Jagdsaison (2022) - full transcript

- Tax office, Eva Grabowski speaking.
- Hello, I have a question.

Can I deduct my birthday party
from my tax bill?

- No, sorry.
- You can ask my colleagues about it.

It was a birthday party
but only my colleagues were there.

And we only talked about work matters.

- Surely I can deduct the drinks?
- No, you can't.

- The snacks?
- No.

- Decorations?
- No.

- Not even the cake?
- Not that either.

- The chocolate fountain?
- Do you use it privately?

- Yes.
- Then no.



Thanks for nothing.

- Don't mention it.
- Yeah. Bye.

Eva. Eva. Eva!

Well, Eva?

Boss.

Come up with a new tactic, have you?

Think I don't know
what you're signalling with this hairdo?

I am by no means unaware

that that unfortunate
"50 Grades of Shade" story

has triggered something in women,
awakening fantasies

that take a hold of them.

The powerful, aloof boss.
The timid, little employee.

- I honestly don't know...
- You think I don't get it?

Single, divorced, late 30s.



But, Eva, this is a workplace.

Not Tinder.

MARLENE: DISNEYLAND AT 17:00

Sorry.

"Love you."

Thanks for the feedback.

Yes, yes.

I've got my eye on you, Eva.

- I thought you'd finally quit.
- And I have.

Good.

- It's awful about the dog.
- Nothing to be done?

You having
a mid-life crisis or something?

I thought it made me look younger.

Into battle!

...for the sensational price
of just 9.99 euros each.

- Sailor Moon!
- Sailor Mars!

We won't buy this.
It doesn't shoot straight.

Mm, hot shit!

- Not interested.
- Not interested?

I don't need a man, I need a present
for my kid since I can't get a dog...

- How may I help you?
- It has to be as cool as a dog.

But more educational than a rifle.

Give me a minute. There is one thing
that's really popular right now.

Watch this.

Oh! Sorry.

Volker to till seven, please.
Volker, please.

- A real bargain!
- I Know.

But it'd be great fun for Daddy.

Daddy's had enough fun.
He can buy his own presents.

After eleven years of marriage

Daddy took a spiritual break,
to fuck a 15-year-old.

She wasn't 15, she was 25.
And that was three years ago.

- Oh, good.
- Oh, good?

Eva!

Know what Steffen and his chick
are getting her?

- It's not a competition.
- Of course it is!

- Yeah, it usually is. Well...
- Right!

I'll leave you to it, yeah?

Great.

Why are you glued to your phone
like a teenager today?

- Yes?
- Something crazy happened.

- What?
- Fuck! No, I can't handle that.

Hey!

It's Marlene!

- Hi, Marlene!
- Hello, Olivia!

- Hello! That suits you.
- Hey, babe!

- What have you done with Andy?
- Oh, I'm alone here.

I was going to... I wanted to...

I love toys!

- How about you?
- Bella said I could choose a present.

It's only a few days till her birthday.
I want to get something she wants.

Oh, my God! How amazing!

- Daddy, you know what this is.
- Yeah, that's...

- We saw it on YouTube.
- Yeah, crazy.

Then let's go!

But it's crazy expensive.

Yeah, but turning ten
is a crazy big deal.

Oh, thank you!

Are you all right?

- No. Go away.
- Are you ill?

- Can I help you?
- Come here.

What on earth are you doing?

Surprise!

- Mum?
- Oh, my God!

Eva, you're here too!

What have you done to your hair?

Shoot me, please.

HUNTING SEASON

BUILDING MANAGEMENT
NO PARCEL COLLECTION!

- Is this about the dog again?
- If I promise to train it not to bark?

Even if you teach it to shower and brush
its teeth, dogs aren't allowed here.

- Unless you're disabled.
- I...

...need proof!

What if the dog is disabled?

Dear Mum,
Please come to my party on Sunday.

I want us all
to celebrate my birthday together.

- RSVP...
- "RSVP to Bella@blah-blah..."

What's that?

It's an invitation for me
to my daughter's birthday party.

Doesn't compute, does it?

That's pretty funny.

What are you doing? "Paper only!

No plastic!”

- My goodness! Are you blind?
- Yes!

Can I get a bloody dog now?

I adore your Bella skincare products.

- They really nourish my skin.
- I'm so glad.

And they contain no parabens whatsoever.

- Hello.
- Hi, sweetie.

- I'm a fan of your...
- Can't you ever be on time?

- I'll buy the whole range.
- Thank you.

- What is this? It's parents' evening.
- Not now, please.

- Can we start?
- Yes. Sorry. Hello.

I'd like to say one thing first.

We're delighted
to have Olivia with us in our class.

She's a real asset to the class.

- You could have warned me.
- For fuck's sake!

But we have noticed that

she sometimes has trouble concentrating.

- Is she like that at home?
- What's this?

- Not really.
- What do you say, Eva?

Hm? What do I say? Uh...
Where were we again?

I was asking whether you have noticed

that Olivia
doesn't concentrate on homework.

