Jane and the Lost City (1987) - full transcript
Jane and the Colonel must journey to Africa to the lost city to retrieve the diamonds before the Nazis do. Based on the classic adult UK comic strip 'Jane,' especially popular during WWII for its strong pin-up elements.
("Jane" by Vox Humana)
(fabric ripping)
♪ Ooh, Jane,
unforgettable, Jane ♪
♪ You've got that fabulous
smile that money can't buy ♪
♪ Ooh, Jane, so kissable, Jane
♪ You make the whole
world worthwhile with
a wink of an eye ♪
♪ Why, Jane, you may
be unoriginal, Jane ♪
♪ But you've been
inspirational ♪
♪ Jane, Jane, Jane
♪ I know that since
I've seen you, Jane ♪
♪ I feel I'm 17 again
♪ Wonderful Jane
(lighthearted music)
- Three days he's been gone.
I don't like it one bit.
- Shh.
(uneasy music)
- Tell, tell Churchill
I've found the Lost City.
It's...(grunting).
- Where, Scott?
Where is the Lost City?
It's no good.
(blowgun hissing)
(dart thumping)
(dramatic music)
- I say, Rashleigh, have
you seen this fantastic...
(dramatic music)
Oh, dash.
(spear whistling)
(spear whistling)
(spear whistling)
(spear whistling)
(whimpering)
- Prost!
- Prost!
(whimpering)
(spear whistling)
- Shit!
(table crunching)
Tell Churchill I've...
(uneasy music)
- (speaking in foreign
language), what is that?
(peaceful music)
- Beautiful.
Do you realize, Dr.
Schell, that such a diamond
could only have
come from one place.
- Yes, indeed, Fraulein Pagola.
That is why I contacted
the authorities
immediately I returned.
- Ah, so you must have
known that this diamond
could only have come from
the Lost City, correct?
- Well, I thought
it possible, yes.
But you see, my orders were--
- Orders?
(pistol slide clicking)
(bullet rattling)
I give the orders.
Once Herr Toifel has
interrogated your prisoner
you will return
to Africa with us.
- Interrogate?
That isn't, uh, I'm afraid
that will not be possible.
- Not possible?
Why?
(pistol clicking)
- When we docked in
Lisbon, the prisoner,
unfortunately, he escaped.
- What?
(pistol thumping)
Who is responsible, you?
- Me?
No, him, Herr Muller!
- Me?
(fingers snapping)
(whimpering)
- It's not fair!
A whole week and I
haven't tortured anyone!
I was so looking forward--
- Stop whining, Heinrich.
Tell me what you
found about those
two Englishmen that were killed.
- Both of them, agents.
And I understand
British intelligence
are about to call
in the Colonel.
- What, him again?
Those diamonds are
worth millions.
If the British get
hold of them...
The Colonel must be
removed immediately!
- For once I have
anticipated you, Lola.
A message has been sent to
my brother Herman in London.
Eliminate the Colonel and Jane.
- Ah, yeah, Jane.
We mustn't forget her.
- Indeed, no.
(lighthearted music)
- All clear, Fritz,
you can come out now.
Good, we'll be just in time.
(foot rasping)
Fritz, where are you?
(Fritz barking)
Now how did you get in there?
(knife blade clicking)
(knife thumping)
(groaning)
(ship horn blowing)
Keep still, Fritz.
Stop moving about.
- Ah, good evening, Jane.
- Oh, good evening, Colonel.
Been admiring the view?
- Always find it fascinating.
You know, the ships,
coming and going,
loading and unloading.
Still, come along,
mustn't be late.
This is a very important
briefing we're going to, Jane.
- What's it all about?
- Can't tell you.
All I know is it's top secret
and it could alter the
whole course of the war.
(lighthearted music)
(foot rasping)
Fine, I'll lead the way.
- Uh, just a moment, sir.
- Wonder what happened
to those poor devils.
- If you ask me, sir,
you're going on board
what was commonly
known as a plague ship.
- Rubbish, ha!
Do you think so?
(groaning)
- Colonel!
(fabric ripping)
(Colonel clearing throat)
- Well, one thing's for certain,
you can't go to the
meeting looking like that.
Tombs.
- Thank you, Tombs.
You're a gentleman.
- No, no, Miss, a servant is
not allowed to be a gentleman.
- Tombs.
- Why don't I wait
in the car, sir?
- You better wait
in the car, Tombs.
- Yes sir, I shall
wait in the car, sir.
What a good idea, sir.
- Come along, Jane.
(lighthearted music)
- Evening, sir.
Thank you, sir.
General Smythe-Paget
is below, sir.
- Well, you can spare
the time, Captain,
perhaps you care
to show us the way?
- Oh, yes, please, follow me.
(lighthearted music)
- Oh, do be careful, Miss.
- Oh, right.
Fritz?
What's happened to Fritz?
- Drowned, with any luck.
(pistol slide clicking)
- Fritz?
(door thumping)
(Herman grunting)
(Herman screaming)
(water splashing)
(Fritz barking)
Oh, there you are
you stupid dog!
(water splashing)
- And what do you know
about this Lost City?
- Um, which one, sir?
- Eh?
Oh, the one in Africa
where this race
of warriors built their city.
- Which no one has as yet found?
- That's the place.
Well, as you know,
legend has it that hidden
in that Lost City
is a fabulous hoard
of diamonds worth
hundreds of millions.
- Of course, being
born in Africa
you're probably familiar
with the legend, Colonel.
How this weird sect
of Leopard Warriors
came over from India
in the 14th Century
and they proceeded to
build this enormous city
in the jungle.
- Dammit, Fawcett, the man
does not want a history lesson,
he knows all about the place!
- Oh, quite.
- Well, to cut a
long story short,
sent three chaps in, two killed,
but now have evidence that
these diamonds do exist.
- We need those
diamonds, Colonel.
This great nation of
ours is hard pressed,
and alas the weapons of
war, which we urgently need
to stem the tide
of Nazi aggression
will have to be paid for.
They do not come cheap.
- How can I help,
Mr. Prime Minister?
- Oh, quite simple.
You and you're charming
assistant will go to Africa,
you will find the diamonds,
and you will persuade
the Leopard Warriors to
allow us to keep them.
Ooh, it's getting
damn chilly in here.
Would you please close
the porthole, my dear?
- Right, sir.
(metal clanking)
(Herman screaming)
(water splashing)
- You, uh, did someone say two
of our chaps were killed
looking for this place, sir?
- Third chap captured
by the Germans.
Luckily he escaped
and came back here.
You may have seen him
as he left the ship.
Poor fellow had the
devil of a time.
Completely lost his grip.
- Not entirely.
- Yes, I believe
I did notice him.
- Take off 0700 hours
tomorrow morning,
and landing here,
airstrip near Abu Abu.
- By simple process
of deduction,
the Lost City must
be somewhere there.
- I see.
- I'm sorry to have
to tell you, Colonel,
but I'm afraid the
Nazis are onto this.
Their war machine needs
diamonds just as much as we do.
It is imperative that they
do not fall into their hands!
- Trust me, sir, this country
will have those diamonds.
- Good man.
(angelic music)
Well, my dear, the lights may
have gone out all over Europe,
but I'm sure that you
will shortly illuminate
the Dark Continent.
(water splashing)
- I couldn't believe it.
To meet Mr. Churchill
of all people,
and to be dressed like this.
(lighthearted music)
I must go.
Perhaps we'll meet
again, Charles.
- I do hope so, Jane.
(metal thumping)
(chain rattling)
(Herman screaming)
(water splashing)
- Oh well, anchors aweigh.
Still, no harm done.
(lighthearted music)
(bubbles gurgling)
(airplane engines rumbling)
- [Colonel] Wake up, Tombs!
You sure you packed
the salt tablets?
- Yes sir.
- Water purifier?
- It's there, sir.
- Hmm.
Ah, what about my
collapsible camp bed?
- It's there as well, sir.
- Are you absolutely sure?
- I can see it from
over here, sir.
- Oh, he's bound to have
forgotten something.
(airplane engine rumbling)
(people chattering)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Money, money, money, money.
Money, money, money.
- Out of my way, pig.
(fist thumping)
(fist thumping)
(body crunching)
(crowd applauding)
- Heinrich, stabbing
that piece of wood
will not bring your
brother back to life.
- I know, I know.
But just to throw his
body into the river.
They never even
bothered to torture him.
He would have liked that.
Herman enjoyed pain.
- He's dead, forget it.
- But he was my
favorite brother.
Never once did he
blame me for what I did
to his foot when
we were children.
- I said, forget it.
- [Carl] Lola!
- Carl!
(speaking in foreign language)
Carl, darling, it's
been a long time.
- Berlin, 1936.
You are as beautiful as ever.
I see you are still smoking
those awful Egyptian cigarettes.
- But, of course.
I like to live
dangerously, darling.
So, you got my cable then?
- Abu Abu.
That place is a hell
hole, an old trading post.
There's nothing there
but an old broken down--
- Nevermind what it's
like, can you get us there?
- Is this coming with us?
- Yeah, gentlemen,
this is Carl Donner.
And please be nice to Heinrich,
otherwise he'll put
a knife in your back.
- So, why Abu Abu?
- You've heard of the Lost City?
- And the diamonds?
Who hasn't?
- Dr. Schell, here, is
going to find them for us.
Aren't you, Doctor?
- Well, well, I think
I have a good idea.
- From looking at books?
Listen, Lola, I am the
greatest hunter in Africa.
I will find that
lost city for you.
- And how are you going
to do that, big man?
- Simple.
First I will find a witch
doctor and ask questions.
If he does not answer
me I shall strangle him,
then I shall find
another witch doctor.
Soon, somebody will tell.
- [Lola] Good, when do we start?
- Everything is arranged.
You will be in Abu Abu tomorrow.
- Splendid.
I knew I could count on you.
You do everything so perfectly.
- There is one thing I
should warn you about, Lola.
The landing strip at
Abu Abu is nothing
but a flattened piece of dirt.
However, not to worry, I am
used to landing in such places.
- I trust you completely, Carl.
Oh, yeah, there is one
thing you should know.
The British are also
after these diamonds.
- Oh no, they're not, Lola.
I have taken care of them.
- How?
- My brother Herman was
a very good assassin,
but my little brother,
Hans, he is the best.
An artist, a master.
If Jane and the Colonel
are not dead already,
they will be very soon.
Forget about them.
(knife thumping)
(Heinrich whining)
(airplane engine rumbling)
- I didn't know you were
born in Africa, Colonel.
- Yes, mother was out
there at the same time.
- How long did you live there.
- Oh, must have been--
- Six months.
- Is that all?
- Yes, well, Africa
gets into the blood
pretty quickly, you know.
We should be there soon.
(door thumping)
Ah, be landing shortly, will we?
- Oh yes, Colonel, you will
be landing in one minute.
- Ah.
(lighthearted music)
Excuse.
Tell me, Colonel,
can you fly a plane?
- Afraid not (chuckling).
- Can anyone here fly a plane?
Good.
I dedicate this beautiful
moment to the Fuhrer
and to my beloved
brother, Herman.
Adios, dummkopfs.
(whimpering)
Heil Hitler.
- My God, he's taken
the last parachute!
- Oh no, he hasn't, Colonel.
He's taken your camp bed.
(Herman screaming)
- Wait a minute, if he's the
pilot, who's flying the plane?
(airplane engines whining)
It's out of control!
- [Tombs] Oh, blimey!
- [Colonel] Hang on,
Jane, just coming.
- [Tombs] Colonel, you've
got to do something!
- Like what?
- Well, where are the brakes?
There's not even
a steering wheel.
I think I'm getting
the hang of this.
- What about the wheels?
- Good thinking, Tombs.
Must be one of
these damn things.
(engine sputtering)
- Colonel, what have you done?
- What, I, um.
- [Tombs] He's only switched
the bloody engines off,
hasn't he?
- [Jane] Look,
there's land ahead!
- [Colonel] I hope
we can make it.
- We're losing height too fast.
- [Tombs] Be full of
sharks down there.
- Oh, shut up, Tombs.
- It's no good,
we're going to ditch.
