Jack & Yaya (2019) - full transcript

- I feel like she was a like
really big part of, like,

like an expression. Like it was like a...

When my mom would clean, like she would

listen to everything, like, uh what is it?

Bryan Adams, Def Leppard, Van
Halen, like the whole nine.

But it was like, uh Carol
King was the first one on.

And so it was like a...

I don't know, it was
like the perfect start.

'Cause all the songs,
like they're about love

but empowerment at the same time.

They're about like,



missing someone and she knows that she

can do good without them
but she just wishes that

they were there.

So it's where you're showing
your femininity but your

strength at the same time.

It's such, I get chills. Like I...

It's such a, it's good.

She's just amazing.

Just like she's doing what she
has to do, she's letting you

know like she loves you, but fuck you.

I gotta, I gotta do me.

I'm gonna miss you though.

I love that.

It's the one thing about being
a woman that like, that's



how I knew.

There was no way, like as
much as of a bitch as I am,

the amount of compassion
I can hold for someone.

Like not that men can't hold
compassion, it's just not a

natural instinct and my
natural instinct is to feel,

is to be that way.

I hate to let people know
that but that's just me.

And that's what this is,
teaching you about being

compassionate and being
strong at the same time.

While doing so, that's beautiful.

- You can lie down.

Hi. All right.

Lie down. Lie down.

Good boy. Relax.

All right.

Just stay.

I was going to sell it because
I started to get pissed off

that every time something broke

I brought it to them to fix it

but 'cause I don't want to do that.

I want to be able to fix it
myself but I don't know how to.

I don't think that I was
supposed to take that out.

Fuck!

This one looks clogged!

My dad had the same moped though.

When my mom was like 15 her
boyfriend broke up with her

and my dad was in love with her

and so he made her a chocolate cake

and rode it over on his
moped with one hand.

If it starts that's gonna be really fun.

Okay. No, it's not that.

So it's another fuckin' thing.

Plink's sad 'cause he wanted
to put on his goggles and get

in the sidecar.

Okay.

When I was probably like, I must have

been like seven.

And I really wanted short hair
so I went and I cut the sides

of my hair, just like really
really really really short

with scissors and I knew
immediately, I was like uh oh.

Shouldn't have done that.

And so my mom was like "What happened?"

So I made up a crazy story,
well actually it's really funny.

I was young so, I actually
must have been younger.

We'll go with seven.

I told her "Oh, I must have cancer."

'Cause I knew when you have
cancer you lose your hair

so I wanted her to not know
that I was the one who tried

to have like a boys
hair cut so I told her,

like in my head I was like,
"Oh, I'll pretend my hair's

falling, like my hair
will be falling out."

She was like, "You don't have cancer.

That's not how that works.

You cut your own hair."

- I feel like there's so many Yaya stories

of our childhood.

Once we're together...

We can't stop.

I met her she just turned
two, so I was three.

I was I think just with my dad.

We were in the backyard

and then there was like a little chain

fence and she was on the other
side with her Uncle Timmy.

And I just remember coming up
to the fence and I don't even

think we talked. I just
remember like, staring.

And then we just were
like, all right let's play.

And we just played every day.

The first time she comes over
to my house, she came in,

my mom was like "It's like
she knew exactly where to go,"

goes into my mom's closet,
puts on my mom's high heels

and just comes out tromping
around in her high heels

the first time we met.

And I was like, "All
right, I guess this is how

this is going."

We would play house, but it
was great 'cause like she

would be the mom, I'd be the dad.

We had no problems. It
was just like, you know...

living out our little freak lives.

Kids. Great.

- There was these boys up the street.

Collins kids.

And you know, they always
like picked fights.

They were bad.

And I would beat them up
'cause I just didn't care

and I could.

But this one day I was in
the house by myself and I had

lipstick on and a sheet wrapped
around me, like playing.

The one kid Matt Collins could see me

putting on the lipstick
and he started laughing

and called me a faggot.

My dad had a gun cabinet.

He could see in the window
that the gun was there and I

went like this... That's all I did.

My Uncle Jackie was
standing in Jack's backyard

watching me and told my mother.

And that was the only time she hit me.

Like, she took my head and
slammed it into my closet door.

My fantasy was to be
long-haired stupid gown...

I just wanted that.

I knew then that's what it was.

- Jack, I'm trying to
get you in the camera and

you're running away.

All you need is makeup.

- I don't know.

Maybe in my head they didn't
say you can't have short hair

but I just thought I couldn't.

They also like, got me everything
I asked for for Christmas

of football stuff, and they
knew I wanted to do karate.

I don't know they didn't
stop me from doing

other gendered things.

- You gotta practice your kicks.

- Ooh! I wanna play with Daddy with this.

I'll hit him over his head with it.

- I didn't really know
that I wanted to be a boy.

I knew that like, I wanted
to be married to a woman...

and then I remember thinking,
"This is wrong and I need

to fix this." Even then.

I was like, "This is not
okay. I need to change this.

This is gonna be problems for me."

I asked my grandmother one
day when Rosie O'Donnell came

out as gay.

So whatever year that was.

I said...

She used to watch the
Rosie O'Donnell Show a lot

and she liked her and
when she came out as gay

I remember sitting on the
porch with my grandmother.

I was reading the newspaper.

I don't know whenever Rosie came out.

'97 or something like
that? Maybe before then.

And I was like, "I'm gonna ask
my grandmother how she feels

about this to see like,
if she'll love me still.

For anything."

And I was like, "Oh so how do you feel

about Rosie O'Donnell being gay?"

And my grandmother just
looks at me and is like,

"I don't care.

I think like whoever she
wants to love she can love."

And then I remember saying,
this is actually really funny.

I was like, "I don't get...

Why does Rosie O'Donnell then,

think Tom Cruise is a cutie patootie?"

Remember she always used to say that?

"How can she think he's
cute if she likes women?"

And my grandmother just being like,

"Oh well the world doesn't
want you to see that."

And I was like, "Oh."

She was like, "So she hides it.

And so she says that he's
this so that other people will

will like her still."

And I was like, "Oh this
is gonna be a hard...

This is gonna be hard."

- I'm going home to see my
family and that includes Yaya

and we get to all hang out and
spend Fourth of July together

and hopefully do some family
time, lots of cooking.

Lots of partying.

More partying than cooking.

Plinko's really excited 'cause
he knows where we're going.

Plinko! Plinko!

We're going to see your grandpa and Yaya!

Say "Yaya!"

- I'm gonna stay with my Dad.

My Dad and his girlfriend Pam.

And yea, it's the house
I grew up in and it's

next door to Yaya.

So she is hopefully off some
days so we can spend some time

together and recently
trying to change her name.

Trying to help her out with
going through that process

because it's been easier for me,

here in Massachusetts, than her.

