Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022) - full transcript

- Man...
- We were waiting for you.

I'm happy you're here.
I'm happy all of you are here.

I have so much to tell you.
You're comfortable?

You can talk back to me.
I want you guys to feel that.

This only works if we feel like family.

I know the camera's here
and it's a whole thing.

It's a big night,
it's a lot of pressure.

That kinda thing, you know?

I want you guys to feel
as comfortable as I hope to be.

We got a lot of shit to talk about.
I'm happy you're here.

I need you.



I wanna talk about secrets!

Secrets! I should whisper it, right?

I carried a lot of secrets
my whole life.

I feel like I was birthed into them.

One of my biggest, one of my last
held secrets is my name.

My name is not Jerrod.

Welcome to the show, everybody.

I thought we were being honest
tonight.

Jerrod's my middle name.

I was given the name Jerrod
by my brother, Joe.

He's, like, seven years older than me.

They just trusted a kid to name a kid,
but whatever.

I'm thankful for that.

Without him I'd have to go
by my real name, my first name,



which we don't talk about.

It is not good. I don't like it.

I've always hated that name,

no one calls me that
except for my mom.

My dad named me...

He combined his dad's first name
and my mom's dad's first name

and mushed them together.

Not to make something elegant,

like William Edward
or something like that.

It's more like Toyotathon.

I hate that name. I've hidden
that name my whole life.

I used to get it removed
from the yearbook.

Every year in high school
I would bribe somebody.

It'd cost me 20 dollars
to get my first name taken out of it.

I never let people see
my driver's license.

I had it taken off my bank cards.

I've always been ashamed of it.
I've always hidden it.

And it's funny because it's a name
given to me to honor two people.

It's supposed to be this gift
to both my granddads.

And it almost seemed kind
of fucked up that I hide that,

that I like tuck it away,

but that's because
you don't know my grandfathers.

If you knew them,

you'd know keeping a secret
is the only way to honor them.

That's kind of who they were.
They were granddads.

I'm named after two men who
most of their lives,

most of their sex lives
at least were secrets.

My mom's dad had four kids
with my mom's mom,

his wife,

and four kids outside
of that marriage,

just kind of scattered about.

My dad's dad had five kids
with his wife

and about 23 outside of the marriage.

Yeah. I come from a long line
of cool niggers.

23. Dillon, South Carolina.
Jim Gowens is his name.

We don't have the same last name
because my dad was an outside kid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's no easy way to say your
grandma was a side piece.

I wanna say it was something else.

They'd prefer I used terms
like "affair" and whatever,

but nah, that's not what it was.

She was fuckin' a married nigger
and that's just...

So my grandma had three kids
by a married man,

my uncle Pete,
my dad, my aunt Nell,

and his wife found out
and confronted my grandma about it.

I like to think it was
on some "Color Purple" shit,

like she crossed the field
or whatever.

But she confronted my grandma

and demanded that she stop
sleeping with her man,

and my grandma fucked him again
and had my Aunt Cat.

I think she's where
I get my ambition from.

My aunt Cat is proud of that,
by the way.

She'll tell everybody her origin story.

She's like: "Don't nobody tell me
who to sleep with."

"And then she fucked him again
and had me out of spite."

"That's me, I'm the spite baby."
She loves that shit.

But we don't really talk about it.
We don't really talk about it.

My dad doesn't really know his dad,

but he still felt enough pride
to name me after him.

My mom's dad was also like a cheater,

but she lived in the house
that he was cheating from.

And so when you're that family,

you learn not to say shit.

My mom, I guess,
learned from her mom.

I'm trying to paint a picture
of a world before Destiny's Child,

where women got cheated on

and it didn't play out
like a Terry McMillan novel.

It was much more quiet than that.

They just kind of existed
with the secret.

They knew, but they didn't know.

It's weird,
it's like generations of that,

generations of just seeing things,
not seeing things.

I saw my parents' sex tape.

This is kind of a side tangent.

I was about twelve years old.
I came home from school early.

I would watch my dad...

If you got a dad or an older brother,
they might've had a porn stash.

