Jáchyme, hod ho do stroje! (1974) - full transcript
A sincere provincial young man, Frantisek Koudelka (Ludek Sobota) leaves to work in Prague. For the trip he buys a computer made horoscope with biorhythms charts, marked according to his date of birth, there are trappy, precarious, unsuccessful and even critical days and few successful days. The clumsy luckless person Frantisek has finally a guidance for his life.
MARY
Well, 'bye.
- Thanks a lot
for everything, Mr. Pechar.
And you too, boys, thanks.
Be seeing you.
- All the best.
- Joseph, I'll be handing my Mary over
to you.
She is O.K., so I hope
you and she'll...
Mary!
But I thought I'd... that I'd...
that's odd...
...I thought I'd pulled the brake.
- Well, chum, Prague sure has great
things to look forward to.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Pechar.
- Oh, you'd better be going.
And listen, please don't touch anything
here any more, will you? Goodbye.
Good morning.
- Hello.
Joe, what's he done this time?
- Oj... He just drowned Mary.
Frankie!
Well, what were your goodbyes like
at the tractor station?
- Well, they were glad.
There now.
Open your suitcase, will you!
They're still warm from the chickens.
Your aunt will be pleased.
Goodbye.
Frankie boy, goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- And take good care of yourself!
Don't look up the meaning
of your dreams
don't ask the stars
when happiness will shine
when luck will start blossoming
for you.
Tomorrow you'll wake
to your big day.
To chase your blues away
- Dear village friends!
- As your dream comes true.
- Science has arrived
in your country community.
The times of forune-tellers
and parrots is over.
Say you are getting ready to take
a serious step in life.
You are marrying off your daughter,
buying a house,
you want to conceive a child.
Which day to chose?
You will get a dependable answer
to this dilemma from our computer
UK 120.
Just look, if you please!
Here, you see - a star.
A star means success.
A dot means a failure.
The zero is tricky and mind!
The cross - that is your critical day.
Let us take... this young man.
Down we go.
Looking at his suitcase,
I'd say this young man
is getting ready to travel some place.
Where are you going?
- To Prague.
- To our capital...
You'll be needing strong nerves!
What will you be doing there?
- I'll be looking for a job.
- He'll be looking for a job.
For that he needs to be in good
condition, physically and mentally.
Where will you be staying?
- With auntie.
- With his auntie.
Although his aunt is a relative,
it does mean severed ties with his
closest family and friends.
For the next few days this young man
will be needing...
What will he be needing?
Resistance!
Will he be in the right condition?
The answer to this all-important
question can be had
in his condition-chart.
For a mere fifteen crowns...
There now!
...he will be equipped
with a dependable life companion
in which he'll be able to read
as clearly as in his own palm.
A schedule for happy days and unhappy
days.
What's your name?
- Frank Koudelka.
- Frank Kou-del-ka.
When were you born?
- February eighth...
- February eighth...
...fifty two.
- Fifty two.
Up we go!
And down we come again!
Give him the works,
fella!
Presents
GIVE HIM THE WORKS, FELLA!
PRAGUE, CENTRAL RAILWAY STATION
EXIT
At last, Frankie!
Have I been worried,
I thought you'd lost your way.
Come on in, Frank.
Take your coat off here, see.
And your cap too!
There you go. That's good.
Come on in... in here!
Run along, go right in! There.
Quick, quick!
Well now.
- Mother sends her best regards
and some eggs.
- That's nice of her. Wait, I'll bring
something to put them in.
And... what's this that your mummy
has written?
- No, that's nothing. I bought a sort
of fortune for fifteen crowns,
a presage of when I'd have
my lucky days in the future
and when I get some bad luck at last.
- Really now, such a young man
and he'd believe in old wives' tales?
- These aren't old wives' tales, auntie.
This is scientific.
Straight out of a computer.
- That's what the old charlatans always
used to say, that it was scientific.
Just look, my poor deceased husband -
your poor deceased uncle.
It said in his horoscope that he should
never take a trip by train on Mondays.
So he went and bought a bicycle
and now he has
a memorial-tablet...
...in the Kunratice Bend.
Well, I can see you've made friends
with Gregory. I'm very happy about that.
And if you really want to win him over,
do bring him a piece of garlic toast
sometimes.
He just adores them.
Well, Frankie, this'll be your kingdom.
This is Gregory's bed,
Gregory, here.
And that sofa over there,
that's yours.
So these are you bedies.
I arranged that job for you
at the Garage.
The manager's name is Karfik.
You just go to him and say:
,, I am the nephew of Mrs Sykora
from the travel bureau."
We don't have any. None at all, sorry.
Can't help. None in stock.
- I am the nephew...
- Georgina, call Sulc,
please, and tell him to send
those silent-blocks.
But right away, not in a month's time!
- I am the...
- Marsalek!
Marsalek, man alive, is that the way
to write out the order slips?
You're writing utter nonsense
in them!
I haven't written any order slips,
Mr. Karfik.
I'm not interested, but what you're
writing in nonsense.
There now...
- Look at that...!
A spring... a spring! - What is that
supposed to mean to anybody?
I refuse to sign such order slips.
- I am the...
- Kremlicka, look here,
don't you start that boloney
about the pistons again.
See to it yourself!
What do you want?
- I am the nephew...
- Eva! No overhauls to be taken
in at all!
Stop all orders till the end
of the month!
Well, what do you want?
I'm listening!
- I am the nephew.
- And you have a complaint
to make about it. Who did the job?
I am the nephew...
...of the travel bureau.
I'm the nephew of the aunt
in the travel bu...
I mean Mrs... Sykora
from the travel bureau.
- I know.
Klasek!
Klasek!
Here's a new man for you again.
- Right, boy, come along!
Sit down! And we can start.
Yes.
My dear young friend.
The plant in which you have decided
to work is one of the most modern
in Europe.
It is, however, our duty to point out
some of the danger-points of your
future job.
Let us take a look at the different
departments.
Let's see.
- A spring...
- What do you see?
- Buttons.
- No, what do you see here?
- Your hand.
- No, concentrate, what do you see here?
- Cars.
- And what else?
- Mechanics.
- Correct.
Every three months one of them leaves
our gates inside an ambulance.
- And yet I had told each one of those
boys right here in advance:
,, Don't take bribes! Don't take bribes!
They'll drive you crazy!"
But it's just no good! No good!
No good.
- They refuse to take my advice. When
these boys finish their apprenticeship
they're accustomed to living from six,
seven hundred.
He comes to our place and suddenly
takes in six, seven thousand.
And what does he do with it?
He doesn't know.
Quite logical, such a boy cannot
do anything else but go crazy in such
a situation.
And that is why I am warning you,
too, so that you don't end up
like your predecessors
at the Psychiatric Department
of Professor Kokoloushek.
There, look!
- I don't know what to do with it.
I really don't know what to do about it.
- Just a moment!
- I think I'm going crazy.
- Just a moment!
- I don't know what to do with it.
- There now, you see?
- I'm going crazy.
- Here you see it,
with your own eyes you saw it.
Psychiatry?
Professor, a call for you!
Mr Mracek seems much better.
Much better.
Your husband is in a very good mood,
madame.
We'll have an X-ray of that head
of his taken tomorrow.
I'm sorry to say I can't give you
any good news, Mrs Dostal.
He keeps cackling,
cackling away all the time.
Kokoloushek!
Really?
But you are keeping us well supplied,
Mr Karfik!
Right, the boys will be right over.
Holna, Malota!
The Garage!
- Yes.
There, Mr. Hudecek,
I've brought along a new man for you.
He'll be working under you!
- Morning.
- Hudecek.
- Koudelka.
- I sure admire you.
- Why?
- Well, starting a new job on a Friday
the thirteenth, that's what I call
courage.
- That's just a superstition. I don't
believe in that sort of thing at all.
Listen, who's that?
- That's the plant psychologist.
You'll have your fill of him yet, chum.
Come along!
Klasek!
- Yeah, coming!
Mr. Hudecek...
- Well, the troubles was
with the valves, Mr. Materna,
call up on Monday.
Yeah. The coller is O.K.
But I'll have to take a look at your
head, something's leaking somewhere.
Well, thanks, that's all right.
- Shall I wait?
- Yes, yes.
Oh, and Mr. Kalina, I don't have very
good news for you. It keeps rattling.
Well of course, if you don't lubricate
the thing - it rattles.
Well, Tony?
- I'm going crazy.
I really don't know
where the trouble lies.
- It'll be all right.
- Yeah.
Look, this is what I'm working on now.
What do you think of her?
- Nice, green... a sixteen.
- Well, chum I'd say thirty
if she's a day.
- A thirty Renault?
- Yeah...
- Is that a new type?
- And super, too.
Her husband spends
most of his time abroad.
Come here!
Look, spit at me!
- Why?
- Well, spit at me!
Oh...! Come on, for luck...!
Let's go!
Madame.
So now there's two of us to deal
with you, madame.
- Madame.
- You go and start!
My husband spends most of his time
abroad
and I have to worry about this
sort of thing all on my own.
- Of course, well look here,
I thought... actually...
Good, boys, good!
Go and have five more rounds
and I'll go and make up your beds
for you for the night.
Sweetie-sweetie.
Now we'll have a lovely little sleepy
bye!
Run along! Mind you don't catch cold.
Frank! Faster!
Gregory, give him a run for it!
Some bed...
Look here.
Come here.
Come on, boy.
There now...
Here's a nice bedie for you too...
...you go to sleepy-byes here
like good boy.
Come on.
Come on boy.
- Frank, pull the cover over Gregory,
will you?
Who drove it out?
- There was nobody inside.
It drove out on its own.
- Prouza, come on...
- But...
- What is it now?
Who was it?
- Who was who?
- The guy who wasn't inside.
- How would I know who the guy was
who wasn't inside.
- This is no service garage,
this is a circus.
Who was it?
I'll find him.
- My critical day.
It's working.
If you have any problems,
you can trust me to help you!
If you're homesick, going through
first love,
second love, disappointment.
Don't be ashamed, tell me about it,
never be shy with me.
- What is it? What is it?
He has problems, has he?
So we take it out of his pay, so what.
Problems indeed...
Will you please remember this:
Before you start working on a car,
anchor her firmly!
- I know.
- Didn't they teach you that?
- It's my bad day today.
- Nice and expensive, such a bad day
of yours!
- Look, they've got garlic toast here.
Three. Wrap them up please...
...in a piece of paper.
Quite a pretty girl, what?
- Hm...
You like her?
- Hm.
- Well, what are you waiting for, then?
Go and ask her if she's free tonight!
Ciao.
You don't happen to...
...have ten crown's worth of change,
do you?
Here you are.
Thank you.
Look, Gregory, look what I've got
for you.
But I want something in exchange.
You're going to sleep over there
tonight, right?
Come on!
Look, garlic toast! There!
And ho... there now!
There!
Good boy. Good boy.
Sleep.
Hop! Back to sleep!
And put the light out!
Come and get up, boys!
Out for your run!
What's the matter with you,
you lazy-bones?!
And what is this supposed to mean?
No... Frank, no,
that just is not possible!
Gregory is used to his bed. And I am
sure he must have had a very bad night.
Just look at him! Just look...
...at the circles under his eyes.
I can't sleep on this.
The springs push into my ribs
something awtul.
And Gregory is supposed to sleep there
all right...?
Some people think an animal can stand
anything...!
Mr. Hudecek! Mr. Hudecek!
I wonder if you haven't forgotten
my darling?
- How could I have, madame...?
How could I have?
On the contrary!
I think of you day and night.
Really. I can't sleep. I can't eat.
I can't... just anything, madame.
- What about taking a little ride with
me so that I know what it's all about?
- Very happy to.
But that would need a bit
of a longer trip, wouldn't it now?
Madame, if you come on a drive with me,
the trees will line up in single
file alongside.
Really. I often don't know
how to stop.
As I see this is a bit of a risky
workshop.
I'll be seeing you, Mr Hudecek.
- Au revoir.
You can pay next time.