Hold on!
- [Tombs] Shall I lay out
your bathing costume, sir?
(plane splashing)
(dramatic music)
(water gurgling)
- We made it!
- Good Lord, did
we swim that far?
Incredible!
- It certainly is.
I can't swim.
- Well, what do we do now?
- Make for Abu Abu.
As I remember from the map,
it's not too far from the coast.
- Just how far, Colonel.
- About, um, about that much.
- Hadn't we better make a start?
It'll be dark soon.
- Right.
- Right, come on, Fritz.
Now then, which way, Colonel?
- That way.
(speaking in foreign language)
- You're right, Carl,
Abu Abu is a hell hole.
- Yes, but soon you will smell
the clean fresh
air of the jungle.
My jungle.
(Heinrich crying)
- Why are you crying, Heinrich?
- I'm weeping for
my brother, Hans.
- That is Hans?
- Ya.
- He's not very big.
- Nor would you be if
you'd been thrown out
of a plane at 10,000 feet.
- How do you know that?
- He was a witness to it all.
Those English swines, they
strapped him to the camp bed
and just threw him out!
- So, the Colonel and
Jane are still alive.
- But the plane was out of
control, it would have crashed.
- I wonder.
(insects chirping)
- If you ask me, we're lost.
- No one is asking you.
And don't go falling
asleep, you're on watch.
- You know, Colonel,
all day I've had
the strong feeling we
were being followed.
- Ah, (chuckling),
imagination can play
devilish tricks like that.
- Pity we haven't
seen anyone, though.
- Ah well, it's late you see.
They probably go to bed early.
Not to worry, Jane,
tomorrow we'll meet up
with some friendly natives,
they'll show us the way.
It will all seem
better in the morning.
(lighthearted music)
(moves into dramatic music)
- Colonel, it is morning
and it isn't any better.
- If you ask me, that lot
doesn't look too friendly.
- Hey, that's quite
enough of that.
- Careful Jane,
don't annoy them.
- Magumbo!
(dramatic music)
Magumbo!
Magumbo!
10 moons ago, you
promised District Officer
take no more slaves.
You lied.
(spear whistling)
(spear cracking)
(fist thumping)
Anybody else?
(natives mumbling)
Pick him up and go.
(native grunting)
My name's Buck, Jack Buck.
Most people call me Jungle Jack.
- Me Jane.
Ooh, that is a big one.
- You ain't seen
nothing yet, baby.
Shh.
- What is it.
- I thought I heard a snake.
- Where?
- Shh.
About 400 yards ahead, listen.
It's okay, it's only a lizard.
- I didn't hear a
thing, just silence.
- Jane, Africa's never silent.
Look, all you have to do
is close those pretty eyes
of yours and listen,
really listen.
Go ahead, try it.
(insects chirping)
(elephant trumpeting)
(hippo grunting)
(lion growling)
(chimpanzee cackling)
- I heard it, all around us.
- Yes, it's my Africa.
(soft music)
- Didn't hear a damn thing.
How much further
to your camp, Jack.
- It's only another
four miles, Colonel.
There's one thing
you haven't told me.
What happened to your
pilot after you ditched?
- What?
Oh yes, the pilot.
- Uh, it was Miss Jane who was,
you see, flying the plane, sir.
- A lady aviator?
Well, I'll be darned!
Well you really are
something, Jane.
Come on, darling.
- Look, I know he seems
a decent enough chap,
but we are on a secret mission.
The less he knows the better.
- [Jane] Come on, Colonel!
- Did you tell Jane
that mum's the word?
- Yes sir.
- Good.
First class brandy.
I'll say this chap certainly
knows how to look after himself.
- Hmm, well, he's one of
them Americans, isn't he?
Still, if you ask
me, it ain't natural.
- [Colonel] What isn't?
- The way I see it
is if the white man
was meant to go traipsing
all over Africa,
he'd have been born black.
- Rubbish, what about
Gordon of Khartoum,
Doctor, um, Doctor
Livingston, all those fellows.
- They're dead, ain't they?
It's the heat that
kills them, you know.
Thins the blood.
- Shut up!
Drink your beer.
- Yeah, I guess
it was Hemingway.
Oh sure, I read Rice Burroughs
and Rider Haggard as a kid,
but that Hemingway.
To feel the cool
wind of the night
and smell the smell of Africa.
Ah, he knew exactly what
he was talking about.
And then (fingers snapping),
like that it all happened.
One day my daddy called
me into his office
and said, son, you
ain't ready come
into the airplane business yet.
First, you got a
lot of living to do.
So he writes me a check and
he said go see the world,
then come back and
take over (laughing).
- So you came
straight to Africa?
- Yeah, that was
about three years ago.
Look, that's enough about me.
Jane.
- Yes, Jack?
- I think there's something
you ought to know.
I was always come
right to the point,
straight from the shoulder.
Now about you and this Colonel,
are you, you two,
uh, what I mean is.
Let me put it to you this way--
- I work with him,
I'm his assistant.
- Oh God, that sure is
one hell of a relief.
(Jane laughing)
What are you doing way out here?
- Ah, well, that's
rather a secret.
- Ah, come on now,
you can tell me.
- Well, oh well, if
you must know it's, uh,
well, it's big game hunting.
- What?
- Oh, yes, the
Colonel's a crack shot.
- Wait a minute, Jane,
what are you saying here?
Britain is at war!
That great little county
of yours has got her back
against the wall, what the
hell you doing out here?
You ought to be out there
fightin' them damn Nazis,
not out here killin'
innocent animals!
What kind of people are you?
- Oh Jack, it's
not like you think.
There are reasons.
- Yeah, sure, bunch of cowards.
One thing I can't stand
is a coward, man or woman!
- Calm down, Jack!
- Like hell I will!
I should have let
Magumbo keep you
and eat you right
down to the damn bone!
- Well, to tell you the truth,
I think the time has come
to tell you the truth.
- The Lost City, billions
of diamonds, Nazi agents?
Colonel, sir, you must
think I was born yesterday.
- For the umpteenth
time, it's true!
And keep your voice down.
We don't want the
whole world to know.
- Jack, why do you
think we're here?
- I'll get all of
you to Abu Abu,
and then you're on your own.
(engine sputtering)
(Fritz whining)
(uneasy music)
Shh.
- What's wrong?
- We're coming into the
territory of the Water Warriors.
- Is that bad?
- Very bad.
- I don't think I like
the way he said that.
- We don't know much about
them except they are killers.
Okay, everybody, just
keep your eyes peeled.
(Fritz whining)
- Jack.
- [Jack] Yes, Jane?
- I thought you'd like to know
there's a crocodile
right behind us.
- Oh hell, Jane, I'm
trying to start the engine.
Why do you bother me with
stupid things like that?
You should be looking out
for the Water Warriors.
- Sorry.
(boat engine sputtering)
Go away!
(oar thumping)
(warrior grunting)
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, I guess that
is a Water Warrior.
It's alright, Mr. Tombs,
just a lone scout.
- I've got news for you.
Some of his mates
have come out to play.
(dramatic music)
- I suggest you get
that outboard going.
- I'm doing my best.
(war drum thumping)
Oh come on, baby,
come on, talk to me!
(warriors chattering)
(arrow whistling)
(arrow thumping)
Come on, baby, come on!
(arrow thumping)
(Fritz whining)
(war drum thumping)
(speaking in foreign language)
(spears whistling)
(boat engine sputtering)
- I suppose you have
switched the fuel tap on?
- Don't be stupid, of
course I've switched, oh.
(boat engine rumbling)
(arrow whistling)
- The river divides, which way?
- Take a left up
here, it's a shortcut.
(war drum thumping)
- They've given up.
- Strange that they should
all give up so easily.
- The question is, why?
- I think I've got the answer.
(rapids roaring)
- Oh damn, I knew
I forgot something.
(singing in foreign language)
(monkey chittering)
(Colonel sneezing)
(Fritz whining)
- Don't tell me, you
took the shortcut?
(men laughing)
(money chittering)
(soft music)
- So.
- Doctor, I say we
should head west!
- With respect, I think that is
the wrong direction,
Herr Donner.
- They are here.
- Who?
- The Colonel and Jane.
So much for their
plane crashing.
- They should both be dead!
They will be dead.
I will kill them, Lola.
You must let me kill them,
the honor of my
family's at stake!
I owe it to the memory
of my two dead brothers.
(Heinrich whimpering)
- Quiet, you idiot!
- Lola, he'll bungle it just
the same way his brothers did.
Let me handle it.
- [Colonel] Come along, Tombs.
- Quiet!
Well, here we are, my dear.
I'm in three, you're in four.
- The first thing I
need's a good hot shower.
- Well, I intend
getting my head down.
- Ah, that is a good idea, sir.
- Not you, Tombs.
Miss Jane needs some
decent clothing.
There's bound to be a dress
shop around somewhere.
- A dress shop in a
dump like Abu Abu?
- Oh, anything would do, Tombs.
Just so long as
it's clean and dry.
- Well, I'll see
what I can do, Miss.
- Thank you.
I better give you
my measurements.
- No need, Miss.
Your statistics is indelibly
imprinted on my memory.
- (chuckling) Well, don't
stand there smirking, man,
get on with it.
- Perfect, they don't
even realize we are here
so they will not
be on their guard.
We can eliminate these
British once and for all.
- Good!
First, I will kill that swine
of a Colonel, and then--
- No!
You will take care of the
Colonel quietly with your hands.
- You don't think I can do it?
- You will take
care of the girl.
- What?
But I want to kill both of them!
- No!
- Very well.
I will just kill the
girl, but beautifully.
- Dr. Schell.
- Me?
- You will make sure
that the servant Tombs
is kept out of the way.
- How will I do that?
- Talk to him, buy
him a drink, anything.
- Oh, so I don't
have to kill him?
- You, you couldn't kill time.
Right, the Colonel is in room
three, and the girl in four.
You both know what to do.
I will take care
of the other one.
- To your health, sir.
You are a true gentleman.
You're right about
women, though.
They may look as if butter
would melt in their mouths,
but you can't trust them.
Dogs you can trust, horses
you can trust, but not women.
- With a lion, you know
exactly where you are.
- True, true.
Did I tell you
about the grizzly?
- Hmm?
- Ah, a fearsome
creature is the grizzly.
Was up in Canada, I was,
prospecting for gold in '21,
or was it '22?
Ah, no matter.
(blissful music)
(water splashing)
(soap thumping)
(lighthearted music)
- Aren't you ready yet?
- Don't you understand?
I have to enjoy it.
I am an artist, I have
to savor every moment.
- Just get with it!
(fabric ripping)
- You peasant!
- What did you say?
- Nothing, nothing.
I am ready.
- Good, just go, and don't
you change your mind.
(ominous music)
(water splashing)
(ominous music)
(Heinrich giggling)
(dramatic music)
(Heinrich screaming)
(cat screeching)
- Excuse, is anyone
sitting here?
- I don't think so.
- Would you care for a drink?
- I always enjoy a beer chaser.
- I was after opals, you see.
Well, everyone was
getting along famously,
then suddenly out of the
blue, this woman appeared.
- Hello, what is
your name, stranger?
- Paddy Rafferty,
ma'am, at your service.
- Jack Buck, and you,
you're a woman, ma'am.
- Americans, you
are so perceptive.
(pill fizzing)
And where do you
come from, Jack?
- Out there in the jungle.
That's where I belong.
- Hmm, a body like this,
I bet you move like
a leopard, sweetie.
- I sure can.
- Show me.
- What?
- Dance with me, darling.
(waltzing music)
- I'm getting dizzy.
- You need some
fresh air, darling?
What the hell are
you doing down here?
- It was his fault, Lola!
- Whose fault was it?
- It was my fault, Lola.
- Oh, nevermind, get
this one outside quickly.
We have to interrogate
the American.
Come on.
(whimpering)
- Then I remembered
the story about
the green-eyed yellow god,
so I put the ruby back.
Wisest thing I ever
did in my life.
Hey, did I tell you about how
I discovered the Lost City?
(dramatic music)
- You found the Lost City?
- Don't be daft.
If he found it it
wouldn't be lost.
