If a Thousand Clarinets (1965) - full transcript
A military base. An awkward soldier. A statue of Bach. And suddenly all guns in the area change into music instruments. Great mystery is immediately found by TV station. And soon the military base becomes a stage for huge TV show.
Idea
Literary scenario
Music
Lyrics
Choreographer
Assisted by
Sets
Sound editors
Editor
Make-up
Assistant designer
Costumes designed by
Photo-reporter
Requisites
Costumes made by
Make-up assistants
Assistant editor
Assistant sound editor
Chief electrician
Sound effects
Deputy production managers
Assisted by
Production secretary
Cameraman
Assistant cameraman
Trick shots
Assistant director
Director's assistant
Script girl
Production managers
Director of Photography
Directed by
Made by Production Unit
Film Studios Barrandov
Processed by Film Laboratories
Praha-Barrandov
...and that's where I went wrong
a little poetry would do no harm
About turn
Left about turn
Schulze!
Down!
Not you!
Him over there!
Schulze!
Make for the tree on the horizon!
-As usual!
-As you please!
Forward march!
And that's what you'll do -
till your term of service is up.
Favouritism - that's what I call it.
Patrick, fall out!
So you believe the service to be
a helter-skelter, don't you?
So you think the Army's a joke?
That is wrong!
I'll show you
that the service is no fun at all.
I'll show you it damn well isn't.
Attention, troop!
Down!
Up!
Down!
Up!
Down!
Up!
Down!
Patrick! Nothing to do with you, eh?
Down!
Stay down!
Up!
Schulze!
Come back!
It's an order!
Schulze!
Schulze!
"I shall never cut anyone's
plait again."
With scissors?
-And you know you shouldn't?
-Mm.
I know that feeling.
But suddenly you get an urge -
and snip!
You did it once as well?
And had to stay in after school?
-It's coming to me.
-How long?
Twenty years perhaps.
You are too big for your boots!
It would have to be some plait!
Look.
-I'll finish your lines for you.
-Yeah.
And you won't tell anybody you saw me.
It's a deal!
Well, thanks.
"I'll never have the same
opportunity again."
Are you finished?
Wagner's gone to pick bilberries,
my girl.
Not without my knowing, my lad.
I happen to be his teacher.
Oh no!
-Who?
-Schulze.
He won't get far -
he's a bungler.
"For you voice - Alkalis Spa"
It's ten past one.
We must begin at two sharp.
I hope everything's fixed -
so we can go on the air
in fifty minutes.
What about the music?
When Professor Vavari pulls the cord...
That's me?
Yes, the music starts
and goes on...
till the first speaker gets up
onto the stage.
-It's clear.
-I am glad to hear that.
That's all, thank you.
Let's try it then, girls.
Choruses of children sing.
Halleluiah, glory, glory
Welcome, memorial day...
-Pigtail Eva!
-Pigtail Eva!
Come on, Eva, you're so stupid!
Ouch, ouch!
Hello, your autograph, please.
-Well, Theresa...
-Oh, hi, Theresa...
-Where have you dropped from?
-I'm working here. And you?
So my warmest sympathy to you,
it is horrible here.
Listen, gentlemen.
When the Professor unveils the statue,
we'll start playing.
And we will keep playing
until he reaches the stand, is that clear?
Listen, don't cry.
-I'm not crying.
-Want to hear some music?
-Hm.
-Then pull this.
That'll be for television, I guess.
Oh! Yes!
Christ, can't you stop it?
What?
What Vavari?
Why did Vavari touch it?
And where are the organizers?
Since time immemorial,
the ill have come to Alkalis town
from all over Europe
to restore their health in peace
and quiet.
And why Alkalis?
I'm not sure.
At least you don't look like a soldier.
But I look like a lunatic.
And they lock them up, too.
Search the garden!
You stay here, the others with me.
You search the attic,
we check it in here.
Come on!
Jump out of the window!
I'm sorry!
Round the corner, into the garden!
Halt!
Prepare for action!
Violins, nothing but violins!
Don't do anything, please.
We must wait.
How was it?
Was I loud enough?
-You were fine, but it wasn't on.
-How come?
We begin in ten minutes.
-But that would mean it's over.
-Yes, it would.
But that would be a mistake...
-Ah...!
-Ouch!
-What a fool...
-Why me...
-Hey!
-And where did you find it?
But I was standing there...
Pack it up and let's go...
-Lest us go! The car, quickly!
-Hey! Can you hear me?
Hey!
That's horrible.
Let's go.
I'm sorry to disturb
when you're planning an action, sir.
No, it's only a children's' game
called Sparrow.
You never played it as a kid?
No, minister, I did not.
I studied at a military school
since I was eight years old.
What a pity,
I must teach you then,
it's great fun.
We can play Sparrow later.
Now we have more urgent tasks, sir.
-Why?
-A report's just come in from Alkalis.
Some troubles in the barracks.
There's always something
going on there.
Look, it's very simple.
You just move the stones about.
An even stone for an odd one.
Even stones replace odd stones.
And who makes the last move
is the Sparrow.
And you mustn't make a third move.
One...
In the name of the whole nation,
minister...
I beg you to stop playing the Sparrow
at this critical junction!
I await you orders.
All right, let's have a look.
Alkalis? Where is it?
It'll be in sector A8.
Yes, Alkalis.
It happened in this military
sector here.
I know it, a weird region.
I dated two twin girls there
as a student.
But I didn't know about it.
When one couldn't come,
the other replaced her.
I took me six months to find out.
Oh, yes, Alkalis!
Believe it or not, it was a small
pimple on the neck
that gave them away in the end.
It was there one day,
and then it wasn't.
And the third day it was back again.
Well, and then again nothing.
Alkalis, I see.
Who's the local commander?
Colonel Korund.
Korund, Korund.
Look, Kraus, take it over,
will you?
Yes minister, but I need it in writing.
Alex, come with me for the opening
close-up.
And Robert, you shoot what you can.
Tommy, you'll take the long shots.
Where is my microphone?
OK, thank you.
One minute and we can start.
Well, no!
One minute and we have to start.
And we'll begin with that sentry
over there.
We'll see what happens next.
-What about us?
-I don't know.
Thank you.
Professor Vavari.
The TV van's here!
Hello, can you hear me?
One, two, three...
Good!
Cameramen, headphones, let me check!
No matter what happens,
carry on till I stop you.
One, can you hear me?
Two, can you hear me?
Three, can you hear me?
Good.
Can you imagine our boss -
when he sees our programme?
Should you need a lecture
concerning music theory, -
I am at your disposal.
-Jesus, what a fool!
-Thank you, I'll think about it.
May I mention it's not a matter
of money in my case?
Throw him out, we're on!
-Oh dear!
-Excuse me, please.
-Well, if this was about...
-My scarf!
...and on the occasion
of the anniversary -
of the great composer's visit
to this spa -
a monument is being unveiled to him.
Enjoy the programme.
Dear viewers, please forgive
any technical shortcomings.
Today's reportage will be a bit!
sensational and therefore off the cuff!
Hello...
The topic of our programme
will be the small barracks,
but make sure you don't
switch your TV sets off.
You'd miss a lot!
For instance... this soldier
on sentry duty. Hello!
We'd like to ask you something
about your barracks.
Here's my TV pass.
I don't think there's a reason
why you couldn't let us in, or...
-Sign it here.
-Ok.
Fine.
And write also:
"To dear Karel with love"
Certainly, as you wish.
"To dear Karel
with love." Here you are.
-And now you can go in.
-Thank you.
What kind of show is this?
Do you want to ruin me?
Where's the J.S. Bach
unveiling ceremony?
Stop it at once! What is it?
Wait, don't stop it yet.
But have a nature documentary
at hand just in case.
The one with the squirrels!
I've got a surprise for you.
Allow me to introduce
Edita and Benjamin Novák!
Forgive me, I must tell you,
I cannot entertain you,
For I must sleep, sleep, sleep.
Wait till in the morning
I am woken up by the sun.
Now I am asleep, asleep, asleep.
There's nothing here for me
apart from my dreams.
Everything around is hidden in the mist.
Even my hands are strange to me.
I cannot tell day from night
I cannot see where my
dream's come from.
I just know I'm asleep, asleep...
Oh, yeah!
When no one stops me
Yeah!
I take sleeping pills.
And sleep, and I sleep, and I sleep.
Do not be angry with me
if my voice is bad
when I sleep, sleep, sleep.
Maybe I dreamt too much,
for I was suddenly overwhelmed
by a feeling of being surrounded
by a thousand of clarinets playing.
And I sang along with them
at the top of my voice
for everyone to understand,
that I know I'm asleep, asleep...
I do not know where I'll find myself
the moment I wake up.
I do not know where I am asleep,
asleep.
I just know that the dream of mine
did not take place on this Earth
where I am asleep, asleep, asleep.
Somewhere in the middle of eternity
I dreamt up a girl.
And since then I've been dreaming
for her only,
with her only, about her only.
And so I beg you once again,
leave me alone, I have no time
now I am asleep, asleep, asleep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Now I am asleep
oh, I am asleep.
And so I beg you once again
leave me alone, I have no time,
now I am asleep, asleep, asleep!
Hurray!
Where's the staff?
The cowards!
Cowards!
Excuse me.
Oh boy, what a treat, a sun dial...
-We're lost.
-No, we're saved.
I know him.
It's that idiot Hubert.
We used the window, if you like,
-for tactical reasons.
-Yes.
-Nothing happens without a plan.
Is that clear? -Yes.
-And you've seen nobody. Get it?
-Yes, I do.
-Do you know what a scout is?
-Yes, an informer of a kind.
Right.
Only last week the lads beat one up!
Well done!
And that'll be your job now.
Voluntarily,
or is it to be an order? So?
-Oh, well, voluntarily.
-There's a good lad!
For tactical reasons
the staff is now moving into bunkers.
Down, gentlemen.
Direction bunker, forward crawl!
-I eagerly await your news in the bunker.
-Yes, sir!
Can I ask you a question?
Could you tell our viewers
what actually happened?
Well, we were on the drill ground
-and Lt. Max sent him to the tree.
-Excuse me.
Who did he send to the tree?
-Schulze, of course.
-I see.
A funny bloke,
-always playing the clarinet.
-Yes.
And who is Lt. Max?
-Our commander.
-He is our commander.
And he just suddenly ran away.
Your commander?
-No, Schulze, of course.
-I see.
Well, thank you very much for
your effort.
-May I?
-You may.
...it's either bigger or smaller.
Don't touch it!
Not this Zeiss lens, you see...
Excuse me, but could you explain
it to us?
-Me?
-Yes.
But of course, Corporal Kyncl,
brewery owner.
-In civil life, after my Dad, of course.
-Pleased to meet you.
My wife is a research worker.
-You don't really care about that,
do you? -No.
What you want to know is
how it all actually happened, right?
-Yes.
-So I'll tell you. Here, or...
-Naturally.
-Naturally, but where?
-Here.
-Here, yes.
-Pardon...
