Jerk (2019) - full transcript
ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Well... Well...
What the fuck?
Well...
If it isn't Tiny Tim!
Kiefer.
And when I say Tiny,
I mean your dick.
My oldest enemy!
I'm saying your dick is small.
I haven't seen you since art
school.
They put you in the girls' dorm
because your dick is so small.
Yeah... No, wait.
We always have to wait for you,
Kiefer.
You never got any pussy
in art school either.
I remember.
I thought you'd be dead by now.
I thought we might both be.
I'm not dead.
I'm amazing.
My latest exhibition starts next
week in Shoreditch.
When's your exhibition, Tiny Tim?
When's your fucking exhibition,
Tiny Tim?
Tiny Tim, your dick is so small
the only exhibition you've made
is an exhibition of yourself...
with your small dick.
That wasn't worth coming back for.
BEEPING
Hey, Mom.
Hey, Timmy.
Where are you?
Why is it so dull?
I have to be really, really quiet.
Mom, you've never been quiet
in your life.
Timmy, I really need you to do
something for me.
Mom, you're acting really strange.
Are you on the valium again?
No. I really need you to...
..give your Mama a
motherfucking kiss, you freak!
Hey, Mom! Hi, baby.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Can't wait to meet Tim's mum.
Do you think she'll like me?
No. Why?
No-one likes you, especially
on the first impression.
And then when they you get to know
you, they really don't like you.
She does like me. Hi, guys! Hi.
Mom, this is Ruth.
Oh, Ruth, I've been dying to
meet you.
And would you like coffee?
Sure. Sorry...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
You must be Mrs Renkow.
Is it Miss? Ms?
I wouldn't want to presume
that you'd take the name of a man.
Could be maiden name.
Sorry, I'm mansplaining.
Do you have that term in America,
mansplaining?
It's when a man sort of explains
something to... Stop it.
I'm doing it again. I'm sorry.
Idris. Idris. I thought
you made him up.
I wish had.
You've raised a wonderful son,
Mrs Mum.
Mrs Renkow.
OK...
So, I had an idea
to save Timmy's ass.
We get him hitched.
This way, they'll HAVE to let
him stay.
So you marry Ruth. What?!
No! Look, you already wipe his ass.
Why not put a ring on it?
The NHS asks a lot, but...
But you're allowed to marry
patients!
Yeah, I've considered it if
they've got their own flat
and they're, like, 97. OK.
Well, that definitely fucked
up my plan. Not necessarily.
I mean, Tim could find
another girl.
Well, I want him to get a nice
girl, not just get him laid.
I mean, if that was the issue,
I'd pay 500 bucks
and hire a streetwalker.
Mom, this is so demeaning.
No, Tim, we could hook you up
with a few dates.
And you might find love
and all that other bullshit.
Well, if you think so.
Yeah, we'll get you on the dating
sites. You'll get loads of hits.
Hey, you know you should keep
that camera covered up?
It can record you all the time.
Don't be silly.
Can it? What, all the time? Yes.
No. It doesn't really matter cos
I don't really watch a lot of...
I mean, the stuff I do watch,
it's all female friendly.
Clothes-on type of stuff, not the...
There's quite some rude stuff
out there.
Is it MILFs?
Not, Mrs Renkow, that older women
aren't attractive. Jesus...
I'm sure you yourself
have a very active sex life.
Okey-doke, Tim,
let's get you logged in.
Just a few details... Interests?
Eugenics.
Know thy enemy, Idris!
Mom, why do I have to do this?
Because you literally fucked up
every other avenue.
Hmm.
Look, don't be scared.
You know that beauty
is on the inside, right?
Yeah, but what about the outside?
You're an acquired taste, my love.
SHE LAUGHS
Look at my boy,
all dressed up,
going out to date!
Mom, I've been on dates before.
Yeah?
What kind of girls are you into?
Come on! I just want to know.
Are you an ass man?
Mom, I like to keep a little
mystique.
Yeah? You like a nice rack?
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
What DON'T you like?
I don't know, Mom.
I guess I'm open-minded.
I'm just looking for a girl
that doesn't have...
A gag reflex?
