Izzy & Moe (1985) - full transcript

- Hey, Moe, it's me.

It's me!

Izzy!

- Never heard of you!

- Is this any way to treat
a friendship of a lifetime?

- What friendship?

- I guess you're still sore

because I tried to
buy that bird act.

- I'm not sore about
you trying to buy a bird act!

I'm sore I let you borrow money
from me to buy a bird act!

- It would've been a
beautiful act, Moe!



All we had to do was
stand on the stage

and watch the pigeons waves
flags and ride bicycles.

- So what
the hell happened?

- Well, the guy that was
selling me the act left town.

He took the birds, he took
the flags and the bicycles.

- Are you here with fancy
batter, Izz, or with my dough?

- What kind of a pal
do you think I am, Moe?

Maybe I didn't
come with the cash

but I came with the
next best thing.

I was reading the police gazette

and I think I found us a job.

- What kind of job?

- Prohibition agents.

- Feds!



Who the hell do you think
tore up my bar last night?

- Moe, in times like these,

you gotta let
bygones be bygones.

I promise not to hold it
against them if you don't.

Come on, what do you say?

How about it?

How about some of that
old fashion trust?

- How's that for
old fashion trust?!

- Well, I guess, Moe, you
need a little more time

to consider my offer.

C'est la guerre.

- Prohibition is her, Mr. E.

- Prohibition is against
booze, not cigars.

- Only a matter of time.

- Oh.

Just exactly where are
you gonna put that cigar?

- Not exactly where
I'd like to, Mr. E.

Not exactly where I'd like to.

- I was very fond of that cigar!

- Look at you.

You oughta be
ashamed of yourself.

You, with that silly mustache,

fake carnation in
your button hole,

wearing your wardrobe from
your old Vaudeville act.

You look like you own
the Waldorf Astoria

but you're still two inches
away from being a bum.

- When you're looking
for a job, Mrs. P,

neatness counts.

- I don't care
what Grandma says,

I don't think you're a bum.

- Well, I'm not really.

I applied for the job
but it was already taken.

- Maybe you should
apply for the job again.

- I have something brand
new on tap, princess.

- Daddy, you always have
something new on tap.

Last night I was
out with a dentist

and he asked me what
you do for a living

and I said nothing.

I said nothing for
two whole hours

and he had a brand new
Secondhand Roadster.

- Come on, Paula,
leave Daddy alone.

- Give him a chance.

- Well,

thank you, gorgeous ladies.

- Daddy, when are
you gonna get a job?

- Izzy, dear, I'm a
little bit interested

in the answer to
that one myself.

- Yeah, go ahead, say
you're gonna get a job.

- Well, Izzy?

- Surprise us.

- Vira,

I promise,

today I get a job.

- Mr. E,

the day you make
something of your life,

I'll light your cigar
in Macy's window.

- All right, later.

Selma, how many people
we got waiting out there?

- No one
else, Lieutenant,

you're talking to
the last applicant.

- Damn it.

I need more agents.

They expect me to do the
job with eight lousy agents.

Look, old timer,

now this is gonna be
one tough occupation.

So do you mind if
I'm brutally honest?

Why the hell do
you want the job?

- This is America, Lieutenant,

and I'm proud to be an American.

I came to this country
when I was 10 years old.

I left behind
cruelty and injustice

and arrived here on the
shores of freedom and liberty.

I've had a good life.

I owe this country a
debt I could never repay.

But now, I'm going
to try to repay it.

- Okay, without
all the hot comedy.

- I'm dead broke.

- Mm-hmm.

Selma, anyone else show up yet?

- What do you
think you're offering?

The maître d's job
at the Waldorf?

- Send McCoy in here.

- Did you read my file on--

- Wait a minute, wait.

You see, old-timer?

This is what a Federal
Agent looks like.

Trim, tough, young.

He has to be if he expects
to tackle the goons

we'll go after.

- Excuse me, Lieutenant.

But now it's my
turn to be honest.

McCoy, here, couldn't
knock of a speak

unless it was on the
front cover of vogue.

No offense, McCoy.

I know I don't look the type

but that's exactly what'll
make me a great agent.

I can go where the people are.

I speak a little
Polish, a little German,

a little Italian.

I even tried my
hand at acting once

and to top everything off,

I happen to be a little chubby

and for some reason or another,

nobody ever suspects
a chubby guy.

I'll get the job
done, Lieutenant.

I'll be knocking off rum
runners and breweries

while McCoy, here, is
still getting speak doors

slammed in his fancy face.

- Hey!
- No offense.

- Lieutenant!

- Come on.

We'll talk.

- I'm telling you.

- Let me manage
this whole thing.

I'm warning you, old-timer,

this could be a dangerous job.

- The job pays 40 bucks a weeks,

regular.

I got four kids
that like to eat.

I'm doing it for my
kids, Lieutenant.

How're they gonna get
married if their old man

doesn't have a job?

- Selma?