What I'd like to do to you...
pull you apart, if I could.
Just look at the mess I look!
- Sorry!
- Just look at me, will you!
Could you do me a favour
and look please!
- Yes, I can see.
- Are you fun to work with,
chum...
- Beda, I'm really sorry,
but this is one of my bad days.
- This is one of your bad days, is it?
Well then mind you tell me
when you have a good day coming!
You just have one bad day after
the other. When are they going to stop?!
- On Wednesday the 27th.
Look! Look! Here it's bad all the time,
here it begins to get better
and here it'll be best of all.
- But you said you don't believe
in these superstitions.
- Not in superstitions,
but this is scientific!
Computer results.
Fifteen crowns worth.
- Oh, and what's this?
- Well, these are all the bad days.
And today, that's here,
there's actually a cross.
- What does that mean?
- It's the so-called critical day.
It's the sort of day
when everything come down on you. Ouch.
Hey!
- Listen, man,
there must be something in this.
I'm going to send for it too.
Are you getting out?
Look, a chimney-sweep!
Here! Hold this for me, will you.
- I can't!
I have to drop in at the buffet.
- Listen, how far have you got with her?
Has she noticed you yet?
- Of course.
I eat with her all the time.
- Wait, is she counting on your coming?
- Well, she's counting,
of course she is...
Four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.
Thanks.
- Not at all.
Can I help you?
What are you doing?!
- I just...
- I can't hear you!
Out aloud!
- I was... hammering out a rivet.
I just kept hammering...
- What?
...with my hammer and by mistake...
- This?
...it started getting bigger
and bigger
and then... it got this big.
I'll... go and get another.
- So is this the way to hammer a rivet?
Listen. I've been watching you
for quite some time!
Often I'm looking elsewhere,
but I keep seeing you!
You're well on the way to Kokoloushek!
Some rum.
You wouldn't be needing change
for a hundred crowns,
by any chance, would you?
What would I do with so much change?
- It can come in useful. People come
in wanting change often, don't they?
That's true. One man comes in every day.
Yeah?
And what does he want?
I don't know what he wants,
but what he says he wants
is ten crowns' worth of change.
Who knows what he's really after...
Maybe he...
Maybe he... he likes you.
Think so?
Why wouldn't he say so, then?
Maybe he's afraid...
...shy.
Listen, shy man...
I've people to serve!
If you want to wait for me
when I finish here. I'm out at seven.
Yes?
- Right.
- Hey! Here's the hundred-crown note.
- I say, I'd have forgotten it...
Well, be seeing you.
- Hey, you!
Look here chum, if you take my advice,
go and get your garlic toast some
place else.
You could have an accident hereabouts...
- An accident?
- Yeah, an accident!
I hope I shan't be seeing you here
again tomorrow, Mack!
- Unless you change your saloon,
you will, sheriff.
Well, if you insist...
Get down off that lamp, Donald.
I can see you!
THE SHERIFF IS FREE THIS AFTERNOON
You don't happen to have a dog, do you,
Blanche?
- No, I don't.
- Pity.
- Why?
- I have to go out to walk Gregory every
evening,
so I thought if you had,
we could have walked them out together.
- And can't we walk out one dog
between us?
- That's true.
I can't and more.
- Let's take a rest, then.
I say, what's the matter.
- That stupid dog...
What a hard life you have.
- Will you come again tomorrow?
- Tomorrow's my Judo night.
Come and watch me!
- Can I take the dog?
- I don't expect so.
Do you have to take that dog everywhere?
Tell your aunt you've got a date, that
she can go and walk her dog herself.
- Ha, that's a joke, telling her
I've got a date!
She'd never get over it.
- Make up something else, then!
Say...
Say you've joined the Judo team too.
- And why do you go, any way,
to Judo, I mean?
- Well, should anybody bother me
in the park one night,
I can just whack him down, see?
- I see, I'd better be careful then,
what?
Don't worry!
I shan't whack you down!
- Gregory, down!
Come on...
Stupid dog!
You!
What is he doing?
Gregory, stop it, will you...
Wait!
- Good dog.
Now when, that's enough! Let's start!
- Yes.
- Change places!
Now I'll test you, boys,
and divide you into teams.
- Ready!
- Come along, then!
What's your name?
- Ja... Janecek.
- Team six.
You need a bit more of a sharp eye.
But we'll teach you that here.
Next!
What's your name?
- Vokurka.
- Do you have it?
- Yes.
- Let's go!
See, that was better!
Team five.
CONFERENCE ROOM
REGISTRATION OF NEW MEMBERS HERE
Next!
Hi. Have they put you down yet?
- No.
I don't know if I should go
today or not.
I've had some bad days lately.
- Ach, bad days...
Here's another candidate for you
Mr. Tumpach!
What's your name?
- Frank Koudelka.
Well, let's take a look at you.
Man alive, he stands there like nailed
to the ground.
Where were you before?
- Me?
- Yes.
- STS Chvojkovice-Brod.
- Must have been a decent team.
Put him into team two.
No, that's enough! You're not
in regular dress.
Let's not start any major action just
now.
PAY OFFICE
Frank Koudelka.
Well, Mr. Koudelka,
you've only been with us a week,
so your pay packet comes to 305,50
But there are some items to be paid
out of that.
Drying out, fishing out, de-mudding?
I don't understand.
- That's the Fiat, I expect.
- That your total pay this time
is 5,50.
- Thank you.
Good morning.
- Can you please let me have some
good wine for up to 9,50?
- 50 crowns? Of course.
- No, up to nine crowns, fifty hellers.
- In that case, sorry.
But we have some good quality cider.
If you excuse me - I'll had it down.
Very good.
One bottle is like another, what?
- No, no... thanks. No.
Some business...
...friendship between Man and Dog.
Just remember the St. Bernard's
with its little barrel,
...saving lives.
Remember the film Four in a Tank plus
a Dog.
That was Sharik, just an animal, what?
Again a beautiful piece of proof.
I am not afraid to say
that it was the exhibition committee,
Doktor Vlcek in fact,
who brought a little fresh, new air
into the competition.
There are not many competition such
as this.
But I think I am talking on behalf
of all of you
when I say that even if it's not
raining, a few raindrops are enough.
And now an interesting piece of news
for you.
The editorial office of the magazine
Your Four-legged Fried has issued
a noteworthy novelty for breeders.
It is a dog calendar, which you can
buy in area B, at the stand.
Not only Man, but even his doggie-friend
will now be able to celebrate
his name-day.
Like today for example:
Have you remembered to congratulate
Harry? It's his name day.
And frankly speaking, some sweet morsel
would probably give him pleasure, too.
Tomorrow Astas have their name-day.
On Monday it's Buster, Tuesday Caesar,
Wednesday Rex.
Thursday is Kazan day, Friday Ajax
and Saturday Baron.
The dog calendar hasn't forgotten
non-pedigree dogs, either.
For example on September 1st it's
Puddly's name-day,
on the second Cuddly's,
on the third Muddly's,
the fourth is Patch, the fifth Rover,
the sixth Spot
and the seventh Nora.
Film-star dogs celebrate their
name-days in December.
So don't forget!
Get your dog calendar in area B.
Well. For now the going's good,
Frankie.
Only that West-German in front of us.
Look what I bought for you from him.
Japanese bracelets. Put yours on at
once, it's very calming for the nerves.
Look, Gregory has one too.
- Thank you.
Auntie, could you please lend me
twenty crowns?
- You're out of money?
- That's right.
- How's that? You had 200 crown notes
in your suitcase underneath your shirts.
That's what I bought the thing for...
- Oh, this...
- Yes, this!
- Oh, I see!
Well you see Frankie,
it said in the instructions
that we should wear sports apparel.
O.K., what?
Wait! Here you are.
And what do you need it for?!
- For Judo insurance.
- But you said they'd insured you
already.
- But they say that I'm a beginner
so that I have to have additional
insurance... additional.
Insurance.
Oh, don't you smell lovely!
- What of?
- Garlic toast.
- Must be this.
I'm taking it to the laundry.
You'd better slip it away somewhere
so it doesn't smell all over the place.
- Look, this is my room.
I mean our room with the dog.
I mean with Gregory.
This is where I sleep and this is
where Gregory sleeps.
I mean the other way round!
I sleep here and Gregory there.
There's nothing in it.
Well... come into the sitting room.
This is our sitting room.
That's my aunt's and mine, together.
- And your aunt doesn't know we're here?
No. But don't worry,
she won't know a thing,
because Gregory always wins
a prize and then they go celebrating.
She'll stay there and...
- But it's a bit silly, isn't it?
Just imagine how embarrassing
it would be, were she to appear...
I know, I did want to tell her,
but I have these bad days now...
But don't you worry, everything's
changing on the twenty-seventh.
I'll revolt.
- You'd better let me! If these are
your bad days...
- The cork.
Now then, wait, Gregory!
Auntie!
- And here we are. What now?
- You must hide!
Come, come! Come, quickly!
Into the wardrobe.
- Oh, go on...
- What?
Yes, it is a bit daft.
Wait!
Into my bed.
- You're crazy?! In your bed?
- You must!
- Why in my bed?
- What?
A book!
Start reading! Quickly!
Wait! I forgot the wine.
The wine.
Quick, quick, quick!
Christ,
Look...
Look at that...
No, don't look...
Turn round! Turn round!
I've got a idea.
Wait!
Here, put this on!
Come on, stand still!
Wait! Don't pick it up!
Just leave that alone!
Just leave that alone! I'll...
I'll pick it up afterwards.
You stand here, will you.
Turn round, that's right.
Hush! You leave it to me!
It'll be O.K.
Why did you take such a time opening
the door?
- We have... a sudden... breakdown...
- I see.
How do you think Gregory was placed?
- First! First.
- Well, you guessed wrong. Fourth!
- Fourth?
- Yes.
First in Paris
and fourth in a Prague suburb.
Would you believe it?
- No. Our Gregory, and he came fourth?
- Come on...
Well, I certainly wouldn't have...
definitely not.
Maybe third.
At least.
But fourth, really...
Fourth...
Frankie...!
- Well,
if he came fourth, then I really
don't understand a thing any more...
...I just don't... understand it.
And he had that bracelet, then surely
I wouldn't have thought he'd come...
It can't be.
Oh!
Who's eating ginger-bread off
my cottage?
Come and meet. This is my aunt...
my aunt.
And this is my...
...the television mechanic...
Who repairs television sets.
If...
And what you see in her hand, auntie,
that's a hammer. I mean, that's a tool
...and she's just finished.
So...
Now she's just going to work it out.
...that means generally...
We...
They usually send men from the TV
service place, but this time...
There was something they couldn't...
and so this woman is. What they sent...
She brought some wine...
I mean I bought it,
but actually she sort of...
She's a teetotaller.
An absolute teetotaller.
We spilled it.
See, we spilled it all.
- Don't you worry, children.
I know what to do...
- Please don't be angry with us,
Mrs Sykora. I told Frank
that he ought to tell you.
After all he is of age.
So why should he keep it a secret
that we go out together?
- After a moment the old man came
puffing up to the field.
He stops by the old woman and asks:
Tell me, woman, have two children
come this way?
- Look here, my dear young lady...
- You can call Blanche Blanche, auntie.
- Look here, my dear young lady,
Frankie's mother is very poor,
she lives in a tiny cottage.
When she wants to send me a present,
she sends me one egg.
And in exchange for that she expects
me to see to it
that her son remains a good boy
while he's in Prague.
And aren't I, auntie?
I would not like to offend you, young
lady, but Frank has to make his choice.
Either he lives with me
and holds a decent job,
or girls!
Gregory, come along!
Woman, I'm asking you, have two children
passed this way?
Listen, auntie, Blanche isn't a...
she isn't a girl!
Woman...
Well... that was unpleasant, wasn't it.
- That it was.
Well now! So my first warning
wasn't sufficient?
So let's try a sharper note, shall we?
- Stop it, Charles.
Coming home too?
Come along, then!
- Good night, Blanche.
