It's Not Me, It's Him (1980) - full transcript

You're a beautiful doggie.
Oh, such a beautiful doggie.

Come on, Aldo, go get it.
Hop! Fetch.

Fetch, come on.

Fetch.

Bring to daddy.

My child,

are you a boy, are you a girl?

Alas, I don't know...

You're probably wondering what
your father's doing in the desert.

Come on, come on.

Know that I was not
always a child of the desert.



Before being Arab,
your father was a negro.

But this is a long story.

A negro, in the cinema, is someone
who writes films without credit.

A humiliation that your grandmother
endured even worse than me.

- He wrote it. My son.
- Hush.

- There's no hiding it.
- You don't have to shout it either.

This too, it's totally you.

It's obvious.

Quiet!

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HIM

You told me when I had my phlebitis.

Who cares, ma'am.

You're right. Listen, listen.

That, too, is quite his father's humor.



Shut it!

But they have to know
that it was you who did it.

His name isn't listed anywhere.

- It's true.
- We're going.

He wrote it.

It's him, it's my son.

Sorry, sir. Do you know my son?

He's the one who wrote the film.

It's Pierre Renaud.

My son, Pierre Renaud.

Charles?

Saying negro means slave. And my
own slaver was him: Georges Vallier.

Oh, it's you. Finally.

- Everything is there?
- Yes.

I worked until 4 a.m.
- Perfect.

Say so, big boy.
The producers are there.

And of course, you
prefer me not to be seen.

The eternal problem.

Should we know before or not?
This is the water bucket theory.

The theory of what?

You'll understand.

Charlie?

I'd like them to see me.

Suppose you don't know
the presence of the bucket.

You were unaware of
the presence of the bucket,

hence the effect of
surprise, hence the laughter.

Second version a
little less primary,

I would say:

You know about the
bucket, and he still doesn't.

Here, my little Charles.

Since you are so dedicated...

Come, come.

You laugh in advance to
see him arrive all perky.

Smile.

Smile.

We savor the inevitable outcome.

Come in, Charles. We're waiting for you.

Laugh.

You know the dilemma now.
Thank you, Charles. You can leave.

Gentlemen...

I believe that Monsieur has
not covered the whole question.

It's over, we've laughed enough.

Let him talk, you never know.

These servants are
sometimes priceless.

I would like to point
out a third version,

more Hitchcockian, because
it appeals to suspense.

Sorry.

Can you go down the hall?

How? Me? But you're crazy.

- Don't worry.
- The bucket is empty.

I put the bucket on the door.

Sir doesn't know. I await his arrival.

I tell myself:

"What is sir doing?"

I wait, I wait.

But it takes a while, sir.

Sir!

This version is more unexpected.

You have to sign, dad, it's important.

It's not the moment.

And again, there, you laugh
less because the bucket is empty.

So, is it over?

Fourth version.

It changes everything, with water.

I'm tired of you hiding from
me like a shameful illness!

I am your syphilis.

- You're telling me just at the moment...
- At the moment what?

An invitation to a cocktail
party given by Aldo Barazzutti.

You are going to go instead of me.

Aldo Barazzutti is the
Italian actor of the moment.

What's this?

I had put a cork, it
must have jumped.

Oh, hold on.

- That's it, she's drowned.
- U.S. too.

My my my.

I will see.

Who are these people?

Mr. George Vallier.

Who?

Mr. George Vallier.

- A ghost.
- Who?

Oh dear.

So that makes me very, very, very happy.

Aldo Barazzutti. My respects.

What an honor. What an honor.

I have great admiration for you.
- Me?

But yes. May I
borrow him from you?

Like that, we're going to
chat a bit. Sit on the other side.

Here, here.

So like that, you know
everything about me.

Sure. I've only been
in Paris for a few days,

but I know a lot about
what's going on here.

I know who is who, and
especially who does what.

Believe me.

So you know... Vallier, all that?

I know everything, Vallier, all that.

What is happening here?

Oh, it's curious.

How's it going sir?

Well, we're going somewhere else.

So do you like my house?

Very very beautiful.

There.

And there you go.

Martini.

Nope.

Well...

Both. There.

That's it. Thank you.

I've been following you for a long time.

You're the one I
would love to work with.

- With me?
- Yes, with you. Why?

You look surprised.

No, but it's the couch that...

But what is this sofa?

What is that?

Sir, I'm sorry...

What is this junk?

Oh, ma'am.

