Jackass: The Movie (2002) - full transcript

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.
Welcome to Jackass.

Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville
and I'm about to rent a car.

- What's up?
- Hi, I have a reservation.

Okay, I need a driver's
license and a credit card.

All right.

I need a signature here that you're
going to use your coverage instead of ours.

- Is that white one us?
- Yes.

And we're gonna walk
around it, inspect it together.

Looks pretty good.

I'm just looking for dents
and major scratches.

Yeah.



Something major,
gonna write it down.

Little ding there.

Yeah.

No, we'll take good care of her.

Thank you. Have a good week.

You, too. Thank you.

I'm Johnny. Hey, man.

We're gonna be doing a
hell of a lot of work here today.

Trust us. We're gonna have fun.

Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville,

and this is called the
Rent-a-Car Crash-Up Derby.

Oh, fuck!

You guys are gonna die!

Shut the car off
before it gets hot.



Oh, fuck!

I guess we didn't
reinforce the windshield.

That fucker kept...
Missed me by that much.

That's why you got the
roll bars behind you, dude.

Whose car is this?

- Uh, this is your guys' car.
- I rented it from you earlier.

Yes. Yeah, what...

Yeah, I hit a dog.

A dog didn't cause this.

Come on in.

I had a accident,
as you can see.

I was... I mean, I drink.
I just black out, so I...

Were you drinking or anything?

Yeah, I had a
little, to be honest.

Is there any
license plates on it?

There was. Yeah?

Well, hopefully you guys
will incur some of the cost.

Oh, no.

'Cause I rented it from
you guys fair and square.

Yeah.

I don't want to get stuck
with the whole charge of it.

Well, you are gonna get
stuck with the entire thing.

- Well, I don't think I should.
- I think you guys should help.

No. You declined any
additional coverage.

Right there. You declined it.

Yeah, but that's just
paperwork, you know?

That's a legal contract.
Yeah, but I was a little... I was...

I had a few to drink when
I signed that, too, so...

Well, we're gonna have
to get this worked out.

Yeah, you're gonna
have to pay for that car.

Well, you're gonna have
to help me pay for that car.

No, we don't do that.

I returned it with
a full tank of gas.

You returned it demolished.

Well, it's got a
full tank of gas.

That's the least of our
worries right now, is the gas.

Oh. This is an
unmitigated outrage.

I've never seen
anything like this before.

What does that mean?

No one's ever done that.

Well, I can't pay for it.

Well, you're gonna have to.

Well, I ain't.

Look, I'm gonna let you two guys
work it out and I'm gonna go outside,

but, um, that car's
gonna have to be paid for.

"F" you!

Are you all right?

You all right?

Knoxville knocked
my nuts in half.

This is the Muscle Stimulator.

Oh, it hurts my teeth!

I can't even turn it off.

How is that supposed to help?

Okay, are you ready? Yeah.

Think about your... your...

Okay, okay, I got it.
I'm taking care of you.

It's all right. Okay.
Oh, my God, it's so bad.

It's cool. You cool?
Yeah. I'm good.

Okay. Come on.

Ease up. Come
on. Daddy's got you.

Oh, my God, it's so fucking
bad. Daddy's got you. Come on.

Whoo!

You're gonna have tits of steel.

Oh. Yeah, you're
so buff right now.

Yeah, this goes on the gooch.
Yeah, go, go, go, come on.

This goes on the gooch.
Oh, dude, he's done.

Who's gonna do the gooch?

In case you didn't
know what the gooch is,

the gooch is the spot between
your balls and butt hole, and...

Ooh!

Does it smell like... Does it
smell like man? Ooh! Smell.

Just smell it. Just smell it.

Ehren, smell it.

No, come on.

Do your balls first,
just to get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
let's get it over with.

Are we ready?
You're so gone, man.

Okay.

He likes it! He
likes it! Oh, my God!

He likes it.

Afternoon. How you doing?

Oh. Son of a bitch.

What happened?

Oh, man!

Oh!

Fuck! Fuck! Oh!

♪ Well, now the
cats are rockin' ♪

♪ And everyone's
feeling all right ♪

♪ And on a Wednesday evening,
there's sure gonna be a fight ♪

♪ Yeah, a fight ♪

♪ I say somebody's gonna
get their head kicked in tonight ♪

♪ Well, now the
party's groovin' ♪

♪ And everyone's
shouting for more ♪

♪ More ♪

♪ I say there's gonna be a
pool of blood on the dancefloor ♪

♪ More ♪

♪ I say somebody's gonna
get their head kicked in tonight ♪

♪ We're gonna
rip up the chairs ♪

♪ Tear down the walls,
smash up the band ♪

♪ And really have a ball ♪

♪ The busboy's gonna
beat up on his face ♪

♪ And the whole dance
floor will be a total mess ♪

♪ Well, the cats are rockin' ♪

♪ And everyone
is feelin' all right ♪

♪ All right... ♪

Whoa!

