I complessi (1965) - full transcript

I've got a handkerchief...
and cigarettes as well.

Maybe I should've left the umbrella at home.

But no no..it could rain.

Generally I dislike these outings...

but I had to come...
that way I can speak to Gabriella.

Should I buy her a flower?

Then they'd know right away that
because of me

a rose sits on her table every morning.

In just the right circumstance...

I'd ask her...to marry me.

In any case, today I need to make a decision.



I see I'm the first one here.

Now I'll look like a real fool.

Not even the driver!

I can't hide but as soon as someone gets here...

I'll pretend I just arrived.

Hey! Are you part of Ultramarket?

Yes, why?

Me too! Carloni.
-Raganelli.

How come you're here so early?

Why are you?

I come from Ferentino.

The train gets there at 5:00am
and continues to Rome

Where are you from?
-I'm from here.. Rome.

No, I meant at Ultramarket.
-Ah, Via Libia



I'm with the Director General.

For the luncheon, the Chairman wasn't able to get us into The Castle

So I saved myself 200 kilometers.

Should I buy the rose now?

Then I can put it on her seat on the bus?

This lunch is already costing us 2500 lira.

And another 1000 for the medal we're presenting the Chairman.

Of course, the medal.
-Couldn't you scrape together the 1000 lira?

What do you mean?
I was one of the first!

It's well deserved after 10 years of work. Poor devil!

Yeah.
-Do you know if the florist is open already?

You want to to give him flowers too?

No, if anything I was thinking of his wife...

Sure, when he dies a nice wreath.

Well...oh...no!

Here they are finally!

It's 7:30, they're right on time!

Good morning Raganelli.
-Miss Milani...-Carloni.

Watch out!

Sound asleep or wide awake?
Let's go!

You almost killed the lady.
-Oh, looks what's written on the bus...

..."Entrance Forbidden to Cuckolds."
Perelli, go home!

Attention folks. Good news!
"A bus...

of picknickers drove off a cliff.
Twenty dead."

If something happens to us
it's your fault.

In 1940 he had a hunch..

and the war broke out!

Ciao, Quirino!
-Ciao, Alvaro!

Oh God, there she is!

Stay calm Quirino! Play it cool.
Just one word.

And if she says no?
Now I'll just walk up to her and say...

What'll I say?..
I'll say, "how lovely you are this morning!"

Hey Quirino, can you give me
a cigarette?

Right now? -When then? For a Christmas present?
-Of course.

Ernesto, on the bus I'd like you to
put me near Gabriella.

What for, with all these beautiful girls...

Seems to me that with her you'll just strike out.

Still I'll give it a try.
-Okay, I'l take care of it.

I hope the Chairman doesn't make us eat the products he sells!

Ciao! You made it after all!

Good morning.
-Guys, a round of applause...

for Signora Julia!
-Good morning, thank you.

Good morning Miss Gabriella.

Good morning Raganelli.
-Good morning.

How lovely you are this morning.
-Thank you.

Really stylish.
-A real model!

It's true!
-Has the lawyer arrived yet?

He's just pulling up over there.

Oh yes. If you'll excuse me.

Quirino, why are you carrying an umbrella?
You want it to rain?

No, this morning when I left the sky was dark.

Good morning Chief. How are you?
-Fine, fine.

Good morning all. Come on, let's go!

We've got 150km ahead of us.

Alvaro...

Is it true you're left-handed?
-Why?

Then I'll take the seat on the right.

Everyone to their battle stations!

The manager is here, Garbuglia, Carloni...
-Here!

Palombi...
-I'm here.

Ah, they let you go!
Where's Raganelli...

I'm here Ernesto.
-So have a seat, okay?

Where should I sit?
-I saved you a seat near Gabriella...

like you asked me. Go on, there.

Sit down! I need to see who's missing.

Yes Boss, sir.

I never told him to save me
a seat near you.

If you want to change...
-No. This is fine for now...

Nice! What do you mean, "for now?"
-No, I said for now,

there are no more seats!
-Okay then, I get it.

I'll try to disturb you as little as possible.

Oh, this is really starting off well!

Turn around Carloni! Toto's got something to say!

The other morning, I'm on the street, on via Chiai,

I meet a guy. He grabs me by the lapels,

he says, "So Don Juan, we finally meet!"

Take that Don Juan!
Pum Pum..

and he gives me two powerful slaps.
He lets me have it good!

But in the end I had a good laugh.

And why is that?
-Because my name IS Don Juan.

Ha Ha Ha
-Carloni, that's an old one!

Who knows a dirty joke?
-He does.

There's two mountain climbers on their honeymoon....

If it's indecent, I don't want to hear it!

It's okay, I'm married!

Quirino, we're at the 72km mark,

and she still hasn't said a word.

I could tell her I finished second,

in the ping-pong tournament.

I can imagine how interested she'd be..

Wait a minute!

The experts write that to overcome shyness

you have to try to imagine your partner

with a chicken on their head.

How do they come up with these stupid ideas?

What a racket! -Yes.
-At least you don't talk much.

In truth, I'm a man of few words.

You think a lot?
-Yes, actually I think a lot.

I'm glad you noticed.

I knew it the moment you first came by our office..

so strict looking it gave me a fright.

I'm sorry to have given you that impression,

because actually, as a rule, I'm very
cheerful.....inside.

Actually, I have that effect on people.

Not at all, but...

Look, you don't have to compliment me.

I prefer your type to those people over there.

Thank you.
-Don't mention it.

Quirino, you're off to a good start!
You mustn't lose ground now.

Maybe I should make her laugh a little.

What if I show her that little trick they showed us at the ski resort?

Still, you need snow for that one, damn!

I wonder why I've always found men with umbrellas...

a bit ridiculous.

Yes, really.
-Oh excuse me.

But it's not mine.

Perelli, is this your umbrella?
-No, no.

So...let's put it over there.

If there's an owner, he'll turn up.

Come on, you guys!
The biggest fool pays for drinks!

Well then Canestrini, get your money out!

No I don't drink, but I'll come out.
-'Scuse me doctor!

But you'll have to tell the Chairman.

The big department stores have all opened food departments.

Why are we waiting to open a packaging department?

I wrote a letter to the Chairman on the 15th,

outlining the opportunity to carry out this plan.

But he had no idea who

I have to fight about this. Blockheads!
I remember the last time...

Are you stepping down, Raganelli?

No, no I'm not.
-Look, you need to understand,

I didn't understand the last part.
Would you mind repeating it?

Did you forget something?
-No, no, the Director...

asked my opinion about opening a new packaging department.

Really! And what do you think?

Well...it needs a lot of discussion.

A real sweetheart, she waited for me...She'd make a perfect wife.

If we marry in May, in a year I could be a father.

Papa! Papa!

Where were you?
-Mind telling me where you were hiding?

Do you like kids?

Other people's not so much, but my own...

Why, you have children?
-Me? No no no! You didn't know...

I'm a bachelor.
-Well, one day then.

Oh yes, yes! No, no...I...
-I'd also like to have them.

Well then...why don't you get married?
-Like they say, for a marriage,

it takes two.
-Yes...that's true.

Great! Another missed opportunity!

Girls, choose whatever you want.
Alvaro's paying!

Okay I'll take Bambi.
-I'll take Bambi too!

Didn't you understand? You get to choose either coffee or cappuccino.

Hey Quirino, come watch this gag.

Girls, girls, listen up...
Carla!

Huh?
-Last night when I took you home..

You left this in my car.
-Are you sure?

Of course!
-I don't think so.

I'm telling you it's yours.
-I didn't forget anything!

Underwear!

The brain of a turnip!

Paoletti! Don't forget we represent Ultramarket! Is that clear?

Certainly Mr. Director!

What a beauty! I'm physically shaken by her.

I've a mind to go there and kiss her in front of everybody.

Too bad there are people around.

Hey Quirino, everything alright?
-Yes...you know..

When we get to the villa I'll tell you where you can take her.

Lemme have a cigarette.
-Alright...I'm almost out.

How much are these puppets?
-A thousand lire.

Each? -Yes.
-I think we can handle that.

If you'll allow me...
-No, don't bother.

I assure you it's no bother at all.

No, it's too expensive.
-Perhaps you'd prefer this one?

This smaller one is funnier.

Miss!
-Oh thank you.

Like this you'll have a reminder of me.

Did you want to leave it for me tomorrow morning instead of the flowers?

How did you know it was me with the flowers?

Didn't you know that women have a sixth sense?

So then, do you also know who the mysterious caller was?

It was you? All those wrong numbers.

Yes. It was my way of saying good night.

I think there were a couple of times you woke me up.

I'm sorry. I won't call anymore.

No, no, call me anytime.
When you want to talk.

But for heavens sake
tell me it's you.

Now that you know, it won't be necessary.

Would you like a "Charms"?
-Yes, thanks.

Want a candy? Take one!

You too, Miss Julia...a candy?
-Thank you.

You can switch. They're all fruity.
-No, this one's fine.

Can I have a candy?...Thanks.

And nothing for me, Raganelli?
-Here's a candy.

You finished them all?

