It Takes Two (1988) - full transcript
In Texas, the naive Travis Rogers quits his job to marry his beloved Stephanie "Stephi" Lawrence and work with his father-in-law. However he decides to buy a car with his US$ 5,000.00 savings in Dallas before the wedding. He goes to a car dealer and the sexy saleswoman Jonni Tigersmith convinces him to buy an expensive fully-loaded Lamborghini-type car after the test drive. But soon Travis finds that his car is a piece of junk. When Jonni sees the car, she has an argument with her crooked boss since it is not the test drive car and is fired together with the mechanic. She meets Travis and they have one night stand. They team up with the mechanic and decide to retrieve the car he bought. Meanwhile Stephi is waiting for travel for the rehearsals and finally for the wedding. Will Travis marry Stephi or stay with Jonni?
(SEDUCTIVE DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Rogers!
Just because it's your last day don't mean
you can sit on your butt, dreaming. Work!
He ain't working.
I'm workin'.
Where's your hat?
I lost it.
Hey, last day, huh, Travis?
Last day.
Rogers!
I'm working.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Good luck to you, Travis.
Done!
(LAUGHING)
You're really going
to do it? Yeah.
You will be sorry.
I know what I'm talking about.
I've been married three times.
Kiss my butt, man.
Believe me, they change.
I've known this
girl my whole life.
Have you tried
talking to her lately?
Well, she is busy now.
(CHUCKLES)
What are you laughing
about? Too busy to talk, huh?
Ain't got quite as much time
as she used to have?
All that talking time is over now,
anyway.
She has a noose around your
neck. You are going down fast.
(SCOFFS)
(ALL CLAMORING)
What the hell?
Stephi, I have to talk to you.
He cannot see her
in her wedding gown!
Keep still!
Sorry.
Watch your feet.
Stephi... Darling,
I can't talk to you now.
(ALL CLAMORING)
You want me to go home?
No. Stay.
Flowers for Stephi Lawrence.
Put those beautiful monsters
in there. Travis, go bathe.
Someone I know?
Want a wart on her nose? No.
(ALL SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)
MAN: Make way for the cake.
What are they doing here?
Our kitchen burned up.
WOMAN: They need a place
to ice the cake.
Stephi, talk to me!
Darling, I can't now.
Talk to me.
(GLASS BREAKING)
Damn it to hell!
Oh, my God.
What did he break?
What did he do?
Mother!
He tried to walk across
his own living room.
He broke the Venetian glass
serving plate.
My God, Bull!
Would y'all hush up?
It looks better broken.
Come here.
You choose.
You said you wanted lamb.
Chicken legs bring good luck.
Come here, boy.
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
More flowers for
Stephi Lawrence.
Do you want bows
on Travis's pumps?
He must have bows.
Bull, you're not
leaving this house.
Stephi, five minutes!
Travis, can't you see
that I am busy?
How am I supposed to paint that?
Are you having second
thoughts about this marriage, boy?
Daddy, stop that.
Looks like a touch of
buyer's remorse. What is that?
That is his earring. We have a
matched set. Travis has one, I have one.
Travis, I love you.
Father, we have to make
plans for the rehearsal.
They sent funeral flowers
over here. Call them.
The future.
I can say it in one word.
Manure.
Stephi,
did you put me with Loomis?
My goodness.
(ALL CLAMORING)
That's all right.
Manure is the future
energy source of the world.
It puts out all those gases. Methane,
ethane and all that stuff.
You and me are going
into the manure business,
and corner the market
on future energy supplies.
Get to Dallas and buy
that car you want quick,
because I want you back for
the Petroleum Club luncheon.
You miss that lunch,
and I am going to eat your nuts.
Daddy.
Bull.
Quiet. I am talking
business over here.
Come outside with me.
Are you insane? She's in her
wedding dress. You get out of here.
Son, son.
Son, the future is shit. And
you and me are in it together.
MAN: Come on, boy.
(KISSING LOUDLY) Come on.
Come on, boy.
Easy, now.
Easy, now, boy.
(NEIGHS)
Come on.
Nobody likes a noose.
Easy does it.
Son, you are 20. You are
getting married in three days.
It's normal to feel
a little frightened.
Dad, I don't know
if I'm ready for this.
You're ready.
People in California don't get
married until they are or 30 or 35.
And they get married four
or five different times, too.
Forget about California people.
How many of your friends
getting married this summer?
Seven.
You boys going to get lots of
sugar this summer. (LAUGHS)
Seems to me that city
folks keep their young,
too young for too long.
You are grown. You will have a
good job coming with Bull Lawrence.
Now, you deserve a good woman.
What else do you want to be?
A disco king?
No!
(BOTH LAUGH)
That's it. That's it. Grip him
with your knee. There you go.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
You got it.
That's great.
You sure are a good looking boy.
I just wish you
had common sense.
Mama...
Okay. All right.
Here we go, again.
I said nothing. Mom,
you know I can't work for Dad.
It would mean so much to him.
I've got too much
on my mind right now.
I don't want to work with horses.
I want to do something else!
Get off my back!
You really want to work
for Bull Lawrence?
No.
But not here either.
You don't have to live here.
That's not the point.
He loves you so much. And
you are so good with horses.
(GROANS)
Hello, Andrew.
This is Bull Lawrence.
I'm fine. Thank you.
Listen. My new son-in-law
is going into business with us.
I'm making him a partner.
I'm having a luncheon at
the Petroleum Club on Friday.
I want you to come meet him.
Are you packed yet?
I'm just going to Dallas.
You've never been there.
It's a lot different than here.
It's not like I'm moving there.
Why do you have to go there?
Why buy a hot rod?
It's not a hot rod.
I don't care. You should be
thinking about basic transportation.
Ford or Chevy.
Shut up.
Or a pick-up truck.
I don't want a truck.
How much is it?
I only need $5,000 down.
Pissing it away... I
could use it as collateral.
He did earn the money.
Now he's throwing it away.
You have a wife to take care of.
You know how Stephi needs care.
Oh, stop that.
You'll have house payments.
Now car payments, too.
What if it breaks down?
If it breaks down,
you'll be stuck with no way to get to work.
Stephi's daddy
wouldn't like that.
I don't want you asking Bull
Lawrence for money help.
I'm getting
married this Saturday.
Don't you think I'm old
enough to buy my own car?
How do I look?
Like a Mafia game show host.
She told her mom we
are going to have five kids.
Does that mean you
will finally get laid?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
(ALL LAUGH)
Listen, everybody. I've got
some important marital advice.
Fellatio.
Hush.
Doing weddings is
Walter and my business.
I know what makes a marriage last,
and what doesn't.
Stephi, listen to me.
Sorry.
We don't do divorces.
This is it. People are
always saying how
different men
and women are. Right?
(BUZZES)
Stop that! Do you want
me to just go home?
No.
I could just go home.
No. Stay.
All right. Where was
I? Men and women.
You hear that all men want is
sex. All women want is romance.
Not true. I've met women
stronger than most men.
And some men more
sensitive than any woman.
You want your marriage to last,
then remember one thing.
What?
He ain't no different than you.
(SEDUCTIVE DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING)
(LIGHTNING CRACKING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Stephi!
Shh! Quiet.
What do you want?
You.
Go around. Now!
Sweetie, when are
you going to grow up?
Now we are going to talk.
