Jane White Is Sick & Twisted (2002) - full transcript
Jane White is the twisted romantic comedy of a girl who thinks that Gerry King, the most insane talk show host on TV, is her father. Jane tries to do anything and everything to be on his show, and meet her long lost dad.
- [Announcer] Warning: The
following scenes may be
unsuitable for children.
(happy cartoon music)
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ She only watches TV
♪ That's wants to see
♪ And when she's got her clicker
Jane's as happy as can be
♪ Her daddy left the family
♪ 15 years ago
♪ To become the famous
host his own talk show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ Janie watches faithfully
♪ The show she loves the best
♪ Especially when Gerry
tells how she can be a guest
♪ Jane tries any crazy thing
♪ To get on her dad's show
♪ An alien abductee,
a lesbian crack ho
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ There's Mom, she's agoraphobic
♪ That means she
never goes outside
♪ There's Burger,
he's just Burger
♪ And everyone wants
a taste of the Burger
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to
♪ She's the girl,
but mom won't let you
♪ She's the girl you
really oughta get to know
♪ Jane White! ♪
(applause)
- [Gerry] I think that most
animal lovers, and I am too,
would agree man's best friend
should stay his best friend,
and not be the bitch in
any kind of relationship.
(laughter)
This is Gerry King for
The Gerry Show saying
Be free...
- Something easy,
please, please, please.
- [Announcer] Next
week on The Gerry Show,
I'm a closet
transvestite prostitute.
If you are a closet
transvestite prostitute,
or if you know anyone who
is a closet transvestite
prostitute or if you ever
thought about becoming a
closet transvestite prostitute,
and it's ruined your life
or the lives of
others around you,
then please call The
Gerry Show today.
- Cool
(guitar music)
♪ Well when you look
around what do you see?
♪ Nothing but empty spaces, free
♪ Don't you know by
now what you want to be
- Jane White you look marvelous.
Marvelous.
(laughing)
♪ Let me tell ya now I think
♪ You are eternally lost
♪ You have listened to advice
but forgotten about the cost
♪ Do you need me so badly?
♪ Like a couple of rude dogs
♪ Well I gave you
everything I could
(brakes screeching)
♪ I took you out into the
world and I taught you how
- Excellent
♪ Showed you how the
flowers grew but you
(drums)
- Hey Des, you see
that new show on Fox?
Got the guy from Coach.
- Oh yeah.
- It's pretty good.
- [Des] Uh.
- Hey, I'm thinking
of getting a Pentium.
My Mac's on its last legs.
- Oh really.
- Yeah I want to
upgrade my web page,
more free samples.
- Yeah, you get less
cheapskates that way.
Hey! Incoming, incoming!
- (coughing) I gotta
give those things up.
- Excuse me, ladies.
I think we're a little lost.
- We're not lost!
We're not lost.
- Lost! Lost! Lost! Lost! Lost!
- We're looking
for the 54 freeway?
- [Little girl] Lost!
Lost! Lost! Lost! Lost!
- 54 freeway?
- Don't look at me, sugar.
But would your husband
like a blowjob instead?
- Blowjob! Blowjob!
Blowjob! Blowjob!
- That's very
sweet, he's employed
- [Dad] That's enough!
- Would you ask your
friend if she knows
where the 54 freeway is?
- Who?
- That one, standing
in the corner.
- Excuse me?
(tires screeching)
- Hey, paisan.
You see that sign over there?
You see that sign, right there.
What's it say?
It says Candy Street.
- Candy Street!
- What are you looking at?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
My name is Chi-Chi
and they work for me.
- Oh Chi-Chi got a new
g-g-g-g-g- girlfriend.
- Don't m-m-m-m-mess with me!
Dammit Des, you
keep messing with me
you will find your ass
working on a street corner
in Idaho,
Ho!
- [Des] You da ho!
- See that, they love
me, they messin' with me.
Look at that, messing
with me, that's all.
Let me ask you something?
What that street sign say?
- Um, Candy Street?
- Candy Street,
No, no no.
- Third Street I knew it.
- Hey, eh, eh.
That's Chi-Chi Street.
Okay, there's Chi-Chi block,
there's Chi-Chi Street,
in fact every block for
11 square miles belong
to Chi-Chi see, so if you
stand on Chi-Chi block,
you belong to Chi-Chi,
you Chi-Chi's,
you all mine, you
understand that?
- Um, I'm a closet
transvestite prostitute.
- Duh.
- Oh really?
You see that corner street
over there, right there?
Now that's going to
be your spot, okay?
We're going to call
that the G-spot.
- The G-spot!
- Honey, you a meat magnet!
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
You gonna be working
from 11 P.M. to 4 A.M.
and when you done, you go on
over to the Pop Tart Motel
on 5th Street, and you make
sure you see Simone, all right?
- [Des] Okay!
- {Chi-Chi] Now get
your ass on going.
Go on, get going!
- Go on, girl.
- Ta-ta Lolita.
- Bye-bye, bye-bye.
(pop music)
♪ One, two, three
♪ Yeah yeah, oh,
you're all right
♪ Looks good
♪ Yeah yeah
♪ Hey hey, you're beautiful
like a walk in the park
♪ I'll stay as
long as you like me
♪ I know I shouldn't be
here alone in the dark
(horn honking)
♪ Yeah yeah but
you're beautiful now
- Excuse me?
Ma'am excuse me?
(horn honking)
- What?
(horn stuck)
- Are you?
I said are you?
Are you?
(horn stops)
Ma'am, you and me?
You and me? You know?
- Okay, but I'm a closet
transvestite prostitute.
- Whatever.
My name's David
Romawi, I mean Barney!
Call me Barney.
(engine dying)
♪ How long will we last forever?
♪ Long as you love ♪
(laugh track)
- [Voiceover] I told
you I think I ate a bug
I think I'm going to be sick.
(laugh track)
- He said that?
Oh, hold on, they just arrived.
Yes, what can Simone
do for you two?
- I'd like a room please.
- Say again?
- I'd like a room please.
- Say one more time.
Ah, Simone trick you,
Simone play joke.
Ooo, you got the pretty one.
I tell you what I'm going to do,
I'm going to give
you my special room,
room 13 on the left.
Get off and you take good
care of her, Sasquatch man.
- Is this on a
non-smoking floor?
- Yes, yes, feel
free, go on, have fun.
Whew!
- Slap my ass!
Go on slap my ass!
Slap it!
Come on, slap my ass, slap it!
Okay, call me buttercup.
- Um, buttercup.
- Keep slapping, keep slapping,
slap, slap, slap, ooo
- Buttercup.
- [Jane] Buttercup
- This is so much fun!
Okay it's my turn, my turn.
Now, I'm not gay.
I don't like she-males.
I find you people so
gross and disgusting.
I get no comfort from
having a muscular,
sweaty she-male
throbbing next to me.
Oh my God.
My God!
You're, you're
- Jane.
- You're Jane.
I can't deal with a Jane.
Where's your, your, your thing?
I'm not gay.
You think I wanted to shove
that cucumber up my ass?
Did you think I wasn't
going to see it?
How did that work in your mind?
Did you think I
wasn't going to notice
you have a large
plant taped to your...
Oh my God, oh my.
I feel so violated.
- Mr. Barney
Did you ever have a dream?
A most sensational inspirational
celebrational dream?
- Excuse me?
- I just did this so
I could be with Gerry.
I didn't want you to
get all mad and stuff.
- I'm not mad, I'm just...
Crap, I don't know.
So, who's this Gerry
guy, is that your pimp?
- Pimp?
No, he's just the one
that told me to dress like
a closet transvestite
prostitute.
- Oh. So he's your pimp.
- No, he's my daddy.
- So what else does your
daddy pimp want you to do?
- He's made me
write love letters
to a serial killer in prison.
- Oh, which one?
- Folsom.
- No, which killer?
- Kenny Kingman.
- The Lollypop Killer,
oh, he's bad news.
So you're in love
with a serial killer?
- Nah, I mean he's
all right, but,
look, Mr. Barney, falling
in love it seemed so easy,
but none of the things dad
wants me to do are easy.
So I have a plan B.
- Shove that cucumber up my ass?
- No, I'm saving up.
I'm saving up so I can
see him in Chicago,
the land of wishes,
hopes and dreams.
And you know what?
I'm real, real, close.
- Look, maybe I should
head back to the wife.
you know it's late and,
it's just, kinda weird.
- Sorry.
- No, no, it's not you.
It's me.
You know, with the others
it was a lot easier.
You know it didn't
seem like cheating,
it was just something different,
but you, you're a Jane,
and we're in a motel room
and that's weird.
I am such a jerk.
I'm not gay.
Okay, maybe a little bit,
but like a pinky's
worth of gayness,
barely noticeable,
but I love my wife.
Maybe I should talk to her.
Maybe I should talk to her?
That's the ticket.
Maybe she'll understand.
Maybe I'll understand,
what I'm doing.
I am not going to
hurt my wife anymore!
Do you hear me?
I am not going to
hurt my wife anymore!
Can you give me a ride home?
Make a right.
No, not there!
Not there, here!
Turn left at the sign.
Yeah, and the third
house, 704 Hauser Street.
This is the start of
something beautiful,
I can smell it.
Thank you, Jane.
You've helped me put some
perspective back into my life.
I now know that I was
hurting the one that I love
in a profound and
meaningful way.
So how much do you need to
see your daddy in Chicago?
- Three dollars and 42 cents.
- Well, good luck.
Do you have change for a five?
Say hi to Gerry for me.
Your pimp sounds like
a really lucky guy.
- He's not my pimp.
Dear Kenny.
I'm glad you are well.
Please don't write to me again
cause Mr. Barney gave
me enough money to
go to Chicago to be with Daddy.
I don't need to fall in
love with you anymore.
So, um, thanks.
Besides, you're a serial killer.
Good luck with the lethal
injection and everything.
Love and kisses,
Jane White.
(singing) It's the
Jane White Show!
It's the Jane White Show.
It's the song the
Jane White Show
I'm gonna sing that
on the Jane White Show
Cause I'm Jane White
Jane White Jane White
On the Jane White Show!
(applause)
- Come on poopy pants, move it.
Oh, noodle nose, you
haven't been watching that
idiot box, have you?
Of course not.
Is that?
You're not wearing
eye liner are you?
No, I don't like it.
And do you know why?
- Because boys will get
aroused and get me drunk
- (together) at a bar and take
me home and play Barry White
and have sex with me.
(laugh track)
- And get you pregnant,
and then leave you,
alone, with a child.
And even if that child
is the most special thing
in the whole world,
it wouldn't matter.
Because every time
you look into her eyes
you will be reminded
of the abandonment.
And hate every day you're
alive because of the
feelings of resentment
and loneliness,
and you'll end up a
bitter old woman with
no friends at all except
the one person responsible
for the whole damn mess
in the first place.
Your child.
- [Audience] Ooo...
- Oh, oh (crying).
- Oh, sweetheart, sweetheart,
I was talking about you,
not me, you are the most
precious person in my life.
- [Audience] Aw!
- I love...
here.
- [Audience] (laughing)
- Our house is a very
very very strong house.
Now then, that's settled.
No makeup, men are
evil, children suck.
