Jesus vender tilbage (1992) - full transcript
Jesus returns to Earth, gets involved in a terrorist group, but keeps his integrity.
(engaging dramatic music)
I am the voice of one
crying in the wilderness.
Today is the Day of Judgment.
There was never a time like this
in all the history of humanity.
We are ending in a heap of
junk, dying in our own shit.
The ax is already
at the root of the tree.
So take you heed be careful,
the world is in danger.
A great ball of fire
is consuming the air.
You'll hear of wars and
of suffering and of death,
and hail will come down
mingled with fire and blood,
and smite all the living
plants and animals
in the fields, on the
seas, smoke and dust
shall be the lice of man and beast.
The stars will disappear and
nothing more shall be left.
And on the ground
mankind walking will die,
screaming in agony and pain.
The world will be
divided by mighty screws
and nations will fall and disappear,
and the land will stink,
stink, stink, stink.
The air will smell and the
ground will become corrupt
and the waters will smite
the world with plagues.
Oh you generation of
serpents, vipers, and swine.
How can you escape
the damnation of hell?
The wrath is on its way.
The end is near.
Whereas troubles becomes too many,
as doomsday approaches
with the end of all time,
the Lord God in his
wisdom will rise again
to rescue mankind, yes hear me now.
He will send back the one
to save us from destruction.
His one and only son, Jesus.
Jesus is coming.
Jesus will return again.
Jesus is here.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus!
(light whimsical music)
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Is better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Smells better than paradise ♪
♪ I say Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Smells better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris is
better than paradise ♪
♪ You wanna have some fun ♪
♪ Go down to Paris ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Smells better than paradise ♪
♪ You got to go down to Paris ♪
♪ You're gonna find
everything is real nice ♪
♪ It's uptight ♪
♪ And you wanna have some fun ♪
♪ Looking at the girls ♪
♪ Walking the streets ♪
♪ And smiling and laughing ♪
♪ And clapping and shaking
hands with everybody you meet ♪
♪ Go down in Paris ♪
♪ Paris, Paris is always nice ♪
♪ It looks better ♪
♪ It feels better ♪
♪ It is better ♪
♪ It looks better all the time ♪
♪ In Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Is better than paradise ♪
♪ I said Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Daddy sure did treat you nice ♪
(humming)
♪ You know I feel it low
down with these blues ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris has got
all the blues you can use ♪
♪ Yeah Yeah ♪
Get out, get out, out, get out!
Come on, come on.
Down the stairs.
(gunfire)
Kill him, get the motherfucker, get him.
[Terrorist] I'll kill
ya, you fucking diplomat.
[Terrorist] Shoot him.
(gunfire)
(screaming)
(fighting and thudding)
You faggot diplomat, you're dead meat.
[Diplomat] I'm not dead yet.
[Terrorist] Fuck-face.
All right, now you're gonna get it.
(gunfire)
(screaming)
(punching)
Are you ready then, you shit.
Go on, go on.
[Terrorist] Get up, come on, move.
[Terrorist] Marianne, get
down and get the guy you like.
We need one more.
All right out of the house.
Get out, out of the house.
God damnit, get up on
your feet, into the van.
Hurry, hurry, move it.
Move it, hurry!
[Diplomat] Wait a
minute, ...
[Terrorist] Shit,
we're running out of time.
Come on move, move.
Don't kill the woman.
[Marianne] Do you wanna go with him
or do you wanna follow me?
(screaming and yelling)
Come on Marianne, you got him.
Grab his fucking neck and let's go.
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ It looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ It looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Is better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
(screaming and yelling)
Move, move!
(gunfire)
Don't get in our way or
we'll fucking kill you.
Don't move.
I warn you.
(gunfire)
Stand out of our way
or we will shoot you.
(announcement in French)
(gunfire)
[Announcer] Stay calm and do not worry.
(gunfire)
(screaming)
Follow orders.
(gunfire)
[Terrorist] We kill you motherfuckers,
we kill you.
We kill you, we kill you.
(rapid gunfire)
(screaming and yelling)
(rapid gunfire)
Come on, go, go.
[Terrorist] Let's go move it, move it.
(rapid gunfire)
[Announcer] Stay calm.
X-Ray Lima, this is Orly
ground control, do you read me?
They seem...
They seem to want you.
Jorge, you take off
now, as fast as you can.
As fast as you can.
(announcements in French)
Hurry!
Everybody to the back,
everybody close it.
Get moving, come one,
move it, move it, move it!
Here's your fucking immunity.
Get up now, come on.
Now fly.
(engine hums)
Move, move.
Wish them welcome on board.
Tell 'em to follow orders.
Ladies and gentlemen, we would like
to welcome you on board on this...
Calm them down.
Tell 'em to follow orders.
You must obey orders.
There's absolutely no danger if you keep
completely quiet and if you obey orders.
(engine roars)
Take us to South America, Colombia.
It's too far.
Don't kid me.
How far can you go?
Come on!
Baghdad?
Liberia?
Impossible, impossible.
Libya?
Tripoli International Airport,
now that sounds possible.
All right you go south.
Take us to Libya.
In a short while a
drink will be served.
Give it to me.
Now you'll get all the drinks you want,
whatever you want, and
as much as you want.
Let me spell out for you.
You've been hijacked and
I'm very, very sorry,
but we'll have to kill you
if you don't obey orders.
Drag out some food and
drink for them, the best.
It may be the last they get.
Do you think they will kill us,
these wild and evil people?
I think we shall surely
go to Hell, Father.
To Hell, that's not so bad.
You know I have my return
tickets, what about you General?
I've been to Hell, Father.
Huh?
This one is Vietnam, wounded in action,
World War II, what about you?
Have you been to paradise, Father?
No, never, never, but
I have been to Paris.
You know, paradise is up
there and we're going down.
Don't worry, I will
find a way to beat them.
Praise, blessed.
(coughing)
(gleeful commotion)
No thank you, whiskey.
X-Ray Lima, Orly Ground Control.
Orly Ground Control to X-ray Lima.
We have set up a safe
landing procedure for you.
You will proceed to
Avalone Airport, Italy.
All precautions are being taken
so there will be no danger.
All signs of the airport will
read Tripoli International.
Roger, I read you.
(relaxing lounge music)
Whiskey.
Thank you and that big one
over there, for both of us.
Thank you.
(whistles)
There's something I have to ask you.
Where are you from?
Bethlehem.
Bethlehem?
I'm from Bethlehem.
Where in Bethlehem?
Well not in a very specific place.
I was born in a stable.
You know, we were very
poor, just a stable.
[Marianne] We were very poor too.
Why are you looking at me that way?
Come, ...
... come, move.
(relaxing lounge music)
(Spanish guitar plays)
(humming)
(humming intensifies)
(humming continues to intensify)
(musical pace hastens)
You make me with him.
X-ray Lima, this is Yu
Hadair, do you read me?
Roger, I read you five.
Does anybody else say, "Read me."
I don't know negative.
We have new instructions
for you to land,
at the Vosges Airport from
the north runway, 1-8.
No police will be seen.
(passengers cajole and party)
All precautions have now been
taken for a safe landing.
The situation can be very dangerous.
The airport is very
heavily guarded by police
and military with full firepower.
All visual identification
has been removed.
All signs now read
Tripoli Airport, Tripoli.
(people cajoling and partying)
[Pilot] Roger, we're native.
[General] You can still
see the bottom, Father.
Just keep your hands
steady, you're at ease.
(engine roars)
(relaxing lounge music)
(Jesus pants)
One more.
One more kiss before dying?
(door slams)
[Ground Control] X-Ray
Lima, Tripoli Ground Control.
Tripoli Ground Control,
this is X-Ray Lima.
Tripoli Control to X-Ray
Lima, prepare for in-flight.
[Pilot] Roger, I read
you five, thank you.
(soothing lounge music)
(bottle smashes)
Freeze, if you move I'll
blow your fucking head off.
