I onde dager (2021) - full transcript
A dysfunctional couple head to a remote cabin to reconnect, but each has intentions to kill the other. Before they can carry out their plans, unexpected visitors arrive and they faced with a greater danger.
Can I trust you?
Of course you can trust me,
my dear Kjetil.
Because if I can, I might...
I might get out of this place
where I'm so angry,
suspicious, and desperate.
I just wish
we'd talked about all this before.
I've been so suspicious that I...
that I went through your phone.
Huh?
You're right, though.
It's not my fault.
NETFLIX PRESENTS
I saw all those text messages
you sent to Daniel.
I saw everything you said to each other.
- Kjetil...
- I saw the things that you two have done.
- How could you go through my phone?
- No, it's good.
Because now I know. I know all of it.
Now I'm fully aware that you're
just a lying, cheating whore.
- That's what you are.
- All of it?
You don't know all of it.
Okay, no? Then what else?
I'm pregnant.
- What?
- I'm pregnant.
We're having a kid?
Not us.
Daniel and I...
are pregnant.
Yeah. That's right.
I'm pregnant, and the father
is your dead brother's son.
And... cut!
Ah! Phew.
Ah! I think that was a good one.
Yeah, thanks, that's done.
Beautiful work, guys. Thanks.
- Lars?
- Yeah?
Do we need to, you know, go again, or...
No, it's good. Thanks, yeah. It's great.
Thanks. Gold.
Gold.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
That scene earlier was great.
- Think so?
- Mm-hm.
- Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.
- Yeah. It was great.
- Hey, I had a thought for the next scene...
- We're going to the cabin this weekend.
Hmm?
I mean, me and Lisa are going.
- How are things with Lisa?
- Oh, good.
It's, uh... Lisa's Lisa.
But I'm good, and she's good.
- That's what matters.
- That's really good.
Yeah.
Last time it wasn't, so...
Yeah, it's been up and down,
but we're good now.
Hmm.
- Tell her I said hi.
- Mm.
But I hope that we can talk a little
about the scene we're about to do...
Lisa said, this weekend,
she's going, um... hiking.
- Mm-hm?
- She's gonna head up to the mountains.
All alone.
So I said to her, "It's dangerous, yeah?"
Dangerous?
See you tomorrow at twelve.
- On the dot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, don't be late, okay?
- Okay.
- You got all the equipment?
- Yeah. All good.
- Okay. Perfect. Thank you.
- But... Hey.
- Are we, uh... taking the boat out?
- Huh?
While we're there?
No, we're not taking the boat out.
What the hell are you talking about?
No! No boat.
You forget why we're going there?
TØYEN "SENI-WHORE" CENTER
How are things with Lisa?
Lisa's Lisa.
- Mm-hm.
- She's good.
We're headed to the summerhouse
for a little R and R. A break.
- A break from what?
- Don't start, Dad.
When's this TV shit gonna end, huh?
You're not gonna be the next Hitchcock.
- When will you get...
- Areal job, like you had?
Look where it got you. Well done.
I drove that bus to provide for my family.
For you and your mother.
Oh, and I built that summerhouse.
Lisa's...
She's decided
to go hiking in the mountains.
Planning this whole walk
into the... the mountains,
all alone.
You know, it's dangerous.
There's snow and ice.
I've told her to be careful there.
Dangerous.
I loved that house.
A beer, a hammock.
Looking out on the lake.
Hear the wind in the trees. Huh?
Yeah.
- I designed it myself, did you know?
- Really?
Yeah. The architect
wanted to turn the cabin around, right?
I said to him, "It's much nicer
to see the sun come up,
- that..."
- Than to see it go down?
- Yeah, because it gives you hope.
- Mm-hm.
You know, that's the problem
with your whole generation.
All you fuckers, nothing is ever enough.
What good a war would have done you.
All you sorry fuckers.
So war is good?
- Certainly made me a man.
- Uh-huh?
A man isn't something born.
Men are made.
They're something forged,
something hardened.
By pain. Great suffering.
And by blood.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck. I should have kicked
the bucket there.
I shouldn't be sitting here.
I can't die like this.
Not here. Not like this.
- Oh, hey!
- Hey, Lars.
- Doing good?
- Yeah.
That's good.
- Happy hunting!
- Huh?
Hey! Ready for the cabin?
Yeah.
You park so damn close to this fence.
IN BAD TIMES
♪ Någen lige å ligga I teten ♪
♪ Andre lige sannheten ♪
♪ Någen lige bare leken ♪
♪ De lar andre ta støyten ♪
♪ De har fått det som de ville ♪
♪ For det har skjedd I det stille ♪
♪ Men etter solskinn kommer regnvær ♪
♪ O store dessverre ♪
♪ O dessverre ♪
♪ Når regnet blir hardt ♪
♪ Då ser me så klart ♪
♪ Når regnet blir hardt ♪
♪ Settes hardt I mot hardt ♪
♪ For når regnet blir hardt ♪
♪ Så kommer harmen ♪
♪ Så kommer varmen ♪
What are you doing? Huh?
- Oh, hm.
- Oh, it was on sale.
- I wasn't worried.
- Oh, I know you weren't.
No, I wasn't.
No, I know we can't afford to buy
nice wine. That's why I don't do it, okay?
Can we just forget about all of this
and just relax, okay?
- Okay.
- Mm-hm. Thanks.
Is that the new play
- you're auditioning for?
- Mm-hm.
- Any good?
- It's okay.
Ah, you'll get the role.
I'm not so sure..
The director is supposed to be a...
pretentious bastard.
- That's the whole point of our job.
- Mm-hm.
But this guy's a theater director.
- What are you saying?
- Nothing, nothing.
Because I direct TV, right?
When you direct TV.
I am directing TV, though.
- And I got home early.
- A soap opera, right?
Oh, yeah?
And when was your last job, then, Meryl?
"Side effects can include
drowsiness, dizziness, diarrhea
- and thoughts of suicide."
- Don't talk like the crap you do's better.
That crap I do
pays our credit card bills, in fact.
- I am so tired of arguing with you!
- So then don't!
When we get there,
I'm gonna lie in the hammock
- and not move for the whole weekend.
- That's great.
Learn this part, and drink some wine...
Only reason I will ever move is
to go to the fridge.
Or to go watch some TV.
I wasn't trying to say
he's better than you, he's not.
He's just different. You're...
You're an amazing director.
Uh-huh. We both know that's some bullshit.
What the fuck?
What is it?
Doesn't fucking work.
Honey, I'm home!
Home, sweet home.
♪ Jeg vil fortelle hva som hendte
På et sted, helt innerst I en fjord ♪
♪ Der bodde tusen frelste
Pluss en tenåring, og hennes unge mor ♪
♪ Vel, da skolen var slutt en sommerdag
Kom datteren løpende som gal ♪
♪ Og hun sa, "Mamma, her er brev til deg
Fra tilsynet for høg moral" ♪
♪ Oh, I brevet sto "Fru Johnsen
De fostrer dårlig dotter Dykkar sjølv" ♪
♪ "De har altfor korte skjørt
Og det seiast at de stundom drikker øl" ♪
♪ "De må kome på eit møte
Det er no ikveld, I Bedehusets sal ♪
♪ "Vi må ta dotter Dykkar frå Dykk
Helsing Tilsynet for høg moral" ♪
♪ Klokken syv den samme kvelden
Startet møtet ♪
♪ Og med ett så smalt en dør ♪
BASIL
♪ Og like inn I salen kom Fru Johnsen
Kledd I miniskjørt som aldri før ♪
♪ Først da hun nådde prekestolen
Snudde hun, og så ut på den fulle sal ♪
♪ Og sa, "Jeg har litt å si til Dere
Voktere av stedets moral" ♪
Have you seen my wool sweater?
Which one?
The one I'm always wearing when I'm here.
The one I like, with the stripes,
you know, that I wear when I'm here.
It's not in the closet?
I looked there, obviously.
No, haven't seen it.
Hey, you can't...
It's important that they're not too thick.
That they're not that thick.
Make them thinner, okay?
Okay.
Hey, don't, don't. Don't turn it down now!
But it's way too hot. Look at that.
You'll burn them.
No. The butter's supposed to be like that.
Crackling.
- Oh, come on, can't you just...
- Hey!
- Put them in the pan?
- Aah!
Okay.
What do you think?
It's good.
I got Arvid to cut them for me.
They don't have New York strip
at the store, so I had to draw it for him.
- You drew the steak for him?
- Mm-hm.
What's up?
I think it's... fascinating
how much time you can spend on...
On us having a nice meal
and a nice night?
Of course. I'll do that.
When's your audition, huh?
On Tuesday.
If you're ready? All good?
There's a lot I've got to memorize, but...
- Well, what a great place to do it.
- Mm-hm.
That, um... other thing?
- What other thing?
- That, uh... that, um...
That thing, um... that
thing you're writing.
You and that guy from your acting class.
- What's his name?
- Diego.
- What's his name? Diego?
- Mm-hm.
Mmm.
So, how's that?
It's going well. I think it'll work.
Great.
Is it rough?
Is it hard?
Mm-hm.
It's good to write your own material.
Smart.
Okay.
That's one, two, three...
four, five, six, seven...
eight, and nine.
Gurka. Cucumber. Triple score, bitch.
- 54 points.
- Like fuck it is.
- What?
- You can't use a Swedish word.
It's "agurk" in Norwegian.
A-G-U-R-K.
- How come Swedish isn't allowed now?
- It's the Norwegian edition of the game.
If Swedish was allowed,
it'd be a Swedish box and rules.
- Well, I'm doing it. They're my points.
- Then you lose.
- Are you serious?
- Of course I'm serious.
- Okay. I'm over it.
- Well, then it's "agurk".
12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18...
18 points. "Agurk".
You tired?
You get tired when you lose, huh?
Go upstairs, I'll clean up.
Good night.
Are we going to continue playing tomorrow,
or do you give up?
You're really far behind, you know.
We'll play tomorrow.
Night, then.
Come on, now. Come on.
Come on.
Lars?
- Yeah?
- Can you come over here?
I can come, yeah. I'm coming.
What's wrong?
I need some help in here.
What were you doing with this?
- The hammer?
- Mm-hm.
I was... gonna fix the roof.
Those roof things. You know?
Roof things?
- Mm-hm.
- Ah!
The shingles?
- Yeah. The shingles.
- Uh-huh. Uh, yeah, yeah.
And this one?
- What are you doing?
- What were they for, huh?
What about the rocks in the boat?
What were they for?
I saw what you were doing
by the edge of the forest.
What are you talking about?
Why'd you zap me with a Taser?
Ah, fuck.
Lisa, stop it. Come on! Hey!
Stop it.
If I was to guess, I'd say
you were going to take the hammer,
hit me on the head, tie me up,
take me out in the boat
and sink me in the lake with those rocks.
Warmer?
The thing that I...
don't understand is, um...
what was the saw for?
Hmm?
Bodies float.
So I was going to cut you into pieces.
What?
No! What? Lars!
You were gonna...
you were gonna dissect me?
Mm-hm.
You? You can't even hold a raw steak.
But, I mean, what...
What were you thinking?
What were you going to tell people?
That Lisa just went for a walk,
that she never came home?
No... No!
Are you kidding me? That was your plan?
Oh!
Oh! You're so fucking stupid.
Oh!
But hey... What I really...
really, really want to know, is what for.
What kind of idiotic motive do you have
to murder me?