♪ I said somebody's gonna
get their head kicked in tonight ♪

Yeah!

Oh.

Yes! That was the
best thing I've ever seen.

♪ Tear down the walls ♪

What?

♪ And the whole dance
hall will be a total mess... ♪

Oh, fuck, dude.

Nice, yeah.

♪ And on a Wednesday evening,
there's sure gonna be a fight ♪

♪ Be a fight! ♪

♪ I say somebody's gonna get
their head kicked in tonight ♪♪

Are you okay?

Are you okay? Are you
okay? Get over here!

Help him! Help him!
Help him! Medic!

No, no, no, no. Don't
move him. Don't move him!

Oh, shit.

That had bad news written all
over it. Are you okay? You all right?

That was like the worst thing
that could ever happen, right there.

Dunn can't drive for shit.

I don't know what happened. I
just remember we went in the air,

and the next thing I know I'm
just fucked. Look at that cart.

Dude, you were
hauling so much ass.

We're here in Tokyo,
and I feel like partying.

Hi. I'm Party Boy.

Oh, can I try this?

Here we go.

That's my party music.

♪♪

You like it?

Kind of makes you
wanna party, huh?

Kind of feel like
partying right now.

Ready?

See, that's what the big ones
do, but sometimes they don't...

It'll take a while before...

Oh, fuck!

Don't pull on it, man. You
can't pry his mouth open.

It's slowly getting
away. It's slowly...

Is he opening it?

No, you're twisting him!
You're fucking twisting him!

Oh, fuck! He's got my nipple,
dude. He's got my fucking nipple.

Wait, wait, wait,
he's gonna open it.

I know. I know. Hang on,
hang on. Hang on. Don't move.

You little bastard!

Oh, look at the teeth marks.

Man.

I'm Bunny, the lifeguard,

and if any of these alligators
try to ruin our swimming,

I'm gonna rassle them down and
probably have my way with them.

If he falls and he
lands near an alligator,

and an alligator grabs a
hold of him, Steve-O will relax,

let the alligator take him and hope
that the alligator will release him.

Hi. I'm Steve-O, and
this is Alligator Tightrope.

Oh, shit.

There's no such thing
as failure, Steve-O.

Take another step.

You got it.

One thing I know is
good tightrope walking.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

You're cool. You're good.

Go put the chicken on him!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, shit. There you go.

Yeah, there you go.
Food, food, food, food.

Go back down a little bit.

Go, keep going, Steve-O.

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Yeah!

Keep going, Steve-O. Keep going!

Keep going, Steve-O!

Keep your head up, Steve-O!

Keep your head up!
Keep your head up!

They got you now.
You're doing good!

Keep your head up!

Keep your butt up!

You got it! All
right, all right!

Keep your butt...

Put it in your ass
and let him take it.

Come on.

Stick the bone up your ass.

And let him pull it out.

Food, food, food, food!

Get ready. Here it
comes. Here it comes.

Stay there. Don't
move. Don't move.

It'll be over
before you know it.

Don't look! Don't look, Steve-O.

Don't look.

Don't look, Steve-O! Don't look!

Stay still. Stay still.

He's going. He's got
it. Don't look! Don't look!

Don't move!

Hang on!

Hold still! Hold still!

I ran straight into a
crocodile. What the hell.

Oh, my God.

Why can't you
walk on a tightrope?

I don't know.

I thought you'd do it.

Yeah.

I just... I don't know, man.
But I'm sure I could learn,

but today, you know,
today was my first try.

I'm Bam Margera, and my
parents are dead asleep.

It's 12:42 right now and Phil has
to be at work at 5:00 in the morning.

So he's trying to get
a good night's sleep

and I'm gonna go
wake his ass up.

I'm dying!

Holy shit!

Oh, my God, I'm opening the
windows. Getting crazy over here.

Look at Phil's tummy.

Oh. Oh, my God!

Phil, you gotta be up for
5:00 in the morning tonight.

6:00, gotta be at work.

Yo, here he comes. Here
he comes. Here he comes.

Jesus Christ, Bam! I almost
broke my leg getting out of there!

There's shit all over
the goddamn van.

How am I going to work now?

♪♪

Go!

I... Jesus!

♪ That woman in the
corner cold playin' the role ♪

♪ Leave her ass in the
corner till her feet gets cold ♪

♪ Knowin' for a fact
that girl is wack ♪

♪ If you hold your hand
out, she'll turn her back ♪

♪ Better walk, don't
talk, she's all pretend ♪

♪ Can't be her friend
unless you spend ♪

♪ Wall to wall after
all, get ready to throw ♪

♪ All your money at the bitch ♪

♪ 'Cause she thinks
she's sophisticated ♪

♪ Sophisticated ♪

♪ Sophisticated ♪

♪ Sophisticated ♪♪

♪♪

What are you doing?

