Jeff, Who Lives at Home (2011) - full transcript

Jeff, at 30, lives in his mom's basement, unemployed, looking for signs about what to do with his life. He answers a wrong-number call for "Kevin". Later, on a bus, he sees someone wearing a jersey with "Kevin" on the back. Jeff follows him. Meanwhile, Jeff's brother, Pat, a tone-deaf salesman, upsets his wife by buying a Porsche they cannot afford; Pat runs into Jeff soon after and they see Pat's wife with another man. At her job, Jeff and Pat's mom receives e-mails from a secret admirer; she tries to figure out who it is. Misunderstandings, errors, and confrontations abound. A backup on the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway brings things to a head.

I watched Signs again last night.

It keeps getting better
every time I see it.

It's funny.

The first time you watch it,
it's hard to understand what it's about.

It just sort of meanders.

And then, everything comes together
in this one perfect moment at the end.

And when you watch it a second
or a third or a fourth time,

you start to see that
all of this randomness

is leading towards a perfect moment.

My favorite character is the little girl.

Everyone thinks she's so strange

because she can't finish
a glass of water.

She's convinced they're contaminated.

So, by the end of the film,

there are glasses of water
littered around this house.

And then, it's the water that saves them.

And that was fate.

I can't help but wonder about my fate.

About my destiny.




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Yo, Kevin.

No, this is Jeff.

Where Kevin at?

I don't know.

Oh, man, look, don't be fucking around!

Where the fuck is Kevin?

Kevin doesn't live here.

There's always some motherfucker
trying to tell me there ain't no Kevin!

Let me put this word in your fucking
peanut brain, Kevin! K-E-V-I-N!


What are you doing?

Doing this.

Some strawbs,


A white rose of whipped cream. Bam!

Bon app?tit.

What's the special occasion?

This is one of those
"just because" breakfasts, you know?

It sounds corny,
but relationships are like flowers

and flowers need water to bloom.

Consider this sprinkling
from a watering can.

Well, thanks.

- That's nice.
- You're welcome. Enjoy.

Oh, my gosh.
I got some good news, actually.


I got a phone call from Randy.

Is he the guy
that we talked to at that barbecue?

Oh, no, that's a different Randy.

- But that guy's name was Randy, right?
- Yes.

I liked his wife.

Different Randy.

- We should have them over.
- Yeah.

This is Randy at Millennium Porsche.

Can I tell you something?

With no money down,
this thing is practically free.

Pat! No!

Whoa, whoa. Don't start with no.

- That's what this is.
- Don't start with no.

You're just, like, in this mindset.
And you're not even...

It's not a mindset.
We don't have the money.

That's the mindset I'm talking about.

Honey, look, I'm trying
to be really careful,

and I've cut back on some things.

And, like, we promised
we were going to get a house this year...

I'm just trying
to be a grown-up about this.


We got it.

This is happening.

Look... Everything you just
said about the house,

you know, our future,

you're exactly right.

And I'm so lucky to have you

looking out for us in that way.

But I'm looking out
for us in another way.

I'm looking out for...

That intangible thing
that every couple needs.

It's a little bit of magic,
and a little bit of danger, frankly.

This is gonna solve
a lot of our problems.

This tension right now.
As soon as you get in that thing

and you feel the energy

and you feel it rumble

in your gut.

If you don't get turned on,
you're made of stone.

Where is it?

It's in the driveway.

Are you... Is this...

Oh, come on. Okay, okay... That's...


- Mom?
- Jeff.


You know, you're supposed to say
"hello" when you pick up the phone.

Yeah, I know.

I thought that maybe
you were somebody else, but you're not.

What do you do in the basement?
You're not cleaning it.

You really want to know?

You didn't like it last time
we had this conversation.

Okay, no. You know what?
You're right. I don't.

Did you get the wood glue?

What are you talking about?

I left you a note on the kitchen counter.

I haven't been upstairs.

One of the shutters on the pantry
is broken and I need you to fix it.

You know what,
I'm kind of busy right now, so...

All I want for my birthday
is for you to get your ass off that couch,

and you get on the bus

- and you go to the Home Depot.
- I'm not on the couch.

You come home and fix the shutter
before I get home,

or you're gonna find
someplace else to live.

- Fine.
- Fine.

