Identity Crisis (1989) - full transcript

[funky music]

[scat singing]

[siren wailing]

- Let's see, the weirdest case?

That's easy.

Now that's after 30
years on the force,

and there ain't
shit I ain't seen.

The case of the missing homeboy

and the dead designer queen.

Two dudes stuck
in the same body,

and they was as different
as night and day.



The black kid was barely alive,

and the white guy, my wife's
friend, he passed away.

Some would call
it reincarnation.

My wife said it was cosmic fate.

Some would say it was
a bag lady's magic,

not a second too late.

Well, those dudes had themselves

[banging]
a serious identity crisis.

[hip hop music]

- [Yves] I love
this, it's wonderful!

[thunder booming]

♪ Yeah, if it ain't
for your grin ♪

♪ And keep your eyes
peeled far, yeah ♪

[Yves yelling]



- [Yves] It's my
time of the month!

- [Sebastian] Dad, come on,

your time of the month?
- Whoo!

- Jesus!
- All right!

Yes, Sebastian, it's my month.

Gemini is my sign, remember?

All the stars are in Gemini.

Huh, huh?

I can feel it in my buns!

- Your bones, your bones,
Dad, not your buns!

Now, come on,
would you sit down?

What if the press
sees you like this?

- Ah, the press,
I've never given

a flying fud what
the press thinks.

They can kiss my rich

and famous buns!
- Dad!

- [Yves] I did say
buns! [whooping]

- Dad, come on!

This is embarrassing, Dad!
[Yves whooping]

♪ Here we go, come on

♪ Pump, pump it up baby

[funky hip hop music]

♪ Get funky, get--

- Oh, come on, Dad!
- The cops.

- Sit down, now!
- The G-men

are going to get me.
- Dad, can you

please sit down now?

♪ I'm sweet like sugar,
bitter like salt ♪

♪ The way I'm livin'
is not my fault ♪

♪ Life is like a card
game, never set ♪

♪ 'Cause when you
see the base cards, ♪

♪ Then you place your bets

♪ You got the ace to the
king, the king to the queen ♪

♪ The queen to the jack,
'cause it's like that ♪

- [Sebastian] Dad,
please sit down.

Sit, sit!
- We can't go inside,

we are not there yet.

♪ The name's Chilly
D, not Bob or Bill ♪

♪ So I hope all the
ladies are on the pill ♪

- Let's see what we got
here in the old book.

We got Susie, no
no, she got fat.

Charlene, size eight.

[funky hip hop music]

Theresa, Theresa, ain't
got enough for me.

Jesus, man, this Malmaison dude,

he can't design nothin' right.

I always have to give
it the Chilly D touch.

Let's see what we got here.

Fresh from the hottest
summer islands.

Size seven.

- [Yves] Stop here!

Stop here, I'm going
to crack my legs.

- [Sebastian] What
are you gonna--

- [Yves] I'm going to
get out of the car.

- Okay, let's walk now.
- Get out of the car.

- All right.
- And walk.

I prefer to walk.
- All right.

- [Chilly] Okay, you
messed up the shoulders,

but I can deal with that.

Give it a nice low back.

Show the curves of the woman,

she ain't got no taste anyway,
but the girl does taste it.

I love me some
on-the-job training.

Badder than Davy
Crockett or Daniel Boone.

- [Bum] Ah, look at
this, nothing to drink!

- Get off my sandwich.

- You know, if you can do
magic, how come you ain't rich?

- Oh yeah?

I'd like to put your worthless
butt in a billy goat!

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah!

If I had a billy
goat right here,

I would put your no-good
behind right in it, wear it!

Oh, kind sir!

Please could you help me?

- Leave him alone.
- Shut up!

He don't believe I'm no witch.

- Oh, I believe you.

- Yeah.
- Bullshit!

If you're a witch, how come
you ain't got nothin' to drink?

- Magic!

I owe you one!
[bum groans]

- A good deed can come
back to haunt you.

- Know what I'd like to do?
- What?

- I'd like to put your
butt in a cockroach.

Yes, I'll betcha I can
find one right in here.

- [Bum] Uh-uh!
[Hag yells]

- [Sebastian] Boy, she
was sure dirty, huh, pop?

- [Yves] Don't be
such a snob, son.

- What, she was
obviously crazy, I mean--

- One never knows, do one?

Come, come with me, we'll
go through the lobby.

Come on.

[funky hip hop music]

- [Chilly D] Bad
for your health, you
know what I'm saying?

[suspenseful music]

[laughs] Yes, indeed.

- Good luck with the
show, Mr. Malmaison.

- Dad, dad, we're late

for the show already.
- First I must get glamorous.

Ah, he's a real redhead, see?

Red hair, red hair,
I never miss it.

Punctuated by freckles.

I can't resist it.
- Dad--

- Blondes can visit,
brunettes can frizz it,

but if you're sexy
and born with it,

red hair is exquisite!

- Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad!
[man screaming]

- Show me an elevator, charge!
- I'm really sorry.

- Yeah?

Yo, Mr. Eastwood,
what's happening?

This is yo homeboy, Chilly
D, calling you from NYC.

Chilly D, as in designer, baby.

Now listen, that new
double-breasted pinstripe suit

I got for you is fresh,
you gonna love it.

Hold the line,
baby, hold the line.

Yeah, yeah, Redford, listen man,

I'm sorry man, I cannot
design no clothes for you

because you just
don't have the look.

See, you kinda square.

Nah, I gotta run man.

You gonna have to postpone
the movie then, right?

- Dad, maybe it's a better idea

if I didn't come
to work with you.

- Oh, now don't talk that way.

Listen, I'll behave, you'll see.

We'll make up for all
the lost years, huh?

[speaking French]

- You know I don't speak French!

- Ah, but you are French.

Didn't they teach
you language at

that expensive piece of
shit school I sent you to?

- Yes, I learned sign language.

And I'm only half French,
Mom is American, remember?

- Do you love me?

- Yes, you know I love you.

- Even though I'm
not some macho dad

who farts and drinks beer?

Turn your head, turn your head,

drinks beer and watches
football all the time?

- Yes, even though
you're very, very weird,

you're all the dad I
got and I love you.

[elevator bell dings]

- Liz, right, lunch with
you and Michael at Sardi's?

Life at the top, baby.

Life.
[door opens]

What's up, man?

Yo, man!

- What are you doing
in my leather chair?

- Chill out man,
I'm just dusting,

that's all man.
- Dad, he's just the janitor.

- That's right, I'm your
friendly, meticulous janitor.

Good man, good luck
with the show tonight.

- Yeah, I need a drink.

[speaking in foreign language]

- No drinking, remember
your liver problem!

You want another [speaking
in foreign language]?

Sebastian, you're so big!

[speaking in foreign language]

- Don't know nothing
about no clothes!

What's up with him?

Get out of my chair,
you street thug!

- Why, Uncle Max,
didn't dad tell you?

I'm out of school early.

I'm joining the company.

- What?

- Is it all right?

- Yes, of course,
I'm just surprised.

My stupid younger brother
never tells me anything.

He's so busy with his
designing although he hasn't

come up with anything
really new in years.

[speaking in foreign language]

[ominous music]

Yves, a new partner from
overseas is waiting.

- Uncle Max, why do we
need a new major partner?

- There, there, my nephew--
- Yes!

- Business is very complicated.

- Exactly my feelings!

- What do we need--

- [Max] Not now, Yves, the show!

- My show?

- [Max] Your show
is about to start,

our new partner is
downstairs waiting!

- Well he will just have
to wait until I get my--

[shouting]
[wailing]

- [Sebastian] Are you all right?

- My favorite, it's ruined!

- [Max] You'll get
your turn, Sebastian.

[speaking in foreign
language] Let's go!

- Thank God, I'm still gorgeous.

Okay kids, showtime!

- Get out of that leather
chair, you street thug!

Yo man, life's a bitch, I'm
up here smoking tampon cigars.

Old queen like that gets
everything handed to him,

and homeboy Chilly D
has to get his shit

the old fashioned way, stealing.

[electric zapping]

- [Man] Where are they?

[soft jazz music]

- Come with me, my sweet flower.

Oh darling, you look good.

[cameras clicking]

Huh, hello, eh, you are?

- I am Narish Duriswami Paresha.

You must call me Narish.

But, of course, I know who
you are, Mr. Malmaison.

You are famous.
- Well, thank you.

- [Max] Narish Paresha,
our new partner,

of course my brother
recognizes your name.

A historic meeting.

This is my nephew,
Sebastian Malmaison.

- Pleased to meet you, sir.

- Will you do me the honor
of having a drink with me?

- A drink?

Yes, of course, I will!

[ominous music]

- [Narish] It's a traditional
drink, no alcohol.

- No alcohol? [laughs]

Sebastian, perhaps
you would like mine?

- No!

No, we'll get another for him.

To the collection.

East meets West.

[glasses clinking]

- Where are they?

- Shit, what happened to
you man, where's what?

- Hey, hey, here's one!

- One what, what's
he talking about?

- Yes, one from the new
shipment of dresses.

You have taken from other
new shipments before.

Why?
- Because man, latest shit!

Girls like to look fly, okay?

[punching]
[grunting]

- Don't do the crime--
- Yo man!

Don't mess with me man.
- If you can't do the time.

- [Man] The truth.

- Okay, okay, I got
a lot of sisters.

They're all graduating from
school at the same time

and they're gonna
go to the prom.

Okay man, look, it was
wrong for me to steal.

I'm gonna give
you my money ring.

I'll give you my gummy
bears and my big pen.

Now, leave me alone!
[punching]

- So after your father
designs these exquisite gowns,

my company on the
island of Hatiosiris

manufactures them and
we ship them here.

