Jena Friedman: American Cunt (2016) - full transcript

[music]

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together

and give some love

and energy to Jena Friedman.

[applause and cheering]

Thank you guys.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you guys so much

for coming out to American Cunt



[applause and cheering]

Thank you.

I've done this show quite a bit

and when I first wrote it

I didn't realize what

an offensive word it is.

American.

[laughter]

It's such an offensive word

in every other country

that I've done this show,

American is a more

offensive word.

In the UK, cunt is



a term of endearment.

But here it's

a very loaded word.

But why, we have such

a beautiful literary tradition

with the word cunt.

Shakespeare used the word cunt,

Chaucer, James Joyce,

D.H. Lawrence,

Samuel Beckett,

so many great men...

[laughter]

..throughout history

have used the word cunt,

and I'm sure women

would have too,

if we were taught how to read.

[laughter]

I have no allegiance
to the word cunt,

I'm not trying to reclaim it,

I don't identify as a cunt.

If anything I identify

as a New Yorker,

any New Yorkers in the house?

[cheering]

Awesome.

For those of you
who aren't we are I guess

Like a level of cunt.

Just 'cause of what it takes

to live here, it's so hard.

The other night I got my first

up-skirt photo of the season.

I was walking on Broadway,

a guy came up behind,

snapped a photo up my skirt,

and it happened so fast
by the time I realized

What he had done
he was halfway down the block

And I just wanted

to scream at him

but I couldn't think
of what to say

Other than, pay me.

[laughter]

80 bucks.

Or venmo.

In my 20's I would

have chased him down

but now I just want to get paid

[laughter]

About a year ago,

the place across the street

from where I used

to live exploded.

The Super was syphoning gas,

the whole building

went up in flames,

the place I used

to get foot massagees

burnt to the ground.

I say massagees because

he was a hand-job place.

But they gave

the best foot massages

because they were so happy

it wasn't a dick.

[laughter]

They still did it like this

but they were so happy my foot

was not a dick,
you know, I was so happy,

My foot, we were all just,

you know, life's little joys.

But I was lamenting

the loss of this place

to a friend of mine

who told me about a massage

parlor his friend went to.

And his friend was lying

on the table getting a massage

and he got a boner

and the masseuse saw it

and she said do you want a wank

and he was like,

yeah a little.

So then she leaves

and he's just lying

on the table

with an erection

for like ten minutes
waiting for her to come back,

And finally she does

and she says, are you finished?

[laughter]

It's like, what a feminist

hand-job place.

I hope she charged

for that time.

Feminism.

It's so trendy now

and it scares me.

And the one person who laughs

at the word feminism.

The least funny word

you could say onstage.

It's so trendy now

and it scares me

when words become trendy
because I think

They become more open

to corruption and like,

there's so many
new flavors of feminism

It's just hard to keep up,

there's sex positive feminism,

which if you don't know
is a really cool term

For women who love anal.

[laughter]

Male feminists, are there any
male feminists in the audience?

[applause]

Thank you, I love you guys,

I love male feminists,

I just wish you
could support us

Without having to take

credit for it.

Love male feminists.

I'm getting older now,
I feel great though,

I still fit into

my 9/11 jeans.

I never forget how good

I looked in those,

the weapons of mass seduction.

These aren't those,
don't get weird,

These are from,

I think, Katrina.

They're still wet.

I have all these questions

about getting older as a female

Like, how am I

supposed to catch cabs

once I become invisible?

[laughter]

I know we shouldn't make fun

of women over 60,

there could be some here,

but how would we know?

You can't see them.

I was just in Los Angeles

pitching a script.

It's kind of like
the Sixth Sense

But about a man

who sees women

over 60 as attractive,

and they were all like,

too high concept.

What's a woman over 60

and it's like, oh LA, ah.

We have them in New York
it's just hard to tell

Because of what New York City

does to all women,

the wear and tear, the elements

that get thrown in our faces,

bodily fluids and like air

conditioning unit jiz

that gets,

all of it just after

a certain point

all just makes us look like

we eat out of a trash can.

[laughter]

Women are my target demo,

we just don't know it yet

'cause we're taught

to hate each other.

But I think we can be

best friends,

as long as we don't have

the same color hair.

Be like Tina and Amy

hosting the Golden Globes.

And I think we need to do
a better job

At supporting each other.

That's what I'm talking about,

like right ladies?