Your husband is better
known than he thinks.

A screwdriver in the pants?

A way of saying that
he has a fine feather.

It's true.

What is that?

These sofas are traps.

I'm sorry.

Carl! Carl!

I don't understand. You told me that...

Come inside.

We have more solid Louis XV sofas.

Nope!

Sorry, I don't feel very well.

Exactly. It will be better
in the Louis XV sofas.

Don't insist.

I'm sorry, we have to go.

You're right. Oh yes, yes.

Well, dear lady, my compliments.

Dear sir, we'll call tomorrow.

Aldo Barazzutti.

- Madam, see you soon.
- See you soon.

I'm telling you it's not Vallier.

I'm telling you it's not Vallier.

I tell you it's not Vallier!

"Isn't that Vallier?"

She tells you.

- What is she saying?
- That it's not Vallier.

No, it's his...

It's his negro.

Vallier is a little brown!

Why are you screaming like that?
It's annoying.

Vallier, he's a little dark-haired guy.

This man is a crook.

Passing himself off as Vallier...

Passing himself off as Vallier.

Ah! Who do I see appear?
I have to talk to you, it's important.

I'm at your disposal.

I came to tell you that I'm stopping.

- What are you stopping?
- Our collaboration.

Or rather my exploitation.

Because I'm fed up with
misunderstandings, closet stories.

My work is a vaudeville?

What do you call that,
you, the story of a guy...

sleeping with his
wife's best friend...

and who doesn't know that the
woman of this type sleeps with his?

A well put together
comedy of manners.

Well, from now on,
your comedies of manners,

you will write them by yourself.

If you get there.

You have to sign that, dad.

I'm busy.

Good morning, Mr. Barazzutti.

Oh, it's you.

How's it going?

Very well, thank you.

Well, sit down,

Mr. George Vallier.

Who, me?

Yes, yes.

Sit down.

Good.

May I call you George?

Vallier, Barazzutti, it's very formal.

What matters is the man underneath.

You want to write a screenplay for me?

"A film by Aldo Barazzutti
written by Georges Vallier."

Great poster, right?

By the way, I was thinking
of an important thing.

Me, what I want is for my
author to be relaxed, at ease,

freed from all worries.

How about going somewhere,
just you and me?

An isolated corner, far from everything.
We would be fine.

I've heard of a hotel in
Tunisia, calm, peaceful, where

one can indulge in work,
a sort of monastic retreat.

The little skin.

Yes, a kind of oasis.

It's an image, because when I
work, I don't care about the decor.

I don't raise my head from the
paper, because know, my dear Vallier...

Now I call you Vallier again.

I have to break this dirty habit.

My dear Georges, for me, a scenario,
it's 10% inspiration...

and 90% perspiration.

A little polish.

I have a feeling we're
going to get along well.

You have character, and I like that.

What did she do again, the filthy beast?

She peed behind the curtain.

Not that!

Go, to the foot, immediately.

You will have it, your correction.
Go on.

You know it's forbidden to get on the bed.

Who gave me a vicious beast like that?

You know the price, you naughty mutt.

Oh no.

It's too good.
I can no longer do without you.

Shut up, bad dog.

Seriously, Valerie, come with me.

I'm not free.

Just a few days.

We are always in a hurry.

I have to watch the paw all the time.

Both in the sun...

We will take long walks.

Valerie, I'll sleep at the
foot of your bed, like that.

And your wife, what
are you going to tell her?

The truth. That I'm leaving
with the number 1 French author

and that he can work only in the sun.

- She won't come with you?
- She can't, old lady.

Asthma.

But he is clever, my
doggie, when he wants.

Oh, Valerie...

When you look at me like
that, I can't take it anymore.

Do you want that there, dear?

Doggie!

I'm going to send you to the pound.

It's not okay?
"The Death of the Swan" at 9 months old?

There is no age for swans.

Charlotte...

I am a dancer.

I was made to be a
swan, not a laying hen.

Good. There.

The swan is dead.

You are happy?

And Barazzutti?

There is a small problem.

I am a bailiff at the Paris
court. May I come in?

I regret to inform you that I
have come to seize your furniture.

You are welcome.

Do your duty.

As you believed

to have to remain
deaf to my command

the most imperative, I
see myself constrained,

on behalf of the Department of Justice...

and under section 592

of the Code of Civil Procedure,

which formally stipulates that...
- Psst!

What?

- Table.
- We can't move it.

Calm down.