Too much for me...candy...not for me...

Oh, hello!

Good day, Mister Chairman.
-Welcome Miss Manager.

Hello.
-Madam.

It's always a pleasure to see you again madam.
-Thank you.

Raganelli, foreign markets.
Madam...

Mister Chairman, may I present to you the pillars of Ultramarket!

Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you and welcome!

Most of you I know, others not so much.

However all of you have a place in my heart.

Bravo!

We need to say a few words of thanks.
-No.

Mister manager.
-Yes.

Our colleague Raganelli would like to thank you on behalf of all of us.

Me, no, no...
-Yes, yes.

Speech!
-Please!

No, no, thanks!
-Go on!

Mister Chairman...I believe my colleagues picked me...

because not knowing how to speak...
I'd be finished quickly.

Just two things...

-I looove you so much...

First, it's nice to see you.

And the second is..thank you.

Bravo!

It is our wish that you spend a nice day with us.

The house, the garden, the pool are all at your disposal.

Feel right at home. Help yourselves to anything.

Whoa, I'd help myself to his wife!

For me, the waitress!

C'mon everyone!

We're taking a group shot!

Miss Gabriella...the group shot!

Hold still...got it!

Can you make me a copy, Mister Director?

Of course Madam. We're putting together an album of this magnificent day,

and you'll get one. Where are you off to?

Don't smoke Raganelli!

How's it taste?

It's disgusting.
-Carloni...

Let's switch.
-Where did Carloni go?

He's changing behind the hedge.

So he's naked!
-Yeah, I guess..

Brrr. It's cold!
-Cold, eh?

You're not swimming?
-Yes, I had half a mind to,

but I'd have to swim naked. I don't have a bathing suit.

Well, I'm going to change.
-Okay. Should I wait here?

Yes, yes. Wait for me.
-Thanks.

Take this. Put it there.

Imagine the Director's face when they develop that roll.

How did he look?
-Like the day he was born.

Raganelli, what are you doing with my camera?

Me??

It would be better if you put it back on the table.

Miss Gabriella.

The camera! Where'd he put it!

Do you see this downpour?

What're you doing? You're getting drenched! Come! -Thank you.

Everything's soaked. Take off your jacket.

Don't worry. It's water resistant.

What is this?

By now it's scotch and rainwater.
-Of course.

This is a cute cabin.

It feels like we're in an elevator.

Have you ever noticed?

When you're in an elevator you can never find anything to say.

I have something to say.

Do you remember when the lights went out in the office?

I approached you and said,

"do you think with the downturn in the economy there'll be a reduction

in personel?"
-Yes, I remember.

Well, that wasn't what I meant to say.
-And what did you mean to say?

If you look at me I can't say it.

Is this better?

I need to do it like this.

If I were to kiss you, what would you say?

Gabriella...will you marry me?

I knew it, I was too impulsive...
I've ruined everything!

Gabriella, why don't you answer?

You can say no, It's okay.
-But I haven't said no.

Oh God!

Geez, it's really raining!

Now I have to take off my jacket!

If it hadn't rained it wouldn't have been such a beautiful day.

Quirino, I must tell you something.
-You're not free? There's someone else?

There was.
-Well, if there was...

I too was once engaged.

But between me and Alvaro there was something more.

Alvaro who? Morandini?

But...he's married!

I didn't know that when we started.

But it's over now?

For me yes, but he doesn't want to end it.
He's still hoping.

I don't know what to do!
-You should make yourself clear, eh?

Man to man. You have to tell him:
"Look Alvaro, this is how it is!"

I've told him plenty of times but he doesn't believe me.

Then I'll tell him!
-And what will you tell him?

And what will I tell him? I'll tell him!!

Gabriella and I love each other,

and we've decided to get married.

Let's go. It's raining a bit less.

We should have brought that umbrella that you left on the bus!

Of course. I was thinking the same thing.

She's been friends with Alvaro for a year and a half. But what kind of friend?

She found a scoundrel who took advantage of her, poor thing.

Besides, if she were still a virgin at 24

she wouldn't have been interested in someone like him.

A scoundrel come to take advantage of her.

Want my advice? Try the meatballs.

No thank you, Miss.
-Try it! Aren't they good?

Excellent, thank you.

There he is, that big shot...

How did Gabriella fall in love with that guy?

I'll go over right now and tell him,

that if I talk to his wife about it
he'd find himself in trouble.

Alvaro. Why didn't you bring your wife?

If I discuss my wife I might choke on the food.

What's with you?

Marina's not bad, eh.

If you like her I'll put in a good word.

No, I'm not interested.
-I see you're more interested in Gabriella.

You've been working on her all morning.

No, we were discussing...

The new section of the Metro.

What about the Metro?

Okay, the scandal with the Federation of Farmers.

What scandal? What are you saying?
What's going on with the farmers?

Ah Quirino, you think I'm a fool?
What did she say?

Well, she told me...

Eat now Alvaro, I'll tell you later.

Did she tell you she wants to leave me?

If you really want to know, those were her exact words.

And take your hand off me!

Brava Gabriella!

Spilling our private affairs to the first guy that comes along.

How are these meatballs?
-Very good.

I'm sorry Alvaro.
-No, don't worry about it.

Gabriella's always saying that she wants to leave me, but then it passes.

She could be in love with someone else.

I'd like to see that someone else!

Quirino, we've been together for over a year.

I've grown attached to Gabriella.
With me she became a woman.

I don't want to brag, but the ladies always fall for me.

What are you saying?
There's more than one?

I'm saying...I'm saying...
What do you know about women?

Eh, in my own small way...
-And so?

Where will she find someone with my patience?

But maybe she wants something more.

What does she expect? That I leave my wife?
-No!

Oh I love her but certain things I can't discuss!

And why should I upset my wife?

Am I right Quirino?
-That's right.

What will you do?

Nothing. Everything stays the same.

Well then, I don't see any way out.

No, no...Women are so hysterical and crazy,

they don't even know what they want.

Gabriella wants to get married!
-With who?

I couldn't tell you that.

What a load of nonsense she fed you.

You're already thirty, thirty-one.

What do you mean thirty-one?
-Go speak to Gabriella.

I already spoke to her.
It's you she should speak to.

You tell her that Alvaro forgives her,

but not to take too long,

because I really don't give a damn. You'll see...
-But no!

But yes..tell her I love her. Go on!

Hey, where is everybody?

Geez! They ate everything!
How's the fruit salad?

I don't know. I didn't try any.

Guys, the Chairman is speaking...

Try the salad, it's out of this world.

Suddenly I'm hungry!
-Raganelli, what are you doing?

Eating again?

Leave it! Let's go! The Chairman's speaking! Hurry!

And with this great tribute that you bestow upon me,

I am thankful to all of you,

to the entire beautiful Ultamarket family!

So, did you talk to him?
-Shh, the Chairman's speaking.

Did you talk to him?

Yes, I spoke to him.

Did you also tell him you want to marry me?
-Eh?

Did you tell him you want to marry me?

I told him, "Dear Alvaro...if you're smart you'll understand."

But you have to say it clearly...

"We want to get married."

And that's how I put it to him.

Tell you what, let's speak to him together.

That way we'll sort it all out today.

No, I just spoke to him.

Eh! He turned away, poor fellow...

Almost like I punished him.
Let's wait a bit.

Tomorrow we'll both call in sick.

We'll write him a beautiful letter and deliver it to him.

And that way we can say all the things we haven't already said!

Bravo!

Yes you're right, maybe that's the best way.
-Eh, yes.

Now that we agree, can we leave?

It's 5:00. What time does the train leave?

What train? We came by bus!

Miss Julia, can I have this go-go?
-Oh, with pleasure!

Dance?

Poor Raganelli. You couldn't take it anymore, eh?

She was boring you...Gabriella.

Boring me?

Otherwise you would never have asked me to dance.

Not at all. I asked you because...because I wanted to.

That's the third compliment you've given me today.

Ah...you were counting?
-Yes.

Let me see your eyes.

I was under the impression they were blue. -No, no.

Instead they're black. Amadeo's were blue.
-Amadeo?

He was my fiancé. A very ugly story.

After 8 years we broke up.
-Really.

Look.
-He took back the watch?

I slit my wrists.
-Oh, pardon.

For somebody not worth a tenth of what you're worth.

Excuse me but it's so seldom we get to breathe fresh air like today.

Why would you want to dirty your lungs?

If you want I won't smoke. But I smoke a lot.

Let's dance instead.
-Okay.

I love to go-go. Unfortunately Amadeo wasn't like you.

He was bossy, stubborn, and that's why I left him.

I suffered but I left him.
-Maybe he suffered too.

And how! I'm not as sweet as I look!

Oh.
-I know I can be vindictive.

You know what I did?
-No.

A nice letter to the Tax Office.

He had an upholstery business.

I made him pay a two million lira fine.

Two million?

Oh, don't think badly of me, I'm hardly a monster.

No, no. I don't think that...

I can make my mark whenever I want.

The way you treated Amadeo created an impression I'm sure. Two million?

An impression how? Good or bad?

Rather a good one.
-And four!

