Jay Mohr: Funny for a Girl (2012) - full transcript

- It is.
- Is that buddy hackett?

Oh, god damn it.

You motherfucker.

- Go get 'em, baby.
- Ant Is brilliant.

You're wonderful. I love...

You're crazy.
- I love ant.

I love you.

Bob newhart once said to me,
"headlining comedians

is the second-smallest club,

next to living presidents."

I always thought that was cool.



And him and hackett always said,
"it's a brotherhood, man.

- You gotta keep it together.
- I'll never bad-mouth a comic."

He asked me a good question.
He said, "does it feel longer?

When you're up there,
does it feel longer

than an hour
or less than an hour?"

The first ten minutes
always feels about double,

and then...
Then you get to a point

where you're not thinking
about anything,

because... I don't know.
The plane took off?

How do you explain it?
- That a plane takes off?

The plane just takes off,
but the first ten minutes,

you're just chugging
down the runway

going, "okay, okay. We're good."

Look at this, my set list.



"New baby, two boys, diapers,

adult diapers..."

That's where my sister works,
right there.

Let's give them...
Shameless plug.

"Ranger Bob's,

scottsville, Kentucky."

Virginia.
That's my sister, Virginia mohr.

That's where she holds it down.

Let's do it.

♪ ♪

♪ Make you come home early ♪

♪ stay out all night long ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage...

Jay mohr!

Yeah!

Thank you! Thanks, very much.

Oh, it's great.

Hello!

Yes. Yes!

Oh, goodness gracious,
San Bernardino.

Oh! Thank you for coming.

This is already tremendous.

I love you too.

This is great.
Now I know why comics

are doing specials.
You come out,

and there's a great audience,
and you have

a great fucking time.
I don't know why

I waited so long.
Thank you for coming.

La raza!

For those of you
watching at home,

you know,
this might be November,

and you're in your house
watching, you know,

Jay mohr on showtime,
but you don't realize

it's August in San Bernardino,
and it's 114 degrees inside.

It is hot.

I put baby powder down my pants
when I left my hotel.

When I got out of the car,
pancakes fell out of the cuff

of my pants.

I have salmon swimming up
the crack of my ass right now.

That's how hot...

It's hot, I tell you.

Uh, I may forget some stuff
as we go.

I have a new baby at home,
so forgive me,

I'm a little out of it.
I don't sleep mu...

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

I got two boys,
eight years apart.

There's really, uh...

That's not a good age difference
at all.

There's nothing you can do
with them at all together.

'Cause one wants to shoot hoops,
and the other one,

you just stare at all day

watching him try to take a shit.

That's all babies do,
is try to grind one out.

Six straight hours of just, unh!

Crying. Turning red.

Babies can't shit.
I don't know why.

You put a baby in a car seat...
Remember when Elmer Fudd

would get super mad,
and he would turn, like, red,

and purple, and plaid?
That's my baby.

I put him in the car seat,
and he just

turns into the incredible hulk.
Unh! Unnh!

'Cause he can't shit.

Can you imagine... he cries.
Can you imagine

having to take a shit so bad
that you cry?

Come on.
That's a lot of Vicodin,

and imodium, and cheese.

You have to shit so bad,
you're on the toilet crying.

People come in
from another room,

with their bathrobes.
What's going on?

You want me to help?
Give me your feet.

Push on my hands with your feet.

Go like, unh!
And you're, aha-ha! Oh, ho-ho!

My four-month-old son just
cannot shit,

and I don't understand,
because it's only

9 inches from his throat
to his asshole.

What's the hold up, little man?

If I have a shrimp cocktail
from room service,

I'm running to the toilet
in 22 minutes.

This guy is having, like,
enfamil super sensitive

fussiness formula.

Unh-oh!

And he's looking at me like,

you motherfucker! Make me shit!

You're the fucking grown-up!
Aah!

Whoa.

I didn't know you could talk,
bro, relax.

That's all they do is,
they just try to poop.

And then they do poop, and
they're never done pooping

when you think
they're done pooping.

'Cause I'm a diaper changer.

We, guys, my... I'm 41 years old,

we're the first generation
of "I love you" dads.

Dads that are hands-on,
taking the kids to the park,

changing the diapers.
You change a diaper

'cause it's filled with mud.
It is filled, overflowing.

That little baby elmo picture
on the front, he's crying,

like, yeah, fucking take me off
of this... this is disgusting!

Kermit the frog,
like, hi-ho, Kermit the frog...

Get me the fuck
out of this baby.

I don't know if Kermit
would swear, but...

You take his diaper off,
and... just more shit comes out.

He just thinks it's funny.
And it comes out in, like,

a perfect little tube.

Like, there's a snake charmer
behind...

♪ Na na neer ner ♪
It just comes out.

And it... you know what
it reminds me of?

It looks exactly like
when we were kids,

the play-doh factory.

When you'd make the play-doh
come out like that.

And all I could think of was
I would pay $5,000 right now

if I had that play-doh
factory ruler

to press shapes
up against his tiny asshole.

And just have, like, the star...
Yes, sir!

The star comes out, you've got...
A little star tube.

Honey, come in here,
we're making spaghetti!

We got him circumcised
about three months ago.

Uh, little traumatic,
little weird.

I had to be in the room with
him, and he's holding my hand

the whole time,
and he's looking at me like,

are you fucking... really?

Really, this is best for me?
Okay.

Let me tell you something.

This is the only time
this has ever been

a compliment in the world.

The doctor, while circumcising
my son, said,

he has the penis
of a two-year-old.

I said, so do I.

Why do you think it took me
eight years between kids?

I'm not exactly putting the mail
in the mail slot.