Good. You got it? Do you understand?

Yes, Mom! Okay!

Love you! Goodbye.

Did you hang up on me?

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Stop the bus.
Can you please stop the bus?

Sorry. Thank you.

Can I help you?

Can I help you, sir?



Pass the ball!

Go, go, go!

Shit, you a'ight?

Get your big ass up, man.

You bleeding and shit?

- He out, man.
- We need another person.

We need one!

You got next.

Who, him?

He gonna be a ref?

That's all we got. That's all we got.

Let's see what he got.

Let's go, dawg. Get out here.

Oh, he's passing now.

Right there, dawg.
What's your problem?

That's your man.

Why don't you play some D, man?

Right, right, right.

Hell, no!

You working on this? Come on, man.

Go, go, go, go.

I'm Jeff.




Is your name Kevin Kevin?


So, that's your first name
on your jersey?

Yeah, that's my name.


Do you live around here?

Yeah, I don't live far from here.

You obviously don't
live around here, though.

No, I was just strolling around today.

It was a nice day,
so I thought I'd walk around.

Were you following me, or...

No. I mean, no.

I saw you on the bus.

Let me explain.

Have you ever seen the movie Signs?

With Mel Gibson and Rory Culkin,
and Abigail Breslin?

Nah, I don't think I have.

I got a phone call this morning.

Someone was asking for Kevin.

But there's no Kevin who lives with me.

It's kind of a common name.

Yeah. I guess that's true.

I mean, you never got a call,

like someone called
the wrong house phone?

What if there's no wrong numbers?

Maybe it's always the right house phone.

Everything happens for a reason, right?

Exactly. No, that's exactly it.

Hey, man, I'm about to go
put something in the air real quick.

I don't know if you want to come.

I don't... I'm sorry...
I don't know what that means.

Smoke weed?

You want to smoke weed with me?

Yeah, man.

I like weed.

Yeah, I can see that.


It's nice in here.

- That's nice.
- Yeah.

Oh, shit. That's a treat.

Check his pockets!

Sorry, Jeff.

Marriage is a compromise.

She got what she wanted,
I'm living here in Baton Rouge.

So I get a little somethin'-somethin'.

- Right?
- Sure.


Thank you. You know what's up.

I got to take this... It's a business call.

Sweetheart, can I get another Bud Light.
Do you want more wings?


Fine. I will get glue and fix your shutter.

No. It is Jeff's responsibility.
That is the point.

He has to do it, not you.
Jeff has to do it.

Okay. What are you...
Why are you calling me?

Maybe you could get him
moving a little bit. Do you understand?

He's stuck, honey. He's stuck.

He's 30!

He had a difficult adolescent period.

You of all people would know neither of
us had a very easy adolescent period.

- You were older.
- What does that have to do with it?

When you're an adult, you take
responsibility for your life. Okay?

But you're brothers.
You love each other, don't you?

You know, fake it
for a little bit just to get... You know.

Maybe he'll grow on you.

We don't do that, Mom. We don't

spend time together.

Well, Pat, could you at least try?
It's my birthday.

I gotta call you back.

- No, no, no, Pat...
- Bye.

Damn it. Asshole.



What the hell are you doing here?

Kevin beat me up. I walked.

Who's Kevin?

Some kid I was following.

Well, if he's a kid,
how come you didn't kick his ass?

Because I don't believe in fighting, Pat.
And you know that.

Right. I forgot. You're a pussy.

Look, Mom called
and she's really pissed.

Was Gandhi a pussy?

Yeah, Gandhi was a pussy.

And once again,
I have to pick up your slack.

Well, it's not your problem.

Well, it becomes my problem

when Mom calls me
in the middle of a business meeting.

Yeah? You're having
a business meeting at Hooters?

Yeah. Yes.

That's very classy.

Right. Well, business is business.

So, come on. Get in the car.

Hey! You don't need to grab onto me.

I'm a little bit conflicted right now,
that's all.

About what?

You're just gonna make fun of me, man.

Let's go. Try me.

I want to learn how you think
because I want to free my mind.

Let me try to explain it to you maybe
in terms that you would understand.

- Okay.
- This morning

I was meant to have
a business meeting with the Kevins.

And destiny. And now you're here

at this weird Hooters thing...