- It is only about
20 miles from here.
- Where, where?
- I wouldn't go back there
for a million pounds.
Barely got out with my life.
And I wasn't even
looking for the place.
- Where is it?
- Where is what?
- The Lost City!
- Ah, now, it is all years ago.
Although I do remember
there was this old volcano.
Well, lad, isn't
that the very place!
- What is?
What are you talking about?
- The picture, that's
the very volcano
and that's the mountain.
The Lost City is
between the two of them.
- Are you absolutely,
100% sure of this?
- Absolutely, that's
the place for sure.
At least, I think it is.
(head thumping)
(glasses clinking)
(fists thumping)
(Jack grunting)
- Nazi swine.
- He's tough, most men
would have broken by now.
- (mumbling), you know
nothing about torture.
Every man has his achilles heel.
You must let me
work on him, Lola.
- You're wasting your time,
he doesn't know anything.
- You're just saying that
because you have failed.
- I've found it, I've found it!
- The Lost City?
- Yes, yes, I know where it is!
- Wunderbar!
Gentlemen, we will
leave at once.
- But I haven't had my
turn yet, I want to--
- Oh, listen, you
incompetent creep!
No, no, I am feeling good.
Go on, enjoy yourself, Heinrich.
- Thank you, Lola.
(Heinrich giggling)
(lighthearted music)
(monkey chittering)
- Mr. Tombs, wake up.
Mr. Tombs, wake up!
(Tombs groaning)
Excuse me?
- Any time, Missy.
What'll you have?
- Have you seen Mr.
Buck, Jack Buck?
- Oh, that American chap, yeah.
He went off.
- Off?
Off where?
- How do I know?
One minute he was
dancing with this dame,
and then they went off together.
And a real good
looker too, you know.
- I see.
Thank you very much.
- Uh, Miss?
- Yes?
- Anything you need, any
time, just sort of whistle.
(monkey shrieking)
(dress ripping)
(monkey chirping)
(bartender whistling)
(monkey laughing)
(dramatic music)
- Beautiful.
So simple.
The (speaking in foreign
language) was an invention
of my grandfather, you do
understand how it works?
- Dirty swine.
- What?
- Ow!
(growling)
- Nevermind, you'll
soon get the point.
(Heinrich giggling)
Four candles to
light you to bed.
Four spears to
chop off your head.
- There's no other word for
it, just damn bad manners.
The least the fellow could
have done was to say goodbye.
Typical American.
- Personally, I think we're
better off without him.
- What?
I thought you were a
bit sweet on the chap?
- As far as I'm concerned, I
hope I never see him again.
- Really?
Well, I'd better get
this safari organized.
Come on, Tombs.
My God, look at the man.
Oh, see what you can
do with him, Jane.
- Oh, oh, dear.
What he needs is a pint of
brandy and six raw eggs.
- Thank you, but I think we'll
try the black coffee first.
(Tombs groaning)
Mr. Tombs?
- No.
- Oh, come on, Tombs, drink up.
- Oh, it's gone.
- Just drink your coffee,
you'll soon feel better.
- Nazis, they've
stolen the Lost City.
It was there on the wall.
- Yes, yes, along with
all the pink elephants.
(Fritz barking)
Fritz, where have you been?
Fritz?
(lighthearted music)
Fritz, come back here at once.
(string snapping)
(spear thumping)
(dramatic music)
(Fritz barking)
Fritz, what's got into you?
- [Jack] Jane?
- Jack?
Are you alone?
What are you doing down there?
- What the hell's it look like?
Will you get me outta here?
- Who did this to you, Jack?
- Some dame called Lola Pagola.
Will you just get me outta here?
- Lola Pagola?
Well don't you realize she's
Hitler's most deadly agent?
- Oh no!
- Oh yes!
She's evil, vicious, ruthless.
She lures men on
with her beauty and--
- Jane, will you just
cut the biography.
(string snapping)
Ah!
(spear thumping)
- Jack, I can't open the door!
- There's a way in
through the top.
For Pete's sake, Jane, will
you hurry, will you hurry?
(dramatic music)
Hurry, Jane!
(string snapping)
(spear thumping)
(Jack groaning)
(dress ripping)
Okay, I'll die happy.
Jane, save yourself!
- We'll make it.
(string snapping)
- Look out!
(spear thumping)
We made it!
(lighthearted music)
- Jack, I appreciate you're
the expert on these matters,
but don't you feel we're
rather ill-equipped?
- Listen to me, Colonel,
I wanna get those guys.
I'll be damned if
a bunch of Nazis
are gonna rough me up
and get away with it!
- But dear boy, we have no
food, no equipment, no tents!
- Ah, we don't need any of that!
Travel fast, travel
light, live off the land.
- We don't even have
a gun between us.
- I don't believe in guns.
- Well suppose we meet a lion?
- Well, I tell you
what you do, sir.
You look at that big
boy right in the eye
and you out-stare him.
Works every time.
Well, hell, almost every time.
- Almost?
- Yeah, some lions
are short sighted.
- Oh.
Great.
- Think back, Tombs.
Try to remember what
was in that picture
that was so important?
- I'm not very well.
It's all a bit of a
blur, is last night.
- Oh, don't worry, Tombs.
It'll all come back to you.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
(lighthearted music)
- Left a bit!
- Halt!
Think we stop here, yeah, Lola
- Good.
- Good.
Fellas, up tents!
Prepare the food, (speaking
in foreign language)!
(dishes clattering)
- The crystal, be
careful of my crystal!
(Heinrich chuckling)
- What do you find
so funny, little man?
- I'm laughing because
I have finished the job
you have failed to do.
- What do you mean?
- The Colonel and
Jane are no more.
With my genius for
timing, I have left
a little surprise for them
at the Imperial Hotel.
- You know, barman,
there's something
been worrying me
about that wall.
Oh, I know what it is.
You're clock's stopped.
And when you're ready, you
can give me another double.
(clock gonging)
(explosion booming)
(natives shouting)
(monkey chittering)
I think you better
make that a single.
(clock clattering)
(insects chirping)
(champagne fizzing)
- Haven't you found it yet?
- It is difficult.
There are three extinct
volcanoes marked on this map.
- Dr. Schell, the
one in the painting
is clearly not extinct.
- Yes, indeed.
And in 1891, the exact
date on the painting,
Professor Kent, in his
travels through Africa
refers to feeling
the ground tremble
and seeing the volcano erupt.
- So, then why the
hell didn't you tell us
about this thing before?
(rifle booming)
- Because Professor Kent
neglected to mention
which volcano it was.
- You and your damn books!
This means we will now have
to investigate all three!
- You should have
listened to me, Lola.
This man has been
wasting our time.
From now on, I will
lead this expedition,
and one thing I will
not be needing is this!
- It'll soon be dark.
- Cheer up, Colonel.
You'll feel better
once we've eaten.
- I'm starving!
I wonder what Jack's
managed to bag for the pot?
Now that's a thought, fire.
Tombs?
- Why don't I make a fire, sir?
- Good thinking, man.
- [Jane] Managed to
remember anything yet?
- No, Miss, I'm too busy
thinking about food.
- [Jack] Well, hi there!
- Ah!
- We're in luck!
We got ourselves a feast here.
Yeah.
(Fritz whining)
- You call this a feast?
- Jack, you said we'd
be living off the land.
- That's right, sir,
but you gotta know
the right places to look.
- Oh my God, he's
a ruddy vegetarian.
(peaceful music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Jane.
- Hmm?
- I was just thinking
about the other day.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry, what for?
- Well, for doubting you
and calling you yellow.
- You weren't to know.
- Oh hell, I shoulda known.
First time I saw you I
knew you were different.
I was right.
You saved my life.
You're my kinda woman, Jane.
- I'm glad.
I've never met anyone
like you, Jack.
- [Colonel] Time we were
moving on, don't you think?
(lighthearted music)
(faint speaking)
Why have they left it behind?
- It can only mean one thing.
They know where to
find the Lost City.
- And so do I.
It's all coming back.
He said it was between the
volcano and that mountain there.
- Ah, all we need to
do is follow them.
I wonder how long ago they left.
- That's easy
enough to find out.
I'll just see how
cold these ashes are.
(flesh sizzling)
Ah, geez!
- Or in other
words, not long ago.
(lighthearted music)
- Look, this proves we
must be on the right trail.
This cigarette's Egyptian,
and it's got lipstick on it.
- Lola Pagola.
We'll need to watch our step.
Ah.
- No sir, not up
toward the mountains.
- Why not?
- You were about to fall for
the oldest trick in the book.
- Oh, was I?
- Yes sir.
If this woman is as
clever as you say she is,
then she's obviously
laid a false trail.
Now, my guess is she
went right up this way.
- What, through the forest?
- Jack does know
about these things.
- Very well.
And do keep up with us, Tombs.
(lighthearted music)
- So, it was the wrong volcano.
I'm sorry!
- Shut up!
From now on, I shall
lead this expedition.
- Didn't I tell you he was
all brawn and no brains, Lola?
Not like you and me, huh?
- And you can shut up too,
you sycophantic psychopath.
- Thank you, Lola!
(lighthearted music)
- Make sure you don't lose
that painting, Mr. Tombs.
(insects buzzing)
- Be damned glad to
get out of this forest.
The place gives me the creeps.
- Well once you get
to know it, Colonel,
the forest really
is a friendly place.
Stay close to me, Jane.
Jane?
Jane!
(dramatic music)
Leave her alone!
Do what you want to me,
but don't you hurt her!
- Let go of me, let go!
- I'll have you know I'm a
Colonel in the British Army,
and that woman is under
my command and protection.
(club thumping)
- Here, you can't do
that to my Colonel!
(club thumping)
- Get your hands off me!
- Oh, I get it,
single combat, huh?
Alright, break out
your bravest warrior!
(club thumping)
(groaning)
- Jack!
(dramatic music)
(dress ripping)
That does it!
(fist thumping)
- Oh!
(queen gasping)
Gosh, jolly glad I didn't
meet you on the hockey field!
(singing in foreign language)
- Jack.
Jack!
What are they doing to Jane?
- Oh my God, trail by poison!
(queen laughing)
- Are you sure?
- Then after they
kicked me out of Roedean
I went up to Oxford, and
what a wonderful time!
Would still be there
if my aunt and mommy
hadn't chosen to both
die at the same time.
Well, of course,
when that happened
I had to pack it all
in and come back.
I mean, after all, one
does have one's duty to do.
- Oh, quite!
- You say what you like,
but I believe tradition
is very important, don't you?
- Absolutely.
- Tell me, what was
your first impression.
I mean, how do you think I
look as the Leopard Queen?
- Oh, most impressive!
Very regal!
- Really?
Oh, do have some
more galoopa juice!
- Oh, thank you!
- Ooh, powerful stuff.
Look, I hate to spoil
the party and all that,
but, um, well, what do you
intend doing with them?
- Well, of course in Auntie's
time you'd all be dead by now.
Well, she was a great
stickler for privacy.
Naturally, I'll have to punish
them, but not quite sure how.
Perhaps I could
cut something off.
(singing in foreign language)
- But you can't
possibly cut those off!
- Why not?
They do it to horses!
(giggling)
Oh, I'll think of something.
And after all, I
mean, fair play,
they did come here to
steal the diamonds.
- Well, they weren't for
us personally, you know.
They wanted to borrow them
for Britain's war effort.
- Ah, you mean the Empire
should rally to the flag?
- Exactly!
And while I think of
it, there's a bunch
of Nazis after those
diamonds as well.
- Halt!
- Lola.
- The river, that is the answer!
If they built a city, they
would build it near water.
- A brilliant deduction!
So, that is the right volcano.
- I was right, look!
(volcano rumbling)
(natives shouting)
- Come back!
- You swine!
(rifle booming)
(rifle booming)
(grunting)
Shoot, damn you!
(rifle booming)
(dishes shattering)
(singing in foreign language)
- Blimey, Colonel, can
you see what I can see!
- Yes, yes, Tombs, we're fully
aware we're in the Lost City.
- And in the middle of their
temple, so start praying.
- No, I meant up there!
Look at the volcano!
