I Married a Strange Person! (1997) - full transcript
A newlywed develops a strange lump on his neck that gives him the ability to transform people or objects at will. His wife is very upset. Meanwhile, the CEO of Smilecorp learns of this man and his ability and sees a way to achieve world domination if only the man can be taken alive.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
(WHISTLING)
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ We bring smiles across the nation ♪
♪ We bring smiles to young and old ♪
♪ We smile all day though it's cold ♪
♪ So lift your hearts and sing our song ♪
♪ If you're with us, you can't go wrong ♪
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ Happy to bring you mirth and elation ♪
♪ Mirth and elation across the nation ♪
♪ Mirth and elation across the nation ♪
(BOTH MOANING)
(LAUGHING)
(COW MOOING)
(DOG BARKING)
(JACKHAMMER POUNDING)
(SQUEAKING)
(GRANT SCREAMS)
(WEDDING PROCESSION MUSIC)
Well, back to work.
(MOANING)
(GIGGLING)
(GIGGLING)
(PENCIL SHARPENER BUZZING)
You know I love you, but I've got
to finish this Beckerman account.
(MOANING)
(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)
(SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC)
(HORSE WHINNIES)
(MOANING)
How about one of your hot kisses?
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Let me look into your bedroom eyes.
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm trying to sleep here!
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
(MOANING)
(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)
(THUDDING)
- Oh, Grant, you're awfully big.
In fact, you're very, very big!
(SCREAMING)
Mother, you won't believe...
The phones dead.
(SCREAMING)
♪ I'm so happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy ♪
[WOMAN] Oh, hello, darling.
-Hello, sweetie.
-Come in, sweetie.
[KERI] Mother, Grant is
not the same man I married.
He's changed.
[MOTHER] Your father
and I never approved of Grant.
You could do better.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(FATHER BREATHING HEAVILY)
[KERI] Mother, some very strange things
have been happening.
[MOTHER] You know men.
They have certain needs.
[KERI] No, I mean really bizarre things.
[MOTHER] Oh, it's gotten that far?
(CLOCK TICKING)
(FATHER BREATHING HEAVILY)
(HUMMING)
[KERI] Soup's on!
Dear God, thank you
for this bountiful food
that graces our lovely table.
I realize you didn't actually plant
and fertilize this delightful meal.
And don't forget your
shipping and your distribution.
Then you got your packaging
and your advertising.
Then those fucking sale
taxes, Jesus Christ!
Those goddamn clowns in Washington!
Always gouging the fucking middle class.
I swear, I'm gonna get my gun
and kill those motherfu...
Amen! (SLURPING)
Could I please have the salt?
(THUMPING)
(ALARM WAILING)
We try to keep this house as clean
as possible. Otherwise, we get bugs.
Oh, Mother!
Bugs?
Those ugly, dirty creatures.
(SCREAMING)
[BUGS] Buggy, buggy, buggy.
Buggy, buggy, buggy. (SCREAMING)
Mother, are you okay?
(MOTHER PANTING)
(GRANT HUMMING)
We don't approve of that
kind of music in this house.
Music?
(RAGTIME MUSIC)
Ooh.
(SCREAMING)
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
You, young men are my top talent.
SmileCorp needs you.
So I've asked you here to present
your new shows for the upcoming season.
My show is the ultimate in high art.
Roll the tape.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC)
(BURPING)
Hmm.
(BUZZING)
(THUMPING)
(GROANING)
My idea is very revolutionary.
It's called World Class Amoeba Wrestling.
(GROANING)
Uh, I have a wonderful idea for a show.
Called, Rocks in Love.
[MALE ROCK] Hey, how about a kiss?
[FEMALE ROCK] I'm not that kind of rock.
(GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
I've got it!
The Belching Amoeba Rocks in Love!
[ALL] Brilliant, brilliant!
[MAN] He's a genius!
Hey, Grant, how's it hanging?
It's a great day for cuttin' grass!
Woo, look at me!
(LAUGHING)
Hey, check it out!
Woo!
Look, Ma, no hands!
Yee-haw!
-[GRASS] Hey, Bud!
-Do you mind?
Look at what that maniac is doing
to my brothers and sisters.
Why do you people spend hundreds of
dollarson fertilizer and plant food on us?
And then perform horticultural genocide?
If we were bigger, you
wouldn't be doing this to us.
(SCREAMING)
I'm gonna kill you!
Cut you up!
(GRASS CHEERING)
[GRASS] Push him back!
Push him back, way back!
Push him back, push him back!
Way back!
Cut the human, cut the human!
Cut the human!
Cut the human, cut the human!
Cut the human!
Poke his eye, poke his eye!
Poke his...
(GRUMBLING)
[GRASS] Yeah, I'm gonna
kill ya, I'm gonna kill ya!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[GRASS] Bash his head!
Bash his head, bash his head!
Bash his head, bash his head!
Mulch the dude, mulch the dude!
Mulch the dude!
(GRASS CHEERING)
Grant, save me!
Grant, help me!
(LAUGHING)
I'm really sorry about all that,
but its been a very weird day for me.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(NEIGHBOR DIALING PHONE)
[NEIGHBOR] Hello, operator?
Get me the Jackie Jason show.
My neighbor, Grant, he has
some amazing magical powers.
(KERI SOBBING)
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
[KERI] What's wrong with Grant?
Did he enroll in magic school?
Or is he some kind of superhuman?
(SOBBING)
Grant, what's happening to our marriage?
You're so different.
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
(SOFT MUSIC)
Listen, Keri.
I don't know why I'm so
weird, but when we took
our wedding vows, we
promised unconditional love.
If you got fat and wrinkled,
I'd still love you.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(KERI SCREAMS)
Grant, Grant, save me!
(SHRIEKING)
(GASPING)
Grant, save me!
Grant, save me!
Get it down from me!
Grant!
Grant, save me!
Grant!
(SCREAMING)
Get away!
Get down, get down!
(SCREAMING)
(SOBBING)
See, I still love you.
Love makes problems disappear.
