James Davis: Live from the Town (2019) - full transcript

James Davis rants about old people on Facebook, explains why he celebrates the anniversaries of his breakups and shares his conspiracy theory about Magic Johnson.

[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
- Oakland, make some noise.
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
Yes.
♪ ♪
Oh, we in here.
It's a special.
And I had to come to Oakland.
Make some noise
for the Bay area, man.
Make some noise
for the Bay area.
Yeah!
Whee!
Oakland, man.
Yeah.
I like Oakland
'cause y'all smart.
But y'all go dumb.
Y'all got a good energy.
Y'all humble.
'Cause there's crack heads
next door.
You can't...
[laughter]
You can't act like you
better than me if you saw
a crack head today.
[laughter]
You're not.
One side of the block
look like "Pleasantville."
The other side,
"Walking Dead."
It's a bunch of crack zombies.
Is that Ms. Johnson?
I didn't know she turned.
Damn.
We done lost another one.
Look at her.
Mrs. John--Hey, Mrs.--
Oh, Mrs. Johnson.
Damn.
That was so black,
it hit me in my soul.
Did you have Ms. Johnson?
Like, did--
Was she your teacher?
I seen Ms. Johnson
two weeks ago, brother.
I didn't know--I didn't know I
was the only one who seen her.
[laughter]
But y'all hear it.
I'm from LA.
South Central is in
the building.
Make some noise if you--
if you've been there,
if you've seen it.
I mean, that's my
first magic trick.
Making it out.
Just being here today.
But I'll be honest.
I'm gonna be 100% honest.
I'm not from that
South Central.
But that's why they call me,
you know,
Mr. Hood Adjacent,
'cause that's who I am.
Hood adjacent.
Like, here's the hood.
Drive-bys, gang banging.
Looks like an episode
of "The Wire."
Then there's a street, then me.
Ooh, dodged it.
Get out of here, oppression.
"Matrix"!
Almost got me.
Thank you, Mom.
It's like, yes, I know the dude
who got shot in the drive-by,
but no, I wasn't invited
to the retaliation meeting.
I don't know what our response
is to this dude shooting up
the street next to the one
I care about.
But I told him, "Hey, when
you find the guy who did this,
"do what y'all do.
Keep it gangsta.
"Take a picture of it,
put it on Instagram,
"and I'll like that shit.
I'll hit it with
the double tap."
But that's where it stops.
Hood adjacent.
I make my Kool-Aid with Fiji
Water and a touch of Splenda.
Just a skosh.
Just a dollop.
Way more crisper
to the palate.
You know what it tastes like?
Progress.
[laughter]
An extra five years
on your life.
♪ Moving on up ♪
...in a cup.
[laughter]
I had a lot of friends.
They were, uh, gang members.
Uh, Bloods, Crips.
I was in a gang as well.
All-black Boy Scout troop.
Um...
Troop 848.
Y'all laughing,
but don't get it twisted.
They ran the streets.
We ran the woods.
[laughter]
Whole lot of gang shit,
you know what I mean?
[laughter]
All-black Boy Scout troop.
We looked like a cross between
the baby Black Panthers
and the Little Rascals.
Just a bunch of Buckwheats
in the woods
just pitching tents,
throwing rocks,
and terrorizing squirrels.
Get out of our tent site, cuz!
Get out, cuz, it's ours!
848!
Hey, cuz, I'm lost.
You lost?
North star, north star.
We good.
[laughter]
It's right there, cuz.
Right by the little dipper.
[laughter]
Do you even read your book?
[laughter]
All-black Boy Scout troop.
This is what made me mad.
They made us wear kente cloth
Boy Scout scarves.
Now, for those who don't know,
let me be a niggapedia.
Kente cloth is like
African tribal Burberry.
It's like...
[laughter]
Flannel for the culture.
If you've ever been
to a college graduation
and you noticed a little
something extra
on the black people's
graduation gown,
you know what that
little extra credit is?
Kente cloth.
And they made us wear it
on our Boy Scout uniform.
Now, listen.
We already look like
junior UPS niggas.
Like, now--now we got
a piece of Africa
on the uniform as well?
This is unnecessary.
They know
we're the black troop.
[laughter]
We have Jordans on
instead of hiking boots.
[laughter]
Are there any Boy Scouts
in here tonight?
Straight up.
[laughs]
[laughter]
But enough about me, man.
Let's talk about you guys.
I appreciate you coming out.
You look good.
Make some noise for yourselves.
You look good.
[cheers and applause]
I appreciate that.
You know, some places,
they be coming looking like
they--like they did yard work
and then me, you know?
Like, I'm not something you do
in between errands, you know?
You don't do laundry
and then check out James.
I'm a goddamn event, okay?
Don't you come seeing me
with your toes all out
and your braids undone.
But that's not--Y'all don't
have to worry about that.
Y'all look good.
You, sir, I see you
with the camo.
Where'd you go?
I can't see you.
[laughs]
Okay.
That's that good camo.
I can't--Where's he at?
Where's he at?
I--Where--Where'd he go?
Where'd he go?
Got that good camouflage.
Okay.
Looking like a floating face.
My point is,
y'all look good, man.
Some cities,
they be disrespectful.
I'm not talking about
any place in particular.
Chattanooga.
But, you know.
Yeah, they didn't come to play.
But you guys, you look good.
You look like a room
full of profile pictures.
Perfectly cropped.
I don't know what filter
y'all are wearing.
Y'all got a nice hue about you.
I appreciate that.
'Cause you know when you say
someone looks like their
profile picture,
that's a compliment.
'Cause a profile picture,
that's our best swing
in the photography department.
That's the best picture
you've taken in the last
10 to 15 years.
I love the profile picture
'cause you could always tell
somebody's problem areas.
'Cause they always
crop out their bullshit.
Have you noticed that?
If they got
a messed-up haircut,
their picture starts
right at the eyebrow
and makes its way down.
If they ain't been
on their crunches,
it's getting a little
loosey-goosey downstairs,
chin, lot of ceiling.
Lot of architecture.