[applause and cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

I think we need to do
a better job

At supporting each other
'cause we suck at it

And I realized this after

last year's London Marathon,

there is a runner,

her name is Kiran Gandhi,

she ran the whole marathon

while on her period,

with no tampon

or pad or anything.

I think she was trying to raise

awareness about periods.

It's like half the population
already kind of gets it

But you be you.

I support you Kiran.

She got a lot of shit for that.

But I think as women, and men,

we need to get behind her.

Not literally 'cause

that would be a mess

but, I think

she's onto something.

Like if we want workplace

equality we can't just lean in,

we have to bleed out.

Seriously, seriously,

if you walk into

your boss' office

with blood on your person,

you might get that raise.

You'll definitely

get that office.

He'll be like, take it, ugh,

I'm out of here.

I think the best way

to age gracefully as a woman

is to have been born a man.

[laughter]

Which brings me

to Caitlin Jenner.

She is fair game now that she's

come out in support of Ted Cruz

I want to be PC
when I talk about Caitlin,

Like is it not politically

correct to assume Caitlin

might be a bad driver,

if it was

Bruce who committed

vehicular manslaughter.

Not Caitlin, God forbid no,

but Bruce Jenner,

a lot of people don't recall,

Bruce Jenner ran over

a 69 year old woman

and was never prosecuted.

In his defense,
he might not have seen her.

[laughter]

We have one of our first

openly trans female athletes

and her name is Fallon Fox

and she is an MMA fighter

and she's killing it.

'Cause she's beating up women.

[laughter]

Hey I support her,

I support you Fallon,

I support her, it takes ball...

it takes a lot of courage

to do what she's doing,

I support you Fallon,

my only question is,

could you have picked

any other sport?

Literally, every other sport

doesn't involve attacking women

and like, I'm insensitive,

and it's not like she was

an MMA fighter

and then transitioned.

No, she transitioned

and was like,

what will I be great at?

[laughter]

I don't want to be insensitive,

but maybe that's who I am.

Maybe I'm an insensitive person

trapped in a woman's body.

It's so hard to talk

about gender identity

with sensitivity and nuance

so we just don't.

We just don't
even talk about it.

What we're doing though
is we're like,

Canceling shows

and silencing people.

Mount Holyoake,

a woman's college,

Mount Holyoake recently
canceled a performance

Of The Vagina Monologues

because they felt the term

vagina was too narrow a view

of what it means to be a woman

and I'm like, it stretches,
but also.

[laughter]

Don't make me,

don't make me defend

The Vagina Monologues.

What a shitty show.

I spent a decade as a comedian

working my butt off

to not say vagina onstage,

but now that it's being taken

away from me I'm like, vagina.

It's so hard
to talk about this stuff

And I blame

the estrogen supplements.

I'm not talking
about transwomen.

I'm not talking
about transwomen,

I'm talking about myself,

a cisgender woman.

Take it or take it,

better than the other C word.

I was on the pill

for two weeks in my twenties.

And it made me bat shit insane.

Estrogen makes all women,

cis and trans, insane.

It doesn't make us

kill people like testosterone.

[laughter]

It doesn't make us punch a wall

'cause we stubbed our toe

you fucking mammals.

But it makes us
all a little nuts.

And I think the larger issue is

I've always had the privilege

to never have to question

my own gender identity.

So now that I am,
I guess that there

Is another option besides

being a woman I'll take it.

Gender neutral, gender fluid,

two spear,

whatever that is can probably

drive in Saudi Arabia.

On the bright side,
I don't think

There's any better time

or place

to be a woman than in the

global north in 2016.

But then I think

about the American South

and it breaks my heart,

but it's also
my favorite portion of the show

[laughter]

The abortion portion.

The abortion portion.

I have so many abortion jokes.

Hey they just
keep writing themselves,

But I think the best thing

about abortion jokes

is that no one tries

to steal them.

They are like the unwanted

children of jokes.

And I don't think abortion

is even a political issue

as much as it

is a branding issue.

In Texas for example,
if instead of abortion

If we just called

it fetus hunting.

They would be so excited

to take the kids

to Planned Parenthood

and go fetus hunting

on the weekends.

Same with Florida,

if we called abortion

early retirement,

done and done you know?

Alabama.

I have one for every state.

If in Alabama if we called

abortion the death penalty,

the whole state
would vote for it.

The whole state

would vote for it.

Alabama's state bird

is the electric chair.

Is anyone here from Alabama?

It's a trick question,

they don't fund public transit

so it's very hard to leave.

It's very hard to get out.

There's a war on women going

on in our country.