And so now I'm just trying
to figure out how to proceed.

What you just said
sounded like Yoda took acid

and stumbled into a business meeting.

You can make all the fun of Yoda
that you want,

Yoda would be fucking killer
in a business meeting.

Whatever, man. Come on!
Let's go. Get in the Porsche.


Hey, I think your Porsche
got a ticket, Pat.

Shut up, Jeff. Just get in the car.

This Porsche is tiny.

The Porsche is normal-sized.
You're a sasquatch.

Are those workout gloves?

I don't think so.
They came with the car so...

Check this out. You see where those
cars are stopping up ahead?


I should probably stop
pretty soon, right?

Pat, slow down.

What? I can't hear you!
Bose surround sound!

Hey, stop it, dude. This is not funny.

- Count to three and I'll stop.
- Pat, please stop.

Count of three! One! Two!

- Pat, look out!
- Three!

Curb! Curb!

Shit! Yes!

Will you please stop the car?

It handles better at high speeds!

- Stop the car!
- Shut up!

Tree! Tree!



Wow. Yeah, that's real bad.

Oh, shit.

What the fuck?

He looks mad.

Are you on drugs?

How many beers have you had?

Shut up, Jeff. Shut up.

Did you not see that damn tree?

Whatever you do, don't say a word.
Stay in the fucking car.

I am fine, yes. Thank you for asking.

Burt, should we call an ambulance?

Hi. There was a pedestrian child

in the street
and in order to avoid killing it,

I had to swerve
and maneuver onto your sidewalk,

at which point I lost control
of my vehicle

and I've hit your tree here.

We can see that.
Do you think we're blind?

No. Of course not.
I just would like to apologize.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine. Just a little stunned.

I think that one's hurt.
Maybe we should call the police.

He's fine. He's okay.

That child?s not moving.

Ma'am, he's okay.
Jeff, will you get out of the car?

Yeah. Get out of the car.

Show her that you're fine.

See? Live and limber.

- Baby, are you sure you're all right?
- Look at that.

- I am fine, thank you.
- Look at that. Good as new.

You remind me of my grandson.

Is his name Kevin, by any chance?

Brian, why?

No reason, ma'am.

Do you think there's any way that you
and I can take care of this ourselves?

I really don't want to hang out here
all afternoon with the cops.

I don't know...
There's some bark off that tree.

It might have ruined the tree, baby.

Whoa. Is that Linda?

Give me 500 bucks,
and we'll call it even.

Excuse me?

No "excuse me," man.

Look at my tree here.
That's a 200-year-old tree.

Might have to do some landscaping.

I'll probably have
to bring a tractor in here

and a backhoe and dig all this stuff up.

It's a tree!

Have you been drinking?


Why don't we just
let the police decide that. Call 911.

- $100.
- Times five.

- $150.
- Plus $350.

- Fine. Call the police.
- Call 911.

God damn it!

You take a check?

Yeah. No problem.

Oh, good.

Boy, he's got some nerve, don't he?

Trying to negotiate
with you about our tree.

He come in my yard, hit my tree.

You look at that tree
and he don't think he owes me.

Who's that guy she's with?

Get in the car, Jeff.

It was very, very quick
and it could have been somebody...

She was wearing a peach dress
that she wore this morning, okay?

And they got into our car!

Man, something really big
is happening here.

Yeah, no shit, Jeff!
My wife is having an affair!

We don't know that yet.

Let's follow this
and see where this leads.

Well, I'm trying to,
but I can't see dick so it's kind of hard.

Go! Go! Go, go!

Hang on.

- I see them!
- Where?

They're just up here to the left!

There they are! Pat.

What the fuck are you doing?

You told me to hurry!

Tell me before you swerve
so I don't fall off the fucking car!

Okay. Whatever, just focus on the road!
Where are they going?

They're turning up there!

What street?

South Clark! South Clark!

They're going to Cochon! Damn it!

Let me tell you about Cochon.

It's full of A-holes
who look down on everybody

that's not, like, part of the cool-guy club.
It's so lame.

Look at this, no parking.

I can wait with the car.

No. I got it.

Pat, there's a fire hydrant!

There's a fire hydrant right here.

I got it.

I'm pretty sure that's illegal.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay, what we got here
is a friendly lunch.

