Irresistible (2020) - full transcript
A Democratic strategist helps a retired veteran run for mayor in a small, conservative Midwest town.
Good evening.
I welcome you to the third
and final of the 2016
presidential debates.
We either have
a country, or we don't.
Rounding up
people who are undocumented...
We have some bad hombres here.
...is an idea
that is not in keeping
- with who we are as a nation.
- I tell it like it is.
I'm happy to compare
my 30 years of experience...
The one thing you have
over me is experience,
but it's bad experience.
We are going to make
America great again,
and it has to start now.
I hope you will
give me a chance
to serve as your president.
Donald Trump
told the American people
the truth tonight,
as he always does.
Hillary Clinton
is the real outsider.
Look, whatever you think
you saw tonight...
You didn't.
You actually saw what I saw,
and I think that
the American people...
Would agree with me.
As long as I say it
repeatedly, doggedly...
And with unearned confidence.
I lie.
I am lying to you.
And you know I lie.
I'm actually in this position
because of how effectively
I lie to you.
Are we clear?
We call this the spin room,
without shame.
Spinning is something you do
to disorient people.
And you all know that,
and yet here we are.
What a wonderful play
we're putting on.
Thank you all so much.
And fuck you, America.
I look forward to lying to you
in the future.
See you at the bar.
Thank you.
Shockwaves across America.
His surprise victory
defied preelection polling.
Tectonic-plate-shifting,
9.5 on the Richter scale
earthquake.
So that's just a snapshot
of the reaction
we're getting this morning.
And we're still trying to get
our good old pal Gary Zimmer
to talk to us.
He's probably
halfway to Canada by now.
Yeah,
maybe halfway to Canadian Club.
I'd love to ask this guy
what the hell he was thinking.
How did they blow
this election?
Hey, guys, did you find the clip?
You got it? Okay.
This is our good friend
Gary Zimmer,
grand old consigliere
of the Clinton campaign,
not even a week ago
on this program.
So, you're confident?
Oh, no question.
Hillary's made her case.
She is the most qualified
presidential candidate,
certainly in my lifetime,
maybe ever.
Donald Trump
will not be president.
Well, he is
doing well in the South,
so maybe he can be president
of the Confederacy.
But Ohio,
Michigan, Pennsylvania.
Mika, he's not winning
Pennsylvania.
He's not winning Michigan.
That rust belt blue wall
is impenetrable. It holds.
I guarantee.
Well, you decided to spend
almost no time there
campaigning.
Was that a Carville impression?
All right, so wait a minute.
- Tommy, try Gary again.
- Google, off.
Okay, we have
Faith Brewster on the line...
Hey, Google, off.
Sorry. Power controls
is not yet supported.
Phone lady, decline.
- Try asking again in a different way.
- Ugh.
Hang up. Hey, Google,
tell phone lady to hang up.
Sorry, I'm not sure
how to help with that yet.
- Off, off!
- Sorry, I'm still not sure about that.
Hey, Google, disengage.
- Songs aren't available on SiriusXM.
- Abort.
- I'm not sure about that.
- Everybody, shut up!
Try asking again in a different way.
("Still the Same" by Bob Segerpl
♪ You always won ♪
♪ Every time you placed a bet ♪
♪ You're still damn good ♪
♪ No one's gotten to you yet ♪
♪ Every time ♪
♪ They were sure
they had you caught ♪
♪ You were quicker
than they thought ♪
♪ You'd just turn your back
and walk ♪
♪ And you're still the same ♪
♪ I caught up with you
yesterday ♪
♪ Still the same,
still the same ♪
♪ Moving game to game ♪
♪ No one standing in your way ♪
♪ Turning on the charm
long enough ♪
♪ To get you by ♪
♪ Still the same ♪
♪ Still the same ♪
♪ You're still the same ♪
♪ You still aim high ♪
♪ Still the same,
still the same ♪
♪ Still the same,
still the same. ♪
♪ There's been a load
of compromisin' ♪
♪ On the road to my horizon ♪
♪ But I'm gonna be
where the lights ♪
♪ Are shinin' on me ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse
in a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Getting cards and letters
from people I don't even know ♪
♪ And offers comin'
over the phone. ♪
So, if there is
no further discussion,
can I get a motion to vote
on Resolution 1217,
requiring a valid
Wisconsin driver's license
or proof of U.S. citizenship
to qualify
for any state or municipality
program or benefit,
such as food stamps, welfare
and so on and so forth.
So moved.
- Second?
- Second.
I have a second.
It is time...
- Excuse me, fellas.
- Jack, I already told you,
you can widen that easement
on Hamburg...
Um, actually, it's about
that resolution
you're thinking about passing.
With all due respect, Colonel,
that discussion has ended.
Yeah, yeah. So I heard.
But, uh...
the thing is that, um...
it's a bad idea.
- Y-You can't...
- Uh, okay, well,
I already seconded,
but whatever.
I know we're in
a bad spot, but...
you can't bring it back
by throwing these people
under the bus.
Whoa, we're not throwing
anybody under anything, Jack.
Money was tight
when the base was still open,
but now...
I mean, we just
got to be smart.
We got to eliminate
cheating the programs.
There's not a damn soul
using those programs
that doesn't need 'em,
and you know it.
And all they need to do
is produce the acceptable I.D.,
and the benefits will be...
And you know
they can't do that.
Well...
I don't make the rules, Jack.
I mean, I do, I guess.
Not by myself, but...
this is over.
Okay, we have a motion
that has been seconded.
It is time to bring it
to a vote.
Uh, you know, uh,
just curious...
you know,
when the river backed up
and the folks
you think might be cheating
stood shoulder to shoulder
with us
stuffing sandbags
for three days straight,
ended up saving your store,
you check their I.D.'s then?
Discussion's closed, Jack.
You checking I.D.'s
when they're bringing food
to the church potlucks, Walt?
Enough, Jack.
You had your say.
Look, we got rules here,
but that don't make us
bad people.
I'm not saying
you're a bad person, Billy.
I'm saying you're scared.
Hell, we all are.
Damn town went from 15,000
to five overnight,
and business went with it.
We're not bringing it back
by... by turning on each other.
Corps taught me the chain's
only as strong
as its weakest link.
And Father Heuvel here
taught me that I am
my brother's keeper.
Wait. Go back
to that "weak link" part.
Whatever you do for the least
of us, you do for the Lord.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
I mean, could this guy work?
Corps taught me the chain's
only as strong
as its weakest link.
Hmm. Pretty good.
- Mm-hmm.
- And Father Heuvel here
taught me that I am
my brother's keeper.
Whatever you do for the least
of us, you do for the Lord.
Looks conservative,
sounds progressive.
- Mm-hmm.
- The point is,
it's easy to be strong
of character in the good times.
The test is the bad times.
If you can't live
your principles then, well...
I guess they aren't principles;
they're just hobbies.
Where is this again?
Wisconsin.
Deerlaken.
- Deerlaken.
- Mm-hmm.
Gentlemen...
this square-jawed paragon
of Americana
is our goddamn key
back into the forbidden city.
- Well, that's my stop.
- Sit. Kurt, sit.
- Call me when he gets to the point.
- Nope.
You're not going anywhere.
No, sit.
And we have Alan to thank
for bringing this man
to our attention.
- It's Evan.
- Did I happen to mention that
he is a veteran of
the United States Marine Corps?
- Yes.
- And a farmer.
- Um... you did.
- I believe so.
And did I happen to mention
that he's a widower?
- Impressive.
- All right. Well done.
A man who makes Joe the Plumber
look like Dukakis in mom jeans
and a fucking Easter bonnet...
in the reddest of counties
- in the great now swing state of Wisconsin...
- Mm-hmm.
...is...
...a Democrat.
Uh, he's a Democrat?
Yeah.
He just doesn't know it yet.
Well, here's the idea:
I get on a plane,
and I go to Wisconsin,
and I use this guy
to road-test a more
rural-friendly message.
It's a mayoral race...
in the middle of nowhere.
Uh, I don't get
how this helps us.
There are two million rural
votes in these states alone.
If we lost them 2.7 to one
instead of three to one,
we'd win,
but we didn't even try.
Their base turned out.
Ours didn't.
If we find a candidate
to activate our base...
if our African Americans
and Latino communities...
It's just "Latino."
...show up, we win.
We have to get the rural voters
back into the tent,
even just a little bit.
Well, if it's all
the same to you,
I'll stick with pandering
to our special-interest groups,
thank you very much.
Sí, se puede. Sí, se puede.
- Sí, se...
- I like the idea of expanding our base.
Not taking any voter
for granted.
It does have some merit.
Good morning.
Gary Zimmer's office.
Okay, so we'll make sure
a car comes here
and picks you up,
- and we'll make sure the driver is Frank.
- Okay.
Um, it's a two-hour flight,
but you'll gain an hour
when you get there.
- What is that?
- The 7 Series.
It was the closest thing
they had to your Tesla, but...
Just take a Sharpie, and write
"liberal city douchebag"
on my forehead, okay?