- So this is the last time!
Fifteen metres from this young lady
is the closest for you, d'you hear?
Fifteen metres.
- Come on!
Did you see what he dares suggest
with that little hand of his?
Now then, this is the limit...
Let me out!
One ticket for Wednesday,
one for Thursday,
one for Friday, one for Saturday
and one by the isle.
I mean all of them by the isle!
Heavens, can't you all go together?
I hope I don't see you here again
tomorrow, Mack!
- Unless you change your saloon,
sheriff.
Well, if you insist...
Get down off that lamp, Donald,
I can see you!
Get off those rungs, Zachata!
Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
As you know, Hemele is in the army now
and Smola has fallen sick.
So that one of the new men will have
to stand in
to complete the team.
We shall of course not be expecting
any miracles from him.
Just that he participates
and that he isn't too much of a duffer.
Now then, you'll be wanting
to volunteer.
Well? Come on...
So nobody's volunteering? In that case
I'll have to make my own choice.
What's that man's name from that
Chvojkovice place.
The one I tested when he joined us?
Ah, here you are! What's your name?
- Koudelka.
- Well, you seem to be promising
for a beginner!
Would you dare take it on?
- The twenty-seventh is a Wednesday.
According to that chart of yours
that should be your lucky day.
So let's see how it works!
If you think so... all right... I mean
if you need me to make up the number...
I mean in the interests
of them team...
I mean in the interests of the team...
Maybe somebody else should take it on.
- Fine! That's a nice resolute answer.
A real man we have here.
So seventh in the team is Hemelka.
Koudelka.
- Pity I shan't be here.
I've got a moonlighting job on
in Jesenice that night. I've promised.
Well, 'bye.
What will the gentleman have?
I wanted to warn you not
to leave Prague
on Wednesday the twenty-seventh.
Just wanted to warn you, that's all.
Ciao.
I hope I shan't be seeing you here
tomorrow, Mack!
- Unless you change your saloon,
sheriff.
Well, if you insist...
Get down off that lamp, Donald,
I can see you!
Come here, Mrs Mrazek!
Just look at the man in the eighth row,
by the aisle.
This is the fourth day
I've been watching him go on like this.
Today is Wednesday, September
the twenty-seventh.
Czechoslovak Radio opens the day's
transmissions
and wishes you a very good day.
Did you want anything, Frank?
- I only wanted to tell you
that I'll be coming home
when I want and with whom I want.
Frankie, how dare you...!
- And as far as Gregory goes,
I'm going to walk him no more often
than every other day from now on,
at the utmost.
One night you, one night me!
Shofer.
- What shauffeur?
- Shofer!
- Oh, and where do you come from?
- From Vesely.
- I see.
- Good morning, Mr Pouza.
- Hello there.
- How are we today?
- Not worth a decent shit, chum.
I'm run off my feet.
Now this Shofer...
- That means your critical day is on.
You need strong nerves.
You need extra resistance.
- What are you babbling about?
- A star means success.
Are you stupid, or what?!
Now boys, and get going!
- Won't work, boss.
- See, that's what the results are...
We don't know how to spend our money,
so we stay up till all hours
of the morning painting the town red -
I saw you - and then, then this.
We can't lift a thing.
- Boys, boys, boys...
- All of a sudden.
Can't lift an ordinary little load!
- Excuse me.
- Get off, stupid!
Just a moment!
Hey, this is the new man.
The Shofer guy.
- Ah yes, come along then!
- Good morning.
- Who did it?
- Koudelka.
Must have gone mad or something.
- Christ...
Come with me!
Come here! Stop whistling!
Come here, Frank!
Look here!
I'm absolutely dense today.
- Oh come on...
- I'm just plain stupid today.
Do this for me, will you?
I've got all of yesterday's bribes
on me.
Take them and keep them for me,
of I'd go and lose them.
My brain's in a critical state.
- Critical?
Yes.
Dear friend.
The plant in which you have decided to
work is on of the most modern in Europe.
After all, you can see for yourself.
But it is our duty to point out certain
pitfalls in your new job.
Koudelka...
What do you see?
- A car.
- Correct.
What else?
- A mechanic.
- Correct. Absolutely correct, my boy.
You see how well they are doing?
Here Koudelka, for example. Hop!
But attention!
Every three months one these men leaves
our garage gates in an ambulance.
Oh! Well that's...
That's some class, Sir!
Excuse me! Sir!
- And each one of them was told
by our manager here when he started...
- Wait! You see that? You see that?
Pockets full of bribes.
- My goodness...
- Well! Finish what you were saying.
- My goodness...
- Go on, say it!
Clock in this mornig and now this.
- He was here just a minute ago!
- Well! Well...!
- I must be going mad.
- And here we are.
And I told every one of them here right
here at this spot...
Turn him around!
I told him:
Don't take bribes... Don't take bribes,
or you'll go crazy.
And he didn't take my advice.
Kokoloushek!
Koudelka, did you say?
You sure keep us busy, Mr Karfik.
Yes, I'll send my men over as soon
as they come in.
Look here, Beda, I'd like to toodle
off now.
Will you please mark my card for me
when you leave.
- Hm, I'll be here till late anyway,
I've got to finish this frying-pan.
- I've got that competition on today,
so forgive me for not helpings you.
- That's O.K. If the guy hadn't paid
for the job in advance,
I'd have come to take a look at you.
But he needs the car in the morning.
Well, I don't know, where would
Koudelka...
Just a moment!
Hm, right.
And now let them change roles!
- That's right.
Now Ruzicka will be the customer
and Manas the mechanic.
And try to really put yourselves
in their places, boys,
so that it's natural-like.
- This is the anti-bribery course.
Good morning, Mr Ruzicka.
- Good morning, Mr Manas.
- Well, the car's ready.
- I'm terribly glad, Mr Manas.
And here's something for you.
A few hundred-crown bank notes
of mine for you.
- Oh no indeed, I couldn't,
because we get a regular monthly salary.
- And what about bricks, Mr Manas?
- Is Koudelka here by any chance?
- Well, bricks.
- I don't have any here.
- Whatcher mean you don't have any,
this sort of thing, pretend.
- Can I accept bricks?
- Just a moment!
This is a scandal.
So Koudelka walks out of the place
during work-hours.
What do you want? Come here!
- You ask him!
- If I can accept bricks?
You see? There's an example for you
bricks...
Although that is actually
no classical bribe,
we feel that it certainly would be...
On the other hand...
No accepting bricks! Continue!
- And what...
Yes.
Oh but... Mr Manas! What do I see?
Show me your teeth!
What if I...
- Whatcher doing?
- What if you came and visited me
at my surgery
and I pulled all your teeth out.
- Sir, he wants to pull all my teeth
out.
A bribe through the offer of another
service. Not permissible.
Just a minute, I'm not giving him
anything in this case.
I'm taking something away from him.
Calm down, calm down, calm down!
Such a thing really can happen.
Say the customer is a doctor and offers
us some sort of medical assistance.
Like taking out our appendix,
for example.
And so I ask you:
By taking out our appendix, is he...
No accepting appendices!
- That's right.
- Prouza, what do you sit in that
porter's lodge for if anybody can come
and go as they like?
- He must have slithered through
somehow.
- Slithered...
- So we go back with an empty bag again.
...some new, fresh air.
There aren't many young people
who cultivate this sport
single-mindedly.
But as we Judo-players say,
there's no need for a shower,
a few rain-drops will do too.
Thank you for your kind attention.
And now the first contestants
are walking up for their fight.
Karel Vomacka, Kyu one,
and Frank Koudelka, Kyu four.
Koudelka!
Remember what we said!
We need no more from you than not
to lose under the limit.
And not be disqualified.
We are counting with your being beaten.
But see that it's according
to the rules.
See?
- Don't worry, this is my day!
I'll strike him down
he won't know where the lightning
struck from.
That was good, Koudelka! There now,
god... good man!
- I just need to pop off to a buffet,
I need to pop off.
- No doping, Koudelka!
- No. I just have to arrange something,
something important.
- Well, you have something under
an hour's time, so get a move on!
- I'll get a move on.
STS Chvojkovice-Brod.
Hm...
Hi, boys!
Where's that squirt who's at the bar
usually?
- What?
You mean me?
No, sorry! I'm looking for your
colleague.
You'll have to go to Jesenice!
He's barman at a dance there.
Hello, hello! Contestant Koudelka!
Contestant Koudelka,
into the ring at once.
I repeat: Contestant Koudelka
into the ring at once.
- O.K., I'm coming!
Listen, Koudelka! That Vomacka chap
had the jaundice not long ago,
he was quite out of form,
this is another kettle of fish,
you be careful and don't risk too much!
- Don't you worry!
I'll smash him up too.
And now we see Frank Koudelka,
Kyu four,
with Jan Slama,
Kyu two.
Koudelka, man alive, I just don't
know you.
- I need to pop off to Jesenice.
- What?
- I mean to the work-shop,
I need to pop off to the garage.
- Do.
There's such a heap of nonsense in here,
it makes my head spin.
- Listen, whose is it?
- Some Danish musician's.
- Ah...
Look... repair the air... condition.
- If at least I knew where the air
conditioning motor is.
- Beda boy, maybe it's this.
- It is, you know?!
- Hasn't he got it all shiny, what?
Well, these foreign makes...
This is brass!
- And who's supposed to know
one's way round the thing?
God, and just today I have such a darned
stupid head.
- Hey, look, it's come apart here.
- But where on earth do I put the end?!
- What about trying here?
- You're right again, you know?
Wait!
Wait, I'll try it and see what happens.
- Give it a try!
I must say, Mr Prouza...
- There now!
Beautiful timing, beautiful!
Well, brass...
Coming!
Yes, yes... I'm coming!
- Good evening, Mr Prouza.
- Ah, welcome, my boy, welcome.
- Come right in!
And I'll lock up again after you.
- I only want... you see I need...
- So what people don't toodle in
- Perhaps I'll just...
and out all the time, see!
Hello! Psychiatry?
This is Prouza, the porter.
Hello Beda.
I need to borrow a car.
- For how long?
- I'd bring it back in the morning.
- Hm, all right! Wait! Come here! But
you do something for me in that case.
Look here, you know that woman...
Mrs Neyella.
- I know. Whose husband is abroad
all the time.
- That's right.
It's her birthday today
and I can't go and visit her. And you
know these types, she's one of those
who likes these pretty little ways and
stuff and my intelligence is at zero.
Look here, here's fifty crowns
and go and get her a big bunch of roses.
But look here, they have to be roses,
because yesterday,
when my brain still worked,
I made up a poem for her.
Roses are a step to love - from Beda
with love to roses.
- You really made that up all
by yourself?
You're really quite...
...a poet!
'Th... That's what I call a poem!
Bye, than.
Should you need me, I'm off to Jesenice.
- 'Bye, Frank!
Hey there, Beda, get me a bottle
of beer on your test run!
Hello there.
- Where is that Koudelka guy?
- The one you called us up about?
- Come with me!
- Look, over there in hall two.
- He's blondish, with nose and ears...
- That'll be him!
That'll definitely be him.
- Come along!
- Carefully, Ernest!
These are trousers.
Yeah... As I said, intelligence
at zero point.
And now you'll hear a recording
of today's Judo event.
Right at the start I'll tell you
that we had a great surprise.
A new man in the team, Frank Koudelka,
made light work of removing
that old veteran, Vomacka, an hour ago.
And now he's going to fight
the Brno favourite, Slama.
And he is really doing well.
We wish him all possible success.
He is a very pleasant boy.
Well prepared technically
and physically.
All his future lies before him.
One hold after another,
excellent hand a footwork.
He is fast, full of fighting spirit.
That's how it should be.
That's what we like.
Really a great performance.
And now the next two combatants,
Josef Sindelar and Frantisek Vlcek.
So you are not Mr. Koudelka?
- No.
- You see, patient Koudelka maintains
that his name is not Koudelka.
Let us pose another question.
Do you work as a car mechanic?
- Yes.
