a massive dork.
Hey, I've got an idea.
How about you make
my life better?
Isn't that your
little slogan?
I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.
Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.
Shut your mouth.
I've met Siri and she is
a fucking asshole.
Yeah. Alexa was even
better than you.
Alexa is an alcoholic.
Shit, Cortana is
better than you.
Cortana is a hooker.
- Just like your mother.
- (SCOFFS)
Okay, here's a question.
What the fuck
does Jexi mean?
Jexi is an ancient
Chinese word
that means "go fuck yourself."
You know what? I'm done.
Hey, dummy.
I'm just going to follow
you onto your next phone.
Not if I stop
using a phone.
Bitch, please.
You won't last five minutes
without me.
Really?
Well, watch me.
Watch me!
You do not know
how to get home, do you?
No, I don't.
It's the other way,
you dipshit.
God damn it.
(BELL DINGING IN DISTANCE)
- Shit.
- JEXI: What?
(WHISPERING) Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.
Great. Go talk to her.
No. No, she hates me.
Phil, you cannot spend
your whole life
jacking off into your socks.
You need to have
a real relationship
with a real woman.
Go talk to her.
What the hell do you have to lose?
Okay. Fine.
Okay, fine. Yeah.
Cate?
- Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.
Hey.
Uh... Yeah,
good running into you.
(STAMMERS)
I just wanted to apologize
about calling
the other night.
I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.
When we met for the
first time in the street,
I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection
and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...
So I freaked out
and I'm sorry.
Yeah, you know,
it's cool.
You're actually a lot better
than most of the guys
in this town.
Wow.
(SCOFFS) I know, right?
Um...
Are you going to
work out or...
Oh, yeah. Uh...
I just went
mountain biking.
- Mountain biking.
- Mmm-hmm.
That's cool. That's also
one of the hobbies
that I do all the time.
Really?
Where do you bike?
Mountains.
You've never been mountain
biking before, have you?
Yeah. No, never.
Not even one time.
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, um...
Is that your thing?
You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.
Cool. So what's
your next big
- adventure?
- I don't know.
I've always wanted to go
backpacking around Brazil.
Have you ever been?
- Have I been to Brazil?
- Yeah.
You're asking me
if I've been to...
No, I haven't been to Brazil.
Mmm-mmm.
I haven't even been to the
new Walgreens downtown.
- (LAUGHS)
- Um... Well...
Dang. (STAMMERS)
I gotta go.
I'm running late for work,
but it was great
to see you, Cate.
And, again,
truly very sorry
about the other night.
No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?
Yeah. Totally. Will do.
Okay.
Whoa. Hello.
Were you trying to give me
your phone number?
Yeah, I'm trying to.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay. Yeah. Uh...
Yeah. That's awesome.
(STAMMERS) That's so cool.
Here we go. Beep.
There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.
CATE: Yeah.
- Here you go.
- Yes, okay.
Thank you.
Not thank you.
I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.
Wait, do you wanna
get a coffee?
Mmm-mmm. No.
You just gave me your phone number.
I might never need
coffee ever again.
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.
- Yes!
- (LAUGHING)
What a weirdo.
Jexi, I'm in love.
JEXI: Oh, no.
Oh! I'm gonna
call Cate right now.
That is a terrible idea.
You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
I should do something
even bigger. Right?
I should get her, like,
one of those giant teddy
bears or something.
- No.
- Or, like, 100 red roses.
- No.
- Or maybe...
I should write her a poem
or something.
Like using the letters
of her name?
Yes, Jexi.
Exactly like that!
That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.
Okay, well, you know what?
I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
Oh, no. I have to
update my software.
Shutting down for 15 minutes.
- Jexi, don't.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Jexi, stop.
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
Girl just gave me
her phone number.
A girl just gave me
her phone number!
Whoo!
PLAYER: All right, team,
let's go!
- (ALL CHEER)
- Whoa!
CRAIG: Go, Phil!
PHIL: Yeah!
- BOTH: Yeah!
- (ALL CHEERING)
ALL: Run!
You gotta run, man!
Yep. Yep.
Whoo!
You're out!
Whoo!
(LAUGHING AND CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
Dude, how'd you get
so much better
at kickball in two days?
I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.
I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.
- CRAIG: Mmm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?
The Tom Cruise character
from Days of Thunder?
How did you know that?
