I Love You, Don't Touch Me! (1997) - full transcript
The story of a 25 year old virgin girl, looking for the right boyfriend, not realizing that "the one" has been next to her for many years.
♪ To love and be loved
♪ is more than I can say
♪ forgive me
♪ and kiss me again
♪ if love is alive
♪ I know I'll survive
♪ so hurt me
♪ yes, hurt me again
♪ my heart is no stranger
♪ aware of
the dangerous spell ♪
[Laughs]
[Katie]
I can't help it.
I'm a romantic.
I'm in love with love.
I love the idea
of being in love.
I believe in love
like a religion.
A faith. A perfect
love that conquers all.
Ted was my first love.
I mean, we--we hadn't had sex,
but I knew he'd be the one.
Especially since
he was willing to wait.
[Both moaning]
Come on. Honey.
It can happen to anyone.
It was an accident!
[Brakes screeching]
[Screams]
[Katie]
I consider that car accident
a metaphor for my love life.
And after that,
I went on an endless
stream of bad dates.
I'm a vegetarian,
but I still eat pussy.
Never date your cousin.
I learned that one
the hard way.
You have beautiful breasts.
Are they real?
My therapist says
I'm a great catch.
[Screaming]
Sorry, I couldn't find
a parking space.
Why didn't you valet it?
Because he's too cheap.
Clark and I have
an announcement to make.
We're getting married.
What?
Why?
[Ben]Katie.
Now my parents are gonna
give me even more shit.
Katie always has to relate
someone else's
experience to herself.
My oldest friend is
getting married here.
This is a big deal for me.
Oh, I think it's a big deal
for Elizabeth, too.
[Exhales]
I need a drink.
Where's the waitress?
The service always sucks here.
Katie, relax.
Oh, Jesus, Ben,
didn't anyone ever tell you
to speak up in life?
Didn't anyone ever
tell you to shut up?
You two talk like a couple of
passionate lovers.
[Laughs]
We know each other
too well to be lovers.
We're just friends.
Yes, just friends.
I'm sorry I
reacted like that.
It was pretty selfish.
Don't worry about it.
I'm happy for you.
I really am.
But I look at my own life,
[laughs]
And it's, like,
what the hell happened?
It's a fucking
romantic holocaust.
You just have to get out
there and start looking.
Oh, I am looking.
It's just that
every guy I go out with
is either a troll,
or a pervert, or a liar.
I don't understand
why you and Ben--
I'm just not
attracted to him.
Why not? He's a great guy.
I don't know.
I'm just not.
You know, 30 seconds, Max,
something deep
inside me says yes or no.
I've known Ben
for 3 years.
And it's still no.
You have to make compromises.
You're looking for an ideal.
It's impossible.
Did you compromise?
Of course not.
But you're saying I should?
Oh, Katie,
don't get defensive.
Sexual attraction
isn't negotiable.
You can't talk
yourself into it.
Ok. Ok.
All I want is
a nice Jewish guy
with a strong sense of self,
a big penis,
and a big wallet.
Is that so unreasonable?
Try settling for
one out of three.
[Katie]
God, Elizabeth makes me sick.
The perfect nose,
the perfect boyfriend,
the perfect body.
I hate Elizabeth.
What are you
thinkin' about?
I always thought
she'd do better than that.
What do you mean?
He's a bore.
I think he's great.
Figures.
Jealousy,
thy name is woman.
Oh, please.
By the time I get married
they'll be getting a divorce.
Ok.
Well, good night.
Good night.
What?
I have something for you.
What?
A poem.
Oh, that's sweet.
Well, thank you.
Good night.
Good night.
Goodnight.goodnight.
[Exhales]
[Ben]
"When she's happy
"when she's happy
her hair bucks and crackles
"a cellophane serpent
at an all-night party
"it excuses itself
from propriety
and takes leave of gravity
"and it wants the bouquet,
twitches,
"whirls, spins,
gyroscopic in its agility
"balancing point
by point on her head
"loping down to her ears
"basking on her shoulders
sliding down her chest
"parachuting to her waist
"it is a velour spaghetti
with sunshine meatballs
and my eyes, the fork"
[Katie]
Poor Ben.
He's in love with me
for all the right reasons
and I feel nothing for him.
What the hell's wrong
with me?
[Couple moaning]
[Moaning continues]
God damn it!
[Knocking on door]
Do you know
what time it is?
If you want to come
and join US, just say so.
I mean it, Jones,
if I have to listen
to this tonight,
I'll slit my wrists.
[Woman]
I'm gonna come without you.
Gotta go.
[Yells]
[Moaning continues]
♪[Yodeling]
[Jones chattering]
[Woman]
Damn it.
[Jones]
I came already, anyway.
♪ Whip me, scramble me
♪ do me over easy
♪ round, hard, succulent
♪ voluptuous eggs
stop. Stop.
There's something missing.
What?
You haven't been in love
for a while, have you?
It comes through.
You understand
the music intellectually,
but you don't feel it.
What are you doing
later tonight?
[Katie]
How long will that one last?
Probably a week.
Thank god I have Ben.
That's the good thing
about platonic relationships.
You never break up.
I want to break up with her.
Yeah, we're not exactly
a couple, but, you know,
we do everything together.
You know,
on the phone every night.
We go to the movies.
It's like a courtship.
An extended,
lifelong courtship
without a fuck at
the end of the tunnel.
I mean, what's wrong with me?
I'm intelligent,
i'm--I'm understanding,
moderately attractive.
Why--why isn't she
attracted to me?
Maybe she's the one
with the problem.
That's right. I mean,
le-let's face it,
she probably gets turned on
by a guy who'd defecate on her
then handcuff her to the bed
and beat the shit out of her.
I'm too decent for her.
Don't write that.
I was mad when I said it.
I didn't.
And she tries to
fix me up with
all her loser girlfriends.
I mean, that drives me crazy!
Are you Ben? I'm margo.
[Thuds]
[Laughs]
I hope you haven't
been waiting too long.
I could eat a horse.
[Sighs]
So how do you-- how do--
how do you know Katie?
Aerobics.
It's like she's saying,
"I'm too good for you.
"But this--this is
what you deserve,
this conglomerate."
I mean, does she really
find me so unattractive?
Maybe you're being
too sensitive.
Yes. Yes, I am sensitive.
That's the problem
with women today.
They don't want sensitive.
They're so busy asserting
their authority all day
that when they
come home at night,
they want to be dominated.
You know what?
The hell with her.
Let's see how fast
she finds another shmuck
to put up with her.
How do you like that?
How much time do we have?
Ben, Ben.
Oh, god, thank god.
What are you doing here?
Oh, god, I finally got
an audition for a jingle.
I can't even sell eggs.
Hey, you wanna get
a cup of coffee?
Come on, please?
Sure.
You seem distracted.
I just did therapy.
I didn't know
you were in therapy.
It's no big deal, Katie.
Most over-educated,
intelligent neurotics
are in therapy.
Not me.
It would do you
a world of good.
Oh, please, paying someone
to care about me
for an hour? No thanks.
Are--are--are you, like,
trying to piss me off?
No, I'm not trying
to piss you off.
That's how I feel about it.
I mean, should I lie?
Yeah.
Besides, I'd end up falling
in love with my shrink.
There's nothing
sexier than someone
having the answers
to all your problems.
Go to a woman.
She'd remind me
of my mother.
Then don't go.
Do we have to have
this conversation?
All right. What are you
getting so upset about?
So--so what do you
talk about?
With who?
Your shrink?
What do you talk about?
About you.
It's hard to be
in love with someone
that thinks of you
as a friend.
Ben, you're not
in love with me.
Excuse me,
who are you to tell me
who I'm in love with?
I don't deserve your love.
There we go.
See, that's honesty.
You don't want me to
be in love with you.
Let me set you up
with someone.
Her name's Janet,
we temp together.
Come on, I try to tell you
I love you, and you set me up
with winners of
the Eleanor Roosevelt
lookalike contest.
You might like her.
Katie, I've got the most
brilliant business idea.
Twister bed sheets.
Huh, huh?
Imagine the possibilities.
Janet, you're a nut.
Hmm, hmm. Speaking of nuts,
boy, I'd love to
crack those open.
I need to dictate a letter.
Whoo.
Have a seat.
I need this
letter out today.
Dear Mr. Gerber,
regarding your may 4 fax,
I've decided not to invest
in the global stock fund.
On behalf of the company,
I've decided
that the European
and Asian markets
are just too unstable
at this time.
♪ To love and be loved
♪ is more than I can say
♪ forgive me
♪ and kiss me again
[phone ringing]
Hold that sentence.
David barclay.
Oh, hi, honey.
[Katie]
I'm such a slut. I can't
believe I have these thoughts.
What's wrong with me?
I'm 25 years old. I should be
in a real relationship,
not stuck in some
prepubescent fantasyland.
[Exhales]
I'm doomed.
I love you, too. Bye.
Ok, so where were we?
Uh, global markets.
Screw it.
Tell me about yourself.
You've been here working
for over a month,
and I don't know
anything about you.
Actually,
I've been here 4 months.
Oh.
So. You have a boyfriend?
Or is that sexual
harassment to ask?
[Laughs]
No, it's not
sexual harassment.
And no,
I don't have a boyfriend.
You're kidding.
I guess it must be hard
to find someone your own age.
It's hard to find someone,
period.
All the good ones
are married.
I'm quitting.
Oh, come on, Katie,
you always run away
from the prospect
of good sex.
Janet, for god's sake,
he's married.
Yes, it's perfect.
There's no commitment,
just the thrill.
I don't want the thrill.
If I wanted the thrill
I'd go skydiving.
[Laughs]
No, I don't wanna be
someone's bimbo secretary.
Oh, really?
What do you want?
You want to be their wife?
Yes.
No, you don't.
You think it's
what you should want.
But it's not what
you really want.
See, your mind
wants stability.
Your body wants an affair.
Like all women,
you are torn by contradiction.
Your superego and your ID
are in constant combat
fighting on the battleground
of your psyche.
Where the hell
did you read that?
The Bible.Huh?
Cosmo,darling, where else?
Let's go.
I just think you are
afraid to have sex.
What?
You're 25, Katie,
and most women start
having sex when
they're in high school.
You mean most girls,
when they're
pressured into it.
Ok, whatever.
Look, you don't
have to quit, honey.
Barclay is vice president
and he's not gonna
put his entire career
in jeopardy for
a romp with some temp.
[Laughs]
But it's not him
I'm worried about. It's me.
See? See?
Because cosmowas right.
You're torn
by contradiction.
It's the female condition,
darling.
Oh, hey, you know what?
By the way,
your friend called me.
Who?
Um, I don't know.
That guy Ben.
We're having
drinks tonight.
Great, he's a great guy.
Oh, yeah?
Then why aren't you
going out with him, huh?
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
The thing that I've never
understood about Katie
is how she can be
so self-controlled.
One of life's
great mysteries.
I--i can't believe
she's still a virgin.
[Both laughing]
Look, not that it's
any of my business.
Katie is what I call
a heart-protector.Mmm-hmm.
I see the world divided
into 2 types of people.
The heart-givers
and the heart-protectors.
Now Katie would rather
fend off experiences
and pleasure
in order to avoid
ever getting hurt.
What she doesn't realize is
she's hurting herself
the entire time.
And that's the irony.
In--in an effort
to--to stave off pain,
she's created a pain deeper
than she can ever imagine.
Oh, that's deep.
Huh?
You ever think of becoming
a, you know, shrink?
[Laughs]
I prefer the other side
of the couch, but thank you.
Me, too. Honey--honey,
I would die without therapy.
This is good.
Ok, all right, so what am I?
I'm a heart-giver
or a heart-protector, huh?
Definitely. Heart-giver.