About us.
Us? Travis,
I know what the matter with you is.
You have male
prenuptial anxiety attack.
What?
I read about it in Modern
Bride. It will go away.
Let me come up there.
If I haven't let you up here in 15 years,
I am not starting tonight.
Then come down here to me.
Honey, go to bed.
Stephi, I need you.
Oh, honey,
you are just feeling horny.
You'll have me in three
days. Can't you wait?
Stephi!
(LAUGHS)
You are so cute.
I love you.
(MUMBLES) I love you.
Travis, I love you.
Love you, too.
Travis Rogers, please!
I love you!
So, what's the trouble, bubble?
I don't know you, Stephi.
Travis, you've known me
your whole life.
Travis, have you been drinking?
Yeah.
I knew it.
You did?
Yes, I did.
How did you know?
I know you better than
anybody in the whole world.
You do?
Yes, I do.
Travis, you go to bed.
Good boy.
Stephi.
I need this car.
Then go buy it.
Travis.
We're going to get married.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
You may kiss the bride.
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
What's this?
A money belt.
I have a wallet.
They have pickpockets.
Who are they?
Where is Stephi? I thought
she was going to be here.
Wait. Take this. I have put
a couple quarters n there.
Call us if you need anything.
There's some seltzer tablets
and Dr. Phelp's phone number.
Mom, these aren't quarters.
I put a mini-fold raincoat
in there. You never know.
Mom, I'm not going to hell.
I have a schedule
to make, folks.
Get a receipt, Son.
Call us when you get there.
Travis!
I love you!
Joining the service?
No. I'm buying a car.
When do we get there?
You bought a seat.
Sit in it.
No, I like this.
Pick one.
Whoo! We're moving now.
I'm Travis Rogers.
Frank.
I thought I was never
going to get out of this town.
Where you going,
Dorothy? Oz?
No. I'm going to Dallas.
(CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't afford this car.
Travis, no.
Stephi, listen to me.
Travis,
I can't listen to you. I'm too busy.
Stephi, we are going
to buy this car.
Travis,
that is a Lambor-Jeanie. Ghini!
It's an imitation Lamborghini.
It's a fake. Probably
will blow up. Fine.
Goodbye.
Bye, honey.
Trust me. I know
what I'm talking about.
This car is not as
expensive as it looks.
I'm going to buy the
bare model. No extra frills.
And I know all about salesmen.
You've got high-end, low-end,
you got bluebook price.
I'm going to make a deal
that nobody will believe.
Travis, I know you.
You look at that car
and your mouth drops open.
Some bonehead salesman
will make you his friend.
You want to buy
every option and...
I don't want to spend my life
living in a trailer eating tuna
fish just to pay for some car!
Stephi, I know how to handle
a bonehead salesman.
Pretty, isn't she?
Yes. She is a beauty.
She runs like a scalded dog.
Let me get one of my
salespeople to help you.
Jonni!
Well, I guess we know
what we want. Right?
I mean, some guys really aren't
sure. But you don't look like that.
Jonni Tigersmith,
sales. But don't hold that against me.
(STAMMERS)
Uh, Travis Rogers.
Come on.
You will love this.
She is available
with four or six turbos.
Or no turbo.
All kinds of roofs.
Lots of hot colors. Midnight blue.
Bonzai black. Fire and ice red.
It's unbelievable. It is still more
car than I planned on, though.
It's just that I
only have $19,000.
With $5,000 down to start.
That's it.
Money isn't a problem. We
have a creative financing plan.
I like you.
My boss owes me a favor. I'll
try and get you a special deal.
You mean we're going to
make a deal here? Now?
We'll talk about money later.
Let's go for a test drive.
(ENGINE FIRING UP)
God, these things are tight.
Travis, watch the road
while you're driving.
I don't usually do this.
My boss would kill me.
But why don't we go out on the
freeway? Get a look at her legs?
Coming?
Travis, don't get sucked in.
I will not get sucked in.
No options!
I don't want any options.
No mag wheels. No 6-liter engine.
Want a radio? Can't have one.
Travis, we can't afford this
car if you buy one option.
JONNI: This is
the Options Room.
You probably want alloy wheels.
Or mag wheels?
Yeah.
This means yes.
Yes. Si.
Do it.
Ha! All right!
You have to have
an engine, tiger.
A 6-liter?
Sure.
Now, just go crazy.
Take whatever you want.
It's all yours.
All right.
(MUTTERING)
It's nice.
(LAUGHS WILDLY)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Are you two getting a
kickback on all this stuff?
No more Wedgewood. Do
you want Titian or Oxblood?
Titian.
Chrome carburetor.
Pearl-handled gear shift lever.
Extended warranty?
That's it.
Happy?
Yes, I am.
Let me talk to my boss
and see if I can make a deal.
Jonni? Fight for me.
That's why they
call me the "Tiger."
That's why. Hmm.
Jewelry.
We need earrings.
She'll wear her
grandmother's earrings.
I will not.
Those things are ugly.
Has he got a trade-in?
JONNI: No. It's his first car.
Did you get him on the options?
He practically
broke the computer.
Take his $5,000 and get him on
the monthlies. He is watching us now.
I'll be back.
I have to go hand
somebody his dick.
He wouldn't go for it.
Was it fire and ice red
you wanted?
I got it?
(CHEERS)
Stephi? I got it.
Travis, what are you
doing still in Dallas?
Dallas?
Quiet!
Travis, talk to me.
You won't believe this car.
I don't care.
What are you doing?
You listen. I spend
$120,000 on a car,
and I expect it to start.
Do I look like I
gave birth to the car?
Get me the manager.
You need major surgery to get
management away from their lunch.
You go find me one of
them dipshits right now,
or I'll yank them into court and
have their heads circumcised.
Travis, are you listening to me?
Yeah.
I would pay to see that.
Travis, the rehearsal dinner is in
three hours. Get back here now.
Excuse me. I have to wait
an hour for my car to be ready.
Is there any place to eat?
The Burrito Emporium across
the street. Nice people there, too.
MAN: Woman, let me cook.
I will cook for you. You
don't want my brother to cook.
Okay.
If she is going to cook,
run away fast.
Do you want a Torpedo Burrito
or the Tijuana Torpedo?
Don't do it, man.
I'll have
the Tijuana Torpedo burrito.
You are crazy, man.
Shut up!
Do you want more?
I can't eat anymore.
Six is enough.
You are going to die, man.
Have one more. Please?
Don't do it.
I have to get my car now.
What's the damage?
Your colon.
There you are.
I thought I lost you.
Whoa!
This is our 800 number.
My home number is on the back.
Call me if anything goes wrong.
Your home phone number?
Go run dry.
First mile is for you.
I can't believe this!
(ENGINE FIRES UP)
Ruff, ruff.
Well, Dad,
I guess your fears were unfounded. Right?
Unfounded. (CHANGES VOICE)
I knew you could do it, son.
Thank you, Mr. President.
No, Travis. Because of that,
we want you to be Secretary of the World.
Thank you.
The first thing on the agenda
is to turn up the music
as loud as possible.
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
What's up?
I love your car.
Thank you.
Thank you, God.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes!
♪ Weapons of love
♪ Hurting me
♪ Weapons of love
♪ Killing me
(TIRES SQUEAL)
(SCREAMS IN PAIN)
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)
My tape! What is
the matter with this?
