I Love You, Man (2009) - full transcript

Looks good, right?

So, my plan is to create...

this cluster of
live/work lofts...

all along the perimeter here.
And... Come here.

I also am planning
this neighborhood-y...

kind of dining
and retail area...

in the central square.

You know, I even
had this thought...

that maybe you,
Denise and Hailey...

could open up a
second location...

for your store.



Really? Because Denise
keeps talking...

about wanting to open up
another branch.

Well, it'd be great. Yeah.

Look, the land is
a little pricey,

so I couldn't develop
it right away,

but once I sell the
Ferrigno estate.

I figured out I could at least
put a down payment on it...

and still have enough
money left over...

for the reception
in Santa Barbara.

What are you talking about?
What reception?

Zooey, I know it's only been
eight months,

but I am so madly, insanely,
ridiculously in love with you.

Will you marry me?

Yes! It just happened
two minutes ago, Hailey.



- Can you believe it?
- No, I can't. It's amazing.

Oh, my God.

I've been on like
10 million dates,

and you end up marrying
some totally awesome guy...

who randomly walks
into our store?

It's so cute. She doesn't know
she's on speakerphone.

You do not know
how lucky you are.

It is impossible...

to find a good
guy in this city.

- I know.

I thought we were connecting.

- Oh, my God. Really?
- Kind of.

I'm sorry, but not really.

- Hey, will you
conference in Denise?

Oh, my God! You
called me first?

- Oh, God.
- Awesome. Yes. Hold on.

Hi.

Hi.

- I love that piece of
land. It's perfect.

I'm glad.

I mean, I know the
neighborhood's...

a little, you know...

Oh, my God, Zo! I cannot...

fucking believe you
didn't call me first!

You are such a freak.

Hailey's first on
my speed dial.

No, no, no, I'm
totally kidding.

I'm so psyched for you.

I feel like I'm
gonna puke right now.

Oh, my God, hold on.

Barry hates when
I'm in the house...

during his poker night.

Would you give me a second,
you fat douche?

Get out. Get out of
the fucking house...

- Zooey just got engaged!
- To who?

- 'To who,' are you
joking? To Peter.

To who? To me.

- I don't know Peter.

I've met the guy
like 20 times.

- You've met him
like 20 times.

I don't know Peter.

- You don't know Peter?
- I have no idea who that is.

Okay, we've been on
like 20 dates...

with him.

- You don't know him?
- I've never met Peter.

You are such an asshole.

Sorry, Zo. Have
you set a date?

Yes. June 30th in
Santa Barbara.

Peter already booked the place
we went for that long weekend.

So romantic.

Oh, my God. He is so romantic.

That's the place
where you guys...

fucked for the
first time, right?

No.

No, no, no,

that was the hot
tub in Mexico.

That's right.
Santa Barbara was just oral.

- Yeah.
- You guys.

That's right. The
hot tub, yeah.

It was Mexico. You
had your period in

Santa Barbara and
you wanted to wait.

God, you're so
old-fashioned, Zooey.

- You told them
about the hot tub?

Maybe.

- Wow. So, June 30th?

Yeah, I know.
It's soon, but...

Who cares? Peter's a doll,

and he goes down on you
like six times a week.

- What are you waiting for?
- Wow.

Marry him. Don't wait.

Lock that tongue down, girl.

Yeah. It's gonna be great.

All right, you guys,
I'll call you later.

Love you.

It is beautiful. It's
totally understated,

and it's just... It's perfect.

I know! No, he's the
best. I feel so lucky.

All right. All right, Debbie.

I'll talk to you
tomorrow. Bye.

Honey!

I've been totally
hogging the phone.

- Who do you wanna call?
- I'm okay.

My parents are
probably asleep,

so I'll just talk
to them tomorrow.

You don't wanna tell
any of your friends?

I'll make some
calls this weekend.

Really?

Well, what about
that guy, Tevin?

You talk to him
like 20 times a day, right?

Well, yeah.

He works two cubicles
away from me.

I'll see him Monday morning.

Or what's his name?
The one that you fence with.

- Gil?
- Gil.

Gil. Gilliam.

No, he's not really a
'call right away'...

kind of friend.

Toasting.

- Hi! Hi.
- Hi.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Mom.

- Excellent meat.
- So good.

- This is delicious.
Thank you so much.

Really is, Mom.

Thank you.

But did Peter have
any good friends...

growing up?

I honestly don't remember any.

All right, look, Zooey,
just to clarify here,

my dad worked for IBM,

so we moved a lot
when I was a kid.

Robbie always managed
to have friends.

Of course, he probably wanted
to suck their dicks, but...

Oswald!

No, Mom, it's cool.
I totally did.

But he doesn't have to use
that kind of language.

- Indeed.
- Why?

My son is a gay man,
and I embrace his lifestyle.

It's true. Dad loves the gays.

I actually made him
an honorary homo last month.

The point is, Zooey,
Peter always...

connected better with women.

You know, I can see that...

because he's a
great boyfriend.

Thank you, fianc?e.

Also, you gotta
understand, Zooey.

Peter matured sexually
at a very early age.

I remember taking him swimming
when he was 12 years old.

Kid had a bush
like a 40-year-old Serbian.

Come on. Okay.
Dad, please, stop talking.

- Good to know.
- Nice.

Come on. He had a
Speedo full of Brillo.

Be proud.

God.

Who invited the
stand-up comedian...

over here?

Zooey, here's the deal.

Peter's always been
a 'girlfriend guy.'

He put all his
focus and energy...

into his relationships,

and all his dude friends
just fell by the wayside.

Zooey, don't listen
to him, all right?

I mean, we're
eight years apart.

Barely grew up together
in the same house.

This is ridiculous.

Why is it weird that
I had girlfriends?

Nothing. We're just saying...

you never really had
a best friend, is all.

- Well, who's
your best friend?

I have two.

Hank Mardukas has been
my closest friend...

since our first year at IBM.

- Best man at our
wedding. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, he was.

Talk to him two,
three times a week...

on the phone for 30 years now.

And then there's Robbie.

What's up?

- Robbie is your
other best friend?

Correct. And Hank Mardukas.

What the shit is
he looking at?

Davis Dunn Realty,

how may I direct your
call? Please hold.

Hold, please. Put
him through to Tevin.

It's very close to downtown.
How close do you wanna be?

Thank you, sweetheart.

I can't get you that close.

'Cause the schools
are terrible.

The skyscrapers
were all lit up.

I got down on one knee.

She was totally surprised.

Well, I'm jealous, Peter,

'cause you never
gave me a shot.

But you're gonna
make the best husband.

Stop it. Stop.

All right, you
can continue now.

Morning, Trayce.

- Hey, Tevin.
- Hey, man.

What's so funny?

One of the guys...

in my fantasy
football league...

just sent me a QuickTime.

It's a grandma riding
a Sybian machine.

What's that?

It's one of those
vibrating saddles...

that women sit
on to give them,

like, super intense orgasms.

Check it out.

- Damn!
- How sick is that?

It's very. That's very sick.

So awesome.

Hey. So, what up, dog?

How's that Ferrigno
dealio coming?

It's coming good.
Yeah. I'm getting...

ready to show in
a couple of weeks.

Great.

Dude, I'm just gonna
throw this out there...

because it's a big
piece of house.

If you want a copilot on this,

I'd be happy to
team up with you.

No, I know. I feel
like I wanna...

give myself the challenge...

- and just see how it goes...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I appreciate the offer.
- No sweat.

Hey, anyway, you know,
my girlfriend and I...

Well, we had this very
special evening...

planned, and I...

She's a squirter!
She's squirting!

Peter, we got a squirter!

Old Faithful!

Hello, fianc?e.

Hey, baby. I totally forgot.

It's my turn to
host ladies' night.

No prob.

I have fencing
practice, anyway.

I'll grab a beer with
Gil and the boys...

afterward. Hit them
with the big news.

- Great! I gotta go. Love you.
- I love you, too.

Peter! Peter!

I'm sending it to you.

- No. I don't want it.
- You got it.

God!

Wait a minute, I
didn't even click...

How does it... I didn't
even click it on.

She's got a bush
like a porcupine.

I don't wanna know anything
about her bush. Hi, Lynette.

- Suck it!
- Good bout, Gil. Sweet bout!

Good job.

Wow. Way to go, buddy.

- Great bout.
- Fuck off!

Bro, really sorry I
lost my shit out there.

I just did not see that
In Quartata coming.

Hey, man, don't worry.

You know, you came in
with a pretty sweet glissade.

Anybody seen my manchette?

Did you look under
your plastron,

dick wicker?

- Fuck you, Larry!
- Fuck you, Eugene.

- Classic.
- Thank you, Larry.

Hey, so you guys want to,
like, get some grub...

or grab a beer or something?

We're actually heading up
to Joshua Tree tonight.

Oh, yeah? What's
going on up there?

We're just doing this thing
for Eugene, you know.

Kind of a bachelor
party/camping trip...

kind of thing, you know.

I didn't even know
you were getting married.

Yeah. Taking the
leap next Sunday.

- Great.
- Dirty little slut.

He's gonna lose his
virginity finally.

I've fucked my
girlfriend. He's kidding.

Right on! Very cool.
Very, very cool. That's cool.

I would've invited you, man.

I just didn't think
that you'd be into it.

You never really
come out with us...

after practice and stuff.

Oh, no, dude... Don't even.

It's so fine. Really.

Thanks, though.
Thank you, but...

You know, it's
funny, actually.

I just got engaged myself.

- Wow. That's awesome.
- You did? Congratulations.

- Mazel tov.
- That's great.

Good luck with that.

- Thank you. And you, too.
- Thanks.

Yeah.

All right, well,

we should probably
hit the road.

- Traffic.
- Yes.

- Have a blast.
- Shotgun.

- We'll be back on
Wednesday, right?

Yeah.

Play a U2 record
while you're there.

- Good.'Cause of Joshua Tree.
- That's right.

It's hilarious,
know what I mean?

No, I'm serious.

You know what my
favorite nights are?

Hanging out with you girls,

and I can do that
guilt-free...

because Barry loves
hanging out...

with his friends, too.

I mean, every weekend,
there's a golf getaway,

a ski trip, a
weekend in Vegas.

Wait, Vegas? You're
not worried...

he's gonna cheat on you?

He's 40 pounds overweight...

with a Jewfro
and a small dick.