- Oh, God, that's all we need.
- Unfortunately, by the time
Great-Great-Grandmother died,
she was completely gaga.
Took the secret with
her to the grave.
- So there are no diamonds?
- Oh, yes, they're
here all right,
hidden somewhere in
this damn temple.
Only no one knows
how to get at them.
On and off we've been searching
for the past hundred years.
Oh, lucky the royal
family always kept
a few 'round for petty
cash, but apart from those,
the cupboard's bare, I'm afraid.
(volcano rumbling)
(natives screaming)
Come back, my warriors!
Are you men or children?
(natives screaming)
No!
This is too much.
Every time that bloody
mountain starts to rumble
they always trot
off into the jungle.
Well, they'll stay there
for days, you know?
And the point is
nothing every happens.
Oh, a couple of tremors, a bit
of smoke, and it's all over.
And to think, I gave
up Freddy for all this!
- [Jane] Who's Freddy?
- A boy I met up at Oxford.
Actually, he's an Arab prince.
Oh, just to think of him
makes me go weak at the knees.
Oh, if only I could
get back to England.
(volcano rumbling)
- I'll have you free in
just a second, Colonel.
(grunting)
- No, Jack, she's a friend.
- Oh.
(volcano booming)
- Oh, shit, it's really
happening this time.
- Oh, blimey, let's
get out of here!
- Stay where you are, Tombs!
I promised Mr. Churchill that
he'd have those diamonds,
and I'm damned if
I'm going to give up
simply because some blasted
volcano has chosen to erupt.
- Well said, Colonel.
(Fritz barking)
- Fritz, where's Fritz?
Oh, Fritz, she's
too big for you!
(Fritz whining)
- Colonel, if you
find these diamonds,
you can have them for
the duration of the war
providing you get
me back to England.
- Why should you help us?
- Very personal reasons.
- Ma'am (chuckling),
you've got yourself a deal.
- We should be there
very soon now, Lola.
- You have been saying that
for the last half hour.
- Get up you lily-livered
coward or I'll shoot you!
- Shh!
There is nothing, I can
hear no more tremors.
- Good, onward.
(foot thumping)
(Heinrich giggling)
- [Jack] Alright, let's
turn these big boys
so they're all facing outward!
(stone rasping)
- Nothing
- Well at least that ruddy
volcano's stopped rumbling.
- Oh, for heaven's sake, Tombs,
just concentrate
on the job in hand.
- Let's keep our cool, Colonel.
Finding the right combination
is obviously gonna
take a little time.
- A little time?
My people have been trying
for the past hundred years.
I did warn you.
- Well hell, these
statues weren't
put here for nothing, right?
That right, Colonel?
- Right!
- Jane?
- Right.
It's got to be here.
(stone rumbling)
- Jane, baby, you did it.
(ominous music)
(moves into triumphant music)
- Light those torches, Jack.
- Right.
(fire crackling)
(dramatic music)
- My ancestors!
- Ew.
- Reminds me of my club.
(uneasy music)
- Want the diamonds, Colonel?
(chest lid creaking)
(volcano rumbling)
- Time we got that out of here.
- I quite agree, Colonel.
But you must allow
us to do it for you.
All of you stand back!
(rifle bolts clicking)
No, on either side
where I can see you!
(volcano rumbling)
Carl, get the chest.
So, Colonel, you may have
beaten me in the past,
but you have lost
the last battle.
I always knew I could
beat you in the end.
- Don't you be too sure
of that, Lola Pagola!
- No, we're not done for yet!
- But you soon
will be this time!
Remember my dead brothers, Lola.
You must let me have them!
(volcano rumbling)
- Very well, but make it quick
before you get buried alive.
- How I will savor this moment!
Oh, who shall I kill first?
So many choices (giggling).
And will it be the
head or in the heart!
Will it be slow and lingering.
- I'm gonna rush
that little twerp.
- No, sir, I shall do it.
Good bye, Colonel.
- Stop speaking,
down on your knees!
You're dead!
(dramatic music)
(volcano rumbling)
- My God, the entrance!
- Nein!
(Jack grunting)
- Well, folks, I think
we're in trouble.
(volcano rumbling)
Look out, Jane, behind you!
(Jane screaming)
Are you okay?
- Sorry about that.
- Hi there, Great Grandma.
- Ah, that's it, no good.
We're never gonna be
able to lift that.
(tapping on stone)
- So, when we get out of here
you're going back to
England to find Freddy.
- When, don't you mean if?
- Who is this dear Freddy?
- Oh, just someone I know.
(lighthearted music)
(Tombs grunting)
- Any luck?
- Solid rock, every inch of it.
- Damn it, there's
got to be a way out.
- You don't give up
easy, do ya, Colonel?
- I'm British.
- I wonder.
- What?
- Well, it's a silly
story in my family
that Great-Grandma
was (grunting)
terrified of being
buried alive (grunting).
- [Jane] I can imagine.
- But, being a clever
old bird (grunting),
the story goes (grunting)
she made arrangements
to have another way out of
her coffin, oh, for insurance.
Just in case.
It used to give us
nightmares thinking
that Great-Grandma might pop
out of the ground at any time.
Ooh!
- Are you alright?
- Jane, it's true!
Great-Grandma did have
another way out, come and see!
- Careful, Jane.
(volcano rumbling)
(volcano booming)
(uneasy music)
- Let's take it easy folks.
- Yes, one good cough and
the lot could come down.
(volcano rumbling)
(Fritz whining)
Must have gone for miles!
- Come on, let's keep moving.
(uneasy music)
(volcano rumbling)
(planks thumping)
- That's done it.
- Go, Colonel, get 'em out!
(dramatic music)
(Jack grunting)
I can't hold it much longer.
- Leap forward, Jack,
throw yourself clear.
- Okay, here goes!
(stone rumbling)
Run for your life!
Jane, get the dog, come on!
(group coughing)
- Never, never thought we'd
get out of there alive.
- Oh, fresh air and freedom.
(spears thumping)
(dramatic music)
(horse snorting)
- Are these your people.
- No, rather afraid they're not.
- Freddy?
Freddy!
(triumphant music)
- What the devil is going on?
- Freddy came all the
way back from England.
Love, Colonel, love.
- Oh, oh that.
- Why didn't you ask
that Freddy and his mob
to help us track down
them Nazis, Colonel?
- Because, Tombs, this is
an entirely British affair.
Aided, of course, by
our American ally.
(airplane engine rumbling)
- It's a plane!
(dramatic music)
- Aircraft is ready to
take off, Fraulein Pagola.
- Very well.
Go.
(groaning)
(fingers snapping)
(Heinrich hissing)
(Schell whimpering)
Once we are airborne, I
wish to speak to Berlin.
(airplane engine rumbling)
Farewell, Africa, your treasure
will be put to good use!
(airplane engine rumbling)
- I wonder just how much these
diamonds really are worth?
- A million billion
Deutschmarks, maybe more.
- Don't you get any
ideas, little man.
- Me?
No, no, I was only asking.
- I've just been on the radio.
I spoke to the Fuhrer himself.
- [All] Heil Hitler!
- [Pilot] Heil Hitler!
- Shut up and fly
the damn plane!
- What did our beloved
Fuhrer have to say, Lola?
- He, he was overcome with joy.
When I described
the diamonds to him,
how many there were,
he started to cry.
- Our Fuhrer cried?
- All great men cry.
I am to tell you that he has
awarded me two Iron Crosses,
which he will personally
present to me when I land.
And Field Marshal Goering
has ordered fighters
to escort me back to Germany.
Pour me schnapps, Carl.
Success is mine.
Oh yeah, I nearly forgot.
Each one of you will receive
a signed photograph
of the Fuhrer.
Prost!
- I don't think I
want to go to Germany.
- No, we've got to do something.
- And pretty damn fast,
time's running out.
- You know, there's only one
thing I'm unhappy about, Lola.
- What is that?
- I would dearly have
loved to have seen
the Colonel and Jane
die, slowly, slowly.
- Right, that does it!
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
- Are you gonna give in,
or am I gonna have
to thump you first?
- I surrender.
(fist thumping)
(Lola grunting)
- I warn you, Colonel, my
father was a policeman.
- Yes, and your mother?
- She's in the S.S.
- So you want to
play dirty, huh?
- Anyway you want it, Colonel.
- Well, this is
a trick I learned
on the playing fields of Eton.
- We Germans know all
about your English tricks!
- Really, how 'bout this one?
(knee thumping)
- The old knee in
the groin (groaning).
- Oh, well played, sir.
(grunting)
(Fitz growling)
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
- I'm wearing you down!
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
(Fritz barking)
(dramatic music)
- Ah!
(Fritz growling)
Whoa!
- Good boy, Fritz.
(Fritz growling)
(pistol slide clicking)
- Get up, get back.
Hands up, all of you!
(pistol booming)
(pilot groaning)
Hands up!
- Get that dog away from me!
- Look at him (laughing)!
I don't believe it!
(Heinrich laughing)
- Carl, get down, you're
making a fool of yourself.
- Don't like little dogs.
(Fritz growling)
(Heinrich laughing)
- The elephant and the mouse!
Oh, look at your big
strong hero now, Lola.
(Heinrich laughing)
- Carl, do as I say!
- You don't understand!
Little dogs, they hate me!
(Heinrich laughing)
(Fritz growling)
- Little dogs, he's afraid
of the doodle poodle!
(door clicking)
(Heinrich screaming)
(airplane engine rumbling)
- What are you doing, dummkopf!
- He can't hear
you, on account of
you obviously just shot him.
(airplane engines whining)
- My God.
- Now I'm gonna get at her.
- No, Jane, no.
- Good advice, Colonel.
Anyone moves and they're dead!
- Lola, please, wait for me.
Shoot the dog!
- Shoot the dog?
(Fritz growling)
(fist thumping)
- Enough!
Now you're going to die,
you're all of you going to die!
(dramatic msuic)
- Help me, Lola!
Lola, help me!
(Lola screaming)
(Heinrich screaming)
- Another camp bed, Tombs?
- No, Colonel, I'm afraid
that was a parachute.
- Pity.
- Jack, where's Jack?
- Where to, folks
(triumphant music)
(pleasant piano musiC)
- Oh, Jack, do you have to go?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
That guy over there spent weeks
looking for me all over Africa.
- But right now?
- Jane, listen to me.
There's a lot of trouble
brewing in the Pacific,
and with my knowledge
of the jungle,
damn it, when Uncle Sam
calls you just gotta go.
- Come along, you two,
time to celebrate.
The diamonds are safely
on their way to England.
Mr. Churchill is
delighted, and to show
his gratitude he has
awarded us 36 hours leave.
- Oh no.
- Oh yes.
Well, that means that
you two young lovebirds--
(Tombs clearing throat)
Something wrong, Tombs?
- Your brandy and soda, sir.
- Ah, the rewards of the
just, what? (chuckling)
Did I say something to them?
- No sir, I just think they
wanted to be alone, sir.
- Ah.
Jolly nice tune you
were playing just then.
- I'll play it again, sir.
(pleasant piano music)
(pleasant music)
- Will we ever meet again, Jack?
- You're damn right.
No war's gonna keep us apart.
I'll be back.
(dramatic music)
(airplane engine rumbling)
- You've got to go.
Take care.
(Heinrich giggling)
(luggage thumping)
Remember me, Jack!
(dress ripping)
- Just the way you
are, sweetheart.
("Jane" by Vox Humana)
♪ Ooh, ooh, Jane,
unforgettable, Jane ♪
♪ You've got that fabulous
smile that money can't buy ♪
♪ Ooh, Jane, so kissable, Jane
♪ You make the whole
world worthwhile ♪
♪ With the wink of an eye
♪ Why, Jane, you
really are original ♪
♪ Jane, but you
are inspirational ♪
♪ Jane, Jane, Jane
♪ I know that since
I've seen you, Jane ♪
♪ I'm feeling 17 again
♪ Wonderful Jane
♪ Jane, you really
are original ♪
♪ Jane, but you've
been inspirational ♪
♪ Jane, Jane, Jane
♪ I know that since
I've seen you, Jane ♪
♪ I'm feeling 17 again
♪ Wonderful Jane
(fabric ripping)
♪ Ooh, Jane,
unforgettable, Jane ♪
♪ You've got that fabulous
smile that money can't buy ♪
♪ Ooh, Jane, so kissable, Jane
♪ You make the whole
world worthwhile with
a wink of an eye ♪
♪ Why, Jane, you may
be unoriginal, Jane ♪
♪ But you've been
inspirational ♪
♪ Jane, Jane, Jane
♪ I know that since
I've seen you, Jane ♪
♪ I feel I'm 17 again
♪ Wonderful Jane
(lighthearted music)
- Three days he's been gone.