It's not her favourite pastime.
But that's normal, right?

It works pretty well for us.
First maths, then snacks. Right, Olivia?

That's a great habit,
bribing a child with sweets!

Eh? You're the one who always says,
"No fractions, no cookies."

- She gets dried fruits and nuts from us.
- Yummy dried fruits!

Let's listen to what Susanne has to say.

- Who the hell's Susanne?
- Me.

Yes, I know that.

- Sorry, Susanne.
- Fine.

As I was saying, Olivia is wonderful...

Mum, honestly!

A situation like yours is never easy.
For everyone involved.

- That's why we should...
- Livi wants us to celebrate together.

We have more space.

- And Bella's better at that stuff.
- What?

Right!

I'm all ears.

But I have green tea in there.

So, what I actually wanted to say.

It is important for Olivia right now...

that she sees the adults around her
being calm, level-headed and...

Great. That's what we'll do.

It was nice, what Susanne said.

- Yes?
- Yes.

- Should we walk?
- Yes, we can walk.

Hey, Olivia, wait a minute.

What about our traditional
mum-daughter movie and snuggle night?

Mum, listen! I want one proper birthday
with one proper family.

So, will you come?

Of course. You're my baby girl.

- Come on then.
- Yeah.

Fridi!

Hey!

Oh, Lali! Hello, girl!

Hey, did you get one
of those nice birthday invitations too?

Hey, I'll be there.
I'll put out any fires.

- It wasn't me.
- Of course not.

Mum, look what good friends we are!

We talked about this.
I'm not allowed to have a dog.

If your mum can't have one,
maybe we could get one instead. Right?

What?

Maybe I will get a dog after all, then!

We'll talk about it.

- Frida and her parents, please.
- Oh, that's us.

- Bye.
- I'm looking forward to tomorrow, babe.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Ciao.
- Bye, Andy.

Have a good week with Daddy. Come here.

- Be good.
- Come on, let's go.

Yes.

- What was that just now?
- What?

"I'm looking forward to tomorrow, babe."

I think it's time
you started getting used to her.

She's not going anywhere.

And she's really nice
when you get to know her.

What... What's that supposed to mean?
You having a barbecue together?

- Worse.
- Huh?

- We go to yoga together.
- Yoga?

Marlene, we promised
we'd never turn into yoga types.

I know, but it really does me good.

- What do you want from me?
- For you to be my best friend.

- And hate Bella like I do.
- Okay!

As your best friend, I'll tell you

it's shitty for your kid
that you don't allow room for Bella.

Olivia is trapped between you both.

Hello? Bella has a villa with a sauna,
home cinema and a trampoline!

If she gets a dog too,
my kid won't know who I am.

- She should allow space for me.
- Don't you see how great it is?

She really loves your kid
and makes an effort.

Listen. I'm going for coffee with Bella.

- How nice!
- Yes. And you're coming too.

- What? No.
- You are.

- No.
- Yes, you are.

No!

Do it for your daughter!

Hey, babes.
Do something good for your skin.

Your skin
is the reflection of your soul.

- Use the...
- "Use the Bella Beauté discount."

- Hello!
- Hey, I won't make it after all.

I suddenly got toothache this morning
and I'm stuck at the dentist's.

Oh, I'm sorry. How did that happen?

I've felt a tug at the back for a while.

Then I ate a stupid peanut bar
yesterday and: crack!

I hope I don't need a root canal.
That'll be so expensive...

Okay. When do you think
you'll be done at the dentist's?

Now?

Relax, it's not a date.

Go say, "Hi, how are you?"
and I'll get us coffee.

- The usual?
- Yes, please.

- Hi, how are you?
- Uh, fine.

- It's nice we're meeting up.
- Super nice, yeah.

Nice... jumper.

Thanks.

Your shoelace is undone.

Everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

Okay. All right.

- Can I help?
- I can manage!

- Could you maybe...
- Sure.

Wait a minute.

Okay, okay. All right. There you go!

It's certainly good for us
to get to know each other better.

- For Livi in particular.
- She's Olivia to you.

- Olivia, of course.
- Sorry.

- That's Marlene's.
- I know. He's texted you!

"Looking forward to the hunt.
Hope to bag a bunny."

Heart-eyes smiley, trumpet, bird emoji.

"Hugs, Peter."

- I think you're the bunny.
- Peter?

Yes.

- I've fallen for someone.
- What? Who?

Peter from the conference in Helsinki.

- You went to Helsinki?
- I told you that, Eva!

You're having an affair in Finland?

No! You have to start listening to me!

A conference two months ago?
Really handsome man?

I don't know,
but we keep writing to each other.

Last I heard, you and Andy
were planning a second child.

Yes, Eva, we even have a sex calendar.
As erotic as a trip to the job centre.

"I'll just check. Sorry, we have
no appointments for intercourse.

Come back when you ovulate."

- Why didn't I know?
- You're busy with your own stuff.

And I was hoping
it would just stop by itself.