Come on, that was a good one!
Yeah, very good!
# I'm a little pimp
with my hair gassed back
# Pair of khaki pants
with my shoes shined black
# Got a little lady walk that street
# Telling all the boys
that she can't be beat. #
Hey.
I'm Tim.
You seem different to your photo.
Yeah. Maybe I'm a bit shorter.
It's just...
You didn't tell me
you were disabled.
I was hoping you wouldn't notice.
Oh, nice.
How long do I have to sit here?
It's not speed-dating.
You can leave any time.
Yeah, but so as I'm not being rude.
Because to be fair, I wasn't
expecting a disabled.
No, I'm not shocked. I actually went
out with a disabled guy once,
so I know how much a fucking pain
in the arse it is.
No!
Not feeling it.
But you liked my photo.
Do I look like I am in control
over whether I swipe right or left?
INAUDIBLE
Don't worry. I've got a friend
who's in a wheelchair, so...
Yeah, but I'm not in a wheelchair.
Wheelchairs turn me on.
SLURRED: So, what's...
What's your name? Tom?
Tim. Tim.
Ah. And what...
What is it you've got?
Is it... Is it cancer?
Yes, sure.
Why not?
Can you still do stuff?
Do you want to come home with me?
Fuck it, yeah. Why not?
I think this must be her address.
It's where all her deliveries go.
A lot of self-help books.
I'll get her home.
It's not my place to say anything,
but I think you can do better, mate.
It's cold out tonight.
Are you drawing me? Yeah, I am.
I kind of look like...
A young Mr Herbert from Family Guy?
Uh, no!
That's not... The right grain of
charcoal for the beard.
You're right.
You really know your stuff.
The bus is late.
Yeah, there's not been one for,
like, 30 minutes. Jesus.
I'd better go.
Shit, that sucks,
cos I've really got
to get back to...
Well, nothing really.
SHE GIGGLES
Do you want me to walk with you?
You know, just to...
Three hours later
than I need to be?
Oh, why not?
I'm Clara.
I'm Tim. Hi, Tim.
You know, the last girl probably
just thought you were pissed
and trying to fit in.
I gave up trying to fit in
a long time ago.
Anyway, this is me.
Thanks for the walk, Tim.
So...
Yeah.
I would love to... Ask me out?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was coming.
Uh...
How... How do you feel
about art exhibitions?
I love art exhibitions.
What about fucking tailboards?
They're, like, the best.
Cool. What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Timmy, why can't Mommy meet
your new hottie,
your future wife, your baby mama?
Oh, pretty much because of
everything you just said.
But I'm so excited for you.
Do you think she'll put out?
Let's just take it slow, Mom.
Look, I'm just trying to help.
You're going to wear your shoes,
aren't you? Mom!
I know how to be around girls.
Tim, your mum's just clearly
looking out for you, aren't you?
Just making sure that
if you did want to share an
intimacy with a lady...
Who uses the phrases like
"intimacy with a lady"?
Have you ever had sex, Idris?
I beg your pardon? Yeah.
I've... I've done stuff. Yeah.
Don't you worry about that.
And both sorts of stuff.
Both sorts?
Well, I'll have to say, Tim, this
Clara does sound very nice.
She fucking is.
I don't want either of you
to fuck this up for me.
I'm going to woo Clara,
so keep this shit out.
Where is the exhibition, sweetie?
Oh, you just go down the street
and mind your own goddamn business.
# Yo, yo, yo, what a night
# New York City
Heard it going down
# Friday night, midnight
# Atlantic City, slot machines
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding
# When they ring off, lock the doors
# That's when Ghost just g'd off
# Cigars, Paisley robes
# Four bitches guarding me safely
as we walk to the window
# The cashier was scared
She asked for my info
# The manager arrived
with two guards... #
ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Well...
HE SIGHS
Well... Kiefer,
I don't have time for this.
No-one has time for this.
Well, if it isn't the guy
with the biggest micro penis
I've never seen.
How many double negatives is that?
Couldn't stay away, could you?
My exhibition evokes the true
experience of suffering
with cerebral palsy.
It does in a way,
because it's fucking awful.
