It's Pat: The Movie (1994) - full transcript

Pat Riley, an obnoxious busybody of undeterminable sex, meets and falls in love with Chris, a sensitive, caring person also of undeterminable sex. Their relationship suffers because Pat's a lout, and cannot decide on a direction for its life. Meanwhile, Pat's neighbor Kyle falls further and further into obsession with Pat, fascinated by its indeterminate sexuality.

There comes a time
in everyone's life

when he or she
must ask themselves

some very important

Who am I?

What am I?

Where did I come from?

As I remember it,
I started life

down the road most traveled.


Ha ha! Here we are.

- Whoops!
- Baby: Ooh!

Sorry there, little tyke.

Mrs. Riley, congratulations.

You are the proud mother

of a beautiful
7 1/2-pound baby--

Doctor, come quick.
There's an emergency
in Ward G.

Well, is it a boy
or a girl?

No time.
Look for yourself.


It's Pat.


♪ [piano]

♪ A lot of people
say "What's that?"

♪ It's Pat ♪

♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪

♪ Accept him or her ♪

♪ For whatever it might be ♪

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ [scatting]

♪ [continues]

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪

♪ Pow ♪

Pat, narrating:
Hi. That's me in
the fourth grade.

Oh, on the right.

Will you be
my valentine, Pat?


Are you
kind of confused today?

I was always very popular.

Pat, will you
be my valentine?

Oh, I'm sure.

Why don't you take
a reality pill?

Terry is my valentine.


By the time I reached
high school,

I was confident,
and I thought

I'd figured out all
of life's big questions.

To me it was the adults
who seemed confused

Have a nice day.

Then I reached maturity.

I finally found a job
that allowed me

to take full advantage
of my special people skills.

Here comes the mail.

Boy, this is
the career for me.



Prepare yourself.

That battle-axe
mother-in-law of yours

is gonna come
for a whole month.

And, uh,
you're being audited.

Hope you get to keep
your home.

The world was my oyster.

But then I turned 33,

and, like many great figures
in history before me,

it was a year
that changed my life

as I knew it forever.

How long have we known
each other, Pat?

Four and a half days.

Let's make it five.

Got a complaint
from Mr. and Mrs. Kogan.

Seems you opened a letter
from their son

and you told them he was gay.

That's right.
I say that's life.

Move on, accept.

That's a federal offense,

Being gay?

Opening someone else's mail.


Well, I'm looking forward

to the sorting seminar
this weekend.

You're fired.


What I mean to say is

there's nothing wrong
with your work per se.

It's just that I kind of
have to let you go.

But I don't
want to be fired.

I didn't think you would.

You're not, uh,
disgruntled, are you?


You're fired.


Whenever I lose a job,

I like to forget
about my problems

and help others--
say a neighbor in need.

Pat, can I help you?

Oh. Hi, Kathy.

Every time I look
in your front window,

I notice the clock
on your VCR is blinking.

I could fix that
for you in a jiffy.

Oh, uh, okay,
if you want to.

Well, I can't do it
right now.

I have to come back
when it's convenient for me.



Hi, Tippy.

Oh. Oh, Pat.
What do you want?

I just thought
I'd stop by

and pick up a few
personal items.

Oh, no, no, no.
Please, remember?

No, I don't want to know
about your sex life, okay?

I just want to get
a few toiletries.

Uh, first of all,
I need some protection.

Oh, dear God. Okay.
All right.

From underarm wetness.

I'm never one to offend.

2.50, then, all right?
And you're out.

What am I, in a race?

Well, kind of. It's late.

And I need a lubricant.


For my eyes.
They're drying up,

due to the pollen
and dust in the air.

Oh. Oh, great.

Help me, someone.
Just help me.

And I need
some feminine napkins.

Oh, I'm in hell.
I am in hell now.

You never
know when Aunt Wilma's

going to stop by
for lunch.

Thank you.
That's it, all right?

- Guess so.
- Okay.

There you go. It's yours.

Okay. Don't you want me--

Go now. Just go on-- or anything?

No, it's on me.
Go ahead and go now.

Okay? You're gone.
Bye-bye now.


Tippy was clearly
unhappy in her job.

Well, so are most people.

Not me. I was
free as a bird.

...a very busy day.

Man: I saw the guy.
They built right on him.

[laughter, chatter]

Hey. How you doing?

Houston, we're proceeding
onto Silver Lake Drive...

past the magazine stand.
You copy?


[speaking Japanese]


[speaking Japanese]

[speaking Japanese]

[blender starts]

Hey, sprechen-sie
Americano, por favor.


Let me give you
a piece of advice, Kathy.


Don't ever work
in the restaurant business.

They just expect you
to serve people.

[chuckling] I quit.

Pat, I'm in a towel.

Should I be embarrassed?


What the hell
is in your nose?

Oh, tissues.

I have allergies
and sniffles.

You know, there are
millions and millions
of microscopic dust mites

that live all over your body,

and conceivably
they can crawl up your nose

and lay eggs in your brain.

Yeah, I've heard that, Pat.

Why don't you
just leave them in?

No, it's all right.

Pat, we have to have
a little chat, okay?

You can't just barge in here
whenever you want to, okay?

I'm trying to get ready
for a date, all right?

And we really barely
know each other.

Oh. Well, you said

you wanted me to set
the clock on your VCR.

Once, Pat. I said it
once in passing.


it's really very simple.

Any moron could do it.

So you finally
got a date, huh?

Ha ha. Yeah. Lucky me.