You know, I ought
to arrest you right now

with all that in your clothes.
What's wrong with you?

What are you talking about?

Get this out of
your pocket, man!

That's all me! All of this!

All of that! That's all me!

What is this bullshit?

What is wrong with you?
Those are my bananas.

Don't never come in here
no more, man! What are you...

Get out! And take the other
stuff out of your pockets.

Jeez! Get it all out!

That's how you treat an old man?

Yep. Get out! Go! An old man
that steals, I can't believe it.

Hey, man, what kind of
games you playing? Get out!

Get out, man! God damn it!

What is wrong with you? Get out!

Man, quit playing!

I was Lon Chaney's lover!

Go back and love him!

So, we're gonna go to this
hardware store. They sell toilets.

And, uh, I'm gonna take a
shit right in one of the toilets.

I'm gonna shit in my pants
before we get to that fucking place.

Dave, fight it, man.

And I don't even want to
make a joke about it right now

'cause I just wanna hold it in.

Gotta poo? Pretty much.

Really? Yeah.

Like, really bad. Don't... Do
you want to ruin everything?

I swear to God, it's...
Really? Like, that bad?

Yeah, like, it's a problem.

Is this the worst you've
ever had to go boom-boom?

No, no. I shit my
pants at the fair.

Oh, dude, he's
shitting right now.

Get out of the car! Oh,
get out, dude, get out!

No shit, get out of here!

Come on, man, get out of the
fucking car. Get out of the fucking car!

Oh! What do I do?

Did you shit?

Did you do it?

Holy shit! I'm taking a
cab back to the hotel.

He just shat everywhere.

What's wrong, man?

I had to sit there
while he shat.

I need to go home right now.

It's on my hand.
Just let them see it.

Is that a bolt? We have very...

What the hell you
doing? What was that?

What are you
doing? Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm almost done.

I hope you didn't take a
shit in that, son of a bitch.

You take a shit in that, they're
gonna get you to clean it out, pal.

That is disgusting, man.

What a fucking Froot Loop.

Want me to play it back?

Hey! What the fuck? What the...

Got him, dude. And
there went his hair.

Turn around. Let's see it.

That was so much.

Oh, no!

- Yeah.
- Look at me.

That's a good one.

We're ready.

I'm Ehren McGhehey,
and this is the Mousetrap.

♪♪

♪ You'll be the cat,
I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat,
I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat,
I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat,
I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat,
I'll be the mouse ♪

♪ You'll be the cat,
I'll be the mouse ♪

All right! All right! All right!

Come on! Come on.

Okay, that's enough.

That's enough! That's
enough! I called it! Hey! Time!

The Bungee Wedgie.

Dude. This isn't gonna work.

It might.

What's... What's
gonna happen here?

I don't know, but it's not
what's going to be intended.

Raab's putting a
fucking tampon on.

That's like a Courtney
Love-sized maxi pad.

Dudes, this is, like,
worse than a hanging.

I'm Raab himself and I'm
a complete fucking idiot.

Oh, that's funny.
It didn't work.

Nope.

We gotta get another one, man.

Let's do it again.

Hey, I'm Raab himself,
and this is Bungee Wedgie.

Fuck!

Is that your shitty ass, dude?

Look at the bloody,
shitty underpants.

Didn't give me a
wedgie. I went forward.

I can't believe it.

That is so funny.

All right, we're here
in the valley today

to do our own little
riot-control test.

This is George Hruska.

All right, George,
uh, what do you do

and what are we
doing here today?

Well, I'm Vice President of
Operations with A.L.S. Technologies.

We manufacture
less-lethal ammunition.

We're one of the top manufacturing
companies in the United States.

And we're going to shoot
you with one of our projectiles.

It's called the Pen-Prevent.
It's a 40-gram, tail-stabilized bag.

It'll be traveling about,
uh, 250 feet per second.

Is that lethal?

I-It's considered less lethal.

So, this morning I thought I was taking it
in the chest with the beanbag projectile,

but George and his
company said, "No way."

'Cause if it hits
me in the heart,

I'm pretty much
done with, so, uh...

We want to take every
single precaution... Right.

Necessary to help
protect your vital organs.

Where are my intestines?
Are they in that area?

I think so. Awesome.

Ugh.

So are you gonna take
some practice shots?

Pressure.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah.

You know, this is nothing
to mess around with.

This is nothing
for... for anybody

to just throw into a
12-gauge shotgun

and... and, uh, you know,
think that they could take it.

You know, that's one of
the reasons I'm doing this

is because I can do
this in a controlled state.

Safety's off.

Going hot.

That really hurt.

That looked like it hurt.

Oh, fuck, dude.

Did you see the way I caught
that beanbag with my stomach?

That's instinct.

You can't teach that.

Ah!

It hurts so much.

Like going from a prone
position to standing is...

Ouch.