Oh, well, I wouldn't say it was
world class and groundbreaking,
but it's nice of you to say it.
Oh, my God, I didn't.
How much of this shit
is pre-programmed?
You know what?
It doesn't matter,
cos I'm here with my date Clara.
Clara?
She looks like she
loves a bit of Kiefer.
No, actually, this was on
her bucket list.
And by that I mean
that list of things
that make her want to be
sick in a bucket.
Hi, Tim. Hello.
These are quite good.
They're evocative.
I wouldn't put them on my fridge
and my fridge is fucking disgusting!
Oh, really? Yeah.
Do you not think there's, like,
a...perspicacity to them?
Yes.
If that word means shit.
You're... There he is! Oh, my God.
Fuck! I knew you made a mistake
and it was tonight in Shoreditch,
not next Tuesday in Brighton,
like you said.
How did you even know
where to find me?
When he said it was an exhibition by
an artist with cerebral palsy,
there's only one
causing a five-star buzz.
I mean, it's not like you've got
an exhibition, is it?
Hi. You must be hot Clara?
Oh...
I think the "hot" is silent.
Sorry, I didn't mean to objectify
you sexually.
It's my third least favourite way
of being objectified.
Oh, God. Just so don't make another
mistake, what are first two?
I'm joking! Oh, God.
I told him to practise
talking to women.
She didn't.
Hi. Idris.
Please tell me my mom isn't here.
No.
She's... She's just paying
for the cab.
I've got to go and hide.
Nice ass.
So, where's your little lady friend?
Oh, she's in the toilet.
That's exactly where I'm headed.
That little shit Idris introduced
me to the British shepherd's pie.
The shit's going right through me.
Oh, lovely.
Well, I'll stand guard.
MUSIC PLAYS
So...
We could get out of here.
Ten more minutes.
I just bought something.
You know, there is a really
impressive brain at work here.
Really? Mm-hm.
Actually, do you want to meet him?
Wow. That'd be great.
Do you know him?
Oh, yeah.
All cerebral palsies
know each other!
I cannot wait for you to meet him.
Hi. Sorry. Excuse me.
I've just been saying how much
I'm enjoying your exhibition.
I paint myself, but I'm just
an amateur, really, though, so...
Every trained artist
was once an amateur.
That's really kind of you.
Every child is an artist.
The problem is how to remain
an artist when we grow up.
Jesus. Yeah.
The principles of true art
is not to portray
but to evoke.
Art enables us to find ourselves
and lose ourselves.
So fucking lose yourself.
Tim, that's rude.
This is so fucking bullshit.
He just downloaded the quotes from
the internet.
Cerebral palsy represents
as both light and shade.
To truly see its limitation
and possibilities
is to present it as both
two- and three-dimensional space.
No, it doesn't!
Tim, I think Kiefer knows what he's
talking about.
No, he doesn't. Yes, he does.
Please. Sorry.
Safari cannot connect
to the internet.
I went behind the bar and turned
the Wi-Fi off.
Safari cannot... Safari cannot
connect to the internet.
See the true Kiefer now?
If they made a film about Tim,
it would not be My Left Foot.
It would be
Tim's Right Hand Wanking.
I'll use my left foot to
kick your ass!
Oh, yeah? Yeah, you piece of shit.
I'll fucking beat your legs
into scrambled eggs!
I'll beat you till your voice works!
I'll kick your ass so hard your mom
will end up in the hospital!
Everyone, this is want just
performance art,
so enjoy it!
Right, stop! Please stop.
Sorry, Clara.
Oh, you're Clara?
Why you little minx, you!
Welcome to the fam...
I don't ever want
to see you again, Tim.
Well, that's what I said
when I first saw him,
but then you grow to just adore him.
Hey, Cuntarella,
would you take 500 bucks
to bang him?
And performance art...scene!
# Hold tight, count to three
Gotta stay close by me
# And hold tight, sing and shout
# Just ride my roundabout
# And hold tight, shut your eyes
# Girl, you suit me for size
# Forget these other guys
# You'll never fall
# Each time you call
# Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight... #
What the fuck?
