I Married a Vampire (1987) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

How are you, sweetheart?

Hello, dear.

What's so terrible?

We hear our daughter's gotten married,

so we fly in to see her to meet the new husband.

What's so bad about that?

And we have to hear from your sister Beth.

Couldn't you at least have called?

Couldn't you have at least waited before you

came and spoiled everything?



So you drink now.

You didn't used to drink when you lived at home.

Why did I tell Beth?

She always tells you everything, even if she

swears she'll keep it secret.

Now, don't blame Beth.

We forced her to tell.

We threatened to cut off her allowance until she did tell.

So do you have room for us at your husband's place,

or do we have to spend money on a motel tonight?

No. No.

No. No.

No.

After I finish this drink, I'm going



to take you to the airport, and you're on a plane

back to Grinnell, Iowa.

Morris, where did we go wrong?

For 21 years we take care of her without a hint of trouble.

And all of a sudden, she's turned into a rebel.

She's worse than Jane Fonda.

You took care of no one.

There are so many things in this life

that you can't possibly understand.

Just a minute.

I have an article in this magazine

about rebellious daughters.

A doctor wrote all about it, a book.

Here.

I want you to read that.

Now.

There are things in this world that you

can't read about in "Time," "Newsweek," or "TV Guide."

I know, but they're in "Playboy."

They're not in there either.

What is the matter with this boy that you

don't want us to meet him?

What is he?

Is he ugly?

Is he stupid?

Is he poor?

Do you remember when I was 11 years old,

and I used to take little slivers of glass

and cut my fingers so that the blood

would drip into my coffee?

Yes.

The doctor said it was perfectly normal.

You were just trying to get out of going to school.

No.

Not to get out of going to school, but to hurt you.

So you marry this ugly, stupid fellow without a penny

to his name just to hurt us.

Ha.

No.

You know what I did to hurt you?

You want to know?

You've got to know.

Well, you've come 2,000 kilometers to know.

Let me tell you.

I married a vampire.

I'm going to drive you back to the airport,

or I'm going to take you to a motel

and you can fly home tomorrow.

DORIS: Viola, aren't you acting a little immaturely to

a simple visit by your parents?

MORRIS: We came to see your husband,

and we're not going back until we do.

I'll drive this car over if you say one more word.

You're making me nervous.

I need my B-complex.

Ma, I'm going to kill us all in five seconds.

You don't need your B-complex.

Doris, don't start taking those vitamins.

You know, how upset she gets when she sees you doing drugs.

Why'd you refer to me as "she"?

I'm sitting right next to you.

Normal people do not call people sitting right next to them

"she."

Morris, I told you we shouldn't come.

You know she doesn't want us here.

Why don't we go home?

What?

We waste over $400 on plane tickets,

then we don't get to meet the schnook that she hooked.

No.

Oh.

She does not want us.

What are we supposed to do?

Kill ourselves for her?

You don't earn money, so you don't

know what $400 is these days.

Ah.

Now, look what you did.

[DISTANT HOWLING]

Why was I not made of stone like thee?

Now, she's going to kill herself.

She's crazy, just as I said.

You said that she-- she'd be glad to see us.

That she's-- she's a bride now.

She's mature now.

She must be happy.

Well, she must have married a real character.

All right.

Cut the melodramatics.

We'll go home.

But I'm not going to give her that $500 wedding present.

No.

Don't go.

I want you to meet him.

First, let me tell you about him.

I want to tell you everything.

The sun's almost down.

I think sunset is the most beautiful time of day.

For it heralds the coming of the cool, refreshing night.

VIOLA (VOICEOVER): I'll start at the beginning

when I first arrived here.

You remember I worked for three years

cashiering at that lousy supermarket

until I'd saved up $3,000.

After I left home, you can imagine how excited

I was to be in a new city.

It's new.

It's all new, and anything is possible.

Nobody knows you.

You can be anyone.

I could make up any personality in history I wanted.

I was free for the first time in my life.

Free.

I got a map and walked everywhere just

to find where things were in relation to each other.

Every minute, I expected someone to come up and say,

"Hi, you're a stranger here.

Aren't you?

Let me show you around."

But nobody did.

Actually, someone did say something.

Hey, sweetheart.

You know how to get to Fire Avenue?

No.

I'm new here.

But I have a map.

What did you say the name was?

You don't understand, baby.

I want to put you on Fire Avenue.

Here's the map.

You'll find it.