Oh yeah, you wanna
play Russian roulette.
Go ahead.
I think you lose, General.
Holy shit.
Okay, move, get down.
Get down, get down, you fucks.
This does not look like Tripoli.
So, read the signs, what do you read?
You think it's Disneyland?
(engine roars)
Dirty swine, they will
never leave us alone.
God dang them,
and you have, got kielbasa.
(slurring)
What would you do if Jesus
came back here, right now?
Jesus can already come
back, just like that.
30 terrorists and thieves
up in the blue air.
Just like, that, no.
No, no, no, come on, I'm Jesus Christ.
I'm here, I'm back, I'm Jesus.
Jesus?
I'm Napoleon Bonaparte.
And you are a blasphemous,
aren't you ashamed of yourself,
aren't you, you blaspheminist?
The day I see Jesus.
All clear to land on runway 1-8.
Roger, X-Ray Lima cleared to land.
X-Ray Lima landing now on runway 1-8.
X-Ray Lima, Tripoli Ground Control,
we wish you a safe landing.
(bustling and commotion)
All workers and officials must clear
runway and move, immediately.
All forces must be ready for action.
The aircraft will be
landing in a few minutes.
The situation is very...
(engine roars)
All workers and officials must clear
their runway posts immediately.
All forces must be ready for action.
The aircraft will be
landing in a few minutes.
The situation is very dangerous.
All workers and officials must clear
their runway posts immediately.
All forces must be ready for action.
Follow the car.
X-Ray Lima, roger,
Abraham West, remote area.
I repeat, X-Ray Lima, roger,
Abraham West, remote area.
(plane beeps)
(joyous yelling)
Thanks for a wonderfullest trip.
It was most wonderful thing
I ever had in my whole life.
[Terrorist] Out, go, go on.
Come on, move, move, move, go, go!
(speaking in foreign language)
Welcome to Libya, brothers.
Run, get outta here!
(intense rapid gunfire)
Hurry, move, move.
(intense gunfire continues)
Move.
(tires squeal)
(vehicles hum)
(horn honks)
(tires squeal)
(engaging action music)
(gunshots fire)
(engaging action music)
(tires squeal)
(vehicle slams)
(vehicles crash)
(tires squeal)
(rapid gunfire)
(alarm blares)
(engaging action music)
(vehicles hum)
Get out of there, move, move.
Let's get over here, move it, move it.
Move it, move it.
Get this God damn thing open.
Get it open.
[Soldier] Pull, pull, pull it!
Let's get this whole thing open.
Get ready to shoot over there.
Move it, move it, move.
Ready, fire.
(rapid intense gunfire)
Fire again!
(rapid intense gunfire)
Cease fire!
Use the bazooka.
Get back.
No there's an expensive
aircraft in there.
Hold your fire.
Use a hand grenade.
Get back.
Get the fuck back!
Hmm.
Use another hand grenade then.
Okay.
(gunfire)
Get away, run, run!
(grenade explodes)
(ammunition jangles)
Answer me, you were
in on the plot, hmm?
(hand slaps)
You were in on the plot, weren't you?
Answer me, you're the leader, no?
You say that, I'm not.
He is the leader.
He must admit it.
He claims to be Jesus too, ask him.
What your name then, hmm?
I say to you I am Jesus Christ.
I was born in Bethlehem
and I came here for...
Jesus, a blasphemist, that's
what he is, a blasphemist.
He was in on the plot, that's certain.
He was with them all the time.
And he claimed to be Jesus, too,
and that is very, very dangerous.
Put him in jail, hang him.
Kill him, just like that.
What's your name and
where you coming from?
What's your name and
where do you coming from?
Even if it scares
you, my name is Jesus.
And I came from my father.
Oh Jesus, don't believe him.
Hang him.
Take the evil by its root.
Kill him!
If I'm guilty, who is innocent?
All the people you killed,
they were human beings,
but you people, you have
such stone-cold hearts.
That's what you have.
Put him in prison!
(spitting)
(screaming in foreign language)
(bluesy rock music)
(sensationalist news music)
Good evening.
The grim leader and chief conspirator
behind the bloody hostage taking
and hijacking of a
South American airplane
the day before yesterday,
has now been transferred
to the home country of the airline.
The President, Aldi Gomez y
Vargas, has already issued
a statement that the criminal
is sure to be condemned
to death and executed
as soon as possible.
We are able to bring a
report from the landing site
in South America, two hours ago.
(protestors chant)
The fact that such
a dangerous criminal,
claims to be our savior, Jesus Christ,
has awakened worldwide protests.
Demands for his
execution have been raised
by Muslims, and also of course,
Christian societies all over the world.
This morning, at 4
a.m., exactly two hours
after landing, he was sentenced to death.
Will the defendant rise?
Will the defendant rise?
Although you still hide your identity.
[Jesus] My name is Jesus!
Silence!
Although you still hide your identity,
and although we do not
know your name or descent,
you are condemned to death by hanging.
The execution will be carried
out one week from today.
Wake up.
(Latin guitar music)
Do you want a cigarette?
Do you want a cigarette?
May I come in?
May I come in?
I've come here to help you.
I've come here to help you
prepare to meet your Lord.
I just came from him.
Don't joke, death is no joke.
This is serious.
What you must go through is no joke.
When our Lord died on
the cross even he said,
"My God, my God, why did you leave me?"
He did not die, and the words were:
"You should be careful
with those priests,
you know, those with
the long black robes.
They look like sheep outside but inside
sometimes they're
wild, devouring wolves."
(Jesus laughs maniacally)
I've come here to pray with you.
Pray, you can only pray alone.
Go to your room, lock the door,
ask for food, forgiveness, friendship.
You know that very well, don't you?
I've come here to
help you, not to argue.
Who do you think you are
to talk to me like this?
My name is Jesus.
Oh Christ, you shouldn't
continue this way.
And if you continue this
way I won't come back.
You didn't come here to correct me.
You are the criminal not me,
so it is you who will take
the consequences, not me.
Oh, he's impossible.
He's really evil.
Don't call me gain.
One of the most harmful I've ever met.
You don't call me again.
He says he's Jesus
You want some coffee, priest?
Yeah, thank you.
Strange coincidence.
That's strange, he looks like Jesus.
Look, look don't you see?
Don't you see?
Oh it's a miracle.
Oh, hallelujah, he said
all the time he was Jesus.
Oh, what an idiot I am.
Oh look, he goes back again.
Look, look.
He's back, oh Jesus,
he's back, he's back.
He's back, oh he's back he's back.
Oh Jesus, he's back, he's back.
You fool, are you sure
the door was locked?
He's back, oh Jesus,
Jesus is back again.
Oh Lord, holy Lord, is it really you?
Oh forgive me, forgive me,
back after so many years.
Oh Lord, I'm your servant,
your humble servant, oh Lord.
I can really see...
Get up, cool it.
Oh Lord, what can I do, oh Lord.
Pull yourself together.
Don't act like that.
Don't be silly, man, stand up.
Listen to me, I want to get
out of here, please help me.
Go, go, go.
Yes Lord, yes Lord, Jesus, it's Jesus.
(Latin guitar music)
Hello, hello, Rome, the
Vatican, give me the Pope.
Yes hurry, it's urgent, yeah.
Just a moment.
(stammers)
(phone rings)
What?
Is Jesus back?
(speaks Latin)
Impossible he doesn't come back.
You want to see him, yeah, yeah,
but he's here, he's
right here, oh yes, yes.
Swear?
No, impossible.
His holiness is in deep prayer.
It is the hour of his reclusion
and today he's praying
for the poor in the world.
What?
What the hell?
I shall try to reach the Pope.
(bell rings)
It's terribly important.
What is it?
Come along, advance.
Father Leon has called
from a South American prison.
Listen now, listen.
Oh my sweet little...
Listen to me, I don't how I can say it.
He says, he maintains, Jesus is back.
What, are you sure?