So what's his name

That's none of your business,
Pat, okay?

I'm going to draw
a little boundary.

I understand. You're a little
sensitive on that topic.

So did I tell you
I'm unemployed?

Yeah, about, uh, 400 times.

Say, do you think you could
make an announcement about it

at the radio station?

Absolutely not.

All right,
well, think it over.

But when you do
make the announcement,

let me know. I want
to tell my friends
to tune in.

They don't listen
to your show normally.


Oh, I'm sorry. I got to go.

Do you?

You're my best friend,

Oh, Am I?



Bye-bye now.


Unfortunately, I was
forced to take a job

that was totally humiliating.

I was beginning
to doubt my identity,

my true purpose
in this world,

when suddenly the most
wonderful thing happened.

Whoa. Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?


This thing
is set at 82 degrees.

Haven't you people ever
heard of sweaters?

Can I help you?

Pat Riley,
Southland Gas Company.


[glass shatters]

This is a disgrace.

Hasn't anybody checked this?


[glass shatters]

Excuse me. Um...



Hi. I'm Chris.

I'm the bartender here.

Hi. I'm Pat. I'm--

I'm your gas management
specialist and advisor.


Well, pleased
to meet you...


The pleasure's all mine...



What's a person like you
doing in a place like this?

You know, I ask myself
that all the time.

I mean, I've got a PhD
in cultural anthropology,

but I just love bartending.

I've been here
for ten years now,

and I've
just heard so many
incredible stories

and met so many


I wish I could find a job
I liked that much.


I'm overqualified
for Southland Gas.

I'm already looking
for something else.

I guess you could say
I'm a restless spirit,

a lover, a liver of life.

I'm eternally searching
for something more.


I think you and I have
so much in common, Pat.

Do you like movies?

Yes. Yes, I do.
I love movies.

Oh, do you know
what I specially love

are good movies.

You're kidding.
I love good movies, too.

Really? Oh.
You know what I hate

are bad boring movies.

Me, too.
We're so alike.


I think that dinner
is probably one

of my favorite meals
of the day.

Mine, too.

This is downright eerie.

Oh, you want to know
another thing I hate?

Senseless evil.

I'm not even gonna tell you

you won't believe it.

Me, too.

Once I got it home,

I realized
I didn't like it.

I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?

So I took it back
and exchanged it

for a delicious tan one.

Uh, or brown, really.


Pat, you've led such
an amazing life.

I find you-- I--

I find everything
about you

endlessly fascinating.

Join the club.

[Pat giggling]

Hey, is that
a big fan of yours?

That's my little joke.


Take it easy, hon.
Take it easy.

- Ohh!
- Okay. All right.

Are you all right,

um, uh, you there?

yeah, hon,
did you break anything?

I crushed my nuts.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

That's got to hurt.

Oh, shoot.

There goes my afternoon snack.

Chris: I know.


Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Kyle Jacobs,

and this is my beautiful
wife Stacy.


We just moved
into apartment 2F.

I'm Chris. Hi.

And this is Pat. Pat lives
across the way from you in 2B.

2B or not 2B,
that is my apartment.

Oh, boy.

Oh, wow.
Come on, let's go.


Stacy: Bye-bye.

Strange couple.

You know,
you can't really tell.

It's peculiar.

Yeah, it's peculiar,

yet wondrously provocative.





Save that filth
for the bedroom.

[Pat, Chris moaning]

Both: Will you marry me?

Both: Yes.


- Ahh.
- Uhh.

You know something?

I love to stroke
your pussy, Pat.

I know.

Muffy likes it, too.


Hi, sunshine boy.

I am going
to the grocery store.

Can I get you anything?

No. Thanks.


- Nuts.
- Hmm?

Uh, maybe some nuts.

I've been having this weird
craving for nuts lately, okay?

Okay. Nuts it is.

Oh. By the way, I was just
down in the laundry room,

and I saw our weird
new neighbor Pat.

What's Pat's laundry like?

I don't know what Pat's
laundry is like.

It's not like I go around

looking at people's
dirty laundry.

What? There was, you know,
bras, panties,

boxer shorts, jock straps.

Well, Pat was doing
laundry with Chris.

They're engaged.

And we're invited
to the engagement party.


Okay. Well, listen,
I got to go.



Pat, Pat, Pat.

- Ooh!
- [glass breaks]

What's in a name like Pat?

One afternoon,
Chris surprised me

by putting a new spin
on our relationship.


I thought we were so
clearly defined as a couple.

Had we fallen into a certain
kind of role playing

from which we could
never recover?



What an exquisitely lazy day.


Well, you know,
it's Thursday.

You know, my day off.


So I guess you've got
the day off, too, huh?

Yeah. I got fired

from that security guard job
down at the La Brea Tar Pits.

Those woolly mammoths
aren't kidding.

Once you get stuck in the tar,
you never get out.

Uh-huh. Yeah.


gee, Pat, you know, I--

I can't believe
you lost another job.

I just--

Oh, come on.

I work like a dog.

I had 23 jobs
last year.

How many did you have?

Just the one.

Then I'd hardly call you
a big job expert.

Pat, I think there's
something you should read.

Uh, in this magazine,

uh, they have a new study,

and they found that if you
don't have a satisfying career

by the time you're
in your early thirties,

which you are, Pat,

then you'll probably
never achieve

any sort of real happiness,
your marriage will fail,

and your chances
of finding a good job

are, uh, about as likely
as your chances

of being
struck by lightning.