♪ Would you love me if
I forgot your birthday ♪
♪ And gave your shoes away ♪
♪ Refused to shave ♪
♪ Would you love me if I blew up a deli ♪
♪ Got a big fat belly ♪
♪ And became real smelly ♪
♪ Would you love me if I wore a tutu ♪
♪ Rode a kangaroo ♪
♪ With a beehive hairdo ♪
♪ Would you love me if I put a big rock ♪
♪ In the toe of your sock ♪
♪ And forced you to walk ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I'm crazy about you, babe ♪
(WHISTLING)
♪ Don't you leave me, sweetie ♪
♪ I'm coming right away ♪
♪ Would you love me
if I was big as a whale ♪
♪ Grew a great green tail ♪
♪ Left slime like a snail ♪
♪ Would you love me if
I took off my clothes ♪
♪ Stuck a garden hose way up my nose ♪
♪ Would you love me if I
had a hundred fingers ♪
♪ And they were all singers ♪
♪ And were out of key ♪
♪ Would you love me
if I followed the fad ♪
♪ Dressed like a shad ♪
♪ And blew your dad ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Crazy bout you, babe ♪
♪ Don't you leave me, sweetie ♪
♪ I'm coming ♪
♪ Right away ♪
♪ Would you love me if I
took a big old chainsaw ♪
♪ Into bed with us ♪
♪ And started that sucker up ♪
♪ Put on the ski mask
and got all hog-wild ♪
Hello!
Come on over, baby.
(OPERA MUSIC)
(MOANING)
[KERI] Grant, stop this right now.
Damn it, Grant!
When we have sex, I want you
to have it with me alone!
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
(RUMBLING)
Grant!
Stop this, right now!
[OLD WOMAN] They're not up there anymore!
(MOANING)
(INTENSE MOANING)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
Oh, Edgar.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
[NARRATOR] Here he is,
the toast of Hollywood,
Jackie Jason!
Hey, do we have a show for you tonight.
The ever-popular Solly Jim,
fresh from his big smash week in Vegas.
And Grant Boyer, a
sensational young illusionist.
Hey, how bout that mess in Washington?
Crazy stuff, huh?
Wow, Solly Jim!
I wish my wife were here to
meet you, but she's leaving me.
She thinks I'm a nutcase.
God, what is happening to my life?
You seem depressed, Grant.
[GRANT] It's a mess!
I'm at the end of my tether.
-(SOBBING) Oh, God.
-Oh, God. Look at that.
You know where that stuff comes from?
Well, it all starts when you
wear a tight-collared shirt.
The shirt depresses your
Adam's apple until you yawn,
which allows sunlight to
hit the back of your throat.
A patch of tiny hairs
grow there, that eventually
becomes a hair ball
that falls into the stomach,
where it rolls around, and exits
through the stomach escape-hatch.
The mix of hair and gunk
flows into the small intestine,
where it tickles the sensitive
walls, and is ejected at the speed
of sound and hits the rib cage,
which aims it at the belly button.
If the velocity is sufficient,
it squeezes through the
bounce off your shirt, and
gets lodged in the belly button.
And they found eight
chickens in his pants.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Here he is, folks, Mr.
Vegas himself, Solly Jim.
How do you tell when you're
at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake pops out of the babe!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Did you hear about the artist
with a bad case of psoriasis?
He asked the model to come
up and see his itchings!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(YAWNS)
Boy, this is a tough audience.
My career is over if I don't
get a laugh on this next joke.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Here's my impression of a sock.
(LAUGHING)
My mother always warned me
about playing with myself.
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, fella, how about a little head?
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
(CHEERING)
Yeah, baby!
You!
Hey, Solly, I like the
new direction in the humor.
Now get your bloody head off my couch.
[MAN] Mr. Boyer, you're on.
What do you think, kid?
[GRANT] Glad I could help you out.
Was that your doing, kid?
God bless you.
You saved my career.
If you need anything, give me a call.
Just remember, kid, if you
see someone without a smile
just give 'em one of yours.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
[MAN] You've got a nasty boil here.
That won't do for national TV.
Here's our next guest, Grant Boyer.
I hear you do illusions.
Well, uh, I guess.
Well, I guess.
Can you turn this glass into a...
Huh?
Turn it into a pen.
Well, thanks for joining us, folks.
Tomorrow night, we have Sean Young and...
(RUMBLING)
Whoa!
[MR. GILES] Colonel,
did you happen to see
the Jackie Jason Show?
Well I've asked you here for
a very important mission.
[COLONEL] Yes, Mr. Giles.
See this man?
I want him, get him.
Colonel, that was just the
image from the projector.
I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but we need this man alive!
Gimme!
No, no!
No, no!
No, no, no.
(SOBS)
I want my gun!
Give me my gun!
I want my gun!
[MR. GILES] Very well.
Now take this.
Colonel Ferguson, get me that man.
Honey, I'm home!
Honey!
Honey, did you see me on TV?
Honey.
Ker?
Keri, honey.
Honey, don't you love me?
Boo-boops.
Cutesy-wootsy face!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
♪ How'd you get to be so cute ♪
♪ Did you buy it like a suit ♪
♪ Were you hoppin'
shoppin' boppin' moppin' ♪
♪ Ooh, were you spendin' lots of loot ♪
♪ How'd you get so cute ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so hot ♪
♪ Did you pop out on the spot ♪
♪ Or did you sow it, mow it ♪
♪ Blow it, show it, grow it ♪
♪ Ooh, like a crop ♪
♪ How'd you get so hot ♪
♪ And the beauty that is you ♪
♪ Oh, I love it so ♪
♪ I've been lost in your dream world ♪
♪ That's why I wanna know, yes ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so buff ♪
♪ I wanna eat all your stuff ♪
♪ Were you bakin' shakin'
makin' flakin' cakin' ♪
♪ Baby, I'm in love ♪
♪ How'd you get so buff ♪
♪ How come you're so much fun ♪
♪ Honey, baby, you're no nun ♪
♪ You're so nervy, curvy, swervy ♪
♪ Oh, please shoot me with a gun ♪
♪ How's you get so fun ♪
Keri, please let me in.