No, no, impossible.
Take him out to be so superstitious.
Richie, my sweet darling,
my darling lovey-dovey,
when you will you ever learn?
There's been a miracle, a miracle.
Very well, give it to me.
Yes.
Jesus is back, yes.
Yes, he's really, yes sure, yes.
Your holiness, he is back,
oh yes, he's back, he's back.
Yes, I have heard.
What, are you saying that Jesus Christ
been condemned to death again?
Just like last time?
Holy shit.
Hello, we shall look into
the matter immediately,
in fact we shall send a committee.
Yes, we shall send a committee.
(jangly South American music)
The Church has no procedure
for proving that someone is Jesus,
therefore we must have a clear sign.
There's a hole in his hand.
[Cardinal] Sir, he must be a holy man.
Is it new?
Oh yes, it's new.
Are you sure that this
hole wasn't there before?
There was no hole, I swear.
(Latin guitar music)
Master, master, master, master.
(Cardinal passes wind)
Oh master, oh master, master, master.
Oh master, master.
(Cardinal passes wind)
Is it you?
Answer us in the name
of the Lord, answer us.
Answer me, are you forgiven
or are you Jesus Christ?
Answer us?
Are you the one and only Son of our God?
Or are you the devil?
I'm not the devil, I'm Jesus, it's me.
I'm back, I'm here.
Please, put those things down.
Don't be foolish friends.
It's me.
Why are you celebrating?
I'm in the same shit as last time.
In prison, condemned to
death, like last time,
and once more I have to see priests
doing strange things
around me, like last time.
But now, look at me, friends.
(Latin guitar music)
(clergy exclaim in raptures)
(Latin guitar music)
Signori Cardinali, there is very, very
serious matter before us today.
I've invited you all
to discuss a problem,
which in its content is very dangerous.
It is in fact, the most
serious threat ever
to the Holy Roman Church in
our many years of history.
Can any of you guess what it is?
That I am talking about, anybody?
In fact, it's tragic, terrible.
Are you ready?
Jesus Christ has returned.
(clergy laugh)
You don't believe me?
Jesus Christ has come back to Earth.
I swear to you, it's true.
Where is he?
In prison, of all things,
he's condemned to death.
[Cardinal] Like last time?
Yes, and actually,
that is a good thing.
Because of this he must
make a deal with us.
What, you can't
make a deal with Christ.
Jesus is not a supermarket.
He is condemned to death.
He has no choice but
to make a deal with us.
Let us put the question this way,
he could be very dangerous out there.
He could spoil the whole business
and we could go bankrupt.
(religious music)
I've been thinking about
this over and over again
since I saw him, why not
let him stay in jail?
Let him get killed.
Chop chop!
And nobody will ever hear about it.
Better to have him killed.
Last time it was the right thing to do.
But if we do that, if
we let him get killed,
then there could be a new Christianity,
and we could have stiff competition.
Then, we cannot kill him,
but we must control him.
One Christianity is enough.
Do you have any proof
that he really is Jesus?
Yes.
He works wonders, we have seen them.
He makes miracles.
He has a hole in each palm.
He shines like a sun.
It's him, it's him, it's him!
Truly, Gezemel?
This is not the first
time that they got people
out of prison, they got
Jean Genet, Theodorakis,
Solschenizyn, Sartre, Nixon,
Mandela, and have a lot,
then we can get Jesus out.
We get the special permission
from the President.
We give him a blanket
absolution for a few years.
Normally, that solves everything.
[POPE] Signori Cardinali,
Jesus must be our man.
We must have the copyright of him.
There can be no doubt about that.
Either, here it is, to make a deal
with us or we let him die.
We are after all the
Christian Church on Earth.
He must be presented to the world
in the church at St.
Pietro, with me at his side.
Or else he dies, but of
course I'm sure that he will
be reasonable, in fact,
I'm sure he will be glad
to let us make all the
arrangements for him.
We will make them properly.
We cannot of course,
technically lock him up
in a prison, but we
have a very fine place
where we can guard him for safety,
a sort of luxury guesthouse for royalty.
It is called the Palazzo Santo Spirito.
(playful music)
Let him through.
He's coming, he's coming.
Respect for the Lord, Daniel, Giorgio.
[Nun] Didn't you hear you silly brat?
Jesus is coming.
Bastard.
(faces slap)
(playful carnivalesque music)
He's coming, he's on the stairs.
Not here you fool, not here.
It's mine, Jesus has no luggage.
Get it out, out!
Oh fuck it.
(playful carnivalesque music)
That's another prison.
No, no, it's a lift, to take you up.
Shit.
(praying)
(playful carniavlesque music)
What's all this?
We wish to welcome you, Lord.
Just a welcome.
(Jesus coughs)
And what's the stink here?
It's incense, my Lord.
We use it all the time.
(playful carnivalesque music)
Who is that?
It's a picture of you, my Lord.
Stand up.
(jubilant music and praying)
And what's this?
[Cardinal] It's
another shot of you lord.
[Jesus] And what's this?
[Cardinal] It's St. Peter's.
The biggest and greatest
church in all Christianity.
[Jesus] Then what's
that white stuff inside?
[Cardinal] That's snow.
[Jesus] What is snow?
(playful music)
No.
(people clamor)
(imitates violin)
(birds chirp)
[Cardinal] Stay here, stay here.
(birds chirp)
You look like friends.
We have a party up there.
You can be my guests.
Yes, come on.
(church bells ring)
Come on, friends.
Don't worry.
Just a moment.
He runs in and out
of doors all the time.
We can't control him,
no one can control him.
We must control him, no matter what.
We must have more security.
Security?
You'll get more, that's my specialty.
Oh, thank God.
(playful music)
Whiskey or champagne?
Whiskey.
Champagne.
Give the two gentlemen a glass
of whiskey and a glass of champagne.
Brut.
Brut.
(playful music)
What would you like to hear?
Whiskey with some music.
Johnny can.
Would you like to stay here with me?
Would you?
Yes.
Of course.
But why are you doing all this for us?
Yes?
For the sake of fun.
The world was created for fun.
Can you see any other reasons?
No.
(boys clamor)
(electric guitar plays)
(claps)
♪ Locked up in a palace ♪
♪ Living the luxury life ♪
♪ I'm locked up in a palace ♪
♪ Living the luxury life ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ Like old silver marbles ♪
♪ Shining right in your eyes ♪
♪ Like old silver marbles ♪
♪ Shining right into your eyes ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ You drank the whiskey you dream of ♪
♪ Makes no water, no ice ♪
♪ You drank the whiskey you dream of ♪
♪ Ain't no water, no ice ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ He's got eat something ♪
♪ He doesn't serve you bread and rice ♪
♪ You eat brother, eat brother ♪
♪ Eat until your eggs arrive ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Invite all your friends ♪
♪ As you did in the good old days ♪
♪ Forget Aunt Cleo ♪
♪ Can't you see his advice ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Make love, make love ♪
♪ Make love is better than paradise ♪
♪ You make love, make love ♪
♪ Make love is better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Prison might be great ♪
♪ But freedom shines outside ♪
♪ Yes, the prison might be great. ♪
♪ But freedom shines outside ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Living like flowers, like birds ♪
♪ Like deer, like mice ♪
♪ Living like flowers, like birds ♪
♪ Like deer, like mice ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ So much better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ You know it sure is nice ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ On the road, on the road ♪
♪ On the road, on the road always ♪
♪ I'm on the road, on the road ♪
♪ On the road always ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
(breaking news alert)
Good afternoon, during the last week,
a strange person claiming
to be Jesus Christ
has spread terror in
Switzerland and Germany.
He walks around dressed up like Jesus
and he has gained groups
of followers as Jesus had,
and he is acting with violence,
maintaining he is Christ
returned to Earth.
Oh no.
The impostor found his way up
to quiet Copenhagen, Denmark,
attacking a peaceful missionary
talking to the crowd
from his favorite stand.