[Laughs]
See, I can-- I can tell
by the way
you--you hold your glass.
You don't grab it,
you're not afraid
it's gonna slip out
of your hand and fall.
Katie, on the other hand,
grabs it so tight
you think it's gonna
crack in her hand.
Well, I never
noticed that before.
Why, you definitely have
an amazing eye for detail.
Ok, ok, ok, ok.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Don't move, don't move,
don't move.
Ok. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Right there, right there.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Ok.
Ok, ok, ok, ok, that's it.
That's it,
I can't take it anymore.
Sorry, my nails.
I'm sorry. Oh, god.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my god!
Whoo!
Boy, you really do
have an eye for detail.
[Laughs]
Well....
Let me tell you something.
I have been with
a lot of boys,
so that's one hell
of a compliment, ok?
My turn.
[Screams]
Oh, yeah.
No...
No, no, no, you...
[Laughs]
On a scale of
1 to 10, a 69.
[Laughs]
Oh, and does he know
how to dust the cracks,
let me tell you.
Don't tell me.
He's not one of those shmucks
who, you know,
climbs on top of you
and starts humping.
We're talking
8 hours of foreplay.
8 hours.
I think his tongue might even
be just a little bit longer.
Janet, please,
I don't want to hear this.
Oh, why not?
Jeez, you set US up.
I can't believe
you slept with her.
Hello,
nice to see you, too.
You know, this is my friend
we're talking about,
not some hooker.
Katie, relax.
Do you ever hear of
consenting adults?
Consenting? Consenting?
Women don't willingly
fuck on first dates.
You must have
really given her a line.
Oh, first of all,
stop insulting me.
What--what is this
really about?
What?
Why is this any
of your business?
My business? It's my business
because you're my best friend.
Yeah. That doesn't give you
carte blanche to my sex life.
You owe me
more than that.
No, no, no, no.
I don't owe you anything.
In case you've forgotten,
you set US up.
Besides, we're just friends.
As you so often repeat
to anyone who'll listen.
Why do you care
who I sleep with?
Because I care about you.
This is not about me,
this is about you.
You know,
you finally set me up
with someone that I like.
But now you don't like that.
Why did you always
fix me up with losers?
Didn't you want me
to be happy?
And why haven't you been
with someone in 4 years?
Because I haven't found
anyone I care about.
Please. You don't
want to find anybody
you'll care about.
Of course I want
to meet someone.
But I'm not gonna force it.
I'll just end up investing
my time and my emotions
in something
that won't pay off.
Listen to you,
you sound like a banker.
You act like
there's supposed to be
some sort of guarantee
to all this.
You won't meet someone if you
don't give anyone a chance.
I gave it a chance.
It failed.
Oh, please, it was 4 years ago
and the guy was a putz.
Oh, how do you know?
You didn't even know him.
Look, Katie, you're pining
over some ideal man
that never even existed.
It's time to get out there
and try again.
And who should I try with?
You?
You know,
you got a problem, Katie.
No, the problem
is--is that you want me
and I don't want you.
This isn't about me.
You're the one
who's never had sex.
[Exhales]
[Door slams]
That went well.
[Exhales]
Oh, I'm glad I caught you.
Come on out.
Listen, uh, New York wants me
to prepare those
new figures by tomorrow.
Can you work late tonight?
Sure.
Oh, I owe you one.
You're saving my ass here.
I don't know how
I'm gonna thank you.
[Katie]
Try sticking your tongue
between my legs.
Don't give me too much credit,
I get overtime.
Yeah, still, you must have
tons of other things
to do on a Friday night.
Not really.
Oh, I can't believe that.
[Laughs]
It's true.
Oh, come on,
you're gorgeous.
Guys must be
knocking down your door.
Big, sweaty guys named moe.
If I weren't married...
What?
[Moans]
I've been dreaming
of this for weeks.
[Both moaning]
[Katie]
Oh, this feels good.
That lethal mixture of drakkar
and superior authority.
[Moans]
Oh, baby.
God, I'm easy,
just put your finger
on the right spot
and I'm brain dead.
Enjoy yourself.
You can enjoy it.
The man's a volcano
and he's about to
erupt all over me.
Wait, he's married.
He loves his wife.
He has a new baby.
What a fucking creep!
I should just...
[Grunts]
I quit.
[Grunts]
[Dad]
We'll give you
whatever you need.
Money's no problem.
Thanks, dad.
Meanwhile,
go look for another job.
Yeah, I will.
But I really think I'll get
one of these nightclub gigs.
In the meantime,
it's good to have something
to fall back on.
Thank god you have
good computer skills.
Yeah, thank god.
How many people actually
make a living as a singer?
It's a fine hobby.
Dad, please.
How do you fool around
with a married man?
I don't know.
Maybe I want
what I can't have.
The forbidden is exciting.
You need to see someone.
Oh, god, why can't I open up
about my feelings
without being
told to see a shrink?
It's nothing to be
ashamed of.
You're the perfect
candidate for therapy.
You're bright,
you're creative.
It's just that I have
a problem with the fact
that everyone I know
is in therapy.
I don't see
anyone getting happier.
That's so defeatist.
You don't understand.
No, I don't.
You're a bunch of
spoiled narcissists
hiding under
the guise of liberation.
[Katie]
Maybe that's why
I can't find the right man.
I'm being punished
for my excessive narcissism.
You creep.
[Crashing]
Holy shit!
[Honk honking]
Shit!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
You hit me.
I hope you have insurance.
No.
Well, then i--i guess
you'll have to have
lunch with me.
Follow me.
[Honk honking]
So, do you always buy lunch
for people
who crash into your Ferrari?
Um, well, I suppose
that depends on
the impact of the crash.
Well, that's a pretty hot car.
What do you do for a living?
I compose, actually.
[Laughs]
Do you actually
make a living at it?
I manage.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, you're lucky.
My latest.
"Lovers for the night."
[Laughs]
You're Richard Webber?
[Laughs]
Oh, god.
He dropped all the charges.
He said he'd take care
of it himself.
Whoo, sounds like he wants
to get into your
little panties.
Jones, he's famous.
I don't care if
he's the Dalai Lama.
No guy's gonna drop charges
on his battered Ferrari
unless he wants to
fuck the perpetrator.
Has it ever occurred to you
that not all men
think like you?
Never.
What the hell is
going on with you?
Why aren't you
talking to Ben?
You wouldn't understand.
I understand that you
set me up with a guy
you're madly in love with.
Only you don't know it, Katie
because you've got
this fucked-up idea
of what love is.
Now you're freaking out
because he's moved
on with his life.
What do you know about love?
The longest you've stayed in
a relationship is 6 orgasms.
Well, at least I'm happy.
What the hell
are you looking at?
I was thinkin' about
those 6 orgasms.
She has my number.
I mean, look at you.
You're a goddamn
depressed mess,
with all your moral standards
and impossible ideals.
I don't need
a lecture right now.
No.
No, you need a good lay.
In case you've forgotten
I don't enjoy having sex
with someone who
doesn't love me.
I value myself
a little more than that.
Oh! Oh, you are so smug.
You think I don't value myself
because I like to have sex?
No, because you like
to have sex
with people who
don't care about you.
You know, it's women like you
that keep feminism back.
No, it's women like you
that keep feminism back
by playing this stupid game
where you think you
can be equal to men
by playing their game.
But the problem is,
that's all it is. A game.
By the time you've won,
you realize you've entered
the wrong contest.
Because you've lowered
yourself to their level
instead of
creating your own level.
Katie, you can stay here in
your little ivory tower, ok.
But I'm not the one going
to bed alone every night
while my life
is passing me by.
God.
She is so self-righteous.
What happened?Nothing. Nothing.
Just the usual Katie lecture
on how's she's
the vestal virgin
and I'm a worthless slut
who apparently
doesn't like herself.
She sure knows how to
push your buttons.
What's that
supposed to mean?
Nothing.
Why are you getting so upset?
I'm not upset.
I mean, do I look upset?
No.
Worthless slut.
Don't talk to me like that.
[Engine starting]
It's not flattering.
Well, I think it's sexy.
Turn around.
Let me see it from the back.
Makes your ass look big.
My ass is big.
You say that like
you're proud of it.
This is my body, mom.
It's taken me
25 years to like it.
Oh, if you'd just
lose 15 pounds
you could be in playboy.
Why the fuck would I
wanna be in playboy?
Stop it,
people are looking at US.
I don't give a shit.
I'm talented. I'm smart.
I've never had an abortion
or an eating disorder,
and all you can say is
that I have a big ass.
[Yodeling]
[Telephone ringing]
[Glass shattering]
Hello? Hi.
What are you doing?
Practicing.
Well, when are we
gonna practice
getting to know
each other better?
To happy accidents.
There are no accidents,
only cosmic convenience.
[Exhales]
Right to the head.
Aren't you supposed
to delicately sip it?
Well, it depends on
what kind of person you are.
I like to think of
drinking like making love.
A man can revel in
the taste of one woman,
slowly exploring
every minute detail.
He can drink her liquid
over a lifetime
or he can sample many,
quickly.
But his satisfaction comes in
the variety and the quantity.
And you're the second type?
Would that upset you?
Why would it upset me?
We're just friends.
Oh, Katie,
the night is still young.
You're sure full of yourself.
I simply know what I want.
Some people think
that's arrogance,
or, as you say,
"being full of yourself."
But it is simply a matter
of assurance and instinct
of which I have both.
And I know I want
to make love to you.
[Clears throat]
♪ In the midnight
so how many women
are you tasting now?
None. I haven't had much
of an appetite lately.
Maybe you've overeaten.
Well, maybe I'm just
eating the wrong dishes.
[Richard]
Yes, well, this is lovely.
[Katie]
Oh, thank you.
And thank you
very much for dinner.
And, um, you're welcome.
What about Saturday?
I--i have an audition
at the atlas on Saturday.
All day?
Look, Richard, I don't think
that we're right
for each other.
I'd like to be the main course
on a man's plate,
and it looks like
yours is already full.
Don't be so sure.
So, uh,
did we just miss
an opportunity to get laid?
Let me let you in on
a little secret, Jones.
When you're a woman,
the opportunity
is never lost.
Oh, I just love
those comebacks, baby.
So, uh, you gonna crawl up
in your little bed
and masturbate now?
Oh, fuck off.
That's what I'm askin'.
It's all sex to
you guys, isn't it?
Pretty much, yeah.
Don't you ever
get sick of it?
Don't you ever
want to find someone
to share your thoughts with?
Your dreams? Your life?
I have you for that.
Yeah, but wouldn't it be nice
if that person was
your lover as well?
It seems like you
guys want to separate
your good friends
from your sex partners.
Why?
Because
good friends are
hard to replace.
Good sex partners aren't.
I don't get it.
You will, my child.
You're still very young.
[Laughs]
So, uh, did you have
a good time at least tonight?
Oh, god, I'm painfully
attracted to him.
Both physically and mentally.
But he's a cad.
How do you know that?
Because he made some remark
about women being like food.
And let me guess,
he likes to
sample many dishes.
Yes.
[Laughs]
So, uh, when are you
gonna see him again?
♪ I go through the day
♪ and tell myself
that I'm ok ♪
♪ and things
I've never known ♪
♪ I don't need
♪ like everywhere I've been
♪ and everyone
I can't let in ♪
♪♪ but I can't live this way
♪ all my life, you see
♪ 'cause I want
to know the touch ♪
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ I want to know the thrill
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ I tell myself it's fine
♪ and other things
will pass the time ♪
♪ and lots of people
never feel this way ♪
♪ and I know I've never tried
to let my soul ♪
♪ be satisfied
♪ and until I do
♪ I'm living half a life
♪ and I wanna know
the touch ♪
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ to know
the breathless thrill ♪
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
I was right.