Is that stained glass
back there?
That's a beautiful home.
Where is that?
What area code?
And if they're ugly,
just the eyes.
Have you seen that one?
The just the eyes?
Did I get a friend request
from a ninja?
Who are you, eyeballs?
[laughter]
There's too many old people
on Facebook.
Can we just say that?
Can we just put that out there?
Too many.
Remember when it was--
Remember when it
was just for us?
And our college friends?
Now it's all--
they just keep on coming.
They're like the illegal aliens
of the Internet.
These old people.
We need to put up a wall
or some trivia.
[laughter]
Something.
Who's Lil Wayne?
You don't know?
Then you don't fucking log on,
okay?
This is young people's town.
Which one of these
is not a dance?
You know, just something.
[laughter]
I got a friend request
from my grandfather.
I was like, "No."
Like, I'll see you
at Grandma's house.
I don't wanna see no
old people posts like,
uh, "Just, uh, finished
watching "M.A.S.H."
Like, I don't wanna see that.
"About to 'Wheel of Fortune'
and chill."
You know?
"With my old lady."
"Just woke up from a nap.
Praise God."
Like...
[laughter]
"Just woke up from a nap again.
I'm on a streak."
Like...
[laughter]
I don't wanna see that.
Listen, here's my thing.
Old or young, if you're gonna
be on social media,
you gotta understand the rules.
The guidelines.
Like, simple stuff.
Like, the difference between
wall talk and inbox talk.
When to slide up in the DMs
and when to make it public.
It's very simple.
Like, wall talk,
that's that general stuff.
Hey, how you doing?
Saw the feed.
Happy birthday.
Wanna go to James Davis'
comedy show?
Something all the Internet can
see and you can breathe easy.
Inbox is that nasty stuff that
no one should ever know about.
That's why it's in a box.
[laughter]
Like, this is an inbox message
I may have sent the other day.
Hey, baby girl.
I had a daydream about you.
You were butt naked.
I put some Lawry's seasoning
salt on your ass.
Then licked it off
for a midday snack.
Send.
[laughter]
That's how I send my DMs.
Get out there.
Wi-Fi, do your thing.
[laughter]
Now, listen.
Some of y'all are laughing,
and others are troubled.
[laughter]
But guess what?
That was between me
and the freak I sent it to.
And where was it?
In a box.
For no one else to see.
But you can't confuse the two.
I remember I went
to a house party.
Some things went down.
It was amazing.
The next day,
my boy writes on my wall,
"Oh, girl from last night.
Did you hit that?"
all: [oohing]
On my wall.
[laughter]
In my public space.
For my aunts and uncles to see.
[laughter]
Now the whole feed
thinks I'm hoeing.
And then my grandpa goes,
likes this.
[laughter]
I don't need that.
I don't need that drama, yo.
No.
It's funny, but it's not.
I don't need granddaddy issues.
I already got daddy issues.
Speaking of fathers--father
figures in the black community.
Make some noise
for Barack Obama.
I miss him.
Right?
Where is he at?
Right?
You have that, "Aww," right?
It's sad.
I feel like me
and him broke up,
and, like, he's doing good
and he's happy.
And he's doing a good job,
you know, and whatever.
But, like, come home.
You know?
Like, come on, dawg.
Just come on home.
You know?
It's--It's weird.
But I'm happy for him.
He's so relaxed.
Have you seen him?
He's relaxed.
Like...
You know, like...
Like, we over here like--
[groans]
And he's like--
[exhales sharply]
[laughter]
It's like, we got homework,
and he don't.
Like, we're in finals, and he
dropped out three months ago.
Like, "Ooh, it looks
bad over there.
"We playing '2K' over here.
She rolling up.
Come through."
And we're like, "Oh, I can't.
I gotta deal with
all this life stuff."
And it's like,
"Oh, that sucks.
"You should have been
President for eight years.
Then you could just chill."
[laughter]
No, he just--his energy is so
amazing right now.
Whenever he walks
into any event,
it looks like he
just finished fucking.
Right?
Like he has the most
emptiest nuts in the room.
Like, that's--
that's Barack's swag.
Empty Nuts Barack.
He just looking at you like,
"Yeah, you know what I've
"been up to.
"Flying and fucking.
Ain't that right, Michelle?"
Slaps her on the ass.
For real.
He just has that swag
about him.
And I miss his cool,
you know?
Politics aside,
I just miss his cool.
Like, even the way he would
introduce his family.
"Uh, now listen.
"I'd like to recognize
my family.
"My wife Michelle,
our daughters Sasha and Malia.
Michelle, Sasha, Malia."
Right?
He always says it that way.
Like, they're some kind
of law firm or something.
You know, my baby,
she just got an internship
at Michelle, Sasha, & Malia.
Mm-hmm, graduated
top of her class.
SpelHouse.
[laughter]
"Michelle, Sasha, and Malia."
In that order.
He always says it in that order
like they're some kind
of singing group.
"I'd like to recognize
my family,
"Earth, Wind & Fire.
"My daughters,
Frankie Beverly & Maze.
My nephews, Ronnie, Bobby,
Ricky, and Mike."
[laughter]
Dude is cool, man.
I hate that we don't
see him as much.
I wanna see him out here.
I wanna--
I wanna see him on TMZ.
Baller alert.
Shade room, you know?
I want him out here.
I want Barack to have a cool
job like--like a night club DJ.
Could you imagine that?
You in the club just
chilling with the homies.
All the sudden you just hear,
"Single ladies,
I can't hear you."
[laughter]
"Healthy ladies, make noise.
"Turn down for what.
"If you got a $100 bill,
get Obamacare.
"Single ladies,
I can't hear you.
"Healthy ladies, make noise.
"Where my birthdays at?
I see you, nigga.
Oh, shit."
[laughter]
"Uh, cut--cut the music.
"Uh, I just met a young lady,
uh, by the bathroom.
"Uh, baby said, uh...
Uh, baby said, uh, 'DJ Barack,
can we turn up?'"
[laughter]
"And I told her
as I once told you,
"Yes, we can.
