Instant Family (2018) - full transcript

A couple find themselves in over their heads when they foster three children.

Subtitles by explosiveskull

- You bought this?
- Yeah.

- And it's ours now. We own this.
- Mm-hmm.

- I love it.
- Right?

What'd I tell you? The
fireplace, the built-ins here.

Are you sure you want to
give this to your sister?

Babe, we'd make 100K
off this flip all day long.

- Trying to make up...
- This is it?

- Hey, yeah. Come in.
- You guys made me ask off an hour early to see this dump?

- We're all smelling this, right?
- Yeah, it smells like I'm breathing piss.

Okay. Not a good fit.
So we'll just go.

- Come on.
- Come on. Have a little vision.

French doors to the garden.

We move the stairs,
take these walls down,

create an open concept
through the kitchen.

There's a gorgeous stained glass here in
the corner. The bones are really good.

When's the part we cough up 12 grand
to fix the rotted-out foundation?

Clearly, it's not for them.
Let's just flip this one, El.

There's a park
across the street.

And the schools here are
fantastic if you have a baby.

When. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Kimmy.

When you have a baby.

We're having a baby.
We are having a baby.

You see that? That's called
manifesting to the universe.

Sometimes the universe thinks it's funny
if I drop $26,000 on in vitro first.

- Oh! You're a dick.
- I'm kidding.

If this place is so great, why
don't you guys move in here?

What are they gonna do with
five bedrooms and a park?

They're obviously
never having kids.

Look at 'em. They don't have
any emotional holes to fill.

Not that we are
doing it to fill...

- Shut up, Russ.
- All right.

- What was that look?
- What look?

He just said you guys were never gonna
have kids. Then you did a definite look.

Yeah, what was the look for? You looked
back at me to include me in your look.

- I didn't do a look.
- Totally did a look.

- It wasn't a look.
- I think we just started some trouble.

- There's no trouble.
- Maybe even a fight.

- There's no fight. There's no trouble.
- Let's get out of here.

Oh, my God. You guys are gonna
have kids now, aren't you?

No. What? Kimmy.
I don't know. What?

Of course you are, because
you have to win at everything.

Then you're gonna throw your
perfect uterus in my face too.

How do you know my uterus is perfect?
We've never even tried to have kids.

I don't know
if I can get pregnant.

Of course it is perfect.
It is yours.

- Kimmy.
- It probably has a leather interior.

Please, Kimmy.
You just got here.

Sorry, Petey.
Have a good fight.

See you later, Russ.

- I didn't do a look.
- You're doing a look right now.

There's no look.
You're doing a look.

All right,
maybe I did do a look.

But just hearing him say it out
loud: "We're never having children."

I mean, is that true?

I quit bringing it up because every time
I did, you'd say it's not the right time.

I know, but we were
always so broke.

And then we were going crazy
trying to get the business started.

We've flipped five houses this year, and
I'm starting to turn down design work.

I always thought that
I'd be a mom someday.

- I think I'm ready.
- Great. Now you're ready.

And by the time the kid's 16, I'm
gonna be one of those old dads,

like Brian Hendrickson's dad.

- Hey, Dad.
- What's up, Son?

Hey, Mr. Hendrickson,
go long!


You killed my dad!

Hey. Hey, Dad. Wake up, wake up.
Wake up!

You did not kill
Mr. Hendrickson.

And you're not
that old.

Here's an idea. What if
we adopt a five-year-old?

It'd be like I got cracking when I was 36.
How about that?

Keep your end straight,
will you?

Look, you're overthinking it, bro.
None of my kids were planned.

Kid shows up, you figure it out.

- How many kids you got now, Stu?
- Number four's in the oven right now.

- Wow.
- Nothing hard about kids.

As long as you spend some time
with them, they're cool.

Most important thing, make
sure the moms all get along.

Meatball. Hey! Hey, buddy!

Hey. You miss me?

Oh! That's my boy. You missed me, huh?
I missed you too.

Yeah. You're such a good boy.

Hey, El. I got the towel samples
you wanted for the kitchen.

El, you okay?

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing. I was just thinking about what
you said about adopting a five-year-old.

- I said that?
- Yeah.

- I was totally... I was joking.
- I know. It's kind of crazy.

But it just got me thinking. And
there's so many kids in foster care.

And they're moving from place to
place, and they don't have anybody,

and it's like the saddest thing
I've ever seen.

I found this adoption agency. They're
having an orientation next week.

No, don't show me that. I don't
want to see those little faces.

You trying to break my heart?
I just got home from work.

Ellie, people who take in
foster kids are really special.

These are the kind of people who
volunteer when it's not even a holiday.

We don't even volunteer
on a holiday.

What if there was,
like, a disaster?

- What, like a dirty bomb?
- Whatever.

And there's a little kid
who ends up on our doorstep.

Are we gonna turn her away
because we're not special enough?

That would depend. There's a
lot of factors that go into it.

I mean, our food rations,
the blast radius.

El, you can't take
some offhanded remark I made

and turn it into
a crazy life decision.

It was a joke.


I know. I just...

You're right. You shouldn't be pushed
into something you don't want to do.

It was just a nice thought.

Good night.

All right, I won't make
any more jokes like that.

All right?

You wanna watch
a little Fixer Upper?

- Okay, I love you.
- I love you.

That's a long fill-up, my friend.

Well, that's because
I wanted you to come in here.

We're gonna have a karate kicking contest.
Me versus you, straight up.

Oh, God.

It's not fair.
That is not...


You can't buy these pita chips anymore.
They're way too spicy.

I'm getting my nose watery

Over a half million children
are currently in foster care.

The system is overloaded,

It doesn't need
any more kids.

So for a child to be removed,
conditions have to be pretty bleak,

usually involving abuse
or extreme neglect.

And some of these kids can
often languish in the system,

unless a wonderful family
like yours steps up for them.

We'll step up.
We'll take one right away.

Perfect. Let me go check in
back, see what we have in stock.

She is kidding, of course.

We do not stock.

And you know that.

But we can take you through the
eight-week foster parenting course,

and you can get
your certification.

And then we can pair you with
some kids that you can foster

until they become adoptable.

But it is not gonna
be easy, folks.

These kids
will test your will,

put a strain
on your relationship,

and push buttons you
didn't even know you had.

I can tell by looking at you that
not all y'all are gonna make it.

I actually think this group has
got the grit to face some unpleasant...

- Excuse me.
- Y-You guys heading out?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Well, thank you. Bye-bye.

- All right, that one's on me.
- It absolutely is.

- We've gone over this before.
- We have.

- This is a problem.
- It's a problem.

Okay, everybody, why
don't we learn your names

and what type of children
you're looking for.

Oh, hi.

We're Dana
and Dirk McCann.

And the Lord
has guided us here

to adopt a baby boy...
or a girl.

- Yeah, the big guy, he's blessed us with so much.
- Mm-hmm.

- We'd just like to share it with a child that needs a home.
- Yeah.

What about over here?

I'm David, and this
is my wife, Jessie.

And we've been trying to have
a baby for three years now.

But no matter what we do,
I... I can't...

- I'm sorry. Can someone else go?
- It's okay.

It's okay. Well, I'm Kit
and this is Michael.

We've also been trying
to conceive now.

Pretty much since the first night we met, right?

That is correct. We're
just not having any luck.

We're looking for a child of any gender
or ethnicity up to nine years old.

Hello. My name is
October Ross Jennings.

And I would like to be the single mother
of an athletically gifted teen boy

who I can help to reach his full
Division One scholarship potential.

Preferably African-American.

- Mm-hmm.
- Right?

Like The Blind Side. Like the movie.
Right? That's great.

she's not joking.

A-Are you jo... You're not joking?
My God. I'm so sorry.

I just thought 'cause of the gay
guys' conceiving joke that we were...

I mean, that is the plot
of The Blind Side, so...

I've never seen it. So, please, it's your
turn. Just do not talk to me anymore.

Yeah, she's nuts.

I'm so sorry.
I feel terrible. I, uh...

So, my name's Ellie. Hi.
This is my husband, Pete.

Uh, yeah, I mean, I'm not
too sure about any of this.

I mean, I get it. We adopted our dog
Meatball, and we love him like crazy, but...

- Don't compare kids to dogs.
- I'm not.

I'm just saying there used to be a stigma
about getting a dog from the pound,

but now they're called rescue
dogs and everybody wants one.

Don't say "pound," don't
say "dog." Just don't.

Okay, no, that's not...

It's just all of this
is a little scary, right?

- But maybe if you call them rescue kids...
- Oh, my God.

...instead of foster kids,
more people would be into it

and people wouldn't walk out
in the middle of your seminar

- and it'd be good for your program.
- Pete! Pete!

- I'm just saying...
- Just stop it!

Oh, everyone, our guest
speaker of the day,

Brenda Fernandez
and her parents.

Let's make them
feel welcome.


Hey, thank you.


So, when I was
eight years old,

my mom and her boyfriend
decided it would be a good idea

to build a meth lab
in our garage.

They made me
deliver drugs for them.

They abused me physically, and some
of their customers abused me sexually.

Uh, when I was 11,
our garage exploded,

and I was put
in the system,

bounced around
from placement to placement.

Pretty soon I was 14.

Nobody wants a teenager, so I'd
be aging out in a few years.

The thing is, over half the kids
who age out of foster care

end up homeless, addicted,
incarcerated, or dead within two years.

That was gonna be me,
trying to start my adult life,

but with no family
to help me pick a college,

nobody to come home to
on the holidays

or cry to when my first boyfriend
dumped me for Missy Howard.

But then those two... very
special people came along.

And I didn't make it easy
on them.

But no matter how hard
I pushed them away,

they were always there
with a sack lunch and a ride.

Thanks, you guys.

Come here, Daddy.
You too, Mama.

That was good.

I am so sorry about
the Blind Side comment.

I love the movie.

Bye, Brenda. Great job. Amazing.
All right, Kit, bye.

Dirk. We'll see you in the classes, buddy.
Bye, guys. Hey.

- So now you think we're special enough?
- Maybe we are.

I mean, this is what we do.

We see potential in things, we fix 'em up.
Like they did.

They find this kid
in a state of disrepair,

they give her a new coat of paint,
scrape off her emotional popcorn ceiling,

install some countertops in the form
of love or self-esteem, whatever.

I'm not saying she's a house like the
way I said the dog thing in there,

but I think
we're perfect for this.

But she's really...
she's not a house, Pete.

- I just said she's not a house. Are you listening to me?
- Okay. No, I am.

I'm so exci...
Are you excited?

I just get worried

that you think things are gonna
be easier than they actually are.

- What? I do not.
- You do.