-Well...
Now, how did it actually happen?
Schulze ran off, deserted,
that's a fact.
So we created a pursue squad.
Because of pressure from above,
of course.
And we found Schulze
in a lady's boudoir.
And?
And I happened to be the first person
to enter it.
Schulze jumped out of the window,
followed by a figure in a uniform,
probably his uniform,
as they'd swapped their clothes.
Thank you.
So we pursued the fleeing couple,
very hard.
And we succeeded in surrounding them
both.
-Where now, please?
-Here.
We surrounded them both,
but then the figure
in uniform disappeared.
And Schulze started to run
despite being within gunshot.
I was going to shoot, of course whilst
being pressured from above,
-when I suddenly saw that my...
-Thank you for your information.
-Yeah, but...
-Dear viewers. You have heard
the very first accounts
of the eye-witnesses
of this peculiar transformation.
And since everybody around here
has an instruments
and the popular singer Edita's present
as well,
we shall have a little experiment.
-The singer is Edita...
-Jesus!
Accompanied by the First Artillery
Section.
What shall I sing?
-What shall I sing?
-"In Opera"!
"In Opera" then.
In Opera!
In Opera!
When I was very small
my wish was most of all
-to sing in a big choir.
-In Opera!
When I was somewhat bigger
I was told that I should rather
-knock at the door of opera.
-In Opera!
Somebody said: "Come in",
I found myself within
and began an aria to sing,
about Johnny and Mary.
Now my checks all pale
I await who'll seal my fate,
but nobody moves or speaks,
not even when the lights go up.
My hopes go dim,
my career in opera's over -
before it has begun.
My career in opera is over!
My hopes go dim,
my career in opera's over -
before it has begun.
Bravo, Edita!
Give me the mike,
I want to say something as well.
-But be brief, please.
-Brief?
-Very brief.
-Hurray!
That was an unrehearsed manifestation!
An expression of joy over
what happened
at our beloved barracks.
Alright?
-Excellent!
-Alright!
MILITARY AREA
Stop! Stop!
Back!
Back 10 metres!
Hallo!
How much?
250,000?
Yes, I understand.
But, we did not intend to accept ads
in such an important programme.
I know,
the whole nation's watching.
Well, that's the reason.
We don't wish to make money
from such a festive occasion.
350,000?
Well...
But we need a confirmation
by telegraph.
Okay, Lemonade Super.
Put this in the programme...
No, go to hell
with those squirrels of yours!
The ad for Lemonade Super!
Okay, one more time, but slowly!
Damn it!
Sit down!
Forward, but quickly!
Go to hell!
I'm a driver, not a shunter.
This is desertion!
Come back!
Come back!
OK?
We're ready.
Let's go!
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's have a look
at the conductor of this garrison
now.
Or rather, at the Commander
of this orchestra.
Excuse me.
Please, Gustik...
So this is your Commander's office?
Yes, Colonel Korund's.
Full of clothes, strangely chaotic.
What could be in the wardrobe then?
Clothes.
We're in luck, the Commander's here.
What entitles you to this invasion?
Please forgive us reporters a bit
of spontaneity,
but the public wants to be informed.
Our viewers will surely
welcome your opinion
about the new situation here.
But if only you could somehow...
-Come out, is that it?
-Yes.
Well...
Now...
The situation's surely
very interesting,
and we welcome the transformation
of our weapons
into musical instruments.
Because music is the triumph
of the human spirit.
It refreshes us.
I welcome this transformation,
and I hope it won't last long...
I mean for people to understand
the significance...
It is clear you're keen on music.
Our viewers would also like to know
since when you love music so much.
It might not seem that way,
but ever since I was a child.
-Oh no!
-Oh yes!
I used to sing even as a toddler!
And my nickname was "G clef"
at school!
As you can see, your childhood story
is very amusing indeed.
So I think we should conclude
this interview
by asking you to sing a song
for us!
I'm so sorry, but I'm indisposed...
Sing!
Sing!
Alright then.
Below the blue mountains
on the distant horizon,
there was a small cottage.
There we played happily as children.
There our mother kissed us sweetly...
Minister, we can't intervene.
Upon crossing a certain line -
all the weapons change into
musical instruments.
What rubbish is that, Kraus?
What have we got planes for?
Off you go!
Gentlemen, what a blockhead!
Are you feeling hot?
Drink Lemonade Super.
He's a super blockhead!
And this is the end our reportage
from the Alkalis
garrison troops,
with Edith taking the salute!
Present arms!
The whole garrison is assembled
for inspection!
-Thank you. -And this concludes our
reportage on this most peculiar incident!
Goodbye!
Dismiss!
How was it?
-My congratulations, Miss.
-Thank you.
Paratroopers!
We used to have a ball
with bright colours.
And this colourful ball
hit my sister's head.
And my sister kicked it up
and the ball jumped up
and suddenly disappeared.
And my sister kicked it up
and the ball jumped up
and suddenly disappeared.
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
In excitement
we ran away.
Vaguely suspecting
that the game would not be finished.
No trace of the ball at all.
None of us understood
where the ball could have gone.
No trace of the ball at all.
None of us understood
where the ball could have gone.
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball? -"Evil Dog, Beware"
-Where's the ball?
We crept through all trenches
of the world.
In the many years gone by.
And no one can feel our desire
to return the ball into the game.
We walk along pavements,
we wade through mud.
Where the path is not straight
we are happy to make a turn.
At any rate
we want to find the ball, so deceitfully
and suddenly disappearing.
At any rate
we want to find the ball, so deceitfully
and suddenly disappearing.
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where did you hide it?
-Where did you hide it?
Excuse me, madam,
where's the Commander?
Special shock squad of paratroopers
sent to annihilate the revolt
in Alkalis barracks has reached its
destination, but task remains unfulfilled.
So we shall remain till things
get clear.
-Supper!
-Hurray!
I've been collecting your photos
for so long
-and now I see you're quite different.
-Disappointed?
Not yet.
Are you having supper with us?
Not yet.
Here is your soup.
Move on, please.
That's it...
Here's the soup.
-Thanks.
-You are welcome. Bye.
I must tell you that.
I fired you today.
Then I took it back, of course.
But if it had turned out badly...
It would have been bad for me.
Alright, so now pack up
and call me in the morning.
Great.
...she should hear me...
-I was feeling sick.
-Yeah?
I had to lean against the truck,
you see?
And did it help?
Well, of course, I'm fine now.
So goodbye then.
Ouch!
Ouch!
-What's going on here? -Come,
we've got potato pancakes and a show!
It's reserved here!
Come on, get lost!
Get lost, can you hear me?
Dear friends, and now I give you
Sergeant Nikolas and his song!
I've seen you on TV many times.
-But I never believed we'd actually talk!
-Neither did I.
Really?
I wish
I could see my face
in the golden plate
of his holy trumpet.
I wish
I could see its glow,
two black hands
and two white cuffs.
I wish
I could hear the voice,
so familiar to all of us.
I wish
I could play...
Hello, Satchmo, hello.
Hello, Satchmo
...just like you.
I wish
I could hear the voice,
so familiar to all of us.
I wish
I could play...
Hello, Satchmo, hello.
Hello, Satchmo.
...like you.
Do not be surprised with my courage.
And if you feel offended,
stop frowning,
that is enough
as my song
is over now.
Attention, please!
Attention, please!
We've got a lost cigarette case
answering to the name of Karel.
I repeat: A lost cigarette case
answering to the name of Leopold.
Please kindly hand it over to me
if you find it.
And if the finder doesn't want to,
let him keep it.
And the next piece now: Edita!
I try to figure out in vain,
why most men
do not like
to see a lady
cold and passive.
Recently
one came to me,
so sweet and nice.
And really sophisticatedly
he addressed me:
You would just sit
and keep quiet.
And that is not what it should be
like and I am warning you.
I guess you should now
that I'm going to propose love.
I guess you should now
that I love you.
I do not like men
enforcing attention.
Buying happiness from women
in exchange of money.
These men
are not for me.
I prefer the one
coming
modestly and calmly
and saying:
You would just sit
and keep quiet.
And that is not what it should be
like and I am warning you.
I guess you should now
that I'm going to propose love.
I guess you should now
that love you.
The one
who came yesterday
to the street where I live,
in the darkness
of the dusk,
he was very smart.
His eyes were glowing tenderly
and he asked shyly
and when I said yes,
he whispered in a quiet voice:
You would just sit
and keep quiet.
And that is not what it should be
like and I am warning you.
I guess you should now
that I'm going to propose love.
I guess you should now
that love you.
What?
How much?
I see, I see.
Wait, wait, wait, I will...
Oh, I see, Diana furniture.
The mouse trap people
also got moving then.
That's over 200,000.
Of course, take everything.
-One moment!
-A telegram.
"Alkalis programme excellent."
"Interested in ads in similar programme."
"Implemented in the closest link
with the transcendental."
"Offer half a million for six slogans."
"60-minute revue."
"Limo Super & Company."
Hello?
Reject all offers.
What?
I repeat: "Reject all offers."
And don't ask about my health
anymore!
-Have you spoken to Theresa?
-I can't get hold of her.
Jesus, "I can't."
My nightgown!
Half a million's at stake, woman!
Please allow me to sing a song
I wrote only today.
-Bravo!
-Bravo!
The tune's well-known,
so I just wrote the lyrics.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
should hear this song of mine.
The others will forgive me,
that she alone interests me,
for her and for no other
I wish to live and sing.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason,
why I am now here
and proudly and without fear
singing into the wind
this song of mine.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Theresa, read Theresa
the question in my eyes.
Written in block capitals
is the message I have for you.
You know before you read it,
what it is I ask of you.
At home they always wondered
why I wasn't ashamed of being idle.
But I preferred being ashamed
to doing something... I know
Now I'd like to invite up here
our dear visitors from the skies.
Please.
And before they sing for us...
If you please.
I'll ask them a couple
of nosy questions.
Well, question number one:
Do you need a lot of courage
before you jump?
Yes, either that or a good push.
-And what do you think of when diving?
-Of my wife.
-Excellent. And how about you?
-Of his wife.
It's perfect.
He's making great strides.
Only last week he still thought of
Donald Duck.
And what could you say about diving
or falling as such?
Today, the incidence of falls
is quite varied,
as well as frequent.
Falls are most frequent in children,
most popular with gentlemen,
and deepest in ladies.
We're confusing physical
and moral falls now, aren't we?
There's really no difference
between the two.
They both begin with attraction,
and end up with...
With a smashed face.
Only the former is self-inflicted,
whereas the latter is not.
That is...
Well, I'm sorry.
So let's remember the wisdom
of our experienced paratroopers.
And what shall be your final words?
Well, it'll be the words in a song
dedicated to a girl
-with immense... gravitational force.
-Babetta!
Pass me the beer.
Thanks.
Well?
Little Babetta went away
and I would bet
that Babetta was confused
for she left me behind alone.
She probably does not know
that solo is no good for me
and that without her I am lost.
