Jailbait (2000) - full transcript

God, isn't he adorable?

He's my boyfriend, and we're
going to be married and have kids...

and go to college together
someday.

If you overlook the story of
our excruciating senior year,

he's the ultimate
future husband.

Hi, I'm adam fisher. I'm a
senior over at the high school.

Go hogs!

I know this is a bit early
to ask you this,

since this is the first time
we met and all,

but it's real important to me to be the
kind of guy that god wants me to be.

You see, the one thing
I'm really struggling with...



is if doing it is so bad,

why did god make it
feel so good?

Hey, how's it going?

Um, ladies,

maybe you should stop by
the new members' reception...

at reverend lemko's office.

He kind of referred me to you, since,
like, you're the youth pastor and all.

Ladies, please.

Where you girls going?

Maybe you should try
the church down the street.

Wednesday night, 8:00.

Church at night? Cool.

Hey, could I bring a date?

Okay, so adam was
at an impasse about sex,



but I completely understood.

Could I bring two dates?

All his friends were
having a lot of sex.

Apparently, that's what
high school was invented for.

But everyone knows that sex isn't
any fun when you're not married.

You need a lifelong commitment
so that there's real intimacy.

That's what my father says.

You see, I'm smart. I'm waiting until
we're married to give myself to adam.

And despite the large amount
of sex that occurs in high school,

I knew I was making
the right choice.

They don't look like
they're having any fun at all.

Okay! Enough!

Adam understood exactly
how I felt about this.

He loved that I was
pure and virginal.

My stock value was very,
very high at our school.

We were
the most popular seniors.

And also very in love.

And you got to admit,
we do look good together.

Yeah, that's me, amber.

The future mrs. Adam.

We were the best looking, best
dressed, most popular students in school.

We'd been going steady
since the tenth grade,

and except for adam's occasional
flirting, we've never had any problems.

I'm not trying to brag,
but everybody loved us.

Life was perfect.

Then one dark fall afternoon
at the local little chicken,

my poor boyfriend was
tricked into ruining it all.

I knew he couldn't help it.

He was a victim, really.

She lived in a trailer. She knew
how to confuse his young mind.

I mean, look at her.

I'd almost do her.

Most girls would dump their
boyfriends for something like this,

but I knew that he was weak
and just couldn't help it.

Oh, baby! Oh, yes! Ohh!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Chocolate sundae, extra cream.

Well?
Did you do her, bro?

You know I don't hump and tell.

Oh, my god, you did her.

Don't tell anybody, okay?

Amber would be pissed off
if she found out.

Dude, we won't tell a soul.

We won't say a thing.
Not a word.

Dude, he did her
in the bathroom at the diner.

I mean, she was like...

Totally hot.

I think she's a sophomore.

Come on, dude, push! This is
gonna be his greatest birthday ever.

We're gonna get so ripped!

Did you here about adam
and that sophomore slut?

Oh, I know.

I can't believe
he's doing this to amber.

Does amber have a clue
what's going on?

I don't think so.
Poor amber.

Poor amber.

Poor amber.

Poor...
poor...

hello!
Amber!

Uh, surprise!
Surprise!

For me?
Happy birthday!

Hey, big guy!
You're eighteen!

Oh, thanks, man.
You're the best!

Happy birthday, bro!
Happy birthday, man!

Surprise!

Hi!

But as cute as he is,

I've always been able to control
my own sexual impulses.

No matter how hard he tried,

I held my ground.

Adam and ginger continued to
see each other behind my back.

So, amber, are you
gonna give adam...

something extra special
for his birthday?

Well, I'm definitely going
to tease him a little bit.

What do you mean, "tease him"?

Um, it's what I always do.

It's called "exercising
my womanly ways."

I felt safe knowing that adam
loved me and would always be mine,

unaware that ginger was
sucking him into a lustful abyss.

As agonizing as it was
for adam, it couldn't last.

Besides, ginger already had
a steady boyfriend,

and he was scheduled for
parole in a few short months.

I got a boyfriend

he's a bad boy

he's my favorite

he's my joy

I got a boyfriend

danger boy

I don't know why I'm showing you
this scene right now,

but I bet if your a boy,
you're paying attention now.

Really close attention.

"And I can't wait till we're
together at last, once more.

"Being apart is so painful.

P.s. I really miss
your huge tool."

Isn't she the sweetest thing?

Definitely a keeper.
Oh!

Oh, but ginger and adam would
soon pay the price for their sins.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

- Thirty more seconds.
- What are you two doing?

Oh, nothing, mom.

Well, then get your lazy asses out to the
freakin' store and pick me up cigarettes.

Sure, okay.

Just do it now!

- C'mon!
- Menthol!

It's blue!

Blue means I'm pregnant,
you dumb ass!

It's blue.

Damn!

Oops!

Look, maybe it was
something you ate. You think?

Yeah, like bad corn
or something like that.

No, because I didn't eat anything
today. What're we going to do?

Can't we get rid of it?

Sure, if we had 400 bucks.

400? There must be
some kind of home kit.

No, I don't think so.

C'mon.
How hard can it be?

Mmm. Kind of tangy.

You're not supposed to like it.

Well, I am pregnant.

Do you feel anything?
What am I supposed to feel?

I don't know.
Something dropping.

I don't think so.
Aw, damn!

Maybe if you punched me in the stomach
or threw me down a flight of stairs.

Well, my mom would get mad if
you marked up the walls and stuff.

C'mon, let's keep trying.

When all their options ran out,

adam decided to do the right thing
and tell his understanding parents.

So, ginger, it's always nice to
meet a new friend of adam's.

Actually, we're more
than just friends.

Adam, aren't you and amber
still going steady?

Oh, yeah, sure, but ginger
and I aren't going out.

We're just doing it.

You do realize this isn't
very christ-like behavior.

Jesus would definitely
not approve.

Honey, I don't mean
to be hard on you,

but Jesus was against
sex for pleasure.

Except in the movie I saw
on cable with david bowie,

where Jesus slept
with this chick.

Lucky bastard.

I can't believe your mother
lets you watch such filth.

Actually, my mom doesn't
really care what I do,

although my being knocked-up
might get a rise out of her.

What?

Oh, I'm pregnant. You know,
like mary was with Jesus,

except I know who the father is.

Dear lord!