- Sorry, Lieutenant,
there's no one out here

but us chickens.

- Okay, Isidor.

You're hired.

- You can call me Izzy.

- Congratulations, Izzy,

and shut off your
intercom, Lieutenant,

you left it on again.

- I hate this assignment.

I mean, do you
know what it's like

to enforce a law
that nobody wants?

We can't do much until
we find you a partner.

I don't think any of these
guys will wanna work with you.

You're just too,
well, let's face it,

you're too, too...

Different.

You know anybody
else who wants a job?

- Lieutenant,

I have just the guy.

Hey, Moe, it's Izzy!

Well, I guess you calmed
down a little bit.

Moe, I'm here with your money!

- Where's my dough?

- Do you mind if I
take a load off first?

- No, not at all.

Where's my money?

- I got your cash

in the form of a job.

- I don't want any
part of any job

that has anything
to do with you.

What kind of a job is it?

- Prohibition agent.

- You were serious yesterday.

- Oh, Moe, let's face it,

what have we done
with our lives?

Nothing.

That crummy
Vaudeville act we did,

that was a lousy
act and you know it.

So what're we doing now?

You're a two-bit fight promoter,

and out of work bartender

and me, ha.

Most of my life I've
gone from job to job

trying to make ends meet.

It's the end of the line, Moe.

In my opinion,

it's been a lousy trip.

It's time for us to
do something right,

something good,

while we still got time.

- I don't see it, Izz.

I've had it up to
here with failure.

It's played too big
a role in my life.

I guess I haven't
been the same since...

Since Merium died.

I'm just looking for a
nice quiet place to retire.

- We can't do that, Moe.

We've got responsibilities.

This is America and I'm
proud to be an American.

I came to this country
when I was 10 years old.

I left behind cruelty
and punishment

and arrived here on the--

- Stop feeding me
that speech, Izz.

I'm the one guy in the
world who won't eat it.

- Well,

I guess that's the
end of my pitch.

- Glad to hear it.

- Moe,

can we shake hands
for old time sake?

- I don't see why not.

- Moe, you're under arrest.

Don't you know it's
against the law to drink?

- Izz, you wouldn't do
this to me, would you?

I guess you would do this to me.

- I have to, I'm
in law enforcement.

- All right, I'll give the
lousy job one lousy month.

- Pal of mine, welcome to
the Bureau of Prohibition.

- Now come on
everybody, drink up!

This is the best hooch I
ever brought down this lot.

Hey, Zach, when you're
finished loading the booze,

come on back and join the party!

We still got a couple of
bottles left for ourselves.

What the hell is that?

- Get your hands up!

- What is this?

What's going on?

I take care of you cops.

Who are you?

- I'm a man who hates people
who run booze in my territory.

- You crazy?

You're the cops, ain't ya?

- We're not the cops, fat man.

We're the competition.

The name's Vanderhoff.

Some people refer to
me as "The Dutchman"

and from here on in,

all the booze running from
the east coast belongs to me.

Shoot him.

- No, no, wait!

- I've got 10 men
and a limited budget.

We're gonna try and
get the job done.

Our responsibility is to cover

11 hundred square
miles of territory

up and down the east coast.

That's our turf and it
also belongs to every hood

with a yearn to be somebody.

And this is one of them.

"The Dutchman," alias
John Vanderhoff.

You've read the file on him?

Believe me, he's worse
than anything you've read.

He knocked over Fat Harry
Dawson on his yacht a week ago

but no one's talking.

Now you better remember
the tools of Dutch's trade.

The 45.

The pineapple.

And this week the bum took
delivery of something new.

This is a Tommy Gun.

Some of you might
have heard of it.

The Thompson submachine gun?

Fires 700 rounds a minute.

Dutch took delivery of
10 of these on Monday.

Unfortunately, the
federal government
has only authorized us

the use of one.

And who knows how long
it'll be before we get more.

All right, the hoods
are better armed

and hungry to prove it.

We'll just have to be smarter.

We go at three o'clock.

- Pardon me, sir.

Go where?

- Oh, that's right, you new
men haven't been informed.

We're knocking over
Dutch's private speak

at Van Cortlandt Park.

Izzy and Moe, you stay
here and man the phones.

- Hey, Lieutenant,

we didn't sign on
to sit at a desk.

- I want you both for backup.

You're too old to
do anything else.

- I'll drink to that.

- The jury is still
out on our age.

- Okay, wiseguy.

Meet me at the firing
range in 20 minutes.

Let's see what you can do.

- We'd be delighted.

- He'll be delighted!

Izz, you're crazy.

I like manning the phones.

- Moe,

I've known you for
more than 25 years.

You're a fraud, con and a crook

the same as I am.

And in every crook there's
a Fed trying to get out.

I'm going to help
you get that Fed out

if it's the last thing I do.

- Izz, you're not well.

You need help, you
need a lot of help.

- Well,

old-timer,

I guess this is your
chance to show me up.