This whole thing was your idea. Now
I'm pumped about it, and you're not?

- No, no, I am pumped.
- Well, you don't look pumped.

A big, life-altering moment
like this, you gotta get pumped.

We're about to do
something insane.

- Did you hear her speak?
- Yes.

- It was the greatest thing I've ever heard.
- I know.

- Come on, cowgirl, let me get a "yee-haw."
- Yee-haw.

No, bull. Gimme one. Yee-haw!

Louder. Crazier. Come on. Come on!
You're about to be a mom!


Add a balloon, El.

Okay, have a seat.

Time's up.

These are
your fantasy kids.

They are not
your real children.

Come on, Jessie.
You're losing her.

Pete. Pete, Pete!
Ticktock, muscle man.

That's not gonna bring him back from
that peanut butter sandwich you fed him.

Your real kids will be very different.
Can't erase 'em.

Good job, Michael.

All right, October.

I'm calling it.
Yours is dead.

All there?

Time to erase
these ideals right now.

Almost done.

- Almost done.
- Okay. Okay.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

All right, everybody,
I want you all to imagine

you got this plush new job.

They give you
a nice big office.

There's a gym and a frozen yogurt
machine right there in the break room.

I love frozen yogurt.

But deep down,
you know you're not qualified.

In your heart of hearts,

you know you're not good enough
and you are going to get fired.


The same way you got fired
from your last three jobs.

And you might quit
just to get some control back.

Hell, you might even tip over
that damn yogurt machine

and walk your ass
right on out of there.

Just to clarify,

Karen is not advocating
vandalism in the workplace.

The point is,
that it's the same...

for a displaced child...

who knows...
that you don't want her.

Except instead of

the loss of a job,

she's losing her connection

with everything
and everyone.

But the one connection

that can remain

is between siblings.

Sometimes it's easier
for sibs to adjust

because they're not going
through it all alone.

You might want to consider
upgrading to a sibling set.

Would you consider siblings?

The big guy
might smile on that.

Um, w-we'd have to...

- We'd pray on that.
- Right, honey. Yeah.

- Pray on it.
- The big guy wouldn't give you any more than you can handle.

I beg to differ.

- Pete. Ellie.
- Hey.

- You made it.
- Hi.

Just sign in,
and take this form with you

and write down the name of any kid
you meet you might be interested in.

That's how this works?

Yeah, it can feel a little
like shopping for kids.

It's messed up, I know,
but the county puts these on

because they can match a lot
of kids and parents quickly.

God, look at the big kids
over there.

Breaks my heart.

Most folks want nothing
to do with teenagers.

Of course, if you two thought you
could make room for an older child...

- Um, I mean...
- I... Oh, God.

I'm so sor... We... We're
terrible people. I'm sorry.

You're not terrible. Now get on in
there and find you a family. Go on.

God, it's so weird.

Normally, you go out and chat up some random
kid in a park and you're gonna get arrested.

- Now we're just supposed to?
- I know.

This little guy's all by himself.
You want to go say hi?

Yeah. Okay.

- Excuse me. Sorry. So sorry. Occupied.
- Hey! Sorry.

Occupied! Sorry!

We just went to get treats. So,
yeah, just back it up. Okay?

- Hey, look, we got some snacks.
- Come on, Lucas, right over here.

Hey. Excuse me!
Heads up!


Never mind. Thanks.

You just take it and try
to throw it into his mouth.

You want to have a go?


Nice to meet you.

- Get it?
- Oh, yeah. Bring her in!

Yeah... Whoa! Oh!

Hey. You gotta wait for your turn, buddy.

- I'm sorry.
- Let's... Let's just go. Let's just go.

Pete. Ellie.

- How's it going?
- Hey.

Yeah, well...
it's a little weird.

Yeah, these things
can be kind of awkward.

But did you meet any kids
that you're curious about?

We met one little girl
who was sitting all by herself.

Very sweet, a little guarded. Kind
of had a little wall around her.

Really small for her age too. Maybe
a fetal alcohol thing or something.

I saw her...
Oh, right there.

The little sad-looking one
with pigtails

who seems like she's been chained
to a radiator half her life.

- Uh, that's my daughter.
- The radiator kid?


That's my daughter.

I'm so sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.
I'm really proud of her.

The reason she's sitting away from
others is because she has a family,

a very happy family.

And I didn't drink a drop when I was
pregnant. Nor do I have a radiator.

- Of course. You should be really proud.
- I am.

I'm sick of looking at that. To
hell with it. I'm going over there.

Pete. Hey, Pete.

- Pete, what are you doing?
- Look at them over there.

Everybody's avoiding them like they're
dipped in shit. I'm just gonna go say hi.

Yeah, okay...
Hey, Pete, Pete, just wait.

I know. I think it's awful.
But they're teenagers, okay?

They use drugs,
and they masturbate,

and they watch people playing
video games on YouTube.

- We're not equipped for that.
- What do we have to be equipped for?

I'm just going to say hello. I know.
I don't think we should do that.

- Excuse me? Hi.
- Hey. Hi.


Just FYI,
we can all hear you.

- Hmm?
- "Dipped in shit."

"Masturbate," so forth.

Uh, we appreciate the concern, but
there's no need to go all pity crazy.

We know how this works.

So just go on. It's okay.

Go mingle with the kiddies and
don't give it another thought, okay?

Have a good day, folks.
Thanks. Bye-bye.

So, you two went out and found
yourself a teenager after all, huh?

- We only met her for a second.
- But she made a real impression.

Oh, yeah.
Lizzy's such a great kid.

She does really well in school.
Come on back.

She came into care four
years ago when she was 11.

Took a lot to convince her to accept
placement in an adoptive home.

- Her mother...
- Set the house on fire, passed out with a crack pipe.

- What I was gonna say...
- Before I told it like it is?

Before you jumped on in

is that her mother's made
a lot of promises over the years

and never seems to
follow through with them.

Where's her mom now?

Probably in an orange jumpsuit
selling smokes in the yard.

I'm sure
that's not accurate.

Huh. Turns out Lizzy's mom is
finishing a sentence in county jail.

Who called it, huh?
Who said it?

- You did.
- Yeah.

Looks like she's
never pursued reunification

or contacted her kids
in over two years,

so, yeah, she's pretty
much a nonissue.

That's terrible.
What about the father?

What are you talking about,

What, are you doing comedy
for us now, Pete?

Karen, we've had plenty of
fathers who have stepped up,

but in this case,
no ID's on any birth fathers.

Look, Lizzy's mom
is a product of the system

and she never learned to properly care
for herself, much less three kids.

- Three? Three kids?
- Oh. What?

Yeah, three.

- Yeah, Lizzy...
- At once?

Yeah, Lizzy comes with two
younger siblings, Juan and Lita.

Wait, wait. So we would have...
three children?

No. Two, maybe, but there's
no way we can do three.

I mean, we wanted to meet...
Oh, my gosh.

- Why would you show us that?
- You're an asshole.

Why would you even show that?
They're so cute. That's wrong.

Listen, we're not gonna
sugarcoat it, okay?

Lita is a...
a wild, rowdy kid,

and Juan can be fragile
and a little emotional,

and Lizzy is strong-willed
and she won't trust easily.

- God, can you blame her?
- Well, but listen.

We wouldn't recommend this match
if we didn't believe

that with some structure
and love

these... these kids
could blossom, right?

Yeah, and we're hoping to get them
out of their current foster placement.

- The Muskies might lose that meal ticket.
- Karen, please.

Most of our foster parents are
really terrific, caring people.

And, yes, there are people
who do it just for the paycheck.

But the Muskies
are not abusive or evil.

- Just maybe a little...
- Inbred.

- Karen, there is no evidence to...
- You've seen 'em.

I swear they look like brother and sister.
I can't tell them apart.

In any case, I'd love
to set up a visitation,

unless you have
any other concerns.

It's just a visitation.

I-I-It's just...
Is it a problem...

You know, the whole
white savior thing?

- Like the Avatar thing.
- Avatar?

You know how the blue guys couldn't
fight off the unobtanium guys

until the white guy showed up
and pretended to be a blue guy?

All I'm saying is, white-bread
couple taking in little Latin kids.

Are people gonna think
we shouldn't be doing that?

You know what? We'll go ahead and
toss these kids back into the system

and I'll just jot you down
for "whites only."

- Come on. I didn't mean...
- Hey! No, that's not...

- Don't write "whites only." That's not what he meant.
- That's not at all what I meant.

Pete, I appreciate
your cultural sensitivity,

but we have every color
of kid in the system.

And we have every color of parent.
Every color.

- Just not nearly enough.
- Not nearly enough parents.

- Mm-mmm.
- And listen.

You're gonna get
some funny looks.

And people are gonna say
some stupid shit.

But if you're willing to love
these kids who need a mom and dad,

and somebody has a problem
with that,

you just ask 'em how many
goddamn kids they've adopted.

- Exactly.
- Hell.


I just wanted to have the Avatar talk.
Now we did, so I'm good.

Oh, fantastic.

- You ready to meet three kids?
- Three kids?

- Yeah.
- All right. We'll set it up.

How's it going?

Uh, good.
It's going really good.

- Pete and Ellie.
- Yeah, we know. Come on in.

Good luck with that one. She
thinks she's better than everybody.

Yeah. The other two
are jackassing around out back.

We'll be in the shop.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey, uh, Mr. and Mrs. Wagner.
- How are you?

Oh, uh, Ellie and Pete.

- You don't have to call us the Wagners.
- No, please. Good to...

- Um, sorry about them. They're...
- Oh, please.

- They just seem a little...
- Like brother and sister?

Pipe down with that crap.
We are not friggin' related.

Friggin' related.

I'm really
gonna miss them.

- That is, if you...
- No. Please. Oh, my goodness.

You made such a good impression
on us when we met you,

we wanted to get to
know you a bit more.

- Yes!
- Meet your brother and sister.

- They're right outside, if you guys wanna follow me.
- Yes! Yes.


Juan. Lita.

I want you guys
to meet Pete and Ellie.

- Hi.
- Hey, guys.

- Are we gonna go stay at your house now?
- Um...

Well, we met your sister,
and she's so awesome.

- Yeah, she's really cool.
- She was telling us about you guys.

Want to play restaurant
with me?

Yeah, I would love to.

- Where's your restaurant?
- Right over there.

- And what's your doll's name?
- Her name is Potato Chips.

- I love potato chips.
- Potato chips are my favorite.

Nice one.

- Can we be the Clippers?
- I'm more of a Lakers fan.

- Oh, uh, sorry.
- You don't have to say sorry. That's okay.

- We can be the Clippers.
- O-Okay.