And she has a lot going on in
her life and I know that will

really help her out because
every time I go home if we go

shopping or something and she
uses her card I know she feels

anxious 'cause it still says
Christopher and if anyone

asks she says, "Oh it's my boyfriend.

Let me take the card out."

And I just think it's time to
like, to have her feel better.

- Look at you, you handsome man!

Oh my god!

- I love that you have the Tony strut.

- Ow! I was in the pool.

You're manly.

You don't have to smack me like a man.

Hi! How was your drive?

- Tony!
- What's dripping?

- The air conditioning. What's up bud?

- Smells like weed in here.

- When doesn't it?

- Oh Mitch is here and Eddie's there.

Of course it will smell.

- Hi.
- Good to see you.

- You should have been first
you pregnant little bitch.

- My parents, they were living
in an apartment and then

they decided that they
wanted to buy a house.

So they borrowed money from my grandfather

and they bought this house and on the,

I think the day we moved
in my Dad took me outside

to look at the backyard
and next door there was a

different fence but I remember
you were with Uncle Timmy.

- Basically to me, in a
weird, weird way, Jack had the

longer dark hair, resembled
Tony, which had the Uncle Jessie

brown curly mullet, you know, and the tan.

- Back in the '80s.
- And the blue eyes, you know.

And Jack had that but
Jack was my age so he had

this like brave, fearless personality.

Like he wasn't scared
of anything and he kinda

just did stuff.

- Yaya, she was so much fun to play with.

To be honest, I think the reason why

we were such good friends
when we were younger

is because of who we actually are today.

I think that like, being
younger and not having the words

for how we felt inside I
think we just acted it out

by playing house.

- When we were kids Jack
and I would trade toys.

There's actually a home video
of Jack getting a Barbie

mannequin head going,
"Christopher will love this!"

A Barbie style head!

- Christopher will wanna play with that!

- Like, Santa left it at the wrong house.

I really was like, "Oh, what a mistake..."

- Do you like what your sister got you?

- Yea. Thanks Trace!

- I think we both were wise
and broad for our own age

if that makes any weird sense.

Because thinking about it
now there were things that we

shouldn't have known and things
we shouldn't have done and

things we shouldn't have thought
about but we did and we had

these feelings as if our souls were old

and knew each other and had met again.

- That's true.

- And it took and it us
to turn around and go,

actually it took him to
say, well, you're gay and...

- No I said, "I'm gay and you are too."

- No, you said, "You're gay and so am I."

Basically like you came out afterwards.

You like made sure that
I was first, to then say

that you were. To see my reaction.

- We were sitting in my car
and I thought I had figured out

what was wrong with us.

I was like, I, I got it!

I know why we're such freaks.

- I knew it would work out.

I don't know how I knew
but I knew.

Well, I guess I didn't have
a choice but yeah I knew it

was the right thing.

Even though I knew I was too young.

You know, 18 years old all
my friends were going to the

prom and I was pregnant.

Going on the senior trip...

but I didn't care. I missed
it, oh well.

Tony and I had a
conversation, something like,

"Oh, what do you think? Our oldest is gay.

Like, almost as a challenge
to see what I thought.

- She's getting married too.

She's part of it, right?
Thank you everybody.

- She didn't wear it very long.

- I came out to my mom first.

It didn't go so great.

My mom said, it's rough,

and I knew she probably feels embarrassed.

She said, "I've never been
more disappointed in you."

So, that wasn't good.

That was not a good response.

But I already was like,
if she doesn't like it,

I'm running away, you know?

And my mom just takes a
long time to come around.

But then when she's around, she's good.

I didn't think my Dad was closed-minded.

I don't know why I was scared to tell him.

But, I come home from a fight
with my first girlfriend,

Lindsey.

I see my Dad in his tighty
whities in the hallway just

coming into the living
room. He's like, "Jack!

What are you do "No," What
the fuck are you doing,

why are you home so late?"

And then at first he was mad at me

and then when he saw my face

he had seen I was crying I guess.

And he's like, "Are you okay?

Are you in trouble with the law?"

And I was like, "No."

And then the next thing he said was,

"Are you and Lindsey fighting?"

And so I knew he knew the,
you know, dynamics of our

relationship and then I'm hugging him

and he's just like, "What's up?"

And I'm like, "Well Dad,
me and Lindsey aren't just

friends,"and he goes,
"Oh baby, I knew that.

You didn't have to tell me."

He was like, "Well, let
me make you some tea."

So like at two in the
morning on a Wednesday,

we're just like sitting
in the kitchen having tea.

- This club is great.

The shit that used to happen was nuts!

I don't know the guys
were always just fun.

Like we would do, it was like fun.

Well I think it was a bunch
of young kids back in the day.

They drove down the woods...

This place has been here since '49.

For me, when there's kids
here, like family picnic,

I don't even pay attention
to the adults anymore.

I'm all into kids having
fun, jumping into the lake.

I want them to experience the club.

I think our main goal is "To have fun."

Right here, my Dad's
brother, Uncle Howard, who's

on my dresser.

They said he had a heart attack

but I think he died of AIDS
and nobody really told us.

"Gay" was always in our family.

So I've never had an issue with it.

I've grown up with my uncle
he's, best motherfucker you

ever wanna meet.

But as far as "transgender,"
that didn't come

for a while later.

The one thing as a parent that I've

always thought was,
"Never judge your kids."

Whatever they do, as long as
they don't effin' kill somebody

or rob somebody or hurt
somebody, then they're fine.

Same body, same head...

Same person I know.

Jack can say, "Dad, I'm
sorry I'm a transgender alien

from fuckin' Egypt, "and I'll go," Where?

Egypt? It's a little hot there isn't it?"

And we'll be okay. I love my kids.

- I didn't know you had a doctorate.

- Doctorate? What's a doctorate?

- To be a behavioralist!?

- Behavioralist? What's a behavioralist!?

- Exactly.

- I done raised two kids.

- Barely.

Fucked up.

- I've never steered you the wrong way.

If you ever think I did, you let me know.

- I'll get a pen and paper.

- Pam, get a pen and paper!

- I'd rather type it.

- Type it!

- He's way more comfortable in himself.

He doesn't give a shit who's
around and says, "That's bad."

He's Jack!

He's my son I always wanted and had.

Look at him! Beautiful person. Yea.

Cut!

- And during the week it
was just basically like,

do your homework, weekends were-

- Party.

- We're gonna have a party. We're gonna-

- You stay out of our hair.
- Yea.

- Younger
- Look! A porno movie.

Why don't get to bed so you
ain't late for work again, man.

You can't lose this job!

- First you grab the hat,
then you twist the hat,

then you turn the hat,
then you slam the hat.

- Then you drink a Budweiser!