Let's start off with you being
a lying bitch and a two-timing whore.
Hmm.
- When'd you realize?
- When I got home one evening.
You were rehearsing
with that classmate of yours.
And I saw it wasn't lines
he was feeding you.
So you were going to beat me to death
with a hammer and cut me up
because of Diego?
Because I'm screwing someone else?
Okay, but take a second and think.
Think hard. I know it's difficult for you,
there's not much going on up there,
but try.
When's the last time we fucked? Hm?
Hm?
When's the last time you satisfied me,
Mr. "Two humps and I'm going to sleep"?
Fucking whore.
I can't say that I'm surprised.
An idiotic motive,
an idiotic plan, an idiotic man.
My plan, however...
Phew.
It's on a whole other level.
What was your plan, then?
Not was.
Is.
Hunting?
ONE DAY EARLIER
- Yeah.
- You?
You know I hate guns.
But he was like, "Come on, Lisa.
It's something we can do as a couple."
- But you can't even shoot, right?
- No, but Lars can.
- So it can't be too tricky, huh?
- Excuse me, Ms. Lisa?
I'm done with the leaves,
so I'm heading out.
Oh, thanks, Victor.
I'll send you the money.
Thank you so much.
- See you later.
- See you soon.
Really soon.
He does some odd jobs for us,
of the easier sort.
I can't get over your hair. It's...
- Yeah.
- You went blonde.
Yeah, it was for a role.
- An audition.
- So, did you book it?
No.
No.
Your time will come.
You only need one good role.
That's what Lars says.
Yeah.
That's what he says.
- Happy hunting.
- Huh?
We're hunting in the forest.
I didn't really want to come, but...
you convinced me.
I hate the thought of guns.
Everyone knows it.
So... I'm walking behind you, and I...
I stumble.
And boom...
"No!"
"No! Oh, my God!"
"What a tragic accident. So awful."
Okay.
I get it.
- What?
- No, it's just that
this is where your plan falls apart.
- How so?
- Because, Lisa...
Because you're a terrible,
awful, horrible actor.
You can't even act your way
out of a speeding ticket.
You can't even fake an orgasm, can you?
All that screaming
and godawful groaning you keep doin'?
I'm sure even Diego,
as stupid, stupid as he is,
even he knows you're just lying.
Think of five years ago.
When I said to follow your dreams
and move to Norway?
I was lying... through my teeth.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you!
You swallowed that whole fuckin' line,
didn't you? You believed me entirely!
And you know why?
It's because I am so much better
of an actor than you.
- Nah.
- Yeah, I am.
You're a fucking bitter, useless,
fourth-rate director.
Think of that movie you were gonna do.
Of course you were gonna fuck it up...
- The deal fell apart!
- So you just give up, then?
At least I had something to give up on,
Ms. "Side effects can include..."
Just stop and look at
that stupid blonde hair of yours.
Do you think
you'll get more roles with that?
What's next for you, huh? Botox?
Or silicone?
- Actually, that might be for the best...
- Hey, fuck you!
- Yeah, fuck you.
- As if you're so much better.
- I am.
- Remember that...
What's was her name?
That dumb actress. Danielle!
- Who said the director told her...
- Oh, my God!
- Are you starting this again?
- Told her to take off her top
- so he could get a look at her breasts.
- That was some "Me Too" bullshit, okay?
First of all,
she was auditioning for a stripper,
- I needed to see if she was comfortable...
- You needed to see if...
You're so creepy. Creepy and boring!
Every time I listen to your advice,
- it goes to hell.
- Hm.
You were the one who told me
to move to Norway for work.
- I was lying, you talentless fucking tit!
- Enough!
Now, we're gonna get dressed and go
for a long, long walk in the forest,
that ends up with me
blowing your head off your neck.
I'm good, thanks.
Hm.
- You're good?
- Yeah.
You cunt!
Ow!
You're so fucking pathetic.
If you don't do what I tell you,
I'll take your little hammer
and shove it up your ass.
Nothing is going into my ass today.
Absolutely nothing.
- You're sure about it?
- Oh, yeah. I'm sure about it.
What the hell took you so long?
FIVE DAYS EARLIER
Want some?
No, I'm all right.
I'm not five years old.
Why are we meeting here?
I thought it would be less suspicious,
you know?
It's like how secret agents would meet.
Okay. Two adults, alone at a carnival?
Or two secret agents
who are also pedophiles?
You're the one who needs me.
Yeah, 'cause there's one thing
I won't... can't do.
Yeah, and I don't get it. That's
the easy part, I mean, after it's over.
- It's like cleaning a reindeer.
- Good. We're playing to our strengths.
But, um... I was wondering
about my compensation.
The compensation? What do you mean?
Her policy is for a million.
You get 500,000 and we move on.
I want it in writing.
You want it In writing?
You want a contract?
A written document detailing how we're
going to murder and and dismember my wife?
That's what you want?
- Yeah.
- Ever heard of evidence?
Ever heard of "moron" before?
- I just want to be professional.
- Be there at 12.
On the dot. Oh, and thanks so much
for finding time in your schedule.
Goddamn snob.
Like I don't have a schedule. Of course...
Of course I have a schedule.
Morning.
Her face looks weird.
I think that's pretty common when someone
smashes your head in with a shovel.
Ah...
Sit down.
What?
What the fuck? Lars.
- Fuck, are you serious?
- What?
You really dragged Victor into this?
Hey. Hey, Ms. Lisa.
I mean, Victor? Stupid Victor.
- Idiot Victor...
- Hey!
- What?
- Don't call me that.
Aah.
So the thinking is...
that Victor is going to kill me.
No.
It's not like that.
Since Lars thinks it's gross,
we said that I would do the cleanup
- if he does the...
- Hello.
- My job is to cut you to pieces.
- Hey, let's just shut up.
Ah. Of course
you can't do it yourself.
You fucking chickenshit.
- Shut your mouth! Both of you, stop!
- You're a pathetic fool.
Just stop. It's my turn.
You're going to answer me, Lisa.
What the hell kind of reason can you have
to kill me?
I'm ready for it.
You mean apart from being
a pathetic waste of life?
Yeah, apart from that. Mm.
You're an irresponsible gambling addict
who buried our entire lives
under his debts.
Oh, yeah, right. Fuck it.
"Just quit your job, Lisa."
"I'll take care of you.
My salary's enough for the both of us."
- And it was!
- Yeah, yeah.
You did all right for a few years, before
people realized what a hack you are.
- Talentless fucking garbage.
- Garbage?
- Oh!
- You do realize
that we'll lose it all in two more months?
The house, and the car,
and the cabin your father built for you.
- You just keep going like it's all fine.
- What?
Expensive wines,
- and New York fucking steak.
- What do you mean, we'll lose it all?
I bought the car. I bought our house.
Oh, and I got this summerhouse
from my father.
- No, Lars. No, no.
- Oh, yeah.
You know, when you get married,
you share your belongings.
What's yours is mine, and
what's mine is yours. So it's also mine!
Oh, I get it.
You want the life insurance.
You were gonna kill me so you could...
- Be free.
- Be free?
Okay.
Get far away from here
and never look back again.
Huh. It's kind of funny.
- What?
- Uh, it's just...
- What is?
- Nothing. You shut it.
- It's also the life insurance we wanna...
- Hey.
Uh, kill you for.
Mmm.
Diego.
- Well, it didn't help your case.
- I get half.
Five hundred thousand.
- I'm buying a new RV.
- Sorry, wait a minute. How much?
- Nice two-bedroom model.
- Hey, Victor. Listen to me.
- That policy is for three million!
- Let's all just shut up!
Shut up, now. Keep it shut. Yeah.
Fuck, I can't wait
to get rid of your nagging voice.
I'll never hear it again.
Give me the hammer.
Give me the hammer.
Uh...
- Hey. Stop it.
- Let her talk.
- I wanna hear her out.
- Can't we... Okay. You'll hear it.
- But I need... Give me the hammer.
- Just let her finish.
- Stop joking.
- Move, yeah?
- Give me the hammer.
- Move!
Hey!
Careful.
Fuck you.
The insurance is worth three million.
Do you hear that? You'll get half of mine.
- A million and a half, if you shoot him.
- Shut your mouth!
- Shoot him! Come on, do it.
- Shut it!
Two million
if you blow her head off right now.
- Lars, go die in a fucking hole.
- Now! Do it!
- You're gonna die!
- You get three million, everything,
- if you shoot him!
- And now she's lying.
- Look at her shitty lying.
- You lie all the time.
- I'm so fucking tired of you!
- You're a liar!
Give me it! Now! Get off!
Let go of the fucking shotgun!
- Let go!
- I want half of it!
I said you're getting everything!
Retarded idiot!
Ow!
Oh... No, no, no...
- No, no, no...
- Oh, my fucking God!
No!
- Victor!
- How...
- Shit!
- How does it look?
- Not optimal, I'd say.
- Oh, my God...
- You shot his whole hand off.
- Can you please calm the fuck down?
- Calm down?
- Yeah, calm down!
- Do something!
- I'm trying to figure out what to do.
- But you won't shut your mouth!
- Take him to the hospital.
- Are you crazy?
- Before he bleeds to death!
- I have to run!
- He's losing blood!
- Hospital!
- Do something! You have to stop him!
Fuck.
- What the hell have you done?
- I, uh...
You said - you said to stop... stop...
Stop the bleeding.
Stop the bleeding, Lars.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Fuck it. What's another murder?
What?
No, I don't think so.
It's a two-barrel shotgun, dumbfuck.
I'll have to reload, then.
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Aah!
Fuck!
- Ow! Ow!
- Come on...
Come here!
THREE DAYS EARLIER
♪ Det er ikke min seng og ikke mitt tak ♪
♪ Så definitivt ikke min dag ♪
♪ Om to sekunder går sikkert ♪
♪ En vennlig sjel igang en sirkelsag ♪
♪ Jeg burde ikke være her ♪
♪ For hvor jeg er må gudene vite ♪
♪ Men akkurat nå hjelper guder lite ♪
♪ Jeg må bort vekk hjem - nå ♪
♪ Møkkamann nok en gang ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ At det går an ♪
♪ Hvorfor alle er så happy ♪
♪ Går over min forstand ♪
- ♪ Og dessuten er det harry... ♪
- Do you think they're still after us?
- No, they would've caught us by now.
- ♪ Å stirre I senk en slagen mann ♪
♪ Brå små flash av ting man burde glemt ♪
- ♪ Er jeg heldig... ♪
- Roy, what are you doing?
♪ Er det noe jeg har drømt... ♪
- I'm hungry. Real hungry.
- ♪ Balanserer på kanten ♪
- ♪ Snubler du trekker noen ned... ♪
- Hey! Are you stupid?
We're hungry too, but we're not stopping
to eat berries that might be poisonous.
I need food.
- ♪ Møkkamann... ♪
- I can't function hungry.
You can't function at all,
you fucking lump of meat.
- ♪ At det går an... ♪
- Come on.
- ♪ Nok en gang ♪
- Roy!
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ At det går an ♪
Oh, fuck.
♪ Det er ikke min seng og ikke mitt tak ♪
♪ Så definitivt ikke min dag ♪
♪ Om to sekunder går sikkert ♪
♪ En vennlig sjel igang en sirkelsag ♪
♪ Jeg gikk planken jeg gir blanke ♪
♪ Jeg blir neppe lyst I bann ♪
♪ Men akkurat når du føler deg trygg ♪
♪ Bryter helvete løs igjen ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ For n'te gang ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ At det går an ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ Gang på gang ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ Det er min sang ♪
We'll stay here a few days till things
are quiet, then we'll push forward.