By continuing to write to him?
You have to stop.

Too late for that.
The lying has begun. She has to...

Churn butter?

- Huh?
- Sexual intercourse?

That... is your idea of sex? Uh-oh!

I haven't had any complaints so far.

Hello?

- Uh, sorry. So you and he have sex...
- No! That's the problem.

- What?
- That's why the situation is so charged.

Checking whether he's written at night.
Answering from the bathroom.

Sending each other suggestive videos,
photos and jokes.

That's why she just has to...

- Eh?
- She has to fuck him out of her head.

- She should cheat on her husband?
- Oh, Eva! I

Remember Henrik from college?

- Yes, thanks.
- You were obsessed.

When you finally got him in the sack,
the fire went out.

He had so much foreskin.
You could do this...

If I'm lucky, Peter will have that too.

- Uh-uh.
- Genital warts.

Undescended testicles, a third nipple.

Then I'll get over him.

You don't believe
you can fuck him out of your head?

I do. And it's happening tomorrow.

- You're going to Finland for a fuck?
- No.

- Peter is on the Baltic Coast.
- We're going there for a spa weekend.

And we'll meet Peter at the hunt.

So you've planned it all out,
the two of you?

I'll come along.

I'll drive you there. I'll pick you up.

- You don't like the idea?
- No, it's good. It's...

- Huh? That's amazing.
- Yes, sure. Sure.

I'm packing my bag
with my Bella skincare,

my fruit acid scrub,

and what I cannot do without:
my magic cream.

Why are you doing this to me?

- It's really shitty timing.
- I Know.

But I can't plan my whole life
around my ovulation.

And especially, my Bella cup,
for my happy days.

- Don't need any more than that...
- Bella? Sorry.

- You interrupted my story, dude.
- I don't like you calling me that.

He doesn't like it.

- But a girls' weekend...
- Leave it, Andy.

Sure.

You don't know what you're getting into.

Yeah, Eva is really...

unbalanced.

I just want things
to be more relaxed with Eva.

- And anyway...
- Better safe than sorry.

...I'm prepared for anything.

Don't try me, bitch.

Attention, please.

- Hello!
- Girls' trip.

I'm driving.

Is "hunting"
code for something or other?

- No. Why?
- What kind of person hunts?

Me. Since I was nine.

What if Peter is a sex maniac or pervert
who shoves something up your bum?

You're so negative.

I beg your pardon?

I hope he really does come.

What did you arrange with your maniac?

That we'd text when I arrive.

CAN'T WAIT

- Show me.
- Why did he send you an aubergine?

- Think about it.
- He likes moussaka?

It's referring to a body part.
Knick knack paddy whack.

Let's hope it's just the size
of an aubergine, not the colour.

- Relax, Eva.
- Don't approve of senseless affairs.

But it's okay when men
screw around all over the place?

Us women should be allowed
to have a turn.

So this is an act of emancipation?

- For sure!
- Exactly.

Women should support one another,
even when we cross boundaries.

So Marlene is taking revenge
for womankind?

God, you're so annoying.
Stop exaggerating!

- I'm not exaggerating...
- Watch out!

Eva!

Oh, shit.

#Parked.

- What the hell?
- I wasn't expecting you to park.

- In a car park?
- The two of us are going inside, okay?

Do I have to entertain the kids
as a splatter clown?

- It's not so bad.
- My costume is ruined.

Maybe I can lend you something.

Thanks.

This has to be...

the most hilarious outfit
I've ever worn.

- Thanks.
- You wear this stuff?

Yes.

I have to go.

Hey, you clown!
How will I get my stuff back?

You won't.

Okay, let's swap numbers
SO we can sort out the insurance.

Wow, the tax office!

Oh, wow, heart surgeon!

Oh, no. "Kiki, the cheeky clown."

Kekí.

- Cinderella Rockefella?
- What?

- With or without a kick?
- With a Kick, of course. Here.

Drink this.

Had a look around? Amazing, isn't it?

Eva?

- Eva?
- Yes, it's amazing.

- I'm just saving the clown's number.
- Okay, okay, okay.

"Breakfast, 89 euros,
cheese platter, 95, fruit salad, 59."

The most expensive fling ever.

- Take whatever you like. I'm paying.
- No way.

It was my idea after all.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Thank you, Bella.
- That's fine.

What do we do
until the aubergine arrives tomorrow?

Hang out.

Hold it.

Put your arms down.

Bring the cloth to the front.

Grab up high, pull yourself up.

Your arms go through to the front.
Your heels go down.

Hold it.

And we stretch.

And come down.

And breathe.

And... namaste.

Oops.

Hello, everyone!

Welcome to Maison Blanche.
My name is Gero.

I've brought a detox blend
for us to enjoy.

It has bergamot in it.
There are hints of eucalyptus.

There are hints of lily of the valley.

It's a really lovely blend.

It draws out toxins, it purifies.

It removes all the negativity
from the body.