Well, actually,
being struck by lightning

is more common than you think.

I've been struck three times.

Pat, I think you might
be missing the point.


the point is, Pat,

that, um, if you can't
commit to a job,

then how can I
possibly expect you

to commit to, you know,
say, a marriage?

Ouch. Point taken.

You're right, I should
try even harder.

No, no. I, uh,

I shouldn't
have said anything.

I shouldn't meddle.

No, that's good, come on.

No, no, I should--

This is a relationship.

You should talk.

Oh, Pat.

Come on. It's
a beautiful sunny day.

What do you say
we get up off our butts

and go do something?

Oh, do you want to go
for a hike?

No. I know. Let's go
to the Burger Bag

and get some fries.

Okay, that's good. Yeah.

- Come on.
- Let's do that. Okay.


Wednesday, August 2,
11:05 p.m.

Pat reads People magazine,

watches "America's
Most Wanted,"

writes in the computer.

What a strange combination
of attraction and repulsion

that I feel
for my neighbor Pat.

I don't even know if Pat
is a man or a woman.

Such a Sphinx-like riddle

posed by the very
existence of Pat.

Kyle? What are you
doing in there?

Uh, nothing, honey.

I'll be out in a minute.


[water running]



Oh, my God,
this is it.




You never get through
a carton of O.J.

before it expires.

Yeah. Me, either.

What's up, Kyle?

Oh, I just wanted to show you
my new video camera here.

Here-- Here's my new
video camera.

- Uh-huh.
- I just got it.

I could videotape
your honeymoon.

I mean your
engagement party.

Oh That'd be great.


♪ [dance]

It's good to go.

Hey, I've lived in the same
building with Pat

for seven years.
I still have no idea.

Yeah. That's why I came.

I thought maybe
this Chris person

would give us
some kind of a clue.

I thought I'd find out
about Chris when I met Pat.

Look at it this way,

they're lucky to have
found each other.

I guess there's
someone for everybody.



Hey, you two.

Here's a present
we got for you.

Oh, looky what we got.
Attention, everybody!

We got as present!


Let's open it.

- Oh!
- Oh!

This is something
we'll both enjoy.


Here, open mine.


I should get married
more often!

Not if I can help it.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Now Chris will leave
my towels alone.

Oh, you,
you're incorrigible.

That's what you love
about me.

It's true.

You know
what I always say:

we're made for each other.


Oh, Pat.

So, um, are you going
to change your name?

- Which one are you asking?
- Either.

No, no, no.
Pat and I don't believe

in that kind of
sexist tradition.

Do we, hon?


But wouldn't it
be so romantic

to have the same last name?

Oh, gee, I don't know.

What do you think?
Think we should?

- I don't know. Do you?
- It's up to you.

It's kind of your

I really think
you should decide.

Okay. I think this
is a conversation

we should be having
at home.

Do it now.


Okay, everybody,
we've got a little show.

Uh, attention, everybody!

This is my engagement party!


And now Chris and I
would like

to sing a song for you.

We would?

Yes, sir, the magic
of karaoke.

Hit it!


I'll lead and you follow.

[music starts]

♪ Everybody
loves somebody sometime ♪

♪ Everybody
falls in love somehow ♪

♪ Something in your kiss
just told me ♪

♪ My sometime ♪


♪ Is now ♪

People, you're talking again!

♪ [rock beat]

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Uhh ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Dude looks like a lady ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

- Honey?
- What?

Don't you think
you've had enough?

No, I don't. I don't
think I'll ever have enough.

Kyle, you have been
so strangely lately,

ever since we moved
into this building.

Ever since we moved
here with Pat.

What are you talking about?

Stacy, that is a neighbor,

a person that lives
in the building, that's all.

Yeah, well, why are you
so obsessed with him?

Her? It?



I think it's ruining
our life together.


Wouldn't that be wonderful

if all the problems
of our relationship

could be boiled down
to one pat answer.

There you go again.

An androgyne
has come between us.

You know, it's weird.

It's almost as if--

as if--

Oh, God.

You're in love with Pat,
aren't you?

What are you, insane?

Stacy, that's the most
ridiculous thing

- I've ever heard.
- God!


[door closes]




What's love
got to do with this

when you love something
you don't understand?

Dear Diary: My performance
at the engagement party

was a triumph. I know that
I've found my true calling.

I'm an artist.

Kyle: Ding-dong.

Am I interrupting anything?

Oh, no,
just keeping a record

of my innermost
thoughts and feelings

right here
in my laptop diary.

Really? What kind of stuff
do you put in here?

Oh, just anything
anyone could conceivably
want to know about me.

Wow. I know people who would
give anything to read this.

No way, José.
This is raw, uncensored,

and completely personal data.

Do tell.


Oh, whoa, Pat.

Is that a banana
in your pocket,

or are you just happy
to see me?

No, it's a banana.

If you're hungry,
get your own.

This is my snack.

Fine, fine.

Oh, Pat, listen,
I've got great news.

You were so incredible

the other night
at the karaoke bar

that I sent my videotape
of your performance

to one of those
home video TV shows,

and they want to put you
on the air.

Oh, that's great!

All you have to do is
sign this release form.

- Okay?
- Ohh!

All right.



And this-- right there,
the "Sex" part.

No, no problem.

That's my joke.

That's very funny, Pat.
Very funny.

Uh, do you have
a driver's license?

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.


A dog got at it, but you can
still read the number.

That's all they need.

Yeah. Uh, do you have
a birth certificate?