It could be a coworker.

It could be a long-lost cousin.

She hates her coworkers
and I know her whole family.

We got to hear what they're saying.

Well, body language
can tell you a lot, man.

- You're going in there.
- What, me?


I'm not really dressed properly, Pat.

Why don't you just go in there
and talk to her?

This could all be
a huge misunderstanding.

If I talk to her, she's just gonna deny it.

Why wouldn't she tell you the truth?

Oh, my God. You have no idea
how adult relationships work, do you?

You haven't had a girlfriend
since high school.

- So? So?
- So? So...

I need to find out
exactly what's going on

so I'll have the upper hand later.

Do you still love Linda?

There's an empty booth next to them.


Just sneak in with my phone.

Here's a little grease money.

Okay. Get in there,
do what you got to do.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- How do you do? Lovely.
- Fine, thank you.

Can I help you?

Table for one, please.

- Right this way.
- Great. Thank you.

- Oh, miss?
- Yes?

Could I sit there?

Those tables are saved for two patrons.

- Right.
- Right this way.

Miss? You know what? Excuse me.

There are going to be two patrons.
There will be two patrons.

You said table of one.

I meant that more like
in the bistro sense,

like one plus another one?

Well, just in case, I think this table back
here would be quite lovely for you guys.

What if I grease you?

I'm sorry?

I have money.

There's two fives, some ones.
There's a 20.

If I could just sit at that table.
I can't explain.

But it's really important.

I mean, I honestly don't even feel
like he really likes me.

Well, that's his problem. I mean...

From where I stand,
there's plenty to like.

Thank you, Steve.
You're a really good listener.

Thank you.

It's such a treat.

I'm just being myself.

Don't say anything.
She might recognize your voice.

If you can hear me,
give me a thumbs-up.

Okay, now take the talking part
of the phone and hold it,

but keep it low, don't let them see.

I really don't think that
you want to hear this.

Jeff, just do it! Okay?

Stop talking
so I can hear what's going on.

I can't. Honestly,
I lost a lot of friends because of Pat.

'Cause my friends just don't like him.

I think a little bit's my fault,

'cause I would complain
a lot to them and...

For a really long time,
I've felt like he and I are...

I don't know...

We got, like,
weirdly competitive with each other.

We just never communicate.

He just never listens, ever.


I shouldn't even be talking about this

but we haven't had sex in...
I mean, over two months.

That's a long time.

And I think, kind of,
what's worse than that

is that it's so awkward.

Well, having sex is one thing

but making love
is something else, right?

What does that even mean?

Thank you, Steve.

I'm not used to being able
to talk so openly with someone

and have them listen,
and care what I'm saying and...


Hey! Hey!


Pat, what do you want
me to do now, huh?

Hello, my name is Rob. Can I start you
out with something to drink?

Some water.

Excuse me?

- I'll have water.
- I'm sorry?

I'll take some fuckin' water, Rob.



Whoa! Hey.

- Wow!
- Hi.

What are you doing here?

I'm just... Lunching it up, you know?

Getting a little bistro action.


Have you ever met my friend, Steve?

This is my brother-in-law, Jeff.

- This is Steve.
- Hey, Jeff, nice to meet you, man.

- My friend Steve.
- Steve.

We were just gonna leave.

Did you still want me
to drop you off at your car?

Yep. Yeah.

So, I'm going to take him to his car,
and I'll see you later.

Hope so.

Nice meeting you, Jeff.

Pat, they're coming out...

What the fuck?

Jeff! They went that way!

Pat! Well, then, let's go get the car!

- No car!
- What?

No car! Help me get a cab!

What are you talkin' about?
What happened to the car?

Nothing! It got towed.

- That's not funny!
- I'm not...

- I know. I know it's not.
- It's so not funny!

Help me get a cab!

- There's no way to know where they are.
- Great.

What do we do?

I think we should just
sit down right here.

And wait.

- For what?
- For a sign.

I'm not gonna sit here
and wait for a fucking sign!

Okay, well, then let's walk!

A school bus just drove by! It's a sign!

What does it mean?

Do we go to a school?

Is my wife fucking some guy
in a janitor closet?

I don't think that's it.
I don't think that's it.

- That's not it.
- Good guess.

Now what?

What are you doing?