Big guys like you.

Well?

The chair, there.

Quick.

It's bolted.

The television.

The vase is for me.

Leave me.

Shit, shit,

shit.

Shit. Shit.

What is this comedy?

I would like to talk to you first

of the legal notion that

distinguishes furniture

real estate.

The furniture...

from the Latin mobilis, "mobile,"

therefore implies that
the seizure of movables

is, consequently,

the input of what moves.

Exactly, that is motionless.

So it's real estate,

from the Latin immobilis,

"not moving".

We'll meet again.

He moves.

He moved. There.

I have felt it.

Get the hell out of here.

What's wrong with Barazzutti?

Ah. It is...

That is to say, he wants
us to go to Africa to write.

So are you going to leave?
For a long time?

2, 3 days. It's not long.

And then it's
important for my career.

As long as I'm
here for his arrival...

A bold but simple
plan: I wrote a superb

screenplay, I left Barazzutti
gasping at my talent

and I revealed my
true identity to him.

It was enough for me to be the

handsome Georges
Vallier for a few days.

Aldo.

How are you?

- Let's go?
- Yes.

Aldo.

- Aldo.
- Oh...

Have you come, my little pigeon?

- How nice, that.
- Dear Madam.

I have to tell you something.

Open your suitcase, you.

How? Right here?

Oh dear, my asthma.
Open up, I tell you.

Yes, my dove.

You know, you are
dealing with a huge star.

I know that better
than anyone, Madame.

But what you don't know, maybe,

is that he's also a huge sloth.

What is that?

Oh it's...

You don't need that.

But no.

If he has any difficulties, call me.

Ma'am, I have no doubt that...

Oh no, I insist.

You're not going on vacation.
- Nope.

And that? It's a pen, right?

If I wanted to take a vacation,

I wouldn't go with him.

And who would you go with?

But with you, my dove.

There.

You know women.

Flight to Tunis, immediate boarding.

We go there above all to work.

Valerie, a more mio.

What is that?

It's Valerie's Tweety.

Say hello to Aldo, Tweety.
Tell him good morning.

Well? Is there anyone
who'll open the door for me?

What is this hotel?

Time to change

and we get to work.

How chic, then.

It will be fine.

Very well.

They didn't spoil you, Vallier.

It's ridiculous, this thing.

I'll tell Aldo,

he will have a good laugh.

Absolutely. What does it mean?

Do you intend to put
Georges Vallier in this dump?

Still... Call the front
desk right away.

Hello? Look at this. No but...

Come in, my dear
Aldo, and sit down.

I finish a small sequence.

"I want..." There you go.

I think we'll be fine here to work.

If we are not well here, I
don't know where we will be well.

You see, my dear Aldo,
since I had the chance to meet

you, and even
during the whole trip...

Sit down.

I thought about your character.

I have a few thoughts to
make, before I start writing it.

It is superb, this room.

I said it's superb.

Um, yes.

Yes...

When they found out
I was Vallier, then...

They knew you were Vallier?

Yes. Why?

Nothing.

Nothing.

I was telling you about your character,

and here we come to
a very important point.

I can enter?

Oh dear. It is great, this room.

We already know that.

We are here to work.

It's huge, I say.

So? What's wrong
with my character?

Nothing.

He has nothing. Well, "nothing"...

It is even good,
very, very good.

I mean that we would have
to analyze the components...

It's Hollywood, the bathroom.

Yes, I...

Ah yes, the components.
It should...

It's a real swimming pool
he has, sir. Huh, Tweety?

Who is the star here?

That's what I wonder, too.
Who's the star here?

It's you, my dear Aldo.

It's you.

I get it.

Go on.

I admit that after this morning's
work, we are a little tired,

and I want to admit that a little rest...

So?

I admit that we are tired,
but tomorrow, we work.

We are not one day away.

Oh, here they are. It's them.

The journalists.

Mr. Vallier, it was you I wanted to see.

No, you.

- Me?
- How are you doing?

I present to you Miss Valerie.

Charles. How's it going?

I wanted to tell you...
Let's digress a bit.

They really have nothing
to put in their mouths.

It's complete for me.

A photo with the foot on the table.

Another now standing,
with one foot on the chair.

Another standing on the chair.

Like that. Very well.

And for the fourth, step
back and stand there.

Come on. Very well.
Arms crossed.

Uncross your arms. Let's go.

Very well.

It doesn't matter if
no one recognizes you.