- Come on, guys.
- Yeah.
Um, Accord?
I'm traveling to America.
Explorer, neutral color.
And pack me like a conference.
Davos? TED?
Aspen, weekend package.
- Thank you.
- Great.
Oh, and, guys, you know what?
Keep it simple.
Simple. No frills.
- Thank you.
- Got it. - Sure.
Great.
Although, if the Explorer
has a-a Bose
or a Bang & Olufsen
sound package,
- if they have it...
- it'd be good.
- Great.
- Gotcha.
Did they say anything
about catering?
Not yet.
Those little mozzarella balls
would be great.
- Yeah?
- Caprese salad.
- Something light. Balsamic.
- Yeah, just...
Balsamic, all that jazz?
Cool.
Nothing.
Cool.
That's fun.
He'll flip the short pass.
Complete to Anderson.
He's at the 35.
He moves to the 30-yard line...
- Here you go, Mr. Zimmer.
- Oh, thank you.
Trailing by three points...
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
...with time running out,
the Packers roll 68 yards
across the frozen field
and into legend.
He flips
the pass. It's complete.
To Chuck Mercein.
He's at the 25, the 20...
With only
three minutes to play,
all the hopes and dreams
of an entire season
rested on the shoulders
of one man.
♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪
♪ Riding out on a horse ♪
♪ In a star-spangled rodeo ♪
♪ Like a rhine... ♪
This is "Fresh Air."
I'm Terry Gross.
Richard Rodgers
and Oscar Hammerstein
had one of the most successful
musical partnerships
of the 20th century.
But I also
think it's-it's a canard
that Hammerstein
can't write funny songs.
She's got a beautiful voice,
so let's hear her singing
"Everybody's
Got a Home but Me."
Will you set the scene for us
about where this song fits
into the show?
Well, this young prostitute
has just arrived in Monterey...
Oh.
- Evening.
- Hey.
Hi. What can I get you?
Uh, how about
a Bud and a burger?
That sounds good.
- Thank you so much.
- Sure thing.
Coming up.
Hey, Charlie.
Tough day?
- A long day, traveling.
- Oh, yeah?
- Where from?
- Washington, D.C.
Man, I ain't been there since,
like, a school trip.
Can't even remember
how many years ago that was.
- It was 29. 29 years.
- Yeah?
- Was it?
- 29 years. Ms. Heuvel's history class.
- That's what it was. Ms. Heuvel's history class.
- Yeah.
Security guards chased us out
of the Space Museum.
Yeah, well, we beat the dog
shit out of those other kids.
Well, you guys aren't
missing anything.
It is a nightmare down there.
- Huh. Yeah.
- Well, no argument there.
- Yeah. You can say that again.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mike Staadt.
- Hey.
- We call him Big Mike.
- Yeah.
People call me Big Mike
for some reason.
Well, it's, uh, because...
to tell us apart.
Because I'm... my name's Mike,
too, but I'm Little Mike.
Hey. How are you? Gary.
- Nice to meet you.
- Gary, Gary.
Gary from D.C.
D.C. Gary.
He likes to give
everybody nicknames, so that's
why he's-he's giving you
a nickname right now, which...
It shows friendship and affection.
- Okay, yeah, but he doesn't...
- If you don't like yours,
- I'll take it away.
- No, I'm fine with my nickname.
Well, I appreciate it,
Little Mike.
Okay, thank you, D.C. Gary.
Hey, this is our new friend,
D.C. Gary.
- Hey. How are you?
- Hey.
- Dave.
- My name is Gary, and I'm from D.C., so...
- that works.
- Well, welcome to Deerlaken.
- Thank you.
- Ever been to Wisconsin before?
Uh, spent a fair amount of time
in Madison.
So that's a no.
That's not Wisconsin.
Actually, I'm here to see
Jack Hastings. You know him?
- Oh, yeah. He's a great guy.
- Yeah, everybody knows Jack.
- The Colonel. Great guy.
- Semper fi.
- Yeah.
- YouTube star.
We've got some rooms upstairs,
if you need.
- Sure. That sounds good.
- Tonya?
Yeah, baby.
This gentleman here
would like a room.
Oh, sure.
What do you need, hon?
Uh, anything.
Any room is fine.
Okay.
If you have something
on a high floor
with a king bed
and a coffee maker...
Okay. Yeah, we... everything's
on the second floor.
- Perfect.
- They're all pretty much the same.
That's perfect. I'm easy.
- Anything's good.
- Take 206. It's the biggest.
- They're all unlocked.
- Okay.
Thank you so much, Tonya.
- Hey, so, D.C. Gary.
- Yeah.
You ever been
to the White House?
- I have.
- What's that like?
What's that like? It's a lot
smaller than you think.
- Thanks.
- What? - Really? -Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause we
didn't... I don't think we got
by there on that student trip.
Must not have been built
at that point.
Oh, that looks delicious.
Thank you so much.
Do you have a bottle opener?
- That's a... no, that's just a twist.
- Bud, you just twist.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's a twist-off.
I know. I know.
Maybe he does need
a bottle opener.
- Maybe use your-your vest.
- He's probably...
- Maybe a European grip.
- Ah, I got it.
- There we go.
- There we go.
Cheers.
- Hey.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Here's to you. - Cheers.
Budweiser.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
You got to be kidding me.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
It's fine, it's fine.
It's fine!
All right.
And it's fucking locked.
Goddamn it.
Oh, shit.
Ah, fuck this.
Oh, Deerlaken.
Love it.
Okay.
Everything all right?
Uh, hel... Yes? Hello?
- It's Dave.
- Yes?
From the Hofbrau House.
- From downstairs?
- Yes.
- O-Okay.
- Everything all right?
Mm... yeah, I was just looking
for a Wi-Fi password.
Good luck.
Case-sensitive?
No, good luck getting Wi-Fi.
You're better off
using your phone.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right, very good.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
- Goodbye.
- Night, Gar.
Everything all right?
Hey, D.C. Gary!
Hey, Gary.
Hey.
Good morning, Gary.
Hey.
Okay.
- Excuse me, Gary.
- Hi, Gary.
All right.
Well, hello, Gary.
The Mikes told me
that you're up from D.C.,
and I figured that
you might be on the hunt
for some good caffeine.
Yes. Um... sure.
May I have a...
- Coffee?
- A coffee.
Cream, two sugars.
Not how I like it, but good.
And i-if you don't mind, um,
when you head up to Jack's,
can you give him this?
Jack, uh, he gets
a little cranky
if he doesn't get his linzers.
Oh, and I-I, uh...
I put a little streusel
in there for you, too.
Just made it. Still warm.
Mmm. Okay.
Ah, no, no, no, no, no.
You're saving me a trip, so...
Okay.
Um, okay.
Okay.
Bye, Gary.
Okay. Bye.
Have a good one.
Thank you. You have a good one.
Hey, guys.
Have a good one.
Hey, lady. Have a good one.
All right.
Is everybody having a good one?
What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
Fuck me!
Oh, God.
Mmm, mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Shit! God! God!
Sunny! Muffin! Stand down!
Oh, hey.
You Ann's new delivery guy?
I'm sorry.
Uh, I'll go back and get you
some more of those.
Oh, it's fine.
I'll probably end up
giving them
most of them anyway.
Um... okay.
Okay.
That's an angry labradoodle.
Oh, really beautiful out here.
Really takes me back.
Oh, you a farm boy?
Uh, uh, no.
Political consultant.
Well, sir, I saw your video
on the Internet...
the town hall you busted up.
Um...
your comments
on the responsibility
to the least of us
moved me deeply.
- Grab a bucket.
- And I'll grab a bucket.
And here they come. Okay.
I think, increasingly...
...we have lost the capacity
to see each other.
Empathy for those
that we don't resemble.
Not to say partisanship
has no place,
but certainly not at the level
of toxicity
that our current debate
incorporates.
"No man left behind"
is your ethos as a Marine!
I think it's especially
poignant this day and age!
Your words spoke to values,
not identity.
So important.
It was Abraham Lincoln
who said,
"An appeal to
our better angels."
You came out of there
pretty fast.
Did you wash?
Okay.
Here it is.
I want you to be
the Democratic candidate
for mayor of Deerlaken.
Now, I know you probably don't
think that you're a Democrat,
but after watching your speech,
I can assure you that you are,
and I would like to offer
my company's services
to help you do so.
Well, I thank you.
You're welcome.
You know,
thanks for the help today.
My pleasure.
But all things being equal,
I'd rather not.
All right.
Can I be completely honest
with you?
No bullshit.
Be nice.
My daughter's here.
That was your daughter,
with her-her arm up the c-cow?
Okay. Look...
- Democrats are getting their asses kicked.
- Mm.
Because guys like me don't know
how to talk to guys like you.
I really believe that
you believe what I believe...
that what is happening
in this town is wrong.
What is happening
in this country is wrong.
People are turning their backs
on each other.
We are forgetting
that we need each other.
What you said in your speech...
strong as our weakest link.
Do you mean that?