Four what?
-That's the fourth compliment you've given me.

Ah. Another dance?

How impatient! At least wait for the music to start!

Yes of course.

If you'll excuse me.

What's with the story that Gabriella just told me?

I don't know!

Why, what did you tell him?

What you did wasn't nice.
-Why?

First you agree with me,

then I find out you've proposed to Gabriella.

Meanwhile I don't know what's going on between you two.

It's true, that's what I told him.

So now that I know, the matter's closed.
-What closed?

It's not closed!
-No? So we'll reopen it then.

-Quirino.

Gabriella's with me. She's unavailable! Closed again!

Fine, but if you open and close whenever you like...

You're mistaken. I'm totally free.

Quirino and I love each other,

and we're getting married.

Would you like to tell him too?
-But you've already told him!

I'd like to hear you say it in front of her.

Okay, if you must know I've decided...

I've definitely decided to marry Gabriella.

What do you think?

What do you mean?
Who is he, my father?

Okay! Let's hear from him. It's a matter of some delicacy after all.

And I say no!
-I see.

It would have been better to write.

Are you kidding me?

You found someone else, I'm outta here!
What should I do?

Wait for the wedding sweets and get you porcelain place settings?

Hold on Alvaro, eh. Think for a moment...
You're married!

I have to explain myself to you?
-Yes. I'm saying that in future,

what can you give her?
-Why are you meddling? It's our business!

He's right about that!
-No! It's no longer our business!

Because you and I have been finished for a while.

And after what happened the other day

you have some nerve even speaking to me!
-Why? What happened?

Because what happened happened it's my fault?

What do I care whose fault it is. All I know is the other day

you reached new heights of vulgarity.
-Gabriella don't push me.

I'd just as soon...
-Easy!

Now we get to the bottom of it all.
-No, you're joking!

You feel something for me and you don't say a word? That's how you help me?

Gabriella, I don't understand what's going on!

If you don't tell me what happened, how can I help you?

Really, you want to help! You?
It would take a real man to help!

But this is between you two!

There she goes! I don't understand...

Why she fights with you and takes it out on me?
-Where are you going? Come here!

You want me to go after her?
-Leave her alone...

But she started to cry, poor thing.
-You know how women are.

Take this.
-Thanks.

How's that one?
-Fine, fine.

So what happened the other day?
-Nothing at all.

What could have happened?

She's offended.

As soon as we arrive I'll walk her home and explain everything.

Tomorrow in the office I'll speak to Alvaro and find a way

to make him understand.
And if he doesn't want to understand

I'll give him a couple of smacks!

However...if I write him a letter it would be more polite.

Hey...
-Eh?

You really got it on with Gabriella, eh? Your secret's safe. Not another word.

Give me a cigarette, will you?

I don't have any left. Sorry.

Everyone's sleeping. Now I have to go smoke my own.

What a nice dog.

Yes, he's beautiful.
-What will you do with him?

Nothing. I got him for someone.

But then you didn't have the courage to give it to them.

That's a fact.
-It was five...

Actually it was 5200.
-A gift horse...better still a gift dog.

In any case thank you for the thoughtful gift, Raganelli.

Don't mention it.
-I'll treasure it, thank you.

Signor Director, will you let us see the photos
once they're developed?

Certainly. If they come out I'll give one to everybody.

Adriana, why don't you come with me?
I'm afraid to sleep alone.

Not even if you marry me!

Girls, wait! Better off miserable than alone!

Juliana! Can you give me a lift?
-Yeah, yeah. -I'll come with you.

Gabriella, I...
-Good night Raganelli.

Good night...Gabriella.

Hey guys, anyone forget this umbrella?

Taxi!

I live close by if you want to share a taxi.

No thanks. I'll walk.
-Of course, let's walk together.

Okay.

Let's go.

Bye Raganelli.
-Bye.

This way Raganelli. This way.

See, I live at that entrance over there.

At the corner there's a delicatessen that..oh..

A pothole.

It has the best mozzarella in all of Rome. My mother shops there every day.

Poor Mama! She was so fond

of that ungrateful Amadeo. A man who no doubt was

charming in his own way, but who would have made me unhappy

Damn, the umbrella!
-for the rest of my life. It wouldn't have worked.

I forgot the umbrella!
-And Mama

What did she say about Papa?

I was saying about Mama
-Yes Mama...certainly...Mama...of course.

She was so fond of Amadeo.

Imagine, she even made him liqueur

with her own two hands that he liked so much. Vino Agretto. Do you know it?

No, I haven't had the pleasure.
-Poor thing...

She took to her bed and didn't talk for a whole week. Another blow like that

she couldn't bear it.

I live here, you see?

Tell the truth, are you willing to lift the bandage

from my wound?
-What are you saying Miss Julia?

Well then, you wouldn't mind at all?
-Of course not!

Thank you for everything, Quirino.
-Don't mention it, Miss.

Lunatic.

Julia, who's with you?

Yes, Mama. It's Doctor Raganelli Mama,

from the office on Via Libia.

I'm delighted Signora.
-Make him come up Julia! Perhaps the Doctor

would like a shot of Vino Agretto.

I don't drink, Signora, thank you.
And I wouldn't want to bother...

Come up Doctor. Come up.
Make him come up!

Come up for a moment.
-No, no thank you.

No, it's very late.
-Come on!

I'd gladly go up but I can't. I have a dinner invitation.

But it's 11:00 pm!
-Exactly! I can't keep them waiting.

I must go... at least to excuse myself..
-Call them.

Come up Doctor!
-If you like, I'll talk to them..

Come.

It'll make Mama so happy.

But only for a minute.
-Yes, fine.

This is the nicest thing you could do for me.

But...how do I get out after?

Wake up!

THE COMPLEX OF THE NUBIAN SLAVE

Whoever wants to see the dawn's early light.

C'mon wake up! Arduina!

Rise and shine!
It's already 6:00..

Actually it's 6:05.

Mother, wake up!
-Wha...What is it?

Whoever wants to see the dawn, etcetera etcetera.

Children! Up! Up!

The facts and characters in this story are purely
fictional with no semblance to reality.

Chubbykins...why are you crying so early? Eh?

Bye, unborn child!

And a good day to you all.

What does that madman want?

He always gets up this early...

My poor little angel!

And shut that window, poor little thing.

Is it always like this?

Thank goodness I arrived from Breschia!

Professor Gildo Beozi opened
the second European Economic Congress yesterday.

Many applauded his report..

on the financial structure of the Common Market.

Guido Beozi robs an old woman and gambles away her million

It's quite clear that we have here a simple a case of mistaken identity.

Prof. Gildo Beozi

and Mr. Guido Beozi have no relationship whatsoever.

Not even remotely.

Why aren't you writing, Manager Croce?

I was thinking, Professor...
doesn't this seem a little repetitive?

We've already done this three times. The last time just last week, remember?

That indecent story with the Siamese sisters.

Let me be repetitive, Manager Croce.

I'm well aware that anyone who knows me personally

would never confuse me with that reckless playboy. At most...

I could be a play "boy-scout."

But public opinion? Gildo Beozi, Guido Beozi...

It's easy to get confused.
Send it off to all the papers!

Hello..I'll get him.

Send it Registered Mail and a copy for the archives.

Okay.

Professor, I'm off to the Conference Room to see where we're at.

Fine.

A Mr. Patella?
-You know that I'm always available.

Luckily I don't have to hide from anyone. I'll take it, thanks.

Dear Sir, how are you?

Fine...I called you this morning at 7:00 but you were asleep.

Sleepyhead!...Hm?

No no, nothing urgent but...sensitive.

Remember the conversation we had with Father Carducci

on the steps of the Food and Agriculture Ministry? You remember?

Yes..excuse me a moment, eh?
Stegani, start recording please.

Oh dear Lord!

Mama! Mama!
-What is it?

Mama!
-Oh God, Erminia!

I feel awful.
-Awful? Arduina! Bring some vinegar!

The letter.
-You feel bad? Oh God darling, tell Mama!

The letter.
-What letter?

Come in.

Yes Professor.
-Let the first one in. -Right away.

Thank you.

General Ortega sent you?
-Yes Sir. Sargeant Taccari.

Secret Police.
-And so?

He took the thousand lire.

-And how many people did you try before him?
-Four.

You see?

How it pains me!
How it pains me!

Truly...a diligent young man...
but on the other hand...

What can I do? I must fire him.

What would you do in my position?
-Truth be told, he didn't want it.

I practically shoved it into his pocket.

But he did take it!
If a thousand lire was enough to bribe a bailiff,

considering the Italian mentality..

What would they say? To bribe a President

is only a question of zeros.

Well..thank you Taccari.

You've done good work.
Ah, better go out this way.

Regards to the General, eh!

Excuse me Professor, but that thousand lire...was mine.

Of course..True enough...Yes indeed.

Eh, let's see what we can do.

If it puts you out, I can take it back.
-No, no! That would be unpleasant.

No, no, no we'll withdraw it from his severance pay.

And you'll get your thousand lire from his suspended account.

Saturday go to the cashier and collect it.
-Saturday?