It's lit.
"Oh, oh.
What y'all wanna hear?
"I said what y'all wanna hear?
"When I say Michelle,
you say Sasha and Malia.
Michelle."
all: Sasha and Malia.
"Oh, oh."
[laughter]
I enjoy, uh, you know,
telling my story up here.
You know, introducing y'all
to the real James Davis.
I'll be honest.
I'm from South Central.
But I play golf.
I love golf.
It's really fun being a black
golfer 'cause it's, uh--
I don't know.
How do you say it?
Unexpected?
Uh, are there any golfers
in here tonight?
Yeah?
You play golf, sir?
Okay, non-white golfer.
I see you.
I get on that first tee.
It's usually me and, like,
three super old,
super rich white dudes, and
they are looking at me judging.
They're like,
"Oh, what is this?
Make-A-Wish?
What are we doing?"
[laughter]
"What is this,
diversity day?
"Is it--Is it--
Is it a holiday?
"Are they doing a theme?
"They should have put it in
the email for the tee time
"that they were doing
something special.
"The minorities.
Go ahead, Radio.
"Hit the ball.
Uh... Cliff.
What do you wanna do?"
But here's the thing.
I play golf.
I'm amazing, so the look they
give when I hit that tee shot,
priceless.
It's like we're back
in slavery,
and they're like--
[gasps]
"You can read?"
[laughter]
[mimics explosion]
"Who taught you how to do that?
That is illegal.
"You get killed
for stuff like that.
Cliff, look at this.
Look at this."
[laughter]
But listen, after that moment,
the wall comes down
and the bonding begins.
They go from not telling me
where they live
to inviting me
to live with them.
They're like,
"Have you seen 'Blind Side?'
I wanna do that to you."
[laughter]
"I'm your Sandra Bullock.
"I wanna move you
into the garage.
"Get you better clubs.
"You just stay away
from my wife,
"and we can make this happen.
We'll get you on that tour."
[laughter]
I used to, like,
follow Tiger Woods heavy.
I used to study his golf
swing in slow motion
over and over again.
I called it dedication.
My friends called it super gay.
But, uh...
[laughter]
[laughs]
You know, they just
didn't get my passion.
I actually met Tiger Woods--
[clears throat]
Yeah.
"Oh!"
[laughter]
Yes, I actually
met Tiger Woods.
"Oh, you did?
Is he still looking
how he looked?"
[laughter]
I saw him this summer,
and I told him to his face,
"Hey, man,
you're one of my heroes.
"I believe in you.
I think you still can do this.
But I saw that DUI video."
[laughter]
"Tiger, you looked
buff as fuck, bro.
"Like, man, only you
can turn a DUI video
"into a Nike commercial.
I literally--I literally bought
everything you had on."
Nike, let me get
the DUI Dry Fit.
The one from the--
from the video with Tiger.
The one he had on
that make you look swole.
I need that.
In his size.
Without the cop.
[laughter]
Tiger Woods was a huge deal
to the black community.
I remember watching him win
tournaments with my family.
You know?
Like, he was a shot
of self-esteem to the culture.
And people don't talk
about that.
But Tiger meant a lot.
Every Sunday he'd win one
of those major championships.
It was like a baby
O.J. verdict.
You know?
It was a black man winning
in an arena you weren't used
to seeing him win in.
You know?
Augusta National was
his justice system.
[laughter]
And he overcame it.
That joke is kind of like
the O.J. verdict.
[laughter]
Some people like it.
White women don't.
But, you know.
Tickles me, sir.
[laughter]
I wanted to be on tour,
but I didn't wanna
be Tiger Woods.
I wanted to be more like the
Allen Iverson of the PGA Tour.
You know what I'm saying?
Good at golf in the confines
of what golf was.
But still doing hood shit
on the side.
Just 'cause.
Just 'cause it's me.
It's me.
I wanna be me.
I wanna rap and play golf.
You know?
Like, that's what
I wanted to do.
The Allen Iverson
of the PGA Tour.
I'ma be--I got my slacks
and my polo and my hat
with the endorsements
all over me.
But it's not gonna be NetJets
or some insurance company
or a watch company on my wrist.
It's gonna be a company
like Hennessy.
Swisher Sweet on my pocket.
[laughter]
My golf bag is just gonna be
some huge advertisement
for my uncle's
barbecue sauce company.
Will's Sauces.
[chuckles]
Ten-for-five combo.
For sale in the parking lot.
All--All on my bag.
With a message from my mama.
"You gonna do good today,
baby."
Like, it's just, like,
a little Post-it on the bag.
Don't touch that!
My mama gave me that Post-it.
[laughter]
'Cause here's the thing.
People think golf is boring.
It's actually not.
Back in the day,
there was this golfer that--
You can--
[blows raspberry]
all you want.
But that's because you haven't
heard of a golfer named
Chi-Chi Rodriguez, okay?
This dude, he makes a put,
picks his putter up,
starts sword-fighting nobody.
Who wants it, air people?
Ghosts?
Who wants it?
You see that on TV
and you're like,
"Damn, he's on cocaine."
The best--That's the type
of fun they're having on tour.
You can't--
[blows raspberry]
that, huh?
You can--
[sniffs]
that but you don't--
[blows raspberry]
that, okay?
I know about fun.
And that guy's having some.
You be at your job,
send an email,
and just pick up your
keyboard and be like,
"What? Who wants it?
"Email, out. Sent.
I'm out this bitch."
[laughter]
Don't let me get on tour.
I'm killing it.
I'm gonna have
a cool nickname too.
Like Barbecue Davis,
you know?
Like, it's already on the bag.
I might as well
just take it further.
They have weird nicknames
like Tiger Woods.
Beef Johnston.
These are real people.
Fuzzy Zoeller.
They have weird names.
Barbecue Davis,
I'd fit in.
I hit a good shot.
Boom!
[mimics licking sounds]
[laughter]
Too much sauce.
Yeah.
Put that in the Styrofoam.
That's leftovers, baby.
300 yards down the middle.
Is you hungry yet?