This was the '90s. My dad kept
his tapes in a Nike box

in the bedroom closet
on the top shelf,

beside a gun and a jar of nickels.

And I remember putting this tape in,

and it was about 15 seconds before
I started recognizing the bedroom.

I know those sheets,
they got lemons on them.

But that's the thing,
I never told my family.

I never told my parents
that I'd seen that.

It's odd because
it's one of those things...

You can't talk about sex
with your parents,

not that anybody really wants to,
but you just can't.

And you're only here because
your parents fucked,

isn't that kinda funny?

Your dad came in your mom
and you're here.

Have you ever been watching
a movie with your parents

and a sex scene came on
and you just gotta be, like,

"nope, no it's not".

Things that exist, but don't exist.

It's things that are right there,
hiding in plain sight.

My father had me and my brother
with my mom,

and then he had four kids
with a bitch named Raneta.

It's not that I hate her name.

It's just that it sounds like a villain
in a Tyler Perry movie.

And other kids, he had other kids.

My dad was,
he was really out there, man.

He was really, really out there.

And I knew about it since I was a kid.
It was a small town,

and it's a secret that he thought
he was keeping from the family.

He thought he was doing a good job
keeping the secret.

But I found out.
I never told him that I knew.

My brother found out.
He didn't tell him.

It's funny to live in a house with
someone knowing who they are,

knowing that they're cheating
on your mom

and not saying anything to him.

He used to go out on Friday nights,
he would say he was going to work.

My dad is a truck driver,
which by the way,

if you're cheating on your wife and
you're looking for a profession

that allows

just long blackout dates,

get your CDLs and hit the road.
I really recommend it.

He would say he was going
to a second job on Friday nights,

but he would get dressed up,

and I mean dressed up
by North Carolina dad standards.

He tucked his t-shirt into his jeans.

He would say he was going
to work with cologne on.

Do you understand what I'm saying?
It's just, like, a liar.

And it would just leave me
as a kid knowing that...

It's weird to know it, to know,
to really, really know,

and not say anything.

I was scared.
I didn't know what to say.

I don't know what I could've done.

I don't know if I would've said
anything if I had the courage,

because I only saw this secret

as something that could've torn
our family apart.

If my mom found out,
I thought it would be over.

He was fucking my homeboy TJ's aunt.

This was this story TJ told me about,
and that's hard

because TJ,
he didn't want to snitch.

In the hood...
I didn't wanna snitch!

He told me, he was like: "Man, I came
home from school the other day"

"and I went to my aunt's house"

"and your pop was just there
on the couch."

What?

He's like: "Yeah, yeah, yeah,
he was just on the couch."

He saw my dad sitting on the couch.

He walks in,
he's excited to see my dad.

He knows my dad very well,
they used to play Madden together.

He knows him.

He's like: "Mr. Carmichael,
what are you doing here?"

And my dad, being caught, under
pressure, you know what he did?

He just squinted his eyes
and pretended he was somebody else.

I don't know how
that was supposed to work.

He literally was just like:

"Mr. Carmichael? I don't know
who you're talking about."

He just grabbed his shit
and got the fuck outta there.

My father.

And TJ was there with his aunt and
he said: "Do you know who that was?"

"That's my best friend's dad.
That's Joe Carmichael."

And she said: "Joe Carmichael?"

"He told me his name was Jerry Rice."

That's right, that's right.

My father was telling bitches

his name was Hall of Fame
wide receiver Jerry Rice.

Do you know how absurd that is?

And I got so many questions,
things he won't talk about.

Did you say it?
Did you act surprised?

"Did you go: What? There's another
Jerry Rice?"

Was it all part of the game?
Did he go:

"Yeah, my name is Jerry Rice.
I know. I get it all the time."

How did he react?

He was a wild man, he was really out
there, really, really out there,

just holding it in,
just holding it all in.

He had a double
or triple bypass surgery,

I guess that's where it went.

It's fine. I'm paying
for his health insurance.

Don't groan for the man.
I'm keeping him alive right now.

I made him tell my mom.

It became too much.

It's a secret that I think I was
happy keeping as a child

because I thought it made sense
for the family,

but then it was embarrassing,
first of all.