You're very good.
How old are you?
25. Why?
Well, you don't seem to enjoy
life like you should at 25.
What do you mean?
Instead of enjoying
your attraction to me,
you're nervous.
You won't just go
with your feelings.
That's a pretty
cheap shot at seduction.
♪[Fumbling towards ecstasy
by Sarah mclachlan playing]
♪ It's my heart
that pounds beneath my flesh ♪
♪ it's my mouth
that pushes out this breath ♪
It's the truth.
If it works as seduction,
so be it.
Oh, god, you're arrogant.
But you like that.
You're drawn to me.
Yes,
against my better judgment.
[Chuckling]
I'm driving to
Santa Barbara tonight.
I'd like you to come.
No, I can't.
Come on,
it'll be good for you.
You'll meet people
you wouldn't normally meet,
broaden your horizons.
Risk a little.
♪ And if I shed a tear
I won't cage it ♪
I am leaving in 10 minutes.
♪ I won't fear love
[exclaiming]
We were just
talking about you.
[Bob laughing]
We were wondering
when your next
Magnum opus
will be completed.
Very soon.
What does that mean,
"soon"?
What is waiting, my boy?
I can't help the...
[Katie]
God, this is really weird.
Who are these people?
They're weird.
Oh!
He's trouble.
So why am I here?
[Bob]
So Katie, what do you do?
[Richard]
She's a singer-songwriter.
Oh, really?
Where do you sing?
[Katie]
Well, I haven't really
done much.
And I don't make
a living at it.
I hope this will do.
Everything else is full
this weekend.
[Katie gasping]
[Speaking hindi]
So what is this place?
Some sort of commune?
[Sighs]
Bob yager is
a respected psychologist
cum astrologer,
cum spiritual advisor.
He really is quite
a brilliant guy. Brilliant.
If he's so brilliant,
how come he's putting US
in the same bed?
Can't he tell
we're not a couple?
Well, maybe he's just
looking into the future.
Oh!
[Exclaims]
So we're sharing
a bed tonight?
Mmm-hmm.
Don't you trust yourself?
Well, it's not me
I'm worried about.
Yes, it is.
[Chuckles]
[Fire crackling]
[Katie]
He's right. It is me.
I can't get to sleep
to save my life.
I just wish he'd hold me down
and fuck my brains out.
Are you awake?
Yeah.
Give me your hand.
Why?
[Exclaims]
Relax,
I'm not going to bite you.
Give it to me.
How does that feel?
Good.
Feels good.
[Katie]
Oh, god, maybe
my g-spot's in my hand.
I just want to grab him
and throw myself on him.
Don't do it.
He'll think you're a slut.
What are you thinking?
Nothing.
Just give in, for once.
Let yourself enjoy the moment.
You're a big girl,
you can handle it.
Good night.
You idiot.
You hardly know him.
You'll ruin your whole life
in one night.
♪[Fumbling towards ecstasy
by Sarah mclachlan playing]
♪ All the fear
has left me now ♪
♪ I'm not frightened anymore
♪ it's my heart
that pounds beneath my flesh ♪
♪ it's my mouth
that pushes out this breath ♪
Wait. I can't do this.
[Both sighing]
What's the matter?
I'm sorry.
It's ok.
It's ok.
When was the last time
you made love?
This is the first time.
Oh, my god.
Oh, Katie.
Don't feel sorry for me.
No, I don't.
I'm not really sure
how to feel.
You should be flattered.
I am.
I've waited for it
to be perfect.
[Birds twittering]
I love you.
I'll call you.
Soon.
[Katie]
Soon?
What the hell does that mean?
Oh, I should never
have said "I love you."
Men hate that.
They--they suffocate.
I'm suffocating him.
Can you spare some change?
I--i promise
I won't spend it on drugs.
[Sniffs]
Thank you.
Do you remember
losing your virginity?
What?
If you tell me about it,
I'll give you another dollar.
$5.
Fine.
I was, uh, 11.
11?
That's disgusting.
You were still a child.
Who says there's a right age?
You're ready
when you want it.
[Sighs]
What kind of woman
would sleep with
an 11-year-old boy?
She lived upstairs.
Doris delany.
I was a cute kid.
She was kind of restless.
So how was it?
It was great.
She taught me
everything I know.
[Katie]
Unbelievable.
Nothing's sacred anymore.
Hi.
Hi.
[Both chuckling]
Hi, I'm Ben.
Richard Webber.
How do you do?
So how are you?
I'm good.
Good.
And how are things
with Janet?
Good.
Good.
[Katie]
Ben looks terrific.
Sex must be agreeing
with him.
God, I miss him, I really do.
But face it,
you're not right
for each other.
Well, it was good
to see you.
You, too.
Well, nice to meet you,
Richard.
Pleasure.
[Water running]
[Chuckles]
Here you go.
What are you giving me
these for?
Oh, honey, can't we use
your penis tonight?
If we must.
Thank you.
You'll never guess
who I saw outside of
condomania tonight.
Who?
Katie.
Katie who?
Katie, you know.
Won't-talk-to-US-
because-we-like-each-other
Katie.
Katie? Outside of condomania?
Uh-huh. It gets better.
Guess who she was with?
Who?
A guy.
Stop. A real guy?
A real pretentious guy.
Hello, I'm Richard Webber,
and I couldn't
possibly be more of a prick.
Wait, wait, wait,
what was his name?
Richard Webber.
British guy?
Kind of, yeah.
Honey, Richard Webber.
He's like this totally famous
composer guy.
Really?
Yeah.
I never heard of him.
Well, that's because
you're totally uncultured,
Ben.
Thank you, dear.
You need help with that?
Sure.
[Ben groans]
Sorry.
Thank you.
Honey, Richard Webber
is this eccentric, eclectic,
composer-pianist.
Yeah, women love him.
Really?
Love him.
Could I have less hair?
My god, you know
what that means?
What does that mean?
I bet she did it. You know.
She didn't tell me.
I'm going to kill her.
Can I help?
God, I give her every detail
about my sex life.
You do?
[Katie]
I saw Ben the other day
coming out of condomania.
Can you believe it?
[Both giggling]
Well, I'm glad he's finally
in a relationship.
Doesn't mean he's in
the right relationship.
Well, anything is better
than what he had with you.
Excuse me?
Really, was it fair
to have him play proxy
knowing
he'd never be the man?
Am I supposed to feel guilty
for not having sex with him?
That's not what I'm saying.
Well, then
what are you saying?
Face it,
Ben was a stand-in boyfriend.
More attentive than a friend,
less demanding than a lover.
Fun for you, but fair to him?
I think not.
He's a big boy,
he can take care of himself.
In the matters of love,
men are little boys.
Little, little, little.
And every guy has some story
about a reluctant date
won over,
or a friend
turned into lover.
And face it,
you're never seeing anyone.
So what's there
to dash his hopes?
Well, I'm seeing someone now.
Really? Since when?
A few weeks. You're
never going to believe
who it is.
Who?
Richard Webber.
Isn't he your father's age?
No, he's 47.
Katie, that's ridiculous.
You slept with him,
didn't you?
[Laughing]
I can't believe it.
You wait until you're 25
and give it up to some guy
in a midst
of a midlife crisis?
God damn it, Elizabeth,
why can't you
ever be happy for me?
I'm just being honest,
as your friend.
Oh, you're not my friend.
You're an unsupportive bitch
who negates
and criticizes everything
that's important to me.
Shh.
Don't shush me!
This is the first guy
I have ever slept with.
And how dare you tell me
he's in it for the sex?
And even if you think he is,
you should have
the fucking tact
to keep it to yourself.
I'm not gonna lie to you
just to protect
your feelings.
[Katie snorting]
[Groaning]
[Katie grunting]
[Elizabeth choking]
Katie, are you all right?
Yeah.
[Lou]
Hey, sugar,
it's Lou candela
at the atlas bar and grill.
I got some great news.
You're in.
You start tomorrow,
sweetheart.
[Whoops]
I just can't believe
someone finally
gave me a chance.
Hell, I auditioned
for over 30 clubs
this year.
I had completely given up.
It's all because of you.
You make me lucky.
Cheers.
That woman is staring at you.
[Sighs]
She is my ex-wife.
Well, I didn't know
you were married.
8 years.
8 years in the inferno.
Hello, Richard.
Hello, Deirdre.
And you are?
Katie.
Well.
Have fun.
[Moans]
Why did you marry her?
Well, i--i was too young
to know any better.
I--i wanted
a little security.
It seemed like
the thing to do.
You've been
with a lot of women,
haven't you?
Well, that would depend
on what you would consider
a lot, I think.
How many?
[Sighs]
I don't know.
50.
You've been with 50 women?
I don't know.
I never kept a record.
How can you not know
how many women
you've slept with?
Jesus, Katie.
I want to know.
We just made love.
Why--why should I be afraid
to ask you
a personal question?
[Sighs]
What's wrong?
We were having a good time.
Why did you have to ruin it?
Oh, you are so needy.
What?
All I did was ask
about your parents' divorce.
Janet, I want to know you.
Ben, why do I have
to open up to you
every time we fuck?
Isn't that what sex is,
opening up?
Ben, we're exchanging
bodily fluids, ok?
Not organs, for fuck's sake.
We don't have anything
to talk about, do we?
Well, if we
don't have anything
to say to each other
then we don't have anything
to say to each other.
Well, if we have nothing
to say to each other,
we shouldn't be together.
God, Ben, I came, you came.
If that's not enough for you
then, yeah, you know,
maybe we
shouldn't be together.
♪ Oh, baby,
trust what is good ♪
♪ learn what you want
and I'll want
what you should ♪
♪ this is the only thing
I really know ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh
♪ I watch the sky
and search the rain ♪
♪ for meaning and passions
and an end to the pain ♪
♪ I want what is true
♪ I want to put my hands
all over you ♪
♪ and sing, hallelujah,
I'm finally here ♪
♪ hallelujah,
this is my heaven ♪
♪ I looked around
but, baby,
I found it right here ♪
♪ this is my heaven
♪ I'm starting to think
that there's more in a look ♪
♪ than I ever found
in a prophet or book ♪
♪ and, like religion,
there's fire and fear
in your soul ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh
♪ and, baby,
the passion you bring ♪
♪ is unto itself
a spiritual thing ♪
♪ I'll start, say I do
♪ I want to put my hands
♪ all over you
♪ and sing, hallelujah,
I'm finally here ♪
♪ hallelujah,
this is my heaven ♪
♪ I looked around
but, baby,
I found it right here ♪
♪♪ this is my heaven ♪
[Audience whooping]
[Man whistling]
Hey, uh, you were
swell up there tonight.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, look,
do you want to have a drink
or somethin'?
Oh, sorry, not tonight,
my parents are here.
Oh.
Maybe some other time.
Sure.
Hi.
You weren't bad.
Well, thank you
for the glowing review, daddy.
You know your father,
handing out a compliment
gives him gout.
You were wonderful.
Thanks, mom.
And you look so beautiful.
Have you lost weight?
No,
I'm in love.
His name is Richard.
Oh. What's his last name?
No, mom, he's not Jewish.
Oh.
When are we
gonna meet him?
Soon.
What's wrong with him?
Well, what do you mean?
You haven't introduced him
to US yet,
something must be wrong.
How old is he?
Oh, well, he's a little bit
older than me.
Is he closer to your age
or to mine?
[Chuckles]
My parents can't wait
to meet you.
Ooh, such pressure.
Mmm.
[Screams]
Come inside, I have
a little surprise for you.
Ooh.
[Both laughing]
Close your eyes.
Close them. Now. Ok.
Here we are.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Right.
Eyes closed.
Voila.
Open.
[Mimicking trumpet blowing]
Here we go.