Hi. I'm Wee Man,
and this is a big cone.

♪♪

Oh, my God, my brakes!

I can't...

My brakes!

My brakes!

My brakes!

Stop me! Stop me!

Stop me!

Oh!

You all right? That was so fast!

You all right? Yeah.

You have... Did
your brakes go out?

Yeah. The whole
thing doesn't work.

Really?

Will you push me to the
top? I wanna do it again.

I could sure go for
a Miller High Life.

Oh, you're in so much trouble.

Kick her ass!

I'm about to get the shit
kicked out of me by a girl.

Dude, I told you
to keep up the left!

Hail to the queen!

That's the winner. That's it.

And the winner,
and still champion...

Now pronounce her name.

Look at his bloody mouthpiece.

Oh, God, my jaw is,
like, two inches to the left.

I... I seriously felt
all right for a little bit,

until she punched
me in the nose.

I knew she was fighting dirty.

Tropical Pole-Vaulting.

♪♪

Oh, Jesus!

Go grab the dead kitty.

Dude, I've fucking been in
there before, dude. It sucks.

♪ When the days are short
and the nights are long ♪

♪ And I walk and they walk ♪

♪ I twist and they twist ♪

♪ And I shimmy and they shimmy ♪

♪ And I fly and they fly ♪

♪ Well, we're out
there having fun ♪

♪ In the warm California sun ♪

♪ Where they're
out there havin' fun ♪

♪ In the warm California sun ♪

♪ Where they're
out there havin' fun ♪

♪ In the warm California sun ♪♪

Yeah! Whoo!

Oh, God!

♪♪

♪ I've got your picture ♪

♪ Of me and you ♪

♪ You wrote I love you ♪

♪ I love you too ♪

♪ I sit there staring and
there's nothing else to do ♪

♪ Oh, it's in color ♪

♪ Your hair is brown ♪

♪ Your eyes are hazel ♪

♪ And soft as clouds ♪

♪ I often kiss you when
there's no one else around ♪

♪ I've got your picture,
I've got your picture ♪

♪ I'd like a million
of you over myself ♪

♪ I want a doctor
to take your picture ♪

♪ So I can look at you
from inside as well ♪

♪ You got me turning
up and turning down ♪

♪ I'm turning in,
I'm turning round ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I
think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I
think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

♪ I've got your picture,
I've got your picture ♪

♪ I'd like a million
of 'em over myself ♪

♪ I want a doctor
to take your picture ♪

♪ So I can look at you
from inside as well ♪

♪ I'm turning up,
I'm turning down ♪

♪ I'm turning in,
I'm turning round ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I
think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I
think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I
think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

♪ I'm turning Japanese, I
think I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪♪

Since we no longer
have to bleep cuss words,

I promise I will get my mom to
say "fuck" by the end of this movie.

Hello. I'm Johnny Knoxville, and
we're about to test my rocket skates.

Go!

All right, this is rocket
skates, take two.

This one's gonna be a little more
powerful than the last one, so...

Why, these are
different bottle rockets?

No, there's just more of them.

Oh, fuck! What's wrong?

I fell and busted my ass,
that's what's fucking wrong.

That's it. No more
rocket skates.

♪♪

♪ That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ That's the way,
uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

God, this party sucks!

Hey, my man. Wasabi, lots.

Wasabi.

Yeah.

So today, I'm gonna treat
myself to some wasabi snooters.

God, chopsticks are so stupid.

That looks like a
pretty good line, huh?

Whoa!

More.

Do another snooter.

I need a pick-me-up.

Dude, on the
plate. On the plate.

Get him!

Get back here!

I said, "Get back here!"

Get...

♪♪

♪ My transistor radio
comes from far away ♪

♪ And when it's
night over here ♪

♪ I remember all the good
times I had a-walking in the sand ♪

♪ With a beautiful girl that
I met made in Japan ♪♪

This is bullshit, man!

Ow!

Phil?

Phil?

Phil?

Hey, Phil!

Oh, my God.

Is this thing real?

What thing?

This alligator!

What?

Look, look, look! Look
around the corner.

What is that? Where
have you been?

Don't you even look?

Oh, my God! It's
moving. Oh, Phil!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I don't know what to do now.

Aren't you scared to death?

Ooh, it's so gross that
it's even on the floor.

I'm going out! I'm
leaving! Where's my keys?

That is the scariest fucking
thing I ever saw in my whole life!

I'm leaving.

Don't leave. Where
the hell you going?

I'm leaving. I swear to God!

Phil, seriously, please. Help!
Help me get this thing out of here!

I'm scared to death!

Oh, God!

Oh, man.

No! No!

No, I'm not letting in the...
No, no! God, where is it?

Oh, please! You don't have
it, do you? No, we don't have it.

It's not there?

Like, seriously, is that real?

I'm serious. Is it real?

Is it real? Is it real?

Yes.

I'm serious, get everybody out!