See if we can find a vehicle.
Looking like this?
The fuck kind of clothes are these, huh?
I think they're quite nice.
Look at this sweater.
Oh, no.
Fuck.
Is that...
Are they coming in here?
Son of a bitch.
We'll get 'em. Let's crush 'em.
What if more are coming?
We can't risk it.
Come here.
Honey, I'm home!
Nice. Mmm.
Petter!
Should have taken the meatballs.
Those aren't the balls I'm looking for.
If you know what I mean.
- Mmm.
- Of course I know what you mean.
You think you're discreet,
that you're subtle?
You're horny, okay? I get it.
Now shut up, I'm trying to think.
- Petter!
- We can't use that ladder.
It's too noisy and they'll hear us.
Petter! Please.
What the fuck is it now?
- My stomach hurts.
- You have an upset stomach?
Why do you have an upset stomach,
you think?
Try to think, Roy. Why do you think
you have an upset stomach?
- Maybe... maybe it's, uh...
- Maybe it's, uh...
Maybe it's the berries.
Yeah, the berries. You think?
I need the toilet.
What do you mean, the toilet?
I've gotta shit.
What the fuck you doing?
- Roy, God! You're not taking a shit here.
- No, no.
You're not taking a shit here!
You're not dropping a deuce in this attic.
Fuck!
- You better not.
- I'm not shitting in my pants!
- No, no!
- Pull up your pants!
I must preserve my dignity.
Fuck you, Roy.
Dignity?
Oh, fuck.
[sighing[
Fuck.
Yeah... We're stuck here for a while.
Good God, what a stench.
Dave.
- Dave?
- What?
We're just like that girl and her family,
who hid in the attic.
Huh?
Who wrote that book
you read in your cell.
Anne Frank?
We're hiding up here in the attic
just like rodents, you know?
You missed the part where she sat down
and took a shit all over the floor.
Can you be quiet? Shut up, okay?
Huh?
What happened?
They're killing each other.
Oh, my God.
Sh, sh, sh! Shut the fuck up!
Oh, shut the fuck up!
What's, uh...
What's... what's happening?
You know, this is steak!
Hmm. Mm-hm.
Hey, you're that lady, right?
From that commercial?
The one for the people
whose cocks aren't working?
It's you, right?
I told you!
Shit.
A star and all.
No wonder the steak is good.
- Mmm.
- Mm.
What is it?
Tenderloin?
Hmm. It's New... New...
New York... New York strip.
Ooooh!
Who are you? Wh... what are you doing here?
I'm Petter.
That's Dave.
And the lump of meat is Roy.
You shot my anus.
According to
your driver's licenses, you're Lars.
And you're Lisa.
Of course, we should stay out
of your private affairs, but, uh...
it looks like you two hava
a little, uh... relationship problem.
And, considering that guy there,
one of you's also a killer.
It... it was him.
- He's the one who killed him.
- You told me to.
- That's not what I said.
- You shouted, "Stop him!"
- I told you to stop the blood.
- You didn't say, "Stop the bleeding."
- I'd have done it. You said, "Stop him."
- Yeah...
- I meant stop the blood. What else...
- Okay...
- What you meant... You didn't say!
- You're so fucking stupid.
- You're the dumb...
- Okay!
I don't give a fuck about all that stuff.
It's a kick, huh?
Huh?
Killin' a man in cold blood.
You feel it, right? It's a rush.
Ooooh.
Me and the boys here have broken free
from state conservatorship, so to speak.
We hiked two days through the woods
before we found your cabin.
Thought we'd settle down here.
Before you came barging in.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be stuck in that shallow
fucking attic of yours
for 24 hours,
smelling nothing but Nazi mess?
- Um...
- Okay. Come on, Petter. Enough talk.
So, our next order of business
is cash.
We have a... Well, a liquidity problem,
I guess you could say.
We've searched through
all your wallets and pockets
and the luggage upstairs.
From that, we put together a few hundred.
And we found a thousand in the pockets
of that dead guy,
so thanks for that one, Lars!
Mmm...
We have, uh...
There's 2,000 kroner in the office.
In a ceramic bowl on the desk.
Take it.
Please, just leave us alone.
Please.
Thank you, Lisa.
That's kind.
Fuck! Enough talking.
What? Oh, my God!
Like I said, we've been in prison
for a while, and...
you probably know that
men have...
natural needs.
Please. I beg you.
I'm begging you.
I'll do anything. I'm begging you.
Anything you want, but just not that.
You know, the balls get fuller and fuller
over the years.
They must be emptied.
The gonads must be drained...
before it goes to the brain,
before it curdles.
Okay?
Let's see if you're satisfied now.
Oh...
Shit.
You're an ice-cold motherfucker, Lars.
Okay.
Go on, then, Queer Dave.
- No, no!
- Come and help!
No! No, no!
No, no, no, no! Help!
No!
No! Let me go!
No!
No! No!
No!
No, please!
Ah, no! No! I...
No!
Hey. Hold on.
- Want a little tip, Lisa?
- No!
No!
Just relax.
If you fight it...
- oh, a lot more pain.
- No!
No!
No!
- No!
- Hey, hey.
- He's like a fish.
- Oh, God! Please!
Please.
Please. Please. I don't...
I haven't done anything.
Please.
I've seen a lot of men beg
in my life. Lars.
You're gonna have to do a lot better
than that if you want a chance.
I mean, don't you know who this is?
Huh?
This is Dave "Horse Dick" Eriksen.
I'll be honest, Lars.
It's gonna feel like two bodybuilders
are shoving a fire hydrant up there.
I beg you.
Really, really...
Please...
Look... look...
look...
Please. Enough.
I'm afraid.
I...
- Please.
- I think we need to help you a little.
Please, please, no.
What... what...
- No!
- What? What...
No. You...
You can take everything I have!
Don't use that on me.
Don't. No, no, no, please. Don't.
Don't do it.
- Don't...
- Come on, Lars.
If you really sell this now...
- Yeah?
- we might not let Dave loose on you.
Oh, God! Please!
- I don't want to, please! No!
- Lars.
Calm down. Lars, Lars, Lars...
- Calm down.
- Oh, God Oh!
- Fuck...
- Sh...
Focus, now. Focus.
Hey, wait a minute, Petter.
- I'm not done yet.
- Shh.
Oh!
Oh, fuck!
That was intense.
Lars.
You're not done yet, you know.
You should kiss my feet. Kiss my feet.
Come on. Kiss my feet, Lars.
Kiss...
Come, come. Come now.
Come here. Yeah, come here.
Come on.
No.
Use some tongue.
Use some tongue, Lars. Come on.
There you go. Yeah.
That's a good boy, Lars.
That's a good boy.
Now, look up at your wife.
Look at Lisa.
And tell her that you're a little shit.
Come on, Lars. Say it.
Tell her you're a little shit.
Come on, Lars. Tell her.
I'm a...
Louder, Lars.
Louder!
I'm a little shit!
- Isn't he?
- I'm...
I'm a little shit. I'm...
Yeah, this is starting to look all right.
What do you say, Dave?
Ehhh... it's a little amateurish to me.
Hmm.
- Yeah, you think so?
- Mm-hm.
All right.
Yeah. It looks like
you're gettin' fucked anyway, Lars.
- No!
- Roy!
No, I don't want to! No!
No! No!
No, no! No! No!
Oh, no! No!
Wait! Stop, stop! Stop!
Stop. Stop! Stop it.
I have...
a lot of money.
A large amount of money...
in the bank in the city that I...
that I put away.
125,000.
We can go there tomorrow,
when the bank opens.
I'll take everything out
and give it to you.
Everything I have.
But not if you do
what you were gonna do to him.
Or to me.
You follow?
What about poor Roy over here?
He was looking forward to having a...
short and stormy relationship with you.
Of course, that kind of money
does help your case.
It can keep us out of trouble.
Mm-hm.
Okay, it's a deal.
Ah, fuckin' A.
No one touches him.
All right, Lars.
Looks like your wife saved your ass.
Literally.
Hey, uh... Petter?
Mm?
How many people have you killed?
Why do you ask?
I'm just wondering how many people
you've really killed, because I've heard...
- Ow! Fuck!
- Lie still!
I just... I just heard you were
the worst bastard in there.
Ah...
And I heard that, um...
Come on, now, what'd you hear?
That you robbed that bank.
And then you killed your whole gang?
All three.
Because you didn't wanna
split the money, they said.
So that's what you heard?
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah...
The headline's correct,
but the details are bullshit, obviously.
What does that mean?
I got rid of those guys, but it, uh...
wasn't for the cash.
I'm not a greedy boy, Roy.
Then...
Why did you kill them, then?
They had no value.
Look at you, for example, right?
You're here because...
your brother knew that guy
at the security company.
In our little escape plan,
that obviously had... value.
But, uh...
Do I have value now?
Ow! Fff...
Good as new.
And now you have value again.
Lars?
Lars?
Lars, can you hear me?
How the hell did we get here?
I don't just mean here, I mean...
I was so in love with you.
When we got together...
I thought that we would always be a team.
You and me.
I thought we would do
all that stuff we talked about.
That I could...
have such a wonderful life with you.
Then it's just...
Then it's just debts and arguments and...
disappointing each other.
And everything turns awful.
And then...
Diego.
I'm so...
I'm so sorry for that.
It didn't mean anything.
Hey...
It really meant nothing.
Fuck it. Just forget it.
It doesn't matter, anyway.
We'll both be dead soon.
Can you name for me some
of Parliament's most important tasks?
Pass laws, pass the state budget
and watch over the government.
Tell us.
- Go ahead and tell us the answer.
- Pass laws. Pass the state budget.
And control the government.
You almost said it earlier.
- Yeah.
- What's the budget called
that estimates the state's income
and bills?
- The state budget.
- State budget.
Exactly right.
Damn, you're smart.
You should be a professor.
Professor?
I could have been prime minister,
if born in the right zip code.
Hello?
Next question is...
Sh.
Somebody!
Hello?
- Lars... What are you doing?
- Can someone come down?
Lars! Shut up! What are you doing?
- Can someone come down here?
- Lars! Shut up! Shut up!
Lars!
What are you doing?
Lars!
Lars!
Lars.
What the fuck are you doing?
Roy. Go on down.
Please come down! Come down now!
I need the toilet.
Piss your pants.
Um... It's, um... a number two.
The guy's gotta take a shit!
So let him take a shit.
You're not gonna do something, right?
- No.
- No.
Hey, wait.
I'm just gonna see if you have
anything you might...
surprise little Roy with.
Hm.
You know what... you know what this means?
Look!
It means I don't like folks like you.
- Okay.
- Hm.
Just give us that money.
The money is why Petter says
I can't molest you.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Mm-hm.
But I was thinking...
if you can just show
your boobies to me, then...
You know, titties...
Then I can jerk it a little.
Mm... I don't know/
I don't...
think so.
I'll talk to Petter about it.
Yeah. I'll talk to Petter about it.
Lars!
Can you untie me?
Lars!
Lars!
Lars! Lars!
Come back, dear!
Roy! How's it going down there?
Roy! What's the deal?
Fuck. He's as deaf as he is stupid.