I'm hung like a light switch.
It's a miracle he's here at all.

You know, the best part
about having a baby...

Carpool Lane.

That really is the overlooked
reason to have a child.

Because you forget that
that tiny baby counts

as a human being, 'cause it says

two or more people are
allowed, and you sit there.

You put your baby
in the car seat,

and it's not fair,
'cause the baby

can't face the front
like a person.

He's gotta face the back, like
he's on a southwest flight.

He can't, you know...

And so that your baby can see

you, you put...
He's facing this way,

you put, like, a mirror
on the headrest here, right?

And then he looks at himself
in his little mirror,

and then while you're driving,
you set your mirror up

to connect with his mirror,
and you look at each other

in this, like, fifth dimension
you've just created.

Then you rear-end a cop.

You forget. You're in traffic,

just eating your own ass
for, like, an hour and a half,

and you're talking to the baby
going,

look at this traffic,
little man.

This is bullshit.

Look at everybody
in the carpool Lane.

They're just beeping, giving you
the finger as they go by.

Ah ha ha haa!

And you look at the sign
and you go,

two or more peop...

Oh, my god, you're a person!

It never dawned on me
you were a human being.

You're just this little
tiny shit machine.

I didn't know that.

Then you just get on over.

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

You have a baby, you got to
start buying diapers, again.

I don't know
what diapers come in.

I don't know if they come
in a box.

Do they come in a bag?
Do you wrap 'em up in twine?

Do you... do you sell them
by the cord like firewood?

I'm not sure...
How diapers operate.

And I kept coming home
with no diapers,

because I thought the baby
on the diaper bag

had to match the baby
you had at home.

This happened two times.
I came back from Ralph's,

the supermarket,
and I said to my wife,

all they got are Korean
and black baby diapers.

And she... she's like,
are you a fucking idiot?

She didn't... that's what... I could
tell by the way she said,

really? But, she wanted to say,

are you a fucking idiot? Go...

Because I don't know
if different races

have different diapers.
Like the black diaper, you know,

you let a little out
in the front, just...

There are so many kinds
of diapers.

You guys don't even know.

You go to the market, there's
an entire aisle of diapers.

If you have diarrhea,

there's just a diarrhea section
in an aisle.

If you want a diaper, there...

Aisle six, diapers,
from the front of the store

to the back of the store.

And there are more kinds of
diapers than you had any idea.

Huggies one through six,

huggies seven
for a big fat baby,

huggies overnights,
huggies with wings,

if your kid's gay.

Incroyable.

I saw a bag of diapers...
I'm not making this up...

It said, I shit you not...

Ha ha ha... terrible.

Listen to me. Hey, focus.

I saw a bag of diapers.
It said, holds up to 35 pounds.

If you have a...

Child... I guess,
you would call it a child.

I would call it a fucking
wolfman baby, but if you...

Thank you.

If you have
a child werewolf baby at home

that goes to the bathroom
and unloads 35 pounds,

he doesn't need a diaper,
he needs a fucking job, okay?

Get him down to the docks.

Get him a nice union job...
What do you got,

like a 19-year-old at home?

He's captain of the football
team, shitting his pants?

What, huggies 42s?

You know what is always
fascinating,

when you buy diapers,
they have adult diapers

right next to baby diapers.

There's a... there are
all these baby diapers,

and then right at the end,
like, depends,

and whatever the other ones
are called.

And every time you look
at the adult diapers,

and you say,
that's not a bad idea.

I would never get up
from my seat at work ever agai...

I would get so much work done
if I could just put...

I would nev...
I could drive to Vegas

and never have to fucking
pull over,

if I could just wear
an adult diaper.

I could sleep the entire flight
to Australia.

I would just piss and shit
myself, and just change my dia...

Just switch out diapers
halfway over the Atlantic.

Pacific, however you get there.

I think it's equal,
no matter which way you go.

You know, it's amazing,
my son, my oldest boy Jackie,

he took a very long time
to get potty trained.

And every time you went
to lower him onto the toilet,

he would lift his knees up
like bugs bunny.

His knees would be
over his head,

and we... he was like
a narrow-assed kid,

and we'd try to lower his ass
into the... onto the seat,

but it would go
through the cylinder,

that's how thin he was,

and his balls and ass
would touch the water,

and he would start screaming.

And I'm like...
I said to my wife,

I don't get it.

Why doesn't this kid
want to be potty trained?

And my wife says,
maybe it just feels great

to piss in a diaper.

At that moment, we both knew

we were going to try
adult diapers.

And we did.
We went to the store.

The baby was
at his grandparents'.

And we walk into the market
like complete potheads,

giggling like we're just stoned,

like...

And we just go
just for adult diapers,

and we walk out
with adult diapers

and one coke zero, like...
We look like meth heads.

Like, we just... yeah.

We don't want to stop
cooking meth at all,

we just want to be out there
cooking all night.

I don't want to have to
take a shit

in the middle
of my meth cooking.

Just give me a diaper,
and get my coke zero!

We're just tweaking
our balls off,

laughing like we're on mushrooms
like idiots.

They check US out, we go home,
and we put on adult diapers.

And I have to tell you... I don't
know if you guys realize this,

I don't know if you've ever had
to wear one... hopefully not...

They're amazing.

If I had one on right now,
you would not know it.

You would think an adult diaper
would be

like jamming a life preserver
down your pants.

It would be disgusting
and cumbersome... no.

They fit beautifully,
like regular underwear.

I'm telling...
If I had one on right now,

you wouldn't even know.
That's how beautifully done

and perfect they are.

And we're laughing our faces off
in the house,

just laughing like we're
tripping our balls off,

and I look at my wife, I go,

you don't even understand.