I'm looking for a credit card slip.

I don't see why.

If I find the slip, I get his last name

and then we can look up
where he lives and go beat him up.

No, I get it. I just don't think
they throw those things away.

Just shut up and help.

Find it yet?

- How about now?
- That's not helping!

I think we've gotten
off track somewhere.

Like I've gotten off track.

Something feels wrong.

Fine. I'll do it myself,

if it'll make you stop talking.

- Is that it?
- No.

It's not.

Oh, God.

What is that?

No, don't do it, Pat.

You don't have to smell it.

Pat. Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey, Carol.

That was yummy.

What're you doing?

Don't tell anybody else.


Somebody's messing with me.

- Really?
- Yeah, in this office.

- No.
- Yeah. I got hit by a plane.

- What?
- A little paper plane came into my...

And all these messages
were coming to me on my computer.

Kind of...

- Flirty stuff.
- Flirty?

I know someone's playin'
some kind of a joke

and I think it's those guys

that are in the back over there
that did the fantasy football.

Oh, my God, those guys are so hot.

That would be so good.
They're young, too.

Do you think it's Henry?

- Henry?
- Yeah.

He's kind of...


He's married, isn't he?

Okay, let's just say it is somebody here.

What does the message say?
Like what are the details?

Well, somethin' about, you know...


That they're a secret admirer.

They said they were...

I think that's kind of hot.

No, it's not. It's ridiculous.

And I don't like being the butt of a joke.

How do you know it's a joke?

I mean, how many times do we get
to get juiced up like this?

This is awesome.

I'm not getting juiced up over a joke.

You're getting attention.
I am super-jelly. I want attention.

You're impossible.

When was the last time
you had a relationship?

Well, my husband, of course.

No way.

Well, I mean, I went out on dates.

Come on. I've been to the movies.

- It's no wonder you're so cranky.
- I've been bowling...

- I'm not...
- Yeah, you need to get busy.

- You need to get your pipes cleaned.
- You think I'm...

You need to get f... Yeah.

Well, I won't tell anyone. Pinky swear.

What else? What else?

I did hear her say that
she felt neglected.

Sounds like they're banging already.

It's possible.

Don't ever get married, dude.
It fucking sucks.

Really? I think it would
be kind of awesome.

Well, it's not.


I don't want to talk about this anymore.


I'm sick of walking.


Is that what I think it is?

You know, I've been havin' this really
weird dream about Dad lately.

- Really?
- Yeah.

He's a teacher.


We're in this classroom
with a whole bunch of kids,

and we all sit down.

And Dad asks everyone,

"What's the greatest day
in the history of the world?"

And one kid is like, "Christmas."

And Dad's like, "No."

And whenever they get
the answer wrong,

they have to leave the room.

And eventually it's just me and Dad.

And he looks at me and says,

"Pat, what's the greatest day
in the history of the world?"

And I don't know, 'cause I'm nervous.

And I'm like,
"Dad, I don't know."

And he just looks at me
and he smiles and he says...

He says, "Today." He says, "Today."

How'd you know that?

He says, "Today is the greatest day
in the history of the world."


I have that dream, Pat.

Except in mine, it's me,
you and Dad in his car.


I guess it's just something he said
to us when we were kids or somethin'.

It's like floating' around
in both of our brains.

What is wrong with you?

- Pat.
- What? What?

What is wrong with you?

Why do you want to be like this?

- What are you talking about?
- We had... We were havin'...

We're having the same dream!

What the fuck are you talking about?

Why do you want to live like this?

You're drifting through this life with
no awareness of how special this is.

You want to talk about what's
happening right now, right here?

What's happening right now

is that I'm getting lectured
by my pothead brother

who lives in our mom's basement
at 30 years old

about how I don't
understand the universe!

Hey, here's some understanding for you.

A job and a car
and a wife and an apartment!

I got to go.


- I have to go, Pat.
- Where are you going?

You know what? You wouldn't...
You would laugh at me again.

Jesus Christ.

You see a fucking truck

with the word "Kevin" on it
and you have to run after it?

Yeah. I do.

I wish I was that stupid!

You're a dick!

You know what?
I have an asshole for a brother.

It breaks my heart.

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you!

- You call me an asshole?
- Yeah, you are an asshole!

