Iliza Shlesinger: Unveiled (2019) - full transcript

[uproarious cheering]

["The Bridal Chorus" plays
on electric guitar]

[continued cheering]

[cheering continues]

[cymbals, drums join electric guitar]

- [flames roar]
- [cheering intensifies]

[explosion]

[heavy metal version
of "The Bridal Chorus" playing]

[guitar solo]

[cheering continues]

[yelling] Thank you, Nashville!



[whooing]

Thank you.

So this year was a really important year
for me

because I got...

- [gruff vocalization]
- [audience cheers]

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

I appreciate that reciprocity.

I said something positive,
you gave me positivity back.

I was like, "I got married,"

and you were like,
"That's great. How old is she?"

- But like, you went...
- [audience laughs]

...for it.

I think sometimes as women



we're afraid to share good personal news
with people.

[women whoo]

Because we're afraid
that other women won't be happy for us.

What a scathing note

- to start a special out on.
- [laughing]

But all too often you say
something good like, "I got married,"

and what I'll get back is like...
[nasally] "Amazing."

- [Iliza laughs]
- [audience laughs]

I am here running on a platform

to eradicate the usage of the word...
[nasally] "amazing"...

[laughter]

...from our female vocabularies

because I know what "amazing" means. Okay?

Girls, when you say "amazing,"
I know you don't mean amazing.

Okay, so save it for your boyfriends.
[gruff] They are not paying attention.

[audience laughs]

I know what amazing means.

When a woman says "amazing,"
what she actually means is,

"This isn't about me
and I don't care and I'm a little insecure

but I wanna make sure
I'm being a good feminist

and saying 'amazing' back
when in actuality it's boring." Amazing.

- That's what that means.
- [cheering, clapping]

[nasally] Amazing.

We've become like robots just like,
"Amazing, amazing, amaz...

- [nasally] Amazing. It's amazing."
- [laughing]

Because in the wake of Me Too
and Time's Up,

all of these important,
very necessary movements,

what's come out of it
is women policing other women

and we walk around terrified
as women of being called bad feminists

by quite frankly other bad feminists.

So we all walk around
on this heightened alert like,

"She's amazing. I didn't say anything.
Don't get mad at me. I love all women.

No woman's ever made a mistake.
White jeans are always a great choice.

- Slay, queen." Terrified.
- [laughter]

Terrified.

[cheering, clapping]

That if we give an actual opinion,
we're going to get crucified.

That if you say any criticism,

some blogger in the back of the room
is like...

[muppet-like] "Female comic
shamed my choices by existing.

She hurt my fee-fees."
[indistinct groaning]

- That's what happens.
- [audience laughs]

So we all walk around and all we're doing

is blaming other women
for our own insecurities

and all of a sudden
everyone's shaming everyone

by sharing an opinion that you fought
so valiantly to get to exercise.

"You're shaming her. You're shaming her."

[yelling]
"I'm not. She fucked up my coffee order.

[roaring laughter]

No personal agenda.
I asked her to make it again."

This is why China is beating us.

- [laughing]
- [chuckles] Okay?

I'm a real feminist.

I judge you on the asshole
that you are, we go from there.

That's what it should be. Okay?

[whoos]

That's what it should be.

[clapping, whistling]

You liking another woman
should not be mandated.

That's not feminism,
that's communism.

- Okay?
- [cheers]

This idea that just because she showed up
I'm supposed to have this abundant love,

I can promise you this as a feminist.

I'm excited you showed up.
I'm excited you're capable.

I do not hate you
because you're younger than me

or prettier than me or as successful.

However, you showed up and so did I

so let's get it started
'cause life's a competition.

- [uproarious cheers]
- Like, let's do it that way. Okay?

[clapping]

[woman whoos]

And I know other women feel the same way,

not just because you're laughing
at what I'm saying,

but if you look at the language that women
consistently use to uphold one another,

the language is aggressive.
'Cause women are aggressive,

we're just not allowed to show it

because "likability and wrinkles."

- [laughing]
- So we keep everything...

But we're aggressive,

look at the words we use
on our "slay all day" tote bags

and our "feminists with to-do lists"
neckerchiefs.

- Look at the words. [chuckles]
- [laughter]

[nasally] "You're killing it."

[gruff] "I'm gonna kill you."

[roaring laughter]

"She's slaying it."

[gruff] "I'll slay you
in the fucking streets."

[audience laughs]

"Murdering it." "Wrecking it."

[demonic] "Shutting it down
in the name of the dark lord!"

- Like everything.
- [cheering]

It's just on fire. It's exhausting.

I don't have, at 36, the full energy
every time I see a woman to be like...

[yelling] "Kill it, queen! Mama.

- Amazing!"
- [laughing]

'Cause I'm so tired from doing
all the other shit society told me to do.

So if I see you, you're not going
to get the full welcome bouquet,

but it's not personal.

The most you're going to get
out of me is just... [gasps, grunts]

[roaring laughter]

[croaks]

So I got married and I married a chef,

another thing that
I was reticent to tell people

because of our country's
preconceived notions about chefs

and everybody has an opinion on food.

Everyone you know, you say,
"I married a chef." They're like...

[muppet-like] "I am a chef, sort of.
I film myself, I make it.

- I put my hand in the water!
- [laughing]

I'm in to cooking.
I have a food blog, I'm a foodie."

Nope, you're just huge.

- It's not... you're not a foodie.
- [uproarious laughter]

It's not the same.

"I love food."

I'm like, "Me too when I'm drunk
at 3:00 a.m. and there's a taco truck,

'I'm a foodie, '
but it's not the same thing."

- [laughing]
- "No, I have a blog.

I write mean comments in a Yelp page.
I'm hoping to get a series picked up

- based off of it.
- [laughter]

I love... I take pictures of my spaghetti
with a flash

so it looks like a snuff film."

[audience laughs]

Pro tip: don't take a picture
of your food. Period.

But don't take a picture
of your food with a flash.

It makes the food look like a hostage.

[laughing]

The food always looks scared.

Like, take a picture of spaghetti
with a flash, the spaghetti looks like,

it's like, "Please unchain me,
I won't tell anyone.

- [laughter]
- [hoarse] I promise to be loyal."

Everyone's involved with food now.

I think it's because of the Food Network,
the ubiquity of these cooking shows.

Everyone loves cooking
and the Food Network,

even if you haven't seen the Food Network,
you've seen the Food Network, right?

- Like, we've all seen Chopped, right?
- [affirming yell]

- [whoos]
- Yeah.

Inside your wicker basket,
you'll find a severed head and a grape,

make a frittata. Yes.

- [audience laughs]
- [woman whoos]

And everyone's a celebrity chef now.

Everyone's like a "celebrity chef."
You can't just be a chef.

When I was little, I don't remember
any boy saying they wanted to be chefs.

There were no celebrity chefs.

There were like a couple of them.
When your parents were kids,

there were like three fat French guys

- and Julia Child and like that was it.
- [laughing]

You weren't a chef, you were a cook
and you were a cook on accident.

You were a cook 'cause dudes
were coming home from Vietnam,

we didn't know what PTSD was yet,

they're like, "Bob's acting weird.

- Stick him in the back."
- [audience laughs]

[continued laughing]

[cackling]

"Female comic makes
scathing social commentary

- about our nation's treatment of veterans.
- [laughter]

Accurate but hurtful."

[cheering]

And because of how many food shows
there are out there,

the Food Network knows
what kind of chefs you like to watch,

so they cast the same archetypes
of chefs, right?

So there's always like a "bad boy" chef

and I didn't want people to think
I was married to that.

[laughing]

Like just a sack of rage,
fully tattooed piece of shit.

[gruff] "This is a devil's tooth,
here's your crepe, suck my dick, Karen!

- [audience laughs]
- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

These are gauges in my ears,

they also measure out an ounce
of responsibly-sourced tuna,

eat my butt, Susan!

- [roaring laughter]
- Just tough.

[yelling] Yeah, wallet chain.

I keep a knife in my truck
to do a fine chop on parsley,

- lick it. Just tough."
- [audience laughs]

There's always a bad boy chef
and there's always a lesbian chef.

[whoos]

There's always a lesbian chef

that takes cooking, like,
a little too seriously...

- [laughter]
- ...for this to be

an enjoyable viewing experience.
They're always posted up,

feet hip-width apart, like...
[husky] "Yes, chef!"