The funniest part about this is
it's a joke, we're laughing,

but it's only a joke
for two people.

And my wife goes,
that's not the funniest part.

I go, what?
She goes, the funniest part is,

I'm peeing right now.

For like a minute, she's just...

I was jealous.

I watch a lot of law & order.

That really is what marriage
boils down to...

Life is boring, okay?

When you stop bullshitting
out in the clubs

and going everywhere
and getting in fights,

you got to find someone
you love being bored with.

And I wish you
my kind of happiness,

where on a Friday night,
you're laying in bed

in your pajamas with, like,
oatmeal cookies, going,

oh, it's a good law & order
with Jerry orbach.

Yes. Yes!

This is life,
and it's beautiful,

and I wish it for you.

You may be going,
don't wish that shit on me.

I'm out partying, hoofing it.
Leave me alone, slammy.

You ever see that law & order

for... where ice-t has
to go undercover...

There's... there's no segues
in my show.

I don't know if you've noticed.
And I don't really have an act.

We're just gonna jump
off a cliff together.

We'll build our wings on the way
down, if that's okay with you.

I don't want to structure
this shit out too much.

Let's just talk.

And everything I tell you
is true, okay?

You ever see the law & order
episode where ice-t

has to go undercover to break up
a ring of gay black athletes?

Yes? Yes!

It's the strangest episode ever.

It's like somehow, like,
the star quarterback

is having sex with, like,
another team's

star running back,
and Sam waterston's like,

is that what we're doing,
your honor?

You know, Sam... and, what?

I think that's my first time
doing Sam waterston.

Every time Sam waterston...
Jack McCoy... would get upset,

he'd wiggle his bangs
at the judge, your honor,

is that what we're doing
with the constitution?

Blowing our noses with it,
and letting quarterbacks

have butt sex
with running backs, your honor?

So they send ice-t,
being the only black person

on the show, to go undercover

to break up
the gay black athlete ring.

I don't even know what
the crime was, but I'm riveted.

I'm glued to the TV.

I gotta see how this plays out.

Is ice-t gonna wind up,
like, blowing a guy?

He's #.G., original gangsta.

They're gonna wind up
tricking for him?

Like, I don't know
what's happening.

So, like halfway
through the show,

they have all photos
of, like, all-pro athletes,

football guys,
up on the big board

in the squad room,
and ice-t just walks in

with a floor-length
leather coat,

and he points
to one of the guys,

he goes, yeah, Jesse mcdaniels?
He's on the down-low.

And then he fucking leaves.
He's done.

Like, that's his undercover work
for the episode.

There's no recordings,
there's no paperwork,

he didn't take any photographs,
he doesn't give...

He just walks in,
he's on the down-low.

I don't have an ending for that.
It just popped into my head,

'cause I was watching
law & order.

I have two boys, like I said.

I got a baby, 4 1/2 months old,
I got an 8-year-old.

My 8-year-old may be a...
1/4 gay, maybe.

And if you have a child
between the ages...

A boy child
between the ages of 1 and 13,

he's 1/4 gay too.

Don't look at me like I just
said some wacky shit.

Every boy is the gayest thing
in the world

until they turn that corner.

1/4 gay.

They are. And you know what?

We... all... I'm still 1/4 gay.
I swear to go...

I did a movie with Keanu Reeves
and forest Whitaker

called street kings, okay?

And Keanu reev...

Yeah. Oh, yeah!

Sure, like, you saw it
in the theater.

Nice try. Listen...

Keanu Reeves is so beautiful.

This guy took me out of my game.

I sat between...
And he's not gay.

You just wish he was gay,
'cause your wife would fuck him

in front of you, and it's true.

And so would I.

I would fuck Keanu Reeves
in front of you.

I don't... I wouldn't even care
if you had a problem with it.

I'd come to your house, I'd say,

it's me... I think you know Keanu,

and we would just come in,

and we would just do
wonderful things

to each other on your couch
while watching bravo.

Keanu Reeves is so handsome
and gorgeous,

he took me out of my game.

We're literally between,
like, takes three and four

in the movie, and I'm just
sitting in a chair...

I was on a desk.
I'm sitting on a desk,

in a squad room,
looking at Keanu,

and I'm just thinking to myself,
this motherfucker's beautiful.

I don't... he's, like, exotic.
Is he Hawaiian, or...

He could be anything.
He's just... look at...

His lips, he's... action!

What?

That's that 1/4 gay.
It comes in, all the time.

Don't act like when you see
pictures of Beckham

with his shirt off
you're not like,

who's this guy?

You know you do. Or you don't.

Maybe it's just me.
I don't care.

You don't think your son's
1/4 gay?

I know he is.
You know how I know?

'Cause I coached little league.

I've seen every 7 and
8-year-old in California

run to first base, and they run

like little men,
'cause that's the part

they've rehearsed
over and over and over.

The second you tell
a 7 or an 8-year-old,

go to second base! Go!

The wheels fall off. Oh-hoo!

Ah-hoo.

Their hat flies off,
they go back and get it.

I got an 8-year-old standing
on second base,

tucking his hair
behind his ears.

Oh-ho-ho.

♪ Get down on it, get... ♪

I'm like, how the fuck does he
know the words to that song?

Ever have a sleepover
with your son's friends?

That's the gayest shit that will
ever happen in your house.

You hear them all night long.

You set up, like, a tent in your
living room, and you just...

Hee hee hee hee hee.

They zip the windows
of the tent closed.

You come down and check on 'em,

they're wearing
each other's pajamas.

My son's wearing
spongebob bottoms

and a lightning McQueen top,

neither of which
he went to bed in.