We can work this out.
I just wanna hold you.
[KERI] What's with Grant?
Is he a robot?
Or maybe the antichrist?
Go away, Grant!
You're a very strange person!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
[JERRY] I hear you do illusions.
(GILES MOANING)
[MR GILES] Hmm.
Ah.
Oh!
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy ♪
What?
Oh.
Hmm.
Oh, I see.
(GILES GROANING)
[MR. GILES] Aha!
(GRANT MUTTERING)
So that's his secret weapon.
Yeah, right.
Keri, I think I found out
where my weird powers came from.
Are you Mr. Grant Boyer?
Could you come down for a chat?
We saw you on TV.
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ We bring smiles across the nation ♪
♪ We bring smiles to young and old ♪
♪ We smile all day though it's cold. ♪
[COLONEL] You're quite
a remarkable talent.
Are you coming along quietly,
or do I have to get rough?
[GRANT] Well, gee, I don't know.
I really should check with my wife first.
We're newlyweds.
Gotcha!
(FLY BUZZING)
Fire!
(GUN SHOTS FIRING)
(BIRD CHIRPING)
[KERI] Or maybe, he's a space alien.
Or a religious messiah.
Hey, you guys, cut that out!
(FLIES BUZZING)
Keri, Keri, please let me in!
Ker...
Oh, Keri, oh, Keri.
[KERI] Oh, no.
It's worse than I thought.
He's working for the government.
Try your magic now, Mr. Boyer.
(LAUGHS)
Take him away.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
He's getting away!
Fire!
Colonel, why did he get away?
And what about our tank battalion?
They're occupied, sir.
Occupied?
Mmm, doing it.
[MR. GILES] Doing what?
[COLONEL] Well, sir,
you know, the in and out?
[MR. GILES] Well, tell them to stop it.
Have you ever tried to tell
a 50-ton tank to stop having sex?
Find him or else!
(PANTING)
(BELL DINGS)
Welcome to Glass Land.
You're my first customer.
Hello?
Welcome to Glass Land.
You're my first customer.
It's our grand opening.
(SOFT PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(GASPING)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(REGISTER RINGS)
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
(PANICKED SHOUTING)
Phew!
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(REGISTER RINGING)
(EXPLOSION RUMBLES)
(BELL DINGS)
(PANTING)
Have you seen a guy, oh.
[GRANT] There he is.
My favorite rhododendron bush.
[GRANT] Behind the burro!
My terra-cotta burro.
[GRANT] Get him!
My elf on a mushroom ornament.
[GRANT] Over there!
My pissin' bumblebee fountain.
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
My ducks-plucking -elf-eyes birdbath. No!
My leaf blower!
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
♪ Sometimes in the evening ♪
♪ When shadows start to fall ♪
♪ I find myself wondering ♪
♪ Did we ever love at all ♪
♪ But then I go back ♪
♪ Through faded photographs ♪
♪ I wonder if our love
was meant to last ♪
(PANTING)
[KERI] I've got to find my husband!
Let the woman go.
She's not a prisoner.
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪ (DOORBELL RINGS)
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy ♪
-Oh, hello, darling.
-Oh, Keri.
Are you okay?
Come in, darling.
(KNOCKING)
[GRANT] Solly, Solly, are you in there?
Let me in, Solly.
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
[GRANT] Solly, let me in.
[NARRATOR] Welcome to How
to Make Love to a Woman.
Undressing your mate is
a very delicate matter.
It must be done subtly,
yet with authority.
I recommend the diversion technique.
Hugging and caressing
are intensely exciting
to the frauleins.
And when done properly, can leave a
lasting impression
on the affaire du coeur.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(GUN SHOTS FIRING)
[GRANT] Hmm, that gives me an idea.
(EXCITING MUSIC)
Aha!
(LAUGHING)
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
(SMACKING)
(ENERGETIC MUSIC)
(LAUGHING)
[NARRATOR] The nipples.
Oh, the nipples.
Just a light touch with the thumb
and forefinger, and they stand erect...
-Oh, God, Jesus!
-Alone without shame. Wow, that hurts!
Proud to show themselves off to the
world, as if to say to anyone around.
-Oh, boy, my eye.
-Here I am.
Fondle me, kiss me.
Love me, caress me.
Take me to the heights
of sensual ecstasy.
Exotic accessories are
a very important aspect
to proper mating.
They insure that the male
is appropriately excited.
Such things as spiked
heels, fishnet stockings and
tassels add an exotic and
forbidden aura to the sex act.
Be playful.
Have fun with them.
That's what they're for.
They help spice up the
sensual feast of pleasure.
(CHORUS MUSIC)
Now that the preliminaries
are out of the way,
the mood is set.
It's now time for the ultimate act,
the supreme gift of oneself to another.
[SOLLY] Keep your shirt on, I'm coming.
Grant, my boy!
I've gotta use your phone.
Some army is trying to kill me.
And Keri thinks I'm from Mars.
So, are you married?
Keri is almost divorced.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
[GRANT] Let me talk to Keri.
I know she's there.
Oh, its you, well.
It's Grant!
My, aren't you impulsive!
[GRANT] I'm so depressed.
My marriage is over.
(SOBBING)
You know where tears come from?
When the eye sees something
sad, really sad, tiny light
balls travel to the brain
through the optical canal.
The brain heats up and
releases sad little flakes.
They fall through the sadness
artery into the heart.
The heart, heavy from these
brain flakes and bodily fluids,
falls, whomp, onto the bladder,
which sends a microscopic wave
to the upper part of the body.
Some goes to the mouth
and causes a frown, and the
rest goes to the brain,
which is hot with sadness.
The fluid hitting the hot brain
produces condensation on the cranium's
surface and it slides down an exit
through the eye opening as tears.
You see this bump?
It gives me these super powers.
But now that I'm with you, I'm safe.
(PHONE RINGING)
[SOLLY] Mr. Giles, he's here.
You want me to bring him in?
(BEEPING)
You've found him?
Yes, he's where?