Jeez, honey, are you okay? Mom?

Yes. I just need
a little air.

Look, mom, dad,

I know this might not be the
best timing, but can I have $400?

Four hundred dollars?
What in the world for?

Well, ginger and I, we
wanted to take care of the baby.

Honey, I don't mean
to burst your bubble,

but it's going to take a lot more
than $400 to take care of the baby.

Well, how much is it
going to cost then?

There are so many things
to consider:

Food, clothing, diapers.

We were thinking it would
be cheaper if we didn't...

Oh, ginger, don't you
worry about the cost.

Adam's father and I will
do whatever we can to help.

A baby is a gift from god.

A bundle of pure joy.

Even if it is a bastard.

And I'm sure your parents will feel
the same way, won't they, honey?

Maybe your mother will
be happy to hear the news.

Yeah, right.
You don't know my mom.

She's a complete psycho.

What about your stepdad?

He's queer.

No way!

Way.

He lives in queens
with his boyfriend.

Wow!

They have their own city
and everything?

She's gonna be so pissed.

Look, you saw how well
my parents took it. I mean...

Maybe your mother will
take it better than you think.

You're what?

I'm pregnant.

Well, you good for nothing,

leg spreading,
over-ovulating little slut!

I hate you.

Whore!

Bitch!

I'm gonna kill you.

Let's go!

Hell-bound hussy!

I'm gonna gut you like a fish,

and weave your intestines
into macrame!

She's crazy.
What are we gonna do now?

I don't know. You're the man.
Aren't you gonna do something brave?

Yeah, yeah!

I'm gonna get you, you whore.

You...

You molesting son of a...

Get away from...

Get of my house,
you little lusty scumbag!

You whore!

You little hell-bound hussy!

Let me go!
Get away from me!

She's my friggin' daughter!
I can kill her if I want to!

I made her!

You! You impregnating molester.

You ought to be arresting him.

He knocked up my baby!

It's a good thing your neighbor
heard you and called us.

Oh, god. This time was the worst.
I really thought we were goners.

It must have been pretty
scary for you kids, huh?

Yeah, it was a good thing I
was there to protect her. Right.

Are we free to go now, officer?

Actually, we need this little lady to
come down, speak to social services.

Do I have to?

We need to get you checked
out, miss, for the baby and all.

So how far along are you?

Huh?

You have any idea when
the baby was conceived?

When did you knock her up?

Oh. Well,
I'm not sure, really.

Maybe it was that first time we
did it back at the little chicken.

- Or at your birthday party.
- Your birthday party?

Yeah. The big one-eight. Now I'm
old enough to get drunk in canada.

So you think it's one of
those two occasions, huh?

Maybe it was that time
when we did it in the mall.

Or when rocky let us use
his parents' hot tub.

Or that time when we were in
the back row of the movie theater.

All right, all right!

We'd better get going.

Wait. Will you
come down with me, please?

I'll... you in the cop car.

I'll take a rain check.

Get him in here!
I want to kill him!

Ginger's mother continued
to be unreasonable...

so adam was quick
to lend a helping hand.

Here we are.

It's no problem, honey. You stay
with us until things calm down at home.

Just try not to steal anything.

That's very nice of you,
mrs. Fisher.

Well, after all, you are carrying
our first illegitimate grandchild.

That makes you
one of the family now.

Heartwarming, isn't it?

A total moment
for the family album.

Adam would soon suffer the
full consequences of his actions.

But for now, he remained
blissfully ignorant,

as you can see by
this dream sequence.

Baby, hit her one more time.
Please.

Do you think about us

and makin' love

do you wanna get with me with me

when you think about me

when you think about me

when you think about me

do you think about us

falling in love

do you wanna get with me with me

when you think about me

do you think about us

and makin' love

do you wanna get with me with me

when you think about me

do you think about us

you wanna get with me

tell me, tell me
am I on your mind

all of the time

let me know, let me know
let me know, let me know

if you wanna be my man
then take me by the hand

all day all I wanna do
is spend time with you

all night I know you
wanna get with me too

do you think about me the way
that I think about you

you treat me right
like nobody else can do

when you think about me

when you think about me

when you think about me

do you think about us

when you think about me

do you think about us

when you think about me

do you think about us

adam fisher?

Adam fisher?

Adam fisher, please come
to the principal's office.

Adam fisher.

What'd you do this time, adam?

Just when the fishers thought that
the only thing they had to worry about...

was some missing flatware,
whoo! Adam's in trouble.

Things took a disastrous turn.

Great. Here we go again.

Hey, amber.
What?

Hey, what's it going
to be this time?

Maybe a tonsil inspection in the
nurse's office? Not this time, adam.

This time, the principal actually
does need to see you in his office.

Why? What's up? I
don't know. You tell me.

Some guys went in there, and then he
buzzed me and asked me to call you down.

Adam fisher?
Yeah?

Mr. fisher, I'm detective granger
from the gatlin police department.

We need you to come down
to the station with us. Why?

I'm afraid we're gonna have to arrest
you on suspicion of statutory rape.

Do you think I did it
with a statue?

Mr. fisher, you have the right
to remain silent, I'm innocent.

Anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.

If you cannot afford an attorney,
one will be provided for you.

Do you understand your rights?

Hey, bro, what's going
on? I'm not exactly sure.

They're taking me to the big
house. Yeah? What did you do?

It's got something
to do with statues.

Statutory rape. Underage
sex is a very serious crime.

Look, do me a favor and don't
tell amber about the cops and all.

He's so busted.

You can go to jail
for banging a sophomore?

Hi. You've reached the fishers'.
Please leave a message.

This is the operator
with a collect call...

from the gatlin county jail
from adam.

Will you accept the charges?

All right, fisher, the
lieutenant wants to talk to you.

You can use that phone to call your
parents while I finish with this report.

My parents are out of town
until tomorrow.

They're at the "up with
Jesus" festival in ohio.

Do you have any
other family in the area?

There's my girlfriend. Why
don't you give her a call then?

Well, I don't know.
She's kind of moody.

Listen, I'm going to have
to put you in the lockup then.

- It's up to you.
- I'm gonna mess you up.

I'm gonna mess you up.
I'm gonna mess everybody up!

I'm gonna grab you by the eyeballs
and snap your head like a chicken!