- [Audience] (laughing)
Honey, go take a shower,
you smell like cucumbers.
(applause)
(guitar music)
♪ Springer's on TV again
♪ Talking with the ku klux klan
♪ Got the clicker in my
hand I need to get a life
- Soon, Daddy,
we'll be together.
My dreams are my ticket out.
♪ I need to get a life
♪ Someone asked me, 10 years ago
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now?
♪ I said I didn't know
Yes! Yes! Yes!
♪ Now we're on to real
TV, videos of tragedies
♪ Caught on tape for all to see
♪ Those that need a life
- Hi.
- I believe hello is the
proper greeting, Burger.
- Hi.
- The groceries, Burger, now?
- Huh?
- Burger? The groceries, now!
- Huh?
- Burger!
- What? (beep) woman
gotta be (beep)
on my like that, ow!
- Watch your language!
- (beep) woman (beep) (beep)
- Do not use language
like that in my house!
- (beep) ma'am (beep) (beep)
Here, here, take 'em, take 'em!
Take the fucking groceries!
Hope there's some
tampons in there.
Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
♪ Bad boys bad boys,
whatcha going to do
♪ Now breathers get a clue
♪ You need to get a life
♪ Someone asked
to take this goal
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now
♪ I said I didn't know
♪ I need to get a life
♪ You can change the channel
♪ You can change a scene
♪ I tell myself this every day
♪ In front of my TV screen
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Well, bye Burger.
- You goin' somewhere?
- Yeah, Chicago.
- Really? What's in Chicago?
- My dad.
- Oh, right, right.
Hey, have you ever seen
your mom, you know?
- Excuse me?
- Have you seen her naked?
- Yeah.
- (laughing) That's cool.
All right cool, she is so hot,
I would love to just get my
fingers into some of that pie
dip it right in there.
Woo! That's some good pie!
You know what I mean,
just dip them right in.
I don't know what it
is, she's like mom sexy,
you know like super mom sexy,
You think maybe she'd want
to go out on a date with me?
Like maybe we could go to
the movies or something
or just go out, some stuff,
see something out there?
- She doesn't leave the house.
- Oh right, I should know that.
Um, well maybe she
could like make
me a sandwich or
something, you know,
we could watch some
TV, and make like a,
I really love bologna
and your mom, I'd love to
her hands wrapped around...
Hey! You know what?
Maybe then we could just
sit there and make
out for a while,
wouldn't that be cool?
I mean, the most pert bush
and hey, you know what?
If she and I got married
you'd be like our daughter.
Ha-ha. I could take you
to school and stuff,
and buy you school
supplies and teach you
how to do things,
that'd be cool.
Right, well, I'm gonna go make
out with your mom, so bye.
Ha haha. Stick my
fingers into that pie.
♪ To claim I have a life
♪ Someone asked me 10 years ago
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now?
♪ I said I didn't know
♪ Someone asked me 10 years ago
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now?
♪ Said I didn't know
♪ I need to get a life ♪
- Excuse me, sir?
Do I give you money
for a bus ticket?
I'm going to Chicago!
Do I give you money for a....
Excuse me, sir?
- Yes?
(magical music)
- spare quarter
- ticket Chicago
- Stop! You're making
fun of me, aren't you?
Yes you are, my
appearance disgusts you.
The very thought of me naked
makes you uncomfortable.
- Well, yes.
- Well
- Wait, I know you.
(dramatic music)
- Really?
How?
- I don't know.
- Then who am I?
- I don't know.
- But we know each other.
- I don't know.
- You don't know.
- Yes, this is what I'm saying,
but you look
- Nobody
- Somebody
- Not anybody.
- You look like him.
- Him?
- Him.
- Who?
- Him.
- Him?
- Him.
- What if I were?
- Were?
- Him.
- Are you?
- Am I?
- Him.
- Him?
- Him.
- I don't think so.
- Right. Sorry.
- Wait!
- Wait!
- Do you have a quarter?
- Can you get me a bus ticket?
- (together) Yes!
- Where are you going?
- Chicago. I'm going to see
Gerry on The Gerry Show.
- Wait, why do you
want a quarter?
- It's for Betsy.
She's sick.
- Sick?
- Well, she's dying really.
- Dying?
- She's on her last legs.
But this is really going
to help, thank you.
What's your name?
- Jane. Jane White.
And yours?
(waiting music)
- [TV] All of us at
WWN Worldwide News wish
Joyce DeWitt a speedy recovery.
In other news today,
authorities are saying
that Kenny Kingman, also
known as the Lollypop Killer,
has escaped from
Folsom State Prison.
Residents are warned
not to pick up any
hitchhikers nor talk
to any strangers within
a 200 mile radius.
We're going to be going
live now to Mel Holiday
who is at the scene, Mel?
Mel?
- [Jane] (echoing) Dear Kenny
Mr. Barney gave me
money to go to Chicago
to be with dad, and
kisses Jane White.
(buzzing)
Wake.
I know who you are.
- Are you free Saturday?
- You're Kenny Kingman,
the Lollypop Killer.
- Jane!
Jane, darling, I
knew I'd find you!
- Hey, get the
hell off my street.
Can't you read the sign?
This is my street.
Oh crap, this is
Chi-Chi's street.
- Isn't she a beaut?
- Who?
- Betsy. She's not
dying anymore, Jane.
You saved her!
It's just what the
doctor ordered.
- Do you have my
ticket to Chicago?
- Listen dollface, I'm just
looking for some kindness.
Someone to travel this
beautiful world with.
And a good hand job.
Okay and a beer.
Some kindness to the world,
a hand job and a beer.
What do you say we
give that guy the slip,
and go travel the world
together, getting hand jobs?
- Jane? When you gave
me that money I thought
it was for Betsy.
You didn't want
her to die did you?
- No, but where's my ticket?
- Okay, no beer, just
kindness to the world,
and a hand job.
Okay, no world, just a little
four-knuckle love shuffle,
and some kindness.
- Betsy will take you. Tonight!
Oh Jane, it'll be monumental.
Shh.. Ever since I first laid
eyes on you in the bus station
I knew that we were
meant to be together.
And now that I've got
you I'm not ever going
to let you go.
I'm going to handcuff
you to my heart,
and stab you repeatedly
with my love.
- Okay, just a hand job
and then I'm outta here.
Oh look, there's gum.
- Jane, let's start
something beautiful together.
- What time is it?
- Time?
My darling there's no concept...
- The time?
- 10:14?
- The Gerry Show starts at 11.
- Well I know the perfect
place to watch Gerry,
before we go see Gerry.
- Want some gum?
(guitar music)
♪ I'm throwing my
love against the wall
♪ I watch it slide as it falls
♪ And I think to myself,
what you do that for?
♪ I walk away I hear
sweet things that you say
♪ Then I turn around
and I come back for more
♪ I throw my love
against the wall ♪
- Wow!
- You know I've never
liked this place before.
Until now.
- Why?
- Because it's never looked
beautiful until tonight.
I never thought I
could fall this hard.
- I never thought I
could be this hard too.
(flies buzzing)
- Gotcha!
(squishing)
- You are so talented.
- Shut up, I am not talented.
You just make me feel that way.
- Um..
- Jane?
- The TV.
- What?
- Where's the TV?
- What TV?
- Wait!
- [Gerry] And his wife
is a full-time mom and a
part-time cashier at
the Hoggly Woggly Mart.
Tiffany, why don't you start
by telling me what happened.
- Gerry, my husband
thinks he's Jesus Christ.
(audience laughing)
- Burt?
- What?
- Are you the son of God?
- Yes sir, Gerry.
Swear to Dad.
I ain't a particularly
religious man,
at least I wasn't until
a couple month ago.
- Yeah 12 months
to the year, Gerry.
- Shut up, bitch,
I'm the son of God.
I'll smite you.
- You don't even
know what that means.
- Why you up in my face,
don't you know who I am?
- You see this, Gerry, we
haven't had sex in eight months.
- Yeah, that is because my
dick has been blessed by God.
I got Jesus dick, Gerry.
- Baby, you and me gotta
be the luckiest dreamers.
- Shh!
(audience applause)
- Wow, that's some remote.
- Yeah.
- [Gerry] Nancy is 29
years old, enjoys fine
French merlot and
candle wax massages.
She also says she is,
the daughter of God.
(audience laughing)
Now, Nancy, are you religious?
- Religious?
- Yes, do you pray, go
to church, et cetera?
- Well, Gerry, isn't
that a little redundant?
- This was indeed a special
night for all of us,
not just because we were
blessed with the son
and daughter of God, oh no.
But because we can now
take a deep breath, relax,
and know that everything
is going to be all right.
That no matter horrors
lie in our future...
(snoring)
This is Gerry King for
The Gerry Show saying,
be kind, be happy, be free.
(audience applause)
- [Announcer] Next on The
Gerry Show, how my alien
abduction gave my sex
life super powers.
If you've been abducted
by extra-terretrals,
and notice that your sexual
performance has improved
or your partner has been
abducted with similar results,
- Yes!
- [Announcer] then call us
at The Gerry Show today.
- Gee, I forgot the soap.
- This is the most greatest
thing in the whole world.
Better than Sweet Valley High.
Better than Saved by the Bell!
- Oh, that Screech is funny.
- If we find aliens and get
supernatural sex powers,
we could have it all!
There is no way Dad
won't see me now.
We could take home
the grand prize,
the final spin, three
joker's secret password,
final jeopardy.
So, let's do it.
- Right here? Right now?
Or in Chicago?
- No, in the desert.
(dramatic music)
- The desert?
- Yes! Doesn't it feel so right?
Doesn't it feel as fantastic
as a Christmas special
with Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer and the
Abominable Snowman?
What's the matter?
You're losing color.
- I'm fine.
I would travel to the ends of
the earth for you, my dear,
but you must tell
me, why the desert?
- Aliens love the desert.
- Aliens love swamp
gas and drunken
old fishermen and moonshine.
- No, silly.
The X-Files, Area 51,
Project Bluebook, Millennium,
3rd Rock from the Sun, duh!
That is where it'll happen!
That is where we'll get
abducted and get, you know,
those powers.
- Of course.
The desert.
Far away from people, no
phones, no human contact.
Alone.
Okay.
I will take you to the
desert and we will be
abducted by aliens if
that is what you wish.
- Then set a course
for adventure.
This is going to be the most
perfectest weekend of my life!
(zany music)
(yawning) Are we here?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
The desert.
(dramatic music)
- I gotta pee.
(ominous music)
- There.
Jane?
Jane?
Jane, where are you?
Oh my God, she's left me.
Oh my God what
have I done, Jane!
Jane!
- I'm over here.
See!
- Ah ah ah
- Ah ah ah
- Are you cold?
You're all white or something.
- Ah ah ah ah
- Did an alien get you already?
- Ah ah ah ah
- How's your sex drive?
- Don't you ever ever do
anything like that again Jane.
You promise me,
do you understand?
- Pee?
- You know exactly what
I'm talking about Jane.
You ignorant slut!
I'm, I'm sorry.
Could we maybe pretend
that that never happened?
- Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Dick?
- Thanks.
Let's prepare our
camp, sweetness.
(ominous music)
(echoing voices)
- [Dick] And now that I've got
you I'm not ever going to...