Basta. Stop it.
What's he doing, this asshole?

They've agreed to
interview you tomorrow.

You are too good.

It couldn't have been easy.

Nobody knows you here.

But why are you sulking?

Pure coincidence.

You have no right to stay here.

You do not have the right.

- Do you know who you're talking to?
- Nope.

To the great Aldo Barazzutti.

Go park further away, Mr. Barazzutti.

What is this shitty country?

They don't have a cinema?

It's insane.

Good. I'm going to park the car.

Hurry up.

We are not in parts.

What are you laughing at all the time?

I didn't laugh!

Come to see. Come to see.

You see the gentleman over there,

who has a colorful
shirt and a headband?

There will be 1 dinar
for each of you...

Here.

Hold this.

- She's not here, Valerie?
- Nope.

She pissed me off,
I sent her for a ride.

- That's a shame.
- Why?

You know that you were
very well known here?

- Are you kidding me?
- Nope.

I met Tunisians who recognized you.

Oh yes?

Did they recognize me?
- Oh yes.

Autograph,

Mr. Barazzutti.

Who? Me?

Yes, sir.

That's good.

There.

So?

Yes, but a kid, that
doesn't mean anything.

An autograph, Mr. Barazzutti.

Did you recognize Aldo Barazzutti?

Here.

Where is Valerie? She's never here?

Here. There.

I bet you want an autograph too.

My little rascal...

- Leave Mr. alone.
- Leave.

When you're a star, you have to
put up with the inconveniences.

Here, my little one.

Champagne!

Oh, but that's for me.

Where is Valerie? So, old man. Go on.

As soon as we arrive, we work.

What does he want, doggie?
He wants to ride

on his mistress's bed?

He knows he can't go up.

No, he has no right.

What is he doing there?

What's got into him?

Tweety!

It's naughty.
You're not alone here.

Go on.

Put him in the bathroom.

There's no reason.

Come on, Titi, wise.

He won't bother you anymore.
- You're sure?

Yes.

Nasty animal.

Tweety! Down!

Lie down, lie down... You'll see.

No, coward Tweety!

What is it?

Aldo and Titi fought,

like dogs.

Aldo and Titi?

I don't want to see this guy anymore.

Can I sleep here?

Your communication with Paris, sir.

Hello? Is that you, darling?

Yes.

Hello.

It's okay? Do you work well?

Yes, yes, I'm fine...

Are you coming home
the day after tomorrow?

Yes. Why?

Because you might find
the apartment a bit empty.

Why?

Well, Me De Gros found
an article of the code

which allows real estate to move.

What bothers me is electricity.

- What, electricity?
- They cut it too.

Like gas.

Although I'm doing
with camping gas.

I'm worried about the phone.

I feel it is hanging by a thread.

But do not worry.

The essential,

is that you work well.
- About that, don't worry.

No, I say...

What's this?

Jackals barking in the desert.

There are plenty of them this season.

Oh! Mosquito.

Charlotte, my soul is
crippled with remorse

to know you are so
far away, so alone,

so pregnant.

You don't have cold feet, do you?

Nope.

Because I do.

You have your Tweety.

Titi, he is being punished.

It's not like a man, a Titi.

Can I put my foot there?

There?

Yeah, there.

Yes, but there, it's not the same

than when you asked
me if you could put it there.

Fuck you, huh?
- No no.

Can you warm my shoulders?

I'm cold.

Oh damn.

Oh, that hurts.

- What's the matter?
- It's gout.

It fits in the thumb,
and bam, it launches.

-In the newspaper, they
say that Vallier is a seducer.

Seducer, seducer...

-In the section of big cats.

That's right, I read it too.

Oh, that...

So, what is he waiting
for, the king of beasts?

I have slack in my claws.

I'll sharpen them for you.

He's tired, the lion, this evening.

Isn't the safari over?

He's going to ground

like a wounded beast in the dark.

We breathe well here.

This time, I held it
between four eyes.

I felt that a good day of
intensive work awaited us.

It may not be your character,

but... Come on, let me tell you about it.

I have a scenario in mind.

This is the story of a worker priest

which is embroiled in
a great social conflict.

There are restructuring issues

in the Lorraine steelworks.

Good.

I'm listening to you.

It has been years
since French cinema

is locked away in
vaudeville closets.

I don't complain about it, because
I found fame and fortune there.

Certainly, of course.