You have to talk
into the microphone.

Oh.

Well, anyways, adam, what
the hell is going on here?

I mean, I hope you're not
touching anything back there.

No, no, I'm not, amber.

Look, it's all
a misunderstanding.

Good. I should hope so. I feel
like I'm in dead man walking here.

What did you do?

You see...

I sort of saw this girl
a couple of times.

What?
And for some reason,

because I'm 18 now,
and she's still 15...

Wait. You were
seeing a sophomore?

Kind of. See, she moved in
with us the other day...

because we were
telling her... what?

I kind of got her pregnant.

Ow!

You okay?

Just... just tell me
you don't love her.

Look, I don't even like her.
I love you.

I need you so bad.

I promise I've learned
the error of my wicked ways.

I've made a lot of
mistakes. I know that.

But right now,
what I need most is...

is your forgiveness.

Oh, and can you find my parents
and tell them to get me a lawyer?

Chuck very well could have
been the fishers' first mistake.

Well, second.

Adam. I'm chuck clopperman.

Hi, mr. Clopperman.

Please, call me chuck.

Adam, your parents have hired me
to represent you in the matter at hand.

I want you to rest assured that
you are in good hands now, son,

and there's nothing
to be worried about.

How much longer will
I have to be in here?

There's ultimate fighting
on pay-per-view tonight.

Well, fortunately for us then,

we were able to schedule your
arraignment for this afternoon.

I'm going to ask the judge to release
you on your own... recognizance.

So I'll have you out of here
by 6 p.m. at the latest, pal.

No problem.

Your request for
reduction of bail is denied.

Bail is set at $20,000.

Well, that didn't go too bad.

Didn't go too bad? I thought you
said you'd get him out on his word.

Now I've got to put
the house up for collateral.

Al, it's not like the kid's
going to hightail it to costa rica,

so I think we're okay.

Oh, on to other
important matters.

I want you to come by my office in the
morning so we can discuss p.r. strategy.

P.r.?
Yeah.

How we're going to handle the inevitable
throngs of reporters, cameras, lights,

talk show appearances.

Oh, my.

Uh, can I get
you folks anything?

Water? Finger jell-o?

Coffee?
No, thank you.

Why don't you take a pen?

Take a pen.
No, come on, take a pen.

Well, just one. Thanks.

And I just love
your wood paneling.

It's very classy.

Wood warms up the room,
don't you think? Honey?

Chuck, we're kind of
in the dark here.

What exactly are we looking at?

I've been up all night and I think
I've come up with a fail-proof strategy.

Perception.
It's all about perception.

I mean, today,
with the media outlets,

the internet, you know, the
dishes, all that kind of stuff,

what really matters is
people's perception.

Take a look at that whole
jonbenet affair. You remember that?

Oh, brother!
Now that's one lady...

who needs to have a
heart-to-heart with her maker.

Lots of people think that patsy
ramsey did a bad thing. Why?

Someone cut the cheese?

Oh. That was me.

I'll tell you why.

'Cause that woman didn't
have the proper spin.

I mean, if that woman had
had better handling, huh?

I mean, even if she
shed a tear or two,

I'll tell you, we'd be
calling her a saint...

and giving her her
pick of croatian orphans.

Oh. He's going to hell.

The public is going to believe
anything that we tell them.

Isn't it great? Huh?

Isn't that a sin?

Anyway, we... we digress.

There we go.
What's this?

This is the strategy.
You read, don't you?

There.

We are gonna tell everyone how
much adam and ginger are in love.

But I love amber.

Not anymore you don't.

He loves amber.
She's a lovely girl.

People, people,
trust me, trust me.

We follow my game plan,

nothing will get in the way
of our victory.

Unfortunately for adam,

chuck was not the only one
hatching a plan.

Iydia stone, assistant d.a.
and wannabe mayor,

was about to make adam the
poster child for her election campaign.

What the hell do you
expect me to do about it?

You're my campaign advisor.
Advise me, you little maggot.

Well, part of the problem is
that, as an assistant d.a.,

you don't have
the highest of profiles.

We need to find a way
to draw attention to you,

and your new look just
isn't cutting it anymore.

We need an issue.

An issue?
Yes.

We need people to think that
you're passionate about something.

I am passionate about...
Other than being mayor.

Oh. I'm sure we'll
come up with something.

It's just an issue.
How hard can it be?

Okay, issues.
Issues, issues, issues.

Well, help me out here.
What are some issues?

Well, this is america. They're
endless. There's gun control.

Against it.

Prostitution.
For it.

Teenage pregnancy.
Oh, please!

Don't get me started
on teenagers. What now?

There's all these files involving
delinquent teenage crap.

Statutory rape.
He's 18, she's 15 and pregnant.

This could work.

What?
This is perfect.

Sex offenders.
I love sex offenders!

You could be against them. Okay.

Are you sure this is an issue
people really care about?

Iydia, this is the bible
belt, they're gonna love it.

Okay.

This isn't the bible belt,
you moron.

But they don't know
that. No, they don't.

Oh, I'm gonna throw the book
at this kid.

Ah!
Oh. Young adult.

Thank you.

Guilty.

Say it. Guilty!
Guilty!

While lydia plotted
the young adult's future,

adam met with
the youth pastor...

to work out the more important
issues of his now complicated life.

I know we can still do it, and it
won't get into the baby's face,

but I'm trying to figure out what
to do from a religious perspective.

Ginger finally had
some positive role models,

not that it helped.

Are you on friggin' crack?

Ginger, honey,

we don't use language
like that at the dinner table.

I don't love you.
I love johnny.

Yeah, I know, okay?
I don't love you either.

It's just a perception thing
for all the stupid people.

Chuck's sure it'll get me off.

But johnny's getting paroled
in a couple of months.

Ginger, all we
have to do is lie.

Whoa!
Lying is a sin, adam.

We're embellishing.

So whether you love ginger,
mary ann or the professor,

it really doesn't matter.

Here, honey, I know
how much you like wieners.

We're running
out of options, here.

You guys at least
like each other, right?

Hmm. I never really
even thought about it.

I mean, he just gives me
really good bone.

Honey?

Yeah?

You know, son, I...

I feel partially responsible
for what's happened.

Cool. Thanks, dad.

It's obvious you know all about
the birds and the bees, huh?

Yeah.