Catch Babetta
so that she's with me again.
Little Babetta went away
and I say come what may.
You are grown up, so go
and then come back.
Every day at dusk
I will remember and sing
about little Babetta going away
and about my love for her.
When Babetta returns,
she will have known
her mistake by then.
And she will want to keep
the promise
she once made to me.
My Babetta went away
and I am now all pale.
But there is still hope
that when she gets to know the world,
she'll find out it's high time
she came back.
I can see her hailing a cab,
where is she, why is she so late?
You know, this Babetta
I bet
will be back by summer.
Every day at dusk
I will remember and sing
about little Babetta going away
and about my love for her.
When Babetta returns,
she will have known
her mistake by then.
And she will want to keep
the promise
she once made to me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha
she once made to me.
Little Babetta went away
and left me behind alone.
She left me behind in a hurry
and I do not know where she went.
But I have bought
a first-class cane
and I enjoy
thinking about
Babetta not knowing
she'll be beaten when she comes back.
Babetta went away
and she'll come back.
Maybe in seven, maybe in eight,
or maybe in fifty years.
But I will keep waiting
and singing about
how Babetta went away
and how she will return.
When Babetta returns,
she will have known.
her mistake by then.
And she will want to keep
the promise
she once made to me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha
She once made to me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha
She once made to me.
Babetta
La la la la la
La la la la la
Attention!
Attention please!
This is a special announcement!
Attention!
Dear lads, I speak to you as a friend,
we have always got on well
with each other.
Let no one force you into
anything rash.
Keep calm and tomorrow
everything will go back to normal.
Come for a friendly talk
in the morning,
for a talk
with your good old Commander,
your good old Dad.
End of announcement.
End of announcement.
Last post, is it?
How come, gentlemen?
And make beds well tonight,
it's for the ladies.
Get a move on, lads!
Come on,
we're expecting ladies!
We're done, we're done!
It needs a touch of perfume,
don't you think?
To make it smell better.
Or not?
-Have you got it?
-Yeah.
So here you are.
I put a flower there for you.
-It's an azalea.
-Oh, this is lovely.
No, not you.
Your room is the third door
on the right... after you.
-Good night then.
-Good night, Beni.
Round the corner, if you please.
I can fix your bedsheet better!
And I hope you have sweet dreams.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
-For instance about me.
-Oh dear.
If somebody had told me I'd sleep
in a barracks tonight in a bunkbed...
What's wrong with you?
I'm a bit annoyed, I guess.
-Well, what are you up to?
-Do you want to be up or down?
-It's kind of bad.
-...she should hear
this song of mine.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible,
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Theresa, read Theresa
the question in my eyes.
You know before you read it
what it is I ask of you.
-Good night.
-Good night!
Theresa, Theresa alone,
she should hear this song of mine.
Is the door locked?
Don't be afraid, we're on guard!
I told you to keep quiet, quiet
and quiet!
and you gab on, gab on and gab on!
It's alright, nobody heard anything!
Oh, I see.
Good evening.
Good evening.
-We initially thought we'd...
-No. You said we'd...
-It's just a little...
-Thank you.
...token.
Well, we can go now.
Don't close it!
No, don't do that!
Hallo, hallo, hey!
Hallo, hallo, hey!
Open it!
Open it!
Here!
The window!
Hey!
Hey!
Okay, get ready!
I'm switching it on.
Transmission truck 25, barracks
next to Alkalis Spa. Theresa speaking.
Can you hear me, Theresa?
Yes, I can.
We're just packing up.
Theresa,
you know I appreciate your work,
don't you?
You need something again, right?
Me? No, but you need something -
an opportunity!
Stay put and fix up a revue.
You've got a free hand.
It's wonderful! But?
Yes, there is a snag.
I'll send you everything you need.
Do you agree with that?
Yes, I do, but what is the snag exactly?
There are actually three 'snags'.
First of all, there must be six ads
for Lemonade Super.
I see.
Six times Lemonade Super.
Secondly, no politics and no indecency.
And I'm sending a ballet troop.
There are far too many men to my taste.
And the third snag?
Well, you know I've got faith in you, -
so you mustn't let me down.
The revue must be on TV
as early as tonight.
What? What?
Yes, at 9 p.m.
That's not a snag, it's a blow!
Yes, but think of the benefits.
It'll be a bit risky for you, true.
Certain people at the top
won't be too pleased.
So if anything transpires,
don't expect me to do anything
about it.
But otherwise, there are
only advantages, right?
Theresa, say "yes"
and I'll send you a hundred...
Hello?
I mean eighty thousand.
So tonight at nine then.
Theresa, you're smashing!
-Breakfast.
-Oh, Patrick!
I've just been thinking about you.
I talked to my boss on the phone,
and tonight...
I'm sorry, but it's time to get up.
Thank you.
What the hell are you doing here?
What's the meaning of this?
You'll hear about this!
Get lost!
This was the first time
I'd volunteered to be on guard.
What is that?
Alarm!
Colonel Foller, Colonel Schling,
Major Lang. If you please.
Have you got an explanation,
professor?
No.
Attention!
Have you ever worked with
such a disciplined ensemble?
Soldiers,
there will be a revue on TV
tonight at 9 p.m.
A most exciting programme!
So we're going to watch it!
No, quite to the contrary,
you will be the performers!
Out of 100 minutes of the
programme 75 are yours.
Everyone who can perform,
please step forth!
Well, what a promising start.
Don't worry, they're only shy.
Soldiers!
Attention!
Those who can perform, left turn!
Those who can't, right turn!
Forward march!
-We're going that way!
-You're wrong!
They've just said so...
Those who can do something
should go that way.
No, they should go to the left!
"No cameras!"
Absolutely not, strict orders,
no entry!
We're to perform there tonight,
-it's for a TV show!
-A TV show?
Out of the question!
Look, it's not possible, ladies!
Now stop it, please!
Welcome, come in, welcome.
Splendid, excellent!
-Well, what can you do?
-Nothing.
The Violin company then.
Here, you need a bow as well.
-What about you?
-He's my pal.
He's a great mimic,
he can make owl sounds. Show them!
It looks interesting,
but I can't hear anything.
He did it so well only yesterday.
Come on!
Sorry, we have no time.
The Violin company.
He really did it so well.
What's wrong with you?
Is it stage fright or what?
Quiet, please!
We're working!
I've seen you on TV
so many times,
but I never thought
I'd actually talk to you.
Haven't you told me that before?
Bloody hell.
I thought it sounded familiar.
So what can you do?
Gentlemen, no way!
No, by no means!
-It's not true...
-I disagree...
What are we to do then?
Capitulate?
Who said that?
Did anyone say "capitulate"?
No, of course not.
Nobody would dare to say it.
What are you waiting for?
Where's some action?
Well, we've got nothing
to go into action with.
-Why's that? -There's something's
wrong with our weapons.
So what?
Take a leaf out of history books.
There were no machine guns
or tanks in the Stone Age
and how well they fought!
Stones, gravity and
a pinch of Neanderthal common sense,
which you evidently lack,
should completely suffice.
-I have a plan.
-Really?
The main convention up here...
-Have you seen Vagner?
-Who's he?
A boy.
-Peep!
-You're robbers?
No, we're just uncles, you see?
I seem to know that one.
Aren't you Giant Matthew?
The giant that devours sheep.
-Do you devour sheep?
-Yes, he does!
-Indeed he does!
-Oh, what lovely toys!
No, don't do that, girlie.
It's only for us uncles, you see?
Well, let's sing a song then.
Do you know the song
"Where're you running to, old snail?"
Alright, we'll sing the song
with you, little girl,
"Where're you running to, old slug?"
"Old snail!"
Well, old snail, yes.
Old snail.
-Old snail.
-If you promise not to tell anyone
-about us being here at all, okay?
-Alright, if it's so important to you.
Gentlemen!
Where are you running to, old snail?
You cannot catch your breath.
Return to your meadow
and do not spit on the path.
La, la, la, la...
Yeah!
-Feeling sick again?
-Well...
I'm off duty, so I'm waiting
for the library to open.
-I see, the library...
-Well.
But the library's over there.
Oh.
Then I am actually sick.
Ouch...
One more time then.
One.
Two.
Three.
You see, it's not bad if you try.
Tonight at 9 p.m., Alkalis barracks!
Do not miss tonight's unique event!
I repeat,
Tonight at 9 p.m., Alkalis barracks!
Girls!
Girls!
What's wrong, soldier boy?
I beg your pardon!
And now all the three notes together.
Attention!
One.
Two.
Three.
You see? You can do it if you try!
One more time then.
Tiptoe not to wake
the girl who,
as you know,
has not left
her house for so long.
Who knows
what's wrong with her.
Who knows
what's wrong with her.
That she has not left her house
for so long.
Tiptoe not to wake
the mercury soaring up and up.
Even though yesterday
it still
cowered so modestly in the corner.
It's bad
when there's an illness in the house.
It's bad
when there's an illness in the house
where someone lives alone.
High fever takes the girl
away into infinite blue-grey gardens
where her hand nearly touches
the places from where
there is no return.
Tiptoe not to wake
the house, the garden and the bars.
The pale window's
missing something
and so is the one not leaving the house.
And the one, the one, the one,
not leaving the house.
Not leaving the house for so long.
Good morning.
I'm sorry.
-He can do it now.
-Alright.
Have you lost something, little one?
Well, I'm of medium height, in fact.
And I'm looking for Miss Theresa.
We still don't know what we'll sing.
Oh, can you sing already?
Of course.
I'm in the choir.
Well, you're a born soloist,
I can see that!
Where are you dragging the boat,
captain?
Do not climb the stairs with it, sir.
You will wake up the tenants.
In the basement, on the floor,
the caretaker will scold you,
for he is a giant.
Look, you have hit the railing
with the anchor.
Beware! Or I will tear your overalls.
Keep your jokes to yourself.
And return to the Mississippi.
The boat needs water
from the morning till the evening,
splashing and splashing.
And splashing and splashing.
And splashing and splashing.
And splashing and splashing.
I wouldn't want that on TV.
Only it's not for you to decide.
Did you like it?
It's our boarding school anthem.
We should have stood to attention
then!
Oh no, it's just silly lyrics
to a silly tune.
Ok, thank you.
Next one, please.
Gentlemen!
First of all,
we surround the provocation area.
Then we wait in preliminary
position
in order to observe
enemy's preparations.
At zero hour, which cannot
be estimated in advance,
our unit penetrates the object
from the rear, gentlemen.
All performers have to be
annihilated.
It will be mainly a matter
of fisticuffs.
Women are to be moved
and guarded
in Area W.
Electricity supply will be cut off.
The area will be cleared up
within zero hour II,
then reoccupied
and secured from
any potential counter-attack.
First operational officer.
Second operational officer.
Third operational officer.
Communications,
rear guard commander,
supplies commander.
Commander-in-chief and director
of operations is none other
but myself, gentlemen.
But I don't really know
who our men are.
"Our men" is Private Hubert.
Private Hubert!
