Is Anybody There? (2008) - full transcript

( Taps glass )

I'd just like to say,

thank you all for being here

for our first year.

All of our lovely residents
all looking so smart.

And for choosing us here
at Lark Hall.

And for having a bit
of faith in us.

And Merry Christmas.

All:
Merry Christmas.

( All chatting )

- Cheers.
- And a happy New Year!



( pops )

"When a man grows old

and his balls grow cold

and the tip of his
prick turns blue...

When it bends in the middle

like a one-stringed fiddle

he can tell us
a tale or two."

What did Father Christmas bring?

I don't believe in him.

I shan't see another Christmas.

Mind you, if I was like her,

I'd shove my head in a gas oven.

( Toots )

( breathes weakly )



( mimics breathing )

( stops breathing )

Mommy!

Mom!

- ( Mews )
- What? I'm busy!

- ( urinating )
- Ugh.

Arnold's dead.

- Oops!
- Try and be careful.

Can I have my room back,
now Arnold's dead?

- Get in there.
- No.

But you get his sleeping bag
when he's finished with it.

- ( laughs )
- Can we have a bit of respect, please?

Don't go in that room, Eddie.

( Door creaks )

Man:
Go on then.

Man ♪2: You bloody lift him,
you idle monkey.

I'm not Daley shitting Thompson.

All right.
Keep your hair on.

Set?

( Audio rewinding )

Dad:
I read in "the Daily Express"

90% of small businesses go
down the tubes apparently.

In the first year.

I should stop you
reading that paper.

Bloke in Scarborough hung himself
in his sporting goods shop.

But people don't
need sporting goods.

They're always gonna
get old, aren't they?

It's just teething
troubles, Steve.

Kiss kiss.

( Audio rewinding )

( breathing weakly )

( breathing over earphones )

( wind howling )

- ( horn blares )
- ( tires screech )

( crashes )

What do you think
you're playing at?

I could've killed you.

Oi, come here!

...And on Boxing Day we went
to top of of Skidby Windmill

and I got badge.

No, you got a badge.

Edward.

On Christmas day,
Arnold Doughty, 90,

went blue and died.

So far there has been no
communication from him.

( Class laughs )

What a plonker.

Clarence: I think I made a
mistake, all right?

Just give it a day, please.

No, I'm fine, thank you.

But we've just moved
all that in.

Well, I'm moving
it back out again.

All right?
It's my things, isn't it?

Who is he?

Some gaga old fart
social services have sent.

Lost his wife.

Lives in a camper van.
Like Popeye.

Clarence, we can get
your stuff just how you like.

You can take
as long as you want.

That's not a word.

Yes, it is.
Taxi.

You're not playing properly.

Remember your
first day at school?

It's a bit like that, isn't it?

Yeah, it is a bit like that.

The first night's
the worst, buddy.

Oh!

I went as mad as her the
first couple of nights.

Be quiet.
Otherwise the war will start again.

Clarence: A lot of jabbering
simpletons rushing about,

wetting themselves.

People you don't know
telling you what to do.

- I'm off.
- Hey.

Just give it a go.

This is temporary.

This is only temporary.

Okay.

Why doesn't she let him go
if he wants to go?

She should do.

Then I can move back
into me old room.

You can move back
into your old room

if you can pay us
50 quid a week.

Announcer:
Tonight, haunted houses,

ghost hunting and the search
for life after death.

The most famous ghost hunters
and their most famous cases.

And we are...

Lilian, your daughter
is on the phone.

Mavis?
Really?

Mavis.
( laughing )

Did a ghost leave
these chilling messages

asking for prayer...

Wonder what you think are the
chances of who's going to win.

I wouldn't really like to
predict that at all, Phil.

What do you want ringing
wastefully from Canada, Mavis,

When a stamp
costs hardly nothing?

Mum, I want to watch

"Arthur C. Clarke."
mum!

I've been meaning to ask what
you wanted doing with those.

Well, Clarence wants to
watch "one man and his dog."

He's the one who's paying.
You're a naughty girl.

It's about ghosts!

We're all naughty girls.

- ( Clangs )
- Oh, ball bearings!

I wouldn't mind being
alone with that one

in a one in a long
dark railway tunnel.

Can I get my wages, Kath?

Oh, sorry.
Yeah.

Mum, it's very important.

It's about recording ghosts.

It's a ghost-hunter saying what
he does when he wants to hunt them.

Steve, come here.

I think you want to say is,
"darling, would you mind

Coming here
if you're not too busy."

That's what I said. Why can't
you watch the TV upstairs?

No, you ordered me
to come in there.

The TV upstairs is haunted.

Why don't you do it then?

Please, darling.

Because I came in there
last time, dearest.

Doesn't matter. And you didn't
come over here last time.

