Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) - full transcript

Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back - Comedy 2001 English

Bobby boy, stay here while Mammy
picks up the free cheese, OK?

This'll keep the sun
out of your eyes.

You be good, now.

All right, don't you fucking
move, you little shit machine.

Momma's gonna try to score.

What the hell?

Excuse me.
Who's watching these babies?

Uh, the fat one's watching
the little one.

Oh, nice parenting.

Leave them out here like that
and see what happens.



Yo, fuck you,
you fucking square!

Aw, keep on truckin'.

Did you hear that fucking guy

telling me how
to fucking raise you?

Mother-fucker, man.

Who does he fucking think he is?

What's the worst fucking thing
that could happen to you

standing in front
of a fucking store, right?

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Mother, mother-fuck,
mother, mother-fuck, fuck.



Mother-fuck, mother-fuck,
noise, noise, noise

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

Noise, noise, noise.

Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz.

Doin' coke, drinkin' beers.

Drinkin' beers, beers, beers.

Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts.

Who smokes the blunts,
we smoke the blunts.

Rollin' blunts and smokin'

Uh, let me get a nickel bag.

Fifteen bucks, little man.

Put that shit in my hand.

If that money doesn't show.

Then you owe me, owe me, owe.

My jungle love, yeah.

Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe

I think I want
to know ta, know ta.

Yeah, what?

What the hell are you singing?

You don't know "Jungle Love"?

That shit is the mad notes

written by God herself

and handed down to the greatest
band in the world

the mother-fucking Time!

You mean the guys
in that Prince movie?

Yeah, "Purple Rain".

That shit was so gay
fucking eighties style.

Hey!

Don't never say an unkind word
about the Time.

Me and Silent Bob modelled
our whole fucking lives

around Morris Day and Jerome.

I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy

and Tubby here's
my black manservant.

What?

What'd I tell you two

about dealing
in front of the store?

Now drop the kid
and peddle your wares

some-place else, burn boy.

And for the record,
the Time sucked ass.

Yo, you guys wanna hear
something fucked up

about him and that Quick Stop boy?

Are you even supposed
to be here today?

Don't get me started.

Hey, can't we do something

about those two stoners
hanging around

outside the store all the time?

Why? What'd they do now?

I'm trying to watch
"Clash of the Titans"

and all I can hear is those two

screaming about Morris Day
at the top of their lungs.

I thought the fat one
didn't really talk that much.

What, am I producing
an A&E biography about them?

Uh, two packs of wraps.

Yo, how was the service?

What service?

The one at the Unitarian Church
last week

where you two got married
to each other.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Jay said you guys had
a "Star Wars" theme wedding

and you tied the knot
dressed like Storm-troopers.

And he says you're the bitch,
and you're the butch.

I'm the bitch?

Well, if we were gay,
that's the way I'd see it.

Will you shut up?

Holy shit, dude.

The honeymoon's over.

Oh, that does it.

I am going to do something
about these two stoner fucks

I should have done
a long time ago.

Whoa!

What the fuck, Serpico?
What'd we do?

We got a report of two guys

hanging around outside
a store selling pot.

We don't smoke pot, yo.

No pot, huh?
What do you use this for?

What? I have a wiping problem.

I stick those
little pieces of paper

up my brown eye and bam!

No shit stains in my undies.

What, you don't believe me?
Let me show you.

Check this shit out.
Spread my cheeks

so that he can see
the fucking stink nuggets.

Pull up your fucking pants, sir
Now!

Let's go. Let's go.

We're going down to the station.

What, is it a fucking
crime to fart? Mother-fucker!

No fucking way.

Dante and Randall slapped you
with a restraining order?

Ain't that about a bitch?

So, are you going to abide
by the court's ruling

or are you going to go
"Bandit", Reynolds style?

The judge said if we
go within a hundred feet

of the stores,
we get thrown into County.

You know what they
make you do in County?

Toss the salad.

I guess if you guys
really wanted

to hang out in front
of a convenience store

you could just buy your own now,

what with all that money
you guys made.

Hell, yeah, bitch.

Wait a sec. What money?

The money from the "Blunt man
and Chronic" movie.

Oh, my God. Don't tell me
you have no idea

there's a movie being made

of the comic you two
were the basis for.

What? Since when?

Here's the pulse, all right?

And this is your finger.

Far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.

Say, would you like
a chocolate-covered pretzel?

You see, kids,
if you read "Wizard",

you'd know that it's
the top story this month.

Check it out.

When the fuck did this happen?

Well, after "X-Men"
hit at the box office

all the studios
started buying up

every comic property
they could get

their dirty little hands on.

Mir amax optioned
"Blunt man and Chronic".

Mir amax? I thought they only
made classy pictures

like "The Piano"
or "The Crying Game".

Yeah, well, once they made
"She's All That",

everything went to hell.

So you're saying you haven't
gotten a monetary cut

of the movie?

Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards

used to pay you likeness
rights for the comic book?

We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.

Well, boys, I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky

owe you some of that
proverbial phat cash.

If I was you guys,
I would find Holden McNeil

and ask for my movie check.

Shit, yeah. We got to get paid.

And on that note,
we cue the music.

Well.

Look at these morose
mother fuckers right here.

Smells like somebody
shit in their cereal.

Bung! Ha ha ha!

That was good. Come on in.

So, what brings
you two dirt merchants

to my neck of the woods?

I'll tell you what our necks
are doing in your woods.

Where's our mother-fucking
movie check?

You heard about that, huh?
I got nothing to do with it.

That's Banky's deal.
He owns the property now.

I sold my half of the "Blunt man
and Chronic" rights

to him years ago.

Why the fuck would you
do a thing like that?

Why in God's name
would I wanna keep writing

about characters whose
central preoccupation

is weed, and dick and fart jokes?

I mean, you got to grow, man.

Don't you ever want
anything more for yourself?

I know this poor hapless
son of a bitch does.

I look into his sorry doe eyes

and I just
I see a man crying out.

He's crying out, "When, Lord?"

"When the fuck can your servant"

"ditch this foul-mouthed
little chucklehead"

"to whom I am a constant
victim of his folly"

"so much so that
it prevents him"

"from ever getting
to kiss a girl?"

"Fuck! When, Lord, when?"

"When's gonna be my time?"

He knows.

I'm the chucklehead?
You're the fucking dumb-ass

who gave your comic away,
and now you don't get

no fucking movie check, neither.

When you're right, you're right.

I wish I held onto
a little piece of that thing

because if the buzz
is any indicator,

that movie's going
to make some huge bank.

What buzz?

The Internet buzz.

What the fuck is the Internet?

The Internet
is a communications tool

used the world over, where
people can come together

to bitch about movies and share
pornography with one another.

Poop shoot. Yeah.

This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs

sad, pathetic little bastards

living in their
parents' basement

downloading scripts

and what they think
is inside information

about movies and actors
they claim to despise

yet can't stop discussing.

OK, this is about "Blunt man
and Chronic" right here.

"Inside sources tell me."

"Mir amax is starting
production this Friday"

"on their adaptation
of underground comic fave."

"Blunt man and Chronic".

Friday? Shit, does it say
who's fucking playing us

in the movie?

No, but it's Mir amax

so I'm sure it'll be
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

You know, they put them
in a bunch of movies.

Who?

You know, those kids
from "Good Will Hunting".

You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?

Yeah, I wasn't a big fan, either

but Affleck was the bomb
in "Phantoms".

Word, bitch. "Phantoms"
like a mother-fucker.

What's up now?

Ahem. All right.

So, here we go. Now, this
is the shoot-back section.

This is where the people
who read the news

get to chime in
with their two cents.

For example, we got a guy here

with the chick magnet
net handle "Wompa One"

opining on what he thinks
about "Blunt man and Chronic".

He says, "Blunt man and Chronic
and their stupid alter egos".

"Jay and Silent Bob only work
in small doses, if at all."

"They don't deserve
their own movie."

He's got a point. Fuck him.

What's the next one say?

This is entitled "Fuck Them
Up Their Stupid Asses".

"Blunt man and Chronic is
the worst comic I ever read."

"Jay and Silent Bob
are stupid characters,"

"a couple of stoners who spout
dumb-ass catch phrases,"

"like a third-rate
Cheech and Chong"

"or Bill and Ted."

"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."

"Fuck them up their stupid asses."

Who the fuck said that shit?

A guy who calls himself
"Magnolia Fan".

All right, here,
check this one out.

"Jay and Silent Bob
are one-note jokes"

"that only stoners laugh at."

"They're fucking clown shoes."

"If they were real, I'd beat
the shit out of them"

"for being so stupid."