[News Anchor] Authorities are
saying that Kenny Kingman,
also known as the Lollypop
Killer, has escaped from
Folsom State Prison.
- [Mom] Men are evil, men
are evil, men are evil
- Stay back!
Back!
I know all about you.
You and your past.
What the heck was I thinking?
You were going to serial
kill the aliens, weren't you?
What in the world did
they ever do to you?
They're cute, and green,
and Gerry says they
can give us
supernatural sex powers.
Is that it? You don't
like green things?
- Jane, listen to me.
When I was very young, I
went camping with my father.
- So? When I was four I went
to the market with my mother.
- Shortly after 2:33 A.M.,
Father, having indigestion from
our nightly kill, you see, all
of us boys knew how to hunt.
Father, exited the safety
of our camp to excrete the
evening's fare.
The scream, Jane.
The scream.
Such pain and
horror and surprise.
I jumped up thinking
that it was a nightmare.
But I was awake.
And it was real.
I tried to get out of my
sleeping bag but I was caught
and confused.
Finally, through a clearing,
I saw it.
A mighty, 39-point buck
was humping my father.
With great speed and ferocity.
My father and I locked eyes,
him, unable to escape
the buck's embrace,
me, unable to help him.
It must have gotten him
when he bent over to...
The buck leaned its head back,
and it let loose
a lustful squeal
(squealing)
(thudding)
- I'm so sorry.
- Naturally, Jane, when
you said you wanted to
come into the desert, all of
this came flooding back to me.
And then, when you,
you know, when you
went number one over there,
I vowed that I would never again
experience that type
of horror, Jane.
I just want to protect you.
From everything.
Including aliens.
I'm so sorry, can
you forgive me?
- Is that what you
wanted to tell me?
That was very Party
of Five of you.
(upbeat music)
♪ I'm sleeping, and right in
the middle of a good dream
♪ And all at once I wake up
♪ To something that keeps
knocking at my brain
♪ Before I go insane I
put my pillow to my head
♪ And jump up in my bed
screaming out the words I dread
♪ I think I love you
♪ I think I love you
♪ Believe me, you really
don't have to worry
♪ I only want to make you happy
♪ And if you say
hey go away I will
♪ But I think better still I
better stay around and love you
♪ Do you think I have a case?
♪ Let me ask you to your face
♪ I think I love you
♪ Do you think you love me too?
♪ I think I love you
♪ So what am I so afraid of
♪ Afraid that I'm not sure of
♪ A love there is no cure for
♪ I think I love
love love love love
♪ La la la love you
♪ I think I love you
♪ I love you ♪
- Sometimes I used to
wish I was abducted.
- So that you could get
supernatural sex powers?
- No.
Just so I could get away.
To see other things
and other places.
I think that it would be
so neato to see everything
I see on TV.
But my mom says my TV's
made me too stupid to leave.
But one day I'll get
smart, I know it.
And then nothing will stop
me, I will see everything.
- But what about the aliens?
- Well, maybe it's okay if we
don't see the aliens tonight.
- But Jane it means
so much to you.
- I have you.
And Betsy can still
take us to Chicago.
- But darling if I don't
produce the aliens for you
then I've failed you.
However, if Gerry's next
topic is the most in-love
people in the entire
world, then surely we will
be his next guests,
because anyone else who
attempts to claim that
mantle will be a fraud.
- No, no the topic is, I'm
in love with a serial killer.
- Well, if you have killed
me a thousand times with
your loving heart then you
are truly that serial killer.
- No, you are.
- Then I am your serial killer.
- You don't have to sound
like a Hallmark card.
I know all about you.
And it's perfect!
You and me and Gerry,
it's all I ever wanted.
It's just us here in
the middle of nowhere,
alone, cut off from everyone
with a serial killer.
- What? Serial killer?
Where?
- Kenny? Kenny Kingman?
The Lollypop Killer,
you escaped.
Oh my God.
- Jane, Jane you're
talking in riddles,
honey, I don't understand.
- Who the heck are you?
- Believe it or
not it's just me.
Just Dick.
I'm Dick, Dick Smith.
I'm an econ major
at community college
and I world three nights a
week at Wally's Weiner World
to pay off my student loans.
Who's Kenny?
- Dick, who's Dick?
And what the heck did
you do to Kenny Kingman?
- I'm Dick, and nothing.
- Liar!
Just the facts, man.
You tried to look like
him, just to make me
fall in love with you
and bring me out to
this stupid desert.
- Jane, you are sounding insane.
We came out here into
the desert so we could
abducted by aliens and get
supernatural sex powers.
- Oh I found the
alien, it's you.
- Jane? Jane!
- Bite me, pig.
(guitar music)
- Jane! Jane!
Jane!
♪ Popular is as dumb says
♪ Do not seek and ye shall find
I'm sorry.
Jane! Jane!
It was you who seduced me, not
the other way around, Jane.
You fell in love
with me Jane, me!
Not some serial
killer, it was me!
Okay, do you want me to
kill this family, Jane?
Cause I'll do it.
Do you want me to
serial kill this family
to prove my love to you, Jane?
- I'm a bleeder.
- I'm not really going to
kill you, it's complicated.
- Jane!
(horn honking)
Jane!
Jane!
Jane!
Thank you.
Jane!
Jane, we can start over, Jane.
Okay, what if Gerry
had a topic and it was
women who thought they were
in love with a serial killer
but they're really in love
with a community college
economics major?
Then what, Jane?
- My dad would never
have a topic like that.
♪ Maybe
♪ Ah, maybe
♪ Yeah maybe the sun
will rise at midnight
♪ And maybe the moon
will fall in the sea
♪ And maybe the stars
will burn out like candles
♪ And maybe you'll
keep your promise to me
♪ I wasn't looking
for all your tomorrows
♪ And I well I
dreamed of eternity
♪ And I never asked for
your ring around my finger
♪ That was the
promise you gave to me
♪ I know
♪ Bye-bye my love
♪ Bye bye bye
♪ All right
♪ Now maybe ♪
(bell)
- Eating, sleeping,
reading, what?
What, hello, speak!
Speak! Speak!
- One please.
- Huh?
- One!
- Okay doll, you
sure about this?
This really isn't a
stay overnight kind
of place, you know,
maybe you try the hotel
down the block, okay?
Shoo fly, shoo.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
You don't have to
get pushy about it.
One.
I was just trying make
conversation, you know?
Wait a minute.
I know you.
You're from that TV show, huh?
Diagnosis Murder?
No, wait that's not it.
I know now.
Unsolved Mysteries, right?
You go round, and, never mind.
That will be 19.50 please.
Wait, I've got it now!
You're Chi-Chi's new
little pet aren't you?
Oh good, I'm going to
have so much fun with you
teach you little
makeup tips and get
your chi-chis and everything.
Go on, go ahead.
Dreaming of Mel
Gibson, you know.
(sad harmonica music)
♪ I'm down a little too low
♪ All around is just too high
♪ I know where to go out of
this creek bed that is dry
♪ Send me a ladder or
♪ Throw me a line
♪ Send me a ladder I can climb
♪ Yeah
♪ Spinning wheels aching
heart dust in the air
- WWN Worldwide News
wishes Suzanne Somers
a speedy recovery.
In other news today....
Thank you, excuse me
ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, I'm getting
this now, oh yes.
Unfortunately the worst
has been confirmed
just a minute ladies
and gentlemen.
Okay, approximately
four minutes ago
at the taping of his show
Gerry, host and international
star of The Gerry Show and
former mayor of Chicago,
was brutally and viciously
butchered on his live show
earlier today.
Luckily, we have it all on tape.
The topic, my daughter
is a Clover Scout Nazi.
Re-roll the tape,
re-roll that now.
Let's see that again, but
can you slow it down a bit?
I believe we can see the
moment just when Gerry loses
all consciousness
and hope of living.
Can we see that on camera two?
There. Now can you shuttle
frame that last image?
And zoom it. Yes, good.
Now there, you see it?
You know just frame by frame
until we get to the last image
in one more moment,
yes, there it is,
there is where is life it
gone, that is the moment
where he is no
more, right there.
Could we roll that back at all?
We can? Good.
Wait a minute, we're
going to roll the tape?
- Daddy (crying)
- [TV] Ah-huh.
Oh, look at that,
that is a moment.
Tough luck.
- Daddy! (crying)
(dramatic music)
- Damn you Clover
Scouts of America.
(pop music)
Left.
Right.
No, there.
Right here.
- So how was Chicago?
- He was my dad, you know?
- Who?
- Gerry.
- Oh, the pimp.
- And now he's dead.
Dead because of
that stupid idiot
midget Clover Scout.
Why Mr. Barney?
Why did she have to kill him?
- Maybe the other pimp
wanted his bitches.
- You think?
You think maybe it
was Sally or Oprah?
- Sure.
Oprah. That name
sounds pretty evil.
- That bitch.
I think I'm going to throw up.
- Oh, roll down the...
Window.
- Sorry.
(pop music)
- Counseling.
- Huh?
- My wife and I we're
in counseling now.
- Is it helping?
- Yeah, it's pretty good.
Look, I'm sorry your pimp died.
- He wasn't my pimp.
He was my father.
- Man, that's twisted.
(pop music)
- He touched you
didn't he? Didn't he?
- The aliens?
- What? What aliens?
- No aliens, we didn't see any.
- See any what?
- Aliens.
- There were Mexicans with you?
- He's not Mexican.
- Who, the alien?
- No, Dick.
- Dick, the Mexican?
- No, Dick the dick,
he's just Dick.
He's not Dick the Mexican
or Dick the Alien,
or Dick the serial killer.
- Look, honey, I don't
care if he's Mexican,
that's not the point.
- He could be Mexican
but I don't think so.
Mom I'm really tired.
- Did Dick the Mexican,
or the Alien, rape you?
- Mom!
Dick the dick and I
didn't vo-di-oh-do.
What about you and Burger?
- What?
Don't be stupid.
And don't try to
change the subject.
- I got to Mrs. White.
Hey, Janie, how you doing?
- [Jane] Hi Burger.
- Burger, so did you get
that order for tomorrow?
You know the brushes
and the things?
- No, uh-huh, you want me to
pick up some brushes for ya?
- Okay then, goodnight, Burger.
- Whatever.
(dramatic music)
- Goodnight, Burger.
Don't forget those
brushes and the things.
Yeah, oh yeah I'm going to
bring a brush back later
and dip it in some
more of that pie.
Everyone wants a
taste of the Burger.
Nighty-night Janie.
- Where were we? Oh
yes, the Mexican.
- I tried Mom, I tried
ever since I saw Dad on TV.
- What? What are
you talking about?
Your father's never been on TV.
- Now who's stupid?
- Your father sold
TVs for a living,
but he was never on TV.
Don't you remember your father?
- My father was going to
have me on his show right
after I fell in love with a
serial killer, and he was going
to take me away from you
and this stupid house
and this stupid city
and this stupid life!
- Your father is Mel
Martin Benjamin White.
And he sold televisions at
BBW Appliance at Oak Park....
- No! Stop it! He left
us when I was eight to
be the mayor of Chicago
and to start his TV show.
- Is this what television
has done to you?