Several shipments
have all arrived

and our relationship to
your company has flourished.

- Dad, you're too much.

Dad, you all right, you okay?

- [Yves] Yes, listen, Sebastian,

I want you to meet
the police inspector

and his lovely wife, Anne.

- Pleased to meet
you, young man.

Wonders never cease.

- Listen up, you know,
you owe me a favor

since I let you steal
my most lovely model.

The question is security, eh?

All this thievery, you know,
I lose many dresses before--

- I'm sure that
the inspector has

much bigger problems than
a missing garment or two.

Now, my brother is
exaggerating, as usual.

- I'm not exaggerating!

- Yves is still designing
clothes no one wants to wear.

I mean, look at this!
- Calvin!

- [Calvin] Tacky gold thing!

- Calvin, what are
you doing here?

- Your brother invited me.

Someone in the family
has some class.

- You bitch!

You bitch!

What, what, what possessed
you to come to this place?

What are you doing here, huh?

- The same thing everyone
else is doing, old man.

Laughing at your collection!

[punching]
- Please man, what's up?

[smacking]

- We find it.

All of it.

- I'm on your side, man.

[men grunting]
[crowd chattering]

- [Calvin] Stop it,
you old bald barracuda!

Yves.

Yves?

- [Max] Yves is having a
heart attack, get a doctor.

Get a doctor!

- [Calvin] Yves,
are you all right?

- [Max] He'll be fine.

- [Calvin] Yves!

- [Sebastian] Dad!

[dramatic music]

[funky music]

[man screaming]

[Chilly D gasping]

[Yves gasping]
- Help me!

I'm dying!

- [Hag] Sit on it, sweetheart.

You ain't no Lazarus
and I ain't no Jesus.

- [Yves] I'm dying, you owe me!

- I'll do what I can.

I'll do what I can!

[electricity crackling]

Hocus.

[electricity whooshing]
Pocus!

[metal bangs]
[Chilly screams]

Stop him!

[Chilly screaming]

Nocus!

[electricity crackling]
[awning crashing]

[siren wailing]

I did it! [laughs]

- Calvin, monsieur,
it was not your fault.

Yves died of a heart attack.
[Calvin sobbing]

Sebastian Malmaison, look.

This is the first
$1,000 dollar bill

your father and I ever made.

He always carried it
with him for good luck.

I know he would've
wanted you to have it.

You okay, Sebastian?

- I just can't
believe he's gone.

- [Nurse] Come on, you
know what today is?

Oh, here we go.

Ooh, oh!

This is the day we take all
these old nasty bandages off.

All these ugly bandages.

Now, you been in
a coma ever since

you bounced off the canopy
and hit that sidewalk,

and you ain't been much
fun to talk to, either.

Ooh, child, we better hurry up.

Else you gonna make
me miss All My Kids.

And today is the the
day that Luke finds out

that Sarah is alive.
[gentle organ music]

- Who is that?

- Oh, the blonde guy,
there that's Luke.

- Where's Sebastian?

- Oh, he ain't in this soap.

Oh, there's Sarah.

Ooh, they gonna kiss.

[both screaming]

- What's going on here?
- Oh doctor, how'd I know

he was gonna faint when
he saw Luke kiss Sarah?

- Someone mistakenly diagnosed
this man as brain dead.

Look here, look here,
he's in perfect health.

Other than a slight concussion

he could play for any
pro football teams.

- She's black.

He's black!

I'm black.

We're all black!

I'm in a black [speaking
in foreign language]!

What have you done to me, huh?

- A joker, huh?

Look Mister--
- Uh, Chilly D.

- Chilly whatever your name is,

I don't know how you
snuck into intensive care,

but I'm on to you.

And as of now,
you're outta here.

- No, you can't do
this to me, please!

I'm being manhandled!

What did you do to my hair?

I paid a $1,000
dollars for that hair!

You ethnic son of a bitch!
[thudding]

- Whoa, what is this?

[upbeat Latin music]

This is a wonderful thing!

I've been looking for
a new look like this.

What's the matter with you?

'Cause I'm gonna tell
you something right now,

I'll trade you for this jacket.

Unique suits here, antique.

I got garbardine, sharkskin.

You're a sharkskin man, I know.

You drive a hard bargain.
- Have you got some hair?

Perhaps a wig?
- Wigs?

Wigs, I got a wig for you!

Come over here, I got
something to match anything.

There's a wig I'd
really like to show you.

I got a sharkskin suit here.

Come on in here.

[funky disco music]

Say, say, say, you forget
these in your pocket!

Come on.

I know you want those.
- Okay.

- Gonna need the maid there.

Look what I did for you!

Don't worry about it,
you'll grow into it.

Now come back anytime, any
time at all, you come back!

- Chilly?

- No, no, merci, no thank you.

- Can you handle it?

- Ooh, I'd love to!

Oh, I just love your
James Brown hair.

My name is Doris Dot.

Well, what do you want in here?

- I'm not so sure.
- Shy, huh, honey?

- Is that a Yves
Malmaison dress?

It's very nice.

Why didn't I think
of these redesigns?

- Yes, it is
delightful, isn't it?

A friend of a friend
redesigned it.

I use it in my
act, I'm a singer.

Doris Dot.

Polka dots, get it?

- Miss Dot, would you be so
kind as to buy me a drink or--

- What, buy you a drink?

You got your shit
reversed, ain't you, honey?

You cute, but you
ain't that cute.

Now, bye bye.

[exotic music]

- You're interrupting my tea.

What is it?

- He's gone, sir.

He's been dismissed
from the hospital.

- Yes, they told us our cousin

was brain dead, but
it was all a mistake.

Suddenly, after three
days I go for some tea

and he comes out of
his coma and lives.

- What?

- Oh, one more thing,

he was acting sorta
funny when he left.

[machinery rumbling]

- Yves still hadn't caught
on to where he was at.

- We're getting home,
we're gonna get a drink.

Home again, home again.

Here I am.

My God, I have got
that fool's keys!

- In the spirit, or even
in someone else's flesh,

Yves had evolved his ways.

[dramatic music]

[soft jazz music]

- [Woman] Oh my
God, who are you?

Get out of here!
- This is my house!

- [Woman] Get out!

[both screaming]

[electricity buzzing]

[thudding]

[glass shattering]
- Oh my, God!

- You gave him a
good hit, honey.

- Well Yves, I mean,
Chilly, now that he got hit,

was back to his old self again.

♪ Disrespected

♪ And when I hit, I
get disconnected ♪

♪ Trying to hit hard
[siren wailing]

[tires screeching]

- [Chilly] Yo, Brenda
what the shit--

Yo, Charlene, what's up?
- Chilly, where you been?

Man, what is with this hair?
- Huh?

Oh, shit!

- [Brenda] Hey Chilly,
where'd you get this car?

- You would not believe
it, but yours truly

has been designing clothes
for Lionel Richie in Japan.

He gave me a bonus.
- Oh, come on!

- Y'all don't believe me?
- You lie!

- Would I lie to you?
- Yeah.

- The proof is in the car.

Get in the car.
- All right.

Let's go, Charlene.

[cheering]

- [Man] We got Chilly, man!

Been waiting for a week, Chilly!

- If I had my Roscoe boy, I'd
blow your ass off right now!

Understand what I'm saying, man?

- Y'all can always
kill me later, right?

I just need a ride man, some
weird stuff's been going on.

I gotta talk to you, man.

[all chattering angrily]

I'll tell you what,
I'll tell you what, man.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna treat you all to some
burgers, man, cheeseburger.

- Cheeseburger!
- Cheeseburger, aw, man!

- Come on, man,
I'll let you drive!

[all chattering excitedly]

- Yo, that's how!
- Cheeseburger, man!

All right, let's do it!

- Ooh-wee, man, we lifestyles,
like the rich and famous!

[all shouting]

- Get some burgers, man!
[siren wailing]

Hey, my boys out
here right here.

Okay, let me get one of them big

overweight burgers
for my man, I.Q.

Some mustard, some mayonnaise,

I love the high blood
pressure burger.

- Put me down, man, yo!

- I got y'all man, don't worry!

Some onion rings, man.

I got you covered, man, chill!

Let me get some
coleslaw with that.

Yeah, one of them little
coffees over there.

Two or three coffees please.

Milk and sugar in that bad boy.

Yo, milk and sugar, man!

- Homeboy, a little static here!

- [Chilly] Homeboy, will you
pass me the ketchup, please?

[police radio chattering]

- [Man] Chilly!

[siren blaring]

Chilly!

- Yo man, do not I
get a Burger Bun hat

for any purchase over
$20 dollars, right?

Please?

Uh-huh, all right.

Hey, yo, man!

That's some cold shit!

You see how people
treat you once

you get a little status in life?

That's cold, man, my homeboys
gonna do me like that.

[thunder booming]

- [Man] Someone is approaching
the premises, perhaps.

[ominous music]

- [Man] No, we haven't.

- [Man] Yes, we have now,
jacket, hat everything.

North side, a positive ID.

[clattering]

- Oh, shit.

Someone's been
searching my place, man.

- [Man] Is it him?

[speaking foreign language]

- Look.

Aw, man.

They didn't even water my plant.

[answering machine beeps]

- [Man] Hey, who's there?

[gunshots firing]

- [Bambi] Hi, Chilly,
this is Bambi.

Bye.

- I'll call her
tomorrow, I guess.

[answering machine beeps]
[clattering]

This feels so good.

[gunshots]
Just need to search my pad.

[screaming]

[thudding]

[light clicking on]

What's the deal?

Hey, hey, yo!

[crashing]
[electricity zapping]

[rap music]

[speaking French]

Who are you, what's this?
- Hi, sexy!

Did you miss little, freaky me?