I don't like it one bit.
- Shh.
(uneasy music)
- Tell, tell Churchill
I've found the Lost City.
It's...(grunting).
- Where, Scott?
Where is the Lost City?
It's no good.
(blowgun hissing)
(dart thumping)
(dramatic music)
- I say, Rashleigh, have
you seen this fantastic...
(dramatic music)
Oh, dash.
(spear whistling)
(spear whistling)
(spear whistling)
(spear whistling)
(whimpering)
- Prost!
- Prost!
(whimpering)
(spear whistling)
- Shit!
(table crunching)
Tell Churchill I've...
(uneasy music)
- (speaking in foreign
language), what is that?
(peaceful music)
- Beautiful.
Do you realize, Dr.
Schell, that such a diamond
could only have
come from one place.
- Yes, indeed, Fraulein Pagola.
That is why I contacted
the authorities
immediately I returned.
- Ah, so you must have
known that this diamond
could only have come from
the Lost City, correct?
- Well, I thought
it possible, yes.
But you see, my orders were--
- Orders?
(pistol slide clicking)
(bullet rattling)
I give the orders.
Once Herr Toifel has
interrogated your prisoner
you will return
to Africa with us.
- Interrogate?
That isn't, uh, I'm afraid
that will not be possible.
- Not possible?
Why?
(pistol clicking)
- When we docked in
Lisbon, the prisoner,
unfortunately, he escaped.
- What?
(pistol thumping)
Who is responsible, you?
- Me?
No, him, Herr Muller!
- Me?
(fingers snapping)
(whimpering)
- It's not fair!
A whole week and I
haven't tortured anyone!
I was so looking forward--
- Stop whining, Heinrich.
Tell me what you
found about those
two Englishmen that were killed.
- Both of them, agents.
And I understand
British intelligence
are about to call
in the Colonel.
- What, him again?
Those diamonds are
worth millions.
If the British get
hold of them...
The Colonel must be
removed immediately!
- For once I have
anticipated you, Lola.
A message has been sent to
my brother Herman in London.
Eliminate the Colonel and Jane.
- Ah, yeah, Jane.
We mustn't forget her.
- Indeed, no.
(lighthearted music)
- All clear, Fritz,
you can come out now.
Good, we'll be just in time.
(foot rasping)
Fritz, where are you?
(Fritz barking)
Now how did you get in there?
(knife blade clicking)
(knife thumping)
(groaning)
(ship horn blowing)
Keep still, Fritz.
Stop moving about.
- Ah, good evening, Jane.
- Oh, good evening, Colonel.
Been admiring the view?
- Always find it fascinating.
You know, the ships,
coming and going,
loading and unloading.
Still, come along,
mustn't be late.
This is a very important
briefing we're going to, Jane.
- What's it all about?
- Can't tell you.
All I know is it's top secret
and it could alter the
whole course of the war.
(lighthearted music)
(foot rasping)
Fine, I'll lead the way.
- Uh, just a moment, sir.
- Wonder what happened
to those poor devils.
- If you ask me, sir,
you're going on board
what was commonly
known as a plague ship.
- Rubbish, ha!
Do you think so?
(groaning)
- Colonel!
(fabric ripping)
(Colonel clearing throat)
- Well, one thing's for certain,
you can't go to the
meeting looking like that.
Tombs.
- Thank you, Tombs.
You're a gentleman.
- No, no, Miss, a servant is
not allowed to be a gentleman.
- Tombs.
- Why don't I wait
in the car, sir?
- You better wait
in the car, Tombs.
- Yes sir, I shall
wait in the car, sir.
What a good idea, sir.
- Come along, Jane.
(lighthearted music)
- Evening, sir.
Thank you, sir.
General Smythe-Paget
is below, sir.
- Well, you can spare
the time, Captain,
perhaps you care
to show us the way?
- Oh, yes, please, follow me.
(lighthearted music)
- Oh, do be careful, Miss.
- Oh, right.
Fritz?
What's happened to Fritz?
- Drowned, with any luck.
(pistol slide clicking)
- Fritz?
(door thumping)
(Herman grunting)
(Herman screaming)
(water splashing)
(Fritz barking)
Oh, there you are
you stupid dog!
(water splashing)
- And what do you know
about this Lost City?
- Um, which one, sir?
- Eh?
Oh, the one in Africa
where this race
of warriors built their city.
- Which no one has as yet found?
- That's the place.
Well, as you know,
legend has it that hidden
in that Lost City
is a fabulous hoard
of diamonds worth
hundreds of millions.
- Of course, being
born in Africa
you're probably familiar
with the legend, Colonel.
How this weird sect
of Leopard Warriors
came over from India
in the 14th Century
and they proceeded to
build this enormous city
in the jungle.
- Dammit, Fawcett, the man
does not want a history lesson,
he knows all about the place!
- Oh, quite.
- Well, to cut a
long story short,
sent three chaps in, two killed,
but now have evidence that
these diamonds do exist.
- We need those
diamonds, Colonel.
This great nation of
ours is hard pressed,
and alas the weapons of
war, which we urgently need
to stem the tide
of Nazi aggression
will have to be paid for.
They do not come cheap.
- How can I help,
Mr. Prime Minister?
- Oh, quite simple.
You and you're charming
assistant will go to Africa,
you will find the diamonds,
and you will persuade
the Leopard Warriors to
allow us to keep them.
Ooh, it's getting
damn chilly in here.
Would you please close
the porthole, my dear?
- Right, sir.
(metal clanking)
(Herman screaming)
(water splashing)
- You, uh, did someone say two
of our chaps were killed
looking for this place, sir?
- Third chap captured
by the Germans.
Luckily he escaped
and came back here.
You may have seen him
as he left the ship.
Poor fellow had the
devil of a time.
Completely lost his grip.
- Not entirely.
- Yes, I believe
I did notice him.
- Take off 0700 hours
tomorrow morning,
and landing here,
airstrip near Abu Abu.
- By simple process
of deduction,
the Lost City must
be somewhere there.
- I see.
- I'm sorry to have
to tell you, Colonel,
but I'm afraid the
Nazis are onto this.
Their war machine needs
diamonds just as much as we do.
It is imperative that they
do not fall into their hands!
- Trust me, sir, this country
will have those diamonds.
- Good man.
(angelic music)
Well, my dear, the lights may
have gone out all over Europe,
but I'm sure that you
will shortly illuminate
the Dark Continent.
(water splashing)
- I couldn't believe it.
To meet Mr. Churchill
of all people,
and to be dressed like this.
(lighthearted music)
I must go.
Perhaps we'll meet
again, Charles.
- I do hope so, Jane.
(metal thumping)
(chain rattling)
(Herman screaming)
(water splashing)
- Oh well, anchors aweigh.
Still, no harm done.
(lighthearted music)
(bubbles gurgling)
(airplane engines rumbling)
- [Colonel] Wake up, Tombs!
You sure you packed
the salt tablets?
- Yes sir.
- Water purifier?
- It's there, sir.
- Hmm.
Ah, what about my
collapsible camp bed?
- It's there as well, sir.
- Are you absolutely sure?
- I can see it from
over here, sir.
- Oh, he's bound to have
forgotten something.
(airplane engine rumbling)
(people chattering)
(speaking in foreign language)
- Money, money, money, money.
Money, money, money.
- Out of my way, pig.
(fist thumping)
(fist thumping)
(body crunching)
(crowd applauding)
- Heinrich, stabbing
that piece of wood
will not bring your
brother back to life.
- I know, I know.
But just to throw his
body into the river.
They never even
bothered to torture him.
He would have liked that.
Herman enjoyed pain.
- He's dead, forget it.
- But he was my
favorite brother.
Never once did he
blame me for what I did
to his foot when
we were children.
- I said, forget it.
- [Carl] Lola!
- Carl!
(speaking in foreign language)
Carl, darling, it's
been a long time.
- Berlin, 1936.
You are as beautiful as ever.
I see you are still smoking
those awful Egyptian cigarettes.
- But, of course.
I like to live
dangerously, darling.
So, you got my cable then?
- Abu Abu.
That place is a hell
hole, an old trading post.
There's nothing there
but an old broken down--
- Nevermind what it's
like, can you get us there?
- Is this coming with us?
- Yeah, gentlemen,
this is Carl Donner.
And please be nice to Heinrich,
otherwise he'll put
a knife in your back.
- So, why Abu Abu?
- You've heard of the Lost City?
- And the diamonds?
Who hasn't?
- Dr. Schell, here, is
going to find them for us.
Aren't you, Doctor?
- Well, well, I think
I have a good idea.
- From looking at books?
Listen, Lola, I am the
greatest hunter in Africa.
I will find that
lost city for you.
- And how are you going
to do that, big man?
- Simple.
First I will find a witch
doctor and ask questions.
If he does not answer
me I shall strangle him,
then I shall find
another witch doctor.
Soon, somebody will tell.
- [Lola] Good, when do we start?
- Everything is arranged.
You will be in Abu Abu tomorrow.
- Splendid.
I knew I could count on you.
You do everything so perfectly.
- There is one thing I
should warn you about, Lola.
The landing strip at
Abu Abu is nothing
but a flattened piece of dirt.
However, not to worry, I am
used to landing in such places.
- I trust you completely, Carl.
Oh, yeah, there is one
thing you should know.
The British are also
after these diamonds.
- Oh no, they're not, Lola.
I have taken care of them.
- How?
- My brother Herman was
a very good assassin,
but my little brother,
Hans, he is the best.
An artist, a master.
If Jane and the Colonel
are not dead already,
they will be very soon.
Forget about them.
(knife thumping)
(Heinrich whining)
(airplane engine rumbling)
- I didn't know you were
born in Africa, Colonel.
- Yes, mother was out
there at the same time.
- How long did you live there.
- Oh, must have been--
- Six months.
- Is that all?
- Yes, well, Africa
gets into the blood
pretty quickly, you know.
We should be there soon.
(door thumping)
Ah, be landing shortly, will we?
- Oh yes, Colonel, you will
be landing in one minute.
- Ah.
(lighthearted music)
Excuse.
Tell me, Colonel,
can you fly a plane?
- Afraid not (chuckling).
- Can anyone here fly a plane?
Good.
I dedicate this beautiful
moment to the Fuhrer
and to my beloved
brother, Herman.
Adios, dummkopfs.
(whimpering)
Heil Hitler.
- My God, he's taken
the last parachute!
- Oh no, he hasn't, Colonel.
He's taken your camp bed.
(Herman screaming)
- Wait a minute, if he's the
pilot, who's flying the plane?
(airplane engines whining)
It's out of control!
- [Tombs] Oh, blimey!
- [Colonel] Hang on,
Jane, just coming.
- [Tombs] Colonel, you've
got to do something!
- Like what?
- Well, where are the brakes?
There's not even
a steering wheel.
I think I'm getting
the hang of this.
- What about the wheels?
- Good thinking, Tombs.
Must be one of
these damn things.
(engine sputtering)
- Colonel, what have you done?
- What, I, um.
- [Tombs] He's only switched
the bloody engines off,
hasn't he?
- [Jane] Look,
there's land ahead!
- [Colonel] I hope
we can make it.
- We're losing height too fast.
- [Tombs] Be full of
sharks down there.
- Oh, shut up, Tombs.
- It's no good,
we're going to ditch.
Hold on!
- [Tombs] Shall I lay out
your bathing costume, sir?
(plane splashing)
(dramatic music)
(water gurgling)
- We made it!
- Good Lord, did
we swim that far?