- Would you rather go in the pool?
- I love saunas.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

I now know
it's the perfect thing for me.

And breathe. Very good.

This is going to be wonderful.

And... breathe in deeply.

Just like that.

- Listen, Bella, about the dog...
- Shh.

You can't just tell me to shush.

Right now, it's about Marlene's needs,
not yours.

We can sense
all the negativity evaporating.

I need fresh air.

I didn't mean to.

But it's antisocial
to leave in the middle.

That's not something I'm used to.

And we stay positive.

We breathe, we detox.
You're doing great.

- Are you in or out?
- I'm in.

- Okay.
- The main thing is, you relax.

- Sorry...
- He sent a baguette and two cherries.

- Marlene, listen to me.
- Yeah.

I know you and Andy well.

This whole thing with... is bullshit.

You're putting 20 happy years at stake.

Yes, Eva, 20 years. I was 19 years old.

I met Andy at driving school.

I don't know what it's like
to sleep with anyone else.

- It's usually pretty awful.
- Champers!

- We're talking.
- You shouldn't discuss problems sober.

- And it's pretty early.
- Eva, you sound like an old woman.

- Sorry.
- It's a problem within your marriage.

It can't be solved externally.
Certainly not with pointless sex.

- Pointless sex, I love it!
- We're having a serious conversation.

Fine, I won't say anything.

There's no point without bubbles.
Like a sandpit without sand.

Well, you'd know.
It's not so long ago you played in one.

Sorry, what were you saying?

It's unfair. If you want to sleep
with other men, okay.

But then speak to Andy.
He doesn't deserve this.

Eva, if you only came here
to ruin this for me, then you can leave.

I don't want to hear your negative crap.
Right!

Come here.

- Aha! Higher up?
- Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh, that's amazing. Oh, God, yeah.

I did a seminar.

Anyone who has really known Marlene
for a good long time

knows that what she really likes
is a foot massage.

Everything's fine. It's okay.

Okay.

I used to be a lifeguard.

Oh, Eva! I -Outrageous!

Everything okay?

- "Champagne.”
- Hitler moustache.

"Wild Bush." Oof!

"Butterfly in Paradise."
A man thought of that.

Waxing is about self-love.
That's so important for us women.

You have to choose. You can't have
both pubic styling and feminism.

It's modern feminism. Anything goes.

How do you know if your aubergine
likes smooth mangoes or hairy coconuts?

It's not about the male gaze
but about what makes Marlene feel good.

That's right. And no one's forcing you.
Choose one or leave it be.

Though it's pointless
if No one ever sees your punani.

I thought it was about what makes
me feel good, not the male gaze.

Touché.

We got our ears pierced together
so let's get our shagpiles shorn.

I'm going to the loo first.

- Who's next?
- I am blessed already.

Mine are still too short. Go ahead.

Chop chop.

Remove your underwear, please.

Lie on your tummy.

I think someone got the wrong door.

No, that's just my son, Kai.

- He's sick so I had to bring him along.
- Can't he wait outside?

No, I'd like to keep an eye on him.
But don't worry. He won't look.

- He's just playing.
- He's looking.

No, really.
He only has eyes for his iPad. Right!

Spread your buttocks apart.

I have to get right into the crack.

Further apart. That's right.

Your son is staring... Motherfucker!

Sorry.

You wanted to speak to me
about Olivia's birthday?

Yes, but maybe not here and now...

Turn around.

What the fuck?

Bella, could you please just...

leave?

You wanted to talk. And I think
it's better to leave Marlene out of it.

Okay, but please not here and now.

All right.

Have fun!

I have to get scissors.

Or we'll still be here tomorrow.

I see what you're doing,
you little pervert.

Next, please.

How does it look?

Anything goes. Chop chop.

Have fun!
But watch out for peeping Tommy.

Where's the one with all the hair?

My friend? She says she's finished.

Okay. To each her own.

Chop chop, then.

Remove your underwear
and lie on your tummy.

All right, let's talk
about this bloody dog then.

Okay.

I'll throw your iPad down the loo!

Ice!

- God!
- You'll be fine.

- Make way!
- Emergency!

- Oh, God, it's cold!
- Breathe.

- Breathe. Breathe.
- Spread your buttocks.

Breathe.

Yes!

- Breathe.
- Spread your buttocks.

- Breathe!
- Spread your buttocks.

- Breathe!
- Spread your buttocks!

Ready?

One moment.

Now.

- Breathe.
- Spread your buttocks.

- Shit!
- What?

It looks like
there was a fire back there.

Oh, Eva.

I'll give you some of my magic cream.
It'll look great by the hunt tomorrow.

- Magic cream?
- With vitamin C for wound healing.

And perfect for lightening
that dark circle.

So that it looks more appetizing
round the back.

So now anuses have to look appetizing?

For whom?

- Don't want to show my husband...
- No details.

She's right. It gets darker with age.

What a load of crap!

- It's like the rings on old trees.
- Keep your arse cream away from Olivia.

All right.