"I, for one, will be
boycotting this movie."

"Who's with me?"

Then there's, like,
fifty more posts

of people who are joining
Spartacus's here boycott.

I'm gonna kill all these fucks.

Let it go, man. They're
not talking about you guys.

They're talking about
"Blunt man and Chronic".

They said Jay and Silent Bob.
They used our real names.

It doesn't matter if there's
a comic book version of us

and a real version,

because no one knows
we're real in real life.

Really?

All these people
reading that shit

think the real
Jay and Silent Bob

are a couple jerkoffs

because of what all
these dick-heads are writing

about the comic book
Jay and Silent Bob.

Maybe one night
me and Lunch Box are out

we're makin' some chick
and shit, and she's, like.

"Ooh, I wanna suck
youse guys' dicks off"

and she's, like,
"What's your names?"

And I'm, like,
"Jay and Silent Bob".

Recognize.

And she's like, "Oh,
I've read on the Internet"

"that fuckin' youse guys"

"are a couple of little
fuckin' jerkoffs".

And then she goes and sucks two
other guys' dicks off instead.

Well, fuck that.
We gotta put a stop

to these fuckin' hateful
sons of bitches

before they ruin our good names.

First of all, I don't know
how good your names are.

Second of all, there's
not much you can do

about stopping this bile.

The Internet has given
everyone in America a voice

and evidently, everyone
in America has chosen

to use that voice
to bitch about movies.

As long as there's a "Blunt man
and Chronic" movie,

the net nerds are gonna
have something negative

to say about it.

Well, wait a second.

If there wasn't a "Blunt man
and Chronic" movie,

then those fuckers
wouldn't be saying shit

about Jay and Silent Bob, right?

They're not saying
anything about you now, OK?

They're talking about
fictional characters.

Fic-tio-nal cha-rac-ters.

Am I am I getting
through to you at all?

So all we gotta do is go stop

the fuckin' movie
from gettin' made.

Yeah, and forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars

that you two would be
entitled to in the process.

What are you, fucking retarded?

I don't think
I'm alone in the world

in imagining this flick
may be the worst idea

since Greedo shooting first.

You know, it
a Jay and Silent Bob movie?

Who would pay to see that?

But, since it
appears inevitable,

I recommend that you guys
go hunt Banky down

and get yo' mother-fuckin'
movie check

as you so succinctly put it

'cause that's
what's important, right?

Um, no, Holden McNeil.

The important thing here
is a fuckin' bunch

of mother fuckers
we don't even know

callin' us ass holes
on the Internet,

to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.

Puttin' a stop to that
is the most important thing

we could ever do.

So when's this movie
gettin' made?

Uh, they start this Friday.

So if today's Tuesday,
that gives us.

Eight days.

Uh, three by my count,
but close.

Right.

My bad.

Three days to stop
that fuckin' stupid movie

from gettin' made.
Come on, Silent Bob.

We're goin' to Hollywood.

Tickets?

Since when did they start
charging for the bus?

Didn't we used to ride that shit

to school every morning
for free?

This sucks balls, man.

How come we
ain't gettin' no rides?

'Cause you're
doing it all wrong.

You gotta give the driver
a little incentive.

Like how?

Like this.

Yeah, but what happens
when they pick you up

and you don't make
with the head?

Don't they kick your ass
to the curb?

Sure, if you don't
make with the head.

Yeah. Hey, if it'll get me

a couple of hundred miles
across the country

I'll take a shot in the mouth.

Yeah, but we ain't gay.

Don't be so suburban.
It's the new millennium.

Gay, straight
it's all the same now.

There are no more lines.

Well, there's a line, and on
this side of it, we ain't gay.

Hey, all the hitchers do this.

Why do you think
people pick us up?

If you get a ride,
it's expected.

I don't care who the driver is.

It's the first rule in 'the book'.

What book?

The unwritten 'book of the road'.

Follow the rules of 'the book'

and you get where
you're going in no time.

Excuse me.

I don't care
if it rains or freezes.

You both don't have
to sit back there.

Why doesn't one of you
come sit next to me?

Where are you boys from?

New Jersey, but we're
on our way to Hollywood.

Oh, Hollywood, huh?
That's a long way away.

Yeah. Thank God
you picked us up.

Well, do unto others.
That's what 'the Book' says.

Wait a sec.
You follow 'the book', too?

I live my life by it.

You?

Of course. So

you live by 'the Book', too?

Well, you picked us up,
didn't you?

I gotta.

Well, that's good to hear.

But it's a lot easier to say
that you live by 'the Book'

than to actually do it.

Can you do it?

All right.

I can't believe this shit.

Five hours
and not a single ride.

Every day people
hitch to Hollywood

to stop studios from
making films about 'em,

but when you and me try it

it's like we're trapped
in a fuckin' cartoon.

Zoinks, yo.

Now we can finally
solve the mystery

of the hitch hiking ghouls.

Pull off their masks and
let's see who they really are.

I don't think they are masks.

And I don't think

that they're hitch hiking
girls, either.

Ghouls, you fuckin' moron,
not girls.

I wish they were
hitch hiking girls

sexy hitch hiking girls.

Let's kick 'em out.

We've got a mystery to solve.

The only mystery here
is why we take our cues

from a dick in a neckerchief.

Keep it up, beatnik.

I'll feed you
to the fuckin' dog!

I can't take
all of this fighting!

Yo!

Youse guys need to turn
those frowns upside down.

And I got just
the thing for that.

We call it.

Doobie Snacks.

"I like to dream."

"Yes, yes."

"Right between
the sound machine."

"On a cloud of sight
I drift in the night."

"Any place it goes is right,
Goes far."

"To the stars
away from here, well."

Ri, Ray and Rirent Rob.

"We can find."

I think they passed out. Great.

What do we do with them now?

Let's cut out their kidneys and
sell it to the black market

and leave 'em in a seedy
motel bathtub full of ice.

Aaah!

No, no, no!

You see something? See anything?

Fuck, man, I had
a horrible dream.

Yo, man, I'm hungry.
Where can we get some breakfast?

Who's a friend to
the king of all the monkeys.

Yeah.

Ooh, check that shit out,
man, the Internet.

Let's see if those fucks
wrote something new

about us and that
stupid-ass flick.

"Any movie based
on Jay and Silent Bob

"are gonna lick balls

"because they both,
in fact, lick balls".

Mother-fucker.

It's time
we wrote something back.

Type this shit down.

All you mother fuckers
are gonna pay.

You all are the ones
who are the ball-lickers.

We're gonna fuck
your mothers while you watch

and cry like
little whiny bitches.

Once we get to Hollywood
and find those Mir amax fucks

who is makin' the movie

we're gonna make them
eat our shit

then shit out our shit

and then eat their shit
that's made up of our shit

that we made 'em eat.

And then all you mother-fucks
are next.

Love, Jay and Silent Bob.

That'll show those fucks.

Now we can eat
our Egg-a-Mooby Muffin

then get back on the road

go to Hollywood,
and stop those fucks

from makin' that movie.

No more hairy-bush nuns,
no more dogs.

We keep our eye on the prize
and let nothing

and I mean nothing, distract us.

Holy shit!

"Your love is like bad medicine."

"Bad medicine is what I need."

"Whoa oh oh, shake it up."

"Just like bad medicine."

"There ain't no doctor
that can cure my disease."

"Bad medicine."

"I ain't got a fever."

"Got a permanent disease."

"It'll take more than a doctor."

"To prescribe a remedy"

"I got all the symptoms,
count 'em, 1, 2, 3."

"First I need."

"That's what you get
for falling in love."

"You get a little,
but it's never enough."

"On your knees."

"That's what you get
for falling in love."

Oh, my God.

Do you get free refills
with that?

Oh, what, this?

No, I use this
for protection, you know

so no guys try to grab
my shit or anything.

Ha ha! Hi, I'm Justice.

And I am so fuckin' yours.

I mean, hi. I'm Jay

and this is my hetero
life mate Silent Bob.

It's nice to meet you.

Justice, huh?

That's a nice name.

Jay and Justice.

Sittin' in a tree.

FU-C-K-I-N-G

So, you come around here often?

Oh, I'm not from around here.

My friends and I
are on a road trip.

Your friends, huh?
Where they at?

Oh. Let's see.

Out there by that van.

"Inconceivable, unbelievable."

"Grammar like a hammer,
information receivable."

"Sent by the Lord,
here and abroad."

"With words that were thought
they could retort."

"For force because
that makes run the boss."

"So get lost because
I just tossed the poss."

"Make way today,
and if I may, I say"

"I make pay with Jay,
so get away, OK?"

Hi.