Planned Parenthood's

getting attacked left and right

getting accused

of selling baby parts,

it's like, please,

first of all they're not baby
parts it's fetal tissue

And second of all,

they're not selling them,

they're practically
giving them away.

[laughter]

I get in a lot of trouble

for my abortion jokes.

After Antonin Scalia passed

away I took to Twitter,

because that's how I grieve,

and I Tweeted, now that's what

I call a late-term abortion.

It was too soon,

it was lightning fast but.

I got a lot of shit for that,

a lot of people Tweeting at me,

telling me they wish

I had been aborted.

Yeah. And it just

warmed my heart.

Because at least
they're coming around.

[laughter]

Thank you.

[applause]

Thank you.

It's like if you want me

to have been aborted
maybe the zygote

Of a pregnant teen

isn't so far behind.

What bothers me most about

abortion laws in the states

is that they are not

based on science.

In Virginia for example,
if you want to get an abobo in.

[laughter]

Do you guys call it an abobo?

No one does.

If you want to get

an abobo in Virginia,

they make you get an ultrasound

they show you

a photo of the fetus,

and then they send you away
to deliberate on it

For like 24 hours or 48 or 72

until it's crowning.

Where's the science to that?

Where's the science that says

showing me a photo of my fetus

is going to make me want

to keep it, they're not cuddly.

It's like Republican lawmakers,

and I should say
Right Wing lawmakers

Because by the time
this special airs

That Party
may no longer exist but.

[laughter]

Right Wing lawmakers.

Conservative lawmakers.

If you want me to keep a child,

I respect your choice

to not resect mine,

but at least sell me on it.

Don't show me
a photo of a fetus,

Show me a photo of something
that resonates,

Like maybe a photo of myself

in 60 years

trying to walk down

a flight of stairs alone.

[laughter]

Any moms in the audience?

[applause]

Thank you for coming out

and abandoning your kids,

thank you.

Thank you moms.

I love moms.

I'm such a fangirl of moms.

When I was young
I'd just follow one around

All the time in a van.

Love moms.

Especially single moms,

single moms are like, so Indy.

They're so DIY.

[laughter]

Working moms, oh working

moms are so bad ass,

it's like saying Chai tea,

two words that mean
the same thing.

[laughter]

My friend just had a kid

and I asked her how it went

and she said,
to tell you the truth Jena,

He almost gave me a vaganus.

I was like, what's a...?

What? That's a thing,

it's called a four 30 tear,

a child can literally

rip you a new asshole.

We don't know about this cause

if we did we'd become extinct.

But a child can literally

rip you a new asshole

and then, you have to love it?

And if you leave it in a car
for two minutes

You can go to jail,

that's so messed up.

I've never been to jail,

'cause I'm smart.

Just kidding,
it's 'cause I'm white.

[laughter]

I hope you're not clapping

'cause you're white.

It's so hard for a white woman

in 2016 to go to jail

that we have a TV show

about the one time it happened.

It's hard to get a TV show,
sometimes

It feels like you literally

have to have two heads

to get a TV show in America.

Have you guys seen that show,

Abby and Brittany, on TLC?

For those of you
who don't know TLC

Is like a modern-day

Ripley's Believe It or Not.

And there's a show,
Abby and Brittany,

About conjoined twins,

two heads, one body,

if they'd called it that it

would have gotten cancelled.

It wasn't actually cancelled

it was postponed indefinitely

because you can't exploit
people and then cancel them,

It's kind of bad PR.

But the reason
I bring up Brittany and Abby

Is because they're the most
confident women I've ever seen.

If I had two heads

I'd be very insecure,

I'd probably just grow my hair
really long

And take turns hiding in it.

But they are out there,

living life to the fullest,

they're going on dates,

they're turning down men,

they make me want

to have two heads,

just as a writer,

to have someone

to bounce ideas off of.

[laughter]

To have someone around
who knows me and gets me

And could give me

good life advice.

Like, Jena, stop dating jerks.

But would jerks even date me

if I had two heads?

Probably not. It's like

a pretty nice guy move.

A jerk might like,
fuck both my mouths

And not take me to brunch.

[laughter]

Jerks.

Brittany and Abby
are the most confident women

I've ever seen in my life

and I think they hold the key

to how we need

to raise all girls,

to instill within

the the confidence

to be able to handle

whatever life throws at them,

we need to raise our girls as

if they were born

with multiple heads.

Looks don't matter,

what counts is up here.

But we don't do that,
what do we do?

We give our girls Barbies,

we give our daughters Barbies.