You figure maybe you'll
teach me a few things?

- Come on, Dave, relax.

- This is the guy I
was telling you about.

A lot of bark for an
old dog with no bite.

- Okay, Izzy, let's
see what you can do.

This is a pistol

and this is a gun.

- No fooling?

- Not bad for an old
dog with no bite.

- Where did you
learn to do that?

- Moe and I did a sharpshooting
act on Vaudeville.

- Okay, Morris, let's
see you do your stuff.

- All right.

- What's the matter,
you don't like guns?

- I love guns.

The only trouble
is I hate bullets.

- You hate bullets?

What did you do in
the sharpshooting act?

- I was the guy with
an apple on my head.

- Nothing, Dave.

No booze, no still, nothing.

- Sign out front says
"Social History."

They teach you Feds how to read?

- Who the hell tipped
you off, Dutch?

- I don't know what
you're talkin' about.

If you and your boys are here

to discuss politics
at Tammany Hall,

take a seat.

But if you're here to
discuss tips and ponies,

go someplace else.

That ain't my line.

- I don't know who
tipped you wise, Dutch,

but I'll find out,
you can count on that.

You're too smart for
your own good, Dutch.

Someday you're gonna tumble

and this badge is gonna
be there when you do.

Anybody see that?

- I didn't see
anything, Sergeant.

- Are they gonna
do anything to him?

- He's got a sore
belly, hasn't he?

- Some raid.

- Did I know that two-bit
crumb would be here

at three on the
nose or did I know?

Put a couple of
guys on the door.

Okay, everybody,
party time, huh?

Jake!

Next time anyone touches me,

somebody dies!

Touch me, somebody dies!

- What's come over you, Izz?

What's this strange,
new fascination you
have with success?

- I don't know.

I can't explain it.

I get up one morning
and I decided

I wanted to be a
hero to my kids.

- Well I don't have any kids
so I can be a bum all I want.

A bum without bullet holes.

I'm gonna give this lousy
job one more lousy week.

- Well,

here we are, now,
keep out of sight.

There's gotta be a
way to get in there.

- Why don't we
just knock on the door?

- If we do, they'll
knock out our teeth.

Now the Dutchman
was tipped, right?

- Yeah.

- They know what the
department was doing.

Well they don't know
what we're doing.

Because I don't know
what we're doing.

- Why're we doing it?

- Because McCoy struck out
and I think we can do better.

I just got an idea.

Look at the park.

- Wanna play baseball?

We're too old to play baseball.

We're too old to chase hoodlums.

We're too old to do anything.

- We're not too
old to be coaches.

Come on, pal, we're gonna win.

- Now let
me get this straight.

You want nine of my men,

you're gonna dress them
in those baseball uniforms

and you're gonna go where?

- I can't
tell you that, pal.

Now what do you say?

- Yeah?

- What do you mean, yeah?

Haven't you seen
us guys out here

working our tales off
the last few days?

- Our boys could use
a little refreshment.

We just beat Canazei.

- I don't know you guys.

You're all new to me.

- Hey, Harvey,

if this ape don't
want my thirsty guys

buying hooch and celebrating,

we'll just go to the
joint down the block.

- Certainly.
- Yeah.

- All right, all right.

Tough guys, huh?

Come on in.

- So when Henshaw snagged
this long fly from Pocono,

I thought I'd gone to Heaven.

It was a thing of
beauty, a thing of art.

- Yeah.

- Beer all around for the
best nine men in the Bronx.

Drink up!

Everybody drink.

- Hey, coach, sorry
I missed the game.

Sounds like a doozy.

- All the best
people were there.

- I wasn't.

- Oh.

Maybe you're not the big
time you think you are.

- Oh no?

You know who I am?

They call me "The Dutchman."

- Oh.

Well, do you know
who I am, Dutchman?

I'm the law.

- You get your hands off me.

- You're right,
it's getting slimy.

I'm Izzy

and that's Moe.

We work for the government
and you're under arrest.

- Sorry, folks, the joint
has just been raided.

♪ Who's sorry now

♪ Who's having fun

♪ Stay where you are

♪ And I will take your gun

♪ You're sad and blue

♪ Look thirsty too

♪ But I think what I do is fun

- You two actually
nailed the Dutchman.

It's incredible.

The suits and ties will
have him out in 10 minutes

but it doesn't matter,

you nailed him.

- And we proved we can do it.

- What do you want, a cigar?

- We want to work alone.

We want to find our own
cases and make our own raids.

What do you say, Lieutenant?

- Looks like I just got myself
two Feds who work freelance.

- We did it, Izz!

We really did it!

- Not bad, Mister Gallagher.

- Pretty damn
good, Mister Shean!

- You've joined the Navy!

My prayers have been answered.

- You'll have to
pray a little louder.

This happens to be a disguise
that Moe and me are putting on

to knock off a speakeasy.

- Vira, I told
you not to marry a man

who puts mayonnaise
on his pastrami!