Dude, dude. Wait.
Stop! Chill, dude.

Whiz kid kicked your ass, dude.

I didn't even get you.

You got beat up by Wee Man.

Dude. Let me see.

He didn't even get you.

Where? I didn't even...
He didn't even get you.

Let me see the
back of your head.

Oh, dude.

It'll be all right.

I'm here with Eric Koston
and Clyde Singleton,

and today I'm gonna
50-50 this rail, and...

Or try to.

So, this thing's long.

Yeah, thanks. Thanks
for reminding me.

You got it.

I got it. I got this.

- Dude, is he gonna go?
- Yeah.

Is he gonna go? He's
gonna go somewhere.

He's going. He's going, yeah.

My impression of Johnny
Knoxville. Something like this.

"Oh, my face!"

I'm Johnny Knoxville and
I'm gonna grind this rail.

Ready, set, go!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

He made it all the way down.

I can't believe he got that far.

You made it to
the fucking bottom!

I can't believe he got that far.

I can't believe... I can't

This is the Paper Cuts.

I'm getting paper cuts between
the webbings of my fingers

and the webbings of
my toes. Hold it still.

There's no good way to do it.

Yeah, I know. So just deal
with it. Take a... Take a breath.

Oh, you can feel
when it goes in.

Oh, give me... This one works
good, give me the next one.

Do it. Do it.

Oh, yeah, opened
up with a good one.

Did you hear that?

Oh, that was my flesh! Oh, shit.

If I do your hand, you'll forget
about the pain in your foot.

That's a good point.

Take a deep breath.

Lance is trying...
Are you gonna puke?

Don't, Lance, there's
so many places for you to

Watch Lance pass out.
Lance is gonna puke!

From what, the pepperoni
or the paper cuts?

Both?

The pepperoni.

It's good! With pig entrails.

Is he okay? I don't know.

- Wait, is he all right?
- Lance, are you all right?

Medic! Hey, don't
knock over the beer.

Dude, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

And get him in a cold room.

This is the greatest bit ever.

Steve-O, if you want to do
some more, do it. I'm done.

Is everybody ready? Yeah.

See the look on his face?

Do one more. Do it again.

That sucked.

God, am I glad I came down to
see what was going on in this room.

Mmm-hmm.

Wait a minute.

I know what my
fortune is. It's partying.

♪♪

This is Sweaty Fat Fucks.

♪♪

♪ I like big butts
and I cannot lie ♪

♪ You other
brothers can't deny ♪

♪ That when a girl walks
in with an itty-bitty waist ♪

♪ And a round thing in
your face you get sprung ♪

♪ wanna pull up front, cuz I
notice that butt was stuffed ♪

♪ Deep in the
jeans she's wearin' ♪

♪ I'm hooked and I can't
stop starin', oh, baby ♪

♪ I wanna get wit ya
and take your picture ♪

♪ My homeboys tried to warn me ♪

♪ But that butt you got
makes me so horny ♪

♪ Ooh, rump of smooth skin ♪

♪ You say you wanna
get in my Benz ♪

♪ Well, use me, use me ♪

♪ 'Cuz you ain't that
average groupie ♪

♪ I want 'em real
thick and juicy ♪

♪ So find that juicy double ♪

♪ Mix-A-Lot's in trouble,
beggin' for a piece of that bubble ♪

♪ So I'm lookin'
at rock videos ♪

♪ Knock-kneed
bimbos walkin' like hos ♪

♪ You can have them bimbos ♪

♪ I'll keep my
women like Flo Jo ♪

♪ So your girlfriend
rolls a Honda ♪

♪ Playin' workout
tapes by Fonda ♪

♪ But Fonda ain't got a motor
in the back of her Honda ♪

♪ My anaconda don't want
none unless you got buns, hon ♪

♪ You can do side
bends or sit-ups ♪

♪ But please don't
lose that butt ♪

♪ Some brothers wanna
play that hard role ♪

♪ And tell you that
the butt ain't gold ♪

♪ So they toss it and leave it ♪

♪ And I pull up
quick to retrieve it ♪

♪ So, ladies, if
the butt is round ♪

♪ And you want a
triple-x throw down ♪

♪ Dial 1-900-MIX-A-LOT,
and kick them nasty thoughts ♪

♪ Baby got back ♪

♪ Baby got back ♪♪

Oh, honey, it's been a while.

It's a little too much.

No, I...

Irving, you think you can do it?

Do you want a spot?
No, I got it. No, I got it.

You got it? Yeah, yeah.

If you need a spot, just
give me a call. Okay.

What's the quickest you
ever knocked anyone out?

I hold the California
state record.

It's like 18 seconds,
including the 10 count.