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Stephi, this is serious.
I feel it.
I can tell he will be late
to the rehearsal dinner.
Travis will be here.
Within seconds
he will be
arriving in the driveway.
(TRANSMISSION GRINDING)
My bones have never
lied. They're lying now.
We have got
a major problem here.
Relax. Travis will be here.
How are you so sure?
I know. Because I have him
wrapped around my finger.
I thought you wanted a wedding
ring wrapped around your finger?
No, Dee Dee. Wedding ring
goes around the fourth finger.
Husband goes around the pinkie.
(ALL LAUGH)
(MAN SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Goddamned car!
Damned car!
(GIGGLING)
"Within seconds Travis will
be arriving in the driveway."
"Wrapped around
her little finger."
Blow it out your ass,
Dee Dee. (GASPS) Trash mouth.
Stephi, your daddy says
we have to leave now.
Mr. Rogers? It's raining like
a cow pissing on a flat rock.
Tonight I have a good place to
keep it. This car is very hard to tow.
Are you sure it
should hang like this?
Body is made of plastic,
like a Barbie Doll.
Even as we speak,
Travis is in our beautiful new car,
flying home to me,
like Romeo to Juliet. That's me.
Could you slow down? My whole
life is spinning around back there.
Ah! Help!
Mr. Rogers, relax.
It's not going anywhere.
Would you get it down?
You do your job.
I will do mine.
Your car is perfectly safe.
You're sure?
Go home.
I can't go home.
Why not?
Is there a motel or
something around here?
You are from out of town.
Hotel, two blocks that
direction. You will be fine.
However, I would walk very
quickly and don't speak to anyone.
Where is he?
He will be here, honey.
My husband is going to miss
my rehearsal dinner.
Rehearsal dinner?
It's more like a coronation.
If there is no wedding,
we still get paid.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you have any rooms?
Sir?
(RINGS BELL)
Hello?
Hello? Any rooms?
Hey, dumb ass!
What are you doing?
You got any rooms?
This is it. It used to be
the elevator engine room.
We call it
The Top of the Shaft suite.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Jonni.
Please be home, Jonni.
Chicken, Chicken.
Can I help you?
Chicken, Chicken?
How many pieces would you like?
Oh, no.
We lost one more.
Here he is!
I got him. Here he is!
He's on the telephone!
Are you hurt, angel?
No, I'm fine.
Then you're dead.
Stephi, are you alone? There's
something I have to tell you.
(CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY)
This better be good.
Well, I'm still in Dallas.
(SHRIEKS)
I'm having a small problem
with the car.
What kind of small problem?
Needs a minor readjustment.
Are you sure it's not us that
needs a minor readjustment?
Stephi...
Now, Travis. You would tell me if
something was the matter, right?
Honey, nothing is the matter.
Then promise me you will be
at Daddy's luncheon tomorrow.
I promise.
Even if I have to take a bus.
Travis...
Travis...
Honey...
What?
Remember when you carved
our two hearts in that oak tree?
Uh-huh.
Well, Travis, just think.
In exactly 46 hours and 57 minutes,
those two hearts will be as one.
Uh, Stephi, I have got to go.
Travis!
Travis! Travis!
Travis! Shit.
I love you too, angel.
Uh-oh.
Where am I?
What's the trouble, bubble?
Stephi, where am I?
We are in your tummy, honey.
My stomach?
Honey,
what have you been eating?
Tijuana Torpedos.
You are going to die, man.
I've never seen you like this.
Coochie-Coo.
(LAUGHS)
Stop it!
Oh, Travis, I love you, angel.
Oh, no! Travis?
Travis!
Wait. I'm coming.
Stephi, I'm coming.
Help me!
Travis, marry me.
No! No!
Marry me!
Travis, Marry me!
Come back. I'm sorry.
Stephi!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
I must have misdialed.
Jonni wouldn't do that to me.
Wrong number.
Where's that card?
Jonni Tigersmith's home.
555-2782.
Panic over nothing.
Chicken, Chicken.
(GROANS)
Say what? Man,
do you want to order a chicken or not?
I think he
already had his chicken.
Did he like it?
(HEAVING ON SPEAKER)
That's the man who was here.
When are you going
to learn how to cook?
That was our first customer.
Listen to that man.
What will he say about us?
Shut up.
I'm sorry about the way that chicken
made you feel. It's our first day.
Don't say that!
And I think he knows it.
Where is Jonni Tigersmith?
Open the door.
What is your problem?
Where's Jonni?
Jonni is gone.
I've heard that before.
Where is she?
Whatever she told you,
she told me worse.
What?
I mean, however she screwed you,
she screwed me worse. Understand?
No.
The bitch left last night
with two months advance pay
and 25 guys like
you howling at me.
No.
That's right. Women.
(CHUCKLES)
My father told me not to
do this. I was miles from here
and the seats move forward,
the sunroof chops off my hand,
the stereo starts
vomiting my tapes out.
I'm having a good time,
the car falls apart.
Well,
it's not supposed to do that. It did.
She said you would help.
She shouldn't have.
Well, she shouldn't have.
Gentlemen, the beautiful
part of this process
is there is an unlimited
supply of raw material.
There's one thing we Texans
will always produce,
and that is manure.
Even if we all suddenly
turned into vegetarians.
We can always stay
on top of the pile.
Gentlemen, there is
no negative side to this.
The only thing we ever
have to fear is constipation.
(ALL LAUGH)
I was hoping to introduce
my new son-in-law,
Travis Rogers,
but the little bastard didn't show up.
So instead I, Stephi Lawrence,
will be speaking in his place.
You boys are probably tired of listening
to my daddy. I'll tell you something.
Stereo replacement for
the Macro-acoustic is $360.
Covered by the warranty?
No.
All told, I would say your
repair costs are about $3,200.
Did I mention the labor cost?
That's extra.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Welcome, my friend,
to the exciting 800 number
of the world of Trovare.
My name is Guiseppe Roma,
your pre-recorded problem solver
in the wonderful
world of Trovare.
As you know, your Trovare is
the finest in modern transpiration,
designed by master
auto builders in Europe.
It doesn't work, Guiseppe.
But sometimes,
even perfection can go wrong.
If you believe the challenge you
are experiencing is the engine,
press number one on
the telephone dial.
If it is the transmission,
press number two.
Brakes, number three.
And if you don't
know what is wrong,
in the whole world,
press number four.
Uh-oh.
And please allow Guiseppe
to tell you how wise you were
to purchase
the extended warranty.
I didn't buy it.
Because, my friend, Guiseppe can
only help you if you have the warranty.
If you have the factory-only warranty,
I am very sad.
Because now we must say ciao.
(SCREAMING)
Mayday!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Get him!
You! I want my money back!
You bastard!
Get out of here.
I tried to be nice.
What good does it
do to be a nice guy?
Back to work, boys.
Curious how many cars have broke
down since you took over this place.
I guess that's why you're here,
to fix them.
I can't fix a 1957 Chevrolet
carburetor in a two-day-old Trovare.
Listen, I sell the cars.
You keep them running.
Or you can get out.
One call from me
and you'll be in San Quentin,
praying you don't drop the soap.
That's it!
You're fired, buddy!
I don't give a shit, dickhead.
Get out of here now. You
hear me? Grease monkey!
You been chopping my cars?
And you're next.