Because people knew.

It seems like everyone knew,
but my mom,

and that's really tough

because my mom is a very sweet,
loving, trusting,

Christian, God-fearing woman,

who was just standing by her man,
trusting her husband.

And my dad was just, you know,
he was really out there.

I got really drunk in London

and I was like: "It's time."

"I'm gonna confront him about it."

And it's hard. This was hard
because this is a tough man.

Again, he kept a sawed-off shotgun
in the closet by the porn,

and it's not easy.

It's not easy.
I was really afraid,

but I remember starting
the call saying:

"Listen, this will all go well as long
as you don't lie to me."

And I was just almost in tears
and just so emotional.

"I know about everything, man.
I know about Renita,"

"and the kids, and the blah blah blah,."

You know what he said?
He actually said:

"I always knew you'd be the one."
That's what he said. He knew.

So I made him tell my mom.

He waited until I was back home
in North Carolina to tell her,

fucking pussy.

I know, that's a pussy thing to do,
right? He waited.

He needed the support.
He waited until I was home.

And this was his big plan
to tell my mom.

He was like: "Okay, so you and your
brother, you take her out to dinner."

"I'm gonna stay home. And then
you bring her back from dinner."

"You drop her off, she'll come in the
house, and then I'm gonna tell her."

And I was like: "Okay, you want me
to hide a gun behind the toilet, too?"

"What kinda Godfather plan is this?"

But I went along with it.
It took a lot for him.

That dinner was the worst dinner
I've ever had in my entire life.

I took my mom
to a hibachi restaurant.

Earlier that day, I had taken my nieces
to see the "Trolls" movie.

I love going to the movies
with my nieces. It's the best.

They're not my kids so I can just get
high and do fun shit with them,

it's the best.

And we'd seen the "Trolls" movie,

and I don't know if you've seen it,
spoiler alert.

The premise is that these are these
colorful trolls that are singing

and all types of shit,

and if something devastating
happens to them,

they lose all of their color.

I remember thinking
that the whole dinner,

that whole night is just looking at my
mom, just looking in her eyes going:

"She's going to lose her color."

It was really, really scary.

Mind you, all of this happened
at a hibachi grill,

so I'm looking in her eyes,
but there's a flame

and we gotta clap every couple minutes.

He's juggling salt and pepper shakers.

"Yay, okay. My mom is about
to be fucking destroyed,"

"but this is a great trick."

I get mad when
I don't get a Japanese chef.

Sometimes they're Mexican
and they're just passing them off as...

Anyway.

How many Japanese chefs
are there in North Carolina?

I'm piecing this together now.

I brought her home.
I dropped her off.

I went to my brother's house,

and we waited by the phone
very, very anxiously,

me, my brother, and sister-in-law
just waited, very nervous.

And then my mom called.

I could hear in her voice
that she'd been crying.

And I'll never forget,
her first words were:

"I'm okay."

And he told her,
begged for her forgiveness.

She forgave him, she stayed.

It's kinda anti-climactic, I know.

She actually made him breakfast
the next morning.

I'll never forget that fact.

And mostly because
it's an embarrassing fact to admit.

It's not how I thought
the story would play out.

It's somehow worse.

But it was out in the open.

And once that was done, I was left
alone feeling like a liar

because I had a secret,

one that I kept from my mother,
and my father, and my family,

my friends,

and you, all of you,

professionally, personally.

And the secret is that I'm gay.

Thank you for that.

- We love you.
- That's very sweet.

I really appreciate that.
It means a lot.

And I'm accepting the love,
I really appreciate the love.

My, kind of, ego wants
to rebel against it,

You clap and you're very sweet
and you're very kind,

and I appreciate it.

Part of me wants to be like:
"I'm fucking gay."

"I'm not fucking retarded."

Because I can feel it, bro.
I can feel it.

There's a lot that happens
coming out.

I'm telling you guys and I see
the Yankee fitteds.

Some of y'all are just like:
"Shit, we at a gay show, bro?"

This is for HBO.

You know how many niggers
just turned the TV off

saying to their girl right now
"we gotta watch something else"?