I put him to bed
as a New York jet.

I put Wayne chrebet to bed,

and all of a sudden,
he's got spongebob bottoms,

lightning McQueen top, and
they're all mixed and matched.

One kid's got no shirt on
at all.

He's outside the tent, hustling.

He just hopes company
comes over.

He wants to fucking party.

Like a little Tracy Morgan.

I'ma get everybody pregnant.

Where's your father?

Get your father down here!

We gon' get everybody pregnant.

Boy pregnant!

They wake you up
with very gay problems.

Daddy? Yeah.

Tommy's punching US
in the penis too hard.

You tell Tommy I said
knock it off.

Okay, thanks, dad.
And he runs out of the room.

I try to go back to bed,
but I can't,

because as I'm laying there
with my eyes closed,

I can only think of two words.

Too hard?

What do you mean,
"Tommy's punching US

in the penis 'too hard?'"

you know... you know when you go
camping with your buddies,

and you're punching
each other in the dicks,

having a good time? You know.

You know when you're out
with your pal,

like, you're driving
and you're halfway through,

you know, riverside,
and you reach over,

you just start punching him
in his dick?

Just goofing off...
And he reach over

and starts punching you
in your...

Tommy doesn't do it right!

It's like, hey, Tommy,
we get it, you're a top.

Relax, okay? You're in charge.

Tommy is ruining the sleepover,

'cause he's not punching US
in the dicks the right way.

I fall asleep anyway,
'cause I don't care enough

about their shenanigans
to stay up.

I don't know if you've ever been
woken up by someone else's kid,

but that will scare
the shit out of you.

'Cause, whenever you look...
Your own kids

will scare the shit
out of... like, when they come

to you at 4:00 in the morning
like, daddy?

You're like, whoa, god!

You grab them by the throat,
and you're like,

oh, this is bad.
You got to put 'em to bed,

give 'em, like,
four Benadryl strips,

tell him it was a horrib...
That was a bad dream you had...

Where daddy grabbed you
by the throat.

Benadryl is like Jagermeister
to five-year-olds,

in case you're wondering.

♪ A mother's little helper ♪

I hear, "Mr. Mohr? Mr. Mohr?
Mr. Mohr?"

And I look over,
and it's that kid

with his fucking shirt off.
He's standing next to my bed.

Mr. Mohr, and I'm like,
hey, it ain't

that kind of party, little man.

And I...

I'm waiting for Chris Hansen to
walk out of my master bathroom.

Why don't you have a seat

right over there?

To catch a predator, that is
the best show on television.

It's a great show

because they catch predators.

But it's also a fascinating show
to me because the two most

important things Chris Hansen
has to say is the word "seat,"

'cause he tells each
sex offender,

have a seat over there,

and... he has to say the word sex,

but neither one
he can pronounce.

He comes out, he goes,
"why don't you have a 'sheat'

right over there?"

- "It 'shounded' like.
- You came here.

Because you wanted to have

'shex.'"

and the child molester's like,

I don't know what the fuck
you're saying, sorry.

Are you Tom brokaw?
Why do you talk like that?

Every guy on to catch a predator
says the same thing.

I'm here to save him.
I came here... on the Internet,

I was talking to him.

He's 14, and I came...

And then the cameras come out,
and they're like,

no, no, no.
I'm here to save his life.

He shouldn't be on the Internet,
soliciting se...

And Chris Hansen's like, did
you bring the wine coolers?

And he's like, yeah, I got 'em
right here, but that's not...

Listen, let's not get off track
here. I'm here...

Did you bring your condoms?

Yeah. Yeah, they're right next
to the wine coolers,

but I came here
to save his life.

Where's that one psychopath
predator... we know he's out

there... when Chris Hansen goes,

- "why don't you have a 'sheat'
- right over there?"

The guy goes, are you his dad?

You're cool with this?
I came here to fuck

a 14-year-old, are we good?

These cookies are amazing,
by the way.

I don't know if you know
your son can bake.

Oh, cameras? Holy shit,

did I just hit
the fetish jackpot?

Are you out of your minds?

- "It 'sheems' like you came here.
- For 'shex'."

Yeah, I want to fuck
a 14-year-old.

Where is he?
What are you doing here?

No, they all wiggle
their way out of it.

I got way off track.

The kid goes,
Mr. Mohr? Mr. Mohr?

He's got no shirt on.
I go, what is it?

He goes, "Jesse peed on US."

And I look, and this kid has a
giant piss stain on his quad.

Now, this isn't a "tell him
to knock it off" problem.

You got to go down there
and do some hands on,

upper management work,
if you got kids

peeing on each other, right?

I go downstairs, all the kids
are outside the tent,

and they're acting like
grown-ups, like, finally.

Like how you act, or I act,
like, when the I.T. Guy is late

coming to fix the computers
in your office,

like, "oh, yeah, I didn't know
between 9:00 and 5:00"

- "meant 5:15.
- Yeah, thanks for stopping by.

I'm covered in piss.

Thanks for coming downstairs."

They're all outside the tent,

in their mix and matched
pajamas,

and they all have giant spots
of piss on them.

Jesse's in the tent,
in his own pajamas.

He's sleeping like a baby.

And they're pointing at him.

I'm like, "yeah, I get it."

Jesse's family just moved
from long island,

and I think his father's
a legitimate businessman.

Jesse's ten.
He's a little old for this crew.

I pull him out by his feet,
and on the little tent

in the living room,
it made a great sound.

Just pajamas on that fucking
tent floor... zzzt!

And Jesse stands up, and he
comes up to, like, here on me,

and I'm like, "oh, shit."