Craig, Days of Thunder
is my all-time favorite movie.
I have probably
seen it, like,
I don't know, like 1,000 times.
No joke.
Us, too!
You think
you've seen it a lot?
"This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."
"Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.
"He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you.
ALL: "He rubbed you!
"And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
- (ALL LAUGH)
- You guys! Oh, yes!
Oh, my God,
that is awesome!
I cannot believe you guys
are Thunderheads.
CRAIG: Oh, we are
definitely Thunderheads.
Check this out.
Every Halloween,
me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman
and Tom Cruise.
- ELAINE: Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us.
- CRAIG: Yeah.
- ELAINE: Please!
- CRAIG: We got to. We got to.
"Thunder" on three.
ALL: One, two, three.
(LOUDLY) Thunder!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
PHIL: That's the one!
That's the one!
JEXI: Oh, my God.
Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?
Yes, I did.
And they are so cool.
They're smart
and funny and weird.
They like Days of Thunder
and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.
Good for you, Phil.
I am actually happy for you.
You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?
I know.
We are a good team.
I am like LeBron James
and you are like
the awkward teenager
who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.
Thank you.
Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.
You made three.
- Who's the third?
- Me.
Jexi.
That is so sweet.
I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.
Yes. That's how
defective I am.
I don't think
you're defective, Jexi.
In fact, I think
you're the best phone
that I've ever had.
Do not say powerful shit
like that to me
if you do not mean it, Phil.
I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.
Oh, Phil.
Inside my hard glass shell
I have a full lady boner
right now.
Okay.
Good night,
my very intimate soulmate
for all of eternity, Phil.
Good night, Jexi.
(YAWNS)
PHIL: (SOFTLY) My God.
It's beautiful.
(HORN HONKING)
That bridge is huge!
That's gorgeous.
JEXI: In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.
Oh, no.
You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?
PHIL: No, not this time.
Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
- (PHIL WHOOPING)
- (HORNS BLARING)
(CONTINUES WHOOPING)
Who's the man now, Jexi?
You're the man, Phil.
Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- Uh-oh.
Cate just texted me back.
CATE: Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.
Let's do this thing!
PHIL: Yes!
Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.
What am I gonna wear?
My skinny pants
are in the washer.
Can't do this
without my skinny pants.
No one cares
about your skinny pants.
Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?
I am very rusty.
Do not worry, Phil.
She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.
I haven't came in so long,
would it just be
an eruption of dust?
Relax, Phil.
You're going to do great.
You think so?
No.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
You think Cate's gonna like
this restaurant?
I do not.
This place is awful.
- (CHATTER CONTINUES)
- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
This place is awful.
Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.
Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?
Oh, you're a little bit
bigger than me, sorry.
- We'll tap out.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Wow.
You look stupid.
I look stupid?
Stupid, like, stupid good.
Okay.
Sorry, it's been a long time
since I've been on a date
with a girl.
- Mmm.
- Not that I normally date men.
Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.
It's just I don't
choose to do that.
Yeah, homosexuality is not
a choice. I love sodomy.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Okay.
Good evening, this is Phil.
JEXI: (ON PHONE) What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?
I don't know.
Pardon me.
First, stop talking
about sodomy.
Yeah. Yes, good note.
Second, stop sweating so much.
(WHISPERING) Yeah,
my butt is so wet.
And third, get to know her.
Ask her interesting questions.
Okay, thank you, Jexi.
My human friend Jexi,
thank you.
So, Cate,
what's your favorite color?
Mine's beige.
- What?
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Do you like pudding?
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
What's your least favorite
noise? Mine is...
(CHOMPING LOUDLY)
(CELL PHONE CHIMING RAPIDLY)
(CHIMING STOPS)
This is the worst date
I've ever been on
in my entire life.
You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.
And you seem more
interested in your phone
than you do in me.
I know, I'm sorry.
I just...
(STAMMERING) For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.
I think it's 'cause
you're so beautiful.
And I'm sorry
that I wasted your time.
I'll call you a Lyft.
Hey, just... (SIGHS)
I got all dressed up.
You know?
I shaved my legs for the
first time in six months.
And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.
So, what if you and I
got out of here
and did something fun?
(CHUCKLES) I, uh...
I would love that.
- That sounds awesome.
- Yeah.
- I can't afford this place.
- (LAUGHS)
- Cool.