All the way to the final...
Roy!
All right, baby! Are you...
Fuck's sake.
Roy! What the fuck's going on?
Roy!
Roy!
Roy?
What happened?
He hit me with a...
- He hit me with his sock.
- Sock?
Fuck.
Fuck!
They can't have gotten far.
Come on, then.
Okay. Roy, take the road.
- Uh.
- Dave, with me.
Damn!
Fuck...
Come on, come on!
Fuck!
A-ha!
- Bingo!
- What you got there?
Nothing.
Give it here.
Come here.
Come here.
Boat keys.
That's smart.
You would have made it too,
if my flashlight hadn't broke.
You... still need me alive.
- For the cash.
- The money doesn't matter now.
Your man hit me in the head.
So the rules say you've gotta die.
What fucking rules, huh? Huh?
Hey... Wait, wait, wait. Please, I beg you!
Do you know how many whores
I've heard tell me that?
Move away from the fridge. I don't want
to shoot it of there's still beer inside.
So, I've...
I thought some more.
About what you said in the basement.
That you wanna take off my top.
To see your tits.
Yeah.
Uh... Roy.
It was Roy, right? I mean...
I couldn't say it down there,
near the others, but...
I mean, especially not
in front of my husband, but...
I think I want you, too.
I was thinking that I might...
come with you after we go to the bank.
I could be, uh... with you.
I know we don't know
each other that well, but...
I think that the two of us could...
I think that on the road,
we could have... fun together.
I mean, a lot of fun.
If you get what I'm saying.
- I don't know if I know what...
- Oh, I think you understand.
I see it in your eyes.
I can see that you want to.
- But...
- What? But what?
- But you're a, uh...
- What am I?
What am I, Roy?
You're a Jew...
No!
Come on, stop!
Fucking...
Lisa!
Lisa!
Lisa!
No.
No, no, no, no.
Why?
Why did this have to happen?
What the hell did Roy ever do
to anyone, huh?
Lars. Lars! Come here. Here!
Come on.
Come on.
I know how we ended up like this.
It wasn't your fault.
It's my fault.
Only mine.
When you tell me that...
that I gave up, you're right.
I gave up.
And I blamed everyone else for it.
You. Work. That fucking debt.
Somehow, I became okay
with it all falling apart.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- They're coming. They're coming.
- Sh,
They're coming!
Shhh!
Shh.
Take the boat.
- What about you?
- I'll come after.
Lisa.
In the kitchen with Roy?
That was the best goddam performance
I've ever seen.
Fuck.
Oh! Fuck!
Come on, Lisa. Lisa!
Aaaah!
Oh!
Just hold that fucking whore for me.
I just tried to be nice, Lars.
Keep on good terms.
Stupid, stupid me.
What...
You live and you learn, you know, Lars.
- No! No!
- Stay still. Stay still.
And you're gonna see what happens
when you mess with Petter Larsen!
Oh!
I've killed people
many different ways, Lars.
Oh, fuck!
I've shot them, strangled them and...
No, no!
I've burnt them, I've stabbed them,
I've beaten them to a pulp...
Stop! No!
- Oh, God!
- In '92,
I cut a man's head off
with a bottle opener.
But I have never put someone's head
into a lawn mower.
So thanks for that!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Let him go! Let him go!
What in the halls of hell
are you doing out here?
SIX HOURS EARLIER
Oh, for the love of God,
what the fuck do you...
- Hello?
- Hello.
Hello, yeah. It's Hans.
Hans out by the fjord.
Hans?
I'm sorry for calling
a strapping young man like you
so late this evening.
But I was out driving my car, you see.
I was going to, uh... the pharmacy.
You know, I need my medicine,
and I wasn't sure I had any at home,
but anyway, there it was.
Uh...
Sometimes,
the pharmacy's open late these days.
So I thought I oughta get some more,
in case I was all out
of the stuff I have at home.
And so, I got some more,
but then I got home
and saw that I already had some here,
anyway, so that, you know...
- That... Well, that's all.
- Hans, Hans!
Hans, why are you calling my cellphone
in the middle
of the goddamn fuckin' night?
Well, uh, like I said...
I drove past your cabin.
Did I mention that?
Uh, and the light was on...
- It was on in the house.
- That's because my son is there.
And there were a lot of cars
parked all around the front.
On the outside.
Also, also the main door was wide open...
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Uh... Did you go check on him?
No, because you never know!
It could be a break-in or something...
- Something dangerous.
- Yeah. Uh, Hans, Hans, that's great.
Thank you for giving me this call, okay?
Good night.
Yeah. No problem at all. Good night.
Hi, this is Lars. I'm probably on set,
so leave a message,
and I'll get back to you after we...
♪ Jeg vil ha fri, shu-bi-dua, shu-bi-dua
Jeg vil ha fri ♪
- ♪ Shu-bi-dua ♪
- Fucking asshole kid.
♪ Jeg vil ha fri
Shu-bi-dua, shu-bi-dua ♪
♪ Jeg vil ha fri, shu-bi-dua, shu-bi-dua ♪
Goddamn piece of shit old man legs!
Ahmed, my dear friend.
So, I've got a little problem.
- You know my house by the lake.
- Mikkel, get back to bed.
- And you know my name is Abid.
- Listen.
They're breaking windows down there.
His phone is off.
- I've got to go to my...
- To your bed. We can talk about it later.
Take that bed and shove it up your ass!
- I don't have time for this!
- Okay. That's enough.
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Gi meg fri I kveld ♪
A goddamn homo-mobile.
♪ Oh, sitter her på trappa
Venter på a' Martha ♪
♪ Venter på a' Martha
Venter på a' Martha ♪
♪ Sitter her på trappa
Venter på a' Martha ♪
♪ Venter på a' Martha... ♪
♪ Samme gamle leksa ♪
- ♪ Hu har glømt att veska... ♪
- A goddamn spaceship shitbox.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, je blir fort fortvile'... ♪
♪ Itte lett å smile ♪
- You goddamn gas-suckin' whore.
- ♪ Nå får a' jammen komma ♪
♪ Kaster meg I Glomma, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
Hey. Fatty!
- Hey, come help me out.
- ♪ Gi meg fri I kveld ♪
Fuckin' long-haired,
Green-votin', draft-dodgin',
grass-smokin', tree-fuckin'...
♪ Whoo! ♪
What in the fuck...
Fuck!
Mikkel!
Papa?
My cabin! Fuck...
Hey! Don't come closer.
One more step, and I'll cut.
You're feelin' tough for...
a guy with no gun.
Cut that, you little fucker.
Papa!
You're gonna watch me
while I kill your son
and fuck your daughter-in-law
while you bleed.
Papa!
- Papa, no!
- Get in the car!
Oh, my nose...
What nose?
Fuck!
It's fucked.
They fucked it.
- Lisa?
- Hm?
Get down to the boat and get it ready.
What?
- Don't go back.
- There's somethin' I gotta do.
No. Mm.
I have to.
Hey. Stop whining.
Hey. Look at me. I said, look at me!
Look at me.
Go inside, and bandage that wound.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I'll take care of them.
Okay?
Uh-huh...
Fucker!
Okay. Come on.
Come on. Oh, come on.
Come on, yeah.
Damn it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Come on!
Fuck.
No more pain.
No more pain.
Okay...
Uh...
Going fishing?
[growls
No gun in a nursing home.
What do you want from me?
Why not just take the boat
and get away?
Because, you fucking Swedish cunt...
I still need that money.
You're getting it for me.
Okay, okay.
Listen, I got people who owe me money.
Big time.
Don't do it, please.
Please.
No. Oh, please. No, not my dick.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Dave "Horse Dick" Eriksen, was it?
I didn't mean it, okay?
I really wasn't gonna do it.
It was just...
It was all just a joke.
I swear.
That's a nice sweater.
Huh?
Oh.
Lars?
How are you?
How are you doing?
I'm good, Papa.
I just... just shotgunned the guy
in the balls, so...
I'm proud of you.
That's my boy.
You were right.
It is nicer to see the sun rise than...
see it set.
Adiós, Dave!
Are you really gonna
leave your partner behind like that?
There are no real friends
in my world, Lisa.
Either you have value, or you don't.
And Dave definitely has no value now.
Why are you so preoccupied wirh Dave?
He was gonna make mincemeat
out of your husband's ass.
That scene down in the basement...
Your husband laying there, begging like
a little girl and drooling on my shoes.
Where do you think he is now?
Hiding in the woods like a little shit...
Come on, you fucker!
What the hell got you thinking
you can fucking fight?
Adiós, Petter.
What the fuck?
That's the stupidest shit I've ever seen!
And now you're gonna fucking die,
you little good-for-nothin'
piece of shit rat.
Sorry, but you have no value now.
Police are an hour out.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
When we were down in that basement...
Those billiard balls, how did you...
At least we're both alive.
We're still underwater, just like before.
No money. Too much debt.
We're still fucked, Lisa.
- Huh. Yeah...
- Hmm?
How about, uh...
♪ Den skal vær mann
Som kan gå med min hatt ♪
♪ Den skal vær kald som
tar øve mi makt... ♪
THREE HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
♪ For å gå med mine sko ♪
♪ Men han må ha sin egen pistol ♪
♪ For du vett kva som står I testamentet ♪
♪ Oh, du vett kva som står I testamentet ♪
♪ At den som tar hånd om min Constanze ♪
♪ Får min hatt, får mine sko
Får mitt extravanganza
♪ Ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ Oh, ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ All right, ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ All right, ta kontroll
Ta kontroll, ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
SURVIVED TERROR ON CABIN TRIP
FIVE DEAD IN CABIN MASSACRE
ESCAPED MURDERERS
KILLED BY MARRIED COUPLE
What can you tell us?
♪ Og eg ber om å bli godt parfymert ♪
♪ Eg skal lukte godt
Når eg først skal gå ner... ♪
What do you think made it so that
the two of you survived?
I think... Well, I think that...
our love, and how strong it is
let us survive, yeah.
And now, your story is being turned
into a feature film.
♪ Ta kontroll på kontinentet... ♪
Yeah, that's right. It's gonna be a film.
BIDDING WAR FOR SCRIPT RIGHTS
STORY SOLD FOR MILLIONS
MAKING MOVIE WITH HOLLYWOOD STARS
Yeah...
We're gonna have some fun now.
Hell, yeah, we are.
Aaah! Queer Dave.
♪ Eg ser det for meg ♪
♪ Det kryper imot meg... ♪
- Take it away.
♪ Ser det for meg, ser det for meg ♪
♪ Ser det for meg... ♪
- Like hell you are.
♪ Åh, mi søster, ah, mi søster ♪
♪ Nå vett eg kven som er tyster ♪
♪ Åh, mi søster, ah, mi søster ♪
♪ Eg hørte alt du sa ved mi kiste ♪
♪ Oh, Fader Martin, oh, Fader Martin ♪
♪ Eg syns dette begynner ♪
- ♪ Å lukte bensin... ♪
- Cut!
♪ Og mi Costanze
Og min Constanze ta min hatt ♪
- ♪ Ta mine sko, ta mitt extravaganza... ♪
- All right, thanks.
- On set in five.
- ♪ Ta kontroll på kontinentet... ♪
Thank you so much, everybody.
♪ Ta kontroll på
kontinentet, all right... ♪
That was exactly what happened.
♪ All right, ta kontroll, ta kontroll
Ta knotroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ Whoa-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
Of course you can trust me,
my dear Kjetil.