But you see, I'm tired

of these eternal
cuckold stories, so I think

that it is time to address
the current problems,

unemployment, death, euthanasia...

Things that don't exclude
comedy, by the way.

Yes, yes.

You will object to me

that we're both worth
millions in comedy.

It's true, it's true.

There, I shout:

"Halt, my dear Aldo!

"Let us not be chained by
our accounts in Switzerland."

I know there is a
paradox in driving

a Bentley and talking
about the crisis,

but we know that cinema
can also be a political weapon.

Eh, yes.

That's true.

Are the arms straight enough?

Yes, but stretch your legs too.

The best topics are everyday ones.

Am I arched enough, there?

Don't waddle.

We do not realize that
the derisory is everywhere.

And the rhythm?
Do you mind counting?

- Count?
- Yes.

- It helps me.
- Oh.

Why not?

You are going to have the
most expensive lifeguard in Paris.

So let's go.

1, 2,

3.

1, 2...

Stretch your legs.

1, 2, 3.

Let's go. 1, 2, 3.

Could you teach my
son a lesson afterwards?

Oh no, no. There are...

There are...

There is an error. I...

I give a...

I'm not...

But yes, yes, yes, yes.

He is an excellent teacher.

I'll stop. He is a teacher
and he takes the little one.

Bellissima.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

Extend your arms.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

1, 2, 3.

Barazzutti doesn't want to
keep you, it's not up to me.

I am here to work.
- I'm not bothering anyone!

If I, I'm not going to spend
my nights in the fireplace.

Come on, boom.

Let's go.

Ouch.

But I have heels.

I don't care.

It was last night that you
could've had this peach.

- I was tired.
- Not shiny.

Me, I want to stay.

No way.

Admire the charm of this landscape.

In the evening, we admire this huge
palm grove for its charm and calm.

Let's not panic.

Don't get bogged
down in problems.

Here is the swimming pool.

Oh yes. Oh yes.

The bungalows are
over there, isolated, quiet.

Isolated? It's perfect.

It is superb.

Let's proceed with method.

(a) Vallier, who doesn't know that
my name is Vallier, must not see me.

(b) Barazzutti, who does not
know Vallier, must not see Vallier.

Which is equivalent to (a) = (b):

Vallier must not see Barazzutti either.

It's bright.

Do you want to sleep, Titi?

Come and sleep, come on.

- Quick, Barazzutti.
- What, Barazzutti?

She was good?

I thought about it.
The plane can wait. Go on.

- We're going to sleep?
- Oh!

You're still special, Vallier.

Have you seen my suitcase?
- It's going to dry.

- What's going on?
- Hush.

- What's gotten into you?
- Valerie...

Well yes, I love you.

This is the first time
I've done this effect.

Quick, Barazzutti.

Hey! Don't stay there.
- Why?

- There is sun.
- So what?

-It's terrible at this hour.
It drives you crazy. Boom!

It swells the eyes,
blisters everywhere...

But we're fine here.

We must return. Go on!

Blisters everywhere...

Quick!

You don't plan to wear your tuxedo?
- Yes, tonight.

You've seen it?

Have you seen the pants?

There is more to go to town.

What's he still
bothering us, that one.

Can I have an autograph, Mr. Barazzutti?

Ah. Now you know
who Aldo Barazzutti is.

There. You make me very happy.

1 dinar.

What, 1 dinar?

- It's the car park that's paying.
- Oh, good.

What are you laughing about?

It's aphrodisiac honey. It's very good.

It's very good, when you're
afraid of running out of clubs.

And to say that there
are people who need that.

They're not like me, huh.

There it is.

Do you have a tuxedo for Monsieur?

No, but I have pretty slippers.

Slippers with a tuxedo?

Why not?
Do you have black slippers?

Hi Mom?

This time, that's it, I'm sure.

He said "I love you" to
me, and it was like a big hit.

I just woke up.

I can't go to the casino like that.

Why not?

With a bow tie, it's...

At least you won't look like a tourist.

Well, that's not bad. I like it.

Do you want one too, dear Georges?

Oh, no. No.

Me, I immediately look
disguised, with that.

That's not bad.

"Dear Marie."

But where did he go?

Vallier, where have you been?
Oh dear.

Well, George! Ah, shit.

Here, here.

It's true that I don't mind.
- Yes.

If it rains, presto,
neither seen nor known.

It's this way.

We must return. Over there.

ME, SIR! ME, SIR!

You see?

I can't blend in.