But there are...

alternatives.

What do you mean?

It's called...

masturbating.

Dad...

it's nothing to be
embarrassed about, son.

Come on.
I'll show you how.

I didn't get these calluses
working in the garden.

Come on. We'll do it together.
Dad, I already know how.

Then why aren't you doing it?

I do.

Well, then why aren't you
doing it more often?

Whenever you get the urge,
just politely excuse yourself,

whip it out
and wake up mr. Floppy.

Don't tell your mother, but I
think the quickest way to heaven...

is with half a jar of petroleum
jelly and a chamois leather glove.

For god sakes, son,
just leave these girls alone.

Just for the time being,
okay? Eh?

Yeah.

All right, slugger?

Oh, and, son, one more thing.

Let's keep this little talk
just between ourselves, okay?

Your mother, she...
She wouldn't understand.

Uh, dad?

Yeah.
Ow!

Al? I'm already lotioned.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go buff the pig.

Okay, dear.

Morning, honey.
Hey.

Looks like somebody got up
on the right side of the bed.

Oh, yeah.

Good morning, you two.

Mom, what's up?

We're putting on some scenes from
the bible for the church preschool.

I'm a stoning victim.
Pancakes?

No time for breakfast
this morning, honey.

But, al, I made
the happy face pancakes.

You know,
with the chocolate chips.

You kids remember everything you're
supposed to say and do in school?

Yeah, no sweat.

You look great, mom.

I'm stoned.

Sadly, adam was forced to
pretend that he really liked ginger.

He's a really good actor.

If you really loved me,
you'd be carrying my books.

Eww. So do we have to
be friends with her now?

Adam!

Uh-oh.

Look, I... I need
to talk to you, baby.

What are you doing
with this ho-bag?

Hey!
Eww!

Just come here.
Where are we going?

If you weren't the most
popular guy in high school,

I would so be
breaking up with you.

Baby, will you just
listen to me for one second?

Ginger and I have to pretend
that we're dating and in love.

Come on. You expect me
to believe that?

What kind of moron would
tell you to do that? Chuck did.

I'm sorry. Was I talking to
you? No, I don't think I was.

Well, he did.
My lawyer said...

that if everyone
thinks that I'm innocent,

I could get off.

Haven't you gotten off
enough already?

Baby, I love you.

That is not the plan.

You make my heart sing
with the sound of music.

Yeah, I already have
a boyfriend.

And he treats me real good.

How nice for you.
You can have adam.

This is just so
we can get a settlement.

Settlement?

Chuck said that if we
get through this part,

we'll be able to sue the state or the
president or something and get cash.

He did.

Really?

Like how much are we
talking about here?

Like a whole truckload.

Hmm.

This will make me look
really, really stupid.

Who cares if it's gonna
make you look stupid?

I do!

What if I get chuck
to put a spin on the story?

Would that make you feel better?

Hmm. Well, how long
until we get the money?

As soon as adam gets off and I
have my baby, then I'm so out of here.

Besides, johnny already has a
trailer picked out for the both of us.

Aww. That's really great,
little whatever your name is,

except I don't care and
would you mind shutting up?

Because I wasn't talking to you!

Bitch.

What did you just call me?

I said "bitch."

The skankette had landed adam
in so much trouble.

The only place left
for him to go...

was a music-accompanied montage.

I've memorized the basics

making strange faces

swim slowly for I know

there's a thousand miles to go

without blinking

I gravitate spacewards

find a home for the head

from my basement

no darkness ever left

this is the noise
this is the sound

here comes the warm machine

as you know,
I'm running for mayor.

And this has nothing
to do with that.

This has to do with the staggering
speed at which our nation's morals...

are spiraling out of control.
Just stick to my script.

Or more simply put,
what is right and wrong.

What adam fisher did was wrong.

There was a time when we punished
such behavior with appropriate measures.

Unfortunately, castration has
been deemed cruel and unusual.

Therefore, I intend to seek the
harshest possible punishment...

under common
"criminal coddling" laws.

That is 40 years in
the state penitentiary.

Up the river.
Down the river.

The big house.

Thank you. Thank you
so much for your attention.

And remember, vote stone.

And I mean business.

Well, folks,
we've had a slight setback.

How much is this one
gonna cost me?

For some reason,
assistant d.a. stone...

is taking over
for the prosecution.

That crazy lady who's
running for mayor?

Why?
I don't know.

All I know is that she's
coming at us full force.

Bitch. Honey, not
in front of the kids.

It's true, ms. Stone is a
very aggressive prosecutor.

Great.
There goes the house.

So I'm up for a little
bigger of a challenge.

But nothing that I can't
handle, of course.

Chuck, I was just wondering,

is this trial thing gonna hurt adam's
chances of getting into a good college?

No, no.
His grades will do that.

Mrs. fisher, please.
I don't want you to worry.

I'm gonna do
everything in my power...

to make sure that adam
doesn't go to prison.

Prison?

That's worst case scenario,
folks. Worst case.

Chuck, what do you mean
by "prison"?

Well, uh,

unlawful sexual contact with a
child on more than three occasions...

is a class "b" felony and carries
a maximum penalty of... 40 years.

Forty years? All he did was
knock up this white trash slut!

Don't you think
we're overreacting here?

Girls today are practically
lining up to be...

Statutorily raped?
Yes!

Mr. fisher, I have given
this a lot of thought,

so you can all rest assured
knowing that adam is in my hands.

We appreciate
all your help, chuck.

We'd be lost without you.

Thanks, baby doll.

Oh, right.
There is one more thing.

Oh, jeez. I knew it. The bill.

Yeah. Apparently, ms. Stone found
out that ginger was living in your home...

because she filed a motion for a
no-contact order between adam and ginger.

Mr. fisher, you are to have no
further contact with this young lady,

who shall be referred to
from now on by her initials,

which are g.a.g.

yup. In my eyes,

the u.s. legal system
was working just fine.

Now adam and I were
happily together again,

and I wasn't about
to let him go astray.

Hi.

Look, I have to stop by
chuck's office after school.

Oh, great.
What for now?

I don't know.

That guy gives me the creeps.

Well, ginger thinks
he's kind of sexy.

Oh, yeah?

Well, ginger's brain
is also the size of a lego!

Adam! Adam!
Here he comes.