One way to Wyeth.
The bus leaves at 8:06.
You have five hours to waste.
That's okay.
I've wasted my whole life.
I'm sorry.
I'm going too fast.
Ooh.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(MUTTERING INDISCERNIBLY)
Jesus!
Kamikaze.
You don't need another drink.
I don't need
another psychiatrist.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, auto pusher.
Come here.
Get away from my face.
Hey, boys, here's the little
lady who sold me that car.
Why don't you leave her alone?
Take her out of here.
Who, me?
Yeah, you.
Don't you touch me.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Get my car back.
I can't. I got fired.
♪ Come and get your girl and go
♪ Zydeco down Dallas alley
♪ I know you've been here before
♪ Come on down to Zydeco
The car I sold you is
not the car you got.
You sold me a turkey.
A work of art.
The car blew up.
♪ Zydeco
He's run away
with another woman.
You can't wear your
wedding dress to the rehearsal.
I paid for it.
Let her wear it.
He's been gone two days.
The rehearsal is in an hour.
He hasn't called.
He is out with some slut!
This whole thing
is turning to shit.
♪ Zydeco down Dallas alley
♪ Zydeco
♪ At the place
where the kids are hip
♪ Get your feet down
on the floor
♪ All right, everyone,
here's a tip
♪ On the Dallas Zydeco
♪ I know Zydeco
I told you it was bad luck.
I told you not to wear your
wedding gown to the rehearsal.
But you do what you want,
because you like wearing it.
Now look.
Got him right here!
Travis, where the hell are you?
I'm running a little late.
Late?
I am standing at the altar.
Stephi, calm down.
It's just a rehearsal.
It's my wedding rehearsal
and the groom isn't even here.
What is that music I hear?
Stephi, I will be there.
You listen good, boy. You get
your butt back here right away,
or this wedding is tits up.
I love you too, honey.
Excuse me.
What was that all about?
My bride is waiting
for me at the altar.
I guess I will be
your bachelor party.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPS)
Daytime!
Would you sit down?
Nope.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Is that Travis?
Dad? I have to talk to you.
Hello, Leon.
Yes, I have the grain reports.
They are in the back room.
I'll go get them.
Damn it to hell.
What?
I lost another fingernail. One,
two, three, they are all going.
If you had breastfed her longer,
she wouldn't be so jumpy now.
Is that funny? I don't
think that's funny.
What's going on, boy?
There's no way I
can get married.
Come home.
We'll talk about it.
I don't love, Stephi.
I hardly know her.
You've known her your whole
life. You grew up together.
Come on home.
Dad, I am in love with
another woman right now.
What?
Dad, I'm in her bed right now.
(LAUGHING)
Listen to me.
Don't ever tell your mother,
but on the morning
of my wedding,
I woke up in the bunk
with somebody else myself.
You did?
You think you're the first
man to have a bachelor party?
No.
Get your butt home,
boy. You have a good woman waiting for you.
Am I going to lose you?
Please...
You don't like that?
Of course I do.
I want to tell you something.
What?
I'm getting
married in five hours.
That might be a mistake.
You think?
Ah! How can I think
with you doing that?
You're not supposed to think.
Okay. Think about coming
to California with me.
California?
I can't go to California.
Trust me.
I tried that once.
Try this.
Let's go get your car.
The way I figure it,
our only problem is the woofers.
Speakers!
Dobermans. Shepards.
Four-legged-tail-waggers.
Dogs.
These aren't nice dogs.
These puppies are pissed.
So, what do we do?
The milk-boners got to be fed
before we can get that piece
of junk of yours out of there.
Meat bombs,
2.4 ounces of ground round,
with peanut butter centers.
Makes their tongues
do the Sistine Chapel.
Wait...
We just steal it?
It's yours.
The Constitution wasn't
written on an Etch A Sketch,
but every once in a while,
you have to twist the knobs a little.
What is that?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
If he missed
the wedding rehearsal,
he will miss the wedding. That's
why it's called the rehearsal!
It's a dry run!
Daddy, cool it.
Listen, young lady,
you're not the only one involved.
I have known Travis
all my life. He'll be here.
I've been an oil
man my whole life.
I know dry holes and
the sound of sucking wind.
You better call this off.
(DOGS GROWLING)
Eat shit and die, Toto.
(MIMICS BOMB FALLING)
Come on, here we go.
The jail is open, guys.
There is nothing I hate
worse than a chopped car.
Unless it's a tag team
of midget wrestlers.
What the hell is this shit?
Damn it.
You're in second.
Where's third?
Up.
Come on! All right!
If you're going to chop cars,
it ain't gonna be where I work.
This is a one-way street.
I know that!
(LAUGHS)
Go back to the shop.
What?
Watch it!
Jesus!
Shit.
There goes about a
million years of bad karma.
Kar-ma? Car-ma.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Chapman. Looks like all
your chickens came home to roost.
Help me, goddamn it,
call the police!
Why don't you call the police?
I'd love to talk to them.
Get back here!
I like the way you drive, boy.
I thought we were just
going to get my car back.
We got it.
You destroyed
the whole building.
No. We just rearranged it.
I want you to have this.
It isn't worth much.
But what is these days?
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
Listen, leave before
the cops come.
California.
I'll be in Jamaica. So long.
(INAUDIBLE)
This is insane, Bull.
That boy has gone crazy.
We should have canceled
the whole thing yesterday.
Don't look at me! I told you
to call it off three days ago.
He isn't going
to show up, is he?
No.
Do you think she can handle it?
I don't know.
Is there something
I don't know about?
No.
Did you have
a fight of some kind?
No.
What was the last
thing you talked about?
Nothing.
He kept...
I kept on talking
about the wedding.
Yeah?
And he kept
trying to talk to me.
About what?
(SIGHS)
I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, boy.
When I was eight years old,
my daddy gave me a pony.
But he was too wild to ride,
so we had to keep him
in the pasture.
I went to visit him every day,
and I fed him sugar.
I couldn't wait for the day
when my pony would settle down,
and I could ride him,
and he would really be all mine.
One day, I wasn't paying
attention to what I was doing.
And I left the gate open,
and he got away.
I never saw him again.
He never came back.
Well, it looks like I
left the gate open again.
Travis tried many times
to talk to me,
but I wasn't...
there.
So I have learned that a
wedding is not a marriage.
Please don't be
angry with Travis,
because he didn't
do anything wrong.
I wanted to give him a home,
and a family,
but I guess that is
not what he needs.
That's exactly what he needs.
I had just about
given up on you.
Sorry I'm late.
What do you think you're doing?
Marrying your daughter.
And working with my dad.
Now, you wait just a minute...
Shh...
I can't talk now.
Dad, I have been thinking...
Hit it.
(PLAYS ORGAN)
(INAUDIBLE)
He's all yours.
I like this a lot.
It's kind of neat.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here in the sight of God,
and in the face of this company
to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.
Which is an honorable state,
instituted of God,
signifying unto us, the mystical
union betwixt Christ and his Church.
Travis, will you have this
woman to be your wedded wife?
To live together under God
in the holy matrimony?
Will you love and comfort her,
in sickness and in health
and forsake all others
and be faithful to her
as long as you both shall live?
Thank you.
That sounds like goodbye.
I have to go home now.
We could have a good time.
We did.
Wait. I want to come.
To my wedding?