- I'm gonna shoot, you crash the boards.
- Yeah. Sure.

Oh, no!

Oh, shoot!

- You did it on purpose!
- What?

You hit me
'cause I like the Clippers.

- The Clippers are awesome.
- We love the Clippers. Are you kidding me?

It was so smart to get rid of Blake
Griffin. That was a great trade for them.

We're obsessed with the Clippers.
I can't get enough of them.

- They're amazing.
- Okay.

- Can we play hide and seek?
- You sure? You lost a lot of blood.

- I love hide and seek.
- Okay, but just us. No girls.

Oh. Sure.

It's not that progressive,
but no problem.

- Lita, should we go play restaurants?
- Yeah.

You're it.
I'll hide and you count. Okay?

- You sure you're okay?
- Yeah.

- Go on, count. Count to 20.
- All right, buddy.

Oh, my God.

You better not embarrass me
at the restaurant.

Potato Chips has been bad today.
Bad girl!

Bad, bad, bad!

Don't talk back,
you little beaner!

Oh! Uh...
I don't think that's...

You know what? She picks
up that stuff off the TV.

- Yeah.
- Oh, don't give me the look.

- Let's not call her bad names.
- Don't tell me how to treat my kid!

You think you're
better than me, huh?

Pete, if you don't
want the kids,

I'm not gonna push you
into it.

All right, look.

I'm gonna be
honest with you, all right?

I don't know, I just thought
when we met our kids

that it would be like this
cosmic connection, you know?

Like just take one look at them and
just know, like when you and me met.

Yeah. Totally.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What, you didn't just know?

- Hmm?
- Oh, my gosh.

- What?
- You heard what I said. You didn't just know?

No, I was interested, but, you know,
I'm more cautious than you are.

Really? Wow.
How long before you just knew?

A couple of months.

A couple of months?
How many months?

Like, four...

- Four?
- ...teen.

Fourteen? Oh, my God!

- I knew before we got married, okay?
- That's the point.

We don't have a year-long
engagement on this thing.

If we say "yes,"
they're in our house next week.

Did you feel
a cosmic connection?

No, I didn't feel
a cosmic connection.

I felt like I was... I felt like I
was babysitting other people's kids.

I agree.

- With what?
- With you.

With me wanting the kids
or not wanting the kids?

- Whatever you want.
- That's not an answer.

Then just give me 14 months to think
about it. How 'bout that? Come on.


It's not a potluck.

All righty.

Honey, put those down for me.
Thank you.

All right,
come on, everybody.

Honey, come on.

All right, everybody,

Hands, hands, hands.
Thank you.

Eyes closed.

I'm thankful
for my beautiful grandchildren,

including the...
the very lucky kids

that are soon to be adopted
by two wonderful parents.

I'm really thankful
for that too.

That is really inspiring stuff,
you guys. Well done.

Yeah, about that.
Actually, we...

Yeah, we've decided together not to
move forward with the foster thing.

Yeah, we just realized we hadn't
thought it through properly, so...

Yeah! Jesus Christ.
This is great news.

I mean, we were all being
supportive to your faces, but...

Yeah. We all thought
you were out of your minds.

I never said anything,
but I'm thankful to hear this.

What? Why?

- Ellie, let's not. We're holding hands.
- No, no, no, no.

I would be thankful to know why
you all have a problem with this.

- Hey, I never had a problem with it.
- I think it's smart.

Have a couple kids without the pregnancy
and the hormones and the... the rage.

- Stop talking.
- Ellie.

All I'm saying
is that we're thankful

that you and Peter
are gonna experience

having the love of your own
beautiful children rather than...

- Rather than what, Jan? Just spit it out.
- Hell, I'll say it.

Rather than
just rolling the dice

with the offspring
of some criminal or drug addict.

To be honest, we were worried
about our real kids' safety...

- What?
- ...were they to hang out with your kids, if they're...

Damaged goods?

When I was growing up, a lot of people
thought I was damaged goods too.

Pete, we're not talking
about you, man.

We're talking about crack babies and
kids who have been sexually harassed.

"Sexually harassed"? What do you mean?
Their parents made lewd comments?

- You know what I mean, wiseass.
- Open your stupid eyes.

- How long have everyone's eyes been open?
- Kimmy, you of all people.

- What if you can't have a baby?
- Do not put that out into the universe, please.

What if you can't?
What are you gonna do?

If you don't quit being
so nuts about this baby thing,

I swear to God, I'm gonna get pregnant
again this afternoon just to spite you.

- And you know I can do it.
- Really?

- No.
- Oh.

I'm sorry if we're not as
politically correct as you guys,

but our baby
has to be our blood.

- Yes! Absolutely!
- Oh, my God. "Our blood."

- This blood? This blood right here?
- What's that supposed to mean?

- Jerry, what do you think?
- I'd be thankful if we could eat, Russ.

You just spent 30 minutes
talking about the deep state.

You don't have an opinion
on your own family?

- None of my business.
- Thank you, Daddy.

I would like you all to know
that thousands of children

are spending Thanksgiving
without any family at all.

And right now I kind of envy them.
But I know you guys love me.

I know that I have a place to go
to eat turkey and be thankful.

But a lot of kids
don't have that.

And it's not their fault!
And they're not damaged goods!

So forget what I said before.
It is back on!

- If that's okay with you, honey.
- Yee-haw, baby.

Yee-haw. We're gonna adopt
a whole shitwhack of kids.

And I am thankful that whoever has a
problem with it can fuck right off!

- Amen.
- Amen.

Well, there goes another Thanksgiving.

You're crazy.

Hi, honey.
Here we are.

Come in, look around.

This is Meatball.

A Christmas tree?

Does that mean Santa
comes here?

- Yeah, every year.
- Yay!

- So, you guys are rich.
- What? Ri... No.

We're not rich. I mean, we're doing okay.

Well... When we got this
house, it was a dump.

That's what we do. We renovate houses.
Ellie did all the design work.

Actually, everything is from
swap meets and flea markets,

and it's not
that expensive at all.

- That's crystal! Sorry. Oh, my God.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Uh, I
shouldn't have left this out.

You guys want to see your rooms? Come on.
Let's go check out your room.

- Lookit! A bed and a bunny!
- What do you think?

I love the bunny
'cause she has a skirt.

- Whose toys are these?
- They're yours to share.



Can I put my bears
in there?

- Sure.
- Of course.

- Wow, you have a lot of teddy bears.
- These are just court bears.

They get one every time
we go to family court.

- Can you help me?
- Yeah.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
- Look at this, Lita.

Lizzy, want me
to show you your room?

- Okay. Yeah.
- It's just here.

I'm so sorry you have to carry all
your stuff in these awful bags.

- If we knew...
- No, no, it's cool.

Fun fact: that's actually
how you can spot a foster kid.

The kid carrying her
whole life in a Hefty bag.

It's a foster joke.

Well, make yourself
at home.

Yeah, this is your place. You
can do whatever you want with it.

Do you wanna put posters
on the wall, paint it?

Yeah. This is what we do. We can
knock that out in 20 minutes.

Run down to the hardware store, pick
any color you like. What do you say?

- Any color.
- Just pick a color.

- What color do you like? Anything you want.
- Any color.

- You pick a color, we're doing it.
- You'd look great in green.


What do you think?

Wow, uh, it's, yeah,
darkest of the black tones.

- Yeah, that's what she picked.
- Dark Kettle Black, huh?

I like it.
It's really... dope.

- I'm gonna get dinner started.
- Okay.

- She doesn't like it.
- I think she loves it.

Well, you know her
better than I do.

- Hey.
- Hey, you all done in there?

Oh, yeah.
And... she loves it.

Oh, great. I'm so glad that
she loves her black bedroom.

So, I'm gonna register Juan and
Lita at Harding in the morning.

And then you can take Lizzy
to the high school.

Did you see their shoes? We might want
to take them to the mall tomorrow.

Hey, kids, dinner!

What? That sounds insane
coming out of your mouth.

- Do we have kids?
- Yeah, three of 'em.

That's insane!
I don't believe it!

Did you not know that?
'Cause they're really here.

- Holy shit. Holy shit.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- They're here.
- I love you.


- What?
- Kiss again! Kiss again!


- Eeew!
- Eeew!


- What about that one?
- Kiss again! Kiss again!

It's gonna be long
and weird.

- Mmm!
- Eeeew!


- How 'bout that?
- How 'bout that?

- Come on, giggly. Sit down.
- I'm gonna shift the plates.

- Great. We have everything. We have burgers and pasta and...
- Can we have potato chips?

Let's get ready
for the tub.

Uh, you two, come on.
Who wants to...


That's not really
a bath toy.

I don't want this.

- Oh, no!
- That's gonna... What? Hey! Hey!

I'm gonna get a hamper
next time.

Hey, next time...

- You need...?
- Lookit!

Grab... Hold it.
Keep it over the sink, please.

Did you flush, sweetie?

- Good night, kiddo.
- Good night.

Good night!

- Should we give them a kiss good night?
- I don't know.

- Maybe you should ask, or should we wait?
- Should I ask?

I'll ask. You guys
are overthinking this.

- Sorry, guys.
- Sorry.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night!

Should we kiss Lizzy
good night?

- I'm good. Good night.
- Oh. Night, kiddo.

All right. Good night.

We try so hard
to engage with him,

but no matter what we do, Jake
just wants to hang out in his room,

talking on his phone, swearing,
taking the Lord's name in vain,

and cranking his explicit music
till all hours.

And he got into
another fight at school.

Thank heaven he didn't seriously
hurt one of the other kindergartners.

I think maybe it's okay for a
five-year-old to have a cell phone.

But does he have
a lot of contacts?

We tried to take it, but his
birth mother gave it to him,

- and if we touch it, it's just...
- Mmm.

I'm so sorry.
You are so right.

He doesn't need a phone.

- We're gonna try again.
- Definitely try.

Okay, and Pete and Ellie took
in three children ten days ago,

one of which
is a teenager.

Yeah, it's going pretty good.

I think our kids made us realize just
what kind of a rut we were in before.

Not really a rut. Just the
same old routine. You know?

Work, go to the gym, grabbing
dinner, drinks, the movies.

- You know what I mean.
- No, we don't know.

I think she's just trying to say
that we needed a new challenge,

maybe something
to break up the monotony.

That's not the only thing they're gonna break.

I know it sounds... I know
everyone's going through tough stuff.

But these kids, I think they're
really good. We got lucky.

- They got lucky.
- Yeah, you hit the jackpot, lady.


Why is this funny?

I think they might be recognizing
a little bit of a honeymoon period.

No, we thought of that. But
it doesn't feel like a period.

Well, I mean, it's not perfect.