- I'm not that old.
- Yes, you are.

- Your bumhole betrays your age.
- Shut your face, tomato anus.

What a load of nonsense.

- It looks a lot better already.
- Oh, good!

Like the rings on old trees!
Total bullshit.

Why don't you want another kid, babe?

I... I just don't want one.

I don't want to go through that again.

Do you want one, you and Steffen?

Um... Can you give me another ice cube?

There you go.

Oh, God!

Eh? Where's the photo?

Hello?

Hello? Now listen to me, Eva.

Is that your anus?

- Damn it! No means no!
- Yes, I know that.

- Can't you get that into your head?
- Sorry.

What's wrong?

Is everything okay?

I just showed my boss my arsehole.

- Why?
- I was trying to film my age rings.

- Pity you didn't use Bella's arse cream.
- Oh, God!

So he saw your arsehole. So what?
It could have been worse.

- How?
- He could have seen Marlene's.

Why can't you two
be nice to one another?

- I do try, but...
- Please. Do it for me.

And my baboon's bum.

What does designer pussy say?

If woolly mammoth can behave, so can I.

- Nice one!
- Mm-hm.

Sisters before misters?

- Sisters before misters.
- Sisters before misters.

Right, shove all this up my bum.
I want to party.

Booze!

- Sorry.
- Drink. Drink, drink, drink, drink.

Housekeeping!

Oh, God.

I think I'm dying.

How much time do I have to get better?

- Three and a half hours.
- Fine.

- I can do it.
- You can do it.

- Yeah.
- I can do it.

Then I can get this out of the way.

- How much time again?
- Now it's three hours and 29 minutes.

Yep, yep, that's fine.

This isn't working.

We have to get your blood pumping again.

Oh, yes.

Isn't it dangerous?

No. Marlene has to do something fun.

Is that instructor gawping at me
the whole time?

From here it's hard to tell
which of us he's gawping at.

- He's gawping at me.
- No, he's gawping at me.

Hello!

Hi.

Hot.

Don't pull the bar towards you!

Oh, God!

Stop! Stop!

Hey!

Oh, God! I'm so sorry!

If this takes much longer,
we'll be late.

Careful!

Fuck! How could this even happen?

- The instructor let go of you.
- Someone distracted him.

Oh, shit! Really, Eva?

- He was gawping at Bella.
- He wasn't.

- He was.
- My God, you two...

- I'm here.
- Me too. I'll stand by you, whatever.

- Hello there.
- At last.

Maybe we only need
one extra person here?

- We need none.
- She doesn't mean that. Go.

I do mean it. Both of you, get out.

But I know she has a penicillin allergy
and when her last tetanus jab was.

Eva, get out of here. Both of you.

Help me, please.

- He was gawping at me first.
- That doesn't matter now.

The main thing is, he cures her
so she can fuck Peter out of her head.

I didn't start seeing Steffen
when you were together.

- We were taking a break.
- Exactly.

Yes, and in a break
you don't screw other people.

- Huh? That's what a break is for.
- What? Since when?

Oh, boy.

Someone should have told me that.

Right.

In any case, I have...

I have just one thing to ask of you.

Please don't get Olivia a dog.

Okay, if we are nicer
to one another in future.

I mean, for Marlene's sake.

And Livi's.

Olivia.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Excuse me, doctor?

Isn't it time you gave me my stuff back?

- I'm feeling a little insecure.
- Oh, yes?

A massive arsehole called me
from your number.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

Yes, I always do it that way.

I put all my cards on the table
right away.

Okay, now I know.

But I won't put all my cards
on the table,

if I ever call you.

No problem.

I'm getting used to that sound.

I'm ready.

I just think these are signs.
The cosmos is telling you not to do it.

- Why else is everything going wrong?
- Because of you.

- Doing your best to ruin things for me.
- Not at all! I'm just...

It's Bella, bitch.

- I wouldn't drink that.
- Bella!

Can't you butt out?

I'm here to offer you my support.

Then do me a favour
and behave for a few hours.

No accidents, no embarrassing stunts,
no comments, no arguments.

- Okay?
- Okay. I'll get a grip on myself.

- Eva...
- In serenity lies strength.

And? How does it taste?

Like rosehip?

With maybe a hint of... pussy?

- What's that?
- My Bella Cup.

A menstrual cup.

Squeeze it together.

Push it up.

And... pop!

That's a delicious vintage.

1992.

You two go ahead.
I need a moment with my lady.

Where is he? I don't see him.

He's probably busy burying a body.

Sorry.

- Hey, boy.
- Don't pet him.

Best not to touch him. Rocco, down.
Hey! Get down.

Sorry. This dog is deranged.
Or just evil. I'm not quite sure.

You're the hunting clown
with his evil dog?

- Are you stalking me?
- What? No.

I'm here because...

I'm accompanying my friend on the hunt.

What about you?

Ede is my godfather.
This all belongs to him.

Including this... dog.

- You have a hunting licence?
- No.

Shh, it's starting.