You fucking piece of shit!

You drive a fucking Boxster!

Fuck you!

Don't do this, Pat!

Fuck you!

You get down.
Get down on the fucking ground!

Fucking idiot!

You and Mom will never understand me.

And you're all I have left!

Another Jack and Coke?


Got to get home.

Old lady, huh?

No, she's boning another dude.

Right on.

Stop the car. Stop. Please, stop?

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hey, so, my sister and her husband
just got here a little while ago

in that red Camry out there. And...

I need to... I'm meeting them. So...

- Okay...
- Actually,

it's an emergency.

I have to get her medication,
like, right now,

so what's her room number?

We have a privacy policy, sir.
I'm sorry, I can't give you her number.

I know it's like policy and everything,
but this is a family emergency,

so maybe you could just
give me the room number...

It'll take me a second to call.

I lied. It's not an emergency.

It's not a health emergency.

It is a financial emergency.

Their home is about to be foreclosed on

and I need to make a payment.

- Just stop.
- Okay.

- You're embarrassing yourself.
- Right.

- Thank you.
- Excuse me?

No, just thank you so much.

Pat! Pat!

Oh, my God. Jeff.

- Oh, my God, Pat.
- What the fuck?

I was on the truck.

The truck came here
and now you're here.

- This shit is aligned!
- Shut the fuck up.

- What?
- Linda is here,

in this hotel somewhere.

- With the guy?
- Yeah, probably with the guy.


How the fuck did you find me?

It was the candy man.

Oh, shit.

He's right there.

Okay, what should we do?

Duck in there.

I'm gigantic!

Come on, let's go.

What do you want to do?

Should we stay? Should we wait?

Do we just wait, or...

We could wait.

I don't know. I don't...

Should I call her?

Maybe I call her cell phone right now.

And then, like, act innocent
and be like, "What's going on?"

You could try that.

You know, you're not
fucking helping at all.

You're just like,
"Do you want to do that?"

Do you want to know
what I think you should do?


I think you should take
a few deep breaths,

close your eyes,

and focus.

That is like stupid fucking
Jeff mumbo-jumbo.

If you have any other idea, even one,

I'll be happy to try it
without making fun of you.

Okay, all right.

Okay. Close your eyes.

What do you see?

I just can't stop picturing
what's going on.

What if she's, like,
giving him a hand job?

You know, I think they're adults.

It's probably unlikely
she's giving him a hand job.

I'm gonna break down the door.

No. Pat.

I'm gonna break it down.

Listen. Wait, hold on.
That's a terrible idea.

I've seen you try to do things physically.

I'll do it.

Do you think you can do that?

I wish I could get
some sort of running start.

You totally can. There's, like, hallways.

You run and turn.

Parallel isn't gonna help me.

You could run
and turn right at the last second.

I wouldn't... No. That's not gonna work.

All right.





- Run!
- What was that?

- Are you okay?
- Fuck!

Get up!

- Linda!
- Pat! What are you...

- Pat, don't... Pat, stop!
- What's going on?

- Steve, let him go!
- Either you're gonna calm down...

- Let him go! Jeff!
- Don't fucking move!

- What are you doing?
- What the hell is going on?

- We just got here!
- Who are you people?

You, shut up! Who the fuck is this guy?

He's just a friend, okay? Calm down.

- There's wine!
- Yeah!

There's a bottle of wine on ice, and a...
What is this?

- That's a...
A sex board?

No, you bring it with the... Pat!

And your face is flushed,
which means you're horny.

- No!
- What the fuck is going on?

Stop yelling and I'll answer
all of your questions.

Excuse me! Excuse me!
I'm ready to go home.

Linda, I think you should come with me.

Excuse me!
You should shut the fuck up!

I think that you should go
and I'll call you later.

You're not calling this fucking guy.

Linda, do you want me to stay?

- I think you should go.
- You should go! You need to go!

I'm gonna stay and talk to Pat, okay?

Time for you to go, man.

- Get out, bro!
- All right, Pat.

Get out!

Okay. Start talking.
Is there anyone else in here?

Well, I'm a little upset, actually,

- and I think that it's understandable!
- I understand that.

Look, what I need to know...
I just need to know one thing, okay?

- Okay. What?
- Okay.

Are you mad because you came in here
and you found me with another man?