Uh, yes, I do, sir.

good, good, good.

Middlesex, New Jersey.

The rest I can't make out.

I know. Um...

do you have a photo
of you in the nude?


I don't know why.

But apparently
it's something to do

with, like, uh,
requirements to be on TV.

They needed a photo
of you in the nude,

kind of, you know,

I haven't had one
taken of me recently.

I think any photo--

They said any photo
in the nude would do.

- I remember that now.
- I do have one.


I have to get this back.
It's kind of an heirloom.

Just give it to me, Pat.


When am I going to be on TV?

[phone rings]

Hey, I'm gonna be on TV!

Hi. Did I tell you
I was going to be on TV?

Oh, I did, huh?

Okay, bye.

Howdy, Tippy.

Boy, do I have
something to tell you.

What, Pat?
What do you want?

I'm going to be on TV.

Oh, dear God.



Thursday night at 9.

Thursday night at 9,
Channel 12--


Guess what, Kathy.
I'm gonna be on TV.

Who's there?

Who do you think?

Hey, you know what?

My key works
in your door, too.

Isn't that great?

Tonight's the night
of my big broadcast.

I'm on the verge
of superstardom.

Should I buy a house in Malibu
or the Hollywood Hills?

I don't know, but I sure
wish you'd buy a new car.

I mean, this driver's ed
car is ridiculous.

Was it ridiculous
to spend only $500

at the Pine Cone High
Rummage Sale?

I don't think so.

What's eating you?

I'm just worried
you're getting
a little carried away,

that's all. I want you
to try and remember

this is
just a short segment

on one of those silly
home video shows, okay?

You're jealous that I found
such a fulfilling career.

I am not jealous.

I'm sorry I put
a positive spin on things.

Maybe I should be
gloomier, like you.

I happen to be very proud
that you're going to be on TV.

I just want you
to be realistic.

I mean,
this isn't necessarily
going to pan out

into a career, you know.

exactly what you said

when I wanted to be
a brain surgeon.

Oh. And?

How was I supposed to know

you needed 12 years
of medical school?

What a scam.

I'm going the back way.

Pat, we should
go straight.


For once, would you
not argue with me?

Pat, you are impossible
to deal with

when you're like this.

You're like a child.

Tonight at 9, Channel 12!

Announcer on TV:
Now here she is,
your hostess,

- Arleen Sorkin
- [applause]

Welcome back to America's
Creepiest People,

the show that allows us

to feel a little bit
better about ourselves

by giving us
the opportunity to laugh

at those who are
less fortunate.

What you are about
to know is...

Now the whole world will know

the splendor that is Pat.

For this next segment,
we recommend

viewer discretion.

If you have small children,

you may want them
to leave the room.

♪ Uh, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, le chic ♪

♪ Freak out ♪


♪ Aw, freak out ♪

Kyle, are you all right?

♪ Freak out ♪

I'm fine. Uh, no problem.

It's just that you've
been in there

for three days.

I need time to think.

Fine. I'm going out.

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪


Where's that stupid remote?



♪ It surely can be done ♪

♪ Young and old
are doin' it, I'm told ♪

♪Just one try,
and you too will be sold ♪

♪ It's called The Freak ♪

♪ And they're doing it
night and day ♪


♪ Allow me,
I'll show you the way ♪

♪ Aww, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak, c'est chic ♪

Freak out!

♪ Aw, freak out ♪

♪ Le freak,
c'est chic ♪

♪ Freak out ♪

See what I mean?

Pretty creepy, huh?


Well, I think that was
sort of magnificent...

in that uniquely
Pat-like way of Pat's.

Oh, who can unravel
the enigma of Pat?

To answer that question,
we have with us today

Camille Paglia, author
of the bestselling book

Sexual Persona.


So what do you make
of this Pat person

we've just seen?

Well, Arleen,
I am stunned

by the Pat phenomenon.

Pat symbolizes,

explodes the sexual

of the 20th century.


Thank you for that

analysis, Camille.

[TV off]

Pat, Pat, Pat.

Would a Pat by any other name
smell as sweet?

What if Stacy's right?

Could this be love?

If so, what kind of love?

How to account for these
peculiar passions of mine?

Howdy, Kyle!


Was that great or what?

Oh, you were fantastic.

come in, come in.

All right.

Make yourself

Don't mind if I do.

Make yourself
very comfortable, Pat.

You know, Pat,
seeing you on television

was-- I mean, I was--

you were-- my God.

I was kind of
a spectacle.

is more the word, Pat.

Super spectacular.

You know, Pat...

[romantic music starts]

...this is a moment, Pat,

that utterly demands


You know, Pat,
I wanted to tell you

that the camera
really loves you.

I mean, really, really--

[cork pops]

...loves you.

Well, it's true

I've always been
exceptionally photogenic.



A toast, then, to...

to America's newest


Oh, this bubbly goes
straight to my head.


Well, I don't really
feel like dancing, Kyle.

Of course not.

You must be...

awfully exhausted

such an exciting day.

Well, it was on TV.

I'm the luckiest man
in the world

to be able to share
this moment with you, Pat.




Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?

Why don't you just loosen
up a little bit, Pat?

Maybe we could,
uh, have some fun.

Okay, I think I understand
what's going on here, Kyle.

You got the wrong
impression about me.

I mean, I like you
as a friend, okay?

A friend.

To tell you the truth,

you're not exactly my type,

if you know
what I'm saying.

Plus, Kyle, you're married,
and I'm engaged,

so... Oh, Kyle,
this is just embarrassing.