Haven't you ever heard the song "Fire Avenue"?

No.

-You want a ride someplace? -No.

I'm not going any place. -Fine.

Get in the car.

Are you crazy?

I don't even know you.

Come on.

We'll go for a ride.

We'll get to know each other.

[HONKING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

VIOLA (VOICEOVER): After four days of walking,

I became depressed.

I sat alone in my room for three days,

thinking melancholy thoughts.

I decided to look for an apartment.

You're not going to find anything for $300 a month.

But I may be able to help you.

OK.

Here we are.

Something very special.

Come right in. This way.

You'll see.

Huh, huh.

All right.

Huh?

Oh, not to worry, little lady.

We'll screw that in later.

You know there's some construction outside.

Everything will be fine this afternoon.

Listen.

I got a couple of other people very anxious to find a place,

uh.

They'll be coming by in about an hour, you know.

I'd like to hold it for you, but-- nice, huh?

Cozy.

It's-- it's too small.

Too small?

For $400 you're not going to get anything bigger.

Not here, lady.

Not in this town.

-$400? -Yeah.

You know, I got a couple of people coming over

in about an hour, you know.

And they're very anxious.

They're really looking for a place.

Now, I held them off, because I knew you really

were looking for a place.

But you know, I can't hold them too long.

Well, I have to live someplace.

$400.

OK.

Now, there's a $400 deposit.

And I got to have $200 for a finder's fee.

But I'm not charging you anymore than that.

OK.

So that'll be a $1,000.

$1,000?

That's right, darling.

Not bad, huh?

VIOLA (VOICEOVER): That day, I bought a bed,

some chairs, a table, a dresser, two glasses,

dishes, forks and knives.

It wasn't much, but I was ecstatic to be

in my own apartment at last.

[MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY]

It was around 10 o'clock when the music started.

Do you have any water?

The water keeps going off in my place.

Water?

I love water.

The earth is mostly water.

Our bodies are mostly water.

Yeah.

I love water.

Our pipes are hooked up to the club.

Whenever a lot of people piss in the club,

our water pressure goes down.

That's how you know when there's a good band playing.

I mean when there's a good band playing,

people don't go to piss.

They watch.

So when my water runs, I go to the club.

I see.

When there's a good band playing, we get water.

How often does a good band play?

Hm.

Every two or three months.

I'm not staying here.

Just buy water like that.

How much is it?

It's only $1.41 a gallon.

I'm not staying here.

Is that aspirin or something unnatural?

Aspirin.

You got anything unnatural?

What's unnatural?

You don't have anything.

Jeez, this place is empty.

You need a stereo.

I can get you one cheap, $50.

No, I'm not staying here, and I can't afford to spend more

money, not until I get a job.

You know what I do?

Guess it.

You're a stereo salesman.

I'm a poet.

You like poetry?

Yes.

In fact, I was just reading Shakespeare's sonnets.

I don't read poetry.

I mean if you read poetry, then you

just copy the stuff you read.

I'm original, spontaneous, as in spontaneous busting.

I like that, spontaneous busting.

Boom.

All of a sudden.

You mean spontaneous combustion.

Not busting.

[GIGGLE]

Don't take my words from me, man.

Words are all I got.

I would like to read your poetry sometime.

What's your name?

VIOLA: Viola.

(SINGING) Oh, how I would love to hold her.

You know her name's Viola.

My friends call me V.

(SINGING) Her friends call her V, but I just

want her to be in love with me.

I write song lyrics for rock bands.

I got paid $500 for the one I wrote last week.

VIOLA: What's your name?

(SINGING) My name's Portia.

I don't come from Warsaw.

My name's not Marsha.

You better not cross her.

My name's Portia.

I got paid $100 for that one.

My name really is Portia.

You're a little strange, but I like you.

I'm sorry I'm not staying.

If you stay, we'll be best friends.

OK.

I'll stay.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[VOLUME INCREASING]

It's got to be this one.

Look at all the lights and buttons.

It's unnatural.

You said yesterday you could get me one for $50.

You didn't move fast enough.

I can't afford this.

Listen.

If I'm going to lend you my records,

you're going to have to get a decent stereo.

I mean it doesn't make sense to ruin

good records on a junky system.

I can't.

Is that the way you treat your best friend?

Man, I tell you what to buy, and you don't even to listen to me.

You shouldn't smoke that.

It's bad for your health.

Don't take my drugs away from me, man.

Drugs are all I got.

[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Mm.