Then you make sure it's a
starter hat.

- Don't do that!

We're gonna get dizzy when we watch this!

- We partied with them. And
then they would get mad at us.

And it was bedtime after that.

- What time is it?

- 10:00.

- Why don't you go to bed?

- Where are you going?

- Who?

- It was like a mirrored image.

Jo Ann was like set on making a career

and a thing for herself

and Tony got up every day
and worked for a township and

had great benefits.

On my side, my Dad was barely
making nine dollars an hour

and my mom, she was on her way

to get her own cleaning business

for a short amount of time
before she had her nervous

breakdown after having my youngest

sibling and like, lost herself.

So, here you had this like,
sense of stability and over here

it was like, chaotic.

- It didn't necessarily
provide us with the,

"You're going to be set later
on in life" type of deal.

- Well I always thought
she was gonna be a girl.

I was really surprised that she
was born a boy because I had

nothing but feelings she was a girl.

We go back I have a lot of
gay people in my family.

My grandmother didn't say
they were gay, she would

say they're funny.

Chris used to get beat up in
school, he did for being gay.

And I said to him "Well,
I can't believe that you

don't believe it.

You should have known
this was gonna happen."

I said, "Don't sit
there and take any shit.

I don't care what you have to do.

You don't take any shit from anybody."

It's hard to understand to
some people and I really like,

if you have a hard time, then
put yourself in that place.

You know, just...

Just for an hour.

My brothers and sisters were...

Didn't know how to act.

Around me.

Because they know that if they
said something wrong I'd be

on them like...

A screaming eagle.

They don't wanna talk
about it in front of me.

Because we were raised very
strict Catholics and um,

I had a hard time accepting it.

And I worry still today.

You know, uh, "Where's he
gonna go when he dies?"

Bothers me a lot.

I don't see anything wrong
with it first of all,

I'm not God.

You know?

I don't know what He has in mind

and I don't believe He's gonna

throw somebody in hell for
uh, doing what comes natural.

I couldn't ask for better kids.

They go out of their way
to do anything for anybody.

I think the hardest part is over now.

It was coming out and letting
everybody know and not being

ashamed of who you are.

So I think it's gonna be
smooth sailing from now on.

And Chris does not

take any crap.

- But it was just like, you know...

drag was my outlet

and that's when I first started practicing

my makeup to get better and I
realized that that was a thing

I was like, "Oh this is what I am.

I'm a drag queen.

This makes me happy and then
I started like, Googling and

looking up different performers

who had their surgeries and I

was just like, "Oh, so
you can actually do that."

- I had a friend, he was
like, "You gotta come

to this drag show." And I
was scared of drag queens.

Literally, I was like, "I
don't know that I would want

to go to that."

So I went and then it became
something where I was like,

"Do you think, I wonder
if I could do that."

And then they were winning money

and I was like, I could totally

do three cartwheels into a
split and win some money.

So then I performed and I won,
the first time I performed.

Which in turn inspired Yaya.

She was like, "I think
I could do that too."

The very next Thursday,
Yaya performed for the first

time and did a Mariah Carey song and then,

that's how Yaya was born
but I was Sucha Dalight

and then Yaya became Yaya Dalight.

- Everywhere I went, I was in drag.

If I went to the movies or the store

I had to go with makeup.

I couldn't just go as a boy.

Like, I couldn't just go as Chris.

She started doing the um, the dress up.

The drag stuff.

I thought it was, you know nice,

and she really looked beautiful.

But that was her way of being
comfortable and I didn't know

how serious she was.

I thought it was...

'cause she won a lot of contests.

You know? And um...

That's what I thought
it was and for the fun.

- Then eventually she said to us,

"I think I'm gonna start
wearing makeup to work.

And start testing the waters."

And we were like, "What do you mean?"

Like, "What do you need to do that for?"

Being her gay brother,
I was supposed to get

it right away, without any questions.

But I didn't.

John, had said to me, "Oh
so you're gonna be a tranny

whore on the street?"

And "You're gonna be one of
those disgusting trannies."

Because at the time,
there was no education.

I remember getting choked up.

I was like, "I can't
believe you said that to me.

I didn't expect you to act like that."

- It's almost like, it's
okay that she's trans,

it's okay that she's a she,

but there was a Chris that we loved too.

That we had to say goodbye to.

As similar as the two people
are, Chris had a different

personality than Yaya.

I used to dress Chris
in my clothes as a boy.

Like, when we would go out,
like I would help Chris pick

out outfits 'cause Chris
was not really fashiony.

But then Yaya is the Mariah
Carey of South Jersey.

The more everyone was just
like, "Yes, Yaya! We love Yaya!"

The more I was like, "Okay cool."

I can be on board because
I know she's okay.

There was definitely
times where I went back

and said "I'm sorry for
not just going with the

flow like you expected me to be able to,"

'cause she deserves it.

And we've never had real
issues about it since then.

Do you not want some?

- No, I already put some on.

- Hi! Is that Winnie the Pooh's ass?

- Is it?

- Oh he's honey-drunk.

Muah. Okay let's go.

- Are you gonna wrap your
fuckin' traps or what?

- Yaya! It's a keeper!

- If you can dangle the chicken over it

it might grab the cigarette.

I would just die with
a crab with a cigarette

in its little claw.

You wanna see?

This is what we usually catch.

- You finally got your own cooking show.

- Oh, yes!
- In your dream kitchen.

- In my dream kitchen.

- Are those 25 count?

- Yaya, come eat a little
shrimp off my nipple!

- My family's always called me Jack.

Only my Dad would call me
Jacqueline, when he was

screaming my name in the
neighborhood when I wasn't

coming home on time.

My grandmother's good now.

She does have a problem
with pronouns so she

just says "Jack".

She has enough.

My grandfather has Alzheimer's,
so she just has enough.

So I never feel bad with her.

But I wrote her a letter just being like,

"As long as you love

me I don't care what pronouns you use."

They're making a little movie!

That's all.

- This is it, this is Pop's
closet, you know, thank you.

It's heavy.

- It's very heavy.

- When I die you can have it.

- Thank you.

- I was in the military and
I got most of my tattoos

when I was in the military.

This is a sign of the United States.

Okay, the eagle represents
the United States.

- My uncle Ed's ex-wife
is underneath that deer.

- He never thought-you don't get

other than family on ya. Ever.

- I love the "Dolores is my life" tattoo.

That's my favorite.

- Well I like white roses.

But he couldn't put white on there.

That's my favorite white roses.

- You got that tattoo the day I was born.

- And when he came home the

name was wrong, it wasn't
J-A-C-Q-U-I-E,

it was J-A-C-K-I-E. Jackie.

Now it's right.

- Yea. Pretty close.

- Mm-hmm.
- There you go.