Yes, sir!
Private Hubert,
you'll carry out
an important operation today.
At 19.00 you'll surround
the barracks building
and gain a complete picture
of enemy preparations.
You'll need it for further actions.
This is the plan.
If they catch you, not a word,
-do you understand?
-No, not even under torture!
There won't be any torture,
just make sure you don't gab!
Swear!
I swear not to gab
and behave in accordance
with my country's expectations.
March on!
About turn!
Cross!
Cross!
About turn!
One, two, three!
One more time.
Pay attention!
March on!
About turn!
Cross!
Cross!
About turn!
One, two, three!
Now try it alone.
March on!
That's clear, girls!
A couple of steps...
-About turn!
-Eight.
Eight.
Puete, puete...
-Three!
-...sautee, position one, passee...
-About turn!
-...walk on...
-One, two, three!
-...and a parody of a pirouette.
Well, it should be alright now.
Let's go.
March on!
About turn!
Cross!
Cross!
About turn!
One, two, three!
Bloody hell,
I said only in emergency!
Ministry of Defence.
That yesterday's reportage
of yours was over the top,
but what you're planning for tonight
is an actual insult to our Army!
I forbid you most explicitly
to carry out such provocation!
Allow me to remind you, minister,
that we are an independent TV station.
Excuse me?
Of course.
I respect your decision.
Were we under the Ministry of Defence,
we would definitely obey your order.
But in this situation, you'll
have to excuse us.
We could sing for an hour.
"A Nosegay of Flowers",
"Choruses of Children Sing in Glory"
"You are like a Bird",
"Song of my Country..."
-And your school anthem, right?
-Yes!
No, that's only for us.
-I love seeing you on TV.
-Yeah?
Only at home my parents
always switch you off.
They say you're too flighty.
I still don't know what to put
on these girls.
Well, such pretty girls...
-They don't really need anything.
-Come on, we'll think of something.
It's a quarter to six,
it's a quarter to a lot.
A quarter to too much.
Well, girls, show us what you can do.
-Let's go, let's go!
-Oh lovely, how lovely!
Choruses of girls sing in glory:
Halleluiah, glory, glory
welcome, glorious day.
Glory, glory, halleluiah
Glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, halleluiah
Glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Glory, halleluiah...
I've found this costume.
It looks ridiculous,
but that's the general idea, isn't it?
What do you say to that?
Take it off this minute!
I thought it'd be funny...
Off with it!
Anybody got a lighter?
Here.
Thanks.
Get lost!
Well, as an amateur director,
I've had a number of productions
and I consider them both successful.
For instance, my Hamlet for Kiddies,
with Mickey Mouse in the main role.
Is this better?
Yes, I'll take it.
Let's go.
Prepare camera three.
Take a seat, director.
Cut.
Let's hope he'll follow my instructions.
Stop!
You bungler!
Where does the arrow come from?
-From the right.
-The whole sentence!
The arrow comes from the right.
And where did you come from?
Oh, yes, it was a mistake!
So let's do it!
Sometimes I think
that love is so remote
I do not eat, I do not sing
and my knees are shaking
The feeling fades away like mist
whenever I see you
and my soul is at peace
I believe to be a butterfly
thinking stubbornly
that it is no fun to be flying
from one flower to another
And that is why he's decided
for the most beautiful of flowers
and wants to live for it alone
Perhaps I said
more than I meant to.
That is life.
It is because
I know
that you are the one.
-My head goes round...
-Perhaps because of the lilac.
And you would like to write poems
with an eyebrow pencil.
All that will have the same reason
known to me for a long time
that love creates sleepless nights.
Now, now, now...
I believe to be a butterfly
thinking stubbornly
that it is no fun to be flying
from one flower to another.
And that is why he's decided
for the most beautiful of flowers
and wants to live for it alone.
Perhaps you said
more than you meant to.
That is life.
It is because
that I know
that you are the one.
Your head goes round,
perhaps because of the lilac.
And you would like to write poems
with an eyebrow pencil.
All that will have the same reason
known to me for a long time
that love creates sleepless nights.
-That love creates
-Yes, sir.
-creates sleepless nights...
-Yes, sir.
Oh yes, my baby.
I'm sorry.
Can we help you?
I've thought it all well over,
and I'd like to work with you.
I never despised music,
quite to the contrary.
So perhaps I could be of some use.
I believe you could.
You could bring us some food.
Copy that!
Who was that?
Attention!
I have my doubts to be honest.
Minister,
special task force awaiting orders!
Dismiss!
Sir, these boys know their job.
Excuse me.
It was them some years ago...
Oh really?
-You don't say so!
-Yes.
It's dangerous to touch the stars
fallen to the ground,
fallen from heaven.
It's dangerous to touch you.
The stars read
why I go to bed with sorrow
in the evening...
-Why, why, why?
-Why I cry when I wake up...
-Why, why?
-and why no one loves me.
Why I say to myself so often
that I must get married soon.
-And why I do not lock my door
-In the night.
-in the night.
-In the night.
Even though I know
I should be afraid.
Stop!
Beni, it's a bit too high!
Saxy to the left.
Claudia, watch the red light.
please.
I know, the red light...
Yes, and keep an eye on her, -
it's her first time on camera.
And complete silence, please!
And now we're shooting
the rehearsal, alright?
All set!
It's dangerous to touch the stars
fallen to the ground
fallen from heaven.
It's dangerous to touch you.
The stars read
why I go to bed with sorrow
in the evening...
-Why, why, why?
-Why I cry when I wake up
-Why, why?
-and why no one loves me.
Why I say to myself so often
that I must get married soon.
-And why I do not lock my door
-In the night.
-in the night.
-In the night.
Even though I know
that I should be afraid.
It's dangerous to touch the stars
fallen to the ground,
fallen from heaven.
It's dangerous to touch you...
Plunging into danger
is an honour for us.
Today we must
touch the stars together.
Today we must
touch the stars together.
And now let's see what you've learnt.
Please...
Splendid!
Carry on.
What do you mean?
Keep on playing.
-That's all?
-That's all.
This is the finale, clearly!
Dismiss!
Theresa...
Well, television,
that's something, isn't it?
Would you like some coffee?
Yes, I would, and Theresa too.
Burnus is my name.
Here's a letter for you from our boss.
He should know by now
how to spell my name.
Since when has he been so offish?
We're to put you
in the programme at any cost.
-That was his express wish.
-Okay, go on then.
Thank you.
-Well, our supper's gone.
-But at least we have a clown.
Well, I must tick this first,
I wouldn't see it later.
Alright.
Gentlemen,
Hubert has completed his task.
I think luck is on our side.
You can watch a great documentary
on TV tonight, about the life of squirrels.
With all the squirrels drinking
Lemonade Super!
Maybe it's better this way.
A revue in one day is just crazy.
No worries, power will be back
on in one hour.
But that's too late, right?
Come out, all of you,
we've got light!
Switch in on!
Good!
Don't worry about it,
fun is all that matters.
And now this.
I always loved clowns as a boy.
Horses, lions, acrobats...
Nothing interested me as much
as clowns.
Ladies and gentlemen,
before we watch-
Theresa's Revue from Alkalis
Barracks, which begins in one minute,
please let me...
The TV set's broken down again.
Attention!
We ask all performers
to get ready.
We begin in one minute!
Attention!
We begin in one minute!
Good evening to all TV viewers.
Allow me to pay a silent tribute
to a man whom we must thank
most of all
for keeping the world in order.
Thank you.
I have in mind the inventor
of barbed wire. His discovery
assigns people to their restricted areas
quietly and without fuss.
Another inventor, on the other hand,
devoted his talents to chaos
and confusion
by inventing wireless communication,
which in fact ignores the barrier
of barbed wire.
I'd like to run out
and meet you, you know,
only I'd probably tear my dress,
as the former invention is
all around me now.
But in the building behind me
there are a thousand clarinets now.
I'm so happy about the clarinets.
If they were actually guns,
I'd probably be afraid.
To put it shortly,
tonight I'm happy
that I don't need to be afraid.
But forgive me, I nearly forgot
something very important.
I drink Lemonade Super
every single day!
It's refreshing and tastes delicious!
May today's programme
be huge success,
and every song we sing
sound great,
that is what matters!
Yeah!
Turn the spotlights on
so that the world can see us.
Alcohol is a whip,
three plus two is five.
That's why we like drinking
the delicious Super Lemonades.
We think about our pockets
and we buy it cheap.
We won't become alcoholics,
and will have change for cinema tickets.
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Who calls a hen a dickey-bird
and then cuts off its head,
he should not listen to our jokes,
for it would not be decent of him.
We are not advocates of hens.
We only think it nice
to nest foolish ideas
under our caps.
Foolish ideas.
Foolish ideas.
Foolish ideas.
Foolish ideas...
We're lost!
We're lost!
Gentlemen, come and have a look!
The second one from the right, by Jove!
What lovely thighs!
What a treat!
Wait, I can't see!
-How lovely!
-That's something!
Having that at home...
It's like in the cinema once...
Music?
Do you know what music is?
Music, you know, is just one thing.
And that's blues!
Sorry.
I mean "boom"!
Boom!
Rhapsody in boom!
All the melodies in the world
reduced to a single boom!
Boom!
Did you hear that?
That was concentrated Lehar!
Don't laugh, you Barbarians!
What could be lovelier?
War has the most complicated
rhythms in the world.
Peace is an immoral state of affairs!
War regulates the world's population!
War ensures the survival of the fittest!
Without it humanity would degenerate -
into a herd of weedy musicians.
What are you laughing at, man?
Don't shout at me,
I'm not the regiment!
I am just one person.
Have you ever spoken
to only one person?
Limo Super makes less noise, -
but refreshes much more!
Hallo, hallo?
No, I am not talking.
I mean I actually am,
but nobody's listening.
Hello, Robert?
No, I didn't see it.
How did it go?
Theresa, Theresa alone,
should hear this song of mine.
The others will forgive me,
that she alone interests me.
For her and for no other
I wish to live and sing...
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason.
why I am now here
and proudly and without fear
singing into the wind
this song of mine.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Theresa, read Theresa
the question in my eyes.
Written in block letters
is the message I have for you.
You know before you read it,
what it is I ask of you.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
should hear this song of mine.
The others will forgive me,
that she alone interests me,
for her and for no other
I wish to live and sing...
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason
why I am now here
and proudly and without fear
singing into the wind
this song of mine.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know,
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Colonel,
we've got him, sir!
-Got who?
-Come with me.
Written in block letters
is the message I have for you.
You know before you read it
what it is I ask of you.
"Music School"
I'd like to take violin lessons.
Can you teach me?
I think this is not a suitable time.
It's night.
Defend yourself!
Defend yourself!