♪♪

♪ I took it to the jaw ♪

♪ One, two, three, there
was never a doubt ♪

♪ We want fun, and
you better believe it ♪

♪ We want fun, yeah,
you better believe it ♪

♪ We want fun, no,
you don't understand ♪

♪ Fun, fun, fun, fun,
make your demands ♪

♪ We want fun and you
might as well face it ♪

♪ We want fun and we
want to get wasted! ♪♪

I think you're gonna
break that today.

I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And I'm Butterbean.

Today we're gonna
do a little boxing.

All right, you guys. Touch
gloves and come out fighting.

Get up! Come on, Butter.

One more time.

This is the last time
you're kicking my ass.

One more time.
More pain. That's it.

You haven't even...
Hit me once, at least.

There you go.

That's it.

Is there a problem?

He's out.

Is Butterbean okay?

Look at this.

And by knockout in the first
round, new champion, Butterbean!

Whoo! Yeah!

Where we going, Knoxville?

The hospital.

What the hell are
we doing that for?

I don't know. Apparently I
have a big gash in my head,

and I think I'm a
little concussed.

Are you giving me a shot?

Yeah.

Are you okay? Mmm-hmm.

We got one more to
go, buddy. Yes, sir.

Then you're a free man.

Thank you.

You're gonna be not feeling
great the next 24 hours.

Thank you, Dr. Kipper. Okay.

You'll probably see me in two to
three days. See you in a couple of days.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

God damn it! What are you
doing? Hey! Get off, man!

What's going on here?

Get off! Get off!

We're in Okinawa and we're about
to go swim with some whale sharks.

But first, we need
to go rub one out.

Well, I made the
mistake of showing them

what sea cucumbers do
when they're threatened.

And that is, you know, as soon
as something touches them,

these white threads
come out of the end of it,

and Steve-O and Chris
thought it was a great idea.

So, they're out
there trying to, uh...

Masturbate? Masturbate. Yeah.

So, anyway, I... I apologize.

This is the Whale Shark Gummer.

With a simple
shave of the razor,

Steve-O easily disguises himself

to fool the whale sharks into
thinking he's a harmless young boy.

I am pretty nervous
about my wiener

around that whale
shark. I really am.

Now, the best way to
think of the whale sharks

is they're like big puppy dogs.

Uh, sometimes puppies bite.

Yeah, but they
have little teeth.

Puppies, they have
little teeth. Little teeth.

You're gonna get a gummer.

All right. So, it's kind of like
being with a gal with no teeth.

Kind of, yes. Yeah.

So right below in these waters,

30-foot whale sharks
are waiting to eat

these freaking shrimp
out of our crotches.

Okay.

Oh, they're kind
of... They pinch.

Are these alive?

They don't feel
good on the way...

You're part of this, man.

Look at this shrimp.

I guess I don't really
have any last words.

I'm just gonna kill myself
once I lose my wiener.

♪♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Let's do the twist ♪

♪ Come on, baby ♪

♪ Let's do the twist ♪

♪ You look fine, yeah ♪

♪ When you go like this ♪

♪ Tell me, baby ♪

♪ Have you seen my sis? ♪

♪ Tell me, baby ♪

♪ Have you seen my sis? ♪

♪ She knows how to rock ♪

♪ And do the cha-cha twist ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Yeah, cha-cha-cha ♪

♪ Whoa, baby, cha-cha-cha ♪♪

My penis is really small now.

I can't really look
cool right now.

Hi. I'm Johnny Knoxville.
This is the Tidal Wave.

How'd it look?

It looked good.

You just got drenched.

I don't even, like,
pick a tattoo, like,

unless I'm pretty sure that people
are gonna laugh every time they see it.

Oh, my God, dude.

Like, how do you perform the
fucking world's dumbest tattoo?

Fuck, man. At least I don't
have to look at it, right?

My name is Henry Rollins
and this is Off-Road Tattoo.

Yeah!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

This was designed
to fuck you up!

You Christian motherfucker!

Ah!

It's a total smiley face, dude.

I just fully got a haircut
just, like, a week ago.

You're about to get many more.

Yeah, me, too.
I am not doing it.

Look at Ehren.

Oh, shit!

So, we're finding it a
little bit chilly in Japan.

We're gonna warm ourselves
up with some fireworks.

Let's go, dude.

Roll back there, just a bit.

Oh, no! This is a
bad angle. Switch.

Oh, no, no, no.

Let's see.

Ow!

Like, an ember fell right
in my corn hole, dude.

Double knot it but gently.

You may think this
next stunt is impossible.

You gotta squat
a little, Pontius.

Every time!

Is Chris' dick shorter or...

Yeah, it's a little shorter.

Keep it in! Hold it!

Stick

It almost hit
Loomis in the face.

God damn, this is
the BMX Tug-of-War.

♪♪

♪ Let's get fucked up ♪
Fuck!

♪ Let's get fucked up ♪

What a dumb-ass idea.

I'm surrounded by cacti.

- For fuck's sake.
- Dude, it's a cactus.

It's cacti!

It's cactus.