- Mm-hmm.

He came home one night,
drunk again and I was

there with the kids, I was so angry.

His jacket was hanging in a closet.

And there was a gun in there
and I just shot at the jacket.

Boom!

And then he was trying to throw
me out and they were crying,

the kids were in their rooms.

And they're all twisted and I
was crying and he was trying

to throw me out.

And that bullet was still
in the house or something

in that closet.

- Yea when you moved out.

- I was babysitting.

Jackie had swallowed a
red marble and I still

have that marble, it's brown now.

And that's the marble that I
almost twisted myself 'cause it

went in that child's stomach.

Jack was always the one, number one.

See what they can fit in there. No.

- Look at the date.
- It says January 2016.

- That doesn't seem like-
- No!

I think that you already knew.

I told you 'cause I felt like

you were getting worked up going,

"He, she, she, he, he, he, he."

I don't you to feel upset
because I don't care.

- I don't wanna upset you.
- I'm not upset.

- You know, I wanted to get it right.

- I know.
- That's all.

Just right, I don't want to upset you.

- You don't upset me.
- Me either.

The reason why I love game
shows is because of her.

Okay. Pick your door.

- I'm picking one.
- I'm gonna go...

Then you're going this one?
- I'm picking one.

Well I wanna get on the
one that comes up here!

- She picks this one.

Oh! She won!

- Coming out as gay was
just so much easier for me

than saying I was trans.

When I was dating my
ex, once the end of our

relationship was apparent,
I took it really hard and I

realized that part of
why I took it so hard

was that she was a straight
woman and I didn't have to

you know, I didn't have
to figure out my gender

because in my head it was like,

"I'm dating a straight
woman, she sees me as this.

Everything is fine."

And then once we broke up,
I realized I don't want

to be somebody's girlfriend.

I would Google the word,
"transgender" and then clear

my search history.

Because that's how bad I knew it was.

Even though Yaya was already trans.

She was already out.

I just still wasn't as brave as her.

She just like, she might not
think she went in full force

but to me she did.

- The same year I won Ms.
Philadelphia Gay Pride,

it was 2009, I had my crown,

I felt beautiful, I
felt myself and in front

of 40,000 people, I
thought, "Today's the day.

This is it."

I took my first hormone
shot in the bathroom of a

restaurant at Pride.

Right as I started to
really develop, my mom was

diagnosed with cancer.

The doctors said, you know,
"Basically you have six

months to live."

And so of course because I am
my mother's daughter, and I'm

literally a replica of her,

our birthdays are five days apart...

I was stubborn and was
like, "You know what?

Screw this.

I'm still going to do this
because she's going to pass away

and she never got to live the life

that she deserved or wanted
and am I going to be her?"

Like in the very beginning,
she would go, "I just wanna

see my son."

I said, "I'm not your son.

I'm your child.

Am I not your child?"

"Well, why don't you wait 'til I die?"

She would say.

And I would get so mad

because I didn't want
to wait 'til she died.

I didn't want to wait 'til
she was gone to be myself.

And she said, "I don't
want no one to hurt you."

And I said, "What do you mean?
No one's gonna hurt me, Mom.

Do you not realize I can fight?

Do you not realize who you raised?"

And she would go, "I don't
want no one to kill you."

But she was so terrified that
someone would hurt me that she

would subject me to being
miserable, yet alive.

This is who I am and I said
to her, "You will accept it,

or I will leave and I won't come back."

And she accepted it, and I stayed.

And I still went through with
everything and I just did it.

And it was terrifying, and
it was hard, but I knew that

if I didn't do it then,
I wouldn't do it later.

Steps
to obtain a court order

to change your name in New Jersey.

18 steps.

Do you know how many steps I
did in Massachusetts? Guess.

- Two.
- Pretty much.

Step one, we filled out the
verified complaint form,

we filled out the order fixing date.

We filled out the civil case information,

we mailed the check to
the state of New Jersey...

Step seven.

This is where we're at. Step seven.

"The court will also indicate
the name of a newspaper

in which you have to do this-"

So now we have the newspaper is...

- Either the Times or Courier Post.

- So then we need to
figure out how to put this

in the paper tonight. Headline.

In the matter of...
- This fishy bitch named Yaya.

Change her muthafuckin'
name to Christina Jennifurt.

- Name of person placing this ad.

It does feel like pretty overwhelming.

I can see why you haven't
done it. I really do.

- And it's irritating because
when you're sitting here and

you're by yourself and you
don't someone next to you

talking to you, you're
just like, "Fuck it."

I don't know.

It was never something that I
was just like, "Oh my god this

needs to happen."

I was more worried about like,
"Oh I need a hormone shot.

I need an estrogen vial."

Versus, like, you know, I
was more worried about my

physical appearance and passing
than who's really gonna look

at my ID.

- Thank you for calling the
Superior Court Clerk's Office.

This is Annette speaking,
how may I help you?

- Hi, um, I emailed your
office earlier Friday afternoon

about my name change.

I have the final affidavit
right in front of me

and now I just need to
receive my certified copy.

- What's the docket number?

- L-760-17.
- Hold on.

- So you said it was
004-'cause it's not even

coming up under the docket number.

- No, that's not what
I said. I said 760-17.

- I would call the County Courthouse.

- For vote by mail ballots-

- Just start over again.

- Please press three.

For the County Clerk Records
Room, please press four.

That's it!

Yaya, do you want me, do you?

- This is the County Clerk's
Office, how can I help you?

Yes, um, I'm trying to get,
um, my certified copies

for the name change.

Am I at the right place
now talking to you?

- Yes, you are.

- Okay, thank you there is a
light at the end of the tunnel

because my head was gonna explode.

- Yeah, they mail you out copies.

They'll mail them out to
you. With the gold seal?

Yeah.
- How many?

- Yes, they'll send them out to you.

- Okay!

But thank you so much for
all your help and you have

a wonderful day, okay?

- All right, thank you. You too.

- You're welcome. Buh-bye.

Aw Dee, Dee Dee! Thank you!

- You know a movie that I didn't see?

- I liked "Cruel Intentions."
- What is it?

- The first time I really
remember, like, telling another

friend, I almost felt like
I had bad news to deliver.

Like I had something horrible to tell you.

And I was like, um, I don't
even know if I could say

the word trans! I don't remember.

I just think I was like
fumbling through it being like,

I don't wanna be, I think
what I said was like,

I don't wanna be a girl.

But then I didn't really
do anything about it.

I didn't tell another person
for another two years.

Even though I like kept going to therapy

and like I felt it and I would,

so from basically 26 to 28

I knew and I didn't do anything.

'Cause yeah, living in a city
and having an open family that

already knew I was gay,
like, it was still hard!

I still felt like shit.