Patience and Faith.
-Yes Sir.

Professor, the conference is starting.
-Ah yes, yes.

The Foreign Press has also arrived.

Good Day! Here I am, my dear friends.

Go ahead and take aim. Here's my chest as a target, eh.

But don't complain if your arrows get blunted, eh.

It's not my fault if, as one of you wrote, describing me in a way I quite liked,

"Beozi, though a weakling,
no weakness does he feel.."

"That little Achilles
is without a heel."

MOTHER OF GOD CLINIC

Mrs. Beozi...maternity.
-Gildo!

Over here!

Erminia's still in labour.

It's a good thing I arrived in Rome when I did.

You listened to me after all.
-Not at all, if your daughter

had given birth on time, Senator Tamburini would've returned

from America and baptized out son.

Tamburini. Another big shot!
-It's not the same thing! -Why?

Let's not talk politics, Mamma!

I needed Tamburini and that's that!
And Erminia knew it too!

And instead what happens?
She goes into labour 28 days early!

Patience and Faith!
As you can see, your daughter...

you can never rely on her.
-Where are you going?

She's not over here?
-No, she's upstairs!

But the last time...
-This time no!

She didn't, by chance, take a private room did she?

That's right. A gift from her father.

A little gift to his poor little lamb.

Four children in four years.
You're like rabbits.

Okay...let's speak calmly.
Because there's nothing

so tragic that can't be undone.

You know Erminia, that we are the drivers on the road of life.

We know of a small detour.
-By all means tell me.

We live like monks. With a small salary I obsess over,

that allows us to live the kind of life

that above all sets an example.

Yes, of inborn stupidity.

This coat is 8 years old.

I have one pair of shoes for the winter and a pair of sandals for the summer.

My only luxury...this box of mints.
One box a week.

You used to stay four in a room.

Did it make you sick?

Did you lack for anything?
Tell me! Please tell me!

So then?
Let's not forget Him...

who was born in a manger.
Close parenthesis.

And now instead, we find ourselves where?

In Hollywood with a television.
What happened? Did we win a lottery?

I'm going crazy!
How will I justify it?

What shall I tell people?
-You'll tell them that

her mother and father can afford it.

Eh, let's put out a press release.
We're grateful to all our parents and children

but as long as The Lord gives birth in a manger

we can stay four in a room.
Now I'll go to the office and make the change.

It's already paid for.

Fine, give me the bill.
-Not on your life!

Mama please, I beg you.

I said give it to me!
-It's in my purse!

After you've given birth, you'll move downstairs.

Excuse me my darling but it's a matter of principle!

Mama!

What is? -Mama!
-Again? Push darling!

Push hard dear. What is it?

He took the letter!
-The...Oh bloody hell!

I'm so sorry.
-Okay okay.

Sorry.
-Let's hope the feeding bottles aren't ruined.

Erminia! What's this letter about?
-Some nonsense, Gildo!

A childish lark from long ago.
One summer when we went to The Riviera.

Four years ago, before you were married.

Imagine. One morning a galley ship appears...

I even said, "Isn't that strange Erminia,"

"there's a galley ship in the middle of the lake?"

Five amateurs were making a film.
All good guys, you know.

They went bankrupt in 1962, Venere Films.

They were looking for a pretty girl for some bit parts.

So to pass the time on holiday...

Yes, but the Bankruptcy Receiver has sent you

a cheque for 21,700 lire

for your performance.
-For what she did it's way too much!

That's what I want to know!
What did you do?

Nothing. -Nothing?
With this signed declaration

you agree to allow Star Films who has assumed title to the film footage

the right to use your image

exclusively, without limit, and at their discretion.

They can use it without limit and at their discretion!!

They can use my wife, oh blessed Saint Rita,

without limit and at their discretion!
To insert her scenes in a film

to be released in 10 days.
What film?

At least tell me what kind of film?
-It was a historical film.

A genuine historical drama.
-Forgive me Gildo. Forgive me.

Ma'am, you're due in the delivery room
-No! Not right now.

Let her in. Do you have a mechanical heart instead of a real one?

I must know!
-For shame! -Shame on you!

Mama, I beg you!

Here, you wretch!
Come in sisters.

Where is it?
-In the Entertainment Section.

Are you comfortable?

Pardon.
-Watch the door.

What's the film called?
-"Thor and the Four Queens."

Notify Dr. Bianchini.

"Thor and the Four....Naked Queens."

Now I know. I saw the title.
You're one of the four naked queens?

No.

So who are you then?
-A slave.

What kind?
-Black.

Okay, but what kind?

Dressed?
-Yes, yes, in a tunic.

And how..how long was the tunic?
-Below the knees.

But when I took a bath with the queen...

They can see your legs?
-No, but at the last moment

they had me take off my tunic.
I didn't want to,

but they had me take it off at the last moment.

So then..you can see her breasts.

Don't leave me Mama!
-No darling.

You see her breasts!
-Only once!

She wasn't even married then.
She was only your cousin.

COMING SOON

RESTRICTED TO OVER 18

COMING SOON

Calm down. Don't lose your head.
Let's figure

that in our four years of marriage

the people who know Erminia as my spouse

number maybe 1500...influential and non-influential.

Of these 1500, given the wave of morality

that's affecting the country, at least ..

30% would have seen a film of this type.

30% of the 1500 would be 360 people.

That means I have 360 chances of being ruined.

It's absolutely necessary I contain the damage...

It's absolutely necessary I contain the damage.

Meanwhile, I'll begin by saying...

Are you sure that the only scene you act in

is the bath scene with the queen? The only one?
-Yes, the only one.

Secondly, from the moment you left the delivery room yesterday,

who's been in to see you, excluding staff?

By the way Erminia,

what sex is the newborn?
-A girl.

Ah, a girl. Congratulations. Afterwards make sure you stay in the private room

and turn away all visitors.

Kill them, Thor!

Everything okay boys?
-It's all good, Sargeant.

Sargeant!

Should I start sweeping the gallery? I'll go slowly.

It's not a question of going slowly.
You can't go in. Sorry.

Why not? What's he looking for, this big shot?

Money laundering, industrial espionage, get it?

No, but...
-Me neither.

Ah, ah, ah...That's the end of the Christians! Ah, ah.

Hail Thor! Hail powerful king!

Hail! Where is the queen?
-The queen? With her slaves.

At the water's edge.

Slaves! Miobe! Sopronia! Tulliola!
Slaves in the water!

Yes, Oh Queen...

To the water!

We'll offer up our...

Stop! Stop! Projectionist!

You skipped a part! Please!
Shut the projector!

What happened professor? We're here!
-No, no. Nothing.

I was talking to the projectionist...
Go on. Go on.

Let's go boys.

What is it?
-Excuse me, there's a piece of film missing.

I skipped a scene?
-The scene's been cut, eh!

Doctor, what's there is there.

I know the queen has to bathe with the black slaves, no?

Doctor, as you see,

at the last moment perhaps she didn't feel like a bath with her slaves.

Okay.

You're right, there's been a cut right here.

Where, here?
-It's been repaired. You see?

There it is! If you ask me there really was a bathful of slaves.

But...but who would've cut it out?

Doctor, how is it you don't know that? Who else could've done it?

The Censor!

Wait a second.

Like I was saying. Look there.

"Censored Copy."
-I didn't know...

How does the process work?

You see, all films go through the censors.
-Yes.

There's a committee...

When they see somebody with their chest out,

with two tits, and snip! They cut the scene.

They make it okay for young lads to see.

So the Italian public sees this film without...

Without tits! Of course!

But these tits, where do they go?

I mean those two pieces, the piece that's cut, where does it end up?

What do I know?

Shredded, destroyed, I don't know.
They throw 'em out. Burned at the stake, Doctor.

What's the matter Doctor?
Feeling sick?

The figures are as follows: 75,775 and 46,957 dollars.

The second commission having seen the budget of the first commission...

...of the first commission...

...the commission...

The committee...

The censorship committee has seen your wife..

and cut the scene of her bare breasts.

The censorship committee has seen your wife and cut the scene...

..her bare breasts. The censorship committee...Ah, Doctor...

Doctor, the committee. They've seen someone..

breasts sticking out, with a pair of tits like this, snip!

They cut the scene. Then again what can you do, eh.

The final budget of 8 million dollars has now been analysed.

We shall send forward to the technicians..

Provide me with the names of the censorship committee members please.

Excuse me Professor, censorship of what?

Film, naturally!

Doctor Massimo Tabusso.

Masimo Tabusso. Tabusso...Tabusso...

Tabusso? Who, the journalist?
Of course I know him.

You introduced me at your conference.

Hello?

Gildo!

It seems...it seems...

I introduced her to him.

Fool that I am!
Baracchi Croce, I'm going out!

You're going out Professor?
-Yes, yes, out!

But those gentlemen concerning the Dutch beets...

Take delivery and put it in the ledger.
-Okay.

Tabusso, what do you think?
-No, no I'm sorry,

but the whole sequence is obsessively sexual,

in form and style!
-So I'm not allowed to object

because your censors think it's obsessive and sexual

but in my opinion the writing is poetry. Pure poetry.