- It's delicious.

- You sure the
information is solid, Izz?

- The guy said
this was the joint.

It looks like he was right.

Got your gun?
- Yeah.

Forgot the bullets.

Hey, what do I need a gun for?

You said this raid wasn't
gonna be dangerous.

- You are beautiful.

- Yeah?

- We understand a
couple of old sailors

can get a drink here.

- Gotta know the password.

- Morris?

Morris, are you all right?

It looks like he's
gonna pass out.

He might be having
a heart attack.

Is there someplace where
he could rest for a minute?

- Yeah, go ahead,
bring him inside here.

- Go right in.

- Thank you.

- Oh, you look terrible.

All right.

Take it easy now.

Take it easy.

There you are.

That's it.

That's it.

- Hey, buddy, give him a chair!

- Are you all right, Morris?

Have you got some spirits?

I think an alcoholic beverage

would be a great
help for my friend.

- You boys look a little old.

Where'd you get those ribbons?

- Have you forgotten the
Battle of?

Did you participate in
the war to end all wars?

Well we did.

- Remember the Maine?

- Of course I do.

- Well he doesn't have to.

He was on it!

Now what about that whiskey?

- Yeah, sure.

Come on.

- Here you are, Morris.

- Excellent quality.

- You know, you've
been so kind to us,

it breaks my heart
to do this to you.

- Do what?

- Sorry, folks, we've got
some bad news for you.

- You've been knocked
off by Izzy and Moe.

- You can't do that,
we pay our bills.

We bought our protection.

- I don't care who you
bought protection from.

You didn't buy it from us.

♪ Don't mess with us or you'll
wind up in the old jail ♪

- You got a fat purse on you.

- Nothing.

Two-bit bum making
bathtub water.

That's all we come up with?

That's all we come up
with after two whole days?

- Not that we didn't
find him, Lieutenant,

but every time we hit
one of Dutch's places,

they were ready.

I think he's got a pipeline.
- Ah!

- Pipeline, we're on
his damn mailing list.

Why don't we just
call the Dutchman

and ask him to do the raid?

- Anyone get lucky?

What about all the booze
he's dumping near the docks?

- We tried,
sir, but nothing.

- Ma'am.

- Izzy and Moe said
they had a lead.

- The day those clowns come up--

- Would you forget the rivalry?!

- All right.

- You people better
get your butts moving.

I want some results
and I want it now.

I'm tired of sitting ringside
while Dutch runs the show.

- Good afternoon, Admiral.

If you'll come up
to the poop deck,

we have some bodies
for the brig.

- May I present our
catch of the day?

- While we're inside,
shine the hood.

- Yes, sir.

- Boy.

- Hi, y'all, it's Dallas.

Don't waste your time
applauding for me.

I'm not sticking around up here.

I'm going down there
where the fun is.

I heard a rumor that
there's hooch in the joint.

Now, listen,

first, I hope that
you'll be kind

to a few of my pals
from Dallas' place,

the Barry Sisters.

♪ Oh

♪ Do it again

♪ I may say no, no, no, no, no

♪ But do it again

- Isn't she something?

- Who?

- Her.

Dallas Carter.

I read all about her
in the newspapers

but this is the first time
I've seen her up close.

- Big deal.

We got work to do.

- No, Izz, if you
look real close,

you'll see something
of Merium in her eyes.

- You really think so?

- Yeah, I'm sure of it.

- Merium's been gone
a long time, Pal.

- Izz, Merium may be dead
but her memory isn't.

Not by a long shot.

♪ I may say no, no, no, no, no

♪ But do it again

♪ My lips just ache
to have you take ♪

♪ The kiss that's
ready for you ♪

♪ You know what to do

♪ You won't regret it

- Wait until you see the
bar they have inside.

Wall-to-wall ectasy.

The bounded variety.

- Can't be any better than
the booze we have in Oklahoma.

- Oh no?

Well follow us, buckaroos.

♪ Please do it a

♪ Oh, do it a

♪ Please do it again

- Did you bring your gun?

You're beautiful.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

- Come on, come on.

Right this way, ladies.

To the bar.

Well,

what would you
ladies like to drink?

- Isn't that a
pretty setting, Izz?

Doesn't it make you feel
sad to spoil all their fun?

- Terrible, just terrible.

All right, folks,
I've got bad news.

You've just been raided

by Izzy and Moe.

♪ Sorry now

♪ Sorry now, just
give me your booze ♪

♪ And all of you lose

♪ The chance to get drunk

♪ I know I'm a skunk

- Party-pooper.

- This is America, lady,

and I'm proud to be an American.

- And he came to this country
when he was 10 years old.

- I'm going to ask
you one question,

who owns this joint?

- The Distract Attorney
of the city of New York.

You actually arrested
the New York DA?

Nobody arrests the New York DA!

- He broke the law.

- The DA doesn't break the law.

He is the law!

Everyone knew about
the bar in his place.

But no one dared do
anything about it.