Incredible!
- It certainly is.
I can't swim.
- Well, what do we do now?
- Make for Abu Abu.
As I remember from the map,
it's not too far from the coast.
- Just how far, Colonel.
- About, um, about that much.
- Hadn't we better make a start?
It'll be dark soon.
- Right.
- Right, come on, Fritz.
Now then, which way, Colonel?
- That way.
(speaking in foreign language)
- You're right, Carl,
Abu Abu is a hell hole.
- Yes, but soon you will smell
the clean fresh
air of the jungle.
My jungle.
(Heinrich crying)
- Why are you crying, Heinrich?
- I'm weeping for
my brother, Hans.
- That is Hans?
- Ya.
- He's not very big.
- Nor would you be if
you'd been thrown out
of a plane at 10,000 feet.
- How do you know that?
- He was a witness to it all.
Those English swines, they
strapped him to the camp bed
and just threw him out!
- So, the Colonel and
Jane are still alive.
- But the plane was out of
control, it would have crashed.
- I wonder.
(insects chirping)
- If you ask me, we're lost.
- No one is asking you.
And don't go falling
asleep, you're on watch.
- You know, Colonel,
all day I've had
the strong feeling we
were being followed.
- Ah, (chuckling),
imagination can play
devilish tricks like that.
- Pity we haven't
seen anyone, though.
- Ah well, it's late you see.
They probably go to bed early.
Not to worry, Jane,
tomorrow we'll meet up
with some friendly natives,
they'll show us the way.
It will all seem
better in the morning.
(lighthearted music)
(moves into dramatic music)
- Colonel, it is morning
and it isn't any better.
- If you ask me, that lot
doesn't look too friendly.
- Hey, that's quite
enough of that.
- Careful Jane,
don't annoy them.
- Magumbo!
(dramatic music)
Magumbo!
Magumbo!
10 moons ago, you
promised District Officer
take no more slaves.
You lied.
(spear whistling)
(spear cracking)
(fist thumping)
Anybody else?
(natives mumbling)
Pick him up and go.
(native grunting)
My name's Buck, Jack Buck.
Most people call me Jungle Jack.
- Me Jane.
Ooh, that is a big one.
- You ain't seen
nothing yet, baby.
Shh.
- What is it.
- I thought I heard a snake.
- Where?
- Shh.
About 400 yards ahead, listen.
It's okay, it's only a lizard.
- I didn't hear a
thing, just silence.
- Jane, Africa's never silent.
Look, all you have to do
is close those pretty eyes
of yours and listen,
really listen.
Go ahead, try it.
(insects chirping)
(elephant trumpeting)
(hippo grunting)
(lion growling)
(chimpanzee cackling)
- I heard it, all around us.
- Yes, it's my Africa.
(soft music)
- Didn't hear a damn thing.
How much further
to your camp, Jack.
- It's only another
four miles, Colonel.
There's one thing
you haven't told me.
What happened to your
pilot after you ditched?
- What?
Oh yes, the pilot.
- Uh, it was Miss Jane who was,
you see, flying the plane, sir.
- A lady aviator?
Well, I'll be darned!
Well you really are
something, Jane.
Come on, darling.
- Look, I know he seems
a decent enough chap,
but we are on a secret mission.
The less he knows the better.
- [Jane] Come on, Colonel!
- Did you tell Jane
that mum's the word?
- Yes sir.
- Good.
First class brandy.
I'll say this chap certainly
knows how to look after himself.
- Hmm, well, he's one of
them Americans, isn't he?
Still, if you ask
me, it ain't natural.
- [Colonel] What isn't?
- The way I see it
is if the white man
was meant to go traipsing
all over Africa,
he'd have been born black.
- Rubbish, what about
Gordon of Khartoum,
Doctor, um, Doctor
Livingston, all those fellows.
- They're dead, ain't they?
It's the heat that
kills them, you know.
Thins the blood.
- Shut up!
Drink your beer.
- Yeah, I guess
it was Hemingway.
Oh sure, I read Rice Burroughs
and Rider Haggard as a kid,
but that Hemingway.
To feel the cool
wind of the night
and smell the smell of Africa.
Ah, he knew exactly what
he was talking about.
And then (fingers snapping),
like that it all happened.
One day my daddy called
me into his office
and said, son, you
ain't ready come
into the airplane business yet.
First, you got a
lot of living to do.
So he writes me a check and
he said go see the world,
then come back and
take over (laughing).
- So you came
straight to Africa?
- Yeah, that was
about three years ago.
Look, that's enough about me.
Jane.
- Yes, Jack?
- I think there's something
you ought to know.
I was always come
right to the point,
straight from the shoulder.
Now about you and this Colonel,
are you, you two,
uh, what I mean is.
Let me put it to you this way--
- I work with him,
I'm his assistant.
- Oh God, that sure is
one hell of a relief.
(Jane laughing)
What are you doing way out here?
- Ah, well, that's
rather a secret.
- Ah, come on now,
you can tell me.
- Well, oh well, if
you must know it's, uh,
well, it's big game hunting.
- What?
- Oh, yes, the
Colonel's a crack shot.
- Wait a minute, Jane,
what are you saying here?
Britain is at war!
That great little county
of yours has got her back
against the wall, what the
hell you doing out here?
You ought to be out there
fightin' them damn Nazis,
not out here killin'
innocent animals!
What kind of people are you?
- Oh Jack, it's
not like you think.
There are reasons.
- Yeah, sure, bunch of cowards.
One thing I can't stand
is a coward, man or woman!
- Calm down, Jack!
- Like hell I will!
I should have let
Magumbo keep you
and eat you right
down to the damn bone!
- Well, to tell you the truth,
I think the time has come
to tell you the truth.
- The Lost City, billions
of diamonds, Nazi agents?
Colonel, sir, you must
think I was born yesterday.
- For the umpteenth
time, it's true!
And keep your voice down.
We don't want the
whole world to know.
- Jack, why do you
think we're here?
- I'll get all of
you to Abu Abu,
and then you're on your own.
(engine sputtering)
(Fritz whining)
(uneasy music)
Shh.
- What's wrong?
- We're coming into the
territory of the Water Warriors.
- Is that bad?
- Very bad.
- I don't think I like
the way he said that.
- We don't know much about
them except they are killers.
Okay, everybody, just
keep your eyes peeled.
(Fritz whining)
- Jack.
- [Jack] Yes, Jane?
- I thought you'd like to know
there's a crocodile
right behind us.
- Oh hell, Jane, I'm
trying to start the engine.
Why do you bother me with
stupid things like that?
You should be looking out
for the Water Warriors.
- Sorry.
(boat engine sputtering)
Go away!
(oar thumping)
(warrior grunting)
- Oh my God.
- Yeah, I guess that
is a Water Warrior.
It's alright, Mr. Tombs,
just a lone scout.
- I've got news for you.
Some of his mates
have come out to play.
(dramatic music)
- I suggest you get
that outboard going.
- I'm doing my best.
(war drum thumping)
Oh come on, baby,
come on, talk to me!
(warriors chattering)
(arrow whistling)
(arrow thumping)
Come on, baby, come on!
(arrow thumping)
(Fritz whining)
(war drum thumping)
(speaking in foreign language)
(spears whistling)
(boat engine sputtering)
- I suppose you have
switched the fuel tap on?
- Don't be stupid, of
course I've switched, oh.
(boat engine rumbling)
(arrow whistling)
- The river divides, which way?
- Take a left up
here, it's a shortcut.
(war drum thumping)
- They've given up.
- Strange that they should
all give up so easily.
- The question is, why?
- I think I've got the answer.
(rapids roaring)
- Oh damn, I knew
I forgot something.
(singing in foreign language)
(monkey chittering)
(Colonel sneezing)
(Fritz whining)
- Don't tell me, you
took the shortcut?
(men laughing)
(money chittering)
(soft music)
- So.
- Doctor, I say we
should head west!
- With respect, I think that is
the wrong direction,
Herr Donner.
- They are here.
- Who?
- The Colonel and Jane.
So much for their
plane crashing.
- They should both be dead!
They will be dead.
I will kill them, Lola.
You must let me kill them,
the honor of my
family's at stake!
I owe it to the memory
of my two dead brothers.
(Heinrich whimpering)
- Quiet, you idiot!
- Lola, he'll bungle it just
the same way his brothers did.
Let me handle it.
- [Colonel] Come along, Tombs.
- Quiet!
Well, here we are, my dear.
I'm in three, you're in four.
- The first thing I
need's a good hot shower.
- Well, I intend
getting my head down.
- Ah, that is a good idea, sir.
- Not you, Tombs.
Miss Jane needs some
decent clothing.
There's bound to be a dress
shop around somewhere.
- A dress shop in a
dump like Abu Abu?
- Oh, anything would do, Tombs.
Just so long as
it's clean and dry.
- Well, I'll see
what I can do, Miss.
- Thank you.
I better give you
my measurements.
- No need, Miss.
Your statistics is indelibly
imprinted on my memory.
- (chuckling) Well, don't
stand there smirking, man,
get on with it.
- Perfect, they don't
even realize we are here
so they will not
be on their guard.
We can eliminate these
British once and for all.
- Good!
First, I will kill that swine
of a Colonel, and then--
- No!
You will take care of the
Colonel quietly with your hands.
- You don't think I can do it?
- You will take
care of the girl.
- What?
But I want to kill both of them!
- No!
- Very well.
I will just kill the
girl, but beautifully.
- Dr. Schell.
- Me?
- You will make sure
that the servant Tombs
is kept out of the way.
- How will I do that?
- Talk to him, buy
him a drink, anything.
- Oh, so I don't
have to kill him?
- You, you couldn't kill time.
Right, the Colonel is in room
three, and the girl in four.
You both know what to do.
I will take care
of the other one.
- To your health, sir.
You are a true gentleman.
You're right about
women, though.
They may look as if butter
would melt in their mouths,
but you can't trust them.
Dogs you can trust, horses
you can trust, but not women.
- With a lion, you know
exactly where you are.
- True, true.
Did I tell you
about the grizzly?
- Hmm?
- Ah, a fearsome
creature is the grizzly.
Was up in Canada, I was,
prospecting for gold in '21,
or was it '22?
Ah, no matter.
(blissful music)
(water splashing)
(soap thumping)
(lighthearted music)
- Aren't you ready yet?
- Don't you understand?
I have to enjoy it.
I am an artist, I have
to savor every moment.
- Just get with it!
(fabric ripping)
- You peasant!
- What did you say?
- Nothing, nothing.
I am ready.
- Good, just go, and don't
you change your mind.
(ominous music)
(water splashing)
(ominous music)
(Heinrich giggling)
(dramatic music)
(Heinrich screaming)
(cat screeching)
- Excuse, is anyone
sitting here?
- I don't think so.
- Would you care for a drink?
- I always enjoy a beer chaser.
- I was after opals, you see.
Well, everyone was
getting along famously,
then suddenly out of the
blue, this woman appeared.
- Hello, what is
your name, stranger?
- Paddy Rafferty,
ma'am, at your service.
- Jack Buck, and you,
you're a woman, ma'am.
- Americans, you
are so perceptive.
(pill fizzing)
And where do you
come from, Jack?
- Out there in the jungle.
That's where I belong.
- Hmm, a body like this,
I bet you move like
a leopard, sweetie.
- I sure can.
- Show me.
- What?
- Dance with me, darling.
(waltzing music)
- I'm getting dizzy.
- You need some
fresh air, darling?
What the hell are
you doing down here?
- It was his fault, Lola!
- Whose fault was it?
- It was my fault, Lola.
- Oh, nevermind, get
this one outside quickly.
We have to interrogate
the American.
Come on.
(whimpering)
- Then I remembered
the story about
the green-eyed yellow god,
so I put the ruby back.
Wisest thing I ever
did in my life.
Hey, did I tell you about how
I discovered the Lost City?
(dramatic music)
- You found the Lost City?
- Don't be daft.
If he found it it
wouldn't be lost.
- It is only about
20 miles from here.
- Where, where?
- I wouldn't go back there
for a million pounds.
Barely got out with my life.
And I wasn't even
looking for the place.