- Yes I did.
- Why don't you listen?

Sorry, love.

Will you sort out
the TV for him?

Ena, you've just pitched all
these knives and forks again!

Yes, sir.

Arnold's ghost must have
gotten into it when he died.

Arnold's ghost would
have better things to do

than hanging around in a telly.

There, ghosts.
You happy?

...Thermometer to detect sudden
fluctuations in temperature.

And strange as it might seem,

one might consider
bringing a dog or a cat

as animals seem to react
to supernatural activity.

Animals also provide
much needed company.

Announcer: Price's methods were
thorough and no-nonsense.

Like many scientists
of his generation,

He believed it was only
a matter of time...

What do you think happens
when you die, Dad?

Can't imagine
it's all that different.

...A thermometer for
checking cold spots,

A dog or cat allowed
to roam freely.

But most of all, it is imperative
for a successful investigation

that the entire building
be cleared of inhabitants

to allow the ghost hunter to
work in controlled conditions

and without interruptions.

( breathing )

( coughs )

( exhales )

Bastards.

Hello, pigeon.

Are you a magician?

No.

I'm a retired flasher.

This used to be my room

until Arnold came.

Who's he when he's at home?

He's not anybody now.
He's dead.

He died in that bed.

If you see anything
supernatural,

Do you think you can inform me?

Do you think you can bugger off?

( Grunts )

Clive:
Quack quack.

Quack quack.

Quack quack.

Ahh.

( Mumbles )

- What?
- One out.

Give me my ball back.

( Pots clatter )

( mumbling )

Come here.

You...

Come here while I kick you.

You think they sent
me here to be abused?

Get stuffed!

( Grunts )

This is my house!

( Sobbing )

( knocks )

Big hand's at six,
little hand's at eight, Eddie.

( Alarm ringing )

( beeping )

Get out.
Clear off.

- Come here, Ena love.
- Prudence, come on.

Never mind making
a break for freedom.

( Howls )

Radio:
Right, all clear.

It's a false one.

They are real people, you know?
They are not toys.

They were little boys
and girls as well once.

I don't want to live here!

I want things to be
like they were!

I want my room back!

Mark my words,
by the time he's 13

he'll be sniffing glue
out of a plastic bag.

Thanks, Lilian.

What did you want
to say, Edward?

What do you want to say?

( Blows raspberry )

Oh, where are you off
to with a grump on?

Go on, get yourself
off to school.

Tell Mr. Kelly you had
to go to the dentist.

Idiots.

Cow.

Wankerer.

( Engine idling )

Mummy!

Dad!

Easy way out.

A coward's way out.

It was just a cry for help.
That's all.

Classic.

A what?

Never mind, big ears.

Don't say that's all, Steve.

How could we have let him
get to that? Poor fellow.

We'll have to cheer
this place up a bit.

I'm very sorry for smacking you.

You all right?

Come here.

You're very fortunate, you know.

I never met my grandparents.

And my mummy and daddy

Are too far away
for us to see them much.

You've got all these
old people around

with all these amazing stories.

It's a privilege.

At least I think it is.

Do you?

Mmm.

Don't be scared of death, love.

It's all right to be sad.

There's no point being scared.

I'm not scared.

I just want to know
what happens.

Woman over P.A.: Doctor Singh
to Samuel Bailey Ward.

Doctor Singh
to Samuel Bailey Ward.

( clatters )

- Nurse!
- Thought you might want your stuff.

Draw that curtain around.

And give me my left shoe.

- Did you want one?
- No.

Ta.

( Footsteps approaching )

Sorry for setting
the fire bell off.

Sorry I put a lot of talcum
on the floor in there.

Sorry for not saying
sorry when you ran me over.

And that time
I chucked dirt on your head.

That's an awful lot
of things to be sorry for

at such a young age.

Sorry.

Are you a magician?

I gave it up.

Why don't you start again?

Do me a favour.

When you...

Did...

Did you see any kind
of bright white light?

Or a tunnel with Jesus
at the end?

As a matter of fact, I did.

And then this cross-eyed
little Herbert turned up

and yanked me back out.

That's what you should
be saying sorry for.

♪ That certain night ♪

♪ The night we met ♪

♪ There was magic ♪

♪ Abroad ♪

♪ In the air ♪

♪ There were angels dining ♪

♪ At the Ritz ♪

♪ And the Nightingale sang ♪

♪ In Berkeley square. ♪

Can someone inform me what the
hell you think you're playing at?

I'm stuck up here on my own

with nothing to keep
my trousers up with.

Welcome home.

You know, if I want
to top myself,

I could jump out the window.

( Door shuts )

Bugger off.

Man on TV:
Sylvia, please.

Sylvia: There must be
some way we can find.

( popping )

They say that love
will find a way always.