[Clears throat]
[Woman moaning]
[Moaning]
Oh, honey.
[Chuckling]
What the hell is this?
Just give it a second,
it gets better.
Oh!
God, turn it off.
[Woman moaning]
Katie? Wait, Katie.
I thought you would...
God!
You didn't...
Well, i--i...
It was working for me.
You didn't get excited?
A little?
You excite me.
That--that just--
that just makes me sick.
I don't need that.
We don't need that.
Ok. Come on.
Now open up a little bit.
Sex is still brand new
to you.
You don't know
a damn thing about it.
It doesn't always have to be
some transcendent
emotional experience.
Sometimes, you know,
it can just be,
you know, sex.
I don't like pornography.
But how do you know?
[Exclaims]
Did daddy ever
want to do things
that made you feel
uncomfortable?
I mean sexual things.
No.
Oh, Jesus,
I am the only person I know
whose parents have
a perfect marriage,
and I'm more screwed up
than anyone.
You're not screwed up.
It's your generation
that's so crazy.
Yeah,
but don't you understand?
I'm a part of that craziness.
If I can't exist within it
by playing its rules,
I'm the screwup.
You set
such a perfect example
of what a marriage should be,
that every relationship
I'm in can't match up.
Sorry, if we would've known,
we would've gotten divorced.
Now, that would
look flattering on you.
[Gasps]
[Sighs]
[Chuckling]
♪[Faking
by Melissa ferrick playing]
♪ Well after last night
♪ I feel more vulnerable
♪ than I've every been
♪ can't you see
that I'm letting you in ♪
♪ I don't know
how much longer ♪
Richard.
♪ I can resist
♪ I don't know
♪ when I'm gonna start
breaking ♪
[Richard exclaiming]
[Richard laughing]
♪ You are not there
♪ oh, no
♪ oh, no, baby
[screams]
I'm sorry.
[Richard]
Look, it was my fault.
I really should have
warned you, I'm sorry.
No, it was my fault,
i'm--I'm still so new at this.
♪ Because I don't know
[chuckling]
Oh, my.
♪ How much longer
I can resist ♪
♪ and I
god, I cannot believe it.
What?
What--what did I do now?
Here we go again, Ben.
What?
Don't, I want to finish
this conversation.
I'm not going to talk about it
while you are in the shower.
Ow! God!
[Sighs]
Look at me. Look at me.
Look, I don't know
what I said.
But whatever it is,
I'm sorry.
You don't know
what you said, Ben?
No, I really don't.
We were in the shower,
we're making love.
I feel, you know, connected.
Then you tell me
you and Katie use
the same cream rinse.
I don't care, Ben.
It's weird,
and it makes me feel
totally shitty. Ok.
I'm--I'm sorry. I'm a--
I'm a little confused here.
All of a sudden
we were making love,
and you are connected?
I thought you didn't want
that kind of relationship.
I didn't know
we were at that level.
Well, you know what, Ben?
We're not. Ok.
Hey, where are you goin'?
Oh, to bed. I'm beat.
Do you want some company?
[Laughs]
Come here.
[Muffled]
Hey. Let me go!
[Grunting]
Bitch! You're fired.
[Gasping]
I quit.
Oh, yeah? You know,
I never wanted to hire you
in the first place.
Your boyfriend,
he paid me to.
What?
Yeah, you know,
the guy that you're fucking.
He did you a big favor.
What?
Yeah.
You must really know
how to give head.
Why don't you show me
your technique?
[Grunting]
[Groaning]
What's wrong?
You paid that creep
to hire me?
All right, calm down, Katie.
Answer me.
I--i wanted
to give you a break.
I don't need you
to give me a break.
Katie, look.
What's done is done.
I think you are
extremely talented.
I wanted very much
to do you a favor,
and I'm sorry
if you can't see it like that.
Oh, god, I feel so cheap.
Well, you see,
that's your own problem.
You're insecure.
It's hard to be anything else
when you're a genius
and I'm a failure.
I am anything but a genius.
Everything I have written
is a variation on the same
boring fucking theme.
Well, but everyone says
I'm great.
Well, that's all that matters,
right?
[Slams table]
Besides,
it's impossible
to be a failure at 25.
Are all Jewish women
this fucked up?
[Sighs]
Guilt, pressure and big asses
are our birthrights.
I'm gonna go.
Call you in a few days?
Women.
You can never get it right
with them, you know?
Whatever I do,
they overanalyze it,
they--they take everything
as a direct insult to them.
You know,
hey, I'm tired, I'm upset,
I don't want to talk about it.
She thinks
she did something wrong.
You know?
Oh, I tell you the games.
Women get everything they want
through manipulation.
You seem particularly down
on women today.
I generally like women.
But once
you have sex with them,
they--they become monsters.
They--they--
they don't want you enough.
They want you too much.
Maybe I'm just with
the wrong woman.
Are you still in love
with Katie?
Could--could you--
could you not go there?
Let's not talk about Katie,
you know
it's bad for my ulcer.
Hi, it's me, I'm sorry
about the other day.
I'd like to think
I am more mature now.
Wouldn't we all?
Look, I'm going
to my women's gathering
tonight.
If you're not busy...
Well, that's kind of
like therapy, isn't it?
Yeah, I don't think so.
I have had a lot of sex,
but I haven't been
in a relationship
in a really long time.
And now I'm living
with this wonderful guy
and I am petrified.
I keep waiting
for the axe to drop,
to be disappointed.
Well, you know
what the problem is?
There're so many assholes
out there,
that when a good one
finally comes along,
we don't give him a chance.
I'm not in a hurry.
Prince charming
may not even exist.
Maybe he's trapped
under a heavy object,
waiting for me to save him.
Doesn't mean
I'm not gonna have sex
while I'm waiting.
[Nina]
I love sex,
but if the guy
doesn't love me
I feel like shit
the next day.
Oh, the next day,
try the next 2 months.
Still.
Why do you guys feel guilty?
25 years ago,
sex was something
you gave a man
to guarantee
that he'd take care of you,
give you legitimacy
and all that crap.
Now we can enjoy it, too.
[Katie]
I feel like I'm in the middle
of a Henry jaglom movie.
I'm not like these girls.
How can I even participate
in the conversation
when I've only had sex
with one person?
They'd think I was catholic.
Elizabeth has it perfect.
She found Clark,
the most wonderful guy
in the world.
Mmm. That's for sure.
I miss Richard.
♪[Till you're dead
by Melissa ferrick playing]
♪ Well, I'm thinking
that you got
some sort of hold on me ♪
♪ well, it's making me crazy
♪ it's making me crazy
♪ n' I know my life
it is sort of out of control ♪
♪ but you know
my mind goes faster ♪
♪ than any car on the road
[Richard moaning] ♪ 'cause I thought
love was hard ♪
♪ so I tried
with all my might ♪
♪ 'n I thought love lasted
so I always stayed the night ♪
♪ and now I'm in your chair
♪ and you are talking to me
[Richard laughing]
♪ I can see your lips moving
but I don't hear a thing ♪
♪ so pay attention I said
♪ to my aching head
♪ you know this is it
you fool ♪
♪ you're gonna be
with this one ♪
[Richard]
Katie!
Katie!
♪ So I'm taking a walk
♪ down to my
favorite coffee shop ♪
♪ sit down in the corner
♪ and try to write down
my thoughts ♪
Get your hands off me.
You didn't call me all week.
What was I supposed to think?
One week.
One week
you couldn't keep your dick
in your pants?
You have no idea what it is
to be a man, do you?
Katie. Katie, it's just sex.
You have to get over
these illusions.
No man will ever be faithful
to you completely, forever.
It's not in our nature.
Well, your nature sucks.
[Sighs]
What's wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
You know, am I bad in bed?
Oh, no, Katie, darling.
You're perfect.
You're a...
You're absolutely perfect.
You're a gourmet meal.
I just can't eat gourmet food
every night.
Sometimes i--i have to eat
fast food.
Women are not food.
You can't consume US
and then shit US out
when you're full.
♪ Am I looking good
♪ enough for ya baby
[clenching]
Give me the door.
♪ 'Cause I thought
love was hard ♪
[Tires screeching]
♪ 'N I thought love lasted
♪ so I always stayed
the night ♪
♪ now I'm in your chair
♪ and you are talking to me
♪ I can see your lips moving
♪ but I don't hear a thing
[banging on door]
[Jones]
Katie!
[Jones banging on door]
Katie, open up.
I know you're in there.
I can hear you crying
through the wall.
[Continues banging]
If you don't open the door,
I'm going to
have an obscene orgy
and force you to listen!
[Sighs]
You look like shit.
He cheated on me.
[Sighs]
So what happened?
I saw him.
I went over there to make up,
[sobbing]
And I saw him.
[Sniffling]
I'm sorry, baby.
And then he said to me:
"Well, it really
doesn't matter,
because it's just sex."
[Sighs]
[Laughs]
And that reminds me
of a Lenny Bruce joke
I heard.
This guy was
stranded on a desert island
for a year and a half.
So naturally
he started to get horny.
So he dug a hole in the mud
and began fucking the mud.
So his wife, one day,
after years of looking for him
finally finds him
and catches him
fucking the mud.
And she says to him,
"you cheated on me."
[Laughing]
Oh, uh, I told it wrong.
No, no, I get it.
You are not gonna
understand this,
but why else would a guy
wake up in the morning
with an erection
and not know why?
I mean,
the wind could blow and...
Beep!
I mean,
there is no reason for it.
There's no intimacy,
no nothing.
The body just goes...
Beep!
Well, that is
what makes US different
from animals.
We can control ourselves.
We are animals.
And you better start
accepting that,
or else you are gonna be
both horny and alone.
[Janet]
One second!
Hi.
Hi.
Can I come in?
Look--
I want to apologize.
I had no right to judge you.
[Exclaims]
I don't know, maybe I wish
I were more like you.
But I'm not,
so I resent you for it.
Look, I'm sorry.
All right. I'm over it.
So how's Ben?
We broke up.
What happened?
Boredom. The inevitable end
to all relationships.
I'm sorry.
Well, please, my love life
is like a revolving door.
You know, they come,
literally, and then they go.
Whatever.
There's always another one
to take his place.
You sound like
you're resigned to it
or something.
I am.
Anyway, so, what's up
with your guy, huh?
What's--what's happening?
It didn't work out.
Par for the course.
Ok. That's it.
We're going out,
and we're going
to forget about them.
Oh, god, where?
Club sin.
Oh, Christ.
Janet, please.
You know I hate that scene.
[Janet]
Honey, this place
has the hottest specimens
of male flesh and mushiness.
Janet, I'm not built
like you.
Come on, what are you
talking about?
You have a great body.
You wear what,
a 7-and-a-half shoe?
On the inside.
I'm not built like you
on the inside.
I can't just go out
and pick up strange men
and have sex with them.
Oh, my god. You know,
you've got it all figured out,
don't you?
You think it's so simple.
You go out,
you find the right guys,
the greatest
fucking female myth
ever propagated,
and then you settle down
into a life of perfection.
I don't know
what I think anymore.
[Sighs]
Yeah, well,
sex does that to women.
♪[Elevate my mind
by stereo mc's playing]
♪ I wanna go higher
♪ I wanna go higher
[whoops] ♪ I wanna go higher
I can't do this.
What?
I'm goin' home!
Shut up! Come on, dance.
♪ If I ever get down
in the dumps ♪
♪ short of a dollar
nothin' change for months ♪
♪ it seems to rain
[Katie]
Janet, please.
Men love this shit, honey!
♪ It's no illusion
oh, I see one,
I'll see you later.
♪ We can rise death
defy gravity ♪
[Katie]
Look at that,
she's so comfortable
with herself, her sexuality.
I could never be like that,
letting myself go
with a complete stranger.