You're like, "Okay.

[laughing]

[Iliza chuckles]

- Can you just stand down?
- [roaring laughter]

Thank you for your dinner service,
but just relax."

[howling laughter]

"I make vegan wedding cakes."

- "You need to chill out."
- [audience laughs]

This is so aggressive, right?

They're always tough.

She always got a faux hawk and a bandanna.

- [laughter]
- And food-related tattoos.

[gruff] Like salt, pepper, sugar.
Like, yeah.

[roaring laughter]

Right? They're always like meaty.

Always a...
Always a little mean-looking, right,

but she always got
a dainty name, like "Charity"

'cause her parents weren't counting
on having a pit bull for a daughter.

[uproarious laughter]

[whooing, clapping]

[woman whoos]

"Chef Charity, what would you do
if you won today's episode?"

"I would take that money
so me and my girlfriend, Steph..."

[laughter]

- It's always Steph.
- [audience laughs]

There's no tough lesbians
out there like, "Hey there.

- [nasally] Stephanie."
- [audience laughs]

"Me and my girlfriend,
Steph, take that money,

move upstate, open up our own bakery
and bake everything from snatch."

- And then...
- [roaring laughter]

- Okay. Okay.
- [cheering]

There you are. There you are.

[continued cheering]

Not such a proper Southern crowd, are we?

[whooing]

I always like to see where my audience
has like gerrymandered its ethics

- for the evening's performance.
- [audience laughs]

Most of you laugh, there's always
a couple people in the back, like...

[Southern drawl] "She said snatch
so close to Sunday.

[laughing]

No.

No, ma'am.

[howling laughter]

I am uncomfortable.

[laughter]

It's unholy.

We got four churches on every corner,
but I feel uncomfortable."

[uproarious laughter, cheering]

"Female comic makes commentary
on social topography of neighborhood,

"can't tell what audience
is cheering for." Okay...

[audience laughs]

So we went on our honeymoon

and my husband really wanted
to go to Italy.

Really wanted to go. I didn't want to go.

- [indistinct grunt]
- [laughing]

I didn't want to go 'cause I'd been.
I wanted to go other places,

but he wanted to go because he's a chef
and Italy is like a food mecca,

so he wanted to make his hajj.

So he wanted to go to Italy
and I said yes, not because I love him

but because you can find alcohol
pretty much anywhere.

[laughter]

So we go and he nerded out.

He made a map,
a real eat-seeking map of the whole...

- [laughing]
- ...country.

And we didn't do the tourist stuff.
We went to like the foodie, cheffy places.

We went to the region where they grow
the grapes that the goats eat.

The special goats and they take a dump

and it makes the fertilizer

that makes the mushrooms.
If you eat them, you get detained.

- Like we did a whole thing.
- [roaring laughter]

[whoos]

And on, like, day five,

I was like, "I can't... [gurgles]
I can't do this anymore.

- [laughing]
- [guttural] I can't eat any more.

I want to pick something.

I cannot be carted around anymore
like a prize pig.

- I want to pick...
- [laughter]

I want to participate in this.
I want to pick the restaurant

and I want to order in Italian."

My husband goes, "You want to pick
the restaurant and order in Italian?"

I was like, "Yeah,
I've seen Lady and the Tramp,

- like, I know what's going on."
- [uproarious laughter]

The picking of the restaurant
wasn't that important to me.

It was speaking Italian in a restaurant
was important to me for one simple fact.

I didn't like the idea that as an American

I would walk into some random part
of Italy into a random restaurant

and have some random Italian waiter
think that I expected him,

in his own country,
to speak English, okay?

- [cheering]
- Yeah.

[clapping]

Although he probably should,
like that or Spanish or Mandarin,

- like something along those... So...
- [laughter]

But I'm hyperaware
of how we're perceived when we travel.

As an American and I am very,
very proud to be an American,

I know that people are watching us.

Yeah, you can cheer for that. That's fine.

[cheering, clapping]

They have questions.

A lot of them hate us

- 'cause they ain't us and they want...
- [laughter]

...a reason to discount you
and that goes for whoever you are,

whatever you look like from anywhere.

When you travel abroad and you fuck up,

people will decide,
"Oh, all of your kind are like that."

And I couldn't stomach that
'cause I am so proud to be an American

and I wanted him to think
all the great things about Americans

that we already think about ourselves.

- So I wanted...
- [laughing]

...to walk in and have him think
that we're educated and open-minded

and kind and if I'm shitcanned
and embarrassing in public,

I want people to know
I'm Canadian and I'm sorry.

[roaring laughter]

[whooing, clapping]

So I'm all set to speak Italian.

I've got the, like, translator thing.

I'm all ready to go,

he hands me a menu
and it's a steakhouse.

I'm like, "I'm gonna do this.
It'll be flawless Italian.

It'll be so impressive.
Everyone will be impressed.

They're gonna vote me mayor of Italy.
Open it up..."

And I open the menu and all
of their steaks were listed... [gasps]

...in grams.

[laughing]

There's a 500 gram steak.
[screaming] What the fuck is a gram?

[uproarious laughter]

I was so busy

focusing on coming off looking amazing
and the conjugation and the pronunciation,

I forgot the rest of the world

- uses metric to measure.
- [laughter]

The rest of the world uses fucking logic.

[audience laughs]

Tens, one hundreds. Yes!

[cheering]

[whoos]

We here in the United States,

we like to measure based...
[unearthly]...on a dream.

[laughter]

And I'm staring at this 500 gram steak

and the waiter's looking at me,
my new husband's looking at me

and I'm trying to do
the conversion math in my head

where my only frame of reference was like,

"Okay. Well, a gram of cocaine
is like that much."

- [uproarious laughter]
- [mouths words]

[screaming laughter]

[whooing]

[cackling]

Okay, you know what? We're just gonna do
an eight ball of steak.

[laughing]

For the table.

- Yeah.
- [cheering]

Thank you.

[whooing]

[Italian accent] Grazie mille.

[audience laughs]

I love it, Nashville turned up
for that cocaine joke.

[roaring laughter]

Oh, yeah. I heard a lot of guys laughing.

[gruff]
"Don't let the Vineyard Vines fool you,

I fucking love rails!

[audience laughs]

I may have little whales
embroidered on my shorts

- but I like to fuck and party.
- [howling laughter]

Yeah. You can seersucker my dick."

- [cheering]
- Love the South.

[whooing]

So I got married about a year ago.

I've had about a year to think on it,
ruminate on it, marinate on it,

and I think what's fascinating
about getting married is

it's one of the few acts
you can go through in this lifetime

where once you do it once
you come out the other end an expert.

[laughter]

Totally omniscient, you know everything.

You do it once,
you come out the other end,

you know everything about weddings,
every detail.

The problem is nobody wants
your shitty wedding advice.

[laughter]

Like no one.

Other women will ask you advice
as a way of ingratiating themselves

or perhaps bonding with you.

We as women are often taught

if we act like we don't know
what's going on

and we need help
other people will find us more palatable.

So you say to other women, like...
[muppet-like] "You got married?

I'm getting married.
I don't know what's going on.

What color is white?
Is my foot in a bear trap? Help me!"

[audience laughs]

And the other woman
thinking she's helping you

and doing something right,

she's like, "Oh, okay.
You want advice, great.

Okay, so for my wedding,
what I found helpful..."

But the whole time she's talking,
all you're sitting there thinking is,

"Oh, my God, that is a tacky-ass wedding,
you're a dumb hooker."

- [howling laughter]
- The whole time.

- [cheering]
- Yeah.

Because every girl thinks
every other girl kind of fucked it up

- and you'll do better.
- [laughter]

You won't, and on that note,

I've come humbly offering
some wedding advice to you, Nashville.

[uproarious cheering, clapping]

One thing you must know,

the wedding industry is not designed
to bring two loving souls together

under the State and/or God,

it is designed to extract
your money from your wallet,

pit you against other women
and make you feel like garbage fire.

- That's what it's there for. Okay?
- [whooing]

There's a litany of requirements,
social, cultural, traditional.

All these things, everything's got
a price tag, everything takes up time

and I'll tell you what,
I paid for my wedding personally.

So you can best believe
I took a red Sharpie

and went down that list of bullshit

and if it didn't involve me
taking off my shoes,

drinking tequila
or listening to Garth Brooks,

we did not fucking do it.