Welcome!

We have four drivings before tea
and two afterwards.

You may shoot snipes, ducks,
pheasants and pigeons.

Yes, sir!

No shots at an angle
of less than 45 degrees.

Shoot rabbits only in the open.

- Happy hunting!
- Happy hunting!

Fancy loading my rifle?

No, I... I'm staying with my friend.

That's a shame.

Well, then...

I love it.

Oh, my God. That's him, that's him.

All right.

- He's better looking than I remember.
- Doesn't mean he's not a maniac.

Ask if you can be his loader,
then you can load his gun.

Loader? Loader.

Let's go.

Marlene, it's so nice to see you.

Peter, hey.

Do you need a lady... a lover...
I mean, a loader. A loader?

Peter, you have to take a look
at my new toy.

Oh, Ede! Ivory inlaying.
That's very tempting.

But...
I have a new toy of my own right here.

- Sorry, that was supposed to be a joke.
- Oh, right.

I don't know why I said that.

You'd rather take this woman with you?

I would say so, yes. Yes.

Shall we?

Damn, he's hot.

- I see how you are looking at me.
- Uh... I beg your pardon?

You can't play those games with me.
I can see through women like you.

- Okay.
- I read your thoughts in your smile.

You want to ambush me in my room.

- All right, grandpa, that's enough.
- Rocco!

- Stop that.
- Rocco.

Just accept it. I am out of your reach.

Why is it always me?

Don't be sad.

You can load my rifle.

It's incredible how much you do.
Hunting, deep-sea diving, free climbing.

Curling too?

What do your followers say
about your hunting?

I have a private life too.

- Let me try. Can't be so hard.
- Not without a licence.

- Says who?
- Weapons Law, Paragraph 13(2).

- Anyway, you've been drinking.
- Only a few sips.

I have to go empty my cup.

- Cheers.
- Get it for me, darlin'?

Not likely.

Marlene...

Since Helsinki...

- Yes?
- Since we met. I...

I can't think of anything else.

- Eva.
- Are you out of your mind?

- Bang on target! I shot a rabbit!
- What did you say?

I wanted to get some pheasant
but then this big fat bunny was there.

So I go: bang! And down it goes.

- Don't be envious. It's not a contest.
- You've got a problem.

Not if you don't call me darlin',
you stupid cow.

Okay, now we have to find it.

- I hope for your sake that it's dead.
- Dead as a dormouse. Keeled right over.

- Are you sure you hit something?
- Oh, yes. It's over there somewhere.

Ah, there he is. My furry fellow.

That's your bunny?

It was hopping like this, I swear.

Are you stupid? Bunny, dog!
Bunny, dog! Bunny, dog! Got it?

It's a gun dog. That's an of fence.

But it's a bit funny because I thought,
"Wow, what a huge rabbit!"

Sorry, an inappropriate reaction.

Fuck, that's Rocco!

- The clown said that dog's evil.
- This will cost me my licence.

Hey, let's just say that it was me.

It was you!
But it's my damn responsibility!

How could you shoot a dog?

- But it's fine to shoot a rabbit?
- Rocco!

- Rocco!
- Bella.

Pull yourself together.
We have to move the dog.

- Faster.
- I can't anymore.

Shit!

How about we leave the gun
next to the dog and get out here?

Yes! With its paw on the trigger
so it looks like suicide.

Sorry, Chief Inspector.
I've never Killed anyone before.

Just be quiet for a minute.

Please.

One, two...

Three!

We have to slit it open,
fill it with stones and sew it up.

What's wrong with you?

- Rocco!
- It's the maniac!

Hey.

Hi.

Have you seen Rocco?

Ede's dog. He's vanished.

Yes, that's normal.

- What?
- For a dog to run away sometimes.

To seek freedom
sow its wild oats, try something new.

Just one guy gets boring after a while.

Have you looked in the woods?
Dogs love trees.

- Rocco!
- Where?

Oh, my God!

Was it you?

I thought it was a rabbit.

Bunny, dog. Bunny, dog!

That dog was evil, so who cares?

I'll try to persuade him
not to press charges, but...

- At the moment he's in shock.
- Of course.

I understand.

I'm really sorry.

Give me an hour.

He was an arsehole!

But I loved him!

- I still say he looked like a rabbit.
- You just keep your mouth shut!

- I want you both to pack up and get out.
- But I...

- So you can be alone to...
- Exactly!

All I want to do is bang this guy.

- But I...
- No, this weekend is a nightmare.

Just because you two hate each other.

I don't think that Eva hates me.

I think all of us
should just stop talking.

Maybe I should have a quick shower.

Why do I only have
these granny knickers with me?

- I can lend you something pretty.
- Bravo.

- Share vaginal fungus too.
- Enough!

Piss off!

Here. Everything will be fine. Enjoy it.

- Sorry.
- Don't stop.

Peter, let me do it.

Stop! Woah.

- Marlene, what you're doing is wrong.
- Are you insane? Get out!