Look, I love the guy to death,
but I'm far and away...

the best-looking woman
he's ever gonna get,

and I'm only a 7, so, come on.

Oh, my God. You're not a 7.

Peter's not a freakazoid.

I don't know, Zo.

I mean, I think this
is kind of serious.

A guy without friends
can be really clingy.

Like, my brother-in-law
drives my sister crazy.

He's always like,
'When are you gonna be home?

'Where're you going?
Can I come with you?

'But nothing's on TV.
What am I gonna do?'

- That's... No, come
on. What the...

'Be home before midnight.'

Peter's not like that. Please.
He's just not like that.

Well, just wait.

But anyway, you've
got six bridesmaids...

and a maid of honor.

It's gonna be a little weird...

if we're walking down
the aisle alone.

- Yeah, I know.
- He's great.

- So who's gonna
be his best man?

I have no idea.

I honestly think that
his best friend...

is his mom.

- Terrible.
- No, no, no. Not like that.

Peter?

Peter?

Honey?

Hey!

- Hey!
- Hey!

I made you guys some
root beer floats.

Peter, are those
chocolate straws?

Yeah. Pirouettes.
Pepperidge Farm.

Thank you so much
for the floats, baby.

That was so sweet.

My pleasure. Enjoy.

- Hey, congratulations
on the wedding.

Congratulations!

I know. It's so exciting.
I feel so grown-up.

- All right, sir.
- Okay, ma'am.

Okay.

Shit! Do you
think he heard us?

- No.
- No way.

I gotta get some
fucking friends.

This is cool.
You're coming to me for help.

Well, the good news is
not only do I know men,

but straight guys
are my specialty.

What does that mean?

I get bored pursuing gays.

I like to give myself
more of a challenge.

- Yeah!
- Excuse me one second.

There you go, brother.
Dig deep, come on.

Push that shit
out. Look at me.

I'm pinkies. I'm
barely touching it.

You're clear.
Locked it in, dude.

Nice job. Nice lift.

- Thanks, man.
- You're welcome.

All right, I'll
see you around.

I hope so.

- That guy was totally
flirting with you.

I told you.

And did you see
his wedding ring?

Straight as an arrow.

I'm telling you,
hooking up is easy.

Meeting platonic male friends,
not so much.

So, what do I do?
I mean, how do I meet friends?

It's such a weird concept.

Well, I can do some recon
around the gym,

but you're gonna have to be
aggressive about this, man.

- Yeah, yeah.

Use the Internet to meet guys.

Get Mom to fix you up.

I mean, if you see
a cool-looking guy,

strike up a conversation...

- and ask him on a man-date.
- A what?

- A man-date.
- Okay.

- You know what I mean?
- No.

By that, I mean a casual lunch
or after-work drinks, okay?

No dinner and no movies.

You're not taking these boys
to see The Devil Wears Prada.

God, I love that movie.

No, I won't. I got you.
I know what you mean.

This is really exciting.

We're gonna find
you some friends.

- So I'm gonna...
What do I do?

You don't play much?

- I used to play a lot
of Hearts in college.

This is the same thing.

I don't even know
why he called.

This guy hasn't
even played poker.

I don't know.

I don't know, but
it's Zooey's fianc?,

so just shut the
fuck up and be nice.

Well, if I do this,
we have sex...

with the lights on
when you get home.

- Really?
- Yeah. Like in Jamaica.

- Fine.
- All night long.

- Fine. Love you.
- All right.

My brother's a
great guy, you know?

I mean, he's smart, he's...

Well, actually,
I don't know him that well,

but I'll give you
five free sessions...

if you take him out.

Go Beckham!

So glad Robbie hooked this up.

This is awesome!
This is awesome!

- Me, too. This is really...

Isn't this great,
man? I love soccer!

Here we go,
Galaxy! Here we go!

Here we go,
Galaxy! Here we go!

Come on, Peter, stand
up. Here we go...

Shut the fuck up!

All right, now people
are really upset.

- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!
- Hey, watch the game!

Honey, he just moved to LA.
He barely knows anyone.

He's an architect.

His mother says
he's so excited to meet you.

Robbie told me not
to have dinner...

with any of these guys.

Your brother's a crazy person.
One dinner won't kill you.

- Doug?
- Peter?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- So you just moved here, huh?
- I did. Pretty recently.

A couple of weeks.

Fresh off the boat
from Chicago.

Chi-Town.

- Windy City.
- Oh, yeah.

Da Bears.

Those sports guys.

You know what
else, the other old

Saturday Night Live
one I love? The...

What's the one Dana
Carvey does...

with the old lady
who's like...

- Church Lady?
- Yes! Yes!

'Isn't that special?'

'Isn't that special?'

That sounded
kind of more leprechaun-y.

- It did?

It did a little.
Like a leprechaun.

Nice to meet you,
too, Mel Stein.

The picture's from
a couple of years back.

Have a seat. I'm so happy...

to meet you in
person, you know.

Me, too. How long
have you been...

using the Internet?

Three or four years.

I didn't know
anything about it...

until a couple of years ago.

- You're good at it now.
- Thank you.

- And the big dog!
- There it is!

Let me ask you guys.
Let me ask you guys.

Beatles, Stones. On
a count of three.

- One, two, three. Beatles.
- All in.

- Fuck you.
- I don't care.

- All in.
- You're an idiot.

That's you, pal.

I will call in.

- Too much for me.
- You're in.

- Anybody else?
Just me and you?

Yeah.

That's it? Pot
right? Trip queens.

- Nice.
- Three ladies. Three ladies.

- Nice hand.
- Finally. Fucking finally.

- Wait, let's see
what he's got.

Yeah, let's see what he's got.

I have nothing. I
have five spades.

- That's a flush.
- Yes, one, two, three...

Flush!

He's a fucking asshole.

- Relax.
- I'm not gonna relax.

- What?

I said you're an
asshole, Peter.

Don't take it too seriously.

What are you staying in
with seven deuce suited?

With a fucking
rainbow rag flop!

Take the fucking
chips. I'm buying in.

- I'm sorry...

Just give me some more chips.

I didn't know it
was a rainbow.

- Is the wine
treating you well?

It opened up
beautifully. Thank you.

- Excellent.
- Come on.

- Hot. Hot.
- Oh, my God.

- She's so hot.
- She's smoking.

All right, Pete,
you done a boat race, right?

- No.
- Just drink the fucking beer,

- and you'll get
the hang of it.

I've got it. I will...

Doesn't matter who's winning.

It comes down to you and me.

- It's gonna be anchors.
- We're the anchors.

- Let's boat... Let's
boat race! Race it up!

Ain't no luck in boat racing.

One! Two! Three! Go!

Come on, Pete! It's
all you, Peter!

Go, go, go!

Take him down!

- One more time!
- Let's go!

Come on! Go, Barry!

- Barry! Damn it, Barry!
- Fuck!

Yes! In your face! In your...

Holy shit!

- I'm sorry.
- Get out of my house.

- I'm so sorry.

Just get out of
my fucking house.

- I'm sorry.

This is not cool!
Get the fuck out!

I gotta tell you, Doug,
I really enjoyed this.

You know, I've been out
with so many jerks recently.

It's nice to meet somebody

I can have an actual
conversation with.

- Let's do it again.
- I'd love to.

Okay. Tomorrow night.
Matsuhisa, 8:00.

- I will see you there, sir.
- Awesome.

You've been so busy.

I've hardly seen you
these past couple weeks.

I know. I've been
crazy at work.

I'm happy to see you now.

- Have you been
kissing someone?

No.

Peter, your mouth
tastes like an ashtray.

Yes. I went to dinner
with this guy,

and he kissed me.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

My mom set me up
with this guy,

and he thought I was gay,
and it was just...

It was a whole m
isunderstanding.

- Your mom set
you up with a guy?

Yeah.

You told me you were
going to dinner...

with a client.

- No.
- What the hell is going on?

Look, I overheard you
talking to the other girls...

on your girls' night and...

I knew it.

Look, I know that
you're stressed out...

that I don't have
any close friends,

so I've been trying
to meet someone.

Right, you've been...
Okay, so that explains a lot.

I thought it was so weird...

that you wanted to
hang out with Barry.

- Yeah, exactly.
That guy's a dick.

Yeah.

- I threw up in his face.

Yeah, I know. Denise told me.

- I threw up in his... A lot.
- Yeah.

- Projectiled.
- Yeah.

- That's a real thing.
- Yeah.

Well, I don't think I'm gonna
meet anybody by June 30th,

so our wedding party's
gonna be a little uneven.

Peter, I don't care.
I just want you to be happy...

and to stop kissing
strange men.

Wow, it's really
smoky in there.

Yeah, he got up in there.

- Tongue?
- Oh, yeah.

You wouldn't mind
brushing your teeth,

would you?

No. I've already done it
a couple of times.

I'll do the mouthwash again.

- There's some Tom's
in the top cabinet.

No, I gotta go with
chemicals on this.

- I love you.

I love you, too.
I might use Comet.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

I live down there.

I like it. I'm liking it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

It's a good space, you know?
It's a good vibe.

- Yeah? Terrific.
- Yeah.

Well, when the Santa Anas
come through, it is majestic.

- Thanks.
- I'm excited.

- We'll let you know.
- Okay.

Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- lf you need any
help, just let me know.

Thanks.

Sure.

Thank you for eating.

- I'm the first one, huh?
- Yeah.

I never understood why people...

are so afraid to eat
at an open house.

I know.

Why's Ferrigno selling?

He bought a place
in Jackson Hole.

Yeah, I think he's tired
of the Hollywood grind.

Right.

You know, I've always
wanted a pad...

with a giant Lou
Ferrigno statue,

so I think I've found it.

He's got one.

You're wasting your time
with that couple. Just FYI.

Why do you say that?

I saw the guy pull in.
He's driving a Saab 9.3,

which, I'm not a snob,
it's a great car,

but it costs $30,000.

This house must be,
what, 4, $4.2 million?

Doesn't quite compute, right?

Well, I hope that's
not the case.

He told me he was
gonna make an offer.

I think he's trying to
impress that girl...

he hasn't slept with yet.

- The feng shui.
- Yeah.

How do you know that?

Well, it's body
language, you know?

Look, that guy needs to fart.

It's pretty clear,

but he doesn't know
her well enough...

to do it in front of her,

so I assume they
haven't slept together.

- I like it. You okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm good.

- He does seem
to be clenching.

Yeah, he doesn't wanna fart.