- [blows into mic]
- [cheering]

Yes.

[continued cheering]

That's right, Nashville.

The theme of my wedding was feminism.

No one had a good time.

[whooing]

But there's all these things,
all these requirements,

all these traditions, these things,

and I took a comedian's
microscopic lens to each thing

and was like,
"Is it weird? We're not doing it."

So the first thing I refused to do,

I would not wear a garter, okay?

[uproarious cheers]

Okay. Okay.

Some of you cheered,

some of you were like,
"I'm still wearing mine. What's up?

- [audience laughs]
- What the fuck is up, Hollywood?"

[laughter]

I'm glad that not everyone
cheered for that

because it sets up
my next point perfectly.

Okay?

It's important to me
that me and my audience

be on the same mental page
for the rest of the set.

Okay, right now in 2019,

more than it was
five minutes ago, right now,

it's the best time it's ever been
to be a woman in most states.

- It's the best time.
- [laughing]

I said it, I meant it.

- The best time. Okay?
- [cheering]

[clapping, whooing]

But overall,

we are the most heard, the loudest
in our message, the most unified.

However, with this newfound sense
of feminism, I have noticed

that there's this weird splinter-faction
of feminists, of women who get angry

at other women when they deign
to disagree with an opinion

and then it's not enough
to agree to disagree.

They want you fucking dead.

- [laughing]
- I am talking drawn and quartered

in a Twitter town square.

[laughter]

Because you hurt their feelings.

So I get up here... As a joke.

No harm intended.

It's a funny time,

and I get up here and I'm like,
"Don't wear a garter, it's trashy,"

and I get that same blogger
in the back of the room,

like, "Female comic shamed
my wedding-day choices

and I don't have the social wherewithal
to confront her in person

so I'm just going to hurl
these insult turds

- from behind a faceless avatar."
- [audience laughs]

- [cheering]
- So...

So,

since we're all so hurt
and gutless all the time,

I'm going to stick to my initial notion.

You look like a saloon hooker.

[whooing]

Okay?

- Go get married at a Six Flags.
- [audience laughs]

Girls, there's got to be a middle ground
where someone disagrees with you

and you get the fuck over it.

- Okay? You don't have to hate her.
- [cheering]

Don't have to hold on to it.

[continued cheering]

One woman's affirmation
of her life choices

is not the negation of your existence.

- Be better than that. Okay?
- [whooing]

Yeah.

We can't walk around

calling ourselves queens.

"I'm a queen. She doesn't like my top!"
[screeches]

- [laughter]
- Who cares? Move the fuck on.

And you know who does this better? Men.

They agree to disagree
all the time and they're fine.

You see it all the time.

Guy's like, "He's my best friend.
I don't like his politics and he's stupid.

- He's a son of a bitch, but...
- [laughing]

I love him. We didn't get along at first.

We went out back.
We had a drink. We fought.

We had a little bit of sex
and we were good to go.

- [roaring laughs]
- Good to go!"

[cheering]

[whistling]

That's what we must do, girls.
Just move on.

You want to wear a garter, wear it.
I'm not going to be at your wedding,

you wear it with pride.

- I want to see...
- [laughing]

I want to see every one
of your wedding pictures,

you, garter on, dress hiked up,
holding a shotgun, like...

[uproarious laughter, cheering]

- $5,000 reward, sepia tone. Like that's...
- [audience laughs]

Remember sepia tone?

What's a garter?

Some of you might be wondering.

[laughter]

Perhaps you're from the future
where they've eradicated this practice.

[laughing]

A garter is

a Barbie doll scrunchie...

[audience laughs]

...forged of the finest polyester lace.

[laughing]

Comes in one size.

[quick blow into mic]

[laughing]

Shame.

[audience laughs]

And you, on your wedding day,

among the one million things
you're in charge of, girls,

are also tasked with taking
this fucking NuvaRing...

[roaring laughter]

...and hoisting it up your leg.

God forbid on the wedding day

we give women a break
with the body-image issues.

[laughter, whoos]

And be like,
"Oh, what? That goose-choker?

[audience laughs]

That lap-band for a chinchilla?
Yeah, you could just...

- [laughing]
- [Iliza chuckles]

You can just wear that
at the ankle, that's fine.

You can just wear that
where everything tapers."

[hoarse] "No! You got to get it up.
Get it up here."

To this thick-ass traffic jam.

[audience laughs]

- [indistinct growl]
- [continued laughing]

[cheering, clapping]

Of just ice-cold fat and skin and dinner,

- just thick.
- [laughter]

I live in L.A. They're like, "You can
freeze it off if you don't like it."

I'm like,
"I've done North Dakota winters.

- It did not go anywhere."
- [audience laughs]

"Female comic shames her own thigh
and in doing so makes millions of women

question their own thighs.

Why can't you love your thighs?"

- Because I am a white woman, okay?
- [laughing]

- We don't know.
- [cheers]

We haven't figured that out.

Women of color for a couple years now
have been like, "This is a thigh."

And society's been like,
"That is a thigh. We celebrate it."

White women somehow,

we're still like,
"Uh-uh, I'm gonna shave it down.

- I'm gonna make it small.
- [laughter]

[uproarious cheering]

Be small.

I'm gonna fuse my rib cage to my shin.

- Be cage and shin. Snip, snip.
- [laughing]

You won't even see it.

I'm the crab woman.
You won't even know it.

[continued laughing]

No thighs, can't see them. Can't be big.

No thighs. If I walk,
I'm gonna put my thighs in the background,

put my tits in the foreground
and walk around like this.

[audience laughs, cheers]

[whooing, clapping]

From here to here,

I am a woman, but from here to here
I want to be a ten-year-old Japanese boy.

Thin!"

[screaming laughter]

[cackling]

[whoos]

[cheering]

And it never looks nice.

Your leg has to be the length
of your body...

[inhales]...for it to look nice.

You look down,
you finally get it up there,

you're like, "It looks like I put
a mini tennis skirt on a Christmas ham.

[audience laughs]

It hurts."

And it's tight.

Of course, it's tight.

It's a garter.
It's meant to hold up clothing.

And right now all it's holding up
is that blood flow.

[laughter]

Blood, like, trying to get to the artery.

- You're like... [indistinct grunting]
- [laughing]

Your skin is just...

- [blows twice into mic]
- [audience laughs]

...MoonPieing out on either side.

[laughing]

You're staring down at your corpulent leg

- as it pulsates.
- [laughter]

With stagnant blood.

It's turning a light shade of blue.

You're like,
"I'm the night queen. I don't know.

- [laughing]
- What is this?"

You don't have time to ponder
the deadening of your leg.

You don't have time.
You got to get yourself over

to the dance floor, sweet tits.
That's right.

[breathless] You gotta get yourself
over to the dance floor

where you and your new husband
are going to perform a weird,

- sexual garter-removal dance...
- [cheering]

[yelling, guttural]
...in front of your family!

- [continued cheering]
- [Iliza screams]

- Your mother is there!
- [laughter]

You're sitting there spread-eagle,
she's like, "I'll get it on tape,

I'll be there for the conception.
This is excellent."

Your father is there
and he loves you, girls,

but he is tapped out. He's like...
[gruff] "Yeah, fuck her, I don't know.

[uproarious laughter]

He's a good guy and this is good shrimp.

[laughing]

It's good shrimp.
It's a cash bar, but they're trying."

[laughter]

So you got to get over there
for that dance.

So you go to the dance floor,

- you drag your now purple...
- [laughing]

...stump

over to... [gasps]

- ...a single chair.
- [laughter]

- [whoos]
- A single chair

that has been ominously placed
in the center of the dance floor.

[audience laughs]

[elderly]
You are meant to sit in this chair...

[laughter]

...my child.

[uproarious laughter]

- Sit down.
- [cheering, clapping]

And you're like, "Sit, okay. I wasn't
planning on enjoying myself, but okay."

[audience laughs]

Sit in the chair? Well,
that's easier said than done, isn't it?

'Cause you're a bride like me
or a bride that chose a dress

that was form over function.

- [laughter]
- Your dress is tight.

You're a bride like me
that perhaps chose a dress

that was a size,
maybe half a size too small, right?

'Cause you told yourself
you were gonna lose the weight

for the wedding,
but you didn't lose the weight, did ya?