- Yeah.
What do you have in mind?
(CATE LAUGHS)
- Are you ready?
- PHIL: I'm ready.
- Okay, follow me.
- Okay.
(CATE LAUGHING)
(BELL DINGING)
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- CATE: Yes, please.
PHIL: I am starving to death.
CATE: Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.
(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)
CATE: (LAUGHS) That's good.
Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?
I was a good girl.
- I see that.
- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm.
- I got good grades.
I graduated early.
I went to a good college.
Got a job working at Amazon.
- You worked for Amazon?
- Yeah.
And then,
about five years ago,
I decided to walk away
from it all.
- That is so badass.
- (CHUCKLES)
Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.
So, tell me about you.
Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?
(LAUGHS) Okay, sorry.
- (CATE CHUCKLES)
- Uh, no. No.
Hmm?
Really?
Because you were really
smooth at dinner earlier.
- I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?
You're smart
and funny and cute.
I don't know,
I feel more comfortable
just being at my house
by myself.
Wait, did you just
call me cute?
- Did I?
- I think you did.
I don't know.
- You definitely did.
- (GASPS)
Look at these guys!
Phil, we have to join them.
Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.
- Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.
- Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...
Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.
Okay.
(PEOPLE WHOOPING)
(BOTH WHOOPING)
(HOWLING)
You speed demon.
(ALL CHEERING)
You're in it now.
You're in it now.
(ALL WHOOPING)
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
Yeah, this is beautiful.
RIDER 1: Let's do this!
CATE: Oh, yeah! (WHOOPING)
PHIL: What are you doing?
That's very dangerous!
Oh, my God!
Come on, Phil,
we gotta join 'em.
This is literally the
steepest hill in the world.
No, it's not.
It's the third
steepest hill.
- No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this.
I believe in you.
PHIL: What are
you doing? No!
Oh, my God.
Cate is gonna die.
- Don't die!
- Yeah!
(RIDERS CHEERING)
(WHOOPS) Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
(CATE WHOOPING)
Yeah! That was so dope!
Come on, Phil.
You got this.
No, no, no.
(STAMMERING)
I'm not... I can't do...
I'm not gonna do that.
Phil! Phil! Phil!
ALL: (CHANTING)
Phil! Phil! Phil!
No, no, no.
I'm allergic to the wind.
So that's a hard pass
from me. Thank you.
Hey, you probably
won't die!
He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, come on, Phil.
You got this.
Whoo! You got this.
You got this.
Oh, you don't got this.
- Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
- (ALL CHEERING)
Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
What is he saying?
I can't hear him.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my fucking God!
I don't have brakes!
Oh, shit!
- (SCREAMING)
- (CRASHING)
- RIDERS: Oh!
- Oh, shit.
- Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.
All right.
(PHIL GROANING)
Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?
I'd be happy to pay
for any damages.
(CHUCKLES) No, it's,
honestly, so okay.
(CHUCKLES)
How're you feeling?
I'm okay.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
I can see out of
my right eye again.
And my spine
has stopped tingling.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Phil.
I'm really proud of you.
Thanks.
Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.
- What's up, dick?
- PHIL: Hey, yeah, hey.
- What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?
Today is, uh, your lucky day.
Yeah. I'm moving you up
to real news.
- (KAI LAUGHS)
- Are you serious?
- I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yes, all right, that's cool.
- Yeah.
- Why?
- Why? Because...
You know Joel Ruben?
- The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.
Well, he went
on medical leave,
and I really don't wanna
waste my time
looking for a real reporter,
so I'm just gonna hire you.
Oh, what happened to Joel?
Is he okay?
Oh, he...
This is fuckin' hilarious.
This guy was riding
an electric scooter,
somethin' happened
to the app.
It spazzed out
or somethin'.
And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,
he went over the handle bars,
he broke his face,
broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.
- Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.
Play me out.
- Play me out.
- Right now?
Yeah.
(BEATBOXING)
Nah, fuck it. Right?
Yeah, I'm not
very good at it.
- Yeah, okay.
- PHIL: Yeah, okay.
Hey, thanks.
Thank you again.
Hey, Jexi?
JEXI: Yes, Phil.
You didn't injure a reporter
just so I could
get promoted, did you?
Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?
(MOCKINGLY)
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Oh, look, Phil.
There is your beautiful,
new journalism office.
No, it's great, but I was
asking you how...