- Do notice that,
the patient remembers his vocation.
Which means we have a very usual case
of madness here.
- Look here, just you say I'm mad
once again
and I'll lick the place to pieces
for you!
- Yes, yes. Moderate aggressiveness,
more or less verbial only.
Dangerous madmen catch hold
of any weapon
they can in such a situation
immediately. Whatever comes to hand.
An ashtray, a stick, a book, scissors
or even a violin bow.
Are you looking for Mrs Neyella,
by any chance?
You must be Mr. Hudecek in that case?
- Well, actually I... actually I...
- I have a message for you,
you are to join her at chateau Konopiste
right away.
There's some sort of a show on there.
Here's a ticket for you.
Or they wouldn't let you
in otherwise, see.
Well, be seeing you.
And now, dear friends, I give you
Frank Koudelka again,
starting off for his next fight.
He's really shaking with eagerness.
Shaking to get at his rival.
He is not afraid, he attacks
with great speed, energy,
in a very special and characteristic
style.
Keep it up Koudelka! He really
has tremendous physical strength.
One hold after another.
Excellent!
Yes, and Koudelka has won.
And that is the end of our short
TV shot.
Is this right for Konopiste, please?
- Yes, straight on.
- I hear there's some sort of a show on?
- Yes, right beyond the next bend.
There are droves of organizers around.
You can ask them.
- Fine. Thanks.
And I should like to thank
the organizers of this race,
particularly Doctor Kratky,
for not being afraid to let some clean,
fresh air into our motorism.
Could you please...
- Give him number thirty-five!
- No... Excuse me, I only want to get
to Chateau Konopiste...
- Go! Go!
...of very telling names.
Ada Skalicka, number ten
and then number twelve...
- I only want to...
- Go!
- Go, go!
- It's a fact that there aren't
many competitions
of this kind. But as we motorists say:
- What are you doing?
- There's no need for a shower,
a few drops help too.
KONOPISTE TOUR 12
TO KONOPISTE CHATEAU
Yes, friends, this is the winner
of this year's seventh competition
dog-show the Klatovy show,
which took place
there this afternoon.
- Yes, yes...
You see, Gregory... Janda from Chrudim
was there again with that poor fish
of his and he went and won.
Just look at that?
Sit up straight!
- And now for motorism fans.
Over to our team at Konopiste.
We are just in time to see the winners
take their stand.
Mrs Sykora speaking.
Who?
Psychiatry?
Yes, yes.
For God's sake...
But... well, actually he did seem a bit
odd today.
What do you say he says?
But no... surely... no...
But I...
For Goodness sake here he is. Professor,
I can see him! For God's sake!
Whose sake?
On, I see. Yes.
And what sort of a form does
this vision of yours have?
You say he's standing on a pedestal.
And wearing what?
A wreath?
Something like... like a funeral?
Mrs Sykora, Vinohrady.
Just go on talking, Mrs Sykora!
Yes, yes I'm listening.
Ribbons, yes. Manes Street number 10.
Really a beautiful vision!
Just show me the list of competitors!
He's not on it.
No Koudelka exists on that list.
- Calm down, calm down!
We'll find an explanation.
If you are right, then of course
you are first, as always.
- In that case of course I must insist
on a repetition of the ceremony.
Our institution, Mr Hudecek,
I mean to say on behalf
of our institution permit me
to apologize for this sorry mistake,
the sort of mistake that happens
once in ten years at the utmost.
I was on my way to some show
at the chateau,
nobody asked me a thing,
they slapped a number on my car...
- Man alive, and did you have to drive
that fast?!
Is that the sort of speed for excursions
to shows?
- As soon as I stopped everybody
kept shouting: Go, go, go!
- Mr Chairman, I must insist
on a repetition of the ceremony.
We wish to announce a change
in the previously announced results.
First place goes to Stanislav Volejnik,
number twelve.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Would the mother whose pram
with child are crying
in front of the toilets please
come and fetch the aforesaid child.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- This way, please.
This way.
- Hooray!
I've won!
Hooray!
J APANESE MINIATURES BY UKO JESITA
Who are we waiting for?
- The Japanese artist is to open
the show personally.
- Oh, I see.
Where can he be?
This way, please.
- Most honoured maestro.
On behalf of the exhibition committee
permit me to welcome you most sincerely
at this festive opening of you
exhibition at Konopiste Chateau.
So you are not Mr Koudelka?
- I am not!
And let me proclaim here and publicly
that when I see him I'll shoot him down.
- The most dangerous type of madman
of all uses fire-arms.
And not only pistols and guns.
Just look at this old rifle.
It belonged to Josef Maranek
from Prague, Podoli.
He ruined three ambulances
before we managed
to bring him back to our institution.
But let us now return to Mr Koudelka
here.
This way, please.
- How charming that he arrived
in the Japanese national costume.
- It suits him so beautifully.
- Just look! He is wearing a Japanese
bracelet!
I hear it's compulsory now in Japan.
- But his eyes aren't very slanted.
- They have operations done nowadays.
What's up?
- I think I know him from somewhere.
Roses are a step to love - from Beda
with love to roses.
Excuse me.
On behalf of our institution,
Mr Volejnik,
please accept our apologies for this
sorry mistake,
the sort of mistake that happens
twice in ten years... at the utmost.
Twice.
- Well, I hope you catch him.
I'm telling you,
he must be at that show.
His car has a Danish number-plate.
Goodbye.
But of course it was me
who won the race! I won it, Sir, I!
I have the honour of opening
the exhibition of the Japanese
miniatures painter, Uko Jeshita.
The maestro was originally
a watch-maker.
And maybe it was working with
a microscope
that awoke in him originally
this longing to concentrate
all his powerful genius on canvases
measured in millimetres.
Let us for example take a look at
the Fight between Odysseus and Cyclopus.
On an area two by two millimetres
we see a battle raging
between Man and the elements.
A hard and merciless battle.
A battle to the death.
But what tenderness there is in this
battle, too.
The painter seems to have been handling
Cyclops with a loving touch.
And so...
And so let us pass on.
Jeshita's artistic path is admirably
straight, with a firm aim in view.
Everything the artist has touched,
everywhere we feel the delicate fingers
of Jeshita-the-watchmaker.
Many of you may ask... where actually
does Jeshita the Painter stand?
My answer is: With feet
planted firmly on the ground.
It was Jeshita who let in a little new,
- This way, please!
- Fresh air into world painting.
There aren't many artists of his format.
But that does not matter, friends.
I think that I am saying this on behalf
of all of us...
We think that there doesn't have
to be a shower,
that a few rain-drops are good enough
too.
And not let us walk over to the pool,
where our committee has prepared
a little refreshment - freshly caught
raw gold-fish - Japanese, of course.
This way.
Who arrived in this car?
- The Japanese painter.
He's upstairs, at the show.
- A Japanese.
A Japanese painter in a Danish car!
- This time it's dead cert, chum.
This is Mr. Uko Yeshita.
I cannot understand what happened.
- Welcome.
Listen, which is the Japanese guy?
- The over there, talking to those
gentlemen.
- But I smell a rat. A real Japanese
would be wearing a bracelet...
- Yeah.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- This way.
- This way.
How do you like our exhibition, maestro?
- Could we talk to this gentleman?
- For a moment.
Mr Yeshita says that the environment
for the exhibition
was chosen extremely suitably.
- Tell him
that we'll show him a much
better environment still!
- Mr Yeshita says, well, it's a bit
difficult to translate,
it's sort of word game.
Literally is says how many cherries,
so many cherries
but the actual meaning...
- He can talk as much gibberish as he
likes, we're used to that sort of thing.
Hop, in you go!
That's right, in you go.
Alligator.
Mr Yeshita is asking if you're taking
him far?
- Tell him he'll be there in two ticks.
- In two ticks. That's a bit of a puzzle
for a translator to interpret too...
Yeshita, Yeshita - you're in the bag!
- The old man'll be agape when we bring
in this one!
This is unbelievable stupidity.
Looks like I'll have to go out catching
my own patients...
Nurse, get me the Oriental Languages
Institute,
Japanese section.
Such ignorance! Such irresponsibility!
This is...
Yes, I even dare use the word...
This is...
Kokoloushek.
Would you kindly translate a sentence
for a patient of mine?
Here we go.
Our institution
on behalf of your institution
wishes to apologize most profoundly
for this worry mistake
that happens at the utmost...
How many times, nurse?
...three times in ten years.
Tell them, will you, that he always
comes and with no reason on earth
and will you kindly emphasize that -
for no reason on earth - he attacks me.
Tell them he's been here twice and he
threatened to come back a third time.
He's raving mad!
- Come here! Wait!
Madhouse.
Mad... mad... mad... madrigal...
See Concert Association...
Professor, there was a 'phone call
from a gymnasium to say
that Koudelka keeps coming back there
and attacking one of the employees
for no reason.
- Oh, Frankie!
- A clear case of insultation mania.
Holna, Malota!
But this time I'm coming with you!
They weren't looking for me, were they?
- But the contest...
finished ages ago, my boy.
- Good.
Charlie, be careful!
Here he is again.
I repeat: Charlie, Charlie!
Mind out, he comes again!
Where is he?
- He just went upstairs.
- Wait, wait!
What is he wearing?
- Those Japanese togs.
Whatchermecallits - a kimono.
I've got him!
Charlie, it's O.K. Now, they've got him.
I repeat: Charlie, Charlie!
They've got him!
Hello, boys!
Where's that shity bloke who sells beer?
Get down from that lamp, Donald!
I can see you.
Frankie, stop it! Don't behave like
some little Jerry!
- Oh, is it a quarter to one already?
That means I'm down in my crisis days,
have been for fifteen minutes now.
I propose... permit me to propose...
...interrupting the fight
until the fourteenth...
...of next month.
Be seeing you!
Charles! Let him be, don't behave like
some little Jerry.
Hurry, hurry up, chum!
- Yeah... come on, come on, come on!
- We have to... Let's go! Let's go!
I... I'll get him...
- That's him! See?
Just look, according to the photograph,
it's him.
- Let's go!
Can you tell me...
...your name, please?
- Frank Koudelka.
- Jerry, stop it! Don't behave like
some little Charlie.
- You keep out of it.
- But they're fighting because of me!
Could you please show us
your identity card?
Koudelka!
- Koudelka!
- You...
- Leave him alone! Wait!
I think this time there can't be
a mistake, chum!
- Consider well, chum!
- Just look at him, man!
Just look at him!
Just a moment!
Look, the very image...
- Identity correct too, he even
confessed to being Koudelka.
- Please continue.
Into the bag with him, chum!
Frank!
We've got him!
- He's in the bag!
- Koudelka!
Come along, then.
- Shove him in!
Hop you go inside!
Look here!
Frank, this just can't go on.
You and Charles would keep fighting,
and then at work I can't do a thing
right for him
And your aunt... She won't leave us
alone either.
I'm sorry to be telling you
in your weak moment,
but I think we should get married.
O.K., but how can I go and get married
in this...
I'm not in all that much of a hurry.
We can wait till tomorrow.
I'll show you, you and your Koudelka!
I'll show you!
I'll...
I'll set fire to this Koudelka of yours!
Load her up!
There!
That Kokoloushek chap is driving me mad!
How do you set about it all, good
neighbours, that you're so successful?
- Frank always knows when to do what.
On Thursday I'm building that barn.
Are you Frank Koudelka,
born in'... fifty two?
- Yes, that's me.
Our computing centre South would like
to apologize most profoundly.
We have found that the condition
charts we have been sending you
for years don't belong to you at all,
but to your name-sake,
old-sake, old-age pensioner
Frank Koudelka in Pribram.
- If I may introduce myself,
I am Tony Trousil.
As the cause of the error was
a faulty electrode E 13
produced at our plant Catode,
Olomouc,
our factory would like to join in
in the apologies.
We are convinced that this error
may have caused
some irreparable damage in your life,
and that is why we would be happy
for you to accept a little gift,
this eight-cylinder car Tatra,
which is testing some new equipment
with pertinax carburettor
and radial oil circulation.