I'm gonna go.

Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.

"Why don't you
loosen up a little?"

The guy needs therapy.

Pat, you were, uh...

Hi. Thank you.

Thank you.

so what did you think?

Well, uh, it was so much
like the engagement party.

It was
just like being there.

I knew you'd love it.

Hey, we have a celebrity
in the building!

Me! [chuckling]

I was brilliant.

I know now that I was born

to bring joy into
the lives of millions.


TV's Pat speaking.

Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.

Uh, you were really great
on the show tonight.

I know.

Uh, look, Pat, uh,

I'm really sorry
about earlier.

Well, I understand

how you can get
overemotional sometimes.

No biggie.

You know, Pat, you really
should follow your dreams.

But, you know, maybe you
should just pick one dream

and follow it, okay?


So we're in love again,

Oh, Pat.

We were never out of love.

Oh, Chris, you believed
in me all along.

Psst, Pat.

Sorry. I have to go.

There's somebody
at the window.

[dial tone]

Pat, you're
a wonderful person.

All right, Kyle,
listen, uh,

I have to go to bed.

I'll talk to you later.

Don't close the door
on my hand! Aah!


Hey, weren't you
on TV last night?

Yes, I was.

Can we talk to you
for a minute?


Pat, aren't you?

Aw, who wants to know?

Oh, we're Ween.

What's a ween?

We're a band, you know.

That's Gene Ween,
and I'm Dean Ween.

You know, like
Simon and Garfunkel,

Peaches and Herb.

It's kind of sad

you got stuck with that name.

Yeah, anyway, we're
doing a gig tonight,

and we were wondering
if you wanted

to come out and play.

Great! I'm in a band!

I hopped aboard that bus

knowing I was on the road
to fame and fortune.

Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

One minute, Pat.

Don't mind the cameras,

Do your thing, and you'll
look great in the video.

Thank you.


How exciting.

Just think, all those
thousands of people

looking at me
and only at me.

All of them watching
and waiting for me

to fill their lives
with meaning.

Pat, you okay?

Where's my axe?

Your instrument's
set on stage.

- All right.
- Knock 'em dead.

Thank you.

Ween! Ween! Ween!


Pat, we're Ween.

[high voices]
♪ When you've had your fun ♪

♪ And your work is done ♪

♪ You must not succumb ♪

♪ I can feel you breathe ♪

♪ At least I can make
a Norwegian side ♪

♪ Please don't hide ♪

♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪

♪ Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪

Hi. Thank you.

Hey, you were incredible
tonight, Pat.

Oh, you thought so, too?

Pat, great show.

Yeah, you were amazing.

Well, the tuba is a sadly
overlooked instrument.

Care for a mushroom?

Oh, hey, I don't know
what's in these.

These could be
psychedelic, right?

Oh, I know about these
music industry parties:

sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.


[sitar music]


I see trails...

the realistic pillows.

Gene, you have a polka-dot
monkey on your nose.

Pat, those aren't

They're from Safeway.


Hey, you guys,
I played with the Ween!

- What?
- Ohh.


I played with the Ween!

I played with the Ween!

Hey, everybody!

I can't believe
you did this!

I want a divorce.

[playing "Three Blind Mice"]




Hey, dudes!

Well, just another gig.

Are you ready
to rock 'n' roll?

Hey, Pat, what's up?

Just getting ready
for the next gig.

Oh. Pat, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.

We just wanted to get
some footage of you

for our next video.

You were great
and everything,

but that's
all we needed.

Well, maybe I should go out

as a surprise
bonus attraction.

No, it's too late
to change the lineup.

Well, maybe I could
just jam with the band

as a special celebrity guest.

We appreciate that,
but we just can't do it.

I'll perform for free.

I'm sorry, Pat.
Not tonight.



see you at the next gig.

Pat, try to understand

we booked you for just
one performance.

That's all.
We were filming a video.

Didn't you read the contract
we gave you to sign?

Well, yes, of course I did,

but I can hardly be expected
to read all the fine print.

I mean, I just
naturally assumed

that I would go
on tour with you

and then I would get
a record contract of my own

and have a fabulous
music career.

Isn't that standard contract?

No, not as such.

You guys were
nothing without me!

I hate show biz!

It's a cutthroat industry!

Aw, I know, hon, I know.

All I am to them
is a body, an image!

I understand.

To them I'm just
a piece of meat

to be chewed up
and spit out!


Oh, Pat.

it's all for the best.

Feel sorrier for me!

How can I feel sorry for you

when you feel
so sorry for yourself?

I miss my career.


I miss the limelight

and the adulation
of thousands!

Oh, Pat, being famous
and having a career,

they're-- they're
not the same thing.

What are you talking about?

Well, a career implies
having a skill.

You think I'm untalented!

No, I don't.

I'll show you!
I'm a renaissance person!

I don't understand
why you insist

on blowing this thing
so out of proportion.

I don't think you know
what you want out of life.

I just want fame and riches.
Is that too much to ask?

Oh, Pat.

Those are the goals
of an empty soul, Pat...

one that I frankly
do not want to spend

a whole lot of time with,

And you're not being
supportive enough!

I need something
for me right now!

Come on.


Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Where am I?

What kind of spell
have I been under, Pat?

I mean, you and I
are clearly

fundamentally incompatible,

and I just think--

I think we should
call it quits, Pat.

I think it's...
over between us,

and, uh,
I should be going.

Goodbye, Pat.


Dear Diary:

I am at the lowest
point in my life.