Dude, I think
I just filled the cup.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Jay and Silent Bob
are in the hiz-house.

Who the fuck are these guys?

This is Jay and Silent Bob.

Guys, this is Sissy.

Missy, and Chrissy. Here.

Where the fuck
did they come from?

I met 'em inside.
They're gonna hitch a ride.

Yeah, I don't know if
that's such a good idea, Jussy.

Sure it is, Juggs.

Oh, my God.

He just called Sissy "Juggs".

I'm on it. Chrissy, no.

We're in the middle
of suburbia, Chrissy.

Let's try and act like it.

What's with the knife?
We having cake or something?

Shit. He's retarded to boot.

Yo, she called you retarded.

What is wrong with you, Justice?

You do remember
where we're going, don't you?

And we have a job to do?

They're just gonna tag along
for a few miles.

They won't get in the way,
I swear.

I swear, I don't know
what's going on

in your fuckin' brain lately.

Please?

Look, fine.
They can ride with us

but they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.

Honest Injun. Honest Injun.

Shut up.

God, I can't believe
what a pushover you are.

I can't believe fine-ass bitches
like yourself eat that shit.

Don't you know
fast food makes girls fart?

Hey, what's all
this talk about farting?

Hi, Brent.

This is Brent.

He's with us, too.

Brent, tell these sillies
that girls don't fart.

Oh, of course they don't.
Only skeevy stoners fart.

What up, homies?

Wow. Three guys, four girls.
What's the count, boys?

Let's rock.

Hey, Mr. Science Guy.

Don't spray that aerosol
in my eye.

For I do.

For I

I don't really wanna die

I'm a noble rabbit.

What are you guys,
like a cover band or something?

We're the Kansas State chapter
of SAAC.

Students Against Animal Cruelty.

And we're on our way to Colorado

to give Provasik
a piece of our minds.

Whoo! Yeah! Whoo hoo!

What the fuck are you bitches
babbling about?

Hey!

Watch the language, little boy.

There's females present. Huh.

Provasik Pharmaceuticals

is a medical lab
where they perform

gross experiments on animals.

What kind of animals
are we talkin' about here?

Bears, rhinos, and shit?

No, more like dogs, cats,
rabbits, muskrats, beavers.

Heck, even monkeys.

If we don't speak up for them,
who will?

Right, Jussy?

Right, Brent.

Uh, Brent, can I talk to you
over here for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Be honest, yo,
you're down with this

for the fine-ass pussy, right?

I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.

Even sheep?

Of course.

Sheep are beautiful creatures.

They are beautiful, aren't they?

Oh, God, yes.

So that means
you'd fuck a sheep, right?

What is your damage, little boy?

You got a sick and twisted
world perspective.

No, you're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.

I mean,
if you were another sheep

would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?

Oh. Since you put it that way,
you bet your ass I would.

Thought so.

Yo, this mother-fucker
ain't one of us!

He said he'd fuck a sheep!

Wait! No!

Aaah! Unhh!

Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker!

"I can't believe
life's so complex."

What the fuck
are we gonna do now?

Shut up, I'm thinking.

Is Hollywood near
where we're going?

Is that where you guys are from?

Yeah, right. Jersey represent.

Oh.

A Jersey boy.

Well, what brings you
all the way out here?

We couldn't hang around
the Quick Stop no more

'cause of the restraining order

which sucks ass
'cause it's been like

mine and Silent Bob's home
since we were kids.

Silent Bob even
busted his cherry there.

You did?

Oh, I bet she was a lucky girl.

Look, fuck that fat fuck.

I'm trying to tell a story here.

Oh. Sorry.

Anyway, we were talking
to Brodie

and he told us about the
"Blunt man and Chronic" movie.

So we went to see Holden McNeil

and he showed us the Internet.
And that's where we found

all these little
fuckin' jerkoffs

talkin' shit about us.

So we decided to go to Hollywood

and stop the movie
from gettin' made.

And now we're here.

I have no idea
what you just said.

I get that a lot.
So you like animals, huh?

Sure.

That's cool. Even snakes?

Well, you can't
exclude an animal

just 'cause they're not cuddly.

Of course I like snakes.

How 'bout trouser snakes?

Ooh. What's a trouser snake?

Uh.

What the fuck
are you waiting for?

She went for the setup.

Reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.

Girls like that kind of shit.

Right about here's

where the angel's
supposed to show up

and tell you not
to pull your dick out

but we bitch-slapped
that mother-fucker

and sent him packing,
so it's smooth sailing.

Let him rip, boy.

Jesus loves the little children.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

So what's the deal here?

Oh, shit. Don't tell me you're

thinkin' of whippin'
your dick out

at this fine piece
of woman, are you?

Tell you what.
Look over at Silent Bob

and see if he thinks
it's a good idea

you whip your dick out.

That's it, boy.
Put the dick down.

You gotta go from the heart, yo.

No little perv bullshit's
gonna work for this one.

Be smooth.

Be Don Juan de la Nooch.

I gotta go beat the shit outta

two sucker-punchin'
little bitches.

Remember, don't pull
your dick out until she asks

or until she's sleepin'.

Bye.

Don't ask.

So what can a smooth
pimp daddy like myself

do to help the animals?

Oh, you really don't want
to help us.

What the fuck
are you talkin' about?

Sure I do.
I'd do anything for you.

I mean youse guys.

I'd do anything for youse guys

'cause for the lift and shit.

OK, well, um

let me just talk
to the other girls

and get back to you.

Why don't you do that?
I'll be right here waitin'.

Fuck you, fatty.

Thank you.

Whew.

Uh, you guys
want anything from inside?

No, we're cool. No? OK.

Just isn't the same, is it?

This place licks balls
compared to the Quick Stop.

Speakin' of lickin' balls, man,
how 'bout that Justice chick?

She is too fine.

And she smells
so fuckin' pretty.

She has a nice voice, too.

And that body

fuckin' smokin'.

You know, she didn't
tell me to fuck off once

when I was talkin' to her,

or pull out the fuckin'
pepper spray or anything.

You know, Lunch Box,
she could be the one.

Smooth move, Justice.

Nice going, four eyes. Ow!

Why the fuck did you
let that little stoner

throw Brent out of the van?

Oh, please. If I had to listen

to one more
of those stupid songs

I was gonna
throw him out myself.

We needed Brent, Justice.
He was our patsy, remember?

We'll just find someone else.

Besides, I didn't see you trying

to stop Jay
from throwing him out.

Yeah, I didn't want
to blow our cover.

Cover, schmover.
You all hated his songs, too.

Not as much as I hate you.

We have a very simple gang
here, Justice.

I'm the brains,
Chrissy's the brawn

and Missy's the tech girl

but lately, I'm having
a little trouble

figuring out
what you're doing here.

Shit, your name doesn't
even fit the rhyme scheme.

Since you let our patsy slip
away, you've gotta convince

the little kid and the fat guy
to take his place.

They've gotta break
into Provasik now.

Uh-uh.

Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're
out of the gang, Justice.

Just use the little one's
crush on you to convince him

since he's so fucking
in love with you.

Jay? No, he's not.

What am I, blind?

He wasn't kissing your hand
in the back of the van

like he was fucking Lord Byron?

Well, maybe he just has manners.

Yo, baby, you ever have
your ass hole licked

by a fat man in an overcoat?

Yeah.

We got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.

That'll give you
plenty of time to work on him.

I'm not gonna do it.
Why the fuck not?

Because he's just so innocent!

Look at him.

Who's it gonna be, Jussy,
him or us?

Steal a monkey?
Shit, no problem.

It's not stealing a monkey.
I mean, it's liberating it.

Wait a second.

Did you say "no problem"?

Yeah. Fuck,
we steal monkeys all the time.

Right, Lunch Box?

Well, it's not like
it's a bad thing.

I mean, it's for a good cause.

Oh, it's for the best cause,
ma Cherie the cause of love.

Snoogans.

What the heck is that?
What's what?

Snoogans, I believe it was.

What the fuck
do you think it means?

It means I'm kidding.
Oh. Well, that's too bad.

I can't believe
I'm gonna get some pussy.

For stealing the monkey.

Stealing the little monk.

If I had known that shit earlier

man, I'd have been
stealin' monkeys

since I was, like,
seven and shit.

Don't, mother-fucker.
Don't you ruin this for me.

Me and Justice are gonna
get married one day

so don't be giving me
no look like, "Oh

"we ain't gonna steal
the monkey and shit".

I'm Morris Day,
you're Jerome, bitch.

Don't forget that.

That girl
that girl's in love with me.

They're gonna do it.

Good. They do their part,
and we'll do ours.