Man: I don't deserve
love, Sylvia.

What I deserve are these
crippled legs at best.

The chance to reflect
on what I've done.

( snoring )

( sobbing quietly )

( floorboards creak )

( chuckles )

Oh, forget it.

How much did that cost?

You can't put a price on
looking good, chuckle-bum.

How much is looking stupid?

Nice do, Stevie.

( Tapes clatter )

You ought to watch
where you're going.

This your grand passion?

Yeah.
But I'm not supposed to.

They're all pictures of ghosts.

When I took that
there was no one there.

Apart from that bloke.

( Man yelling )

Wait a minute.
Come here, come here.

- What?
- It's okay.

- What's his problem?
- Who?

Flash Gordon.

- He was in a war.
- Oh.

What about the others?

Lilian's a bit miserable.

She trumps a lot.
Reg gets drunk.

Elsie used to be a dancing teacher
but now she's got a plastic leg.

Prudence tears up toilet paper.

Ena thinks she's still
the king's housemaid

and she can't stop
stealing stuff.

Clive's had a stroke

so the only thing he
can say is one out.

Rage.

Rage against the dying
of the light.

( Upbeat music playing )

♪ the wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

♪ Round and round,
round and round ♪

♪ He wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪

♪ All day long... ♪

Ena: They do go round
and round, don't they?

♪ The dogs on the bus
go woof woof woof ♪

♪ Woof woof woof,
woof woof woof ♪

♪ the dogs on the bus
go woof woof woof... ♪

Jesus Christ almighty.

All day long.

♪ The babies on the bus
go wa wa wa ♪

♪ Wa wa wa,
wa wa wa... ♪

I can't put the two
things together.

Lived on my own...

Well, not by myself...
And the missus.

You live on your own
all your life

and then they think
it's a great idea

to shove you together
with a load of strangers.

And what do the mummies
on the bus say?

- Anyone?
- Screw this, if they've got any sense.

- Is everybody all right?
- Ena: Yes, thank you.

Nice to see you, Clarence.

♪ Mummies on the bus
say hush hush hush ♪

- ♪ Hush hush hush, hush hush hush... ♪
- Oh God.

I know somewhere
that would cheer you up.

Clarence:
You've got to be bleeding kidding.

Edward: Have one of your beers.
I want to show you something.

Are you interested in ghosts?

No, not in the slightest.

- I am.
- So I've gathered.

I'm trying to catch one on tape.

Where you going?

There's nothing in it, you know.
It's all a load of bollocks.

- No it's not.
- It is.

"Samuel Peet,

not dead,
only sleeping."

He's gonna be pissed off
when he wakes up.

This is gonna
bring my piles down.

I need a coin.

Now we have to dance
around it 100 times.

The hand comes up and you
can ask it questions.

Come on.

One.

Two.

98.

- What's happening?
- Nothing much.

99.

100.

( Wind blows )

Edward: I mean, there's lots of
different ways to contact them.

Séances and Ouija boards.

You can stand in front
of a mirror, right,

and say someone's name
again and again and again

and then they'll appear.

Does this apply to anyone?

No, they have to be dead.

Is that your wife?

She looks like dame Edna.

Shut up.

And now it's good night from me.

And it's good night from him.
Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night!

Good night, sweet ladies.

Thanks for the mystery tour.

I'm not that bothered
in the future.

My name is Edward.

Mine's Clarence.

Prudence:
Good night!

Reg:
I can't see the telly.

♪ Simply because
you're near me ♪

♪ funny, but when
you're near me ♪

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ heaven is in your eyes ♪

♪ bright as the stars
we're under ♪

♪ oh, is it any wonder ♪

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ why stop to think of whether ♪

♪ this little dream
might fade? ♪

♪ We put our hearts together ♪

♪ now we are one ♪

♪ I'm not afraid ♪

♪ if there's a cloud above ♪

♪ if it should rain,
we'll let it... ♪

( music continues )

Annie.

Annie.

Annie?

Annie.

Annie.

Annie.

Annie.

Annie.

Annie.

Tanya:
Right, I'm knocking off.

That's a good idea.

- I'm off down the ship.
- Oh.

- Mind if I get changed in here?
- In, uh...

You see "top of the pops"
last night?

Oh no, I don't watch it.

Who was on?

No, I don't watch it neither.

No.

You still with Mike or...

Oh no, I packed him in.

I mean, we're both
going away soon.

University?

That's it.

Wish I'd gone sometimes.

Failed my geography a level.

Didn't realize there was another
question on the back of the page.

Finished half an hour
before everybody else

and I'm sitting there thinking,
"God, they're all bloody slow."

( laughs )

Do you want a lift or anything?

Uh, yeah.
If you like.

Good. I'll just
get me jacket on.

Oh, you smell like a tart's window
box, Steve. What have you got on?