Well...
If it isn't Tiny Tim!
Kiefer.
And when I say Tiny,
I mean your dick.
My oldest enemy!
I'm saying your dick is small.
I haven't seen you since art
school.
They put you in the girls' dorm
because your dick is so small.
Yeah... No, wait.
We always have to wait for you,
Kiefer.
You never got any pussy
in art school either.
I remember.
I thought you'd be dead by now.
I thought we might both be.
I'm not dead.
I'm amazing.
My latest exhibition starts next
week in Shoreditch.
When's your exhibition, Tiny Tim?
When's your fucking exhibition,
Tiny Tim?
Tiny Tim, your dick is so small
the only exhibition you've made
is an exhibition of yourself...
with your small dick.
That wasn't worth coming back for.
BEEPING
Hey, Mom.
Hey, Timmy.
Where are you?
Why is it so dull?
I have to be really, really quiet.
Mom, you've never been quiet
in your life.
Timmy, I really need you to do
something for me.
Mom, you're acting really strange.
Are you on the valium again?
No. I really need you to...
..give your Mama a
motherfucking kiss, you freak!
Hey, Mom! Hi, baby.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Can't wait to meet Tim's mum.
Do you think she'll like me?
No. Why?
No-one likes you, especially
on the first impression.
And then when they you get to know
you, they really don't like you.
She does like me. Hi, guys! Hi.
Mom, this is Ruth.
Oh, Ruth, I've been dying to
meet you.
And would you like coffee?
Sure. Sorry...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
You must be Mrs Renkow.
Is it Miss? Ms?
I wouldn't want to presume
that you'd take the name of a man.
Could be maiden name.
Sorry, I'm mansplaining.
Do you have that term in America,
mansplaining?
It's when a man sort of explains
something to... Stop it.
I'm doing it again. I'm sorry.
Idris. Idris. I thought
you made him up.
I wish had.
You've raised a wonderful son,
Mrs Mum.
Mrs Renkow.
OK...
So, I had an idea
to save Timmy's ass.
We get him hitched.
This way, they'll HAVE to let
him stay.
So you marry Ruth. What?!
No! Look, you already wipe his ass.
Why not put a ring on it?
The NHS asks a lot, but...
But you're allowed to marry
patients!
Yeah, I've considered it if
they've got their own flat
and they're, like, 97. OK.
Well, that definitely fucked
up my plan. Not necessarily.
I mean, Tim could find
another girl.
Well, I want him to get a nice
girl, not just get him laid.
I mean, if that was the issue,
I'd pay 500 bucks
and hire a streetwalker.
Mom, this is so demeaning.
No, Tim, we could hook you up
with a few dates.
And you might find love
and all that other bullshit.
Well, if you think so.
Yeah, we'll get you on the dating
sites. You'll get loads of hits.
Hey, you know you should keep
that camera covered up?
It can record you all the time.
Don't be silly.
Can it? What, all the time? Yes.
No. It doesn't really matter cos
I don't really watch a lot of...
I mean, the stuff I do watch,
it's all female friendly.
Clothes-on type of stuff, not the...
There's quite some rude stuff
out there.
Is it MILFs?
Not, Mrs Renkow, that older women
aren't attractive. Jesus...
I'm sure you yourself
have a very active sex life.
Okey-doke, Tim,
let's get you logged in.
Just a few details... Interests?
Eugenics.
Know thy enemy, Idris!
Mom, why do I have to do this?
Because you literally fucked up
every other avenue.
Hmm.
Look, don't be scared.
You know that beauty
is on the inside, right?
Yeah, but what about the outside?
You're an acquired taste, my love.
SHE LAUGHS
Look at my boy,
all dressed up,
going out to date!
Mom, I've been on dates before.
Yeah?
What kind of girls are you into?
Come on! I just want to know.
Are you an ass man?
Mom, I like to keep a little
mystique.
Yeah? You like a nice rack?
All right, all right,
all right, all right.
What DON'T you like?
I don't know, Mom.
I guess I'm open-minded.
I'm just looking for a girl
that doesn't have...
A gag reflex?
Come on, that was a good one!