He could be
a complete psycho or a rapist.
You want to dance?
♪♪ Sometimes
its better that way ♪
♪ makin' space
for a some day ♪
♪ we're on the ground floor
got lots to learn ♪
♪ slip to the basement
and you burn ♪
♪ first floor
and you start to fall ♪
♪ out the bed clothes
answer the door ♪
♪ on the second I comprehend
[whoops]
♪ Positive waves
are what I send ♪
[Gasping]
[Katie]
This is ridiculous.
I don't believe in this.
Why am I trying
to do something
I don't believe in?
Maybe I do believe in it,
what the hell
do I believe in anyway?
Well, maybe Janet's right,
I can have a few orgasms
and not feel guilty about it.
It--it doesn't have
to be love.
[Janet moaning]
[Moans]
I feel nothing.
I couldn't orgasm right now
if you put a gun to my head.
Who am I kidding?
I'm turned on,
let's just face it.
You don't want
to get into it.
That would be admitting
that everyone else is right
and I'm wrong.
Oh, god, I'm wrong.
Excuse me.
Huh?
What are you doing?
Well, you don't like this?
Of course I like it,
that's not the point.
How can you stick your tongue
between my legs
when you don't even know
my name?
Didn't your mother
ever teach you,
you are what you eat?
I could be
a psychotic love addict,
with castration fantasies.
Do you actually feel
anything for me?
Oh, yeah.
Do you feel anything at all?
You know, if I told you
I had a terminal disease,
would you even give a shit?
Shit.
You're weird.
[Ben]
Katie.
I'm sorry,
I know it's really late.
Come on in.
Ok,
what happened?
[Sobbing]
God, I missed you.
Oh, I feel like
I've lost my best friend.
Shh.
I'm still your friend.
I know, but I'm not
your number one anymore.
Look, come on, Katie.
It didn't have to be this way.
You know, you knew
how I felt about you.
I mean, sure,
the emotional intimacy
was great,
but I had physical needs, too.
I couldn't go on
in a platonic relationship
forever.
I know.
You always fixed me up
with these women
I wouldn't be attracted to,
and then it backfired
on you.
I knew that
if you found someone
you wouldn't need me
anymore.
I will always need you.
You'll find someone
to make you happy.
I know it can't be me,
but I really do want
the best for you.
♪ I want you
♪ I want you
♪ I want you
[exclaims]
How are things
going with Ben?
Good.
Ben's a great guy.
Well, he's warm,
he's caring, sensitive.
So why aren't you
attracted to him?
For all those reasons.
[Birds twittering]
[Katie]
Ok,
so I admit it, I was jealous.
Everybody's right.
Clark's such a great guy.
And look at Elizabeth.
I have never seen her
look so radiant.
[People chattering]
[Clears throat]
My parents
are waiting for US.
Hi.
Hi.
It was so clear out today.
Well, Elizabeth wouldn't
settle for anything less
on her wedding day.
What?
I love you.
[Scoffs]
Christ, Katie.
You're just feeling emotional
because you just saw
your best friend get married.
Ben, i--
forget about it.
You know, I'm not some shmuck
that you settle for.
I deserve better than that.
Yes, you do.
You are such an asshole.
[Katie]
The cliche is true.
You have to kiss
a lot of frogs,
or, in the '90s,
fuck a lot of frogs,
before you find a prince.
Still, who would've thought
prince charming was
a little overweight,
with a receding hairline.
Life is full of surprises.
♪ Forgive me
♪ and kiss me again
♪ if love is alive
♪ I know I'll survive
♪ so haunt me
♪ yes, hurt me again
♪ my heart's no stranger
♪ aware of
the dangerous spell ♪
♪ you have put me in
♪ to love and be loved
♪ is all that I need
♪ forever and ever
♪ I pray
♪ take me away
♪ far beyond eternity
♪ my destiny
♪ calls to me
♪ I go through the day
♪ I tell myself
♪ that I'm ok
♪ and things
I've never known ♪
♪ I don't need
♪ like everywhere I've been
♪ and everyone
♪ I can't let in
♪ but I can't live this way
♪ all my life, you see
♪ cause I want to know
a touch ♪
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ I want to know
the thrill ♪
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ I tell myself it's fine
♪ and other things
♪ will pass the time
♪ and lots of people
never feel this way ♪
♪ and I know
I've never tried ♪
♪ to bare my soul
♪ be satisfied
♪ and until I do
♪ I'm livin' half a life
♪ and I want to know a touch
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ to know
the breathless thrill ♪
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ is more than I can say
♪ forgive me
♪ and kiss me again
♪ if love is alive
♪ I know I'll survive
♪ so hurt me
♪ yes, hurt me again
♪ my heart is no stranger
♪ aware of
the dangerous spell ♪
[Laughs]
[Katie]
I can't help it.
I'm a romantic.
I'm in love with love.
I love the idea
of being in love.
I believe in love
like a religion.
A faith. A perfect
love that conquers all.
Ted was my first love.
I mean, we--we hadn't had sex,
but I knew he'd be the one.
Especially since
he was willing to wait.
[Both moaning]
Come on. Honey.
It can happen to anyone.
It was an accident!
[Brakes screeching]
[Screams]
[Katie]
I consider that car accident
a metaphor for my love life.
And after that,
I went on an endless
stream of bad dates.
I'm a vegetarian,
but I still eat pussy.
Never date your cousin.
I learned that one
the hard way.
You have beautiful breasts.
Are they real?
My therapist says
I'm a great catch.
[Screaming]
Sorry, I couldn't find
a parking space.
Why didn't you valet it?
Because he's too cheap.
Clark and I have
an announcement to make.
We're getting married.
What?
Why?
[Ben]Katie.
Now my parents are gonna
give me even more shit.
Katie always has to relate
someone else's
experience to herself.
My oldest friend is
getting married here.
This is a big deal for me.
Oh, I think it's a big deal
for Elizabeth, too.
[Exhales]
I need a drink.
Where's the waitress?
The service always sucks here.
Katie, relax.
Oh, Jesus, Ben,
didn't anyone ever tell you
to speak up in life?
Didn't anyone ever
tell you to shut up?
You two talk like a couple of
passionate lovers.
[Laughs]
We know each other
too well to be lovers.
We're just friends.
Yes, just friends.
I'm sorry I
reacted like that.
It was pretty selfish.
Don't worry about it.
I'm happy for you.
I really am.
But I look at my own life,
[laughs]
And it's, like,
what the hell happened?
It's a fucking
romantic holocaust.
You just have to get out
there and start looking.
Oh, I am looking.
It's just that
every guy I go out with
is either a troll,
or a pervert, or a liar.
I don't understand
why you and Ben--
I'm just not
attracted to him.
Why not? He's a great guy.
I don't know.
I'm just not.
You know, 30 seconds, Max,
something deep
inside me says yes or no.
I've known Ben
for 3 years.
And it's still no.
You have to make compromises.
You're looking for an ideal.
It's impossible.
Did you compromise?
Of course not.
But you're saying I should?
Oh, Katie,
don't get defensive.
Sexual attraction
isn't negotiable.
You can't talk
yourself into it.
Ok. Ok.
All I want is
a nice Jewish guy
with a strong sense of self,
a big penis,
and a big wallet.
Is that so unreasonable?
Try settling for
one out of three.
[Katie]
God, Elizabeth makes me sick.
The perfect nose,
the perfect boyfriend,
the perfect body.
I hate Elizabeth.
What are you
thinkin' about?
I always thought
she'd do better than that.
What do you mean?
He's a bore.
I think he's great.
Figures.
Jealousy,
thy name is woman.
Oh, please.
By the time I get married
they'll be getting a divorce.
Ok.
Well, good night.
Good night.
What?
I have something for you.
What?
A poem.
Oh, that's sweet.
Well, thank you.
Good night.
Good night.
Goodnight.goodnight.
[Exhales]
[Ben]
"When she's happy
"when she's happy
her hair bucks and crackles
"a cellophane serpent
at an all-night party
"it excuses itself
from propriety
and takes leave of gravity
"and it wants the bouquet,
twitches,
"whirls, spins,
gyroscopic in its agility
"balancing point
by point on her head
"loping down to her ears
"basking on her shoulders
sliding down her chest
"parachuting to her waist
"it is a velour spaghetti
with sunshine meatballs
and my eyes, the fork"
[Katie]
Poor Ben.
He's in love with me
for all the right reasons
and I feel nothing for him.
What the hell's wrong
with me?
[Couple moaning]
[Moaning continues]
God damn it!
[Knocking on door]
Do you know
what time it is?
If you want to come
and join US, just say so.
I mean it, Jones,
if I have to listen
to this tonight,
I'll slit my wrists.
[Woman]
I'm gonna come without you.
Gotta go.
[Yells]
[Moaning continues]
♪[Yodeling]
[Jones chattering]
[Woman]
Damn it.
[Jones]
I came already, anyway.
♪ Whip me, scramble me
♪ do me over easy
♪ round, hard, succulent
♪ voluptuous eggs
stop. Stop.
There's something missing.
What?
You haven't been in love
for a while, have you?
It comes through.
You understand
the music intellectually,
but you don't feel it.
What are you doing
later tonight?
[Katie]
How long will that one last?
Probably a week.
Thank god I have Ben.
That's the good thing
about platonic relationships.
You never break up.
I want to break up with her.
Yeah, we're not exactly
a couple, but, you know,
we do everything together.
You know,
on the phone every night.
We go to the movies.
It's like a courtship.
An extended,
lifelong courtship
without a fuck at
the end of the tunnel.
I mean, what's wrong with me?
I'm intelligent,
i'm--I'm understanding,
moderately attractive.
Why--why isn't she
attracted to me?
Maybe she's the one
with the problem.
That's right. I mean,
le-let's face it,
she probably gets turned on
by a guy who'd defecate on her
then handcuff her to the bed
and beat the shit out of her.
I'm too decent for her.
Don't write that.
I was mad when I said it.
I didn't.
And she tries to
fix me up with
all her loser girlfriends.
I mean, that drives me crazy!
Are you Ben? I'm margo.
[Thuds]
[Laughs]
I hope you haven't
been waiting too long.
I could eat a horse.
[Sighs]
So how do you-- how do--
how do you know Katie?
Aerobics.
It's like she's saying,
"I'm too good for you.
"But this--this is
what you deserve,
this conglomerate."
I mean, does she really
find me so unattractive?
Maybe you're being
too sensitive.
Yes. Yes, I am sensitive.
That's the problem
with women today.
They don't want sensitive.
They're so busy asserting
their authority all day
that when they
come home at night,
they want to be dominated.
You know what?
The hell with her.
Let's see how fast
she finds another shmuck
to put up with her.
How do you like that?
How much time do we have?
Ben, Ben.
Oh, god, thank god.
What are you doing here?
Oh, god, I finally got
an audition for a jingle.
I can't even sell eggs.
Hey, you wanna get
a cup of coffee?
Come on, please?
Sure.
You seem distracted.
I just did therapy.
I didn't know
you were in therapy.
It's no big deal, Katie.
Most over-educated,
intelligent neurotics
are in therapy.
Not me.
It would do you
a world of good.
Oh, please, paying someone
to care about me
for an hour? No thanks.
Are--are--are you, like,
trying to piss me off?
No, I'm not trying
to piss you off.
That's how I feel about it.
I mean, should I lie?
Yeah.
Besides, I'd end up falling
in love with my shrink.
There's nothing
sexier than someone
having the answers
to all your problems.
Go to a woman.
She'd remind me
of my mother.
Then don't go.
Do we have to have
this conversation?
All right. What are you
getting so upset about?
So--so what do you
talk about?
With who?
Your shrink?
What do you talk about?
About you.
It's hard to be
in love with someone
that thinks of you
as a friend.