- All the best with the Pertinax.
What about going for a ride?
- Yeah, where to?
Somewhere for a dip...
THE END
Well, 'bye.
- Thanks a lot
for everything, Mr. Pechar.
And you too, boys, thanks.
Be seeing you.
- All the best.
- Joseph, I'll be handing my Mary over
to you.
She is O.K., so I hope
you and she'll...
Mary!
But I thought I'd... that I'd...
that's odd...
...I thought I'd pulled the brake.
- Well, chum, Prague sure has great
things to look forward to.
- I'm sorry, Mr. Pechar.
- Oh, you'd better be going.
And listen, please don't touch anything
here any more, will you? Goodbye.
Good morning.
- Hello.
Joe, what's he done this time?
- Oj... He just drowned Mary.
Frankie!
Well, what were your goodbyes like
at the tractor station?
- Well, they were glad.
There now.
Open your suitcase, will you!
They're still warm from the chickens.
Your aunt will be pleased.
Goodbye.
Frankie boy, goodbye.
- Goodbye.
- And take good care of yourself!
Don't look up the meaning
of your dreams
don't ask the stars
when happiness will shine
when luck will start blossoming
for you.
Tomorrow you'll wake
to your big day.
To chase your blues away
- Dear village friends!
- As your dream comes true.
- Science has arrived
in your country community.
The times of forune-tellers
and parrots is over.
Say you are getting ready to take
a serious step in life.
You are marrying off your daughter,
buying a house,
you want to conceive a child.
Which day to chose?
You will get a dependable answer
to this dilemma from our computer
UK 120.
Just look, if you please!
Here, you see - a star.
A star means success.
A dot means a failure.
The zero is tricky and mind!
The cross - that is your critical day.
Let us take... this young man.
Down we go.
Looking at his suitcase,
I'd say this young man
is getting ready to travel some place.
Where are you going?
- To Prague.
- To our capital...
You'll be needing strong nerves!
What will you be doing there?
- I'll be looking for a job.
- He'll be looking for a job.
For that he needs to be in good
condition, physically and mentally.
Where will you be staying?
- With auntie.
- With his auntie.
Although his aunt is a relative,
it does mean severed ties with his
closest family and friends.
For the next few days this young man
will be needing...
What will he be needing?
Resistance!
Will he be in the right condition?
The answer to this all-important
question can be had
in his condition-chart.
For a mere fifteen crowns...
There now!
...he will be equipped
with a dependable life companion
in which he'll be able to read
as clearly as in his own palm.
A schedule for happy days and unhappy
days.
What's your name?
- Frank Koudelka.
- Frank Kou-del-ka.
When were you born?
- February eighth...
- February eighth...
...fifty two.
- Fifty two.
Up we go!
And down we come again!
Give him the works,
fella!
Presents
GIVE HIM THE WORKS, FELLA!
PRAGUE, CENTRAL RAILWAY STATION
EXIT
At last, Frankie!
Have I been worried,
I thought you'd lost your way.
Come on in, Frank.
Take your coat off here, see.
And your cap too!
There you go. That's good.
Come on in... in here!
Run along, go right in! There.
Quick, quick!
Well now.
- Mother sends her best regards
and some eggs.
- That's nice of her. Wait, I'll bring
something to put them in.
And... what's this that your mummy
has written?
- No, that's nothing. I bought a sort
of fortune for fifteen crowns,
a presage of when I'd have
my lucky days in the future
and when I get some bad luck at last.
- Really now, such a young man
and he'd believe in old wives' tales?
- These aren't old wives' tales, auntie.
This is scientific.
Straight out of a computer.
- That's what the old charlatans always
used to say, that it was scientific.
Just look, my poor deceased husband -
your poor deceased uncle.
It said in his horoscope that he should
never take a trip by train on Mondays.
So he went and bought a bicycle
and now he has
a memorial-tablet...
...in the Kunratice Bend.
Well, I can see you've made friends
with Gregory. I'm very happy about that.
And if you really want to win him over,
do bring him a piece of garlic toast
sometimes.
He just adores them.
Well, Frankie, this'll be your kingdom.
This is Gregory's bed,
Gregory, here.
And that sofa over there,
that's yours.
So these are you bedies.
I arranged that job for you
at the Garage.
The manager's name is Karfik.
You just go to him and say:
,, I am the nephew of Mrs Sykora
from the travel bureau."
We don't have any. None at all, sorry.
Can't help. None in stock.
- I am the nephew...
- Georgina, call Sulc,
please, and tell him to send
those silent-blocks.
But right away, not in a month's time!
- I am the...
- Marsalek!
Marsalek, man alive, is that the way
to write out the order slips?
You're writing utter nonsense
in them!
I haven't written any order slips,
Mr. Karfik.
I'm not interested, but what you're
writing in nonsense.
There now...
- Look at that...!
A spring... a spring! - What is that
supposed to mean to anybody?
I refuse to sign such order slips.
- I am the...
- Kremlicka, look here,
don't you start that boloney
about the pistons again.
See to it yourself!
What do you want?
- I am the nephew...
- Eva! No overhauls to be taken
in at all!
Stop all orders till the end
of the month!
Well, what do you want?
I'm listening!
- I am the nephew.
- And you have a complaint
to make about it. Who did the job?
I am the nephew...
...of the travel bureau.
I'm the nephew of the aunt
in the travel bu...
I mean Mrs... Sykora
from the travel bureau.
- I know.
Klasek!
Klasek!
Here's a new man for you again.
- Right, boy, come along!
Sit down! And we can start.
Yes.
My dear young friend.
The plant in which you have decided
to work is one of the most modern
in Europe.
It is, however, our duty to point out
some of the danger-points of your
future job.
Let us take a look at the different
departments.
Let's see.
- A spring...
- What do you see?
- Buttons.
- No, what do you see here?
- Your hand.
- No, concentrate, what do you see here?
- Cars.
- And what else?
- Mechanics.
- Correct.
Every three months one of them leaves
our gates inside an ambulance.
- And yet I had told each one of those
boys right here in advance:
,, Don't take bribes! Don't take bribes!
They'll drive you crazy!"
But it's just no good! No good!
No good.
- They refuse to take my advice. When
these boys finish their apprenticeship
they're accustomed to living from six,
seven hundred.
He comes to our place and suddenly
takes in six, seven thousand.
And what does he do with it?
He doesn't know.
Quite logical, such a boy cannot
do anything else but go crazy in such
a situation.
And that is why I am warning you,
too, so that you don't end up
like your predecessors
at the Psychiatric Department
of Professor Kokoloushek.
There, look!
- I don't know what to do with it.
I really don't know what to do about it.
- Just a moment!
- I think I'm going crazy.
- Just a moment!
- I don't know what to do with it.
- There now, you see?
- I'm going crazy.
- Here you see it,
with your own eyes you saw it.
Psychiatry?
Professor, a call for you!
Mr Mracek seems much better.
Much better.
Your husband is in a very good mood,
madame.
We'll have an X-ray of that head
of his taken tomorrow.
I'm sorry to say I can't give you
any good news, Mrs Dostal.
He keeps cackling,
cackling away all the time.
Kokoloushek!
Really?
But you are keeping us well supplied,
Mr Karfik!
Right, the boys will be right over.
Holna, Malota!
The Garage!
- Yes.
There, Mr. Hudecek,
I've brought along a new man for you.
He'll be working under you!
- Morning.
- Hudecek.
- Koudelka.
- I sure admire you.
- Why?
- Well, starting a new job on a Friday
the thirteenth, that's what I call
courage.
- That's just a superstition. I don't
believe in that sort of thing at all.
Listen, who's that?
- That's the plant psychologist.
You'll have your fill of him yet, chum.
Come along!
Klasek!
- Yeah, coming!
Mr. Hudecek...
- Well, the troubles was
with the valves, Mr. Materna,
call up on Monday.
Yeah. The coller is O.K.
But I'll have to take a look at your
head, something's leaking somewhere.
Well, thanks, that's all right.
- Shall I wait?
- Yes, yes.
Oh, and Mr. Kalina, I don't have very
good news for you. It keeps rattling.
Well of course, if you don't lubricate
the thing - it rattles.
Well, Tony?
- I'm going crazy.
I really don't know
where the trouble lies.
- It'll be all right.
- Yeah.
Look, this is what I'm working on now.
What do you think of her?
- Nice, green... a sixteen.
- Well, chum I'd say thirty
if she's a day.
- A thirty Renault?
- Yeah...
- Is that a new type?
- And super, too.
Her husband spends
most of his time abroad.
Come here!
Look, spit at me!
- Why?
- Well, spit at me!
Oh...! Come on, for luck...!
Let's go!
Madame.
So now there's two of us to deal
with you, madame.
- Madame.
- You go and start!
My husband spends most of his time
abroad
and I have to worry about this
sort of thing all on my own.
- Of course, well look here,
I thought... actually...
Good, boys, good!
Go and have five more rounds
and I'll go and make up your beds
for you for the night.
Sweetie-sweetie.
Now we'll have a lovely little sleepy
bye!
Run along! Mind you don't catch cold.
Frank! Faster!
Gregory, give him a run for it!
Some bed...
Look here.
Come here.
Come on, boy.
There now...
Here's a nice bedie for you too...
...you go to sleepy-byes here
like good boy.
Come on.
Come on boy.
- Frank, pull the cover over Gregory,
will you?
Who drove it out?
- There was nobody inside.
It drove out on its own.
- Prouza, come on...
- But...
- What is it now?
Who was it?
- Who was who?
- The guy who wasn't inside.
- How would I know who the guy was
who wasn't inside.
- This is no service garage,
this is a circus.
Who was it?
I'll find him.
- My critical day.
It's working.
If you have any problems,
you can trust me to help you!
If you're homesick, going through
first love,
second love, disappointment.
Don't be ashamed, tell me about it,
never be shy with me.
- What is it? What is it?
He has problems, has he?
So we take it out of his pay, so what.
Problems indeed...
Will you please remember this:
Before you start working on a car,
anchor her firmly!
- I know.
- Didn't they teach you that?
- It's my bad day today.
- Nice and expensive, such a bad day
of yours!
- Look, they've got garlic toast here.
Three. Wrap them up please...
...in a piece of paper.
Quite a pretty girl, what?
- Hm...
You like her?
- Hm.
- Well, what are you waiting for, then?
Go and ask her if she's free tonight!
Ciao.
You don't happen to...
...have ten crown's worth of change,
do you?
Here you are.
Thank you.
Look, Gregory, look what I've got
for you.
But I want something in exchange.
You're going to sleep over there
tonight, right?
Come on!
Look, garlic toast! There!
And ho... there now!
There!
Good boy. Good boy.
Sleep.
Hop! Back to sleep!
And put the light out!
Come and get up, boys!
Out for your run!
What's the matter with you,
you lazy-bones?!
And what is this supposed to mean?
No... Frank, no,
that just is not possible!
Gregory is used to his bed. And I am
sure he must have had a very bad night.
Just look at him! Just look...
...at the circles under his eyes.
I can't sleep on this.
The springs push into my ribs
something awtul.
And Gregory is supposed to sleep there
all right...?
Some people think an animal can stand
anything...!
Mr. Hudecek! Mr. Hudecek!
I wonder if you haven't forgotten
my darling?
- How could I have, madame...?
How could I have?
On the contrary!
I think of you day and night.
Really. I can't sleep. I can't eat.
I can't... just anything, madame.
- What about taking a little ride with
me so that I know what it's all about?
- Very happy to.
But that would need a bit
of a longer trip, wouldn't it now?
Madame, if you come on a drive with me,
the trees will line up in single
file alongside.
Really. I often don't know
how to stop.
As I see this is a bit of a risky
workshop.
I'll be seeing you, Mr Hudecek.
- Au revoir.
You can pay next time.
What I'd like to do to you...
pull you apart, if I could.
Just look at the mess I look!
- Sorry!
- Just look at me, will you!
Could you do me a favour
and look please!