- I don't wanna go to bed!

- Well, what are you gonna
sit in the backyard in the

dark by yourself?

- It is true.

What they were saying all them years.

All these years. It's true.

All you need is love.

I met Jack when she,
well he, was this big.

Jesus... well it seemed like this!

- Like a fish!

- It seemed like this big!

It looked like a fish to me
anyway, I'm a fisherman anyhow,

but we'd been living here
for quite some years, uh,

and they had moved in as
next door neighbors and

we just melted, like, and
turned into one family.

Friday nights especially
were the greatest.

Ya know, because that's when
it was like, ya know, game on.

♪ I got myself a guitar and
I got myself some strings ♪

When you're from
Philadelphia, there's no...

not being positive about anything.

If you needed something to
eat, you got something to eat.

If you needed a roof over
your head, you got a roof

over your head.

You couldn't want it any better than it

is right here, right now.
Even right now! To this day.

See?

This is what I'm tellin' ya!

I get a hickey from my next door neighbor.

What do you want?!

What more could you want?!

What? What?!

I love everyone. I love life itself.

I love that I woke up today to tell you

that I love this day.

I loved him ever since he was not him!

He didn't know it! But I did. I loved him.

But he didn't know it.

But he didn't know I loved
him. He thought I loved her.

But I love him.

And I still do and I always
will to my dying breath.

Always.

Every single day of my life.

I love you all.

And that's what it takes!

All you need is frickin' love!

- When Jack decided, it was, it was weird

because he never, he never said
"This is what I'm gonna do."

It was, "I need to get my top surgery."

And I was like, "What do you mean?"

And he was like, "I'm tired
of binding." And I was like,

"So do it! Just do it. Go for it."

I get chills from it because
I remember he was so panicked,

he was like, I'm gettin'
chills really bad,

he was... just.

You could hear, like, a
slight tinge of excitement,

like a, oh my God could I
really do this, behind the fear.

And I knew that!

Like, I was there.

I knew he was gonna do it
and I knew it was gonna work

out and I knew, like, he
would finally have that

feeling that I had.

- Are you gonna cry?
- No!

I just don't want to.

- You want like the Power
Rangers theme music?

Oh my God, I could totally play it.

Do not.

- Where's my phone? Let's
give him theme music.

I'm not doing it 'cause
I can't do it!

- Do you ever get nervous? - No!

I'm like, I want my breasts
to grow

and I'm done.

Like, literally just like that.

I'm actually jealous.
I wish I had estrogen.

I would totally stab myself with you.

I can do it for you.

- I'm not trusting you to
'cause you want to too much,

'Cause you're evil.
- I really don't want to.

But I just want you to not shake.

- Just stick it in!
- I'm trying, Dad!

- There's no trying just
stick it on your skin and push

it in and squeeze.

Push! Just push!

Deep down inside, that's
what you gotta do, do it!

- The deep down inside
part is the part that's...

You guys!

- I think you're overreacting.

- I am! I'm trying.
- It's shaky.

So it shakes a little bit.

What're you gonna do?

- Think of the aftereffects.
That's what I did.

- I know, that's what I
do. I think of beards!

- Here, I'll hold your leg.

- I can't...
- You can.

You really can.

- I gotta hold my leg myself!

- I think you're fine.

- Can you hold this side of my leg?

Okay, maybe I can do that.

- Yeah, you can.

- I need to do it!

- It hurts!

Yay!

- Are you bleeding?

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Well, thanks for coming
over to torment me.

It's all I needed. Yay!

- My levels in my brain don't feel right.

I'm not supposed to, like, have any

period at all 'cause most trans
people don't, like men don't

have their period.

And, like, I don't have my period

but I have, like, something.

Yesterday it was, like,
kinda there and so I feel

like there's hormones on that
side of me and then I'm low

on T and I just felt crazy.

I didn't tell you, don't
look at me like that.

I'm getting a hysterectomy
on the 15th of December.

They're paying for it?

- Yeah.

Where's this gonna be at?

- In Boston.

'Cause I can't just like,
do this, like, you know?

- Probably streaming right with ya.

Right here, this is where
that hippie van was down there

that I was telling you about, and the TV.

I remember there was one of
those dial big TVs down there

for some reason.

I had decent insurance
and then, all of a sudden,

it was like $500 a month.

Or something crazy and,
I made decent money then,

I did not make that good of
money to be able to cover all

that so I was back to
ordering my medicine online.

For a while I would also
get them also from friends,

you know, that were taking the same thing.

You know, it was kinda just what we did.

We would take care of each other.

Like if I ordered them
and they weren't in yet,

hey just give me one and
soon as my order comes in

I'll replace it or help you or whatever.

There was older trans women
that had been around for years

and actually sell them.

At one point me and my one
friend were using the estrogen

patches and taking a shot.

Which is not good for
your body really at all.

Um, and when the woman found
out that I was doing that

she was like "Well here's the
thing, I'm not gonna sell them

to you until you're done."

Here's a woman that I
didn't know her very well

and I trusted her and she
like was taking care of us

and that's why a lot of us
call some of these trans women

"Mom" and look up to them as a mother

I have people that call me
"Mom" because I took them in

and was helping them.

And it's like even if I
didn't have my doctors,

I would've had a way.

Yeah, there is someone down
there, I think he's fishing.

I wonder if that's
actually my dad fishing,

that would be really funny.

The only person that would
be fishing would be you.

- Those Bud Light Platinums
you have right there?

- Yep, just one.

- They're not even really supposed

to be in there technically-

- No, these are!

- No, they used to tell us to
try to get them out because

they like-
- Can you hear him?

Can you hear it croakin'?

Scratch his belly...

Hear it?

They were dolls. They
were like little girls-

- Ohh, yeah!

- They were called Time Out
Dolls. They would sit in the-

- They were fuckin' freaky!
- They were really creepy.

I still have them, I have mine.

I think she's in my basement...

- They were tall!
- Yes, yes, yes!

You would sit her in the corner,
but she was like a child,

they go to time out but it was
like a doll and it was almost

like a decoration.
- It was so weird.

- Which didn't make sense
to why they would make

a decoration to be a timeout but,

my mom just picked this
name out and we have this

doll named Crendlewynn.

And I said, "Mom where did
you come up with that?"

And she said, "Well, had you
been a girl this would have

been your name."

And I will tell you this,
that I didn't tell anybody,

for years I tried to disconnect
that wig, from its head

to put it on because I was
tired of wearing a mophead.

- Lower.
- Are you sure?

- Yeah, so that-

- Don't you want it, like,
right in between his legs, like,

there's so much paper room right there.

- It's gonna be all on the crab.

- Why you makin' noises like that?

It wasn't that hard.

Yeah, you could never
deal with me giving you-

- An injection?
- A hormone shot.