First my music
career was sabotaged,

and then Chris
became unreasonable,

and I had to break off
our engagement.

Thank goodness I still
have you, Dear Diary,

a confidante to whom
I can bare my soul's
most secret yearnings

and vulnerable feelings.

Oh, well, I'm sure everything

will look better
in the morning.


[bottles rattle]

You're a stupid lettuce-head.

Oh, no!


You're all wet, Pat.



I'm being haunted
by the specter

of my former lover.

I should record
that dream in my diary.

No! My laptop!

Ohh! Ohh!

My diary's been stolen!

Ohh! Help!

Oh, Kyle!

Kyle! Ohh!

Oh, madness!

Oh, my diary's been stolen!

My diary's been stolen!

Oh, no.

at this very moment,

some diabolical cat burglar
could be reading

the most intimate
details of my private life!


That's terrible, Pat.

Hey, I have frames
just like those.

Wait a minute, Pat.

Don't you need a password

to gain access
to the diary itself?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And what was
that password again?

I would never tell that
to anyone.

Not even a closest friend,
a nearby neighbor,

somebody that can--

I'll give you a hint.

It's in the dictionary.

Ohh, all right, Kyle.

I feel a little bit better.


Okay, I got to go.

Mm-hmm. Okay.



[Pat's voice]
Access denied.


It was worth a try anyway.





I will know your secrets,
my love.

I will possess you utterly.

Whoever had stolen my diary

had left few clues behind,

and I was soon on the trail,

sniffing out leads.

Hey, dudes.

Any of you guys
steal anything lately?

What are you talking about?

Like my laptop diary.

It's been stolen,
and I want it back.

What the hell
are you anyway?

Oh, I know
what you're thinking.

Am I a Crip
or am I a Blood?

No. What we want to know

is are you a brother
or a sister?

- Word.
- Yeah.

Well, I'm an only child.

There's a word
for what you are.


Spike, what is the word
I'm looking for?


- Yeah.
- That's it.

Oh, that's right.

That's what everyone
says about me.

Good old androgynous Pat.

Pat's always cheerful

and androgynous
with everybody.

So what the hell are you?

A man or a woman?


Ohh! Ohh!

What the hell was that?



May I help you
with something?

I need a makeover, pronto!


Yes, I need to look more
like my own gender.

You know what I'm saying,


Let's go.


I don't think so.

Oh, that's
quite flattering.

You've got to be kidding.

The minimalist.

[speeded-up chatter]

That's it! It's me!

Oh, I love my new look!

Oh, you're a genius,

All in a day's work
for Gunther.

I may have looked fabulous
on the outside,

but inside I was a mess.

At a time like this,
I needed a friend.

I needed my best friend.

Man on phone:
I mean, he was-- he was
looking at me funny,

and I had the gun
in my hand,

so-- so I-- I shot him.

Well, anger is nothing
more than hurt

that hasn't been dealt with.

You need to work on healing
your inner child, okay?

I want you to have
a 20-minute conversation

with your inner child
every day.

And remember, no fighting.

All right, so let me know
how things go.

Okay, great,
we're going to pause here

to pay some bills.

I'm Kathy Griffin
on "Love Chat."


Hi, Kathy.
How you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm working, Pat.

Oh. Listen, I need a job.
Can you get me one?

Okay, well, why would I
get you a job?

Have you forgotten who set
the clock on your VCR?

That thing would be flashing
from here to Tuesday

if it weren't for me.

Oh, right. Look, Pat,

I'm trying to do
a little show here, okay?

Maybe we could talk
about this later.

Kathy, this isn't
about you right now.

This is about me.

What am I gonna do?


Oh, great!

Do I get to wear a uniform?

[phone rings]






Woman: I'm having an affair
with my next door neighbor.

I feel terrible about it.
Who can I talk to?

Well, try your husband.


Phone's ringing!



What do you want?

I would like this individual

escorted from the building,

Uh, just a second.
I want to hear this.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Oh, my God.

Pat is taking calls
on the air?

I know.

Well, go to commercial.
Pull the plug.

No. This is great
talk radio.

That's the most repulsive
thing I've ever heard.

Look, Troy, that is
trivializing their pain.

Pat isn't helping people.

At least Pat's not
putting people to sleep.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

That's a slur directed
against me, right?

Look at all the calls
coming in.

Oh, You are so disgusting.

Hello. Whoa. Um...

All right,
can I help you?

Man: Sometimes I have
suicidal thoughts.

I feel like I want
to jump off a building

or slit my wrists or put
a bullet in my head.

Well, have you
considered drowning?

I mean, they say it's like God
giving you a big wet hug...


Stop calling here.

Female chorus:
♪ Ooh, "Love Chair" ♪

Tune in same time
tomorrow for more...

Hey, you know when that
"On the air" sign is on,

that means
you're on the air.

Oh, heh heh. Oops.

You know,
you're a natural?

Well, your station's

really bummed me out.

a bunch of crackpots.

Well, Pat, those are
exactly the kind of people

who call a radio talk show.

Well, they're
too freaky for me.

Why can't they just have
normal relationships?

Pat, why don't you be
the new host of "Love Chat"?


I'm hired!

Guess what, Kathy.
I got a job.

I have a radio show
called "Love Chat."

Yeah, I know, Pat.
That was my show.

Well, small world.

No, no. I got fired today.

Oh, Kathy,
that's terrible.


Because they gave you
my show.

Oh, that must be awful
for you, Kathy.