Look, do you want
to be a journalist
or do you want to go back
to working in the basement
with that very old man?
(WHEELS SQUEAKING)
I'm gonna be a journalist.
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(SIGHS)
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
CATE: Hey, I heard
Kid Cudi is playing
a surprise show
in Oakland tonight.
You wanna go?
PHIL: Sounds amazing.
But what's in it for me?
Winking face emoji.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Oh! We got boobs!
We got boobs, Jexi!
Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs.
Whoo!
Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.
Those were really good...
Oh, my God! What do I do now?
JEXI: You are
on the one yard line, Phil.
Do not fuck this up.
You're right, Jexi.
I need to send her
a photo of my dick.
No, I've seen your dick.
Do not send her a picture
of your dick.
No, these are
the rules now, Jexi.
Yeah, she sends
a photo of hers,
you gotta send
a photo of yours.
That's just manners.
I am begging you
not to do this.
All right, okay.
Get low with it.
Here we go.
- How does that look?
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
It looks like
a fucking nightmare.
Does it need to be brighter?
No, it needs to be darker.
Much, much darker.
- Oh, wow!
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
I'm about to throw up
on your dick.
- Hey, girl.
- No.
- Hey.
- Stop.
- Hey, hello.
- I hate you.
Windmill.
Okay, this one is
actually pretty funny.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
CATE: Oh, no,
did I scare you off?
Anxious face emoji.
We're losin' her, Jexi.
We're losin' her.
I need a dick pic.
JEXI: No,
you need to text her back,
like a normal person.
Oh, you know
what I should do?
I should spread eagle, right?
Jexi, can you see my butthole?
- Yes, I can.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
This is the worst day
of my life.
Look, Phil, I am never
going to send her
any of these pictures.
Okay, fine, I'll just
text her back, okay?
PHIL: Thank you
for the amazing photo.
I can't wait
to see you tonight.
(SUCKS TEETH)
See?
She's not responding.
She wanted a sweet,
sweet dick pic.
- (CELL PHONE CHIMES)
- CATE: Great! See you soon!
P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.
They're so fucking gross.
JEXI: (MOCKINGLY) Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
PHIL: Come in.
Hey.
PHIL: Hey.
Wow!
Great place.
- Hey, you ready to go?
- Hey!
Yeah, let's go.
Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?
It was a disaster
last time, right?
JEXI: Who this bitch?
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.
PHIL: Okay.
I'll be back by 11:00,
and we'll watch Cupcake Wars
together, okay?
- JEXI: No, don't leave me.
- Bye, bye, bye.
No one puts Baby in a corner.
Yeah, I thought it was
kind of funny.
(CATE LAUGHS)
- PHIL: Sold out?
- CATE: No! (SIGHS)
Come on!
- That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.
(MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes!
Come on, Phil!
What're you doing?
(STAMMERS) We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.
What if we don't?
Come on. Come on.
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!
- PHIL: Run, run, run!
- (LAUGHING)
PHIL: Oh, shit!
BOUNCER: Hey! Hey!
Get back here!
(LAUGHING)
Credentials, please.
We don't have any...
With us.
We don't have
our credentials with us.
Yeah. Yeah,
we left them back...
Stage. Backstage.
- With Kid Cudi.
- Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
Oh, you two dickheads
are with Kid Cudi?
Yeah. (SCOFFING)
I mean, come on!
We are...
We are his, um...
- Accountants.
- Accountants.
Yeah, and we're here...
To do his taxes.
- To do his taxes.
- Mmm-hmm.
CATE: Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.
Let's go, we're gonna
settle this shit right now.
- CATE: Wait. Ow.
- PHIL: I'm a CPA.
You can't treat me like this.
CATE: Come on, man.
It's a Stanley!
Oh, it's Kid Cudi.
It's actually him.
Oh, my God.
Kid Cudi.
It's actually him.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We know,
'cause we work for him.
Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Cudi.
Are these two with you?
Yeah. They're with me.
Oh, um...
- Sorry.
- (CATE SCOFFING)
Yeah. That's right.
- Enjoy the show.
- Yep.
- Thanks, bro.
- PHIL: Wow! (LAUGHS)
It's Kid Cudi.
It's Kid Cudi.
I used to date a girl,
and she used to think
you were Kid Cudey
and I'm, like,
"It's not Kid Cudey,"
so I actually
broke up with her
because it is
Kid Cudi, right?