Now we have Barbies

without thigh gaps.

Mattel recently issued

a new line of Barbies

without thigh gaps,

it's like come on,

if you have a chubby daughter

don't give her chubby Barbie,

strap her to a treadmill

and make her chase it.

It's not a fat joke.

It's not a fat joke, it's just

a window into how I was raised.

Worse case scenario

she ends up a comedian.

But we don't do that, we give

boys action figures you know,

and it's like we're never
going to achieve equality

As long as boys get action

figures and girls get like,

sedentary sex dolls

without holes.

[laughter]

It's so weird how we market

to girls and women,

like I was walking down
the street the other day

And this guy came up to me,

and he said I never do this,

but I think you're cute and

I'd like to get your number.

And he wasn't really my type

but I didn't want to discourage
his romantic gesture,

So I said how about my email?

And he was like, no,

your number or nothing,

and I was like, nothing dude,

like I don't even know you,

and so he just walked away.

And I was like
what type of person

Would only want my phone number

and not my email?

And then it occurred to me,

a telemarketer.

Okay, even if that guy

wasn't a telemarketer,

I would not put it past

any company in 2016

to just hire random dudes

to chat up women

on the street,

get our phone numbers

and all of a sudden
you have like a text popping up

From Brian that's really just

like an ad for Nussa yogurt.

And then next thing you know,

the guy you've been sleeping

with for three months

is really just part

of Nestle's street team

trying to get you pregnant

so that you'll buy

their infant formula.

So ladies, practice safe sex

so that Nestle

doesn't creep into your womb.

[laughter]

This joke has been

brought to you by Trust Issues.

They're real and I have them.

I was talking

to a male comedian recently.

Oh, now we're all quiet.

Shush. What did he have to say?

I was talking
to a male comedian recently,

He said I feel so bad for women

it seems so hard to be you guys

you guys will just
drop everything

If you meet someone you love,

you'll just drop

your careers for love.

He's not entirely wrong,

I have female friends

who have put their careers

on pause to start a family,

'cause in America

we don't have paid leave,

but men aren't that different.

You guys might not

drop your careers for love,

but you'll fuck it up

for a sex crime.

[laughter]

Which brings me to Cosby.

I don't want to joke

about Bill Cosby

because to this day

he remains one of my

favorite anesthesiologists.

Everyone's always like,

Bill Cosby's such
a great storyteller,

It's like, we see that now,

but also a pretty

exceptional anesthesiologist.

I mean that many women,

to be able to put

that many women to sleep

and make sure that they woke

up without any med school,

without any training.

Some of you might be thinking

did they all wake up?

I don't know, that's not
for a comedian to figure out,

But if any of you work

for the news, get on it.

I'm not a statistician but they
probably didn't all wake up.

[laughter]

People don't like jokes

about dead people, okay now.

Part of me wonders is it too

late to joke about Bill Cosby

'cause he's been

in the news for so long,

but he keeps being in the news
'cause women

Keep coming out in pairs,

like we go to the bathroom,

accusing him of rape,

and women are going
to keep coming out

Because it's very scary

for women

to come out and admit
to the world

That they were born before 1980

[laughter]

I don't even tell people

my age anymore, I just say

I'm younger than the amount

of women Cosby's raped.

Which puts me under 60,

who's counting?

He blocked me on Twitter.

Whoa.

>> Thanks, he blocked me
on Twitter recently,

I was upset about it,

it actually made me

a little sad,
I took it personally

But I was like,
don't take it personally,

You know blocking women,

silencing women

is just his version of foreplay

Silencing women is Bill

Cosby's version of foreplay.

I want to take this moment
to thank the guys

In the audience

for not silencing me,

for not blocking me,

for being here.

Men, thank you for being here,

thank you for listening
to me guys,

Give yourselves a round

of applause, just the men.

[applause]

Just the men, you can do it,

come on men.

Men thank you so much

for listening to me.

I know I only have
a couple of years left.

I love men.

One of my best friends is a man

I love men,

I try to date you guys,

and you're so bad at it

because you're so sensitive.

You guys are so fragile,

you're like little butterflies

of testosterone.

I want to start dating women
but I'm not attracted to women

So how do I go about that?

Do I just start

with men shorter than me?

Look that was not
in the show originally,

That joke was not in the show,

but then I got

some reviewers saying,

you know she's edgy,

she pulls no punches,

and I was like,
you want to know what's edgy?

Not AIDs, rape, Ebola, abortion

taking about men

shorter than me.