- Where is it?
- Where is what?
- The Lost City!
- Ah, now, it is all years ago.
Although I do remember
there was this old volcano.
Well, lad, isn't
that the very place!
- What is?
What are you talking about?
- The picture, that's
the very volcano
and that's the mountain.
The Lost City is
between the two of them.
- Are you absolutely,
100% sure of this?
- Absolutely, that's
the place for sure.
At least, I think it is.
(head thumping)
(glasses clinking)
(fists thumping)
(Jack grunting)
- Nazi swine.
- He's tough, most men
would have broken by now.
- (mumbling), you know
nothing about torture.
Every man has his achilles heel.
You must let me
work on him, Lola.
- You're wasting your time,
he doesn't know anything.
- You're just saying that
because you have failed.
- I've found it, I've found it!
- The Lost City?
- Yes, yes, I know where it is!
- Wunderbar!
Gentlemen, we will
leave at once.
- But I haven't had my
turn yet, I want to--
- Oh, listen, you
incompetent creep!
No, no, I am feeling good.
Go on, enjoy yourself, Heinrich.
- Thank you, Lola.
(Heinrich giggling)
(lighthearted music)
(monkey chittering)
- Mr. Tombs, wake up.
Mr. Tombs, wake up!
(Tombs groaning)
Excuse me?
- Any time, Missy.
What'll you have?
- Have you seen Mr.
Buck, Jack Buck?
- Oh, that American chap, yeah.
He went off.
- Off?
Off where?
- How do I know?
One minute he was
dancing with this dame,
and then they went off together.
And a real good
looker too, you know.
- I see.
Thank you very much.
- Uh, Miss?
- Yes?
- Anything you need, any
time, just sort of whistle.
(monkey shrieking)
(dress ripping)
(monkey chirping)
(bartender whistling)
(monkey laughing)
(dramatic music)
- Beautiful.
So simple.
The (speaking in foreign
language) was an invention
of my grandfather, you do
understand how it works?
- Dirty swine.
- What?
- Ow!
(growling)
- Nevermind, you'll
soon get the point.
(Heinrich giggling)
Four candles to
light you to bed.
Four spears to
chop off your head.
- There's no other word for
it, just damn bad manners.
The least the fellow could
have done was to say goodbye.
Typical American.
- Personally, I think we're
better off without him.
- What?
I thought you were a
bit sweet on the chap?
- As far as I'm concerned, I
hope I never see him again.
- Really?
Well, I'd better get
this safari organized.
Come on, Tombs.
My God, look at the man.
Oh, see what you can
do with him, Jane.
- Oh, oh, dear.
What he needs is a pint of
brandy and six raw eggs.
- Thank you, but I think we'll
try the black coffee first.
(Tombs groaning)
Mr. Tombs?
- No.
- Oh, come on, Tombs, drink up.
- Oh, it's gone.
- Just drink your coffee,
you'll soon feel better.
- Nazis, they've
stolen the Lost City.
It was there on the wall.
- Yes, yes, along with
all the pink elephants.
(Fritz barking)
Fritz, where have you been?
Fritz?
(lighthearted music)
Fritz, come back here at once.
(string snapping)
(spear thumping)
(dramatic music)
(Fritz barking)
Fritz, what's got into you?
- [Jack] Jane?
- Jack?
Are you alone?
What are you doing down there?
- What the hell's it look like?
Will you get me outta here?
- Who did this to you, Jack?
- Some dame called Lola Pagola.
Will you just get me outta here?
- Lola Pagola?
Well don't you realize she's
Hitler's most deadly agent?
- Oh no!
- Oh yes!
She's evil, vicious, ruthless.
She lures men on
with her beauty and--
- Jane, will you just
cut the biography.
(string snapping)
Ah!
(spear thumping)
- Jack, I can't open the door!
- There's a way in
through the top.
For Pete's sake, Jane, will
you hurry, will you hurry?
(dramatic music)
Hurry, Jane!
(string snapping)
(spear thumping)
(Jack groaning)
(dress ripping)
Okay, I'll die happy.
Jane, save yourself!
- We'll make it.
(string snapping)
- Look out!
(spear thumping)
We made it!
(lighthearted music)
- Jack, I appreciate you're
the expert on these matters,
but don't you feel we're
rather ill-equipped?
- Listen to me, Colonel,
I wanna get those guys.
I'll be damned if
a bunch of Nazis
are gonna rough me up
and get away with it!
- But dear boy, we have no
food, no equipment, no tents!
- Ah, we don't need any of that!
Travel fast, travel
light, live off the land.
- We don't even have
a gun between us.
- I don't believe in guns.
- Well suppose we meet a lion?
- Well, I tell you
what you do, sir.
You look at that big
boy right in the eye
and you out-stare him.
Works every time.
Well, hell, almost every time.
- Almost?
- Yeah, some lions
are short sighted.
- Oh.
Great.
- Think back, Tombs.
Try to remember what
was in that picture
that was so important?
- I'm not very well.
It's all a bit of a
blur, is last night.
- Oh, don't worry, Tombs.
It'll all come back to you.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
(lighthearted music)
- Left a bit!
- Halt!
Think we stop here, yeah, Lola
- Good.
- Good.
Fellas, up tents!
Prepare the food, (speaking
in foreign language)!
(dishes clattering)
- The crystal, be
careful of my crystal!
(Heinrich chuckling)
- What do you find
so funny, little man?
- I'm laughing because
I have finished the job
you have failed to do.
- What do you mean?
- The Colonel and
Jane are no more.
With my genius for
timing, I have left
a little surprise for them
at the Imperial Hotel.
- You know, barman,
there's something
been worrying me
about that wall.
Oh, I know what it is.
You're clock's stopped.
And when you're ready, you
can give me another double.
(clock gonging)
(explosion booming)
(natives shouting)
(monkey chittering)
I think you better
make that a single.
(clock clattering)
(insects chirping)
(champagne fizzing)
- Haven't you found it yet?
- It is difficult.
There are three extinct
volcanoes marked on this map.
- Dr. Schell, the
one in the painting
is clearly not extinct.
- Yes, indeed.
And in 1891, the exact
date on the painting,
Professor Kent, in his
travels through Africa
refers to feeling
the ground tremble
and seeing the volcano erupt.
- So, then why the
hell didn't you tell us
about this thing before?
(rifle booming)
- Because Professor Kent
neglected to mention
which volcano it was.
- You and your damn books!
This means we will now have
to investigate all three!
- You should have
listened to me, Lola.
This man has been
wasting our time.
From now on, I will
lead this expedition,
and one thing I will
not be needing is this!
- It'll soon be dark.
- Cheer up, Colonel.
You'll feel better
once we've eaten.
- I'm starving!
I wonder what Jack's
managed to bag for the pot?
Now that's a thought, fire.
Tombs?
- Why don't I make a fire, sir?
- Good thinking, man.
- [Jane] Managed to
remember anything yet?
- No, Miss, I'm too busy
thinking about food.
- [Jack] Well, hi there!
- Ah!
- We're in luck!
We got ourselves a feast here.
Yeah.
(Fritz whining)
- You call this a feast?
- Jack, you said we'd
be living off the land.
- That's right, sir,
but you gotta know
the right places to look.
- Oh my God, he's
a ruddy vegetarian.
(peaceful music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
Jane.
- Hmm?
- I was just thinking
about the other day.
I'm sorry.
- Sorry, what for?
- Well, for doubting you
and calling you yellow.
- You weren't to know.
- Oh hell, I shoulda known.
First time I saw you I
knew you were different.
I was right.
You saved my life.
You're my kinda woman, Jane.
- I'm glad.
I've never met anyone
like you, Jack.
- [Colonel] Time we were
moving on, don't you think?
(lighthearted music)
(faint speaking)
Why have they left it behind?
- It can only mean one thing.
They know where to
find the Lost City.
- And so do I.
It's all coming back.
He said it was between the
volcano and that mountain there.
- Ah, all we need to
do is follow them.
I wonder how long ago they left.
- That's easy
enough to find out.
I'll just see how
cold these ashes are.
(flesh sizzling)
Ah, geez!
- Or in other
words, not long ago.
(lighthearted music)
- Look, this proves we
must be on the right trail.
This cigarette's Egyptian,
and it's got lipstick on it.
- Lola Pagola.
We'll need to watch our step.
Ah.
- No sir, not up
toward the mountains.
- Why not?
- You were about to fall for
the oldest trick in the book.
- Oh, was I?
- Yes sir.
If this woman is as
clever as you say she is,
then she's obviously
laid a false trail.
Now, my guess is she
went right up this way.
- What, through the forest?
- Jack does know
about these things.
- Very well.
And do keep up with us, Tombs.
(lighthearted music)
- So, it was the wrong volcano.
I'm sorry!
- Shut up!
From now on, I shall
lead this expedition.
- Didn't I tell you he was
all brawn and no brains, Lola?
Not like you and me, huh?
- And you can shut up too,
you sycophantic psychopath.
- Thank you, Lola!
(lighthearted music)
- Make sure you don't lose
that painting, Mr. Tombs.
(insects buzzing)
- Be damned glad to
get out of this forest.
The place gives me the creeps.
- Well once you get
to know it, Colonel,
the forest really
is a friendly place.
Stay close to me, Jane.
Jane?
Jane!
(dramatic music)
Leave her alone!
Do what you want to me,
but don't you hurt her!
- Let go of me, let go!
- I'll have you know I'm a
Colonel in the British Army,
and that woman is under
my command and protection.
(club thumping)
- Here, you can't do
that to my Colonel!
(club thumping)
- Get your hands off me!
- Oh, I get it,
single combat, huh?
Alright, break out
your bravest warrior!
(club thumping)
(groaning)
- Jack!
(dramatic music)
(dress ripping)
That does it!
(fist thumping)
- Oh!
(queen gasping)
Gosh, jolly glad I didn't
meet you on the hockey field!
(singing in foreign language)
- Jack.
Jack!
What are they doing to Jane?
- Oh my God, trail by poison!
(queen laughing)
- Are you sure?
- Then after they
kicked me out of Roedean
I went up to Oxford, and
what a wonderful time!
Would still be there
if my aunt and mommy
hadn't chosen to both
die at the same time.
Well, of course,
when that happened
I had to pack it all
in and come back.
I mean, after all, one
does have one's duty to do.
- Oh, quite!
- You say what you like,
but I believe tradition
is very important, don't you?
- Absolutely.
- Tell me, what was
your first impression.
I mean, how do you think I
look as the Leopard Queen?
- Oh, most impressive!
Very regal!
- Really?
Oh, do have some
more galoopa juice!
- Oh, thank you!
- Ooh, powerful stuff.
Look, I hate to spoil
the party and all that,
but, um, well, what do you
intend doing with them?
- Well, of course in Auntie's
time you'd all be dead by now.
Well, she was a great
stickler for privacy.
Naturally, I'll have to punish
them, but not quite sure how.
Perhaps I could
cut something off.
(singing in foreign language)
- But you can't
possibly cut those off!
- Why not?
They do it to horses!
(giggling)
Oh, I'll think of something.
And after all, I
mean, fair play,
they did come here to
steal the diamonds.
- Well, they weren't for
us personally, you know.
They wanted to borrow them
for Britain's war effort.
- Ah, you mean the Empire
should rally to the flag?
- Exactly!
And while I think of
it, there's a bunch
of Nazis after those
diamonds as well.
- Halt!
- Lola.
- The river, that is the answer!
If they built a city, they
would build it near water.
- A brilliant deduction!
So, that is the right volcano.
- I was right, look!
(volcano rumbling)
(natives shouting)
- Come back!
- You swine!
(rifle booming)
(rifle booming)
(grunting)
Shoot, damn you!
(rifle booming)
(dishes shattering)
(singing in foreign language)
- Blimey, Colonel, can
you see what I can see!
- Yes, yes, Tombs, we're fully
aware we're in the Lost City.
- And in the middle of their
temple, so start praying.
- No, I meant up there!
Look at the volcano!
- Oh, God, that's all we need.
- Unfortunately, by the time
Great-Great-Grandmother died,
she was completely gaga.