How does it feel, being forcibly
separated from the girl you love?

Will you abide
by the judge's decision?

Miss, what's your
relation to adam?

I'm...
A friend. Amber.

Amber is adam's
little lesbian friend,

here providing support
in this... his time of need.

I thought I told you
to come alone.

Adam will be making an official
statement just in a few minutes.

In the meantime, please
partake in the refreshments.

Oh. Hi,
mr. And mrs. Fisher.

Well, hello, sweetheart.

A lesbian?

What's with all the reporters?
All part of my master plan...

to get you off the hook, pal.

So, here.

This is a statement I've
prepared for you to read.

We really got to play up
that romeo and juliet aspect.

Hey, didn't they die at the end?

They do?

Wow. The case against you,
adam, is pretty strong.

It says here that you
slept with ginger some, uh,

thirty-nine times.

Oh, you...

What we've gotta do is raise
public support for your cause.

By the time I'm done,

the public will be
outraged at this unjust law...

that would separate and punish
two people simply for falling in love.

That sounds cool.

Oh, yeah.

Cool?

Cool?

All ginger and I ever wanted
was to be happy together.

We never meant to hurt anyone.

Now, we're being forced
to part at a time...

when she most needs
my love and attention.

But, still, I intend
to do whatever possible...

to provide for her
and our family.

Therefore, I will be dropping
out of school immediately...

Right on.

And will be getting a job so
that I might provide for our family.

Chuck, my dad already has a job.

Keep reading.

I also intend to ask ginger
for her hand in marriage.

That is all I have to say
at this time.

Thank you for your attention.

And, please, only one
doughnut per person.

Adam!
Where's ginger?

That's all, folks.
Thank you very much.

And please go
and spread the word.

Mom, do I really have
to marry ginger?

Honey, that is the right thing
to do. But I don't love her.

Lots of guys get married
to women they don't love.

I read that some women don't
have sex with their husbands...

because the men don't have a
clue how to bring them to orgasm.

But isn't it wrong to go telling
everyone I love her when I don't?

Sometimes it's okay
to tell little white lies.

Especially the ones that
can keep you out of prison.

How can it be okay to lie
about something so important?

Either love the little tramp...

or you're gonna be
getting some tough love...

from your cellmate
up at the state pen.

So think about that when bubba
says, "spot me in the weight room."

Yeah.

"Bubba"?

It's a generic
prison guy. Bubba.

Big, muscley,

southern?
And dominant.

While chuck's spin
was taking effect,

the real story took a turn as ginger found
herself in the hospital earlier than expected.

What do you have to do
to get a beer around here?

Naturally,
her mother was concerned.

Nurse jamison to the o.r.

dr. Moyle,
please report to pediatrics.

Dr. moyle to pediatrics.

I'll get it.

- Hello?
- Hi. I had a miscarriage.

What?
You heard me.

I had a miscarriage.

What happened?

I don't know. It just kinda it
came out before it was done.

Wow.

I guess it was god's way of telling
me I'm not ready to be a mother.

You think?

So are you gonna be okay
and all?

Yeah. The nurse said my
mom can only stay till 7:30.

Anyhow, I better
get off the phone.

My mom has to check in
with her parole officer.

Okay. Bye.
Bye.

Who was that, sweetie?

Ginger.

Oh, honey, she's not
supposed to call here.

That's a no-no.
Yeah, but...

don't talk back to your mother.

I think she should
do her hair differently.

My dad says
she's a la-la-lesbian.

That's why she's putting
the screws on adam.

Imagine. Keeping him
away from the girl he loves.

Well, the boy did behave
irresponsibly.

Have you no sense of romance?

How come inside scoop
doesn't want to interview me?

Tonight, on inside scoop,
the consequences of teen sex.

My client is a victim of love.

No more, no less.

Adam and ginger are very much
a modern day romeo and juliet.

Forced apart...
not by their families,

but by the very law that is meant
to ensure liberty to all citizens.

We are certain that the public will be
outraged at this miscarriage of justice.

Adam, tell me,
how does it feel...

knowing that you won't be able to be
with the one you love during her pregnancy?

Uh...

bad. Real bad.

Adam's a brilliant actor.

Like james van der beek
brilliance.

The whole community is backing
adam and ginger in their plight.

Behind me, you see
some avid supporters.

And also the local chapter
of the scouts...

is holding a spaghetti
dinner at the vfw,

and also the aclu
will have a car wash.

All this in the hopes
of raising money...

to help pay for adam fisher's
growing legal fees.

You can feel free to tell me...

this is just a dream
any time now.

We just have to sit
tight and ride it out.

Ride it out? The scouts
are involved, you moron.

We expected some of
this to happen. We did?

The media's portraying me as a
psychotic, power hungry, man-hating bitch.

It's not as bad as that.
Oh, no?

Has everyone completely
forgotten that he broke the law?

I really was trying to be calm.

But it's just very hard when the future you've
planned since meeting adam in 6th grade...

is in jeopardy.

Maybe you should take some
more of these. Oh, no, no, no.

Do not try
to change the subject.

Chuck says that you
should take those. Dick.

No, chuck.

Adam, if you marry her,

we are officially over.

All chuck wants to do
is keep me out of prison.

Prison? You're gonna go to
prison for knocking up that ho?

If all the guys that screwed her went to
prison, they'd have to add on another wing.

You think she sleeps around?

Ahem. Does ice melt?

Amber, you have to trust me when I say
that everything I'm doing here is for us.

I find that a little
hard to believe.

As soon as this is over, I'm gonna
divorce her and go back to school.

I can't believe
you dropped out of school.

Chuck thinks it'd look good
if I got a job.

We worked so hard to
raise your g.p.a. to a d-minus.

I know, but if I get a job, everyone will
think I want to take the responsibility.

I can't believe this is my life.

Isn't he smart?

He thinks of everything.

Boys and their cars.
I just don't get it.

Anyway, even though adam
was charged with a sex crime,

women from all over
now found him irresistible.

This did pose a moral quandary,

but it just reinforced
my affection for him.

You know, that's what happens
when other girls like your boyfriend.

Awesome! Some people
tell me I've got a bad attitude

'cause I grew up
learnin' to be rude

it feels good

that judge didn't say anything
about me contacting you, did he?

No, I guess not.