Did you mean it
when you said that?
Because if you did, I think
that you have an obligation
to try to strengthen
those weak links.
And you can do it.
You can do it.
You can do it
in this sort of position.
You can help strengthen
those... those weak links.
You can achieve that.
Okay...
All right.
You know what?
All due respect, Colonel,
anybody can make a speech.
The real test is
backing up your words.
The things that you said
to those folks in that meeting,
was that principle,
or was that just a hobby?
Let me know.
Why does he need three guns?
Oh, God.
- Shit.
- I'm sorry if I startled you, sunshine.
Don't you people
believe in locks?
Or privacy
or basic social contracts?
Yeah, Tonya let me in.
I told her I had
something important
I needed to talk to you about.
You'll do it?
Under one condition.
Great. Name it.
You run the damn thing.
I got the farm to worry about.
Don't have any idea
how to even start.
I will have one of my top guys
make himself available to you.
No, no, that's not gonna do it.
You.
The deal is you run it
from here.
I checked you out.
You got one hell
of a portfolio.
So, deal?
I'd like
a big clump of the cows
right here in the center.
- Do you copy me?
- Yes, sir!
Okay. If you can just
move 'em over that way.
- Yep!
- Okay!
And if you could get
some of them to face front.
Oh, my God.
Hey there, Colonel.
Gary.
Bobby, thanks a million
for coming out here.
I'll be certain to vote
for you.
Thank y'all, folks, for coming.
So, this is just
a quick kickoff.
Let's make you look
a little more like Farmer Jack
and less like Certified
Public Accountant Jack.
- There you go.
- Uh, okay.
Oh...
- Oh, no, no. That's okay.
- Quit it.
- That's okay. Donny, right?
- Quit it.
Michael.
Michael, we can just
boom him, okay?
The pole with the thing
on the end.
Do you do sound, Michael?
- Chuck does sound.
- Okay.
But he's at the lake
with his family.
Okay, well, that's too bad
that he's not...
- Eh, that's okay. That's okay. We'll just go without.
- No.
- Thank you, Donny.
- Thank you, son. Thank you.
Okay.
Let's give it a try.
There you are.
Uh, this is...
Why you are running for mayor.
Wow.
I quote Patton...
and Jesus.
Paraphrase.
And you can't go to the prom
without a corsage.
Let's make magic.
All right.
Thank you for coming.
Could we quiet the cows,
please?!
Thank you!
Ladies and gentlemen,
Colonel Jack Hastings.
So, uh,
I am Colonel Jack Hastings,
and...
I'm running for mayor.
So, uh...
How we doing?
All right.
Beautifully put.
Are there any questions
for the Colonel?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Uh, yes, Colonel.
Yes, name and affiliation,
please.
- It's Dan.
- Name and affiliation, please.
I'm Dan.
Go ahead, Daniel.
Easy on the cows!
Um, yes, Mr. Hastings,
uh, Colonel,
could you say that again?
Because I-I don't think
my recorder was on.
Mm. Do it again?
Hey, you know what?
It's okay.
- Now...
- We'll get it.
Okay, this one...
What I'm looking for...
don't put all the black ones
in the center.
He's running as a moderate,
okay?
And if you could get some
facing this way,
that would be helpful.
More local news tonight
out of Deerlaken.
Former Marine Colonel
Jack Hastings
announcing today
that he's running for mayor
as a Democrat.
While Braun may have
an incumbent's advantage,
political insiders say Hastings
is likely to give him
a run for his money.
Happening now, a major...
Well, how much
is this gonna cost?
You let me worry about that.
What I need from you
are people, volunteers.
We got a lot of legwork
if we're gonna make a noise
in this thing.
- More coffee?
- Oh, I'm good.
No, I'm good, Lizzie.
Thanks.
You know what I do need?
I need a couple buckets
of that gravy
so I can take a bath in it.
So good.
Delicious.
My compliments to the chef.
I'll let Ziggy know.
Great.
That ought to cheer him up.
Just the check, Lizzie.
Will do, Jack.
What's the deal
with the happy chef?
Oh, Ziggy's all right.
- Oh?
- He owns the place.
Eh, he may be a bit peeved
about the election thing.
He's Mayor Braun's brother.
Why isn't this place
called Braun's?
The Hansens owned this place
since probably... Korea.
Bobby Hansen started it,
his kids ran it for years,
and had to sell
once the base closed,
but no matter who owns it,
it'll always be Hansen's.
Base closing
really hammered this place.
Yeah, it did.
More than half of
our storefronts have shut down.
In fact, we're losing
our high school
if we can't come up
with the funding.
But no matter what folks
might wish for here,
it ain't coming back.
"Vote for Jack Hastings,
"'cause no matter
what you wish for,
it ain't never coming back."
- I like it. It's good.
- Well...
- I'm not gonna lie to people.
- No, I know. I know.
I was just being witty
and cynical.
Can't win a battle
if you're not honest
about what you're
really up against.
No, you cannot.
Not enough for a bath,
but you can get
a good foot soak in.
Thank you.
A straw.
All right, let's bring it in.
Everybody in. Ah...
- phone bank!
- Phone bank.
Well, you'll get it next time.
Okay, I want you to be upbeat.
I want you to be positive.
Active participation
is what we're looking for.
Would they volunteer?
Would they donate?
Can we drop off a lawn sign?
Would they donate?
Would they donate?
Yes, write that down.
That's good.
Got some sample scripts
for you there.
Contact list there.
To the ramparts!
That means go. You can begin.
- Oh.
- Now...
you guys are my "A" team.
So, first, we're going to take
these lawn signs,
and we're going to put them
in all available public spaces.
I want them visible
but not obnoxiously so.
Isn't it a little early
for lawn signs?
I'm sorry. She just, um...
'Cause just around here,
sometimes people
aren't so keen...
- Mm-hmm.
- But then, I do appreciate
that you got the signs made.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, we've always used lawn signs.
- Yeah.
- They've worked for hundreds of years, so...
- Great.
- Yeah, let's just use 'em.
Great. All right, Ann?
- Hmm? Okay.
- I want you to take the downtown area.
Martha, Dave, how about
everything west of 39?
And, Diana, I'd like you to stay here...
- Hello?
- Yeah?
- ...to do...
- Good morning.
Hi. This is Matthew,
and I'm a volunteer
- calling with Jack...
- Matthew?
- Matt... Matthew...
- Hello?
Hello?
What are you doing?
- Zimmer.
- Good morning, Mr. Zimmer.
My name is Michael, calling
on behalf of Colonel Hastings.
Guys, guys, guys, guys.
All right, this is
what's happening here.
You're calling off
the office contact list.
This is the voter contact list.
- Oh.
- So, yeah, I know.
I want you to call
the voter contact list.
We're already voting
for the Colonel.
Okay? Good.
Let's go do the signs, too.
Oh, my God.
Keep doing that, guys.
Gar! Hey, D.C. Gary!
- Hi.
- Hey, Gar, come on over.
Okay. All right.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Uh, that's a six.
That is a five.
And a four. Look at that.
- And a seven.
- Oh, my... Oh!
I'm keeping it, baby!
- Ah!
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- This is D.C. Gary.
He's staying above the Hofbrau.
- Hey.
- Good to see you.
Welcome to
The Ambassador's Lounge.
Thank you very much.
Hear you're in town
helping the Colonel.
- Yes, I am.
- He's a good man.
He is. He is a good man.
So, is this your
campaign office here?
This?
No, this is
The Ambassador's Lounge,
an elite, uh, social club of
the area's top entrepreneurs,
- athletes and raconteurs.
- Ah.
It's a shithole.
Hey, guys.
Jack's already got lawn signs
printed up.
Well, I got to head out.
Got a lot of work
to catch up on.
Pleasure meeting everybody.
Hey, Father,
you want to go with him?
He might need a miracle or two.
This town hasn't had
a Democrat mayor
since La Follette
ruled these parts, and...
hasn't had a Democratic Party
since the '70s.
Gonna take a little bit more
than lawn signs.
Okay.
Colonel Jack Hastings.
Tempered by war.
Chain's only as strong
as its weakest link.
Driven by faith.
I am my brother's keeper.
A new kind of Democrat.
A Democrat for the heartland.
Jack Hastings,
a redder kind of blue.
Paid for
by Real Americans for...
What are you up to, Zimmer?
I am telling you guys,
Jack could be the real deal,
on a national level.
On a national level?
It's like he's a cross
between...
- MacArthur and elk jerky.
- Wait, what?
And one of those machines
that test grip strength.
Sounds too good to be true.
Oh, my God.
Semicolon.
She took the bait.
It's on here, boys.
Game on.
- And let him be the star, you know?
- Yeah.
- Yep.
- So...
♪ A little bit
of Hastings all the time ♪
♪ We're gonna win election,
yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪
Oh, yeah. Oh, here I am.
Yes. Hello, party people.
Oh, 'tis a beautiful day
to be alive
and on the vanguard of change.
Who wants something to eat?
They're so delicious.
Okay.