Do you really think
that if you jump on top

of this admittedly
very attractive man, that that...

Take this.

Much better.
You think all your problems will vanish?

Eva! Hello?

Is it really
about this semi-stiff aubergine here

or is it about feeling desired again?

You're scared.
Andy wants another kid, you don't.

That's what this is about.
And instead of telling him...

- This sounds complicated.
- Wait a minute.

This is you saying that to me?

You've refused
to accept reality for three years.

Yes, your ex is happy
with another woman.

That's life, yeah? That happens.

Since then you haven't let
any kind of root vegetable near you.

Aubergines aren't root vegetables.

Carrots, parsnips, asparagus, I could
have banged any vegetable in the shop.

- Well...
- Shut it!

- Sorry, I don't know why I said that.
- Okay. Know what? I'm sick of it.

Honestly, I've been holding your hand
for 25 years,

no matter how much chaos you cause.

Whenever the shit hits the fan,
I am always there for you.

But the one time I need you,
you can't do it.

But I'm here! I'm here, aren't 1?

Telling you the truth,
even though you don't want to hear it.

You're only here because you can't stand
me having another friend apart from you.

She's not just any friend!

She's the woman who destroyed my life.

You're the one destroying it.
Don't you see?

- Oh, so that's your view of things?
- Yes.

Good to know. Then it's no surprise
your marriage is screwed up.

If you can't even tell your best friend
what you really think of her.

Have fun fucking him out of your head.

"Out of your head"?

Drop the cushion.

You okay?

- What are you doing here?
- I wanted to see how you're doing.

It's not every day you kill someone.

Today has not been my day.

- Tomorrow will be better.
- Why's that?

Your daughter's birthday.

- How do you know that?
- Your friend booked my services.

Yeah.
Well, then I hope you all have fun.

I won't come to Bella's shitty villa

and watch her steal my kid's heart
with a tiered cake and a clown.

- It's not a competition.
- If one more person says that to me...

- She'll be happy whatever you get her.
- Don't have kids, do you?

No.

I don't feel like discussing parenting
with a childless clown.

Who are you? I don't even know you!
You have nothing to say to me.

NO FRACTIONS, NO COOKIES

Shit!

- Hey, Andy!
- Hey.

- Are you crying?
- What? I... No, I...

We're watching a really sad film.

- "Suzy" and... "Bambi".
- Listen...

Can I speak to Marlene?
I don't want to interrupt.

I just wanted to say good night.

Hello?

Are you still there?

Eva? Is something wrong?

- Marlene's been acting funny lately.
- To be honest...

Yeah?

We're devastated right now
because Bambi's mother just got shot.

Marlene's getting prosecco. And...
I'll give her a big kiss from you, okay?

- Hm, okay.
- Bye.

Ciao.

Shit!

- Once and for all!
- What?

- Something caught fire again?
- No. Yes.

- It's not so bad though.
- What about the dog?

What about the dog?

You gave up on that one quickly.

Goodness me. She wants one so badly.

And she doesn't have it easy.
One week here, one week there.

- And then a mother like you.
- A mother like me?

- Does that mean we can have a dog?
- I didn't say that.

Dogs aren't allowed here.
Don't you understand?

If there were a crate of beer
by your door every Friday.

- Punctually at 6 p.m.
- No pets. None.

- Would the beer be cold?
- Yes!

A rabbit.

A rabbit would be okay.

Hey, OW!

Mum!

Happy birthday!

- I'm so glad you've come.
- Of course I have.

Mum, Bella's clown is so funny.

Yes, Bella picks all the best things.

Mum?

Bella said that I'm going
to get one more big surprise.

I see. Yes, I have one for you too.

Your glass is empty.

Here!

- I heard you three had fun?
- Yes, that's one version of the story.

Hm, I know two. In both, you shot a dog.

Yes.

Can you pull yourself together today?

- Please.
- Yeah!

I can barely look him in the eye.
I feel awful.

- You're taking it too seriously.
- It was a mistake.

- It was a shitty idea.
- What was a shitty idea?

That I didn't bother
making any sugar-free muffins

because Livi really wanted
monster cupcakes.

But they're... yu... yummy.

A little too sweet maybe.

Otherwise, they're very yummy.
But too sweet.

Hey, are you...

- Are you all right? Is everything okay?
- No.

- No, nothing is okay, Andy.
- What do you mean?

I don't want another child.
I can't go through that again.

Oh, I... I... I see.

I was thinking that you...

- Wow.
- Yes, but that's not all of it.

- What do you mean? What else?
- I want more sex!

I don't want planned ovulation sex
that I note in my diary.

You know?
I want spontaneous sex on the floor.

I want to bang. I want to be surprised.

Sex on the dishwasher. I... I want sex!

Okay. Do you want
to sort out the details over there?

Just walk that way.
You're doing a great job.

Okay.

- So, who wants to open presents?
- Me!

Then let's go!

No. She promised, didn't she?

What's that about?

I can't help myself.

But...

I see.