Like, y'all clapped.
A lot of you clapped and you felt it.

Some of you didn't really wanna clap.
You were just like:

"We gotta do that shit. We're
in New York and there's cameras."

That's okay, I get it.

I came out to my friends.

We love you.

I wanna accept that, you know?

It feels like I didn't earn it.

It's like, what did I do,
suck a Dominican dude's dick?

And then y'all clapped for that,
you know?

Because I rebelled against that.
I really did, bro,

I rebelled against it my whole life.

I never thought I'd come out.

I didn't think I'd ever,
ever, ever come out.

Probably at many points in my life
I thought I'd rather die

than confront the truth of that.

I didn't actually say it to people,

because I know it changes people's,
some people,

it changes their perception of me.
I can't control that.

I'm from an environment where
I was, kind of, raised to be a man,

whatever that means.

Didn't expect gay babies,
you know what I'm saying?

You don't see old ladies looking
at a toddler being, like:

"Look at his cheeks.
I bet he's gonna be a top."

"Get that baby some prep now."

I feel you, bro. I'm with you.

I'm from the hood.
Sometimes I'll be in the shower like:

"Nigger, I'm really gay.
Fuck, dude!"

You know?
Shit is shocking to me, too.

I didn't know. It's fucked up
all my relationships.

I had a boyfriend, me and that nigga
talked to each other like men.

We'd say shit like:
"I wanna suck your dick, bro."

None of that gay shit over here.
Sometimes we're making out

and just whispering "no homo"
to each other.

Just tonguing that nigger down
being, like, "pause".

I feel you.

I got mostly straight friends.

Them niggers didn't wanna hear
that shit.

My homeboy, Jamar, said...
This is one of my best friends.

I let him sleep on my couch
when he needed it.

I was always there for him.

He told me he felt like he was tricked
into having a gay best friend.

He said: "I would've never signed up
for this."

And I said: "Nigger,
you owe me 85000 dollars."

Gotta accept the love, man.
I need the love. I need it.

I was really out here lying, though.

That's the thing, I came out too late,
a little too late.

That "it gets better shit
is for the kids".

That's not for an adult man figuring
himself out. They don't want that.

Nobody wants that shit. All my friends
felt like I was just duplicitous,

like I was just lying to them.
They didn't know who I was.

They all reacted like Sally Field
in "Mrs. Doubtfire".

They were like: "The whole time?"
They were very mad about that shit.

It cleared up my relationship
with all my Black homegirls.

My friend Ashley told me before
I came out she could sense it.

She was like: "Please just tell me
you're gay so this all makes sense."

I guess there are only so many times
you can Facetime a woman to see

if your outfit looks okay

before they start having some
questions.

They were the toughest.

Black women were the toughest
people to come out to,

but also the most supportive.

I'm very, very thankful for all
of the Black ladies in my life

who have supported me through that,

through all of it, all of it.

They're not homophobic at all.
They're racist as a motherfucker.

They don't like that I had
a white boyfriend.

See? You see what I'm saying?
You see that change?

You can be gay, but nigger, what?

You date white boys, really?
Is that a shock?

Surprise, surprise. No more secrets.
I'm gonna tell you all.

You heard her say "wow"?

That's the sound of a Black woman
that feels doubly betrayed.

My sister is on that shit, too.
Listen, I'm used to it.

I grew up just in the hood
on some real strong masculine shit.

It plays out.

Look, I'll say this,

I actually think that it is important
to say this,

I believe in the Black family.

I think that Black men should marry
Black women,

and have Black babies and raise them
to be smart, just good citizens,

educated.
I think that's very, very important.

A hundred percent.

I think gay Black men should be able
to fuck whoever the fuck we want.

What is the consequence?

There are no Black babies coming
from the kind of sex I have, okay?

It's all getting flushed.
It doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

The Black girls, they try.

I would send them pictures
of my boyfriend

and they would ignore
that he's white.

They would just be like...

I remember I sent a picture
to my homegirl Tiffany and she was like:

"He got some pretty glasses."

I was like: "Nah, bitch,
it's not the glasses."