Ben, you're not
in love with me.
Excuse me,
who are you to tell me
who I'm in love with?
I don't deserve your love.
There we go.
See, that's honesty.
You don't want me to
be in love with you.
Let me set you up
with someone.
Her name's Janet,
we temp together.
Come on, I try to tell you
I love you, and you set me up
with winners of
the Eleanor Roosevelt
lookalike contest.
You might like her.
Katie, I've got the most
brilliant business idea.
Twister bed sheets.
Huh, huh?
Imagine the possibilities.
Janet, you're a nut.
Hmm, hmm. Speaking of nuts,
boy, I'd love to
crack those open.
I need to dictate a letter.
Whoo.
Have a seat.
I need this
letter out today.
Dear Mr. Gerber,
regarding your may 4 fax,
I've decided not to invest
in the global stock fund.
On behalf of the company,
I've decided
that the European
and Asian markets
are just too unstable
at this time.
♪ To love and be loved
♪ is more than I can say
♪ forgive me
♪ and kiss me again
[phone ringing]
Hold that sentence.
David barclay.
Oh, hi, honey.
[Katie]
I'm such a slut. I can't
believe I have these thoughts.
What's wrong with me?
I'm 25 years old. I should be
in a real relationship,
not stuck in some
prepubescent fantasyland.
[Exhales]
I'm doomed.
I love you, too. Bye.
Ok, so where were we?
Uh, global markets.
Screw it.
Tell me about yourself.
You've been here working
for over a month,
and I don't know
anything about you.
Actually,
I've been here 4 months.
Oh.
So. You have a boyfriend?
Or is that sexual
harassment to ask?
[Laughs]
No, it's not
sexual harassment.
And no,
I don't have a boyfriend.
You're kidding.
I guess it must be hard
to find someone your own age.
It's hard to find someone,
period.
All the good ones
are married.
I'm quitting.
Oh, come on, Katie,
you always run away
from the prospect
of good sex.
Janet, for god's sake,
he's married.
Yes, it's perfect.
There's no commitment,
just the thrill.
I don't want the thrill.
If I wanted the thrill
I'd go skydiving.
[Laughs]
No, I don't wanna be
someone's bimbo secretary.
Oh, really?
What do you want?
You want to be their wife?
Yes.
No, you don't.
You think it's
what you should want.
But it's not what
you really want.
See, your mind
wants stability.
Your body wants an affair.
Like all women,
you are torn by contradiction.
Your superego and your ID
are in constant combat
fighting on the battleground
of your psyche.
Where the hell
did you read that?
The Bible.Huh?
Cosmo,darling, where else?
Let's go.
I just think you are
afraid to have sex.
What?
You're 25, Katie,
and most women start
having sex when
they're in high school.
You mean most girls,
when they're
pressured into it.
Ok, whatever.
Look, you don't
have to quit, honey.
Barclay is vice president
and he's not gonna
put his entire career
in jeopardy for
a romp with some temp.
[Laughs]
But it's not him
I'm worried about. It's me.
See? See?
Because cosmowas right.
You're torn
by contradiction.
It's the female condition,
darling.
Oh, hey, you know what?
By the way,
your friend called me.
Who?
Um, I don't know.
That guy Ben.
We're having
drinks tonight.
Great, he's a great guy.
Oh, yeah?
Then why aren't you
going out with him, huh?
See you tomorrow.
Bye.
The thing that I've never
understood about Katie
is how she can be
so self-controlled.
One of life's
great mysteries.
I--i can't believe
she's still a virgin.
[Both laughing]
Look, not that it's
any of my business.
Katie is what I call
a heart-protector.Mmm-hmm.
I see the world divided
into 2 types of people.
The heart-givers
and the heart-protectors.
Now Katie would rather
fend off experiences
and pleasure
in order to avoid
ever getting hurt.
What she doesn't realize is
she's hurting herself
the entire time.
And that's the irony.
In--in an effort
to--to stave off pain,
she's created a pain deeper
than she can ever imagine.
Oh, that's deep.
Huh?
You ever think of becoming
a, you know, shrink?
[Laughs]
I prefer the other side
of the couch, but thank you.
Me, too. Honey--honey,
I would die without therapy.
This is good.
Ok, all right, so what am I?
I'm a heart-giver
or a heart-protector, huh?
Definitely. Heart-giver.
[Laughs]
See, I can-- I can tell
by the way
you--you hold your glass.
You don't grab it,
you're not afraid
it's gonna slip out
of your hand and fall.
Katie, on the other hand,
grabs it so tight
you think it's gonna
crack in her hand.
Well, I never
noticed that before.
Why, you definitely have
an amazing eye for detail.
Ok, ok, ok, ok.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Don't move, don't move,
don't move.
Ok. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Right there, right there.
Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Ok.
Ok, ok, ok, ok, that's it.
That's it,
I can't take it anymore.
Sorry, my nails.
I'm sorry. Oh, god.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, my god!
Whoo!
Boy, you really do
have an eye for detail.
[Laughs]
Well....
Let me tell you something.
I have been with
a lot of boys,
so that's one hell
of a compliment, ok?
My turn.
[Screams]
Oh, yeah.
No...
No, no, no, you...
[Laughs]
On a scale of
1 to 10, a 69.
[Laughs]
Oh, and does he know
how to dust the cracks,
let me tell you.
Don't tell me.
He's not one of those shmucks
who, you know,
climbs on top of you
and starts humping.
We're talking
8 hours of foreplay.
8 hours.
I think his tongue might even
be just a little bit longer.
Janet, please,
I don't want to hear this.
Oh, why not?
Jeez, you set US up.
I can't believe
you slept with her.
Hello,
nice to see you, too.
You know, this is my friend
we're talking about,
not some hooker.
Katie, relax.
Do you ever hear of
consenting adults?
Consenting? Consenting?
Women don't willingly
fuck on first dates.
You must have
really given her a line.
Oh, first of all,
stop insulting me.
What--what is this
really about?
What?
Why is this any
of your business?
My business? It's my business
because you're my best friend.
Yeah. That doesn't give you
carte blanche to my sex life.
You owe me
more than that.
No, no, no, no.
I don't owe you anything.
In case you've forgotten,
you set US up.
Besides, we're just friends.
As you so often repeat
to anyone who'll listen.
Why do you care
who I sleep with?
Because I care about you.
This is not about me,
this is about you.
You know,
you finally set me up
with someone that I like.
But now you don't like that.
Why did you always
fix me up with losers?
Didn't you want me
to be happy?
And why haven't you been
with someone in 4 years?
Because I haven't found
anyone I care about.
Please. You don't
want to find anybody
you'll care about.
Of course I want
to meet someone.
But I'm not gonna force it.
I'll just end up investing
my time and my emotions
in something
that won't pay off.
Listen to you,
you sound like a banker.
You act like
there's supposed to be
some sort of guarantee
to all this.
You won't meet someone if you
don't give anyone a chance.
I gave it a chance.
It failed.
Oh, please, it was 4 years ago
and the guy was a putz.
Oh, how do you know?
You didn't even know him.
Look, Katie, you're pining
over some ideal man
that never even existed.
It's time to get out there
and try again.
And who should I try with?
You?
You know,
you got a problem, Katie.
No, the problem
is--is that you want me
and I don't want you.
This isn't about me.
You're the one
who's never had sex.
[Exhales]
[Door slams]
That went well.
[Exhales]
Oh, I'm glad I caught you.
Come on out.
Listen, uh, New York wants me
to prepare those
new figures by tomorrow.
Can you work late tonight?
Sure.
Oh, I owe you one.
You're saving my ass here.
I don't know how
I'm gonna thank you.
[Katie]
Try sticking your tongue
between my legs.
Don't give me too much credit,
I get overtime.
Yeah, still, you must have
tons of other things
to do on a Friday night.
Not really.
Oh, I can't believe that.
[Laughs]
It's true.
Oh, come on,
you're gorgeous.
Guys must be
knocking down your door.
Big, sweaty guys named moe.
If I weren't married...
What?
[Moans]
I've been dreaming
of this for weeks.
[Both moaning]
[Katie]
Oh, this feels good.
That lethal mixture of drakkar
and superior authority.
[Moans]
Oh, baby.
God, I'm easy,
just put your finger
on the right spot
and I'm brain dead.
Enjoy yourself.
You can enjoy it.
The man's a volcano
and he's about to
erupt all over me.
Wait, he's married.
He loves his wife.
He has a new baby.
What a fucking creep!
I should just...
[Grunts]
I quit.
[Grunts]
[Dad]
We'll give you
whatever you need.
Money's no problem.
Thanks, dad.
Meanwhile,
go look for another job.
Yeah, I will.
But I really think I'll get
one of these nightclub gigs.
In the meantime,
it's good to have something
to fall back on.
Thank god you have
good computer skills.
Yeah, thank god.
How many people actually
make a living as a singer?
It's a fine hobby.
Dad, please.
How do you fool around
with a married man?
I don't know.
Maybe I want
what I can't have.
The forbidden is exciting.
You need to see someone.
Oh, god, why can't I open up
about my feelings
without being
told to see a shrink?
It's nothing to be
ashamed of.
You're the perfect
candidate for therapy.
You're bright,
you're creative.
It's just that I have
a problem with the fact
that everyone I know
is in therapy.
I don't see
anyone getting happier.
That's so defeatist.
You don't understand.
No, I don't.
You're a bunch of
spoiled narcissists
hiding under
the guise of liberation.
[Katie]
Maybe that's why
I can't find the right man.
I'm being punished
for my excessive narcissism.
You creep.
[Crashing]
Holy shit!
[Honk honking]
Shit!
Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
You hit me.
I hope you have insurance.
No.
Well, then i--i guess
you'll have to have
lunch with me.
Follow me.
[Honk honking]
So, do you always buy lunch
for people
who crash into your Ferrari?
Um, well, I suppose
that depends on
the impact of the crash.
Well, that's a pretty hot car.
What do you do for a living?
I compose, actually.
[Laughs]
Do you actually
make a living at it?
I manage.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, you're lucky.
My latest.
"Lovers for the night."
[Laughs]
You're Richard Webber?
[Laughs]
Oh, god.
He dropped all the charges.
He said he'd take care
of it himself.
Whoo, sounds like he wants
to get into your
little panties.
Jones, he's famous.
I don't care if
he's the Dalai Lama.
No guy's gonna drop charges
on his battered Ferrari
unless he wants to
fuck the perpetrator.
Has it ever occurred to you
that not all men
think like you?
Never.
What the hell is
going on with you?
Why aren't you
talking to Ben?
You wouldn't understand.
I understand that you
set me up with a guy
you're madly in love with.
Only you don't know it, Katie
because you've got
this fucked-up idea
of what love is.
Now you're freaking out
because he's moved
on with his life.
What do you know about love?
The longest you've stayed in
a relationship is 6 orgasms.
Well, at least I'm happy.
What the hell
are you looking at?
I was thinkin' about
those 6 orgasms.
She has my number.
I mean, look at you.
You're a goddamn
depressed mess,
with all your moral standards
and impossible ideals.
I don't need
a lecture right now.
No.
No, you need a good lay.
In case you've forgotten
I don't enjoy having sex
with someone who
doesn't love me.
I value myself
a little more than that.
Oh! Oh, you are so smug.
You think I don't value myself
because I like to have sex?
No, because you like
to have sex
with people who
don't care about you.
You know, it's women like you
that keep feminism back.
No, it's women like you
that keep feminism back
by playing this stupid game
where you think you
can be equal to men
by playing their game.
But the problem is,
that's all it is. A game.
By the time you've won,
you realize you've entered
the wrong contest.
Because you've lowered
yourself to their level
instead of
creating your own level.
Katie, you can stay here in
your little ivory tower, ok.