And I go, "Jesse, did you
just pee on them?"

And Jesse goes, "yeah."

Like, this kid's ready
to fucking throw, right?

And in my mind I'm like, "don't
back down, don't back down.

Be a man.
Show them you're a man!"

I go, why did you pee on them?

He goes, "'cause I go
to use the bathroom",

- "and they all come in behind me."
- And they start.

- Tickling my back."
- I'm like, "I don't want to hear.

"The end of this story."

This is the gayest shit
I've ever heard in my life.

If you guys were covered
in glitter,

roller-skating around the house
waving rainbow flags,

that would be half as gay
as what you just said.

I hope my son is gay.

I'll be honest with you
right now.

God bless him.

I would be so happy and proud

that he was mine and my wife's
and not some asshole family

that would try and yell
and beat it out of him.

I'll tell you one thing,
if he's my son and he's gay,

we're gonna have one rule.

You're gonna come
out of the closet early,

and you're gonna be real gay.

I don't want, like,
you in a suit and glasses

acting cool gay
like Tim gunn on runway.

I want you in a fucking cape.

I want hermes sneakers,
Louis Vuitton backpack,

roller-skating to school,

with Anita baker
on the headphones.

If you're gonna be gay, mean it.

And I'll be like, that's my son!

Look how gay he is!

My son, today, just tested
for his green belt, and got it.

Eight years old,
youngest green belt

ever given out in that dojo,
okay?

So he can fight.

He's a tough guy,
and he can fight.

And I wrestled, so I can
teach him the ground game,

so my dream is that,
if he is gay,

I would put him in the u.F.C.
As the first openly gay fighter.

He'd be 40-0, all forfeits.

He'd be at the weigh-in, in his
little tighty-whitey underpants,

just stepping on the scale
with half a boner.

♪ 179! ♪

I like your bangs.

See you in the octagon.

Ground and pound.

I did a movie once,
up in San Francisco,

and my wife and I
and my son were driving

up the 5 freeway
from L.A. to San Francisco,

and that is just
a balls-across-your-nose drive.

There's nothing to do.

We listened to every
single thing on my iPod

that there is to listen to...
Black crowes, Beastie Boys,

Alice in chains, rolling stones,
Beatles, bad brains, Van halen,

all of it, bro.
Wu-tang, forever, #.D.B.!

♪ Shimmy shimmy yeah shimmy ♪

All of it.

My son's in the back
with a video game,

his eyes melting
out of his head.

He has no idea what's happening.

Once they get the video game
in their head,

they just turn into zombies.

And you can ask them questions,
and they're not there.

You're like, "hey, man,
you want something to eat?"

And he'll go, "no, I went
before we left the house."

And I keep playing al gree...
All this different music,

'cause I'm waiting to see
if he Bobs his head a little,

trying to get a vibe
on what he likes.

Nothing.

Nothing makes him move a muscle.

Four hours, at... I got
an extensive iPod selection.

Nothing.

My wife, it's her turn
to choose something.

She puts on Rufus Wainwright...

Gay... singing Judy garland songs.

Gayer.

The first song
on Rufus Wainwright

singing Judy garland is...

♪ Clang clang clang
goes the trolley ♪

♪ ring ring ring goes the bell ♪

My son looks up
from the back seat,

and he goes, "who's this?"

"Who is this?"

Swear to god.

My wife looks
across the truck at me,

and she goes,
he's on the down-low.

All true.

If I had to rename my boys,
I would rename them

cock and "block."

While sex doesn't
necessarily end,

it certainly gets compromised
in the way you do it.

Like, when they're one,
and they can sit up in the tub,

you just go
right around the corner

and you learn how to have sex
super fast,

standing up in the hallway.

You're like rodeo people,
like, "time?"

Time, eight seconds!

Whoo. Whoo!

Eight seconds!

And then you got to hit
that switch and walk

back into the bathroom.
How's your bath?

You can never just go
back to your old ways

of just show fucking.

Like, when you're just doing it,

looking at yourself
in the closet mirror,

going, "yeah!"

It's all, like,
viet cong tunnel rat style,

like, you unroll her pajamas.

It takes you, like, 45 minutes,
'cause they can hear you

unrolling,
like, sweatpants in bed.

And then you kind of sneak up
behind her.

She's like, oh, yeah, okay,

and she arch... she sticks it
out a little bit.

And you're just poking her
in the back,

because, let's face it,
isn't a vagina

a foot lower
than you think it is?

Every time,
is what surprises me.

You remember the first time
you put your hand

down a girl's pants,
guys, or lesbians?

Do you remember?

You've got your hand
all the way down her pants,

you haven't even
touched hair yet,

and you're like, "maybe
something's wrong with her."

I'll just keep going."
And then finally,

you hit it, and you're like,
"oh, my god,"

- that's right next to her.
- Asshole.

What happened to her?

Eeh!

- Did your parachute not open?
- What happened to you?

Were you... were you

in a car accident?

'Cause your vagina is

right next to your asshole.

We think, your...

Like, our penises...

- Now, I'm wearing a wetsuit.
- And four pairs of underwear,

And I'm very soft,

and it's cold up here.

Our penises are here.

We think that's where

your hole is.

No.

Your hole is where

our balls end.

That's like a foot.

- So you unroll the sweatpants,
- and you're poking her.

In her vertebrae...

- And she's accommodating.
- And nice,

- "Like, whenever you get"
- around to it, I'm good.

"It's a... it's a... you know.

It's a Jerry orbach one.

I'm fine."

Ooh.

And then when you finally
are inside,

you're not even enjoying it,
'cause the two of you

are just staring
at the doorknob...