Listen to this.

This is unnatural.

Doesn't it thrill your guts?

Yeah.

It's unnatural.

I'm bored.

Let's go someplace.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHATTER]

[CLAPPING]

Hello.

I remember you.

Don't you remember me?

No, I-- I don't.

Remember.

We were talking about the women's situation

in Central America last month.

No.

I wasn't here.

Oh.

Well, what's your opinion about it?

What's my opinion on what?

Well, what's your opinion on me?

You have nice eyebrows, like James Dean.

Well, you have very sensuous lips like Katherine Hepburn.

Like a dripping ice cream cone.

Like a hydrogen bomb on a sunny day.

Like a dead baby at a picnic.

He has to come along and wreck everything.

Portia, darling, are you still writing your poetry

on the bathroom walls?

Where's your girlfriend Judy tonight?

Well, it's getting a little crowded at this table.

Why don't you come over to my table?

She likes the atmosphere here better.

Yeah.

I like the atmosphere here better.

[SCOFFS]

I'll introduce you to everyone in the band.

I know everyone.

I just want to meet the lead singer.

He's a good friend.

He'll give us some unnatural stuff.

I'm nervous.

I've never met anybody before.

Be cool.

Don't act like a frump.

[KNOCKING]

I'm here.

Portia, I told you, if you come back around here again,

I'm going to have to bounce you.

Now, get out of here, you frump.

Probably a new guy.

Didn't recognize me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I was 15 when my old man tried to make it with me.

That's when I split from home.

That was 11 years ago.

I'm 22.

And this is the first time I've lived away from home.

What are your parents like?

Morris and Doris, what are they like?

They're jokes.

I mean their idea of a good time is to go to the movies.

I like movies, but only 3D ones.

They like Hollywood type movies.

You know, the kind where boy meets girl, boy loses girl,

boy finds girl.

I like movies where boy meets four girls.

Boy cuts throat of four girls.

Boy meets fifth girl, and fifth girl cuts throat of boy.

I hate gory movies.

They make me sick.

There's a great double feature I'm

dying to see, "Revenge of the Crazed Psycho"

and "Blood Butcher's Massacre."

Let's go tomorrow.

I-- I can't.

I wouldn't like them anyway.

Besides, I have to look for a job.

I'm running low on funds.

What time are you going to be back?

About 6:00 or 7:00.

All right.

Catch you then.

Hey.

Thanks.

I'm always forgetting these.

Hello.

I'm-- I'm calling about the job you

had advertised in the paper.

MAN (ON PHONE): Nothing here.

Try again late December or January.

[DIAL TONE]

Hello, I'm-- I'm-- I'm calling about the ad you had for a job.

WOMAN 1 (ON PHONE): Sorry.

I took the last one yesterday.

Hello.

I'm calling about the job you have advertised in the paper.

WOMAN 2 (ON PHONE): Eh, forget it.

[PHONE RINGING]

JOB APPLICANT (ON PHONE): Hello.

I'm calling to see if you still have the waitressing job open.

Oren told me-- -No.

I think you have the wrong number.

JOB APPLICANT (ON PHONE): Oren told me to call.

Is this 254-9368?

9367.

JOB APPLICANT (ON PHONE): Oh, thanks.

Why not?

Hello.

I'm-- I'm calling to see if you still

have the waitressing job open.

Oren said to call.

MAN 2 (ON PHONE): Nah.

We ain't got no more waitressing jobs.

But if you're one of Oren's chicks

you can, uh, come work for me personally, you know.

[LAUGHING]

Thanks

Did I forget to lock it?

He says he doesn't want to see you.

Is that clear?

Did you tell him I've got some unnatural stuff for him?

Portia, where's my stereo?

I swear to God.

It didn't take it.

I found these.

And you didn't leave them last night.

And you were the only one who knew I wouldn't be home.

I don't have it.

Give it back.

I can't.

I sold it.

Why did you steal it and sell it?

I have a bad habit.

How much did you get for it?

$50.

Portia, we just bought yesterday for $500.

If you had told me you needed money,

I would have given you the $500.

I didn't know.

Where's the $50 then?

I got this with it.

You traded my stereo for that?

I'll share it with you.

I don't want any.

But after a day like today, I might need some later.

PORTIA: (FAR AWAY) You know, it's-- it's not like

you're the only person I hurt.

I hurt myself too.

It's not like you're the only person I hurt.

I hurt myself too.

I had to sell my stereo five years ago.