Took the secret with
her to the grave.
- So there are no diamonds?
- Oh, yes, they're
here all right,
hidden somewhere in
this damn temple.
Only no one knows
how to get at them.
On and off we've been searching
for the past hundred years.
Oh, lucky the royal
family always kept
a few 'round for petty
cash, but apart from those,
the cupboard's bare, I'm afraid.
(volcano rumbling)
(natives screaming)
Come back, my warriors!
Are you men or children?
(natives screaming)
No!
This is too much.
Every time that bloody
mountain starts to rumble
they always trot
off into the jungle.
Well, they'll stay there
for days, you know?
And the point is
nothing every happens.
Oh, a couple of tremors, a bit
of smoke, and it's all over.
And to think, I gave
up Freddy for all this!
- [Jane] Who's Freddy?
- A boy I met up at Oxford.
Actually, he's an Arab prince.
Oh, just to think of him
makes me go weak at the knees.
Oh, if only I could
get back to England.
(volcano rumbling)
- I'll have you free in
just a second, Colonel.
(grunting)
- No, Jack, she's a friend.
- Oh.
(volcano booming)
- Oh, shit, it's really
happening this time.
- Oh, blimey, let's
get out of here!
- Stay where you are, Tombs!
I promised Mr. Churchill that
he'd have those diamonds,
and I'm damned if
I'm going to give up
simply because some blasted
volcano has chosen to erupt.
- Well said, Colonel.
(Fritz barking)
- Fritz, where's Fritz?
Oh, Fritz, she's
too big for you!
(Fritz whining)
- Colonel, if you
find these diamonds,
you can have them for
the duration of the war
providing you get
me back to England.
- Why should you help us?
- Very personal reasons.
- Ma'am (chuckling),
you've got yourself a deal.
- We should be there
very soon now, Lola.
- You have been saying that
for the last half hour.
- Get up you lily-livered
coward or I'll shoot you!
- Shh!
There is nothing, I can
hear no more tremors.
- Good, onward.
(foot thumping)
(Heinrich giggling)
- [Jack] Alright, let's
turn these big boys
so they're all facing outward!
(stone rasping)
- Nothing
- Well at least that ruddy
volcano's stopped rumbling.
- Oh, for heaven's sake, Tombs,
just concentrate
on the job in hand.
- Let's keep our cool, Colonel.
Finding the right combination
is obviously gonna
take a little time.
- A little time?
My people have been trying
for the past hundred years.
I did warn you.
- Well hell, these
statues weren't
put here for nothing, right?
That right, Colonel?
- Right!
- Jane?
- Right.
It's got to be here.
(stone rumbling)
- Jane, baby, you did it.
(ominous music)
(moves into triumphant music)
- Light those torches, Jack.
- Right.
(fire crackling)
(dramatic music)
- My ancestors!
- Ew.
- Reminds me of my club.
(uneasy music)
- Want the diamonds, Colonel?
(chest lid creaking)
(volcano rumbling)
- Time we got that out of here.
- I quite agree, Colonel.
But you must allow
us to do it for you.
All of you stand back!
(rifle bolts clicking)
No, on either side
where I can see you!
(volcano rumbling)
Carl, get the chest.
So, Colonel, you may have
beaten me in the past,
but you have lost
the last battle.
I always knew I could
beat you in the end.
- Don't you be too sure
of that, Lola Pagola!
- No, we're not done for yet!
- But you soon
will be this time!
Remember my dead brothers, Lola.
You must let me have them!
(volcano rumbling)
- Very well, but make it quick
before you get buried alive.
- How I will savor this moment!
Oh, who shall I kill first?
So many choices (giggling).
And will it be the
head or in the heart!
Will it be slow and lingering.
- I'm gonna rush
that little twerp.
- No, sir, I shall do it.
Good bye, Colonel.
- Stop speaking,
down on your knees!
You're dead!
(dramatic music)
(volcano rumbling)
- My God, the entrance!
- Nein!
(Jack grunting)
- Well, folks, I think
we're in trouble.
(volcano rumbling)
Look out, Jane, behind you!
(Jane screaming)
Are you okay?
- Sorry about that.
- Hi there, Great Grandma.
- Ah, that's it, no good.
We're never gonna be
able to lift that.
(tapping on stone)
- So, when we get out of here
you're going back to
England to find Freddy.
- When, don't you mean if?
- Who is this dear Freddy?
- Oh, just someone I know.
(lighthearted music)
(Tombs grunting)
- Any luck?
- Solid rock, every inch of it.
- Damn it, there's
got to be a way out.
- You don't give up
easy, do ya, Colonel?
- I'm British.
- I wonder.
- What?
- Well, it's a silly
story in my family
that Great-Grandma
was (grunting)
terrified of being
buried alive (grunting).
- [Jane] I can imagine.
- But, being a clever
old bird (grunting),
the story goes (grunting)
she made arrangements
to have another way out of
her coffin, oh, for insurance.
Just in case.
It used to give us
nightmares thinking
that Great-Grandma might pop
out of the ground at any time.
Ooh!
- Are you alright?
- Jane, it's true!
Great-Grandma did have
another way out, come and see!
- Careful, Jane.
(volcano rumbling)
(volcano booming)
(uneasy music)
- Let's take it easy folks.
- Yes, one good cough and
the lot could come down.
(volcano rumbling)
(Fritz whining)
Must have gone for miles!
- Come on, let's keep moving.
(uneasy music)
(volcano rumbling)
(planks thumping)
- That's done it.
- Go, Colonel, get 'em out!
(dramatic music)
(Jack grunting)
I can't hold it much longer.
- Leap forward, Jack,
throw yourself clear.
- Okay, here goes!
(stone rumbling)
Run for your life!
Jane, get the dog, come on!
(group coughing)
- Never, never thought we'd
get out of there alive.
- Oh, fresh air and freedom.
(spears thumping)
(dramatic music)
(horse snorting)
- Are these your people.
- No, rather afraid they're not.
- Freddy?
Freddy!
(triumphant music)
- What the devil is going on?
- Freddy came all the
way back from England.
Love, Colonel, love.
- Oh, oh that.
- Why didn't you ask
that Freddy and his mob
to help us track down
them Nazis, Colonel?
- Because, Tombs, this is
an entirely British affair.
Aided, of course, by
our American ally.
(airplane engine rumbling)
- It's a plane!
(dramatic music)
- Aircraft is ready to
take off, Fraulein Pagola.
- Very well.
Go.
(groaning)
(fingers snapping)
(Heinrich hissing)
(Schell whimpering)
Once we are airborne, I
wish to speak to Berlin.
(airplane engine rumbling)
Farewell, Africa, your treasure
will be put to good use!
(airplane engine rumbling)
- I wonder just how much these
diamonds really are worth?
- A million billion
Deutschmarks, maybe more.
- Don't you get any
ideas, little man.
- Me?
No, no, I was only asking.
- I've just been on the radio.
I spoke to the Fuhrer himself.
- [All] Heil Hitler!
- [Pilot] Heil Hitler!
- Shut up and fly
the damn plane!
- What did our beloved
Fuhrer have to say, Lola?
- He, he was overcome with joy.
When I described
the diamonds to him,
how many there were,
he started to cry.
- Our Fuhrer cried?
- All great men cry.
I am to tell you that he has
awarded me two Iron Crosses,
which he will personally
present to me when I land.
And Field Marshal Goering
has ordered fighters
to escort me back to Germany.
Pour me schnapps, Carl.
Success is mine.
Oh yeah, I nearly forgot.
Each one of you will receive
a signed photograph
of the Fuhrer.
Prost!
- I don't think I
want to go to Germany.
- No, we've got to do something.
- And pretty damn fast,
time's running out.
- You know, there's only one
thing I'm unhappy about, Lola.
- What is that?
- I would dearly have
loved to have seen
the Colonel and Jane
die, slowly, slowly.
- Right, that does it!
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
- Are you gonna give in,
or am I gonna have
to thump you first?
- I surrender.
(fist thumping)
(Lola grunting)
- I warn you, Colonel, my
father was a policeman.
- Yes, and your mother?
- She's in the S.S.
- So you want to
play dirty, huh?
- Anyway you want it, Colonel.
- Well, this is
a trick I learned
on the playing fields of Eton.
- We Germans know all
about your English tricks!
- Really, how 'bout this one?
(knee thumping)
- The old knee in
the groin (groaning).
- Oh, well played, sir.
(grunting)
(Fitz growling)
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
- I'm wearing you down!
(fist thumping)
(Jack grunting)
(Fritz barking)
(dramatic music)
- Ah!
(Fritz growling)
Whoa!
- Good boy, Fritz.
(Fritz growling)
(pistol slide clicking)
- Get up, get back.
Hands up, all of you!
(pistol booming)
(pilot groaning)
Hands up!
- Get that dog away from me!
- Look at him (laughing)!
I don't believe it!
(Heinrich laughing)
- Carl, get down, you're
making a fool of yourself.
- Don't like little dogs.
(Fritz growling)
(Heinrich laughing)
- The elephant and the mouse!
Oh, look at your big
strong hero now, Lola.
(Heinrich laughing)
- Carl, do as I say!
- You don't understand!
Little dogs, they hate me!
(Heinrich laughing)
(Fritz growling)
- Little dogs, he's afraid
of the doodle poodle!
(door clicking)
(Heinrich screaming)
(airplane engine rumbling)
- What are you doing, dummkopf!
- He can't hear
you, on account of
you obviously just shot him.
(airplane engines whining)
- My God.
- Now I'm gonna get at her.
- No, Jane, no.
- Good advice, Colonel.
Anyone moves and they're dead!
- Lola, please, wait for me.
Shoot the dog!
- Shoot the dog?
(Fritz growling)
(fist thumping)
- Enough!
Now you're going to die,
you're all of you going to die!
(dramatic msuic)
- Help me, Lola!
Lola, help me!
(Lola screaming)
(Heinrich screaming)
- Another camp bed, Tombs?
- No, Colonel, I'm afraid
that was a parachute.
- Pity.
- Jack, where's Jack?
- Where to, folks
(triumphant music)
(pleasant piano musiC)
- Oh, Jack, do you have to go?
- Yeah, I'm afraid so.
That guy over there spent weeks
looking for me all over Africa.
- But right now?
- Jane, listen to me.
There's a lot of trouble
brewing in the Pacific,
and with my knowledge
of the jungle,
damn it, when Uncle Sam
calls you just gotta go.
- Come along, you two,
time to celebrate.
The diamonds are safely
on their way to England.
Mr. Churchill is
delighted, and to show
his gratitude he has
awarded us 36 hours leave.
- Oh no.
- Oh yes.
Well, that means that
you two young lovebirds--
(Tombs clearing throat)
Something wrong, Tombs?
- Your brandy and soda, sir.
- Ah, the rewards of the
just, what? (chuckling)
Did I say something to them?
- No sir, I just think they
wanted to be alone, sir.
- Ah.
Jolly nice tune you
were playing just then.
- I'll play it again, sir.
(pleasant piano music)
(pleasant music)
- Will we ever meet again, Jack?
- You're damn right.
No war's gonna keep us apart.
I'll be back.
(dramatic music)
(airplane engine rumbling)
- You've got to go.
Take care.
(Heinrich giggling)
(luggage thumping)
Remember me, Jack!
(dress ripping)
- Just the way you
are, sweetheart.
("Jane" by Vox Humana)
♪ Ooh, ooh, Jane,
unforgettable, Jane ♪
♪ You've got that fabulous
smile that money can't buy ♪
♪ Ooh, Jane, so kissable, Jane
♪ You make the whole
world worthwhile ♪
♪ With the wink of an eye
♪ Why, Jane, you
really are original ♪
♪ Jane, but you
are inspirational ♪
♪ Jane, Jane, Jane
♪ I know that since
I've seen you, Jane ♪
♪ I'm feeling 17 again
♪ Wonderful Jane
♪ Jane, you really
are original ♪
♪ Jane, but you've
been inspirational ♪
♪ Jane, Jane, Jane
♪ I know that since
I've seen you, Jane ♪
♪ I'm feeling 17 again
♪ Wonderful Jane