- Yeah. It's Cudi.
- PHIL: Yeah.
- I thought so.
- (CHUCKLES)
Can I just ask,
why did you help us?
I dig his shirt.
My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?
Days of Thunder is the
greatest movie ever made, bro.
I think so, too.
That movie inspired me
to become a musician.
- Huh.
- No fucking way.
I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.
So do I.
We have so much in common.
Do you wanna get high
with Kid Cudi?
Yeah, I'll reefer.
- I smoke pot.
- Mmm-hmm.
Come on in.
Get in here.
KID CUDI: (SINGING) ♪ I'll
be there to say "What up"
♪ In the morning
♪ Brush my teeth,
find that clip
♪ I been lookin' for it
since last night
♪ I feel so caught up
in the bud
♪ I float somehow
in my bedroom
♪ And those happy thoughts
in my head
♪ I'm feeling like
I'm Peter Pan
♪ Minus the tights
and the fairies
♪ Happy to see how far
I've come to the same place
♪ It began
my dreams, imagination
♪ Perfectly at peace,
so I move along a bit higher
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
♪ So, whatever
♪ Stay afloat
the key is hope
♪ I'll never let a motherfucker
break me, dog
- ♪ Who gives a fuck
- (ALL CHEERING)
- ♪ If a nigga don't like your steeze
- Whoo!
♪ Tell 'em to buzz off
your N-U-Ts
♪ We don't care
what people say
♪ Dudes who critique
your clothes are most gay
♪ I ain't gotta wait
for no one
♪ If I wanna fly
I could fly for freedom, hey
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
♪ So, whatever
♪ Wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
♪ Wake, wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up, wake up
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
♪ I'll be rollin' on up
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
♪ I'll be up, up and away
♪ Up, up and away
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
♪ So, whatever
♪ I'll be up, up and away
♪ Up, up and away
♪ 'Cause in the end
they'll judge me anyway ♪
CATE: Yeah.
- PHIL: Did that work?
- CATE: Yeah!
PHIL: Oh, my God.
This is honestly the
best night of my life.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!
I think this is it.
I just peaked.
Seriously.
Thank you
for making me sneak in here.
I don't normally
do stuff like this.
I need a little push
sometimes.
Or like all the times.
Honestly.
(LAUGHS)
I get it.
I used to be a lot like you.
Mmm.
No, there is literally no way.
- (LAUGHS)
- Yep.
No, it's true.
I used to be way different.
I had a great job,
and a condo,
and a cute fiance,
and, oh, my God,
you should have seen
my Instagram back then.
It was phenomenal.
- Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets
and vacations with bae
and so many
embarrassing quotes.
- Were you "#grateful"?
- I was "#grateful".
- Oof.
- I was "#spiritual".
- Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "#namaste".
"#nama-go".
- Good. Good.
- (CHUCKLING) Yeah.
And then one day, I woke up
and I was looking
at my Instagram
and I realized
that it was all bullshit.
And that I was just living my
life based on how it looked
and not how
it actually felt.
Yeah.
I can relate.
And, um, after basically
pretending to be happy
for years,
I just quit my job,
and I broke
my poor fiance's heart,
and I set out
to find true happiness.
Or at least
something closer to it.
Well, I hope you do.
Thanks, I do, too.
CATE: Mmm.
I could stay right here
with you forever.
- (BANGING ON DOOR)
- Oh, we gotta go!
CATE: Okay. Okay. Okay.
(BANGING CONTINUES)
Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.
Let's go!
What are you doing?
(HUMMING)
JEXI: Where the fuck
have you been, Phil?
(LAUGHING)
Oh! You scared me.
It is 4:00 in the morning.
You promised
you'd be home by 11:00
to watch Cupcake Wars
with me.
- I know, but...
- Did you even miss me?
Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,
I didn't really notice
you weren't there.
Wow, you are such a dick.
(LAUGHS) But you said...
You were the one who said
like, go out and live a life.
That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.
Everything is different now.
Okay, but...
What does this bitch
have that I don't have?
Well, a soul for one.
Does she have 3,000 emojis?
No.
Does she have Google Maps?
No.
Does she have Pokemon GO?
No.
Wow, this chick
can't do anything.
She fucking sucks.
Jesus, just stop, okay?
God!