Watch. When he
gets enough space,

he's gonna let one
rip, I guarantee you.

That's a good move.

'Hey, go check out
the kitchen, honey.

I'll meet you in there.'

- Okay. Yeah.
- Now watch.

He's making his move slowly.

Slowly but surely.
Watch the leg.

Wait for it. Wait
for it. Fart.

- Boom. That's a
fart, motherfucker.

Oh, my God.

- That's a fucking fart.
- Oh, my God!

Look at him
crop-dusting across...

your open house.
It's a disgrace.

- He farted in my open house.
- He sure did.

You know what, guy?

I like it, but I'm thinking...

it might be a
little bit small.

Totally, and it
smells like fart.

- What?
- Never mind.

Let's take off, baby. Come on.

Roll down the windows
in that car, sweetheart.

You called that.
That was like a play-by-play.

That's amazing.
You called that!

- Yeah. Well, I know my farts.
- Unbelievable.

Well, listen, just
full disclosure.

I have no interest in
buying this house.

Well, then why are you here?

To eat your free food
and to try to meet a divorc?e.

- Are you serious?
- I am.

Yeah. I've found...

that at the classy
open houses,

the spread is usually
pretty decent,

and there's a beautiful
bevy of attractive...

and newly-single women.

I don't know what to say.
Thank you for your honesty.

Thank you for the
sun-dried tomato aioli,

because it's a revelation.

- Wow. Hey, thanks
for noticing.

Yeah.

All right,

I'm gonna take this
panini for the road.

There's an open house
in Bel Air that...

promises to be
replete with cougars.

- You don't wanna miss that.
- No, sir.

- It was nice to
meet you. Yeah.

You, too.

Hey, you know what, here,

let me give you
my business card.

- All right.
- In case you're looking for,

you know, a new
home or anything.

I actually specialize
in smaller houses,

bungalows, that kind of thing.

- Lovely. Let me give
you mine, as well.

Okay.

- 'Sydney Fife.'
- That is my name.

There you go.

Well, thank you
for the great open house.

- My plezh. Okay.
- All right.

- Nice to meet you.
- You, too, Sydney.

Hello.

I can't just call him.

Why are you being
such a chickenshit?

He gave you his card.
It's an open invitation.

Engage your core.

It's beach season.
It's beach season.

I hate this.

There's no rules for
male friendships.

What are you
freaking out about?

You went out with
those other guys.

- I'm really nervous
about this one.

'Cause you really like him.

All right, buddy, great set.

Take five, I'll
come rub you down.

Look, if he does call,
no more dinners, okay?

- It's sending
the wrong message.

I know, I know.

Hey, Peter! I got
an extra ticket...

to the Galaxy game tonight!

You know what? Thanks, man,

I'm sorry, I can't.
I got a function.

I got season ticks.

I'll get you on the
flip side. Here we go.

Hey, thanks a lot...

for hooking me up
with Elmo over there.

- That was a blast.
- What? That guy's cool.

Here we go. Here we go.
Come on, push it out.

Everything you got!
Everything you got!

Everything you got!

Yeah.

Just to...

Hey... Pathetic.

Sydney, how you doing?
It's Peter Klaven.

Hey, Sydney, it's
Peter Klaven.

We met at the open
house last week.

Get some guts, would you?

I got some cheese.
Give me a break.

No. Oh, my God.

- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Carolyn.

Sorry.

Fife. You know what to do.

Hey, Peter. It's
Sydney Klaven.

No, that's not right.

Sydney, it's Peter Klaven.

I met you last week
at an open house,

and I had a showing and...

Anyway, I was wondering...

if you ever wanted
to get together...

and talk about real
estate and whatnot.

Or whatnot. And...

- Hey, sugar.
- Hey.

I'm sorry, I forgot
what I was gonna say.

What was I saying?

Yes, the open
house and we met...

Anyway, no rush.

You call me back...

whenever you get a
mo. Get a moment.

And we will talk
when I talk to you.

All right.

Hope you're having
a great day.

Okay. Bye, now.

Fuck.

I'm fine with a little
mercury poisoning...

as long as it means I
get to eat raw fish,

'cause I love it so much.

My doctor said it's really bad...

if you're trying
to get pregnant.

I heard that.

Which Barry and I are doing.

Oh, my God, that's
so exciting!

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I'm sorry.

I just pictured you
and Barry having sex.

And he's so big
and you're so tiny,

and I just...

- Hailey...

Like, I totally imagined
Barry just like...

Okay, hold on, wait.

Why are you even imagining us
doing it anyway?

- I'm seeing it again.
- Well, stop! Stop! Cut it!

No, I love Barry.

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey! Hey!
- Hi!

- Hi!
- What are you doing here?

I just had a meeting downtown...

with the owners of
the development site,

so thought I'd stop in...

and say hi on my way
back to the office.

So, Peter,

how's your little
manhunt coming?

Really, you told
them? Shocking.

Well, I mean, Barry
and his friends...

said they had a great
time with you...

the other night.

- Seriously?
- No.

Well, I just...

I don't drink that
much and they pound.

They were pounding drinks.

Yeah, you're not
used to drinking...

that much.

Excuse me just a second.

Peter Klaven.

Excuse me just one...
Hey, Sydney. How are you?

Is that a man or a woman?

I don't know. I've
never heard of Sydney.

I could be in Venice
by 5:00, yeah.

I can do that.

It's a man-date.
It's a man-date.

This is a man-date.

James' Beach Bar and Grill.

I look forward to
it. Sounds great.

All right. I'll
see you in a jiff.

- 'See you in a jiff'?

I don't know why I said that.

I've never said that
expression before...

in my life. I just said,
'See you in a jiff.'

Honey, you're all flustered.
Who was that?

It was just this guy
that I met at my open house.

- Sydney something or other.
- Sydney. I like it.

- Oh, my God. Peter's
got a boyfriend.

And I don't.

Oh, God, why does everything
have to be about you?

Because I'm single.

I'm meeting him right now.

Dude, no dinner.
He'll get the wrong idea.

You don't wanna get another...

tongue-fucking at
the valet stand.

Yes, Robbie, I
promise. No dinner.

Dude, I'm pumped about this.
Call me when you get home.

Yeah!

Thank you, bro.

All right, so you break it off
with your ex-girlfriend...

Yeah, and I met Zooey
the very next day.

Man, no laj between the vag?

- What does that mean?
- No lag time between vaginas.

Yeah, no. I don't...

I mean, I didn't plan for it
to be like that, you know,

with no laj, but
it just happened.

All right. How's the sex?

That's a little private,
wouldn't you say?

Look, it's something
we think about...

on a second-to-second basis,

and yet we're not supposed
to talk about it? Why?

Well...

I guess no one's ever
really asked me...

before, but it's
good. Sex is good.

- Oh, boy.
- What, 'Oh, boy'?

Well, your voice went up
when you said that.

So?

It means you weren't
being entirely truthful.

Look, I don't know this girl,

so you can talk to
me. What's the deal?

I don't know, I
guess maybe sometimes

I wish that she
enjoyed, you know...

- Getting it in the tush?
- No. No, no, no.

- That's my bad.
- Oral sex.

She doesn't like to
put it in the mouth?

I can't believe I'm
telling you this.

I don't even know
you. Forget it. Look.

Zooey's awesome,
and we have a great sex life.

We really do. I can't...

I don't even know
why I said that.

Because you're
speaking honestly,

all right? Relax.

And what about you?

- You ever been married?
- No.

For what I'm looking for,

divorc?es are
perfect, you know?

They don't want
anything serious,

and neither do I.

Well, hey, man.
You know, if it works for you.

Believe me, Pistol,
it is the best.

- 'Pistol'?
- Yeah. Pistol.

- Because you're
Pete. So Pistol Pete.

Pistol Pete.

Excuse me,

you guys finishing
up here soon?

No, sorry, chief,

we're actually
staying for dinner.

No, actually, I already have
a dinner plan with my fianc?e.

No, dude, this place...

has the best fish
tacos in the world.

Literally. Ranked.
You gotta have one or two.

It's the pico de gallo, man.
Just use your hands.

We're barbarians
after all, men.

Every once in a while,
I go down to the Boardwalk...

and I just throw my own feces
like a gorilla.

You all right?

How can you disagree
with me on this?

I mean, look, my...

It's bad for the whole world.

My lease is gonna be
up and I think...

- Are you talking
about hybrid cars?

Yes. Yes.

I thought you were talking
about hybrid animals.

- Hybrid animals?
- Yeah.

What the fuck is
a hybrid animal?

It took Andre the Giant
a barrel of beer...

to get drunk, sometimes two.

- 'Hello, pretty lady.'
- 'Anybody want a peanut?'

Should we get a third order
of fish tacos?

Hands down,

best fish taco I've
ever had in my life.

God, those tortillas
were incredible.

Yeah, they make them in-house.

It sets up the flavor
for the whole dish.

You know what?
I just realized something.

I never even asked you...

if you were interested
in buying a house.

No. No, why would I be?

Well, it's just when
you called me back.

I didn't know if you wanted...

to talk about real
estate or not.

You just seemed
like a good dude.

I thought I'd see
if you wanted...

to grab a beer. That's all.

I'm glad you called.

- You get home safe, Pistol.
- You got it, Joban.

I'm sorry, what?

Nothing.

- No, what'd you say?
- I don't know.

You... You
nicknamed me Pistol,

and I just called you Joban.

It means nothing. I don't...

I'm drunk. I'm
gonna call a cab.

All right, man.
You have my number, yeah?

I got you stored in my iPhin.

- All right. If you
need me, call, okay?

Man, I'm golden.

- Yeah. All right, man.
- All right, bud.

Have a good night.

I don't know the
number for a taxi.

- Hi, baby.
- Hey.

- Did you have a good time?
- Yeah, we did. Yeah.

Sydney's a cool guy.
Got kind of drunk.

- Really?

Yeah, I had to
take a cab home.

- Really? Did you...
- Throw up in his face?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Good.
- So that's good.

That's good. So is
he your best man?

It's way too early to tell,

but it's very sweet
of you to ask.

Go back to sleep.

I'll be in, in a
second, all right?

I just wanna see
if I got any hits on Ferrigno.

Okay.

- Whoomp! There he
is! There he is!

Stop it. Stop it.

- Ass, ass and titties.
- Stop it. Fucking stop it.

- Fuck, I'm ticklish, Tevin.
- Okay. Uncle. Uncle.