Because if I can, I might...
I might get out of this place
where I'm so angry,
suspicious, and desperate.
I just wish
we'd talked about all this before.
I've been so suspicious that I...
that I went through your phone.
Huh?
You're right, though.
It's not my fault.
NETFLIX PRESENTS
I saw all those text messages
you sent to Daniel.
I saw everything you said to each other.
- Kjetil...
- I saw the things that you two have done.
- How could you go through my phone?
- No, it's good.
Because now I know. I know all of it.
Now I'm fully aware that you're
just a lying, cheating whore.
- That's what you are.
- All of it?
You don't know all of it.
Okay, no? Then what else?
I'm pregnant.
- What?
- I'm pregnant.
We're having a kid?
Not us.
Daniel and I...
are pregnant.
Yeah. That's right.
I'm pregnant, and the father
is your dead brother's son.
And... cut!
Ah! Phew.
Ah! I think that was a good one.
Yeah, thanks, that's done.
Beautiful work, guys. Thanks.
- Lars?
- Yeah?
Do we need to, you know, go again, or...
No, it's good. Thanks, yeah. It's great.
Thanks. Gold.
Gold.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
That scene earlier was great.
- Think so?
- Mm-hm.
- Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.
- Yeah. It was great.
- Hey, I had a thought for the next scene...
- We're going to the cabin this weekend.
Hmm?
I mean, me and Lisa are going.
- How are things with Lisa?
- Oh, good.
It's, uh... Lisa's Lisa.
But I'm good, and she's good.
- That's what matters.
- That's really good.
Yeah.
Last time it wasn't, so...
Yeah, it's been up and down,
but we're good now.
Hmm.
- Tell her I said hi.
- Mm.
But I hope that we can talk a little
about the scene we're about to do...
Lisa said, this weekend,
she's going, um... hiking.
- Mm-hm?
- She's gonna head up to the mountains.
All alone.
So I said to her, "It's dangerous, yeah?"
Dangerous?
See you tomorrow at twelve.
- On the dot.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, don't be late, okay?
- Okay.
- You got all the equipment?
- Yeah. All good.
- Okay. Perfect. Thank you.
- But... Hey.
- Are we, uh... taking the boat out?
- Huh?
While we're there?
No, we're not taking the boat out.
What the hell are you talking about?
No! No boat.
You forget why we're going there?
TØYEN "SENI-WHORE" CENTER
How are things with Lisa?
Lisa's Lisa.
- Mm-hm.
- She's good.
We're headed to the summerhouse
for a little R and R. A break.
- A break from what?
- Don't start, Dad.
When's this TV shit gonna end, huh?
You're not gonna be the next Hitchcock.
- When will you get...
- Areal job, like you had?
Look where it got you. Well done.
I drove that bus to provide for my family.
For you and your mother.
Oh, and I built that summerhouse.
Lisa's...
She's decided
to go hiking in the mountains.
Planning this whole walk
into the... the mountains,
all alone.
You know, it's dangerous.
There's snow and ice.
I've told her to be careful there.
Dangerous.
I loved that house.
A beer, a hammock.
Looking out on the lake.
Hear the wind in the trees. Huh?
Yeah.
- I designed it myself, did you know?
- Really?
Yeah. The architect
wanted to turn the cabin around, right?
I said to him, "It's much nicer
to see the sun come up,
- that..."
- Than to see it go down?
- Yeah, because it gives you hope.
- Mm-hm.
You know, that's the problem
with your whole generation.
All you fuckers, nothing is ever enough.
What good a war would have done you.
All you sorry fuckers.
So war is good?
- Certainly made me a man.
- Uh-huh?
A man isn't something born.
Men are made.
They're something forged,
something hardened.
By pain. Great suffering.
And by blood.
Jesus Christ.
Fuck. I should have kicked
the bucket there.
I shouldn't be sitting here.
I can't die like this.
Not here. Not like this.
- Oh, hey!
- Hey, Lars.
- Doing good?
- Yeah.
That's good.
- Happy hunting!
- Huh?
Hey! Ready for the cabin?
Yeah.
You park so damn close to this fence.
IN BAD TIMES
♪ Någen lige å ligga I teten ♪
♪ Andre lige sannheten ♪
♪ Någen lige bare leken ♪
♪ De lar andre ta støyten ♪
♪ De har fått det som de ville ♪
♪ For det har skjedd I det stille ♪
♪ Men etter solskinn kommer regnvær ♪
♪ O store dessverre ♪
♪ O dessverre ♪
♪ Når regnet blir hardt ♪
♪ Då ser me så klart ♪
♪ Når regnet blir hardt ♪
♪ Settes hardt I mot hardt ♪
♪ For når regnet blir hardt ♪
♪ Så kommer harmen ♪
♪ Så kommer varmen ♪
What are you doing? Huh?
- Oh, hm.
- Oh, it was on sale.
- I wasn't worried.
- Oh, I know you weren't.
No, I wasn't.
No, I know we can't afford to buy
nice wine. That's why I don't do it, okay?
Can we just forget about all of this
and just relax, okay?
- Okay.
- Mm-hm. Thanks.
Is that the new play
- you're auditioning for?
- Mm-hm.
- Any good?
- It's okay.
Ah, you'll get the role.
I'm not so sure..
The director is supposed to be a...
pretentious bastard.
- That's the whole point of our job.
- Mm-hm.
But this guy's a theater director.
- What are you saying?
- Nothing, nothing.
Because I direct TV, right?
When you direct TV.
I am directing TV, though.
- And I got home early.
- A soap opera, right?
Oh, yeah?
And when was your last job, then, Meryl?
"Side effects can include
drowsiness, dizziness, diarrhea
- and thoughts of suicide."
- Don't talk like the crap you do's better.
That crap I do
pays our credit card bills, in fact.
- I am so tired of arguing with you!
- So then don't!
When we get there,
I'm gonna lie in the hammock
- and not move for the whole weekend.
- That's great.
Learn this part, and drink some wine...
Only reason I will ever move is
to go to the fridge.
Or to go watch some TV.
I wasn't trying to say
he's better than you, he's not.
He's just different. You're...
You're an amazing director.
Uh-huh. We both know that's some bullshit.
What the fuck?
What is it?
Doesn't fucking work.
Honey, I'm home!
Home, sweet home.
♪ Jeg vil fortelle hva som hendte
På et sted, helt innerst I en fjord ♪
♪ Der bodde tusen frelste
Pluss en tenåring, og hennes unge mor ♪
♪ Vel, da skolen var slutt en sommerdag
Kom datteren løpende som gal ♪
♪ Og hun sa, "Mamma, her er brev til deg
Fra tilsynet for høg moral" ♪
♪ Oh, I brevet sto "Fru Johnsen
De fostrer dårlig dotter Dykkar sjølv" ♪
♪ "De har altfor korte skjørt
Og det seiast at de stundom drikker øl" ♪
♪ "De må kome på eit møte
Det er no ikveld, I Bedehusets sal ♪
♪ "Vi må ta dotter Dykkar frå Dykk
Helsing Tilsynet for høg moral" ♪
♪ Klokken syv den samme kvelden
Startet møtet ♪
♪ Og med ett så smalt en dør ♪
BASIL
♪ Og like inn I salen kom Fru Johnsen
Kledd I miniskjørt som aldri før ♪
♪ Først da hun nådde prekestolen
Snudde hun, og så ut på den fulle sal ♪
♪ Og sa, "Jeg har litt å si til Dere
Voktere av stedets moral" ♪
Have you seen my wool sweater?
Which one?
The one I'm always wearing when I'm here.
The one I like, with the stripes,
you know, that I wear when I'm here.
It's not in the closet?
I looked there, obviously.
No, haven't seen it.
Hey, you can't...
It's important that they're not too thick.
That they're not that thick.
Make them thinner, okay?
Okay.
Hey, don't, don't. Don't turn it down now!
But it's way too hot. Look at that.
You'll burn them.
No. The butter's supposed to be like that.
Crackling.
- Oh, come on, can't you just...
- Hey!
- Put them in the pan?
- Aah!
Okay.
What do you think?
It's good.
I got Arvid to cut them for me.
They don't have New York strip
at the store, so I had to draw it for him.
- You drew the steak for him?
- Mm-hm.
What's up?
I think it's... fascinating
how much time you can spend on...
On us having a nice meal
and a nice night?
Of course. I'll do that.
When's your audition, huh?
On Tuesday.
If you're ready? All good?
There's a lot I've got to memorize, but...
- Well, what a great place to do it.
- Mm-hm.
That, um... other thing?
- What other thing?
- That, uh... that, um...
That thing, um... that
thing you're writing.
You and that guy from your acting class.
- What's his name?
- Diego.
- What's his name? Diego?
- Mm-hm.
Mmm.
So, how's that?
It's going well. I think it'll work.
Great.
Is it rough?
Is it hard?
Mm-hm.
It's good to write your own material.
Smart.
Okay.
That's one, two, three...
four, five, six, seven...
eight, and nine.
Gurka. Cucumber. Triple score, bitch.
- 54 points.
- Like fuck it is.
- What?
- You can't use a Swedish word.
It's "agurk" in Norwegian.
A-G-U-R-K.
- How come Swedish isn't allowed now?
- It's the Norwegian edition of the game.
If Swedish was allowed,
it'd be a Swedish box and rules.
- Well, I'm doing it. They're my points.
- Then you lose.
- Are you serious?
- Of course I'm serious.
- Okay. I'm over it.
- Well, then it's "agurk".
12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18...
18 points. "Agurk".
You tired?
You get tired when you lose, huh?
Go upstairs, I'll clean up.
Good night.
Are we going to continue playing tomorrow,
or do you give up?
You're really far behind, you know.
We'll play tomorrow.
Night, then.
Come on, now. Come on.
Come on.
Lars?
- Yeah?
- Can you come over here?
I can come, yeah. I'm coming.
What's wrong?
I need some help in here.
What were you doing with this?
- The hammer?
- Mm-hm.
I was... gonna fix the roof.
Those roof things. You know?
Roof things?
- Mm-hm.
- Ah!
The shingles?
- Yeah. The shingles.
- Uh-huh. Uh, yeah, yeah.
And this one?
- What are you doing?
- What were they for, huh?
What about the rocks in the boat?
What were they for?
I saw what you were doing
by the edge of the forest.
What are you talking about?
Why'd you zap me with a Taser?
Ah, fuck.
Lisa, stop it. Come on! Hey!
Stop it.
If I was to guess, I'd say
you were going to take the hammer,
hit me on the head, tie me up,
take me out in the boat
and sink me in the lake with those rocks.
Warmer?
The thing that I...
don't understand is, um...
what was the saw for?
Hmm?
Bodies float.
So I was going to cut you into pieces.
What?
No! What? Lars!
You were gonna...
you were gonna dissect me?
Mm-hm.
You? You can't even hold a raw steak.
But, I mean, what...
What were you thinking?
What were you going to tell people?
That Lisa just went for a walk,
that she never came home?
No... No!
Are you kidding me? That was your plan?
Oh!
Oh! You're so fucking stupid.
Oh!
But hey... What I really...
really, really want to know, is what for.
What kind of idiotic motive do you have
to murder me?
Let's start off with you being
a lying bitch and a two-timing whore.
Hmm.
- When'd you realize?
- When I got home one evening.
You were rehearsing
with that classmate of yours.