"Look at the skin of my vanilla king."

I didn't call him that.

I'm hiding nothing from you guys.

But your name.

Now you guys are too much
like my family.

Let's go back to the audience-performer
relationship we had before.

It's a lot.

I'm really happy we had this moment
of...

My brother texted me earlier today
and said:

"I'm missing my first special taping,"

"but I know it's necessary. I love you."

That's very sweet. I love him.

He's there for me as much as he can be.

He tries. He tries and I love him.

I love him a lot.
I love Joe so much.

He's all I got in a lot of this.

I wish he'd try harder.
I'm probably a little mad at him,

a little bit mad. He's my big brother,
he's supposed to protect me.

He loves me despite,
that's the thing.

It's a little condescending, you know?

It's love with an asterisk.

"I don't really fuck with the gay shit,
but I still love you."

That's that masculine shit.

I could feel the distance between us.

And I hate that
because no one would want that.

It makes me feel unwanted.

It makes me feel like
something is wrong with me.

It's like he's looking down on me
and accepting me despite.

It's especially hurtful just because
I make so much more money

than this nigger.

It's not even close.

I don't wanna be gross
and talk about money,

but the difference is millions
and millions of dollars.

I love my brother a lot.

He's a nice guy.

Nice as... I'm saying that.

He has five kids who I love a lot,
a lot.

My nieces mean a lot to me.

My oldest niece, Joliette,
she's fourteen now

and I like talking to her.

I think she's so smart
and she's really beautiful.

Her face reminds me of my mom's.

I have a five-year-old niece

and then four-year-old twin nieces

and I love them.

I like spending time with them
because I'm not hiding anything

when I' m with them,
I'm just with them.

We're just there playing.

We're just eating ice cream
or they're trying to braid my hair.

They are easy to talk about it with,
you know?

Juliette, there's no pre-tense.
It's harder with the older ones.

I came out to my dad again.

I say again, cause he forgets.
It's cognitive dissonance.

I have to remind him.
I have to re-up every so often.

There's a part of him that likes
that I came out.

I don't think he necessarily wants
a gay son,

but he likes that me coming out
takes some of the heat off him.

Like when he first found out he was
like "no, it's cool",

"I fucked up, you fucked up".

"You gay, I did what I did...
Que sera..."

My father's dream is that I'm bi.

That's all he wants.
That's all he wants, the hope,

somewhere on the horizon,
that I'm still getting pussy.

That's all he wants.
He's probably actually disappointed

in both of me and my brother.

He's probably looking at us like:

"Wait, so you gay
and you only fuck your wife?"

"What kinda nerds am I raising here?"

I told my dad, I said:
"I know two things for a fact."

"I will never be an astronaut
and I'm a gay man."

And you know what my father said?

He said:
"Don't give up on the moon, son."

I hid it from my mom
for the most part.

I was afraid

that her reaction would be
to just go inside with it.

I love her a lot. I love her dearly.

And I'm trying to describe her
without sounding cliche

and describe the love
that I have for her.

I really feel like I was one
of her closest friends.

I feel like I have always
looked out for her.

I remember on the call,

the last time I talked about being gay
with my Mom,

she said: "I can't go against Jesus."

And it just bothers me.

I get it, cause she's...

She's doing the best she can.

I think.

She's trying to accept.
I don't know what she's trying to do.

I think she's trying to accept it.

Part of me knows she's at home
trying to pray the gay away.

I get a little mad sometimes.

Any time I don't match with a dude
on RIA I'm like:

"I bet that bitch over there
praying to God."

I feel it too.

It fucks with me because this
is a religion that I still believe in.

I'm still a Christian
and it's taken a lot,

it's taken a whole lot because
I've had to reconfigure God

and what God is and what he means

in order to accept myself.

I had to kind of rebuild.
And with my Mom...

I'm sorry. A lot of it is not really...

It's kinda happening in real time,
so it's not totally worked out.

Forgive me.

I think she's...

She thinks not reacting
is the best reaction.

I think she's been rewarded
for staying quiet, you know?

It's like with her dad,
so she gives me nothing.