And...

my mom's over at bible study.

No. I just came over 'cause
I wanted to say good-bye.

Good-bye?

Yeah. I'm moving to new york
to live with my stepdad.

I thought you said he's a homo.

Well, he is,
but my mom's a freak.

Yeah, you got that right.

So I guess I won't be
seeing you around anymore.

No, but it's kinda better
that way, you know,

'cause everything's
gotten so crazy.

All we did was do the nasty.

So, do you want to do it again?

This kid doesn't screw
things up, I'm home free.

All right.

I'm home free.

I'm home free!

Who's home free?

Chuckie's home free, home free.

Chuck clopperman,
ladies and gentlemen!

Home free!

Chuckie's in the house.
Chuckie's in the house.

Chuckie's in the house.

Home free, as long as
that kid doesn't screw it up!

If chuck wasn't such a moron,

he'd have known the odds of
adam not screwing things up...

were pretty much
next to nothing.

Hello?

Adam, honey, I'm home!

Oh, my god, it's my mom.

Hey, sweetie!

Uh, hi, mom.

Can you go to the kitchen
for a second?

Well, yes, I can,
but why would I want to?

Well, I wanted
to ask you about...

Ask you about Jesus.

Yeah, I have some
Jesus-type questions for you.

Talk about perfect timing.

Brother thomas here
has come over for coffee.

He just finished seminary,

and he's heading out to teach
the heathens about Jesus.

Isn't that right, thomas?
Yes, ma'am.

I'm going to assume missionary
position for the congregation.

You mean, like,
during the service?

No. I'll be doing it
over in china.

Oh.

Why don't I whip up
some deviled eggs,

and you two can talk shop, okay?

Great.

All right.

Yeah.

Come on.

Gosh, it's so exciting going
to a foreign land. Oh, yeah.

You know, I bet they make some
great chinese food over there in china.

Actually, not.

Oh.

I can give you some macaroni
and cheese to take over there.

I might walk a little funny
but my walk is me

I might stutter when I talk
but I say what I see

I don't agree with every other
little thing that's proven

I do a lot of things
that I shouldn't be doin'

I ruin everything
you might've had in mind

I'm consistent, belligerent
solidified find

rhinestone freak suburban star

I ain't got no money
and I got no car

I don't know why I come here
but I know I'll never leave

it's the only place I wanna be

yeah, yeah, yeah

I know, but that
really did happen.

Ginger, don't they teach you anything
about safe sex out there in the boonies?

Dad, shut up.

Is it changing?

Are you sure
we did it right, honey?

Dad, trust me.
I have done this before.

You know, I am so nervous.

Oliver, why do you always
have to be such a drama queen?

Ginger, that's no way to
talk to your father, especially...

Oh!

We're gonna be grandparents!

I'll get to decorate the baby's room
and everything! It's gonna be so great.

Ginger, honey?

You heard me.
I'm preggers again.

Damn, I'm good.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Hey, it's not my fault.

Well, you are supposed
to wear a condom.

Yeah, and you were
supposed to remind me.

What's that in the background?

Oh, that's just
my stepdad and oliver.

Are they doing it?

No, you moron.

They're dancing around the room,
singing show tunes.

Whoa, rocky was right.

So, like, what are we
supposed to tell people?

Well, did you tell anyone but
your mom about the miscarriage?

Um, no.

Well, if we want a settlement,
we just won't say anything.

Nobody will know the difference.

Okay. Well, look, I gotta go.

Johnny's parole
hearing is in an hour. Bye.

Who was that, honey?

Uh, amber.

How is the little angel?

Fine.

You tell her to come over
for dinner soon. Ahem!

Uh, on second thought,
you better not.

Unless she's on her period.

Oh, look!
Reddi-wip's on sale!

You know how you love reddi-wip!

As the trial approached,
things got weirder and weirder.

I was forced to endure
more and more indignities.

Eww.

What does that
finger thing mean anyway?

Damn it.

Do you know what they're doing?

They're trying to
put a spin on our spin.

Yeah, well, don't you worry about that
because I'm gonna spin 'em right back.

I'm gonna nail that adam fisher,

and then I'm gonna nail
that chuck clopperman, too.

- Good!
- Are we ready?

Yeah.

Are we gonna win?
Oh, yeah!

Who's your honor?
You're my honor.

Call me your honor.
My honor.

- Your honor.
- Your honor.

- Your honor!
- Your honor.

Can I rock it

can I knock it

can I lick it, can I kick it
can I top it

you make me hazy
you drive me crazy

and maybe I don't know
what I can do

can I rock it

can I knock it

can I lick it, can I kick it
can I top it

you make me hazy
you drive me crazy

and maybe I don't know
what I can do

whoa!

Finally, the trial came.

Adam arrived at the courthouse
to a hero's welcome.

Jesus loves you!

Iydia stone was
a bit less fortunate.

Hello, gatliners.

God bless you,
ms. Stone!

Sister, hi, how are you?
God bless you.

He'll burn in hell!

What the hell is this?

Don't worry about it. They don't
look old enough to vote anyway.

Oh, my god.
Run for it!

Whereas the entrances
might've been expected,

the trial was anything but.

You may proceed, ms.
Stone. Thank you, your honor.

How old are you, g.a.g.?

Uh, my birthday is next week.

Uh, please just answer
the question, sweetie.

Oh. Fifteen and a half.

Fifteen and a half years old.

And, uh, do you
have a boyfriend?

Yeah, but he's in prison.

I object, your honor!
She's doing a thing!

Overruled.
I am not doing a thing.

I'm... overruled.

Well, she's... doing
a thing! I have ruled!

I'm not doing a thing.

Prison, miss g.a.g.?

Um, well...

Since we've been ripped
from each other's lives,

it seems like we're
in a type of prison.

I see.

Are you currently pregnant?

Yes.

Yes?

How terribly tragic, isn't it?

That a young girl does not havet he
chance to enjoy her teenage years.

But I am enjoying
my teenage years.

How do you think I got pregnant?

You know, I'm sorry, but I don't get why
everyone is so interested in adam and me.

I mean, you old people do
some pretty screwed-up stuff.

I read those papers in line
at the grocery store,

so I know what
I am talking about.

I mean, people are sniffing kool-aid
and hiring transvestite hookers!

And I'm not even going to mention
that cigar thing, and nobody cares.