Folks, it's too late now.
It's already too late.
You're all condemned.
(crowd boos)
Oh yes.
The axe is already
at the root of the tree,
but there is no good fruit on the tree.
(crowd boos)
And why, why?
Because you are sinners.
You are dirty, filthy sinners.
Oh yes, yes you will all die.
All be expunged in the next atomic war.
You will all eat and choke
on your own excrement.
Poisoned, poisoned by plagiarism
and the greed of gases.
We are sinners, and what can we do?
Yes, what is the first condition
for getting forgiveness for your sins?
(crowd jeers and laughs)
Yes, yes laugh, there you are.
There is a laughing sinner.
Laughing sinner, jester, jerk-off.
Just Jesus Christ, our
Lord of mankind said,
"I have not come in peace,
no, I have come with a sword,
"and the sword shall smite you
down, right down into hell."
Yes, which is here.
This globe is a rotten hole.
Yes, the lousiest,
lowest, must ugly piece
of venom imaginable in the universe.
(crowd jeers)
So my friends, my
favorites, go for paradise.
Paradise, paradise, paradise...
Nobody said that.
Nobody said that, the
Earth is a great place.
It's in the Bible, wise guy.
Step down a moment, let me answer you.
(crowd cheers)
Here we have a lost soul.
(crowd jeers)
Who the hell are you?
Yeah, don't tell anyone, I'm Jesus.
I'm back here to tell the truth.
Jesus, you're a liar and a pansy.
And so?
[Preacher] A pansy, and a liar.
And you're an asshole.
(crowd laughs)
Does any one of you want an evil world?
[Crowd] No!
Does any one of you
want evil inside you?
[Crowd] No!
Does any one of you
know any better place
than here, right here, planet Earth?
[Crowd] No!
Shut up.
It's all lies, it's all sin, it's evil
It's all in the Bible, God wrote it.
A book?
God's word is written everywhere.
Everything under and over
the sky is written by God.
The universe is God's hand writing
and you are God's hand writing.
The truth is written inside you
and outside you by
every stone and animal.
So what do you need a book for?
It's written by the sky and by the grass,
by the trees, and the oceans,
by the sun, and the rain,
and by the darkness, and the light.
It's all God's hand writing.
So please, don't be afraid of living.
(crowd cheers)
Don't be afraid of living!
Shut up, beat it, scram, you devil.
Anti-Christ.
(crowd jeers)
Boo, fuck off.
Would you like to have a drink with me?
(crowd cheers)
Then why don't we go together, let's go.
On your feet, come on!
Yeah!
Hey, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, please.
[Crowd] We want beer.
We want beer.
We want beer...
He must be stopped.
Tell him if he doesn't return,
we'll send him back to the firing squad.
Can you get him?
Yes, your holiness, of course
(crowd chants)
[Crowd] Food for all.
Food for all...
(fighting and thudding)
(crowd chants)
(crowd screams)
(batons whacking)
(fighting and yelling)
(Marianne panting)
(Marianne panting and punching)
I've been so sad.
I thought you were dead.
Why, you still on the run?
No, they didn't get me, I escaped.
I managed to get a new passport.
I'm still me though, but
who are you Bethlehem boy?
Who's the real you?
Ah come on, I'm Jesus.
I'm really Jesus Christ.
It doesn't matter.
I'm really Jesus.
They sent me here.
I'm Jesus.
Bethlehem boy, Bethlehem boy.
I came a long way.
I was condemned to death
and now I've found you.
(engaging rock music)
(humming)
(music intensifies)
(humming)
You are under arrest, why did you go?
Didn't we have a deal?
You promised to come back to us.
You're spoiling everything.
We did a great, great, great job.
I've just been visiting Earth, sorry.
If you don't come back with us now,
we may have to give you
back to the firing squad,
and we may have to shoot her.
Ah, take it easy, take it easy.
Think it over.
What do you think a firing squad
would be able to do with me?
We have a deal and I won't let you down.
After all, you've been
working for me 2000 years.
I'll come back, but
there is one condition,
that everything should be like before,
and all my friends should
be with me, and she...
All right, like before.
That's good, very good.
Let's go then, come on, let's go.
(uptempo party music)
Reverend.
His holiness the
Pope, is on the line.
Please.
This way.
(uptempo party music)
Yes?
You did a damn good job.
What?
Yes, yes, thank you.
(uptempo party music)
What's all that noise.
Oh he, he makes music when he prays.
Rock and roll prayer?
Oh no, stop it, stop it.
[Pope] Cardinale.
No, it wasn't for you, sir.
Tomorrow we will meet the world together,
Jesus and I, at St. Pietro.
(carousing)
Yes.
Representatives of all the
major churches of the world.
They will all be invited.
The world press will be there.
There will be television.
There will be radio.
We are in the focus.
(crowds cheers and chant)
[Crowd] Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus...
(horns honks)
(people clamor)
(horn honks)
You love me, you love me!
(crowd screams and clamor)
(heraldic music)
(horn honks)
(crowd cheers)
(heraldic music)
(uptempo jazz music)
(religious music)
And 100s of thousand have come
from all over the world to witness
the greatest moment ever in
the history of Christianity.
The Church of St. Peter's
is filled, and every corner,
every single inch is
tense with expectation.
People are weeping, praying, meditating.
Representatives of all the
Christian churches are here,
Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox,
Coptic, and Protestants,
and all other kinds of
minority Christians.
Even Muslims are now gathering
in the bosom of the Mother Church,
the holiest of all places.
Jesus loves you, hallelujah.
[Crowd] Hallelujah.
♪ We shall overcome ♪
♪ We shall overcome ♪
♪ We shall overcome ♪
His holiness the Pope, will
be here in a few minutes.
He is behind this door, praying.
(uptempo festive music)
(crowds cheer and clamor)
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
[Crowd] Hallelujah!
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
[Crowd] Hallelujah!
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
[Crowd] Hallelujah!
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
(crowd clamor and yells)
(Graham sings off-key)
♪ And deep in my heart ♪
♪ I do believe ♪
♪ He shall return one day ♪
Hallelujah!
(crowd cheers)
Hallelujah!
Now as God's healing power comes
through this book, Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
Yes, Jesus loves you.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Jesus loves you!
Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
Jesus loves you!
Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
Hallelujah!
And when I put my
hand on this Holy Bible,
when Jesus Christ goes into my body.
Jesus loves you, Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
The great moment has come,
that we have waited for,
for nearly 2000 years.
What the Church fathers have predicted
has finally come true.
Jesus has returned!
(crowd cheers)
The God has chosen.
Christ, we unite,
with all Christianity.
(fighting and yelling)
(crowd cheers)
Hallelujah, Jesus
loves you, Hallelujah.
(crowd cheers rapturously)
[Crowd] Jesus. Jesus...
Hallelujah.
Jesus loves me, hallelujah.
(Pope moans and stutters)
(fighting and yelling)
Hallelujah!
Don't try and stop me.
[Clergyman] I'll rip your balls off.
(fighting and commotion)
(crowds cheer)
Jesus is mine, God damnit!
Hallelujah!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus...
(spiritual music)
(crowd cheers and chants)
(Nun moans in ecstasy)
(gunshot fires)
(porcelain crumbles)
Get off me.
Hallelujah!
Bringeth him up to me.
(cheering and commotion)
I'm sorry, it's not for me.
Is that the Christian Church?
Is that what you built on?
Is that what you worked
on for 2000 years?
2000 years?
You're not ready for me.
I came too early.
A shame, the world is
such a wonderful place.
(heavenly music)
(fighting and yelling)
(Pope stammers)
(reverent music)
(bottles clank)
(misty spiritual music)
(crowd clamoring and chanting)
(hysterical yelling and bedlam)
(punches thud)
(heavenly music)
(Pope stammers)
(peaceful heavenly music)
(dreamy romantic music)
I am the voice of one
crying in the wilderness.
Today is the Day of Judgment.