Booger butt!
(dramatic music)
- Where's my door?
Where's my window?
Mom?
Mom?
- Your boob tube's
in my room, I...
- My shows?
- So I'm the bad person here?
The freak?
I'm the terrible parent?
- What do you want? Who are you?
- I'm your mother.
I am not some god
damn television show.
That box doesn't need you.
I need you.
That tube can't
give you what I can.
- You're wrong.
That box gives me my freedom.
It takes me out of here.
It takes me to Green
Acres and to Central Perk,
it takes me sailing across
the galaxy on Voyager,
and plants me on a barstool
where everybody knows my name.
I can buy shoes from Al
Bundy, it lets me take a trip
on Road Rules.
On my TV I can roam the
sewers with real monsters,
my doctor is Mark Greene and I
live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane
where the kisses are
hers and hers and his,
and I have friends too, Mom.
Frasier and Sigmund and
Homer and Tutti and Elly May
and Mr. Rogers and
Samantha and Horshack and
Roscoe P. Coltrane.
- I thought I was your friend.
- You took away my door.
- You tried to run
away with a Mexican.
- So?
You take away my TV?
You take away my tapes?
You call yourself my friend?
(saxophone music)
(piano music)
Daddy?
It's me, Jane White.
I never made it to your show.
I missed it by that much.
But I tried.
Is that okay?
I don't know, just,
why did you always have
to pick such a hard topic?
Why couldn't you do
something simple?
Something about my life?
I'm not a lesbian
grandmother and I'm not
sleeping with my
best friend's father.
- Jane! Jane!
(dramatic music)
- Dick?
Dick?
Dick?
- Jane!
Jane!
- Dick?
Dick?
(screaming)
- You remembered my name!
- Dick, what is this?
- This is a gift,
for you my darling.
(screaming)
If it is a serial
killer you want,
then a serial killer I shall be.
We will be on The
Gerry Show, you and I.
(screaming)
I love you Jane White,
with all my heart and soul.
But my petal, whatever is wrong?
- Dick, Gerry's dead.
The show's over.
- Oh.
(moaning)
That sucks.
- It sucks so much.
I miss him Dick,
I want him back.
It is so not fair.
- [Mom] Pumpkin? Darling?
- Um, Dick, I've got to go.
- Wait!
(crunching)
(screaming and moaning)
- What?
- Jane, if you can wait
for a few life sentences,
I promise you I will
always be there for you.
For us.
Forever.
- Oh, silly Dicky wicky.
What's a few life sentences?
I bet we've been together
for a million years,
and I bet we'll be together
for a million more.
(romantic music)
- (mumbling) No,
turn your head, okay
- Ah!
- You are frappalicious, Jane.
Now go, I don't want
you to see this.
- You'll be okay?
- I'll be fine.
The only thing that can
hurt me now is a meteor.
Or the plague.
- I love you Dick Smith.
Always, I will be with you
every step of the trial
on Court TV.
(crunching)
- Ow!
- Is that Mr. Peterson
you're standing on there?
Damn.
He must workout.
- Jane?
- Come on.
(piano music)
(glass shattering)
Daddy?
♪ D is for donut, D is for
donut, dunk it in your milk, D!
♪ E is for elephant,
E is for Elephant
- [Mom] Honey, I wish
you'd take those TVs back
to the appliance store.
♪ E is for elephant,
E is for elephant
(glass crashing)
♪ F is for fireman,
F is for fireman
- [Gerry] Stay right there,
I have a surprise for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, he
was convicted for 13 counts
of first degree murder, 50
counts of child molestation,
has over 65 felony arrests
and last month just...
- Daddy?
Mommy?
Mom?
- Hello, Jane.
- Burger?
(dramatic music)
You're not Burger.
- Do you know who I am?
- You're Kenny Kingman,
the Lollipop Killer.
Um, Beau Bridges played you
in the movie of the week.
- Yes.
Yes, he did.
- You want some milk?
It does a body good.
- No.
- You want to watch television?
It's must see TV.
- No.
You know what I want.
- Another lollypop?
- You write good letters,
and you have really
pretty boobies.
(dramatic music)
Ow!
- Oh my God, you
killed Mr. Kingman!
You bastard!
I guess TV can save lives too.
- It sure can.
- Oh Dick you're so silly.
- Am not!
- Are too!
- Am not!
- Are too!
- Are not!
Infinity not!
- Pretending to kill
my neighbors when
really it was the serial
killer Kenny Kingman.
- Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. Yeah.
- Why didn't you just
tell me you didn't do it?
I would still love you.
- Well, you see Jane...
Jane!
Ooo, you thought he was me?
Jane, he doesn't look
anything like me,
that guy weighs close
to like 300 pounds.
Jane, he's like 60 years old!
- Dick, sorry. They were using
old pictures on the computer.
- He's a whale, Jane!
That guy didn't kill
his victims, he must
have ate them all.
Is that how you see me,
Jane? Is that how you see me?
Tell me the truth.
- Well, you do look a
little like Beau Bridges.
- Beau Bridges? Ooo!
Jeff Bridges is the
cute one, Jane. Geez!
- [Mom] Sweetheart? Honey?
Did you see?
Did you see me? I went outside!
I saw my car and our mailbox,
and a bunch of people
lying in the street.
- I know, I know.
Life is a ball again,
laughter is calling for you.
- I love you, Booger Butt.
- I love you too, Mom.
Oh, Mom. I want you
to meet Dick Smith.
- You're the Mexican.
(dramatic music)
- Mexican?
Oh great, now I'm Mexican.
First I'm Shamu,
and now I'm Mexican.
- What do you want here?
- Well, I..
- We're in love.
I know that I'm not smart
enough to leave you,
but Dick is.
- What do you mean?
But?
- We are going to see the world,
and be the masters
of our domain.
- We are?
- Yes, and we're going to
meet interesting people
and boldly go where no
man has gone before.
- What about me?
- Mom, you have Burger.
- It's not the same.
- I know, you can
have sex with him.
Mom, it's been too long.
Dad died a long time
ago, you should be free
and happy and have fun.
- Like you, Jane White.
- Like me.
Come on, Dick.
- Jane, wait!
Where do you want to go today?
- I don't know, how
about Sesame Street?
- Oh that's great, that's great.
I always wanted
to meet Big Bird.
Oh, or Twin Peaks,
that place is so scary.
- I have an uncle in St. Olaf.
- [Dick] How about
the Twilight Zone?
Ooo, or we could go
to the Outer Limits.
Or Springfield, nobody really
knows how to get there,
but I know we'll find a way.
- Okay
- [Dick] It's going
to be so cool.
♪ She only watches TV
♪ That's all she wants to see
♪ When she's got her clicker
♪ She's happy as can be
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ Hey as the world turns
♪ She takes a quantum leap
♪ Having good
times on road rules
♪ from Springfield to Twin Peaks
♪ Whoa! It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really oughta get to know
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ So start your story
♪ A great series end
♪ Now it's time for the spin-off
♪ With Jane and her new friend
(laughing)
♪ Hey what's on TV Jane?
♪ 500 wonderful TV sitcoms
♪ Like Everybody Loves Raymond
♪ Hey where you going now Jane?
♪ Here comes Gilligan
he wants to kiss you
♪ Jane White
♪ Gilligan's sniffin a tree
♪ Jane White
♪ Yeah Jane White ♪
- Network executives
are scrambling to find a
suitable replacement for
the time slot once occupied
by the now deceased
and never to awaken
host of The Gerry Show.
Until a new replacement
can be found,
episodes of Manimal will be
airing in all time zones.
As you may recall, he's
part animal, he's part man,
he's Manimal.
- Okay we have a
question here, yes,
you sir, what is your name?
- Hi, I'm Terry.
When did you know you
were Jesus Christ?
- Ever since I was
able to walk on water.
- Would it make you feel
better if we had sex?
- Jane you realize I
can't allow aliens to take
you away from me?
For if I were to sit
idly by and allow your
abduction to occur my
heart would be empty
and my soul would
mourn for all eternity.
- Silly, they'll
take both of us.
- The tribe has spoken.
Hey isn't that a UFO?
- Well according to this
we were supposed to hit
the 54 freeway two inches ago.
- Over there, you
stay over there.
- But Jane I have the knife.
- Well, I said put it down.
- People are basically
narrow-minded bigots,
and jerk wads.
- I sure love this neighborhood.
A lot of fine people.
All lying in the road.
- Who could that be?
Maybe it's some of your
friends from school (laughing).
That's a joke!
You don't have any
friends except me.
- All of us at WWN Worldwide
News wish Richard Kline
a speedy recovery.
- Okay, now let me tell
you something, okay.
Anybody come up to you,
any john come up to you
and want to talk to you
about religious, or groups
or seniors or kids discounts,
you send them on to me, okay?
Anybody give you
crap, you with me.
Anybody want to claim
you, you be with me.
You got that?
- Somebody get off their
lazy ass and help me!
Or at least bring me a beer.
- [Burger] Hi.
- Oh there's a serial killer
stuck in your bedroom floor.
Beau Bridges played you
in the movie of the week.
- Yes. Yes he did.
Though I thought his
portrayal of my angst against
society was a
little melodramatic.
- How dare you speak
to me that way?
I was just trying
to protect you.
- From who? Door people?
Window people?
- What are you
staring at, bitch?
- [Audience] Ooo!
- Do you know where
the 54 freeway is?
- Yeah, it's up my ass!
- [Little girl]
Ass ass ass ass ass
Now get the hell out of here.
- What do you say you tell
me what two times four is?
- 34,302.
- Is that your final answer?
- 94?
- 68?
- Eight?
- 32?
- Hey, you just got it!
Two times four is eight!
- Really?
Math is easy!
- [Director] And action.
- Serial killer?
Where?
- [Jane] Here.
- Here here?
Where here? You there?
- [Jane] No, you
there here, there.
- Me here?
Sorry, my braces.
- [Director] Cut.
- It's the Jane White Show,
this is the song to
the Jane White Show.
There's some dog poop
and a used condom
on the Jane White Show.
And who's singing the song
to the Jane White Show.
Jane White, Jane
White, Jane White.
On the Jane White Show!
That's a big bump.
- Lost lost lost
lost lost lost lost
- [Director] Ass ass
ass ass ass ass, okay?
- Should I do the
line after that?
- [Director] Oh
what's the next one?
- Blowjob.
- Apple take one.
- You gotta wait for them,
for camera to say "mark."
And action!
- Man, I don't know
what we're doing.
- Say Hi to Gerry for me.
Your pimp sounds like
a really lucky guy.
- He's not my pimp.
He's my dad.
- I just locked the door.
- Jane?
- I love you.
- I love you.
- [Director] Cut!
- Well Betsy will drive
you, it'll be magnificent.
That's not the
right thing to say,
I don't know what
the fuck I'm doing.
- [Director] Cut!
- Also the fight was pinpointed
to the foreman of the
Prendergrast Tool
and Dye Company
and Mr. Archibald
Helmenskin Buck-hilton.
Tellman he was
there in the thing.
- [Announcer] Due to a clerical
error, this movie was filmed
in front of a dead
studio audience.
This is Gary Owens for Jane
White is Sick and Twisted
saying goodnight.