- Noo! 'Cause you can barely do this.

- I can do this! You're a fucking bitch.

Man up.

- Okay.

- Man up.

- 'Cause apparently Yaya, we
can't, we have to see what we

look like 'cause we're too-

I'm too vain.

That was a good one.

- My hysterectomy is
scheduled for December.

I scheduled it then because
that's when I need the most

time to recover.

So you need like a good two
to three weeks, well, two

weeks to be, like, no work
cause you're just basically not,

I don't know, able to move that great.

So, I'm going to have it coincide

with the school vacation.

But I don't want to be in
recovery so I'm sort of like do

I even want to have surgery.

Because back when I scheduled
it, I was sometimes bleeding

and that was really shitty.

Like, I don't think anyone
likes having a period.

Oh, my mustache looks amazing!

Look!

Hi.

- Why are you on, you had a
lazy eye when you did that.

- I was trying to show you my mustache.

- I was making a scary face
and then I noticed your

lazy eye and got scared.

You got a mustache?

- Yeah, look.

- Oh I see it!

Oh my god it's coming in!

- You look really great.

- Thanks!
- Hold up the ID.

Cover your picture, I wanna see it.

- I got it the day I went to the DMV.

The woman was really cool.

She made me basically have
a photoshoot right there.

My grandmom was really cute.

She was like, "Should I bake a cake?

I feel like we should bake a cake."

I was like, "No..."
- Awww that's the best!

- Can I tell you what happened to me?

- What, yes please. I'm
tired of talking, actually.

- Yaya, I was like crying,
I was miserable, I was sad.

I wanted people to like talk to me

and as soon as they talked to me

I was like, "Don't talk
to me."

I went to the grocery store and

bought a whole bunch of shit
on a credit card on food.

On the way home I'm like I feel
like shit and I was like I'm

really hungry and I couldn't wait to eat

the buffalo wings so I pull
over and I see a Best Buy

so I was like, I'm going to Best Buy

and I sit in the Best Buy
parking lot and I feel like,

I just start crying and I'm
eating these buffalo wings

and crying and then I was like,

"I need a new TV!"

I, luckily, had tampons in my
car because apparently I was

getting my period for the
first time in six months.

And so I have this TV.

It's still in, like, the
wrap because I think I have

to return it because I
don't know why I did that.

- We're like about at the same,

we're about the same right now.

Lemme see yours. Awww.

Wait, go back to yours.

I wanna take a picture too.

- I'm trying to but you're too close.

You went to art school, right?

Like, how do you not get this?

- I mine is perfect! Is it?

- You're jigglin'!

- Okay, I'm stoppin' movin'.

Oh, this is perfect.

That was the best part of my day!

So my mom, for my 30th
birthday, made this little

book for me.

And it's very cute.

And it's like the
history of her and my dad

and me as a baby.

So then I basically just started
finding pictures and I want

to put it to, like, a poem I wrote.

Right now I'm starting off with
us as babies and then, like,

the colors and then I feel like
once it starts to get older

I'm just gonna change us by
switching us around, kind of.

You know, I can look at these
pictures of myself as a little

"girl" and not feel upset but
then it starts to just become

anxiety and not just like
anxiety that everybody gets when

they look at pictures of
them in like fifth grade and

above but more so I can feel
my little bit, like, pain.

Like I didn't have pain
when I was this young.

I just did whatever I wanted to do.

Like, I was also just dressing
up like an insane person.

Look, I wanted a tattoo
on my butt even then!

I had two painting ideas and
one of them was like, uh,

like "what's between your
legs" like is a thing that

Yaya and I were talking about this

because she had an experience at work

where somebody stopped
her at her table.

Not, you know, a customer
of hers, but just walked,

when she was walking past said

"Excuse me, I don't want this

to upset you, but are you transgender?"

And, obviously, it did upset her.

And she was, she said
"Oh, how did you know?"

Was her first response.
Like, what gave it away?

And then she just spent the
whole rest of her day just

being like what...

you know, what gave me away
and I think I was thinkin'

about that in bed at night
and then I think even

like two days after that I
was at this show at the MFA

in Boston and this guy just
came up to me, we started,

some dude, we just started
talking and he was like,

"Are you, are you a man?"

And I was like, "Yeah." And he was like,

"Are you a real man? Do you have a penis?"

Like at an art thing! In Boston!

And I was like, whoa,
like, I can't believe that

this still happens.

So then I think, like, but
what's between your legs

kind of was like a thing
that I thought would be

interesting to just, like,
I dunno, paint about.

And then I'll probably paint over this.

I wind up painting things and
then just painting over them

when I don't care about them anymore.

So I have a lot of that stuff, just things

I'm not really... I dunno.

I don't mind this one so far.

I just don't know what to
do with the background,

but I think, you know, it's
cathartic to just paint and

listen to music.

- I never thought I was handsome.

I didn't like, I hated my body.

I hate, even now sometimes I
still hate, like, I'm pounding

makeup into my face. I
shouldn't have to do that.

I don't wanna do that.

I mean, yeah, if I'm going
out for the night and I wanna

wow the crowd, yeah, of
course, I'm gonna be fun,

but like I am going to cook
in my kitchen right now

and I feel like I have to
keep pounding makeup on.

I wanna wake up and roll out
of bed and not have to worry

about, you know, my face and
is the sun too bright today

because, you know, if
you're standing there

they're gonna see that you
have facial hair growing in

and you have these things that you

did not want coming out of your body.

And then you have to sit there
and decide whether you stay

in your room and play in the
bathroom and do your makeup

until 5:00 when the sun goes down

and then go to work because
your brain won't let you leave

during the day.

It's tough enough trying to
fight with your body every day.

Like to wake up and be like
oh god I've gotta do this

and I gotta...

Like me, I have platinum body
hair and I have to shave every

single day because electrolysis
is, to do my face would cost

thousands of dollars.

I don't have that. I'm a waitress.

I have to take care of a
grandmother and I have bills,

and I have things I pay.

I don't have just myself.

I have people that depend on me too,

as much as I depend on them

and I can't give up on them
because they didn't give

up on me when I thought that they would.

I'm trying to be Christina.

Like, I'm not worried
about what you're doing

in your house or with your body.

Why are you so worried about me?

Like, you can't see that I am
happy because you don't know

what I looked like before
when I wanted to kill myself.

You don't know how hard
it was to not kill myself.

I want people to be able to
not look at me and see the word

"tranny" and at the same time
I'm proud of being trans.

I want people to look at
me and just be like, "Damn,

she went through hell,
her own version of it,

and she's okay.

I can be okay too."

And I hate that slogan,
like "It Gets Better" and it

sounds so terrible but I do,
because I know that's to make

people feel better for
the time but people need

to hear the truth.
Like, it's fucking hard.