And I saw it wasn't lines
he was feeding you.
So you were going to beat me to death
with a hammer and cut me up
because of Diego?
Because I'm screwing someone else?
Okay, but take a second and think.
Think hard. I know it's difficult for you,
there's not much going on up there,
but try.
When's the last time we fucked? Hm?
Hm?
When's the last time you satisfied me,
Mr. "Two humps and I'm going to sleep"?
Fucking whore.
I can't say that I'm surprised.
An idiotic motive,
an idiotic plan, an idiotic man.
My plan, however...
Phew.
It's on a whole other level.
What was your plan, then?
Not was.
Is.
Hunting?
ONE DAY EARLIER
- Yeah.
- You?
You know I hate guns.
But he was like, "Come on, Lisa.
It's something we can do as a couple."
- But you can't even shoot, right?
- No, but Lars can.
- So it can't be too tricky, huh?
- Excuse me, Ms. Lisa?
I'm done with the leaves,
so I'm heading out.
Oh, thanks, Victor.
I'll send you the money.
Thank you so much.
- See you later.
- See you soon.
Really soon.
He does some odd jobs for us,
of the easier sort.
I can't get over your hair. It's...
- Yeah.
- You went blonde.
Yeah, it was for a role.
- An audition.
- So, did you book it?
No.
No.
Your time will come.
You only need one good role.
That's what Lars says.
Yeah.
That's what he says.
- Happy hunting.
- Huh?
We're hunting in the forest.
I didn't really want to come, but...
you convinced me.
I hate the thought of guns.
Everyone knows it.
So... I'm walking behind you, and I...
I stumble.
And boom...
"No!"
"No! Oh, my God!"
"What a tragic accident. So awful."
Okay.
I get it.
- What?
- No, it's just that
this is where your plan falls apart.
- How so?
- Because, Lisa...
Because you're a terrible,
awful, horrible actor.
You can't even act your way
out of a speeding ticket.
You can't even fake an orgasm, can you?
All that screaming
and godawful groaning you keep doin'?
I'm sure even Diego,
as stupid, stupid as he is,
even he knows you're just lying.
Think of five years ago.
When I said to follow your dreams
and move to Norway?
I was lying... through my teeth.
- Fuck you.
- Fuck you!
You swallowed that whole fuckin' line,
didn't you? You believed me entirely!
And you know why?
It's because I am so much better
of an actor than you.
- Nah.
- Yeah, I am.
You're a fucking bitter, useless,
fourth-rate director.
Think of that movie you were gonna do.
Of course you were gonna fuck it up...
- The deal fell apart!
- So you just give up, then?
At least I had something to give up on,
Ms. "Side effects can include..."
Just stop and look at
that stupid blonde hair of yours.
Do you think
you'll get more roles with that?
What's next for you, huh? Botox?
Or silicone?
- Actually, that might be for the best...
- Hey, fuck you!
- Yeah, fuck you.
- As if you're so much better.
- I am.
- Remember that...
What's was her name?
That dumb actress. Danielle!
- Who said the director told her...
- Oh, my God!
- Are you starting this again?
- Told her to take off her top
- so he could get a look at her breasts.
- That was some "Me Too" bullshit, okay?
First of all,
she was auditioning for a stripper,
- I needed to see if she was comfortable...
- You needed to see if...
You're so creepy. Creepy and boring!
Every time I listen to your advice,
- it goes to hell.
- Hm.
You were the one who told me
to move to Norway for work.
- I was lying, you talentless fucking tit!
- Enough!
Now, we're gonna get dressed and go
for a long, long walk in the forest,
that ends up with me
blowing your head off your neck.
I'm good, thanks.
Hm.
- You're good?
- Yeah.
You cunt!
Ow!
You're so fucking pathetic.
If you don't do what I tell you,
I'll take your little hammer
and shove it up your ass.
Nothing is going into my ass today.
Absolutely nothing.
- You're sure about it?
- Oh, yeah. I'm sure about it.
What the hell took you so long?
FIVE DAYS EARLIER
Want some?
No, I'm all right.
I'm not five years old.
Why are we meeting here?
I thought it would be less suspicious,
you know?
It's like how secret agents would meet.
Okay. Two adults, alone at a carnival?
Or two secret agents
who are also pedophiles?
You're the one who needs me.
Yeah, 'cause there's one thing
I won't... can't do.
Yeah, and I don't get it. That's
the easy part, I mean, after it's over.
- It's like cleaning a reindeer.
- Good. We're playing to our strengths.
But, um... I was wondering
about my compensation.
The compensation? What do you mean?
Her policy is for a million.
You get 500,000 and we move on.
I want it in writing.
You want it In writing?
You want a contract?
A written document detailing how we're
going to murder and and dismember my wife?
That's what you want?
- Yeah.
- Ever heard of evidence?
Ever heard of "moron" before?
- I just want to be professional.
- Be there at 12.
On the dot. Oh, and thanks so much
for finding time in your schedule.
Goddamn snob.
Like I don't have a schedule. Of course...
Of course I have a schedule.
Morning.
Her face looks weird.
I think that's pretty common when someone
smashes your head in with a shovel.
Ah...
Sit down.
What?
What the fuck? Lars.
- Fuck, are you serious?
- What?
You really dragged Victor into this?
Hey. Hey, Ms. Lisa.
I mean, Victor? Stupid Victor.
- Idiot Victor...
- Hey!
- What?
- Don't call me that.
Aah.
So the thinking is...
that Victor is going to kill me.
No.
It's not like that.
Since Lars thinks it's gross,
we said that I would do the cleanup
- if he does the...
- Hello.
- My job is to cut you to pieces.
- Hey, let's just shut up.
Ah. Of course
you can't do it yourself.
You fucking chickenshit.
- Shut your mouth! Both of you, stop!
- You're a pathetic fool.
Just stop. It's my turn.
You're going to answer me, Lisa.
What the hell kind of reason can you have
to kill me?
I'm ready for it.
You mean apart from being
a pathetic waste of life?
Yeah, apart from that. Mm.
You're an irresponsible gambling addict
who buried our entire lives
under his debts.
Oh, yeah, right. Fuck it.
"Just quit your job, Lisa."
"I'll take care of you.
My salary's enough for the both of us."
- And it was!
- Yeah, yeah.
You did all right for a few years, before
people realized what a hack you are.
- Talentless fucking garbage.
- Garbage?
- Oh!
- You do realize
that we'll lose it all in two more months?
The house, and the car,
and the cabin your father built for you.
- You just keep going like it's all fine.
- What?
Expensive wines,
- and New York fucking steak.
- What do you mean, we'll lose it all?
I bought the car. I bought our house.
Oh, and I got this summerhouse
from my father.
- No, Lars. No, no.
- Oh, yeah.
You know, when you get married,
you share your belongings.
What's yours is mine, and
what's mine is yours. So it's also mine!
Oh, I get it.
You want the life insurance.
You were gonna kill me so you could...
- Be free.
- Be free?
Okay.
Get far away from here
and never look back again.
Huh. It's kind of funny.
- What?
- Uh, it's just...
- What is?
- Nothing. You shut it.
- It's also the life insurance we wanna...
- Hey.
Uh, kill you for.
Mmm.
Diego.
- Well, it didn't help your case.
- I get half.
Five hundred thousand.
- I'm buying a new RV.
- Sorry, wait a minute. How much?
- Nice two-bedroom model.
- Hey, Victor. Listen to me.
- That policy is for three million!
- Let's all just shut up!
Shut up, now. Keep it shut. Yeah.
Fuck, I can't wait
to get rid of your nagging voice.
I'll never hear it again.
Give me the hammer.
Give me the hammer.
Uh...
- Hey. Stop it.
- Let her talk.
- I wanna hear her out.
- Can't we... Okay. You'll hear it.
- But I need... Give me the hammer.
- Just let her finish.
- Stop joking.
- Move, yeah?
- Give me the hammer.
- Move!
Hey!
Careful.
Fuck you.
The insurance is worth three million.
Do you hear that? You'll get half of mine.
- A million and a half, if you shoot him.
- Shut your mouth!
- Shoot him! Come on, do it.
- Shut it!
Two million
if you blow her head off right now.
- Lars, go die in a fucking hole.
- Now! Do it!
- You're gonna die!
- You get three million, everything,
- if you shoot him!
- And now she's lying.
- Look at her shitty lying.
- You lie all the time.
- I'm so fucking tired of you!
- You're a liar!
Give me it! Now! Get off!
Let go of the fucking shotgun!
- Let go!
- I want half of it!
I said you're getting everything!
Retarded idiot!
Ow!
Oh... No, no, no...
- No, no, no...
- Oh, my fucking God!
No!
- Victor!
- How...
- Shit!
- How does it look?
- Not optimal, I'd say.
- Oh, my God...
- You shot his whole hand off.
- Can you please calm the fuck down?
- Calm down?
- Yeah, calm down!
- Do something!
- I'm trying to figure out what to do.
- But you won't shut your mouth!
- Take him to the hospital.
- Are you crazy?
- Before he bleeds to death!
- I have to run!
- He's losing blood!
- Hospital!
- Do something! You have to stop him!
Fuck.
- What the hell have you done?
- I, uh...
You said - you said to stop... stop...
Stop the bleeding.
Stop the bleeding, Lars.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Fuck it. What's another murder?
What?
No, I don't think so.
It's a two-barrel shotgun, dumbfuck.
I'll have to reload, then.
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Aah!
Fuck!
- Ow! Ow!
- Come on...
Come here!
THREE DAYS EARLIER
♪ Det er ikke min seng og ikke mitt tak ♪
♪ Så definitivt ikke min dag ♪
♪ Om to sekunder går sikkert ♪
♪ En vennlig sjel igang en sirkelsag ♪
♪ Jeg burde ikke være her ♪
♪ For hvor jeg er må gudene vite ♪
♪ Men akkurat nå hjelper guder lite ♪
♪ Jeg må bort vekk hjem - nå ♪
♪ Møkkamann nok en gang ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ At det går an ♪
♪ Hvorfor alle er så happy ♪
♪ Går over min forstand ♪
- ♪ Og dessuten er det harry... ♪
- Do you think they're still after us?
- No, they would've caught us by now.
- ♪ Å stirre I senk en slagen mann ♪
♪ Brå små flash av ting man burde glemt ♪
- ♪ Er jeg heldig... ♪
- Roy, what are you doing?
♪ Er det noe jeg har drømt... ♪
- I'm hungry. Real hungry.
- ♪ Balanserer på kanten ♪
- ♪ Snubler du trekker noen ned... ♪
- Hey! Are you stupid?
We're hungry too, but we're not stopping
to eat berries that might be poisonous.
I need food.
- ♪ Møkkamann... ♪
- I can't function hungry.
You can't function at all,
you fucking lump of meat.
- ♪ At det går an... ♪
- Come on.
- ♪ Nok en gang ♪
- Roy!
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ At det går an ♪
Oh, fuck.
♪ Det er ikke min seng og ikke mitt tak ♪
♪ Så definitivt ikke min dag ♪
♪ Om to sekunder går sikkert ♪
♪ En vennlig sjel igang en sirkelsag ♪
♪ Jeg gikk planken jeg gir blanke ♪
♪ Jeg blir neppe lyst I bann ♪
♪ Men akkurat når du føler deg trygg ♪
♪ Bryter helvete løs igjen ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ For n'te gang ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ At det går an ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ Gang på gang ♪
♪ Møkkamann ♪
♪ Det er min sang ♪
We'll stay here a few days till things
are quiet, then we'll push forward.