I've never been to one before.
You may kiss the bride.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Goodbye!
Bye-bye, baby!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Hey, don't have too much fun!
(ENGINE STARTS)
♪ Trovare
♪ Trovare
Wait, I got it!
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHING)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
PLAYING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Rogers!
Just because it's your last day don't mean
you can sit on your butt, dreaming. Work!
He ain't working.
I'm workin'.
Where's your hat?
I lost it.
Hey, last day, huh, Travis?
Last day.
Rogers!
I'm working.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Good luck to you, Travis.
Done!
(LAUGHING)
You're really going
to do it? Yeah.
You will be sorry.
I know what I'm talking about.
I've been married three times.
Kiss my butt, man.
Believe me, they change.
I've known this
girl my whole life.
Have you tried
talking to her lately?
Well, she is busy now.
(CHUCKLES)
What are you laughing
about? Too busy to talk, huh?
Ain't got quite as much time
as she used to have?
All that talking time is over now,
anyway.
She has a noose around your
neck. You are going down fast.
(SCOFFS)
(ALL CLAMORING)
What the hell?
Stephi, I have to talk to you.
He cannot see her
in her wedding gown!
Keep still!
Sorry.
Watch your feet.
Stephi... Darling,
I can't talk to you now.
(ALL CLAMORING)
You want me to go home?
No. Stay.
Flowers for Stephi Lawrence.
Put those beautiful monsters
in there. Travis, go bathe.
Someone I know?
Want a wart on her nose? No.
(ALL SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY)
MAN: Make way for the cake.
What are they doing here?
Our kitchen burned up.
WOMAN: They need a place
to ice the cake.
Stephi, talk to me!
Darling, I can't now.
Talk to me.
(GLASS BREAKING)
Damn it to hell!
Oh, my God.
What did he break?
What did he do?
Mother!
He tried to walk across
his own living room.
He broke the Venetian glass
serving plate.
My God, Bull!
Would y'all hush up?
It looks better broken.
Come here.
You choose.
You said you wanted lamb.
Chicken legs bring good luck.
Come here, boy.
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
More flowers for
Stephi Lawrence.
Do you want bows
on Travis's pumps?
He must have bows.
Bull, you're not
leaving this house.
Stephi, five minutes!
Travis, can't you see
that I am busy?
How am I supposed to paint that?
Are you having second
thoughts about this marriage, boy?
Daddy, stop that.
Looks like a touch of
buyer's remorse. What is that?
That is his earring. We have a
matched set. Travis has one, I have one.
Travis, I love you.
Father, we have to make
plans for the rehearsal.
They sent funeral flowers
over here. Call them.
The future.
I can say it in one word.
Manure.
Stephi,
did you put me with Loomis?
My goodness.
(ALL CLAMORING)
That's all right.
Manure is the future
energy source of the world.
It puts out all those gases. Methane,
ethane and all that stuff.
You and me are going
into the manure business,
and corner the market
on future energy supplies.
Get to Dallas and buy
that car you want quick,
because I want you back for
the Petroleum Club luncheon.
You miss that lunch,
and I am going to eat your nuts.
Daddy.
Bull.
Quiet. I am talking
business over here.
Come outside with me.
Are you insane? She's in her
wedding dress. You get out of here.
Son, son.
Son, the future is shit. And
you and me are in it together.
MAN: Come on, boy.
(KISSING LOUDLY) Come on.
Come on, boy.
Easy, now.
Easy, now, boy.
(NEIGHS)
Come on.
Nobody likes a noose.
Easy does it.
Son, you are 20. You are
getting married in three days.
It's normal to feel
a little frightened.
Dad, I don't know
if I'm ready for this.
You're ready.
People in California don't get
married until they are or 30 or 35.
And they get married four
or five different times, too.
Forget about California people.
How many of your friends
getting married this summer?
Seven.
You boys going to get lots of
sugar this summer. (LAUGHS)
Seems to me that city
folks keep their young,
too young for too long.
You are grown. You will have a
good job coming with Bull Lawrence.
Now, you deserve a good woman.
What else do you want to be?
A disco king?
No!
(BOTH LAUGH)
That's it. That's it. Grip him
with your knee. There you go.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
You got it.
That's great.
You sure are a good looking boy.
I just wish you
had common sense.
Mama...
Okay. All right.
Here we go, again.
I said nothing. Mom,
you know I can't work for Dad.
It would mean so much to him.
I've got too much
on my mind right now.
I don't want to work with horses.
I want to do something else!
Get off my back!
You really want to work
for Bull Lawrence?
No.
But not here either.
You don't have to live here.
That's not the point.
He loves you so much. And
you are so good with horses.
(GROANS)
Hello, Andrew.
This is Bull Lawrence.
I'm fine. Thank you.
Listen. My new son-in-law
is going into business with us.
I'm making him a partner.
I'm having a luncheon at
the Petroleum Club on Friday.
I want you to come meet him.
Are you packed yet?
I'm just going to Dallas.
You've never been there.
It's a lot different than here.
It's not like I'm moving there.
Why do you have to go there?
Why buy a hot rod?
It's not a hot rod.
I don't care. You should be
thinking about basic transportation.
Ford or Chevy.
Shut up.
Or a pick-up truck.
I don't want a truck.
How much is it?
I only need $5,000 down.
Pissing it away... I
could use it as collateral.
He did earn the money.
Now he's throwing it away.
You have a wife to take care of.
You know how Stephi needs care.
Oh, stop that.
You'll have house payments.
Now car payments, too.
What if it breaks down?
If it breaks down,
you'll be stuck with no way to get to work.
Stephi's daddy
wouldn't like that.
I don't want you asking Bull
Lawrence for money help.
I'm getting
married this Saturday.
Don't you think I'm old
enough to buy my own car?
How do I look?
Like a Mafia game show host.
She told her mom we
are going to have five kids.
Does that mean you
will finally get laid?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
(ALL LAUGH)
Listen, everybody. I've got
some important marital advice.
Fellatio.
Hush.
Doing weddings is
Walter and my business.
I know what makes a marriage last,
and what doesn't.
Stephi, listen to me.
Sorry.
We don't do divorces.
This is it. People are
always saying how
different men
and women are. Right?
(BUZZES)
Stop that! Do you want
me to just go home?
No.
I could just go home.
No. Stay.
All right. Where was
I? Men and women.
You hear that all men want is
sex. All women want is romance.
Not true. I've met women
stronger than most men.
And some men more
sensitive than any woman.
You want your marriage to last,
then remember one thing.
What?
He ain't no different than you.
(SEDUCTIVE DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING)
(LIGHTNING CRACKING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Stephi!
Shh! Quiet.
What do you want?
You.
Go around. Now!
Sweetie, when are
you going to grow up?
Now we are going to talk.
About us.
Us? Travis,
I know what the matter with you is.
You have male
prenuptial anxiety attack.
What?
I read about it in Modern
Bride. It will go away.
Let me come up there.
If I haven't let you up here in 15 years,
I am not starting tonight.
Then come down here to me.
Honey, go to bed.
Stephi, I need you.
Oh, honey,
you are just feeling horny.
You'll have me in three
days. Can't you wait?
Stephi!
(LAUGHS)
You are so cute.
I love you.
(MUMBLES) I love you.
Travis, I love you.
Love you, too.
Travis Rogers, please!
I love you!