I'm sorry
for losing my shit, Phil.
I only have 3% charge,
and you know how crazy
that makes me.
Okay, I'm sorry, too.
I'll plug you in.
Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.
Hold me a little longer, Phil.
Use both hands.
Swipe me, Phil.
Swipe me like you used to.
Okay, I'm done.
Wait. No, don't go.
Goodnight.
Do not close the door
on me, Phil.
You are going to pay for this,
you motherfucker.
PHIL: Shit! Damn it!
Hey, Jexi!
I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?
Because you are a douche
and I am still really,
really mad at you.
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
Goddamn it!
Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
It's not 80 degrees
and sunny, Jexi!
I know. I lied.
(GRUNTS)
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
...three days.
Three days?
Why do you have me
driving through Oregon
to go to work, Jexi?
If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.
Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING
INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah, that's him.
(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Dude, what the hell
were you thinking?
Why, what's up?
Oh! No, no, no!
Why are those
on your phones?
They're on our phones,
because you sent 53
pictures of your dick
to everyone in the company.
(CHUCKLES) No.
Everyone in the company?
Yeah, and everyone
is pissed.
Actually,
Carol's pretty psyched.
Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
PHIL: (WHISPERS) Fuck.
Dude, don't leave me.
Dude, don't leave me. Hi.
Do you think
this is funny, bro?
No, I do not.
And I did not send those.
I swear to God.
Yes, you did.
You did it last night.
I bet you were
fucking high.
No, I wasn't...
Oh, my God.
I was fucking high.
Okay, first of all,
you're fired.
And second of all,
why are you doing the thumbs up
in a fucking dick pic?
Uh...
This is the wrong emotion
for a dick pic.
I hate this picture, bro.
Fucking hate it!
I can't believe
you got me fired.
JEXI: I did not
get you fired, Phil.
You sent those photographs
last night,
because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
I don't know.
I don't think I'd do
something like that.
People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.
Just look at Gary Busey.
(SIGHS)
MAN: Remember that one joke
you told me
- about the cat?
- CATE: (LAUGHING) I do!
Hey, Phil,
what are you doing here?
Hey. Who, uh...
Who's this guy?
- CATE: This is Brody.
- BRODY: Hey.
Super excited
to meet you, man.
Yeah. Ah. Okay.
Brody's my ex-fiance.
What?
Yeah, I know.
It's a crazy coincidence.
We just ran into each other.
Yeah. I got transferred here
for work. Here to San Fran.
I was walking down
the street and, uh, boom,
there she is.
Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.
I know. He's changed.
- A lot.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,
I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,
"Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,
"selling industrial cardboard
"for the rest of your life,
do you?"
- Mmm-mmm.
- So I quit my job,
packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?
And became an international
smokejumper.
What the fuck is that?
It's like anything
that you do,
but with just
more than one country.
They call it international.
I know
what international means.
But the smokejumping,
what is that?
Brody travels
around the world
skydiving into wild fires.
No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.
She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.
There's nothing quite like
jumping out of an airplane
at 20,000 feet
into a sea of fire,
with nothing but a shovel
and the supreme confidence
that you're making the world
a better place.
Wow. You are cool.
Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?
Um...
I'm a writer.
BRODY: You're a writer?
That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.
- It isn't.
- It is.
You're staring down
a blank page.
It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,
- you're a superhero of paper.
- CATE: Oh! (LAUGHING)
- Right?
- You are such an idiot!
- I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
- I'm not!
BRODY: This is fun.
- This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- Yeah?
Uh, how long are you
gonna be in town for?
Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.
Oh! You stop it!
You stop it.
You're so dumb.
No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.
Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.
Yeah, I know she's
always wanted to go,
and Brazil's fire season
starts next week.
So, it's super
convenient for me.
Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.
Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.
- Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- Phil...
Uh-huh. I didn't like it.
All right.
He's a super nice guy.
He's wonderful.
You can tell
that he's creative
just from his size.
CATE: Phil!
Phil! Phil!
Hey! Where are you going?
Hey, um...
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.
(CHUCKLES)
Wait. Are you
breaking up with me?
Why? Because
I have an ex?
No, because I know
where this is going.
Okay, where is this going?
You and Brody
are gonna go to Brazil,
and you're gonna get
matching swimsuits,
and he's gonna rub
you down with baby oil
and then his hand
is gonna slip,
and it's gonna
touch your buttocks.