Hey. How was the open hizzy?

- The what?
- The open house.

The open house. It was great.

- Yeah? Did you flip
that bitch yet?

Yeah.

No. I mean, I've
had a few nibbles.

No bites.

Nibbles? Me no likey nibbles.

- Peter, can I talk
to you as a friend?

Sure.

You're dealing with the house...

of a major
Hollywood celebrity.

Mr. Louis Ferrigno,
The Hulk from television.

Of course. I know that.

How badly
do you wanna sell this house?

- I need to. You know, for...
- I know you need to.

You gotta do it the
old-fashioned way.

You gotta network.

You gotta meet
a lot of people.

You gotta get them
some leave-behinds.

- I have brochures.

Brochures are totally
different, okay?

- How?

You see this
picture right here?

- Yeah.
- Do you know who took it?

- No.
- M. Night Shyamalan,

the director of The Village.

- Okay.

What's your bus-bench
ad situation?

- I don't have any.
- What about urinal cakes?

- How about urinal cakes?
- Do you use them?

- When I pee.

That's not what
I'm talking about.

Go into any Olive Garden,
P.F. Chang's Chinese Bistro.

T.G.I. Friday's, Fuddruckers.

What do they have
in the bathroom?

Urinal cakes with
my face on it.

Does it... I don't
see how that would...

I've had people come up to me
on the streets and say,

'I know you from somewhere.'

'Yeah, you do.

You pissed on my
face, friend.'

I don't see how...

having somebody
piss on my face...

is gonna be able to sell
Lou Ferrigno's house.

Peter, you got the steak,

but I got the sizzle,
my nizzle. Right?

Why don't we split
the listing. Okay?

Let me wet my beak
on this action.

We'll both be winners.

I appreciate it, but I'd
really like to try...

and do this myself.

Yeah. Absolutely.

I'm just putting on
my friend hat here.

- I appreciate it. All right.
- Whoomp! There he is!

- Oh, jeez.
- Watch yourself, big girl.

- Fife.

Hey, Sydney. It's the Pistol.

Who?

Peter Klaven from...

the James' Beach
thing the other night.

Hey, yeah, what's
going on, man?

Yeah. Not much. I'm
working like a dog.

But, you know, usual...
The yoozh stuff.

I was just calling
to say, hey.

I had a great time
the other night.

Yeah, I had a nice time, man.
Those fish tacos are the tits.

Yeah, you know, if
you ever wanna...

grab lunch or something,
nothing major.

Yeah. Actually, you know what?
I'm gonna take my puggle...

for a little jaunt
on the Venice Boardwalk.

- You should come meet me.
- All right. Yeah, great.

Cool. Why don't you meet me
at Muscle Beach at like,

- I don't know, in
a half an hour?

Muscle Beach, half an hour.

I will see you there,

or I will see you
on another time.

That was very confusing.

I don't know if you're
gonna come or not.

- No, I'll be there.
I'll be there.

All right, I'll see
you then, buddy.

All right. Laters
on the menjay.

What did I just say?

He's a cross
between a beagle and a pug.

- The most beautiful
dog in the world.

He's cute. What's his name?

Anwar Sadat,

after Anwar Sadat,
former president of Egypt.

Right.

Because you're a fan
of his policies or...

No, because they
look exactly alike.

Hey, so how's Ferrigno coming?
You got any offers yet?

Not yet, no.

This guy that I work
with, Tevin Downey,

he wants to share
the listing with me.

What? And split
the commission?

What about the land
you told me you wanted to buy?

It would put a delay on that,

but I gotta sell
the place, you know?

Tevin's a total cheeseball,

but he markets
himself like crazy.

He's on bus-bench
ads all over town.

You know,

he says the place is
out of my league.

Hey, that is
bullshit. All right?

That open house
was understated.

It was classy and elegant.

I've been to a million
of those things...

and nobody,

nobody puts out
rosemary flatbread paninis.

Now hold on, my
dog needs to shit.

Well, I'm trying
to sell the place,

believe me, but...

Hey, no, Pete.

Trying is having the
intention to fail.

You gotta scrap that word
from your vocab.

Say you're gonna do
it and you will.

Come on, buddy. Good boy.

- You need a plastic bag or...

No, I don't clean
up after my dog.

Dog poop is like a compost.

It's got a ton of nutrients
that enrich the soil.

But we're on pavement.

God damn it!

How about cleaning
up after your dog?

You mind your own fuckhole!

What the fuck? Psycho.

What was that?

I'm a man, Peter.

I've got an ocean
of testosterone...

flowing through my veins.

Society tells us
to act civilized,

but the truth is
we're animals,

and sometimes you
gotta let it out.

Try it.

I'm not gonna start screaming...

in the middle of the
Venice Boardwalk.

Come with me.

- This is silly.
- Indulge me.

That was really good.

Now gently remove your tampon
and try again.

Respect the process.

Why do you wanna
mock the process?

- Because it
doesn't do anything.

No.

If you don't yell,

I'm gonna punch you
in your stomach.

That was really good, man.
That was terrifying.

You just scared my dog.

- Yeah? You feel better?
- Yeah.

- Want to get a corn dog?
- Yeah!

Let's go.

...the span of this,
like, I don't know,

30 pages. It's
insane. It's crazy.

I know. I read it in
college, and I loved it.

What a great house.

Thanks, man.
Yeah, come check out the back.

Yeah.

- This is a bumper
car I got on eBay.

Wow.

I was in a bidding war
with CarnivalKid 32,

so I had to go on the
'Buy It Now' price,

but I got it.

- Coolness.
- And you remember Marlena.

Hey, Lenish.

Now let's check out...

the pi?ce de
r?sistance, bitch.

I wanna do it.
Separate garage.

- Mr. Klaven.
- Very nice.

Welcome to the Temple of Doom.

Holy shit, Sydney.
This place is insane.

Holy fuck. Oh, my God.

- Thanks, man. I try.
- This is amazing.

- Thank you, sir.
- You got some TVs.

I do. I do.

Photographs.

- Beer?
- I'll snake a brew.

- Put on some tunes.
- Is that you?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's me in
ninth grade, man.

- Are you that little kid?
- Yeah, I was a late bloomer.

'Wrecking Crew.'

- Come and take
a load off, bud.

Oh, man.

Pop a squizz nut.

What's going on over there?

This is where I jerk off.

And the condoms?

- I wear them when
I masturbate.

Are you kidding me?

I always get this reaction,

but the fact is they
decrease sensitivity...

so I can last longer.

And there's no sticky
mess to clean up.

And when your
divorc?es come over,

you put them away?

Pete, this is the man cave.

There's no women
allowed in here.

I got a jerk-off station,
for God's sakes.

Sit down, man.

What about when
your guy friends...

come over? Aren't
you embarrassed?

Masturbation is a
part of life, Pete.

Dudes masturbate.
So do chicks.

You never talked
about masturbating...

with your friends?

- No, I haven't.
- All right.

When was the last time
you did it, Pete?

I'm not gonna tell you that.

Hey. Listen, you
think of this place...

as a Cone of
Silence, all right?

I'm not gonna tell anybody...

any of the things
you say in here.

You have my word.

Zooey went to the
Pasadena flea market...

with her friends last weekend,

and I did it then.

Well, that sounds lovely.

What'd you use?
Internet or DVD?

How do you get me
to tell you these things?

Come on.

I used a picture of
Zooey in a bikini...

that I took when we
were on vacation...

in Cabo San Lucas.

Wait, you jacked off...

to a picture of your
own girlfriend?

You... That...
Wow. That is sick.

Oh, my God! What
is wrong with you?

What's wrong with that?

Pedro, there is so
much wrong with that.

I don't even know
where to begin. It's...

- That is sick, man.
- Someone's ears were burning.

Heard you say you jacked off
to her picture, sicko.

Hey, babe.

Good. Yeah, I'm over
here at Sydney's.

We're just chillaxing.

We're in the chill station.

Yeah, I'm kind of
playing hooky...

from work.

No, I'll see you
at home later on.

Love you, too. Bye-bye.

Hey, why'd you tell her
you bailed from work?

I didn't wanna lie to her.

You're one of the
most honest people

I've ever met. You
can understand that.

Yeah, I never lie to women,

but, I mean, there
are some things

I choose not to
share with them.

- I don't really
see the distinction.

Really?

So you've told Zooey
that you jacked off...

to her picture last weekend.

Well, no, but...

All right. Well, you shared...

that information
with me, didn't you?

So there are dividing lines.
That's all I'm trying to say.

Like, I love to take
a girl out to dinner,

but I'm not gonna
go golf 18 holes...

with her.

You know what? Zooey
and I played golf...

together a couple
of months ago.

- It was really fun.

That sounds like a
fucking nightmare.

What do you play?

I play a little
bit of everything,

but if I had to narrow
it down to one.

I guess I'd say I'm an axman.

- Sweet. Guitar.

What about you?
You play anything?

I used to slap the bass
in a high school jazz band.

- All right.
- Rush. I love Rush.

Dude, Rush is the
greatest band...

of all time.

Yeah, no, how
about of all time?

All time.

You know what? We should
jam together sometime, man.

Yeah. Totally.

Totes McGotes. Cool.

Well, you know what?

I should probably
hit it to it.

All right, yeah.

I gotta get to
bed early, anyway.

I'm doing a big day hike...

with my buddies in
Malibu tomorrow.

Yeah. Hey, thanks a
lot. It was a really...

It was a good hang.

- Yeah.
- Sweet, sweet hanging.

- Well, adi?s, Pistol.
- Take it easy, Siddy Slicker.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I called you Siddy Slicker.

- That sucks.
- No, it was pretty close.

It's a lame nickname.

I thought it was good.
It was better than Joban.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna get it.
I'll get a better one.

- Dude, it was fine.
- I'm gonna get you.

- Get out of here.
Get out of here.

I'm gonna get you, sucka.

Later on, my...

Peter, I have a Lou
Ferrigno for you...

on line three.

Put him through.

Mr. Ferrigno. Hey,
it's Peter Klaven.

Peter, what the
hell's going on?

Yeah. If you just go
past the first area...

to the left, he's right there.

- Sure. What's your name?
- Leanne.

Leanne. That was
my mother's name.

- Really?
- I don't know. Was it?

Peter, it's been on the market
for three weeks...

- Yes.

... and we haven't
gotten one offer.

And that's why we're
having another...

open house this weekend.