- Yes, I can see.
- Are you fun to work with,
chum...
- Beda, I'm really sorry,
but this is one of my bad days.
- This is one of your bad days, is it?
Well then mind you tell me
when you have a good day coming!
You just have one bad day after
the other. When are they going to stop?!
- On Wednesday the 27th.
Look! Look! Here it's bad all the time,
here it begins to get better
and here it'll be best of all.
- But you said you don't believe
in these superstitions.
- Not in superstitions,
but this is scientific!
Computer results.
Fifteen crowns worth.
- Oh, and what's this?
- Well, these are all the bad days.
And today, that's here,
there's actually a cross.
- What does that mean?
- It's the so-called critical day.
It's the sort of day
when everything come down on you. Ouch.
Hey!
- Listen, man,
there must be something in this.
I'm going to send for it too.
Are you getting out?
Look, a chimney-sweep!
Here! Hold this for me, will you.
- I can't!
I have to drop in at the buffet.
- Listen, how far have you got with her?
Has she noticed you yet?
- Of course.
I eat with her all the time.
- Wait, is she counting on your coming?
- Well, she's counting,
of course she is...
Four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine, ten.
Thanks.
- Not at all.
Can I help you?
What are you doing?!
- I just...
- I can't hear you!
Out aloud!
- I was... hammering out a rivet.
I just kept hammering...
- What?
...with my hammer and by mistake...
- This?
...it started getting bigger
and bigger
and then... it got this big.
I'll... go and get another.
- So is this the way to hammer a rivet?
Listen. I've been watching you
for quite some time!
Often I'm looking elsewhere,
but I keep seeing you!
You're well on the way to Kokoloushek!
Some rum.
You wouldn't be needing change
for a hundred crowns,
by any chance, would you?
What would I do with so much change?
- It can come in useful. People come
in wanting change often, don't they?
That's true. One man comes in every day.
Yeah?
And what does he want?
I don't know what he wants,
but what he says he wants
is ten crowns' worth of change.
Who knows what he's really after...
Maybe he...
Maybe he... he likes you.
Think so?
Why wouldn't he say so, then?
Maybe he's afraid...
...shy.
Listen, shy man...
I've people to serve!
If you want to wait for me
when I finish here. I'm out at seven.
Yes?
- Right.
- Hey! Here's the hundred-crown note.
- I say, I'd have forgotten it...
Well, be seeing you.
- Hey, you!
Look here chum, if you take my advice,
go and get your garlic toast some
place else.
You could have an accident hereabouts...
- An accident?
- Yeah, an accident!
I hope I shan't be seeing you here
again tomorrow, Mack!
- Unless you change your saloon,
you will, sheriff.
Well, if you insist...
Get down off that lamp, Donald.
I can see you!
THE SHERIFF IS FREE THIS AFTERNOON
You don't happen to have a dog, do you,
Blanche?
- No, I don't.
- Pity.
- Why?
- I have to go out to walk Gregory every
evening,
so I thought if you had,
we could have walked them out together.
- And can't we walk out one dog
between us?
- That's true.
I can't and more.
- Let's take a rest, then.
I say, what's the matter.
- That stupid dog...
What a hard life you have.
- Will you come again tomorrow?
- Tomorrow's my Judo night.
Come and watch me!
- Can I take the dog?
- I don't expect so.
Do you have to take that dog everywhere?
Tell your aunt you've got a date, that
she can go and walk her dog herself.
- Ha, that's a joke, telling her
I've got a date!
She'd never get over it.
- Make up something else, then!
Say...
Say you've joined the Judo team too.
- And why do you go, any way,
to Judo, I mean?
- Well, should anybody bother me
in the park one night,
I can just whack him down, see?
- I see, I'd better be careful then,
what?
Don't worry!
I shan't whack you down!
- Gregory, down!
Come on...
Stupid dog!
You!
What is he doing?
Gregory, stop it, will you...
Wait!
- Good dog.
Now when, that's enough! Let's start!
- Yes.
- Change places!
Now I'll test you, boys,
and divide you into teams.
- Ready!
- Come along, then!
What's your name?
- Ja... Janecek.
- Team six.
You need a bit more of a sharp eye.
But we'll teach you that here.
Next!
What's your name?
- Vokurka.
- Do you have it?
- Yes.
- Let's go!
See, that was better!
Team five.
CONFERENCE ROOM
REGISTRATION OF NEW MEMBERS HERE
Next!
Hi. Have they put you down yet?
- No.
I don't know if I should go
today or not.
I've had some bad days lately.
- Ach, bad days...
Here's another candidate for you
Mr. Tumpach!
What's your name?
- Frank Koudelka.
Well, let's take a look at you.
Man alive, he stands there like nailed
to the ground.
Where were you before?
- Me?
- Yes.
- STS Chvojkovice-Brod.
- Must have been a decent team.
Put him into team two.
No, that's enough! You're not
in regular dress.
Let's not start any major action just
now.
PAY OFFICE
Frank Koudelka.
Well, Mr. Koudelka,
you've only been with us a week,
so your pay packet comes to 305,50
But there are some items to be paid
out of that.
Drying out, fishing out, de-mudding?
I don't understand.
- That's the Fiat, I expect.
- That your total pay this time
is 5,50.
- Thank you.
Good morning.
- Can you please let me have some
good wine for up to 9,50?
- 50 crowns? Of course.
- No, up to nine crowns, fifty hellers.
- In that case, sorry.
But we have some good quality cider.
If you excuse me - I'll had it down.
Very good.
One bottle is like another, what?
- No, no... thanks. No.
Some business...
...friendship between Man and Dog.
Just remember the St. Bernard's
with its little barrel,
...saving lives.
Remember the film Four in a Tank plus
a Dog.
That was Sharik, just an animal, what?
Again a beautiful piece of proof.
I am not afraid to say
that it was the exhibition committee,
Doktor Vlcek in fact,
who brought a little fresh, new air
into the competition.
There are not many competition such
as this.
But I think I am talking on behalf
of all of you
when I say that even if it's not
raining, a few raindrops are enough.
And now an interesting piece of news
for you.
The editorial office of the magazine
Your Four-legged Fried has issued
a noteworthy novelty for breeders.
It is a dog calendar, which you can
buy in area B, at the stand.
Not only Man, but even his doggie-friend
will now be able to celebrate
his name-day.
Like today for example:
Have you remembered to congratulate
Harry? It's his name day.
And frankly speaking, some sweet morsel
would probably give him pleasure, too.
Tomorrow Astas have their name-day.
On Monday it's Buster, Tuesday Caesar,
Wednesday Rex.
Thursday is Kazan day, Friday Ajax
and Saturday Baron.
The dog calendar hasn't forgotten
non-pedigree dogs, either.
For example on September 1st it's
Puddly's name-day,
on the second Cuddly's,
on the third Muddly's,
the fourth is Patch, the fifth Rover,
the sixth Spot
and the seventh Nora.
Film-star dogs celebrate their
name-days in December.
So don't forget!
Get your dog calendar in area B.
Well. For now the going's good,
Frankie.
Only that West-German in front of us.
Look what I bought for you from him.
Japanese bracelets. Put yours on at
once, it's very calming for the nerves.
Look, Gregory has one too.
- Thank you.
Auntie, could you please lend me
twenty crowns?
- You're out of money?
- That's right.
- How's that? You had 200 crown notes
in your suitcase underneath your shirts.
That's what I bought the thing for...
- Oh, this...
- Yes, this!
- Oh, I see!
Well you see Frankie,
it said in the instructions
that we should wear sports apparel.
O.K., what?
Wait! Here you are.
And what do you need it for?!
- For Judo insurance.
- But you said they'd insured you
already.
- But they say that I'm a beginner
so that I have to have additional
insurance... additional.
Insurance.
Oh, don't you smell lovely!
- What of?
- Garlic toast.
- Must be this.
I'm taking it to the laundry.
You'd better slip it away somewhere
so it doesn't smell all over the place.
- Look, this is my room.
I mean our room with the dog.
I mean with Gregory.
This is where I sleep and this is
where Gregory sleeps.
I mean the other way round!
I sleep here and Gregory there.
There's nothing in it.
Well... come into the sitting room.
This is our sitting room.
That's my aunt's and mine, together.
- And your aunt doesn't know we're here?
No. But don't worry,
she won't know a thing,
because Gregory always wins
a prize and then they go celebrating.
She'll stay there and...
- But it's a bit silly, isn't it?
Just imagine how embarrassing
it would be, were she to appear...
I know, I did want to tell her,
but I have these bad days now...
But don't you worry, everything's
changing on the twenty-seventh.
I'll revolt.
- You'd better let me! If these are
your bad days...
- The cork.
Now then, wait, Gregory!
Auntie!
- And here we are. What now?
- You must hide!
Come, come! Come, quickly!
Into the wardrobe.
- Oh, go on...
- What?
Yes, it is a bit daft.
Wait!
Into my bed.
- You're crazy?! In your bed?
- You must!
- Why in my bed?
- What?
A book!
Start reading! Quickly!
Wait! I forgot the wine.
The wine.
Quick, quick, quick!
Christ,
Look...
Look at that...
No, don't look...
Turn round! Turn round!
I've got a idea.
Wait!
Here, put this on!
Come on, stand still!
Wait! Don't pick it up!
Just leave that alone!
Just leave that alone! I'll...
I'll pick it up afterwards.
You stand here, will you.
Turn round, that's right.
Hush! You leave it to me!
It'll be O.K.
Why did you take such a time opening
the door?
- We have... a sudden... breakdown...
- I see.
How do you think Gregory was placed?
- First! First.
- Well, you guessed wrong. Fourth!
- Fourth?
- Yes.
First in Paris
and fourth in a Prague suburb.
Would you believe it?
- No. Our Gregory, and he came fourth?
- Come on...
Well, I certainly wouldn't have...
definitely not.
Maybe third.
At least.
But fourth, really...
Fourth...
Frankie...!
- Well,
if he came fourth, then I really
don't understand a thing any more...
...I just don't... understand it.
And he had that bracelet, then surely
I wouldn't have thought he'd come...
It can't be.
Oh!
Who's eating ginger-bread off
my cottage?
Come and meet. This is my aunt...
my aunt.
And this is my...
...the television mechanic...
Who repairs television sets.
If...
And what you see in her hand, auntie,
that's a hammer. I mean, that's a tool
...and she's just finished.
So...
Now she's just going to work it out.
...that means generally...
We...
They usually send men from the TV
service place, but this time...
There was something they couldn't...
and so this woman is. What they sent...
She brought some wine...
I mean I bought it,
but actually she sort of...
She's a teetotaller.
An absolute teetotaller.
We spilled it.
See, we spilled it all.
- Don't you worry, children.
I know what to do...
- Please don't be angry with us,
Mrs Sykora. I told Frank
that he ought to tell you.
After all he is of age.
So why should he keep it a secret
that we go out together?
- After a moment the old man came
puffing up to the field.
He stops by the old woman and asks:
Tell me, woman, have two children
come this way?
- Look here, my dear young lady...
- You can call Blanche Blanche, auntie.
- Look here, my dear young lady,
Frankie's mother is very poor,
she lives in a tiny cottage.
When she wants to send me a present,
she sends me one egg.
And in exchange for that she expects
me to see to it
that her son remains a good boy
while he's in Prague.
And aren't I, auntie?
I would not like to offend you, young
lady, but Frank has to make his choice.
Either he lives with me
and holds a decent job,
or girls!
Gregory, come along!
Woman, I'm asking you, have two children
passed this way?
Listen, auntie, Blanche isn't a...
she isn't a girl!
Woman...
Well... that was unpleasant, wasn't it.
- That it was.
Well now! So my first warning
wasn't sufficient?
So let's try a sharper note, shall we?
- Stop it, Charles.
Coming home too?
Come along, then!
- Good night, Blanche.
- So this is the last time!
Fifteen metres from this young lady
is the closest for you, d'you hear?
Fifteen metres.
- Come on!
Did you see what he dares suggest
with that little hand of his?