- Yes.
- Or...

Or are you mad because
you're afraid that you might lose me?

What? There's like a part B now?

Please, don't do that.

It's just semantic bullshit!

- No, it isn't! It isn't!
- Yeah, it is!

- You really don't know the difference.
- You know what?

Because if you don't understand
the difference...

Linda! Linda.
I'm gonna try to listen to you

blabber about whatever this is.

And I'm gonna try to understand
your incoherent babble. Go.

- Why do you always do that?
- What?

- I'm listening.
- No, you're not.

Yeah, I'm trying.

You always just make me feel so stupid!

I'm sorry it's stupid!
I catch you trying to cheat on me and...

You make fun of everything I say.

I'm really just trying to have
a conversation with you right now.

This is why our relationship
is so fucked.

Because you know what?
When I asked you

if you would take me to Cochon

you laughed at me.

Who care... I'm sorry. That's...

But when I asked Steve,
he just, you know, said, let's go.

Yeah, 'cause he wanted
to get in your pants!

Well, maybe, but at least he's trying
to put in some time and effort!

Let me tell you
something about Cochon.

- Cochon is full of assholes...
- You're not even...

...and snobs in fucking turquoise

tailored shirts and pink ties,
like that asshole!

You want to ask me to take you there?

Fine. I'll take you to fucking Cochon.

- Yeah.
- God, you're not even listening to me.

No, I'm hearing you loud and clear.

You're not! It's not about the restaurant.

I just want you to, like,
care that I want to go there!

And do you think it's about this guy?

Because I really don't even
fucking care about him! He's nice.

- He listens to me.
- I'm nice.

But you and I, we are petty,

we are passive-aggressive
with each other,

we don't even fight!
I mean, this is a miracle right now!

And what I think, honestly,
is that we have no house,

we have no kids, thank God!

It would be really fucking easy
for us to just walk away!

It'd be super simple.

And that is what I think
that we should do.

Hang on, hang on.

You know, let's just not,
like, let's just not...

Can we not talk about this anymore?

Let's just go home
and sleep on it, and, like...

And like...

Forget it.

I'm gonna go stay at my mom's.

Bye, Jeff.

Jeffrey, where are you?

I asked you to call me
after you got the wood glue.

I'm at the office.

Let me know what's going on.
Thanks. Bye.

Oh, please.

It sure is a noisy little thing.


- Eight glasses a day, my doctor says.
- Really?

You're kidding me. Blow out my biceps

trying to lift these cups that many times.

- I'm Barry.
- Sharon.

Nice to meet you.

Same here.

What am I saying?

I know you're Sharon.
I've seen you around.

I really do like flowers.



metaphorically, too.

Symbolically. All kinds.

Gardenias are my favorite.

I'm not following you.

Excuse me.

It was nice meeting you.

Just stupid.


What's going on?

I think it's over.

What happened?


This is not the way I imagined
my life was gonna be.

How did you imagine it?

I was gonna be in the Peace Corps
and all that crap, you know,

with some guy in an exotic place,

all worldly and giving and shit,

and living in a little hut,

and taking care of cute little kids

and kissing under waterfalls
and stuff, you know.

You can still kiss under waterfalls
and stuff like that.

It's like,

how many good years do I have left?

I hate my kids right now.

I don't know when that happened.
They were so cute.

I look at the pictures of them,
and our family...

Don't cry.

Have some more tissue.

- Don't explain. Oh, God.
- No. I just...

Oh, Carol, I'm sorry.
It'll just make it worse. Don't explain.

But it's not what you think!

Yeah, it is.

I wish that I could

see the world like you.


I don't know. You have this, like,
belief in this cosmic order.

I really envy that.

You don't want to be like me.

I'm not happy

at all.

You know, since Dad died,
I've had this...

Had this feeling
that it had to be for a reason.

I keep thinking that
the signs are all about me, but maybe...

Maybe they're about you
and your marriage.

My marriage is not good.


is a


I just want to feel

like I love Linda.

And I want to feel like she loves me.

And we both want to, like, be in love.

I miss it and I want it so bad.

I think you should just say that.

To her.

It's not that simple, Jeff.

I don't know.
I think it could be that simple.