Barbecue Davis.
[laughter]
I'm--I'm acting
a fool out there.
I'm doing all the new dances.
I make the put,
I'm Milly Rocking.
What you want?
[cheering]
I'm Nae Naeing.
He ready.
[cheering]
I'm Moonwalking, just doing
the Moonwalk on the green.
With spikes just
destroying the grass.
Just literally destroying the
golf course with dance moves.
So that the next group
has to show up like,
"I--I can't putt through this.
"I don't--Who allowed this?
It's destroyed.
"USGA official, come over here.
It's fucking destroyed.
Who did this?"
"I'm sorry.
It was Barbecue Davis.
"He... came here
about two groups earlier.
"Made a 7-footer for double
bogey and kind of went crazy.
He always acts up
on those Trump courses."
[cheering]
Where the single ladies at?
Where the single ladies at?
Make some noise.
[cheering]
Okay.
Loud, but not a lot.
No silence.
What's up?
I heard about 15
enthusiastic single people.
But a lot of couples here.
It's cool.
Just celebrated by two month
broke up-aversary.
I don't know
if you guys celebrate
the broke up-aversary.
Don't aww.
It's like your anniversary.
But the opposite.
You celebrate your emancipation
from the asshole.
Like, me, I treat it
like Independence Day.
I take off work.
I barbecue her old belongings.
[laughing, cheering]
I do fireworks in the backyard.
This was me the other day,
just--
[mimics hissing fireworks]
Bitch.
[laughter]
I hate you.
[laughter]
She keyed my car.
Right?
Who's still doing that?
Who's still--Who's
still keying cars?
I thought that
went out of style.
That's throwback petty.
[laughter]
People ain't keying
cars no more.
Nobody just like, "He say who?
He say what to me?"
Like, nobody's keying
cars no more.
That's--That's old school.
That's throwback petty.
She was probably wearing a tie
dye shirt and some overalls.
Listening to '90s R&B
on her Walkman, just angry.
Just...
♪ This is how we do it ♪
[laughter]
Going in just...
♪ Once upon a time in '94 ♪
[laughter]
Just doing "Fruit Ninja"
all up on my car.
[mimics slicing]
Apples, oranges.
[laughter]
And here's what sucks.
My car was parked
in a public setting.
You know what that tells me?
Someone saw her keying my whip.
And they allowed it.
They were just walking
to their car like,
"Huh? Get it, girl.
"Get up in there.
"Here, use my keys.
They're heavier.
"I can--No, you ain't
doing it right.
"You gotta see the paint
chips falling off.
"Get in there, girl.
You're not doing it.
"Let me sub in.
Sub in.
"Can I sub?
Can I sub?
"Can I sub?
Get in there.
"He deserve it.
I don't even know the nigga.
He deserve it."
[laughter]
'Cause y'all ladies come
together for #metoo
and #fuckhim.
[laughter]
What I did, though?
Nothing.
Not a damn thing.
[laughter]
No, I didn't--Yes, ma'am.
Ma'am, I didn't...
'Cause I'm a respectful person,
I'm showing you right now.
I didn't deserve it,
you know?
I didn't deserve it.
Brothers who say ma'am
don't deserve...
[laughter]
...to have their car keyed.
Ma'am.
Praise God for you.
[cheering]
That's all I'm saying.
I didn't deserve it.
Good niggas get keyed too.
I'm starting a foundation,
'cause there's other brothers
out there going through
the same thing as I am.
You know?
And we don't deserve it.
We don't deserve
our property keyed.
You know?
It's an epidemic.
It is.
Wait a minute.
A good nigga just got keyed
right now somewhere--
somewhere in America.
A good brother is getting
his Prius fucked up.
[laughter]
And it's bad.
We don't deserve it.
I didn't deserve it.
But you know what?
I'm petty too.
So I didn't fix my car.
I'm driving around LA
right now.
2005 keyed-up Honda Accord.
Keyed up.
I'm keyed up.
Keyed up.
Keyed up.
Somebody write that song.
Send it to me.
[laughter]
It's a message to the future
ladies in my life.
You see my car.
It's keyed.
What does that tell you?
[blows raspberry]
At least I'm not boring.
[laughter]
Well, come ride
this roller coaster.
Come find out why I got keyed.
You know?
I'm a challenge.
Do you accept?
[laughter]
I'm serious.
Ladies, if you're tired
of these respectful,
text-you-back-immediately,
flower-sending,
FaceTiming-ass dudes,
come to death row.
[cheers and applause]
These dudes all in the videos.
Dancing.
[laughter]
Where were we?
[laughter]
I'm having a good year, y'all.
I'm really excited, man.
You know what I'm saying?
No kids.
No fumbles this season.
I ain't dropped no seeds.
You know?
I've been giving these eggs
the Heisman.
You know what I'm saying?
Just juking responsibility.
Get out of here.
Circle, circle.
L2, L2.
[laughter]
Get--Oh, almost.
[laughter]
And it's tough, 'cause this
safe sex business requires--
[exhales deeply]
Uh, responsibility.
Maturity.
They don't tell--They don't
tell you that in high school
when they're putting
the condom on the banana.
They don't.
They're like, "Hey,
this is safe sex.
But that unsafe sex, ooh."
They don't tell you that.
You gotta experience that
euphoria on your own.
[laughter]
And then after that--
[scoffs]
It's a crossroads.
[laughter]
From that point on,
every time you have sex,
you gotta make a decision.
Am I gonna have it the safe way
or the right way?
[laughter]
The way God intended?
Ain't nothing about ultra-thin
in the good book.
That's all I'm saying.
Ain't--Ain't nothing about--
[laughter]
All I'm saying is it's tough,
man, because sex with a condom
is like...
[groans]
[laughter]
It's like eating a Starburst
with some of the wrapper on it.
[laughter]
Like... it's cool.
It's all right.
But if that wrapper
wasn't on it, though?
You gonna leave me hanging,
though?
You know?
Thank you, man.
Security.
Fucking security.
Wow.
Wow.
[laughter]
Hey, camera.