Hello, mystery woman.

I think it was
very beneficial,

very beneficial.

Beneficial? It was beneficial?

So you're telling me
we're gonna sell this house?

Absolutely,

and I've gotten many
nibbles this week.

- Nibbles?
- Yes, sir.

It's all about food
with you, Peter.

No one cares about...

the stupid sandwiches
you put out.

No, sir. No, I absolutely
agree with you.

You want to sell a house
and not a panini.

- Paninis? Paninis?
- Yes, sir.

Don't make him angry.

Enough with the cold cuts,
the condiments.

- You wouldn't like
him when he's angry.

What the hell you
think this is?

No, I understand.

It's an open house
and not a deli.

- Peter? Hello?
You need to focus.

Yeah. Yep. I think...

- I think...

Let people know my
house is for sale.

Forget about the sandwiches...

and focus on selling
my fucking house.

- Let's do this, okay?
- Yes, sir.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Goodbye.

All right, thank you. Bye-bye.

You all right?

- Hulk busting your balls?
- Yeah.

- What are you doing here?

My blood bank's a
few blocks away.

I'm AB negative.
It's extremely rare,

so I try to donate
every couple of weeks.

That's really nice, Sydney.

There's also this nurse there
who I wanna fuck so badly.

Oh, boy, here we go.
Should have guessed.

Hey, weren't you
supposed to go hiking...

with your friends today?

Yeah, a couple of
them had to bail,

but we'll reschedule.

Anyway, listen, I
got a house full...

of leftover Koo Koo Roo,

so I was thinking maybe you...

and me could go
grab some lunch...

and squeeze in a
little jam session?

Leftover Koo Koo Roo?

Well, that sounds
about as appetizing as...

a big pile of...
A plate of dirt, or something.

I'm... I was... I'm kidding.

Yeah. I still want to hang out
despite that joke.

- That was a bad joke.

Yeah. You're better than that.

That's it.

- How's that feel?
- It feels tasty.

- Yeah? You sound
pretty good, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Here we go.

Wow, that's a good one, bud.

Hey, check out these two.

I call them bowsers.
It's my nickname...

for people who look
just like their dog.

Good boy.

Bowsers?
Where'd you come up with that?

It sounded right.

Shit. Hey, geek!

I just stepped in
your dog's shit.

Now I'm gonna make you eat it.

Peter, run!

- Yeah!
- Take it.

It's a bit of a throwback,
but it comes...

with the built-ins.
It's wired for sound.

This is fun.

This is a pair of jeans
that he actually...

This house is exquisite.

I'd like to make an offer.

What do you think, hon?

Yeah, I don't like that,

but for the most
part, I mean...

- Take it.
- Really?

Yeah, take it.

Sydney, what's up, man?

What happened? What?

Shut up! No.

Did it smell weird?
Is it discolored?

Shut the fuck up!

So how long have you guys
known Sydney?

- It feels like forever.
- What?

Remember that time
we tripped acid together...

- and he made us
watch the news?

That was a remarkable night.

- Dude. Dude. Don't. Dude.
- Don't be scared.

- Stop it. Stop
it. Drive! Drive!

Don't lean! Don't lean!

Yeah, Pistol.

Dude, Peter is on fire.

- Boo-yah! Yeah!
- Fuck me raw!

That's what I'm talking about.

- Sweet lunge, Peter.
- Yeah, Pete.

Suck it, Gil!

I love it!

Marvin Berry.

'You remember...

that new sound you
were looking for?'

Pete!

- Are you all right?
- My fucking ass.

- Hey, you did great
today though, man.

You did. You made it up.

- I made it to the
top. First time.

Good job, bro.

- Hey, nice meeting you.
- Yeah, nice meeting you guys.

- All righty, Syd.
- Wait, where you going?

It's Sunday night.

Tina's nephews
are coming over.

We're gonna watch

Mr. Magorium's
Wonder Emporium.

No, it's just, I thought...

we were all gonna
have dinner together,

so I ordered us a 6-foot sub.

But I gotta bolt, too.
I promised the kids

I'd take them to Cheeseria.

A little pizza action.

Yeah, well, I'm just
gonna be stuck...

at home grading
papers tonight,

but thanks anyway. All right?

Fun day, guys.

- Pete?

Man, you know,
on Sunday night.

Zooey and I usually watch HBO.

Right. Yeah, yeah,
of course. Cool.

But I can't let you eat
a 6-foot sub all by yourself.

- Do you want some?
- No.

I had like a foot and a half
back at Sydney's. I'm golden.

So, what do you
guys do for, like,

seven straight hours?

Whatever. I mean,
like, we'll just...

hang out, you know.
Shoot the shit.

Sometimes we jam a little bit.

- You play an instrument?
- Yeah.

I can't believe I've
never told you.

I play bass.

- Really?

Yeah. I slap the
bass big time.

What do you... What is that?
You sound like a leprechaun.

- No, that's a reggae guy.
- What is that?

- I just did reggae.
- It doesn't sound...

- It doesn't sound reggae?
- No.

- Slap the bass.
- No.

- How does it...

It's like, big time, big time.

- Big time.

Big time. Slap
the bass big time.

Slap the bass.

- That sounded like Borat.
- Yeah.

- Slap the bass. Big time.

That's better. That's better.

Syd and I have gotten
pretty good...

at a couple of Rush songs.

What do you mean, like,
fast-paced rock?

No, like, Rush.
Like the band Rush.

- I don't know them. The...
- The holy triumvirate.

- Wait, you don't know Rush?
- No.

- You don't know
Rush, the band?

No.

- 'Exit the warrior,
today's Tom Sawyer'?

No!

All right, I'm
gonna hit you up...

with a little iTunes acci?n.

I cannot believe
you've never heard Rush.

So when am I gonna
meet this guy...

who's stolen you away from me?

Pretty soon, actually.

I invited him...

to that little
engagement party...

my parents are
throwing for us.

Wow, Peter! This is serious.

It's mellow. Besides,

I wanted to introduce
him to Hailey.

- That's interesting.
Yeah, I like that.

Right?

Hey, let me ask you something.

Are you ready to get
your world rocked?

Ready! Yes.

- Are you ready to
get your mind blown?

Do it!

Do you want to get
some Neil Peart...

all up in you?

I don't know.

Well, prepare to be Rushified!

- Sounds better
on big speakers.

I could see that.

- Good, right?
- Yeah.

- Do you do it that
high when you do it?

Well, in real
life, I do it low.

- But air bass
works best up here.

Right.

This is exactly
what I look like...

when I jam out, man.

When I jam with my bass.

Slap the bass, man.

- There you go. There you go.
- I'm slapping the bass, man.

Slap the bass, man.
I slap the bass.

Please don't do that.

- Slap the bass.
- Please?

Slap the bass.

- For the sake of
our relationship.

Slap that bass.

Please stop.
Please. Please stop!

Thank you.

I'm slapping the bass.

I'm so glad...

you're celebrating
at my restaurant.

Of course, Mr. Chu.
We wouldn't go anywhere else.

Hey, this is my
brother, Robbie.

Robbie, this is Sydney.

- Hey, Bro Namath.
- Nice. Nice to meet you.

- Peter, you remember Alan.
- From the gym.

- Yeah, hey, man.
- Hi, good to see you again.

- Alan, I'm Sydney.
- Sydney, nice to meet you.

It's a pleasure, man.

All right.
We're gonna grab some drinks.

- Cool, sweet.

All right. Show them
your stuff, fellas.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Zooey, this is Sydney.

Sydney, this is my
fianc?e, Zooey.

Sydney, I'm so
happy to meet you.

I've heard so many
great things.

Same here. And
let me tell you,

this guy, he's gaga over you.
It's adorable.

- Honestly.
- It's true. It's true.

- It's true.
- Guilty as charged.

Hailey. Hailey.

Sydney, this is my
oldest friend...

in the world, Hailey.

- All right.
- Hi. I'm good.

You didn't ask, but I'm good.

- Nice to meet you, Sydney.
- It's a pleasure.

Great. I told you
we were early.

- Would you shut up?
- It's supposed to be...

The minute we get in...

you have to start
bitching already?

- You told me it
was a drop-by.

You know what?

- This isn't a drop-by.
- This is not a drop-by.

It's a damn engagement party.
What is wrong with you?

Can I have a Belvedere
on the rocks,

- please?
- You're such an asshole.

Could you just shut up...

and not talk to
people tonight?

And something
with sour mix in it for her.

I'm sorry they didn't
cater this to you...

and your liking.

- Hey, guys.
- No...

- Hi, you look beautiful!
- Hey.

- Hello, sweetie.
How you doing, baby?

Hi.

- Thanks for coming.
- Hi.

- You guys know each other.
- How you doing? Yeah, we do.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. So...

- What do you got there?
- Sex on the beach. Yeah.

You never know!
Gotta be prepared.

- The possibility.
- Wow.

I'm just saying, you know.

- What is going on over there?
- Yeah, let me tell you.

- Is that her date?

I'll give you the
whole lowdown.

Should we...

What's up?

Hey, I don't remember.
Do you play an instrument?

- No.

Because Syd and I,
my buddy Sydney,

- we've been jamming a lot...

I don't play any instruments.

I slap some bass,
and then Sydney's an axman.

'Cause I was gonna say
if you wanted to jam with us,

you know, that'd be cool.
But you don't have...

You have a piano in
your house, though,

don't you?

- Yeah, I don't play.

Really? Why do
you have a piano?

The decorator put it there.

Your... Does
he... I thought...

No one plays?

- I'm gonna go
check on the table.

All right. Yep.

- Hi. I'm Denise.
- Hi.

- Denise.
- I'm Zooey's friend.

I've heard so much about you.

- It smells like a
fucking pet shop in here.

Hi. How are you? Okay.

- Mrs. Klaven, the
banquet room is ready.

And who's Mr. Sunshine here?

Hi. This is my husband, Barry.

Come on back, everybody.
The banquet room is ready.

Well, I'm filling myself up.
I need to undo my pants.

There's a lot of
protein, but I love it.

If I may, I think
it's only fitting...

that we're eating
tonight at Hop Louie's...

because this is, after all.

Peter's favorite restaurant
to bring all of his dates.

So of course he would
bring Zooey here...

their first night out.

- Just like the rest of them.
- No.

I remember that
night when Peter...

got home, he called
me and he said,

'Mom, this is the girl
I'm gonna marry.'