But I'm not the one going
to bed alone every night
while my life
is passing me by.
God.
She is so self-righteous.
What happened?Nothing. Nothing.
Just the usual Katie lecture
on how's she's
the vestal virgin
and I'm a worthless slut
who apparently
doesn't like herself.
She sure knows how to
push your buttons.
What's that
supposed to mean?
Nothing.
Why are you getting so upset?
I'm not upset.
I mean, do I look upset?
No.
Worthless slut.
Don't talk to me like that.
[Engine starting]
It's not flattering.
Well, I think it's sexy.
Turn around.
Let me see it from the back.
Makes your ass look big.
My ass is big.
You say that like
you're proud of it.
This is my body, mom.
It's taken me
25 years to like it.
Oh, if you'd just
lose 15 pounds
you could be in playboy.
Why the fuck would I
wanna be in playboy?
Stop it,
people are looking at US.
I don't give a shit.
I'm talented. I'm smart.
I've never had an abortion
or an eating disorder,
and all you can say is
that I have a big ass.
[Yodeling]
[Telephone ringing]
[Glass shattering]
Hello? Hi.
What are you doing?
Practicing.
Well, when are we
gonna practice
getting to know
each other better?
To happy accidents.
There are no accidents,
only cosmic convenience.
[Exhales]
Right to the head.
Aren't you supposed
to delicately sip it?
Well, it depends on
what kind of person you are.
I like to think of
drinking like making love.
A man can revel in
the taste of one woman,
slowly exploring
every minute detail.
He can drink her liquid
over a lifetime
or he can sample many,
quickly.
But his satisfaction comes in
the variety and the quantity.
And you're the second type?
Would that upset you?
Why would it upset me?
We're just friends.
Oh, Katie,
the night is still young.
You're sure full of yourself.
I simply know what I want.
Some people think
that's arrogance,
or, as you say,
"being full of yourself."
But it is simply a matter
of assurance and instinct
of which I have both.
And I know I want
to make love to you.
[Clears throat]
♪ In the midnight
so how many women
are you tasting now?
None. I haven't had much
of an appetite lately.
Maybe you've overeaten.
Well, maybe I'm just
eating the wrong dishes.
[Richard]
Yes, well, this is lovely.
[Katie]
Oh, thank you.
And thank you
very much for dinner.
And, um, you're welcome.
What about Saturday?
I--i have an audition
at the atlas on Saturday.
All day?
Look, Richard, I don't think
that we're right
for each other.
I'd like to be the main course
on a man's plate,
and it looks like
yours is already full.
Don't be so sure.
So, uh,
did we just miss
an opportunity to get laid?
Let me let you in on
a little secret, Jones.
When you're a woman,
the opportunity
is never lost.
Oh, I just love
those comebacks, baby.
So, uh, you gonna crawl up
in your little bed
and masturbate now?
Oh, fuck off.
That's what I'm askin'.
It's all sex to
you guys, isn't it?
Pretty much, yeah.
Don't you ever
get sick of it?
Don't you ever
want to find someone
to share your thoughts with?
Your dreams? Your life?
I have you for that.
Yeah, but wouldn't it be nice
if that person was
your lover as well?
It seems like you
guys want to separate
your good friends
from your sex partners.
Why?
Because
good friends are
hard to replace.
Good sex partners aren't.
I don't get it.
You will, my child.
You're still very young.
[Laughs]
So, uh, did you have
a good time at least tonight?
Oh, god, I'm painfully
attracted to him.
Both physically and mentally.
But he's a cad.
How do you know that?
Because he made some remark
about women being like food.
And let me guess,
he likes to
sample many dishes.
Yes.
[Laughs]
So, uh, when are you
gonna see him again?
♪ I go through the day
♪ and tell myself
that I'm ok ♪
♪ and things
I've never known ♪
♪ I don't need
♪ like everywhere I've been
♪ and everyone
I can't let in ♪
♪♪ but I can't live this way
♪ all my life, you see
♪ 'cause I want
to know the touch ♪
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ I want to know the thrill
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ I tell myself it's fine
♪ and other things
will pass the time ♪
♪ and lots of people
never feel this way ♪
♪ and I know I've never tried
to let my soul ♪
♪ be satisfied
♪ and until I do
♪ I'm living half a life
♪ and I wanna know
the touch ♪
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ to know
the breathless thrill ♪
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
I was right.
You're very good.
How old are you?
25. Why?
Well, you don't seem to enjoy
life like you should at 25.
What do you mean?
Instead of enjoying
your attraction to me,
you're nervous.
You won't just go
with your feelings.
That's a pretty
cheap shot at seduction.
♪[Fumbling towards ecstasy
by Sarah mclachlan playing]
♪ It's my heart
that pounds beneath my flesh ♪
♪ it's my mouth
that pushes out this breath ♪
It's the truth.
If it works as seduction,
so be it.
Oh, god, you're arrogant.
But you like that.
You're drawn to me.
Yes,
against my better judgment.
[Chuckling]
I'm driving to
Santa Barbara tonight.
I'd like you to come.
No, I can't.
Come on,
it'll be good for you.
You'll meet people
you wouldn't normally meet,
broaden your horizons.
Risk a little.
♪ And if I shed a tear
I won't cage it ♪
I am leaving in 10 minutes.
♪ I won't fear love
[exclaiming]
We were just
talking about you.
[Bob laughing]
We were wondering
when your next
Magnum opus
will be completed.
Very soon.
What does that mean,
"soon"?
What is waiting, my boy?
I can't help the...
[Katie]
God, this is really weird.
Who are these people?
They're weird.
Oh!
He's trouble.
So why am I here?
[Bob]
So Katie, what do you do?
[Richard]
She's a singer-songwriter.
Oh, really?
Where do you sing?
[Katie]
Well, I haven't really
done much.
And I don't make
a living at it.
I hope this will do.
Everything else is full
this weekend.
[Katie gasping]
[Speaking hindi]
So what is this place?
Some sort of commune?
[Sighs]
Bob yager is
a respected psychologist
cum astrologer,
cum spiritual advisor.
He really is quite
a brilliant guy. Brilliant.
If he's so brilliant,
how come he's putting US
in the same bed?
Can't he tell
we're not a couple?
Well, maybe he's just
looking into the future.
Oh!
[Exclaims]
So we're sharing
a bed tonight?
Mmm-hmm.
Don't you trust yourself?
Well, it's not me
I'm worried about.
Yes, it is.
[Chuckles]
[Fire crackling]
[Katie]
He's right. It is me.
I can't get to sleep
to save my life.
I just wish he'd hold me down
and fuck my brains out.
Are you awake?
Yeah.
Give me your hand.
Why?
[Exclaims]
Relax,
I'm not going to bite you.
Give it to me.
How does that feel?
Good.
Feels good.
[Katie]
Oh, god, maybe
my g-spot's in my hand.
I just want to grab him
and throw myself on him.
Don't do it.
He'll think you're a slut.
What are you thinking?
Nothing.
Just give in, for once.
Let yourself enjoy the moment.
You're a big girl,
you can handle it.
Good night.
You idiot.
You hardly know him.
You'll ruin your whole life
in one night.
♪[Fumbling towards ecstasy
by Sarah mclachlan playing]
♪ All the fear
has left me now ♪
♪ I'm not frightened anymore
♪ it's my heart
that pounds beneath my flesh ♪
♪ it's my mouth
that pushes out this breath ♪
Wait. I can't do this.
[Both sighing]
What's the matter?
I'm sorry.
It's ok.
It's ok.
When was the last time
you made love?
This is the first time.
Oh, my god.
Oh, Katie.
Don't feel sorry for me.
No, I don't.
I'm not really sure
how to feel.
You should be flattered.
I am.
I've waited for it
to be perfect.
[Birds twittering]
I love you.
I'll call you.
Soon.
[Katie]
Soon?
What the hell does that mean?
Oh, I should never
have said "I love you."
Men hate that.
They--they suffocate.
I'm suffocating him.
Can you spare some change?
I--i promise
I won't spend it on drugs.
[Sniffs]
Thank you.
Do you remember
losing your virginity?
What?
If you tell me about it,
I'll give you another dollar.
$5.
Fine.
I was, uh, 11.
11?
That's disgusting.
You were still a child.
Who says there's a right age?
You're ready
when you want it.
[Sighs]
What kind of woman
would sleep with
an 11-year-old boy?
She lived upstairs.
Doris delany.
I was a cute kid.
She was kind of restless.
So how was it?
It was great.
She taught me
everything I know.
[Katie]
Unbelievable.
Nothing's sacred anymore.
Hi.
Hi.
[Both chuckling]
Hi, I'm Ben.
Richard Webber.
How do you do?
So how are you?
I'm good.
Good.
And how are things
with Janet?
Good.
Good.
[Katie]
Ben looks terrific.
Sex must be agreeing
with him.
God, I miss him, I really do.
But face it,
you're not right
for each other.
Well, it was good
to see you.
You, too.
Well, nice to meet you,
Richard.
Pleasure.
[Water running]
[Chuckles]
Here you go.
What are you giving me
these for?
Oh, honey, can't we use
your penis tonight?
If we must.
Thank you.
You'll never guess
who I saw outside of
condomania tonight.
Who?
Katie.
Katie who?
Katie, you know.
Won't-talk-to-US-
because-we-like-each-other
Katie.
Katie? Outside of condomania?
Uh-huh. It gets better.
Guess who she was with?
Who?
A guy.
Stop. A real guy?
A real pretentious guy.
Hello, I'm Richard Webber,
and I couldn't
possibly be more of a prick.
Wait, wait, wait,
what was his name?
Richard Webber.
British guy?
Kind of, yeah.
Honey, Richard Webber.
He's like this totally famous
composer guy.
Really?
Yeah.
I never heard of him.
Well, that's because
you're totally uncultured,
Ben.
Thank you, dear.
You need help with that?
Sure.
[Ben groans]
Sorry.
Thank you.
Honey, Richard Webber
is this eccentric, eclectic,
composer-pianist.
Yeah, women love him.
Really?
Love him.
Could I have less hair?
My god, you know
what that means?
What does that mean?
I bet she did it. You know.
She didn't tell me.
I'm going to kill her.
Can I help?
God, I give her every detail
about my sex life.
You do?
[Katie]
I saw Ben the other day
coming out of condomania.
Can you believe it?
[Both giggling]
Well, I'm glad he's finally
in a relationship.
Doesn't mean he's in
the right relationship.
Well, anything is better
than what he had with you.
Excuse me?
Really, was it fair
to have him play proxy
knowing
he'd never be the man?
Am I supposed to feel guilty
for not having sex with him?
That's not what I'm saying.
Well, then
what are you saying?
Face it,
Ben was a stand-in boyfriend.
More attentive than a friend,
less demanding than a lover.
Fun for you, but fair to him?
I think not.
He's a big boy,
he can take care of himself.
In the matters of love,
men are little boys.
Little, little, little.
And every guy has some story
about a reluctant date
won over,
or a friend
turned into lover.
And face it,
you're never seeing anyone.
So what's there
to dash his hopes?
Well, I'm seeing someone now.
Really? Since when?
A few weeks. You're
never going to believe
who it is.
Who?
Richard Webber.
Isn't he your father's age?
No, he's 47.
Katie, that's ridiculous.
You slept with him,
didn't you?
[Laughing]
I can't believe it.
You wait until you're 25
and give it up to some guy
in a midst
of a midlife crisis?
God damn it, Elizabeth,
why can't you
ever be happy for me?
I'm just being honest,
as your friend.
Oh, you're not my friend.
You're an unsupportive bitch
who negates
and criticizes everything
that's important to me.
Shh.
Don't shush me!
This is the first guy
I have ever slept with.
And how dare you tell me
he's in it for the sex?