See if we can find a vehicle.
Looking like this?
The fuck kind of clothes are these, huh?
I think they're quite nice.
Look at this sweater.
Oh, no.
Fuck.
Is that...
Are they coming in here?
Son of a bitch.
We'll get 'em. Let's crush 'em.
What if more are coming?
We can't risk it.
Come here.
Honey, I'm home!
Nice. Mmm.
Petter!
Should have taken the meatballs.
Those aren't the balls I'm looking for.
If you know what I mean.
- Mmm.
- Of course I know what you mean.
You think you're discreet,
that you're subtle?
You're horny, okay? I get it.
Now shut up, I'm trying to think.
- Petter!
- We can't use that ladder.
It's too noisy and they'll hear us.
Petter! Please.
What the fuck is it now?
- My stomach hurts.
- You have an upset stomach?
Why do you have an upset stomach,
you think?
Try to think, Roy. Why do you think
you have an upset stomach?
- Maybe... maybe it's, uh...
- Maybe it's, uh...
Maybe it's the berries.
Yeah, the berries. You think?
I need the toilet.
What do you mean, the toilet?
I've gotta shit.
What the fuck you doing?
- Roy, God! You're not taking a shit here.
- No, no.
You're not taking a shit here!
You're not dropping a deuce in this attic.
Fuck!
- You better not.
- I'm not shitting in my pants!
- No, no!
- Pull up your pants!
I must preserve my dignity.
Fuck you, Roy.
Dignity?
Oh, fuck.
[sighing[
Fuck.
Yeah... We're stuck here for a while.
Good God, what a stench.
Dave.
- Dave?
- What?
We're just like that girl and her family,
who hid in the attic.
Huh?
Who wrote that book
you read in your cell.
Anne Frank?
We're hiding up here in the attic
just like rodents, you know?
You missed the part where she sat down
and took a shit all over the floor.
Can you be quiet? Shut up, okay?
Huh?
What happened?
They're killing each other.
Oh, my God.
Sh, sh, sh! Shut the fuck up!
Oh, shut the fuck up!
What's, uh...
What's... what's happening?
You know, this is steak!
Hmm. Mm-hm.
Hey, you're that lady, right?
From that commercial?
The one for the people
whose cocks aren't working?
It's you, right?
I told you!
Shit.
A star and all.
No wonder the steak is good.
- Mmm.
- Mm.
What is it?
Tenderloin?
Hmm. It's New... New...
New York... New York strip.
Ooooh!
Who are you? Wh... what are you doing here?
I'm Petter.
That's Dave.
And the lump of meat is Roy.
You shot my anus.
According to
your driver's licenses, you're Lars.
And you're Lisa.
Of course, we should stay out
of your private affairs, but, uh...
it looks like you two hava
a little, uh... relationship problem.
And, considering that guy there,
one of you's also a killer.
It... it was him.
- He's the one who killed him.
- You told me to.
- That's not what I said.
- You shouted, "Stop him!"
- I told you to stop the blood.
- You didn't say, "Stop the bleeding."
- I'd have done it. You said, "Stop him."
- Yeah...
- I meant stop the blood. What else...
- Okay...
- What you meant... You didn't say!
- You're so fucking stupid.
- You're the dumb...
- Okay!
I don't give a fuck about all that stuff.
It's a kick, huh?
Huh?
Killin' a man in cold blood.
You feel it, right? It's a rush.
Ooooh.
Me and the boys here have broken free
from state conservatorship, so to speak.
We hiked two days through the woods
before we found your cabin.
Thought we'd settle down here.
Before you came barging in.
Do you have any idea what it's like
to be stuck in that shallow
fucking attic of yours
for 24 hours,
smelling nothing but Nazi mess?
- Um...
- Okay. Come on, Petter. Enough talk.
So, our next order of business
is cash.
We have a... Well, a liquidity problem,
I guess you could say.
We've searched through
all your wallets and pockets
and the luggage upstairs.
From that, we put together a few hundred.
And we found a thousand in the pockets
of that dead guy,
so thanks for that one, Lars!
Mmm...
We have, uh...
There's 2,000 kroner in the office.
In a ceramic bowl on the desk.
Take it.
Please, just leave us alone.
Please.
Thank you, Lisa.
That's kind.
Fuck! Enough talking.
What? Oh, my God!
Like I said, we've been in prison
for a while, and...
you probably know that
men have...
natural needs.
Please. I beg you.
I'm begging you.
I'll do anything. I'm begging you.
Anything you want, but just not that.
You know, the balls get fuller and fuller
over the years.
They must be emptied.
The gonads must be drained...
before it goes to the brain,
before it curdles.
Okay?
Let's see if you're satisfied now.
Oh...
Shit.
You're an ice-cold motherfucker, Lars.
Okay.
Go on, then, Queer Dave.
- No, no!
- Come and help!
No! No, no!
No, no, no, no! Help!
No!
No! Let me go!
No!
No! No!
No!
No, please!
Ah, no! No! I...
No!
Hey. Hold on.
- Want a little tip, Lisa?
- No!
No!
Just relax.
If you fight it...
- oh, a lot more pain.
- No!
No!
No!
- No!
- Hey, hey.
- He's like a fish.
- Oh, God! Please!
Please.
Please. Please. I don't...
I haven't done anything.
Please.
I've seen a lot of men beg
in my life. Lars.
You're gonna have to do a lot better
than that if you want a chance.
I mean, don't you know who this is?
Huh?
This is Dave "Horse Dick" Eriksen.
I'll be honest, Lars.
It's gonna feel like two bodybuilders
are shoving a fire hydrant up there.
I beg you.
Really, really...
Please...
Look... look...
look...
Please. Enough.
I'm afraid.
I...
- Please.
- I think we need to help you a little.
Please, please, no.
What... what...
- No!
- What? What...
No. You...
You can take everything I have!
Don't use that on me.
Don't. No, no, no, please. Don't.
Don't do it.
- Don't...
- Come on, Lars.
If you really sell this now...
- Yeah?
- we might not let Dave loose on you.
Oh, God! Please!
- I don't want to, please! No!
- Lars.
Calm down. Lars, Lars, Lars...
- Calm down.
- Oh, God Oh!
- Fuck...
- Sh...
Focus, now. Focus.
Hey, wait a minute, Petter.
- I'm not done yet.
- Shh.
Oh!
Oh, fuck!
That was intense.
Lars.
You're not done yet, you know.
You should kiss my feet. Kiss my feet.
Come on. Kiss my feet, Lars.
Kiss...
Come, come. Come now.
Come here. Yeah, come here.
Come on.
No.
Use some tongue.
Use some tongue, Lars. Come on.
There you go. Yeah.
That's a good boy, Lars.
That's a good boy.
Now, look up at your wife.
Look at Lisa.
And tell her that you're a little shit.
Come on, Lars. Say it.
Tell her you're a little shit.
Come on, Lars. Tell her.
I'm a...
Louder, Lars.
Louder!
I'm a little shit!
- Isn't he?
- I'm...
I'm a little shit. I'm...
Yeah, this is starting to look all right.
What do you say, Dave?
Ehhh... it's a little amateurish to me.
Hmm.
- Yeah, you think so?
- Mm-hm.
All right.
Yeah. It looks like
you're gettin' fucked anyway, Lars.
- No!
- Roy!
No, I don't want to! No!
No! No!
No, no! No! No!
Oh, no! No!
Wait! Stop, stop! Stop!
Stop. Stop! Stop it.
I have...
a lot of money.
A large amount of money...
in the bank in the city that I...
that I put away.
125,000.
We can go there tomorrow,
when the bank opens.
I'll take everything out
and give it to you.
Everything I have.
But not if you do
what you were gonna do to him.
Or to me.
You follow?
What about poor Roy over here?
He was looking forward to having a...
short and stormy relationship with you.
Of course, that kind of money
does help your case.
It can keep us out of trouble.
Mm-hm.
Okay, it's a deal.
Ah, fuckin' A.
No one touches him.
All right, Lars.
Looks like your wife saved your ass.
Literally.
Hey, uh... Petter?
Mm?
How many people have you killed?
Why do you ask?
I'm just wondering how many people
you've really killed, because I've heard...
- Ow! Fuck!
- Lie still!
I just... I just heard you were
the worst bastard in there.
Ah...
And I heard that, um...
Come on, now, what'd you hear?
That you robbed that bank.
And then you killed your whole gang?
All three.
Because you didn't wanna
split the money, they said.
So that's what you heard?
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah...
The headline's correct,
but the details are bullshit, obviously.
What does that mean?
I got rid of those guys, but it, uh...
wasn't for the cash.
I'm not a greedy boy, Roy.
Then...
Why did you kill them, then?
They had no value.
Look at you, for example, right?
You're here because...
your brother knew that guy
at the security company.
In our little escape plan,
that obviously had... value.
But, uh...
Do I have value now?
Ow! Fff...
Good as new.
And now you have value again.
Lars?
Lars?
Lars, can you hear me?
How the hell did we get here?
I don't just mean here, I mean...
I was so in love with you.
When we got together...
I thought that we would always be a team.
You and me.
I thought we would do
all that stuff we talked about.
That I could...
have such a wonderful life with you.
Then it's just...
Then it's just debts and arguments and...
disappointing each other.
And everything turns awful.
And then...
Diego.
I'm so...
I'm so sorry for that.
It didn't mean anything.
Hey...
It really meant nothing.
Fuck it. Just forget it.
It doesn't matter, anyway.
We'll both be dead soon.
Can you name for me some
of Parliament's most important tasks?
Pass laws, pass the state budget
and watch over the government.
Tell us.
- Go ahead and tell us the answer.
- Pass laws. Pass the state budget.
And control the government.
You almost said it earlier.
- Yeah.
- What's the budget called
that estimates the state's income
and bills?
- The state budget.
- State budget.
Exactly right.
Damn, you're smart.
You should be a professor.
Professor?
I could have been prime minister,
if born in the right zip code.
Hello?
Next question is...
Sh.
Somebody!
Hello?
- Lars... What are you doing?
- Can someone come down?
Lars! Shut up! What are you doing?
- Can someone come down here?
- Lars! Shut up! Shut up!
Lars!
What are you doing?
Lars!
Lars!
Lars.
What the fuck are you doing?
Roy. Go on down.
Please come down! Come down now!
I need the toilet.
Piss your pants.
Um... It's, um... a number two.
The guy's gotta take a shit!
So let him take a shit.
You're not gonna do something, right?
- No.
- No.
Hey, wait.
I'm just gonna see if you have
anything you might...
surprise little Roy with.
Hm.
You know what... you know what this means?
Look!
It means I don't like folks like you.
- Okay.
- Hm.
Just give us that money.
The money is why Petter says
I can't molest you.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Mm-hm.
But I was thinking...
if you can just show
your boobies to me, then...
You know, titties...
Then I can jerk it a little.
Mm... I don't know/
I don't...
think so.
I'll talk to Petter about it.
Yeah. I'll talk to Petter about it.
Lars!
Can you untie me?
Lars!
Lars!
Lars! Lars!
Come back, dear!
Roy! How's it going down there?
Roy! What's the deal?
Fuck. He's as deaf as he is stupid.
All the way to the final...
Roy!
All right, baby! Are you...
Fuck's sake.
Roy! What the fuck's going on?