What's going on?
Why all the long faces?
Did you not see it?
The billboard.
The one on Main with the giant
"Vote for Mayor Braun"?
- Yes.
- What about it?
"What about it?"
That's the
Macgregor Ford billboard.
Okay.
Okay, so it's been
the Macgregor Ford billboard
for probably 40 years.
God only knows
how much it cost.
And it looks like Braun has
taken over Jerry's old office
as some sort of
campaign headquarters.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Hold on. Hold on.
Um, are you telling me
that the mayor,
who's running for reelection,
has decided to advertise
his campaign for mayor?
And he's doing it from a...
campaign office?
Oh, my God!
Oh, I... This is...
This is overwhelming to me.
Oh, my God.
I don't... I...
What...
I have the vapors. I...
I'm hyperventilating.
Why are these spoons
just standing there?
You don't get it.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
You don't get it.
Do you have any idea
how much that costs?
Well, that space
is 3,800 square feet,
and it runs for
$20 a square foot yearly.
Prorated to two months
is $7,600.
The billboard, a little bit
harder to decipher.
But I'd say,
based on the location
and Mayor Braun's desperation,
8K all-in.
Design and printing included.
I don't know,
maybe something like that.
Well, there's no way that
Braun's got that much money.
Unless... this little
campaign of ours
has caught the attention of
the national Republican Party
and they are sending money
and reinforcements.
It's okay.
It's exactly what
we wanted to happen.
They are scared.
On a national level,
they are scared
of Colonel Jack.
So we have to plan
our next move.
Come here.
Gather round.
We're going to need...
something a little like...
that.
Wow.
And you scroll down.
There's a "donate" button.
Well, the money be
just one clicky away.
And one clicky goes to where?
Our website.
Oh, we don't have a web...
Oh, wow.
Awesome.
Good slogan, right?
You were one step ahead
the whole time.
Well, three or four,
but thank you very much.
I will take that.
Oh, wow.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Know how I knew you were here?
Your pussy tingled.
Semicolon on the billboard.
Classic Faith Brewster
over-punctuation.
Look, Zim,
y'all punched your ticket
on a changing demographic, and
now whitey don't want you back.
Okay, Jeb, exclamation point.
Why are you here?
Because I enjoy
demoralizing you.
Because crushing the last
piece of hope in your eyes
really gets me off.
You are a twisted fuck, Faith.
And you don't know Jack.
Please don't tell me that is
the campaign slogan
you came up with.
This guy, Zim,
he's not the last Jedi,
and even if he were,
I'd still crush him
because that's what I do.
You realize, in that analogy,
you're Darth Vader.
Whatever you say, nerd.
- It's good to see you.
- Yeah.
You look fat.
Hmm.
Divine, Ann.
- You have to tell me your secret sometime.
- Mm.
I would never tell you.
I'll never tell her.
- Cream, two sugars.
- Oh.
- No, that's not how I take it.
- I know, but...
Um, and here-here's
some streusel I made for you,
- and, um, it's still warm.
- No, no, no, no, Ann, I can't.
- And then these are cookies I made for you.
- I can't.
- I'm getting fat. I can't do that.
- They're...
- They're called the Garys, though.
- Thank you.
- I made these...
- I know. I appreciate it.
- Thank you. Okay.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Okay, bye-bye.
- All right, then.
Thank you. All right, then.
- Bye-bye. Have a good day.
- Okay.
Up all night for nothing.
- Coming back. There you go.
- All right, just today.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Thank you.
Bye-bye, now. Bye-bye.
Bye, Gar.
Have a good one.
- Okay, good night.
- Oh, hey.
Good night. I didn't know
anybody else was here.
I just wanted to make sure
everything was set
for tomorrow.
I was just finishing up
these pamphlets on immigration.
Ooh.
That sounds complicated.
I hope the small minds
can manage.
I'm sorry about that.
Sometimes,
messaging for the base
doesn't resonate
with the broader electorate.
Oh, okay.
So, to flatter them,
you have to condescend to us.
I get it.
Uh, no, no, that wasn't...
that wasn't what...
Sorry.
How's your dad doing?
Is he okay? Nervous?
No.
No? Well, why would he be?
He's been through a war.
He's not gonna sweat
a fish fry.
- No, he doesn't really get nervous.
- Mm-mm.
Just quiet.
Right.
Runs in the family.
- Maybe.
- Oh.
Yes, my, uh...
my mom was really
more of the talker.
She was...
You ever know anyone
that just lit up a room?
Mm-hmm.
Well, she was that.
Yeah.
- She sounds great.
- Yeah.
So, why did your dad
get involved with all this?
I mean, why speak
at that meeting?
Why run when it involves
talking and people?
I think he just loves
this town.
You know, I think he'd do
anything to save it.
What about you?
Uh, I guess I would do
just about anything
to save him.
Okay. You have a good day, now.
I'll just take one.
Hey. How are you this evening?
Pamphlet?
Vote for Colonel Jack.
Colonel Jack pamphlet.
Vote for Colonel Jack.
How are y'all doing?
...incredible database.
- Yeah.
- And all your information is in there.
Hey, Gary. Sorry I'm late.
I was just waiting for these
to get finished.
Beer Koozies might be
a little more helpful
than just the pamphlets.
And this is
actually very simple.
You just type in
your family's name...
How big is that booth?
- Faith.
- Gary.
You seem to be doing
a brisk business.
"Deerlaken: always."
So, apparently,
"Deerlaken über alles"
was copyrighted?
Well, we were gonna go with
"I'm with him"
until we remembered
how fucking stupid it sounded.
No, no, no, no.
I love it.
I love the whole
town genealogy angle.
It's got a real bold
"you ain't from around here"
flavor.
With subtle notes of,
uh, xenophobia.
Not to mention
the cognitive dissonance
that your booth is basically
a love letter to immigration.
That's a great observation.
So all these people
are hypocrites?
- I'd run with that.
- All you have is fear.
Now we're getting somewhere.
20 bucks says
I do better with fear
than you do with shame.
- Oh.
- Okay.
It's all set, Miss Brewster.
Thank you, sweetie.
Well, well, well.
I'm really sorry, Mr. Z.
I like working
with you guys, but...
I'm saving up for a car,
and she's paying us.
"Eh, she's paying us."
Wow, way to stand up for
what you believe in there...
- M... Michael.
- It's Michael.
- Michael. I know his name is Michael.
- His name is Michael.
- No, you don't.
- I know it.
- I was pausing for effect, Michael.
- It's okay, Michael.
- Character is destiny, Michael.
- Oh, don't listen to him.
- Character is destiny.
- He's a jerk. Oof.
Good burn.
Jack has lived here
for 30 years.
You really think
you can run a campaign
that paints him
as a carpetbagger?
Probably not, but I think I can
run one that says you are.
- Beer Koozie?
- Oh, my God.
Oh. Hastings Koozie?
- Yeah.
- Touché.
That's right.
That's in our booth.
- What do you think of that?
- Yeah, I'll take one.
What do you think of that
right there?
Boom, boom. What do you think of that?
- I don't...
- Oh.
Sorry. Not you, Dot.
- Hi.
- Oh, Dot.
Oh.
Oh.
Whoa.
We're not doing this.
What?
Ugh.
You go through my stuff?
Why here?
You have your own room.
I don't want to smoke alone.
Oh, come on. Are...
Really?
Gary, I'm bored.
Please, can we just forget it?
You've made your point.
There's Democrats
with calloused hands.
Gonna bode very well
for the midterms, I promise.
Now, can we just all go back
to Washington
and forget that we ever
made camp in a place
where the shit you skim
off milk is considered a food?
They are called cheese curds,
and they are delicious.
They're disgusting.
And you can't make poutine
without them.
- Come on. Please.
- Go.
You can go.
You don't have to be here.
I made these people a promise.
I'm a good person.
It's your last chance, Zim.
I'm gonna make
a big deal of this.
Tons of press, lots of money.
You're gonna lose,
and then you're gonna look
like a giant asshole.
Good. That's what I want.
Not the asshole but for you
to make a big deal of this.
I want it to be a big deal.
It is a big deal.
Well, let's make it
interesting.
Okay, why don't we?
The loser has to eat the
winner's pussy out for an hour.
You better grab a big old bib,
'cause it's chow time.
Dick chow time.
'Cause I'm gonna win,
- and you're gonna have to eat my dick for an hour.
- Wha...
And you know something?
That's a long time,
dick-eating-wise.
A long time!
To eat my dick.
In a dangerous world
gone mad...
we need emotionally stable
leadership.
Only Mayor Braun
is stable enough
to keep Deerlaken safe,
to keep Deerlaken Deerlaken.
I got you.
I'm Mayor Braun,
and I approve this message.
Here.
Paid for by
Traditional Wisconsin Families
for Faith and Freedom.
They've taken the office
just across from mine.
They're definitely ramping up,
so I'm gonna need
the full crew.
If Zimmer wants to take a stand
in Turdsville, USA,
I say we bury him here.
Sorry.
Not a turd.