Ballet corps of Alhambra Theatre
and Karlín Theatre
Dance orchestra of the Czechoslovak
Radio
Conductors
Semafor Theatre Orchestra - Conductor
Karel Vlach's Orchestra
English subtitles:
Roberta Finlayson Samsour
Literary scenario
Music
Lyrics
Choreographer
Assisted by
Sets
Sound editors
Editor
Make-up
Assistant designer
Costumes designed by
Photo-reporter
Requisites
Costumes made by
Make-up assistants
Assistant editor
Assistant sound editor
Chief electrician
Sound effects
Deputy production managers
Assisted by
Production secretary
Cameraman
Assistant cameraman
Trick shots
Assistant director
Director's assistant
Script girl
Production managers
Director of Photography
Directed by
Made by Production Unit
Film Studios Barrandov
Processed by Film Laboratories
Praha-Barrandov
...and that's where I went wrong
a little poetry would do no harm
About turn
Left about turn
Schulze!
Down!
Not you!
Him over there!
Schulze!
Make for the tree on the horizon!
-As usual!
-As you please!
Forward march!
And that's what you'll do -
till your term of service is up.
Favouritism - that's what I call it.
Patrick, fall out!
So you believe the service to be
a helter-skelter, don't you?
So you think the Army's a joke?
That is wrong!
I'll show you
that the service is no fun at all.
I'll show you it damn well isn't.
Attention, troop!
Down!
Up!
Down!
Up!
Down!
Up!
Down!
Patrick! Nothing to do with you, eh?
Down!
Stay down!
Up!
Schulze!
Come back!
It's an order!
Schulze!
Schulze!
"I shall never cut anyone's
plait again."
With scissors?
-And you know you shouldn't?
-Mm.
I know that feeling.
But suddenly you get an urge -
and snip!
You did it once as well?
And had to stay in after school?
-It's coming to me.
-How long?
Twenty years perhaps.
You are too big for your boots!
It would have to be some plait!
Look.
-I'll finish your lines for you.
-Yeah.
And you won't tell anybody you saw me.
It's a deal!
Well, thanks.
"I'll never have the same
opportunity again."
Are you finished?
Wagner's gone to pick bilberries,
my girl.
Not without my knowing, my lad.
I happen to be his teacher.
Oh no!
-Who?
-Schulze.
He won't get far -
he's a bungler.
"For you voice - Alkalis Spa"
It's ten past one.
We must begin at two sharp.
I hope everything's fixed -
so we can go on the air
in fifty minutes.
What about the music?
When Professor Vavari pulls the cord...
That's me?
Yes, the music starts
and goes on...
till the first speaker gets up
onto the stage.
-It's clear.
-I am glad to hear that.
That's all, thank you.
Let's try it then, girls.
Choruses of children sing.
Halleluiah, glory, glory
Welcome, memorial day...
-Pigtail Eva!
-Pigtail Eva!
Come on, Eva, you're so stupid!
Ouch, ouch!
Hello, your autograph, please.
-Well, Theresa...
-Oh, hi, Theresa...
-Where have you dropped from?
-I'm working here. And you?
So my warmest sympathy to you,
it is horrible here.
Listen, gentlemen.
When the Professor unveils the statue,
we'll start playing.
And we will keep playing
until he reaches the stand, is that clear?
Listen, don't cry.
-I'm not crying.
-Want to hear some music?
-Hm.
-Then pull this.
That'll be for television, I guess.
Oh! Yes!
Christ, can't you stop it?
What?
What Vavari?
Why did Vavari touch it?
And where are the organizers?
Since time immemorial,
the ill have come to Alkalis town
from all over Europe
to restore their health in peace
and quiet.
And why Alkalis?
I'm not sure.
At least you don't look like a soldier.
But I look like a lunatic.
And they lock them up, too.
Search the garden!
You stay here, the others with me.
You search the attic,
we check it in here.
Come on!
Jump out of the window!
I'm sorry!
Round the corner, into the garden!
Halt!
Prepare for action!
Violins, nothing but violins!
Don't do anything, please.
We must wait.
How was it?
Was I loud enough?
-You were fine, but it wasn't on.
-How come?
We begin in ten minutes.
-But that would mean it's over.
-Yes, it would.
But that would be a mistake...
-Ah...!
-Ouch!
-What a fool...
-Why me...
-Hey!
-And where did you find it?
But I was standing there...
Pack it up and let's go...
-Lest us go! The car, quickly!
-Hey! Can you hear me?
Hey!
That's horrible.
Let's go.
I'm sorry to disturb
when you're planning an action, sir.
No, it's only a children's' game
called Sparrow.
You never played it as a kid?
No, minister, I did not.
I studied at a military school
since I was eight years old.
What a pity,
I must teach you then,
it's great fun.
We can play Sparrow later.
Now we have more urgent tasks, sir.
-Why?
-A report's just come in from Alkalis.
Some troubles in the barracks.
There's always something
going on there.
Look, it's very simple.
You just move the stones about.
An even stone for an odd one.
Even stones replace odd stones.
And who makes the last move
is the Sparrow.
And you mustn't make a third move.
One...
In the name of the whole nation,
minister...
I beg you to stop playing the Sparrow
at this critical junction!
I await you orders.
All right, let's have a look.
Alkalis? Where is it?
It'll be in sector A8.
Yes, Alkalis.
It happened in this military
sector here.
I know it, a weird region.
I dated two twin girls there
as a student.
But I didn't know about it.
When one couldn't come,
the other replaced her.
I took me six months to find out.
Oh, yes, Alkalis!
Believe it or not, it was a small
pimple on the neck
that gave them away in the end.
It was there one day,
and then it wasn't.
And the third day it was back again.
Well, and then again nothing.
Alkalis, I see.
Who's the local commander?
Colonel Korund.
Korund, Korund.
Look, Kraus, take it over,
will you?
Yes minister, but I need it in writing.
Alex, come with me for the opening
close-up.
And Robert, you shoot what you can.
Tommy, you'll take the long shots.
Where is my microphone?
OK, thank you.
One minute and we can start.
Well, no!
One minute and we have to start.
And we'll begin with that sentry
over there.
We'll see what happens next.
-What about us?
-I don't know.
Thank you.
Professor Vavari.
The TV van's here!
Hello, can you hear me?
One, two, three...
Good!
Cameramen, headphones, let me check!
No matter what happens,
carry on till I stop you.
One, can you hear me?
Two, can you hear me?
Three, can you hear me?
Good.
Can you imagine our boss -
when he sees our programme?
Should you need a lecture
concerning music theory, -
I am at your disposal.
-Jesus, what a fool!
-Thank you, I'll think about it.
May I mention it's not a matter
of money in my case?
Throw him out, we're on!
-Oh dear!
-Excuse me, please.
-Well, if this was about...
-My scarf!
...and on the occasion
of the anniversary -
of the great composer's visit
to this spa -
a monument is being unveiled to him.
Enjoy the programme.
Dear viewers, please forgive
any technical shortcomings.
Today's reportage will be a bit!
sensational and therefore off the cuff!
Hello...
The topic of our programme
will be the small barracks,
but make sure you don't
switch your TV sets off.
You'd miss a lot!
For instance... this soldier
on sentry duty. Hello!
We'd like to ask you something
about your barracks.
Here's my TV pass.
I don't think there's a reason
why you couldn't let us in, or...
-Sign it here.
-Ok.
Fine.
And write also:
"To dear Karel with love"
Certainly, as you wish.
"To dear Karel
with love." Here you are.
-And now you can go in.
-Thank you.
What kind of show is this?
Do you want to ruin me?
Where's the J.S. Bach
unveiling ceremony?
Stop it at once! What is it?
Wait, don't stop it yet.
But have a nature documentary
at hand just in case.
The one with the squirrels!
I've got a surprise for you.
Allow me to introduce
Edita and Benjamin Novák!
Forgive me, I must tell you,
I cannot entertain you,
For I must sleep, sleep, sleep.
Wait till in the morning
I am woken up by the sun.
Now I am asleep, asleep, asleep.
There's nothing here for me
apart from my dreams.
Everything around is hidden in the mist.
Even my hands are strange to me.
I cannot tell day from night
I cannot see where my
dream's come from.
I just know I'm asleep, asleep...
Oh, yeah!
When no one stops me
Yeah!
I take sleeping pills.
And sleep, and I sleep, and I sleep.
Do not be angry with me
if my voice is bad
when I sleep, sleep, sleep.
Maybe I dreamt too much,
for I was suddenly overwhelmed
by a feeling of being surrounded
by a thousand of clarinets playing.
And I sang along with them
at the top of my voice
for everyone to understand,
that I know I'm asleep, asleep...
I do not know where I'll find myself
the moment I wake up.
I do not know where I am asleep,
asleep.
I just know that the dream of mine
did not take place on this Earth
where I am asleep, asleep, asleep.
Somewhere in the middle of eternity
I dreamt up a girl.
And since then I've been dreaming
for her only,
with her only, about her only.
And so I beg you once again,
leave me alone, I have no time
now I am asleep, asleep, asleep.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Now I am asleep
oh, I am asleep.
And so I beg you once again
leave me alone, I have no time,
now I am asleep, asleep, asleep!
Hurray!
Where's the staff?
The cowards!
Cowards!
Excuse me.
Oh boy, what a treat, a sun dial...
-We're lost.
-No, we're saved.
I know him.
It's that idiot Hubert.
We used the window, if you like,
-for tactical reasons.
-Yes.
-Nothing happens without a plan.
Is that clear? -Yes.
-And you've seen nobody. Get it?
-Yes, I do.
-Do you know what a scout is?
-Yes, an informer of a kind.
Right.
Only last week the lads beat one up!
Well done!
And that'll be your job now.
Voluntarily,
or is it to be an order? So?
-Oh, well, voluntarily.
-There's a good lad!
For tactical reasons
the staff is now moving into bunkers.
Down, gentlemen.
Direction bunker, forward crawl!
-I eagerly await your news in the bunker.
-Yes, sir!
Can I ask you a question?
Could you tell our viewers
what actually happened?
Well, we were on the drill ground
-and Lt. Max sent him to the tree.
-Excuse me.
Who did he send to the tree?
-Schulze, of course.
-I see.
A funny bloke,
-always playing the clarinet.
-Yes.
And who is Lt. Max?
-Our commander.
-He is our commander.
And he just suddenly ran away.
Your commander?
-No, Schulze, of course.
-I see.
Well, thank you very much for
your effort.
-May I?
-You may.
...it's either bigger or smaller.
Don't touch it!
Not this Zeiss lens, you see...
Excuse me, but could you explain
it to us?
-Me?
-Yes.
But of course, Corporal Kyncl,
brewery owner.
-In civil life, after my Dad, of course.
-Pleased to meet you.
My wife is a research worker.
-You don't really care about that,
do you? -No.
What you want to know is
how it all actually happened, right?
-Yes.
-So I'll tell you. Here, or...
-Naturally.
-Naturally, but where?
-Here.
-Here, yes.
-Pardon...
-Well...
Now, how did it actually happen?
Schulze ran off, deserted,
that's a fact.
So we created a pursue squad.
Because of pressure from above,
of course.
And we found Schulze
in a lady's boudoir.
And?
And I happened to be the first person
to enter it.