Not until you clowns came along.

- Please, Lieutenant,
don't thank us.

We were just doing our job.

- Get them out of my sight.

- But, sir, they really were
acting according to procedure.

- All three of you
get out of my sight!

- Look, Lieutenant--

- And don't you try
any double talk!

You boys are
finished, you're out!

You've got your walking
papers, disappear!

I knew it was a mistake to
give two old geezers a job.

Damn.

I was much happier
back in Burrow Hall.

- Can I say something?

- Yes!

Goodbye, ta-ta,

farewell,

or too-da-loo!

But nothing else,
not another syllable!

What the hell is that?!

- I think it's our fan club.

- Yes?!

Yes, sir.

Hold on you two.

Yes, yes?

Yes.

Yes.

Right away.

They're here right now.

Yes, sir.

That was the mayor.

He wants you to know that
he applauds your integrity.

It's incredible.

You two will probably end
up with some kind of medal.

Don't you have anything to say?

- Yeah.

Goodbye.

- Farewell.

- Ta-ta.

- And too-da-loo.

- This is
America, my friends,

and I'm proud to be an American!

I came to this country
when I was 10 years old!

I left behind...

- Guess what, Vira!

Mr. E thinks he's
Douglas Fairbanks.

- Ain't she beautiful, Izz?

Like I said,

there's a lot of
Merium in her eyes.

Don't you think?

You know,

I get very tired of
being alone, Izz.

Different with you.

You go home to family
every day you're through.

I go home to nothing.

Nothing at all.

- Merium has been
dead for 12 years.

He should've gotten
over it by now.

He wants to take Dallas
out on a date with him.

Some case.

A prohibition agent can't
be seen with Dallas Carter.

- You know what?

Why don't we invite them
over here for dinner?

- The day that your mother

invites Dallas
Carter for dinner,

I will light her cigar
in Macy's window.

Don't worry about my mother.

I'll take care of Mom.

The things is, we'll
invite them over

for a good home cooked meal.

- I can't wait to see your
mother with Dallas Carter.

You know, you're very pretty?

- What?

Go on.

- No, I mean it.

You're beautiful.

And very sexy.

- Now I know you're crazy.

- Even when you can undress
without showing anything.

- How is that sexy?

- It's provocative.

- Oh, Izzy.

That's a very nice thing to say.

- I love you more now than
I did when I married you.

- Thank you.

I love you too.

And I'm very, very
proud of you, Izzy.

Oh, how hard you've been working

and all the things you've been
trying to do for the girls.

I wish I could say that
when the light was on.

I don't know how.

- Just as long as you love me.

- Are you coming to bed?

- Wild horses and the
Chinese army couldn't stop me.

- Hi, y'all.

It's Dallas.

I hope you're all Butter
and Egg Man out there

because I want the
cash to flow like wine,

if I had any wine.

Now you can't get booze in my
place, you can't buy booze,

because I sell water.

Only water.

Scotch water,

rye water,

even bourbon water.

Now enjoy yourselves.

Enjoy the music and get off
your keisters and dance.

I want you all getting
thirsty as bears

so you can buy my water.

Take it from me,

it's the healthiest
drink in town.

Keep your eyes open,

I can smell a couple
of Feds in the crowd

but I can't spot 'em.

- Sure thing, Dallas.

- Hey, who are you guys?

I don't remember hiring you.

- That's because you didn't.

We joined the firm tonight.

- Don't I know you
from somewhere?

- I'm Izzy.

- And I'm Moe.

We're the couple of
Feds in the crowd.

- Now just wait a
little minute now.

Aren't you the guys that
put the arm on the DA?

- Mm-hmm.

- We are.

Now we're gonna
put the arm on you.

- Mind if I change the outfit
and comb my mouthpiece?

- Why, sure, as long as
we go along with you.

- Swell,

I hate to undress alone.

You realize this
will get you guys

in more trouble than it will me.

- We'll take our chances.

- Besides being well built,
I'm damn well connected.

- Well as far as I know,

running a speak
is still illegal,

even when you're well connected.

You break the law,
you gotta pay.

- Tough guy, huh?

Do that again.

- Do what again?

- The way your ears go
back when you get mean.

- I don't get mean.

- Sure you do, you're mean now.

- This isn't mean,
this is determined.

Mean comes later.

- Is that a promise or just
an active encouragement?

- I thought you were
gonna call your lawyer.

- In a minute.

Can I offer you boys a drink?

This is good stuff,
the genuine article.

Just like you.

- Gotta watch out for Izz.

He's a married man.

- What about you?

- Hmmm, you gotta
watch out for Moe too.

You fool around with him, he's
liable to get a heart attack.

♪ Some others I've seen

♪ Might never be mean

♪ Might never be cross

♪ Or try to be boss

♪ But they wouldn't do

- Yeah.

Of course.

I understand.

Perfectly, yeah.

See you in 10 minutes, Tom.

Yeah, when they book me.