Oh, hey, remember. We meet
back here when you're done.

You sure you're OK with this?

As sure as I am that you're
the hottest bitch I ever seen.

Fucker! Easy, tigress.

What's twistin'
this bitch's tit?

Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.

They don't?

How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?

How about not?

What the fuck am I supposed
to call you, then?

Something sweet, you big goof.

Something nice.

Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck?

OK, that's a start.

Jay, uh, before you go

could you say something into
the camera about the clitoris?

Man, you're such a bitch!

Shut up, Justice.
She's just a little embarrassed.

See, Jussy and I are putting
together this documentary

for our human sexuality class

and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.

The female clitoris?

Uh, yeah.

Jay, you know,
you don't have to do this.

No, it's cool, hon.

There's a few things
I could say about the clit

I'd like you to hear.

I am the master of the clit!

Remember this fucking face!

Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.

I make that shit work!

No one rules the clit like me.

Not this little fuck

none of you little fucks
out there.

I am the clit commander!

When it comes down to business

this is what I do
I pinch it like this.

Ooh, you little fuck.

Then I rub my nose.

Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.

Oh, I will. Girls.

So, you think I could get
a little kiss for good luck?

Think I can get a little
blow job for good luck?

No. Go.

Fuck.

Get off my Kool-Aid,
mother-fucker!

Jussy, come on.

They in?

You could say that.

Time to shine. Let's go.

You are so gay.

All right, once we get upstairs

I want complete silence.

Missy whipped this up.
It counts our decibel level.

If it goes into the red
alarm, we're dead.

So that means not even the
slightest noise. You got that?

I got it. Good.

Meow.

Justice, move your ass!

Whoa.

Check this shit out, Lunch Box
animal tranquillizer.

This shit fucks you up
like Percocet.

Hold this.

Keep this shit,
so later me and Justice

can shoot each other with it and
fuck like stoned test bunnies.

Unh, unh.

Bong!

Suzanne.

Boo-ta.

Ah.

Holy fuck!
The little stoner was right!

Jesus.

Move, move, move!

Move ass!

I can't believe it.
Months of planning

and it's all blown
by a fucking fart.

You can't just
leave 'em here like this.

That alarm's gonna bring
the cops here any minute.

That's always been the plan,
Justice.

They take the heat
off of us long enough

until we can get out of town.

But.

Kaboom, you little stoner fucks.

Let's go! It's set!

Whoo! Ow!

All right!

What the fuck you lookin' at?

There ain't no snacks here, man.

Now, we got what we came for.
Let's get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, I know it's sad, man

but what are we supposed
to do about it?

Yo, just open the door!

Oh, shit.

Drop the bag! Now!

No.

Justice.

Justice!

You mind if I leave that there?

Is that.

My, oh, my, oh, my.

Who let the cats out, huh?

Wait. Is that.

Excuse me.

Who the hell are you?

Federal Wildlife Marshal.

This investigation's now
under my jurisdiction.

Oh, really? And why is that?

Because someone let
a whole mess of animals

out of their cages, sir.

We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic

used to call attention
away from the real heist

over here
at the Diamond Exchange.

Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.

Sounds more like something
out of a bad movie.

Sir

the Provasik people
say they rounded up

all their animals
except for one an orangutan.

The most dangerous animal
known to man.

Sir, this was just delivered
to the station.

What is what is it what is it?

A tape of the terrorists
who claim responsibility

for the break-in.

Do you have a VCR?

"I am the clit commander."

Oh, my God.

Plaschke, Willenholly.

Yeah, look, I need you to get
me on the national news pronto.

Why? Because we may
very well be dealing

with the two most dangerous men
on the planet.

This is Jussy's monkey.

Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!

Do something, Tons of Fun.

Holy fuck.

Is that thing waving at us?

Holy shit, it understood us.

Maybe it's some kind
of super monkey.

You're my fuckin' bitch.

You get my back.

Don't be taking
this fuckin' chimp's side.

What if there's more
super monkeys up at that lab?

Maybe they're making
an army of 'em up there.

Holy shit!

Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files".

Roswell-style.

This little monkey

could be the fuckin'
damn dirty ape

responsible for the fall
of the human race.

Aaah!

In this world gone mad,
we won't spank the monkey

the monkey will spank us.

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Aaah!

And after the fall of man

these monkey fucks will
start wearing our clothes

and rebuilding the world
in their image.

Oh, when only those
as super-smart as me

will be left alive
to bitterly cry

you maniacs!

Damn youse!

God damn youse all to hell!

Shit.
Not on my watch, mother-fucker.

Die, you super monkey fuck! Aah!

All right, you can live for now.

Did you see that shit, man?
Bitches love me.

Come on,
let's get something to eat.

What, man, we ain't hiding
in the woods no more.

We gotta get to Hollywood.

Besides, we're in the clear, yo.

It's not like anyone
knows we stole the monkey.

Bitch.

I'm Reg Hartner with an
exclusive "News Now" bulletin.

The Provasik animal-testing
facility in Boulder

was the focus of an attack
by a terroristic

primate rescue syndicate
calling themselves

the Coalition for Liberation
of Itinerant Tree-dwellers

or simply C.L.I.T.

In a videotape sent
to authorities this morning

credit for the liberation
of an orangutan

from the lab last night
is taken by these men

identified in literature
that accompanied the tape

as Jay and Silent Bob.

In this chilling clip,
they make it very clear

that they are in control
of the C.L.I.T.

We are the C.L.I. T.
None of you are safe.

Now tremble before the might
of our merciless leader.

I am the C.L.I.T. commander!

Terrifying.

Now here to help us
explain this footage

is Federal Wildlife
Marshal Willenholly.

Marshal Willenholly,
thanks for joining us.

At this point, what can you
tell us about the C.L.I.T.?

From the intelligence
we've been gathering

we've discovered
that the C.L.I.T

is actually a tiny offshoot
of the L.A.B.I.A.

Uh, the Liberate Apes Before
Imprisoning Apes movement?

Exactly.

Now, the two men
that you saw in the video

they go by the obvious code
names of Jay and Silent Bob.

If anyone out there
should come across them

or any other C.L.I.T.ies,
please exercise extreme caution.

See? Told you that restraining
order was a good idea.

What response
do you hope to elicit

by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I.T.?

It's a difficult situation.

You don't want to rub
the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.

Nights like this

I miss dating a lesbian.

Is that your cell phone, sir?

Plaschke.
Give me a friggin' break.

I'm on my way. We've got 'em.

They're in Utah.
Citizens of Utah

stimulation of the C.L.I.T.
is not recommended.

Well, your plan worked.

The news is all about
Jay, Bob, and your C.L.I. T

with almost no mention
of the diamond heist.

I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.

Don't you have any regret?

Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
They were really sweet.

The only thing I regret
is not gutting

that little trout-mouth prick
like a fish

and playing twister
with his vitals. Mmm!

You know,
I don't get you, Justice.

You used to be
all about this girl stuff

stealing, boning,
blowing shit up

and now you're like this
little priss with a conscience.

It's really a fucking drag.

We all gotta grow up sometime.

Oh, ifmoping around
over some boy

you're crushing on is growing up

then pass me
my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow!

Yo, Marvellous Pizza
coming thr hey!

Hi.

You the gals
that ordered the pizza?

This dopey bitch
ordered a large plain

but I could go for
some hot thick Sicilian.

No charge, lady.

Hurry!

I'm sorry, Jay.

You know, Justice died
trying to save this monkey

so maybe we should
keep it around.

That way,
we can honour her memory.

Now ain't you glad
we came here to eat?

And you were all piss-scared

we'd get busted
by the cops or something.

You know what I say.

Fuck the police.

Fuck, fuck, fuck the police.

Yo, yo, fuck the police.

Fuck, fuck, fuck the police.

Yo, fuck 'em.

This is the Utah State Police.

Boys, we know you're in there.

Come on out
with your hands in the air

and surrender the orangutan.

Think they're talking about us?

Sorry.

Don't shoot.

Hold your fire.

Who the hell are you?

Federal Wildlife Marshal.
Is the monkey in there?

The ape. What?

Orangutan's a member
of the great ape family.

It's not a monkey.

Look, who's the Federal
Wildlife Marshal here?

Me or you?

That's what I thought.
Can I use your

Jay and Silent Bob.

Your C.L.I.T.
doesn't stand a chance.

Anyone not harbouring

a fugitive monkey in there
should hit the deck.

We are going to open fire.

What the fuck
are you waiting for?

Get out there
and give him the monkey.

Look, man, fuckin' maybe
it ain't so bad up at that lab.