So, what's the trouble, bubble?
I don't know you, Stephi.
Travis, you've known me
your whole life.
Travis, have you been drinking?
Yeah.
I knew it.
You did?
Yes, I did.
How did you know?
I know you better than
anybody in the whole world.
You do?
Yes, I do.
Travis, you go to bed.
Good boy.
Stephi.
I need this car.
Then go buy it.
Travis.
We're going to get married.
(ORGAN PLAYING)
You may kiss the bride.
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
What's this?
A money belt.
I have a wallet.
They have pickpockets.
Who are they?
Where is Stephi? I thought
she was going to be here.
Wait. Take this. I have put
a couple quarters n there.
Call us if you need anything.
There's some seltzer tablets
and Dr. Phelp's phone number.
Mom, these aren't quarters.
I put a mini-fold raincoat
in there. You never know.
Mom, I'm not going to hell.
I have a schedule
to make, folks.
Get a receipt, Son.
Call us when you get there.
Travis!
I love you!
Joining the service?
No. I'm buying a car.
When do we get there?
You bought a seat.
Sit in it.
No, I like this.
Pick one.
Whoo! We're moving now.
I'm Travis Rogers.
Frank.
I thought I was never
going to get out of this town.
Where you going,
Dorothy? Oz?
No. I'm going to Dallas.
(CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't afford this car.
Travis, no.
Stephi, listen to me.
Travis,
I can't listen to you. I'm too busy.
Stephi, we are going
to buy this car.
Travis,
that is a Lambor-Jeanie. Ghini!
It's an imitation Lamborghini.
It's a fake. Probably
will blow up. Fine.
Goodbye.
Bye, honey.
Trust me. I know
what I'm talking about.
This car is not as
expensive as it looks.
I'm going to buy the
bare model. No extra frills.
And I know all about salesmen.
You've got high-end, low-end,
you got bluebook price.
I'm going to make a deal
that nobody will believe.
Travis, I know you.
You look at that car
and your mouth drops open.
Some bonehead salesman
will make you his friend.
You want to buy
every option and...
I don't want to spend my life
living in a trailer eating tuna
fish just to pay for some car!
Stephi, I know how to handle
a bonehead salesman.
Pretty, isn't she?
Yes. She is a beauty.
She runs like a scalded dog.
Let me get one of my
salespeople to help you.
Jonni!
Well, I guess we know
what we want. Right?
I mean, some guys really aren't
sure. But you don't look like that.
Jonni Tigersmith,
sales. But don't hold that against me.
(STAMMERS)
Uh, Travis Rogers.
Come on.
You will love this.
She is available
with four or six turbos.
Or no turbo.
All kinds of roofs.
Lots of hot colors. Midnight blue.
Bonzai black. Fire and ice red.
It's unbelievable. It is still more
car than I planned on, though.
It's just that I
only have $19,000.
With $5,000 down to start.
That's it.
Money isn't a problem. We
have a creative financing plan.
I like you.
My boss owes me a favor. I'll
try and get you a special deal.
You mean we're going to
make a deal here? Now?
We'll talk about money later.
Let's go for a test drive.
(ENGINE FIRING UP)
God, these things are tight.
Travis, watch the road
while you're driving.
I don't usually do this.
My boss would kill me.
But why don't we go out on the
freeway? Get a look at her legs?
Coming?
Travis, don't get sucked in.
I will not get sucked in.
No options!
I don't want any options.
No mag wheels. No 6-liter engine.
Want a radio? Can't have one.
Travis, we can't afford this
car if you buy one option.
JONNI: This is
the Options Room.
You probably want alloy wheels.
Or mag wheels?
Yeah.
This means yes.
Yes. Si.
Do it.
Ha! All right!
You have to have
an engine, tiger.
A 6-liter?
Sure.
Now, just go crazy.
Take whatever you want.
It's all yours.
All right.
(MUTTERING)
It's nice.
(LAUGHS WILDLY)
(ALL CLAMORING)
Are you two getting a
kickback on all this stuff?
No more Wedgewood. Do
you want Titian or Oxblood?
Titian.
Chrome carburetor.
Pearl-handled gear shift lever.
Extended warranty?
That's it.
Happy?
Yes, I am.
Let me talk to my boss
and see if I can make a deal.
Jonni? Fight for me.
That's why they
call me the "Tiger."
That's why. Hmm.
Jewelry.
We need earrings.
She'll wear her
grandmother's earrings.
I will not.
Those things are ugly.
Has he got a trade-in?
JONNI: No. It's his first car.
Did you get him on the options?
He practically
broke the computer.
Take his $5,000 and get him on
the monthlies. He is watching us now.
I'll be back.
I have to go hand
somebody his dick.
He wouldn't go for it.
Was it fire and ice red
you wanted?
I got it?
(CHEERS)
Stephi? I got it.
Travis, what are you
doing still in Dallas?
Dallas?
Quiet!
Travis, talk to me.
You won't believe this car.
I don't care.
What are you doing?
You listen. I spend
$120,000 on a car,
and I expect it to start.
Do I look like I
gave birth to the car?
Get me the manager.
You need major surgery to get
management away from their lunch.
You go find me one of
them dipshits right now,
or I'll yank them into court and
have their heads circumcised.
Travis, are you listening to me?
Yeah.
I would pay to see that.
Travis, the rehearsal dinner is in
three hours. Get back here now.
Excuse me. I have to wait
an hour for my car to be ready.
Is there any place to eat?
The Burrito Emporium across
the street. Nice people there, too.
MAN: Woman, let me cook.
I will cook for you. You
don't want my brother to cook.
Okay.
If she is going to cook,
run away fast.
Do you want a Torpedo Burrito
or the Tijuana Torpedo?
Don't do it, man.
I'll have
the Tijuana Torpedo burrito.
You are crazy, man.
Shut up!
Do you want more?
I can't eat anymore.
Six is enough.
You are going to die, man.
Have one more. Please?
Don't do it.
I have to get my car now.
What's the damage?
Your colon.
There you are.
I thought I lost you.
Whoa!
This is our 800 number.
My home number is on the back.
Call me if anything goes wrong.
Your home phone number?
Go run dry.
First mile is for you.
I can't believe this!
(ENGINE FIRES UP)
Ruff, ruff.
Well, Dad,
I guess your fears were unfounded. Right?
Unfounded. (CHANGES VOICE)
I knew you could do it, son.
Thank you, Mr. President.
No, Travis. Because of that,
we want you to be Secretary of the World.
Thank you.
The first thing on the agenda
is to turn up the music
as loud as possible.
(ROCK MUSIC BLARING)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
What's up?
I love your car.
Thank you.
Thank you, God.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Yes!
♪ Weapons of love
♪ Hurting me
♪ Weapons of love
♪ Killing me
(TIRES SQUEAL)
(SCREAMS IN PAIN)
(MUSIC SPEEDS UP)
My tape! What is
the matter with this?
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Stephi, this is serious.
I feel it.
I can tell he will be late
to the rehearsal dinner.
Travis will be here.
Within seconds
he will be
arriving in the driveway.
(TRANSMISSION GRINDING)
My bones have never
lied. They're lying now.
We have got
a major problem here.
Relax. Travis will be here.
How are you so sure?
I know. Because I have him
wrapped around my finger.
I thought you wanted a wedding
ring wrapped around your finger?