Oh, just something I were
bought for Christmas.

( Breathing weakly )

This is what I've got to
look forward to, is it?

Can't you find something
more constructive to do?

Learn a skill.

I only want to know
what happens.

What happens is

is you think the last thought

you're ever going to think.

And then whatever it was
that used to be you

just goes.

Christ, it would be lovely.

I've got lots of things
I'd like to say.

But the curtain has
come down, unfortunately.

That's horrible.

It can't just be black.

Don't take the piss.
It can't just be black.

You waiting for someone?

- Yes.
- ( bell rings )

A little lad.

Your grandson, is it?

No.

Just a little lad.

( Children chattering )

Gaylord.

You don't have
to come and get me.

Don't you want a game?

It's nice weather for one.

I don't like football.

I was wondering

if you might accompany me

on an expedition.

Dad:
Two fat ladies... 88.

The bulb's broken.

Doesn't matter.

The darker the better.

Now, for those of you

who have never before
sat in a séance,

there is absolutely nothing

to be fearful of.

Ghosts are very friendly sorts.

They like a nice chin wag.

But they're very scared
of loud noises

and sudden movements.

Which is the reason why

they are very rarely
to be sighted

in discos and wrestling
matches, for example.

You shouldn't joke.
It'll make them vengeful.

Spirits, please accept

my mortal apologies.

Now...

Who are we hoping
to contact tonight?

Anyone.

Okay, we'll try for anyone.

Is there anybody there?

Is there anybody there?

- Is there anybody there?
- ( bangs )

- Is someone in here?
- ( bangs )

- Who is it?
- Arnold?

( Bangs twice )

- Someone else?
- ( bangs )

Who?

It's yes or no questions only,
I think.

Is there life after death?

( Bangs )

- What's it like?
- Is it nice?

( Bangs )

Are there any ghosts
in this house?

- ( Rattles )
- ( gasps )

Are there any nice
ghosts in this house

that don't want to scare anyone

or cause any bother or nothing?

( Bangs )

There.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ happy birthday, dear Edward ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Good morning.

Morning.

- Do you like it?
- Yeah.

( Motorcycle running )

Thanks.

I'm going to have a shave.

Can I have a kiss, please?

Thank you.

It's a special
and glorious day today.

Yeah.

Canada's a country.

And my big God-bothering
girl Mavis

is coming from there
to see me today

With her husband who's
got a plate in his head.

Course she's not a girl now,
little man.

She's 66 years old.

I'm 11.

Well, she's six times better
than you are, isn't she?

( Coughing )

( thumps )

- Steve!
- What?

Come here!

Oh God.

Oh, fantastic.

( Car approaching )

( doorbell rings )

Someone answer the door!

Who do you think you are then,
Lord and Lady Aggleshite?

Tradesmen's entrance.

Well, shake a leg.

- Up.
- I got her.

Mum.

Happy birthday, mate.

Back to your room, quick smart.

- Is she dead?
- No, she's fine. She's fine.

( Thuds )

What's all the fuss about?

She's had it.
She's only just died.

Now stop that.
Stop what you're doing.

( Exhales )

She's just in her room
with her things.

It's hard to know what to say.

Oh.

Eddie, I'm worried this is how the
Yorkshire ripper must have started.

Oh, Steve, he's not gonna end
up like the Yorkshire ripper.

Dad: What's wrong with
playing with your Lego?

- Why are you so bloody morbid?
- 'Cause I live here.

Mum:
We are doing our best.

Edward: We used to go away
for the day on my birthday.

Mum:
Oh, Eddie.

Dad: That doesn't entitle you to
do whatever you bloody like.

( groans )

( breathing heavily )

( groans )

I heard Lilian's ghost.

It went, "aaahh."

But I was too thick
to turn the tape on.

Yeah, that's the sound it makes.

It's the air passing over the vocal
cords as it comes out of the lungs.

No, it's not.

Can we do another séance?

The proper reaction is to mourn

and to celebrate their
achievements as human beings

And then try to move on.

Not stick a microphone
up their nose.

I used to have a room with
Paddington bear wallpaper.

Yeah, well, I used to have a
beautiful wife and all my own teeth.

Your life changes, Buster.

And not always for the better.

You accumulate regrets.

And they stick to you
like old bruises.

Sorry.

Many happy returns of the day.

I'll teach you a few tricks.

I'll do you a magic show.

And you can rub out
all of today.

And you can ask your pals.

I don't want a party.

Join hands and make contact
with the living, son.

You've got to keep
it hidden, you see?

Keep it in the knuckles.
Go on.

You're lucky.
You're still flexible.

Go on.

Now make it disappear.

Go on.

( Chuckles )

Pick it up.

Start again.

But it doesn't start
until September.

What's that?
Tanya.