Of your bed,
and looking underneath

for their little, creepy feet.

That's where I look.
I think she looks at the door.

Nah, I don't think she looks
at anything,

I think she just has sex,

but I'm too paranoid.

I'm glad I had boys first,

'cause they can prepare you

for having a real child, a girl,

because girls, you have to,
like, really parent a girl.

Boys you can make
a lot more mistakes with.

You can lie.

Two boys, just running
down the steps.

Daddy, can we watch TV?

And you're like,
we don't have a TV.

He goes, "oh, okay."

He turns around to run up,
but the other one's

still running down.
They smash their faces together.

They're unconscious
for two hours,

so then you smoke a bowl
and play Madden.

Not me, you.

Boys are dumb as bags of hair.

A little girl knows
you have a TV.

She has the receipt
from when you bought your TV.

It's in her office,
in her bedroom,

in her hello kitty
trapper keeper.

It's alphabetized, and she goes,
"I know we have a TV,

because the salesman"

was African-American,

- "and you didn't get.
- The extended warranty.

Because you were intimidated

by his muscles."

And she's right.

Little girls are always right,
just like women.

Your wife, when you argue,
she's right.

I see you shaking your head no.

Trust me, brother.

Happy wife, happy life.

I met my wife... and I was
an asshole my entire life...

And I always had this one motto,
my way or the fucking highway,

that's it.
Everybody does it my way,

or they're out.
And then when I was

with my wife,
about four months went by,

and I realized there was
no laundry done,

there's, like, shit stains
in my underwear,

I'm making, like, Turkey patties
and grilled cheese,

and then finally,
I looked at her and I went,

what's your way?

Her way is awesome!

Dishes go in the dishwasher.

Dishes don't go in the sink,
they go in this thing,

the dishwasher,
right next to the sink.

It's magical.

Guys are like, man, fuck him.

Women do weird stuff.
They get ready for bed.

Guys don't get ready for bed.

We just lay down
and sleep happens.

We have no idea
what you're talking about.

A woman will say,
what are you doing?

And you're like,
I'm watching sportscenter.

And she'll go, "again?"

And you'll go, "yeah. Why... what?"

"And the exact sportscenter

is gonna replay after this one,

and then I'm gonna watch

that one also."

And she'll say, "okay,
I'm gonna go get ready for bed."

Don't think you gotta
pound a michelob

and join her right away.
You still got a good 45 minutes

before she's in pajamas.

'Cause women get ready for bed.

How do you get ready for bed?

You get ready for a marathon,

you get ready for the Olympics,
you get ready for a prizefight,

you get ready for your s.A.T.S.

You don't get ready for bed.
But then, in they go.

Women are in the bathroom,
they close the door,

they lock it,
they leave the faucet running.

If you knock, they don't answer.

And if you put your ear
to the door,

it sounds like the pit crew
at the indy 500's

in there with her.

♪ Clang clang clang
goes the trolley ♪

♪ ring ring ♪

Ladies, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but when you come
out of the bathroom, 45 minutes,

you look exactly the same.

Guys don't get ready for bed.

We just pass out.

Women get ready for bed,
but they also

have to get the nightstand
ready for bed.

Anything that might happen
in the next nine hours

has to be accounted for
on the nightstand.

There's not... you'll sit there
going, "are you ready?"

And they're like,
"wait, need my water...

Tissues, right here."

"The new people.

Chapstick."

Can't go to bed
without chapstick.

I don't know why that is,
but for some reason,

ladies cannot
close their eyes at night

unless they put the chapst...

Like, are you afraid
you're gonna have a dream

about the desert,
and wake up, "oh, my god!"

"Thank god this has s.P.F.

I had a dream about the desert,"

and if I didn't put this on,

"it would have
burnt my lips off."

Guys lay down,
and when we wake up,

14, 15 hours later,

right next to the bed,
in the exact order

we took them off, shoes, socks,
pants, underpants,

t-shirt, jacket.

Stop asking US, "why don't you
pick up your clothes?"

I'm not done with them.

I've had these pants on
since Wednesday.

Boys are dumb.

When you have a boy,
you have to walk him

through every moment of his day.

Your son will be in the bathtub,
and you'll say to him,

"okay, get out of the tub

and put on your pajamas, okay?"

He goes, "okay,"
and then you leave his room

and realize, "oh, shit,
I forgot to tell him

to dry his body."

And you run back in,
but it's too late.

You have
a soaking wet swamp thing

jamming his little, wet carcass

into his Diego jammies.

Two legs in one leg hole,
like an idiot.

These don't fit me no more!

When I pick my son up
from school...

And I cannot emphasize
to you enough,

my boy is a special, great guy.

Sensitive, kind, caring.

Green belt...
He can kick some ass.

He's awesome.

And when I pick him up
from school,

I'm always excited to see him
at the end of the day,

but when he gets in the truck,
I'll go, "how was your day?"

And he just looks up and goes,

What?

But he says it like,
how did you know it was day?

- "What did you do.
- At school today?"

It's hard to say.

That's what he said to me once.

- "What did you learn.
- At school today?"

It's hard to say.

He can't do his seat belt,

'cause he doesn't realize
he's still wearing

his fucking backpack.

Oh, god!

- "What'd you learn.
- In school today?"

"What?

It's hard to say."

And I don't understand
why he's so defeated.

'Cause every morning starts
with such hope.

I get up at about 6:00.
I make my coffee.

I wake him up at about 6:15,

and every time I wake him up,
he goes, "eee, eee!"

And he makes... I'm like, "whoa!

Whoa!"

He goes, "is it morning time?"
I go, "yes."

And he goes,
how many in a row is that?