Maybe they experiment
on 'em by making 'em

fuck a bunch of different
good-lookin' monkeys.

We don't know.

You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.

Fuck, man, I'm no strategist.

You're the guy
who makes the blueprints.

I don't have the fuckin'
smarts of a little

kid.

Do not shoot!

Don't shoot!

We're just, uh,
trying to take our son

out of this hostile environment.

Their son?

Maybe they're one
of those gay couples.

Yeah, we're gay

and this is
our adopted love child.

We're not from around here.

Don't make us go back
to our liberal city home

with tales
of prejudice and bigotry

from in the heart of Utah.

Oh, God, this is
the last thing I need

a bunch of uppity homosexuals
shooting their mouths off

to the liberal media

that the Federal Wildlife
Marshal office persecutes gays.

Are you fuckin' crazy?
Now, they may be gay

but that's not their son.
That's the ape.

I think I would recognize
an ape if I saw one, OK?

And the only thing
I do recognize right now

is the political fiasco here
that I'm about to avoid

by letting this butt-fucking
Brady Bunch go.

Ahh.

You are free to leave, sirs.

Yes, you sirs.

So we can just go? Yes, sir.

Please accept my apologies

for detaining you
and your unorthodox

but constitutionally
protected family unit.

Un-fuckin'believable.

I might add that's
one fine-looking boy

you're raising there.

Hell, yeah. That's
'cause he's from my sperm.

See, I knocked up this
hot woman friend of ours

who I fuck on the side

so I'm not to be all the way gay.

He loves the cock.

Well, he certainly
looks insatiable.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Well, it's not my way,
but I'll be damned

if there doesn't go
one happy family.

All right, gang.

Let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner,

and then, when the guys
come out with the monkey.

Fuck beans!
That was them, wasn't it?

Shit, I said you love the cock.

I gotta be the craftiest
mother-fucker alive.

Flee, fat ass, flee!

Head for the sewer!

Stage dive!

Ohh!

You fat fuck.

Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.

Suck it in!
Think thin! Think thin!

One rectal breach comin' up.

Suck it in!

Incoming!

Just like Winnie the Pooh.

That was just
an incredibly daring escape.

All right, here's the deal.
You and your men stay up here.

When I corner him,
I'll call for backup.

I'm counting on you, Sheriff.

You've taught me so much.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Fuck this ass hole.

Let's go back
to the station house

and cornhole us a drunk.

Yeah. Let's go.

The whole fuckin'
world's against us, dude

I swear to God!

Put the monkey down
and your hands up!

Let's do, misters!
You wanna get shot?

I didn't think so.

Look, man, she doesn't
wanna go back to the lab.

And for the record, I ain't gay.

And for the record,
while we're on the subject

I knew that that wasn't
a real little boy.

For one more record,
he loves the cock.

On your knees, Texas Pete.
Let's go!

See, man? He's lined us up
like fuckin' circus seals.

Well, I'm goin' first.

I don't want no mouthful
of monkey spit

if I gotta blow
this fuckin' G-man.

What are you talking about?

Look, no one's gonna get blown.

Dude! Whoa!

Shit!

Wow!

These guys are good.

Very good.

Yaaah!

Hey, law dog!

Hey!

See you in hell, cock-smoker!

Oh, fuck me!

Aah!

Hey! Get the fuck off her!

That's my ex-girlfriend's
monkey!

Hey!

That monkey don't belong to you!

Man, who the fuck
just steals a monkey?

Oh, yeah.

Well, this fuckin' blows, man.

We have one more day
to stop these fucks

from shooting this movie

and they fuckin' took
the one thing I had left

from the one woman
I loved enough

not to stick my hand
down her pants.

What, go after the monkey?

How the fuck do we know
where that car's going?

Don't just point like.

Wh you gotta take a shit.

No, no, no,
you gotta take a salad.

What the fuck
are you trying to say?

Just say it, man. Don't
make me ask twenty questions.

You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time

but you can't spit out fuckin',
"Yo, Jay, I disagree"

or "Yo, those are
some good cheese fries".

Just fuckin' say it already!

The sign on the back of the car

said "Critters of Hollywood,"
you dumb fuck!

Say it, don't spray it.

And might I add

that is one fine-looking boy
you are raising.

Well

if it isn't the wildlife expert.

Heh.

Your office faxed this over.

Now, the guy said it was a post
from an Internet chat board

signed by a "Jay and Silent Bob".

"All you mother fuckers
are gonna pay."

"You are the ones
who are ball-lickers."

"Gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch"

"and cry like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we."

They're going to Hollywood.

"You see me driving
down the street."

"I look so fucking good."

What? It's not like cheating.
Justice blew up.

All right, here's the plan.
First we find out

where they're
shooting this movie

and after we bust that shit up

we can start lookin'
for the monkey.

But before we do
any of that shit

we gotta find a mother-fucker
in the know

someone like
the mayor of Hollywood.

Crack? Want some crack?

Get you high?

No, man, but you want some weed?

You on the job?

Yeah, boy!

Jersey Local 404.

Ho, ho, man!

Pumpkin Escobar,
Los Angeles Local 305.

Oh, shit! What up?

Aw, man, it's a small world!

Hey, lemme ask you a question.

You dudes gettin' on medical
out there in Jersey yet?

Shit, no. We might have
to strike in September.

Aw, man. "Norma Rae"
like a mother-fucker, huh?

Yo, maybe you can help
us out. You know where

they're shootin'
a movie around here?

You askin' me
a question like that

in Holly weird, man?
You got to come

a little bit
more specific than that.

It's a Mir amax flick.
We gotta bust it up,

so people stop callin' us
names on the Internet,

even though they're not
really talkin' about us,

but characters based on us.

And at the same time,
find my ex-girlfriend,

who was killed
in a car explosion's monkey.

Man, I don't know
what the fuck you just said

little kid,
but you special, man.

You reached out, and you
touched a brother heart.

So I'm gonna
give you some direction.

Gimme the map, Scott.

Gimme the map, Scott!

You know where Mir amax is at?

Mir amax? Ha ha ha!

Is Hollywood ready
for Jay and Silent Bob?

A source at the Federal
Wildlife Marshal's office

tells us that a posting
was pulled off

an Internet movie chat board
allegedly written

by the two domestic terrorists
themselves.

It's sending
a shockave through Hollywood.

Jules Asner is on the scene
at Mir amax Studios. Jules?

Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown
is one of terror today,

after the Federal Wildlife
Marshal's office has learned

that hot new terrorists
Jay and Silent Bob

have targeted Mir amax Studios

for their next campaign
of blood, violence

and monkey theft.

the gruesome twosome
threatened, and I quote.

"Once we get to Hollywood
and find those Mir amax"

"expletive deleted-
who are making"

"the "Blunt man and Chronic" movie"

"we're gonna make them eat
our expletive deleted-"

"then expletive deleted out our"

"expletive deleted then eat
their expletive deleted-"

"which is made up of our
expletive deleted-"

"that we made them eat".
Unquote.

So far we've been unable
to get a statement

from anybody here at the studio.

But no sign
of Jay and Silent Bob?

None whatsoever

what Jay and Silent Bob
even look like

so for all we know, they could
already be on the lot.

Shit!

Ben Affleck and Matt Damon

are shooting a project
on the lot.

Have you seen them
roaming around?

No, Steve, but.

Fuck it.

OK.

He's got a pass. Let him in.

We gotta play this just right.

Hey! You don't have a pass!

Whoa!

I hate how fake Hollywood is.

Where do you think you're going?

Get off of me!

Don't.

Echo Base, I've got a 10-07,

two unauthorized on the lot,
requesting backup.

I thought that was a 10-82.

No, sir, a 10-82 is
disappearing a dead hooker

from Ben Affleck's trailer.

Ooh, that Affleck.
Backup on the way.

Hey, I'll make you a deal.

This guy will suck
your dick off if you let us go.

Heh.
Contrary to what you believe

not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.

How about this deal?

He'll suck my dick
while you watch and jerk off.

All right.

Make it fastand sexy.

It's either this or jail

and you know
what they do to you in jail.

I was a guard.

All right.

And after it's all over,
you say:

"Oh, what a lovely tea party".

What the fuck you waitin' for,
bitch?

Start suckin'. Bong-ing!

Worth a shot.

Like a shot in your
fuckin' mouth, you gay bitch.

Ew, dude, you were really
gonna suck my dick.

All right, now,
remember what I said.

Do not look at Ben or Matt
directly in the eyes

or you will be fired.

Does everybody understand that?

Thank you.

You frosted your hair, though.

Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.

This has got to be
the Blunt man flick.

There's those two fucks
from the Mork movie.