I'm going to grab a cup of java.

I'll be right back.

My dear Tabusso.
-Oh, Professor!

I was looking for Francesconi but..
-Francesco's on the floor above.

Oh? Then I'm really lost.

No, look. At the exit you'll find the elevator.

If you like I'll go with you, eh?

Thank you.
-The next screening is ready.

I knew it. No time to even grab a coffee!

Well, off to rescue Italy from another obscenity!

Goodbye.

Who knows what you're liable to see these days, eh?

Unfortunately yes.

Many many things...

Well..once again give my respects

to your charming wife, eh.

And congratulations on your blessed event.

Why "many respects to to my charming wife?" Hmm?

Because I'm taking my leave. Because I'm going. Best wishes, eh.

Excuse me Mr. Tabusso...
-You're still here?

I just wanted to explain that that those cuts

would significantly ruin the film.
-Don't waste your time.

You've the right to appeal and you can appeal. But please,

stop having people call me that..that know you.

Because this kind of pressure, this pushiness

has no effect. It won't change my mind.

Do you understand, dear Director?

No one can change my mind for me!

I'll change it...Tabusso.

Massimo Tabusso here
speaking to you live from Moscow.

Representing the ASCE: Association for Cultural Exchange with the East.

In the festive surroundings of Red Square...

Look at that! That guy, you send him to London,

to Paris...No, with that lisp they send him to Moscow...

Mama please, you're always judging!

Just don't tell him anything.

As if I would.
-At least he's quiet for now.

Erminia!

The film was a co-production.
-Eh?

An Italian-Egyptian film, you understand?

An Italian Egyptian film? How was I to know?

I don't even know what a co-production is!

It's important because you'll be seen in Egypt!

In the full version...Without cuts!

The stain is spreading!

Gildo! -Blessed St. Rita!
How do I control this film?

AN URGENT AND PERSONEL TELEGRAM FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE CENTRE

OF FOREIGN TRADE AND DEVELOPEMENT. WE UNDERSTAND THAT

COMING FROM EGYPT AND THROUGH THE COMMERCIAL DEPARTMENT

OF THE UNITED ARAB REPUBLIC YOU ARE TRANSPORTING 3 CRATES

CONTAINING ALL COPIES AND PUBLICITY MATERIAL

OF THE ITALIAN-EGYPTIAN CO-PRODUCTION TITLED:

"THOR AND THE FOUR NAKED QUEENS." THE CRATES ARE BEING DELIVERED

TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE I.P.E.A.M. FURTHERMORE, IN EXCHANGE FOR THESE FILMS

EGYPT WILL RECEIVE 200 KILOMETERS OF PIPELINE AND 12 BULLDOZERS.

HIS EXCELLENCY THE TRADE MINISTER WANTS TO KNOW

WHAT BENEFIT PROFESSOR BEOZI SEES IN SUCH AN EXCHANGE.

Into the fire with you! Everything!
Filthy film! Burn!

Burn! The photos too!
Burn at the stake! At the stake!

Burn!

Look how shameless she is...

even in the publicity stills.

Out!...The negative! Where is it?
Did they give me the negative?

Photo Studio Nardi...
Piacenza.

Photo Studio Nardi...
Piacenza.

Piacenza! Piacenza Station!
Piacenza! Piacenza Station!

But...Professor Beozi!
-Shhhhh...

Please, don't call my name out loud.

Did you have a good trip?

Unfortunately not. I couldn't sleep on the train.

Oh good. Excellent. Did you bring all my woolen stuff?

Yes, yes.
-The shoes too?

Everything's inside. You're wife prepared it.

She's back at home. She and the baby are well.

Also the velvet underwear?
-Yes yes. Rest assured.

I caught a cold.
A cold, dear Barracchi Croce!

I forgot that the north could be this cold!

I mind my own business. What did you do to your lips? They're cracked.

Cracked? They're only chapped, the wind...

Bless you.
-Terrible, terrible.

Here are the funds.
-Ah yes, thank you.

I entered them under the heading, "Survey of the North."

Of course.
-I don't know if...

No it's fine. Look at me...I'm going mad trying to find...

and I can't find it.
-The receipt.

I can't find those documents.

Your train leaves shortly and I'll say goodbye,

because I've got lots to do.

Goodbye.
-One moment, please.

Important papers need your signature...

Orders?
-Your response to Bulgaria.

Oh yes. That's right. Yes.
-The cement.

No, it's for the oil, here.
-For the financing...

the two billion, I...
-No, I'm telling you..

I almost forgot the suitcase.
-I don't know if it guarantees...

Okay, fine. I'll take a look.
I'll sign.

Don't be irritable.

Here. I also brought yesterday's newspaper.

Here. Done!

What are you doing Professor? You signed the newspaper.

I brought it to you because it features Beozi Guido's latest stunt.

It seems he crossed swords in a duel with his uncle at Villa Borghese.

Really?

Should I make the usual clarification? -Of course. Make the usual clarification.

I'm not sure...should I do it twice?

However you like! Don't complicate my life please!

You're always creating new problems instead of helping me...

Help you? I don't even know what's troubling you these days Professor.

Everything's fine. Just fine Barracchi Croce.
-As you wish. But permit me at least to ask you

to take good care of yourself. Wait, take this.

Take these aspirin every so often.
-Thank you.

Oh. What luck! I have some coco butter for your lips!

I never used it. Put some on!

Yes, I will.
-I'm not leaving until you put some on now.

Everything's fine now Barrachi Croce...just fine.

There is one thing you could do...

Tell me.
-Are you familiar with my church?

Yes..."Our Lady of the Perpetual Cough"

Go to the altar where they honor their vows and put this on it.

Excuse me. It's my very last box of mints.

I tell you I don't know. It's been four days

since I last saw Nardi.
-But at least you know where he went.

They told me he's the co-owner here.

Strictly the lawyer for the business. "Public Relations" they call it.

He comes, he goes. He has no schedule.

Eh...but who sent you here?

The Hotel Concordia. The bartender.

Ahh...You're a friend of Giorgio?

No, but he understood how urgent it was for me to find Nardi.

You understand?

I've been looking for him for days.

If it's about antiques, you can tell me.

It's another one of Nardi's activities.
Very confidential.

Then I'm sorry.

Excuse me but I gather

you also studied in the seminary like I did, true?

So I beg you to help me. Do something.

It's no use insisting.
Apart from the fact that I

was educated in England,
I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know!

And even if I knew, I don't know nor am I authorized

to give you that kind of information.

Nora! Heavenly creature whom I call Hermione.
Goodbye!

Have you come for the iron poker, dear?
-Yes, and the clock.

Fortunate creature that you are.
The clock arrived

just yesterday from London exactly as you imagined

with the four dark balls and the custom made pendulum.

Truly with all it's adornments it could be Victorian.

It gives a certain tone to the mantlepiece.

Unless...unless...unless you don't plan to make

a display of porcelain because then the piece

becomes a bit showy. But you were also talking about

a...pink marble fireplace, right?

But the price...
-Don't worry. You'll love it.

Mister, don't go please. Er...Mister...

...Rossi.
-Um, Rossi..naturally.

So you'd really like to see Nardi?
-If you could.

Perhaps...even this evening, isn't that so?

Thank you. Thank you.

Do you have a car?
-No.

It's a long way, you know?
Look, do this. Around the corner

there's a cab stand. Ask for Bert, he knows the place.

He knows everything.

I'll call him now and warn him, satisfied?

Very kind. Thank you so much.

Mister Rossi!

You have a nice face.

Where is it?
-Over there, speak into the intercom.

Who is it?
-My name's Rossi. I'd like to talk with Mr. Nardi.

Stamen?

Eh?
-Stamen?

No, my name is Rossi. I'd like to talk with Mr....

No!
-May I?

Stamen?
-Pistil.

A good evening sir. Make yourself at home and enjoy yourself.

Your headband, sir.

-Hey Mister! You down below!

Look, are you a stamen or a pistil?

We're ready. Turn on the lights and let's start.

Giovanni come here! I must tell you something extraordinary! Come!

Excuse me, Mr. Nardi please.

I don't understand.

Mr. Rossi! Rossi!

I was just talking about you. My dear shy boy, come over here

so that I can show you around a bit.
In the meantime, this is Angelino.

Yes yes thank you. But I only wanted to meet with Nardi...

Nardi? He's over there. Organizing the Miraculous Catch, up on the ladder.

I must speak to him..I'll be on my way then.
-Look!

There's no hurry, you can hook up with Nardi later.

Please, can you give me your headband? I already used mine!

Yes, yes, take it!
-Thank you dear. Thank you.

I'm only looking for Nardi!
Italo Nardi! Nardi Italo!

The police! The police!
-Stay calm! Stay calm boys!

Out!

All of you out!

You guys up there...Stop!

Turn on the lights!

Where are you guys going! Stop!
Casapore, Corradi..up there! Quickly!

Move it! You photographers, up there!

And to think this is my first time..
-Come on! Hurry up!

Take me with you!
Take me with you!