- [laughing]
- No.

No, in fact,
you gained two pounds just trying.

- [continued laughing]
- Yeah.

So that dress is tight and you are trying
to make yourself thin and compact

in the moment, right?

You got all your carry-on luggage up here.

[roaring laughter]

Trying to extend the torso,
tuck in the tailbone,

- protecting the spine, moving with breath.
- [laughing]

All the way down, slowly, slowly.

You're like that goat in the cage

in that first Jurassic Park like...
[bleats]

[laughing, whooing]

How does she work that noise
into every special?

[audience laughs]

- [bleats]
- [cheering]

[clapping]

Slowly lowering yourself down,
praying to God that you don't experience

the one female-specific sartorial mishap
there's no coming back from.

When you're a woman, there's a lot
that can go wrong. You snap a heel.

[mumbles]
You have an accident on your period.

Your bra strap, whatever.

[breathless] But none is more embarrassing
than the horror

of going to sit down
and having the back of your dress

burst open.

- [booming vocalizations]
- [laughing]

'Cause it couldn't contain your lady meat.

- [blows into mic]
- [cheering]

[blows into mic]

[guttural scream]

[Hulk-like]
You won't like me when I'm married.

- [whooing]
- [blowing in mic]

[laughing]

I don't think the Hulk threw his shit,
but...

- [laughter]
- [nasally]...this Hulk does.

So you finally sit down, right?
You go down to the hem of your skirt,

it's time to show off
that $2.45 investment, right?

You gotta show off that garter.

You go to lift up the hem
and that's when you realize

you only put on fake tanner to the knee.

[audience laughs]

I'll be brave. [inhales]

- Blinded... No!
- [laughing]

So you put your little white-orange
Dreamsicle leg out there.

[laughter]

Right?

And you sit there and you wait

and I believe what is to come next
is ostensibly your first real test

as a married couple.

But, of course,
the onus is on the woman to pass this test

because it's on you, girls, to sit there
and remain facially-excited...

- [Iliza chuckles]
- [laughing]

...and turned on
at your new choice in mate,

as your new husband emerges
from the smoke of the DJ lights.

[mic thuds]

[uproarious laughter, cheering]

[whooing]

[clapping]

And you're just sitting there like...
[high-pitched] "That's my baby.

- [laughing]
- That's who I might have a family with."

His tuxedo jacket is off,
so you as the bride

are treated to this sweat map
of South America.

[audience laughs]

And you have to sit there

ladylike but also excited,
but also demure, but also horny.

- [laughter]
- And sit there

while your new husband
goes under your dress...

This is the most expensive dress
you're probably ever going to wear.

...and he's rooting around under it.

[roaring laughter]

Like a ghost schnauzer.

[audience laughs]

- You're like, "That's my husband."
- [laughter]

He now must remove the garter

but according to weird wedding tradition
he's not allowed to use his hands.

- What must he use, Nashville?
- [all] Teeth!

- [indistinct gurgling]
- [roaring laughter]

[woman whoos]

So he gets under there,
slides his five-o'clock shadow...

[audience laughs]

...up your five-o'clock shadow.

[laughing, clapping]

[whooing]

The viscous exchange of Drakkar Noir
with Bath & Body Works Plumeria.

[laughter]

Gets up here around this side hustle.

[continued laughter]

Clamps down on that garter
with, let's hope, wolf-like precision.

[audience laughs]

Slides it down
your sweaty fucking ham hock...

[roaring laughter]

[clapping]

...to the ground

and then he eats it.

- [laughing]
- I don't know what happens.

I've never watched the full YouTube video.

- [cheering]
- Okay.

- So, no garter. [chuckles]
- [laughter]

And I did not want to wear a veil

over my face.

It's okay.

Piercing deafening silence.

[audience laughs]

- One sad "whoo" in the back, it's fine.
- [laughter]

One girl's like,
"Whoo, I'm still gonna do it."

[audience laughs]

[mouths words]

That's fine.
You'll get on board eventually.

[laughing]

I don't like the idea that as a...
[breathes into mic]

[laughter]

What I want...

- [intermittently blowing into mic]
- [laughing]

[cheering]

[whooing]

I don't like the notion that because
I'm a woman and it's tradition,

my vision of a current situation...
[huffs]

...let alone an important one...
[huffs]

[laughter]

...should ever be obfuscated

in the name of tradition,
expectation or fashion.

- Okay, I can't see.
- [whooing]

- [huffing into mic]
- [cheering]

This is an important day

and I'm fucking over here
like John Cena.

- "You Can't See Me." What is this?
- [roaring laughter]

Watching the whole thing through gauze?

- [laughing]
- I planned... [huffs]

I planned this part of the wedding.
I planned the whole wedding, okay?

If you're a girl, you had a lot to do
with it and you don't get to see it.

Homeboy did nothing.

[audience laughs, cheers]

And because he's a boy,
he gets an unencumbered 360-view

of the entire service.

I'm sitting here in a bridal hurt locker.
[huffing]

[laughing]

The girl did everything.

[dowdy voice]
"Female comic assumes gender-roles."

Fuck, yeah. Only women have a bandwidth
for this kind of bullshit.

[clapping]

She did everything.

[cheering]

[breathing heavily into mic]

You're the one that for the past year
has been clawing at your mother

like, "It's buttercream,
not French vanilla, there's a difference!"

- You're the one doing it.
- [laughing]

Put the veil over the boy,
he doesn't care.

[roaring laughter]

[whoos]

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care about the details.
He loves you.

Okay, he bought the ring.
He asked you to spend his life with him.

It's enough, put the veil over the cage

like a blanket over a parrot.

- [parrot mimic] Night-night.
- [audience laughs]

Polly go night-night.

And then when it comes
for the important part,

like, "Do you take this woman?"
[mimic] "Polly does."

- Put it back down. It's fine.
- [laughing]

- He doesn't care.
- [cheering]

[clapping, whooing]

Put a game on in there like, "Bye-bye."

He doesn't care.
No man cares. He loves you.

He thinks you're beautiful,
wants to marry you. That's it.

No man cares.
You're sitting there shrouded in mystery.

No man's ever going
to be standing there like,

"I know you can't see this,
but I'll tell you what. You were right,

- peonies were an excellent filler flower."
- [laughing]

And you're sitting there like...
[monstrous] "Describe it to me.

- [audience laughs]
- [heavy breathing into mic]

- I wish to know.
- [laughter]

[heavy breathing into mic]
Is my sister here? Does she look jealous?

[laughing]

[breathing continues]

I'm just a humble beekeeper
but one day..."

- [uproarious laughter]
- [final exhale]

Moreover, I think it's creepy.

I think there's something
a little eerie about a bride.

If I describe to you a bride
independent of the context of a wedding...

- [whoosh]
- [laughing]

[eerily hums "The Bridal Chorus"]

[laughing]

- [eerie humming continues]
- [continued laughing]

[clapping]

- [guttural] ♪ Be mine forever ♪
- [roaring laughter]

- [cheering]
- [continued humming]

- [growling] Till death do us part.
- [audience laughs]

[whoos]

The pace with which the bride walks
is unnerving, right?

[laughter]

You don't tend to see this gait

independent of a haunting.

[audience laughs]

However, the bride moving slowly
is the least creepy of the options

because let me ask you this, Nashville.

What's creepier, okay?

[elderly] A veiled woman

walking towards you at this pace?

[laughing]

Or this running at you?

[roaring laughter]

[cheering, clapping]

[whooing]

[eerie screaming vocalizations]

[laughter]

"What happened to that bride?"

"I don't know.
She jumped into that mirror."

[audience laughs]

I don't want to cover my face. Two hours
in hair and makeup just to be like...

[uptight] "All right,
let's get you covered up.

[laughing]

Cover that shit."

[laughter]

I would have worn the veil over my face

if it was, like,
really important to my mom.

Like if that meant everything to her.

I would have done it if she begged me.

If she was like,
"I wore the... I covered my shit and...

[laughing]

And your grandma covered her face
and your grandpa...

We're a progressive family.

- ...he covered his face."
- [laughter]

I would have done it,
but I would have had a 'tude about it.

- [laughing]
- I would've put the flap down...

- [grumbling]
- [laughter]

[blows raspberry]
...and be like, "You may kiss the bride."