'Cause that is

the last frontier.

You do not joke about short men

You do not joke about short men

A., 'cause that's who runs shit

[laughter]

And B.,

I look to the women for support
and you can't laugh

'cause that's who

you're here with.

Those are the keepers.

Those are the keepers and look,

don't feel bad

for short guys okay?

Boohoo. Being born

with the will to succeed.

I actually don't

see gender okay?

I don't see gender.

Once it's below my eye line

I just, I don't see it.

But I hear gender a lot,

especially now
that the election's coming up,

I hear gender so much.

Part of the reason

I like the word cunt is

because there's no male

equivalent to the word cunt,

but it's not even the worst

of the words.

Bitch is way worse than cunt,

because if you call
someone a cunt

It's on you
or using that language,

If you call someone a bitch,

she's a bitch.

Right, I mean

she's probably a bitch.

And the one word that's worse

than bitch is, any guesses?

>> Slut.
>> Crazy.

>> Dyke.
>> Thank you.

[laughter]

Someone said it,

someone's homophobic, no.

Crazy.

Crazy is the worst word

you can call a woman

because it's just dismissive,

it mutes her, it denies

that bitch a voice.

Men will call women crazy

for the silliest things,

like if we text too much.

Men call women crazy

if we text too much.

But then men can chop off heads

and blow up entire cities

and what do we call them?

Terrorists.

A state.

Is anyone in here from ISIS?

[laughter]

It seems very hard

to be a woman in ISIS.

Just the lack

of leadership positons.

Very little upward mobility.

If you want to blow yourself up

as a Jihadista,

or Jihadette,

I don't know the PC term.

I don't know the PC term

for female Jihadist but,

if you want to blow

yourself up as a Jihadista,

you have to get

permission from a man.

That's real,

there's a glass burka...

in pieces.

I know some of you are thinking

that would make it see-through

but just go with it.

It seems very hard for them.

After the Paris attacks

there was a Jihadian

who was blown up,

the French police

were looking for her cousin,

they knocked on her door,

they said we know
your boyfriend's in there.

She said, he's not my boyfriend

and then she was blown up.

Her last words were,

he's not my boyfriend.

I was like, sing it sister but.

The New York Post,

bastion of journalism,

covered her the next day,

and they actually

called her a skank.

The headline was,

Skanky Suicide Bomber used

to be Selfie-talking

Party Animal.

They took pictures of her

partying from her Facebook page

and posted them online,

they said her

nickname was Cowgirl

'cause all the guys

used to ride her,

they slut-shamed a terrorist.

The one woman

you could call crazy

and get away with it,

uh, women cannot have it all.

[laughter]

As a person I get it,

she sucked, I get it.

But, as a feminist,

I find it kind of problematic.

Cat's out of the bag,

I'm a feminist,

I support equality,

I know it's kind of edgy

but I support equality.

What I don't support are people

who just duck out
of that conversation

Because they're not feminists,

rather they are humanists.

Sorry I'm not going

to weigh on feminism

because I'm a humanist,

it's like really?

Really? I'll be a humanist when

we're being chased by machines.

[laughter]

It's the same people

who are like, all lives matter.

First of all they don't.

[laughter]

Second of all they won't

until black lives matter,

why is that not okay to you,

why can't black lives matter?

It's like, I'll give you

all lives

are getting shot, hashtag,

it's not as catchy.

But all lives are getting shot.

Everybody's getting shot,

everybody short of NRA lobbyist

are getting shot,

there are so many mass

shootings in 2016

we should just start

calling them shootings,

it's like why waste words when

we don't have time on our side?

But when you hear
about a shooting,

You can pretty much assume it

involves a butt load of people,

we'll just call those shootings

everything else

we'll call niche shootings.

Niche, niche, niche shootings.

Niche shootings.

Niche shootings.

Artisanal shootings.

Single origin.

Locally grown.

Probably involved
an improv tea

And a musket in

Brooklyn shootings.

I'm very optimistic

about gun control though.

I am very hopeful for the state

of gun control in our country,

and what gives me hope

is the LGBTQ movement,

the gay rights movement,

because that movement,

in just such

a short amount of time,

has shifted our consciousness

in such a progressive,

wonderful direction,

and I think it's because we all

have empathy for that cause,

we all know someone who's gay,

we've all loved

someone who's bi.

[laughter]

We all know someone who's gay,

we've all loved

someone who's bi.

We all have understanding

of that struggle,

we have empathy for that cause.