You look great.

Me?

Yes, you.

Thanks.

Sorry I was so aggressive
at the car park yesterday.

Yes, you were.

You'd make a good clown
in those clothes.

Should we talk on the phone some time?

Absolutely not!

A coffee?

It doesn't agree with me.

Go swimming?

Non-swimmer.

Dancing?

In these shoes?

Boozing?

Already doing that.

Sex?

Bring your bunny rabbit inside.

Okay...

Frida's gift in a minute.

Grandma's first. We promised.

Open that first.

- Look at this, Livi.
- Oh, that's so cute!

- Since you can't have a dog at my place.
- Doesn't matter.

- So small!
- And so soft!

Surprise!

There!

- I'll catch him.
- No, I'll do that.

Damn it!

Bunny!

Doggy!

Stop!

Stay!

- Doggy?
- Bunny? Bunny?

- Doggy! Come here, come here!
- Bunny!

We had an agreement. No dog.

- I couldn't help it.
- Do you have to take my child?

Isn't it enough you took my husband
and my best friend?

- I didn't.
- You did.

- Didn't.
- Did.

No!

- No?
- No. The two of you are both so idiotic.

This is a child's birthday and you're
thinking only of yourselves. So selfish!

You're selfish! Going off somewhere
to cheat on your husband.

- I didn't.
- What?

I didn't cheat on my husband.

And why not, dear Marlene?

Because Eva, my wonderful friend,
went above and beyond the call of duty.

- And stopped me doing it.
- Excuse me, I...

Shut your face!

- Well, then. You're welcome.
- No, no.

No, you don't get off that easily.
You're a really shitty friend, Eva!

Just because you were right once,
I won't get down in the dirt

and fawn with gratitude.

Well, then have fun
with your new, non-shitty friend.

- Careful she doesn't steal your husband.
- Enough!

I didn't steal Steffen from you,
and it's his problem if he cheats on you

or lets a new woman into his life.

I think it's deeply unsupportive
and unfeminist of you

to put all the blame on me.

I'm sorry
you're a spoiled, phoney, little slut.

"Slut" is misogynistic.

You slut, you pussy, you bitch!

With your perfectly waxed fanny,

your beautiful hair,
and your arse cream!

You don't get it, do you?
Whatever I do, I'll never be Livi's mum.

When she's sad, she wants you.

And when she's happy,
she also wants you.

I don't want to take anything from you.
I just want her to like being with me.

So you bake her cakes
and buy her a 2,000-euro dog?

Yes, damn it, and I was up all night

baking those stupid monster cupcakes!

So what?

I just want...
I just want to have a family.

Why should you have a family?

I don't have one anymore!

Then let's all be a big family together.

Damn it all to hell, Eva.

If you were only
a bit less of everything.

A bit less pretty,
a bit less successful.

A bit less witty.

Yeah, I can understand that.
That's why I've never had real friends.

Because you're so wonderful?

It's lonely, being perfect.

Why don't you find two normal friends?

Love is blind.

Shit, even your hair smells good.

Fuck!

Oh, God!

Livi's heart will break
when she sees the bunny.

I'm so sorry.

- Wasn't there a lake around here?
- Girls, no. This has to stop.

- No more throwing dead pets in lakes.
- You'd do that for me?

Doggy.

- What's his name anyway?
- Uh... How about Rocco?

Rocco, that's a good one. Rocco.

Stay.

- Help!
- Rocco!

Okay! Bye!

I'm going to find some other friends.

You two are too mental for me.

Marlene!

"Marlene!"

It's the way that you behave
You're out there making waves

So arrogant and vain
That you're driving me insane

You think you're unique
And your BMW's so chic

The world revolves around you
Nothing else is half as cool

Standing before the mirror
You find yourself so cute

You think you are so special
Everyone's in love with you

So hip, so sexy
The world's sweetest honey

You put on quite a show

Flashing all your money
I think you're shitty

Really shitty

Hey, watch the road!

- I think you're shitty
-Careful!

Really sh-sh-sh-shitty

"I really am the coolest”
That's all you ever say

I cannot listen to that spin
All you want is to fit in

But that don't make any sense
It won't make people be your friend

Why can't you just be who you are?

Fake posturing won't get you far

Trying to take me for a jerk?
I gotta tell ya: that won't work!

But you've nothing to fear
You're the coolest person here!

- You're great.
- Love you.

-Really shitty
-Love you guys too!

It's just awful.

- Ooh, baby.
- I don't like that.

Really sh-sh-sh-sh-shitty

- Altogether now!
- I think you're shitty

So shitty

Really shitty

Really shitty -Baby!

- Fuck!
- Damn it, Eva!

- That wasn't me, I swear.
- Eva!

Can at least one of you guys
watch the road?

One of us girls!

Doesn't matter.

Let's stop. It's just bullshit now.
Thank you. Cut. Bye.

I'll miss you both.

Where are you going?

No Limits Media 2022
Subtitles: H. Kimber, A. Rajabali