Everyone recognizes
the great Aldo Barazzutti.

No, one.

There. There.

You know, my dear Georges, a
metaphysical anguish comes to me.

I'm afraid I'll run
out of club tonight.

What?

George, I need honey.

But finally...

You have to go back to work.

We're going to get spotted eventually.

The kids...
- Exactly.

Here, everyone recognizes
me, whereas you are nothing.

George, honey.

Come on, boom!

Hop!

For his birthday

Tonight, I'm going to do it to myself

You haven't seen a
gentleman with curly hair,

with pants like that...?

Come on, boom!

So?

- Give me.
- Take it. Hop.

We must return to Paris.

Already? But we
couldn't even write a line.

Exactly, here, we...

we can't work.

I feel disturbed,
my head's elsewhere.

If your wife saw us...

The swimming pool,
the tuxedo, the walks...

It's not serious, that.

It's not serious.

We're going.

Tomorrow then.

'Cause tonight

there will be one more
cuckold in the bush.

I'll tell you one thing.

I'll tell you one

thing, my dear...

Georges, the brunette at
the pool, it's her birthday.

Tonight is going to be his party.

We should start
talking about the subject.

Sure.

Pay attention to the bend.

What is that?

It's stuck.

What's that?

Nothing. I was talking to my camel.

I prefer that.

I finally had a few hours
of work ahead of me.

You are free?

How about a walk?

- It's over.
- Up to town.

The camel's tired.

Can't we go for a walk, then?
Go see the director.

So just a little trick.

You are nice.

You can kneel this noble animal?
- Right now.

Come on, lie down.

Go on.

Lie down. Hop. Hop.

Lying. Boom! Lying. Go on.

Look, you're doing this. Lying.

Lying. Go on.

Hello.

Come on, lie down.

Look, like That. Hop.

What is he doing?

I don't know.

It's camel arthritis.

Come and help me.

Yes, boss.

So it's simple.

Hand there, foot there, and presto!

Attention. 1, 2, and boom!

Come on, boom.

Tremendous. One more hit.

1, 2, boom!

Come on, boss.

Hop!

I must tell Barazzutti that
his fiancee is in Vallier's arms.

No, not Vallier.
Vallier, it's me.

Hello.

That's what year?

1515.

You realize? It's like Marignan.

Lots of things happened that year.

- Who built it?
- Rashid the Terrible.

Why "the Terrible"?

We never knew.

Is he stupid or what?

Honey, don't be racist.

It's not because you're
married to a former para...

Mrs. Weiss is there?

We don't have a Mrs. Weiss.

Are you sure?
She is accompanied by a child.

It's beautiful.

What an inspiration...

I'm really thirsty.

My friend, go get
something fresh for Madame.

Yes, boss. With diligence.

Go on.

That's pretty.

Or why not this one?

He's beautiful, don't you think?

For 10 dinars, really...

Very refined. Very refined.

I'm not very all-in, but
if you want it, it's yours.

That's very amusing.

So what?

- That's great.
- Quite a design. Do you want one?

Say so, my dear.

Can you chat for us?

But...

Come, my boy. It's over there.

How much is it?

It's 10 dinars.

There.

Your turn now.

Go ahead, sir.

What does it mean? 10 dinars?

It's incredible.

You want the skin of my client?

It's too expensive.

What do you want,
with your funny accent?

It's too expensive, right?
Do you want my ruin?

You take the store, the city,
everything, but you give me the price.

I'll give you the price.
For example 6 dinars.

Where are you from, false brother?
I said 8 dinars, that's all.

I'll tell you:

It's 7 dinars or nothing.

Okay, 7 dinars.

And that's the job, 300 off.

Yes, but it's broken.

Let him be.

I'll tell you: We're
going to talk quietly,

without getting upset, we'll sit down.

We will both talk.

- What is that?
- It's 15 dinars.

Hey there, I say stop, my old man.

It'll end up costing us more.

You leave, boss.

That, you say 15
dinars, That, 7 dinars.

Me, I prefer that. It's more original.

My friend, we must know
what we are talking about.

I'm going to show you something.

Look at this.

That's done almost entirely by hand.

This, too.

Look at the delicately hemmed frills.

- Like it?
- I don't know.

But did you admire
before your amazed eyes

the object and its polychromy?

Polychromy, that?

That's polychromy.

It's too fragile for the boss.

Looked. Ah, well, that.

Take that, boss. It's very good.

What is that?

A shepherd's trumpet to call the sheep.