There was never a time like this
in all the history of humanity.
We are ending in a heap of
junk, dying in our own shit.
The ax is already
at the root of the tree.
So take you heed be careful,
the world is in danger.
A great ball of fire
is consuming the air.
You'll hear of wars and
of suffering and of death,
and hail will come down
mingled with fire and blood,
and smite all the living
plants and animals
in the fields, on the
seas, smoke and dust
shall be the lice of man and beast.
The stars will disappear and
nothing more shall be left.
And on the ground
mankind walking will die,
screaming in agony and pain.
The world will be
divided by mighty screws
and nations will fall and disappear,
and the land will stink,
stink, stink, stink.
The air will smell and the
ground will become corrupt
and the waters will smite
the world with plagues.
Oh you generation of
serpents, vipers, and swine.
How can you escape
the damnation of hell?
The wrath is on its way.
The end is near.
Whereas troubles becomes too many,
as doomsday approaches
with the end of all time,
the Lord God in his
wisdom will rise again
to rescue mankind, yes hear me now.
He will send back the one
to save us from destruction.
His one and only son, Jesus.
Jesus is coming.
Jesus will return again.
Jesus is here.
Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus!
(light whimsical music)
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Is better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Smells better than paradise ♪
♪ I say Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Smells better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris is
better than paradise ♪
♪ You wanna have some fun ♪
♪ Go down to Paris ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Smells better than paradise ♪
♪ You got to go down to Paris ♪
♪ You're gonna find
everything is real nice ♪
♪ It's uptight ♪
♪ And you wanna have some fun ♪
♪ Looking at the girls ♪
♪ Walking the streets ♪
♪ And smiling and laughing ♪
♪ And clapping and shaking
hands with everybody you meet ♪
♪ Go down in Paris ♪
♪ Paris, Paris is always nice ♪
♪ It looks better ♪
♪ It feels better ♪
♪ It is better ♪
♪ It looks better all the time ♪
♪ In Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Is better than paradise ♪
♪ I said Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Daddy sure did treat you nice ♪
(humming)
♪ You know I feel it low
down with these blues ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris has got
all the blues you can use ♪
♪ Yeah Yeah ♪
Get out, get out, out, get out!
Come on, come on.
Down the stairs.
(gunfire)
Kill him, get the motherfucker, get him.
[Terrorist] I'll kill
ya, you fucking diplomat.
[Terrorist] Shoot him.
(gunfire)
(screaming)
(fighting and thudding)
You faggot diplomat, you're dead meat.
[Diplomat] I'm not dead yet.
[Terrorist] Fuck-face.
All right, now you're gonna get it.
(gunfire)
(screaming)
(punching)
Are you ready then, you shit.
Go on, go on.
[Terrorist] Get up, come on, move.
[Terrorist] Marianne, get
down and get the guy you like.
We need one more.
All right out of the house.
Get out, out of the house.
God damnit, get up on
your feet, into the van.
Hurry, hurry, move it.
Move it, hurry!
[Diplomat] Wait a
minute, ...
[Terrorist] Shit,
we're running out of time.
Come on move, move.
Don't kill the woman.
[Marianne] Do you wanna go with him
or do you wanna follow me?
(screaming and yelling)
Come on Marianne, you got him.
Grab his fucking neck and let's go.
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ It looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ It looks better than paradise ♪
♪ Paris, Paris, Paris ♪
♪ Is better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
(screaming and yelling)
Move, move!
(gunfire)
Don't get in our way or
we'll fucking kill you.
Don't move.
I warn you.
(gunfire)
Stand out of our way
or we will shoot you.
(announcement in French)
(gunfire)
[Announcer] Stay calm and do not worry.
(gunfire)
(screaming)
Follow orders.
(gunfire)
[Terrorist] We kill you motherfuckers,
we kill you.
We kill you, we kill you.
(rapid gunfire)
(screaming and yelling)
(rapid gunfire)
Come on, go, go.
[Terrorist] Let's go move it, move it.
(rapid gunfire)
[Announcer] Stay calm.
X-Ray Lima, this is Orly
ground control, do you read me?
They seem...
They seem to want you.
Jorge, you take off
now, as fast as you can.
As fast as you can.
(announcements in French)
Hurry!
Everybody to the back,
everybody close it.
Get moving, come one,
move it, move it, move it!
Here's your fucking immunity.
Get up now, come on.
Now fly.
(engine hums)
Move, move.
Wish them welcome on board.
Tell 'em to follow orders.
Ladies and gentlemen, we would like
to welcome you on board on this...
Calm them down.
Tell 'em to follow orders.
You must obey orders.
There's absolutely no danger if you keep
completely quiet and if you obey orders.
(engine roars)
Take us to South America, Colombia.
It's too far.
Don't kid me.
How far can you go?
Come on!
Baghdad?
Liberia?
Impossible, impossible.
Libya?
Tripoli International Airport,
now that sounds possible.
All right you go south.
Take us to Libya.
In a short while a
drink will be served.
Give it to me.
Now you'll get all the drinks you want,
whatever you want, and
as much as you want.
Let me spell out for you.
You've been hijacked and
I'm very, very sorry,
but we'll have to kill you
if you don't obey orders.
Drag out some food and
drink for them, the best.
It may be the last they get.
Do you think they will kill us,
these wild and evil people?
I think we shall surely
go to Hell, Father.
To Hell, that's not so bad.
You know I have my return
tickets, what about you General?
I've been to Hell, Father.
Huh?
This one is Vietnam, wounded in action,
World War II, what about you?
Have you been to paradise, Father?
No, never, never, but
I have been to Paris.
You know, paradise is up
there and we're going down.
Don't worry, I will
find a way to beat them.
Praise, blessed.
(coughing)
(gleeful commotion)
No thank you, whiskey.
X-Ray Lima, Orly Ground Control.
Orly Ground Control to X-ray Lima.
We have set up a safe
landing procedure for you.
You will proceed to
Avalone Airport, Italy.
All precautions are being taken
so there will be no danger.
All signs of the airport will
read Tripoli International.
Roger, I read you.
(relaxing lounge music)
Whiskey.
Thank you and that big one
over there, for both of us.
Thank you.
(whistles)
There's something I have to ask you.
Where are you from?
Bethlehem.
Bethlehem?
I'm from Bethlehem.
Where in Bethlehem?
Well not in a very specific place.
I was born in a stable.
You know, we were very
poor, just a stable.
[Marianne] We were very poor too.
Why are you looking at me that way?
Come, ...
... come, move.
(relaxing lounge music)
(Spanish guitar plays)
(humming)
(humming intensifies)
(humming continues to intensify)
(musical pace hastens)
You make me with him.
X-ray Lima, this is Yu
Hadair, do you read me?
Roger, I read you five.
Does anybody else say, "Read me."
I don't know negative.
We have new instructions
for you to land,
at the Vosges Airport from
the north runway, 1-8.
No police will be seen.
(passengers cajole and party)
All precautions have now been
taken for a safe landing.
The situation can be very dangerous.
The airport is very
heavily guarded by police
and military with full firepower.
All visual identification
has been removed.
All signs now read
Tripoli Airport, Tripoli.
(people cajoling and partying)
[Pilot] Roger, we're native.
[General] You can still
see the bottom, Father.
Just keep your hands
steady, you're at ease.
(engine roars)
(relaxing lounge music)
(Jesus pants)
One more.
One more kiss before dying?
(door slams)
[Ground Control] X-Ray
Lima, Tripoli Ground Control.
Tripoli Ground Control,
this is X-Ray Lima.
Tripoli Control to X-Ray
Lima, prepare for in-flight.
[Pilot] Roger, I read
you five, thank you.
(soothing lounge music)
(bottle smashes)
Freeze, if you move I'll
blow your fucking head off.
Oh yeah, you wanna
play Russian roulette.
Go ahead.
I think you lose, General.
Holy shit.
Okay, move, get down.
Get down, get down, you fucks.