Mmm, what's your hurry, big fella?
I love a man in uniform.
Something about slimy scales
really makes me moist.
Mmm, do you like french kissing?
[MOTHER] Oh, aren't they cute?
(MOANING)
[MR. GILES] Colonel, where are you?
We're waiting.
[MOTHER] She can get a divorce.
So can I!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
That's a nasty bump on my head.
I'll have to use medication
on that for sure.
Then my hair will fall out, so I'll have
to use hair tonic and then hair remover.
And I'll flake, so I'll
have to use a salve.
And my pores will open up, so
I've gotta apply body ointments
and skin creams, and I'll
bloat and my skin will fall off.
Oh, boy.
Scabs and pus all over the place,
and my face will turn into
jell-o and I'll break out.
Please, please, please.
Help!
Thanks, Grant.
[MR. GILES] Don't be so naive, Solly.
Just because you brought
Mr. Boyer in, you thought
someone of your minuscule
talent could have his own show?
[SOLLY] Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah, funny boy?
Not so fast, or I pull the trigger.
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
Okay, this is getting us nowhere.
Let's all drop our guns on three.
One, two, three.
Come on, we must trust each other.
One, two, three.
Okay, I'll drop mine first.
Come on, guys.
Let's shake and let bygones be bygones.
(BUZZING)
(SCREAMING)
At last, to be the funniest man
on the face of the earth.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
So this guy walks into a
bar with a duck on his head.
Bartender says, what'll you have?
So the duck says...
Get this. (LAUGHS)
Well, he split a gut
on that one, Colonel.
The lobe, please.
Now I can set the world right.
Now for some throbbing military power.
Whoa, whoa.
Oops, oops, whoa, oops.
Whoa, whoa, oops, oops.
Wait, this is too bulky.
All I need is destruction
at my fingertips.
Make way for the doctor of destruction.
All this destruction
is making me excited.
I gotta pee.
(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)
Uh-oh.
I've got to think of a better...
Ah!
At last, my communication
network is complete.
Okay, world, here comes
the new Larson P. Giles!
Send in the nurse.
Hmm.
[SMILEY] Maybe it
needs a little pressure.
[MR. GILES] All right, fun's over.
Give me the lobe.
(ENERGETIC MUSIC)
(SCREAMING)
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ We bring smiles across ♪
[SMILEY] Kill the fuckers!
Kill the fuckers!
Kill the fuckers, kill the fuckers!
(SCREAMING)
(SOFT MUSIC)
They're getting away!
(SCREAMING)
[GRANT] Keri, why did
you come back to save me?
Like you said, love is forever.
Besides, it was great sex.
[GRANT] But I'm so weird.
[KERI] Oh, shut up and kiss me.
[GRANT] Hey, it's our
friend the caterpillar!
Thanks for the help!
(ENGINE CRANKING)
Hey, you!
(CAR ALARMS BLARING)
[MAN] Thanks, Mac.
(TIMER BEEPING)
Shh.
[MR. GILES] Send in more troops!
♪ We bring smiles across ♪
(SOFT PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I just love convertibles.
(ENERGETIC MUSIC)
Hey, slow down, will ya?
Watch the corners.
Someone could get hurt.
Let's rope and ground us a Heifer!
Yee-haw!
Ride 'em, cowgirl!
[FERGUSON] We need help.
Send in the super gun.
Send in the super gun.
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
Oh, the super gun!
Oh, no!
We gotta get out of here.
It's the super gun.
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die!
Let's get out of here!
It's the super gun!
Ah, the super gun!
(SHOUTING)
(ENGINE CRANKING)
Lock on target.
ELEVATION: 536.29.
LONGITUDE: 239.7.
Do it.
Commence countdown.
(TIMER BEEPING)
It's not too late, Grant.
Give up the lobe.
(ENGINE HUMS)
Give up the lobe, Grant.
Give up the lobe.
(TIMER BEEPING)
Fire!
[GRANT] Hold on!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
♪ How'd you get to be so cute ♪
♪ Did you buy it like a suit ♪
♪ Were you hoppin'
shoppin' boppin' moppin' ♪
♪ Ooh, spending lots of loot ♪
♪ How'd you get so cute ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so hot ♪
♪ Did you pop out on the spot ♪
The lobe!
(ANIMALS SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(TELEGRAPH BEEPING)
[MAN] What the hell?
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
It's working!
Complete global communications!
I can control everything!
I can't be stopped now!
(DOG BARKING)
[GRANT] My huggie lamb.
(KERI GIGGLING)
Huh, poopsie-woopsie?
My pookie pants.
[MOTHER] Grant, I take it all back!
Will you forgive me, Grant?
(GIGGLING, MOANING)
[GRANT] What's happening, Keri?
[KERI] I've been watching
a lot of TV lately.
♪ How'd you get to be so cute ♪
♪ Did you buy it like a suit ♪
♪ Were you hoppin'
shoppin' boppin' moppin' ♪
♪ Ooh, were you spendin' lots of loot ♪
♪ How'd you get so cute ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so hot ♪
♪ Did you pop out on the spot ♪
♪ Or did you sew it, mow it ♪
♪ Blow it, show it, grow it ♪
♪ Ooh, like a crop ♪
♪ How'd you get so hot ♪
♪ And the beauty that is you ♪
♪ Oh, I love it so ♪
♪ I'm lost in your dream world ♪
♪ That's why I wanna know ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so buff ♪
♪ I want to eat all your stuff ♪
♪ Were you bakin' shakin'
makin' flakin' cakin' ♪
♪ Baby, I'm in love ♪
♪ How'd you get so buff ♪
♪ How come you're so much fun ♪
♪ Honey baby, you're no nun ♪
♪ You're so nervy, curvy, swervy ♪
♪ Ooh, please shoot me with a gun ♪
♪ How'd you get so fun ♪
(EXPLOSION RUMBLES)
(GUN SHOTS FIRING)
(WHISTLING)
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ We bring smiles across the nation ♪
♪ We bring smiles to young and old ♪
♪ We smile all day though it's cold ♪
♪ So lift your hearts and sing our song ♪
♪ If you're with us, you can't go wrong ♪
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ Happy to bring you mirth and elation ♪
♪ Mirth and elation across the nation ♪
♪ Mirth and elation across the nation ♪
(BOTH MOANING)
(LAUGHING)
(COW MOOING)
(DOG BARKING)
(JACKHAMMER POUNDING)
(SQUEAKING)
(GRANT SCREAMS)
(WEDDING PROCESSION MUSIC)
Well, back to work.