I mean, wouldn't you be psyched
if Linda walked in here right now

and sat down in this tub
next to you and said,

"Pat, I want to be
in love with you again"?

That would be awesome.

Dude, you need to say that to her.

You need to tell her that right now.

- River Parish.
- I am so sorry.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.
Don't apologize, seriously.

- But I want to.
- It's okay.

No, I just... It was so weird
and didn't come out the way I...

Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
It's just that I'm not gay.

But that's okay. I'm not gay, either.

But you like women.


Well, I like men.

I like men, too. And to me,
it's like, at this point in my life,

whether it's a man or a woman,
it doesn't matter.

I want someone who gets me.

I feel like I deserve that.

And I think you do, too.

Well, it's important, yes.

But it doesn't mean

I want to sleep with everybody
that understands me. That's all.

No, no, no. That's not my intention.

Isn't the most important thing

finding someone
who sees you exactly as you are?

Who gets the Peace Corps
and the kissing under waterfalls?


So? Carol? Are you there?



Okay, sorry, everybody.

Just head for the exits! Single file!

Keep it orderly! Please!

Close your eyes.

It's clear. Come on.
There's my car, right here.

Where are we going? We're all wet.

- I don't know. What do you think?
- I'm sorry, I don't know.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Let's go to the mall and get drinks
with the little umbrellas in them.

Bigger. Wilder.

I haven't been to New Orleans
in 20 years. How about that?

It's perfect.

Okay, let's go.

Come on out, everybody!
Just come right out.


What is this?

It looks like really bad traffic.

Well, I mean in your, you know...

- You mean, like, is it a sign?
- I don't know.

It could be.

- It definitely could be.
- How do I know what to do?

That's the big question, yeah.

It's a constant struggle.

I think you got to go with your gut.

Well, I'm not going to stop now.


Hey, Pat?

If we don't get a chance
to reconnect today,

I'm, like, super proud of you.



- Second thoughts?
- Well, I just...

It's okay.



- I think that's my son.
- Sharon?

What now, my man?

I guess I'll go back.

We'll have to wait
for all this traffic to clear.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just...

You ever feel like you're waiting forever

to figure out what your destiny is,
and then when you do

it's not really that exciting?





What are you doing here?

I want to be in love again.


Things have gotten way off track.

And weird and shitty.

And I'm a big part of that,
and I'm really sorry for it.

- Pat!
- What?

Honey, what's happening?
What's the matter?

- Why are you running down...
- Mom?

What's going... Oh, hi.

- Wait, what are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

How did you get here?

In Carol?s... This is Carol.


I'm Linda. Nice to meet you.

Jeff... Jeff's here?

Whoa, hey! Did you see that?

Is he okay? Is he okay?

Yeah, we're here.

A car just went off the bridge.

There's people inside of it.

Somebody jumped in!

Wait! Our dad's still down there!


Come on.

Help! Help us!



Come on, girls! Come on. Swim hard!

Come on, honey! Give me your hand.
That a girl. Come on.

- Get back there.
- Dad?

Hey, the car's going down!

The car's sinking!




Come on, Dad!

We need some help over here.


Over here! Over here!


- Jeff!
- Jeff!

Help! Help!

Man in the water!


Two survivors in sight.
Five feet off the first cleat.

Coming into the dive deck.


Get a hold of him!

One, two, three!


We have an unresponsive person!

He's not moving!

Call the command center!
Have an ambulance meet us at the pier!

- Jeff!
- Sir, we got to help him. We got him.

Do something! Jesus!

Sir, sir.


- He's not moving!
- Starting CPR!

Get off me! Leave me alone!

You need to sit down!

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight...

Jeff, wake up!

- Jeff!
- Still not responding.

Can you hear me?

Hey, hey, you okay?



- Are you okay?
- Oh, God.

Let's get blankets!

Sir, stay still.

Let me sit up.

What happened?


I'm hungry.

And coming up next,

the story of two girls, their father,

and the man who was
in the right place at the right time.

The car that was behind us
crashed into the back of us

and then we went over the bridge.

And then this man,

he just came and broke our window...

And he almost died doing it.

If we had lost our dad,

you know,
I just really can't even imagine it.

We're just really thankful he was there.

We'll be right back with that rescue tale

of local councilman Kevin Landry
and his two little girls.

All that and more when we come back.