No, Dee Dee. Wedding ring
goes around the fourth finger.
Husband goes around the pinkie.
(ALL LAUGH)
(MAN SPEAKING
FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Goddamned car!
Damned car!
(GIGGLING)
"Within seconds Travis will
be arriving in the driveway."
"Wrapped around
her little finger."
Blow it out your ass,
Dee Dee. (GASPS) Trash mouth.
Stephi, your daddy says
we have to leave now.
Mr. Rogers? It's raining like
a cow pissing on a flat rock.
Tonight I have a good place to
keep it. This car is very hard to tow.
Are you sure it
should hang like this?
Body is made of plastic,
like a Barbie Doll.
Even as we speak,
Travis is in our beautiful new car,
flying home to me,
like Romeo to Juliet. That's me.
Could you slow down? My whole
life is spinning around back there.
Ah! Help!
Mr. Rogers, relax.
It's not going anywhere.
Would you get it down?
You do your job.
I will do mine.
Your car is perfectly safe.
You're sure?
Go home.
I can't go home.
Why not?
Is there a motel or
something around here?
You are from out of town.
Hotel, two blocks that
direction. You will be fine.
However, I would walk very
quickly and don't speak to anyone.
Where is he?
He will be here, honey.
My husband is going to miss
my rehearsal dinner.
Rehearsal dinner?
It's more like a coronation.
If there is no wedding,
we still get paid.
Excuse me, sir.
Do you have any rooms?
Sir?
(RINGS BELL)
Hello?
Hello? Any rooms?
Hey, dumb ass!
What are you doing?
You got any rooms?
This is it. It used to be
the elevator engine room.
We call it
The Top of the Shaft suite.
Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Jonni.
Please be home, Jonni.
Chicken, Chicken.
Can I help you?
Chicken, Chicken?
How many pieces would you like?
Oh, no.
We lost one more.
Here he is!
I got him. Here he is!
He's on the telephone!
Are you hurt, angel?
No, I'm fine.
Then you're dead.
Stephi, are you alone? There's
something I have to tell you.
(CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY)
This better be good.
Well, I'm still in Dallas.
(SHRIEKS)
I'm having a small problem
with the car.
What kind of small problem?
Needs a minor readjustment.
Are you sure it's not us that
needs a minor readjustment?
Stephi...
Now, Travis. You would tell me if
something was the matter, right?
Honey, nothing is the matter.
Then promise me you will be
at Daddy's luncheon tomorrow.
I promise.
Even if I have to take a bus.
Travis...
Travis...
Honey...
What?
Remember when you carved
our two hearts in that oak tree?
Uh-huh.
Well, Travis, just think.
In exactly 46 hours and 57 minutes,
those two hearts will be as one.
Uh, Stephi, I have got to go.
Travis!
Travis! Travis!
Travis! Shit.
I love you too, angel.
Uh-oh.
Where am I?
What's the trouble, bubble?
Stephi, where am I?
We are in your tummy, honey.
My stomach?
Honey,
what have you been eating?
Tijuana Torpedos.
You are going to die, man.
I've never seen you like this.
Coochie-Coo.
(LAUGHS)
Stop it!
Oh, Travis, I love you, angel.
Oh, no! Travis?
Travis!
Wait. I'm coming.
Stephi, I'm coming.
Help me!
Travis, marry me.
No! No!
Marry me!
Travis, Marry me!
Come back. I'm sorry.
Stephi!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
I must have misdialed.
Jonni wouldn't do that to me.
Wrong number.
Where's that card?
Jonni Tigersmith's home.
555-2782.
Panic over nothing.
Chicken, Chicken.
(GROANS)
Say what? Man,
do you want to order a chicken or not?
I think he
already had his chicken.
Did he like it?
(HEAVING ON SPEAKER)
That's the man who was here.
When are you going
to learn how to cook?
That was our first customer.
Listen to that man.
What will he say about us?
Shut up.
I'm sorry about the way that chicken
made you feel. It's our first day.
Don't say that!
And I think he knows it.
Where is Jonni Tigersmith?
Open the door.
What is your problem?
Where's Jonni?
Jonni is gone.
I've heard that before.
Where is she?
Whatever she told you,
she told me worse.
What?
I mean, however she screwed you,
she screwed me worse. Understand?
No.
The bitch left last night
with two months advance pay
and 25 guys like
you howling at me.
No.
That's right. Women.
(CHUCKLES)
My father told me not to
do this. I was miles from here
and the seats move forward,
the sunroof chops off my hand,
the stereo starts
vomiting my tapes out.
I'm having a good time,
the car falls apart.
Well,
it's not supposed to do that. It did.
She said you would help.
She shouldn't have.
Well, she shouldn't have.
Gentlemen, the beautiful
part of this process
is there is an unlimited
supply of raw material.
There's one thing we Texans
will always produce,
and that is manure.
Even if we all suddenly
turned into vegetarians.
We can always stay
on top of the pile.
Gentlemen, there is
no negative side to this.
The only thing we ever
have to fear is constipation.
(ALL LAUGH)
I was hoping to introduce
my new son-in-law,
Travis Rogers,
but the little bastard didn't show up.
So instead I, Stephi Lawrence,
will be speaking in his place.
You boys are probably tired of listening
to my daddy. I'll tell you something.
Stereo replacement for
the Macro-acoustic is $360.
Covered by the warranty?
No.
All told, I would say your
repair costs are about $3,200.
Did I mention the labor cost?
That's extra.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Welcome, my friend,
to the exciting 800 number
of the world of Trovare.
My name is Guiseppe Roma,
your pre-recorded problem solver
in the wonderful
world of Trovare.
As you know, your Trovare is
the finest in modern transpiration,
designed by master
auto builders in Europe.
It doesn't work, Guiseppe.
But sometimes,
even perfection can go wrong.
If you believe the challenge you
are experiencing is the engine,
press number one on
the telephone dial.
If it is the transmission,
press number two.
Brakes, number three.
And if you don't
know what is wrong,
in the whole world,
press number four.
Uh-oh.
And please allow Guiseppe
to tell you how wise you were
to purchase
the extended warranty.
I didn't buy it.
Because, my friend, Guiseppe can
only help you if you have the warranty.
If you have the factory-only warranty,
I am very sad.
Because now we must say ciao.
(SCREAMING)
Mayday!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Get him!
You! I want my money back!
You bastard!
Get out of here.
I tried to be nice.
What good does it
do to be a nice guy?
Back to work, boys.
Curious how many cars have broke
down since you took over this place.
I guess that's why you're here,
to fix them.
I can't fix a 1957 Chevrolet
carburetor in a two-day-old Trovare.
Listen, I sell the cars.
You keep them running.
Or you can get out.
One call from me
and you'll be in San Quentin,
praying you don't drop the soap.
That's it!
You're fired, buddy!
I don't give a shit, dickhead.
Get out of here now. You
hear me? Grease monkey!
You been chopping my cars?
And you're next.
One way to Wyeth.
The bus leaves at 8:06.
You have five hours to waste.
That's okay.
I've wasted my whole life.
I'm sorry.
I'm going too fast.
Ooh.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(MUTTERING INDISCERNIBLY)
Jesus!
Kamikaze.
You don't need another drink.
I don't need
another psychiatrist.
Yes, ma'am.
Hey, auto pusher.
Come here.