So in terms of gun control
it's just going to take

A little bit of time

for us to all know

someone who's been shot.

I give it a couple of months.

But I have hope.

The reason I'm even
talking about guns

Is because guns

are a woman's issue.

Where there are more guns,

more women die,

guns are the second
most dangerous thing

You could have in a house,

the only thing more dangerous

than guns, men.

67 percent of murders

are caused by guns,

90 percent of murders

are caused by men.

Come on you guys.

Look I'm not anti-men,

I just think we need
a little men control.

[applause and cheering]

Help us out.

Not all men hashtag,

not all men.

Just need a little men control,

maybe spike your Axe

body spray with Oxytocin.

Just some commonsense

regulations.

Not all men,

hashtag not all men.

Just some men.

Some loaded men.

Loaded men can be

very dangerous or,

men who want you to think
they're loaded which

Is why they don't release
their tax returns.

[cheering]

On that note.

How are you guys feeling

watching America

slip into fascism?

You guys okay?

Is anyone here voting for Trump

It's a free country.

It won't be.

It won't be if he wins.

Remember when it was funny?

Remember when Donald Trump
was funny,

Just saying his name

was a punchline?

All the Tweets, all the jokes.

Comparing him to Hitler like,

Donald Trump's

got nothing on Hitler.

Donald Trump's

nothing like Hitler,

what's Trump ever done

to support female directors?

And then we started to see that

he's kind of like Hitler,

people are saluting him

like Hitler,

he's Tweeting out

anti-Semitic propaganda

like Hitler,

the only difference is that like

Hitler served in his military.

[laughter]

Noise. Best heckle ever.

The scariest thing about Trump

isn't that he might win,

it's that in a way

he already has.

He has shifted us

so far to crazy.

He's exposed a vulnerability

in our nation

that hasn't been exposed

since 9/11.

Callback.

[laughter]

He has exposed

a vulnerability in our nation

that we haven't seen

since 9/11.

I'm not comparing him

to Bin Laden.

Well.

When you think about it,

both did use their

daddy's money

to fuck up New York's skyline.

[applause and cheering]

I don't want to talk
about Trump too much

Because he's a narcissist

and I think the best way

to defeat a narcissist

is to just ignore them.

If New York dating

has taught me anything.

That was just like women

groaning, uh.

I think the best way

to get rid of a narcissist

is to just ignore them.

But I will say this.

If any of you,

or anybody watching on Fios

if any of you are planning

to vote for Donald Trump,

when you step into that booth

on November 9th.

[laughter]

When you step into that booth

on Wednesday, November 9th.

Write that down.

Trump supporters,

Wednesday, November 9th,

when you step into that booth,

just think,

do you really want
somebody so impulsive

To have the nuclear codes,

because if he has them
we all will,

They'll just be T-R-U-M-P.

And look I don't blame Trump,

narcissism is
a medical disorder,

I don't blame him,

I blame the media
for using him as click bait,

I blame us for not

taking him seriously,

I blame the GOP, Paul Ryan,

Marco Rubio, Satan.

By Satan I just mean

Ted Cruz but.

I'm afraid to say

his name three times.

Because he might appear.

I'm afraid to say

Ted Cruz's name three times

because he might show up

and we have, we're at capacity.

Ted Cruz hasn't gone away,

he just dropped out

to prepare for 2020,

like he'll be back
they always are,

He'll show up when you least

expect it like in the shower.

But part of me is like, should
not be joking about Cruz

Because when we joke about them

we normalize them

and we push them
into the mainstream

And then they corrupt
the mainstream,

So it's like should
we not be joking about Cruz,

Should we not be calling him

the Zodiac Killer?

That's a person

you're talking about.

Don't compare him to Ted Cruz.

I would actually, I would vote

for the Zodiac Killer

over Ted Cruz.

'Cause he's never tried

to shut down the government.

The worst thing about Ted Cruz

is that now,

I never thought I'd say this,

but he is more likable

than Trump.

I don't know how that happened

but I look at Ted Cruz

and I'm like, that guy stands

for something.

That guy's principled.

Sure his principles
are hastening the Apocalypse

So he can get back home to Hell

but at least it's something.

Trump is way scarier than Cruz

because we like Trump,

Trump is a reflection

of what we value in 2016,

Cruz doesn't have one.

But.

Cruz doesn't have a reflection.

But, Trump is a reflection

of what we value,

we value celebrity,

we listen to actors,

people paid to say

other people's words

are who we listen to.