- [Chilly] No, no.

- I came to say thank
you for the dress.

It was beautiful, but I
thought it would only...

Get in the way.

- [Chilly] No, wait!

- But I didn't think it
would fit in tonight.

- [Chilly] Oh, no!
[whip cracking]

You don't understand, I'm not
who you think I am, really.

[screaming]

No! [screaming]

It's hot!

Oh, no, please, no,
no, no, let me go!

You're making a
terrible mistake.

Please, I'll give
you lots of money.

I'm a very rich designer.

I'm not into this.

- You ain't going
nowhere, but up and down.

- Oh, no. [screaming]

Please, it's a mistake.

I'm Yves Malmaison,
the designer.

No, you don't understand.

Oh, no, no, please!

I'm a vegetarian.

[screaming]

- Mr. Sebastian, I bet
you're nervous about

your meeting with Mr.
Narish Paresha, aren't you?

- You know, whenever
I'm nervous,

I hit the bullseye every time.

Damn, where is my uncle Max?

He's supposed to be in
this meeting with me.

Did you call him on the yacht?

- Five times, just like you
asked me, Mr. Sebastian.

[phone rings]
Ooh!

Good morning, Yves Malmaison.

Rosa?

No, Rosa was dismissed last week

along with all the
other office personnel.

I'm Sue, the
temporary secretary.

Although, you
know, if I do good,

they just may keep
me on permanent.

What?

Now, that's not funny,
that's just plain sick.

Some sick man claiming to
be your father, I swear.

[phone buzzes]

This is Mr. Narish Paresha.

He would like to see you
in his office right away.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Yves Malmaison, how may I--

It's you again.

You're just an old
sicko, you know that?

- It's...

- Hey, where are you going?

- Hello, there.

- Yo, delivery for 1409.

- Pick up for 1204.

- All right.

- Pick up for 1809, yo!

- Yeah.

- Right on!

[sucking]

- I've been going
over the books.

It seems we're not doing
as well as we should.

So there will have to be
personnel streamlining.

You have one week
to find another job.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I wish to be home
for 12 o'clock tea.

- No, no, no, no, no, no,
you can't go in there!

- [speaks French] Really,
just leave me alone, my God.

- Help!

Help!

This is that crazy I
was telling you about.

- All right, enough, enough!

Who the hell are you?

- Sebastian, it's
me, your father!

Who the hell is this
southern fried idiot?

- Hey!
- Where is Rosa, huh?

What's going on here?

Who's in my office,
what's going on here?

- Sue, Sue, call security.
- Good idea.

- Oh, call security, why
not, call security, okay?

I'll tell them
about when you were

just 16 and you stole my Jaguar.

About how you beats off
in the men's room, eh?

[Sue gasps]
Call security!

- Sue, wait outside.

Who you are, who
put you up to this?

I want answers now!
- You want answers?

So do I, okay, we're
gonna get some answers.

We're going to the doctor, Sebe,

to figure this whole thing out.

- Sebe, only my
father calls me Sebe!

- Now let's get this
straight, you're not dead.

- No?

- [Doctor] Well so there
was no murder, right?

- I don't know, no, yes!

Oh, Lord! [speaks French]

- I can't help you.

- You're never gonna find
Chilly D's apartment.

- Light in the loafers doesn't
mean light in the head.

- In a couple days the board is

gonna vote and sell
the company to Narish.

- No, no, no, listen,
you don't understand.

- There's nothing
you can do about it!

- Yves Malmaison does not take

this shit from anybody, no way!

- [Sebastian] Dad,
Dad, Dad, let's just

leave well enough alone.
- I need a drink, Sebastian.

Please!

- [Sebastian] No,
no, you don't know

what kind of diseases
you're gonna catch!

- I have a new
liver, watch this.

Excuse me, my soul
sister black person.

You could perhaps spare a little

sip of this alcohol
for me please?

[tires screeching]

Huh, huh?

Hello, huh, you see
how nice they are?

You just have to know
how to deal with people.

That's all it is--
[motorcycle revving]

[dramatic music]

- [Sebastian] Look
Dad, that's Chilly D.

- She's gonna kill me!

Help me, Sebastian!

She deaf.

Sebe, please!

- [Sebastian] Do you
know sign language?

- Hurry up!

- She does, she hasn't for
awhile, but she does, yeah.

- Does she know where
he lives, ask her.

- I'm Sebe.

You're Roxy, Roxy.

- Ask her if she
knows where he lives.

- Do you know where he...

Um, where he lives?

Near where you work.

Okay, all right,
all right, okay.

- [Chilly] What about me?

- There's only room for two.
[engine revving]

- Wait for me!

[Yves wailing]

[disco music]

Sebastian!

Sebastian!

Damn!

Whoo!

My feet hurt.

Everything's going wrong.

Where's that little
threat to society anyway?

I'm going to kick her
ass, where is she?

- Roxy, she went to work.

- Now you call her
Roxy, just like that.

You know, she tried
to kill your father.

You have no loyalty
to me at all?

You call her Roxy?

- You cheated on her just
like you did with Mom.

- Cheated on her?

I don't like girls.

I don't even know the
bitch, your mother was

an exception and
a mistake, okay?

- Look, I don't know
who you think you are,

but you never talk about my mom

like that, okay?
- [speaks French] Come on!

- Maybe I'll just
leave, all right?

- No, you're coming with me,

Mr. Chickenshit
son, you hear me?

You're coming with me!

[footsteps banging]

- Why couldn't I
have a normal dad,

a bum, a drunk, anything!
- Shut up, please!

Look, I tell you, someone's been

searching this place
looking for something.

His phone book, I
remember this all, huh?

He sees more women than a
Park Avenue gynecologist.

Annette, Annabelle,
she has big boobs.

He describes them,
likes chocolate.

Green gown.

That son of a bitch!

He gave her my green
gown, look at that!

Oh man, I'm keeping
this one as evidence.

- That's a picture of Roxy.

God, is she beautiful!

- [speaks French]
You have bad taste.

Turn on the light, Sebastian,
I must have some light!

- [El Toro] Anything
you say, Chilly.

- Who said that?

- Where the hell
you been, Chilly D?

- What's with the Clairol
hair and sweetie clothes, bro?

- Being arrested in that stolen

vehicle's a very
humiliating experience.

- Yeah, it wasn't
no fun, neither.

We had to spend the
whole night in jail.

- We forfeited two
concerts because of you.

You approximately
owe us $741 dollars.

- And today's the big
bebop rap contest!

Hurry up, man, I'll shoot
your little chicken--

[Yves screams]
- Wait a minute!

What about his girlfriend?

- I'm sure you appreciate
good rap music, don't you?

- Well, I suppose--
- Well, that's good,

'cause you coming with us, bro.

Just shut up!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

- [El Toro] Come on, man!

- [I.Q.÷} Get your
wimpy ass in here!

- Take that shit off your head

and put your costume on now!
- Okay!

- Ahora, come on, we late, man!

- [Chilly] Beautiful
fringe design.

- [El Toro] No
shit, you did that!

- [Chilly] I did?

- [I.Q.] The only reason
we let you in our group

is 'cause you design
good rags, man!

- [Chilly] This, what is this?

- [El Toro] Put
your shit on now!

[crowd shouting]

- Dad, Dad, Dad, we
are in real trouble.

You're not a rapper!

- Hold my hat for me.

Sebastian, you must
learn to relax.

You don't understand
something about me.

I have a lot of exposure.

I have a lot of colored friends.

I knew Ali, I knew the
Jacksons, I knew Elvis.

- Elvis was white,
Elvis was white!

- But Elvis had very
dark hair, okay?

Sebastian, relax, look
at these black kids,

they're so wonderful,
I must participate.

It's just having the right look.

You gotta sometimes
grab life by the balls.

- So, what'd you think
of that last act?

[loud booing]

- By the balls,
by the balls, Dad.

- All right, we got
some bloodthirsty

babies in the house tonight.

Hopefully our next
contestants will win

your favor and meet
with your approval.

Put your hands together
please for The Funky Four.

[cheering]

[hip hop music]

♪ Say ho

♪ One two, one two

♪ Party people, we're
the place to be ♪

♪ We gonna rock

♪ At two

♪ El Toro, too

♪ We're The Funky Four,
count 'em, two plus two ♪

[beat boxing]

[loud cheering and whistling]

- Come on, work it!

♪ Well my name is El
Toro and I'm always fly ♪

♪ I'm the leader of the team,
I'm goin' tell you why ♪

♪ But next on the mic
is my name Chilly D ♪

♪ Come on out, homeboy,
and rap with me ♪

♪ Come on out, homeboy,
and rap with me ♪

[crowd booing]

♪ Come on out, homeboy
and rap with me ♪

- Grab life by the balls!

[audience clapping]

- [Chilly] A lot of people here.

- Chilly, rap, rap,
rap that, Chilly.

Chilly, rap.

Yo, I said to rap,
bro, come on, man.

- Oh, he's a real redhead!

♪ Red hair, red hair,
I cannot resist ♪

♪ What you waiting
for, freckles ♪

♪ I can't resist it

♪ Blondes can visit,
brunettes can frizz it ♪

♪ If you're sexy
and born with it ♪

♪ Red hair [smooching]
is always exquisite ♪

- [El Toro] I'm
gonna get you, man!

I'll kill you, Chilly!

- Dad!

[all shouting]

- Oh, you know you like
it, you know you like it!

[crowd booing]

[sirens wailing]

This is so exciting.

It's so exhilarating,
I mean, think about it!

We're all young,
sexy, repressed men.

- [Sebastian] Dad!

- [Chilly] Stuck in the
same jail cell together.

- [Guard] Shut the hell up!

What do you think this is, huh?