Whatever it is, it hurts.

You wanna get up and cross?

This is the Yellow Snow Cone.

Pack it in there nice and tight.

Little cold out here. It might
take a second. Oh! There we go.

I'm not even worried about
the pee, I'm just worried about it

Come on, you're
missing the cone, dude!

I'm sorry. You're
missing the cone!

You better eat that
whole thing, too.

You gotta go eat that spot, too.

The male bonding...

Enjoy the snow cone.

Oh, you just wasted
a whole bunch!

Just get that whole mouthful,
right there. Keep going.

Keep going! Eat it!

Come on, it's your
pee. Dude, swallow it!

Oh, come on.

Hey, I'm trying. It's so cold.

Swallow it! Swallow it!

Oh, God.

Eat it! Eat it!

Swallow it, man!
Don't... No, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no puking.

I'm doing it!

Don't look at it.

Dude, it's dripping
out of the bottom.

Will you catch that, what's
dripping out the bottom?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

That sucked.

Kick yourself in
the head, Wee Man.

This guy. He'll do
anything just to look better.

No, get away. Now what is?

Are you starting to lose your
mind on that shit? Bam, stop it!

Now, you're getting
crazy on this shit.

Ape!

He's starting to lose it!

Jesus Christ!

Ape, I need toilet paper!

Okay, this is called
the Golf Course Airhorn.

When people tee off, when they're
coming down with their, uh, swing,

we're gonna blow these airhorns.

- Here she goes again.
- No. Is it another one?

She still hit it really good.

Holy shit.

What'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you?

Here, you've lost
your club. Sorry.

Didn't I tell you I was gonna come
over here and kick your ass for that?

What? I'm sorry. I got bursitis.

You got bursitis? Yeah.

So, that means you gotta
play with a horn? It helps.

I'll give you something
to play with, pal.

Sorry. It won't happen again.

- Oh, fuck!
- Shit. He's teeing off!

Get down! Get down! Oh, shit!

Get back. Get down, get down.

Watch this! Wait. Wait.

Get down, Dimitry.

Oh, these things are scary.

I'm Bam Margera.
I'm Johnny Knoxville.

And we're gonna
be burglars today.

Oh, God!

Fuck! Get the diamonds!

Dude, I told you not to
fall off the damn beam.

Turn around! Turn around!

Fuck!

Oh, holy fuck!

Idiot! What the fuck is that?

Go!

Holy fuck!

You all right? You okay?

I'm good. I'm good.

What'd you think happened
right there? It's embarrassing.

I was barely halfway
through the ceiling,

and you were
already out the door.

You were really sprinting.

Really, guys in masks, I'm out.

I don't play. I don't play.

Is there any actual,
like, real reason

why anyone would shove
something up their ass like this?

No. I'm claiming
predictions for this event.

Where's Ryan? Did you make them?

Number one, it's
not getting in there.

Number two, even if it
does, it's not staying in there.

Definitely no sitting
down happening.

Number three, there's no way
they're gonna believe that this is true.

So, you're saying it's...

I'm saying there's nothing I want
more than for this to happen, but...

You don't want it to
happen that much.

No, I really do. This is our original
talent for this piece, by the way.

Yeah. I think that...

It's one of the first things I think
I've ever seen you duck out on.

Oh, man, I am so glad
I turned this idea down.

I'm so glad.

I'll probably use all of this
before the end of the segment.

Uh, what else we got?

A condom. Thank you.

And, um, a little toy car.

Blue, it's my favorite color.

Let me see that. Dangle it.

Look at the reservoir tip.

Now I'm lubing up...

I can't see the car, Ryan.

The little toy car, because
I'm going to put it in my butt.

Be comfortable.

Hey, Ed's here
for rescuing, dude.

You're here for
making it a problem.

All right, you're
gonna watch this?

You're making me
uncomfortable. Sorry.

I gotta get another job.

Lube up your corn hole.

I am. I'm spackling.

"Spackling."

Heart rate's going up for sure!

Oh, dude, it hurts.

Your adrenaline's
flowing, isn't it?

There's no getting around
it, it fucking hurts like hell.

Come on in, Manny.

You're just in time, Manny.

Oh, Manny. Tell me I'm a man.

Hey, man, he's got it...

It feels so goddamn gross.

This is totally insane.

It's in, dude.

It's in? Yeah.

Let's see. Oh, fuck!

I feel like I have
to shit my ass.

Is there anything in tap?

You said that you
didn't want to do it

because your dad
would disown you?

Well, I mean, it wasn't that.

You drank wine off
of a dude's ass crack.

My dad never saw that. I
never told him that, you know.

I was gonna do this
and I was like, "Dad"

I was like, "Dad, we're
going hard these days,

"and there's some
ideas floating around."

I just mentioned the...
the car in the butt.

My dad, like... The only time in
my life I ever heard my dad, like...