I'm like, who's giving I.S.D.
To my child?

They're all in a row,
Stephen hawkings.

Do you really want
to go through this?

How time operates?

It's a human invention.

We couldn't figure out
how long it was

until we saw the other cavemen,
so we created...

Ah, fuck it. It's morning time.

And we have breakfast and
we drive to school together.

And we have great conversations
on the way to school.

And now that he's eight,
he sits in the front seat.

And that's a big moment
for a father and a son,

when you're no longer
looking in that mirror.

When he's just sitting
right next to you.

It's pretty cool.

And it's also very odd,
because the only time

there's a guy in that seat,
in my truck,

we're usually sharing a joint.

It's either my wife,
or me and a buddy

on the way to a dodger game,
like, "yeah, kershaw."

And I look over and
there's an eight-year-old,

and I'm like, "there's no way
he's holding, right?"

And I just keep looking
at his backpack.

So many zippers.

We get to school,
and he gets out of the truck.

We kiss...

On the mouth, big hug.

Listen, this is a kid
that doesn't care

what his friends see.
A lot of kids

will make you drop 'em off
around the corner.

They don't want to be seen
with you.

Me and my son, we kiss, we hug.

He gets out of the truck
and every morning,

he takes off, and I go,
hey, wait a minute.

And he looks at me, and I go,
"be a leader today.

Be a leader, okay?"

He goes, "I will, daddy."

And he fucking runs into school!

Like he's in a rocky movie.

♪ Rising up ♪

♪ back on the streets ♪

♪ private school
took my chances ♪

And I watch him run into school.

Six hours later...

A young John mccain
gets into my truck.

I don't know what happened.
He comes out of school.

He's super skinny.

He has a hole in his shirt that
I know he put there himself.

He's covered in ink.
His hair's all fucked up.

Big, purple circles
under his eyes.

The sun is kicking his ass.

And he's, like, nervous
as to whether or not

he should get in the truck
with me.

He's like, "ahh?"

And then he gets in, and I go,
how was your day?

"What?

It's hard to say."

What's going on in there?

That's why I want a girl.

Little girls, they work
inverse to the way boys operate.

They'll be little bitches
all morning long.

They'll just talk shit to you,
like, "Uh, yeah",

"why don't you have more coffee?

Give yourself diarrhea, duh!

You're so stupid."

- "Yeah, if you're gonna."
- Make my lunch,

- Maybe don't give me fruit"
- that's bruised, okay?

People think we're hillbillies."

Little girls are brutal.
They will kick your ass.

They say the meanest shit ever,

and it's always true,
and they never waste it.

They wait until the most people
are around.

Like, a little boy... my son...
I'll go, "do your homework."

Do your homework."
And he goes, "all right, jeez!

You're such an idiot!"
And I'll go,

what did you say?
And he'll go, "what?"

I go, "did you just
call me an idiot?"

And my son goes,
who called you an idiot?

I'll be, "you just said..."
he goes, "I don't understand?

Why are we talking louder?"

Little girls wait till you have,
like, all your friends over

for your fantasy football draft.

And you're like,
could you not stand there?

And she's like, "how do you
even know I'm yours?"

And all your friends
are just looking down.

- "Don't... don't look up.
- She'll... you'll be next.

Don't look at her."

"If you look at her,
she'll attack."

A little girl will be bitchy
all morning,

but then when you pick her up
in the afternoon,

she's gonna have something
that I need, personally.

Information.

It's like the real housewives
of Santa Monica.

You get a little girl,
you put her into a school,

by the time...
Your daughter knows

everything that's happening
in your neighborhood.

She knows what neighbor
quit smoking,

but he's sneaking cigarettes
out on his deck.

She knows who shoved his wife
down a flight of steps.

She knows what kid
is in a remedial tutor class

after school.
They know everything.

Everything, and they can't wait
to dish and gossip.

That's what I need.

- "I don't know.
- It's hard to say."

No, I want that little girl
to hop in my truck,

and they start talking shit

before the seatbelt
is even clicked.

She just gets in, "daddy,
remember my friend Claire?"

"The one that's too fat

to wear leggings,

but she wears leggings anyway,"

and she has, like,
a sausage body?"

I'll be like, "I do remember
Claire, what happened?"

"Claire got a concussion

at McDonald's eating meat."

I'd be like,
"get the fuck out of here.

That's just... """

I wouldn't even go
in my driveway.

I would keep circling the block
to hear the rest of that.

Damn it.

You can be more authoritative
with boys.

If you have, like, four boys,
you can go,

hey, all you guys, out!
Get out of the house!

Don't even come back in
until I call you!

That's how mad I am right now.

And they'll leave.
They don't even know

they're in trouble.
They're like, "okay."

The baby is naked.
You're so angry,

you let a naked baby
walk out of your house.

And you're like,
I should put some clothes on...

Fuck him.

Two hours go by, you go,
all right, guys, bring it in!

And here comes
your little troop up the street.

Looks like they're coming back
from a civil war reenactment.

Boys have an amazing ability
to get into shit

you never knew
you could get into.

They're all soaking wet
from here down.

Your oldest son is holding
dog shit in his hands.

Making a dog shit snowball.

The baby's dragging
a prosthetic leg up the street.

Don't ask 'em where they were,
'cause they don't know.

They're dumb.

Try that with four girls.

It ain't gonna work out so good.

All four of you little ladies
get out of the house,

and don't come back in
until I call you!

They'll vote as a block.
They'll get together and go,

"why don't you

get out of the house?

We all voted, and you're

the least popular person in it."

And they're right.

Said, "you better watch it,
little lady, okay?"