Go back to sleep!

- I mean, it's so
typical, so 60 Minutes.

We should do
something political.

We should be revolting.

- [Thug] Revolting, man.

[Yves screams]

- You wait till we
get out of here!

You in big trouble!

- Thank you.

I love a man in
uniform. [laughs]

You know, I've read Karl
Marx and I understand

your hostility to me,
to society in general.

I only wish you could come visit

us in Paris, eh Sebastian, huh?

I mean, there we French
are so democratic.

We treat everyone like
shit, all of them equally.

[chuckles]

You know, Sebe,
I've been thinking.

Maybe this whole thing about me

becoming a black man,
there's a reason for it

because now I know what it is to

be a working class,
a real blue collar.

I mean, I've
discovered my roots.

- One night in jail and
you've discovered your roots?

- You cynical piece
of upper-class shit!

How can I expect
you to understand?

You're always making fun of me!

No! [speaks French]

I mean, look at their
faces, look at them.

I mean, they have such
brotherhood, such humility.

- You better shut the fuck
up before I piss in your ear!

- Yeah, boy!
- Such honesty.

[vomiting]

Oh God, I'm dying here!

[sobbing]

I can't take it!

- What happened to Karl Marx?

What happened to
discovering your roots?

I called the Commissioner,
he should be getting us out.

[bars rumbling]

- I am rich, white famous
member of the ruling class,

and I'm offering a
thousand dollars to any one

of you prison people who
can get me out of here.

Okay?

A thousand dollars!

- Yeah, well, I'm El Toro
Rivera from the projects, man!

And I don't care how many faggot
personalities you got, man.

Your ass is mine!
- Oh, shut up, Brillo head.

[uproarious yelling]

- Quiet down, quiet down,
I just got word that I'm

to let you two troublemakers
out of here right now.

And as for the rest of you,

well you can go in
about an hour or so.

[thugs all yelling]

- Yo, yo, you mine, Chilly!

I'm gonna kick your ass, Chilly!

[soft jazz music]

♪ Won't you help me

♪ Find that melody

♪ It was something about
the moon and June ♪

♪ You remember clouds

♪ Has it been that long

♪ That same old raggedy song

♪ Oh, that same
old raggedy song ♪

- Ooh, no wonder your mother
never invited me over here.

She'd have probably thrown
me right off this balcony.

- I'm gonna get
my own place once

mom gets back from The Riviera.

Hey!

You look almost straight
when you dress in my clothes.

- Well you know, this kid
has a cute little black ass.

So, was the police
commissioner happy

to hear I was alive, huh?

[speaks French]

- I don't think he believed me.

Listen, as a white man that
wig looks silly enough,

but as a black man, you look
like Dionne Warwick in drag.

- I think it makes me look like

Clark Gable or something, no?

- Here, then at least cover it.

[speaking French]

Listen, we gotta go,
Narish leaves his office

at exactly 11:45
for his noon tea.

- Hey, Chilly dude,
isn't that you?

I heard you were in
the hospital, man.

Must've been a bummer, huh?

- Sure, honey.

- You again?

I'm gonna call the police.

I swear I will holler rape--

- Hey, keep your
panties on baby.

'Cause you know what, no
one is interested, okay?

- Rape!
- No one.

- Rape?

- [Sebastian] Did Max call?

- This girl called
on behalf of someone

named Roxy, but
she left no number.

- You give King Kong with
titties your phone number?

Come on, baby baby,
just hold the calls.

We'll be right here in
the conference room.

- [Sue] Mr. Sebastian,
am I doing good so far?

- Yeah, yeah, great, Sue.

- Well the temporary agency said

if I did good I could stay!

- Oh, sweet, I love it.

- Dad, Dad, this
is not happy hour!

Let's just open the safe

and we can get the
hell out of here!

- Sebe, will you relax?

It's 1:30 now, towel
head does not come back

till 2 o'clock, we
have plenty of time.

I love these black movies.

Who moved my project?

Who moved my picture, huh?
- Dad.

- No, no, who moved my picture?

- Dad, come on, the safe.

- [Chilly] Okay,
give me some coffee.

Coffee, honey. [snapping]

- What am I now, your slave?

- [Chilly] Huh, what'd you say?

This is how you
treat me now, huh?

Where's my respect, this is
how you treat your father?

- Start acting like a father and

maybe I'll start
treating you like one.

- [speaking French]
That's enough of that!

Hey Sebe, that's enough of that!

[phone ringing]
- Yes?

- Mr. Narish Paresha?

Hi, this is Sue, the
temporary secretary.

You told me to let you know just

as soon as Mr. Sebastian
Malmaison showed up.

Well he just walked in, he's
in the conference room now.

[speaking foreign language]

- Open sesame, you little
piece of worthless shit!

Okay, 17.

Come on, come on, come on!

- Easy, Dad, take it
easy, you can do it.

- Gimme some coffee.

Okay.

- Here we go,
there's 17, 17, 18.

[sobbing]

[tires screeching]

- [Narish] [speaking
foreign language] Hurry!

- Okay, give me
some more coffee.

I need some more
coffee, quickly please!

Give me some coffee, come on.

Come on, come on,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got it, voila.

I got it, she's open.

- He's back!

- Who's back?

- Well, I'll be switched!

He was right there a minute ago

with this strange colored man.

[funky music]

[speaking foreign language]

[speaking French]

- It was wonderful,
it was incredible!

Oh, my God, just
like on television,

the two cops, the good looking

black one, the good
looking white one.

What's the show?
- Miami Vice.

- Miami Vice!

Give me five, give me five.

What a father and son
team we are, oh, la, la!

Give me the books, I
must see the books.

- You have 'em.

- No, no, [speaking
French] you had the books.

- Oh!
- Sebastian! [speaking French]

Give me the books.
- You took the books

when we were under the table.

- Bullshit, I never
touched the books! [sobs]

- Oh, no.
- The books!

- What a frickin' nightmare!

- We left the books!

[funky music]

[shushing]

- [Chilly] Where are
the books, can you see?

- They gotta be
somewhere, get the light.

- Okay, well this is
somewhere, all right?

Not this one.

It's gotta be here.

Okay, it's this one here.

- [Sebastian] Dad!

[grunting]

- Mr. Paresha thought you
might be back for these.

[thudding]

- No!
[electric zapping]

Yo, man, yo, what's the
deal, man, what you want?

- [Thug] Let me
show you this time.

- What's up with you?
[thudding]

[punching]

Come here, fool!

- Where did you learn that?

Dad, what's wrong?

- You gonna be next, sucka!

Yeah, come near me boy,

I'll blow your
motherfucking ass off!

[thumping hip hop music]

- [Sebastian] Dad, wait!

Wait!

♪ No, they ain't

♪ No, they ain't

[glass shatters]

♪ Identity crisis

♪ Identity crisis

- What the fuck is this shit?

♪ Identity

♪ Identity crisis

- [Sebastian] Dad, wait!

♪ Identity crisis

♪ Identity crisis

[loud rock music]
[crowd chattering]

- Hey, yo, yo Spike,
what's up, man?

Listen, I need a drink,
give me a whiskey.

- Don't bug me, I
know you don't drink.

- [Chilly] Spike, the whole
damn bottle, all right?

- [Spike] What'll it be?

- Uh, um, nothing, thank you.

- Asshole gonna sit?

Asshole gonna buy something.

- Um, Coke?

- Yo, Coke,
Coca-Cola, all right?

What the hell you doing here?

Get outta here, man.
- Look, Dad, Dad--

- Who you calling Dad,
what's wrong with you, man?

- All right, look at me, look.

Don't you remember me?

Don't you recognize me, huh?

- Yeah, you're the son of that

punk ass designer dude, right?

- Right.
- Also the sucker I'm about to

terminate if y'all
don't stop messing

with my head, you got it?

- Okay, listen,
just hear me out--

- Listen Peabody,
don't mess with me man!

- Listen to me,
I'm gonna explain

all that now, okay?

Just hear me out.

- Beep, bop, boom.

- [Sebastian] That's
just about all I know.

Do you understand?
- Yeah, I got it, man.

Let me see, I'll run
this back to you, okay.

You would appreciate
it if I would help you

save your company by
telling you what it is

you think that I stole
from you, am I right?

Is that right?
- Yes, yes.

- So this is just like
some Black to the Future.

[laughing]

Cool it, man, come on up here,

I'll tell you what, man.

Want me to talk to you?
- Yes.

- Buy me something to
wash this whiskey down.

- Alright.
- I will tell you what I know.

But I got to warn you bro,
it is not a lot, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- All right, all right.

My friends wants a...

- [Spike] Wants a what?

- Dad?

- [Spike] Coke costs cash and
so does your friend's whiskey.

- Yo!

Listen up, homeboy.

Tonight you're gonna die
in this here alleyway,

man, ain't nobody gonna do shit!

Now I warned you not to
mess with me, didn't I?

But you wouldn't listen, man!

So you got any last words before

I blow you little
yuppie ass off?

Speak to me, man!

- You won't kill me.

You're not a killer.

[laughing]

- How'd you know I
wouldn't shoot you, buddy?

- I didn't.

- Listen man, just
because I didn't

pop a cap in your ass don't mean

I won't kick your
ass, all right?

Now I've been going through
a lot of stuff lately, man.

So, please, just don't
fuck with me, man.

Why don't you just
leave, all right?

Just leave, man.
- I can't!

I can't!
- You can't leave?

- No.

- I'll tell you what,
then tonight is gonna
be yuppie night.

I'm gonna bring a yuppie with
me and the yuppie's gonna pay.

We'll take your car,
give me your keys, man.

All right, you're hanging
out with Chilly D, man!

Damn, Maserati!