Good God almighty.

Poor bunch of pricks.

Go on, ask him.

Ask him about your party.

Afternoon, all.

I don't understand.

It doesn't take
five months to pack.

Tragic, isn't it?

I'll call you back later.

What were her
achievements, then?

What was she like?

She was a manipulative,

passive-aggressive,

unkind old ass-hole.

- ( Playing piano )
- ♪ wish me luck ♪

♪ As you wave me goodbye ♪

♪ Cheerio, here I go ♪

♪ On my way... ♪

Tanya's resigned.

- Can you believe that?
- She's what?

Can I have a birthday party, mum?
I know I was a prick.

Where did you pick up
language like that?

- She give any details?
- I want a magic show.

- Eddie, you were a naughty boy.
- Go on.

- Hello, details?
- Mum!

Eddie, will you just get
off our backs for one minute?

We've got this blooming wake going on.
That's enough to deal with.

♪ Till we meet once again ♪

♪ you and I ♪

♪ Wish me luck as you
wave me goodbye... ♪

Maybe we should
have a wee dance.

The dancers have all gone
under the hill, my dear.

♪ With a cheer, not a tear ♪

♪ make it gay... ♪

Oh.
Go on then.

It'll do you go to have
some other kids around.

She must have said
something about why.

( Sobbing )

Mum: I don't know what
you're so upset about.

It's me who'll cop
for the extra work.

Oh yeah, 'cause I do sod
all around here, don't I?

You know, sometimes I wish
we did go bloody bankrupt.

♪ Till we meet once again ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Wish me luck as you ♪

♪ Wave me goodbye. ♪

Cheers.

( Applauding )

Find the lady. Five will get
you 10. 10 will get you 20.

Put your money in.

Where is she?

- No, there she is.
- Oh!

- Not so bad here is it?
- No.

And the Vicar says,

"Madam, this is a ladies bike.

It doesn't have
a crossbar."

You see...

She thought she was sitting

on the crossbar all
the way from Keighley.

- But it was his stiffy.
- Yeah.

- Everyone all right?
- Yeah.

Fucking Christians.

You use two panes of very
polished glass for pepper's ghost

At an angle like that.

Annie lies here...
Well, your assistant...

- You've had this.
- What?

You've already had this week's,
buddy. It's only Tuesday.

I do not believe that I have
already had this week's.

- Don't you?
- No, sunshine, I don't.

Ding ding ding ding
ding ding ding.

Bugger off.

Can just be very small scale.

It could just be me and you.

- What could?
- My birthday party.

I have been trying to draw
you out of yourself for a bit,

in case you hadn't twigged on.

God, what's the worst
that could happen?

Kids eat some cake.

We lift the grim bloody
pallor of mortality

for a few glorious moments.

Okay.

This one.

Got. Got.

Need.

- Oi.
- What?

We got P.E.?

Of course we have, spastic.

Hey.

( Gasps )

Shit.

- ( Students gasp )
- Whoa!

Wicked.

The light is on.

The light is on!

You've got to flex it
between your knuckles.

Don't drop it.

Flex it in your whatnots.

Bleeding hell.

You've got to practice,
you know.

Have you been pract...

Give us your whatsits.
Doo-da.

You're not gonna leave, are you?

Why do you write
so much on your arms?

( Engine starts )

Shall we go and get some
magical items for your party?

♪ Don't jump off the roof, Dad ♪

♪ You'll make a big
hole in the yard ♪

♪ Mother's just planted
petunias ♪

♪ The weeding and seeding
was hard ♪

♪ If you must end it all, Dad ♪

♪ Why don't you
give us a break? ♪

♪ Take a walk in the park, Dad ♪

♪ And there you can
jump in the lake. ♪

( Horns honking )

Whoops-a-daisy.

This is where we are then.

Find some items to make
your party go with a swing.

It's funny.

You spend your life
accumulating stuff,

and then you can't find
anywhere to put it.

Imagine that.

Imagine all the money
I've spent.

All the bloody work I've done.

There.

I had a fine woman, you know.

She was very artistic.

Very gentle.

We were very happy.

What's this do?

- It tells the time.
- Is it magic?

No, it's a grandfather clock.

You've got to give
'em the patter.

Otherwise they'll
latch onto you.

What's patter?

She was very good
at that as well.

She used to help me write my
little funny lines and things.

I met her at Euston Station.

Well, I saw her.

She passed me by.

I went after her.

I had a ten Bob note
in my pocket.

You don't see them any-more.

They were red.

So I took it out and I said,

"excuse my intrusion, miss,

but I think you might
have dropped this."

And she said,

"Oh, gosh, I did.
Thank you."

So I took her
to Lyons Corner House.

We had a long bun,

as it were.

And that, as they say.
Was that.