And it's not just
because she wanted...

an extra order of
slippery shrimp.

On the first date?

- Hey, now.
- Sometimes.

But the point is,

here we are eight
months later.

Peter, Zooey,

we love you,

and we wish only the
best for you both.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- To Peter and Zooey.
- Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Thanks, Mom.

- Cheers, bro.
- Thanks.

Well, I promised Denise...

we'd be gone after
appetizers, so...

You know what?

I'd actually like to
just say a few words...

- if it's cool with the table.
- Wow.

What an honor it is
to be sitting here...

with Peter and Zooey's
friends, family.

Hailey, Robbie's lover,
Robbie, Oz, Joyce.

Thank you...

for hosting this
beautiful dinner.

You got this guy
with the smoking hot wife.

And finally, we got Zooey.

Zooey, you are about to marry
one of the most honest,

kind and fun-loving people

I've ever had the
honor of knowing.

The Pistol is a
pleasure-giver,

that's for sure.

Yeah. A fucking puke pistol.

And the thing about
a man like that,

a man like Peter,

is that he never asks
for anything in return,

and that's why I'm here.

I'm here as Peter's friend,
as Peter's confidant,

just to say to you,
beautiful Zooey,

give it back. Yeah?

Return the favor.

And if you do.

I guarantee that you
will have a beautiful...

and pleasure-filled union.

- I don't think
she sucks his dick.

Watch your mouth.

With that, I'd like
to raise a glass...

to Pete and Zooey.

Cheers.

- Peter and Zooey.
- Cheers.

What the hell did
you tell Sydney...

about me?

Nothing.

I mean, aside from
how much I love you.

So, what was with all that
pleasure-giver stuff?

I don't...

I might have mentioned
in passing...

or something...

that you don't like
doing oral sex.

- Peter, that
stuff is private.

Is it? Really?

And telling Hailey and Denise...

about the hot tub
in Mexico isn't?

- That is so
different. They're...

What? How?

- I've known them forever.
- So?

Peter, see, Sydney's
like a stranger.

Hardly. He's become
a really good friend of mine,

and now you know how I feel
when there's no privacy...

- between you and
your girlfriends.

I thought you
loved those guys.

I do, I love them,
but, you know,

some things I want to remain
between you and me.

Okay. Okay.

By the way,

it's not that I
don't like doing it.

It's just that

Rodney just hated
getting them.

Wait, what guy hates
getting blowjobs?

He had some weird
intimacy problems, okay?

By the end of our
relationship, he would...

literally shiver
when I touched him.

But before that,
I always liked it.

I liked it.

Great. That's great.

Perfect. I mean, no pressure.
It's not like I'm saying,

'Hey, let's go home tonight...

and get some BJs.'
But, you know...

Look, if Sydney
hadn't asked me...

about our sex life,

we wouldn't even be
talking about this.

- That's true.
- Yeah.

You're right.

- And Hailey was
really into him.

She was?

Yeah, she liked how honest
and direct he was with her.

And, yeah, I know,
that's the way he is.

That's his thing.

- The four of us
should go out.

Yeah. That'd be great.

Yeah.

Sweet.

- Well, have a good
Pilates class.

I will.

- Be sure to drink
lots of water.

Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, Pete, let's
go out back, yeah?

Yeah.

- She was very nice-looking.
- Yeah, I fucked her.

I wonder if my pineapple
matches your pineapple.

Hey, you want to check?

Nope. Yours is short and fat
and mine is long and skinny.

Yeah.

Pete, can I talk to
you about something?

- Yeah, what's up?

Will you put down
your treat...

for a minute?

I feel really horrible
about that toast

I gave at your
engagement dinner.

It was ridonculous.

I was really excited
to meet Zooey...

and your family,

and then I showed up there...

and I was just...
I got so nervous.

It wasn't so great.

I want you to know
I'm really sorry.

Everybody must hate me.

No, no, no.
Look, you had good intentions.

- I did.

I know one person
that didn't hate you.

Was it Benji's wife?
She's a hot piece of ass.

- No, Hailey.
- Yeah. She was funny.

I think she likes you.
We should all go out.

She seems great,
Pete, but honestly,

within five minutes
of meeting her,

she was telling me
how she can't wait...

to get married and have kids.

Look, she was kidding around.

I made reservations
to play golf...

on Sunday for the four of us.

No, Pete, I told you,

I don't play
sports with women.

Look, man, you told my fianc?e...

that she needs to
give me blowies...

in front of my whole
family, all right?

You owe me.

- You make a valid point.
- It's golf. It's fun!

I never have a beer
until the ninth hole.

Maybe we can change that rule.

- Okay. All right.

Keep your head down and fluid.

- Okay. Okay.
- Great, come on. You got it.

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa!

- Zooey, that
was a great shot.

Great shot.

Really, really good.
I'm really impressed.

I'm sorry! I'm
sorry. I'm sorry.

- Fuck!

Sorry. Sorry. I'm
sorry, Sydney. Sorry.

Motherfucker!

Fucking cock in my
fucking shit! God!

- Mary.
- You okay, man?

- I'm sorry.
- This is my nightmare!

- Whack it up.
- Whack it, Hails.

- Beautiful day.

Yeah, it is. It's really nice.

It's kind of frustrating.

Yeah. My shin hurts.

I didn't realize...

my skin could bruise
that quickly.

- You're good.

Guys, you're killing
us here. Seriously.

- Let's get the ladies moving.

Listen, just give me a second.

Rate of play, rate of
play, rate of play,

rate of play, rate of play.

Hailey, you know what,
why don't we just...

pick it up and move
down the fairway?

- No, this is fine.

Because she won't
have a chance...

- to practice, right, Peter?
- I got it.

He's kind of got
a point. I mean,

we're really holding
these guys up.

You're being an asshole.

Hailey, just take
your time, okay?

He's really not
being an asshole.

There's a protocol.

The marshals come by,

and there is some
time pressure.

- You know, I'm
done. This sucks.

Hailey, please...

- I'm out of here.
- Please don't go.

- Where are you going?
- Come on, Hailey. It's okay.

- I apologize. I'm sorry.

I mean, we'll...
Come on, Hailey.

- Please come back.
- Where are you going?

- Did you say something?
- No.

Thank you.

- Hey, man.
- Dude Von Dudenstein,

- what are you doing tonight?

I just left you
half an hour ago.

I'm watching HBO with Zooey.

I know, but I just
got an e-mail alert...

from the Rush fan club.

The Holy Trinity is playing...

a small club gig
tonight at the Avalon.

Dude, it's Sunday night.
I can't bail on her again.

Dude, you have
your whole life...

to sit around...

and watch premium
cable with Zooey.

Whatever, it's our
ritual. It's HBO.

It's not TV, it's HBO.

Have you ever watched
Sunday night...

programming on HBO?
It's spectacular.

It's fucking Rush.

I haven't seen them
since the Signals tour.

Can I invite Zooey?

- Slapping the bass!
- Slapping the bass!

What the fuck?

Yeah!

My God. We could
practice every day...

for six months, and
I'm planning on it,

and we'll still suck. Yeah.
I'll give you a call.

All right. Take
it easy, Magooch.

- Were you spying on me?
- Yeah, I was.

Because I'm totally
weirded out...

about what's going
on between you two.

What are you talking about?

We were just going
over the set list.

- I mean, what's the big deal?
- The big deal is...

that we were supposed to have
a date night,

and you took me
to this concert,

which is cool,

but then we get there...

and it's like I
don't even exist.

You don't even look at me.

You're licking
Sydney's bass guitar.

There were tons of guys...

that were licking
each other's basses.

I just...

I feel like I'm losing
you a little bit.

What? We were just doing
a recap of the set list.

- What? Zooey.
- Okay.

I was going over the set list.

So the big day's coming up.
How are you feeling?

Well, you know,
I was feeling really good,

but Zooey and I have been
fighting a lot recently.

All right, let me
ask you a question.

Why are you marrying her?

What kind of question is that?

Well, it seems to me
like you've gone...

from relationship
to relationship,

so is Zooey the one
or is she just the next one?

No, she's the one.

All right, well, how come?

Because.

I don't know. We're in love.

And...

That's a hard
question to answer.

Listen, I'm not trying
to push you at all.

It's just for me,

sometimes talking this
stuff out helps...

to clarify things. That's all.

Let's go try on
some penguin suits.

Thank you, lovely.
What's your name?

- Raquel.
- That was my mother's name.

So I'm thinking
about asking Tevin...

if he wants in on
the Ferrigno house.

Dude, I pissed on
that guy's face...

at a Bennigan's.

You do not need
to be splitting commission...

with that frosty-haired chode.

I have to face facts, Syd.
I'm a flats guy, you know?

Tevin's got the flash needed
to sell the place.

What do you think?

You look fucking stiff.

We're shopping for tuxedos
for your wedding, man.

Let's have a good time.
Loosen it up a little bit.

I wanna take a photo.
Now, give me an action pose.

Like what? What do you mean?

Well, you're wearing a tuxedo.
What do you think I mean?

When have you ever seen...

anyone in a tuxedo
do that move?

Besides Runaway Bride.

The ESPYs.

You're wearing a tuxedo.
Think James Bond, all right?

Give me some James Bond.

No.

It just looks like
you're pointing at me.

- You look ridiculous, man.

What am I... How
can I... I can't...

- Think Timothy Dalton.
- T-Dalt.

Hey, that's pretty good.

Tell you what.

Give me your best
Bond impression.

Why don't you get
off your board...

and get on...

'Get out of my dreams
and into my car.'

You looking for
your pot of gold?

Why does everything I do
sound like a leprechaun?

You tell me. He speaks
like the coolest man on earth.

- The name is Bond. Oh, yeah.
- There you go.

The name is James Bond.

James Bond.

I'll have a margarita.

Well, hey there,
Miss Moneypussy.

Wanna jump on my jetpack?

All right, enough of that.

Let's just take the
picture, all right?

Arch an eyebrow for
me. Other eyebrow.

No, you just look confused.

Arch your eyebrow up.
No, not both, just one.

I don't know how...

All right, maybe I was wrong.
Let's see the back.

You know what?

I'm not sure I'm in
love with the drape.

What's wrong with the drape?
Does the vent move funny?

You should wear something...

with a little more
pizzazz, right?

- A little more flash.

You don't like
the split panel?

- Peacock it out a bit.
- No.

- Let's try...
- What are those? Checkers?

- Here. Give this one a try.
- Give me a break.