Yo man, don't you
know the rules?

Stay alive, don't
drink and drive.

I am drinking, Sebe,
therefore you are driving.

[funky music]
[engine revving]

Junior, get some
style in that hair.

Come on, man.

Hey yo, junior, put some
Elvis up in that hair.

Faster, faster!

Lose the glasses, man.

- [Sebastian] I can't see.

I can't see.

- Put your glasses back
on, what's wrong with you?

You gonna love this place.

It's gonna make man
out of you, Sebe!

- [Sebastian] Sebe?

Why are you calling me Sebe?

- Hey man, I can't be
saying that long ass name

of yours all night long, right?

Now lesson number
one, ladies man.

Chicks, I got all
the moves, come here.

- No, put me down.

- Relax Sebe, club
ain't shit unless

they frisk you at the door, man.

[loud chanting]

[screaming]

- Are you ready?

My God!

All right, is everybody here?

'Cause they got a rare pleasure!

- You're gonna love it, Sebe.

I'm telling you they're
gonna make a man

out of you!
- Chilly, hey!

- Listen, Sebe, I'd
like you to meet

this lovely lady,
Miss Betty Boobs.

Betty, this is my homeboy Sebe.

He's a little shy around the
ladies, so be nice to him.

In fact, right now he's trying

to sneak a peek at your titties.

Ain't that right?

I saw you man, don't lie!

- Stop, baby, you're
embarrassing him.

- God dog, ain't that so?

Like I said, all kinds of women

in the world, some
giggle, some wiggle.

But if you're lucky man,
every once in a great while

a woman comes along that
grabs your heart bro, and--

[referee whistle blows]
- All right, you perverts!

Here's the battle you
all pay to live for.

Let's hear it for
the challenger.

[whooshing]
[yelling]

Ninja!

[crowd cheering]

Ninja!

[referee yelling and laughing]

- Baby, come on!

Honey Money!

Get that crowd off their ass!

- Boy, you're about to see
more woman than is legal to ya.

- Next we have,
she's big, she's bad.

Whoo, she's from Brooklyn
and she's so bonita!

It's our great champion queen!

- [Crowd] Roxy,
Roxy, Roxy, Roxy,

Roxy, Roxy, Roxy,
Roxy, Roxy, Roxy!

Roxy, Roxy, Roxy, Roxy, Roxy!

- Roxy, Roxy!

Roxy!

Roxy!

[crowd chanting]

Roxy, Roxy, Roxy, Roxy, Roxy!

- That's her man, that's my Rox.

Look at her, man.

Ain't she cute, man?

Go baby, go!

[crowd cheering]

You got a big Gucci
behind you, baby.

Right baby, go, yeah!

That's my Roxy, man, listen
you won't believe this.

- [Sebastian]
Chilly we have to--

- Shut up, listen, Roxy
is still a virgin, man.

She won't give no man no play.

I've known her for six months

and all I got was a little kiss.

- [Sebastian] Chilly, I
gotta tell you something.

- She says I screw
around too much,

she might leave me,
but what can I do man?

My resistance to women
is real low, bro.

Can't you see I'm in love?

- [Sebastian] Chilly--

- Go, Roxy, baby!
- We need to talk!

- Whoo!

Yeah!

Work them thunder thighs!

- Listen to me, listen to me.

- Yeah, Roxy!

Do a Bruce Lee on them
ninja bitches, go baby!

[laughs]

[wrestlers squealing]

- Three, two, one!
[crowd cheering]

Your winner, the champion Roxy!

[crowd chanting Roxy]

And now Roxy gets to pick
which lovely girl gets to--

- Okay, watch this
man, this is the

part I love, this
is the part I love.

Go ahead, Roxy, it's
always me, watch this, man.

Me, me Roxy, you
know it's always me!

Go ahead, Roxy, right here.

Aw, it's me.

Watch this, y'all.

Yo, Rox.

Yo Roxy, what's happening?

Yo, Rox.
[smooching]

No.

You sneaky jackass!

[crowd laughing and cheering]

[squishing]

Sebe, if I ever see yo punk
ass again, I'm gonna kill you!

You're terminated, sucker!

I'll be back!

[crowd chanting Roxy]

[funky music]

That's some cold shit, man.

That's some cold shit.

Just when I was
starting to understand

the meaningfulness
of our relationship,

Roxy up and leaves me
for Dennis the Menace.

I'm gonna kick his ass, man!

[car revving]

- Like they say, there ain't
no accounting for taste.

One man's poison can be
another man's sweetie.

- I mean my car is out of gas.

[engine revving]

Wow.

[mystical music]

Wow.

Who's the sculptor?

Who's the sculptor?

[door slams]

- Oh.

I didn't realize
Roxy had a man here.

Listen, be a doll.

Tell Rox I brought her
the blue pantsuit back.

But I'm hanging onto that
pink polka dot dress.

- Who should I say was here?

- Doris Dot.

- What?

- All right, yo, let's
give up that applause!

[crowd cheering]

Wow, whoo!

Baby, baby, I'm
dominating Domino.

You like me, you like me.

All right ladies,
hey, I'm stepping off

the stage, hold
onto your boyfriend.

[funky music]

[grunting]

Chilly D, why the hell
ain't you called me?

- Domino, Domino, I
had a quarter out,

I was just thinking to
myself, I better call Domino.

I had my quarter out,
puttin' it in the machine.

- And why you all dirty?

- Well see, I got in this fight
with these four big dudes,

but being the man that
I am, it was nothing

that I couldn't
handle, you know?

- You know, actually, I
kinda like this renegade,

muddy fashion statement
that you're making.

But, you know,
sweetheart, there've been

some weird dudes
looking for you.

But important business,

you gonna be at my
house at 10 o'clock.

- Yeah.
- Say it.

- I'm gonna be at your
house at 10 o'clock.

- That's right, you
ain't gonna be late.

- No, no!
- Tell me that you love me.

- I love you.
- Say, I love you, Domino.

- I love you, Domino.

- Okay, here comes your
fat friend, all right?

- I mean it, Domino, I
really do, I love you.

- Okay, gimme a kiss.

Not on the lips, don't
mess up my makeup!

All right.

Now say, I love you, Domino.
- I love you, Domino.

Looking good.

Bye, baby.

Fellas, what's up man?

I got so much stuff
to tell you, man.

Things have been doing down
weird, you wouldn't believe.

Oh man, I love your big butt.

What's wrong with him, man?

What's up with him, man?
- Yeah?

Why don't we take a
little walk outside

so we can have a talk in
private with you, man?

Come on, let's go.
- That's cool, brother.

Listen man, a lot of stuff's

been happening y'all
wouldn't believe.

- Oh, yeah?
- I'm telling you man!

- Talk to me!
- Let's go outside.

- Tell me somethin', bro!

- All right man, so dig,
first this weird kid

with glasses was
following me, right?

Trying to tell me that I was
his father, I kid you not.

Then we go over to
the Mud Club, right,

because I figure it's time for
me to let Roxy go, you know--

- You dumped Roxy?

- Yeah man, you know, I mean,

she was hugging me,
begging me to stay.

That's why she got mud
all over my clothes.

- Yeah, speaking
about your clothes,

you dressing kinda funny
lately, ain't you, bro?

- My theory is
that designer shit

has messed with your brain.

- What do y'all
mean by that man?

- Which Chilly is
you tonight, man?

Doctor Jekyll or Mr. Drag?

- Nah, ain't but one
Chilly here, brothers,

the one that's trying to
get y'all a record deal.

Where you been, man?

- The only records you've been
gettin' us is police records.

- Hey, what seems to be
the problem with y'all?

- You the problem, Chilly!

You the problem, man!

I'm not playing with you!

- He ain't playing man, this
boy don't play! [gunshot]

I dropped my gun!
- Shit!

[gun firing]
[all yelling]

- [El Toro] Look
man, hey, Chilly!

[fabric tears]

- [Chilly] I'm
stuck on the fence.

My pants are caught!

[all shouting]

- Chilly, grab this pole!

Grab it, man, grab it!

We gotta help him man,
come on, Chilly, grab it!

[crashing]
[screaming]

[soft disco music]

♪ I'm looking for
a steady daddy ♪

♪ Who really takes his time

♪ A steady, easy-riding lover

♪ To sooth my troubled mind

♪ He don't have to
have no Model T ♪

♪ He don't need no PhD

♪ Just give me some
down home lovin' ♪

♪ Some answer to pleasure

♪ Come to mama

♪ Come to mama

[clattering]

♪ Come to mama

- [Sebastian]
[moans] Roxy, Roxy!

[knocking]

Oh wow, nothing happened.

See, I was sleeping on the
floor and she was on the bed--

- How can you be sleeping at a
time like this, you imbecile?

I just had the worst night
of my life, look at me!

- Dad, it's you!

How did you find me here?

- Of course, it's me!

I had that rapper's
phone book, you idiot!

Okay, now we're
gonna get out of here

before that girl
Godzilla gets back.

We're gonna borrow her mobile--

- Oh no, maybe we
should ask her.

I mean, we haven't
even said goodbye yet.

- You, listen, Narish
is going to buy

our company tomorrow from the
board, we lose everything!

You want that, huh?

- Well no, of course not.
[speaks French]

- Listen, you don't
have to say goodbye.

Plus, you already
have your pillow.

You don't even need a girl.

How many more we got left?

Sebastian, how many
more do we have?

- We've checked them all.

[clattering]

Dad!

Dad, help me!

Dad, Dad!

[Sebastian shouting]

[machine hissing]
- Are you okay?

My God, are you all right?

- Yeah, are you?

- You're giving me a
headache, you know?

Well, I wanna show
you something.

- [Sebastian] Oh wow, I almost
forgot about this old place.