See, I'm-- I'm in a bad situation.

I didn't really sell a song last week.

The only song lyrics I ever sold was two years ago,

and I only got paid $40.

I can't talk to you now.

I'm too upset.

I can take the noise.

I can even take being without water,

but I can't take the rats.

Lady, is this your name on this lease?

Then, he said there was nothing I could do about it,

because I already signed.

Nothing you can do, huh.

Well, we'll see about that.

You've got a case here.

Now, he didn't tell you about the music.

Right?

No.

LAYWER: And he didn't tell you about the water and the bugs.

No.

No.

Well, this guy's nothing more than a scoundrel and a

cheat, and I wouldn't worry.

We'll get your money back.

Thank you.

Thank you.

No problem.

Look.

Justice doesn't allow for this unfair advantage.

And it doesn't permit this abuse of human rights.

Thank you.

You're wonderful.

Viola, I'm going to take your case.

However, I'll require a small retainer.

$400.

$400?

LAYWER: Mhm.

SALESMAN: Would you like to be happy?

What do you want?

Would you like to find true bliss and happiness?

That sounds OK.

Most people don't believe this, but if you can write your name

you can be happy.

Can you write your name?

Yeah.

That's something I can do.

Sign here, and you've taken the first step on the road

to happiness.

I am attending this free introductory lesson

of my own free will and choice.

It's a legal formality.

We try to bring people happiness,

and they accuse us of brainwashing.

Who are you?

We're MBC.

NBC?

No, MBC.

M as in Mohammad.

We're followers of his spiritual holiness,

Mohammad Buddha Christ.

I'm not religious.

SALESMAN: What are you afraid of?

It's free.

What have you got to lose?

That's true.

What have I got to lose?

We are very honored to have with us here today

the son of our most sacred spiritual leader.

He has often spoken to hundreds of thousands

of devoted followers in India, but today, he's

taking time out of his busy schedule

to speak with you fortunate few.

Let us welcome him with a warm round of applause.

Moses Krishna Mohammad Buddha Christ.

[CLAPPING]

Today, our lesson is in God and fate.

Our spiritual master, His Grace, Mohammad Buddha Christ,

teaches us to trust in fate.

Think of the wonders of fate.

Why, only today, a complete stranger

stopped you on the streets, and you trusted him.

You are now on the road to true happiness

and spiritual enlightenment.

[CLAPPING]

There were many people who did not take his hand.

They have lost out, because they refused

to simply trust in fate.

You people of the West, you think

you've accomplished something great with your science.

But what has science given you?

Nothing.

Nothing but headaches.

And what have you lost by believing in your science?

Only your faith in God.

Our Holiness, Lord Shri Mohammad Buddha Christ, he himself once

believed in Western science until one day

the spirits of Mohammad, and Buddha, and yes,

even Christ appeared to him and told him the truth.

Only if you believe, can you find truth.

You cannot know the truth as Westerners say, it

must be experienced directly.

Our civilization in the East is thousands of years older.

You must respect your elders, and you

must believe in the old ways.

All the problems of today, nuclear bombs, war,

drug addiction, all these are because you

have turned away from the wisdom of the ancients.

All that is all you must do.

Simply wear our amulet, and nothing bad can happen to you.

I thank you.

[CLAPPING]

In my travels, I have learned the answers to all questions.

Are there any questions?

I have a question.

I want to know why you brainwash innocent young men and women,

why you starve them, and you don't let them sleep

until they submit to your will.

My dear child, we do not starve our people.

For without food you cannot think.

If you cannot think, you cannot trust.

The basis of our religion is to trust in fate.

You're a fraud.

Excuse me.

She is lost.

She shall wander, but she'll be found.

If you liked what I said, then sign up for our course today.

I don't know.

Did you like it?

Yes, it was wonderful.

I felt so alone when I came here tonight,

but now I feel a spiritual wholeness.

Crumbs.

Crumbs, my dear.

That is all you experienced today.

To have the full cake, you must take the full course.

And if you sign up for the full course today,

we will give you the amulet that protects you

from all harm and a free copy of Mohammad Buddha

Christ's new book of prayers.

I don't know.

Let me think about it.

No.

Do not think.

You cannot think the truth.

You must experience it.

Here.

Keep this whether you decide to come back or not.

It will protect you if you believe strongly enough.

OK.

I'll take the course.

[CLAPPING]

Wonderful.

You won't regret it.

There is a small fee of $600.