This does not look like Tripoli.
So, read the signs, what do you read?
You think it's Disneyland?
(engine roars)
Dirty swine, they will
never leave us alone.
God dang them,
and you have, got kielbasa.
(slurring)
What would you do if Jesus
came back here, right now?
Jesus can already come
back, just like that.
30 terrorists and thieves
up in the blue air.
Just like, that, no.
No, no, no, come on, I'm Jesus Christ.
I'm here, I'm back, I'm Jesus.
Jesus?
I'm Napoleon Bonaparte.
And you are a blasphemous,
aren't you ashamed of yourself,
aren't you, you blaspheminist?
The day I see Jesus.
All clear to land on runway 1-8.
Roger, X-Ray Lima cleared to land.
X-Ray Lima landing now on runway 1-8.
X-Ray Lima, Tripoli Ground Control,
we wish you a safe landing.
(bustling and commotion)
All workers and officials must clear
runway and move, immediately.
All forces must be ready for action.
The aircraft will be
landing in a few minutes.
The situation is very...
(engine roars)
All workers and officials must clear
their runway posts immediately.
All forces must be ready for action.
The aircraft will be
landing in a few minutes.
The situation is very dangerous.
All workers and officials must clear
their runway posts immediately.
All forces must be ready for action.
Follow the car.
X-Ray Lima, roger,
Abraham West, remote area.
I repeat, X-Ray Lima, roger,
Abraham West, remote area.
(plane beeps)
(joyous yelling)
Thanks for a wonderfullest trip.
It was most wonderful thing
I ever had in my whole life.
[Terrorist] Out, go, go on.
Come on, move, move, move, go, go!
(speaking in foreign language)
Welcome to Libya, brothers.
Run, get outta here!
(intense rapid gunfire)
Hurry, move, move.
(intense gunfire continues)
Move.
(tires squeal)
(vehicles hum)
(horn honks)
(tires squeal)
(engaging action music)
(gunshots fire)
(engaging action music)
(tires squeal)
(vehicle slams)
(vehicles crash)
(tires squeal)
(rapid gunfire)
(alarm blares)
(engaging action music)
(vehicles hum)
Get out of there, move, move.
Let's get over here, move it, move it.
Move it, move it.
Get this God damn thing open.
Get it open.
[Soldier] Pull, pull, pull it!
Let's get this whole thing open.
Get ready to shoot over there.
Move it, move it, move.
Ready, fire.
(rapid intense gunfire)
Fire again!
(rapid intense gunfire)
Cease fire!
Use the bazooka.
Get back.
No there's an expensive
aircraft in there.
Hold your fire.
Use a hand grenade.
Get back.
Get the fuck back!
Hmm.
Use another hand grenade then.
Okay.
(gunfire)
Get away, run, run!
(grenade explodes)
(ammunition jangles)
Answer me, you were
in on the plot, hmm?
(hand slaps)
You were in on the plot, weren't you?
Answer me, you're the leader, no?
You say that, I'm not.
He is the leader.
He must admit it.
He claims to be Jesus too, ask him.
What your name then, hmm?
I say to you I am Jesus Christ.
I was born in Bethlehem
and I came here for...
Jesus, a blasphemist, that's
what he is, a blasphemist.
He was in on the plot, that's certain.
He was with them all the time.
And he claimed to be Jesus, too,
and that is very, very dangerous.
Put him in jail, hang him.
Kill him, just like that.
What's your name and
where you coming from?
What's your name and
where do you coming from?
Even if it scares
you, my name is Jesus.
And I came from my father.
Oh Jesus, don't believe him.
Hang him.
Take the evil by its root.
Kill him!
If I'm guilty, who is innocent?
All the people you killed,
they were human beings,
but you people, you have
such stone-cold hearts.
That's what you have.
Put him in prison!
(spitting)
(screaming in foreign language)
(bluesy rock music)
(sensationalist news music)
Good evening.
The grim leader and chief conspirator
behind the bloody hostage taking
and hijacking of a
South American airplane
the day before yesterday,
has now been transferred
to the home country of the airline.
The President, Aldi Gomez y
Vargas, has already issued
a statement that the criminal
is sure to be condemned
to death and executed
as soon as possible.
We are able to bring a
report from the landing site
in South America, two hours ago.
(protestors chant)
The fact that such
a dangerous criminal,
claims to be our savior, Jesus Christ,
has awakened worldwide protests.
Demands for his
execution have been raised
by Muslims, and also of course,
Christian societies all over the world.
This morning, at 4
a.m., exactly two hours
after landing, he was sentenced to death.
Will the defendant rise?
Will the defendant rise?
Although you still hide your identity.
[Jesus] My name is Jesus!
Silence!
Although you still hide your identity,
and although we do not
know your name or descent,
you are condemned to death by hanging.
The execution will be carried
out one week from today.
Wake up.
(Latin guitar music)
Do you want a cigarette?
Do you want a cigarette?
May I come in?
May I come in?
I've come here to help you.
I've come here to help you
prepare to meet your Lord.
I just came from him.
Don't joke, death is no joke.
This is serious.
What you must go through is no joke.
When our Lord died on
the cross even he said,
"My God, my God, why did you leave me?"
He did not die, and the words were:
"You should be careful
with those priests,
you know, those with
the long black robes.
They look like sheep outside but inside
sometimes they're
wild, devouring wolves."
(Jesus laughs maniacally)
I've come here to pray with you.
Pray, you can only pray alone.
Go to your room, lock the door,
ask for food, forgiveness, friendship.
You know that very well, don't you?
I've come here to
help you, not to argue.
Who do you think you are
to talk to me like this?
My name is Jesus.
Oh Christ, you shouldn't
continue this way.
And if you continue this
way I won't come back.
You didn't come here to correct me.
You are the criminal not me,
so it is you who will take
the consequences, not me.
Oh, he's impossible.
He's really evil.
Don't call me gain.
One of the most harmful I've ever met.
You don't call me again.
He says he's Jesus
You want some coffee, priest?
Yeah, thank you.
Strange coincidence.
That's strange, he looks like Jesus.
Look, look don't you see?
Don't you see?
Oh it's a miracle.
Oh, hallelujah, he said
all the time he was Jesus.
Oh, what an idiot I am.
Oh look, he goes back again.
Look, look.
He's back, oh Jesus,
he's back, he's back.
He's back, oh he's back he's back.
Oh Jesus, he's back, he's back.
You fool, are you sure
the door was locked?
He's back, oh Jesus,
Jesus is back again.
Oh Lord, holy Lord, is it really you?
Oh forgive me, forgive me,
back after so many years.
Oh Lord, I'm your servant,
your humble servant, oh Lord.
I can really see...
Get up, cool it.
Oh Lord, what can I do, oh Lord.
Pull yourself together.
Don't act like that.
Don't be silly, man, stand up.
Listen to me, I want to get
out of here, please help me.
Go, go, go.
Yes Lord, yes Lord, Jesus, it's Jesus.
(Latin guitar music)
Hello, hello, Rome, the
Vatican, give me the Pope.
Yes hurry, it's urgent, yeah.
Just a moment.
(stammers)
(phone rings)
What?
Is Jesus back?
(speaks Latin)
Impossible he doesn't come back.
You want to see him, yeah, yeah,
but he's here, he's
right here, oh yes, yes.
Swear?
No, impossible.
His holiness is in deep prayer.
It is the hour of his reclusion
and today he's praying
for the poor in the world.
What?
What the hell?
I shall try to reach the Pope.
(bell rings)
It's terribly important.
What is it?
Come along, advance.
Father Leon has called
from a South American prison.
Listen now, listen.
Oh my sweet little...
Listen to me, I don't how I can say it.
He says, he maintains, Jesus is back.
What, are you sure?
No, no, impossible.
Take him out to be so superstitious.
Richie, my sweet darling,
my darling lovey-dovey,
when you will you ever learn?
There's been a miracle, a miracle.