And that's why I feel like
these people hurt themselves

because they keep having
people in their face

going "it gets better"
but they can't see it.

'Cause I'm living that "it
gets better" thing and it's

still fucking hard. It's hard.

It's fucking hard. You wanna be happy?

It's gonna be hard.

But someone cares and someone needs you.

We're being micromanaged
by the federal government.

- You're getting a fever?

- Are you excited?

- I'm nervous.

- Eh, don't be nervous.

- Did you get your temperature taken?

- I'll do it right now.

- Yeah, show me. Show me the number.

- This is what it is.

- You really look like
your mom with dark hair!

It freaks me out.

Maybe you have a bad fever...

Maybe I'm the devil

- Oh!
- A hundred point-no.

- What if you're sick on Sunday?

Okay, here's the thing: if
you're sick on Sunday do not

come up here.

I can't get sick and that's a real thing.

- No, I know.

- And I also don't want
you to drive, obviously.

- Well, I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

I'm never sick-

- Yeah, but you do crazy
shit when you're sick so

like
All right, I love you.

- I love you.

- Bye!
- Bye!

- Oh, Yaya.

- I didn't read the
internet at all, I only

listened to the doctor and then
tonight I decided to have a

freak out and read the internet

and the internet said it sucks

and then now I feel like
I didn't wanna have it

but I'm gonna have it and
I'm just gonna have it.

I talked to my mom tonight
and she said it's just normal

to be nervous about having surgery but...

Tony's funny.

He sent me a text message that was like,

I'll have to read it,

but it was just like, you
inspire me to be my true self

and I was just like, I think you're really

your true self.

There's really no fakin' that.

If you're not you, there's a problem.

This is, like, counts for the
pre-surgical scrub, right?

You're bad.

I was up all night.

I saw every hour of the clock.

- Aw, were you just stressin'?

Or you weren't tired?
- I was tired.

I was stressed, I guess.

- Sorry!
- Just flew out of me.

Guess we can turn around.

Turn this car around!

I was thinkin' maybe I am
sick and then I'm like,

if this is a problem for
them and they cancel it...

is this just like the universe saying

"Don't get it!"

Why would the universe say
not to get a hysterectomy,

I don't know.

- Well, just get there and,
you know, tell your doctors

what's up and take it from there, right?

- When I came out that
I was gonna transition,

we were walking in Philly
and we were doing something

and I kinda nonchalantly said

"Guys, I'm gonna transition into a woman."

And they all kinda looked at me

and then Jack was like, "Really?"

And I was like, "Yeah, I'm
already taking estrogen.

I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna
continue." And that was

kind of it.

And I had someone that I
drove with in a car and I had

said to him, he was the first
one, we were driving back

from one of my shows and I
said, "Ricky, I think I need

to transition,"and I started
to cry and he goes,"Well,

from what I see, Yaya gets shit done.

And Chris kinda isn't as strong."

And I said "Because I'm not
meant to be him," and he goes,

"There's your answer." That was it.

I just needed someone to confirm that.

I needed someone else
that had picked up on that

'cause I had gone everywhere like this.

Now Jack, he's binded himself
and never dressed feminine.

I think the last time he
dressed feminine was, I think,

the high school prom!

And that was just for a prom,
just for a picture, just so

they had it.

You know, it wasn't like, I
don't really think that was

really a choice of his own.

I think it was, "I have to do
this to make my parents happy"

type of thing.

I noticed he was kind
of always really drunk

when he would come home and always like,

he didn't wanna be really near his family.

And he loves his family!

But he was, like, drifting from
them and I felt like it was

because he was, he knew
deep down that he was not

who he was portraying and...

I don't know, I just...

you finally get to see him and
you can see, like, his chest

poked out and he's like walking

with that masculine confidence
that he was suppressing,

in a way.

He let some of it out but now it's out.

Now he's like, "This is me."

You know, he's not afraid of things.

He has his moments that he'll call and go,

"I'm having a day, I'm having a day."

And I'm like, "Okay, what kind of day are

you having today?"

"I didn't take my, I have to
take my, uh, my testosterone

but I'm mad! I feel crazy!"

And I'm like, "Okay, be mad and crazy.

What are you mad and crazy about?"

"Oh, it's this." I'm
like, "Oh it's nothing.

Oh it's nothing. You'll be fine.

You'll be fine." "Uh blah blah blah!"

"You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

Like, there are so many worse
things that could happen.

You will be fine."

I'm starving.

Hi! C'mere boyfriend!

C'mere! Hi, I'm back! Hi! Hi!

So cute! Hi.

- Hi.
- Aw, I'm sorry.

Your mustache! Look at it!

How are ya?

- Are those new shoes? I like 'em.

- No, they're the same.
- They're cute.

- Where's the flour?
- In that red thing

- Oh, yeah.
- The big one.

- She's trying to be fancy.

- No, this, you didn't
give me a rolling pin,

but look how far I got.

- I use a wine bottle. Don't move, okay?

- That's actually not a bad idea...

- I get into the operating
room, I get in there,

then I'm still on my Valium.

And it's all these nurses,
just all these beautiful

women all around, just
anesthesiologists, doctors,

and I just like was crying
because I was really high

and I'm like, tears are
in my eyes, and I just go,

"I'm just so glad there's no men here,"

and they all just start
cracking up and then they just,

like, were like, "Okay,
count to 10 backwards"

or whatever and then I was out.

Do you see my stomach? Look at it.

It's like a fuckin' watermelon in it.

- I think we need to pull
this up on the TV and watch

what they do.
- I feel, like, really sick.

I don't even know when I'm
gonna not feel like this.

Oh my god. You're...

- I'm gonna fuckin-
- You're such a big baby.

You're gonna be so thankful in six months

when you never have to
worry about this ever again.

- I didn't say I wasn't gonna
be thankful, you asshole.

- I know but don't be a jerk.

What do you mean I don't know

when I'm gonna not feel like this.

- Call 911 if I faint.
- Nah, I'll just leave you

there and look at ya and
take pictures.

- You'll be playing Candy Crush.

- Yeah! I'll play Candy Crush
while you're passed out.

It's what I do to MomMom. It's perfect.

- What's today, Jack?

- Today is Super Bowl Sunday!

- Before I wreck the video camera...

- Today the Eagles are gonna win!

- I hope so.

- Dallas won, even though they suck.

Oh well, not this year, boys.

- Third time's the charm.

He blocks, see how he
came up and checked him?

'Cause the quarterback, if you go back...

- Oh, I see.

- You watch Matt Ryan, he turns.

- To go throw it back to him.

- Back to him and he sees he's covered.

Watch, just let it play.
He throws the ball.

Now look, look, look,
look. Now watch, look!

Look, see! Look!