Now then, this is the limit...
Let me out!
One ticket for Wednesday,
one for Thursday,
one for Friday, one for Saturday
and one by the isle.
I mean all of them by the isle!
Heavens, can't you all go together?
I hope I don't see you here again
tomorrow, Mack!
- Unless you change your saloon,
sheriff.
Well, if you insist...
Get down off that lamp, Donald,
I can see you!
Get off those rungs, Zachata!
Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
As you know, Hemele is in the army now
and Smola has fallen sick.
So that one of the new men will have
to stand in
to complete the team.
We shall of course not be expecting
any miracles from him.
Just that he participates
and that he isn't too much of a duffer.
Now then, you'll be wanting
to volunteer.
Well? Come on...
So nobody's volunteering? In that case
I'll have to make my own choice.
What's that man's name from that
Chvojkovice place.
The one I tested when he joined us?
Ah, here you are! What's your name?
- Koudelka.
- Well, you seem to be promising
for a beginner!
Would you dare take it on?
- The twenty-seventh is a Wednesday.
According to that chart of yours
that should be your lucky day.
So let's see how it works!
If you think so... all right... I mean
if you need me to make up the number...
I mean in the interests
of them team...
I mean in the interests of the team...
Maybe somebody else should take it on.
- Fine! That's a nice resolute answer.
A real man we have here.
So seventh in the team is Hemelka.
Koudelka.
- Pity I shan't be here.
I've got a moonlighting job on
in Jesenice that night. I've promised.
Well, 'bye.
What will the gentleman have?
I wanted to warn you not
to leave Prague
on Wednesday the twenty-seventh.
Just wanted to warn you, that's all.
Ciao.
I hope I shan't be seeing you here
tomorrow, Mack!
- Unless you change your saloon,
sheriff.
Well, if you insist...
Get down off that lamp, Donald,
I can see you!
Come here, Mrs Mrazek!
Just look at the man in the eighth row,
by the aisle.
This is the fourth day
I've been watching him go on like this.
Today is Wednesday, September
the twenty-seventh.
Czechoslovak Radio opens the day's
transmissions
and wishes you a very good day.
Did you want anything, Frank?
- I only wanted to tell you
that I'll be coming home
when I want and with whom I want.
Frankie, how dare you...!
- And as far as Gregory goes,
I'm going to walk him no more often
than every other day from now on,
at the utmost.
One night you, one night me!
Shofer.
- What shauffeur?
- Shofer!
- Oh, and where do you come from?
- From Vesely.
- I see.
- Good morning, Mr Pouza.
- Hello there.
- How are we today?
- Not worth a decent shit, chum.
I'm run off my feet.
Now this Shofer...
- That means your critical day is on.
You need strong nerves.
You need extra resistance.
- What are you babbling about?
- A star means success.
Are you stupid, or what?!
Now boys, and get going!
- Won't work, boss.
- See, that's what the results are...
We don't know how to spend our money,
so we stay up till all hours
of the morning painting the town red -
I saw you - and then, then this.
We can't lift a thing.
- Boys, boys, boys...
- All of a sudden.
Can't lift an ordinary little load!
- Excuse me.
- Get off, stupid!
Just a moment!
Hey, this is the new man.
The Shofer guy.
- Ah yes, come along then!
- Good morning.
- Who did it?
- Koudelka.
Must have gone mad or something.
- Christ...
Come with me!
Come here! Stop whistling!
Come here, Frank!
Look here!
I'm absolutely dense today.
- Oh come on...
- I'm just plain stupid today.
Do this for me, will you?
I've got all of yesterday's bribes
on me.
Take them and keep them for me,
of I'd go and lose them.
My brain's in a critical state.
- Critical?
Yes.
Dear friend.
The plant in which you have decided to
work is on of the most modern in Europe.
After all, you can see for yourself.
But it is our duty to point out certain
pitfalls in your new job.
Koudelka...
What do you see?
- A car.
- Correct.
What else?
- A mechanic.
- Correct. Absolutely correct, my boy.
You see how well they are doing?
Here Koudelka, for example. Hop!
But attention!
Every three months one these men leaves
our garage gates in an ambulance.
Oh! Well that's...
That's some class, Sir!
Excuse me! Sir!
- And each one of them was told
by our manager here when he started...
- Wait! You see that? You see that?
Pockets full of bribes.
- My goodness...
- Well! Finish what you were saying.
- My goodness...
- Go on, say it!
Clock in this mornig and now this.
- He was here just a minute ago!
- Well! Well...!
- I must be going mad.
- And here we are.
And I told every one of them here right
here at this spot...
Turn him around!
I told him:
Don't take bribes... Don't take bribes,
or you'll go crazy.
And he didn't take my advice.
Kokoloushek!
Koudelka, did you say?
You sure keep us busy, Mr Karfik.
Yes, I'll send my men over as soon
as they come in.
Look here, Beda, I'd like to toodle
off now.
Will you please mark my card for me
when you leave.
- Hm, I'll be here till late anyway,
I've got to finish this frying-pan.
- I've got that competition on today,
so forgive me for not helpings you.
- That's O.K. If the guy hadn't paid
for the job in advance,
I'd have come to take a look at you.
But he needs the car in the morning.
Well, I don't know, where would
Koudelka...
Just a moment!
Hm, right.
And now let them change roles!
- That's right.
Now Ruzicka will be the customer
and Manas the mechanic.
And try to really put yourselves
in their places, boys,
so that it's natural-like.
- This is the anti-bribery course.
Good morning, Mr Ruzicka.
- Good morning, Mr Manas.
- Well, the car's ready.
- I'm terribly glad, Mr Manas.
And here's something for you.
A few hundred-crown bank notes
of mine for you.
- Oh no indeed, I couldn't,
because we get a regular monthly salary.
- And what about bricks, Mr Manas?
- Is Koudelka here by any chance?
- Well, bricks.
- I don't have any here.
- Whatcher mean you don't have any,
this sort of thing, pretend.
- Can I accept bricks?
- Just a moment!
This is a scandal.
So Koudelka walks out of the place
during work-hours.
What do you want? Come here!
- You ask him!
- If I can accept bricks?
You see? There's an example for you
bricks...
Although that is actually
no classical bribe,
we feel that it certainly would be...
On the other hand...
No accepting bricks! Continue!
- And what...
Yes.
Oh but... Mr Manas! What do I see?
Show me your teeth!
What if I...
- Whatcher doing?
- What if you came and visited me
at my surgery
and I pulled all your teeth out.
- Sir, he wants to pull all my teeth
out.
A bribe through the offer of another
service. Not permissible.
Just a minute, I'm not giving him
anything in this case.
I'm taking something away from him.
Calm down, calm down, calm down!
Such a thing really can happen.
Say the customer is a doctor and offers
us some sort of medical assistance.
Like taking out our appendix,
for example.
And so I ask you:
By taking out our appendix, is he...
No accepting appendices!
- That's right.
- Prouza, what do you sit in that
porter's lodge for if anybody can come
and go as they like?
- He must have slithered through
somehow.
- Slithered...
- So we go back with an empty bag again.
...some new, fresh air.
There aren't many young people
who cultivate this sport
single-mindedly.
But as we Judo-players say,
there's no need for a shower,
a few rain-drops will do too.
Thank you for your kind attention.
And now the first contestants
are walking up for their fight.
Karel Vomacka, Kyu one,
and Frank Koudelka, Kyu four.
Koudelka!
Remember what we said!
We need no more from you than not
to lose under the limit.
And not be disqualified.
We are counting with your being beaten.
But see that it's according
to the rules.
See?
- Don't worry, this is my day!
I'll strike him down
he won't know where the lightning
struck from.
That was good, Koudelka! There now,
god... good man!
- I just need to pop off to a buffet,
I need to pop off.
- No doping, Koudelka!
- No. I just have to arrange something,
something important.
- Well, you have something under
an hour's time, so get a move on!
- I'll get a move on.
STS Chvojkovice-Brod.
Hm...
Hi, boys!
Where's that squirt who's at the bar
usually?
- What?
You mean me?
No, sorry! I'm looking for your
colleague.
You'll have to go to Jesenice!
He's barman at a dance there.
Hello, hello! Contestant Koudelka!
Contestant Koudelka,
into the ring at once.
I repeat: Contestant Koudelka
into the ring at once.
- O.K., I'm coming!
Listen, Koudelka! That Vomacka chap
had the jaundice not long ago,
he was quite out of form,
this is another kettle of fish,
you be careful and don't risk too much!
- Don't you worry!
I'll smash him up too.
And now we see Frank Koudelka,
Kyu four,
with Jan Slama,
Kyu two.
Koudelka, man alive, I just don't
know you.
- I need to pop off to Jesenice.
- What?
- I mean to the work-shop,
I need to pop off to the garage.
- Do.
There's such a heap of nonsense in here,
it makes my head spin.
- Listen, whose is it?
- Some Danish musician's.
- Ah...
Look... repair the air... condition.
- If at least I knew where the air
conditioning motor is.
- Beda boy, maybe it's this.
- It is, you know?!
- Hasn't he got it all shiny, what?
Well, these foreign makes...
This is brass!
- And who's supposed to know
one's way round the thing?
God, and just today I have such a darned
stupid head.
- Hey, look, it's come apart here.
- But where on earth do I put the end?!
- What about trying here?
- You're right again, you know?
Wait!
Wait, I'll try it and see what happens.
- Give it a try!
I must say, Mr Prouza...
- There now!
Beautiful timing, beautiful!
Well, brass...
Coming!
Yes, yes... I'm coming!
- Good evening, Mr Prouza.
- Ah, welcome, my boy, welcome.
- Come right in!
And I'll lock up again after you.
- I only want... you see I need...
- So what people don't toodle in
- Perhaps I'll just...
and out all the time, see!
Hello! Psychiatry?
This is Prouza, the porter.
Hello Beda.
I need to borrow a car.
- For how long?
- I'd bring it back in the morning.
- Hm, all right! Wait! Come here! But
you do something for me in that case.
Look here, you know that woman...
Mrs Neyella.
- I know. Whose husband is abroad
all the time.
- That's right.
It's her birthday today
and I can't go and visit her. And you
know these types, she's one of those
who likes these pretty little ways and
stuff and my intelligence is at zero.
Look here, here's fifty crowns
and go and get her a big bunch of roses.
But look here, they have to be roses,
because yesterday,
when my brain still worked,
I made up a poem for her.
Roses are a step to love - from Beda
with love to roses.
- You really made that up all
by yourself?
You're really quite...
...a poet!
'Th... That's what I call a poem!
Bye, than.
Should you need me, I'm off to Jesenice.
- 'Bye, Frank!
Hey there, Beda, get me a bottle
of beer on your test run!
Hello there.
- Where is that Koudelka guy?
- The one you called us up about?
- Come with me!
- Look, over there in hall two.
- He's blondish, with nose and ears...
- That'll be him!
That'll definitely be him.
- Come along!
- Carefully, Ernest!
These are trousers.
Yeah... As I said, intelligence
at zero point.
And now you'll hear a recording
of today's Judo event.
Right at the start I'll tell you
that we had a great surprise.
A new man in the team, Frank Koudelka,
made light work of removing
that old veteran, Vomacka, an hour ago.
And now he's going to fight
the Brno favourite, Slama.
And he is really doing well.
We wish him all possible success.
He is a very pleasant boy.
Well prepared technically
and physically.
All his future lies before him.
One hold after another,
excellent hand a footwork.
He is fast, full of fighting spirit.
That's how it should be.
That's what we like.
Really a great performance.
And now the next two combatants,
Josef Sindelar and Frantisek Vlcek.
So you are not Mr. Koudelka?
- No.
- You see, patient Koudelka maintains
that his name is not Koudelka.
Let us pose another question.
Do you work as a car mechanic?
- Yes.
- Do notice that,
the patient remembers his vocation.
Which means we have a very usual case
of madness here.
- Look here, just you say I'm mad
once again
and I'll lick the place to pieces
for you!