Then he'd lift it, I'd be like,
"You know it's me, motherfucker."

[uproarious laughter]

[cheering]

[whooing]

[screaming cheers]

Yeah.

You know it's me, we Ubered here together.

[audience laughs]

I watched you hit "Split Fare."

- You know it's me.
- [laughing]

[continued laughing]

Unpopular opinion,
actually popular opinion,

just unpopular
publicly-declared sentiment,

getting married is not that much fun.

- [cheering]
- Yeah.

You're not allowed to say that,

especially if you're a woman,
God forbid, over 30.

[uptight] "Well, you're just lucky
that the Lord sent you someone...

[laughter]

...to put up with your shit.

Kissing your dog on the mouth.
Stop taking videos."

[audience laughs, cheers]

There is a world where you can admit
that something is difficult

but also love the byproduct of it.

I love my husband,
but the wedding part is exhausting.

It is a physical and mental
and financial just gauntlet.

Even down to the last minute,
the wedding itself.

The whole year is exhausting planning it.

It's fun, you love your mom.
[snarls] But it's a whole thing.

But even just the day of.
Let's talk about the day of.

What happened on the day
of your wedding, girls, right?

You had to prepare for it,
like you woke up early.

[peaceful sigh]
Just want to greet the sun.

- [laughter]
- [peaceful exhale]

Got up at like 6:00,
like when your dad gets up.

- [hacking vocalization]
- [laughing]

Right? What, did you meditate?
"I just want to be centered."

Right? You worked out
like it matters the day of. It doesn't.

[laughter]

It doesn't. You're not going
to lose any weight at the buzzer.

- It's not going to... [shrieks]
- [audience laughs]

It's never going to happen.

What did you do?

You did your little workout
and then you got your makeup done

and your nails and a massage
and a colonic and a hyperbaric chamber

and a hyper...

hyperbolic chamber.

[nasally] Amazing.

And you got a situation room
and a silence cone

- and a shame corner and a Reiki healing.
- [laughing]

And you went ghost hunting,
you did all this stuff.

[laughter]

[cackling]

What did your husband do
on your wedding day?

I'll tell you, he woke up like whenever.

[audience laughs]

Went out to eat with his buddies.

"Something tasty,
doesn't matter if I'm fat

'cause I'm a funny guy." Went...

[uproarious laughter]

[whoos]

Who cares if it's bloated?

Right, then he went and got a haircut...

[shrieking]...on the day of the wedding!
Are you kidding me?

- [roaring laughter]
- [continued shrieking]

- What faith you have in this barber.
- [audience laughs]

Went out, had a drink,

went home, jerked off, took a dump.
Who says you can't lose weight?

- Right, fellas?
- [laughing]

Who says you can't lose weight day of?

- Yeah.
- [cheering, clapping]

Yeah, probably about 500 grams.

[audience laughs]

He took a nap, he woke up
to an alarm labeled "Wedding for you?"

- He barely made it.
- [laughing]

The bride, it just doesn't seem
like the bride is having as much fun

as everyone else
because she is the one that planned it

and she wants everything to be perfect.

They don't tell you
that when you have a wedding,

you have to plan every moment
because people,

when they get in a group,
it's mob mentality

and they don't think
like they normally would.

Okay, so you would think logically,
like...

[uptight] "We said 'I do' in this room
and that room's got food on tables.

[laughing]

Should go from A to B,
shortest distance. No problem."

People are walking into walls like Sims.

[audience laughs]

[continued laughing]

You have to shepherd them.
You have to coordinate it.

Everything you do
has to have coordination.

People have to be let in.
You have to plan for these moments

that seem organic.

I will give you an example.
So, if you're the couple

that wants that moment
where after you say "I do"

and you run out of the religious part

and you get announced
into the room, right?

If you're the couple that wants
to have the DJ to everyone at the party

be like, "For the first time,
Mr. and Mrs. Raccoon."

- [indistinct yelling]
- [laughing]

[gruff yelling]
Have all your babies, yeah!

- If you...
- [laughter]

...want that moment,
you have to plan for it.

Meaning, if you want that reveal,
you, after you say "I do,"

have to haul ass out of that room,

go to a fucking broom closet
in a Ramada Inn,

sign away your goats,
his chickens, stamp it, kiss me.

Okay, then you go and you take
your couples pictures

and while you're doing that
they're setting up the party room

and you have to provide
a cocktail hour for your guests.

So that's three parties.
The party they're going to,

this party and then
the one they had before

'cause they're gonna get liquored up

- to listen to "YMCA."
- [laughter]

So they're there
and you have to provide that party,

a party that you're paying for
that you're not invited to.

- [audience laughs]
- [indistinct growl]

[laughing]

My wedding planner was like,
"So did you want to do,

like, an oyster bar for your guests?"

I was like, "Do I get to eat
the delicious oysters?"

She's like, "No, you're going
to be in the closet taking pictures.

You don't get to partake."

I'm like, "Then they can eat corn dogs
and wait in their cars."

- [audience laughs]
- Okay.

Tapped out. Tapped out.

[clapping]

It just felt like the bride
is the last one to have fun.

Even if you have a fun ceremony.

Some couples like that.

Some couples like a quiet,
spiritual ceremony

with crying and saying I'm sorry.
Some people like...

[laughing]

...a fun service,
some people like to dance.

Like white people love to come down
the aisle to that Bruno Mars song, like...

♪ Hey baby ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna marry you ♪
- [laughing]

♪ Marry you... ♪

The bridesmaids and the groomsmen,

one who was like a cheer captain
in middle school,

was like, "We go up, you go down.
Hit it. Go, Cougars. Marry you."

And then you do it
and it's a whole thing, right?

So everyone has fun with it.

So the first ones that come down...
Girls, it does not matter who you marry,

every man has the same group of friends.

- [laughing]
- Every man has the same groom-pod, okay?

First one to come
walking down that aisle...

Every man's got
that one friend that's too big, okay?

- [laughter]
- He's like 6'9".

His name is Donk.

- He's just like...
- [roaring laughter]

[clapping]

...walking on two snapped Achilles
and all head injuries...

[gruff] "Donk."

[laughing]

Everyone's, "Oh, Donk's
doing the choreography, barely."

- [indistinct grumbling]
- [audience laughs]

- [grumbling continues]
- "Go, Donk!"

"I am Donk."

[laughter]

[grumbling]

"Put that baby down!"

"Donk is hungry."

- [indistinct honking]
- [laughing]

Then the funny friend.

Every man you date will have
that one friend that's funny.

He never shuts up, his name is Daniel,

- and he comes down the aisle...
- [laughing]

[grunting] "Yeah!"

...and he doesn't see a congregation,

he sees an audience.

So he's going up to your nana like,

- "Oh, yeah, Nana. Yeah."
- [laughing]

Right? And they're loving it.
You're loving it. He's like, "Yeah."

And the more they laugh,
he's like, "Uh-oh."

And then he goes off book.
He's like, "Yeah, I do the sprinkler

- and whatever the hell this is."
- [audience laughs]

[cheering]

[whooing]

And they're loving... and people
are laughing at your wedding,

bride's not even there yet.
Everyone's having a good time.

She's in the back,
breathing into a fucking paper bag.

- [laughing]
- And they think Daniel is so funny.

Then they turn to me,
"Isn't Daniel funny, Iliza?

You're doing it, bravo.
Move your dick more.

This is great. Daniel's so fun...

Iliza, isn't Daniel funny?

He should've been a comic."
He could've been.

[gasps] But something happened
senior year at Duke.

The girl never woke up
but it was wrong place, wrong time.

He deferred for a year while his parents
put together a defense fund.

He didn't do anything wrong,
but it didn't look very good to apply

to other schools so he deferred
and took community college credits.

His CPA degree wasn't what he wanted,
but he won't graduate on time.

- But he did graduate.
- [laughing]

- ♪ Marry you, marry you, marry you ♪
- [screaming laughter]

[cheering, whooing]

The bridesmaids come down
like, "This is a strapless bra.

This isn't fun.

[audience laughs]

I slept with Daniel."

- ♪ Marry you, marry you ♪
- [laughter]

Now the groom comes down
and he's in sunglasses.

[grunts]
"I'm in sunglasses. Isn't this funny?

I'm indoors, what a juxtaposition.