I've got bad news for you boys.

It's like my Dallas,
Texas daddy used to say.

"This is gonna hurt you more
then it's gonna hurt me."

Oh,

give me a call when the
Bureau stops chewing you out.

- Why should they chew us out?

- That's what I like,

a man of vision.

- Dallas Carter?

Are you guys nuts?!

- She was breaking the law.

- I don't care if she
broke your skulls.

That's Dallas Carter.

- Seems to me you're
getting hotter about her

than you did about the DA.

- She's got better
connections than the DA.

I don't like you guys.

At first I didn't mind
the way you operated

but now you're making a
laughing stock of the Bureau

and you can't do that!

Illegal booze is a
serious business.

- Serious jobs can be done
with a little style and humor.

- Well I don't like your style

and a I despise your humor.

You're not in
Vaudeville anymore.

What I want for the future
is dignity and decorum.

You can't shoot from the hip
without talking to me first.

- Yes, sir.

- From here on,
you'll take orders from me.

And your days of operating
freelance are over.

Now is that clear?

- Yes, sir.

- Now here's a job
you'll do by the book.

The Dutchman has a big booze
operation going on in Saratoga.

It's run by the local sheriff.

Her runs everything up there.

He's the town mayor,
Justice of the Peace,

even pumps gasoline.

Get up there and break
him but do it my way.

Remember--

- Yeah, yeah, we know.

Dignity and decorum.

- Decorum and dignity.

- Yes, sir, may I help you?

- Yeah, we're Mr.
and Mrs. Benson.

We have a reservation.

- Oh.

The bridal suite?

An anniversary celebration.

- Yes.

On top of that, we'd like to
take our marriage vows again.

- Oh, how nice.

- We understand that
your sheriff is also

the Justice of the Peace.

- Oh, yes indeedy.

If you'd like, I can call him.

- Oh, that would be lovely.

What a charming little
hotel you have here.

- Jenny, get me the sheriff.

- Hey, buddy, can I get a drink?

That is a very ugly woman.

But she's very, very rich

and I need all the
painkiller I can get.

- Hello?

- Did he buy the disguise?

- Of course he did.

You're a very lovely woman.

- Thank...

Thank you.

A matter of fact, I feel
like I'm cheating on Vira.

- Everything seems
to be taken care of.

He'd be delighted to
perform the ceremony.

He said to come right over.

- Real pleasure, Ben.

You too, Mildred.

Sit down, sit down.

- Comfy, comfy.

- Thank you, sweetheart.

- Well now.

You two planning on
staying in town for long?

- Long enough to
do a little lovin'.

- Well, then let's get
on with the ceremony.

- Why not?

- Well, go ahead.

- That'll be $10.

Ben Benson, do you take
this woman, Mildred,

to be your lawful wedded wife?

- I certainly do.

- And do you, Mildred Peterson,

take this man, Ben, to be
your lawful wedded husband?

- I most certainly do.

- Then by the power vested in
me in the state of New York,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Don't be shy, you two.

- That was lovely.

- Say,

do you think we could get
a little drink or something

to sorta celebrate?

- I think I could
rustle up something.

- That would be lovely.

Thank you.

Oh.

- Say,

that's great.

- Blissfully smooth.

- You know, we have nothing
like this back home.

Do you think it possible
that we could get

a little of this to
take back with us?

- Oh, that's possible.

How much do you want?

- Well, one or two--

- Possible three cases.

- Here it is, folks.

- Well,

that's a pretty sight.

But I've got bad news.

I'm Izzy.

- And I'm Moe.

- I wanna thank you
all for inviting me

to share your dinner table.

It's been a long time since
I've had a home cooked meal.

- I'm sure you've never had

a home cooked meal
like this one.

- Momma, please.

- I'm doing my best, V.

- Hey,

that looks like
wonderful kneidlach.

Oh, and look at
that luxion kugel

and that kishka.

Mmmm, it is a wonderful
dinner, Mrs. P.

By the way,

have you ever tried
making matzo balls

with seltzer instead of water?

Arnie Rothstein
tells me tells me

it's the only way
to make them fluffy.

- Matzo ball and seltzer?

- Amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- I just think this
looks so divine.

- Um...

Seltzer instead of water.

- Absolutely, Vira,
it works like a charm.

At least, that's
what Arnie says.

- Arnie?

Arnie said that?

- What're you guys
made up for today?

- Oh, the plumber brothers
knocked off another joint.

- Izzy, Moe, it's for you!

- Izzy, here.

The Dutchman is bringing in
one hundred cases of Cuban rum.

He's got it disguised
as farm equipment.

- You consider this
source reliable?

- Oh, yes sir.

But we're gonna need a couple
extra guys on a job like this.

- All right.

Take Harris and McCoy.

- Ugh.

- And be careful.

- Oh, don't worry about that.

- You better be
right about this.

- You never did trust
us, did you, McCoy?

- I never trusted you
and I never liked you.

Let's go.