- No way, man.
- Come on.

I can't fricking pull
that off. It's blue.

Look at me.

You have this image
of yourself...

as this straight-laced,
tight guy,

but I've seen you cut loose...

in the man cave,
and it is fantastic.

Well, yeah. Slap
a little bass.

Yeah, it's the same
with the Ferrigno house.

You have all of the
skills in the world,

and you have no confidence.

Now, sack up, man.

Put on the fucking suit.

I can't believe you
just touched my balls.

Hey, so listen, I also wanted...

to talk to you
about something.

This investment opportunity...

has come up. It's
a total winner.

The only problem is...

all my funds are
tied up in equities,

so I'm cash poor right now.

So I was wondering
if you would...

consider loaning
me a few shekels?

How much are we talking about?

You know, 8.

$8,000. That's...
That's a lot of...

That's a lot of
quiche, you know?

A lot of cake.

It just... It might
be a little tricky,

just 'cause Zooey's dad
is out of the picture,

and, you know,

we're paying for the
wedding ourselves.

You know what? Enough said.

An opportunity came up.

I thought I would
ask. No big deal.

Can you tell me
about the investment?

I can't, actually.

It's confidential
in nature, so...

Okay. Let me think about it.

Yeah, of course, buddy.

Hello, Peter.

Doug!

- This is my...
- Sydney.

Sydney. This is Sydney.

You know, it takes
a lot of nerve...

to spend a beautiful evening
with someone...

and then never
call them again.

Doug, I can explain.

I just wish I could
take back that kiss,

because I felt something
that I haven't felt in years,

and now I know
it was the taste of betrayal.

It wasn't the
taste of betrayal.

- It was the
taste of betrayal.

No, it really wasn't.

It was the taste of betrayal,
you fucking whore.

- Doug.
- Good day.

Doug, wait.

- I can actually
explain what just...

I would love to hear that.

Wow. I mean, I knew when I got...

the nod for the
engagement dinner...

you didn't have
a ton of friends,

but I had no idea
it went that far.

Truth is, I never even
thought about it...

until Zooey and I got engaged.

It's like,

you were basically
just using me...

because you needed...

to fill out your
wedding party.

Dude, no. Not it at all.

I'd actually given up
on meeting someone,

and then you wandered...

into that open house,
we hit it off,

and three-quarters of the Rush
songbook later, here we are.

- I just wish
you'd have told me.

Well, I was embarrassed.

I mean, you've had
a close group...

of male friends your
whole life. I haven't.

I started feeling
like some kind of weirdo.

I get it. But I just
want you to know...

that you're my friend,

and you can tell me anything.

Thanks, Sydney. I
appreciate that.

Hey, man, look, about
that investment...

Pete, please,

forget I even brought
it up, honestly.

I've been saving
my whole life,

and you were right.

I'm gonna sell the
Ferrigno place.

Fuck, yeah, you are.

I'd be happy to
lend you the money.

I know you're good for it.

Pistol, that is
great. Thank you.

It's the least I could do...

for the best man
at my wedding.

What are you talking about?

I want you to stand
up there with me.

Are you cool with that?

Am I cool with that?

Of course I'll be
your best man!

That's an honor! It's...

You're a whore, Peter.

- I think we're almost there.

I think we're
almost there, too.

I think it's just
about putting...

the random people together.

- Yeah.

We should talk about
the main table,

because if Hailey
doesn't find a date...

before the wedding,

which, let's be honest,

it seems pretty likely
that she won't...

I know.

...we have an extra
seat at our table.

Well, I was
thinking that maybe

Sydney would sit at our table.

I asked him to be my best man.

Great! That's awesome.
That was the whole thing.

I'm not an idiot.

You're not psyched
about this at all.

No, it's just...

I feel like he has
some issue with me.

What? No. You guys
just haven't...

spent any time together.

- We've spent some
time together.

I'll talk to him.

Peter, do not talk to him.

He's gonna think

I'm saying stuff
behind his back.

- You are saying
stuff behind his back.

No. I'm just sharing
a feeling with you.

And I want you to.

But, Peter,

please don't say
anything to him.

Okay, I won't.

So, we still have...

to pick up the
marriage license.

- Can you meet up
tomorrow afternoon?

Totally, yeah. Perfect.

So, what'd she say
about me being your best man?

She was pumped.
She thought it was awesome.

Come on, dude.

I'm the worst liar.

I promised her I
wouldn't say anything.

Well, what is it?

She thinks you don't like her.

What? That is... No,
of course I like her.

Are you...

We've only hung
out a few times,

but she's gonna be your wife.
Of course I like her.

This dumb toast
is gonna haunt me forever.

Oh, man!

Dude, why is Ferrigno eating...

with that
urinal-cake-faced fuckhead?

We gotta confront
him. Hold this.

No, wait. Sydney, wait, wait.
Wait. Sydney!

Hey! Hey! Hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey!

What the fuck is
going on here?

- Do I know you?
- No, you don't know me,

but I believe you know
my friend Peter Klaven,

who has an exclusive listing
on this man's property.

Lou, you promised Peter
the commission to your house.

I know, but he's not
doing shit with it.

That is total crap,
Hulk, all right?

Listen, this kind of stuff
doesn't happen overnight.

Peter, who the
hell is this guy?

Hulk, let me tell
you something...

about Peter...

Look, please get
your hand out of...

my face and stop
calling me Hulk.

I'm a person, okay?

I'm a person, okay.

- I warned you.
- You warned me?

- Hello?
- Hey.

I'm on my way to
the marriage bureau.

Fuck you, Lou Ferrigno!

Is that Sydney?

- Hey!
- Fuck you, Hulk!

Oh, shit.

What the... What
are you doing?

- What's going on?

Sydney. He's fighting
Lou Ferrigno.

Peter! He's so strong!

- Easy. Don't fight it.

The Hulk has me in
a sleeper hold,

- and I don't think
I can take him...

Easy. That's it.

Peter!

- Wow.
- Peter!

Why the fuck would anyone...

get in a fight
with Lou Ferrigno?

Sydney's a hothead.

He thought he was
standing up for me.

To The Incredible Hulk?

No, that's just a
character he played.

In real life, Lou's
actually a sweet man.

So, what does that mean
for your development property?

It means it's over.

Without the Ferrigno
commission.

I'm not gonna be
able to afford it.

You have some money saved up.

Can't you just
write them a check,

you know, to show
your good faith?

Between the wedding, and then,

you know, I lent
Sydney some money.

I mean, it's just
I'm gonna be short.

That's it.

Wait. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

You lent Sydney money?

For an investment.

All his money's tied
up in equities.

- He's gonna pay me back.
- Peter, that's not the point.

We're getting
married. You can't...

just keep stuff
like this from me.

Can I ask you a question?

Why do you think
we're getting married?

What are you talking about?

No, it's just...
Sydney asked me...

that question,
and I couldn't...

'Well, why Zooey?'

And I didn't know
how to answer it.

- Are you kidding?
You're kidding, right?

Yes.

Two weeks before
our wedding...

and you don't know
why you're marrying me?

Just forget it. It
was a stupid question.

I don't even know
what I was thinking.

Just forget... Take
it back 10 seconds...

before I asked it,

and let's live in that time.

The thing is, Peter,

I get why you would
wonder that. I do.

But I wish you would
have answered...

the question before
you proposed to me.

That's the thing.

Before I didn't even
think about it.

That came out bad, too.
I didn't... I'm so...

I'm confused.
I don't know what I'm saying.

Let me just make this
a little simpler for you.

I'm gonna go stay
with Denise and Barry,

and you and your bud Sydney...

can hang out and beat
up Lou Ferrigno...

and go to Rush concerts...

and ride a tandem bicycle down...

the Venice Boardwalk
for all I care.

- We never rode bicycles.
- Goodbye!

Zooey, come on!
This is ridiculous!

Zooey! Zooey!

Oh, my God.

My God.

All right, he put
up some billboards.

Put up some billboards.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God! No!

Fuck me over.
Fucking fucking fuck!

Are you kidding me?

Come on!

Yeah, it's open.

Hey.

That's what you
borrowed $8,000 for?

You saw the billboards.
Pretty awesome, right?

Pretty awesome?

My buddy Dave sells ad space,
so he got us a great deal.

Pretty awesome?
They're idiotic.

You put my face on
a 10-foot dick...

over Santa Monica Boulevard.

Yeah. It's hilarious.

Well, in one day you
managed to screw...

my career, you ruined
my relationship...

What are you talking about?
Ruin your relationship?

Zooey walked out on me...

because I asked her
why we were getting married.

Why would you ask her that?

Pete, that conversation
was between you and me.

You can't have that talk
with her. I just...

Look, I assumed you
understood that.

God, I am so sick
of your ridiculous rules.

I like it that I
can share things...

with Zooey.

I like it that if I
can't sleep at night,

she's there to talk to.

Do you know the best night

I've had in the
last five years...

is the night...

that Zooey and I split
a bottle of wine,

we made a summer salad,
and watched Chocolat together.

- You mean Chocolate?
- Chocolat.

- Chocolate with Johnny Depp.
- Chocolat.

You're not fucking
French, Pete.

It's called Chocolate.

Chocolate has
got an 'E' on it.

- That was your
favorite night?

Yes.

Your best night in
five years is...

watching Chocolate
with Johnny Depp?

You should be
ashamed of yourself.

The combination of wine...

and summer salad
and Chocolat, yeah.

You should be embarrassed.

You know, I think
you're threatened...

by what Zooey and I have...

because you're afraid

I won't be able to
hang out every night.

Hey, you know what?

I have a ton of
friends, all right?

Yeah, who are all moving on
with their lives.

They're in relationships.
They have kids.

They're growing up.

Hey, let's not forget.
You were the one using me.

- I think we were
using each other.

Whatever.

I really don't understand
what's going on right now.

I think we should spend
some time apart.

Okay.

So if I actually do
wind up having a wedding,

it's probably best
that you not be there.

Yeah. Sounds good to me, Pete.

And if you could have
those billboards taken down...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it'll take...

a few days, but I
will get on that.

And I'll also make
sure you get...

your money back as
soon as possible.

Also, I think you have...

my season 2 Lost
DVDs. If you...

- lf you haven't
watched them yet...

It's fine, Pete.
They're right here.

- Thanks.
- Yep.

It's just Zooey hasn't
seen them all yet,

and she's really
curious as to what...

was going on
inside that hatch.