Oh God.

Clarence: I haven't the faintest
idea why they scrapped them.

Tanners, florins, shillings.

You don't know what change
you're getting nowadays.

And, uh...

And...

Where is this?

- ( Tires squeal )
- ( horns blare )

Clarence?

- Patter.
- What?

- Misdirection.
- Clarence, you're driving on the...

Clarence!

I'm sorry, I...

( quietly )
♪ don't jump off the roof, Dad ♪

♪ You'll make
a big hole in the yard ♪

Man:
You shouldn't be driving.

( closes door )

You okay?

When I was a nipper,

I used to

remember looking up

lying on my back

and looking up at the stars

and thinking what a great
big university it is.

Universe.

And all them stars, well yeah.

Now they're very very small.

It's all shut up shop.

And the stars,

they don't whatnot.

And the whole bloody thing...

has ended up

on little...

me.

You can take it to a garage.

What?

Oh.

( Engine sputters )

You see, when you die

then you come back to life.

You know, actually,

you're born again.

Then you die again.

And afterwards,
you come back to life.

Sounds exhausting.

I'd want to come back

as an animal.

A rabbit or badger or something.

I like badgers.

What's so good about badgers?

Well, I like badgers because
they're bad tempered

and they look good.

And you can make sporrans
out of badgers.

But if you came
back as a person,

you'd get a chance
to put it right again.

Let me tell you a secret.

Being a person
is a pain in the ass.

No it's not.

Yes it is.

- Clarence.
- What?

If you die will you
come back and see me?

Jesus wept.

Chuck that thing away.

Chuck it.
Chuck it away.

Chuck my bloody tricks away.

( Grunting )

What did you do that for?

I'm pissing against the wind.

I'm drenching my Macintosh.

You don't come back, son.

Once they've gone,
you can't talk to them.

If I could just say I'm sorry...

If I could tell her
I was bloody sorry,

what a difference
that would make.

She's dead, son.

- She divorced me.
- Who?

Annie.

I wouldn't settle down.

I couldn't keep it
in my trousers.

I mean, I was
a good-looking fella.

Then one day I came back home

and she...

Many years later

I got a letter
saying that she had...

I was too late
for her bloody funeral.

I've never even seen her grave.

It's hard to get this far

and realize there's
absolutely bloody nothing.

You said you were happy.

Who's happy?

We could do another séance.

Don't be retarded.
I made it up.

- I did it all for your benefit.
- What?

Oh, sod off.
I want to be by myself.

- Clear your own stuff up.
- I will.

Badgers are stupid.

- ( Dryers humming )
- Ow!

Sorry, love.

Coo-ee.

You getting your rabbit
in your hat?

No, I'm shoving it up your bum.

( Audio rewinding )

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Oh.

I wasn't really thinking
about anything very much.

I was thinking about
having my dinner.

( Chuckles )

No, I mean about...

life being too short.
All that bollocks.

Tanya:
What the matter, Steve-o?

Kath and I and all used
to have an awful lot of fun.

Seems to escape you.

Oh, Christ, Tanya.

Don't go to university.

If you stay here we could date.

- Whoa, what?
- Do you think I'm attractive?

Hold your horses, Stevie.
I'm 18 years old.

I know, it's fantastic.

Yeah, and what are you, like 45?

No, I'm 39.

Going on bloody geriatric.

( knocking )

Clarence:
Kidda...

I'm thinking of doing
the card finding duck.

Go away.

It takes two people.

Tough titty.

I don't want any bloody magic.

Kelly: Ranjit, who in the previous
book was called John,

Has got six marbles.

Zulema, who used to be
Samantha, has got 12.

And Keith, thank goodness,
has got four.

What percentage

of the bag does each one have?

Five minutes.

- I don't wanna.
- Pack it in, the both of you.

Have some manners.

But he's an old folk's homo.

Ben: Oh God,
what's that smell?

Barry:
Ugh, it's wee.

Ben:
No wonder he's a complete weirdo.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Edward ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

( Cheering )

Go on, make a wish.

Quickly, before that
senile old bat.

( Pop music playing )

( farts )

Barry: Stuart, did you
make that smell?

( record scratches )

Carry on, carry on.

- Let me do it.
- No, I am perfectly capable.

( Scratches )

Him, he's out.
He moved.

I've been moving without
a break since 1917.

I can't do anything else.

( Music resumes )

Get up, you.

Reg the hair.

Get up.

- Get up!
- Oh!

Now move.

( Music playing faintly )

Can you do your magic show?

What?

You sure?

You got any kids?

Mum:
Now then, ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,

please put your hands together

for the amazing Clarence.

( Cheering )

Thank you.

I'm not the sort of magician

who drags you through
endless mysteries

I'm pretty straightforward.

And I don't do card tricks.