- Its okay, Izz, you just
tell me what you want done.

I always trusted you.

- You stick with
Prince Charming.

I'll stay with Moe.

- Excuse me.

- This time your gun is loaded.

- How do you know?

- I loaded it.

- Did you?

I can't do this much more, Izz.

I talked to Dallas last night.

She wants me to quit.

- If you don't pay attention,

you're not gonna
be alive to quit.

- Greetings from the Dutchman!

- Damn it, I'm hit!

- Are you all right?

- That's my blood, isn't it?

I got hit.

- You'll need a doctor.

- I don't need a doctor,
forget the doctor.

I got to look for a
different line of work.

Something with a future.

- You can't quit now.

- What do you mean I can't quit?

Somebody just put a
hole in me, didn't they?

Worse than that, they
put a hole in my suit.

First time in my life I spent
more than $29 on a suit.

- You spent $29 for that suit?

- Yes.

- Not only have you been
shot but you've been robbed.

- We gotta get a doctor!

Harris is hurt real bad.

I don't think he's
gonna make it.

- Just my luck, Doc.

I buy a suit with
two pair of pants

and I end up getting
shot in the arm.

- How are you, pal?

- I'm all right.

- How's he doing, Doc?

- He'll be fine.

- How's Harris?

- Still operating.

Can you identify the shooters?

- It all happened too fast.

I'm sure it was the Dutchman

but I got no way to prove it.

But if we start talking--

- You do the talking, Izz.

I quit.

I told you, I'm out.

- Are you nuts?

The Dutchman wasn't
after Harris,

he was after us!

- Izz, we're too old to
take any bayonet charges.

Our arteries can't
take it anymore.

We gotta start acting our age.

- Moe's right.

I don't want any dumb heroics.

Leave the Dutchman to me.

- He's all yours.

I resign, Lieutenant.

- I understand
you decision, Moe.

Now just take it easy.

I'm gonna go check on Harris.

Moe was slightly wounded

and Agent Harris is
still in surgery.

- And Izzy?

- He's all right.

Your story tonight is Moe.

He's decided to
leave the service.

- There's Moe!

- There
he is! There he is!

- One at a time!

- Is it true?

- Yes, it's true, I quit.

- You're
leaving the bureau?

Is it because of Harris?

- Officer Harris is a
very brave young man.

I can only hope and pray
that he's gonna be all right.

- Haven't you heard?

Harris just died on
the operating table.

- What?

- You
have no comment?

Then you are quitting
because of Harris.

Another agent killed because
of a dumb law nobody wants.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,

don't get on a soap
box with me, mister!

A good man died today.

He died fighting
hoods and mobsters

who were getting fat and
rich off of illegal hooch,

the same hooch you
people drink everyday

out of silver hip flasks.

Look,

this is America.

I'm proud to be an American.

I came here when I
was 10 years old.

I left cruelty and injustice

and I arrived on the shores
of freedom and justice.

I've had a good life

and I owe this
country and debt that

can never be repaid.

Only now I'd like to repay it.

Only a few people and Dutch
will stand in our way.

- Don't ask me to do that, Moe.

- Why not?

There's talk around town that

the Dutchman's getting
a special shipment.

Canadian gold.

25 year old bonded whiskey,
the genuine article.

- We want it, Dallas.

It's 300 cases.

12 bottles to a case.

A hundred dollars a bottle.

That's 360 thousand dollars.

If we knock that shipment off,

we can hurt the Dutchman bad.

Real bad with his
high class clients.

- You'll hurt me too.

Some of that shipment
is headed my way.

Want to stop my Butter and Egg
Man from having a good time.

- We just want to stop the
Dutchman from killing people.

- I wouldn't be anywhere
without prohibition.

I gotta make the most
of it while it lasts.

- Oh,

Vira sent this.

- What is it?

- It's her recipe
for luxion kugel.

- Get the hell out of here.

I hate luxion kugel.

- Well, she thought
you might want it.

- It's important to me, Dallas.

He's gotta be stopped.

A good man died yesterday,
that can't happen again.

- Tough guy, huh?

Well Dutch is tougher.

- Maybe.

I've been around a lot longer.

Maybe I'll just
have to outlast him.

- Wait!

Tonight at midnight,

I hear they're loading
at 23rd and the River.

- Well.

- Well, well.

The catch and jail 'em kids.

Heard you had a little
trouble the other day.

Ain't it a shame you didn't die?

- Let's get out of here, Moe.

- Yeah.

Before I kill somebody.

- I'm driving, you're riding.

- Everything all right, Joe?

- Yeah, we got it all.

- Now we got it all.

Tell the Dutchman, "Greetings
from Izzy and Moe."

- We did it,
Izz, we did it!

Look out!

They're gaining on us!

- This thing won't
go any faster!

Start shooting!

- I can't.

- Why not?

- I ain't got any
bullets in my gun!

- Here, try this.

Might be a little strange.

It has bullets in it!