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ Jane White ♪
following scenes may be
unsuitable for children.
(happy cartoon music)
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ She only watches TV
♪ That's wants to see
♪ And when she's got her clicker
Jane's as happy as can be
♪ Her daddy left the family
♪ 15 years ago
♪ To become the famous
host his own talk show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ Janie watches faithfully
♪ The show she loves the best
♪ Especially when Gerry
tells how she can be a guest
♪ Jane tries any crazy thing
♪ To get on her dad's show
♪ An alien abductee,
a lesbian crack ho
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ There's Mom, she's agoraphobic
♪ That means she
never goes outside
♪ There's Burger,
he's just Burger
♪ And everyone wants
a taste of the Burger
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to
♪ She's the girl,
but mom won't let you
♪ She's the girl you
really oughta get to know
♪ Jane White! ♪
(applause)
- [Gerry] I think that most
animal lovers, and I am too,
would agree man's best friend
should stay his best friend,
and not be the bitch in
any kind of relationship.
(laughter)
This is Gerry King for
The Gerry Show saying
Be free...
- Something easy,
please, please, please.
- [Announcer] Next
week on The Gerry Show,
I'm a closet
transvestite prostitute.
If you are a closet
transvestite prostitute,
or if you know anyone who
is a closet transvestite
prostitute or if you ever
thought about becoming a
closet transvestite prostitute,
and it's ruined your life
or the lives of
others around you,
then please call The
Gerry Show today.
- Cool
(guitar music)
♪ Well when you look
around what do you see?
♪ Nothing but empty spaces, free
♪ Don't you know by
now what you want to be
- Jane White you look marvelous.
Marvelous.
(laughing)
♪ Let me tell ya now I think
♪ You are eternally lost
♪ You have listened to advice
but forgotten about the cost
♪ Do you need me so badly?
♪ Like a couple of rude dogs
♪ Well I gave you
everything I could
(brakes screeching)
♪ I took you out into the
world and I taught you how
- Excellent
♪ Showed you how the
flowers grew but you
(drums)
- Hey Des, you see
that new show on Fox?
Got the guy from Coach.
- Oh yeah.
- It's pretty good.
- [Des] Uh.
- Hey, I'm thinking
of getting a Pentium.
My Mac's on its last legs.
- Oh really.
- Yeah I want to
upgrade my web page,
more free samples.
- Yeah, you get less
cheapskates that way.
Hey! Incoming, incoming!
- (coughing) I gotta
give those things up.
- Excuse me, ladies.
I think we're a little lost.
- We're not lost!
We're not lost.
- Lost! Lost! Lost! Lost! Lost!
- We're looking
for the 54 freeway?
- [Little girl] Lost!
Lost! Lost! Lost! Lost!
- 54 freeway?
- Don't look at me, sugar.
But would your husband
like a blowjob instead?
- Blowjob! Blowjob!
Blowjob! Blowjob!
- That's very
sweet, he's employed
- [Dad] That's enough!
- Would you ask your
friend if she knows
where the 54 freeway is?
- Who?
- That one, standing
in the corner.
- Excuse me?
(tires screeching)
- Hey, paisan.
You see that sign over there?
You see that sign, right there.
What's it say?
It says Candy Street.
- Candy Street!
- What are you looking at?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
My name is Chi-Chi
and they work for me.
- Oh Chi-Chi got a new
g-g-g-g-g- girlfriend.
- Don't m-m-m-m-mess with me!
Dammit Des, you
keep messing with me
you will find your ass
working on a street corner
in Idaho,
Ho!
- [Des] You da ho!
- See that, they love
me, they messin' with me.
Look at that, messing
with me, that's all.
Let me ask you something?
What that street sign say?
- Um, Candy Street?
- Candy Street,
No, no no.
- Third Street I knew it.
- Hey, eh, eh.
That's Chi-Chi Street.
Okay, there's Chi-Chi block,
there's Chi-Chi Street,
in fact every block for
11 square miles belong
to Chi-Chi see, so if you
stand on Chi-Chi block,
you belong to Chi-Chi,
you Chi-Chi's,
you all mine, you
understand that?
- Um, I'm a closet
transvestite prostitute.
- Duh.
- Oh really?
You see that corner street
over there, right there?
Now that's going to
be your spot, okay?
We're going to call
that the G-spot.
- The G-spot!
- Honey, you a meat magnet!
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
You gonna be working
from 11 P.M. to 4 A.M.
and when you done, you go on
over to the Pop Tart Motel
on 5th Street, and you make
sure you see Simone, all right?
- [Des] Okay!
- {Chi-Chi] Now get
your ass on going.
Go on, get going!
- Go on, girl.
- Ta-ta Lolita.
- Bye-bye, bye-bye.
(pop music)
♪ One, two, three
♪ Yeah yeah, oh,
you're all right
♪ Looks good
♪ Yeah yeah
♪ Hey hey, you're beautiful
like a walk in the park
♪ I'll stay as
long as you like me
♪ I know I shouldn't be
here alone in the dark
(horn honking)
♪ Yeah yeah but
you're beautiful now
- Excuse me?
Ma'am excuse me?
(horn honking)
- What?
(horn stuck)
- Are you?
I said are you?
Are you?
(horn stops)
Ma'am, you and me?
You and me? You know?
- Okay, but I'm a closet
transvestite prostitute.
- Whatever.
My name's David
Romawi, I mean Barney!
Call me Barney.
(engine dying)
♪ How long will we last forever?
♪ Long as you love ♪
(laugh track)
- [Voiceover] I told
you I think I ate a bug
I think I'm going to be sick.
(laugh track)
- He said that?
Oh, hold on, they just arrived.
Yes, what can Simone
do for you two?
- I'd like a room please.
- Say again?
- I'd like a room please.
- Say one more time.
Ah, Simone trick you,
Simone play joke.
Ooo, you got the pretty one.
I tell you what I'm going to do,
I'm going to give
you my special room,
room 13 on the left.
Get off and you take good
care of her, Sasquatch man.
- Is this on a
non-smoking floor?
- Yes, yes, feel
free, go on, have fun.
Whew!
- Slap my ass!
Go on slap my ass!
Slap it!
Come on, slap my ass, slap it!
Okay, call me buttercup.
- Um, buttercup.
- Keep slapping, keep slapping,
slap, slap, slap, ooo
- Buttercup.
- [Jane] Buttercup
- This is so much fun!
Okay it's my turn, my turn.
Now, I'm not gay.
I don't like she-males.
I find you people so
gross and disgusting.
I get no comfort from
having a muscular,
sweaty she-male
throbbing next to me.
Oh my God.
My God!
You're, you're
- Jane.
- You're Jane.
I can't deal with a Jane.
Where's your, your, your thing?
I'm not gay.
You think I wanted to shove
that cucumber up my ass?
Did you think I wasn't
going to see it?
How did that work in your mind?
Did you think I
wasn't going to notice
you have a large
plant taped to your...
Oh my God, oh my.
I feel so violated.
- Mr. Barney
Did you ever have a dream?
A most sensational inspirational
celebrational dream?
- Excuse me?
- I just did this so
I could be with Gerry.
I didn't want you to
get all mad and stuff.
- I'm not mad, I'm just...
Crap, I don't know.
So, who's this Gerry
guy, is that your pimp?
- Pimp?
No, he's just the one
that told me to dress like
a closet transvestite
prostitute.
- Oh. So he's your pimp.
- No, he's my daddy.
- So what else does your
daddy pimp want you to do?
- He's made me
write love letters
to a serial killer in prison.
- Oh, which one?
- Folsom.
- No, which killer?
- Kenny Kingman.
- The Lollypop Killer,
oh, he's bad news.
So you're in love
with a serial killer?
- Nah, I mean he's
all right, but,
look, Mr. Barney, falling
in love it seemed so easy,
but none of the things dad
wants me to do are easy.
So I have a plan B.
- Shove that cucumber up my ass?
- No, I'm saving up.
I'm saving up so I can
see him in Chicago,
the land of wishes,
hopes and dreams.
And you know what?
I'm real, real, close.
- Look, maybe I should
head back to the wife.
you know it's late and,
it's just, kinda weird.
- Sorry.
- No, no, it's not you.
It's me.
You know, with the others
it was a lot easier.
You know it didn't
seem like cheating,
it was just something different,
but you, you're a Jane,
and we're in a motel room
and that's weird.
I am such a jerk.
I'm not gay.
Okay, maybe a little bit,
but like a pinky's
worth of gayness,
barely noticeable,
but I love my wife.
Maybe I should talk to her.
Maybe I should talk to her?
That's the ticket.
Maybe she'll understand.
Maybe I'll understand,
what I'm doing.
I am not going to
hurt my wife anymore!
Do you hear me?
I am not going to
hurt my wife anymore!
Can you give me a ride home?
Make a right.
No, not there!
Not there, here!
Turn left at the sign.
Yeah, and the third
house, 704 Hauser Street.
This is the start of
something beautiful,
I can smell it.
Thank you, Jane.
You've helped me put some
perspective back into my life.
I now know that I was
hurting the one that I love
in a profound and
meaningful way.
So how much do you need to
see your daddy in Chicago?
- Three dollars and 42 cents.
- Well, good luck.
Do you have change for a five?
Say hi to Gerry for me.
Your pimp sounds like
a really lucky guy.
- He's not my pimp.
Dear Kenny.
I'm glad you are well.
Please don't write to me again
cause Mr. Barney gave
me enough money to
go to Chicago to be with Daddy.
I don't need to fall in
love with you anymore.
So, um, thanks.
Besides, you're a serial killer.
Good luck with the lethal
injection and everything.
Love and kisses,
Jane White.
(singing) It's the
Jane White Show!
It's the Jane White Show.
It's the song the
Jane White Show
I'm gonna sing that
on the Jane White Show
Cause I'm Jane White
Jane White Jane White
On the Jane White Show!
(applause)
- Come on poopy pants, move it.
Oh, noodle nose, you
haven't been watching that
idiot box, have you?
Of course not.
Is that?
You're not wearing
eye liner are you?
No, I don't like it.
And do you know why?
- Because boys will get
aroused and get me drunk
- (together) at a bar and take
me home and play Barry White
and have sex with me.
(laugh track)
- And get you pregnant,
and then leave you,
alone, with a child.
And even if that child
is the most special thing
in the whole world,
it wouldn't matter.
Because every time
you look into her eyes
you will be reminded
of the abandonment.
And hate every day you're
alive because of the
feelings of resentment
and loneliness,
and you'll end up a
bitter old woman with
no friends at all except
the one person responsible
for the whole damn mess
in the first place.
Your child.
- [Audience] Ooo...
- Oh, oh (crying).
- Oh, sweetheart, sweetheart,
I was talking about you,
not me, you are the most
precious person in my life.
- [Audience] Aw!
- I love...
here.
- [Audience] (laughing)
- Our house is a very
very very strong house.
Now then, that's settled.
No makeup, men are
evil, children suck.
- [Audience] (laughing)
Honey, go take a shower,
you smell like cucumbers.
(applause)
(guitar music)
♪ Springer's on TV again
♪ Talking with the ku klux klan
♪ Got the clicker in my
hand I need to get a life
- Soon, Daddy,
we'll be together.