Hey, camera.
There's the asshole
right there.
Yeah, there it is.
There.
Camera, there it is.
Zoom in on him.
Make sure you get him.
Make sure you get him.
Make sure you get him.
Hey, hey.
What's up?
It's James' special.
It's your boy James.
I'm just a cool dude
trying to tell my jokes,
and sometimes I look--I like
to give the audience, like,
a high five or whatnot.
But sometimes they be like,
"No."
And I think that's messed up.
But you know what?
It's my hour and, uh, just
peep an asshole right here.
This is an asshole.
This is what he looks like
Uh, we'll be back after
these commercial breaks.
[laughter]
Oh, man.
[applause]
No, we gotta talk about deep
stuff too, you know?
Let's--there's a lot of things
going on in the world right now
and I'm here
to talk about them.
You know, like for example,
this #metoo,
#timesup moment.
I think that's very dope.
Let's make some noise for that.
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
And I'm glad that messed-up
people doing messed-up stuff
are being held accountable.
You can't just abuse your power
and do messed-up stuff
and think
that life just goes on.
No.
That's some real-life
accountability,
and that's social progress.
And I'm proud of us as a nation
for embracing this movement.
Now, if that accountability
could make its way
into a police department,
that'd be dope too.
But, no, hey, ha, ha.
I digress.
I digress like a motherfucker.
But at the end of the day,
the movement's dope,
and it's been very educational.
Especially for men.
'Cause I'll be honest,
99% of the cases I hear,
I'm like, "Wow, that's crazy.
That's ridiculous."
Like, "That dude
is out of control."
But there's been a couple
cases where I was like,
"Ooh, didn't know you
couldn't do that."
[laughter]
All right, we--now we got
a hard answer on that one.
Mm-hmm.
No more gray area.
That is now a no, okay?
Can't just pull it out, sir.
[laughter]
You know,
and I learned my lesson.
You know,
'cause I'll be honest,
I come from a different time.
Uh...
Back in my day, that's how
you avoided the friend zone.
You know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I like you.
Dick out.
Like...
[laughter]
It's out 'cause I like you.
I have feelings for you.
So that's why
this is happening.
[laughter]
If I had a friend and they came
back from a date and they said
they pulled their dick out,
I'd be like,
[gasps]
You like her.
Like, this is serious.
You should ask her
to the formal.
[laughter]
But here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
Here's the thing.
We just have to own up to
the fact that men and women
look at the act of pulling
one's penis out differently.
For women, when a guy
pulls out their junk,
they're like, "Whoa, crazy.
"Whoa, crazy.
Why are you doing that?
"I don't know
if I should run away,
if I should stay.
Is the dick a weapon?"
You know what I'm saying?
"Am I a hostage now?
What should I do?"
But guys, we don't think
of it like that way.
Like, we're not on
some malicious shit.
When we pull our dick out,
it's like...
offering gum, you know?
[laughter]
It's like, look,
I'm not crazy.
I know people like this.
There's people out there
who like this.
I happen to have some on me.
[laughter]
Want some dick?
You want some?
If you don't, no big deal.
I'll put it back
in this little pocket.
It's not a big deal.
I'll keep it to myself.
[laughter]
But who would I be if you were
in the mood for dick,
I had some dick on me,
and I didn't offer?
I was raised better than that.
I'm being considerate.
[laughter]
What is funny to me is, uh,
the fact that we never hear
the lies that these alleged,
uh, you know,
sexual predators tell when
they're finally confronted
with these allegations
or the truth of what they did.
We only hear the statement.
I'm sorry,
I did some messed-up stuff.
I'm gonna take some lessons,
and my bad.
You know?
I'm gonna take some lessons
on how to be a good dude.
You know, I signed up
for classes and, uh,
I'm gonna work on it.
That's all we hear,
but we never hear that, like,
first lie they tried to tell
to get out of it.
'Cause men, we lie.
We don't--When
we're in that corner,
we're not like, "You got me.
I have cheated."
[laughs]
We're like, "No, shoot.
What--Man, I was--
"We was playing ball and then,
you know what I'm saying?
The taxi driver came through
and pulled my dick out."
No.
[laughter]
We make things up.
Like, you know one of these
officers was like,
"Sir, an actress has come
forward and said
that you masturbated
in front of her."
And he was like--
[gasps]
"Wow."
[laughter]
"So that's how
she's spinning it?
"That's crazy.
"You can't trust nobody
these days, officer.
"That's--That's what she--
"Whoo.
"Ooh, she playing with my life,
officer.
"She playing with my career.
"I don't play like--I don't
even play like that, officer.
"I don't even play like that.
"I ain't even that dude.
"No, that's--No, I grew up
single-parent mom.
"Like, no.
She, like raised me--
"Single-parent mom.
Like, she, like--
"I would never do
nothing like that.
"Officer thi--this
is what happened.
"All right?
"We was at a festival, right?
"And there was a after-party,
right?
"And we was
all dancing outside.
"And now I got these stiff pair
of jeans on, you know?
"The kind that, like,
crease even though
"you ain't ironed them,
you know what I'm saying?
"Just, like, really--
"And the fly sometimes
comes down on 'em.
"Whatever.
"So, anyway, we dancing, right?
"We doing the electric slide.
You know.
"And we had got to the part
where you--you know--
"you swing it,
you know what I'm saying?
"Like, when you swing it
to get to this part
"of the choreography.
And so when I swung it,
my dick popped out."
[laughter]
"Now, of course,
I'm embarrassed.
"My dick's out.
You know, I ain't big.
"I ain't small.
I'm in the middle.
I don't want it out like that,
you know what I mean?"
[laughter]
"So what do I do?
Shove it back in.
"In the process, it felt good,
and I came.
But... if she gonna
sit up here and say..."
[laughter]
"That I jacked off
in front of her,
"that's a lie, okay?
"Did I come?
Yes.
"'Cause of her?
Absolutely not.
"It was an electrical slide
malfunction.
"Are we not men, officer?
"Has it not happened to us
before?
"Right?