Is there anything
I can do?

Uh, yeah. Could you
give me my job back?

I don't think
they'd go for that
down at the station.

Plus, I wouldn't do it

because I really
need this job.

Well, then do me a favor
and get out of here!

- Okay?
- I'd better go.

Ramrod. Ramrod.

Come on, baby, be the one.

- [buzzing]
- Come to Papa.

Access denied.




Pig! I'm sorry.


[female chorus scatting]

You're listening to KVIB FM.

And now for the southland's
hottest talk radio,

here's Pat.

Hi. This is "Pat Chat."

And I'm your host,
Pat Riley. [chuckling]

I'm ready to listen

to all of your most personal
and intimate problems

and then, uh,
solve them for you,

so, uh, let's take
our first call.

Woman: I've contracted
a horrible disease,

and I've been told I don't
have much time to live.

What should I do?

[baby crying]

Why don't you go

waah-waah waah-waah?

All right, next call.

Kyle: Pat, I-- I--
I like to dress up

like my sexually ambiguous

[cuckoo cuckoo]

and prance around
the apartment all night.

Sure you do,
Mr. Looney Tunes.


I'm tired of these cranks.

Let's screen these callers,

[doorbell rings]

Hi. Blast from your past.

Hi. I'm a famous
radio personality now.

That's really-- That's great.

Uh, Pat, there's something
I have to tell you.

Can I come in?

Pat, you know, I never want
you and I to be enemies, okay?

But, uh, I have to go away
for a little while.


I'm leaving on Sunday
at 5:30 for Tibet,

on a spiritual quest.

A quest?

Yeah. Um, I'm gonna be gone
for at least a year, Pat.


So I really thought
it was important

that I come by and tell you

that I think I'm probably
always gonna love you, Pat.

Well, then great! Then we
have no problems, then.

No, Pat.
What I'm trying to say

that I'm really sorry
it didn't work out between us.


Well, I'm also sorry

that you couldn't have
been more sensible.

Goodbye, Pat.

People. Can't live with them,

and you can't live
without them.


Damn, I must have missed it.

[Kyle imitating Pat's voice]
There's only three left.

I know that. Thank you.



Access denied. [chuckling]




Please work.

We're in. We're in!

We're in, we're in.

We're in, we're in.

We're in.

We're in.


We're in, we're in, we're in,

we're in, we're in, we're in.

We're in, we're in.

The diary.

"Once I got it home,
I realized I didn't like it.

"I mean, who wants
a plaid bath mat anyway?

"So I took it back
and exchanged it

"for a delicious tan one.

Well, more brown, really."

Pat on radio: all tender
and sumptuous enough

to bring tears to your eyes.

And people everywhere
are making Tom Chuck's

their dinnertime destination.

Come and enjoy!

All right, sounds good.

Okay, I'll remind you

this is KVIB. I'm Pat.

You know what I
always say:

we're made for each other.

Oh, Pat.



Always try to be equal
partners in a relationship.

Thank you very much.

I'm Pat,
and I'm here all night,

ready to lend
a sympathetic ear.

Let's take our next call.


Chris: Hi, Pat.

Don't waste my time.

What's your name,

Well, it's--

You can call me
Chris, Pat.

All right, Chris,
what's your problem?

Well, I had this special
someone in my life--

we'll call this person Pat--

and, well,
we were engaged, yeah,

and, uh, well,
I just didn't feel

that Pat was ready
to make a commitment,

not to-- not to a job
or to me.

But now for the first time
Pat has some job stability,

- and--
- Uhh?

I just want to tell Pat

that I-- I love Pat
for who Pat is

and not for what Pat does.

And I really wish we could
get back together again, Pat.


you're not giving me much
to go on here, Chris.

Can you be more specific?

Well, I guess what I'm
trying to get at, Pat,

is that, well, I'm leaving
for Tibet tomorrow,

you know, to get over Pat,

and I'm not so sure that's
the right thing to do now,

Well, if you're asking
for my advice,

and I guess you are,

I would say
that this Path person

just sounds like a real

I say hit the road
and don't look back.

Next call.


Some people, I don't know

why they get hooked up
with these losers

in the first place.

Listen, what I have to give
you people is tough love.

It may not sound pretty,
but I can help you.

That's right, I'm Pat.

I'm here to help you
all night long.

can be so frustrating.

"I mean, who is wearing
the pants

in our relationship

Exactly what I want to know!

"I have a confession to make.

"Dear Diary:

Something not even my closest
friends know about me."

"I haven't vacuumed
under my couch

"since I moved
into my apartment.

There, I said it I feel
so much better already."

That's it?

Th-Th-Th-That's all?

The most intimate record

of every detail of Pat's life,

and not a single clue
about Pat's sex?


Why? That's so unfair!

I'm sleepy, and you people
are boring me.

This is KVIB FM.
I'm your host Pat.

Now let's take our next call,

and make it something lively!

[Eastern European accent]
I'm wanting to be telling you

that I'm having something

that none of your other
callers have.

What's that, your sanity?

No. Your diary.

What? Who is this?

All in good time,
my little elusive friend.

And if you're ever wanting
to see your diary again,

you'll be meeting me
at Ripley's Odditorium

at high noon.

How do I know this isn't
a crank call?

Have you been vacuuming
under your couch lately?


Excuse me.

[nervous chuckle]

Psst. Hey. In here,

where we're less likely
to be heard.


Are you the lunatic
who stole my diary?

You mean...this?


Hey, you look kinda familiar.
Do I know you?