(MOANING)
(GIGGLING)
(GIGGLING)
(PENCIL SHARPENER BUZZING)
You know I love you, but I've got
to finish this Beckerman account.
(MOANING)
(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)
(SOFT ROMANTIC MUSIC)
(HORSE WHINNIES)
(MOANING)
How about one of your hot kisses?
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
Let me look into your bedroom eyes.
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm trying to sleep here!
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
(MOANING)
(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)
(THUDDING)
- Oh, Grant, you're awfully big.
In fact, you're very, very big!
(SCREAMING)
Mother, you won't believe...
The phones dead.
(SCREAMING)
♪ I'm so happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy ♪
[WOMAN] Oh, hello, darling.
-Hello, sweetie.
-Come in, sweetie.
[KERI] Mother, Grant is
not the same man I married.
He's changed.
[MOTHER] Your father
and I never approved of Grant.
You could do better.
(CLOCK TICKING)
(FATHER BREATHING HEAVILY)
[KERI] Mother, some very strange things
have been happening.
[MOTHER] You know men.
They have certain needs.
[KERI] No, I mean really bizarre things.
[MOTHER] Oh, it's gotten that far?
(CLOCK TICKING)
(FATHER BREATHING HEAVILY)
(HUMMING)
[KERI] Soup's on!
Dear God, thank you
for this bountiful food
that graces our lovely table.
I realize you didn't actually plant
and fertilize this delightful meal.
And don't forget your
shipping and your distribution.
Then you got your packaging
and your advertising.
Then those fucking sale
taxes, Jesus Christ!
Those goddamn clowns in Washington!
Always gouging the fucking middle class.
I swear, I'm gonna get my gun
and kill those motherfu...
Amen! (SLURPING)
Could I please have the salt?
(THUMPING)
(ALARM WAILING)
We try to keep this house as clean
as possible. Otherwise, we get bugs.
Oh, Mother!
Bugs?
Those ugly, dirty creatures.
(SCREAMING)
[BUGS] Buggy, buggy, buggy.
Buggy, buggy, buggy. (SCREAMING)
Mother, are you okay?
(MOTHER PANTING)
(GRANT HUMMING)
We don't approve of that
kind of music in this house.
Music?
(RAGTIME MUSIC)
Ooh.
(SCREAMING)
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
You, young men are my top talent.
SmileCorp needs you.
So I've asked you here to present
your new shows for the upcoming season.
My show is the ultimate in high art.
Roll the tape.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC)
(BURPING)
Hmm.
(BUZZING)
(THUMPING)
(GROANING)
My idea is very revolutionary.
It's called World Class Amoeba Wrestling.
(GROANING)
Uh, I have a wonderful idea for a show.
Called, Rocks in Love.
[MALE ROCK] Hey, how about a kiss?
[FEMALE ROCK] I'm not that kind of rock.
(GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
I've got it!
The Belching Amoeba Rocks in Love!
[ALL] Brilliant, brilliant!
[MAN] He's a genius!
Hey, Grant, how's it hanging?
It's a great day for cuttin' grass!
Woo, look at me!
(LAUGHING)
Hey, check it out!
Woo!
Look, Ma, no hands!
Yee-haw!
-[GRASS] Hey, Bud!
-Do you mind?
Look at what that maniac is doing
to my brothers and sisters.
Why do you people spend hundreds of
dollarson fertilizer and plant food on us?
And then perform horticultural genocide?
If we were bigger, you
wouldn't be doing this to us.
(SCREAMING)
I'm gonna kill you!
Cut you up!
(GRASS CHEERING)
[GRASS] Push him back!
Push him back, way back!
Push him back, push him back!
Way back!
Cut the human, cut the human!
Cut the human!
Cut the human, cut the human!
Cut the human!
Poke his eye, poke his eye!
Poke his...
(GRUMBLING)
[GRASS] Yeah, I'm gonna
kill ya, I'm gonna kill ya!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
[GRASS] Bash his head!
Bash his head, bash his head!
Bash his head, bash his head!
Mulch the dude, mulch the dude!
Mulch the dude!
(GRASS CHEERING)
Grant, save me!
Grant, help me!
(LAUGHING)
I'm really sorry about all that,
but its been a very weird day for me.
(DOOR CREAKS)
(NEIGHBOR DIALING PHONE)
[NEIGHBOR] Hello, operator?
Get me the Jackie Jason show.
My neighbor, Grant, he has
some amazing magical powers.
(KERI SOBBING)
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
[KERI] What's wrong with Grant?
Did he enroll in magic school?
Or is he some kind of superhuman?
(SOBBING)
Grant, what's happening to our marriage?
You're so different.
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
(SOFT MUSIC)
Listen, Keri.
I don't know why I'm so
weird, but when we took
our wedding vows, we
promised unconditional love.
If you got fat and wrinkled,
I'd still love you.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(KERI SCREAMS)
Grant, Grant, save me!
(SHRIEKING)
(GASPING)
Grant, save me!
Grant, save me!
Get it down from me!
Grant!
Grant, save me!
Grant!
(SCREAMING)
Get away!
Get down, get down!
(SCREAMING)
(SOBBING)
See, I still love you.
Love makes problems disappear.