Very well, give it to me.
Yes.
Jesus is back, yes.
Yes, he's really, yes sure, yes.
Your holiness, he is back,
oh yes, he's back, he's back.
Yes, I have heard.
What, are you saying that Jesus Christ
been condemned to death again?
Just like last time?
Holy shit.
Hello, we shall look into
the matter immediately,
in fact we shall send a committee.
Yes, we shall send a committee.
(jangly South American music)
The Church has no procedure
for proving that someone is Jesus,
therefore we must have a clear sign.
There's a hole in his hand.
[Cardinal] Sir, he must be a holy man.
Is it new?
Oh yes, it's new.
Are you sure that this
hole wasn't there before?
There was no hole, I swear.
(Latin guitar music)
Master, master, master, master.
(Cardinal passes wind)
Oh master, oh master, master, master.
Oh master, master.
(Cardinal passes wind)
Is it you?
Answer us in the name
of the Lord, answer us.
Answer me, are you forgiven
or are you Jesus Christ?
Answer us?
Are you the one and only Son of our God?
Or are you the devil?
I'm not the devil, I'm Jesus, it's me.
I'm back, I'm here.
Please, put those things down.
Don't be foolish friends.
It's me.
Why are you celebrating?
I'm in the same shit as last time.
In prison, condemned to
death, like last time,
and once more I have to see priests
doing strange things
around me, like last time.
But now, look at me, friends.
(Latin guitar music)
(clergy exclaim in raptures)
(Latin guitar music)
Signori Cardinali, there is very, very
serious matter before us today.
I've invited you all
to discuss a problem,
which in its content is very dangerous.
It is in fact, the most
serious threat ever
to the Holy Roman Church in
our many years of history.
Can any of you guess what it is?
That I am talking about, anybody?
In fact, it's tragic, terrible.
Are you ready?
Jesus Christ has returned.
(clergy laugh)
You don't believe me?
Jesus Christ has come back to Earth.
I swear to you, it's true.
Where is he?
In prison, of all things,
he's condemned to death.
[Cardinal] Like last time?
Yes, and actually,
that is a good thing.
Because of this he must
make a deal with us.
What, you can't
make a deal with Christ.
Jesus is not a supermarket.
He is condemned to death.
He has no choice but
to make a deal with us.
Let us put the question this way,
he could be very dangerous out there.
He could spoil the whole business
and we could go bankrupt.
(religious music)
I've been thinking about
this over and over again
since I saw him, why not
let him stay in jail?
Let him get killed.
Chop chop!
And nobody will ever hear about it.
Better to have him killed.
Last time it was the right thing to do.
But if we do that, if
we let him get killed,
then there could be a new Christianity,
and we could have stiff competition.
Then, we cannot kill him,
but we must control him.
One Christianity is enough.
Do you have any proof
that he really is Jesus?
Yes.
He works wonders, we have seen them.
He makes miracles.
He has a hole in each palm.
He shines like a sun.
It's him, it's him, it's him!
Truly, Gezemel?
This is not the first
time that they got people
out of prison, they got
Jean Genet, Theodorakis,
Solschenizyn, Sartre, Nixon,
Mandela, and have a lot,
then we can get Jesus out.
We get the special permission
from the President.
We give him a blanket
absolution for a few years.
Normally, that solves everything.
[POPE] Signori Cardinali,
Jesus must be our man.
We must have the copyright of him.
There can be no doubt about that.
Either, here it is, to make a deal
with us or we let him die.
We are after all the
Christian Church on Earth.
He must be presented to the world
in the church at St.
Pietro, with me at his side.
Or else he dies, but of
course I'm sure that he will
be reasonable, in fact,
I'm sure he will be glad
to let us make all the
arrangements for him.
We will make them properly.
We cannot of course,
technically lock him up
in a prison, but we
have a very fine place
where we can guard him for safety,
a sort of luxury guesthouse for royalty.
It is called the Palazzo Santo Spirito.
(playful music)
Let him through.
He's coming, he's coming.
Respect for the Lord, Daniel, Giorgio.
[Nun] Didn't you hear you silly brat?
Jesus is coming.
Bastard.
(faces slap)
(playful carnivalesque music)
He's coming, he's on the stairs.
Not here you fool, not here.
It's mine, Jesus has no luggage.
Get it out, out!
Oh fuck it.
(playful carnivalesque music)
That's another prison.
No, no, it's a lift, to take you up.
Shit.
(praying)
(playful carniavlesque music)
What's all this?
We wish to welcome you, Lord.
Just a welcome.
(Jesus coughs)
And what's the stink here?
It's incense, my Lord.
We use it all the time.
(playful carnivalesque music)
Who is that?
It's a picture of you, my Lord.
Stand up.
(jubilant music and praying)
And what's this?
[Cardinal] It's
another shot of you lord.
[Jesus] And what's this?
[Cardinal] It's St. Peter's.
The biggest and greatest
church in all Christianity.
[Jesus] Then what's
that white stuff inside?
[Cardinal] That's snow.
[Jesus] What is snow?
(playful music)
No.
(people clamor)
(imitates violin)
(birds chirp)
[Cardinal] Stay here, stay here.
(birds chirp)
You look like friends.
We have a party up there.
You can be my guests.
Yes, come on.
(church bells ring)
Come on, friends.
Don't worry.
Just a moment.
He runs in and out
of doors all the time.
We can't control him,
no one can control him.
We must control him, no matter what.
We must have more security.
Security?
You'll get more, that's my specialty.
Oh, thank God.
(playful music)
Whiskey or champagne?
Whiskey.
Champagne.
Give the two gentlemen a glass
of whiskey and a glass of champagne.
Brut.
Brut.
(playful music)
What would you like to hear?
Whiskey with some music.
Johnny can.
Would you like to stay here with me?
Would you?
Yes.
Of course.
But why are you doing all this for us?
Yes?
For the sake of fun.
The world was created for fun.
Can you see any other reasons?
No.
(boys clamor)
(electric guitar plays)
(claps)
♪ Locked up in a palace ♪
♪ Living the luxury life ♪
♪ I'm locked up in a palace ♪
♪ Living the luxury life ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ Like old silver marbles ♪
♪ Shining right in your eyes ♪
♪ Like old silver marbles ♪
♪ Shining right into your eyes ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ You drank the whiskey you dream of ♪
♪ Makes no water, no ice ♪
♪ You drank the whiskey you dream of ♪
♪ Ain't no water, no ice ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ He's got eat something ♪
♪ He doesn't serve you bread and rice ♪
♪ You eat brother, eat brother ♪
♪ Eat until your eggs arrive ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Invite all your friends ♪
♪ As you did in the good old days ♪
♪ Forget Aunt Cleo ♪
♪ Can't you see his advice ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Make love, make love ♪
♪ Make love is better than paradise ♪
♪ You make love, make love ♪
♪ Make love is better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Prison might be great ♪
♪ But freedom shines outside ♪
♪ Yes, the prison might be great. ♪
♪ But freedom shines outside ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ Freedom flies, freedom flies ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ Living like flowers, like birds ♪
♪ Like deer, like mice ♪
♪ Living like flowers, like birds ♪
♪ Like deer, like mice ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ So much better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ Better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ You know it sure is nice ♪
(bluesy rock music)
♪ On the road, on the road ♪
♪ On the road, on the road always ♪
♪ I'm on the road, on the road ♪
♪ On the road always ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
♪ It's better than paradise ♪
(bluesy rock music)
(breaking news alert)
Good afternoon, during the last week,
a strange person claiming
to be Jesus Christ
has spread terror in
Switzerland and Germany.
He walks around dressed up like Jesus
and he has gained groups
of followers as Jesus had,
and he is acting with violence,
maintaining he is Christ
returned to Earth.
Oh no.
The impostor found his way up
to quiet Copenhagen, Denmark,
attacking a peaceful missionary
talking to the crowd
from his favorite stand.