Yep.

- I wish you the
best of luck, Peter.

You, too, Sydney.

Bye, Anwar.

- Hey, Denise.
Sorry to bother you.

It's... I'll go get Zooey.

- Thank you.
- It's okay.

- Hey, Barry.
- Poker night.

- Full table.
- That's okay.

I'm here to talk
to my fianc?e.

Nice face.

Thank you.

- On the billboards.
- Right. Yeah.

- Yeah, my friend
Sydney, he...

I don't give a shit.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Could I talk to you outside?
- Yeah.

- License to sell.
- Yeah.

Look, that's what
Sydney borrowed...

all that money for.

He thought it would
help my career.

Well, it got your
name out there.

Besides, you look pretty cute
with a thick mustache.

Zooey, look,

I'm so sorry that
I asked you...

why you thought we
should get married.

It's just that I've
been talking...

about this stuff with Sydney,

and, you know, it
made me nervous.

Peter, I'm nervous, too, okay?
It's a big deal.

I couldn't believe
actually how sure...

you seemed about
the whole thing,

which is why I freaked
out when you...

all of a sudden
started questioning it.

Well, I'm sure about us
for so many reasons.

Truth is, I've been
a girlfriend guy,

but out of all those girls,

you're the only one...

that wanted me to
have my own life.

You know? You want me...

to have friends
for me, not you.

It's, like, one of
the most romantic...

things I could ever think of.

What's up?

Dude, come on.

Zooey, I love you,
and I wanna spend...

the rest of my life with you.

Can we get this engagement
back on track?

Okay.

- Please?
- Yes. Yes.

- Come on, it's poker night.
- So?

So just take her out
for a cup of coffee...

or something.

I'm not taking her out
for a cup of coffee.

Why don't you take the boys...

to fucking Starbucks
and play poker?

Because it's poker night here.
It's always poker night here.

Yeah, that's my best friend.

I'm not leaving her, ever.
How about that?

She can stay here
for five years...

if she wants to.

You're gonna dress up like...

a cheerleader tonight
for me, all right?

Fine. Get the
fuck out of here.

Hey, Zooey, you can
stay here as long...

as you want. You
are always welcome.

- Thank you.
- Okay? Hey, by the way.

Peter, they've got
plenty of room open...

on the poker table.

They were lying.

They'd love to have
you play poker.

- I'm not going to.
- Okay.

Oh, my God.

Barry and Denise
fight all the time,

and then they
have really loud,

intense make-up sex.

Please get me out
of here, please.

- Let's get your
stuff. Come on.

Okay.

By the way, I ended
things with Sydney.

Peter, really?

I hope that's not
because of me.

No, no. He can be a
great guy. It's just...

It wasn't really working out.

Then you process
your purchase.

That sounds riveting.

I just stepped
in your dog's crap, asshole!

Aren't you gonna pick up
your dog's shit, shit giant?

Pick up your shit like a man!

Nice scarf, dickwad!

- Okay, so what should
be our last song?

Into the Mystic.

That's perfect.
That is perfect.

Okay. Okay, so we have to go...

through the place
cards one more time,

'cause I'm a little bit...

Why don't you just call him?

Because guys don't do that.

E, Ethan. What's up, my man?
E. Bone Capone.

I'm just hanging out, man.

I wanted to see if
you wanted to come...

over and watch
TV or something.

Again you're gonna watch
the Wonder Emporium?

Dude, what the fuck is there
to do at LEGOLAND...

that you take these kids there
every weekend?

I understand that...

that's not the
point of teaching,

but just give them
all B pluses.

Can I... Could
I come with you?

What do you mean,
the kids think I'm creepy?

- Good to see you, Peter.
- You, too, Mel.

You know, I haven't
had a real friend...

since my wife passed.

I'm really glad you called.

Hey, do you have any plans
on June 30th?

I'm 89 years old.
What the fuck...

kind of plans would I have?

Just needed an adjustment.
I hope it'll be better now.

My mother knew Roux's return...

had nothing to do with
the silly old door.

So did I.

Stupid.

My favorite, hot chocolate.

Davis Dunn, how may
I direct your call?

- Hey, Leanne.
- Peter. Where have you been?

Well, it's my
wedding this weekend,

so I've been helping
my fianc?e...

with all the last-minute
preparations.

They broke the mold
when they made you.

Yeah.

Go check your voice mail.

You got like a
million messages.

Yeah, is this Pistol Pete?

I have a home in Los Feliz,

and I've been
trying to sell it,

and I saw your billboards.

I'm very impressed
with your ads.

License to sell?
That's hysterical!

It's like James Bond.

Hi, I'm interested
in buying the Ferrigno estate.

- lf you could give me a call.
- Oh, my God.

I love the one with
you in the bed.

My number is 310...

- My husband and
I saw your ad...

Stop. Slow down.

Hello, Peter. It's Doug.

Saw the billboards.
They are wonderful.

Wouldn't expect
anything less from you.

And sorry about
calling you a whore.

And hello to Sydney...

if you guys are
still together.

Otherwise, you
can Facebook me.

Peter, hi. It's Lou Ferrigno.
Wonderful billboards.

Listen, I'm sorry
if I ever doubted you, man.

I told that douchebag Tevin...

that I want you to have...

the exclusive
back on my house.

- Excuse me, Mr. Ferrigno?
- Yeah.

- Ten-minute warning.
- Okay. Thank you.

So just call me
or just text me.

Goodbye, my friend.

There's my dog!

Hey, me rikey the billboards.

I completely
underestimated you,

my brother.

What say we go
down to Houston's,

get a burger and a beer...

and talk about how
we can tag-team...

the Ferrigno deal?

Why are you slapping me?

Because I wanted...

to cause you some
physical pain,

but I have never
actually hit anybody...

in the face. It freaks me out.

And I didn't really
know what to do.

Tevin, stay the fuck away
from my listing.

- Hey, Carolyn.
- Hey, Pete.

Good luck, Peter.

I'm so excited to see
who Peter chose...

for his wedding party.

Yeah. Yeah.

Honestly, that has to be
the most random...

collection of groomsmen
in the history of weddings.

- I'm great. You
know, I just got to...

Okay.

I'll see you at the wedding.

I'm gonna get another mimosa.

Do you want to
finish the one...

Hello?

Hey. Wow,

I didn't expect
to hear from you.

No, I wouldn't want to impose.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe if I hurry, I
can make the end of it.

Okay, I gotta go.

I gotta find
something to wear.

Which one of these
men has the ring?

I actually don't have
a best man, so...

Robbie, I want you
to hold the ring for me.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

- Okay.

Unless you don't
want to. I mean...

Thanks, Peter.

So sweet.

Hey, I want you boys to know,
you're both my best friends...

and Hank Mardukas.

Hey, Hank.

Awesome tux.

- Thanks. It's blue.
- Yes, it is.

- You look amazing.
- Thank you.

Good afternoon.
We are gathered here today...

to join Peter Klaven
and Zooey Rice...

in matrimony.

If anyone can show just cause
why they may not marry...

You son of a bitch!

No, no, Mr. Ferrigno,
I don't wanna object.

I just wanted to
make it in time...

for the vows. That's all.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Sydney, come up.

No, I'm fine back here.

- Please, yes. Yes.
- Are you sure?

I hope you don't mind.

You invited him?

Well, I saw you walking
on the lawn looking all sad,

and I realized I
couldn't let you...

get married without
your best man.

- I love you so much.
- I love you, too.

Zooey, thanks so much
for inviting me.

Of course. You got
here really fast.

Yeah. You know what,
I was on the Vesp,

so I just did
the old weaveroo.

Dude, you're lying.

Your voice went up
when you said that.

His voice got high.

Look, I was on my way
when Zooey called.

Invite or not,
there was no way

I was gonna miss your wedding,

and I wanted to give you this.

Man, you don't
have to do this.

You know what?
I know you don't believe me,

but I'm actually...

a pretty successful
investor, so...

Look, the billboards...

were my wedding
gift to you guys.

Man, they worked.

Yeah, I figured when
I saw the Ferrigs...

that they must have worked.

- That's great.
- Lou's the best.

I can only imagine.

I put him in a
sleeper hold. Out.

Sydney, I'm really sorry
for all the stuff that I said.

Pete, you called me...

on a lot of my issues.
I appreciate it.

And for the record,
I saw Chocolat.

Just delightful.

It is, right?

- I love Chocolat.
- I love that movie.

- Chocolat? What
the fuck is that?

I have no idea.

It's a beautiful movie.

I'm really glad
you're here, Sydney.

Me, too.

I can't even imagine
getting married...

without you.

I love you, man.

I love you, too, bud.

- I love you, dude.
- I love you, Bro Montana.

- I love you, holmes.

I love you, Broseph Goebbels.

- Love you, muchacha.
- I love you, Tycho Brohe.

Okay. Okay. Right.
Let's continue here.

- I so wanna marry you.
- You will.

I'm going to.

Zooey, repeat after me.

- I, Zooey Rice.
- I, Zooey Rice.

- Take you, Peter Klaven.
- Take you, Peter Klaven.

- To be my lawfully
wedded husband.

To be my lawfully
wedded husband.

I'm really sorry
about that dumb toast I gave.

It was out of line. I
got really nervous...

to meet you and I'm...

I don't know what
happened to me.

I'm sorry.

Sydney, it's fine. Thank you.
That's very sweet of you.

For the record, I
like giving blowjobs.

Well, that's good
to hear. You know.

I was just looking
out for my buddy.

I hear you.

I had to make sure that...

he's getting blowies
on a regular basis.

Yeah, I'm not really
comfortable...

with this conversation.

- Honey.
- We're all friends now.

- Friends do this.
- No, they don't.

- Wow, you have a
nice singing voice.

Thanks.

- Are you in a band?
- Not yet.

- Hailey.
- Lonnie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

That's awesome!
That's awesome!

Excuse me, Peter.

Get my wife on up here!

You've been Rushified!

- You should be...

You've never called
me an asshole?

No, I've said you
act like an asshole.

So, you get away with it
because it was the act of.

- That's your behavior.
- Right.

I'm not saying
you're an asshole.

Oh, my God.

Shit. What?

Do I have a
fucking sign on me?

- No, it's not my fault.
- How is it not your fault?

Because I'm pregnant.

I love you so much.
I love you so much.

- Are you still mad?
- Try to make it a boy.

Thank you.

I'd just like to
make a quick toast.

No!