You wonder why I get annoyed."
And she'll go,

"and you wonder why mommy

drinks in the garage."

You're like, "whoa, whoa, mommy
doesn't drink in the garage.

That's just where her cell phone
gets the best reception."

My favorite show CSI Miami.
I love it.

I love David caruso.

It's the most fascinating thing
to watch on television.

Miami, okay?

His character's name...
Follow me here... is Horatio.

Miami is filled with Cubans,
and the man's name is Horatio.

Was Jimmy smits' phone
off the hook

when they put this show
together?

Did Andy Garcia turn it down?

I don't think
when the writer wrote...

Horatio caine...

I don't think he thought
there'd be

a fucking orange haired man
with freckles and blue veins

wearing s.P.F. 55, playing...

Don't fuck with US, eh, homey?

This is a homicide, homes.
That's fucked up.

But... But they hit the jackpot,

because they got David caruso,
who, in my memory banks,

is the only actor
in the history of acting

that has learned how to act
and talk in slow motion,

while everyone around him
walks in regular speed.

Everyone's, like,
walking around,

bagging evidence,
doing chalk outlines,

and caruso just comes in,
super fucking slow.

Says some amazing shit
at the beginning of the show.

There'll be a dead body in
the passenger seat of the car.

The steering wheel's missing.
They open the trunk of the car.

There's another dead body
holding the steering wheel,

and you're at home going,
this is a good caper.

I like this.

And then David caruso goes,

"Well, frank...

I guess this is what happens"

when the driven

"get taken for a ride."

♪ Bwow! Boom boom! ♪

♪ Fighting in the streets ♪

It's fascinating.

Of course, we're gonna
watch the show.

They play the who every time.

It's one of the best songs ever.

"Meet the new boss,

same as the old boss."

Has that ever been
more relevant than today?

No. Do you think when

Pete townshend wrote it,
he'd have, like,

a ginger cop
saying that shit on CBS?

Probably not.

"Well, frank...

Never judge a book...

By its cover."

♪ Bwow! ♪

♪ Bom! Bom! ♪

I'm pretty sure anybody
could have pulled that part off

and it would have been
just as good.

I have this fantasy in my mind,

all different actors being
Miami.

Like, Joe pesci
as Horatio caine, going...

What the fuck?

You bring me
all the way out here

for a fucking dead body?
You fucking...

You Jew motherfucker.
What the fuck?

You stuttering prick,
you spider...

W-W-What am I? Pay no mind less?

You never judge
a fucking book by its cover?

♪ Bwow! ♪

Just as cool.

Adam sandler as Horatio caine.

He would take it to...
He'd be like,

It's... okay... I... it's...

No, uh...

I, uh... I don't know, uh,

there's dead people here,
you know, but, uh...

♪ La-ba-da-ba-doo ♪

But uh, she's dead, but she has
very nice, big titties,

that are dead too.

Shut up!

♪ Bwow! ♪

It'd be awesome.

Norm MacDonald as Horatio caine?

Are you kidding me?
What would have been better

than norm MacDonald
as a Miami homicide detective.

He just comes on,
he's all laughing and confused.

Oh, my god.

What the... what the "h"? Hey...

Hey, there's a guy, uh...

Hey, hold on a minute there,
buddy.

Hey, uh, guy, uh...

Oh, my god.

The guy's got a giant,
giant hole

where his chest used to be,
you know.

Oh, my god.

You know, it's amazing,
you know, huh?

Every day, his wife says, uh,
"hey, have a great day.

Yeah, oh, my god.

- Have a good day at work.
- There, you know."

And it probably never dawned
on his wife there, you know,

"hey, don't get a giant,

giant hole in your chest, huh?"

♪ Bwow! ♪

Christopher walken?
Are you kidding me?

Yeah, Christopher walken
as Horatio caine.

That would be amazing.
He'd go...

Oh, yeah.

I got here as fast as I could,
but...

I got a problem.

You call me
on my police radio cruiser,

and you tell me... oh!

You said, multiple homicides,

but there's two dead bodies...
Here.

Look, baby, when you tell me

that there's gonna be
multiple homicides,

I want 40, 50,
1,100 bodies stacked.

I want to take a ladder
to the top!

Don't waste my time.

Play my music.

♪ Bwow! ♪
He's like...

He's the only guy that could
actually ask for his own music.

Tracy Morgan would have been
a great Horatio caine.

Tracy would just come out.
He'd just come out of, like,

Roscoe's chicken 'n waffles.
He'd be like...

Yeah, what happened, frank!

You gonna tell me
there was a murder

while I was having my lunch?

Yeah, we gon' get everybody
pregnant, frank.

This is what happens
when the driven

get taken for a ride!

I miss my daughter, frank.

My favorite book is scruples.

I don't know
who's dead or alive,

but everybody's
gettin' pregnant.

I love you so much.

I carry it in my heart.

Yes.

Yes! Thank you, San Bernardino.

You guys are awesome.

I love you.

I miss my daughter.

I'm getting everybody pregnant.

Thank you very much.

I love you guys.

Thank you.

I said earlier,
and I was making a joke

about having a gay kid,
and I wanted you guys to know

how much I love you for real.

'Cause without you guys,
we don't have jobs.

But if you have a gay kid,
will you do me a favor?

Just love him.

Everybody's getting bullied
out there.

Let's teach 'em
to kick some ass back.

- There you go.
- Oh, good job.

That was great.

Give it up for Jay mohr!

It's pretty hot out there.

- I know, I know.
- Thank you, brother.

Great job, man.

- Did It look good?
Did it look good?

Was it great?
- It was awesome.

- I don't understand.
It's hot in here, but, uh...

it's a little warm.