$600?

Why, this is merely a contribution to show

your faith and seriousness.

Why, how else are we to judge whether you're

prepared to marry God than by this small dowry we require?

But I'm kind of low on money.

$600 is all I have.

Viola, my foolish, poor child, do you expect

to find God without sacrifice?

Hey, honey.

You know how to get to Fire Avenue?

You asked me that a few days ago.

So what?

I ask a lot of chicks that.

You want to go for a ride?

Before I was afraid.

Now, I am under the protection of Lord Mohammad Buddha Christ,

and nothing can happen to me.

You will drive me home, and I will tell you how

you may find true happiness.

That's what I want, true happiness.

It has been only a few hours since I left this apartment,

yet my life has been so transformed that this place

seems a different world to me.

You forgot to lock the door.

No.

There is no need to lock it, for I have nothing to fear anymore.

Now, we will pray together for 10 minutes.

Then, what will we do after we pray.

There's no need to lock that.

After we pray, you will go home,

and I will go to sleep for I am very tired.

I have a better idea.

I know your better idea.

But my Lord Mohammad Buddha Christ

teaches that marriage is the only state

where our transitory temples of our souls may meet.

GLUTTONSHIRE: Who's the best lover you ever had?

I said, who's the best love you ever had?

You are, Mr. Gluttonshire.

You are.

So now, what's the matter?

Everything's wonderful.

I don't have a job.

I don't have any friends.

My stereo's been stolen.

I gave the last of my money away to a ridiculous religious cult.

And I've just been raped.

Everything's just the way I'd always hoped it would be.

Turn off your tear ducts, honey.

I'll give you a job.

Viola, it's not important.

Leave it.

Don't work so hard.

I want to make a good impression.

If you're smart, you'll leave like I did after six months.

Why are you leaving?

The work is dull, repetitious, and boring.

The pay is poor.

And the boss is a beast.

Hello, Viola.

I hope Olivia is doing a good job teaching you the ropes.

Yes, sir.

Do you like your new position?

I love it, Mr. Gluttonshire.

I can't thank you enough.

I-- I really appreciate it.

Ah.

That's a good girl.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

I'm just a clumsy oaf, a dumb bunny,

a nitwit, a jerk, a fool.

I'm sorry you'll no longer be working for us, Olivia.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

When I think I'm only going to be working for you for two

more days, I get real sad.

How do I clean this?

Leave it.

Come sit down.

Do you like yogurt?

They say people in the Soviet Union

have lived to be 160 years old by eating yogurt.

Is that yogurt?

Yeah.

A special homemade kind.

My brother Robespierre makes it from a secret recipe.

He says it keeps him young.

How old is he?

He says he's over 160.

Hm.

Try some.

Do you like it?

No.

I-- I guess I'm just depressed today.

Doing an exciting, fascinating job like this,

how could you get depressed?

You're lucky.

You're leaving in two days.

I don't know how long I'm going to be here.

Hey, you want to go to a movie?

That's what I do when I'm low.

Yeah.

I like movies.

What kind do you like?

I don't like movies with horror and violence.

Neither do I. I hate them, the ones where the women are

always getting axed or knifed.

They're so repulsive.

VIOLA: What shall we go see?

Here's a movie page.

Oh.

Sorry.

Let's just go to the nearest movie theater.

Come on.

Let's get changed.

Can we leave just like this?

The best thing about a bad job is you

don't worry about losing it.

Ever bother you working in a such creepy place

alone at night?

No.

I like creepy places, creepy things, creepy people.

This theater's really nice.

They play art films.

I like art films.

I don't want see them.

They must be art films.

"Blood Butcher's Massacre" and "Revenge of the Crazed Psycho"

are art films?

You can't judge a movie by its title.

Couldn't we go to another theater?

OLIVIA: This is the only theater in this neighborhood.

I think I'll go home.

All right.

You really think they're art films?

That's all this theater ever plays.

Well, we could see one, and if it's good,

we'll stay for the other.

You're on.

My treat.

Thank you.

[SCREAMING]

I thought they were art films.

I thought the first was disgusting,

but the second was so grotesque.

As soon as the razor cut the woman's eye,

I knew it wasn't an art film.

I'm still depressed.

Now, I feel like vomiting.

ROBESPIERE: "Time is out of joint.

Oh, cursed spite that ever I was born to set it right."

[CHIMES]

How are you today, darling Robespiere?

Not well I fear, my dear Olivia.