Heart and soul of America.
Get me the nerdy guy
from analytics.
- Who's that?
- I don't know his name.
He wears glasses and plaid.
- Has a very complicated beard.
- Which one?
How the fuck does that
not narrow it down? I...
- God fucking damn it.
- What?
And send me everyone
by yesterday.
I'll get on it.
Sor... Hey, Dot.
- Gary.
- Hey, big guy?
- Yes.
- We got a problem.
What's up?
Having trouble
rounding up focus groups?
No.
Shh.
I don't even know what to say.
Hey, hey, everybody.
Do we know why we have dial-up
in this space?
Duffy had it upgraded
right before
he closed the shop.
Upgraded from what?
- Nothing.
- Well, is there any way
we can piggyback Wi-Fi
from someplace?
Uh, there's a place where the
kids go and they do homework
and they play games
and whatnot.
- I know the password.
- Okay.
- Solving problems.
- Nice!
Listen, I... I don't think
you're allowed to be here
unless you're on official
school business, so...
Okay, look, uh, Officer...
- Tommy.
- Officer Tommy.
Um, we are with
the Hastings campaign,
and we're trying to get
some work done here.
It's sort of time-sensitive.
So... um, okay, here we go.
Here is a pen.
- Okay.
- And...
- one of these beer thingies.
- Koozie.
Koozie, and, uh...
thank you for your service.
Oh, for God sakes.
Hello, boys.
Gentlemen, these are children!
- Hey. - Hi.
- Children!
- Great job, guys.
- And do you know what that looked like?
Sitting in your car?
A bunch of boys
on the computer?
No, no, no. Thank you.
So, I see they sprung you
from detention, huh?
Yeah, apparently,
small-town hospitality
doesn't apply to Wi-Fi.
They're not too keen
on strangers staking out
a school parking lot...
you know, kids and all.
Yeah, in hindsight,
that makes complete sense.
Mm-hmm.
Guys, could I talk to you
for a sec?
- Yeah.
- My office.
Come on in. Have a seat.
You can leave the door open.
Here's the deal.
Our opponents are pumping
way more into this
than I ever expected them to.
- Huh.
- This rinky-dink stuff is not gonna fly.
We need to up
our fundraising game.
Okay. That's...
Sure. Do you want to do, uh,
like, a street fair or...?
That's a good idea.
No, it's not a good idea.
Don't... No, we're not
gonna do that.
Have you ever been to New York?
Oh, my God, please unplug it.
Please unplug it.
Unplug it!
I'm just looking
at the guest list here.
Great. Great turnout.
Especially considering
the short notice.
Really good.
Mmm. You ever have
one of those?
Yeah, green beans.
Haricot vert.
Isn't that French
for "green beans"?
These are more delicate.
Thinner, more flavorful.
- I didn't know you spoke French.
- Mm.
Would you like something?
No, no.
This too loud?
Richard and Ginnie Peeler
are hosting.
He's a hedge fund swell.
She's been saving the Hudson
for about 25 years.
Richard Peeler. Yeah?
Got it.
Are you, like, 12?
It's not only that
the sand traps are deeper,
but the quality
of the sand at...
Excuse me. Gary! Hey.
Dick Peeler.
Gary, thank you for coming.
Oh, my pleasure.
Thanks for having us.
Well, we're
really, really excited.
We're excited. Jack! Jack!
I'd like you to meet
Richard Peeler.
- What an honor.
- Colonel Jack Hastings.
- Oh.
- Very nice to meet you.
- Thank you for... having us.
- Oh, it's really an honor.
- And, uh...
- Yeah.
No, it's, uh, you know,
the authentic thing here.
I see that. It's amazing.
Uh, can I get you
something to drink?
Sure. What would you like?
Uh, I'd like a little, uh, tea.
Chamomile if you have it.
All right.
That's fine.
You want a Scotch.
- Yes, please.
- Yes, I know that.
He's a criminal.
Oh, thank you.
He's a criminal.
Trust me,
I've done deals with him.
Our democracy is falling apart.
We're gonna lose it.
Tom Friedman had a great line.
I like to say he's
the Bitcoin of presidents.
Her whole dress line
was made in China.
The man is mentally ill.
Fuckface von Clownstick.
I'm mad? We should all be mad.
I mean, what kind
of person hunts elephants?
And there's not a whole lot
of the, um...
What did you call that?
- Uh, farm-to-table.
- The farm-to-table.
I mean, I guess
it all kind of, uh...
all goes from farms to tables
of some kind.
We're so excited
that you're all here.
And we are so thankful
to our old friend
for presenting us
with another informative and,
uh, just stimulating evening.
Oh.
You know him. You love him.
And sometimes hate.
- Hate writing the checks, but, uh, you know.
- Yeah.
- Gary.
- Thank you. Thanks so much.
Thanks for coming.
And thank you...
Keep that going
for the Peelers, please.
Their tremendous hospitality.
Listen, I'm not gonna take up
too much of your time
other than to say
thank you all for being here.
One thing I do want to say,
though, is that
Colonel Jack Hastings
is the embodiment
of America's real greatness.
Service to nation,
hard work, faith.
Republicans don't own
those values, do they?
They don't own 'em.
They can't.
Inclusion.
That's the most important
of all.
But sometimes,
we get comfortable
in our own little
ideological bubbles.
I see them.
You can't see them,
necessarily, but I see 'em.
There's a little bubble there.
There's a little bubble there.
And we forget to reach out.
To find empathy
and understanding
across religious or racial
or just plain geographical
boundaries.
And I hope tonight changes
that, even just a little bit.
So, without further ado,
I would like you to join me
in welcoming
the next mayor of
Deerlaken, Wisconsin,
Colonel Jack Hastings.
Hear, hear.
Uh, uh... thanks, folks.
And thanks to Gary
- and to the Peelers.
- Thank you.
Wow, this is a great house.
It's a great house.
Um...
I see some of you are...
wondering what I'm doing here.
And...
I think I'm wondering the same.
Uh...
I guess that's the point.
Without all this,
you might never have met me.
And I certainly
wouldn't have met you.
But...
...uh, now we have.
So, uh...
Um...
Colonel, Colonel.
- Yeah.
- Gary Zimmer from "The D.C. Bugle."
Um, why...
why should a bunch of uptight
Upper West Siders care about
a little town in Wisconsin?
Uh, it's hard to say.
I guess we're hurting,
looking for help from you.
What can we do to help?
I'll take that. Money.
Money.
It's a serious question,
actually.
You know,
our politics seem broken.
Colonel, what do you see is
the system's greatest weakness?
Hmm, well, I guess,
for one thing,
this.
Here, tonight.
And I mean no disrespect.
I just think
this seems a bit crazy.
I want to help my town.
I want to be mayor,
some town in the middle
of Wisconsin.
So, instead of being home
working on some smart things
to help my town,
I have to fly here to your town
and convince you
that my town's worth saving.
And that I'm worth it.
And that saving it
is worth it to you.
All so you can give me
some money.
Not for my town, but for me.
To help convince my town
that I'm worth it.
I mean...
I don't know,
it just sounds so stupid.
Still crying?
A little bit.
Mm.
You gonna do that
all the way home?
Yes.
Why?
Because the seat belt sign
is on
and I can't get up to hug you.
Damn, Jack.
You walked in there,
into the lion's den
like that...
Daniel.
Yeah, and just...
you told 'em, straight up,
this isn't right.
This is wrong.
The system is corrupt.
I'm out
of order? You're out of order.
The whole damn system's
out of order!
Attica! Att...
Money.
Oh, God, their money
is the problem?
Oh!
You should've seen their faces.
I saw.
They ate it up.
We could've named our price.
Oh, no way Faith matches.
- And why is that, now?
- Oh.
Because they're spending
to stop something,
and we're spending
to start something.
Hmm.
I'm mad as hell,
and I can't take it anymore!
Oh!
Gary, you... green bean?
No.
Okay. No, thank you.
Wow.
I'm telling you,
he is the real deal.
It is like a Bill Clinton
with impulse control.
Like a churchgoing
Bernie Sanders
with better bone density.
- He... Oh, here they are.
- Hello. Good morning.
Here they are.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the next mayor of Deerlaken
and his talented
first daughter.
- Please join me.
- You are fired up, huh?
I am fired...
Why wouldn't I be fired up?
I am working with the future
of the Democratic Party here.
Oh, your dad the other night
was transcendent.
He crushed it.
And because of that,
I'd like to show you
the fruits of your labor.
Because he was so good,
I was able to hire...
the "A" team.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm just kidding.
They're not the "A" team.
Not that you aren't great.
But this...
is the real "A" team.
I get it,
but what are the numbers?
- You know Kurt Lehman, polling and modeling.
- Oh, my God.
- Yes. Hi.
- Hi.
- He gives us a window into the electorate.
- Hi. - Hey.
- How are you?
- Best in the business.
When everyone was
predicting Hillary
in a landslide over Trump,
Kurt was the one guy
who had her
just barely beating him.
My models just picked up the
trend lines, so...