Roy!
Roy!
Roy?
What happened?
He hit me with a...
- He hit me with his sock.
- Sock?
Fuck.
Fuck!
They can't have gotten far.
Come on, then.
Okay. Roy, take the road.
- Uh.
- Dave, with me.
Damn!
Fuck...
Come on, come on!
Fuck!
A-ha!
- Bingo!
- What you got there?
Nothing.
Give it here.
Come here.
Come here.
Boat keys.
That's smart.
You would have made it too,
if my flashlight hadn't broke.
You... still need me alive.
- For the cash.
- The money doesn't matter now.
Your man hit me in the head.
So the rules say you've gotta die.
What fucking rules, huh? Huh?
Hey... Wait, wait, wait. Please, I beg you!
Do you know how many whores
I've heard tell me that?
Move away from the fridge. I don't want
to shoot it of there's still beer inside.
So, I've...
I thought some more.
About what you said in the basement.
That you wanna take off my top.
To see your tits.
Yeah.
Uh... Roy.
It was Roy, right? I mean...
I couldn't say it down there,
near the others, but...
I mean, especially not
in front of my husband, but...
I think I want you, too.
I was thinking that I might...
come with you after we go to the bank.
I could be, uh... with you.
I know we don't know
each other that well, but...
I think that the two of us could...
I think that on the road,
we could have... fun together.
I mean, a lot of fun.
If you get what I'm saying.
- I don't know if I know what...
- Oh, I think you understand.
I see it in your eyes.
I can see that you want to.
- But...
- What? But what?
- But you're a, uh...
- What am I?
What am I, Roy?
You're a Jew...
No!
Come on, stop!
Fucking...
Lisa!
Lisa!
Lisa!
No.
No, no, no, no.
Why?
Why did this have to happen?
What the hell did Roy ever do
to anyone, huh?
Lars. Lars! Come here. Here!
Come on.
Come on.
I know how we ended up like this.
It wasn't your fault.
It's my fault.
Only mine.
When you tell me that...
that I gave up, you're right.
I gave up.
And I blamed everyone else for it.
You. Work. That fucking debt.
Somehow, I became okay
with it all falling apart.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- They're coming. They're coming.
- Sh,
They're coming!
Shhh!
Shh.
Take the boat.
- What about you?
- I'll come after.
Lisa.
In the kitchen with Roy?
That was the best goddam performance
I've ever seen.
Fuck.
Oh! Fuck!
Come on, Lisa. Lisa!
Aaaah!
Oh!
Just hold that fucking whore for me.
I just tried to be nice, Lars.
Keep on good terms.
Stupid, stupid me.
What...
You live and you learn, you know, Lars.
- No! No!
- Stay still. Stay still.
And you're gonna see what happens
when you mess with Petter Larsen!
Oh!
I've killed people
many different ways, Lars.
Oh, fuck!
I've shot them, strangled them and...
No, no!
I've burnt them, I've stabbed them,
I've beaten them to a pulp...
Stop! No!
- Oh, God!
- In '92,
I cut a man's head off
with a bottle opener.
But I have never put someone's head
into a lawn mower.
So thanks for that!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Let him go! Let him go!
What in the halls of hell
are you doing out here?
SIX HOURS EARLIER
Oh, for the love of God,
what the fuck do you...
- Hello?
- Hello.
Hello, yeah. It's Hans.
Hans out by the fjord.
Hans?
I'm sorry for calling
a strapping young man like you
so late this evening.
But I was out driving my car, you see.
I was going to, uh... the pharmacy.
You know, I need my medicine,
and I wasn't sure I had any at home,
but anyway, there it was.
Uh...
Sometimes,
the pharmacy's open late these days.
So I thought I oughta get some more,
in case I was all out
of the stuff I have at home.
And so, I got some more,
but then I got home
and saw that I already had some here,
anyway, so that, you know...
- That... Well, that's all.
- Hans, Hans!
Hans, why are you calling my cellphone
in the middle
of the goddamn fuckin' night?
Well, uh, like I said...
I drove past your cabin.
Did I mention that?
Uh, and the light was on...
- It was on in the house.
- That's because my son is there.
And there were a lot of cars
parked all around the front.
On the outside.
Also, also the main door was wide open...
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Uh... Did you go check on him?
No, because you never know!
It could be a break-in or something...
- Something dangerous.
- Yeah. Uh, Hans, Hans, that's great.
Thank you for giving me this call, okay?
Good night.
Yeah. No problem at all. Good night.
Hi, this is Lars. I'm probably on set,
so leave a message,
and I'll get back to you after we...
♪ Jeg vil ha fri, shu-bi-dua, shu-bi-dua
Jeg vil ha fri ♪
- ♪ Shu-bi-dua ♪
- Fucking asshole kid.
♪ Jeg vil ha fri
Shu-bi-dua, shu-bi-dua ♪
♪ Jeg vil ha fri, shu-bi-dua, shu-bi-dua ♪
Goddamn piece of shit old man legs!
Ahmed, my dear friend.
So, I've got a little problem.
- You know my house by the lake.
- Mikkel, get back to bed.
- And you know my name is Abid.
- Listen.
They're breaking windows down there.
His phone is off.
- I've got to go to my...
- To your bed. We can talk about it later.
Take that bed and shove it up your ass!
- I don't have time for this!
- Okay. That's enough.
♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ Gi meg fri I kveld ♪
A goddamn homo-mobile.
♪ Oh, sitter her på trappa
Venter på a' Martha ♪
♪ Venter på a' Martha
Venter på a' Martha ♪
♪ Sitter her på trappa
Venter på a' Martha ♪
♪ Venter på a' Martha... ♪
♪ Samme gamle leksa ♪
- ♪ Hu har glømt att veska... ♪
- A goddamn spaceship shitbox.
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, je blir fort fortvile'... ♪
♪ Itte lett å smile ♪
- You goddamn gas-suckin' whore.
- ♪ Nå får a' jammen komma ♪
♪ Kaster meg I Glomma, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪
Hey. Fatty!
- Hey, come help me out.
- ♪ Gi meg fri I kveld ♪
Fuckin' long-haired,
Green-votin', draft-dodgin',
grass-smokin', tree-fuckin'...
♪ Whoo! ♪
What in the fuck...
Fuck!
Mikkel!
Papa?
My cabin! Fuck...
Hey! Don't come closer.
One more step, and I'll cut.
You're feelin' tough for...
a guy with no gun.
Cut that, you little fucker.
Papa!
You're gonna watch me
while I kill your son
and fuck your daughter-in-law
while you bleed.
Papa!
- Papa, no!
- Get in the car!
Oh, my nose...
What nose?
Fuck!
It's fucked.
They fucked it.
- Lisa?
- Hm?
Get down to the boat and get it ready.
What?
- Don't go back.
- There's somethin' I gotta do.
No. Mm.
I have to.
Hey. Stop whining.
Hey. Look at me. I said, look at me!
Look at me.
Go inside, and bandage that wound.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
I'll take care of them.
Okay?
Uh-huh...
Fucker!
Okay. Come on.
Come on. Oh, come on.
Come on, yeah.
Damn it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Come on!
Fuck.
No more pain.
No more pain.
Okay...
Uh...
Going fishing?
[growls
No gun in a nursing home.
What do you want from me?
Why not just take the boat
and get away?
Because, you fucking Swedish cunt...
I still need that money.
You're getting it for me.
Okay, okay.
Listen, I got people who owe me money.
Big time.
Don't do it, please.
Please.
No. Oh, please. No, not my dick.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Dave "Horse Dick" Eriksen, was it?
I didn't mean it, okay?
I really wasn't gonna do it.
It was just...
It was all just a joke.
I swear.
That's a nice sweater.
Huh?
Oh.
Lars?
How are you?
How are you doing?
I'm good, Papa.
I just... just shotgunned the guy
in the balls, so...
I'm proud of you.
That's my boy.
You were right.
It is nicer to see the sun rise than...
see it set.
Adiós, Dave!
Are you really gonna
leave your partner behind like that?
There are no real friends
in my world, Lisa.
Either you have value, or you don't.
And Dave definitely has no value now.
Why are you so preoccupied wirh Dave?
He was gonna make mincemeat
out of your husband's ass.
That scene down in the basement...
Your husband laying there, begging like
a little girl and drooling on my shoes.
Where do you think he is now?
Hiding in the woods like a little shit...
Come on, you fucker!
What the hell got you thinking
you can fucking fight?
Adiós, Petter.
What the fuck?
That's the stupidest shit I've ever seen!
And now you're gonna fucking die,
you little good-for-nothin'
piece of shit rat.
Sorry, but you have no value now.
Police are an hour out.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
When we were down in that basement...
Those billiard balls, how did you...
At least we're both alive.
We're still underwater, just like before.
No money. Too much debt.
We're still fucked, Lisa.
- Huh. Yeah...
- Hmm?
How about, uh...
♪ Den skal vær mann
Som kan gå med min hatt ♪
♪ Den skal vær kald som
tar øve mi makt... ♪
THREE HOURS AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
♪ For å gå med mine sko ♪
♪ Men han må ha sin egen pistol ♪
♪ For du vett kva som står I testamentet ♪
♪ Oh, du vett kva som står I testamentet ♪
♪ At den som tar hånd om min Constanze ♪
♪ Får min hatt, får mine sko
Får mitt extravanganza
♪ Ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ Oh, ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ All right, ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ All right, ta kontroll
Ta kontroll, ta kontroll på kontinentet ♪
SURVIVED TERROR ON CABIN TRIP
FIVE DEAD IN CABIN MASSACRE
ESCAPED MURDERERS
KILLED BY MARRIED COUPLE
What can you tell us?
♪ Og eg ber om å bli godt parfymert ♪
♪ Eg skal lukte godt
Når eg først skal gå ner... ♪
What do you think made it so that
the two of you survived?
I think... Well, I think that...
our love, and how strong it is
let us survive, yeah.
And now, your story is being turned
into a feature film.
♪ Ta kontroll på kontinentet... ♪
Yeah, that's right. It's gonna be a film.
BIDDING WAR FOR SCRIPT RIGHTS
STORY SOLD FOR MILLIONS
MAKING MOVIE WITH HOLLYWOOD STARS
Yeah...
We're gonna have some fun now.
Hell, yeah, we are.
Aaah! Queer Dave.
♪ Eg ser det for meg ♪
♪ Det kryper imot meg... ♪
- Take it away.
♪ Ser det for meg, ser det for meg ♪
♪ Ser det for meg... ♪
- Like hell you are.
♪ Åh, mi søster, ah, mi søster ♪
♪ Nå vett eg kven som er tyster ♪
♪ Åh, mi søster, ah, mi søster ♪
♪ Eg hørte alt du sa ved mi kiste ♪
♪ Oh, Fader Martin, oh, Fader Martin ♪
♪ Eg syns dette begynner ♪
- ♪ Å lukte bensin... ♪
- Cut!
♪ Og mi Costanze
Og min Constanze ta min hatt ♪
- ♪ Ta mine sko, ta mitt extravaganza... ♪
- All right, thanks.
- On set in five.
- ♪ Ta kontroll på kontinentet... ♪
Thank you so much, everybody.
♪ Ta kontroll på
kontinentet, all right... ♪
That was exactly what happened.
♪ All right, ta kontroll, ta kontroll
Ta knotroll på kontinentet ♪
♪ Whoa-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ Whoa-ah-oh-oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