I remember these darts.

- I bought you that
dart set when you were

eight years old and I used
to sit right over here.

You got very good at it
and I designed dresses

and that's when your mother
took you away from me.

- Why?

- Why'd she take you away?

Basically, because
she's a bitch.

- Mom said that you--

- You don't
understand, Sebastian,

I was in love with your mother.

Yes, in love with her!

She had this
incredible red hair.

[speaking French] She
was my first model.

I remember once I
designed a gown for her

with shoulder pads twice as
thick as these old pads here.

She was just like Joan Crawford.

- What did you say?

- Joan Crawford, you
know, the actress?

- No, no, before that.

- Twice as thick
as these old pads?

- Those pads aren't old, it
says here they were shipped

in from Missouri two weeks ago.

- No, that's
impossible, Sebastian.

When the gowns
come from overseas,

they already have the pads in
them, we don't need new pads.

- It just doesn't make sense.

- Well unless these replace
the ones from overseas, but...

What if the ones from overseas

have something
else that's inside?

- And Chilly D stole a
dress, before good old Narish

had the chance to
sew into the pads.

- A dress that Narish would
be willing to kill over.

Anyone that found out would be
in trouble, maybe disappear.

- Let's just call the
police commissioner

and let him take--
- No, no, it's impossible

because he already thinks
we're crazy fruits.

- Chilly D stole
hundreds of gowns

and distributed them
among the greater half

of the female population
of New York City.

How are we gonna
find the right one?

- It's easy, we just
start with the As.

Watch, see?

We go right through to the rest.

- All right, okay, let's
say that we could find

the girl with the right
gown, what are we gonna say?

Hello, excuse me,
you don't know me,

but I'm a friend of Chilly's,

please can I put my
hands in your gown?

Hello, Pauline, hi,
you don't know me,

but I'm a friend
of Chilly D's, he--

[squeaking]
He what?

He stood you up?

Well, he really
feels bad about that

and he wants to
make it up to you.

Yeah, he wants,
tonight, yes tonight.

Yes, tonight at seven, uh, 7:05.

Yeah, at 7:05.

Oh yeah, and you turn
him on, too, oh yeah!

All right, so he
especially wanted me

to tell you to wear the
blue Yves Malmaison gown.

Yes, the one that makes your
eyes, yeah, the sexy one.

Okay, all right, so
he'll see you at 7:05.

Look, you only have five
minutes between girls.

I don't see how
you're gonna do this.

- No, no, no, you
don't understand.

I understand women,
Sebastian, relax.

I look fabulous, leave me alone,

let me, I know how
to handle women.

I know what they like, relax.
- All right, okay.

No wait, Dad, you have
to remember you're
a hip black dude.

- Black dude, okay, right.
- You're hip and black.

All right?
- Shit, man.

- No, no, no, it's too
delivered, it has to be organic.

- [speaking French]
You stay here,

five minutes,
that's all you have.

- Alright, okay.
- Let me handle this, okay?

Please?

[women chattering]

[knocking]

Oh, Annette, [clears throat]
your hair is so long and black.

I mean, your eyes are
like sapphires. [laughs]

- Annette, that creepy guy
of yours is here again!

- Oh, Annette baby, your
eyes are like sapphires

and your hair is,
well, it's there.

Your breasts are...

- Let's screw. [knocking]

It's them, they come for me!

[screaming]

- Freeze, Chilly!

Freeze, you're surrounded!

- Yes, I must go.
- Do you come quietly?

- Yes, yes, I won't
cause you any problem.

I promise, I'm leaving.

I just had to see
Annette, my true love.

- Chilly!

Chilly!

- Beverly, you know, your
hair is like a porcupine.

Your skin is like...

Oh, rum.

- Freeze it right there, now!

- [screams] I told you
the cops would find me!

Oh, my God!

♪ Gonna find her

♪ Searching every which way

♪ Gonna find her

♪ Yeah, yeah

[glass shatters]

♪ Oh, yeah

- Please, Miss, Lassie's here!

The dog will see you.

Sebastian.

[dog barking]
Sebastian!

♪ Gonna find her

- Hiya!

[screaming]
[thudding]

♪ I'm like that
Northwest Mountie ♪

♪ You know I'll bring
her in someday ♪

♪ Gonna find her

♪ Gonna find her

♪ Well now, if I have
to swim a river ♪

[girls giggling]

♪ You know I will

[Yves screaming]

♪ And a if I have to
climb a mountain ♪

♪ You know I will

- 14 gowns, 12 low cuts, three--

[gunshot]

Seven pantsuits.

Well, they're not
[speaking French].

Looks like we lose
again, huh, Pop?

- So, you speak a
little French after all?

- Just a very, very little bit.

- Well, you know,
I have an idea.

I'm gonna go give it one
last college try, eh?

♪ Gonna find her

[boat horn blows]

♪ Gonna find her

- Inspector, please.

Inspector, it's me,
it's Yves Malmaison.

No, don't hang up, please,
you must believe me, please!

- Look kid, I know
you're taking it hard

with your old man kicking
the bucket and everything.

Sure, sure, sure, you do
a pretty good imitation.

Right, yeah, right, look.

Hey kid, I'm busy, all right?

[Yves sighing]

Hello?

Get me a judge that's capable

of issuing a warrant
to exhume a body.

Yeah, to dig up a body.

- How many dresses did we miss?

- [Sebastian] Three.

- And who got the three dresses?

- Well, Chilly
gave three to Roxy.

Wow, he must've
really liked her.

It says a size 16.

- Size 16, now that's big
enough for a man to wear.

Size 16. [snaps]

When you looked in her closet,

what did you see in her closet?

- Well, a yellow pantsuit
and a green dress.

I mean, I checked the shoulder
pads, but the missing dress--

[speaking French]

- Pink polka dots.

Sebastian, listen,
I want you to shave.

I want you to get on a clean
suit and go to the board.

I don't care how you do it.

Stall them from voting
until I get there, okay?

Stall them from voting.

- What the hell is going on?

- What the hell is going on?

Well behind door number one,

I'll break it down for
you, so let it be broke.

You got murder, betrayal,
shoulder pads filled with dope.

Behind door number two,
hey you, fast bag head,

chilling out in the aisle seat!

Yeah, you, with the confused
look and the size 18 feet.

If you ain't got
it, don't sweat it.

Let it on, like
me, you'll get it.

- Everything is proceeding
exactly according to plan,

and rest assured you
shall be a 50/50 partner.

In all our profits.

[engine revving]
[tires screeching]

♪ Sam Spade got
nothin', child, on me ♪

♪ Sergeant Friday,
Charlie Chan ♪

♪ And Boston Blackie

- The board is assembled.

Shall we?

Unfortunately, as you ladies
and gentlemen can see,

the profit margin here has been

declining steadily for
the past six years.

What this company
has needed more

than ever is strong, focused--

- Goodness, you're okay!

What's this I hear
about you being--

- [Narish] And beautiful
money together!

[audience clapping]

- Thank you, Mr. Narish
Paresha, a most generous offer.

And unless anyone has
anything else to add,

I'll turn it over to
our present chairman,

Mr. Maximilian Malmaison, for
what should be an easy vote.

- Excuse me, ladies
and gentlemen.

- [Spokesman] Yes,
Mr. Malmaison?

- Well, I'd like to just take

this moment to
remember my father.

♪ Gonna find her
- I'm gonna tell you a story.

Long ago, my father
had a friend,

a very, very secret friend.

So secret, in
fact, that not even

my dear Uncle Max
didn't know about.

♪ Oh, I'm searching

- A black woman, and she came
to New York to be a model.

And...

- Open the door, please!

- [Doris] No!

I am not coming until you
fire that bebop bitch!

- No please, you must come,
it's an emergency, please!

- This woman was the
mother of my half brother.

[funky music]

- Oh, no.

Where's the shoulder pads?

They're not here.

- I pulled them out.

My shoulders are
too broad as it is.

- Where did you
put them, please?

- Where I can use them.
- Give me, give me!

[screams] Give me!

- Not until you kiss me first!

- Oh, don't you try
that shit, bitch!

Oh, I got it!

Sebe, I'm coming!

- You men are all alike!

Perverts!

- I think we've all
heard just quite enough.

- [Sebastian] But it's
true, my brother can

put this company
back on its feet.

We don't have to sell out.

- Surely, you don't expect
the distinguished members

of this board to believe
such a preposterous--

- But, it's true!

- Tell us, then, where is
this imaginary brother?

- Well, [laughs] um, he's--

- [Yves] Woohoo, Sebe, woohoo!

Sebastian!

- [Sebastian] Here, yes!

- Yes, sir, hello!

- Here is my brother.

My half brother, who my father

has taught everything
he knows to.

- Yes, right, it's true.

I am really his half brother
and his father's wonderful.

He taught me everything.

He's such a strong,
virile, sexual man.

He taught me
everything he knows.

I could only hope to
fill his slippers.

You don't believe me, perhaps?

Well, ask me any question you
like, any question at all.

- Then tell us, pray, why have
the profits fallen so low?

- [Yves] Well, uh...

- [Narish] Go on.

- They have not been great,
but they haven't been this bad.

Does this take into account
the two subsidiaries

we have in France
that we rent out?

- No.

- Well, does it take into
account the long term revenue

we get back from the
Harisaro Islands?

- Well no, actually, I--

- I mean, he's
making it look like

we're looking the
shirts off our back.

We're not doing
that bad, really.

- Mr. Perasha, is this true?

- Well, essentially...

Wait a minute.

You're not his
brother, I know you.

You're the thieving janitor.

Chilly D!

[Yves screams]

- Yes, yes, actually
my father gave him

the janitorial job because
he felt sorry for him.