If the election had taken place
a month or two later...
My numbers would've been
100% on the money.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Impressive.
Well...
Well, he was the least wrong.
Tina Kuryev, analytics.
She gives us a window
into the voters.
Good to meet you, sir.
Oh. I thought, uh,
polling did that.
- It does.
- Well, he tells you how he thinks they feel.
I tell you how
they really feel.
- People are liars.
- Here we go.
He can tell you how often
people say they go to church.
She can tell you
if they actually go.
I can tell you
if God is in their hearts.
- Oh, my God.
- Tina's in online analytics.
Hey, can I just say...
we take deception into account,
too, okay?
Yeah, polling is
an art form, but,
you know, there's plenty
of science to back it up.
Says the guy
still calling landlines.
People tell computers
the truth, right?
Their desires,
their prejudices.
Every search,
every transaction...
it's an unguarded
private moment.
So there's no, uh,
margin of error, you know?
The digital footprint
is your true self.
But, surely,
people are more complicated
than their online transactions.
Well, says the woman
with three cats
and an intense search history
of the herpes virus.
One of the cats...
Is this legal?
Law enforcement
or in the eyes of God?
With two weeks to go
until election day,
we have an update
on the Deerlaken mayoral race.
The race between
Colonel Jack Hastings
and incumbent Mayor Billy Braun
is tightening.
Who here has been chosen
as 527s?
Raise your hands, please.
One, two, three, four. Good.
You all run super PACs now.
You are no longer associated
with this campaign.
And as such, it is time to move
to your super PAC location,
which is all the way
at the back of the room,
far, far away from the activity
of the campaign.
Right now?
I am not at liberty to say.
The campaign cannot coordinate
with the super PAC.
So...
After the meeting.
♪ You always won ♪
♪ Every time
you placed a bet... ♪
Get me that fucking sat truck!
Get it now! They're gonna
out-communicate us!
Here, we have an unusual
cluster of single women.
They're all gonna get pamphlets
saying that the mayor
is gonna repeal
the health care payment
for birth control.
What's this?
It's eight SMAWs.
Stay-at-home middle-aged women.
- 29 to 54.
- 29?
That's middle-aged?
Yes. Yes, it is.
You got to do it
on the adjective.
Safe streets.
It's not safe streets.
- Everybody wants safe streets!
- Safe... No, no, no.
Okay, that's coming off
a little angry.
Did you finish
those donor calls?
Yeah, just about.
I just always had a notion
that farmers had a...
I'm sorry, are...
are you clicking your heels?
Are you Dorothy?
Is there no place like home?
♪ Turning on the charm ♪
- ♪ Long enough to get you by ♪
- ♪ Still the same... ♪
America's greatness
and God's grace...
I'd go to battle
for those two any day.
Paid for by Wisconsinites
for Religiously Based
Compassionate Empathy.
Did you just sigh?
- Did he just sigh?
- Oh, I can't...
Don't even get me started
with sighing.
Now, here, this cluster in blue
have children,
so they're gonna get
pamphlets saying
"save our schools"
because it's 1950
and everybody loves pamphlets.
"Hi. My name is Jack.
I'm exasperated."
Why don't we move on
to the WoMAMs?
White middle-aged men.
♪ I had nothing left to say ♪
♪ 'Cause you're
still the same ♪
♪ Still the same ♪
♪ Baby, baby, still the same ♪
What's this?
Walt.
♪ You're still the same... ♪
Is that an acronym?
No, it is not.
Can I still bring baked goods
to the super PAC location?
No.
I'm Colonel Jack Hastings,
and I approve this message.
You want to come to Deerlaken,
you'll have to go through him.
Paid for by Powerful
Progressives for Strength.
- Thank you so much, sir.
- You're welcome.
Thank you so much
for your support.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
How the hell did she get the
bayou billionaires involved?
You okay?
Do you need some help?
- Just fine.
- You're good? Okay, thank you.
She must have promised
that they could have
the town smelted
after the election.
I'm just very impressed
with all this.
- You... you do the polling.
- Uh-huh. In fact...
There it is.
What is that?
No, who is that?
Elton Chambers.
The Rocket Man?
The billionaire
Rocket Man, yes.
Jesus Chr...
I thought he was dead.
- Well, he is dead.
- No, no, no.
A series of micro-strokes.
It's all good.
Sir Elton, thank you
so, so much for coming.
Everyone, this is
the great Sir Elton.
Let's get through
the pleasantries.
This is Jack Hastings
and his daughter Diana.
Hello to you.
All right, well,
let's get right to it, then.
Tell me, what is your position
concerning the settlement
of Kevyat Sharim?
Uh...
I'm not sure I...
Israel.
Jack believes
that sovereign nations
are entitled to self-defense.
Strongly?
Strongly believes, yes.
An election is a moral horror,
as bad as a battle
but without the blood.
That's George Bernard Shaw.
Get the car.
I think that went well.
Seemed like a really nice guy.
Actually looked
pretty good, right?
- Yeah.
- Surprisingly robust.
Elton Chambers is in.
- Oh.
- Ah. All right.
Making it rain.
He actually has a machine
that makes it rain.
This margin of error
is really shrinking.
Excuse me. Gary...
- Mr. Zimmer.
- Mm-mm.
- Becca, super PAC.
- Uh...
Okay.
- Uh, big guy?
- Hmm?
We got a problem.
Hey, everybody.
Hard at work, I see.
That's good.
That's good.
I had a couple of questions.
The first is: What the fuck?!
What tactical genius in here
thought it might be a good idea
to carpet-bomb
a particular neighborhood
in this town
with flyers suggesting
that Colonel Jack Hastings
- would make sure...
- Fuck.
- ...that contraception
is paid for by the government?
Uh, I did.
- Oh.
- The data showed an
unusually concentrated grouping
of single women in the area
who are deeply interested
in reproductive rights.
And you know why that is?
Well, "why" is not really...
Because this "concentrated
grouping of single women,"
as you put it, is a convent.
They are nuns.
Which is how many of them are
going to end up voting for us.
"Nuns" of them. Zero.
It's not funny.
I'm not laughing.
Fuck.
Well, I think we can
appreciate the humor
in this very honest mistake.
And the fact that the nuns
are generously turning
the other cheek
makes it a nonstory, but...
Brooke, Brooke, if I may.
Uh, this is really just
another perfect example
of the D.C. elite coming into
a place they don't understand
and trying to dictate
how we should live.
The Democrat Party can't win.
They're getting desperate.
They don't know us,
they don't want to know us,
- and they look down on our values.
- No, no.
That's "we." You're D.C. elite.
Oh, no, actually,
I'm from here.
Faith, I didn't know that.
- You're from Wisconsin?
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well, no, "Deer-lake-en."
I'm from "Deer-lake-en."
- What? Whoa.
- Oh. Wow.
So this campaign has been
a bit of a homecoming.
- It really is, Brooke. Thank you.
- No, no.
No, no, that's a lie.
That's a lie.
- No, it's...
- You're lying.
- It's-it's the truth.
- She's ly... That's...
- I'm from here.
- No, that... What are you even doing?
- Okay.
- I-I am from here.
- You're not from here!
- Well, as always, a great
- and spirited discussion.
- Thank you so much.
- No, hey! No, no, no, no. She's lying.
- Thank you both.
- Unfortunately, we have to leave it there.
- She' a li...
Coming up, we'll look at more
of this year's hot races
and how those will affect races
four years from now.
Why do you even lie
about something like that?
Honestly, I, uh...
I don't even know.
"I... I don't even know."
Wh-What do you mean,
you don't know?
You can't just lie
about something like that.
You just walk away?
You just told America that
you're from "Deer-lake-en"?
That's not even
how you pronounce it!
"Deer-lake-en," my ass.
Oh, my God.
She's a fucking genius!
Oh!
Oh, my God, I hate her so much.
I hate her. I hate her.
She said it,
and now it's the truth.
Fuck me.
Another round, guys?
Okay.
Goddamn it.
You're killing me.
That's good. Yeah.
Come on.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, Mikes!
How you doing, guys?
Hello, everybody.
- Hey, big guy.
- Hey, Gary. Um...
- Burger and a Bud.
- Oh, thank you very much.
You know, that looks great.
Uh, can I have one of those?
No.
What you guys doing?
Looking at some ads?
Yeah, they're just
taking me through it.
Bio. Very nice.
Education. That's important.
Hey, are we sure that we want
to be doing this here
and not in Faith's room
or the mayor's office?
Because right now I'm not sure
that our opposition knows
exactly what we're about to do.
And that seems unfair.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't put 'em away
on my account.
Why don't we got one of
those overhead projectors
- that you have at a bowling alley?
- Stop.
- Kurt, you don't have to leave.
- So everybody here can see it.
Wouldn't that be good?
Kurt, come on.
Mmm!
Why do you talk
to them like that?
Like what?
Like that.
Like they're idiots.
Well...
Listen.
I saw some polls.
If we don't
figure this out soon,
there's no way
we're gonna beat her.