Yeah, very good!
# I'm a little pimp
with my hair gassed back
# Pair of khaki pants
with my shoes shined black
# Got a little lady walk that street
# Telling all the boys
that she can't be beat. #
Hey.
I'm Tim.
You seem different to your photo.
Yeah. Maybe I'm a bit shorter.
It's just...
You didn't tell me
you were disabled.
I was hoping you wouldn't notice.
Oh, nice.
How long do I have to sit here?
It's not speed-dating.
You can leave any time.
Yeah, but so as I'm not being rude.
Because to be fair, I wasn't
expecting a disabled.
No, I'm not shocked. I actually went
out with a disabled guy once,
so I know how much a fucking pain
in the arse it is.
No!
Not feeling it.
But you liked my photo.
Do I look like I am in control
over whether I swipe right or left?
INAUDIBLE
Don't worry. I've got a friend
who's in a wheelchair, so...
Yeah, but I'm not in a wheelchair.
Wheelchairs turn me on.
SLURRED: So, what's...
What's your name? Tom?
Tim. Tim.
Ah. And what...
What is it you've got?
Is it... Is it cancer?
Yes, sure.
Why not?
Can you still do stuff?
Do you want to come home with me?
Fuck it, yeah. Why not?
I think this must be her address.
It's where all her deliveries go.
A lot of self-help books.
I'll get her home.
It's not my place to say anything,
but I think you can do better, mate.
It's cold out tonight.
Are you drawing me? Yeah, I am.
I kind of look like...
A young Mr Herbert from Family Guy?
Uh, no!
That's not... The right grain of
charcoal for the beard.
You're right.
You really know your stuff.
The bus is late.
Yeah, there's not been one for,
like, 30 minutes. Jesus.
I'd better go.
Shit, that sucks,
cos I've really got
to get back to...
Well, nothing really.
SHE GIGGLES
Do you want me to walk with you?
You know, just to...
Three hours later
than I need to be?
Oh, why not?
I'm Clara.
I'm Tim. Hi, Tim.
You know, the last girl probably
just thought you were pissed
and trying to fit in.
I gave up trying to fit in
a long time ago.
Anyway, this is me.
Thanks for the walk, Tim.
So...
Yeah.
I would love to... Ask me out?
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was coming.
Uh...
How... How do you feel
about art exhibitions?
I love art exhibitions.
What about fucking tailboards?
They're, like, the best.
Cool. What are you doing
tomorrow night?
Timmy, why can't Mommy meet
your new hottie,
your future wife, your baby mama?
Oh, pretty much because of
everything you just said.
But I'm so excited for you.
Do you think she'll put out?
Let's just take it slow, Mom.
Look, I'm just trying to help.
You're going to wear your shoes,
aren't you? Mom!
I know how to be around girls.
Tim, your mum's just clearly
looking out for you, aren't you?
Just making sure that
if you did want to share an
intimacy with a lady...
Who uses the phrases like
"intimacy with a lady"?
Have you ever had sex, Idris?
I beg your pardon? Yeah.
I've... I've done stuff. Yeah.
Don't you worry about that.
And both sorts of stuff.
Both sorts?
Well, I'll have to say, Tim, this
Clara does sound very nice.
She fucking is.
I don't want either of you
to fuck this up for me.
I'm going to woo Clara,
so keep this shit out.
Where is the exhibition, sweetie?
Oh, you just go down the street
and mind your own goddamn business.
# Yo, yo, yo, what a night
# New York City
Heard it going down
# Friday night, midnight
# Atlantic City, slot machines
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding
# When they ring off, lock the doors
# That's when Ghost just g'd off
# Cigars, Paisley robes
# Four bitches guarding me safely
as we walk to the window
# The cashier was scared
She asked for my info
# The manager arrived
with two guards... #
ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Well...
HE SIGHS
Well... Kiefer,
I don't have time for this.
No-one has time for this.
Well, if it isn't the guy
with the biggest micro penis
I've never seen.
How many double negatives is that?
Couldn't stay away, could you?
My exhibition evokes the true
experience of suffering
with cerebral palsy.
It does in a way,
because it's fucking awful.