You know, it's like
when your parents say,

"I'm not mad at you, I'm
just disappointed," you know.

Like, that hurts so
much more, you know?

Fucking rad.

Look at him walk.

Dunn's gonna win, dude.

I'm not too excited
about this skit.

It's not my favorite
I've ever done,

because there's a
toy car in my butt.

But this is the Butt X-ray.

I think I need an x-ray.

Antoine? Yes?

How you doing? Pretty good.

I'm Ryan, and this is...
What can I do for you?

I was partying last
night with some frat guys.

I passed out. I must've fallen
down and broken something,

'cause I haven't been
able to walk right since.

We're gonna take x-ray
now, to be sure. Okay.

Take a...

Oh, okay.

This is comfy.

Hold your breath. Don't move.

What is that?

I have no idea.

That's not part of you.
That's something extra.

I would've known if I ate that.

No. You... you wouldn't
be able to swallow that.

That is a car toy.

Well, how did a
car toy get there?

Maybe you stuck it up your ass.

I didn't stick
anything up my ass.

Have you ever seen
anything like that?

No, I never seen that in there.

I've seen a toy car all over, but,
no, never in somebody's rectum.

You can't get it out?
You don't have... No.

I'm a physician, but I
practice this, x-ray, only.

You think maybe I can
just, you know, poop it out?

You won't be
able to poop it out.

In fact, it will hurt you.

In fact, I don't think it's even
good for you that you poop it out.

What will happen if you
take Ex-Lax? Will that help?

No, if he takes Ex-Lax,

well, he gets a lot of
diarrhea, but no car.

I appreciate it. Thank
you for taking care of me.

Okay. Thanks again.

He's alive!

Oh, Johnny
Knoxville. He made it.

Oh, there is a God. Oh, please.

And at last! I thought
it would never...

This is the end! Oh,
thank you, Jesus!

Oh, child!

Let's see it! Let's see it!

Not that bad.

♪♪

♪ Moments like this never last ♪

♪ When do creatures
rape your face ♪

♪ Hybrids opened up the door ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, when you cry ♪

♪ Your face is momentary ♪

♪ You hide your looks
behind these scars ♪

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

♪ Give me a moment ♪

♪ Give me a moment ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, when you cry ♪

♪ Your face is momentary ♪

♪ You hide your looks
behind these scars ♪

Bam, what the...

♪ In hybrid moments ♪

♪ In hybrid moments ♪

♪ In hybrid moments ♪

♪ Give me a moment ♪

♪ Give me a moment ♪♪

Whose dick do I gotta suck

to get some
explosions around here?

♪♪

♪ I can't expect you to see me ♪

♪ When I'm not around ♪

♪ And my voice is destroyed ♪

♪ By confinement of sound ♪

♪ I'm a human machine ♪

♪ Laced with hidden disease ♪

♪ If the future looks bleak ♪

♪ Then you're connected to me ♪

♪ Flesh into gear ♪

♪ My self appears
dissected and pretentious ♪

♪ A simple sound, a heavy sigh ♪

♪ Could win the
whole world over ♪

♪ You live in fear of being
someone you didn't want ♪

It's got a boner.

♪ I realize your insecurities ♪

♪ Will get the best of you ♪♪

Oh! Oh, fuck!

That's a man.

Gator wrestling.

For fuck's sake, come
here! Hurry up. Hurry up.

Hurry!

We wanted to see if you would
run here with a car up your ass.

No, I ain't running anywhere.

It's scary enough to walk.

You're nice. You're a good man.

♪♪

Want to come over for dinner?

No, that's okay. You know
how to operate it now?

Yeah, I think so. I think so.

♪ If you're gonna be
dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

I need help. Yeah.

♪ When you get knocked
down, you gotta get back up ♪

♪ I ain't the sharpest
knife in the drawer ♪

♪ But I know enough to know ♪

♪ If you're gonna be
dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

The smiley face is
a complete crucial.

What did I say?

Fuck. Fuck.

I didn't say the "F" word.
Yeah, you did. You said "fuck."

Don't worry, we'll bleep it.
I did? Can we cut that out?

♪ And I had dudes
with badges frisk me ♪

It's all right. It looks
fine. It looks normal.

♪ To teach me how
to swallow pride ♪

♪ I took advice no
fool would take ♪

I think it says "fuck"
on my forehead.

They don't have a tail?

No! They must have...

♪ I ain't the sharpest
knife in the drawer ♪

♪ But I know enough to know ♪

♪ If you're gonna be
dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

Show him the x-ray.

♪ If you're gonna be
dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

I mean, trust me, dude,
I'm not unimpressed.

♪ That's the way it
is in life and love ♪

♪ If you're gonna be
dumb, you gotta be tough ♪

♪ If you're gonna be dumb,
you gotta be tough ♪♪

Fuck!

The next time, we
can do Son of Jackass.

Son

♪♪

Yeah, dude.