My father will kill me! Oh Mama, help me!
No photos! No photos!

EVENING EDITION! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
THE DOUBLE LIFE OF PROFESSOR BEOZI!

READ ALL ABOUT IT!

THIS JUST IN
A CLARIFICATION: WELL KNOWN PLAYBOY

ENGINEER GUIDO BEOZI WOULD LIKE TO MAKE
CLEAR THAT HE HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH PROFESSOR GILDO BEOZI AND IS NOT RELATED TO HIM

IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM.

WILLIAM BIG TEETH

Manetti. Audition for the news.
-Second floor.

Thank you.

Spadoni. Audition as a reader.
-Second floor.

De Rita. Audition.
-Second floor.

Good day Miss Germani.

Good day Edward.

Good day.

What are you doing? Are you nervous?
-No.

Yeah a little, you know.

C'mon, it won't be difficult.

Let's hope it goes well.

Of course. I'll come with you then I'm off to Arabella.

Good day Miss Germani.
-Good day.

Good day. Meet my fiancé, Francesco Martello.

Delighted. -Are you also auditioning for the news? -Yes.

He finished near the top among the twelve finalists.

Congratulations and good luck.

We hope to see you soon on video.

With any luck...
-Goodbye then. -Goodbye.

You know everyone here.
-Well of course.

Who was that?
-A big shot. We're good friends.

You never mention me to them?

But dear, here everyone knows

you're my fiancé. It gives you the advantage

over other candidates. You see,

for an important job like this they won't even consider recommendations.

Hello.
-Who's speaking?

The Commitee auditioning candidates for reading the news?

No they're in session. Try again this afternoon.

The Commitee's already gathered.
I don't know if I can disturb them.

Oh yes? -Hello.
-Okay I'll try.

No, now it's impossible. Try again later.

The responsibility of The Commitee, is a sensitive one.

This audition will determine our new reader for the news,

who will appear on video every evening and whose face

is destined to become familiar to millions and millions of people.

Hello. What is it Miss? Yes, but stop bothering us!

Oh...greetings! Greetings Chief!

No. I really don't...
But if you say so,

we'll take it into consideration during our assessment. Regards.

Well then, as we were saying, you must choose the reader for the news

among those twelve still in the race.

And you must choose with the strictest impartiality

regardless of outside pressure and recommendations,

assuming and not taking for granted that they made it here in the first place

based on those recommendations.

What now! Oh no no!

Excuse me Your Excellency, for the love of God!

Definitely! Agreed! It will be judged with the greatest of goodwill.

Was that a command or recommendation?

Tell us Professor, who's got the best connections?

Nobody. They're all out the door,

these guys with the "highest recommendations!"

Except this one...a certain William Bertone.

You think you're smart but you're just

pushy and ill mannered.
-Why ill mannered?

If I may? William Bertone. You are Maestro Luttazzi.

I'm sorry I beat you to the spot.

My compliments Maestro.
-Look at what just happened to me.

Please leave that spot for Maestro Luzzatti.

I'm not leaving anything. Excuse me but where is it written "Maestro Luzzatti?"

Forget it! Who is he anyway, TV?

Find a spot for my car?
-Sure.

What's the singer Milva really like?
-Where are you going?

I'm part of the competition.
-Competition? What competition?

I'm one of the twelve finalists competing

for the job of news reader, if you don't mind, Bertone!

Boh?
-You have an objection?

No, I thought...
-So why did you say "Boh?"

It's a ridiculous comment!
Imagine...Boh!

Maestro Luzzatti, how do we get to this "Studio One?"

I'm a bit lost, eh?

Ah...look, I'm in a bit of a rush to work.
-Gosh! I'm such a big fan of yours.

But your comments are so witty,

do you write them down or just pull them out of a hat? -They just happen.

Where are we today.
-In the Red Studio, ladies.

Thanks.
-It's alright.

Reader's competition for the news.

Finalists on the second floor.

Thanks.
-It's alright.

Coming through!

So dear to me...I can't wait to go back to Paris.

...and to walk arm in arm with you...

on those brightly coloured streets...

so discreet...such wonderful memories...

That little spot on the Bois de Boulogne...

In which we dined on chicken and champagne.

And afterwards we said those words so true...

Oh darling dearest..
I love youuuu.

My compliments sisters. Still the best singers of them all, you two.

Thanks.
-I hope to see you again, no?

Why not?
-Let's hope so.

Thank you. Big kiss.
-Big kisses!

If I may.

Here we are!
If I may? Bertone. If I may? Bertone!

A pleasure.
-A pleasure.

Come on, come on!
-Good morning to all. Here I am!

Here's the test for the Network News.

Ah, thank you.
-And here's the tongue twister.

Very good. Have they started?
-Yes, they're auditioning the fifth one.

And when am I on?
-Name? -Bertone.

You're the last one.
-The last? Better still.

The Gospel says,
"The last shall be the first."

Oh please, who's that guy?

Another contestant. He made the finals with me.

They call him William Big Teeth.

I see that. But how did he get this far?

That's a real mystery.

So? How did it go?

I made a slip of the tongue. I struck out.

Great! And you?

I screwed up the tongue twister.

That damned groat..
-The goat!

Goat! Yes, yes.
-"Under the bench lives the goat."

I'm sorry for them, but that's another two gone.

Better this way boys, the more they eliminate,

the better our chances.

Yes, but stop shouting! Can't you see I'm rehearsing?

Rehearsing again? I know it all by heart.

Doctor Francesco Martello.
-Here I am.

This way please.
-Thank you.

Where to?
-In here.

Does he sound good to you?
To me, no....who is he anyway?

That's Martello. He's highly rated.

Really? He wants to appear on TV with that face?

Auditioning Francesco Martello.
Go ahead.

You can start when the red light goes on.

Good evening. "The British Prime Minister Harold Wilson

arrived today in New York

for a visit which those in American
political circles

attach great importance."

"He departs tomorrow for Washington.

"This morning in the halls of the European Congress

a conference convened on the issues facing animal husbandry."

"The Undersecretary...

His English pronunciation seems good, no?
-Excellent.

...of beef. At the end of the session

the Undersecretary paid tribute

to all the cattle in the room.

I'm sorry...
-This story is starting

to look like a hoax. Sorry.

Really.
-Let's continue with the tongue twister.

Fine.

Under the bench lives the goat...

under the goat, the goat...

Tough luck.

Thank you Dr. Martello.
You can go now.

Thank you.
-He was too excited.

I'd eliminate him.
-Don't exaggerate.

He made the same slip as the others.

Let's wait for the written test, then we'll see. -No no!

Sure, I think he has some good qualities.

It's a waste of time.

Are we agreed we'll advance him?

Advance him to the written test.
-Okay, after all.

Bring in the next one!

Engineer, listen. Turn off the monitor

so we can hear just the voice.
-You're right! -Only audio?

That's better. Then we won't be influenced by their appearance.

The British Prime Minister
Harold Wilson

arrived today in New York for a visit

which those in American political circles

attach great importance."

Nice voice!
-Yes it's smooth, and has substance.

It has a nice tone..warm, friendly.
-Yes, yes.

His English pronunciation is perfect.
-Yes, yes.

Turn on the monitor!

"Rome. The Secretary of the Centrist Group..."

Holy Cow!
-Is that Dr. Jeckyll? Who let him in?

Why? It's not like he has an unpleasant face.

With those teeth? He's liable to give the kids worms!

I don't think so.

This morning in the halls of the European Congress

a conference convened on the issues facing animal husbandry.

17 nations participated

including Poland and Czecheslovakia.

In anticipation of a favorable report

the congress hopes to elevate this issue to the attention of the MEC

The Undersecretary of Agriculture

opened the Convention denouncing

the beef crisis.

At the end of the session

the Undersecretary paid tribute to all

the congressmen in the room.

Now what do we do?

Let's hope he stumbles on the tongue twister, then we'll see.

Fine. Let's move on to the tongue twister.

Okay. Right away.

On top of the bench the goat lives.
Under the bench the goat dies.

Apelle son of Apollo
made a ball of chicken skin

and all the fish came to the surface

to eat the ball of chicken skin

made by Apelle son of Apollo.

Thirty three people are going to Trento

all thirty three are trotting.

On top of the bench lives the goat.
Under the bench the goat dies.

Apelle son of Apollo
made a ball of chicken skin

All the fish came to the surface

to eat the ball of chicken skin

made by Apelle son of Apollo.

Thirty three
-Lower the audio!

To me that guy's a phenomenon!

He's a phenomenon but we have to reject him all the same.

Excuse me but how can you reject him?

He's the only one who didn't make a mistake!

There are telegenic factors we simply can't ignore.

Come on...Excuse me Wollemborg, what do you mean by "telegenic?"

For me a person with a slight physical imperfection

can still be warm..communicative...friendly...

Yes, yes...but this is a major imperfection.

Eh, you're right! It actually is.

Let's do the right thing.
We'll call him in and tell him the truth.

That he's great but has too many teeth for one mouth.

What will you do?
Who's going to tell him?

I'd like to know how they even considered him!

Didn't they look at him?