Even hate starts to feel like love
because that's acknowledgement.

It's not just nice.
It's not pleasant, it's real

and that feels...

I think that would feel better.
I wish she would yell at me.

I wish she would tell me
to not come home.

I wish she'd call me a faggot
like my Uncle June Bug did.

Yeah. It hurt my feelings,

but I was like:
"Nigga, your name June Bug."

I'd rather get called a faggot
than June Bug.

Anything, anything, anything.

She's nice.

She's sweet. She ignores it.

The worst of her is cold,
like really, really cold.

I mean she's a nice lady, but like,
there's a part of her that's really...

She can shut people out.

She can ignore,
she can block and like, go inside.

But you gave yourself so many years.
Why don't you give her that time?

I'd love to give her all the time
in the world, you know?

I don't know how much time
it would take.

I don't know how much time
we have left.

Just in general,
one of my biggest fears

is my parents funeral,

just the thought of one them dying
without saying everything,

without contending,
without expressing it all.

And my mom's in her early sixties

and she has time and she's...

I also just don't know
if that's when people change.

They do.

Maybe. I don't know.
It sounds like a joke,

but like part of me feels like if I ask
my mom to change this much about her

is like, you ever see a 90-year-old
get a college degree?

On the news...

And you're like: "Bitch, now?"

"Good luck in the fucking job market."

It's not that I don't find hope
for change,

but I think even if she was young,

there's a part of my mom
that's very, very cold.

I know it because I have it,
I can be that.

That's why my last real secret
is that I'm...

People think I'm nice.

Nah, I'm like my Mom.
Fuck everybody.

Very selfish.
Very, very, very, very selfish.

I smile. Very polite about it.
I lie to everybody face.

"Yeah, we should get dinner!"

You know, lies.
How you lie to people?

I'm afraid of not...

Man, just like my Mom,

is that performance of like
who you're supposed to be.

Like I'm afraid of not smiling.
I smile a lot.

I feel like if I don't smile,

I look like the niggers
that shot Malcom X.

I know.

I'm afraid of things getting

awkward.

Like weird.

Like even this moment, I'm like "man,
I should probably think of a joke".

Shit is falling apart out here.

Do you wish you didn't tell her?

No, no.

I stayed in the closet
for a long time.

I think because of my Mom I felt like...

It's not like I could bring a dude home
to her, so what's the point?

But as much as she believes in God,

I believe in personal growth

and feeling free.

I feel freer.

We say things like:

"Sometimes you grow
and you gotta leave people behind."

"People are in your life for a reason
or a season."

Or these kinds of cliche sayings.

It's hard when
that person is your Mom.

You think a lot of the guilt
is your dad's guilt?

I carry some guilt.

I think because I was complicit

in the lie, I guess.

I thought I was protecting her.
I always felt like my Mom's protector.

I always felt like...

I'm trying to explain this concept.
I always felt like...

I always felt like the result
of her prayers.

My mom, one of her favorite
Bible verses is,

I think it's Jeremiah Chapter 33:

"Ask me and I will tell you things
you don't know and can't find out."

Do you think without your mom's
approval you'll be okay?

That eventually this will be something
that you'll be okay with?

I think without my Mom's approval...

I'd like to believe I will be okay.

I think I've spent a lot of time trying
to supplement that love

and I'm very thankful because I have
some very, very good friends.

Really, really good people
who are there...

I think it's something
that I kind of search for.

When there's distance between me
and my Mom,

it's the times I feel the most
like an orphan.

I feel abandoned.

I'm sorry, that laugh was fake.

I'm trying to make jokes. I wish
this moment weren't so weird, man.

I think like, what do I want from her?

I know she'll see this.

I don't know what will happen.

You guys got any ideas?

I don't know what else to...

I've been trying to be very honest

because my whole life
was shrouded in secrets.

And I figured the only route
I haven't tried was the truth,

so I'm saying everything.

Here's everything.

I feel okay.

I'm very thankful for tonight.

Rothaniel. My name's Rothaniel.

Goodnight, everybody.
Thank you very much.

Thank you very, very much.
Thank you.