Schulze jumped out of the window,
followed by a figure in a uniform,
probably his uniform,
as they'd swapped their clothes.
Thank you.
So we pursued the fleeing couple,
very hard.
And we succeeded in surrounding them
both.
-Where now, please?
-Here.
We surrounded them both,
but then the figure
in uniform disappeared.
And Schulze started to run
despite being within gunshot.
I was going to shoot, of course whilst
being pressured from above,
-when I suddenly saw that my...
-Thank you for your information.
-Yeah, but...
-Dear viewers. You have heard
the very first accounts
of the eye-witnesses
of this peculiar transformation.
And since everybody around here
has an instruments
and the popular singer Edita's present
as well,
we shall have a little experiment.
-The singer is Edita...
-Jesus!
Accompanied by the First Artillery
Section.
What shall I sing?
-What shall I sing?
-"In Opera"!
"In Opera" then.
In Opera!
In Opera!
When I was very small
my wish was most of all
-to sing in a big choir.
-In Opera!
When I was somewhat bigger
I was told that I should rather
-knock at the door of opera.
-In Opera!
Somebody said: "Come in",
I found myself within
and began an aria to sing,
about Johnny and Mary.
Now my checks all pale
I await who'll seal my fate,
but nobody moves or speaks,
not even when the lights go up.
My hopes go dim,
my career in opera's over -
before it has begun.
My career in opera is over!
My hopes go dim,
my career in opera's over -
before it has begun.
Bravo, Edita!
Give me the mike,
I want to say something as well.
-But be brief, please.
-Brief?
-Very brief.
-Hurray!
That was an unrehearsed manifestation!
An expression of joy over
what happened
at our beloved barracks.
Alright?
-Excellent!
-Alright!
MILITARY AREA
Stop! Stop!
Back!
Back 10 metres!
Hallo!
How much?
250,000?
Yes, I understand.
But, we did not intend to accept ads
in such an important programme.
I know,
the whole nation's watching.
Well, that's the reason.
We don't wish to make money
from such a festive occasion.
350,000?
Well...
But we need a confirmation
by telegraph.
Okay, Lemonade Super.
Put this in the programme...
No, go to hell
with those squirrels of yours!
The ad for Lemonade Super!
Okay, one more time, but slowly!
Damn it!
Sit down!
Forward, but quickly!
Go to hell!
I'm a driver, not a shunter.
This is desertion!
Come back!
Come back!
OK?
We're ready.
Let's go!
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's have a look
at the conductor of this garrison
now.
Or rather, at the Commander
of this orchestra.
Excuse me.
Please, Gustik...
So this is your Commander's office?
Yes, Colonel Korund's.
Full of clothes, strangely chaotic.
What could be in the wardrobe then?
Clothes.
We're in luck, the Commander's here.
What entitles you to this invasion?
Please forgive us reporters a bit
of spontaneity,
but the public wants to be informed.
Our viewers will surely
welcome your opinion
about the new situation here.
But if only you could somehow...
-Come out, is that it?
-Yes.
Well...
Now...
The situation's surely
very interesting,
and we welcome the transformation
of our weapons
into musical instruments.
Because music is the triumph
of the human spirit.
It refreshes us.
I welcome this transformation,
and I hope it won't last long...
I mean for people to understand
the significance...
It is clear you're keen on music.
Our viewers would also like to know
since when you love music so much.
It might not seem that way,
but ever since I was a child.
-Oh no!
-Oh yes!
I used to sing even as a toddler!
And my nickname was "G clef"
at school!
As you can see, your childhood story
is very amusing indeed.
So I think we should conclude
this interview
by asking you to sing a song
for us!
I'm so sorry, but I'm indisposed...
Sing!
Sing!
Alright then.
Below the blue mountains
on the distant horizon,
there was a small cottage.
There we played happily as children.
There our mother kissed us sweetly...
Minister, we can't intervene.
Upon crossing a certain line -
all the weapons change into
musical instruments.
What rubbish is that, Kraus?
What have we got planes for?
Off you go!
Gentlemen, what a blockhead!
Are you feeling hot?
Drink Lemonade Super.
He's a super blockhead!
And this is the end our reportage
from the Alkalis
garrison troops,
with Edith taking the salute!
Present arms!
The whole garrison is assembled
for inspection!
-Thank you. -And this concludes our
reportage on this most peculiar incident!
Goodbye!
Dismiss!
How was it?
-My congratulations, Miss.
-Thank you.
Paratroopers!
We used to have a ball
with bright colours.
And this colourful ball
hit my sister's head.
And my sister kicked it up
and the ball jumped up
and suddenly disappeared.
And my sister kicked it up
and the ball jumped up
and suddenly disappeared.
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
In excitement
we ran away.
Vaguely suspecting
that the game would not be finished.
No trace of the ball at all.
None of us understood
where the ball could have gone.
No trace of the ball at all.
None of us understood
where the ball could have gone.
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball? -"Evil Dog, Beware"
-Where's the ball?
We crept through all trenches
of the world.
In the many years gone by.
And no one can feel our desire
to return the ball into the game.
We walk along pavements,
we wade through mud.
Where the path is not straight
we are happy to make a turn.
At any rate
we want to find the ball, so deceitfully
and suddenly disappearing.
At any rate
we want to find the ball, so deceitfully
and suddenly disappearing.
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where's the ball?
-Where did you hide it?
-Where did you hide it?
Excuse me, madam,
where's the Commander?
Special shock squad of paratroopers
sent to annihilate the revolt
in Alkalis barracks has reached its
destination, but task remains unfulfilled.
So we shall remain till things
get clear.
-Supper!
-Hurray!
I've been collecting your photos
for so long
-and now I see you're quite different.
-Disappointed?
Not yet.
Are you having supper with us?
Not yet.
Here is your soup.
Move on, please.
That's it...
Here's the soup.
-Thanks.
-You are welcome. Bye.
I must tell you that.
I fired you today.
Then I took it back, of course.
But if it had turned out badly...
It would have been bad for me.
Alright, so now pack up
and call me in the morning.
Great.
...she should hear me...
-I was feeling sick.
-Yeah?
I had to lean against the truck,
you see?
And did it help?
Well, of course, I'm fine now.
So goodbye then.
Ouch!
Ouch!
-What's going on here? -Come,
we've got potato pancakes and a show!
It's reserved here!
Come on, get lost!
Get lost, can you hear me?
Dear friends, and now I give you
Sergeant Nikolas and his song!
I've seen you on TV many times.
-But I never believed we'd actually talk!
-Neither did I.
Really?
I wish
I could see my face
in the golden plate
of his holy trumpet.
I wish
I could see its glow,
two black hands
and two white cuffs.
I wish
I could hear the voice,
so familiar to all of us.
I wish
I could play...
Hello, Satchmo, hello.
Hello, Satchmo
...just like you.
I wish
I could hear the voice,
so familiar to all of us.
I wish
I could play...
Hello, Satchmo, hello.
Hello, Satchmo.
...like you.
Do not be surprised with my courage.
And if you feel offended,
stop frowning,
that is enough
as my song
is over now.
Attention, please!
Attention, please!
We've got a lost cigarette case
answering to the name of Karel.
I repeat: A lost cigarette case
answering to the name of Leopold.
Please kindly hand it over to me
if you find it.
And if the finder doesn't want to,
let him keep it.
And the next piece now: Edita!
I try to figure out in vain,
why most men
do not like
to see a lady
cold and passive.
Recently
one came to me,
so sweet and nice.
And really sophisticatedly
he addressed me:
You would just sit
and keep quiet.
And that is not what it should be
like and I am warning you.
I guess you should now
that I'm going to propose love.
I guess you should now
that I love you.
I do not like men
enforcing attention.
Buying happiness from women
in exchange of money.
These men
are not for me.
I prefer the one
coming
modestly and calmly
and saying:
You would just sit
and keep quiet.
And that is not what it should be
like and I am warning you.
I guess you should now
that I'm going to propose love.
I guess you should now
that love you.
The one
who came yesterday
to the street where I live,
in the darkness
of the dusk,
he was very smart.
His eyes were glowing tenderly
and he asked shyly
and when I said yes,
he whispered in a quiet voice:
You would just sit
and keep quiet.
And that is not what it should be
like and I am warning you.
I guess you should now
that I'm going to propose love.
I guess you should now
that love you.
What?
How much?
I see, I see.
Wait, wait, wait, I will...
Oh, I see, Diana furniture.
The mouse trap people
also got moving then.
That's over 200,000.
Of course, take everything.
-One moment!
-A telegram.
"Alkalis programme excellent."
"Interested in ads in similar programme."
"Implemented in the closest link
with the transcendental."
"Offer half a million for six slogans."
"60-minute revue."
"Limo Super & Company."
Hello?
Reject all offers.
What?
I repeat: "Reject all offers."
And don't ask about my health
anymore!
-Have you spoken to Theresa?
-I can't get hold of her.
Jesus, "I can't."
My nightgown!
Half a million's at stake, woman!
Please allow me to sing a song
I wrote only today.
-Bravo!
-Bravo!
The tune's well-known,
so I just wrote the lyrics.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
should hear this song of mine.
The others will forgive me,
that she alone interests me,
for her and for no other
I wish to live and sing.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason,
why I am now here
and proudly and without fear
singing into the wind
this song of mine.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Theresa, read Theresa
the question in my eyes.
Written in block capitals
is the message I have for you.
You know before you read it,
what it is I ask of you.
At home they always wondered
why I wasn't ashamed of being idle.
But I preferred being ashamed
to doing something... I know
Now I'd like to invite up here
our dear visitors from the skies.
Please.
And before they sing for us...
If you please.
I'll ask them a couple
of nosy questions.
Well, question number one:
Do you need a lot of courage
before you jump?
Yes, either that or a good push.
-And what do you think of when diving?
-Of my wife.
-Excellent. And how about you?
-Of his wife.
It's perfect.
He's making great strides.
Only last week he still thought of
Donald Duck.
And what could you say about diving
or falling as such?
Today, the incidence of falls
is quite varied,
as well as frequent.
Falls are most frequent in children,
most popular with gentlemen,
and deepest in ladies.
We're confusing physical
and moral falls now, aren't we?
There's really no difference
between the two.
They both begin with attraction,
and end up with...
With a smashed face.
Only the former is self-inflicted,
whereas the latter is not.
That is...
Well, I'm sorry.
So let's remember the wisdom
of our experienced paratroopers.
And what shall be your final words?
Well, it'll be the words in a song
dedicated to a girl
-with immense... gravitational force.
-Babetta!
Pass me the beer.
Thanks.
Well?
Little Babetta went away
and I would bet
that Babetta was confused
for she left me behind alone.
She probably does not know
that solo is no good for me
and that without her I am lost.
Catch Babetta
so that she's with me again.
Little Babetta went away
and I say come what may.
You are grown up, so go
and then come back.
Every day at dusk
I will remember and sing
about little Babetta going away
and about my love for her.
When Babetta returns,
she will have known
her mistake by then.