- Our demographics are so...
- "Her"?
- Who?
- Her.
I mean, you said,
if we don't figure it out soon,
we're not gonna be able
to beat her.
We're not gonna beat
her candidate, Braun.
Mayor Braun.
Herr... Herr Braun.
Herr, her. Same thing.
Mm-hmm.
Look, Gary, I don't, um,
really understand
how you guys do things in D.C.,
but if you're gonna work
for my father,
you need to treat people
with respect.
- With. With.
- What?
Work with your father, not for.
You said "for."
It's a semantic thing, but...
it's... you know,
it's an important distinction.
Just so you know,
they don't actually serve
hamburgers and Budweiser here,
'cause it's a hofbrau house,
so they would serve
German food and German beers.
They've been patronizing you.
Just so you know, I don't even
like hamburgers or Budweiser,
so I've been
patronizing them...
- the whole time.
- Okay. Ah.
Did a little switcheroo.
Oh, and just so you know,
congratulations.
Our campaign made the paper.
Oh, God.
She's so pretty.
I bet she smells
like Pop-Tarts.
Is he still looking?
Now, Colonel Jack Hastings.
- Mm-hmm. Absolutely.
- Military man.
- From the heartland.
- Yep.
No greater place in America.
- No, no.
- Am I right?
- Nope.
- He is now part of the loony left.
No, not just the loony left.
He's not just a Democrat.
- No.
- He has joined the...
- Squad.
- Socialism. - Mm-hmm.
Socialism. Hmm.
Do you think
it hurts our military
to have one of their own
throw in with the Democrats?
I know that if I had served,
I wouldn't like it.
Mm. Yeah.
Wow, that was a harsh segment.
Cutting but fair.
It's like I wrote it myself
last night and sent it to them
and they read it verbatim
like a scene.
Go to bed.
What is this?
What am I looking at?
Those are the...
Why are we being outspent
three-to-one?
And how do white women
not realize
they're backing
the wrong horse?
These numbers
aren't solidified.
Yeah, well, you got to
make it happen,
or you got to find me
some more fucking Hispanics.
Where are my
fucking Hispanics?!
I need some more fucking Hispanics, Kurt!
Hey, everybody.
Listen.
I am profoundly disappointed
in the comments
that I just made.
My words and/or actions
do not represent
who I am as a person and...
- Teachable moment.
- It is a teachable moment.
It's something I think
we can all learn from.
And in that way, I feel like
I have given you a gift.
- You have my heart.
- And from this moment on,
I vow to make this office
a color- and gender-neutral
work environment.
That is my...
Are you gonna get that?
Ringing off the fucking hook.
A hundred percent.
What do you mean, you're sure?
I'm sure.
You're sure,
or you're just pretty sure?
- 100% sure.
- Okay.
Okay, Tina. Better not be
another nun situation.
It's not.
Hey. Is your dad here?
Yeah. Dad!
- Yeah?
- Come on in, Colonel.
So, um, we can't win.
The people in this town
are pretty set in their ways.
And we lost the eight nuns.
That wasn't good.
So, we can't win.
Uh... y-you know,
we appreciate all you done.
I mean, the campaign and, uh...
I'm just sorry
we let you down, but...
well, all I can say
is thank you.
Really, Gary,
thank you for everything.
It was a hell of a ride.
Are you shitting me?
All I have to say is
we can't win,
and you're-you're through,
you're out.
- You said we can't win.
- Unless.
We can't win unless...
You didn't let me finish.
We can't win unless
it turns out that this town
isn't the Mayberry
everybody thinks it is.
I just got a little piece
of intel
that's kind of intriguing.
So, the mayor's brother Ziggy,
he had an Oxy problem.
Well, he was a roofer
and got hurt on the job.
Yes, well,
what you might not know
is that the mayor
pulled some strings,
kept him out of jail,
got him into rehab.
That is abuse of power,
nepotism.
- Probably some clerical shit in there.
- Come on.
Gary.
But we're the good guys, right?
Yeah, we're the good guys.
When they go low...
We go high.
Unless we also need to go low,
apparently.
Only to keep those who
would go lower out of power.
So, when they go low,
we go higher,
incrementally, in relation
to how low they went.
Regrettably, yes.
When they go low,
we go almost as low,
but we feel worse doing it.
You think they thought twice
about making your dad
look like a PTS nutcase?
And I'm going low because
I'm gonna tell the truth
about the mayor?
His brother's fragile, Gary.
This town is fragile.
The whole area is fragile.
Our democracy.
Stop.
We're not doing it.
Okay?
People are gonna get hurt.
I'm sorry... I really am...
but sometimes good people
have to do shitty things
in service of the greater good.
Isn't that right, Colonel?
Hey.
Hey.
Yeah?
Gary, stop.
What?
Is this politics?
It's not politics anymore,
Diana.
It's... it's math.
That's what an election is.
It's just math.
We need what they get plus one.
That's all.
And if I can't get that
by getting more people
to vote for your dad,
then I have to get fewer people
to vote for Braun.
Hi.
- Come on in.
- Thank you.
I'm so sorry.
I... I'm pulling the plug.
- Hey, hey.
- I mean, we have the money we need.
We have more than
we would need.
And this would...
destroy your brother.
- And I'm just so sorry.
- Hey.
You have nothing
to be sorry for.
You saved us, Diana.
- Mm-hmm.
- This place was done.
Just another town in the middle
of nowhere, going nowhere.
And everyone agreed...
yours was the best idea we had.
Unless you want to go back
to the two Mikes' idea of...
ostrich meat farms.
Diana, you moving back here,
caring so much...
I mean, this whole thing...
Well, I just know
how proud of you your dad is
and how proud
your mom would be.
And how grateful
every single one of us are
for what you've done
and everything you've given.
It's working.
Okay.
What do we do about Gary?
Whatever Gary thinks he's got,
why don't we just give him
something better?
Hmm.
No, forget the rehab thing.
This is bigger. Obviously, you
can't use my name, so just...
"Senior official
with inside knowledge
of campaign strategy."
Yes, you are welcome.
Tell me they're running it.
- They are running it.
- Oh, yeah, baby!
- Shit's gonna hit the fan.
- Oh, it feels good.
Now, the word of the day
is "disappointed."
We are not mad at the mayor.
We are not shocked.
- We're just disappointed.
- Yeah, I am disappointed.
- I'm disappointed, too.
- I mean, it's disappointing.
- It is. You know what, he's the mayor.
- He betrayed us.
He betrayed us,
and it's disappointing.
- I'm hurt.
- But I'm not mad.
- No, I'm just disappointed.
- Me, too.
Tonight, we have this picture
of the alleged
ten-year-old love child
of the Wisconsin mayor
and the girl's mother.
We've obscured the child's face
to protect her identity
but left enough clues
so that you can probably
figure it out.
To discuss this
important, late-breaking story,
we go to our panel
with a feature
you'll only see here on CNN:
the Duodecabox.
What do you think,
Phil, Diane, Liz, Carl,
Barbara and... let's say Craig?
Kaylee?
- Kaylee.
- Y-Yeah.
- Can you clean this up, please?
- Oh, sure.
It was an accident
with the sandwich. Thank you.
Hey, man.
Can I talk to you
about white power?
Yeah, guns save lives.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you.
It has been
a hard-fought campaign,
but now it's in the hands
of the voters.
And excuse me... there's
the Colonel right there.
Colonel, come on in.
- Diana.
- Hi. - Hi. Good morning.
Did you get some rest?
Yeah, we got a little bit.
- Excuse us, folks.
- Good morning. Good morning.
Excuse us. Excuse us.
There he is.
- Billy. Hey.
- Colonel, good to see you, sir.
- How are you? How are you?
- Good to see you.
How about a picture?
All righty.
Come on. Come on.
- Let's go. Let's go.
- Thank you.
Oh, make sure you get
this guy's I.D.
Okay.
Billy, we're just talking
to Fox. Just Fox.
- Hello. Good morning.
- Good morning, Jack.
- Sign right there.
- Yeah. All right.
Your dad is really something.
- Yeah.
- He's done a great job.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Go over here?
So have you.
Thank you for everything.
- It's been...
- My pleasure.
- So...
- I was thinking, maybe later,
if you want to watch
the returns come in?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd love to.
Oh. Oh, shoot.
You know what? I have to
head back to the farm,
- but I'll see you later, okay?
- Okay.
Okay.
Diana, aren't you gonna vote?
Nothing?
- No early returns?
- Nothing.
- What about exit polling?
- No exit polling.
Well, is there
another precinct?
No.
Well, where else can they vote?
Well, they can't vote
anywhere else.
Was it all early voting?
No early voting, no.
Nothing.
What do you mean,
nobody has voted yet?
Uh, big guy.
You're gonna want to see this.
...smear Mayor Braun
with the falsehood
of an illegitimate child.
Which, as the report
you just read stated,
is actually the man's
dear niece.
Has the Hastings campaign
apologized?
Uh, no, they haven't,
and it-it's too late for that.