Lita won't eat anything
but potato chips.

But we got a plan to work on that too.
I'm not saying we're perfect parents.

Are you sure?

And I think I might be recognizing
a little bit of jealousy.

It's not a good trait,

Okay, what do we have here?

- Huh?
- Christmas!

What is it? It's a sewing machine!
What do you think?

No? She doesn't like it?
Why not?

- Looks like a robot, buddy!
- Lita, look at this big box!

- Dude, it walks and talks.
- This could be my helmet!

- What about the presents?
- I would've went crazy if I got a robot.

- I'm playing with that robot.
- And this could be the spaceship.

- Can I go inside?
- Sure.

Hey, guys. Wow, you really
like cardboard boxes, huh?

Is anybody interested in playing with the giant
dollhouse it took three hours to assemble?

Did it come in a big box?

Yeah, it did.
It came in a big $200 box.

Let's go!
Let's go!

- Come on.
- Let's go get the box.

- Christmas is boxes.
- Yes.


Hey, Lizzy,
this one's for you too.

- Merry Christmas.
- Oh.

- Another one.
- Yeah.

Thanks. Merry...
Merry Christmas.


You didn't have
to get all this stuff for us.

I know, I know,
but we wanted to.

We were excited.
Did we go overboard?

No, no, no!
Um, I'm sorry.

I'm happy. I am.

It's nice to see
Lita and Juan get presents

that weren't donated
from total strangers, so...

Hey, Lizzy, if you ever want
to talk about anything...

I know it's Christmastime and
you may have memories and things.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm... I'm...

I'm good. I...

You know what? I just haven't
had my morning coffee yet.

So I'm gonna get that.

- Do you want some coffee?
- Sure.


We want to thank the Lord
for our first Christmas together.

And we want to give thanks for
this lovely meal and also this, um,

bounty of super fun
cardboard boxes.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Tuck in, everybody.

Where's my potato chips?

We're not having chips
tonight, munchkin. Sorry.

- I want my chips.
- Lita!

Lizzy. Pete and I worked
really hard on this dinner.

There's lots of yummy food
for you to eat.

- No!
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey! Lizzy, Lizzy, please!
Lizzy, no, okay? I've got this.

- Why are you yelling at me? I'm just trying to help you.
- I'm not yelling at...

I'm sor... I am. Just then I was.
But it's... Look.

Lita, don't do what Lizzy said. What did
you say? C uatro? "Go to your bedroom"?

No, cuatro means "quart."
Like quart of milk.

She said, "You're not gonna have a potato
chip, but you will drink that milk."

In any case, we have this.
It's fine.

- Okay. Fine.
- Okay.

Let's try some
of this meat loaf, okay?

- No! I want my chips!
- You're not having chips!

I don't think she's getting
on board with the plan, honey.

- I don't want this!
- Hey!

- You sure you don't wanna give her chips?
- No, we're not giving her chips.

Lita, stay right there!

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

No, it's okay.
Don't cry. Relax.

- Watch your feet, okay?
- Raised feet!

I didn't mean to.
I'm so sorry.

You give those to me.

- Ow! Ow.
- Calm down. Don't cry.

I want my chips!

Just stay there, Juan.

These are really,
really good potatoes.


- Oh, my God. Are you okay?
- Oh, God. Hold on.

Lita, duck!

- What are you doing?
- Look, I'm trying to put it out!

- With ketchup?
- Put it out!

- All right.
- Lita?

Wait, wh-what's that noise?

Why is she growling? That wasn't in
the classes. I got nothing for that.

She's got a knife.

- It's just a SpongeBob knife.
- It's still a knife.

Just put the knife down,

Look, kid,
just put down the weapon, okay?

You guys want me to deal with
this, or do you still got it?

- Do you wanna let her jump in here now, please?
- Okay, okay. Fine. Fine!



Ellie, you gotta
learn some Spanish.

- Why would you give a kid milk in a glass cup?
- I'm sorry. I didn't...

Why did she do that?
I hate her!

That didn't take long.
They hate us already.

Well, technically,
she said she hates you.

- Okay, okay, okay!
- I want a Barbie!

This isn't even
a real Barbie.

You've got a real Barbie that
Santa gave you a few weeks ago.

Santa got me a fat Barbie!
I want a skinny Barbie!

She's not fat.
She's body positive.

If you put the doll back, I'll
get you a giant ice cream sundae.

So you're rewarding
this behavior?

- What are you thinking?
- You handle it.

- Juan, get out of there. Please?
- Don't hit me! Don't hit me! I'm sorry!

I didn't hit him, okay? I never have hit him.

- I would never hit a kid.
- I want a Barbie!

Stop right now, or you're
not getting lunch or dinner.

We're not starving people here, okay?
I have this under control.

Yeah, Lizzy,
you body-positive whore!

Okay, you're done. Gimme that. Give
it to me. Just give me that now!

Oh, yeah? Yeah, it really
looks like you've got it.

- Scan it! Hurry!
- No! We're not doing this!

- Someone videotaping this?
- Pete, where are you? Where's Pete?

You're done. Oh, great. You're out there?
Thank you so much.

Hey, sweetie.
I brought the car.

- Saved you a little walking time.
- We had a front space.

Well, it's still closer.

- Hey, Pete, look at my pretty new doll.
- Wow.

- So you caved, huh?
- No, I did not cave.

I bought it for her.
It was only four bucks.

Can we just get
out of here, you coward?

Holy shit.
There they are.

Hey, Jan, Jerry.
They're here.

Oh, man!
Kid dinged a Porsche.

- Dude, what are you doing?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

All right.
Just don't cry, okay?

He's gonna have to
leave a note.

- Just help get the stuff out of the back.
- Lita! Lita! Honey.

Ellie looks dehydrated.
She looks bad.

- We've got the pizza!
- Juan, whoa, whoa. What are you doing, bud?

Oh, sorry!
Oh, Christ.

- It's so warm.
- Hey, put the pizza down.

- You can't hold it like that.
- Hi, Mom.

Hey, Dad.

You must be Lizzy.

Yeah, hi. I'm Lizzy.
Um, this is Lita and Juan.

Hello, Lita.

Hello, Juan.

I'm Grammy "Hw-an"
and this is Grandpa "Hw-erry."

Mom, can you just talk
like a normal person?

I like the way
she says her J's.

- Can you please?
- It's sophisticated.

Here you go, brother.
Thanks, man.

I can't get over it.
They look just like normal kids.

What did you think they were
gonna look like? Little pirates?

I don't know.
They're just so cute.

How is the new school?

It's good. It's like...
It's, um... It's school.

- Yeah.
- Awesome.

And what's the boy situation?
Anything exciting?

No, no.
Hey, hey, leave her alone.

She doesn't like talking about that
kind of stuff, so just go easy.

What? You don't.

- Actually, there's this one guy, Jacob.
- Yeah?

Wow, that's a cute name.
Jacob. I like... Like Jake.

No, honey, it's "Hway-cob."

Right? Right?

No, no, it's just Jacob.


J... acob.

Yeah, and he's not cute.

He's more of like
an artsy, old soul type.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

I was never into
the cute ones either.

Nah. Cute's overrated.

Right? I didn't either. I've
never had a hot boyfriend, ever.

Shut up!


Lizzy, can we put the phone away while
we're at the table, like we talked about?

- Lizzy, please.
- Give her the phone.

- Hey, guys, check it out. There's some shit going down.
- Lizzy, the phone.


Is that her real mom?
Yeah, that's a harsh move.

Actually, if you read
your foster parent regs,

you know you're not allowed to take
away any of my personal property, so...

It's the look. She's doing the look.
I gotta get some ketchup.

Pete, you'd said you'd say something
to her next time she acts all bitchy.

I never said the word "bitchy."
It was her word, not mine.

I am always the bad guy
because you're never there.

I'm not gonna apologize
for working.

Somebody's gotta deal with that dump of a
house you bought before it bankrupts us.

I bought? You loved it too.
And that's not even the point.

The point is, when you are there,
you let them get away with murder.

I got on Lizzy just last night when
she wouldn't clean up after dinner!

Perfect parent, huh?

- Is this funny, Kit?
- I think we're all enjoying this a little bit, Pete.


- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

I never get tired of
watching white people fight.

Nor do I.

But why don't you
calm down

and tell us, without blaming each
other, what the main issues are.

Well, Lita
is just constantly...

- I want...
- I don't want to!

And Juan
just doesn't use his head.

- Unlock the window!
- And if I say anything about any of it...

I'm so sorry.
It's not my fault.

- Lizzy's favorite pastime is just...
- Just leave me alone!

Thanks for
making me late.

You're an asshole.

God forbid we actually try to parent the
little ones. No, no, that's her territory.

Don't forget, when Lizzy was ten her
mother would disappear for weeks at a time,

leaving Lizzy to parent Juan
and Lita all by herself.

Yeah, she's not just gonna
step aside and let you two take over.

- Are you saying that we should let her parent the kids?
- Are you paying attention?

She's 15. She's a terrible parent.
She needs to be a kid.

Now, you gotta step up
and become the parents.

- But you just said she won't let us.
- Nope, she won't.

You know, Karen, you've been a
godsend through most of this,

but you're just about to
piss me off!

You won't get anywhere with her
until you two get on the same page.

- Right?
- That's right.

If she's hostile with you again,
maybe try using the three R's.

Okay? Number one: regulate.

"Lizzy, why don't you take some
deep breaths, count to ten."

Number two: relate.

"I understand that you're upset.
Nobody likes to feel this way."

- That's good.
- Number three: reason.

it's okay to be angry.

What's not okay is to
threaten to slash our throats

in the middle of the night
when we're asleep."

- Hmm?
- What?

I'm sorry, did I...?

That was actually us.
Our story.

- Yeah.
- Last session.

The little guy didn't
follow through with it though.

- Well, not yet!
- Not yet.

Sorry, but we shouldn't be laughing.

No, it's actually important to have a
sense of humor about this kind of thing.

Right. You gotta laugh or you'll
never make it through this.

That is right.

Speaking of which,
next up we have October,

who still hasn't been
matched with a child.

Well, there's
some good news.


So, together we're all gonna
decide which chore we'd like to do

and then each week
we'll mix it up.

- Can I do "Feed Meatball"?
- Yes!

- I want to feed Meatball!
- You can feed him next week.

Pete, I hope she's not
serious about all this.

It's not just she, it's we.
And we are. Very serious.

- Okay, so do you want us to wash your feet too?
- Oh, Lizzy.

- This is bullshit!
- Lizzy! Hey, hey, wait, wait!

Lizzy. Let's just... Let's...
Let's try something else.