And she will want to keep
the promise
she once made to me.
My Babetta went away
and I am now all pale.
But there is still hope
that when she gets to know the world,
she'll find out it's high time
she came back.
I can see her hailing a cab,
where is she, why is she so late?
You know, this Babetta
I bet
will be back by summer.
Every day at dusk
I will remember and sing
about little Babetta going away
and about my love for her.
When Babetta returns,
she will have known
her mistake by then.
And she will want to keep
the promise
she once made to me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha
she once made to me.
Little Babetta went away
and left me behind alone.
She left me behind in a hurry
and I do not know where she went.
But I have bought
a first-class cane
and I enjoy
thinking about
Babetta not knowing
she'll be beaten when she comes back.
Babetta went away
and she'll come back.
Maybe in seven, maybe in eight,
or maybe in fifty years.
But I will keep waiting
and singing about
how Babetta went away
and how she will return.
When Babetta returns,
she will have known.
her mistake by then.
And she will want to keep
the promise
she once made to me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha
She once made to me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha
She once made to me.
Babetta
La la la la la
La la la la la
Attention!
Attention please!
This is a special announcement!
Attention!
Dear lads, I speak to you as a friend,
we have always got on well
with each other.
Let no one force you into
anything rash.
Keep calm and tomorrow
everything will go back to normal.
Come for a friendly talk
in the morning,
for a talk
with your good old Commander,
your good old Dad.
End of announcement.
End of announcement.
Last post, is it?
How come, gentlemen?
And make beds well tonight,
it's for the ladies.
Get a move on, lads!
Come on,
we're expecting ladies!
We're done, we're done!
It needs a touch of perfume,
don't you think?
To make it smell better.
Or not?
-Have you got it?
-Yeah.
So here you are.
I put a flower there for you.
-It's an azalea.
-Oh, this is lovely.
No, not you.
Your room is the third door
on the right... after you.
-Good night then.
-Good night, Beni.
Round the corner, if you please.
I can fix your bedsheet better!
And I hope you have sweet dreams.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
-For instance about me.
-Oh dear.
If somebody had told me I'd sleep
in a barracks tonight in a bunkbed...
What's wrong with you?
I'm a bit annoyed, I guess.
-Well, what are you up to?
-Do you want to be up or down?
-It's kind of bad.
-...she should hear
this song of mine.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible,
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Theresa, read Theresa
the question in my eyes.
You know before you read it
what it is I ask of you.
-Good night.
-Good night!
Theresa, Theresa alone,
she should hear this song of mine.
Is the door locked?
Don't be afraid, we're on guard!
I told you to keep quiet, quiet
and quiet!
and you gab on, gab on and gab on!
It's alright, nobody heard anything!
Oh, I see.
Good evening.
Good evening.
-We initially thought we'd...
-No. You said we'd...
-It's just a little...
-Thank you.
...token.
Well, we can go now.
Don't close it!
No, don't do that!
Hallo, hallo, hey!
Hallo, hallo, hey!
Open it!
Open it!
Here!
The window!
Hey!
Hey!
Okay, get ready!
I'm switching it on.
Transmission truck 25, barracks
next to Alkalis Spa. Theresa speaking.
Can you hear me, Theresa?
Yes, I can.
We're just packing up.
Theresa,
you know I appreciate your work,
don't you?
You need something again, right?
Me? No, but you need something -
an opportunity!
Stay put and fix up a revue.
You've got a free hand.
It's wonderful! But?
Yes, there is a snag.
I'll send you everything you need.
Do you agree with that?
Yes, I do, but what is the snag exactly?
There are actually three 'snags'.
First of all, there must be six ads
for Lemonade Super.
I see.
Six times Lemonade Super.
Secondly, no politics and no indecency.
And I'm sending a ballet troop.
There are far too many men to my taste.
And the third snag?
Well, you know I've got faith in you, -
so you mustn't let me down.
The revue must be on TV
as early as tonight.
What? What?
Yes, at 9 p.m.
That's not a snag, it's a blow!
Yes, but think of the benefits.
It'll be a bit risky for you, true.
Certain people at the top
won't be too pleased.
So if anything transpires,
don't expect me to do anything
about it.
But otherwise, there are
only advantages, right?
Theresa, say "yes"
and I'll send you a hundred...
Hello?
I mean eighty thousand.
So tonight at nine then.
Theresa, you're smashing!
-Breakfast.
-Oh, Patrick!
I've just been thinking about you.
I talked to my boss on the phone,
and tonight...
I'm sorry, but it's time to get up.
Thank you.
What the hell are you doing here?
What's the meaning of this?
You'll hear about this!
Get lost!
This was the first time
I'd volunteered to be on guard.
What is that?
Alarm!
Colonel Foller, Colonel Schling,
Major Lang. If you please.
Have you got an explanation,
professor?
No.
Attention!
Have you ever worked with
such a disciplined ensemble?
Soldiers,
there will be a revue on TV
tonight at 9 p.m.
A most exciting programme!
So we're going to watch it!
No, quite to the contrary,
you will be the performers!
Out of 100 minutes of the
programme 75 are yours.
Everyone who can perform,
please step forth!
Well, what a promising start.
Don't worry, they're only shy.
Soldiers!
Attention!
Those who can perform, left turn!
Those who can't, right turn!
Forward march!
-We're going that way!
-You're wrong!
They've just said so...
Those who can do something
should go that way.
No, they should go to the left!
"No cameras!"
Absolutely not, strict orders,
no entry!
We're to perform there tonight,
-it's for a TV show!
-A TV show?
Out of the question!
Look, it's not possible, ladies!
Now stop it, please!
Welcome, come in, welcome.
Splendid, excellent!
-Well, what can you do?
-Nothing.
The Violin company then.
Here, you need a bow as well.
-What about you?
-He's my pal.
He's a great mimic,
he can make owl sounds. Show them!
It looks interesting,
but I can't hear anything.
He did it so well only yesterday.
Come on!
Sorry, we have no time.
The Violin company.
He really did it so well.
What's wrong with you?
Is it stage fright or what?
Quiet, please!
We're working!
I've seen you on TV
so many times,
but I never thought
I'd actually talk to you.
Haven't you told me that before?
Bloody hell.
I thought it sounded familiar.
So what can you do?
Gentlemen, no way!
No, by no means!
-It's not true...
-I disagree...
What are we to do then?
Capitulate?
Who said that?
Did anyone say "capitulate"?
No, of course not.
Nobody would dare to say it.
What are you waiting for?
Where's some action?
Well, we've got nothing
to go into action with.
-Why's that? -There's something's
wrong with our weapons.
So what?
Take a leaf out of history books.
There were no machine guns
or tanks in the Stone Age
and how well they fought!
Stones, gravity and
a pinch of Neanderthal common sense,
which you evidently lack,
should completely suffice.
-I have a plan.
-Really?
The main convention up here...
-Have you seen Vagner?
-Who's he?
A boy.
-Peep!
-You're robbers?
No, we're just uncles, you see?
I seem to know that one.
Aren't you Giant Matthew?
The giant that devours sheep.
-Do you devour sheep?
-Yes, he does!
-Indeed he does!
-Oh, what lovely toys!
No, don't do that, girlie.
It's only for us uncles, you see?
Well, let's sing a song then.
Do you know the song
"Where're you running to, old snail?"
Alright, we'll sing the song
with you, little girl,
"Where're you running to, old slug?"
"Old snail!"
Well, old snail, yes.
Old snail.
-Old snail.
-If you promise not to tell anyone
-about us being here at all, okay?
-Alright, if it's so important to you.
Gentlemen!
Where are you running to, old snail?
You cannot catch your breath.
Return to your meadow
and do not spit on the path.
La, la, la, la...
Yeah!
-Feeling sick again?
-Well...
I'm off duty, so I'm waiting
for the library to open.
-I see, the library...
-Well.
But the library's over there.
Oh.
Then I am actually sick.
Ouch...
One more time then.
One.
Two.
Three.
You see, it's not bad if you try.
Tonight at 9 p.m., Alkalis barracks!
Do not miss tonight's unique event!
I repeat,
Tonight at 9 p.m., Alkalis barracks!
Girls!
Girls!
What's wrong, soldier boy?
I beg your pardon!
And now all the three notes together.
Attention!
One.
Two.
Three.
You see? You can do it if you try!
One more time then.
Tiptoe not to wake
the girl who,
as you know,
has not left
her house for so long.
Who knows
what's wrong with her.
Who knows
what's wrong with her.
That she has not left her house
for so long.
Tiptoe not to wake
the mercury soaring up and up.
Even though yesterday
it still
cowered so modestly in the corner.
It's bad
when there's an illness in the house.
It's bad
when there's an illness in the house
where someone lives alone.
High fever takes the girl
away into infinite blue-grey gardens
where her hand nearly touches
the places from where
there is no return.
Tiptoe not to wake
the house, the garden and the bars.
The pale window's
missing something
and so is the one not leaving the house.
And the one, the one, the one,
not leaving the house.
Not leaving the house for so long.
Good morning.
I'm sorry.
-He can do it now.
-Alright.
Have you lost something, little one?
Well, I'm of medium height, in fact.
And I'm looking for Miss Theresa.
We still don't know what we'll sing.
Oh, can you sing already?
Of course.
I'm in the choir.
Well, you're a born soloist,
I can see that!
Where are you dragging the boat,
captain?
Do not climb the stairs with it, sir.
You will wake up the tenants.
In the basement, on the floor,
the caretaker will scold you,
for he is a giant.
Look, you have hit the railing
with the anchor.
Beware! Or I will tear your overalls.
Keep your jokes to yourself.
And return to the Mississippi.
The boat needs water
from the morning till the evening,
splashing and splashing.
And splashing and splashing.
And splashing and splashing.
And splashing and splashing.
I wouldn't want that on TV.
Only it's not for you to decide.
Did you like it?
It's our boarding school anthem.
We should have stood to attention
then!
Oh no, it's just silly lyrics
to a silly tune.
Ok, thank you.
Next one, please.
Gentlemen!
First of all,
we surround the provocation area.
Then we wait in preliminary
position
in order to observe
enemy's preparations.
At zero hour, which cannot
be estimated in advance,
our unit penetrates the object
from the rear, gentlemen.
All performers have to be
annihilated.
It will be mainly a matter
of fisticuffs.
Women are to be moved
and guarded
in Area W.
Electricity supply will be cut off.
The area will be cleared up
within zero hour II,
then reoccupied
and secured from
any potential counter-attack.
First operational officer.
Second operational officer.
Third operational officer.
Communications,
rear guard commander,
supplies commander.
Commander-in-chief and director
of operations is none other
but myself, gentlemen.
But I don't really know
who our men are.
"Our men" is Private Hubert.
Private Hubert!
Yes, sir!
Private Hubert,
you'll carry out
an important operation today.
At 19.00 you'll surround
the barracks building
and gain a complete picture
of enemy preparations.
You'll need it for further actions.
This is the plan.
If they catch you, not a word,
-do you understand?