[audience laughs]

I'm in sunglasses, which is an homage
to Risky Business, which is a movie

about what, Nashville? Hookers!"

- [uproarious laughter]
- ♪ Marry you ♪

"Everyone get serious, she's here."

- [indistinct, scary vocalizing]
- [laughing]

- [indistinct grunting]
- [continued laughing]

[whooing, clapping]

She was last.
She missed out on all the fun.

All I want is for brides to have fun

- in 2020, that's my campaign.
- [cheering]

- That's it.
- [whooing]

No foreign relations change,
no tax refund.

Nothing like that.
No tax reform, just brides having fun.

- I think I can win.
- [laughter]

[whoos]

So here's my idea for brides to have fun.

If I tell it to you,
will you promise to do it?

[uproarious cheering]

Okay.

Take one part red food coloring,
one part corn syrup.

- Mix it in a bowl, a reusable bowl.
- [laughter]

Mix it.

Stick it in your mouth,

back of the chapel.

[laughter]

[menacing, growling laughter]

- [scary vocalizations]
- [audience cheers]

[indistinct growling]

[audience whoos]

[menacing rendition of "The Bridal March"]

[audience laughing]

[gruff] ♪ This is gonna be metal ♪

- [audience cheers]
- [finishes "The Bridal March" playfully]

"You may kiss the bride."
Girls, he lifts your flap,

that's when you... [screams]

- [mic thuds]
- [roaring laughter]

[cheering]

[continued cheering]

"Help me get back to the mirror!

[audience laughs]

- [blows raspberry]
- [continued laughter]

[clapping]

[indistinct vocalization]

[laughter]

[continued laughter]

[nasally] I do."

[uproarious laughter, cheering]

[clapping]

This is a question
for the men in the audience,

and keep in mind, boys, it is rhetorical
before you yell out your gem of an answer.

[audience laughs]

This is a scripted program.

[laughter]

My question for you is why?

Why would you want
to cover your girl's face?

These guys are like...
[gruff] "We don't.

[laughing]

She wanted to wear the veil.
I said, 'Okay.'

I was enabling her feminism, I don't...

I agree. What? I'm not heckling her.

- [laughter]
- I'm not... We don't want...

I'm not yelling, she asked a question.
I feel maligned right now.

- [laughing]
- I don't wanna cover her face. What?

You're giving me shit. She's the one...

You know what?
Get up, I gotta take a piss. Get up.

[laughter]

I don't care what they...
I don't even know who you are.

I bought this as a Christmas present
for her.

[laughing]

Your tickets went on sale
a long time ago.

- [cheering]
- Okay.

What? You said this was gonna be about
peacocks and baby legs

and so far, I don't know."

[whooing]

[cheering, clapping]

- [dowdy voice] "Accurate."
- [audience laughs]

When I say her face, gentlemen,

is a big part of the reason
that you're with her...

- "What about the tits?" For sure.
- [audience laughs]

For sure.

Okay. In fact, that should be a big part
of the veil-lifting ceremony.

[laughing]

But the girl gets to do it.

If she wants.

"You may kiss the bride."

He lifts the flap and then the girl goes,

"Check it out."

[roaring laughter]

[cheering]

[whooing]

It's a great idea.

Think... Let me pitch you on this.

Think of the money to be made

on a bridal tit-flap.

[audience laughs]

Right?

Think of how we could market it.

Think of how we could pitch it like,

"Hey, sharks."

[roaring laughter, cheering]

[sighs] Now, when I say her face
and her body, gentlemen,

are big parts of the reason
you're with her,

that's not a knock against men.

That's never my MO.

I think sometimes people hear
that a woman is speaking.

They're like, "Oh, she must hate men."
That's bullshit, okay?

You can be pro-woman
without being anti-man.

- We have to adjust that, okay?
- [whooing]

My motivation has never been
to shit on men.

My motivation is to shit on everyone
and together we rise.

[cheering]

Yes!

Like a shit phoenix.

Men make up 50% of my audience.
I love men.

I married one and I slept with a bunch
of hot ones right before, so...

[cheering]

Right before.

When I say her face
and her body are big parts

of the reasons you're with her
that's commentary, not on superficiality,

that's commentary
on the way men's brains are wired,

a subject I find endlessly fascinating
and I write a lot of material about it.

- Okay?
- [laughter]

Men are visual creatures,
I've stated this before.

They're visual creatures, which means,
girls, they have to be

physically attracted to you
for at least a second

to get engaged
and then want to get to know,

like, your amazing personality.

- That's the way it goes.
- [laughing]

It doesn't have to be the whole thing,
it could be a hair. Just a whisker.

Just a nub.
They're like, "Hey, what's that?"

- It goes looks...
- [audience laughs]

...looks, hook him,
and then your heart of gold reels him in.

- That's what it is.
- [laughing]

It does not go the other way.

No man's ever been like,
"I want to set you up with a girl."

And that guy's been, "All right, tell me
about her remarkable charity work first."

- No.
- [audience laughs]

They're attracted to you.

And then they move in. Okay?

He saw you and then
the rest of it was yours, okay?

He saw you at work, at a bar, on an app,

through your window
for the last six months.

- He saw you...
- [laughing]

...approached you, fingers crossed,
like, "Please don't be a lunatic."

You turned around,

you're like, "This is my shoulder iguana
and I'm a Taurus.

It means a lot to me. Let's go."

- He's like, "Okay.
- [laughter]

That's fine, she seems warm."

You want a man that is wired that way
for as annoying as it can be.

Like, "Men are pigs."
You want a man that is visually-wired

because that's the correct way
to be wired, okay?

"I don't care about her looks."
Yeah, 'cause she's hot. So, nice try.

[laughing]

You don't want a man
that's wired the other way.

A man would have to be so broken
by society to be like, "I don't care

what she looks like,
just don't let her spit in my food."

- You want a man...
- [laughter]

And rather than get angry about the way
that they're naturally wired,

all while crying like,
"Accept me for who I am,

but you better change who you are, boys."

Rather than get angry at that,

let's use this information,
rather than rage against the patriarchy.

Let's use the information we have

to work within the confines
of the structure...

[croaking]...as we have for millennia.

- [laughter]
- And gather information, okay?

If he has to be attracted to you
in order to want to get to know you,

that means he must be attracted to you
in order to stay with you.

That means if he's with you,
he thinks you're beautiful

and he does not see all the ugliness
that you think you see. Okay?

- [cheering]
- Yes.

He's incapable.

All the problems
society says are wrong with you,

he hasn't been brainwashed
into thinking that, okay?

So when you were getting ready
like I was for the show and you're like,

"I'm so fat.
They won't even let me in the building

and asked me to resurface this whole...
Cover it up." [laughs]

[audience laughs]

He doesn't see any of it.

He thinks you're beautiful.
Give him a break.

- Okay?
- [audience awws]

[cheering, clapping]

If he loves you, if this is a first date,

- I don't fucking know what's gonna happen.
- [laughing]

But men are very visual, women are not.

We are cerebral.

We are cerebral creatures, which means
we don't have to be attracted to you

- to fall in love with you.
- [laughter]

We're cerebral creatures, which means
we can fall in love with you...

[shrieking]
...despite your stupid fucking face!

[laughing, cheering]

[clapping]

Girls, if you're on a date,
don't cheer too loud.

[indistinct grunting]

[laughing]

Every woman in this room
has at some point gone out with a man

less attractive than she simply because...

[warbled] "He makes me laugh."

[audience laughs]

[roaring laughter]

It's true. Every woman,
at some point in her life,

has gone out, dated, loved
an absolute fucking hobgoblin...

[laughing]

...simply because like,

"He's real good with business"
or some shit, right?

[laughter]

And there's this weird allowance
we get as women

where you are allowed to, like in public,

say that the man you love
and are with is not attractive.

[laughter]

"But he's real, real sweet."
Like, in front of his face.

[laughing]

Like, at a dinner party.

[continued laughing]

You're allowed to be like, "Sean?

I don't know. He's no Brad Pitt."

[audience laughs]

And Sean's
the first motherfucker to be like,

- "Yeah, I am not an attractive man.
- [laughing]

[cheering]

But I own a boat
and I'm fucking her, so...

Yeah!"

[roaring cheers, laughter]

[whooing]

It's not okay.
No one loves to be called ugly,

but when you call a guy ugly,
they're very honest about it

because a man knows his worth
does not hinge on the way he looks,

nor does it hinge
on the way people perceive his looks.