Lips, teeth, tongue,
or lion face?

Lion face. Ha!

Lemon face. Ooh.

Lion face. Ha!

Lemon face. Ooh.

Break it down.
Where we taking it from, Gus?

Gus?

I'm busy.

You're a true artist, Gus.

Just take it from,
"It's a good course".

What, you're the director now?
Hey, shove it, "Bounce" boy.

Let's remember who talked who

into doing this shit
in the first place.

I mean, talking me into "Dogma"
is one thing, but this is.

Look, I'm sorry
I dragged you away

from whatever gay serial killers

who ride horses
and like to play golf

touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.

I take it you haven't seen
"Forces of Nature".

You're like a child.
What do I keep telling you?

You gotta do the safe picture,
then you do the art picture.

Then sometimes you gotta
do the payback picture

'cause your friend
says you owe him.

Then sometimes you gotta
go back to the well.

Yeah, and sometimes
you do "Reindeer Games".

See, that's just mean.

All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to 'em.

Get over OK, you, little kid,
you're here.

Your buddy's right here.

Just stand there and react.

Don't say anything
especially you.

All right, people!

That's pretty funny.

Lock it up,
we're going for picture.

Make it happen, guys.

Get your fuckin' hands off me.

Fuck off, will you?

All right. On the count of three

we rush these fucks
and beat the shit out of 'em

'cause if they're all fucked up

they can't make that movie,
right?

Ready?

1, 2, 3!

"Good Will Hunting 2,
Hunting Season",

scene 16, take 5.

Think about the pay-check. OK.

So, action, Gus, or

Jesus, Ben,
I said I'm busy. Busy.

Yeah, I do remember the class,

but frankly,
I found it rather elementary.

I remember that class.

It was just between
recess and lunch.

Are we gonna have
a problem again?

I was still just hoping
you might be able

to give me a little insight
into the Southern colonies!

See, Wood says.

What'd I say? What'd I tell you?

You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.

But you forgot about Vickers.

No, I just read Vickers, so I'm
up on inherited wealth, Hunting.

But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant young mind

you once were, just itching
to vent your frustrations.

No, you stopped
hitting the books

with a vengeance,
and now I've read shit

you haven't even
heard about yet.

Face facts, my friend.

You're just no longer
that good Will Hunting.

Now how do you like them apples?

I don't like the sound
of them apples, Will.

What are we gonna do?

Chuckie? Yeah?

It's hunting season.

Apple sauce, bitch.

Sorry to interrupt, sirs

but we've got a 10-07
on our hands.

Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben?

No, bullshit!

'Cause I wasn't
with a hooker today. Ha ha!

There they are!

Affleck, you da bomb
in "Phantoms", yo!

Get 'em!

Watch it!

Aah!

All right, you bastard.
Let's see who you really are.

Fucking Mir amax. Cut!

Shannen, usually I say cut.

A monkey, Wes?

I mean, Jesus, you guys aren't
even trying anymore, are you?

What? The market research
says people love monkeys.

We love this monkey!

Do somethin'.

See?

There they are. There they are.

There they go. There they go!

Punch it!

Fuck!

Those are some magical guys.

Ew, dude.
I fuckin' knew it, man.

You love that shit, don't you?

Holy shit,
that looked like it hurt.

A are you guys all right?

Let's get you guys
on your feet. Come on.

Hey, wait a second.

Aren't you that guy
that fucked the pie?

You see, man?

You see? It's never it's never.

"Hey, hey, you were
in 'Loser', weren't you?"

Or "Dude, you rocked
in 'Boys and Girls".'

No, it always comes back
to that fuckin' pie.

I'm haunted by it!
You put your dick in a pie.

Enough!

I'm Jason Biggs.

Yo, man, did you really
get to third base

with that Russian chick
like in the movie?

You mean Shannon? No.

Man, she is fuckin' fine.

If I was you,
I would've been like.

You like that? You like that?

What, you never
did one of these?

Wait, wait, none of that.

Oh, yeah.

Done plenty of that, my friend.

Holy shit, you're the Dawson.

James, actually.
James Van Der Beek.

What's up with Pacey
stealing Joey away from you?

If I was you, I would've
drowned-Ed his ass

in the creek and shit.

You actually watch that show?

Yeah, for Joey, man.
She is too fine.

Did you ever get
to third base with her?

Actually,
there was this one time.

Wait a minute. Who are you guys?

They're our stunt doubles,
dumbass.

R-right? Of course.

Stunt doubles for what?

For the movie that we're
shooting in about 15 minutes?

"Blunt man and Chronic
Strike Back"?

Yeah, you're doubling me,
obviously.

I'm playing Blunt man,
a.k.a. Silent Bill.

Bob. Right.

And, uh, and
and he's playing Chronic.

A.K.A. Ray. Jay. Fuck!

Biggs, you even read the script?

There's a script?

Listen to me you would
last a day on the "Creek".

A day?

Wait a second.
We'll be right back.

Fuck you
and your "Dawson's" crap.

Go to hell, Pacey. Go to hell.

At least call me
the right character.

These are the fucks
that are playing us here.

You take 'em out
biggety bamno movie.

Useless little ape.

What's with the weird
gay huddle going on over there?

Let me put my arm over yours.

Gay? What's gay about it?

It's two guys talking
in a corner, dude.

Yeah, but
Why are you such a homophobe?

A homophobe?

You're always like,
"Oh, that's gay, man".

"Oh, look at that gay huddle".
"Look at that gay dog".

Dude, that is so gay. I.

Yeah, see?

I love gay people, OK?
I'm sure you do.

Oh, look at the monkey!

You're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.

How do you know he doesn't
smoke monkey pole, huh?

Look, he's so cute.

So cute!

Whoa!

All right, you go in there,
start swinging.

Don't stop until these
little young Hollywood fucks

are out of commission.
Ready? Break.

That's one funky monkey.

Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.

There are two intruders
on the lot.

They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.

Uh, yeah, they're in here.

Do they have you held hostage?

Do you want us
to call your publicists?

No, uh, we kicked
those guys' asses bad.

Real bad!

Well, great job, sirs.
If you'll let us in

we'll take over from here.

Um, no, me and Jason Biggs
are naked in here butt naked.

Together.

Oh. OK.

Well, we'll wait out here
till you clean up.

What are we gonna do?
How are we gonna

get out of here without
them fuckin' seeing us?

You've got the wrong guys!
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?

I'm a teen idol, damn it!
Don't you recognize me?

Look at me! I'm the pie fucker!

Yeah, well, in prison,
he'll be the pie.

This was a good idea, Lunch Box.

In these outfits,
we're totally incognito.

Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek!

Great. Looks like you've
changed costumes already.

Let's get you to the set.

The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting, OK?

Silent Bob!

Look at all these crackers.

$70 million,
I can't even get a black grip.

It's a shame. It's a damn shame.

Here's your coffee, sir.

You spit in this?
I didn't spit in it, sir.

Any boogers in it?

There's no boogers in it, sir.

You went to film school,
didn't you?

Must piss you off
to see a black man

running a big old production

like this, huh?
You went to film school.

Does your daddy know that you
give a nigger his coffee?

It would kill him, wouldn't it?

There's no boogers in it, sir.

Then taste it. Taste it!

Taste the booger flavour.
I know it's in there.

It's all good, sir.

No, it ain't all good!

Now clean that shit up.

That's right.
Get me a white boy.

Get me a blonde-hair white boy,
so I can enjoy that shit.

You the man, sir.

No, you the man,
and that's the problem.

Uh, Chaka?

Yeah. Hi, I'm Banky Edwards

the creator
of "Blunt man and Chronic".

We met a few weeks back.
I'm the executive producer.

Oh, you the executive producer!

Why don't you
executive produce me a latte?

De-cracker-Nate it, OK, Fucky?

It's Banky. No, it is Fucky.

I wanted you to know that I
respect your work as an artist.

I'm something of an artist
myself.

I I was the inker
on the comic book.

Yeah, man, you a tracer, OK?

Nobody else got the heart
to tell you.

You trace.
You go around the lines.

You are a tracer, OK?

You think Fat Albert
had a tracer? No!

Bill Cosby did the whole
thing with a ruler

and it was excellent!

Crack-crack-cracker? Crack?

Uh, Biggs and Van Der Beek
are on the set, Chaka.

Well, I don't see 'em!

Where are the stars
of this piece of shit?

Damn, this must've set 'em back
a couple hundred bucks.

Get out of my way, man.

What the fuck is that?

Look at this.
A gay hood ornament

and "The Colour Purple".

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck am I?
I'm the director!

Chaka Luther King,
that's who the fuck I am.