My dreams are my ticket out.
♪ I need to get a life
♪ Someone asked me, 10 years ago
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now?
♪ I said I didn't know
Yes! Yes! Yes!
♪ Now we're on to real
TV, videos of tragedies
♪ Caught on tape for all to see
♪ Those that need a life
- Hi.
- I believe hello is the
proper greeting, Burger.
- Hi.
- The groceries, Burger, now?
- Huh?
- Burger? The groceries, now!
- Huh?
- Burger!
- What? (beep) woman
gotta be (beep)
on my like that, ow!
- Watch your language!
- (beep) woman (beep) (beep)
- Do not use language
like that in my house!
- (beep) ma'am (beep) (beep)
Here, here, take 'em, take 'em!
Take the fucking groceries!
Hope there's some
tampons in there.
Hi.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
♪ Bad boys bad boys,
whatcha going to do
♪ Now breathers get a clue
♪ You need to get a life
♪ Someone asked
to take this goal
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now
♪ I said I didn't know
♪ I need to get a life
♪ You can change the channel
♪ You can change a scene
♪ I tell myself this every day
♪ In front of my TV screen
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah
Well, bye Burger.
- You goin' somewhere?
- Yeah, Chicago.
- Really? What's in Chicago?
- My dad.
- Oh, right, right.
Hey, have you ever seen
your mom, you know?
- Excuse me?
- Have you seen her naked?
- Yeah.
- (laughing) That's cool.
All right cool, she is so hot,
I would love to just get my
fingers into some of that pie
dip it right in there.
Woo! That's some good pie!
You know what I mean,
just dip them right in.
I don't know what it
is, she's like mom sexy,
you know like super mom sexy,
You think maybe she'd want
to go out on a date with me?
Like maybe we could go to
the movies or something
or just go out, some stuff,
see something out there?
- She doesn't leave the house.
- Oh right, I should know that.
Um, well maybe she
could like make
me a sandwich or
something, you know,
we could watch some
TV, and make like a,
I really love bologna
and your mom, I'd love to
her hands wrapped around...
Hey! You know what?
Maybe then we could just
sit there and make
out for a while,
wouldn't that be cool?
I mean, the most pert bush
and hey, you know what?
If she and I got married
you'd be like our daughter.
Ha-ha. I could take you
to school and stuff,
and buy you school
supplies and teach you
how to do things,
that'd be cool.
Right, well, I'm gonna go make
out with your mom, so bye.
Ha haha. Stick my
fingers into that pie.
♪ To claim I have a life
♪ Someone asked me 10 years ago
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now?
♪ I said I didn't know
♪ Someone asked me 10 years ago
♪ Where will you be
10 years from now?
♪ Said I didn't know
♪ I need to get a life ♪
- Excuse me, sir?
Do I give you money
for a bus ticket?
I'm going to Chicago!
Do I give you money for a....
Excuse me, sir?
- Yes?
(magical music)
- spare quarter
- ticket Chicago
- Stop! You're making
fun of me, aren't you?
Yes you are, my
appearance disgusts you.
The very thought of me naked
makes you uncomfortable.
- Well, yes.
- Well
- Wait, I know you.
(dramatic music)
- Really?
How?
- I don't know.
- Then who am I?
- I don't know.
- But we know each other.
- I don't know.
- You don't know.
- Yes, this is what I'm saying,
but you look
- Nobody
- Somebody
- Not anybody.
- You look like him.
- Him?
- Him.
- Who?
- Him.
- Him?
- Him.
- What if I were?
- Were?
- Him.
- Are you?
- Am I?
- Him.
- Him?
- Him.
- I don't think so.
- Right. Sorry.
- Wait!
- Wait!
- Do you have a quarter?
- Can you get me a bus ticket?
- (together) Yes!
- Where are you going?
- Chicago. I'm going to see
Gerry on The Gerry Show.
- Wait, why do you
want a quarter?
- It's for Betsy.
She's sick.
- Sick?
- Well, she's dying really.
- Dying?
- She's on her last legs.
But this is really going
to help, thank you.
What's your name?
- Jane. Jane White.
And yours?
(waiting music)
- [TV] All of us at
WWN Worldwide News wish
Joyce DeWitt a speedy recovery.
In other news today,
authorities are saying
that Kenny Kingman, also
known as the Lollypop Killer,
has escaped from
Folsom State Prison.
Residents are warned
not to pick up any
hitchhikers nor talk
to any strangers within
a 200 mile radius.
We're going to be going
live now to Mel Holiday
who is at the scene, Mel?
Mel?
- [Jane] (echoing) Dear Kenny
Mr. Barney gave me
money to go to Chicago
to be with dad, and
kisses Jane White.
(buzzing)
Wake.
I know who you are.
- Are you free Saturday?
- You're Kenny Kingman,
the Lollypop Killer.
- Jane!
Jane, darling, I
knew I'd find you!
- Hey, get the
hell off my street.
Can't you read the sign?
This is my street.
Oh crap, this is
Chi-Chi's street.
- Isn't she a beaut?
- Who?
- Betsy. She's not
dying anymore, Jane.
You saved her!
It's just what the
doctor ordered.
- Do you have my
ticket to Chicago?
- Listen dollface, I'm just
looking for some kindness.
Someone to travel this
beautiful world with.
And a good hand job.
Okay and a beer.
Some kindness to the world,
a hand job and a beer.
What do you say we
give that guy the slip,
and go travel the world
together, getting hand jobs?
- Jane? When you gave
me that money I thought
it was for Betsy.
You didn't want
her to die did you?
- No, but where's my ticket?
- Okay, no beer, just
kindness to the world,
and a hand job.
Okay, no world, just a little
four-knuckle love shuffle,
and some kindness.
- Betsy will take you. Tonight!
Oh Jane, it'll be monumental.
Shh.. Ever since I first laid
eyes on you in the bus station
I knew that we were
meant to be together.
And now that I've got
you I'm not ever going
to let you go.
I'm going to handcuff
you to my heart,
and stab you repeatedly
with my love.
- Okay, just a hand job
and then I'm outta here.
Oh look, there's gum.
- Jane, let's start
something beautiful together.
- What time is it?
- Time?
My darling there's no concept...
- The time?
- 10:14?
- The Gerry Show starts at 11.
- Well I know the perfect
place to watch Gerry,
before we go see Gerry.
- Want some gum?
(guitar music)
♪ I'm throwing my
love against the wall
♪ I watch it slide as it falls
♪ And I think to myself,
what you do that for?
♪ I walk away I hear
sweet things that you say
♪ Then I turn around
and I come back for more
♪ I throw my love
against the wall ♪
- Wow!
- You know I've never
liked this place before.
Until now.
- Why?
- Because it's never looked
beautiful until tonight.
I never thought I
could fall this hard.
- I never thought I
could be this hard too.
(flies buzzing)
- Gotcha!
(squishing)
- You are so talented.
- Shut up, I am not talented.
You just make me feel that way.
- Um..
- Jane?
- The TV.
- What?
- Where's the TV?
- What TV?
- Wait!
- [Gerry] And his wife
is a full-time mom and a
part-time cashier at
the Hoggly Woggly Mart.
Tiffany, why don't you start
by telling me what happened.
- Gerry, my husband
thinks he's Jesus Christ.
(audience laughing)
- Burt?
- What?
- Are you the son of God?
- Yes sir, Gerry.
Swear to Dad.
I ain't a particularly
religious man,
at least I wasn't until
a couple month ago.
- Yeah 12 months
to the year, Gerry.
- Shut up, bitch,
I'm the son of God.
I'll smite you.
- You don't even
know what that means.
- Why you up in my face,
don't you know who I am?
- You see this, Gerry, we
haven't had sex in eight months.
- Yeah, that is because my
dick has been blessed by God.
I got Jesus dick, Gerry.
- Baby, you and me gotta
be the luckiest dreamers.
- Shh!
(audience applause)
- Wow, that's some remote.
- Yeah.
- [Gerry] Nancy is 29
years old, enjoys fine
French merlot and
candle wax massages.
She also says she is,
the daughter of God.
(audience laughing)
Now, Nancy, are you religious?
- Religious?
- Yes, do you pray, go
to church, et cetera?
- Well, Gerry, isn't
that a little redundant?
- This was indeed a special
night for all of us,
not just because we were
blessed with the son
and daughter of God, oh no.
But because we can now
take a deep breath, relax,
and know that everything
is going to be all right.
That no matter horrors
lie in our future...
(snoring)
This is Gerry King for
The Gerry Show saying,
be kind, be happy, be free.
(audience applause)
- [Announcer] Next on The
Gerry Show, how my alien
abduction gave my sex
life super powers.
If you've been abducted
by extra-terretrals,
and notice that your sexual
performance has improved
or your partner has been
abducted with similar results,
- Yes!
- [Announcer] then call us
at The Gerry Show today.
- Gee, I forgot the soap.
- This is the most greatest
thing in the whole world.
Better than Sweet Valley High.
Better than Saved by the Bell!
- Oh, that Screech is funny.
- If we find aliens and get
supernatural sex powers,
we could have it all!
There is no way Dad
won't see me now.
We could take home
the grand prize,
the final spin, three
joker's secret password,
final jeopardy.
So, let's do it.
- Right here? Right now?
Or in Chicago?
- No, in the desert.
(dramatic music)
- The desert?
- Yes! Doesn't it feel so right?
Doesn't it feel as fantastic
as a Christmas special
with Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer and the
Abominable Snowman?
What's the matter?
You're losing color.
- I'm fine.
I would travel to the ends of
the earth for you, my dear,
but you must tell
me, why the desert?
- Aliens love the desert.
- Aliens love swamp
gas and drunken
old fishermen and moonshine.
- No, silly.
The X-Files, Area 51,
Project Bluebook, Millennium,
3rd Rock from the Sun, duh!
That is where it'll happen!
That is where we'll get
abducted and get, you know,
those powers.
- Of course.
The desert.
Far away from people, no
phones, no human contact.
Alone.
Okay.
I will take you to the
desert and we will be
abducted by aliens if
that is what you wish.
- Then set a course
for adventure.
This is going to be the most
perfectest weekend of my life!
(zany music)
(yawning) Are we here?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
The desert.
(dramatic music)
- I gotta pee.
(ominous music)
- There.
Jane?
Jane?
Jane, where are you?
Oh my God, she's left me.
Oh my God what
have I done, Jane!
Jane!
- I'm over here.
See!
- Ah ah ah
- Ah ah ah
- Are you cold?
You're all white or something.
- Ah ah ah ah
- Did an alien get you already?
- Ah ah ah ah
- How's your sex drive?
- Don't you ever ever do
anything like that again Jane.
You promise me,
do you understand?
- Pee?
- You know exactly what
I'm talking about Jane.
You ignorant slut!
I'm, I'm sorry.
Could we maybe pretend
that that never happened?
- Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Dick?
- Thanks.
Let's prepare our
camp, sweetness.
(ominous music)
(echoing voices)
- [Dick] And now that I've got
you I'm not ever going to...
[News Anchor] Authorities are
saying that Kenny Kingman,
also known as the Lollypop
Killer, has escaped from
Folsom State Prison.