- Yes, yes. Moderate aggressiveness,
more or less verbial only.
Dangerous madmen catch hold
of any weapon
they can in such a situation
immediately. Whatever comes to hand.
An ashtray, a stick, a book, scissors
or even a violin bow.
Are you looking for Mrs Neyella,
by any chance?
You must be Mr. Hudecek in that case?
- Well, actually I... actually I...
- I have a message for you,
you are to join her at chateau Konopiste
right away.
There's some sort of a show on there.
Here's a ticket for you.
Or they wouldn't let you
in otherwise, see.
Well, be seeing you.
And now, dear friends, I give you
Frank Koudelka again,
starting off for his next fight.
He's really shaking with eagerness.
Shaking to get at his rival.
He is not afraid, he attacks
with great speed, energy,
in a very special and characteristic
style.
Keep it up Koudelka! He really
has tremendous physical strength.
One hold after another.
Excellent!
Yes, and Koudelka has won.
And that is the end of our short
TV shot.
Is this right for Konopiste, please?
- Yes, straight on.
- I hear there's some sort of a show on?
- Yes, right beyond the next bend.
There are droves of organizers around.
You can ask them.
- Fine. Thanks.
And I should like to thank
the organizers of this race,
particularly Doctor Kratky,
for not being afraid to let some clean,
fresh air into our motorism.
Could you please...
- Give him number thirty-five!
- No... Excuse me, I only want to get
to Chateau Konopiste...
- Go! Go!
...of very telling names.
Ada Skalicka, number ten
and then number twelve...
- I only want to...
- Go!
- Go, go!
- It's a fact that there aren't
many competitions
of this kind. But as we motorists say:
- What are you doing?
- There's no need for a shower,
a few drops help too.
KONOPISTE TOUR 12
TO KONOPISTE CHATEAU
Yes, friends, this is the winner
of this year's seventh competition
dog-show the Klatovy show,
which took place
there this afternoon.
- Yes, yes...
You see, Gregory... Janda from Chrudim
was there again with that poor fish
of his and he went and won.
Just look at that?
Sit up straight!
- And now for motorism fans.
Over to our team at Konopiste.
We are just in time to see the winners
take their stand.
Mrs Sykora speaking.
Who?
Psychiatry?
Yes, yes.
For God's sake...
But... well, actually he did seem a bit
odd today.
What do you say he says?
But no... surely... no...
But I...
For Goodness sake here he is. Professor,
I can see him! For God's sake!
Whose sake?
On, I see. Yes.
And what sort of a form does
this vision of yours have?
You say he's standing on a pedestal.
And wearing what?
A wreath?
Something like... like a funeral?
Mrs Sykora, Vinohrady.
Just go on talking, Mrs Sykora!
Yes, yes I'm listening.
Ribbons, yes. Manes Street number 10.
Really a beautiful vision!
Just show me the list of competitors!
He's not on it.
No Koudelka exists on that list.
- Calm down, calm down!
We'll find an explanation.
If you are right, then of course
you are first, as always.
- In that case of course I must insist
on a repetition of the ceremony.
Our institution, Mr Hudecek,
I mean to say on behalf
of our institution permit me
to apologize for this sorry mistake,
the sort of mistake that happens
once in ten years at the utmost.
I was on my way to some show
at the chateau,
nobody asked me a thing,
they slapped a number on my car...
- Man alive, and did you have to drive
that fast?!
Is that the sort of speed for excursions
to shows?
- As soon as I stopped everybody
kept shouting: Go, go, go!
- Mr Chairman, I must insist
on a repetition of the ceremony.
We wish to announce a change
in the previously announced results.
First place goes to Stanislav Volejnik,
number twelve.
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Would the mother whose pram
with child are crying
in front of the toilets please
come and fetch the aforesaid child.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
- This way, please.
This way.
- Hooray!
I've won!
Hooray!
J APANESE MINIATURES BY UKO JESITA
Who are we waiting for?
- The Japanese artist is to open
the show personally.
- Oh, I see.
Where can he be?
This way, please.
- Most honoured maestro.
On behalf of the exhibition committee
permit me to welcome you most sincerely
at this festive opening of you
exhibition at Konopiste Chateau.
So you are not Mr Koudelka?
- I am not!
And let me proclaim here and publicly
that when I see him I'll shoot him down.
- The most dangerous type of madman
of all uses fire-arms.
And not only pistols and guns.
Just look at this old rifle.
It belonged to Josef Maranek
from Prague, Podoli.
He ruined three ambulances
before we managed
to bring him back to our institution.
But let us now return to Mr Koudelka
here.
This way, please.
- How charming that he arrived
in the Japanese national costume.
- It suits him so beautifully.
- Just look! He is wearing a Japanese
bracelet!
I hear it's compulsory now in Japan.
- But his eyes aren't very slanted.
- They have operations done nowadays.
What's up?
- I think I know him from somewhere.
Roses are a step to love - from Beda
with love to roses.
Excuse me.
On behalf of our institution,
Mr Volejnik,
please accept our apologies for this
sorry mistake,
the sort of mistake that happens
twice in ten years... at the utmost.
Twice.
- Well, I hope you catch him.
I'm telling you,
he must be at that show.
His car has a Danish number-plate.
Goodbye.
But of course it was me
who won the race! I won it, Sir, I!
I have the honour of opening
the exhibition of the Japanese
miniatures painter, Uko Jeshita.
The maestro was originally
a watch-maker.
And maybe it was working with
a microscope
that awoke in him originally
this longing to concentrate
all his powerful genius on canvases
measured in millimetres.
Let us for example take a look at
the Fight between Odysseus and Cyclopus.
On an area two by two millimetres
we see a battle raging
between Man and the elements.
A hard and merciless battle.
A battle to the death.
But what tenderness there is in this
battle, too.
The painter seems to have been handling
Cyclops with a loving touch.
And so...
And so let us pass on.
Jeshita's artistic path is admirably
straight, with a firm aim in view.
Everything the artist has touched,
everywhere we feel the delicate fingers
of Jeshita-the-watchmaker.
Many of you may ask... where actually
does Jeshita the Painter stand?
My answer is: With feet
planted firmly on the ground.
It was Jeshita who let in a little new,
- This way, please!
- Fresh air into world painting.
There aren't many artists of his format.
But that does not matter, friends.
I think that I am saying this on behalf
of all of us...
We think that there doesn't have
to be a shower,
that a few rain-drops are good enough
too.
And not let us walk over to the pool,
where our committee has prepared
a little refreshment - freshly caught
raw gold-fish - Japanese, of course.
This way.
Who arrived in this car?
- The Japanese painter.
He's upstairs, at the show.
- A Japanese.
A Japanese painter in a Danish car!
- This time it's dead cert, chum.
This is Mr. Uko Yeshita.
I cannot understand what happened.
- Welcome.
Listen, which is the Japanese guy?
- The over there, talking to those
gentlemen.
- But I smell a rat. A real Japanese
would be wearing a bracelet...
- Yeah.
- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.
- This way.
- This way.
How do you like our exhibition, maestro?
- Could we talk to this gentleman?
- For a moment.
Mr Yeshita says that the environment
for the exhibition
was chosen extremely suitably.
- Tell him
that we'll show him a much
better environment still!
- Mr Yeshita says, well, it's a bit
difficult to translate,
it's sort of word game.
Literally is says how many cherries,
so many cherries
but the actual meaning...
- He can talk as much gibberish as he
likes, we're used to that sort of thing.
Hop, in you go!
That's right, in you go.
Alligator.
Mr Yeshita is asking if you're taking
him far?
- Tell him he'll be there in two ticks.
- In two ticks. That's a bit of a puzzle
for a translator to interpret too...
Yeshita, Yeshita - you're in the bag!
- The old man'll be agape when we bring
in this one!
This is unbelievable stupidity.
Looks like I'll have to go out catching
my own patients...
Nurse, get me the Oriental Languages
Institute,
Japanese section.
Such ignorance! Such irresponsibility!
This is...
Yes, I even dare use the word...
This is...
Kokoloushek.
Would you kindly translate a sentence
for a patient of mine?
Here we go.
Our institution
on behalf of your institution
wishes to apologize most profoundly
for this worry mistake
that happens at the utmost...
How many times, nurse?
...three times in ten years.
Tell them, will you, that he always
comes and with no reason on earth
and will you kindly emphasize that -
for no reason on earth - he attacks me.
Tell them he's been here twice and he
threatened to come back a third time.
He's raving mad!
- Come here! Wait!
Madhouse.
Mad... mad... mad... madrigal...
See Concert Association...
Professor, there was a 'phone call
from a gymnasium to say
that Koudelka keeps coming back there
and attacking one of the employees
for no reason.
- Oh, Frankie!
- A clear case of insultation mania.
Holna, Malota!
But this time I'm coming with you!
They weren't looking for me, were they?
- But the contest...
finished ages ago, my boy.
- Good.
Charlie, be careful!
Here he is again.
I repeat: Charlie, Charlie!
Mind out, he comes again!
Where is he?
- He just went upstairs.
- Wait, wait!
What is he wearing?
- Those Japanese togs.
Whatchermecallits - a kimono.
I've got him!
Charlie, it's O.K. Now, they've got him.
I repeat: Charlie, Charlie!
They've got him!
Hello, boys!
Where's that shity bloke who sells beer?
Get down from that lamp, Donald!
I can see you.
Frankie, stop it! Don't behave like
some little Jerry!
- Oh, is it a quarter to one already?
That means I'm down in my crisis days,
have been for fifteen minutes now.
I propose... permit me to propose...
...interrupting the fight
until the fourteenth...
...of next month.
Be seeing you!
Charles! Let him be, don't behave like
some little Jerry.
Hurry, hurry up, chum!
- Yeah... come on, come on, come on!
- We have to... Let's go! Let's go!
I... I'll get him...
- That's him! See?
Just look, according to the photograph,
it's him.
- Let's go!
Can you tell me...
...your name, please?
- Frank Koudelka.
- Jerry, stop it! Don't behave like
some little Charlie.
- You keep out of it.
- But they're fighting because of me!
Could you please show us
your identity card?
Koudelka!
- Koudelka!
- You...
- Leave him alone! Wait!
I think this time there can't be
a mistake, chum!
- Consider well, chum!
- Just look at him, man!
Just look at him!
Just a moment!
Look, the very image...
- Identity correct too, he even
confessed to being Koudelka.
- Please continue.
Into the bag with him, chum!
Frank!
We've got him!
- He's in the bag!
- Koudelka!
Come along, then.
- Shove him in!
Hop you go inside!
Look here!
Frank, this just can't go on.
You and Charles would keep fighting,
and then at work I can't do a thing
right for him
And your aunt... She won't leave us
alone either.
I'm sorry to be telling you
in your weak moment,
but I think we should get married.
O.K., but how can I go and get married
in this...
I'm not in all that much of a hurry.
We can wait till tomorrow.
I'll show you, you and your Koudelka!
I'll show you!
I'll...
I'll set fire to this Koudelka of yours!
Load her up!
There!
That Kokoloushek chap is driving me mad!
How do you set about it all, good
neighbours, that you're so successful?
- Frank always knows when to do what.
On Thursday I'm building that barn.
Are you Frank Koudelka,
born in'... fifty two?
- Yes, that's me.
Our computing centre South would like
to apologize most profoundly.
We have found that the condition
charts we have been sending you
for years don't belong to you at all,
but to your name-sake,
old-sake, old-age pensioner
Frank Koudelka in Pribram.
- If I may introduce myself,
I am Tony Trousil.
As the cause of the error was
a faulty electrode E 13
produced at our plant Catode,
Olomouc,
our factory would like to join in
in the apologies.
We are convinced that this error
may have caused
some irreparable damage in your life,
and that is why we would be happy
for you to accept a little gift,
this eight-cylinder car Tatra,
which is testing some new equipment
with pertinax carburettor
and radial oil circulation.
- All the best with the Pertinax.
What about going for a ride?
- Yeah, where to?
Somewhere for a dip...
THE END