- My God, that's loud.

- You're right, Moe.

I oughta quit this job.

- Not just yet, Izz!

Not just yet!

- That oughta lose 'em.

I got an idea, Moe.

- I hate your ideas.

I wanna do a solo.

- You mean you're
breaking up the act?

- I'm breaking up the act!

- Okay!

Watch this finale!

- They stole my booze!

360 grand worth, the best
hooch to come from Canada!

Who tipped 'em, Jake?!

Who talked to the clowns
and tipped them wise?!

I want answers tonight!

Or I want blood!

Where's the booze now?

- Warehouse on Fulton Street.

- Those two clowns,
they did good work.

- They're all right.

- Selma, how about some coffee?

- It's almost three
o'clock in the morning.

Selma finally left an hour ago.

I never really
trusted those guys.

I didn't wanna be wrong.

Guess I was.

- Lieutenant Murphy.

Hold on.

Shut the door behind
you, will you, McCoy?

It's the wife.

Get back to Holland,
you reckless maniac.

What the hell are you
doing calling me like this?

- I wanna know what I paid for!

Why wasn't I told those two
were going after my booze?

- Because I didn't
know, they acted alone.

- That hooch cost me
over 300 thousand bucks!

- Don't worry.

It's in a warehouse
on Fulton Street.

We'll figure a
way to get it out.

- Did you figure who tipped
them in the first place?

- No.

- Well I did.

Jack saw those clowns
in Dallas' club tonight

and she knew when I
was making delivery.

I got hot news for you, Murph.

This city is about to lose
another saloon keeper.

- You're playing
too rough, Dutchman.

That wasn't part of our deal.

I didn't mind going
after those to crumbs,

but when you burned
a kid like Harris

or try to nail
someone like Carter.

- Yeah?

- It's McCoy.

I just found out that Murphy's
on the Dutchman's payroll

and the Dutchman knows Dallas
told you two about the booze.

- Where can I find
you if I need you?

- I'll be home
in about five minutes.

- Okay.

Vira,

call Moe, tell him I'm
picking him up right away!

- Telephone calls at
three in the morning?!

- It was
an important call!

- The day you do
something important,

I'll light your cigar
in Macy's window!

♪ Every morning, every evening

♪ Ain't we got fun

♪ Not much money, oh but honey

♪ Ain't we got fun

♪ The rent's unpaid, dear

♪ We haven't a car

♪ But anyway, dear

♪ We'll stay as we are

♪ Even if we owe the grocer

♪ Don't we have fun

- Dallas?

Dallas?

- Hey, Ben,
did you see Dallas?

- A couple guys came
by about half hour ago.

Took her outside to talk.

I haven't seen her since.

- We gotta
go after her, Izz.

We gotta do something!

- Don't worry, Moe,
we're going after her.

And this time we're
gonna get the Dutchman.

- Murphy on the take,
I can't believe it!

- Are you gonna slow down
or do you want me to drive?

- I've had enough of
your reckless driving,

you can try mine for awhile!

I hope he doesn't do
anything to Dallas.

- We'll get there in time.

We'll show him the booze
and then he'll negotiate.

- I just hope we
get there on time.

- You wanna know what's gonna
happen to those old-timers

when this is all over?

- Not particularly.

Thanks to you, they just
stole a truckload of booze.

As far as the
public's concerned,

the dry guys are crooks.

Whatever they'll
get, they'll deserve.

- Dutch, they just called
from the front gate!

The truck's arrived.

- Well get down there!

I want every gun in
the joint on 'em.

- I'll be going now.

I don't wanna be here when
you transact business.

- Afraid to get
your hands dirty?

- It's a little to
late to worry about

getting my hands dirty.

- All right, Dutchman,
where are you?!

- Right here, you clowns.

- We brought your booze.

We're ready to negotiate.

- Yeah.

I'll negotiate.

- Drop it, Dutch!

- You're right, Moe.

- About what?

- We are too old for this.

- Too old, my eye!

Wait.

Where's Izzy?

- Maybe he got hit.

Come on, let's go.

- I gotta find Dallas.

- Keep your
hands in the air!

- All right.

- You look
for the Dutchman.

I'll look for Dallas.

- Is this what
you're looking for?

Get out of my way or she's dead!

- Moe, be careful, stay away!

- Don't hurt her, Dutch.

- Put your gun down,
old man, and back away!

Drop it or she's dead!

Please don't hurt her, Dutch.

Just tell me what you want.

You can trust me.

- What do I want?

That's easy, old man.

Come here!

I want you to die.

Get on your knees!

- Don't
shoot him, Dutchman!

- Back off!

Nobody move a gun or
the old man is dead!

I said, back off!

- Who did that?

- Who did that?

Boy, are you lucky!

- Heavy weapon.

- How could you take a
chance with a shot like that?

- I just imagined he had
an apple on your head.

Well, I guess this is it.

We caught the villain,
you got the girl.

There's only one thing left.

- What's that?