"What you mean,
I'm still arrested?
"That don't make
no goddamn sense.
"I demand to see a real nigga
in this precinct.
"Somebody who can dance.
"Who can understand
what I went through.
"You gonna put--
You gonna book me?
"You gonna book me?
Over electrical sliding?"
[laughter]
"That's crazy, man.
"Where the--
Where the sergeant at?
Where Ice-T?
Somebody."
This, uh--This is not the body
that I wanted for my special.
I'll be honest.
I wanted to look like
right-now Chappelle.
I look like old-school
Chappelle.
[laughter]
Chappelle before he had time
to go to Africa and do arms.
[laughs]
Chappelle looks like he went
to Africa and was like,
"Who's the best biceps trainer?
"I'm done with comedy.
I just wanna do arms, nigga.
"Just sock out network.
What?
"I wish they would give
me notes, nigga.
You see these arms?"
[laughter]
Who leaves a show and just
goes, "Arms, nigga,
that's what we on now.
That's my new shit."
[laughter]
I really just wanna
be casually cut.
With disrespectful shoulders.
[laughter]
Shoulder titties, you know?
Just... two chocolate
shoulder pads.
I want girls to be like,
"Damn, he got some
big old shoulders," like...
"Look at his shoulders.
Ooh.
I just walk through a crowd.
Knock somebody over.
Oh, I apologize.
I knocked over your baby,
ma'am.
I apologize. Here.
Here your baby go.
All right.
I underestimated my width.
You know what I'm saying?
I didn't know the results
were gonna hit me so fast.
#Gains. I'm in there.
[laughter]
Drinking the Muscle Milk.
Does it leave me gassy?
Sometimes, but you know.
Sacrifice.
Just farted right now.
[laughter]
But it's back here.
You good.
Y'all good, y'all good.
It's back here.
It's back here.
It's back here.
[laughter]
You smell it?
Oh, okay.
Uh...
You know what no one talks
about when working out,
is nutrition.
For real, everybody wants
to work out,
hit the push-ups.
But no one's talking
about what we eat.
Everybody wants to be woke.
Nobody wants to be food woke.
Right?
Like, yes, police
are killing niggas.
But...
[laughter]
What about your food?
[laughter]
Have you seen
the documentaries?
"What the Health."
"Fat, Sick and Dead."
Or, whatever it's called.
[laughter]
I've only seen one.
It was enough.
I'm afraid.
Pretty much
here's the breaking news.
If it tastes good,
it's killing you.
[laughter]
Every time you go,
"Mmm, mmm, mmm,"
that's the sound of you
dying a little bit.
[laughter]
You were gonna be 85.
Now you 82.
Every "mmm" was a year
off your life.
And this meat,
this meat has been compromised.
They don't tell you that.
This meat is all bad.
85% of all meat has
fecal matter in it.
You know what that is, sir?
Boo-boo.
Caca, doo-doo, diarrhea.
In your meat.
In your steak.
In your chicken wings.
In your Lunchable.
Boo-boo. Luncha-Boo-Boo.
[laughter]
But we don't know
and we not tripping because
the presentation on fleek.
It looks good.
But in reality,
this meat is like
Magic Johnson.
Sure, it looks rich
and healthy on the outside.
But on the inside are some
things that you don't want
inside of you.
[laughter]
Mmm.
Killed 'em.
[laughter]
That's some writing
right there, sir.
I'm sorry.
Is it still too soon?
Are we still not allowed?
When can we get
the green light as comedians
to talk about this dude?
'Cause let's be honest.
[laughs]
His HIV is old enough
to legally buy alcohol.
Like he's--he's had it
for a minute.
That needs to be the new
Netflix documentary.
"What the Fuck is Going On
with Magic?"
Would you not sit down for
a "Making a Murderer's" amount
of time to get the answers?
All I'm saying
is if he has a cheat code,
he gotta share, okay?
That or take a--a live
blood test on "Maury."
Something.
We need to know why his
HIV is steroids-like.
You know?
He's just getting stronger
and buying teams.
[laughter]
I'll be honest, y'all.
This is my black-spiracy.
I don't think he got it.
[laughter]
Magic doesn't have HIV.
He's just a paid spokesman.
The--The good people at HIV,
they approached him--
Look at him.
Look at him.
[mimics explosion sounds]
That's crazy.
Yo, my dude.
Slow it down.
Take it back.
You trying to tell me...
No, no, no.
You try--
[exhales loudly]
Bro.
Shit kinda make sense, though.
[laughter]
I think the good people at HIV
approached him at the end
of his career.
[laughter]
When the assists
weren't coming as fast
and Michael Jordan
was coming up.
He was coming down,
and they--they said,
"Listen, hey.
Listen.
"Magic.
We got an HIV problem, okay?
"People are afraid of HIV.
"But who do they love?
Magic.
We're prepared to give you
$25 billion."
[laughs]
"The keys to Starbucks."
[laughter]
"And the Dodgers and the
Lakers. Take them both.
You just gotta wear
this badge forever."
And he took it.
Now, listen.
Maybe I'm wrong.
But it does make sense.
All I'm saying is don't be
surprised if LeBron James
at the end of his career
announces that he has ebola.
[laughter]
Hey, y'all.
Is this on?
Hey, I'm--Hey, I'm LeBron,
and I'd like to announce
my retirement from
the NBA due to my fact
that I have contracted ebola.
I don't wanna get
into the details.
Me and my family,
we ask for your prayers.
Luckily, little Zhuri,
she's safe.
She didn't get the ebola.
Just me.
[laughter]
The point is,
you got to be food woke.
[laughter]
That's the point
I'm making here, people.
You got to be food woke.
Now, listen.
I'm not a vegan.
I'm not a vegetarian.
I'm not a veterinarian.
I'm just... food woke.
I know what's good, you know?
I was vegan for, like,
two months.
And it was good.
I felt amazing.
Like, I don't even know how
to brag about how good I felt.
But I will say that my, uh...
going to the bathroom game
was incredible.
Like, when I'm not vegan,
it's bad.