- Oh, fuck!
- Mayor Braun continues to
focus on the issues.
And quite frankly, Brooke,
the media owes the mayor
an apology, as well,
for credulously covering
a poorly sourced story.
Faith! Congratulations.
Well done.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- A new low.
Oh, yeah, like I leaked
a cocked-up story
about a bastard child
who happens to be
the man's fucking niece.
- Please, Gary.
- You fed me that bullshit.
You know, go fuck yourself.
- You go fuck yourself.
- You go fuck your...
Okay, you two.
Unfortunately, we're gonna
have to leave it there.
Thank you so much, Brooke.
- Thank you so much.
- Thanks, Brooke.
- Thank you.
- We're clear.
Why would I leak this? Huh?
Oh, to just make me
take the bait.
You didn't just want to win.
You wanted to castrate me,
didn't you?
If I wanted to cut
your dick off,
I would have done it
in front of you
just to see the last look
of horror in your eyes.
You're telling the truth.
No shit.
What the fuck is going on here?
Evan?
What...
Evan.
Evan, oh, my God.
- What's up, Becca?
- How the hell are you?
- Hiya. Nice to see you.
- Good to see you.
- How's everything?
- Yeah, I mean, it's going.
What the hell?
How the hell does he know her?
Is he from here?
Gary, look at his shoes.
I mean, really.
And we have Alan to thank
for bringing this man
- to our attention.
- It's Evan.
Did I happen to mention that...
Holy shit.
- What? What?
- Come on!
So, with 100%
of the vote counted,
the mayoral race is tied.
One vote to one vote.
No.
Okay, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hold on. I, uh...
I don't...
I don't know exactly
what's going on here,
but it's weird.
Could somebody please
explain to me
- what's happening?
- Well, we had an election.
- Yes, I know that.
- And we gave it our best.
Just didn't work out.
Didn't work out, Jack?
Come on.
Do you know how much money
we invested in this?
Yeah, if the news media
is to be believed,
more than $45 million was
raised between the two of you.
Oh, shit.
Did you sucker me, Jack?
I guess.
You know what? Folks, sorry,
but I'm getting
all that money back.
From where?
We put millions
into those PACs.
Well, campaign finance law says
that money needn't be
accounted for.
Oh, my God.
I got to give it to this place.
Hey, Alan.
Uh, it's Evan.
Shit weasel.
You're from this town,
aren't you?
- Yeah.
- You set this whole thing up.
You set me up, huh?
You are so fired,
and you're going to jail!
Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.
It was me. I did it.
You?
Wh...
Why?
You know...
it was just
this weird idea I had
'cause the town needed money.
So you...
Uh, shot the video,
and then had Evan
show it to you.
Uh, I...
We needed 750 grand
over three years
to keep the school
from closing down.
We blew way past that.
We got enough to buy back
the base, redevelop it.
And the speech,
the viral speech?
Can I get a motion to vote?
Actually,
I'm here about that...
Fuck, what's the word?
Resolution.
- I'll get it.
- Mike, do you want to help him and...
Yeah.
Just have it low enough.
Just leave enough room
for that road sign in there.
- Uh, am I supposed to have these on?
- No glasses.
I'm lost.
Okay, Dad, that's good,
but you have to leave after.
All right, one more time.
I guess they weren't
principles.
They're just hobbies.
Holy shit, I think we got it.
Oh, thank God.
That was really just
baiting the hook.
You guys took it from there.
I was never expecting her.
Oh, I had a fucking blast.
So you used me.
We used you?
You guys only show up here
once every four years,
and only then
'cause it's a swing state.
And then, when it's over,
you're gone.
But we're still here
with all the same problems
we had before,
just waiting around
for you to come back
and make the same
empty promises as last time.
We used the system.
You make millions of dollars
funneling tens of millions
of dollars
into this election economy.
All we did is take a cut.
Hmm.
Well...
I guess I just...
I thought that maybe you and I
had a little something.
I'm 28. I mean...
In what world
would this be okay?
D.C. and L.A.,
parts of New York,
- Miami, maybe Dallas.
- Mm.
Look...
- It wasn't personal.
- Mm.
It was math.
Math.
But this system,
the way we elect people,
it's terrifying.
And exhausting.
And I think it's
driving us all insane.
You know what
the real problem here
is that the media
is completely complicit
- in this sort of thing.
- Oh, I absolutely agree.
I mean, it's like
Neil Postman said...
in entertaining ourselves,
- news has become entertainment.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- And when that happens... it's gone.
- Yeah.
I thought he knew.
I mean, I would get so nervous
- every time he would come in. I would just, like...
- Oh, no.
I couldn't get
my coffee order right,
and I was giving him
the wrong thing.
Oh, you were great.
You were perfect.
Plus, you know, he has,
you know,
dreamy eyes a little bit,
so, I mean...
- Yeah.
- He's-he's dashing.
He actually made me cry.
- He was, like, a shithead.
- Yeah.
It metastasizes,
so it-it's growing
- and-and whatever, so...
- Yeah.
Well, it becomes...
it's sort of like
any sort of
autoimmune disorder.
- Yeah.
- It's like... it's like lupus.
Know what I mean?
That's actually
a really great metaphor.
- That's... that's like...
- It's a simile.
- 'Cause you said...
- 'Cause I said...
- I said it's "like."
- You said it's "like."
Yeah, right.
It's like lupus.
What a clusterfuck.
Amen.
How we looking?
Well, they're saying
these, uh, back acres
are gonna become the over-55
community health center.
- Uh-huh.
- Madison has promised
a satellite campus
for the front.
Okay. And you know
that we have to redo
the septic on the back 50?
- We heard all about it.
- Okay.
Hey, you.
Oh, hey, you.
She is something, huh?
Are you listening to me?
Are you listening to me?
Are you listening to me?
Oh, Gary, honey.
I'm just so excited.
I can't wait till we get
the café tables in.
I think people are really gonna
like those a lot, you know?
- And then we can put the umbrellas up.
- Mm-hmm.
And people can just sit outside
and have coffee and...
You know.
Are you...
are you listening to me?
- Mm-hmm, mm...
- Are you listening to me?
Hey, fuckup. Hey, fuckup.
- Are you listening to me?
- Yes, yes, yes.
I'm listening to you.
You don't open a dossier
for less than $2 million.
I know. That's what I'm talking
to them about right now.
$2 million.
God, I hate you.
Ditto.
Gary?
Gary, you there?
Gary?
Yo, Gary.
Ah, cheers!
Colonel Jack Hastings,
Deerlaken...
did the media fall
for a false narrative
just because it fit
into our preconceived notion
of the divide of this country
between red and blue
without actually
checking the facts?
Were we irresponsible?
Well, we're the news.
Are we not supposed to
cover the news?
I mean, these are
newsworthy stories.
We're absolutely in the right
to cover them.
It is literally our job
to cover the news.
But isn't there a way
to report the news
without so much speculation,
without a false sense
of urgency
that causes us to
breathlessly report "facts"
that maybe are not facts?
And are we framing
these stories
on an artificial
right-left axis
because that's how
our pundit economy is set up?
Is there a better way
to do this?
I'm just kidding.
Unfortunately,
we have to leave it there.
- Thank you all for watching.
- She's...
She's good.
♪ Talking like we used to do ♪
♪ It was always me and you ♪
♪ Hold on, darling ♪
♪ This body is yours ♪
♪ This body is yours and mine ♪
♪ Well, hold on, my darling ♪
♪ This mess was yours ♪
♪ Now your mess is mine ♪
♪ Ah-ooh ♪
♪ Your mess is mine ♪
♪ See you in
the marketplace... ♪
Could something
like this happen?
Legally, this could
absolutely happen.
Somebody could create
a political organization...
so-called outside group,
a super PAC, 527...
raise an unlimited
amount of money,
and then choose
to give that money
to another organization,
a charity,
and use it for public purposes.
And you don't need
the donors' consent to do that.
The problem we have is that
none of the pieces of
the system are working today.
You have regulators like
the Federal Election Commission
that don't have a quorum,
can't meet,
and when they do, they disagree
on what the law is.
You have Congress deadlocked
so it can't rewrite the laws.
You have the Supreme Court
that thinks that
almost nothing is corrupt
and that citizens won't think
the sale of access...
what the court calls
ingratiation
in return for giving money
to candidates... is a problem.
So, to sum up,
we currently have
hundreds of millions
to billions of dollars
that is, uh, uh, untraceable,
uh, that can pour into groups
that are actually coordinating
with-with candidates
who end up having to spend
a good amount of their time
raising more and more money
to keep up
with the arms race
that is occurring.
Uh, the money continues
to pour in and corrupt
not just where
they spend their time
and how they spend their time
but on the types of legislation
that they would even bring
to the fore.
And the one group
that would be charged
with regulating, uh,
this spigot, uh, doesn't meet
'cause there aren't
enough of them.
Yes.
I realize that's not helpful
to you, but...
It is very helpful.
Thank you.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Your mess is mine ♪
♪ Your mess is mine. ♪