Can we just take a moment, calm
down, and take a few breaths?


Try it.

Nice! Nice. And we hear you that
you're frustrated with the chart.

Well, yeah.
Yeah, I'm frustrated.

Yes! And that's okay to be frustrated!
We're all frustrated.

So let's think about next time how
we can express ourselves better.

Okay. Okay. Well...

I don't know,
maybe next time you guys...

try and use
the three R's on me.

I could barf all over the ground
because it's so nauseating!

I knew it wasn't
gonna work with her.

Oh, good!
You're home!


Mom, I told you
to text or call.

You told me to give you
a few weeks to settle in.

Well, it's been a few weeks, and
I want to meet my new grandkids.

You must be Lizzy.
Come here!

- No, she doesn't like it when you...
- Come here!

Oh! I'm your Grandma Sandy.

Anyone ever starts shit with any
of you, they have to deal with me.

We're family now, and I got
your back forever. You hear me?

- Mom, just take it easy. Please.
- Oh, my God!

Will you look at them!

Juan, Lita, this is Sandy.
This is Pete's mom.

- Hi!
- Hi!

I could just eat you two up!
And how's my baby boy?


- Hello, dear.
- Hi.

Mom, give us a few minutes. We were
just in the middle of a family meeting.

Perfect, because I'm a
member of the family.

Grandma Sandy has an
announcement to make.

I got the whole family
tickets to Six Flags!

- Yay!
- Yay!

What's Six Flags?

- "What's Six Flags?"
- Mom, that's such a nice offer.

But things have been a little chaotic around
here, and we need things to be normal.

I'll tell you what's not normal, is
your kids not knowing what Six Flags is.

Your kids.

Ma, it's just not a good time.
So we're not doing this, okay?

We're not doing this, right? We're on the
same page because of the structure thing?

Yeah, yeah.

Honey? Right, El?

- I did not cave.
- Oh, you caved.

Lizzy gave you the look
and you caved.

Maybe I just wanted to be the fun parent
for once instead of being the bad guy.

- I tried being the bad guy. You wouldn't let me.
- Okay, fine. I'm sorry.

But look how much fun
everybody's having.

And Lizzy, she's actually smiling.
It's crazy.

Hey! Did you have fun?

You don't have to go
on the kiddie rides.

I love the big rides.
You want to go on the...

- Hey, Lizzy!
- Hey, what's up?

- Good to see you!
- Good to see you too!

Hey, hey. What's up?

Uh, Kylie, Savanna,
these are my, um...


- Yeah, yeah.
- We're the fosters!

- I'll see you guys later.
- Actually, we were just gonna go on the water ride.

Let her go
with her friends.

They don't want to be stuck here with
a bunch of old farts like you two.

They want to ride the big stuff
and check out the hot boys.

Here's a hundred.

Buy yourselves some
souvenirs and junk food.

- Uh-huh.
- Thanks, Grandma Sandy. Thanks!

All right, cool.

Uh, meet you guys at... What time
are we going back to your house?

We're going back to our house,
where we all live, at 7:00!

Okay, I'll see you then.

- Mom, what are you doing? You can't...
- Oh, no!

Little Juanny's upchucking
in the trash bin!

You all right, peanut?

Was it all the funnel cakes
we ate?

Oh. Oh, oh.

I know she's getting these texts.
I can see the dots.

Maybe she ran off. Maybe
something happened to her.

No, she didn't. She's just treating
us like another set of fosters.

All right, bye.

Thanks for the ride.
I love you!

- I'm the bad guy. Watch this.
- Bye.

- Bye!
- Hey!

- Where the hell were you?
- We went to the movies.

And it ran a little bit later.
It's not a big deal.

You couldn't have taken five seconds
to let us know nobody murdered you?

Well, guess what?
You're grounded.

- I'm grounded?
- Yeah. You're grounded. Because I just grounded you.

Before you weren't grounded,
you weren't anything,

and then I just said that thing that
I said, and now you're grounded!

- We've been waiting one hour for you!
- I'm the bad guy. Calm down.

- He's the bad guy.
- You're not going anywhere.

- You're done!
- Done!

- Don't want to hear it!
- You know what?

When I was nine
I lived in a crack house.

So I'm pretty sure the multiplex is
a comparatively safe environment.

Oh, no. No. You don't play
that trouble pass card with us.

Your butt's in a sling,

- Oh, Grandma Sandy, I forgot.
- What?

I got you, um...

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Will you look at this?
I'm gonna wear it every day.

Oh, come here.

You know,
this reminds me

of when Pete and his degenerate
friends stole a pizza truck.

- She's good. She's good.
- Oh, God.

Are you two gonna stand there
all night,

or are we gonna try to get these
kids to bed at a decent hour?

You remember I told you we
weren't special enough for this?

- We were doing fine.
- You said that we were in a rut.

Maybe we were spoiled
and didn't appreciate the rut.

The rut was easy and quiet. You know,
I miss the rut. But you had to be a mommy.

Whose idea was it to go
and talk to the teenagers?

We could've had a toddler who doesn't
have opinions and thong underwear.

- What?
- You pushed us into some next-level shit!

Look, we can't start
turning on each other here.

If we just stay calm
and we work together,

we can find a way to get these
little assholes out of our house!

Now we're talking!

- That's exactly what I was thinking.
- Hello!

- I hate them so much.
- Me too. They're the worst.

They're so ungrateful. We're
doing everything for them.

- And they could give two shits.
- Right?

But guess what?
They're not adopted yet.

No. No, they're not.

We could just...

put 'em back.

I mean, yes, we would look like the
worst people in the world, but...

Yeah, we would. And right now
everybody thinks we're saints.

I know. I love that part. I do love
that part. That's the only good part.

Just an idea.

What if we say that some
relatives came forward?

The courts took 'em.
There's nothing we could do.

Right? We squirt a few tears,
we act super devastated.

That's good. That's good.
That's very good.

And we get our clean house
and date night back.

And everybody
feels sorry for us.

- Yes!
- Right?

Get some presents maybe.

We're never
gonna do that.


It's a nice thought,
but we're...

- We're stuck, aren't we?
- Yeah, we are.

You know, we gotta just accept
that we made a terrible mistake

and our life
is mostly gonna suck now.

Good night, honey.

All right, one nail on
each side of the slat.

- Okay.
- On both ends. Okay?

- "Look."
- Yes, excellent.

Okay, keep going.
Get the words for me.

What are you doing? You want to get in?
You wanna say hi to Lizzy?

Speak of the devil.

What are they doing here?

You never said I couldn't
have any people over.

Everybody knows you can't have
people over when you're grounded.

You know that too, because they
obviously came in through the window.

This place is disgusting,
by the way.

- God, what a Nazi bitch.
- What did you call me?

I don't know. You just
seem like a Nazi bitch.

Get out. Now.

- Out. Both of you, out. Go! Now!
- No, you get out of my room.

No, no, I'm staying in your black room.
These guys are leaving.

No, out the window, Pussy Riot!
Way you came in!

- Out, now!
- Holy shit!

Out! Out!

- Oh!
- You're literally crazy!

- You're driving me crazy!
- Oh, my God. What are you doing?

- You're acting like you're a psychopath.
- Start the car.

- What is going on in there?
- Lizzy, please, I said you're grounded.

- Where are you going?
- I'm calling my caseworker.

That's a good idea, huh?

Get CPS to come, make your little brother
and sister pack up their court bears

and trash bags in the middle of the
night and move them back to the Muskies?

- That'll be really good for them.
- Better than you.

No! Not better than me! I can't with you.
Can you please deal with her, Pete?

- Hey, Lizzy, you're gonna...
- We're really good people!

We just want to make a nice home for you.
Is that so wrong?

You're just another white lady who
wants to adopt little charity orphans

to make you feel good
about yourself.

Pete, you tell her what my
nationality is! Tell her!

Well, actually
by blood she is...

I'm one-eighth Comanche, okay?
So I'm not that white!

And do I look like I feel
good about myself right now?

Okay, then tell me!
Please tell me!

Why did you suddenly feel
the urge to get foster kids?

Because we...
It was... I mean, I...

- "Pete, please?" Exactly.
- No, I...

Hey, you're not going anywhere.
Stop right there!

I mean it.
Don't open that door.

Hey! Do not get in that car.
You hear me?

Don't shut that door.
I mean it!

Good. Now can we just go inside
so we can talk about this?

Juan, drop it right now!

What are you doing? Take it out!

- No, better to leave it in till we get to the hospital.
- You're okay, buddy. We're here.

We're here.
You're okay.

Stay still.
I got to wrap it up.

Relax. We'll get you there in
one second, okay? You're...

- Oh, honey, Juan is gonna be okay.
- Come on.

You know what? Tell the girls
we need their car. Now!

Get out! Move your ass!
Come on!

- I got you, buddy. I got you.
- Get in, get in, get in.

Seat belts on, everybody!
Seat belts on.

You're a brave boy, you hear me?
Look at me. You're so brave. Yeah?

You're doing such a good job, buddy.
We're right here.

Hey, help, please.

- What happened?
- He's got a nail in his foot.

I didn't want to take
it out, just in case.

That was very smart. Put
him right on this gurney.

- Hey, buddy.
- It's all right, buddy. We're here.

- Are you the mother?
- Yes. Oh, I'm his foster mom.

- Okay.
- Right this way, Dad.

Hey, buddy,
what's your name?

Juan, we're gonna clean this off,
give you a little anesthetic,

and then take this nail out.

Hold my hand. Gonna be a little pinch.
Look at me.

- Hold my hand, hold my hand.
- A little bit of a sting.

- Stop! Stop!
- It's almost over.

- That's it.
- It's done! It's done. It's done.

I think we should take Lita
to the lobby.

You want to go with her
or stay here with Juan?

You take her.

- Come here.
- Hey, I'm right here.

- He's okay.
- You're so brave.

You're doing so good,

So he doesn't have to wear a cast
or anything? It's just stitches?

- Yeah.
- Well, that's good news.

- Yeah.
- And how did this happen?

It was my fault. I walked
away, and I left the gun there.

- Juan just picked it up.
- No. It wasn't their fault. It was mine.

I was trying to leave in a
car and I wasn't supposed to,

and then they got distracted,
and then I yelled at Juan,

and he dropped the thing
on his foot...

Don't be ridiculous. I should
never have left the nail gun there.

Pete, shut up! This is the kind
of stuff they move kids for, okay?

It wasn't their fault.
They didn't do anything.

- I should be the one getting in trouble right now.
- It's okay.

Why don't you come on over here?
Excuse me.

And, uh, let's talk
about what happened.

So, uh, nobody's
being moved.

Hey. What's wrong?