I sit down there
and it's like me and Jesus.
Heavenly Father,
get it up out.
Get it up out my stomach.
The Satan, it's stuck.
The Devil is in my stomach.
Get it out, Lord Jesus.
If you could just move it up
out my system.
What sin must I stop doing
tomorrow for you to take
the pain out of my stomach
right now, Lord?
I'll do it all.
I'll stop cussing.
I'll stop lying.
I'll put down the weed.
Whatever it takes,
take the pain.
I'll be sounding like Tyrese.
What more do you want from me?
Heavenly Father, this has been
my whole lunch break.
[laughter]
Get me out of here.
Just holding onto the walls
and whatnot.
Oh, oh, goodness.
I'm having a baby.
[laughter]
When I was vegan,
in and out.
Just like--
[grunts]
Didn't even have time
to get on Instagram.
You know?
That fast.
Boo-boo in and out, like,
"Damn, boo-boo.
"We used to hang out.
We used to talk.
"We used to kick it
for a little bit.
You got places to go?"
I'm food woke, though.
So, yeah, you know.
Some people do cocaine
on the weekends.
I have bacon.
We're both like, "Fuck it."
You know what I'm saying?
Like, it's Coachella.
We're living life.
[laughter]
But I know what's good.
Y'all gotta be food woke, man.
For real.
But, at the end of the day...
I appreciate seeing so many
diverse people here, man.
This is a very positive image
right now.
Hope the cameras catch
all these different races
and people of different
backgrounds chilling here.
Enjoying comedy.
'Cause we haven't seen that
right now.
In the media,
they wanna show us divided.
They wanna show division.
That's what's hot right now.
You know?
They wanna show these
Charlottesville
White Lives Matter rallies
and whatnot.
And it's like, we ain't
all tripping like that.
First of all, that
Charlottesville business
was crazy.
That, like--That is just, like,
a bunch of angry people.
It looked like all
the angry people
from the YouTube comments
took it offline and said,
"Let's go to Charlottesville."
[laughter]
Like, that's crazy, man.
I don't even understand the--
the ideology behind
White Lives Matter.
Like, they do.
Like, y'all survive
scary movies.
Like, there's--it was two white
quarterbacks versus each other
in the last Super Bowl.
They matter.
Statistically, y'all winning.
Relax.
You're still ahead.
If anything, it should--
it shouldn't be so tense.
Those rallies should be happy.
It should be like
a championship parade.
Just a bunch of white people
yelling, "Scoreboard!"
Like...
[laughter]
But all this tiki torch
business, why?
Why all the anger?
[laughter]
Like, honestly, tiki torches?
For real?
Like, if the power ain't out,
or you ain't in a cave...
you don't need no tiki torch.
Unless literally you're on
an island at an airport
greeting people
as they get off a plane.
Doing this.
[laughter]
That's the only time
tiki torches should be allowed,
is if you're doing this.
If you're holding a tiki torch
and you're just standing still,
you're racist.
You're a racist piece of shit.
[laughter]
But if you're doing this,
I'm gonna be like, "My nigga.
"What's up?
"All right, is this
what we doing?
"Is this the new shit?
"That's a cool dude.
"What's your name,
little twisty dude?
"What's your name?
"That's a cool dude
right there, man.
You going to the club
after this?"
Squiggle, squiggle, squiggle.
[laughter]
I will say this, though.
I did enjoy the fact that
Charlottesville and these
White Lives Matter rallies,
they show an alternate image
of angry protesters.
Because they like to put this
whole rioting narrative
on the black community.
Like that's our thing.
And, like, rioting
is not a black thing.
Resilience is a black thing.
Overcoming the odds
is a black thing.
Fried chicken, barbecuing,
do-rags, that's black shit.
But riots, that's not
our thing, okay?
That's not--It's--And it's
not like we wanna do it.
'Cause I don't like in the news
when they're talking about
these cases and these verdicts
that are about to come out
that are always like,
"The verdict will be read
"at 4:00 p.m.
We'd advise you to stay inside.
"Board up your windows.
Evacuate the city, if you can."
Like it's some kind
of hurricane warning.
It's like,
rioting is not plan A.
It's plan C.
Plan A is telling America,
"Hey.
Uh, there's some messed up
stuff going on."
And we hope they hear it.
Plan B is showing footage
of the messed up stuff
we have been talking about
and we hope that's digested.
But if plan A don't work
and plan B don't work...
[groans]
[laughter]
We gonna have to
burn something.
[laughter]
But just know we not chilling
watching the TV like, "Ooh,
"let it be guilty.
"No, dawg.
Take off your Jordans.
It might go down."
Like, no.
That's not the case, man.
We're not chilling
at the family barbecue like,
"Hey, dawg, you know what
we ain't done in a while?"
"What, Marquese?"
"Nigga, riot.
"You married.
He in college.
I'm juggling these mixtapes."
[laughter]
"We just don't have time to get
out there like we used to.
"Remember back in the day?
"We used to just burn it down.
Are we old now?
Is this what 30 feels like?"
[laughter]
Now, I--I'm not a rioter,
or one who riots.
Too much smoke.
I got asthma, you know?
It gets in between me
and my message.
I can't even get the full
slogan out, you know?
So what I like to do is, uh,
let the rioters do their thing
and then when they go to sleep,
then I hit the streets,
go to racist people's cars,
and take off their current
registration sticker.
[laughter]
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not gonna fuck up
your property.
I'm gonna fuck up your day.
I'm gonna send you to the DMV.
'Cause black lives matter.
And then I'm gonna key
your shit.
[laughter]
'Cause I be mad,
but I don't wanna, like,
be a riot person,
but I do wanna strike back.
I don't know.
I just wanna be, like,
a petty rioter.
Like, next time somebody does
some messed-up stuff,
shoots some unarmed black dude,
I'm gonna be mad,
but I'm not gonna burn
the city down.
I'm just find the house of that
cop and break in
and take their best wine.
[laughter]
And throw it in the freezer.
You know?
I'm gonna just mess up
their next celebration.
Grab the wine, honey.