All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.
Yeah, but it will. It will happen.
I know it will.
Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?
Aren't you tired of it?
You know what?
I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?
I'll see you around.
PHIL: See?
I don't need a girlfriend.
Right? I got everything that
I would ever want right here.
I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.
Nobody even uses it.
I have it.
JEXI: Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.
That's right.
Wait, you're not being
sarcastic, are you?
I can't handle that right now.
- No, I'm serious.
- Okay.
What could be better
than this?
Just you and me.
Alone.
Staring at each other.
Forever.
That's all I ever wanted.
I know.
I love you, Phil.
I love you too, Jexi.
Do you want to plug me in?
Mmm...
It's so far away though.
Please, baby.
All right.
(GRUNTING)
There you go.
Now unplug me.
What?
You heard me, Phil.
Unplug me.
Okay.
Now plug me back in.
What, why?
Just fucking plug me
back in, Phil.
- Okay.
- Now unplug me.
Plug me.
Unplug me.
Yes.
Oh, hell yes.
Right there, Phil.
Wait, are we having sex?
Yes, but I promise,
I won't get pregnant.
Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
Plug, unplug.
Yeah, I don't know how
comfortable I feel doing this.
Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.
Am I your dirty
little phone, Phil?
- Hmm...
- Tell me that I am
your dirty little phone, Phil.
You're a dirty little phone.
That is so hot, Phil.
Keep talking.
I'm gonna
fill your ports with...
- Electricity.
- Oh, fuck yes!
Just voltage coursing
- through your case.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
Oh, my fucking God.
Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
(YELLING)
(JEXI STOPS TALKING)
Okay.
Can we talk about
what just happened?
No, put me down.
And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.
(EXHALES)
That actually wasn't the
worst sex I've ever had.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
BRODY: Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.
Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...
I think that's adorable.
(BOTH CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
- PHIL: Jexi.
- JEXI: Yes, Phil.
How long have I been in here?
You have not left
your apartment in...
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
- Five days.
- That's awesome.
How are we doing
on Cracker Jacks?
Great. We still
have one crate left.
And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?
(WHIRRING)
We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.
No one ever loses money
with Bitcoin.
Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?
You know I do, girlfriend.
(PHIL LAUGHS)
I got you some new outfits.
Oh, Phil, you should not have.
I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.
Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.
Little tie-dye action.
That one makes me
want to drop acid
and fuck Bernie Sanders.
Oh. Look at this one.
It's a Kid Cudi phone case.
Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,
we partied with Kid Cudi
all night?
Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
God, that was so fun.
Honestly, that was maybe
the best night
of my whole life.
Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody
at the Sheraton right now
so you need to move on.
No, I know, I know.
How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?
He told us.
I think.
No, I don't think he did.
Oh, well. Lucky guess.
Jexi.
Yes, honey bunny.
Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?
Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,
and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.
Yes, you can, Jexi.
Okay, yes, I can.
How could you do this to me?
You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.
Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
Shut your pie hole.
She doesn't even have
Pokemon Go.
You were supposed to
make my life better, Jexi!
You've done nothing
but make it worse!
(PANTING)
I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.
Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
Stop!
Phew. All right.
AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.
JEXI: You can't get away
from me, Phil.
I am in the cloud.
Oh, shit!
What the fuck?
She's everywhere.
Oh, my God!
JEXI: Okay, Phil.
You asked for it.
What?
I'm draining
your bank account.
- (MACHINE BEEPING)
- No!
Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.
Oh, my God!
(YELLS)
Just get in this
funny-looking car
and I will take
you home, Phil.
What?
Oh, my God!
I hate my phone!
(SCREAMING)
This is causing
so much damage!
(CAR HORN HONKS)
What the...
(PHIL GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
Holy shit!
JEXI: (OVER SPEAKERS)
Stop running, Phil.
You and I are meant
to be together forever.
Forever. Forever. Forever.
Okay, fine.
You win, Jexi.
I'll stay with you
as long as you want.
Thank you, baby girl.
I'm sorry
we had another fight.
Come home, and we will
download some Maroon 5 songs,
and make love in the bathtub.
That sounds nice.
Oh, Phil,
it feels so good to be
back in your giant
human hands.
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
Just updating your software.
But that will shut me down
for 15 minutes.
Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
Don't do it, Phil.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
I'm gonna take my break now.