We don't have any.

It even works without sheep. Look.

500 millimeters.

The trumpet?

Gray pepper.
The trumpet is 7 dinars.

I prefer this dish.

We take that.

It's been 7...

Plus 14.

Who will pay for all this?

Shit.

Quick, Barazzutti.

Hey, look.

I found a great one.
Haven't you changed yet?

You look disguised.

Tonight, there will be one more

fulfilled woman under
the Tunisian sky.

- Precisely...
- For his birthday...

Exactly...

Oh Vallier.

Dear Yseult!

What a paradise!

Oh, my Tristan!

What is that?

Sorry, but I slipped.

It's honey. I slipped.

She is good.

Help me! Help me!

Go on.

Your wife's calling you from Paris.
It's urgent.

From Paris? I'm coming.

It's my son.

He did it.

It's for tonight.

Already?

You know, it's been 9 months.
You work well?

Yes yes. Well, we don't stop.

Not too much trouble?

Problems? Don't know.

Hello? Don't cut.

Who's speaking?

Tonight, it's going to hit.

Fasten your seat belts.

It's Aldo the class. Hop!

Prego.

Mr. Barazzutti's in his room?

- Yes sir.
- Thank you.

- It's okay?
- Thanks very much. And you?

But he's my mahout.

Hop, we fuck.

Ah anyway!

Oh, excuse me.

Oh no, now is not the time.

I thought I recognized someone.

Come on, boom. Barazzutti, now.

Shit! And me, then?

There are more urgent matters.

Take off your slippers this time.

Good. So? Eh?

Where is he?

In the closet.

It is my job.

I put people in the closet every day

who tremble with fear

when you open them.
You haven't seen it?

It's not important. I get it.

Good evening.

You understood, did you?

Well, you're in luck.

Aldo!

- Aldo!
- Psst.

The Italian, he's lying
on the floor in my room.

But what...?

- It's honey.
- What honey?

For the club.

What's this?

That's enough. Go to your room.

It's me.

I can enter?

Oh, you, you...

Wouldn't this be the time to
take each other like animals?

What is it, like beasts?

Is he there?

- There's a guy in the closet.
- What's wrong with you all?

I know you're there!

By God, my husband.

What did you say?

- Why?
- For nothing.

Open!

Good. Closet?

OK.

Little man.

Are you there, big guy?
- As you see.

- Did you hear what she said?
- "By God, my husband."

You're happy?

You said they were theatrical lines.

You see, it exists, people in closets.

It's always the same thing.
He'll say, "I know you have a lover."

I know you have a lover!

It's not true!

It must be noted that
the dialogue isn't terrible.

I, now, I will make him open the cupboard.

Go ahead, look.

Everything is expected.

I'm bored with vaudeville.
- The door.

I'm not stupid.

Even he doesn't believe it.

By the way, what...? Hold on.

What? Repeat that!

What are you doing here?

And you?

I've been sleeping with her
for years. When Mr. arrives...

You understand?

And you?

You can't blame me
either: I sleep with her, too.

So when you arrive...

Oh, but then...

We are both. Is there...?

I don't know, I just arrived.

- The cupboards.
- That's enough, you.

As for you, I take it upon
myself because of the little one,

but we'll see later.

Bitch, are you cheating on me with him?

And one more thing...

Occupied.
- I came back for your birthday.

I will never leave
you alone again.

Your behavior is shameful.

- Sir.
- Sir.

Go on.

Come on, it's not time to sleep.

Go! Go! Go.

Why are they slapping you?

Never mind. In bed!

I want to apologize for earlier.

Let me introduce myself:

George Vallier.

"George" who?

Tomorrow, we go home.
Here we do nothing.

- And my beautiful cake?
- Now's not the time to think about it.

My little Georges, the light.

- My beautiful cake...
- Shit.

I forbid you to
talk to other men.

You're mine now.

It's unbelievable,
the effect I have on him.

It's sure, mom, it's sure.

He's the man I've been waiting for.

When he took me back in his
arms, wham, a light went off in my head.

Like the first time.

Stronger!

- To me?
- Yes, to you.

Stronzo.

Oh yes.

Blow.

Blow.

For God's sake!

What?

Eat it quickly.

- Oh, say...
- What?

Honey... I'm not well.

Shit.

I have wings when
it's you who calls me

Because you are the most beautiful

My little Isabelle

Have you seen how nice he is?
You wouldn't do that for me.