Oh, well, I wouldn't say it was
world class and groundbreaking,
but it's nice of you to say it.
Oh, my God, I didn't.
How much of this shit
is pre-programmed?
You know what?
It doesn't matter,
cos I'm here with my date Clara.
Clara?
She looks like she
loves a bit of Kiefer.
No, actually, this was on
her bucket list.
And by that I mean
that list of things
that make her want to be
sick in a bucket.
Hi, Tim. Hello.
These are quite good.
They're evocative.
I wouldn't put them on my fridge
and my fridge is fucking disgusting!
Oh, really? Yeah.
Do you not think there's, like,
a...perspicacity to them?
Yes.
If that word means shit.
You're... There he is! Oh, my God.
Fuck! I knew you made a mistake
and it was tonight in Shoreditch,
not next Tuesday in Brighton,
like you said.
How did you even know
where to find me?
When he said it was an exhibition by
an artist with cerebral palsy,
there's only one
causing a five-star buzz.
I mean, it's not like you've got
an exhibition, is it?
Hi. You must be hot Clara?
Oh...
I think the "hot" is silent.
Sorry, I didn't mean to objectify
you sexually.
It's my third least favourite way
of being objectified.
Oh, God. Just so don't make another
mistake, what are first two?
I'm joking! Oh, God.
I told him to practise
talking to women.
She didn't.
Hi. Idris.
Please tell me my mom isn't here.
No.
She's... She's just paying
for the cab.
I've got to go and hide.
Nice ass.
So, where's your little lady friend?
Oh, she's in the toilet.
That's exactly where I'm headed.
That little shit Idris introduced
me to the British shepherd's pie.
The shit's going right through me.
Oh, lovely.
Well, I'll stand guard.
MUSIC PLAYS
So...
We could get out of here.
Ten more minutes.
I just bought something.
You know, there is a really
impressive brain at work here.
Really? Mm-hm.
Actually, do you want to meet him?
Wow. That'd be great.
Do you know him?
Oh, yeah.
All cerebral palsies
know each other!
I cannot wait for you to meet him.
Hi. Sorry. Excuse me.
I've just been saying how much
I'm enjoying your exhibition.
I paint myself, but I'm just
an amateur, really, though, so...
Every trained artist
was once an amateur.
That's really kind of you.
Every child is an artist.
The problem is how to remain
an artist when we grow up.
Jesus. Yeah.
The principles of true art
is not to portray
but to evoke.
Art enables us to find ourselves
and lose ourselves.
So fucking lose yourself.
Tim, that's rude.
This is so fucking bullshit.
He just downloaded the quotes from
the internet.
Cerebral palsy represents
as both light and shade.
To truly see its limitation
and possibilities
is to present it as both
two- and three-dimensional space.
No, it doesn't!
Tim, I think Kiefer knows what he's
talking about.
No, he doesn't. Yes, he does.
Please. Sorry.
Safari cannot connect
to the internet.
I went behind the bar and turned
the Wi-Fi off.
Safari cannot... Safari cannot
connect to the internet.
See the true Kiefer now?
If they made a film about Tim,
it would not be My Left Foot.
It would be
Tim's Right Hand Wanking.
I'll use my left foot to
kick your ass!
Oh, yeah? Yeah, you piece of shit.
I'll fucking beat your legs
into scrambled eggs!
I'll beat you till your voice works!
I'll kick your ass so hard your mom
will end up in the hospital!
Everyone, this is want just
performance art,
so enjoy it!
Right, stop! Please stop.
Sorry, Clara.
Oh, you're Clara?
Why you little minx, you!
Welcome to the fam...
I don't ever want
to see you again, Tim.
Well, that's what I said
when I first saw him,
but then you grow to just adore him.
Hey, Cuntarella,
would you take 500 bucks
to bang him?
And performance art...scene!
# Hold tight, count to three
Gotta stay close by me
# And hold tight, sing and shout
# Just ride my roundabout
# And hold tight, shut your eyes
# Girl, you suit me for size
# Forget these other guys
# You'll never fall
# Each time you call
# Hold tight, hold tight
Hold tight... #