-No, not even under torture!
There won't be any torture,
just make sure you don't gab!
Swear!
I swear not to gab
and behave in accordance
with my country's expectations.
March on!
About turn!
Cross!
Cross!
About turn!
One, two, three!
One more time.
Pay attention!
March on!
About turn!
Cross!
Cross!
About turn!
One, two, three!
Now try it alone.
March on!
That's clear, girls!
A couple of steps...
-About turn!
-Eight.
Eight.
Puete, puete...
-Three!
-...sautee, position one, passee...
-About turn!
-...walk on...
-One, two, three!
-...and a parody of a pirouette.
Well, it should be alright now.
Let's go.
March on!
About turn!
Cross!
Cross!
About turn!
One, two, three!
Bloody hell,
I said only in emergency!
Ministry of Defence.
That yesterday's reportage
of yours was over the top,
but what you're planning for tonight
is an actual insult to our Army!
I forbid you most explicitly
to carry out such provocation!
Allow me to remind you, minister,
that we are an independent TV station.
Excuse me?
Of course.
I respect your decision.
Were we under the Ministry of Defence,
we would definitely obey your order.
But in this situation, you'll
have to excuse us.
We could sing for an hour.
"A Nosegay of Flowers",
"Choruses of Children Sing in Glory"
"You are like a Bird",
"Song of my Country..."
-And your school anthem, right?
-Yes!
No, that's only for us.
-I love seeing you on TV.
-Yeah?
Only at home my parents
always switch you off.
They say you're too flighty.
I still don't know what to put
on these girls.
Well, such pretty girls...
-They don't really need anything.
-Come on, we'll think of something.
It's a quarter to six,
it's a quarter to a lot.
A quarter to too much.
Well, girls, show us what you can do.
-Let's go, let's go!
-Oh lovely, how lovely!
Choruses of girls sing in glory:
Halleluiah, glory, glory
welcome, glorious day.
Glory, glory, halleluiah
Glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, halleluiah
Glory, halleluiah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
Glory, halleluiah...
I've found this costume.
It looks ridiculous,
but that's the general idea, isn't it?
What do you say to that?
Take it off this minute!
I thought it'd be funny...
Off with it!
Anybody got a lighter?
Here.
Thanks.
Get lost!
Well, as an amateur director,
I've had a number of productions
and I consider them both successful.
For instance, my Hamlet for Kiddies,
with Mickey Mouse in the main role.
Is this better?
Yes, I'll take it.
Let's go.
Prepare camera three.
Take a seat, director.
Cut.
Let's hope he'll follow my instructions.
Stop!
You bungler!
Where does the arrow come from?
-From the right.
-The whole sentence!
The arrow comes from the right.
And where did you come from?
Oh, yes, it was a mistake!
So let's do it!
Sometimes I think
that love is so remote
I do not eat, I do not sing
and my knees are shaking
The feeling fades away like mist
whenever I see you
and my soul is at peace
I believe to be a butterfly
thinking stubbornly
that it is no fun to be flying
from one flower to another
And that is why he's decided
for the most beautiful of flowers
and wants to live for it alone
Perhaps I said
more than I meant to.
That is life.
It is because
I know
that you are the one.
-My head goes round...
-Perhaps because of the lilac.
And you would like to write poems
with an eyebrow pencil.
All that will have the same reason
known to me for a long time
that love creates sleepless nights.
Now, now, now...
I believe to be a butterfly
thinking stubbornly
that it is no fun to be flying
from one flower to another.
And that is why he's decided
for the most beautiful of flowers
and wants to live for it alone.
Perhaps you said
more than you meant to.
That is life.
It is because
that I know
that you are the one.
Your head goes round,
perhaps because of the lilac.
And you would like to write poems
with an eyebrow pencil.
All that will have the same reason
known to me for a long time
that love creates sleepless nights.
-That love creates
-Yes, sir.
-creates sleepless nights...
-Yes, sir.
Oh yes, my baby.
I'm sorry.
Can we help you?
I've thought it all well over,
and I'd like to work with you.
I never despised music,
quite to the contrary.
So perhaps I could be of some use.
I believe you could.
You could bring us some food.
Copy that!
Who was that?
Attention!
I have my doubts to be honest.
Minister,
special task force awaiting orders!
Dismiss!
Sir, these boys know their job.
Excuse me.
It was them some years ago...
Oh really?
-You don't say so!
-Yes.
It's dangerous to touch the stars
fallen to the ground,
fallen from heaven.
It's dangerous to touch you.
The stars read
why I go to bed with sorrow
in the evening...
-Why, why, why?
-Why I cry when I wake up...
-Why, why?
-and why no one loves me.
Why I say to myself so often
that I must get married soon.
-And why I do not lock my door
-In the night.
-in the night.
-In the night.
Even though I know
I should be afraid.
Stop!
Beni, it's a bit too high!
Saxy to the left.
Claudia, watch the red light.
please.
I know, the red light...
Yes, and keep an eye on her, -
it's her first time on camera.
And complete silence, please!
And now we're shooting
the rehearsal, alright?
All set!
It's dangerous to touch the stars
fallen to the ground
fallen from heaven.
It's dangerous to touch you.
The stars read
why I go to bed with sorrow
in the evening...
-Why, why, why?
-Why I cry when I wake up
-Why, why?
-and why no one loves me.
Why I say to myself so often
that I must get married soon.
-And why I do not lock my door
-In the night.
-in the night.
-In the night.
Even though I know
that I should be afraid.
It's dangerous to touch the stars
fallen to the ground,
fallen from heaven.
It's dangerous to touch you...
Plunging into danger
is an honour for us.
Today we must
touch the stars together.
Today we must
touch the stars together.
And now let's see what you've learnt.
Please...
Splendid!
Carry on.
What do you mean?
Keep on playing.
-That's all?
-That's all.
This is the finale, clearly!
Dismiss!
Theresa...
Well, television,
that's something, isn't it?
Would you like some coffee?
Yes, I would, and Theresa too.
Burnus is my name.
Here's a letter for you from our boss.
He should know by now
how to spell my name.
Since when has he been so offish?
We're to put you
in the programme at any cost.
-That was his express wish.
-Okay, go on then.
Thank you.
-Well, our supper's gone.
-But at least we have a clown.
Well, I must tick this first,
I wouldn't see it later.
Alright.
Gentlemen,
Hubert has completed his task.
I think luck is on our side.
You can watch a great documentary
on TV tonight, about the life of squirrels.
With all the squirrels drinking
Lemonade Super!
Maybe it's better this way.
A revue in one day is just crazy.
No worries, power will be back
on in one hour.
But that's too late, right?
Come out, all of you,
we've got light!
Switch in on!
Good!
Don't worry about it,
fun is all that matters.
And now this.
I always loved clowns as a boy.
Horses, lions, acrobats...
Nothing interested me as much
as clowns.
Ladies and gentlemen,
before we watch-
Theresa's Revue from Alkalis
Barracks, which begins in one minute,
please let me...
The TV set's broken down again.
Attention!
We ask all performers
to get ready.
We begin in one minute!
Attention!
We begin in one minute!
Good evening to all TV viewers.
Allow me to pay a silent tribute
to a man whom we must thank
most of all
for keeping the world in order.
Thank you.
I have in mind the inventor
of barbed wire. His discovery
assigns people to their restricted areas
quietly and without fuss.
Another inventor, on the other hand,
devoted his talents to chaos
and confusion
by inventing wireless communication,
which in fact ignores the barrier
of barbed wire.
I'd like to run out
and meet you, you know,
only I'd probably tear my dress,
as the former invention is
all around me now.
But in the building behind me
there are a thousand clarinets now.
I'm so happy about the clarinets.
If they were actually guns,
I'd probably be afraid.
To put it shortly,
tonight I'm happy
that I don't need to be afraid.
But forgive me, I nearly forgot
something very important.
I drink Lemonade Super
every single day!
It's refreshing and tastes delicious!
May today's programme
be huge success,
and every song we sing
sound great,
that is what matters!
Yeah!
Turn the spotlights on
so that the world can see us.
Alcohol is a whip,
three plus two is five.
That's why we like drinking
the delicious Super Lemonades.
We think about our pockets
and we buy it cheap.
We won't become alcoholics,
and will have change for cinema tickets.
La la la la la la
La la la la la la
Who calls a hen a dickey-bird
and then cuts off its head,
he should not listen to our jokes,
for it would not be decent of him.
We are not advocates of hens.
We only think it nice
to nest foolish ideas
under our caps.
Foolish ideas.
Foolish ideas.
Foolish ideas.
Foolish ideas...
We're lost!
We're lost!
Gentlemen, come and have a look!
The second one from the right, by Jove!
What lovely thighs!
What a treat!
Wait, I can't see!
-How lovely!
-That's something!
Having that at home...
It's like in the cinema once...
Music?
Do you know what music is?
Music, you know, is just one thing.
And that's blues!
Sorry.
I mean "boom"!
Boom!
Rhapsody in boom!
All the melodies in the world
reduced to a single boom!
Boom!
Did you hear that?
That was concentrated Lehar!
Don't laugh, you Barbarians!
What could be lovelier?
War has the most complicated
rhythms in the world.
Peace is an immoral state of affairs!
War regulates the world's population!
War ensures the survival of the fittest!
Without it humanity would degenerate -
into a herd of weedy musicians.
What are you laughing at, man?
Don't shout at me,
I'm not the regiment!
I am just one person.
Have you ever spoken
to only one person?
Limo Super makes less noise, -
but refreshes much more!
Hallo, hallo?
No, I am not talking.
I mean I actually am,
but nobody's listening.
Hello, Robert?
No, I didn't see it.
How did it go?
Theresa, Theresa alone,
should hear this song of mine.
The others will forgive me,
that she alone interests me.
For her and for no other
I wish to live and sing...
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason.
why I am now here
and proudly and without fear
singing into the wind
this song of mine.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Theresa, read Theresa
the question in my eyes.
Written in block letters
is the message I have for you.
You know before you read it,
what it is I ask of you.
Theresa, Theresa alone,
should hear this song of mine.
The others will forgive me,
that she alone interests me,
for her and for no other
I wish to live and sing...
Theresa, Theresa alone,
is the one and only reason
why I am now here
and proudly and without fear
singing into the wind
this song of mine.
Maybe
in a year or two she'll know,
who loved her so.
She'll know
that love is sweet and terrible
when it's one-sided
and inevitable.
Colonel,
we've got him, sir!
-Got who?
-Come with me.
Written in block letters
is the message I have for you.
You know before you read it
what it is I ask of you.
"Music School"
I'd like to take violin lessons.
Can you teach me?
I think this is not a suitable time.
It's night.
Defend yourself!
Defend yourself!
Ballet corps of Alhambra Theatre
and Karlín Theatre
Dance orchestra of the Czechoslovak
Radio
Conductors
Semafor Theatre Orchestra - Conductor
Karel Vlach's Orchestra
English subtitles:
Roberta Finlayson Samsour