♪ Would you love me if
I forgot your birthday ♪
♪ And gave your shoes away ♪
♪ Refused to shave ♪
♪ Would you love me if I blew up a deli ♪
♪ Got a big fat belly ♪
♪ And became real smelly ♪
♪ Would you love me if I wore a tutu ♪
♪ Rode a kangaroo ♪
♪ With a beehive hairdo ♪
♪ Would you love me if I put a big rock ♪
♪ In the toe of your sock ♪
♪ And forced you to walk ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ I'm crazy about you, babe ♪
(WHISTLING)
♪ Don't you leave me, sweetie ♪
♪ I'm coming right away ♪
♪ Would you love me
if I was big as a whale ♪
♪ Grew a great green tail ♪
♪ Left slime like a snail ♪
♪ Would you love me if
I took off my clothes ♪
♪ Stuck a garden hose way up my nose ♪
♪ Would you love me if I
had a hundred fingers ♪
♪ And they were all singers ♪
♪ And were out of key ♪
♪ Would you love me
if I followed the fad ♪
♪ Dressed like a shad ♪
♪ And blew your dad ♪
♪ Can't you see ♪
♪ I love you ♪
♪ Crazy bout you, babe ♪
♪ Don't you leave me, sweetie ♪
♪ I'm coming ♪
♪ Right away ♪
♪ Would you love me if I
took a big old chainsaw ♪
♪ Into bed with us ♪
♪ And started that sucker up ♪
♪ Put on the ski mask
and got all hog-wild ♪
Hello!
Come on over, baby.
(OPERA MUSIC)
(MOANING)
[KERI] Grant, stop this right now.
Damn it, Grant!
When we have sex, I want you
to have it with me alone!
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
(RUMBLING)
Grant!
Stop this, right now!
[OLD WOMAN] They're not up there anymore!
(MOANING)
(INTENSE MOANING)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
Oh, Edgar.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
[NARRATOR] Here he is,
the toast of Hollywood,
Jackie Jason!
Hey, do we have a show for you tonight.
The ever-popular Solly Jim,
fresh from his big smash week in Vegas.
And Grant Boyer, a
sensational young illusionist.
Hey, how bout that mess in Washington?
Crazy stuff, huh?
Wow, Solly Jim!
I wish my wife were here to
meet you, but she's leaving me.
She thinks I'm a nutcase.
God, what is happening to my life?
You seem depressed, Grant.
[GRANT] It's a mess!
I'm at the end of my tether.
-(SOBBING) Oh, God.
-Oh, God. Look at that.
You know where that stuff comes from?
Well, it all starts when you
wear a tight-collared shirt.
The shirt depresses your
Adam's apple until you yawn,
which allows sunlight to
hit the back of your throat.
A patch of tiny hairs
grow there, that eventually
becomes a hair ball
that falls into the stomach,
where it rolls around, and exits
through the stomach escape-hatch.
The mix of hair and gunk
flows into the small intestine,
where it tickles the sensitive
walls, and is ejected at the speed
of sound and hits the rib cage,
which aims it at the belly button.
If the velocity is sufficient,
it squeezes through the
bounce off your shirt, and
gets lodged in the belly button.
And they found eight
chickens in his pants.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Here he is, folks, Mr.
Vegas himself, Solly Jim.
How do you tell when you're
at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake pops out of the babe!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Did you hear about the artist
with a bad case of psoriasis?
He asked the model to come
up and see his itchings!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(YAWNS)
Boy, this is a tough audience.
My career is over if I don't
get a laugh on this next joke.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Here's my impression of a sock.
(LAUGHING)
My mother always warned me
about playing with myself.
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, fella, how about a little head?
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
(CHEERING)
Yeah, baby!
You!
Hey, Solly, I like the
new direction in the humor.
Now get your bloody head off my couch.
[MAN] Mr. Boyer, you're on.
What do you think, kid?
[GRANT] Glad I could help you out.
Was that your doing, kid?
God bless you.
You saved my career.
If you need anything, give me a call.
Just remember, kid, if you
see someone without a smile
just give 'em one of yours.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
[MAN] You've got a nasty boil here.
That won't do for national TV.
Here's our next guest, Grant Boyer.
I hear you do illusions.
Well, uh, I guess.
Well, I guess.
Can you turn this glass into a...
Huh?
Turn it into a pen.
Well, thanks for joining us, folks.
Tomorrow night, we have Sean Young and...
(RUMBLING)
Whoa!
[MR. GILES] Colonel,
did you happen to see
the Jackie Jason Show?
Well I've asked you here for
a very important mission.
[COLONEL] Yes, Mr. Giles.
See this man?
I want him, get him.
Colonel, that was just the
image from the projector.
I appreciate your enthusiasm,
but we need this man alive!
Gimme!
No, no!
No, no!
No, no, no.
(SOBS)
I want my gun!
Give me my gun!
I want my gun!
[MR. GILES] Very well.
Now take this.
Colonel Ferguson, get me that man.
Honey, I'm home!
Honey!
Honey, did you see me on TV?
Honey.
Ker?
Keri, honey.
Honey, don't you love me?
Boo-boops.
Cutesy-wootsy face!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
♪ How'd you get to be so cute ♪
♪ Did you buy it like a suit ♪
♪ Were you hoppin'
shoppin' boppin' moppin' ♪
♪ Ooh, were you spendin' lots of loot ♪
♪ How'd you get so cute ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so hot ♪
♪ Did you pop out on the spot ♪
♪ Or did you sow it, mow it ♪
♪ Blow it, show it, grow it ♪
♪ Ooh, like a crop ♪
♪ How'd you get so hot ♪
♪ And the beauty that is you ♪
♪ Oh, I love it so ♪
♪ I've been lost in your dream world ♪
♪ That's why I wanna know, yes ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so buff ♪
♪ I wanna eat all your stuff ♪
♪ Were you bakin' shakin'
makin' flakin' cakin' ♪
♪ Baby, I'm in love ♪
♪ How'd you get so buff ♪
♪ How come you're so much fun ♪
♪ Honey, baby, you're no nun ♪
♪ You're so nervy, curvy, swervy ♪
♪ Oh, please shoot me with a gun ♪
♪ How's you get so fun ♪
Keri, please let me in.
We can work this out.
I just wanna hold you.
[KERI] What's with Grant?
Is he a robot?
Or maybe the antichrist?
Go away, Grant!