Yes, I remember seeing a photo.

But his mouth was closed.

Then the whole thing is a swindle!

And now we're in trouble.

Look, let him continue until he slips up, eh?

Mr. Bertone, keep going with the tongue twisters

until we tell you to stop. Thank you.

Okay. Certainly.

On top of the bench lives the goat.
Under the bench the goat dies.

Apelle son of Apollo
made a ball of chicken skin

all the fish came to the surface

to eat the ball of chicken skin

made by Apelle son of Apollo.

Thirty three people are going to Trento

all thirty three are trotting.

On the bench...
-What kind of witchcraft is this?

I don't know!
He's been at it for half an hour!

..all the fish come to the surface

to eat the ball of chicken skin

made by Apelle son of Apollo.

Thirty three people are going to Trento

all thirty three are trotting.

On top of the bench lives the goat.
Under the bench the goat dies.

Apelle son of Apollo...
-Stop! Thank you. You can go.

Goodbye and thank you.

So then.

Do we want to decide?
-Decide what?

Decide to tell the truth! Someone has to tell him!
-Relax! Calm down!

Distinguished colleagues,
let's not lose our heads please.

I don't think that you can just go up to someone

with a physical impairment and brutally tell them the truth

and what's more, reject him for it.
For what reason?

But if we...

If you must tell the truth it's best be diplomatic.

I agree! But who will take on this serious task?

We could send him an anonymous letter.
-Talarico, stop joking!

If you really want, I could take on this thankless task.

Okay, fine. You do it.

But don't make it complicated.
-Not at all.

Give him our decision and tell him the truth.

Dear friends, must I remind you

that the church bids me, on a daily basis, to perform even higher duties.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

If you please, just leave it to me.

Look...

my dear boy, you must realize

that our flaws...and our strengths

are divine gifts.

So when we can't get rid of the qualities we're not proud of

we must accept these flaws with humility.

Of course Father, I know.
-Wonderful.

You see Father, I have a flaw.
-I know, my son.

I mean to say a physical flaw.
-I understand.

Speak freely.

Look here Father...excuse me Father.
Do you see this profile?

Eh, eh...
-You see? My nose dips down.

You can see it clearly in profile.

But who is without flaws, eh?

Even Sophia Loren has a poor profile.
-Who?

Sohpia Loren's nose is awful, in my opinion.
-So what?

Luckily on TV,

I'm full face so nobody would ever know.

I didn't even noticed your nose.

No, no, you can see it plain as day.

Okay, fine. But you have to take a good hard look at yourself.

But I have.

I have perfect pronunciation, without any accent.

I speak eight languages including Arabic and Hebrew.

I recited the tongue twisters perfectly for over a half hour.

Even though they tried to get me to make a mistake, true?

Because they wouldn't notice

the extent of my knowledge from the exam. That's why I'm so good.

You see?
-I see. And in the end I believe

your special qualities should be recognized.

Thank you very much Father.

Choose something certain rather than uncertain. -Okay.

Give up on this television competition and I'll get you

a job as a newsreader for Radio Vatican.

Give up the competition Father?

Thank you. I'm honoured by your offer,

but radio is old fashioned.
It's TV that I'm interested in.

I want to enter the homes of fifty million Italians.

To keep them company while they're eating, while they're reading the papers.

Hey TV! That's where the real popularity is.

Blessed son! Don't you think that those TV antennas

those symbols of pride, of vanity, let's even say

of will power, have made you lose your head?

You know, the sin of pride is the sin of Satan.

The TV antennas? Pride? No Father.

I'm not thinking of TV as the finish line

but as a stepping stone

and when I become really popular

I'm going into journalism, to Hollywood.

Not Hollywood.
-There's no doubt I'll be successful.

I have my future precisely laid out.

Do you understand me..Father?

What can I say Bertone? Eh...Good luck.

I thank you for your understanding Father.

He bit me. He really bit me.

He's really nice, that priest.

Hey, didn't you see I was was parking?

Move your car!
-Of course I saw you.

What are you laughing at?
You behave like a bandit!

Gaia Germani! If I would have seen

that you were on board, I wouldn't have slipped in.

Back up and I'll give you the spot.
-Okay!

Goddamn you! What are you doing?

Franco! You talk like a bellboy!

Shut up you!

Everything's okay here.
Are you hurt?

Can't you see?
He's asking me if I'm hurt.

But it's simply not my fault.

But we weren't moving!
What do you mean?

I warned you I was going to back up.

What warning! You didn't give any time, you coconut!

Anyway I'm sorry, Gaia Germani.
I only wanted to leave you the spot.

You see, someone else wants to grab it.

Hurry up, before that guy screws you.

Get lost.
C'mon. Get in.

Oh this bandage...
-What's wrong?

What's wrong? I'm hurt!
He did that on purpose.

What do you mean on purpose?
You need to wake up.

Your reflexes are slow.

You've made some mistakes...
-Now we're fighting about that?

I'm nervous enough already!

Go on. Give me a little kiss...
Good luck.

I'll wait outside.
-Bye.

Gentlemen, after the reader's test in front of the cam...the...

The telecam.
-The telecam.

The list of contestants has shrunk

and we're down to the last six.

I'm pleased to tell you that you've all done well

in the areas of elocution, speed, reflexes and photogenics.

This morning we will proceed with the written test.

Here is the topic.

Write it down please.

Ready? The topic is:

"England and the European Common Market."

Naturally you're very welcome to make quotations

in English, French, and German.

You have five hours to hand in your report.

Keep up the good work.

Father, please pass me...
-The prayer book?

No, no, no...
-Of course.

Thanks.

Father...what's he doing?
Shorthand?

Excuse me gentlemen but I have something to tell you.

No no Father, you stay here and monitor

with Ms. Campagnoli.
-Very good.

Excuse me gentlemen but sometimes in life

a dose of cynicism is neccessary. Some would say beneficial.

There was no need to make him do a written test.

Who?

Come on Loy, don't make me out to be an ostrich.

But it doesn't matter...
-You're right.

In fact we had decided to eliminate him,

but at the last moment Father Baldini,

lacked the courage to tell him anything.

But you gentlemen don't share similar reservations.

You carry a certain responsibility

to our fifty million viewers.

There's no need to dramatize.
There's six competitors left,

and we have another test where can easily disqualify him.

Gentlemen, one of the competitors has already finished his report

and handed it in.
-May I?

It didn't even take him an hour.
-I know.

Naturally it's...
-The big teeth.

A fine mess!
-We're ruined.

It's outrageous! There are quotes in Arabic, in German...

and even in Flemish! Look!
-He's a phenomenon!

Now I see exactly who I'm dealing with!

Wait, Dr. Calabrese!

Did you withdraw?

No I finished. Do you mind?

Good morning Miss!

Good morning.

Can I help you with anything?

That idiot has the car keys in his pocket.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait a very long time.

But you're here already.
-Ah, yes...I've already finished.

But the topic was complicated and the others will be

at least another four hours.
-Four hours?

If they finish.

And how am I supposed to keep my appointment at the dressmaker?

I don't know...I have my toy car.
Can I take you?

My compliments. You look very elegant.

Thank you.

You smell so nice.
It's Cabochard, right?

Good guess.

Where to?
-Fabiani.

Unfortunately mother's illness kept me

from fullfilling my lifelong dream.

Today I'm making up for lost time.
Cigarette?

Thank you.

I have the energy and imagination of a youngster

and the experience of a man.

Don't you smoke?

No. These are only for my good friends.

Is this the style you wished to see, Miss?

I find it very chic. Do you like it William?

Oh yes, it's stunning!

What lines...Just look at the cut!

I think it's a Balenciaga from last year.

What are you saying! They're all originals!

Isn't it true you don't carry any Balenciaga?

In fact we based it on a Balenciaga style.

Really? How on earth did you know that?

Oh, once in a while I leaf through the fashion magazines.

I very much like the clothes and whoever is inside them.

The other one seems more suitable for you Gaia.

May I call you that?

For a slender figure like yours

it's young and sophisticated at the same time.

Yet completely original in it's simplicity.

You're right. You have fine taste.
Are you perhaps in the trade?

No...but I would have liked to very much.

So you'd advise me to get that one?
-Yes Gaia.

I'll try it on now.
-I'll wait right here.

They gave you a ticket?

Yes. Give me a moment?
Excuse me officer...

I bet you know some big shot.

No. I had to cite the High Court ruling

of February 8th that stipulates the right of a citizen

to park a car the wrong way

provided pulling in and out

doesn't affect the flow of traffic.
He had to agree with me.

You're amazing! You know everything!

I like to know the things that showcase my talents.

I'll win the TV competition on my own merits.

You're so sure you'll make it?

After the written test today, it's in the bag.

You see, there!

What are you doing?
-There's a white horse.

Martello Francesco
Singuzzi Giovanni
All others are eliminated.

I turned in my work first, I quoted in various languages, the others wanted to copy off me.

You have to give me a reason for being eliminated.

Let's talk to Professor Cutolo.

Let's see what he says!
Where to?

Upstairs.
-Upstairs, fine.

From the top. Go ahead.