Uh, I have no idea. I just
woke up this morning and...

Damn it.

You know what?
I think I can help.

I have a...

I have this really great detangler.
You want me to...?

- Sure, yeah. Yeah, whatever, yeah.
- Yeah?

Okay, here.

Have a seat,
and I'll... Yeah.


- Wow. How'd this happen?
- I don't know.

Yeah. Just let me know
if it pulls, okay?

Okay. That's good.

- Better, yeah?
- Oh, wow. Yeah. Thank you.

Let me just
smooth it out for you.

Thank you.

No problem.
It's all gone.

- You all set?
- Yep.

- Hey, thanks for the lunch.
- No problem.

Oh, is that
that boy Jacob?

The one that just picked up
that bit of trash?

- Don't freak out about it.
- No! Why would I freak out about it?

He looks like an artistic
type, like you said.

- You think so?
- Definitely!

- Look at that face.
- Yeah.

Picking up trash.

Yeah. Yeah, he is. Yeah.

- Well, have a good day.
- Thanks. You too.

- Okay.
- All right.

Careful with your foot, Juan.
Bye, Lita.

Well, did you see that?

Definitely starting to
hate me a bit less, right?


- Hi, Lizzy.
- Hey, Charlie.

Hi, Jacob.

- Wassup, baby girl?
- Nothing.

- How you doing?
- I'm good. Cleaning up your mess.

Why don't you get into school
before you get me in trouble.

All right, fine.

- Text me.
- Okay.

- Hey, hon.
- Hey.

- Hi. How's she doing?
- She's good.

Oh. Yeah. And check this out.

I got here early, Lizzy saw me, and
she came over and just starts talking.

- To you?
- Yeah!

Not, like, full-on girl talk, but not
the usual silent treatment either.

She was telling me
about that kid Jacob,

and how he doesn't say much so
she can't tell if he likes her.

Next thing I know I'm in full mom
mode, giving her advice, like,

"Well, sometimes with the quiet types
you'll have to make the first move."

You said "make a move"? You told
her to make a move on a boy?

This kid is harmless, baby.
Trust me.

I'm thrilled she even likes him.
I totally pegged her for the bad boys.

- What happened?
- Juan broke Potato Chips.

Calm down. I'm gonna fix her, okay?
Here you go. See?

Thanks, Daddy.

Did you hear that?
I just got my first "Daddy"!

That's... You suck!

No fair! I want some of that.
Hey, honey.

- Lita, can I help you with anything?
- Nope!

No, what? Are you talking to me?
Who am I?

- Ellie.
- Juan. Buddy, come here!

Come here, Son.

How's your foot? You okay?
You okay if I call you "Son"?


- Where's Lizzy?
- Right there. See her?

Oh, yeah,
she's right there.

She just comes out here,
she takes all this stuff out,

and she can't bother
with the one second it takes

to close a stupid door
or put anything in the sink.

- What happened?
- I found my hairbrush in the toilet this morning.

- What?
- I told you that wasn't me!

Of course it was you. I left
it in the bathroom for you.

- Juan and Lita aren't even up yet.
- I'm up now, Miss Noisy Pants.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I thought
we were really connecting.

I left it there for her with a nice
little note, with hearts on it and stuff.

- Oh, my God.
- I didn't do it.

- Wow. Hello.
- What is that?

You're wearing that? Are
you going to a strip club?

Sorry I don't dress like
an uptight douche like you.

- You don't talk to my wife like that!
- This is from Ann Taylor. Loft!

You know what? Go put some
clothes on, a lot of them.

- Then get in my truck. I'm driving you this morning.
- Oh, my God!

You guys are so annoying!

- Change the clothes.
- It's not that big of a deal.

- Hey.
- Do I dress like a douche?

- No. Make sure she gets out to my truck.
- Bye, Daddy.

Bye, sweetie.


Oh, my goodness. Oh.

Hey, what's that? Oh!

Ow! Oh!

You okay?

That's a shame.

- What are we doing here?
- Let's go.

I'm gonna be late
for school, you know.

Come on.

Okay. So you're punishing
me with manual labor.

- I've worked harder than you've ever...
- Yeah, I know, you're a badass.

- This isn't a punishment, okay?
- Hey!

I'm Stewart. You probably...
You... What's up?

Stewart. Don't ever talk
to her again, okay?

- As a matter of fact, go to lunch.
- It's 8:15.

Okay. Lunch it is.

Come on.

- Put these on.
- What?

Just put them on.

I know you're angry.

At us, at the world. Maybe
at yourself a little bit.

I don't know,
and you're not talking.

Truth is, when I'm pissed, I don't
like to talk about it either.

But you know what
I do like to do?

- Oh!
- I like to break shit.

R... Really?

Anything in this room.

- Swing away.
- Okay.

- Huh? How'd that feel?
- It felt good!

- Feels good, huh? I told you.
- Yeah.

Now... Whoa, whoa! Don't waste it, all
right? I want you to do me a favor.

I need you to think about something
that really pisses you off.

- You got it?
- I got it.

- Are you sure?
- I got it.

Let's see it.
Bust that shit up.


- There you go. You like that?
- Yeah, that was good.

All right, come on.


- Whoo!
- There we go. Yes!

Ho-ho! Double shot!


Whoa! Ooh!

You like that?

That was cool.

So no school today, huh?

- Pete took me to the house you're flipping.
- Hmm.

- We did some demo work.
- That's cool.

Um, hey, hey, come on.

About that hairbrush?


my mom used to
brush my hair...

and I don't know,
I'm sorry.

It's okay.
I'm sorry too.

- No, you have no reason to be sorry.
- No, I'm really sorry.

All right.

- I'm gonna go clean up.
- Hairbrush is in the toilet, if you need it.

Good one.

Thank you.


You wanna rotate
like this, okay?


Juan hit me!

Oh, no. Oh, God!

Hey, number three,
where's your mother?

- I'm okay.
- Okay.

I didn't hit her!

Juan, where did you
put my phone?

I didn't take your phone!
No, I didn't!

All right! First try!

- Tres.
- Tres.

There you go.
Dad, Dad, Dad!

There you go, Juan.

- Oh!
- Oh, gosh.

Spit it out, spit it out!

- Here, water!
- No, we need ice!

- Water, water. Here.
- Oh, gosh.


Hey, buddy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey. It's okay, sweetie.
Did you have a bad dream?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

You're okay. You're safe
and sound in your bed.

You're good.

Good night, buddy.

Good night, Mommy.


What did you say?

Juan, what did you say?

Did you say something, Juan?

Hey, Juan,
what did you say?


Juan! Did you
say something? Juan!

Juan, what did you say?


Oh, my God.

Good night, buddy.

- Hey.
- Hey!

- Wow, it's looking good.
- Huh? You like it?

Check it out. I put the storage at the
end of the island, like you suggested.

Oh, hey,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Great idea, by the way.
- It's awesome.

- Why don't you come help us hang some tile?
- Yeah.

No, I, uh...

So, there's, um...

There's something
I'd like to do,

and I was hoping I could
get your help setting it up.

- Sure. What are we setting up?
- Of course. Anything.

So I was talking to Karen
and Sharon, and they...

Uh, my mom got out
a few months ago, so...

And I haven't seen her.
I was hoping I could see her.

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah, of course.

- Of course. I mean, that's...
- Yeah.

Cool. Thanks.

- Yeah.
- It's cool. Great.


You, uh...

I'll just wait outside.



Hi, Mom.

Juan, Lita.

Hey, Juan, Lita,
come on!

Come on.

- What's wrong? Come on.
- I want to stay with Mom.

Your mommy's over there.

- It's okay, sweetheart.
- It's okay, honey.

- We're gonna go with you.
- We're right here.

- We'll walk together.
- Come on.

Slow down.

Oh, my babies,
you got so big!

Come, mi amor.

Hi, I'm Sue.
I'm Carla's caseworker.

- You must be Pete and Ellie?
- Yeah, I'm Pete. Hi.

Hey. I'm Ellie.

- This is Carla. She's...
- Their mom.

Hi. I'm Ellie.
Nice to meet you.

I'm Pete.

Hey, I wanted to say thank you
for watching them while I was...

No problem.
They've been doing great.

Juan started playing piano.
Right, buddy?

And Lita just got 100
on her last spelling test.

And Lizzy's soccer team
is undefeated.

All right, so you guys
gonna pick us up at 4:00?

We'll see you in a bit.

- Yeah, we'll be back.
- We'll be back soon.

Bye, guys.
Nice to meet you.

You okay?

"Thanks for watching them"? Like we've just
been fricking babysitting for five months?

She's just not
what I pictured at all.

She kind of looks normal.

I feel bad, like we're
breaking up a family.

We didn't take her kids,

The courts did.
And don't forget why.

Those kids were living like
feral cats in a crack house.

I know, I know, but she kind of...
She looks okay.

I mean, Sharon said she's
been clean for four months.

Yeah, she got clean because
she was in jail, Ellie.

Look at the way Lizzy's
looking at her.

She's still her mom.

We didn't take her kids, Ellie.

So I said, "Young lady,

we hear about you throwing food
in the cafeteria one more time,

and you're gonna have a couple of lunch dates."

Next day,
the behavior continued.

So we went to the school
and joined her in the cafeteria.

Chattin' up all her middle school BFFs.

I walked them through some of
my better bird-watching stories.

They were completely

But that food throwing has stopped!

Good. Good.

Would you like
to share your news?

- About the couch fire?
- No. About your .26 hearing.


The court has
legally cleared us...

to adopt.


To adopt Tina and Ryan!

- Yay!
- That is so great.

Congratulations, guys.
I'm so happy for you.

That is such great news.
I'm so happy for both of you.

And next we have
Pete and Ellie.

Well, you know,
our kids have, what,

had now four visits
with their birth mom?

- Yeah.
- And every time they do,

they're just crazy
for a few days after.


And just when things finally start to feel
normal again, they have another visit.

Yeah, we just feel
so rejected.

And I know this probably
makes me a really bad person,

but I just keep wishing that
their mom would go back to prison.

You're not a bad person.

When someone does terrible
things to the children we love,

it's not easy
to find empathy for them.

But we have to try,

Whatever happens, the time
that your kids spent with you

- made a big difference in their lives.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I know, but then
we're just supposed to...

- Wait. Did you say "made" a difference?
- Yeah, she did.

We-We'll talk after.

No. She said "made." That's past tense.
There's a difference.

I wanna know
what's going on, Karen.


Since Lizzy's mom has been keeping
up with her reunification steps,

the judge changed your .26 hearing
to a Change of Circumstances hearing

where he'll decide if the
kids are ready to reunite.


Really nice.

No, this is...