The treatments are not working.

Viola, I have someone I want you to meet.

Robespiere, this is Viola.

She's taking over my old job.

Viola, this is my brother Robespiere.

The historian.

Enchante.

Robespiere has a blood disorder.

He has to have transfusions periodically.

What is it?

It's a dreary subject really.

I prefer not to talk about it.

So Olivia, how was your work this evening?

We skipped out.

We went to the movies.

ROBESPIERE: Oh, and you didn't invite me.

Well, I would have, darling Robespiere,

but we ended up at one of those dreadful horror movies.

The kind you detest.

Mm.

Yes, I seem to remember fainting in the theater

upon seeing "Nosferatu."

OLIVIA: Actually, I thought there were a few clever scenes

in the movies we saw.

Were they talkies?

Of course, silly.

Robespiere only likes silent film.

I think film lost so much of its charm and expressiveness

when it started to talk.

I've never seen a silent film.

Oh, what a pity.

Then, you've never seen Chaplin, or Keaton, or Eisenstein.

[BURP]

Excuse me.

Where's the bathroom?

OLIVIA: Right this way.

Talkies.

All movies are talkies nowadays, silly boy.

Broken mirror.

Blood transfusions.

I bet those guys are vampires.

I better get out of here.

Hey, we were just thinking.

It's awfully late.

Why don't you spend the night?

No, thanks.

I really have to get back.

OK.

I'll call you a cab. -Oh.

No thanks.

I'll walk.

I love walking at night.

You live four miles from here.

I'll-- I'll jog.

I jog four miles every day.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

Oh yeah.

It was-- it was really shocking-- I mean surpris--

I mean nice to meet you.

See you tomorrow at work.

No.

You can't have it.

It was a gift from my parents.

Only seven more hours.

I'm counting the hours to my release.

I feel like I've been in prison.

What are you going to do?

Tomorrow night I fly to Hungary.

I have old friends there.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yeah.

Do you know anyone name Portia?

Yeah, I do.

OK.

Send her up.

I just thought of something funny.

What?

Last night, I was a little drunk from the beers.

And after those movies we saw, boy, I

was really in a strange mood.

I got a really strange idea in my head.

What was that?

I thought maybe Robespiere, or maybe even both of you,

were vampires.

[LAUGHING]

Boy, you sure do get drunk.

Because my parents never let me drink at home.

Make sure it's only five minutes.

OK, lady.

And for Christ's sake, don't take anything.

I have to talk to you privately.

Don't ask me why.

It's a matter of life and death.

I need $100.

I can't.

I only have $50 left.

And I need it.

I'm your best friend.

No.

You're not.

You lie and steal from me.

You said instead of stealing I should

come to you if I needed help.

Now I've come, and you won't help.

I can't.

(SINGING) She was a friend until a friend was needed.

Then, you should have seen the way I was treated.

It mattered not how much I begged and pleaded.

I'll write a check for half, $25.

Thanks.

It'll help.

Sometimes, we're forced to do things by circumstances

beyond our immediate control.

OK.

Your five minutes are up.

Boy, this job really is like prison.

Want to share my French bread with me, honey?

[KNOCKING]

VIOLA: Come in.

Where's the computer you stole last night?

I didn't.

Where's your friend Portia?

I don't know.

Did the two of you plan it together?

Look, Mr. Gluttonshire, I swear to you--

No.

I swear to you nobody cheats on me.

Where's Portia?

I don't know where she is.

But-- but if you give me a little time.

I'll find out.

And if she did steal a computer, I'll get her to give it back.

Either you bring it back tonight,

or pay me the $1,200 it costs.

(SINGING) Fire Avenue.

I want-- I want to take you to.

Where's the thing you took?

Did you tell on me?

No.

But they know about it, and they're

going to arrest you and me.

Where is it?

I sold it.

For how much?

For $80.

$80.

The thing was worth $1,200.

So what?

I'm not a good business woman.

We're going to be put in prison.

Don't worry.

I'll clear you.

You got a quarter?

I think I can break 800,000.

She just doesn't have it anymore.

There's nothing we can do.

I'm a nice guy, but she's going to jail.

And you're going to testify against her.

No, I won't.

Look, Mr. Gluttonshire, Sometimes,

people do things by forces beyond their immediate control.

I want my property back, and I don't

want to hear anything else.

Look.

Your company made $14 million last year.

The thing was only worth $1,200.

Couldn't you forgive and not press charges, the way

I forgave you for raping me?