- [Mom] Men are evil, men
are evil, men are evil
- Stay back!
Back!
I know all about you.
You and your past.
What the heck was I thinking?
You were going to serial
kill the aliens, weren't you?
What in the world did
they ever do to you?
They're cute, and green,
and Gerry says they
can give us
supernatural sex powers.
Is that it? You don't
like green things?
- Jane, listen to me.
When I was very young, I
went camping with my father.
- So? When I was four I went
to the market with my mother.
- Shortly after 2:33 A.M.,
Father, having indigestion from
our nightly kill, you see, all
of us boys knew how to hunt.
Father, exited the safety
of our camp to excrete the
evening's fare.
The scream, Jane.
The scream.
Such pain and
horror and surprise.
I jumped up thinking
that it was a nightmare.
But I was awake.
And it was real.
I tried to get out of my
sleeping bag but I was caught
and confused.
Finally, through a clearing,
I saw it.
A mighty, 39-point buck
was humping my father.
With great speed and ferocity.
My father and I locked eyes,
him, unable to escape
the buck's embrace,
me, unable to help him.
It must have gotten him
when he bent over to...
The buck leaned its head back,
and it let loose
a lustful squeal
(squealing)
(thudding)
- I'm so sorry.
- Naturally, Jane, when
you said you wanted to
come into the desert, all of
this came flooding back to me.
And then, when you,
you know, when you
went number one over there,
I vowed that I would never again
experience that type
of horror, Jane.
I just want to protect you.
From everything.
Including aliens.
I'm so sorry, can
you forgive me?
- Is that what you
wanted to tell me?
That was very Party
of Five of you.
(upbeat music)
♪ I'm sleeping, and right in
the middle of a good dream
♪ And all at once I wake up
♪ To something that keeps
knocking at my brain
♪ Before I go insane I
put my pillow to my head
♪ And jump up in my bed
screaming out the words I dread
♪ I think I love you
♪ I think I love you
♪ Believe me, you really
don't have to worry
♪ I only want to make you happy
♪ And if you say
hey go away I will
♪ But I think better still I
better stay around and love you
♪ Do you think I have a case?
♪ Let me ask you to your face
♪ I think I love you
♪ Do you think you love me too?
♪ I think I love you
♪ So what am I so afraid of
♪ Afraid that I'm not sure of
♪ A love there is no cure for
♪ I think I love
love love love love
♪ La la la love you
♪ I think I love you
♪ I love you ♪
- Sometimes I used to
wish I was abducted.
- So that you could get
supernatural sex powers?
- No.
Just so I could get away.
To see other things
and other places.
I think that it would be
so neato to see everything
I see on TV.
But my mom says my TV's
made me too stupid to leave.
But one day I'll get
smart, I know it.
And then nothing will stop
me, I will see everything.
- But what about the aliens?
- Well, maybe it's okay if we
don't see the aliens tonight.
- But Jane it means
so much to you.
- I have you.
And Betsy can still
take us to Chicago.
- But darling if I don't
produce the aliens for you
then I've failed you.
However, if Gerry's next
topic is the most in-love
people in the entire
world, then surely we will
be his next guests,
because anyone else who
attempts to claim that
mantle will be a fraud.
- No, no the topic is, I'm
in love with a serial killer.
- Well, if you have killed
me a thousand times with
your loving heart then you
are truly that serial killer.
- No, you are.
- Then I am your serial killer.
- You don't have to sound
like a Hallmark card.
I know all about you.
And it's perfect!
You and me and Gerry,
it's all I ever wanted.
It's just us here in
the middle of nowhere,
alone, cut off from everyone
with a serial killer.
- What? Serial killer?
Where?
- Kenny? Kenny Kingman?
The Lollypop Killer,
you escaped.
Oh my God.
- Jane, Jane you're
talking in riddles,
honey, I don't understand.
- Who the heck are you?
- Believe it or
not it's just me.
Just Dick.
I'm Dick, Dick Smith.
I'm an econ major
at community college
and I world three nights a
week at Wally's Weiner World
to pay off my student loans.
Who's Kenny?
- Dick, who's Dick?
And what the heck did
you do to Kenny Kingman?
- I'm Dick, and nothing.
- Liar!
Just the facts, man.
You tried to look like
him, just to make me
fall in love with you
and bring me out to
this stupid desert.
- Jane, you are sounding insane.
We came out here into
the desert so we could
abducted by aliens and get
supernatural sex powers.
- Oh I found the
alien, it's you.
- Jane? Jane!
- Bite me, pig.
(guitar music)
- Jane! Jane!
Jane!
♪ Popular is as dumb says
♪ Do not seek and ye shall find
I'm sorry.
Jane! Jane!
It was you who seduced me, not
the other way around, Jane.
You fell in love
with me Jane, me!
Not some serial
killer, it was me!
Okay, do you want me to
kill this family, Jane?
Cause I'll do it.
Do you want me to
serial kill this family
to prove my love to you, Jane?
- I'm a bleeder.
- I'm not really going to
kill you, it's complicated.
- Jane!
(horn honking)
Jane!
Jane!
Jane!
Thank you.
Jane!
Jane, we can start over, Jane.
Okay, what if Gerry
had a topic and it was
women who thought they were
in love with a serial killer
but they're really in love
with a community college
economics major?
Then what, Jane?
- My dad would never
have a topic like that.
♪ Maybe
♪ Ah, maybe
♪ Yeah maybe the sun
will rise at midnight
♪ And maybe the moon
will fall in the sea
♪ And maybe the stars
will burn out like candles
♪ And maybe you'll
keep your promise to me
♪ I wasn't looking
for all your tomorrows
♪ And I well I
dreamed of eternity
♪ And I never asked for
your ring around my finger
♪ That was the
promise you gave to me
♪ I know
♪ Bye-bye my love
♪ Bye bye bye
♪ All right
♪ Now maybe ♪
(bell)
- Eating, sleeping,
reading, what?
What, hello, speak!
Speak! Speak!
- One please.
- Huh?
- One!
- Okay doll, you
sure about this?
This really isn't a
stay overnight kind
of place, you know,
maybe you try the hotel
down the block, okay?
Shoo fly, shoo.
Okay, okay, fine, fine.
You don't have to
get pushy about it.
One.
I was just trying make
conversation, you know?
Wait a minute.
I know you.
You're from that TV show, huh?
Diagnosis Murder?
No, wait that's not it.
I know now.
Unsolved Mysteries, right?
You go round, and, never mind.
That will be 19.50 please.
Wait, I've got it now!
You're Chi-Chi's new
little pet aren't you?
Oh good, I'm going to
have so much fun with you
teach you little
makeup tips and get
your chi-chis and everything.
Go on, go ahead.
Dreaming of Mel
Gibson, you know.
(sad harmonica music)
♪ I'm down a little too low
♪ All around is just too high
♪ I know where to go out of
this creek bed that is dry
♪ Send me a ladder or
♪ Throw me a line
♪ Send me a ladder I can climb
♪ Yeah
♪ Spinning wheels aching
heart dust in the air
- WWN Worldwide News
wishes Suzanne Somers
a speedy recovery.
In other news today....
Thank you, excuse me
ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, I'm getting
this now, oh yes.
Unfortunately the worst
has been confirmed
just a minute ladies
and gentlemen.
Okay, approximately
four minutes ago
at the taping of his show
Gerry, host and international
star of The Gerry Show and
former mayor of Chicago,
was brutally and viciously
butchered on his live show
earlier today.
Luckily, we have it all on tape.
The topic, my daughter
is a Clover Scout Nazi.
Re-roll the tape,
re-roll that now.
Let's see that again, but
can you slow it down a bit?
I believe we can see the
moment just when Gerry loses
all consciousness
and hope of living.
Can we see that on camera two?
There. Now can you shuttle
frame that last image?
And zoom it. Yes, good.
Now there, you see it?
You know just frame by frame
until we get to the last image
in one more moment,
yes, there it is,
there is where is life it
gone, that is the moment
where he is no
more, right there.
Could we roll that back at all?
We can? Good.
Wait a minute, we're
going to roll the tape?
- Daddy (crying)
- [TV] Ah-huh.
Oh, look at that,
that is a moment.
Tough luck.
- Daddy! (crying)
(dramatic music)
- Damn you Clover
Scouts of America.
(pop music)
Left.
Right.
No, there.
Right here.
- So how was Chicago?
- He was my dad, you know?
- Who?
- Gerry.
- Oh, the pimp.
- And now he's dead.
Dead because of
that stupid idiot
midget Clover Scout.
Why Mr. Barney?
Why did she have to kill him?
- Maybe the other pimp
wanted his bitches.
- You think?
You think maybe it
was Sally or Oprah?
- Sure.
Oprah. That name
sounds pretty evil.
- That bitch.
I think I'm going to throw up.
- Oh, roll down the...
Window.
- Sorry.
(pop music)
- Counseling.
- Huh?
- My wife and I we're
in counseling now.
- Is it helping?
- Yeah, it's pretty good.
Look, I'm sorry your pimp died.
- He wasn't my pimp.
He was my father.
- Man, that's twisted.
(pop music)
- He touched you
didn't he? Didn't he?
- The aliens?
- What? What aliens?
- No aliens, we didn't see any.
- See any what?
- Aliens.
- There were Mexicans with you?
- He's not Mexican.
- Who, the alien?
- No, Dick.
- Dick, the Mexican?
- No, Dick the dick,
he's just Dick.
He's not Dick the Mexican
or Dick the Alien,
or Dick the serial killer.
- Look, honey, I don't
care if he's Mexican,
that's not the point.
- He could be Mexican
but I don't think so.
Mom I'm really tired.
- Did Dick the Mexican,
or the Alien, rape you?
- Mom!
Dick the dick and I
didn't vo-di-oh-do.
What about you and Burger?
- What?
Don't be stupid.
And don't try to
change the subject.
- I got to Mrs. White.
Hey, Janie, how you doing?
- [Jane] Hi Burger.
- Burger, so did you get
that order for tomorrow?
You know the brushes
and the things?
- No, uh-huh, you want me to
pick up some brushes for ya?
- Okay then, goodnight, Burger.
- Whatever.
(dramatic music)
- Goodnight, Burger.
Don't forget those
brushes and the things.
Yeah, oh yeah I'm going to
bring a brush back later
and dip it in some
more of that pie.
Everyone wants a
taste of the Burger.
Nighty-night Janie.
- Where were we? Oh
yes, the Mexican.
- I tried Mom, I tried
ever since I saw Dad on TV.
- What? What are
you talking about?
Your father's never been on TV.
- Now who's stupid?
- Your father sold
TVs for a living,
but he was never on TV.
Don't you remember your father?
- My father was going to
have me on his show right
after I fell in love with a
serial killer, and he was going
to take me away from you
and this stupid house
and this stupid city
and this stupid life!
- Your father is Mel
Martin Benjamin White.
And he sold televisions at
BBW Appliance at Oak Park....
- No! Stop it! He left
us when I was eight to
be the mayor of Chicago
and to start his TV show.
- Is this what television
has done to you?
Booger butt!
(dramatic music)
- Where's my door?
Where's my window?
Mom?
Mom?
- Your boob tube's
in my room, I...