You weren't gonna
share that with us?

We've been dealing
with all of this shit!

I mean, the tantrums,
the messes, the attitude.

I have played 150 games
of Candy Land with Lita.

You ever play
fricking Candy Land?

- It's brutal!
- It's very dull.

We're making connections. Okay? I
just taught Lita how to ride a bike.

Juan and I bonded
over Rocky III.

And now Mom's
ready to reunite?

Pete, Ellie, I understand
your frustration.

But we all need to keep in mind
that until the kids are adopted,

the primary goal of the
system is family preservation.

- And what about preserving our family?
- Yeah.

has been decided yet.

All right, October,
that leaves you.

Well, I have gotten
a placement.

- Oh.
- He is 14 and does play JV basketball.

But he is 5'2."

And white, with red hair.

Absolutely no fundamentals

Oh, I get it.
My problems seem stupid now.

Why do I always have to go last?

- Stop.
- Okay. I know. It's...

It's very unprofessional.


This is the opposite
of a support group.

What am I
gonna look like?

- You're gonna look like a beautiful princess.
- Oh!

Do I look like a flower?

Hey. Hey, hey, buddy.

- Mom. Hey, kids.
- Oh! Hi, honey!

Hey. Mom!

No, no, no.
It's totally washable.

- It's, um...
- That's a Sharpie.

Oh, yeah. Oh, dear.


Can you please get off the counter, honey?
It's dangerous.

- How was care group?
- So much fun.

Hey, hey, hey.
We have news.

- You're pregnant?
- Oh, my God!

- Why are you doing this to me?
- I'm sorry. No?

It's okay.
No. Just tell them.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

Okay, okay.

We are going to adopt through
foster care, just like you guys!

I mean, we did not
get it at first,

and then we met yours and saw
what a wonderful choice it was.

Hell of a lot cheaper
than in vitro too.

Which is not the reason, but it's a
reason, if you're weighing factors.

And we start classes
next week!

What do you guys think?

I think, uh...

I think I have
to take a crap.

- That's not the reaction we were looking for on that.
- She's jealous!

- Oh!
- Hey! Oh, my God! What are you doing?

- What's going on?
- Please give this to me. Lizzy!

- You're not allowed to take my phone!
- What's she doing?

God! She's taking naked
selfies in the bathroom!

- She's taking naked selfies of herself?
- What are you doing to my phone?

I'm deleting everything here!
Delete, delete, delete.

How many photos did you take?
What is wrong with you?

- Everyone does it! It's no big deal!
- It's a big, huge, giant deal!

Fifteen-year-old girls
should never be naked, ever!

- Can you take the door?
- Don't read my texts! Open the door!

"If you don't show me something
soon, I might lose interest."

- What? Who is this person, Lizzy?
- Open the door!

Oh, no. No, no. Dick pic!
There's a dick pic!

Come on, kids, we are going
in the living room.

Is this that kid Jacob
you were talking about?

That sweet kid from school is
sending you photos of his beeswax?

that is a trout!

Get out of here!

- Lizzy!
- Get out here now!

Give me the phone!
Let go!

- This is not cool, Lizzy!
- I don't have to listen to you anymore, Pretend Mom!

This isn't...

Still think
it's a wonderful choice?

Our foster kids aren't gonna act like that.
That's on you guys.

What exactly is a dick pic?

What do you think it is, Mom?
Wild guess. Dick. Pic.

You know, honey, when I had...
times like this,

I had to search myself

and remember...

why I became a mother
in the first place.

And that was helpful.

Is this that kid Jacob's house?
Is that where we're going?

- Just calm down, okay?
- Please tell me where we are. I don't want to get arrested.

Will you just trust me?
Come on.


Hey. I don't know
if you guys remember us.

Pete and Ellie
from foster orientation?

- Oh, yeah.
- Hi. How you doing?

Uh, what can we do
for you?

So now she wants to
come back and be Mommy again.

And it looks like
she's got a real shot.

Lizzy, she's treating us
like we're the enemy.

Now we don't know
what the hell to do.

So I just thought, I mean, your
daughter turned out so great.

Is she up there studying? Hey,
Brenda, you gonna come down?

I thought maybe we could speak with her,
and she'd get us pumped up like before.

- Is that a possibility?
- Yeah, that'd be great. She was amazing.

We could use
a pep talk right now.

Um, Brenda is, um...
back in rehab.

- Excuse me, what?
- We caught her using a couple months ago.

Are you shitting me
right now?

Her inspirational,
heartwarming goddamn speech

is the reason we signed up for
this shit-show in the first place!

Now you're telling me
she's back on... Ow!

You listen to me,
crazy woman!

Brenda has struggled
with substance abuse

ever since her mother's boyfriend
started her on meth when she was 11.

Sometimes she stumbles.
But she is a good kid.

And she's in there doing the
work, getting herself clean.

So you don't know
what's gonna happen.

And this has you feeling what? Frustrated?
Scared? Lost? Is that it?

Yes! I'm a little afraid to say anything,
but yes, that's basically how we feel.

That's how your children feel
every day of their lives.

When you took this on,
you felt good about yourself

because you knew
that it mattered, right?

Well, guess what.

Things that matter are hard.

Now I know where Brenda gets
her inspiring speech thing.

Listen, guys, right
now, you're all they've got.

So your job is to keep them safe,
whether they want you to or not.


He's got it too.

...much. That was incredible.
Thank you.

- I'm so sorry that I blew up at you.
- I'm sorry I slapped you!

- I know! That was crazy!
- I know. I apologize.

It was good. I needed it. I haven't
been slapped for a long time.

It was a bit aggressive. It
was a little bit out of line.

Well, you were, honey.
You were.

All right, honey,
we gotta go.

- We gotta get going.
- Take care.

Thank you.

You're on Facebook, right?
I'll find you. Okay!

Bye! Bye! Thank you!


Let's get in the house
right away, really quick.

- Okay, you're all set.
- Bye, Lizzy.

- Bye, Lizzy.
- Have a great day.

All right, look,
you drop them off.

I'm gonna find this Jacob kid and
get to the bottom of this, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

- Wait, Pete, that's him!
- What?

Him? That redhead kid right there?
The kid with the soup can for a...?

Come on.
I'm getting him.

You! Dick pic!
Hey! Hey!

- Hey! Excuse me.
- What's up, man? Wanted to catch a fade, huh?

- Dick pic!
- Think it's okay?

Sending pictures of your knob
to a 15-year-old girl?

You're lucky I don't end your
life right now, carrot top.

I saw what you wrote to her: "If you don't
show me something, I'm gonna lose interest."

That's actually sexual assault, young man.
It's disgusting!

Not such a big man
now, are you? Come on, whip it out!

Show everybody those big shaved
plums you're so proud of!

We're gonna call your mom, tell the
principal, maybe even call the police.

- What do you think of that, Jacob?
- My name's not Jacob!

- What?
- My name is Charlie.

That's Charlie.

- I thought you said his name was Jacob.
- Really?

And my plums aren't shaved.

Or big.

I'm so sorry. Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, honey.

Come on, buddy, suck it up.
It's a little snafu, okay?

Come on.
Give me a hug, Charlie.

All right, look at me.

Do you happen to know
anybody named Jacob

who might be hanging around
with our daughter, Lizzy Viara?

The janitor?
The adult-ass janitor?

- Oh, my God.
- Come on, let's get the janitor.

- Hey, I'm so sorry about this.
- Ellie, come on!

Thank you so much!
He didn't do any of that.

- Come on, Ellie.
- He didn't do any of it!

- Hurry up!
- I'm so sorry, Charlie!

I think we're gonna
be late for school.


He's on a Zamboni.
Come on!

Hey! Hey, you!

Excuse me.
I'm talking to you.

- How old are you, Jump Street?
- Why you want to know?

- Hey, lady, gimme that. That's not yours.
- He's 22!

- He's 22.
- Yeah, I'm 22. So what?

So this won't be
child abuse. Pete!

Hey, you ever touch, text, or think
about our daughter ever again,

and you're a dead man.

I'm gonna sue you, man!
You're not even her parents!

Would not-her-parents do this?

Sh... Miss Peppers!

Whoa. Whoa.
What's happening here?

This man has been sending lewd
comments and photos to our daughter.

- You're going to jail today, Jacob!
- You mind calling the police?

Miss Peppers!


All right.
We appreciate it.

Man, I didn't even
touch that girl.

- Bye-bye, scumbag.
- Filthy pedophile.

Yeah. Enjoy your life
as a sex offender.


You're arresting us? The guy was
sending pictures of his knob to a minor.

- Why are you arresting us?
- Really good. Good work, guys.

For what it's worth, I heard
what you guys did in there.

You're good parents,
looking out for your kids.

- If I'd had a chance to do the same...
- The kids! Oh, my God!

- Juan, Lita! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
- Guys!

Hey. Hey, baby.

My God,
it's so clean.

Well, there are
my little gangsters.

Posting bail
for my Petey.

Really took me back
to the good old days.

- Thank you, by the way.
- Where are the kids?

Karen had to take them to a
temporary placement for the night.

She said it's the first time
she's heard of CPS

removing kids from their adoptive
home the night before their hearing.

Speaking of which, I found your
statement to the judge on your printer.

Needs some work.

Mom, it's too late.
We submitted it last week.

Well, resubmit it!

"We want whatever
is best for the kids,

whether that means staying with us
or returning to their birth mother."

What if the judge reads
that crap in front of Lizzy?

That's why we wrote it
like that, Mom.

If she thinks our statement's the
reason her mom doesn't get custody,

she's gonna hate us more
than she does now.

She doesn't hate you. She just
thinks you don't love her.

And that statement
ain't gonna help.

- Did Lizzy tell you that?
- Oh, come on, Ellie.

I grew up a lot
like that kid.

You get reminded what a sack of
shit you are five times a day,

after a while, you can't believe
anyone could ever love you.

You know that we love you,


But that's not you, it's me.
I thought I just covered all that.

But I do love you both.

Get some sleep, kids.

After you fix
that god-awful statement.


It's so clean
and quiet in here.

I know.

I hate it.

Me too.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Guys.
- We are so sorry.

We are so sorry.
Are you okay?

Guess what? We got a
ride in a police car.

You did? Was that fun?

- Did you guys go to prison?
- No. We were... just in jail.

Juan. Lita. Come on.

- Mom's here.
- Okay.

Okay, folks, our .26 hearing is now
a Change of Circumstance hearing

for a Miss Carla Viara.

- And you are Miss Viara, yes?
- She is, Your Honor.

And also with us today are Juan,
Lita, and Elizabeth Viara?

- Here.
- Here!

And did you two
each get a teddy bear?