Aw!

( Gasps )

( applause )

Well, maybe one or two.

( laughing, applauding )

Would you take a card
for me, please?

Any card.
Any card.

Thank you.
Look at it.

Don't tell me what it is.

No no no no, don't tell me.
Don't tell me.

Put it back.

I have a friend that
will do that for me.

Ronald the card-finding duck.

He is going to find
your card for you.

- ( Crowd gasps )
- Oh!

Quack quack.

Can I have another
brave volunteer, please?

You?

Another volunteer.
Come on.

Come on, who?
Who?

- You, sir?
- No no no.

- Absolutely not. No no.
- ( applauding )

They would sit knitting
and eating frogs...

( boy groans )

and watching people

having their heads cut off.

( Gasps )

( gasps )

Unfortunately they found

that the guillotine
was susceptible

to the power of raspberries.

They found that if you got
enough people

to blow raspberries,

the blade would be diverted

from its fatal course.

Which is why

I need your help, okay?

Let's have a dry run.

( Blowing raspberries )

( silence )

Okay, I think we're ready.

- Blow.
- ( blowing raspberries )

( screaming )

( screams )

Right, love.

( Clamouring )

There's blood everywhere.

- I've wrapped it in a bag of peas.
- Oh, great.

- Oh, no no no.
- Let go!

Any other medication?

Yes, I'm on pills for me...

well, I'll be buggered.

Don't put your finger in it.

One out.

( Whistling )

Did you have any?

It's gone crusty.

Go on, why don't you
have some, eh?

- Get this candle lit.
- I don't want any.

Have some cake.

- What's the matter?
- I live in an old people's home.

Yeah, well, I live in
an old people's home as well.

It's not easy for anybody.

You realize this will now be the
place you send your elderly loved ones

To have bits of them
chopped off, don't you?

It was an accident.

Where do you get off sticking
up for him all the time?

- He's not your granddad.
- I wish he was my dad.

Oh aye, well, he's going senile.

Haven't you noticed?

So you'll just have to
settle for Mr. Knobhead here.

Why'd you have to go
and say that?

- He'll find out sooner or later.
- Let me go!

Eddie.

Some people don't die
just like that.

Not like Lilian.

Some people,
they take a bit longer.

- They fade.
- I know what senile is!

There's still daddy
and me, love.

- We are not going to fade away.
- Yes, you are!

- Yes, you are!
- Look, they're just clients.

- You shouldn't get so involved.
- What about you?

- What?
- Getting involved.

Oh, Christ, Tanya.
Don't go to university.

If you stay here we could date.

- Whoa, what?
- Do you think I'm attractive?

Hold your horses, Stevie.
I'm 18 years old.

- I know, it's fantastic.
- Yeah, and what are you, like 45?

No, I'm 39.

Going on bloody geriatric.

You don't want to have
an affair with me, Steve.

I can't support my family.

I'm a rotten bloody father
and terrible husband

and nobody but you

has a single bloody
second for me.

You're like a breath
of fresh air, Tanya.

I think I love you.

I do.

( tape stops )

Dad: Yeah well,
what about you, eh?

Maybe if you paid me a bit of
attention every now and again.

Mum: What's the bloody problem
with getting your head down

And just getting on
with it for a few months?

Do you not see beyond
the next nice pair of tits?

I have never been
unfaithful to you.

Not in 15 years.

You just undermine me, Steve.

All the time
you never do anything

other than complain.

It's exhausting.

Why don't you just go?

- Oh, come on.
- I'm sick of it.

Go on.

( car starts )

There.

Oh.

You look nice
in that tie, Reggie.

Thank you.

But you never have it
quite straight, do you?

No no.

We've got to straighten you out

a bit in general, haven't we?

Yes yes.
I suppose so, yes.

Come along.

( Knocks )

It's half eight, love.

Come on, get up.

I want to talk.

Edward.

Eddie?

Barry: On Sunday, went to Edward's
birthday party.

There were a wizard who cut
an old man's finger off.

It were extremely wicked.

An old person
and a young person, please.

1.80.

- That's a lot of ready cash.
- He's my granddad.

- Oh, are you?
- Well, possibly.

There have been many women.

( Honks )

When are we going home?
Come on.

I want to be where my stuff is.

Come here.

Oi, come here.

Come here.

That was a cheap bloody trick.

Pull the red whatchamacallit.

Too late, we're going.

Pull the whatchamacallit.

I'll pull it if you
tell me what it's called.

Well, I know it's red.

What's a divorce like?

- What?
- A divorce.

A bit tricky, I should think.

Come on.

Is it still there?

What?

- Is it?
- What's the matter?

Is the...

Is the ground still there?

Look, ground, sky.
Ground.

Ow!

- Oi!
- Concentrate!