When you're a girl,
that is an inextricable part

of your experience on this planet

and will be held against you
no matter what you look like.

Obviously it's better
to be better-looking, but...

[laughter]

...when you're attractive at all,

you are up for the slings and arrows
of judgment from men, women.

[drawl] "She's a skank."
"She must not be smart."

"I bet she steals boyfriends."
"She's probably an idiot."

If you're ugly, it's like,
"I bet she gets worse in the moonlight."

- You're always...
- [laughing]

Jobs, boyfriends, perception,
your rise in our society,

hinges on your looks and other people's
take on the way that you look.

For men, not so much
because they can still be charismatic

and attractive to women,
even if they're hideous.

You can have bad hair
and date a supermodel.

You can be structurally-fucked
and still run the Free World.

- Like, you can do these things.
- [laughing, cheering]

[whoos]

It's interesting because
we all wanna be treated equally,

we all wanna be treated the same
but I don't think that's gonna happen

for a very long time
because of the un-brainwashing

we have to do with the way we treat
and perceive women based on their looks.

It affects everything,
even if you're trying to be kind,

it still affects it.
I will give you an example in real time.

If I had a man here
and he was heckling me the whole show,

ruining the show and just being an idiot,

I could snap and I could say
something hacky like,

"Well, you're bald and you're ugly and fat
and I bet you got a small dick," right?

[laughing]

And most of you laugh,
one person checked their phone.

- No one's anger...
- [laughter]

Even the one in the back was like...
[dowdy voice] "I got nothing to tweet.

[audience laughs]

Fair play."

If I had a woman here
who was yelling at me,

being rude, interrupting your show,
interrupting my night at work...

This is a job, despite the fact
that I have purple lipstick on. Okay?

- [laughing]
- And a fun ponytail.

If she was doing that
and acting like an asshole

and I snapped and I was like,
"Well, you're a fat, ugly bitch..."

[oohs]

[laughing]

[clapping]

She's not even real.

[roaring laughter]

[clapping, whooing]

And you're like...
[screaming] "Don't shame her!"

[shrieking]

[puffs into mic]

[cheering]

A woman...

As women, we are forced to be practical.

We are forced to be honest
about things and our expectations

and we are honest.

A girl, we can be attracted
to ugly things.

You hear girls all the time like,

"My husband's got this weird tooth
in the back of his throat, but I love it.

- [laughing]
- I like to lick on it. I love it.

[continued laughing]

He's so gross, sometimes he sheds
all his body hair. I eat that hair.

- I love it so much.
- [laughter]

- I make a pillow, I sleep on it.
- [cheering]

I love it.

He's ugly, I'm into it."

You will never hear

a guy be honest
about his girlfriend being ugly.

'Cause he doesn't see it.

You'll never hear,
"Oh, what a blithe existence!"

You'll never hear a man admit
like, "My girlfriend...

- [gurgles]
- [laughing]

Sorry, I was just thinking
about her smile.

[audience laughs]

[exhales, groans]

- It's fucked up, but...
- [laughing]

...her punch lines are on fire."

[audience laughs, cheers]

Now you clap, but I noticed
that your laughter spiked

- and then immediately declined...
- [laughing]

...because you're still thinking
about this woman.

[audience laughs]

[mouths words]

So no veil.

[laughter]

And I did not want a bachelorette party

out at a bar
for a very specific reason, okay?

I work at night,

so I have seen first-hand the havoc

that can be wreaked
by an out-of-control bachelorette party.

- [whooing]
- Okay?

It sounds like that. [chuckles]

I have been there when a zombie horde

comes over the ridge,

fucking kicks in a window
and makes their nests,

like in my show.

- [cawing] I've been there...
- [laughing]

...when they come in,
one's missing a fucking femur.

- [shrieking]
- [laughing continues]

And knowing how out-of-control
they can get,

I couldn't, in good conscience,
be that for a fellow night worker.

I couldn't do that to someone else
who works at night, okay?

- [woman whoos]
- Those of us, yes, who work at night!

[cheering, clapping]

Those of us who work at night.

DJs, sound mixers, security,

- bartenders, waitresses. Yes!
- [whooing]

Yes, nighttime scientists, Nashville.

- Yes, those of us...
- [audience laughs]

...who make our wages
under the cloak of the moon.

I have no friends. Those of us...

[laughter]

...who work at night know first-hand

what it's like to have to absorb
a crazy bachelorette party.

Okay? You don't see
a bachelorette party coming,

you fucking hear it.

[cheering]

And if you're hearing it...

- [guttural]...it's too late.
- [audience laughs]

[high-pitched, shaky]
They're already here.

[laughter]

So you can imagine
how unnerving it is for me as a performer.

I'm sitting here.
I can see the first couple rows,

but the rest is pitch-black.

You can imagine how terrifying that is
for me, just in the middle of a set

in a sea of strangers and darkness like,
"And another thing about raccoons..."

[shrieking] "Stacy's getting married!"

[laughing]

I don't know where it's coming from.
[gasps]

[continued laughing]

[hushed] Get back. Get back.

Don't shoot till you see
the whites of their wines.

[roaring laughter]

[cheering]

I want you to know something
about bachelorette parties.

They are well-versed in the art
of basic tactical warfare.

- Okay?
- [laughter]

Bachelorette party knows

that they have you trapped,
timid, trepidatious.

[stern] The three Ts of combat.

- They got you right there.
- [laughing]

And they know that you don't know
where they're coming from

and they know that you are expecting
all of them

to come running in at once.

But a good bachelorette party,
a good bachelorette army knows

you don't send in all of your troops
at once.

[audience laughs]

A well-led bachelorette party understands
you must send your troops in in waves

so as to exhaust the bar...

[laughter]

...and deplete it of its resources.

If you are at a bar and you see
a bunch of girls come running in,

do not be foolish.

That is not the bride.

That is not even the family.

- That is her infantry.
- [audience laughs]

These are her bannermen.

They come running in first
to let the bar know like...

- [shrieking] "Stacy's getting married!"
- [laughing]

[continued shrieking]

[shrieks]
They kick some girls out of a booth.

"This is our territory now.
Get out of here!"

They set a waitress on fire.

[whooshing into mic, caws]

[audience laughs]

[nasally] Isn't this amazing?

- [shrieks]
- [laughing]

They put down a debit card
for the first round.

Get fresh with the table. [shrieks]

[laughter]

These women are not there
for a good time or a long time.

- Okay?
- [audience laughs]

These women are there for one reason.

[stern] To establish
and maintain a region.

- That's why they're there.
- [laughing]

[cheering, clapping]

And they fought valiantly
and the battlefield has been set.

Now the bar knows
that it's Stacy's bachelorette party

and what to expect.

The next one to come in

is perhaps the most important one
of the party, or so she thinks.

This is your General,

otherwise known
as your maid of honor, Amanda!

[laughter, whoos]

I am Stacy's maid of honor.

Many of you know me
from the Evite comment section

where I've chatted with you briefly.

[audience laughs]

[gruff] XOXO.

[laughter]

I am Stacy's best friend
since the third grade.

A fact I shall lord over many of you
when I feel left out of a conversation.

[laughing]

She is my best friend.

We've been to Cancún upwards
of five times.

[continued laughing]

I've sat in the hotel room
many a night while she's been out,

making out with hot dudes
and promises to tell me about it later.

I am the best friend.

[audience laughs]

She is the one to be married,

but in many ways,
I feel like tonight is about me.

[laughing]

I have set up all of this.
I have made all the reservations.

I am the one you will follow

and before we ride into battle,

I need each of you to Venmo me $50.

Will you ride with me?

[uproarious cheering]

[whoos]

It was $40, but Megan's not feeling well

and she just canceled.

[audience laughs]

Before the festivities begin,

I wish to open with a quote
from General Patton.

- [laughter]
- To go bravely... Morgan.

Morgan, Morgan, Morgan.
Drink some fucking water, I'm not joking.

- Heyah!
- [audience laughs]

The bartender's like,
"You can't have a horse in here."

[laughing]

Very well, then.

If I give you my phone,
will you charge it behind the bar?

- No, okay. Heyah!
- [uproarious laughter]

[clapping, cackling]

[whooing]

The time has come.