You didn't read the diary,
did you?

Yes. I decoded it,

and I read every word.

Oh, I feel so naked.

And you know what?
It didn't tell me diddly.

I know all about
your happy childhood,

your countless jobs,
your idiotic fantasies,

your stupid bath mat.

Stop! Stop!
I can't hear anymore!

I know everything
about you, Pat,

everything except
the one thing I must know.

What else is there to know?

Take off your clothes.

What? You're nothing
but a pervert.

Don't you see?

We were meant for each other.

We're like two
complementary pieces

in the crazy jigsaw
puzzle of love.

I just need to know
how we fit together.


By uncovering
the secret of you,

I uncover the secret
of myself.


Now take off your clothes

if you ever want to see
your diary alive again.



Where are you?


Oh, Pat! Uh-oh!
I see you.

Help! I'm being chased
by a crazed doppelganger

who's reading my diary!



♪ ...of your creator ♪

♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪

♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪

♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪

Kyle: Pat!



Don't run.
You know you want me.

Surrender, my sweet.


Kyle, you just don't
take a hint, do you?

Come to Papa,
my little love dumpling.

Kyle, for the last time,
you're not my type.

Don't-- Don't--
Don't say that, Pat.

Don't say that.

- We should be as one.
- Ohh...

You and I. Huh?

- Kyle.
- Pat.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, no!

- Pat!
- Aah!


♪ Don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ To touch the hand
of your creator ♪

♪ Stare into the lion's eyes ♪

Hold on.

♪ And if you
taste the candy ♪

♪ You'll get to the surprise ♪

♪ Oh, don't get too close
to my fantasy ♪




Hey, buddy, what do you
think you're doing out here?

No, no. Okay, I give up.
Uncle, uncle, uncle.

Ahem. Then perhaps
you could just tell me,

if that naked person
is a man or a woman.

Show's over, weirdo.
Come on.




Just one minute, Pat. We'll
have this all stitched up.

Thank you.

Pat, can I tell you

We admire your persistence
and your creativity,

but we meant it when we said

we only needed you
for one show.

That's all right.

I'm tired of people
looking at me.

I learned something
about myself

when I was out there naked:

what it feels like
to be naked

in front of lots of people.

I've had enough adulation.

I was happier when there
was only one person

who stared at me
when I was naked.

Oh, my God.



Gladys Knight:
♪ I've had my share ♪

♪ Of life's ups and downs ♪

♪ But fate's been kind ♪

♪ The downs have been few ♪

♪ I guess you could say ♪

♪ That I've been lucky ♪

♪ Oh, I guess you could say ♪

♪ That it's all
because of you ♪

♪ If anyone ♪

♪ Should ever write ♪

♪ My life story ♪

♪ For whatever ♪

♪ For whatever reason
there might be ♪

♪ Ooh, you'd be there ♪

♪ Between each line
of pain and glory ♪

♪ 'Cause you're
the best thing ♪

♪ The best thing
that ever happened ♪

♪ That ever happened to me ♪


♪ ...that ever
happened to me ♪


♪ You're the best thing ♪


♪ That ever happened to me ♪

♪ You're the best thing
that ever happened to me ♪

♪ I know,
you're the best... ♪

Excuse me.
Someone named Chris.

Chris! Chris!

To Paris?
All right.

Excuse me?
Have you seen Chris?

Have you seen Chris?

Pat. I--


Listen, I've been thinking
about our relationship,

about everything
we've gone through

and everything I said
and how I behaved,

and I realized that

you need me!

I'm sorry, Pat.
I have to go now.

But, Chris,
I've had an epiphany

in front of thousands
of people...



I don't want fame and fortune.
I want you.

You do, huh?

It's lonely at the top.

I miss having someone around

who loves dinner
as much as I do.

And sunny days?

Chris, I'm really sorry.


You've never
said that before.

I just want to be
your spouse.

I just want to be
like a typical American.

I want to settle down
and have a house

and 1.8 kids and lead a life
of quiet desperation,

like these people here.

Come on, Chris,
let's do it.

Oh, Pat.


I guess my life is just
one big romantic cliché:

boy meets girl,
girl loses boy,

boy annoys girl,
girl wants boy
to act differently,

girl-- Well, you know,
the same old story.

For richer or poorer.

For richer or poorer.

For as long as you both
shall live.

You may kiss each other.

[cheering, applause]

Plato once said
that the unexamined life

is not worth living.
Well, I agree.

It wasn't until I took a long,
hard look at my own life

that I realized
what I really am:

I'm me!

It's not what you do
that matters.

It's who you are.

And only then did I
discover the truth.

Chris is my other half,

and together we make a whole.

I finally found a yin
to go with my yang.

Or is that yang
to go with my yin?

Well, in any case,
I'm so lucky to be me.


Hi, this is Kathy Griffin,

and yes,
I'm back on "Love Chat."

my guest today is Kyle,

who's gone through some
love changes recently.

Now, Kyle, you are
a transvestite,
is that correct?

Well, um, Kathy,
I'm dressed as a woman
at the moment,

but I also like
to dress like a man


Okay, well, do your
sexual fantasies change,

depending on
how you're dressed?

No. No, no, I always
fantasize about the same...


♪ [piano]

♪ A lot of people
say "What's that?"

♪ It's Pat ♪

♪ Ma'am or a sir ♪

♪ Accept him or her ♪

♪ For whatever it might be ♪

♪ It's time for androgyny ♪

♪ Here comes Pat ♪