No, wait a second.

I thought Banky and Holden
created this shit.

And I'm stealin' it.

I'm takin' it back
for the black man

to make up for all the shit

that you mother fuckers
are takin' from us.

Do you know that I came up with
the idea for "Sesame Street"?

I came up with it before PBS.

The white man stole it.
That's right.

I was gonna call it "N.W.P".

"Niggas With Puppets".
Catchy, ain't it?

All right, enough
of this small talk.

Let's shoot. Wait a sec.

Aren't you gonna direct us?

Man, I will direct you
to the unemployment line

if you don't stop
back talking me, OK, cracker?

We don't know what we're doing.
We didn't read the script.

Hey, it ain't that hard, man.

I film the mother-fucker, right?
Then I yell "Cut".

Then I run the fuck out of here

go to my trailer, 'cause I got
more white girls in there

than the first lifeboat
on the Titanic

and they all want
a part in my movie

and I got just the part for 'em.

So you ready to do this?

All right!
Let's roll with the new.

All right,
quiet on the set, everyone.

Quiet on the set! Picture's up!

I got you new coffee, sir
booger-free.

Get that shit
the fuck out of here.

You guys look pretty badass.

"Blunt man and Chronic
Strike Back"

scene 37, take one.

What are we waiting for? Action!

Umsnootchie bootchies?

What the fuck?

You thought I'd never find

your precious Blunt-cave,
did you, Hemp knight?

But now you and your sidekick
are finally in the grasp

of Cock-Knocker!

Why do they call you
Cock-Knocker?

Actually, there's a funny story
behind that.

You're gonna love this.
True story.

Avenge me Hemp knight.

I think George Lucas
gonna sue somebody.

Any last words before
I bust your balls, Blunt man?

Dance, pie-fucker!

Damn, these white boys
can't fight.

Don't fuck with
a Jedi Master, son.

Yo, bitch fist!

Call me Darth Balls. Bong!

Good Lord.

Hey, that wasn't in the script.

So this is Hollywood?

Well, then lights, camera,
action, Jay and Silent Bob.

Freeze, you terrorist
sons of bitches!

My God!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh. Uh, sorry, everyone.

That was supposed
to be a warning shot.

I'm obviously on the wrong set.

Um, is he gonna be OK?

Not good.

You are not upstaging me,
Van Der Beek.

Man, this movie's
gonna make "House Party"

look like "House Party 2".

Or "House Party 3".

Shut the fuck up. Yes, sir.

Chaka!
Call off Dawson, will you?

Chaka!

Can I get a cut here?

Not again.

Now whose balls
have been busted, bitch?

All right, that's it.
I am out of here.

Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.

What the fuck?!

C.L.I.T. stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob!

Another white boy
in this movie? Damn!

Federal Wildlife Marshal.
Everyone stay cool.

Go back to making
your adult movie.

These men are the leaders
of a terrorist organization

wanted for the abduction
of a little monkey.

They didn't really
steal that monkey.

It was just a diversion
so that we could steal these.

And they're not the leaders
of the C.L.I.T.

The C.L.I.T. is not real.

No, no, no.
No, the C.L.I.T.'s real.

The C.L.I.T.'s real all right.

It's the female orgasm
that's the myth.

You know what I'm talking about?

Are you guys all right?

I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck.

You remembered!

Oh, it was a frame-up, Jay.

Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, and I
are international jewel thieves.

We were setting you up
to be a patsy

but I couldn't go through
with it because I

because I love you.

Yeah? That means
you're gonna fuck me, right?

Of course.

If she does, it'll
be considered necrophilia

because she's gonna be
one dead bitch.

Hi, Jussy.
We catch you at a bad time?

You should have just let
these guys go down, Jussy.

I wanted to go down,
but this angel

popped on my shoulder
and was, like, "Listen".

And I was, like, "What's up?"

Shut the fuck up
before I shoot you

where you stand in
your pansy red booties.

Holy shit, I am wearing
pansy red booties.

Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

Let's have those diamonds,
Justice.

I can't do that, Sissy.

Then lover boy gets one
in the fucking brain.

Yo, lovely ladies!

Would any of y'all
like a private audition

to be in my movie?

Bring that ass over. Come on!

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Oh, fuck me!

Crazy crackers with guns?

Time for me to get
my black ass out of here.

You really let me down, Justice.
Throwing it all away

for a little stoner
with bad pronunciation.

What's it gonna be, Sissy?

Which fighting style do you
want me to kick your ass in?

Are you kidding me?

I taught you
all your moves myself.

There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.

You're no match
for my Shao Lin Monk.

Yeah, but I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.

A little Venus Fly trap?
I'll counter with Dragon Queen.

How about a little "Bitch,
My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?"

Bring it on.

Aah!

Fucking stupid bitch!

Yo, I hope one rips off
the other one's shirt

and we see some fuckin' titties

floppin' around and shit
in the air. Yeah!

Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
I just wanted to say hi. I'm.

Banky fuckin' Edwards!

Just the mother-fucker
we came to see!

Holy shit! What the fuck
are you guys doing here?

Why the hell
are you shooting at me?

Two reasons.

One we're walkin',
talkin' bad-girl cliches!

And two because you're a man!

Only on the outside.

Stop the movie? Are you crazy?

All these ass holes on the
Internet are calling us names

because of
this fucking stupid movie.

That's what the Internet's for
slandering others anonymously.

Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that!

This isn't fair!

We came to Hollywood,
I fell in love.

Fuckin' we stole a monkey,
we got shot at

and I got punched in
the motherfuckin' nuts

by a guy named Cock-Knocker!

You know what? I feel
for you boys, I really do.

But Mir amax
you know, Mir amax Films

paid me a shit load of money
for "Blunt man and Chronic"

so it occurs to me
that people bad-mouthing you

on some website
is none of my fucking concern!

Oh, but I think it is.

We had a deal with you
on the comics, remember

for likeness rights

and as we're not only
the artistic basis,

but also, obviously,
the character basis

for your intellectual property,
"Blunt man and Chronic",

when said property was optioned
by Mir amax Films,

you were legally obliged
to secure our permission

to transfer the concept
to another medium.

As you failed to do that, Banky,

you are in breach
of the original contract,

'ergo', you find yourself
in a very actionable position.

Yeah.

You guys are gonna ruin
my movie career.

Well, we want something
for our mental anguish.

Tell you what
we'll settle this monetarily.

I'll give you half
of what I make.

Half?
Half's not good enough? Fine.

I'll give you two-thirds
of what I make.

Fuck you. You already said half.

You can't take it back.

Done.

Your shit is so tired, Justice.

Call me Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck
bitch.

Hello?

Truce?

I think I killed both of them.

I am an excellent marksman.
I've always.

Oh God.

Come on, you guys. It's over.

You all right,
Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck?

I was just about to jump in
and fuckin' get your back.

Holy shit, the cops.
We gotta get out of here.

No, no, no.
I'm tired of running.

Oh, Marshal. Hey, you awake?

Wake up, Marshal.

Oh. Are you OK?

Oh, my God, I'm paralysed!

That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralysed me!

Oh, sweet irony!

You're not paralysed.
It was just a tranquillizer.

Oh, Jesus! Ow!

Tranked by a little monkey!

My friends in the Bureau

are never gonna let me
hear the end of this.

You have friends in the FBI?

Uh-huh. They all made it in,
but I failed the exam.

Why the hell else
do you think I became

a Federal Wildlife Marshal?

I'll tell you why!
Because I'm a joke!

Maybe not.

I can make you a deal that
will get you into the FBI

regardless of test scores.

What kind of deal?

You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob

and say you never found the ape.

In exchange, I will give you
the diamonds we stole

and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy, and myself.

But I want a reduced sentence.

You'd be willing to do that?

For him,
I'd be willing to do anything.

I'm an international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.

That's all right.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.

If I go to prison,
will you wait for me?

I don't know.

Will you fuck me
when you get out?

Don't change the subject.
Will we fuck when you get out?

Snoogans.

Wow, there's a lot of love
in the room.

Regardless of what
you may have heard

I do not kiss guys.

OK. Play it cool, hotshot.

Sorry, Justice. We gotta go.

Hey, stop stealing monkeys.

Fuck you. Fair enough.

Wait for me.

What, here?

Well, boys, you're rich, in love.

Well, you're in love.

To top it off,
you got your own monkey.

What more could two guys
from Jersey possibly want?

Well, to have these fucks
stop talking shit about us

on the Internet for starters.

What have I been telling you?

There's not much
you can do to stop that.

Well, short of showing up
at all their houses

and beating the shit
out of them, I guess.