You didn't tell me it was your birthday.

Dude, it suits you very well.

How glad I am to see you.
The great Aldo Barazzutti.

You don't introduce me to your friend?

- I'll tell you everything.
- I'll introduce myself:

Pierre Renaud.

What he wanted to tell
you is that I'm his negro.

Ah, his negro...

We ask for Mr. Pierre
Renaud on the phone.

I think it's for me. Excuse me.

It's me...

Pierre Renaud.

Are you trying to poison me?

So what?

No, nothing. It was the clinic.

- So what?
- My wife gave birth.

We're not going to make a drama out of it.

That is good news. Hake a cigar.

Thank you.

- He doesn't wanna make a drama out of it!
- Why are you doing one?

Yes. Why, Vallier?

But I don't. I don't care.

I don't care.

Oh, great.

So, is it a boy or a girl? Eh?

I forgot to ask.

It's not true! Didn't you ask him?

Well, what the fuck
can it matter? It's not your child.

It's true, Vallier.

I know his name is Georges Vallier.

If I find him...

I'll kill him!

"Well, my dear Vallier,
you're in trouble.

Father, I found an Italian
passport under the bed.

George.

George.

Oh my love.

Mr. Barazzutti, an autograph!

But yes. Why not? Autograph.

I have photos in my luggage.
Did you recognize the great Aldo?

Nope. I recognized the dinar man.

It's not okay, right? So?

And my dinar?

Mr Barazzutti!
And my dinar, Mr. Barazzutti?

Mr Barazzutti!

Tonight, we are escaping.

- You have an idea?
- Nope.

Okay.

Attention, everyone is ready?
Is everyone seated?

- And hop.
- There.

- Mr. George.
- Mr. Aldo.

Will you pass me the bucket?
- Certainly.

Look carefully.

And there you go.

Attention.

And now, do you want
to cross to the other side?

- "On the other side."
- Look carefully.

On the other side.

And now, watch what I do.

I put the bucket on it.

Ladies and genflemen, take a good look.

Mr. George, come in.

Second version's a little less primary.
You're with me?

- Yes.
- Go to the other side.

And on the other side, me.

I close it and I pick up the bucket.

No, no. Water is too scarce here.

Take camel piss instead. It's better.

There. Give me that.

It'll be less funny.

So I put the bucket on... the door.

Mr. Aldo, everyone is watching us.

Everyone is wise, but
you have to hurry anyway.

And I'm waiting for Mr. Aldo.
I wait. I wait.

I wait. I wait.

I'm still waiting for Mr. Aldo.

But what is he doing?
That's quite long, Mr. Aldo.

It's long!

So? What is he doing?

- What is he doing?
- Shit!

I can't seem to start... The car.

How dare you?
I am the great Aldo Barazzutti.

So, let's see, the great Aldo Barazzutti...
- Exactly.

Your last movie,
it was "Clear Behind the Ears?"

Yes, sir.

So I read:

"Heartbreaking. Appalling spectacle.

"35 tickets in Rome

"on a Saturday night."

37.

And I read: "Aldo Barazzutti makes
people laugh more than himself.

"A black belly."

What is this thing?

I see. This one never loved me.

It's not true. A jerk!

Say, you!

The war!

If you hadn't pretended to be...

- He...
- Silence!

You, Mr. Vallier, interest me a great deal.

I don't like vaudeville.

You are wrong, my dear.

I'm watching you.

I think your
pet it-bourgeois author name

will serve to publicize our fight.

The Italian can leave.

- Thank you.
- But I'm not Georges Vallier.

I am Pierre Renaud. Peter Renaud!

I've never been...
- But, George...

My little Georges,
what's the point of all that?

Look at me. Am I talking?

It's true, I'm no longer
worth anything, I admit it.

I'm shit.

So you are everything.
They were right.

We must bow before the
insight of these men of the desert.

Bastard!

It's been a year now since Aldo left.

No one pays Georges
Vallier's ransom.

That doesn't surprise me.
But the leader is obstinate.

I believe him to be proud and
incapable of recognizing his mistakes.

And here we go again.

I understood why
they are called nomads.

That's it, we got it.

I... Can I?

Nope!

Go away! Go away!

Nope! Lying!

Go away!

Drop it off. Shit!

Free. I'm free.

I will finally know if
you are a girl or a boy.

Arrival from Tunis, flight Tunis-air 732,

Exit door 43.

That's dad, kids.

My love!