Sorry everyone! Anyone here see Professor Cutolo?

You crazy jerk! Didn't you see the red light?

Yes, but I'm looking for Professor Cutolo.

Who gives a flying fig about that!

We're recording!
Now get lost, please!

Sorry to disturb Maestro Trovatoli.

I thought you were some northerner.
Well done anyway.

Excuse me pretty babies!

Have you seen Professor Cutolo?

Look it's Big Teeth!

Who's inside there?
What's going on this morning?

It's Big Teeth entertaining the dancers.

Ahhh, I have to free myself from that Big Teeth.

Otherwise I'll go crazy!
I'll go crazy!

He's could create a real scandal!

He invited two journalists and a photographer as well.

You're the Committee that examined him

and you'll take responsibility for this case!

Now tell me...what official justification..

What justification? Excuse me, have you ever seen his face?

If you want to know the truth

someone needs to tell him.

His mouth should be reason enough!

Enough of your fantasy!

You saw him and gave him a TV audition,

with his obvious physical flaw,

and now we can't get rid of him because his exam was perfect!

Like I was saying, he's a phenomena.
-Don't exaggerate!

Give me a break, Father!
And get a hold of yourself.

What have I got to do with this?

You were supposed to convince him and didn't do a thing.

It's not so simple...the poor wretch.
-Oh please!

To get rid of him just because of those teeth!

Hold on gentlemen. Let's not argue among ourselves!

It's not a question of arguing.
-No!

We need to find an official reason.

What do you mean "official?"

An official, legal loophole.

And where will you find one with a guy

who passed with flying colours?

May I? You want a loophole?

Yes.

Legal? Here it is. This clinches it.

It's not that I reject the rejection itself.

I'd just like to know the specific reasons.

Excuse me Mr. Bertone but have you already passed the video test?

With flying colours!

That was a mistake.

Mistake? How?
-No, I was talking to..

Here you are. Good day Mr. Bertone.
-Good day.

If you'll come with me, Professor Cutolo is waiting. -Thank you.

You're from the Press, right?
-Yes.

You come too. You'll hear the official statement.

Come on.

Thank you Professor.

Your welcome Miss.

May we?

Come in, come in.

Oh, you guys too. Fine fine.
Have a seat. Have a seat.

I've just finished speaking to the Committee

who have supplied me with the neccessary clarifications.

Mr. Bertone has unfortunately been eliminated

because his application arrived on the 2nd of April.

Two days after the deadline

for accepting all applications.

Look here...

Read it...even the Press should be satisfied.

Okay Professor.

Everything's clear now.
-May I?

Can we take a picture?
-Please, please.

If I may, Professor?
-By all means.

So you say it's not a question of ability?

Absolutely not! You were very capable...

Incredibly capable. The young man is amazing!

He knows seven or eight languages.

English, German, Spanish, Arabic, Hebrew.

You're too kind Professor.
-No, no...for goodness sake.

What's true is true. You would have won for sure.

Really?

Of course! Unfortunately we find ourselves

against a bureaucratic wall. As I said,

it's only because this application arrived two days late.

You heard?

That's all there is to it?
-The only reason.

May I Professor?

The application was sent special delivery on the 29th.

If there was a postal service delay, it's not my fault. Here..the 29th.

May I Professor? Please.
-Thanks. Can we take a photo?

That's what we're here for.

So now you'll re-admit him?
There you are.

What can I say?
Anyone can make a mistake.

I thank you for your concern.
-You're welcome.

I'm counting on your support in the final exam.

Yes, yes, just go now.

Thank you. My respects Professor.
-Let's go.

Talarico is that you?

We've fallen into a beautiful trap with no escape.

The application was postmarked the 29th!

You're asking me?

You should have done another video of him.

Now there's only the oral test.

You have to ask him hard hard questions.

He must fail! Give him trick questions,

but be careful because he's diabolically cunning.

This is no laughing matter,

because we're down to the last three finalists. Okay, fine.

So now, Mr. Martello,

we'll ask you a question that we've already

put to your colleague Singuzzi.
In the jungles of the Amazon

there exists a city with a German sounding name,

that's very important in the harvesting of rubber.

Tell us it's name.

Sorry, but with this blow to the head,

I can't concentrate.

It starts with an M..
-Man...

No hints, please! -Okay.
-Manhaus

He's supposed to know!
-Manhaus!

Okay, let's try another question.

Tell us the names of the tributaries of the River Jordan

within the borders of Israel.

Yes...from Lebanon it becomes the Hasbany River and from Syria

the Rivers Dan and Banjas.
-There's one more..

And...
-There's four!

Yes, one more...

Oh, sorry. The Yarmuk!

Bravo! Bravo! Wonderful!

We have no more questions to ask.
-No.

Thank you.
-Thank you. Good day.

And now there's only Big Teeth left.

Who wants to test him?

Not me. -Nope.
-Me neither.

Let's not make this too complicated!

In fact you don't have to say much!

Ask him any question you want!

We certainly can't subject him to an audience

of fifty million Italians, with a face like that!

Here, my friends, is where we bring him down!

Which means that if you can't ask him that question

then I will!

Go ahead.
-I'll do it!

Usher! Show him in!

Come in.

With your permission.

Good day to you all.

I've already had the pleasure of knowing you through TV,

and in person but I haven't yet shaken your hand,

except for Father Baldini.
If you'll permit me?

Miss Campagnoli.
-Good day.

Doctor Talarico.

My respects, Father Baldini.
-Hello dear boy.

Congratulations Mr. Nanny Loy on your investigative report.

It was convincing.

Mr. Wollemberg, you're the only foreigner that I know

that speaks Italian well.
-Thank you.

Have a seat.
-I certainly will.

Sit down.
-That's very kind, thank you.

So, let's start with an easy question.

Thank you Dr. Talarico.

The city of Manhaus.

Is it in East Germany or West Germany?

I get it, gentlemen. You've set a trap for me.

Don't comment Bertone, just answer!

The city of Manhaus is located in neither East Germany or West Germany.

It's located in Brazil.

Specifically in the Amazon. It's nearly a ghost town

that once saw major development in the 1800's

that is to say during the era of rubber.

Until an Englishman named Harold Franklin

stole the first seeds to grow on plantations in Malaysia.

That's enough. Bravo, bravo!

Thank you Mr. Wollemborg.

He's exceptionally well prepared!
-Yes, yes....Bravo.

And now a little question, without tricks but more complex.

The tributaries of the River Jordan that enter Israel, which are they?

Hasbany, Dan, and Banjas.

You're mistaken! I'm sorry my good man but you made a mistake!

Because the number of tributaries that run through Israel are four!!

You forgot the Yarmuk River!

I think you're confused Dr. Talarico.

The Yarmuk River no longer runs through Israel.

What do you mean it doesn't run through Israel, hold on!

Let's take a look on the map right now.

Come with me for a second and have a look.

Now then...

There it is. The Yarmuk River.

Sorry, Dr. Nanny Loy but what year is the map from?

Let's see...

The map's from 1960.

You see? It's out of date.

Why out of date?

Because in 1961 the government of Jordan

diverted the course of the Yarmuk to irrigate the Jordan Valley water system,

in breach of an agreement

previously agreed upon by three Arab states in 1955.

Talarico, you said it was a hard question

and yet we're the ones who fell into it!

I asked a question based

on one of our maps.
-Okay.

If the river doesn't exist anymore, there's nothing to discuss.

And how do you know it no longer exits?

He said so!

And we should believe him instead of the map?

Why are you losing your temper over such a small thing?

Why not just call the Geographical Society!

Hello? Switchboard? The Geographical Institute please. Quickly.

Now we'll see who the imbeciles are!

How is it possible that we don't know whether a river exists or not?

You...how do you explain this, engineer?

For me it exists. It's marked on the map and it exists.

Anyway, we're in contact with the Syrian government.

But he said they violated the treaty.

It's Israel that should have the information.

Call the Israeli Embassy!

I'm calling. Hello!

Israeli Embassy?
Press Office.

We'd like the up-to-date information

on the Yarmuk River.

Hello!

It no longer exists!

The Ministry of Tourism has announced

that despite generally adverse weather conditions

the influx of tourists visiting Italy

has increased 12.83% in the last quarter,

over the same period last year. New York:

He's good that one with the teeth, eh?

Yeah, yeah. He's good!

Here's your coffee.

Today from Fiumicino Airport

Gina Lollobrigida, the famous movie star, departed today

for Mexico City to take part

in the Acapulco Film Festival.
Cape Kennedy:

Ladies and gentlemen...good night.

Here he is.

Here I am little sisters!
A little kiss?

Were you waiting long?

No! Two minutes.
-One for each of you!

Where are we going?

Let's go eat, dance, and a drink at my place.

Wonderful?
-Wonderful.

~For us the night is young...
it's just beginning.

~There's plenty of time to dance...
and plenty for singing.

~If the day just took too long...
the night will fly.

~For us the night is young...
it's just beginning...

~What are we waiting for?
Come on let's dance.

~Sooner or later...
we'll make romance.

SUBTITLES by MOVIOLA...