- I'm in here for a reason, hold on.

Oh! He took it. Never
mind, there is no reason.

John drinks the same wine I
do now and I thought his open

bottle was still in there so
I was gonna drink it first.

They're so excited and cheery
that it feels like that.

It feels like a holiday,
which has kind of got me

in a good, decent mood.

Me, John, and Justin were
literally like fuck this shit.

'Cause we've had enough.

Like, we got, like, tormented!

If they lost, everybody was
mad and pissy and it was just,

we were just like, I don't fuckin' care.

Plus we were all gay!

And football was the thing that like,

you should play football!

You guys are big boys! You
should be hitting people!

And I'm like, oh I'm gonna hit people.

It's just not gonna be football.

I am excited for this game though

because, like I said, they all seem

super like, cheery and...

They just seem like, what's the word?

Alive?

Like, they usually are, like,
diehard like crazy that's why

they have such a bad rap,
but they really seem like...

their hope is there.

Look at my dad, he's so anxious right now.

Oh!

- All right!

- Let's go!

Needed that one!

- Shit!

Fuck! Was that a pick?!

- Yes!
- Flip it!

- I'm not looking. I'm not looking.

- Oh. My. God.
- Touchdown!

♪ Fly Eagles Fly ♪

♪ Score a touchdown 1, 2, 1, 2, 3 ♪

♪ Hit 'em low Hit 'em high ♪

♪ And watch our Eagles fly ♪

E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!

- Watch this catch.

- Best receiver in the
clutch, in the big moments.

In the fourth quarter.

- This is horrible.

- Fuck!
- Fuck.

Seven points doesn't
mean we can't be beat.

Take all the clock off.

Eat up the clock.

Just eat the clock up.
Just eat the clock up.

- Too much to eat!

- One more play!

- Oh my God. I'm gonna be sick.

I'm gonna be sick!

- No, no, no.
- C'mon!

Guys, c'mon!

- We're intercepting that!

- That was so close.

- That's it?
- Game over!

That's it!

- Holy shit. Holy shit!

- Yeah! Yeah!

- That was probably the best
Super Bowl I ever watched

in my life. Even though we won it!

- That was insane! It was the picture!

It was the picture.

- I need a lighter.

- You're wearin' number 36.

- The number was 41!

- I don't think this is a
good time to talk to us.

- I think it's the perfect
time to talk to you.

- I don't think it's not good.

I don't think it's not good!

- We did it, old man!
We won, motherfucker!

Awww.

- That's what I was waiting for. The end!

Don't tell me what I was doin',

oh I was a shitty dad all day-

- Ahh all day long he was-

- I was waitin' for the end!
I was waitin' for the end!

- You were in a bad mood all day!

If the Eagles lost, we didn't talk on all,

well from the rest of Sunday into Monday.

If the Eagles won, we went
to 7-11 and we got nachos

and then we watched "The Simpsons."

It was really cool.

- Even Pam's happy! Holy shit.

Yaya! The dogs are...

Yaya, the dogs are barking!

Yaya!

- She's right here.

- Jack, I don't have
the patience. Shut up.

It's not even funny.

I'm gonna-
- Kim Kardashian.

- I don't picture her
as a happy traveler...

Yaya, you're getting the
dogs to bark.

- You're doing it!

I'm not the one fuckin' screamin'!

Here, you could have been
a man and carried this.

- We need to be-

- I understand, but you
could have helped me

and carried this.

And I also sold cupcakes five
minutes before you walked

in the kitchen.
- Yeah, I know.

Well it wasn't
like I wasn't doing stuff!

- I know!

I didn't think you
weren't not doing stuff!

We gotta go!

- Mom! Is your car parked?

- Hurry up!
- I'm pushin' it.

- All right, Chrissy. This is yours, baby.

- I was thankful that Chrissy had our

house to play with dolls and
to be girly and to twirl.

I feel like she did it more
at our house than her own.

Jack never really played with the dolls

but I was too, like, oblivious.

I was like, I dunno,
she's a girl, I'm gonna

give her dolls!

It's weird I was oblivious to
the fact that Jack was Jack.

Like all the signs were there.

Like when Jack was, like, three,

"I want a wallet like my dad!"

And he'd slick his hair back,
and put the wallet and wear

jeans and I was like all
right, it's just a phase.

- Where we goin' first, JoJo?

- Home! Home so I can change!

Home so I can change!
- The restaurant? The diner?

- Home so I can change. I don't care.

- He was in high school.

And Jack was like, Mom, I
have something to tell you.

And I was like, ooh good!

'Cause I was happy that he was
talking to me, you know how

teenagers don't talk,
and Jack was like, no,

it's not good, Lindsay
and I think we're gay.

And I was like,
okay, well, it's probably

just a phase, you know,
you like each other.

I was so dumb!

Yeah, I was like in denial.

And then Traci and Jack and
I went shopping one time

and they go into the men's department.

It really bothered me

that we were picking out boys' clothes.

And Traci thought it was nothing!

Traci was like, "Oh yeah, Jack,

this flannel shirt will look good."

And Jack's like, "Yeah!"

And it didn't even occur
to me, and the whole time

I'm freaking out.

I'm thinking why are we
picking out, like it's okay

to be a lesbian, but why're
you wearing boys' clothes?

And the hardest thing is saying "he."

That's the hardest for me.

And, telling people, oh
do you have children?

Automatically I would say,
"Oh, I have two daughters,"

and then I'm like, well wait,
and then I just started a new

job and I'm like, all right,
should I just tell them

I have a son and a daughter?

I'll just do that.

And then someone said,
"Oh, do you have kids?"

And I was like, "Yeah
I have two daughters"

And I'm like, "Why'd I just
say I have two daughters?"

No, Jack was always
happy and easy and fun.

I don't think I do see a difference.

I guess Jack hides his
anxiety well, I don't know.

They are the best. They're
like so not cookie cutter.

And they're both so smart and
quick and fun to be around.

They're awesome.

- Do you want this one?
- What? No, I want this one.

It's purple. It matches.

Let's race them.

♪ Sweet home Alabama ♪

- Our friendship is this giant thing.

Our friendship is huge.

Unless you have this you don't get it.

You don't get a person,
you do not, you're not

guaranteed a person to be in
your life from the time you can

remember 'til now.

- Nobody does that.

Like, people don't stay friends like that.

- You very rarely get to have a person

who knows all the shitty
things you've said

and all the shitty things
you've done and loves you still.

- That's a song.

- Which one?

- "All The Things She Said."

Is that T.A.t.U.?!

- Walk over?
- I don't know.

That's what I did last time.

- Having him in my life
has been so important.

We are so strongly
connected in that weird way.

The best thing of knowing him for 30 years

is that connection.

Like, we just always were.