- My shows?
- So I'm the bad person here?
The freak?
I'm the terrible parent?
- What do you want? Who are you?
- I'm your mother.
I am not some god
damn television show.
That box doesn't need you.
I need you.
That tube can't
give you what I can.
- You're wrong.
That box gives me my freedom.
It takes me out of here.
It takes me to Green
Acres and to Central Perk,
it takes me sailing across
the galaxy on Voyager,
and plants me on a barstool
where everybody knows my name.
I can buy shoes from Al
Bundy, it lets me take a trip
on Road Rules.
On my TV I can roam the
sewers with real monsters,
my doctor is Mark Greene and I
live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane
where the kisses are
hers and hers and his,
and I have friends too, Mom.
Frasier and Sigmund and
Homer and Tutti and Elly May
and Mr. Rogers and
Samantha and Horshack and
Roscoe P. Coltrane.
- I thought I was your friend.
- You took away my door.
- You tried to run
away with a Mexican.
- So?
You take away my TV?
You take away my tapes?
You call yourself my friend?
(saxophone music)
(piano music)
Daddy?
It's me, Jane White.
I never made it to your show.
I missed it by that much.
But I tried.
Is that okay?
I don't know, just,
why did you always have
to pick such a hard topic?
Why couldn't you do
something simple?
Something about my life?
I'm not a lesbian
grandmother and I'm not
sleeping with my
best friend's father.
- Jane! Jane!
(dramatic music)
- Dick?
Dick?
Dick?
- Jane!
Jane!
- Dick?
Dick?
(screaming)
- You remembered my name!
- Dick, what is this?
- This is a gift,
for you my darling.
(screaming)
If it is a serial
killer you want,
then a serial killer I shall be.
We will be on The
Gerry Show, you and I.
(screaming)
I love you Jane White,
with all my heart and soul.
But my petal, whatever is wrong?
- Dick, Gerry's dead.
The show's over.
- Oh.
(moaning)
That sucks.
- It sucks so much.
I miss him Dick,
I want him back.
It is so not fair.
- [Mom] Pumpkin? Darling?
- Um, Dick, I've got to go.
- Wait!
(crunching)
(screaming and moaning)
- What?
- Jane, if you can wait
for a few life sentences,
I promise you I will
always be there for you.
For us.
Forever.
- Oh, silly Dicky wicky.
What's a few life sentences?
I bet we've been together
for a million years,
and I bet we'll be together
for a million more.
(romantic music)
- (mumbling) No,
turn your head, okay
- Ah!
- You are frappalicious, Jane.
Now go, I don't want
you to see this.
- You'll be okay?
- I'll be fine.
The only thing that can
hurt me now is a meteor.
Or the plague.
- I love you Dick Smith.
Always, I will be with you
every step of the trial
on Court TV.
(crunching)
- Ow!
- Is that Mr. Peterson
you're standing on there?
Damn.
He must workout.
- Jane?
- Come on.
(piano music)
(glass shattering)
Daddy?
♪ D is for donut, D is for
donut, dunk it in your milk, D!
♪ E is for elephant,
E is for Elephant
- [Mom] Honey, I wish
you'd take those TVs back
to the appliance store.
♪ E is for elephant,
E is for elephant
(glass crashing)
♪ F is for fireman,
F is for fireman
- [Gerry] Stay right there,
I have a surprise for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, he
was convicted for 13 counts
of first degree murder, 50
counts of child molestation,
has over 65 felony arrests
and last month just...
- Daddy?
Mommy?
Mom?
- Hello, Jane.
- Burger?
(dramatic music)
You're not Burger.
- Do you know who I am?
- You're Kenny Kingman,
the Lollipop Killer.
Um, Beau Bridges played you
in the movie of the week.
- Yes.
Yes, he did.
- You want some milk?
It does a body good.
- No.
- You want to watch television?
It's must see TV.
- No.
You know what I want.
- Another lollypop?
- You write good letters,
and you have really
pretty boobies.
(dramatic music)
Ow!
- Oh my God, you
killed Mr. Kingman!
You bastard!
I guess TV can save lives too.
- It sure can.
- Oh Dick you're so silly.
- Am not!
- Are too!
- Am not!
- Are too!
- Are not!
Infinity not!
- Pretending to kill
my neighbors when
really it was the serial
killer Kenny Kingman.
- Uh-huh. Yeah, okay. Yeah.
- Why didn't you just
tell me you didn't do it?
I would still love you.
- Well, you see Jane...
Jane!
Ooo, you thought he was me?
Jane, he doesn't look
anything like me,
that guy weighs close
to like 300 pounds.
Jane, he's like 60 years old!
- Dick, sorry. They were using
old pictures on the computer.
- He's a whale, Jane!
That guy didn't kill
his victims, he must
have ate them all.
Is that how you see me,
Jane? Is that how you see me?
Tell me the truth.
- Well, you do look a
little like Beau Bridges.
- Beau Bridges? Ooo!
Jeff Bridges is the
cute one, Jane. Geez!
- [Mom] Sweetheart? Honey?
Did you see?
Did you see me? I went outside!
I saw my car and our mailbox,
and a bunch of people
lying in the street.
- I know, I know.
Life is a ball again,
laughter is calling for you.
- I love you, Booger Butt.
- I love you too, Mom.
Oh, Mom. I want you
to meet Dick Smith.
- You're the Mexican.
(dramatic music)
- Mexican?
Oh great, now I'm Mexican.
First I'm Shamu,
and now I'm Mexican.
- What do you want here?
- Well, I..
- We're in love.
I know that I'm not smart
enough to leave you,
but Dick is.
- What do you mean?
But?
- We are going to see the world,
and be the masters
of our domain.
- We are?
- Yes, and we're going to
meet interesting people
and boldly go where no
man has gone before.
- What about me?
- Mom, you have Burger.
- It's not the same.
- I know, you can
have sex with him.
Mom, it's been too long.
Dad died a long time
ago, you should be free
and happy and have fun.
- Like you, Jane White.
- Like me.
Come on, Dick.
- Jane, wait!
Where do you want to go today?
- I don't know, how
about Sesame Street?
- Oh that's great, that's great.
I always wanted
to meet Big Bird.
Oh, or Twin Peaks,
that place is so scary.
- I have an uncle in St. Olaf.
- [Dick] How about
the Twilight Zone?
Ooo, or we could go
to the Outer Limits.
Or Springfield, nobody really
knows how to get there,
but I know we'll find a way.
- Okay
- [Dick] It's going
to be so cool.
♪ She only watches TV
♪ That's all she wants to see
♪ When she's got her clicker
♪ She's happy as can be
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ Hey as the world turns
♪ She takes a quantum leap
♪ Having good
times on road rules
♪ from Springfield to Twin Peaks
♪ Whoa! It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really oughta get to know
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ It's the Jane White Show
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ So start your story
♪ A great series end
♪ Now it's time for the spin-off
♪ With Jane and her new friend
(laughing)
♪ Hey what's on TV Jane?
♪ 500 wonderful TV sitcoms
♪ Like Everybody Loves Raymond
♪ Hey where you going now Jane?
♪ Here comes Gilligan
he wants to kiss you
♪ Jane White
♪ Gilligan's sniffin a tree
♪ Jane White
♪ Yeah Jane White ♪
- Network executives
are scrambling to find a
suitable replacement for
the time slot once occupied
by the now deceased
and never to awaken
host of The Gerry Show.
Until a new replacement
can be found,
episodes of Manimal will be
airing in all time zones.
As you may recall, he's
part animal, he's part man,
he's Manimal.
- Okay we have a
question here, yes,
you sir, what is your name?
- Hi, I'm Terry.
When did you know you
were Jesus Christ?
- Ever since I was
able to walk on water.
- Would it make you feel
better if we had sex?
- Jane you realize I
can't allow aliens to take
you away from me?
For if I were to sit
idly by and allow your
abduction to occur my
heart would be empty
and my soul would
mourn for all eternity.
- Silly, they'll
take both of us.
- The tribe has spoken.
Hey isn't that a UFO?
- Well according to this
we were supposed to hit
the 54 freeway two inches ago.
- Over there, you
stay over there.
- But Jane I have the knife.
- Well, I said put it down.
- People are basically
narrow-minded bigots,
and jerk wads.
- I sure love this neighborhood.
A lot of fine people.
All lying in the road.
- Who could that be?
Maybe it's some of your
friends from school (laughing).
That's a joke!
You don't have any
friends except me.
- All of us at WWN Worldwide
News wish Richard Kline
a speedy recovery.
- Okay, now let me tell
you something, okay.
Anybody come up to you,
any john come up to you
and want to talk to you
about religious, or groups
or seniors or kids discounts,
you send them on to me, okay?
Anybody give you
crap, you with me.
Anybody want to claim
you, you be with me.
You got that?
- Somebody get off their
lazy ass and help me!
Or at least bring me a beer.
- [Burger] Hi.
- Oh there's a serial killer
stuck in your bedroom floor.
Beau Bridges played you
in the movie of the week.
- Yes. Yes he did.
Though I thought his
portrayal of my angst against
society was a
little melodramatic.
- How dare you speak
to me that way?
I was just trying
to protect you.
- From who? Door people?
Window people?
- What are you
staring at, bitch?
- [Audience] Ooo!
- Do you know where
the 54 freeway is?
- Yeah, it's up my ass!
- [Little girl]
Ass ass ass ass ass
Now get the hell out of here.
- What do you say you tell
me what two times four is?
- 34,302.
- Is that your final answer?
- 94?
- 68?
- Eight?
- 32?
- Hey, you just got it!
Two times four is eight!
- Really?
Math is easy!
- [Director] And action.
- Serial killer?
Where?
- [Jane] Here.
- Here here?
Where here? You there?
- [Jane] No, you
there here, there.
- Me here?
Sorry, my braces.
- [Director] Cut.
- It's the Jane White Show,
this is the song to
the Jane White Show.
There's some dog poop
and a used condom
on the Jane White Show.
And who's singing the song
to the Jane White Show.
Jane White, Jane
White, Jane White.
On the Jane White Show!
That's a big bump.
- Lost lost lost
lost lost lost lost
- [Director] Ass ass
ass ass ass ass, okay?
- Should I do the
line after that?
- [Director] Oh
what's the next one?
- Blowjob.
- Apple take one.
- You gotta wait for them,
for camera to say "mark."
And action!
- Man, I don't know
what we're doing.
- Say Hi to Gerry for me.
Your pimp sounds like
a really lucky guy.
- He's not my pimp.
He's my dad.
- I just locked the door.
- Jane?
- I love you.
- I love you.
- [Director] Cut!
- Well Betsy will drive
you, it'll be magnificent.
That's not the
right thing to say,
I don't know what
the fuck I'm doing.
- [Director] Cut!
- Also the fight was pinpointed
to the foreman of the
Prendergrast Tool
and Dye Company
and Mr. Archibald
Helmenskin Buck-hilton.
Tellman he was
there in the thing.
- [Announcer] Due to a clerical
error, this movie was filmed
in front of a dead
studio audience.
This is Gary Owens for Jane
White is Sick and Twisted
saying goodnight.
♪ She's the girl you
really ought to get to know
♪ Jane White ♪