He wasn't stealing the dresses.

He was given the dresses, by
my father, to redesign them.

- Right, I never stole anything.

This was my father's great
company and he was showing me

how to redesign them
and cut them, you know?

It was just a little problem.

Max, Max, Max. [speaking French]

- [Spokesman] What did he say?

- He's referring to a gown that

Yves designed for
Princess Stephanie.

- [Spokesman] And
you designed that?

- Only my brother Yves
could have known that.

It was a secret.

You are an impostor!
[slapping]

[electric zapping]

- Hey, yo, man, what's
up with you, man?

Listen folks, I gotta
tell y'all something.

I know the problem here
and the reason people

ain't buying the dresses
is 'cause they old, man.

You all need a homeboy in here

who can take care of this shit.

'Cause these are some
tired dresses, man!

- We gotta go!
- I can do it!

Vote for me, I'll set you free!

- We've got to go.
- Listen to me, man.

- We have to go.
- I can deal with it, man!

- [Sebastian] Max, Max, can
I talk to you for a minute?

- Ladies and gentlemen, please.

This is Thursday.

I recommend we recess
until Friday afternoon

to consider these new
developments before we vote.

- Sebe, man, what didn't
you let me chop them suckas?

You dissing me, bro!

I'm hungry, man.

I'm hungry man,
I'm hungry, okay?

- Fine, get us hot
dogs, all right?

- Okay, man, get with it!

- Sebastian, what the
hell is going on here?

- Listen, I can't explain now,

but Narish is into
some kind of drug deal.

- What?
- The proof is in the pads,

pads he's smuggling
over in our dresses.

- I'm supposed to
meet with Narish now.

- No, no, no, you have to get
in touch with the inspector.

- Why don't you talk
to the inspector?

What am I supposed
to say to Narish?

- He's not gonna believe us.

The inspector will
listen to you, Max.

- That is true and I'm supposed

to speak to him
on the telephone.

I'm going to the opera,
but I could invite him

to my yacht at
7:30 this evening.

- Great, great, 7:30, perfect.

Listen, I'll do all the talking.

As for Narish, just act natural.

Max, you can do it.

- Sebe, man, you should've
let me talk to them suckas.

Man, I'm telling you, I know how

to straight shit
out for you, man!

- The larger picture
behind door number three

is our boys are learning
nothing comes easy.

They're battling for truth,
justice, and a piece of the pie.

Learning about
themselves in the process

and trying not to die.

- You must do something.

- Yes, you are correct.

Not to worry, the solution
has been revealed to me.

- Okay, let me know as
soon as you know anything.

- Okay.

- [Chilly] Yo man,
these long whitey coats

are the shit, jack!

- [Sebastian] Did you
have to buy four of them?

- [Chilly] That's right, man!

I gotta recut 'em down, give
'em the Chilly Willy touch.

- My credit card bill
is gonna be Chilly--

- I can't wear that
Liberace sparkle shit, bro.

How do we know Uncle
what's-his-shit

is not in on this drug deal?

- [Sebastian] Don't
you trust anybody?

- No!
- That is my uncle!

- [Chilly] Hey man, I've been in

a foster home since I was six.

- Just do whatever the
hell you want, all right?

Uncle Max?

[classical music]

Max.

Max?

Max!

Uncle Max, I'm here.

Max?

Max.

Uncle Max, I'm here.

[ominous music]

[screaming]
[laughing]

Don't you ever, ever
do that to me again!

- Okay man, relax, where's
your sense of humor?

[sniffs] Ew, this shit smell
like wild ox farts, man.

- It's a French cheese.

It's a delicacy, okay?

- So it's the
delicacy shit, okay?

So this is how you
dynasty folks live, huh?

Where's Uncle what's-his-face?

- He probably just stepped
out and he'll probably

be right back, so
don't steal anything!

- You mind if I take a piss?

Is that okay with
you, all right?

- The head's down
there to your left.

- I don't need a head,
man, I need a toilet, bro.

- Head means toilet
in boat talk.

- Don't diss me, man, I was
just testing you out, okay?

I'm educated in my
own damn way, Sebe.

[toilet flushes]

[screaming]

Yo, Sebe!

There's a dead
dude in here, man!

I ain't bullshitting, Sebe!

Get this sucker off me, man!

Yo man, this dude's dead!

- [Sebastian] Relax!

- This is bullshit, man!

Oh, shit!

- He's still alive.

Max, can you hear me?

[Max groaning]
- I'm cool, man.

Hey, what's this bra, man?

- [Sebastian] Max,
who did this to you?

- Narish.

He double-crossed me.

He poisoned your father,
but I went along with him.

- I told you man, I told you--

- Shut up!
- Okay, okay.

- [Sebastian] Max,
you're delirious, man.

You don't know what
you're saying, come on.

- Listen to me,
there's no time left.

We invited Calvin to
the collection so that

they would fight and it would
look like a heart attack.

Now, get off...

- Come on, talk to me.

Turn down the music, so we
can hear what he's saying.

Come on man, hang in there, bro.

Hang in there,
man, you can do it.

Come on, old dude, talk to me.

Hey, get off the what,
get off the what?

Talk to me, man.

- The boat.

- Hey, don't you talk,
hey, come on man!

We ain't going nowhere
till you talk to me.

- Hey, he's dead.
[ticking]

- Sebe.

Sebe, man, do you hear
that loud ticking sound?

You hear that?

The boat's, it's gonna blow!

Come on, man!

[bomb ticking]

[seagull cawing]

I don't believe this shit, man!

Somebody stole the
motherfucking pier, the pier!

We're gonna be lost just
like Gilligan's Island, man.

- [Sebastian] We gotta swim.

What?
- I can't fucking swim, okay?

I can't swim!

Sebe, can your father swim?

- Yeah, why?

- Okay, man, hit me
on the head with this.

Hit me, hit me, hit me.

- What for? [thudding]
- Harder, harder!

It's not working, man.

- Listen, we're gonna do this
the old fashioned way, okay?

All right?
- I'm trusting you, Sebe.

- [Sebastian] Now,
walk to the edge.

- I'm on the edge man,
I'm seriously on the edge.

- Okay.

Ready?

Now, jump.

- [Chilly] No!

- Jump!
- No!

- All right.

[both screaming]
[splashing]

Oh shit, the bra!

Come on, we gotta
go back and get it!

- Forget the fucking bra!

I'm gonna kick your ass
if I get back on shore.

If Jaws don't eat me.

I'm drowning, Sebe!

[loud explosion]

[funky dance music]

[telephone rings]

- Hey, it's him all right.

Am I interrupting something?

- What?

- Am I interrupting something?

- No, no, no, of course not.

- You said to call as
soon as I knew for sure.

It's definitely Yves Malmaison.

The dental records
were an exact match.

- Thanks.

Fuck a duck!

- Quack, quack.

- You know something, baby?

Narish is a slick
towel head sucker.

I bet he's got
the cops convinced

we killed Uncle
what's-his-face, right?

Then we got blown
up in the process.

If we show back up,
we're wanted for murder.

And if we don't, homeboy
gets his company, am I right?

- Everything's blown
to shit anyway.

I mean, all the plans
I had with my father.

I really wanted to help
him out with the business.

Now it's all gone.

And...

For the first time in my life,
I don't know what comes next.

- Hey, chill out, man.

I never know what comes
next, I'm not down, right?

Around my way, you
get two choices,

man, shoot hoops or steal.

I'm too short to shoot hoops.

I'm too scared to
steal anything better

than a funky gown
or dress, right?

I can't rap much, but
you know what I wanna do?

I wanna design man,
like your father does.

Except for, if I
admit that to my boys,

they'd kick my butt
thinking I'm a punk

or something, man, 'cause
they're prejudiced.

They just look at you
like that, you know?

- You know, that's the first
thing you ever said to me

that you didn't make
a joke out of it.

So anyway, what's
up for you next?

- I guess whatever
comes up next, I'll do.

I just wish we knew when that

next shipment was
coming in, man.

- What do you mean?

- Well, they wouldn't
have ordered all these

shoulder pads unless they were
expecting more dope, right?

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We can find out when the
next shipment is coming.

- No, no, no, no, Sebe, look,
they're would've changed

the ledgers because they
know we stole the books.

They would've changed
all the dates, man.

- No, they think
we're dead, remember?

- Right.

- Right.

- I got an idea, no, no, no, no.

- What, no, what, no.

- I had an idea, but it
would take too many soldiers.

Forget it.

- No problem, we
can get soldiers.

- Is this real?

[screaming]
- Okay!

- You know, you talk
a whole lot of shit!

You pushed us too far!

When's this old lying shit stop?

- Yo, hey, yo, yo, listen up!

Huh?

Here's a thousand
dollars in cash!

How does that buy your trust?

Hey, keep away.

Keep away, all right?

- Yo Sebe, where'd you
get that cash money from?

- Shut up!

All right, now listen, you
want this, you want it?

- I want it, Sebe, I need it!

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah!

- What the fuck?

- You get half now--
- Sebe, what you doing?

- Oh, man!
- And half later.

If, if you listen to my man
here and what he has to say.

- Damn it, right.

We had this all planned,
my man, yo, up high!

I told you we had it
perfect financially.

Okay fellas, now just, please.

Okay, listen up, get
around this table man.

I'm gonna run it down with
you, get this shit done quick.

All we got to do is just steal
a little teeny dope shipment.

[all shouting]

- [Sebastian] Listen to him!

- Please, just listen
to me, listen, please.

- That is crazy dangerous!

- Not really man, not really.

- Yo man, why we
got to do that, man?

- Okay, look, it's just
like a little thing,

a little bait to catch
the big criminals.

You dig what I'm saying?