Screw Amnesty International,

what does Anne

Hathaway have to say

about the decriminalization
of sex work?

She should know, 'cause she

played a prostitute in Les Mis?

No.

And look, I like Anne Hathaway,

I mean she's a brunette so,

she's cool but,

celebrities are worse and like,

reality stars are worse

because they don't have skills,

I'm like, I don't want to shit

on Kim Kardashian.

Unless she pays me.

[laughter]

I don't want to shit on Kim
or Kortney or Khloe

Or Kylie or Caitlin or.

Or Kendall or.

Or Rob.

Or Rob but,

we're choking on them.

We are choking on them,

every time you read
about a Kardashian,

Every time you see

a Kardashian on TV,

Boko Haram can kidnap

another Nigerian girl

because there's no political
will to stop them

Because we're all just

Googling Kim's ass.

I don't hate.

It's like, ha-ha,

where's the joke?

Ha-ha.

Bring back our girls 'cause

they're still missing, ha-ha.

Hashtag they're still

missing but,

I don't hate actors
or celebrities or,

I just think they're

destroying America.

They are. They actually

are if you think about it.

When did America

start to decline?

When the middleclass eroded.

Which was when?

And I should be careful
with rhetorical questions

'cause guys just answer.

[laughter]

America started to fall

when the middleclass eroded,

when we started giving

tax breaks to the rich

hoping that they would trickle
down to the poor.

The year was 1980,

when we elected an actor

to be President

of the United States of America

and thanks to Reaganomics

and a trail of poverty

and disenfranchisement

it left in its place,

a golden-haired hydra

has just blown up

the whole party.

I'm thinking about
this a lot more now

Because I have a niece

and I have a nephew.

And I am terrified

as to the America

and the world
that they are going to inherit,

And we didn't even
get to global warming.

[laughter]

I'm terrified as to the world
that they're going to inherit,

More my niece 'cause my nephew
he's a little white dude,

You can just like drop them
on their heads

And they end up President Bush.

But with my niece, you have to

be so careful with little girls

how we talk to them.

It's not okay to tell
little girls that they're cute.

It's not PC to tell them
that they're cute,

We're supposed to tell them

that they're smart.

But my niece
is three months old,

I don't know if she's smart.

[laughter]

What if she's an idiot?

But I tell her that she's smart

and she grows up

to have a false sense
of confidence,

That is way more dangerous

than an eating disorder.

I would rather a hundred girls

grow up

to be women with

low self-esteem

than just one grow up

to be Sarah Palin.

[laughter]

Thanks.

And I can't even call her

a cunt anymore

'cause she's

no longer threatening.

But there was a point

in American history

where Sarah Palin

was almost a heartbeat away

from being President

of the United States,

and if that is not

a warning sign

to what's going on now,

or a sign of a broken system,

I don't know what is.

And I think part of the reason

our system's broken,

besides the fact

that democracy's an illusion,

is that what it takes
to get elected

Is the opposite of what it take
to be a good leader.

What it takes to get elected
is likability.

What it takes to be

a good leader is being a...

Cunt.

Bingo.

What it takes to get elected
is likability,

What it takes to be

a good leader is being a cunt.

Which brings me to Hillary.

[cheering and applause]

The one C word more offensive

to half of America

than cunt is Clinton

and that's not even

her real last name.

The one C word more offensive

to half of America

than cunt is Clinton.

Really quickly let's just

talk about cunt.

Let's just talk,

let's just talk you guys,

let's just talk about cunt

for a second.

What is a cunt?

It's just that part all women,

cisgender women have.

It's the birth canal, but also

the locust of female pleasure,

be it sexual or Presidential.

I'm not a biologist.

And why are we
so afraid of cunt,

We're so afraid, it's like,
is it because we all have PTSD

Because they were

the first place we escaped from.

They're not going

to suck us back in.

And now with Hillary,

America hates Hillary,

America hates Hillary Clinton.

It's not 'cause

she's a woman, right guys?

[laughter]

It's not 'cause

she's a woman right ladies?

Guys, ladies.

Why is it though?

It's because she's insincere,

inauthentic, boring.

What was that?
>> Her voice.

Her voice.

Unlikeable.

She lies.

She's a liar, shrill.

Sellout.

>> Sellout, all right,
all right.

America has more words

for why we hate Hillary

than Inuits have for snow.

But it's not 'cause

she's a woman right?

It's not 'cause she's a woman.

If you ask people
why they hate her,

They'll tell you it's cause

she's a bitch or a cunt

before they will ever tell you

it's because she's a woman.