You're a very strange person!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
[JERRY] I hear you do illusions.
(GILES MOANING)
[MR GILES] Hmm.
Ah.
Oh!
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy ♪
What?
Oh.
Hmm.
Oh, I see.
(GILES GROANING)
[MR. GILES] Aha!
(GRANT MUTTERING)
So that's his secret weapon.
Yeah, right.
Keri, I think I found out
where my weird powers came from.
Are you Mr. Grant Boyer?
Could you come down for a chat?
We saw you on TV.
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ We bring smiles across the nation ♪
♪ We bring smiles to young and old ♪
♪ We smile all day though it's cold. ♪
[COLONEL] You're quite
a remarkable talent.
Are you coming along quietly,
or do I have to get rough?
[GRANT] Well, gee, I don't know.
I really should check with my wife first.
We're newlyweds.
Gotcha!
(FLY BUZZING)
Fire!
(GUN SHOTS FIRING)
(BIRD CHIRPING)
[KERI] Or maybe, he's a space alien.
Or a religious messiah.
Hey, you guys, cut that out!
(FLIES BUZZING)
Keri, Keri, please let me in!
Ker...
Oh, Keri, oh, Keri.
[KERI] Oh, no.
It's worse than I thought.
He's working for the government.
Try your magic now, Mr. Boyer.
(LAUGHS)
Take him away.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
He's getting away!
Fire!
Colonel, why did he get away?
And what about our tank battalion?
They're occupied, sir.
Occupied?
Mmm, doing it.
[MR. GILES] Doing what?
[COLONEL] Well, sir,
you know, the in and out?
[MR. GILES] Well, tell them to stop it.
Have you ever tried to tell
a 50-ton tank to stop having sex?
Find him or else!
(PANTING)
(BELL DINGS)
Welcome to Glass Land.
You're my first customer.
Hello?
Welcome to Glass Land.
You're my first customer.
It's our grand opening.
(SOFT PEACEFUL MUSIC)
(GASPING)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(REGISTER RINGS)
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
(PANICKED SHOUTING)
Phew!
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(REGISTER RINGING)
(EXPLOSION RUMBLES)
(BELL DINGS)
(PANTING)
Have you seen a guy, oh.
[GRANT] There he is.
My favorite rhododendron bush.
[GRANT] Behind the burro!
My terra-cotta burro.
[GRANT] Get him!
My elf on a mushroom ornament.
[GRANT] Over there!
My pissin' bumblebee fountain.
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
My ducks-plucking -elf-eyes birdbath. No!
My leaf blower!
(MACHINE GUN FIRING)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
♪ Sometimes in the evening ♪
♪ When shadows start to fall ♪
♪ I find myself wondering ♪
♪ Did we ever love at all ♪
♪ But then I go back ♪
♪ Through faded photographs ♪
♪ I wonder if our love
was meant to last ♪
(PANTING)
[KERI] I've got to find my husband!
Let the woman go.
She's not a prisoner.
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪ (DOORBELL RINGS)
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
♪ I'm so happy ♪
-Oh, hello, darling.
-Oh, Keri.
Are you okay?
Come in, darling.
(KNOCKING)
[GRANT] Solly, Solly, are you in there?
Let me in, Solly.
♪ I'm so happy, you're so happy ♪
♪ Everybody's happy ♪
♪ I'm happy that you're happy ♪
[GRANT] Solly, let me in.
[NARRATOR] Welcome to How
to Make Love to a Woman.
Undressing your mate is
a very delicate matter.
It must be done subtly,
yet with authority.
I recommend the diversion technique.
Hugging and caressing
are intensely exciting
to the frauleins.
And when done properly, can leave a
lasting impression
on the affaire du coeur.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(GUN SHOTS FIRING)
[GRANT] Hmm, that gives me an idea.
(EXCITING MUSIC)
Aha!
(LAUGHING)
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
(SMACKING)
(ENERGETIC MUSIC)
(LAUGHING)
[NARRATOR] The nipples.
Oh, the nipples.
Just a light touch with the thumb
and forefinger, and they stand erect...
-Oh, God, Jesus!
-Alone without shame. Wow, that hurts!
Proud to show themselves off to the
world, as if to say to anyone around.
-Oh, boy, my eye.
-Here I am.
Fondle me, kiss me.
Love me, caress me.
Take me to the heights
of sensual ecstasy.
Exotic accessories are
a very important aspect
to proper mating.
They insure that the male
is appropriately excited.
Such things as spiked
heels, fishnet stockings and
tassels add an exotic and
forbidden aura to the sex act.
Be playful.
Have fun with them.
That's what they're for.
They help spice up the
sensual feast of pleasure.
(CHORUS MUSIC)
Now that the preliminaries
are out of the way,
the mood is set.
It's now time for the ultimate act,
the supreme gift of oneself to another.
[SOLLY] Keep your shirt on, I'm coming.
Grant, my boy!
I've gotta use your phone.
Some army is trying to kill me.
And Keri thinks I'm from Mars.
So, are you married?
Keri is almost divorced.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
[GRANT] Let me talk to Keri.
I know she's there.
Oh, its you, well.
It's Grant!
My, aren't you impulsive!
[GRANT] I'm so depressed.
My marriage is over.
(SOBBING)
You know where tears come from?
When the eye sees something
sad, really sad, tiny light
balls travel to the brain
through the optical canal.
The brain heats up and
releases sad little flakes.
They fall through the sadness
artery into the heart.
The heart, heavy from these
brain flakes and bodily fluids,
falls, whomp, onto the bladder,
which sends a microscopic wave
to the upper part of the body.
Some goes to the mouth
and causes a frown, and the
rest goes to the brain,
which is hot with sadness.
The fluid hitting the hot brain
produces condensation on the cranium's
surface and it slides down an exit
through the eye opening as tears.
You see this bump?
It gives me these super powers.
But now that I'm with you, I'm safe.
(PHONE RINGING)
[SOLLY] Mr. Giles, he's here.
You want me to bring him in?
(BEEPING)
You've found him?
Yes, he's where?