- [Sebastian] And then they
can't sell the company.

- And then we lock 'em
in jail too, right?

- Yeah, and throw
away the key, right?

- It still sounds like
some dangerous shit to me!

- Now we get the
bad guys, right?

I get 'em running around
all over New York City.

I get them going to Brooklyn,

Manhattan, Staten Island, right?

I got the cops in
the right location,

once the cops are all there,

I'll call up the bad
guys and I say yo,

we got your stuff and
here's the location.

They come and the
cops arrest them.

Play it out, am I
right, am I right?

[guys groaning]
Come on!

- Yo wait, chill,
chill for a second.

Do I get to use my gun?

[boat horn blows]

[funky suspenseful music]

- [Chilly] This is the
real deal, everybody.

In place, over.

- [Inspector] Hey, Randy!

- Hey!

How you doing?

Well, you said to call as
soon as I knew for sure.

The dental records
are an exact match.

- [Inspector] Thanks for
the prompt service, okay?

- [Chilly] Yeah man, let's go!

Everybody pull out.

- [Randy] It's definitely
Yves Malmaison.

- [Girl] I see them, man.

Here they come, 10-4!

- I knew it was a
wild goose chase,

but you have to follow
any leads to a point.

[yelling and rioting]

I owed him one.

He introduced me to my wife.

Hey, speaking of that.

Cheese with alfalfa or
bologna with alfalfa?

- Well, I think I'll pass.

- My wife's originally
from California.

- Listen, speaking
of your ex-friend,

no doubt about it he's
deader than a door nail.

- His kid's taking it
pretty hard, but...

- [Sebastian] Cops won't
be there 'till one o'clock.

- [Chilly] And we're
ahead of schedule.

- I told the inspector himself.

- Keeps calling me with one
wild story after another.

Sometimes he even
pretends to be his father.

He called me up
again this morning.

He wants me to send
half the police force

to some address for some
cockamamie drug deal.

- So, what are you gonna do?

- It'll pass.

Can you just imagine?

Some old abandoned
barge and warehouse?

[funky music]

- Hey, don't I know
you from somewhere?

- No, ma'am.

- Yes, I do, too.

You that guy that was
treated at our hospital

and I'm the nurse that
undid your bandages.

Remember?

You ran off without even
calling your friends

and they was really
worried about you.

- Miss, I think you have
the wrong guy, I'm sorry.

- That poor child
ain't got no better.

[crowd chattering]

- Come on now, Roxy,
hit it right here.

- [Girl] Go Roxy!

- Ho, for the posse!

- Master, the shipment
has been stolen.

[crowd chattering]

- Hey!

- Who is this?

- Gentlemen, it seems that we're

in possession of your gowns.

[all cheering]

- They stole the whole shipment.

There was nothing we could do.

[all laughing]

- Alas, do not despair.

We will be giving you
instructions from time to time.

Please remember to keep
that limo phone line clear.

Head northwest on FDR Drive.

Please remember, we're
watching your every move.

And gentlemen, buckle
those seat belts.

[laughing]

- Wrap that educated
shit, go on, man!

- [Sebastian] Yo!

[phone rings]
[humming]

- Yes?

- You the relative of that fella

that got hit in the head
and went kind of funny?

Oh.

Well, remember you
asked me to call you

if I ever saw him again.

Well, he ain't no better.

But he's at 1422 6th Street.

- Damn, the line is busy!

- So what?

- It ain't supposed to be.

I think we should tell Chilly.

- [Nurse] Yeah,
he's in there now.

He drove a van into
this old warehouse.

- [Narish] Thank you.

- Oh, you're welcome.

I'm just glad to do a good deed.

Bye.

- [Narish] Go to the warehouse,
the barge at 6th Street.

Kill them all.

- Stop being so damned paranoid!

Look, I'm gonna go check on how

that last call went, all right?

- Well, thanks.

That was sure great.

So who did it
anyway, the butler?

[speaking foreign language]

- Did what?

- Murdered your designer friend.

- Murdered?

- Well, yeah, I
mean, I haven't had

a chance to isolate it yet.

It's some sort of
exotic chemical

that simulates a heart attack.

- Fuck a duck!

[funky music]
[gang yelling]

[tape whirring]

[guns firing]

[punching]
[electricity zapping]

[gun firing]

[all yelling]
[water spraying]

- [Rock] Yo man, the
water's coming in!

[gun firing]

[thudding]

- Why you gotta
pull a knife on me?

Let's see how tough
you are one on one.

I'm gonna do a Mike
Tyson on your ugly ass.

[punching]
[grunting]

[tape whirring]

[groaning]

[gun firing]

[funky dramatic music]

[gun firing]

[grunting]

[sirens wailing]

- [Policeman] Come on
out with your hands up!

Hands up!

The place is surrounded.

[machine banging]

- [Sebastian] Chilly!

Dad!

Chilly!

Dad!

[thudding]

[machine sputtering]

[ominous music]

[gun firing]

[sirens wailing]

[funky music]

- [Policeman] Police,
come out, hands up!

The place is surrounded!

- Chilly.

Dad, is it you?

- Hey man, we're both here.

- What?

- Yeah, it's me bro, but, I
got all your dad's memories.

- You do?

- Yeah, everything.

What happened to Narish?

- Murder.

Drug trafficking.

Embezzlement.

And dead.

- Looks like your
company's saved, man.

- Not just saved, born again.

- Right.

Sebe and me!
[laughing]

[crowd cheering]

[funky music]

- Chilly D, Sebe
Malmaison, may I help you?

It's the people from LA.

- Sebe, may I help you?

- I got my scene there.
- Yeah, yeah, wait,

hold on, hold on!
[phone rings]

Sebe, Chilly D,
Malmaison, may I help you?

Man, it's France,
you better take it.

- Yo brother, what's happening?

I mean, [speaks French].

- Wait, hold on, hold on.

They want four dozen more, man!

- Do it, do it, love it, do it.

She is fine, I mean no, not you.

Absolutely, absolutely.
- Chilly D, Malmaison.

- Red hair I always
liked redheads.

- Michael, how you doing?
[telephone ringing]

[hip hop music]

- Check out what I'm saying.

Are you tired of those
jeans that never fit?

- Or tired of them suckers
on a label legal trip?

- We're two bad brothers
that are dope and hip!

- I'm Chilly Willy!

- And I'm Sebe!

- [Both] We design
clothes for you and me!

Word, word, word!

[audience clapping]

[electricity zapping]

♪ She ain't no skeeza

♪ For four days now, I've
been tryin' to please her ♪

♪ She said you
better take me out ♪

♪ Said, where you wanna go

♪ Why don't you take me
to the picture show ♪

♪ I said, okay baby, tell
me what you wanna see ♪

♪ 'Cause you know Rambo and
X will be fine with me ♪

♪ An X-rated flick, you
must be out your mind ♪

♪ I ain't sittin' in no theater
watching naked behinds ♪

♪ Identity crisis

♪ Identity crisis

♪ The movie's packed, I blow
back to the front seats ♪

♪ Cold dash back to the
stands to get me some eats ♪

♪ The chick behind the
counter was kinda fly ♪

♪ She walk like a woman,
'cept she talk like a guy ♪

♪ And said, here's my number
and the popcorn is free ♪

♪ Thanks for the snacks,
I got my girlie with me ♪

♪ Threw on my def new shades
to blow my freak's mind ♪

♪ But the theater was so
dark I was damn near blind ♪

♪ Hop on the damn grease,
all across my feet ♪

♪ As I did a Stevie Wonder
on back to my seat ♪

♪ I kissed my
girlie on the lips ♪

♪ Sweet and strong

♪ That's when I noticed
that something was wrong ♪

♪ She had no teeth
and a baggy fanny ♪

♪ I pulled off my shades, I
was kissing someone's granny ♪

♪ I said, excuse me lady,
there's been a mistake ♪

♪ They may be droopy, sonny,
but at least they ain't fake ♪

♪ Identity crisis

♪ Identity crisis

♪ I found my date, so I was
feeling a little better ♪

♪ I slid in next to her and
started feeling on her sweater ♪

♪ What the hell you
think you're doing ♪

♪ I'm just checking for cancer

♪ She slapped me
across the mouth ♪

♪ I guess she didn't
like my answer ♪

♪ Identity crisis

♪ Identity crisis

♪ Murder

♪ That movie was about two
guys stuck in the same body ♪

♪ The suspects were as
different as night and day ♪

[crashing]
[siren blaring]

♪ One was young and black,
one was old and gay ♪

♪ The audience
was eating it up ♪

♪ That bozo playing the lead
had the girlies all hype ♪

♪ Suddenly my lady grabs my
butt, ooh, you're my type ♪

♪ Love me, squeeze me,
go ahead and tease me ♪

♪ It was about time,
thank you cupid ♪

♪ I moved in for my kill

♪ She said, not you, stupid

♪ But darling,
whatever can you mean ♪

♪ I want him, the stud
muffin on the movie screen ♪

♪ Hold it now, uh-uh, no, no

♪ Wait just a New
York City minute ♪

♪ I done laid out 50 bucks,
I expect to get some play ♪

♪ Don't you know most of the
movie's about the gang anyway ♪

♪ I got a mind like a racer,
got a bod like a god ♪

♪ If it's loving you want,
grab a hold of my rod ♪

♪ Identity crisis
[electricity zapping]

♪ Identity crisis

♪ I got it goin' on, baby doll

♪ You know I'm on fire

♪ Ain't nothing I
got coming off ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a
pathological liar ♪

♪ You wear too much gold

♪ You're not educated
[crashing]

♪ You're highly overrated

♪ Not that I got your
attention, let's talk about us ♪

♪ Sit down, shut up

♪ Stop making a fuss