Get away from my face.
Hey, boys, here's the little
lady who sold me that car.
Why don't you leave her alone?
Take her out of here.
Who, me?
Yeah, you.
Don't you touch me.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Get my car back.
I can't. I got fired.
♪ Come and get your girl and go
♪ Zydeco down Dallas alley
♪ I know you've been here before
♪ Come on down to Zydeco
The car I sold you is
not the car you got.
You sold me a turkey.
A work of art.
The car blew up.
♪ Zydeco
He's run away
with another woman.
You can't wear your
wedding dress to the rehearsal.
I paid for it.
Let her wear it.
He's been gone two days.
The rehearsal is in an hour.
He hasn't called.
He is out with some slut!
This whole thing
is turning to shit.
♪ Zydeco down Dallas alley
♪ Zydeco
♪ At the place
where the kids are hip
♪ Get your feet down
on the floor
♪ All right, everyone,
here's a tip
♪ On the Dallas Zydeco
♪ I know Zydeco
I told you it was bad luck.
I told you not to wear your
wedding gown to the rehearsal.
But you do what you want,
because you like wearing it.
Now look.
Got him right here!
Travis, where the hell are you?
I'm running a little late.
Late?
I am standing at the altar.
Stephi, calm down.
It's just a rehearsal.
It's my wedding rehearsal
and the groom isn't even here.
What is that music I hear?
Stephi, I will be there.
You listen good, boy. You get
your butt back here right away,
or this wedding is tits up.
I love you too, honey.
Excuse me.
What was that all about?
My bride is waiting
for me at the altar.
I guess I will be
your bachelor party.
(SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPS)
Daytime!
Would you sit down?
Nope.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Is that Travis?
Dad? I have to talk to you.
Hello, Leon.
Yes, I have the grain reports.
They are in the back room.
I'll go get them.
Damn it to hell.
What?
I lost another fingernail. One,
two, three, they are all going.
If you had breastfed her longer,
she wouldn't be so jumpy now.
Is that funny? I don't
think that's funny.
What's going on, boy?
There's no way I
can get married.
Come home.
We'll talk about it.
I don't love, Stephi.
I hardly know her.
You've known her your whole
life. You grew up together.
Come on home.
Dad, I am in love with
another woman right now.
What?
Dad, I'm in her bed right now.
(LAUGHING)
Listen to me.
Don't ever tell your mother,
but on the morning
of my wedding,
I woke up in the bunk
with somebody else myself.
You did?
You think you're the first
man to have a bachelor party?
No.
Get your butt home,
boy. You have a good woman waiting for you.
Am I going to lose you?
Please...
You don't like that?
Of course I do.
I want to tell you something.
What?
I'm getting
married in five hours.
That might be a mistake.
You think?
Ah! How can I think
with you doing that?
You're not supposed to think.
Okay. Think about coming
to California with me.
California?
I can't go to California.
Trust me.
I tried that once.
Try this.
Let's go get your car.
The way I figure it,
our only problem is the woofers.
Speakers!
Dobermans. Shepards.
Four-legged-tail-waggers.
Dogs.
These aren't nice dogs.
These puppies are pissed.
So, what do we do?
The milk-boners got to be fed
before we can get that piece
of junk of yours out of there.
Meat bombs,
2.4 ounces of ground round,
with peanut butter centers.
Makes their tongues
do the Sistine Chapel.
Wait...
We just steal it?
It's yours.
The Constitution wasn't
written on an Etch A Sketch,
but every once in a while,
you have to twist the knobs a little.
What is that?
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
If he missed
the wedding rehearsal,
he will miss the wedding. That's
why it's called the rehearsal!
It's a dry run!
Daddy, cool it.
Listen, young lady,
you're not the only one involved.
I have known Travis
all my life. He'll be here.
I've been an oil
man my whole life.
I know dry holes and
the sound of sucking wind.
You better call this off.
(DOGS GROWLING)
Eat shit and die, Toto.
(MIMICS BOMB FALLING)
Come on, here we go.
The jail is open, guys.
There is nothing I hate
worse than a chopped car.
Unless it's a tag team
of midget wrestlers.
What the hell is this shit?
Damn it.
You're in second.
Where's third?
Up.
Come on! All right!
If you're going to chop cars,
it ain't gonna be where I work.
This is a one-way street.
I know that!
(LAUGHS)
Go back to the shop.
What?
Watch it!
Jesus!
Shit.
There goes about a
million years of bad karma.
Kar-ma? Car-ma.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Chapman. Looks like all
your chickens came home to roost.
Help me, goddamn it,
call the police!
Why don't you call the police?
I'd love to talk to them.
Get back here!
I like the way you drive, boy.
I thought we were just
going to get my car back.
We got it.
You destroyed
the whole building.
No. We just rearranged it.
I want you to have this.
It isn't worth much.
But what is these days?
(SIRENS APPROACHING)
Listen, leave before
the cops come.
California.
I'll be in Jamaica. So long.
(INAUDIBLE)
This is insane, Bull.
That boy has gone crazy.
We should have canceled
the whole thing yesterday.
Don't look at me! I told you
to call it off three days ago.
He isn't going
to show up, is he?
No.
Do you think she can handle it?
I don't know.
Is there something
I don't know about?
No.
Did you have
a fight of some kind?
No.
What was the last
thing you talked about?
Nothing.
He kept...
I kept on talking
about the wedding.
Yeah?
And he kept
trying to talk to me.
About what?
(SIGHS)
I don't know.
I wasn't listening.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, boy.
When I was eight years old,
my daddy gave me a pony.
But he was too wild to ride,
so we had to keep him
in the pasture.
I went to visit him every day,
and I fed him sugar.
I couldn't wait for the day
when my pony would settle down,
and I could ride him,
and he would really be all mine.
One day, I wasn't paying
attention to what I was doing.
And I left the gate open,
and he got away.
I never saw him again.
He never came back.
Well, it looks like I
left the gate open again.
Travis tried many times
to talk to me,
but I wasn't...
there.
So I have learned that a
wedding is not a marriage.
Please don't be
angry with Travis,
because he didn't
do anything wrong.
I wanted to give him a home,
and a family,
but I guess that is
not what he needs.
That's exactly what he needs.
I had just about
given up on you.
Sorry I'm late.
What do you think you're doing?
Marrying your daughter.
And working with my dad.
Now, you wait just a minute...
Shh...
I can't talk now.
Dad, I have been thinking...
Hit it.
(PLAYS ORGAN)
(INAUDIBLE)
He's all yours.
I like this a lot.
It's kind of neat.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here in the sight of God,
and in the face of this company
to join together this man and
this woman in holy matrimony.
Which is an honorable state,
instituted of God,
signifying unto us, the mystical
union betwixt Christ and his Church.
Travis, will you have this
woman to be your wedded wife?
To live together under God
in the holy matrimony?
Will you love and comfort her,
in sickness and in health
and forsake all others
and be faithful to her
as long as you both shall live?
Thank you.
That sounds like goodbye.
I have to go home now.
We could have a good time.
We did.
Wait. I want to come.
To my wedding?
I've never been to one before.
You may kiss the bride.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Goodbye!
Bye-bye, baby!
(ALL CLAMORING)
Hey, don't have too much fun!
(ENGINE STARTS)
♪ Trovare
♪ Trovare
Wait, I got it!
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHING)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)