Mmm, what's your hurry, big fella?
I love a man in uniform.
Something about slimy scales
really makes me moist.
Mmm, do you like french kissing?
[MOTHER] Oh, aren't they cute?
(MOANING)
[MR. GILES] Colonel, where are you?
We're waiting.
[MOTHER] She can get a divorce.
So can I!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
That's a nasty bump on my head.
I'll have to use medication
on that for sure.
Then my hair will fall out, so I'll have
to use hair tonic and then hair remover.
And I'll flake, so I'll
have to use a salve.
And my pores will open up, so
I've gotta apply body ointments
and skin creams, and I'll
bloat and my skin will fall off.
Oh, boy.
Scabs and pus all over the place,
and my face will turn into
jell-o and I'll break out.
Please, please, please.
Help!
Thanks, Grant.
[MR. GILES] Don't be so naive, Solly.
Just because you brought
Mr. Boyer in, you thought
someone of your minuscule
talent could have his own show?
[SOLLY] Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah, funny boy?
Not so fast, or I pull the trigger.
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?
Okay, this is getting us nowhere.
Let's all drop our guns on three.
One, two, three.
Come on, we must trust each other.
One, two, three.
Okay, I'll drop mine first.
Come on, guys.
Let's shake and let bygones be bygones.
(BUZZING)
(SCREAMING)
At last, to be the funniest man
on the face of the earth.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)
So this guy walks into a
bar with a duck on his head.
Bartender says, what'll you have?
So the duck says...
Get this. (LAUGHS)
Well, he split a gut
on that one, Colonel.
The lobe, please.
Now I can set the world right.
Now for some throbbing military power.
Whoa, whoa.
Oops, oops, whoa, oops.
Whoa, whoa, oops, oops.
Wait, this is too bulky.
All I need is destruction
at my fingertips.
Make way for the doctor of destruction.
All this destruction
is making me excited.
I gotta pee.
(ZIPPER UNZIPPING)
Uh-oh.
I've got to think of a better...
Ah!
At last, my communication
network is complete.
Okay, world, here comes
the new Larson P. Giles!
Send in the nurse.
Hmm.
[SMILEY] Maybe it
needs a little pressure.
[MR. GILES] All right, fun's over.
Give me the lobe.
(ENERGETIC MUSIC)
(SCREAMING)
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
♪ We bring smiles across ♪
[SMILEY] Kill the fuckers!
Kill the fuckers!
Kill the fuckers, kill the fuckers!
(SCREAMING)
(SOFT MUSIC)
They're getting away!
(SCREAMING)
[GRANT] Keri, why did
you come back to save me?
Like you said, love is forever.
Besides, it was great sex.
[GRANT] But I'm so weird.
[KERI] Oh, shut up and kiss me.
[GRANT] Hey, it's our
friend the caterpillar!
Thanks for the help!
(ENGINE CRANKING)
Hey, you!
(CAR ALARMS BLARING)
[MAN] Thanks, Mac.
(TIMER BEEPING)
Shh.
[MR. GILES] Send in more troops!
♪ We bring smiles across ♪
(SOFT PEACEFUL MUSIC)
I just love convertibles.
(ENERGETIC MUSIC)
Hey, slow down, will ya?
Watch the corners.
Someone could get hurt.
Let's rope and ground us a Heifer!
Yee-haw!
Ride 'em, cowgirl!
[FERGUSON] We need help.
Send in the super gun.
Send in the super gun.
♪ We are the SmileCorp Corporation ♪
Oh, the super gun!
Oh, no!
We gotta get out of here.
It's the super gun.
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die!
Let's get out of here!
It's the super gun!
Ah, the super gun!
(SHOUTING)
(ENGINE CRANKING)
Lock on target.
ELEVATION: 536.29.
LONGITUDE: 239.7.
Do it.
Commence countdown.
(TIMER BEEPING)
It's not too late, Grant.
Give up the lobe.
(ENGINE HUMS)
Give up the lobe, Grant.
Give up the lobe.
(TIMER BEEPING)
Fire!
[GRANT] Hold on!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
♪ How'd you get to be so cute ♪
♪ Did you buy it like a suit ♪
♪ Were you hoppin'
shoppin' boppin' moppin' ♪
♪ Ooh, spending lots of loot ♪
♪ How'd you get so cute ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so hot ♪
♪ Did you pop out on the spot ♪
The lobe!
(ANIMALS SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(TELEGRAPH BEEPING)
[MAN] What the hell?
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
It's working!
Complete global communications!
I can control everything!
I can't be stopped now!
(DOG BARKING)
[GRANT] My huggie lamb.
(KERI GIGGLING)
Huh, poopsie-woopsie?
My pookie pants.
[MOTHER] Grant, I take it all back!
Will you forgive me, Grant?
(GIGGLING, MOANING)
[GRANT] What's happening, Keri?
[KERI] I've been watching
a lot of TV lately.
♪ How'd you get to be so cute ♪
♪ Did you buy it like a suit ♪
♪ Were you hoppin'
shoppin' boppin' moppin' ♪
♪ Ooh, were you spendin' lots of loot ♪
♪ How'd you get so cute ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so hot ♪
♪ Did you pop out on the spot ♪
♪ Or did you sew it, mow it ♪
♪ Blow it, show it, grow it ♪
♪ Ooh, like a crop ♪
♪ How'd you get so hot ♪
♪ And the beauty that is you ♪
♪ Oh, I love it so ♪
♪ I'm lost in your dream world ♪
♪ That's why I wanna know ♪
♪ How'd you get to be so buff ♪
♪ I want to eat all your stuff ♪
♪ Were you bakin' shakin'
makin' flakin' cakin' ♪
♪ Baby, I'm in love ♪
♪ How'd you get so buff ♪
♪ How come you're so much fun ♪
♪ Honey baby, you're no nun ♪
♪ You're so nervy, curvy, swervy ♪
♪ Ooh, please shoot me with a gun ♪
♪ How'd you get so fun ♪
(EXPLOSION RUMBLES)
(GUN SHOTS FIRING)