So maybe we'll never know.

[laughter]

If only there was a way we could

gauge America's misogyny.

You'd have to construct

a social experiment.

Just go with me.

If you could have Hillary run

against the worst candidate

known to mankind,

so racist and so a threat

to national security

that even remotely moderate

racists wouldn't vote for him,

if you could get that guy

to run against Hillary,

then, and only then,

would you really get a sense

of what percent of America

would rather see

a Tweeting asteroid crash

into our democracy

than a woman lead it.

[applause]

Thank you.

This is all just hypothetical.

Wishful thinking.

A girl can dream.

Not too much.

Not too much.

Full disclosure, politics aside

I love Hillary.

I love Hillary Clinton.

I love her like
I love Lady Macbeth,

I just.

I love her, like whatever

unlikable female protagonist

Netflix throws my way,

I love Hillary Clinton.

And we give her a hard time,

we all have skeletons

in our emails.

Who hasn't killed a friend?

She's been accused

of killing 50 people

and she's still standing,

I mean come on,

for no other reason

that's pretty impressive.

And, okay, I felt

the Bern too okay?

Love Bernie too,
I felt the Bern

And then I just started
drinking cranberry juice

And peeing after sex

and it went away.

But I liked Bernie Sanders

a lot as well,

and if Bernie had been a young,

idealistic Senator
from Illinois

And it was 2008,

I would have

totally voted for him.

But we've already

had hope and change.

Now it's time for Hillary.

[laughter]

That should be her slogan.

We've already had hope

and change,

now it's time for Hillary.

Give uninspired a chance.

Sign up for Hillary.

Instead her slogan is,

I'm With Her.

She's not a rape victim.

Well, she might be.

One in six but.

Hillary's slogan should just

be come on you guys.

Am I the man or not?

I don't know
why I like her so much,

It's not 'cause she's

already been President.

For those of you who thought
Bill was President,

Uh, not after '98.

He was in the doghouse,

she was running that ship.

I think I like her because

I have brand loyalty

to Hillary Clinton,

she's the brand
that I grew up with,

She reminds me

of the Tampax tampons

in my mom's bathroom,

those rayon-laded

1980s version of feminism.

Shoulder pads for your vagina.

The feminine hygiene product

for a man's world.

Never tested in a lab.

Hillary's tampons,

whereas Bernie's the diva cup.

I know a lot of the guys in here

might not know what that is.

It's okay, not everything

has to be explained to you.

[cheering and applause]

Hillary's tampon's,
Bernie's a diva cup,

He may be better

for the environment,

he may be better for my body,

but at the end of the day,

I don't want to get blood

on my hands.

And I think that's
what will happen

If we don't all get

behind not-Trump.

Bernie supporters,

I'm just guessing by the beards

Just call her not-Trump,

just call her not-Trump.

I'm sorry, I get it, Bernie did

a lot of great things

for this election,

pushing Hillary's politics

to the left,
I mean so with the wind,

But he did a lot

of really great things.

He did a lot of really

great things

and now it's time to just

let him rest in peace.

And I don't mean to talk

about Bernie like he's dead.

It's not 2018.

Feel the Bern.

Some of my dear friends
feel so upset

They're not voting
in this election.

And it kills me,
because Bernie or bust people

Fall into two categories,

dear friends of mine,

and people who bike

on the sidewalk.

Please stop biking

on the sidewalk,

you're going to
get us all killed.

Just get in the bike lane

like everybody else.

I'm sorry people

still drive cars,

I'm sorry that every lane
isn't a bike lane,

I wish every lane
were a bike lane

But that shit takes time.

When a fiery psychopath

is about to light

our democracy on fire

just bite the bullet

and give our daughters hope.

[laughter]

Please. Just think about it,

she's been through so much.

She's older now,

she's wiser now,

she has so much experience,

she's been through

multiple wars.

I'm talking about America.

Who better to lead her

through the twilight

of her global supremacy

than Hillary Clinton?

Or any woman over 60.

Any remotely

progressive woman over 60.

Just think about it
strategically, diplomatically,

Think about all the meetings

they'd be able to eavesdrop on.

If no one could see them.

Women over 60 should

run the world.

Or not. I don't even know

why I'm thinking about this.

It's not like I vote.

I'm actually not even political

[laughter]

I just pretend to be so that

people will think I'm young.

Because nothing makes you

look younger than thinking

you can make a difference.

[applause and cheering]

Thank you guys so much.

[music]

[music]