Any danger of a cup of tea
and a pork pie?

Did I already ask that?

Thank you.

Stay here.

My name is Clarence Parkinson.

And England is my nation.

My teacher's name
is Mrs. Scott.

And Christ

is my salvation.

Clarence!

Come here!

That's the same name
as my missus.

I know.

Oh no.

Oh God.

Oh, sod off.

Sod off.

( Sobs )
Oh, sod off.

Sod off.

Put 'em down then.

Put 'em down.
Get it off your...

Don't.
Don't.

You've spoiled them.

Yeah.

I've spoiled

all these nice
flowers, haven't I?

It's all right.

You know what it's going
to say on my gravestone?

"Here lies
Clarence B. Parkinson.

He was born.

He F***'ed it up.

And then he died.

What's your name?

- Eh?
- Edward.

Edward,

Things aren't exactly

as they ought to be.

Have you any idea what it is?

There's something the matter.

The name on that gravestone

is the same name as my wife.

Leave it.

I'm gonna go call my mum.

You know, today's the first time

we've spent more than half
an hour with each other

without a bloody fogey
or shitty ass

or liquidized bloody carrots
getting in the way

for a year.

Because our kid's run off because he
hates us so much because of what we do.

No, it's...

What we do is good.

We didn't go
to university, Steve.

You asked me to marry you.

We had a baby.

Do you remember how much...

Do you remember how hard
we tried for him?

Yeah.

That was the journey
we decided to make.

And there might be
a few less dates

and I might end up looking
like my mother, but...

Sorry.

It's not that way, love.
It's just over here.

- I thought I was outside.
- Come on.

You come with me.
That's it.

I mean, you argue with
your mates sometimes, right?

And obviously
your mum and me sometimes...

( sighs )
I can be a grumpy bum.

It's no fault of yours, love.

It's just...

are you not going
to live at home?

I don't know.

But you must never think ever

that you're not absolutely

The most important thing in
the world to your mum and me.

Do you understand?

When's he going to die?

Look after him.

Just let me
look after everybody.

I'm a little bit bored
with you men and your problems

at the moment, Edward.

Sometimes you just have
to learn to let things go.

I know.

Eve, where've you been?

- Go back to sleep.
- I've been looking for you

- All over the damn place.
- Oh God help us.

There's another one here,
another wild and woolly one

who can't cope with himself.

Annie, I'm sorry.

That's all I wanted to
say, to just tell you

That I'm sorry...

I got distracted.

If I had my time over again...

- If I had it again...
- Shh shh shh.

- Annie...
- I forgive you.

( Softly )
I forgive you.

Doc Brown: You know, Marty, I'm
gonna be very sad to see you go.

You've really made a
difference in my life.

You've given me
something to shoot for.

Just knowing that I'm gonna
be around to see 1985,

that I'm gonna succeed in this,

that I'm gonna have a chance
to travel through time...

It's gonna be really hard
waiting 30 years

Before I can talk to you about everything
that's happened in the past few days.

I'm really gonna
miss you, Marty.

Marty:
I'm really gonna miss you.

Ace one, wasn't it?
That one was magic.

Hey, did you like the bit
with the skateboard?

I was there too.

Oh no.
You sure?

Yeah.
You coming in?

A couple of minutes can't hurt.

Hey, you did like it,
didn't you?

It was good, Dad.

Can I have a word?

Most assuredly.

With him.

Getting to be a bit Spring
outside again, isn't it?

It's October.

The leaves are looking
very nice on the, uh...

The large plants
you get in the garden.

Trees.

You're not doing
that trick right.

You've got to give it
some patter.

Words.

- Why don't you just...
- What do you call a man

with a paper bag on his head?
Russell.

What do you call a man with a
license plate on his head? Reg.

What do you call a man
with car on his head?

Seatbelt?

Good lad.

- Can I have my fiver now?
- Your what?

You said you'd give me a fiver

- If I got it right.
- What a load of bollocks.

( Knocks on door )

Come in.

- We have to be off.
- Where are we going?

Pictures.

Tata for now.

I was wondering whether you wanted
to move back into your old room.

I'm okay where I am.

He was some magician, wasn't he?

Wicked.

( laughs )

Oh yeah.

He shoots, he scores!

Come on then.
Pass it!

One out!
( laughs )

- Come on then!
- ( groans )

Nice one, old man.

( Growls )

- Come on, magic man!
- One out!

Oh, look.
Abracadabra.

Oh.

Edward:
Where are you going?

Out.

That's all.

You never go out.

Well...

Things are different now,
aren't they?

Why'd you have to put make-up on?

Because...

Oh, I don't know.

It makes you feel
a bit more human.

You look like a vampire.

( Doorbell buzzes )

Cheers, big ears.

You look nice.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

BRITISH ENGLISH SDH