First, I give you a free ride home.

Then, I make love with you.

Next, I give you a good job at fair pay,

and what do you do in gratitude?

You steal my property and accuse me of raping you

so that you can blackmail me.

It's not true.

You belong in jail, and I'll make sure you get there.

In the meantime, you'll work 12 hours a day

so that you can earn back the money you owe me.

[SLURPING]

And now, you owe me a milkshake.

This is outrageous.

And blatantly illegal.

Today's Friday.

I'll get a quote for you on Monday to let

you back into your apartment.

How's that?

What will I do 'til Monday?

Go to a motel.

I can't afford it.

Look.

I know a cheap one for $20 a night.

I only have $9 left.

Can't you go to your parents?

No.

I'm afraid that leaves us with a problem.

See I'm going to require another $200

in addition to the $400 you gave me.

I can't.

I'm afraid I can't continue to pursue your case

or represent your interests.

Well, what about justice and human rights and everything

you were talking about last night?

Look.

The legal system needs money to operate properly.

Here.

Take my money.

I just want justice.

That's not enough.

I'm sorry.

[KNOCKING]

Is Olivia here?

No.

She left for the airport an hour ago.

Thank you.

Would you care to come in for some tea?

I want to die.

[LAUGHING]

Death is no comedian.

Death is no hollow jest.

Nature plays no practical joke.

How do you know about death?

I gaze at the dark remoteness of my own death

and have heard my death sentence pronounced by a waterfall.

You make death sound romantic.

No, it's not.

I actually took those lines from a friend, a philosopher

I once knew, Ludwig Feuerbach.

Did your friend tell you what death is?

As in the beginning, you existed only

in the consciousness of others, so at the end

you again exist only in their consciousness.

Can I live forever?

Acknowledge death not only as the real and true end

of your existence, but as the true and real beginning

and ground of your existence.

For your existence is possible only together

with the condition of your death.

One cannot live without death, and to live

forever is not to live at all.

Strange.

I see your reflection.

Why strange?

I thought vampires didn't have reflections.

I don't know about vampires.

But I have reflections on many things-- life, death, and love.

What are your reflections on life?

Whose life?

Mine.

My life, my stupid, boring, meaningless

existence that I hate.

What do you hate about your life?

My name is Viola.

Sometimes, I think it's short for violate,

because everyone violates me.

You must struggle to stop it.

I don't know how.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

How old are you?

160.

Wow.

Where did that come from?

Would you put it on?

It's not my style.

In our lives, we try on a succession of styles,

and so evolve one which we might call our own.

You're an historian.

Yes.

And I've been a Shakespearean actor.

I've been many things.

Aren't we all?

You're a Shakespeare actor?

Would you recite something for me?

"When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,

I all alone beweep my outcast state and trouble deaf heaven

with my bootless cries, and look upon myself, and curse my fate.

Wishing myself like one more rich in hope.

Featured like him, like him with friends possessed,

desiring this man's art, and that man's scope.

With what I enjoy most contented least.

And yet, in these thoughts myself almost despising haply

I think on thee.

And then, my state, like to the lark at break of day arising,

sings hymns at heaven's gate.

BOTH: "For thy sweet love remembered,

such wealth brings that then I scorn

to change my state with kings."

I feel so strange, like someone completely different.

I told you we often change with the styles we try on.

You're so sweet and gentle.

[GROANING]

Leave me.

"Tis now the very witching hour of night

when churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes

contagion into the world.

Now, could I drink hot blood and do

such bitter business as the day would quake to look on."

Go!

They've taken everything from me-- my hope, my belief,

my trust, even my body.

All I have left is my life.

That I give to you.

It isn't much, but that I give to you.

Excuse me.

Would you like to be happy?

Yes.

Would you like to find true happiness and inner peace?

Yes.

Most people don't believe this, but if you can write your name,

you can be happy.

Can you write your name?

Is this your boyfriend?

Well, sir.

How would you like to be happy?

I want my money returned.

Viola.

You look changed.

Why didn't you come to our seminar series?

You paid for it.

You would have learned so much.

I would have learned nothing.

I want my money returned.

You signed our release.

You signed of your own free will.

You know that's true.

Fraud, give it back.

Can we step over here please?

Look.

Right here.

In the agreement you signed, it says

that if you fail to show up for any of the lessons,

you will not get a refund.

That's as clear as the sun.

I don't care.

I need my money back.