She is about to arrive.

- [ceremonial call]
- [cheering]

[indistinct grunting]

- [rattling breath and screams]
- [cheering continues]

- [shrieking]
- [laughing]

They all begin to scream.
[shrieking] "She's getting married."

[laughter]

[continued shrieking]

[audience laughs]

[shrieks] We know.

Bachelorette partygoers of the world,

we know!

- Quit screaming, you fucking banshee.
- [laughter]

We know she's getting married,
we can tell,

because she's covered in dicks.

[audience laughs, cheers]

[clapping]

Why? What is this West African
shaming ritual?

[laughing]

What is that? Why are we doing that?

Why are we, every night in America,

drenching our women
in teeny-weeny Party City peeny?

[laughter]

I know what your friends will say.

[upbeat] "It's 'cause we love her.
We love her so much. She's amazing."

[booming] Dicks! Dicks! Wear these dicks!
Be a dick! Eat a dick!

- My issue... [chuckles]
- [laughter]

...is not the ritualistic shrouding
of women

in tiny, plastic commemorative penii.

[audience laughs]

My issue is merely
the lack of reciprocity

at a bachelor party.

[cheering]

[whooing]

I've never seen a bachelor party

like, "Joey's getting married,
everybody put on your snootch-hat."

[laughing]

[grunting]

[cheering]

[groaning]

- [continued grunting]
- [laughing]

[whooing]

- "It's so tight, bro. [groans]
- [laughing continues]

Isn't it crazy how no matter
how many times you wear them,

they never lose their elasticity...

- [cheering]
- ...although we tell women that,

to shame them
out of exploring their sexuality?"

[clapping]

[laughter, whooing]

Of all the things I did not want to do

for my wedding,
the one thing we ended up doing

was they had a bachelorette party
at a bar for me.

Obviously, I'm not gonna
have a party at a library. So...

[audience laughs]

...we had this bachelorette party
at a bar and we went.

And I had about four
or five women with me and...

I know I should have been
just like going crazy and getting drunk

and having a crazy time
but I'm a sentimental person

and I'm a thinker
and I was looking at these girls,

these women that some of whom
I was related to,

the rest of whom
I've known my entire life.

I've seen relationships come and go
and jobs and heartbreak and death

and all of the landmarks
and all the things that make us human

and I was with these girls and I realized
that we had all been single,

we had all been on a journey together,

and for me that part of my journey
with them stopped that night.

I can still go to bars,
if my husband says it's okay.

[laughter]

But like we've been going out
for like a decade together,

like looking for a good time,
looking for a guy.

And like, that was it for me.

And I thought that...
I get goosebumps thinking about it

because like that chapter of my life
was closed that night

and I think that there's something
very poetic about the notion

that your bachelorette party,
you are in effect

picking up the ashen, lifeless body
of your singlehood...

[laughing]

[strained]...and laying it to rest
where it was born.

[audience laughs]

In a shitty bar.

[uproarious cheering]

[clapping]

And it's not that I would never be
at another bar again,

but I would never be
at another bar unmarried.

I mean, I don't know

- but I would never be...
- [laughing]

I would never be... at that time,

like, that was it for me.

And I looked around the room
and there was a group of girls,

same amount as us, in their 20s. [hisses]

And they were over there.

[audience laughs]

[nasally] They looked amazing
and they were over there

and I was just staring at them.
And they're like,

- "Who's that old lady staring at us?"
- [laughing]

Because they were us
and I remember so fondly

being that age and going out
and all the trappings of it.

I know so much about it, I wrote
four fucking Netflix specials about it.

[laughter]

- And that was over.
- [cheering]

And I was reflecting on
those years versus these years

as you get older.

In your 20s, you should just know,

you will never be as close
to other people,

let alone other women,
as you are in your 20s.

You will have good friends.
You will have book clubs.

You will have all this stuff
as you get older,

but in your 20s, you've just
come out of high school or college.

You're very close to the realms
of academia and you are hive-minded.

So you are in each other's shit,
you know everything.

"I know who texted... He's my boyfriend,
I know who you are, who you like.

I like you, you're my best friend.
Matching dove tattoos. Make 'em fuck.

Dove tattoos. Right there. [cooing]

- You're my best friend.
- [laughing]

I love you so much."

And boys ask you dumb questions that you
tolerate 'cause you don't know any better.

When you're in your 20s, boys will ask,
"How many guys you slept with?"

Nobody asks you that in your 30s
because the answer is gross.

[audience laughs]

[cheering]

She's in the back.

[dowdy voice]
"I've slept with so many dudes. I dunno.

[laughter]

I feel empowered."

[audience laughs]

But in your 20s, you're right there
and you're in that mentality,

you're so intertwined
and you make packs like,

"We're going out together.
I don't care if you meet a boy.

We're going home together.
You're my best friend.

Hold my hand. We're going out together.

[gruff] Tie your hand to mine.

My best friend. I'm a Sagittarius,
you're a Pisces. How's it work?

Dunno, it just does.
Text me when you're home.

That's right, we're home,
we live together. Roll over.

You're my best friend.
You're right there."

[audience laughs]

People shit on women
for some reason being 30.

I understand
there's the whole egg issue,

but society is not kind.

They're not kind to women
as they get older.

Men, shitty men,
not the good ones that are here,

- don't like it as women age.
- [laughter]

And I gotta believe it's less
about the fact that you're older

and it's more about the fact
that when you're older

you don't put up with bullshit
and they don't like that.

- [cheering]
- They don't like it.

- [clapping]
- Smart guys don't have any bullshit.

[whooing]

I was at a bar the other night,

some guy walked up, he goes, "Hey."

I was like, "I don't buy it."
And I just walked away.

[roaring laughter]

But moreover, you're close
and you're a cluster of girls

and you go out together
and no matter what plans you make,

there's always that one girlfriend
that breaks away from the pack.

You're like, "We're here for safety."
She's like, "I'm just gonna talk to him."

[laughter]

Some fucking idiot with the dumbest line,

but you're in your 20s,
so you'll listen to it

'cause you haven't lived a life yet.

"I'm just gonna talk to him."
He's like, "Yeah, come on.

I'll tell you about my company,
Herbalife, let's go. I run..."

[laughing]

And she's not making your job easier.

You're also out to meet a guy,
to have fun, to have a life,

and you're like,
"Get back here, Cassandra. No."

And you have to endure
this fucking piece of shit being like,

"Why are you being such bitches?"
But you wanna protect your girlfriend.

You're like, "Get back here,
she's not awake.

- Come here. Come here."
- [audience laughs]

We will do anything.

When you're younger, we will form
a phalanx around a fallen girl like...

[swishing]

- [puffs into mic]
- [laughter]

[nasally] Sorry.

[uproarious laughter]

[cheering]

[clapping]

That noise right there
is the anti-mating call

- of 20-something girls everywhere.
- [laughter]

[nasally] "Sorry." That's right, girls,
before there was RuPaul's Drag Race...

[nasally]..."bye", there was "sorry."

[laughing]

It's us protecting a girl
who can't protect ourselves.

Now, I wish I could tell you that
that action is solely altruistic

and when we do it,
it's just for the benefit of that girl.

Unfortunately, oftentimes,
the subtext of,

"You can't have her" is
"because you didn't want me."

- But that's a whole other lecture...
- [laughter]

...and special.

[cheering]

[clapping]

In closing, girls, enjoy the sovereignty

of the protection of other women
when you're in your 20s

'cause guess what, chickens?

After 30, it's not that we don't love you,

haven't spent a lifetime with you,

it's that we're sick
and tired of your bullshit, Jamie!

We're tired of following you around,
looking for you at bars,

when we should be out
doing our own thing.

We're exhausted,
our patience has run thin,

so is this delicate under-eye skin
I'm finding out.

- [laughing]
- We're tired.

After 30, we are not your keepers anymore.

After 30, we're gonna be like...

[gruff] "Go with him!
We want to see what happens."

[mic thuds]

[uproarious cheering]

[whooing]

[uproarious cheering continues]

["The Bridal Chorus" plays
on electric guitar]

[cheering continues]

[screaming cheers]

[heavy metal version
of "The Bridal Chorus" playing]

[continued cheering]

[heavy metal version
of "The Bridal Chorus" fading]

[heavy metal version
of "The Bridal Chorus" playing]