So why is everyone getting into our
faces about getting it on a few times?

I mean, I like doing it.

And more importantly,
I wanted to do it.

And... adam's a really nice guy.

Not to mention really hung.
Okay, well, then!

Thank you, thank you.

Done with this one.
Thank you, your honor.

Mr. clopperman,
your witness.

Thank you.

Hi.

Here, honey.
You might need these.

Ginger, are you in love... please
refer to our underage witness...

by her initials,
mr. Clopperman.

Sorry.

G.a.g., are you in love?

Yes.

And even though
you're, uh, 15 and a half,

don't you feel like an adult?

Objection, your... objection!

Hello.
Sorry.

Leading the witness.
Sustained.

Fine. I will rephrase the
question, if it makes you happy.

Rephrase. Uh...

G.a.g.

ahem. How do you feel?

Well, other than some morning
sickness and occasional constipation...

- Mentally.
- Oh.

Old.

Old!

Old.

No further questions, your
honor. You may step down.

Please call the next witness.

Mr. fisher,
I believe that's you.

Let me remind you, mr. Fisher,
you are still under oath.

He knows.

If you would be so kind.

Y-yes, sir.

Hello, mr. Fisher. So you
admit to sleeping with g.a.g.

yes, ma'am.

On more than three occasions
between october 24 and november 26?

Well, a lot more.

And what were your ages
at this time?

I was 18.

18 years old!

And g.a.g.?

Oh! Did I say something
funny, mr. Fisher?

No, ma'am. I just realized
ginger's initials spell...

Oh, everyone knows
what they spell, mr. Fisher.

I am through with this young
adult. Thank you, your honor.

Mr. clopperman.

Present!

Oh.

So, uh, adam.

Uh, you and ginger
planned to ma... counselor!

That's the second time.

What? That's the
third time, your honor.

No, it's not. You're right.
It's the second time.

No, I'm right.
It's the third time.

Fine, whatever. Adam,

you and g.a.g., you plan
to marry, is that right?

Yes. We love each other
very much,

and want to be united
in god's eyes.

God's eyes.

God's... eyes.

So why did you two decide
not to marry, adam?

Uh, we, uh...

Uh...

no, wait. Uh...

- Objection, your honor!
- Objection to his objection!

Mr. clopperman, you're
doing the questioning.

I know that.

We didn't!

We... we didn't.
That's right.

The court ordered us
to be parted,

and we can no longer
see each other.

Our true love was... squashed.

- Quashed.
- Yeah. Quashed.

Have you seen g.a.g. since
the court tore you apart?

N-not really.

"Not really," your honor?

Answer the question
either yes or no.

No...

treally.

Your honor!
"treally"?

Will you repeat your
answer... "treally" means "no"!

Just one word.

No.

But...

but, well, I just
want to say that...

I know the people
who make the laws,

they have their reasons and all,

and I'm usually pretty good
at not breaking them.

Look, what I mean is,

I guess I kinda screwed up,

and... i'm sorry about that.

When mike muborn blew up the
chemistry lab trying to build dynamite,

and all he had to do
was pick up trash.

So I think it'd be a little unfair
if get locked away for 20 to 40.

Don't you?

I do!

Absolutely.

Adam, g.a.g. has testified that
she is pregnant with your baby.

Are you gonnaa
support that child?

Yes. Yes, I will.

That's very not guilty
of you, adam.

Your honor, please!
Strike that.

The jury will disregard
mr. Clopperman's last comment.

Sorry. I was just
thinking out loud.

No more questions, your honor.

You may step down.

Yes, sir.

Before I send you to deliberate,

let me remind you not to let
your emotions affect your decision.

If you think that adam fisher
committed the act three times with g.a.g...

before she reached
the age of 16,

you must find him guilty.

Okay, so my boyfriend knocked up
an underaged girl twice.

Does that mean he has to spend
my childbearing years behind bars?

I prayed that the jury
would see beyond the hype,

the sensationalism, the cheap,
tawdry details of adam's indiscretion...

and see his innocent,
giving soul.

We all nervously awaited
the verdict.

An artificial season

covered by summer rain

losin' all my reason

'cause there's nothin'
left to blame

well, he admitted sleeping
with her, right? Mm-hmm.

And she admitted she was 15.

And he admitted he
was 18, so... he's guilty.

He's guilty.

Shadows paint the sidewalk

a living picture in a frame

see the sea of people

all their faces look the same

so I sat down for a while

forcing a smile

adam was always trying
to do the right thing.

He was incapable
of doing anything else.

He was crying out for help.

But sometimes...

the distance you have
to walk to answer a door...

is just too far to go
to help someone.

Rev, are you in there?

That door is just...
too damn far.

This is stupid. Who here hasn't had
sex with a high school sophomore?

I sure have.

Well, I mean, when
we were in high school.

Right. Right.

Will the defendant please rise?

This court finds the defendant
guilty as charged.

Sentencing tomorrow at 3:00.

Man!

That totally sucked!

Guilty? Guilty?
Al, look, it's inside scoop.

Tv. Is my forehead shiny?

You said you could
get him off, no problem!

That's the last time
I hire a lawyer off tv!

No problem!
No problem!

The lord tells us
to turn the other cheek.

Well, screw that!

Justice was served.
I kicked ass!

I won! I won!
I'm gonna be mayor now!

Vote for stone. Thanks to
me, we're gonna be mayor.

Vote for stone.

Wait a minute.
What about me?

What about
the white picket fence,

the dinner parties, the minivan?

If he goes to prison, I may not
lose my virginity for 40 years!

They acted like he was a martyr,

like john the baptist
or kurt cobain.

That's when I began to wonder if
waiting to lose my virginity was silly...

when I had a real-life martyr
for a boyfriend!

A fuzzy pig and a
prayer for a predator.

Adam fisher stands to receive
up to 40 years in prison...

and will be forced to
register as a sexual predator...

for the rest of his life.

The whole country's prayers
are with adam fisher,

who, no doubt, tonight is spending
the evening in quiet contemplation.

I wonder if they'll let you come
have sex with me if I go to prison.

Let's not even think about that.

Well, if not, this might be our last
chance to be together for a long time.

Yeah.

Maybe we should make the
most of what little time we have left.

I want it to be magical,

an experience you'll
remember for the rest of your life.