God needs it more than you do.

That's the truth.

Your whole truth and religion is

nothing more than an elaborate money-making scheme.

Blasphemer.

You've been possessed by a wicked demon.

You will live your life in pain.

Die in misery and be damned to eternal hell

for your evil lies.

But you will never get your money

back as God as my witness.

There's nothing more we can do.

Let's go.

Get lost, buddy.

You're bad for business.

VIOLA: Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

[THUD]

Oh, uh, didn't even see you come in.

Kiefer, the landlord, right?

Yes.

LEACHMAN: Glad you could make it.

As I spoke to you on the phone, my client, your tenant, Viola,

uh, is upset about the fact that you evicted her.

Now, uh, she's planning on suing.

But I think I can talk her out of it.

Now, I think uh-- I think if you give me $400 compensation

for my troubles that ought rectify the situation.

What do you think?

For $200 we can discuss a price if you like.

Would you like a piece of gum?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Get-- get away!

[SCREAMING]

Oh, hey, Larry, the cripple and his mother are out.

And a girl is out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's Kiefer's Condos now, huh.

Uh, listen, Larry.

I gotta go now.

Yeah.

I got some people here. Yeah.

Talk to you later.

All right.

What do you want?

I want my money returned, and the key to my apartment.

Police, yeah, listen.

I got a couple of troublemakers in my office here.

Hey.

I don't want any trouble.

I just want my things back.

Yeah. Yeah.

OK. Hey, no trouble.

No trouble. Hey.

Keys.

Huh.

Money, just a second.

Hey you.

[SCREAMING]

Good evening, Viola.

Good evening, Mr. Gluttonshire.

Mr. Gluttonshire, I have something I want to show you.

GLUTTONSHIRE: Let it wait until tomorrow.

I'm in a hurry.

This won't wait.

It must be now.

So what'd you want to show me?

Come my lover, I want you now.

You're disgusting.

You're filthy with dirt.

I wouldn't touch you.

When you wanted me, I had no choice.

Now, I want you.

You're sick.

[TYPING]

Who's the best lover you ever had?

Who's the best lover you ever had?

GLUTTONSHIRE: I'll get you for this, Viola.

Excuse me.

I nearly forgot.

I owe you a milkshake.

[GASP]

[WHIMPERING]

Hey, I got great news.

I just sold a book of poetry for $5,000.

I just need $20 to close the deal.

Really.

That's all I need.

You will not steal from your friends anymore.

All right, I won't.

You will not lie to your friends anymore.

Not anymore.

All right.

Uh.

I'm sorry.

I think I missed something.

You were talking about how you learned

hypnotism during your travels through Europe.

Never mind.

It's a dreary subject.

Let's talk about something else.

I have an interesting subject.

What is it?

Actually, I have two interesting subjects.

Vampires and marriage.

Which one shall we discuss first?

Vampires.

Vampires come in all shapes and sizes.

Some vampires can see their reflections in glass,

and some can't.

Vampires live a long time, but they don't live forever.

I love movies with vampires.

VIOLA: Some movies with vampires are very bad,

and some very good.

Some vampires are very bad, and some very good.

Where did you learn so much about vampires?

I went to Unholy Cross University, where I majored

in dead languages, but the atmosphere there was so grave

that I Transylvaniaed right to Nosferatu Dame,

where I got my Draculaureate.

And, uh, what do you know regarding

the subject of marriage?

Some marriages are very good, and some very bad.

Portia, we're getting married today.

We want you to come along and be our witness.

That's unnatural.

VIOLA (VOICEOVER): After the wedding, we went to the movies.

[LAUGHING]

That's it.

That is it.

I can't believe it.

I really can't believe that.

Oh, oh, you seriously can't expect

us to believe any of that.

[LAUGHING]

Oh boy.

DORIS: Oh my dear.

VIOLA: I want you to meet him now.

Can you believe it?

She goes away for two months, and this

is what happens to her.

Unbelievable.

We should send it to a magazine.

I want you to meet him now.

Viola, it's late.

Maybe we should wait for tomorrow.

We can go back to the airport hotel and--

and come back in the morning.

I want you to meet him now.

Well, perhaps, Doris is right.

After all, we're tired from a long plane trip.

I'm sure we'd make a better impression

after a long night's sleep.

After all, we want to make a good impression

on our new son-in-law.

We want to start things off on the best foot possible.

I want you to meet him now.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[DORIS SCREAMING]

[MORRIS SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]