[screams]
[laughter]
There's our anniversary
out the window.
I'm just, I'm in
the bushes like, "Nigga."
[laughter]
It's hard out here, man.
It is.
And I have a lot of friends.
I have a lot of friends.
They like using the phrase,
"Fuck the police."
And I get it.
I had a uncle who was killed
by a police officer.
No joke.
Real talk.
Albert Williams,
my dad's brother.
Killed by a police officer.
That's an uncle
I never got to meet.
That's a lifetime of birthday,
Christmas,
and graduation presents
I never received.
Because of the cops.
He could have been
the rich uncle.
Or, like, the pimp uncle.
You know the little
pimp uncles?
Who just say the wrong thing
at the wrong time?
Come at you at Thanksgiving.
Hey, young blood,
when you're going down
on a girl...
if you can't breathe,
you're doing it right.
[laughter]
Just remember that.
I'm nine.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
What?
Uncle Albert's so crazy.
He told me to hold my breath.
I don't--Mom,
Uncle Albert's being crazy.
I don't--He told me
when I go down--
I don't know.
I don't know.
[laughter]
Mom be like, "Albert,
get your ass over here."
"What? What?
"The nigga gonna do it
at some point.
"The nigga gonna do it
at some point, right?
"You gotta prepare the nigga.
Each one teach one.
"Come on, now.
You gonna get on me?"
[laughter]
So I get it.
Fuck the police.
At least the police who were
involved in killing my uncle.
Fuck them.
Wherever they at.
I hope they trip
and skin their knee.
Right now.
Just--Just right now.
I hope they in life just like,
"Oh, God damn it."
[grunts]
"Shit.
"What the hell?
What the hell?
"How that--How'd that happen?
"Baby, I done skinned my knee.
"I did--I was--I was asleep.
"I was asleep.
"I fell out the bed
and skinned my knee.
"It felt cosmical.
It felt spiritual.
"I feel so guilty right now.
"Don't--You know what?
"Don't even put
the first aid on it.
I'm gonna just take the pain."
[laughter]
My point is I get it.
I understand the phrase,
"Fuck the police.
But here's what
I tell my homies.
When you're
getting pulled over,
you can't have
"fuck the police" energy.
You can't.
You gotta put it away.
You gotta act.
You gotta put that
in your pocket.
Put it in your sock
next to the weed.
Something.
You gotta get it out of there.
You gotta get it out of there.
Like, me, when I
get pulled over,
I'm respectful.
But sometimes
that's not enough.
You still might get shot up.
So now I'm taking it further.
I'm doing like you ladies.
Next time I--Next time
I get pulled over,
I'm flirting aggressively.
[laughter]
I'm hitting on the cops.
I'm touching their face.
[laughter]
This is me getting pulled over.
[mimics emergency siren]
Excuse me, Officer Handsome.
Was I swerving?
Maybe I was lost in those
blue-ass eyes of yours.
Officer Channing Tatum.
Okay.
Look at the facial structure.
Look at the facial structure.
Blue eyes matter.
I see you.
Okay.
Quick question.
Is this bulletproof vest
or bulletproof chest?
Okay. I see you.
CrossFit, you signed up.
Hey, little body camera.
I see you seeing me
seeing you seeing me.
Looking like a snack.
Okay, officer, with your
tig-old shoulders.
All right.
I see you.
Got your dents all out,
looking all wide.
You hear what I'm saying?
Hella wide.
[laughter]
Look here, officer.
I don't know what I did,
but I'm gonna fight it
so I can see you again.
[laughter]
Now, listen, this--
this is just theory.
I've never tried it out.
[laughter]
But I feel like it's gonna go
one of two ways.
Either the officer is gonna be,
uh, straight or homophobic,
in which case
he'll be weirded out.
Hey, stop staring at my dick
like that.
Uh, get out of here
with a warning.
Just stop speeding.
Please.
Or he's gonna be gay and...
we gotta see where it goes.
[laughter]
We gotta--We gotta date this
dude for a couple weeks.
You know?
[laughter]
Yeah, yeah.
Now--Now you got a main chick
and a side cop.
[laughter]
You over here telling
your homeboys,
"Yeah, listen, I would
play ball with y'all,
"but I--I gotta go hang
with Officer Harrison.
We're about to Netflix
and chill and watch "Bad Boys."
[laughter]
Now I gotta really
fuck the police.
[laughter]
Y'all come to the after-party.
[laughs]
Like, let's go somewhere.
Let's do something, huh?
Let's go to the club and pool
all our money together.
[laughter]
And win.
And just win somewhere.
Just ball out.
Like...
[laughter]
Four bottles, 100 people.
[laughter]
Just winning.
'Cause that's the thing.
I be--I be wanting to go out.
But, like, I don't have
the money to win
the way I wanna win.
I promise you,
three straight birthdays,
I went to the club
with my closest friends.
We put our money together.
And we would pop a bottle.
[laughter]
Now, the phrase
is popping bottles.
Not bottle.
You ain't never
heard a rapper--
♪ We in the club
popping bottle ♪
[laughter]
♪ We in the club
with one bottle ♪
♪ Just one, moderation ♪
Like...
♪ You spending money,
no, no, no ♪
♪ We saving money ♪
[laughter]
♪ One bottle, ah, ah ♪
♪ Ten niggas ♪
Like, that ain't a song.
No one's in the studio
making that.
'Cause it's too much pressure.
'Cause once that bottle
runs out,
they will usher you back
to where?
Regular P.
The regular section.
Where no one cares about you.
So now you have to check
your homeboy.
You might have to
get disrespectful.
Contrel.
That's a lot of gulps, brother.
What did we talk about
in the car?
Sip, song, song, sip.
Song, song, sip.
Why you deviating
from the game plan?
'Cause you tipsy?
Grow up.
Someone get Contrel
out of here.
Barack's DJing.
We can't even have fun.
He's saying, "Yes, we can."
And, nigga, we can't.
I'm James Davis.
That's my time.
I appreciate y'all.
[cheers and applause]
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
It's lit.