- Yes!
- Oh, those are good ones.

- And you are Elizabeth?
- It's Lizzy, sir.

I mean, Your Honor.

And, Lizzy, I understand that
you've submitted a statement.

And the foster parents, Mr. and Mrs.
Wagner, are they present as well?

Yes, Your Honor.

And, Mr. and Mrs. Wagner,

is it accurate that you left
Juan and Lita alone in your car

while you were being arrested
for aggravated assault?

- Well, that...
- Yes, Your Honor, but in our defense...

Sir, all I need to know is
whether or not Lizzy is lying.

No, she's not lying.

And prior to that assault,

did you accost a 14-year-old honor
student in the same school yard

and encourage him "to whip out
his big, shaved plums"?

I said that, Your Honor,
but again,

I thought it was the person
who sent her the...

Mrs. Wagner, did you at one time force
Lizzy's friends to leave your home

by way of a bedroom window?

- It was a ground floor window.
- Good. Points for you.

And at that same occasion, did you tell Lizzy
to call CPS and to come and take the kids?

- She didn't mean that.
- I did not mean that.

That was in the heat
of an argument.

- Your Honor, I have a statement.
- Yes, I've read it, thank you.

- We actually wrote a new one.
- Ma'am, excuse me, but I have your...

Please, Your Honor, we were up late
working on it. I can read it very fast.

"Lizzy once
asked us why we took them in.

And at the time,
we couldn't answer her."

- Ma'am, please sit down.
- Please, Your Honor, can you let me say the answer?

No. Sit.

This hearing
is not about you.

Judging by Lizzy's statement, you
might be back in court soon enough,

so let's save that heartwarming
speech for that occasion.

Okay. Now, Miss Viara,

I see that you've been keeping
up with your visits. That's good.

I also understand that you've been
sober for the last five months.

Is that still the case?

- Yes.
- That's very good news.

And if I were to put the kids
in your care,

your current residence
could accommodate them?

I think so.

It's small, but it works...
Your Honor.

And, Miss Viara, do you feel
capable of responsibly caring

for Juan, Lita, and Lizzy
at this time?

Miss Viara.


Yes, Your Honor.
I'm capable now.

Everybody get ready
for dinner.

Here you go.

What if when we go
live with our mom,

she doesn't know how to make my
noodles the way I like to have them?

Don't worry, pal. Lizzy will show
her the way we do the cheese for you

so your mom can make it for
you just the way you like.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Come on, guys. Don't be
sad on our last night.

You know what? I think we should
tell Pete and Ellie thank you,

you know, for everything
they've done for us, yeah?

- Thank you.
- Well, thank you, pal.

Yeah, thank you, guys.

- Lita?
- I don't want to say anything.

Oh, honey.

I'm just gonna
go check on Lita.

I mean, unless you want to.

Yeah, I would, actually.

Come on, buddy. You
haven't touched your pasta.

You want me
to reheat it for you?

It's okay, buddy.

That's okay, buddy.

- Good night, buddy.
- Good night.

Sweetie, good night. I love you.

Love you too.

Okay, all your court bears are
in here, the new ones as well.

Speaking of court, um,

I just wanted to apologize
for what I wrote to the judge.

It was all true.

It was a little out of context
maybe, but there's no hard feelings.

Actually, I wanted to give
you the statement we wrote

that we couldn't read in court,
just so you have it.


Guys, Mom's here.

All right. Get up!
Come on. Let's go.

Lita, come on, get your stuff.

Bye, Meatball.

Hey. I've got a car seat for
Lita if you don't have one.

You guys picking us up?
Where's Mom?

She was supposed to meet us
at the office this morning

and she didn't show.

Oh, no.

She didn't answer her phone.

Did you go to her house? What
if something happened to her?

Yes, we went to see her.
She was very ashamed.

She said...
she can't do it.

No, she didn't. Because why would
she, um, fill out all the forms

and the court stuff and
reunification stuff if she didn't...

- Lizzy, your mom said you filled out all those forms.
- I helped, but so what?

She felt she was being pushed into
something that she wasn't ready for.

No. I didn't push her.
She's ready!

Just let me talk to her,

and then we can
figure something out.

- Honey.
- And she can take me home.

Honey, when we saw her,
it was obvious.

She's using again.

She's not coming, baby.

Sweetie, we're so sorry.



I'll go get her.
You watch the kids.

- Just wait there, okay?
- Lizzy!



- Lizzy?
- Lizzy!

- Lizzy.
- Please just go away. You're not my parents.

No, we're not. But you know what we are?
We're here.

That's right,
we're here and we love you.

What? No, you don't.
You don't even know me.

Hey, what the hell's
going on out here?

Could you just give us
a few minutes, please?

Oh, okay. Sorry.

Lizzy, honey,
we do know you.

We... We know that
you hate cheese,

but you really
love cheeseburgers.

And we know that when you
feel good in the morning,

you put on a little less makeup
than you do on the bad days.

Exactly. And we know that the most
important thing in the world to you

is to protect Juan and Lita from the
things nobody protected you from.

- We know that about you, right?
- Yes, honey.

You guys are doing good.

- I'm sorry.
- We know there's so much we don't know.

But if you're afraid we can't handle
knowing the bad stuff, or the scary stuff,

we can, I promise.

Yeah, bring it. Whatever
you got, we want it.

Because we love you,

Stop saying that.
Please just go away, please.


- Is Lizzy okay?
- She's a little upset right now, buddy.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.

Here she is.


um, here's what
I think is best.

I know Juan and Lita are more like what
you had in mind when you got into this.

Come on, baby.

So I think the best thing
is for you to adopt them.

And... And I'll just ask Karen
for, um, a different placement.

- So...
- No.

- No, it'll be good.
- No, honey.

We need your help
with Juan and Lita.

We're not doing this
without you.

I'll visit all the time and you can
call me if you need help for anything.

- No.
- Pete, I really don't want to argue about this right now.

I don't care. I said no.
That's not happening, okay?

- You're with us now.
- Yeah.

And you know why? We've
got a cosmic connection.

That's right, we've got
a cosmic connection.

I know you feel sorry for me right
now, but you really don't have to...

It's got nothing to do
with what just happened.

Where's the court statement
Ellie gave you?

See this? Read that.

"Lizzy once asked me why we
did this, why we took them in.

We couldn't give her
an answer at the time.

We did it because something was missing in
our lives, but we didn't know what it was.

It was Juan, Lita,
and Lizzy."

You see?

You were what
was missing, Lizzy.

But now you're here
and you are stuck with us.

- That's right.
- We're gonna be at every soccer game.

We're gonna be all over
your ass about your grades.

We're gonna buy you
your first prom dress.

It's gonna be really pretty. But
not too revealing. Super sweet.

You know, not too sexy.

Just like... really,
that gorgeous sweet spot.

Yeah. And when you
graduate high school,

we're gonna be in the
front row embarrassing you.

We're gonna be in the front row again when
you graduate college, or even if you don't.

You will be graduating college, 'cause
it's so important and you're so smart.

I don't mean to push, but it just
opens up so many more opportunities.

But either way, we're
gonna be there for you.

And someday I'm gonna give
you away at your wedding.

Even if I think the guy's a pissant and
he's not good enough for my little girl.

That's right.
Someday in the future.

Someday in the way, way, way off,
deep, deep, deep distant future.

can we go home now?

Yeah, I guess we can.

I know you don't like this,

but you're gonna have to get
used to it once in a while, okay?

Can I get one? I haven't gotten a single
hug from you since I've known you.


Hi. I don't know the whole
context of everything.

But I'm just wondering if I can just
get in on that hug a little bit.

We're good! Thank you so much.
We're good, thank you.

Sorry. That was just wrong. Yeah,
I just do that. You guys hug.

I crossed a boundary

Everything's gonna
work out great too.

I can tell.


Oh! Oh, thank you!

- Bye.
- Bye!

Are you with them?
Do you know those guys?

Yeah. Why?

Do you guys
want to come in?

- Uh...
- I-I made a pie.

- No, thank you.
- Yes!

- Karen!
- It's pie. You know I love pie.

Great. Yeah, I just...
I have so many feelings.

Go potty, put your shoes on.
We're gonna go, okay?


Whoa, Juan.
What are you doing, buddy?

You can't wear sneakers.
We gotta look good today.

Mom, have you seen
my phone?

Uh, no. Wait, you mean
the one in your hand?

Lita, honey,
did you go potty?

- I went potty!
- Okay, good job.

- Everybody go potty!
- Yeah, I went potty.

- Got that packet we're supposed to bring?
- Yeah, I'm all set.

- Let's go, guys.
- Let's go.

I'm gonna beat you!

Dad, can I drive?

To drive is you are?

No, no, no.

Give me your phone.

No distracted driving, okay?

- All right.
- All right?

- She's gonna drive.
- Oh, yeah?

Yes, but I have the phone
and I'll sit in the front

in case I have to grab the wheel
or shut down the power, okay?

Sandy, come on,
it's started!

- Did I make it?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's that?

Lizzy made it for me. You didn't get one?

You got a T-shirt?
You got a T-shirt?

You may all be seated.

Good morning, folks.

You know,
family court is important...

Wait. Wait! Wait!

Grandma Sandy's in the house.
We can begin.

Told you we'd make it.
Stop it!

- These seats are saved.
- Yeah, they're saved for me.

- Move over.
- Stop it!

- Go ahead, Judge.
- Thank you, Grandma Sandy.

She got a T-shirt.

You know, family court
is important work.

But it's difficult work.

We spend day in and day out
dealing with things

that we feel no family
should have to go through.

So on these rare days
when we get to smile at work,

these days mean
a great deal to all of us.

And I may not look it,
but I'm a huge cornball

and I live for this.



I love this song.

We are here today to
officially create a new family.

Peter and Elinore Wagner,

do you wish to adopt Juan, Lita,
and Lizzy into your family today?

- Yes, Your Honor.
- Yes, Your Honor.

It's just the song that's
got me a little emotional.

Juan, Lita, and Lizzy,

would you like Peter and Elinore
to be your mom and dad?


- Yes, please.
- Yes!

Well, then,

by the authority vested in me
by the state of California,

I pronounce you a family.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

- Would you like to take a picture with the judge?
- Yeah, sure. Thank you.

Yeah, let's do it.

That's gonna be us soon.

Oh, I'm part
of this family too.

- Okay, thank you.
- Wait, me too!

- I'd like to be in the picture.
- Are you sure? We're not...

We should all go.
I think they'd like that.

Okay. Okay.



Okay! Okay.

Anybody else?

Yeah, you too. Come on!

Okay, I think
that's everybody.

- Say "family."
- Family!

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