Folks, it's too late now.
It's already too late.
You're all condemned.
(crowd boos)
Oh yes.
The axe is already
at the root of the tree,
but there is no good fruit on the tree.
(crowd boos)
And why, why?
Because you are sinners.
You are dirty, filthy sinners.
Oh yes, yes you will all die.
All be expunged in the next atomic war.
You will all eat and choke
on your own excrement.
Poisoned, poisoned by plagiarism
and the greed of gases.
We are sinners, and what can we do?
Yes, what is the first condition
for getting forgiveness for your sins?
(crowd jeers and laughs)
Yes, yes laugh, there you are.
There is a laughing sinner.
Laughing sinner, jester, jerk-off.
Just Jesus Christ, our
Lord of mankind said,
"I have not come in peace,
no, I have come with a sword,
"and the sword shall smite you
down, right down into hell."
Yes, which is here.
This globe is a rotten hole.
Yes, the lousiest,
lowest, must ugly piece
of venom imaginable in the universe.
(crowd jeers)
So my friends, my
favorites, go for paradise.
Paradise, paradise, paradise...
Nobody said that.
Nobody said that, the
Earth is a great place.
It's in the Bible, wise guy.
Step down a moment, let me answer you.
(crowd cheers)
Here we have a lost soul.
(crowd jeers)
Who the hell are you?
Yeah, don't tell anyone, I'm Jesus.
I'm back here to tell the truth.
Jesus, you're a liar and a pansy.
And so?
[Preacher] A pansy, and a liar.
And you're an asshole.
(crowd laughs)
Does any one of you want an evil world?
[Crowd] No!
Does any one of you
want evil inside you?
[Crowd] No!
Does any one of you
know any better place
than here, right here, planet Earth?
[Crowd] No!
Shut up.
It's all lies, it's all sin, it's evil
It's all in the Bible, God wrote it.
A book?
God's word is written everywhere.
Everything under and over
the sky is written by God.
The universe is God's hand writing
and you are God's hand writing.
The truth is written inside you
and outside you by
every stone and animal.
So what do you need a book for?
It's written by the sky and by the grass,
by the trees, and the oceans,
by the sun, and the rain,
and by the darkness, and the light.
It's all God's hand writing.
So please, don't be afraid of living.
(crowd cheers)
Don't be afraid of living!
Shut up, beat it, scram, you devil.
Anti-Christ.
(crowd jeers)
Boo, fuck off.
Would you like to have a drink with me?
(crowd cheers)
Then why don't we go together, let's go.
On your feet, come on!
Yeah!
Hey, let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, please.
[Crowd] We want beer.
We want beer.
We want beer...
He must be stopped.
Tell him if he doesn't return,
we'll send him back to the firing squad.
Can you get him?
Yes, your holiness, of course
(crowd chants)
[Crowd] Food for all.
Food for all...
(fighting and thudding)
(crowd chants)
(crowd screams)
(batons whacking)
(fighting and yelling)
(Marianne panting)
(Marianne panting and punching)
I've been so sad.
I thought you were dead.
Why, you still on the run?
No, they didn't get me, I escaped.
I managed to get a new passport.
I'm still me though, but
who are you Bethlehem boy?
Who's the real you?
Ah come on, I'm Jesus.
I'm really Jesus Christ.
It doesn't matter.
I'm really Jesus.
They sent me here.
I'm Jesus.
Bethlehem boy, Bethlehem boy.
I came a long way.
I was condemned to death
and now I've found you.
(engaging rock music)
(humming)
(music intensifies)
(humming)
You are under arrest, why did you go?
Didn't we have a deal?
You promised to come back to us.
You're spoiling everything.
We did a great, great, great job.
I've just been visiting Earth, sorry.
If you don't come back with us now,
we may have to give you
back to the firing squad,
and we may have to shoot her.
Ah, take it easy, take it easy.
Think it over.
What do you think a firing squad
would be able to do with me?
We have a deal and I won't let you down.
After all, you've been
working for me 2000 years.
I'll come back, but
there is one condition,
that everything should be like before,
and all my friends should
be with me, and she...
All right, like before.
That's good, very good.
Let's go then, come on, let's go.
(uptempo party music)
Reverend.
His holiness the
Pope, is on the line.
Please.
This way.
(uptempo party music)
Yes?
You did a damn good job.
What?
Yes, yes, thank you.
(uptempo party music)
What's all that noise.
Oh he, he makes music when he prays.
Rock and roll prayer?
Oh no, stop it, stop it.
[Pope] Cardinale.
No, it wasn't for you, sir.
Tomorrow we will meet the world together,
Jesus and I, at St. Pietro.
(carousing)
Yes.
Representatives of all the
major churches of the world.
They will all be invited.
The world press will be there.
There will be television.
There will be radio.
We are in the focus.
(crowds cheers and chant)
[Crowd] Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus...
(horns honks)
(people clamor)
(horn honks)
You love me, you love me!
(crowd screams and clamor)
(heraldic music)
(horn honks)
(crowd cheers)
(heraldic music)
(uptempo jazz music)
(religious music)
And 100s of thousand have come
from all over the world to witness
the greatest moment ever in
the history of Christianity.
The Church of St. Peter's
is filled, and every corner,
every single inch is
tense with expectation.
People are weeping, praying, meditating.
Representatives of all the
Christian churches are here,
Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox,
Coptic, and Protestants,
and all other kinds of
minority Christians.
Even Muslims are now gathering
in the bosom of the Mother Church,
the holiest of all places.
Jesus loves you, hallelujah.
[Crowd] Hallelujah.
♪ We shall overcome ♪
♪ We shall overcome ♪
♪ We shall overcome ♪
His holiness the Pope, will
be here in a few minutes.
He is behind this door, praying.
(uptempo festive music)
(crowds cheer and clamor)
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
[Crowd] Hallelujah!
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
[Crowd] Hallelujah!
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
[Crowd] Hallelujah!
[Graham] Jesus loves you!
(crowd clamor and yells)
(Graham sings off-key)
♪ And deep in my heart ♪
♪ I do believe ♪
♪ He shall return one day ♪
Hallelujah!
(crowd cheers)
Hallelujah!
Now as God's healing power comes
through this book, Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
Yes, Jesus loves you.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Jesus loves you!
Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
Jesus loves you!
Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
Hallelujah!
And when I put my
hand on this Holy Bible,
when Jesus Christ goes into my body.
Jesus loves you, Hallelujah!
(crowd chants)
The great moment has come,
that we have waited for,
for nearly 2000 years.
What the Church fathers have predicted
has finally come true.
Jesus has returned!
(crowd cheers)
The God has chosen.
Christ, we unite,
with all Christianity.
(fighting and yelling)
(crowd cheers)
Hallelujah, Jesus
loves you, Hallelujah.
(crowd cheers rapturously)
[Crowd] Jesus. Jesus...
Hallelujah.
Jesus loves me, hallelujah.
(Pope moans and stutters)
(fighting and yelling)
Hallelujah!
Don't try and stop me.
[Clergyman] I'll rip your balls off.
(fighting and commotion)
(crowds cheer)
Jesus is mine, God damnit!
Hallelujah!
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.
Jesus.
Jesus...
(spiritual music)
(crowd cheers and chants)
(Nun moans in ecstasy)
(gunshot fires)
(porcelain crumbles)
Get off me.
Hallelujah!
Bringeth him up to me.
(cheering and commotion)
I'm sorry, it's not for me.
Is that the Christian Church?
Is that what you built on?
Is that what you worked
on for 2000 years?
2000 years?
You're not ready for me.
I came too early.
A shame, the world is
such a wonderful place.
(heavenly music)
(fighting and yelling)
(Pope stammers)
(reverent music)
(bottles clank)
(misty spiritual music)
(crowd clamoring and chanting)
(hysterical yelling and bedlam)
(punches thud)
(heavenly music)
(Pope stammers)
(peaceful heavenly music)
(dreamy romantic music)