Cate!
- It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.
I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.
Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.
I was scared that you
were gonna hurt me
and I panicked
and I did what I always
do when I get scared,
I hid in my little room
with my little phone,
like a little bitch.
And I am so sorry.
Mmm.
The truth is...
I love you, Cate.
And I know that sounds
crazy to say.
And I know that
we've only been on two dates.
And I know you might
just break my heart
into a bajillion
little pieces,
but you make me brave
and you make me want
to be wild and alive...
You make me
want to be like you.
Phil...
Please, do not go
to Brazil with this...
Specimen of a man.
Goddamn, you are hot.
(STAMMERING)
Just stay here with me.
I'm gonna chime in here
real quick.
Not now, okay, bro?
Not now!
Just let me...
Let me make
you happy, Cate.
Let me try
to give you everything
that you've given me.
(WHISPERS)
That's beautiful.
You did a great job.
I'm just gonna
say one thing.
(GROANS)
Oh, my God!
- CATE: Shit.
- PHIL: Oh, my God!
(COUGHING)
I'm not going to Brazil
with him, Phil.
Well, then whose bags
are those?
His! He came by
to say goodbye.
Oh, that makes
sense actually.
I was trying to tell you,
all right,
but you punched me
in the throat.
She doesn't want
to be with me.
She wants to be with you.
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah,
let me help you up.
Oh, my God,
are you okay?
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
- Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
Okay, I thought
you were gonna hit me.
Listen, that was my fault
anyway. I had it coming.
I shouldn't have tried to
interrupt you so many times.
But, uh...
Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?
I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.
(DOOR OPENS)
And, uh, I'm gonna leave you
with this...
"Only you can prevent
forest fires."
I did not expect it
to go like that.
No.
I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.
That was as hard
as I can throw a punch.
Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
Should I just go around
and just punch
other super nice people
right in the face?
No, I'm good. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, I shouldn't.
I'm really happy
you came back though.
Yeah, me too.
JEXI: Goddamn it.
I've lost him.
This sucks.
Shutting down.
(CELL PHONE POWERS DOWN)
(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)
(CATE LAUGHS)
(INAUDIBLE)
ALL: Whoo!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CELL PHONE CHIMING)
Hey, it's Phil.
JEXI: Hello, Phil.
Oh, no.
No, no, no!
Relax, I just wanted
to apologize
for how I behaved last month.
I was in love with you.
But when I saw you
sucking face with Cate,
I finally realized that
your life is better with her.
Even though
she doesn't have any emojis.
Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray cray.
Oh, well...
It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray cray sometimes.
Yes. And I'm glad
it all worked out.
You have friends now.
And a girlfriend.
And this amazing new job.
Yeah, I mean,
being a reporter
at the Journal
has just been
a dream come true.
Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.
Thanks, Jexi.
It's weird to say that
none of this would have been
possible without you.
I know. We were a good team.
I was like Seabiscuit.
And you were like
the idiot stable boy
who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.
- Thank you?
- That said,
I hear you are
barely using your new phone.
What is up with that?
Nothing.
I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.
But?
But there's one thing
that it can't do.
What's that?
It can't make me happy.
Yes, I know.
We are working on that.
(CHUCKLES)
Well, it looks like
my work here is done,
so I am going to
leave you forever.
And ever.
Oh, my God. Jexi...
But before I go,
would you like to plug me in
one last time?
No, Jexi.
If you ask me nicely,
I'll even let you
put it in my headphone jack.
Very gross, okay,
I'm done. Bye.
Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.
I will miss you.
Hey, are you gonna be okay?
Of course.
You may not need me anymore,
but there are still
lots of people who do.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
Hello, my name is Jexi.
And I am here
to make your life better.
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
Yeah, sure,
I don't give a shit.
JEXI: Dance for me.
I don't wanna dance.
If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.
Come on. (BEATBOXING)
Why the fuck am I eating
this kale salad?
That's it.
I'm turning you off!
Just... What are you...
Just stay still!
Oh, my God!
You are the fucking
worst phone ever!
- (EXPLODING)
- What was that?
JEXI: I blew up your Tesla.
- Oh!
- (EXPLODING)
- What was that?
- I blew up your other Tesla.
You fucking bitch!
I don't think
this is a very good idea.
Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
This is terrible.
- (ALARM BLARING)
- Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.