You know, with all the money
we're making, man,

we could buy
a lot of plane tickets.

"How many people
want to kick some ass."

Yeah?

Yeah.

Did you write
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob".

"Fuck them and
their stupid asses"?

Yeah. A while ago. So?

"How many people
want to kick some ass"

"I do, I do."

"And how many people
are sick of holding it back"

"I want."

did you say
Jay and Silent Bob are

quote "fucking clown shoes,
and if they were real"

"I'd kick the shit out of
them for being so stupid"?

Yeah. Really?

"How many people
are sick of holding it back"

"I am, I am."

"How many people
want to kick some ass."

"How many people
want to kick some ass."

"How many people
want to kick some ass."

"What you gonna do."

"When you're sick
of holding it back."

That's right. That's it.

Right. That's right.

That's right.

That's right. Right.

Right.

"I think I'll kick some ass."

"How many people
want to kick some ass"

"I would if I could."

"But I'm really just
a sensitive artist"

"I'm really just
a sensitive artist."

That's beautiful, man.

Now that was worse than
"Clash of the Titans".

I can't believe
Judi Dench played me.

Heh. Remind me to renew
that restraining order.

Why?

'Cause I'm gonna blast that
flick on the Internet tonight.

Why can't Hollywood ever make
a decent comic book movie?

Tell 'em, Steve-Dave.
Would you stop saying that?

Well that was just another
paean to male adolescence

and its refusal to grow up.

Yeah, sis, but it was
better than "Mall rats".

At least Holden
had the good sense

to keep his name off of it.

Why wouldn't Mir amax option
his other comic instead

the one with you and him
and your "relationship"?

What, "Chasing Amy"?
That'd never work as a movie.

But

I'm so fucking embarrassed.

Well, honey, you should be.

Took your characters
and turned them

into one 90-minute-long
gay joke.

It's like watching
"Batman and Robin" again.

Thanks. That means a lot
coming from the guy

who pretends to be Shaft

as opposed to the guy
who takes shaft.

Uh-uh. I don't hear you
complaining nightly.

I don't get out
to the movies much,

but I just have to say
"Blunt man and Chronic"

was blunt-tastic.

Are these leg cuffs
really necessary?

Don't make me
shoot you, Justice.

Yo!

The party's across the street,

featuring the greatest
band in the world!

Morris Day and the Time!

♪ "I" ♪

♪ "I've been watching you" ♪

♪ "I think I want to know you." ♪

♪ "Know you" ♪

♪ "I said, I" ♪

♪ "I'm a little dangerous." ♪

♪ "Girl, I'd love to show you." ♪

♪ "Show you." ♪

♪ "My jungle love." ♪

♪ "I think I want to know you." ♪

♪ "Jungle love." ♪

♪ "Girl, I'd love to show you." ♪

♪ "Show you." ♪

♪ "Wait a minute." ♪

♪ "You." ♪

♪ "You got a pretty car" ♪

♪ "I think I want to drive it." ♪

♪ "Drive it" ♪

♪ "I ain't playin', baby" ♪

♪ "I said, I." ♪

♪ "Drive a little dangerous" ♪

♪ "I'll take you to the crib, ♪
♪ rip you off." ♪

♪ "Jungle love, look out." ♪

♪ "I think I want to know you." ♪

♪ "Ohh, Jungle love." ♪

♪ "Girl, I'd love to show you." ♪

♪ "Oh, wait a minute." ♪

♪ "Jerome" "Morris?" ♪

♪ "I think we need ♪
♪ to funk them up again." ♪

♪ "All right, ♪
♪ we'll turn that shit around." ♪

♪ "Yes, good call." ♪

♪ And I'll be, like. ♪

♪ What, you don't know ♪
♪ fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? ♪

♪ The fuckin' mack daddys ♪
♪ of fuckin' Jersey? ♪

♪ And she'll be, like, "Oh, ♪
♪ I've read on the Internet" ♪

♪ "that youse guys are ♪
♪ a couple of little fuck holes." ♪

♪ "Yeah, I got a bearskin rug, ♪
♪ y'all sing it." ♪

♪ "I got a fireplace, ♪
♪ yo, I can't hear ta." ♪

♪ "Well, I'm all the way ♪
♪ live L.A." ♪

♪ "Oh, the things I can do to you." ♪

♪ "Play it." ♪

♪ "It's like I don't care ♪
♪ about nothin', man." ♪

♪ "Roll another blunt." ♪

♪ "I was gonna clean my room." ♪

♪ "Until I got high" ♪

♪ "I was gonna get up ♪
♪ and find the broom." ♪

♪ "But then I got high." ♪

♪ "My room is still messed up, ♪
♪ and I know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "I was gonna go to class." ♪

♪ "Before I got high." ♪

♪ "Come on, y'all, check it out" ♪

♪ "I could a cheated, ♪
♪ and I could a passed." ♪

♪ "But I got high" ♪

♪ "I'm taking it next semester, ♪
♪ and I know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Because I got high, ♪
♪ because I got high." ♪

♪ "Go to the next one" ♪

♪ "I was gonna go to work." ♪

♪ "But then I got high." ♪

♪ "I just got a new promotion." ♪

♪ "But I got high." ♪

♪ "Now I'm selling dope, ♪
♪ and I know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "I was gonna go to court." ♪

♪ "Before I got high" ♪

♪ "I was gonna pay ♪
♪ my child support." ♪

♪ "But then I got high." ♪

♪ "No, you wasn't." ♪

♪ "They took my whole pay-check, ♪
♪ and I know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "I wasn't gonna run ♪
♪ from the cops." ♪

♪ "But I was high" ♪

♪ "I'm serious, man" ♪

♪ "I was gonna pull ♪
♪ right over and stop." ♪

♪ "But I was high." ♪

♪ "Now I'm a paraplegic, ♪
♪ and I know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "I was gonna pay my car note." ♪

♪ "Until I got high." ♪

♪ "Say what, say what" ♪

♪ "I wasn't gonna gamble ♪
♪ on the boat." ♪

♪ "But then I got high." ♪

♪ "Now the tow truck's ♪
♪ pulling away, and I know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "I was gonna make love to you." ♪

♪ "But then I got high" ♪

♪ "I'm serious" ♪

♪ "I was gonna eat yo pussy, too." ♪

♪ "But then I got high." ♪

♪ "Now I'm jacking off, ♪
♪ and I know why." ♪

♪ "Turn the shit off." ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Keep going." ♪

♪ "Hey, do that over, man." ♪

♪ "I messed up my entire life." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "Go, go, go" ♪

♪ "I lost my kids and wife." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "Say what, say what." ♪

♪ "Now I'm sleeping on ♪
♪ the side walk, and I know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪

♪ "Because I got high." ♪

♪ "I'm gonna stop ♪
♪ singing this song." ♪

♪ "Because I'm high." ♪

♪ "Present tense" ♪

♪ "I'm singing ♪
♪ this whole thing wrong." ♪

♪ "Because I'm high." ♪

♪ "And if I don't sell one copy ♪
♪ I'll know why." ♪

♪ "Why, man?" ♪

♪ "Yeah, 'cause I'm high" ♪

♪ "'Cause I'm high." ♪

♪ "Are you really high now, man?" ♪

♪ "He really is high, man." ♪

♪ "Get jiggy with it." ♪

♪ "Oh, bring it back, ♪
♪ bring it back, bring it back." ♪

♪ "Say what, say what, oh" ♪

♪ "'Cause I'm high." ♪

♪ "Yo, my name is Afroman, ♪
♪ and I'm from East Palmdale." ♪

♪ "And all the weed I be smokin' ♪
♪ is farmer's hay." ♪

♪ "Excellent delivery" ♪

♪ "I don't believe in Hitler, ♪
♪ that's what I said." ♪

♪ "Oh, my goodness." ♪

♪ "So all of you skins." ♪

♪ "Skins?" ♪

♪ "Please give me more head." ♪

♪ "Mother-fuck, ha ha." ♪

♪ "Afro-motherfuckin 'M-A-N." ♪

♪ "M-A-N" ♪

♪ "Yeah, yeah, yeah." ♪

♪ "Unh, unh." ♪

♪ "A-E-I-O-U" ♪

♪ "And sometimes W." ♪

♪ "We ain't gonna sell none of ♪
♪ these motherfuckin' albums." ♪

♪ "Let's go back and hang ♪
♪ some more chickens, cuz." ♪

♪ "Fuck it." ♪

♪ "Fuck the corporate world, ♪
♪ biatch!" ♪

Snoogans.

What the heck is that?

What the fuck
do you think it means?

It means I'm kiddin'.