Adam...

Dinner will be ready
in five minutes!

That gives us plenty of time.

Yes, I gave myself to adam...

on the night before
his sentencing.

I spent the rest of the night trying
to remember if I was ovulating.

All rise!

Gatlin county superior
court is now in session.

The honorable judge
raymond e. Ziff presiding.

You may be seated.

Will the defendant please rise?

This court in no way condones
underage sexual relations.

However, I find myself
hard pressed...

to send the defendant
up the river for 40 years...

because he got lucky
with his girlfriend.

Therefore, mr. Fisher, I am
sentencing you to two years...

probation.

And as for that requirement that
you register as a sexual predator,

it's required by the statute,

so I'm afraid
that my hands are tied.

But good luck, adam.

I want to thank the community
for their incredible support...

and that judge, too.

Okay, I'm gonna throw it
over to adam here.

He's going to take a few questions
before I give you any more details...

about my book signing tour.

How does it feel to have to register as a
sexual predator for the rest of your life?

Well, it kinda sucks.

I mean, now I won't be able
to coach kids' baseball...

or buy a gun or be the
president of the united states.

How do you and ginger plan
to celebrate your freedom...

and when do you
plan on getting married?

Well, ginger and I
kind of broke up.

That's all the time that he
has for... for you guys right now,

but I got lots of time,
so, uh, let's get it on.

Okay, so the title of my book
the adam fisher story.

If order one right now, you'll get a
special copy of my workout video...

how to get great abs
in just three hearings.

With the whole mess behind us,

adam and I can get
our lives back...

and enjoy even deeper true love.

See, sweetie, I was thinking maybe
we could go back to my place...

and celebrate your victory.

Jeez, I don't know. I've
kinda been thinking, too.

I'll have your baby! I'm 16!

I love you, adam!
I wanna have your baby!

Marry me, adam, I love you!

What do you sort of think
about seeing other people?

Somewhere deep down,

I know he really
couldn't mean that.

He was just in shock
from the trial.

He loves me too much
to see other people.

I just had to remind him.

I don't believe what he said

I can go anywhere

I can hold my head up

I can breathe in the air

I'm not officially dead

I still have a heart

not officially dead, yeah

I still have a heart

I may have gone about it badly,

but what's important in the end is
that we learn from our mistakes...

and grow as individuals.

I remember the times you'd
ride your bike past my house

I wanna know you so bad

know you inside and out

you're officially dead

you don't have a heart

ah! Ooh!

My!

Anyhow, you're
probably wondering...

what happened to everyone
after the trial.

After a county record
of 98 hours of labor,

ginger produced a baby girl,

thus proving that
she's not always easy.

Ginger, can I touch it?

No way!
Hush, johnny!

Ginger's mine now, ass
wipe! He means the baby.

Shh shh shh!
Here, baby, come here.

Give it to johnny.
Give it to johnny.

There you go.

What's its name?

We decided to name her "t-bone"
after johnny's cellmate.

Oh, wait, what'd I do?

Here, here. You're just
holding her wrong.

Johnny knows all about babies.

His sister had a couple
back in junior high,

and he helped take care
of them. Put your hand here.

He's gonna be a great daddy.
There you go.

There you go.

Yeah. Yeah.

Although lydia
lost the election,

her newly found celebrity
landed her a talk show on cnbc,

which was canceled
after six shows.

She found a better outlet for her
talents on the home buying channel.

Don't forget to order
this limited edition...

adam and ginger
dinner plate set.

That's right, lydia.
This is very interesting.

The painting that
you're looking at here...

is baked right in
so it won't chip or fade.

Mm-hmm. These are a must-have.

An excellent bargain, and
dishwasher-safe as well.

We hardly have any left, so get
on that phone and call 555-long.

I have some of these
at home, chuck.

Adam did drop out of school
before graduation,

and once again found himself
at the little chicken.

He had a few legal bills.

And let's face it...
School was just never his thing.

It wasn't long...

before another baby
got stuck in a pipe somewhere...

Arkansas, I think...

So the press escaped
our small, picturesque town,

and adam's parents quickly
found themselves back to normal.

Al?

It's blue.

Well, almost.

Oh, my.

As for me,

well, I'm doing just fine.

After the little incident
with adam's car,

I agreed to make a few speeches at local
junior high schools on the dangers of teen sex.

I'm a very giving person.

I am.

After all we went through,

we patched things up
and emerged closer than ever.

It took a little nudging
on my part,

but eventually I got adam
to pop the question.

Happiest day of my life.

Adam still had
some growing up to do,

but I'm learning to be patient.

We're going to be together
for a long,

long time.

Adam!

So you see,
stories do have happy endings.

No, really! They do!

Here, babe.

Thanks, babe.

Let me just get these
handlebars for you.

I guess we've had our fun

but it seems the fun is over now

and that's all right

it's all right

I called you a bitch,
which you most definitely are!

How do you... how...
How do you feel?

Other than morning sickness
and occasional constipation...

I know all about that,
but mentally.

Hello?

Mr. fisher,
would you be so kind?

Yes, sir.

- Cut!
- She loves her corn.

What hand are you counting on?
Second time.

Third time.
Shut up.

Where you going?

I'm gonna do the dance
with the jug-eared man.

Forgot to floss.

I'm gonna beat off.

That's nice, dear.

Okay, I object, your honor!
He's leading himself!

I'm sorry, I... we need
to stop for a second.

All right, I'm lactating
and I'm leaking right now.

Party animal.

You're asking the question.

Thank you, your honor. I know.

And all he got was to pick out...
all he had to do was pick up trash.

Look, either love
the little tramp,

or you're gonna be
getting some tough love...

from your cellmate
up at the state pen.

Soap on a rope so you
can get it back. Got it?

What the heck you talking
about? It's a hygiene thing, honey.

Uh, it's a workout metaphor.

Hi.

I wanna try out
my new water pik.

You're my honor.
Call me your honor.

There's ultimate fighting
on pay-per-view tonight.

Oh. Oh, yeah?

You anybody's bitch yet?

- What?
- Sound good?

- Cool.
- No problem.

W-we can't do it anymore?

I can't do it anymore?

We can't do it anymore?

Well, folks...

Was your bed good, honey?

Have you been boning her again?

Oh, no.