And even if you think he is,
you should have
the fucking tact
to keep it to yourself.
I'm not gonna lie to you
just to protect
your feelings.
[Katie snorting]
[Groaning]
[Katie grunting]
[Elizabeth choking]
Katie, are you all right?
Yeah.
[Lou]
Hey, sugar,
it's Lou candela
at the atlas bar and grill.
I got some great news.
You're in.
You start tomorrow,
sweetheart.
[Whoops]
I just can't believe
someone finally
gave me a chance.
Hell, I auditioned
for over 30 clubs
this year.
I had completely given up.
It's all because of you.
You make me lucky.
Cheers.
That woman is staring at you.
[Sighs]
She is my ex-wife.
Well, I didn't know
you were married.
8 years.
8 years in the inferno.
Hello, Richard.
Hello, Deirdre.
And you are?
Katie.
Well.
Have fun.
[Moans]
Why did you marry her?
Well, i--i was too young
to know any better.
I--i wanted
a little security.
It seemed like
the thing to do.
You've been
with a lot of women,
haven't you?
Well, that would depend
on what you would consider
a lot, I think.
How many?
[Sighs]
I don't know.
50.
You've been with 50 women?
I don't know.
I never kept a record.
How can you not know
how many women
you've slept with?
Jesus, Katie.
I want to know.
We just made love.
Why--why should I be afraid
to ask you
a personal question?
[Sighs]
What's wrong?
We were having a good time.
Why did you have to ruin it?
Oh, you are so needy.
What?
All I did was ask
about your parents' divorce.
Janet, I want to know you.
Ben, why do I have
to open up to you
every time we fuck?
Isn't that what sex is,
opening up?
Ben, we're exchanging
bodily fluids, ok?
Not organs, for fuck's sake.
We don't have anything
to talk about, do we?
Well, if we
don't have anything
to say to each other
then we don't have anything
to say to each other.
Well, if we have nothing
to say to each other,
we shouldn't be together.
God, Ben, I came, you came.
If that's not enough for you
then, yeah, you know,
maybe we
shouldn't be together.
♪ Oh, baby,
trust what is good ♪
♪ learn what you want
and I'll want
what you should ♪
♪ this is the only thing
I really know ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh
♪ I watch the sky
and search the rain ♪
♪ for meaning and passions
and an end to the pain ♪
♪ I want what is true
♪ I want to put my hands
all over you ♪
♪ and sing, hallelujah,
I'm finally here ♪
♪ hallelujah,
this is my heaven ♪
♪ I looked around
but, baby,
I found it right here ♪
♪ this is my heaven
♪ I'm starting to think
that there's more in a look ♪
♪ than I ever found
in a prophet or book ♪
♪ and, like religion,
there's fire and fear
in your soul ♪
♪ oh, oh, oh
♪ and, baby,
the passion you bring ♪
♪ is unto itself
a spiritual thing ♪
♪ I'll start, say I do
♪ I want to put my hands
♪ all over you
♪ and sing, hallelujah,
I'm finally here ♪
♪ hallelujah,
this is my heaven ♪
♪ I looked around
but, baby,
I found it right here ♪
♪♪ this is my heaven ♪
[Audience whooping]
[Man whistling]
Hey, uh, you were
swell up there tonight.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, look,
do you want to have a drink
or somethin'?
Oh, sorry, not tonight,
my parents are here.
Oh.
Maybe some other time.
Sure.
Hi.
You weren't bad.
Well, thank you
for the glowing review, daddy.
You know your father,
handing out a compliment
gives him gout.
You were wonderful.
Thanks, mom.
And you look so beautiful.
Have you lost weight?
No,
I'm in love.
His name is Richard.
Oh. What's his last name?
No, mom, he's not Jewish.
Oh.
When are we
gonna meet him?
Soon.
What's wrong with him?
Well, what do you mean?
You haven't introduced him
to US yet,
something must be wrong.
How old is he?
Oh, well, he's a little bit
older than me.
Is he closer to your age
or to mine?
[Chuckles]
My parents can't wait
to meet you.
Ooh, such pressure.
Mmm.
[Screams]
Come inside, I have
a little surprise for you.
Ooh.
[Both laughing]
Close your eyes.
Close them. Now. Ok.
Here we are.
Uh-huh.
Right.
Right.
Eyes closed.
Voila.
Open.
[Mimicking trumpet blowing]
Here we go.
[Clears throat]
[Woman moaning]
[Moaning]
Oh, honey.
[Chuckling]
What the hell is this?
Just give it a second,
it gets better.
Oh!
God, turn it off.
[Woman moaning]
Katie? Wait, Katie.
I thought you would...
God!
You didn't...
Well, i--i...
It was working for me.
You didn't get excited?
A little?
You excite me.
That--that just--
that just makes me sick.
I don't need that.
We don't need that.
Ok. Come on.
Now open up a little bit.
Sex is still brand new
to you.
You don't know
a damn thing about it.
It doesn't always have to be
some transcendent
emotional experience.
Sometimes, you know,
it can just be,
you know, sex.
I don't like pornography.
But how do you know?
[Exclaims]
Did daddy ever
want to do things
that made you feel
uncomfortable?
I mean sexual things.
No.
Oh, Jesus,
I am the only person I know
whose parents have
a perfect marriage,
and I'm more screwed up
than anyone.
You're not screwed up.
It's your generation
that's so crazy.
Yeah,
but don't you understand?
I'm a part of that craziness.
If I can't exist within it
by playing its rules,
I'm the screwup.
You set
such a perfect example
of what a marriage should be,
that every relationship
I'm in can't match up.
Sorry, if we would've known,
we would've gotten divorced.
Now, that would
look flattering on you.
[Gasps]
[Sighs]
[Chuckling]
♪[Faking
by Melissa ferrick playing]
♪ Well after last night
♪ I feel more vulnerable
♪ than I've every been
♪ can't you see
that I'm letting you in ♪
♪ I don't know
how much longer ♪
Richard.
♪ I can resist
♪ I don't know
♪ when I'm gonna start
breaking ♪
[Richard exclaiming]
[Richard laughing]
♪ You are not there
♪ oh, no
♪ oh, no, baby
[screams]
I'm sorry.
[Richard]
Look, it was my fault.
I really should have
warned you, I'm sorry.
No, it was my fault,
i'm--I'm still so new at this.
♪ Because I don't know
[chuckling]
Oh, my.
♪ How much longer
I can resist ♪
♪ and I
god, I cannot believe it.
What?
What--what did I do now?
Here we go again, Ben.
What?
Don't, I want to finish
this conversation.
I'm not going to talk about it
while you are in the shower.
Ow! God!
[Sighs]
Look at me. Look at me.
Look, I don't know
what I said.
But whatever it is,
I'm sorry.
You don't know
what you said, Ben?
No, I really don't.
We were in the shower,
we're making love.
I feel, you know, connected.
Then you tell me
you and Katie use
the same cream rinse.
I don't care, Ben.
It's weird,
and it makes me feel
totally shitty. Ok.
I'm--I'm sorry. I'm a--
I'm a little confused here.
All of a sudden
we were making love,
and you are connected?
I thought you didn't want
that kind of relationship.
I didn't know
we were at that level.
Well, you know what, Ben?
We're not. Ok.
Hey, where are you goin'?
Oh, to bed. I'm beat.
Do you want some company?
[Laughs]
Come here.
[Muffled]
Hey. Let me go!
[Grunting]
Bitch! You're fired.
[Gasping]
I quit.
Oh, yeah? You know,
I never wanted to hire you
in the first place.
Your boyfriend,
he paid me to.
What?
Yeah, you know,
the guy that you're fucking.
He did you a big favor.
What?
Yeah.
You must really know
how to give head.
Why don't you show me
your technique?
[Grunting]
[Groaning]
What's wrong?
You paid that creep
to hire me?
All right, calm down, Katie.
Answer me.
I--i wanted
to give you a break.
I don't need you
to give me a break.
Katie, look.
What's done is done.
I think you are
extremely talented.
I wanted very much
to do you a favor,
and I'm sorry
if you can't see it like that.
Oh, god, I feel so cheap.
Well, you see,
that's your own problem.
You're insecure.
It's hard to be anything else
when you're a genius
and I'm a failure.
I am anything but a genius.
Everything I have written
is a variation on the same
boring fucking theme.
Well, but everyone says
I'm great.
Well, that's all that matters,
right?
[Slams table]
Besides,
it's impossible
to be a failure at 25.
Are all Jewish women
this fucked up?
[Sighs]
Guilt, pressure and big asses
are our birthrights.
I'm gonna go.
Call you in a few days?
Women.
You can never get it right
with them, you know?
Whatever I do,
they overanalyze it,
they--they take everything
as a direct insult to them.
You know,
hey, I'm tired, I'm upset,
I don't want to talk about it.
She thinks
she did something wrong.
You know?
Oh, I tell you the games.
Women get everything they want
through manipulation.
You seem particularly down
on women today.
I generally like women.
But once
you have sex with them,
they--they become monsters.
They--they--
they don't want you enough.
They want you too much.
Maybe I'm just with
the wrong woman.
Are you still in love
with Katie?
Could--could you--
could you not go there?
Let's not talk about Katie,
you know
it's bad for my ulcer.
Hi, it's me, I'm sorry
about the other day.
I'd like to think
I am more mature now.
Wouldn't we all?
Look, I'm going
to my women's gathering
tonight.
If you're not busy...
Well, that's kind of
like therapy, isn't it?
Yeah, I don't think so.
I have had a lot of sex,
but I haven't been
in a relationship
in a really long time.
And now I'm living
with this wonderful guy
and I am petrified.
I keep waiting
for the axe to drop,
to be disappointed.
Well, you know
what the problem is?
There're so many assholes
out there,
that when a good one
finally comes along,
we don't give him a chance.
I'm not in a hurry.
Prince charming
may not even exist.
Maybe he's trapped
under a heavy object,
waiting for me to save him.
Doesn't mean
I'm not gonna have sex
while I'm waiting.
[Nina]
I love sex,
but if the guy
doesn't love me
I feel like shit
the next day.
Oh, the next day,
try the next 2 months.
Still.
Why do you guys feel guilty?
25 years ago,
sex was something
you gave a man
to guarantee
that he'd take care of you,
give you legitimacy
and all that crap.
Now we can enjoy it, too.
[Katie]
I feel like I'm in the middle
of a Henry jaglom movie.
I'm not like these girls.
How can I even participate
in the conversation
when I've only had sex
with one person?
They'd think I was catholic.
Elizabeth has it perfect.
She found Clark,
the most wonderful guy
in the world.
Mmm. That's for sure.
I miss Richard.
♪[Till you're dead
by Melissa ferrick playing]
♪ Well, I'm thinking
that you got
some sort of hold on me ♪
♪ well, it's making me crazy
♪ it's making me crazy
♪ n' I know my life
it is sort of out of control ♪
♪ but you know
my mind goes faster ♪
♪ than any car on the road
[Richard moaning] ♪ 'cause I thought
love was hard ♪
♪ so I tried
with all my might ♪
♪ 'n I thought love lasted
so I always stayed the night ♪
♪ and now I'm in your chair
♪ and you are talking to me
[Richard laughing]
♪ I can see your lips moving
but I don't hear a thing ♪
♪ so pay attention I said
♪ to my aching head
♪ you know this is it
you fool ♪
♪ you're gonna be
with this one ♪
[Richard]
Katie!
Katie!
♪ So I'm taking a walk
♪ down to my
favorite coffee shop ♪
♪ sit down in the corner
♪ and try to write down
my thoughts ♪
Get your hands off me.
You didn't call me all week.
What was I supposed to think?
One week.
One week
you couldn't keep your dick
in your pants?
You have no idea what it is
to be a man, do you?
Katie. Katie, it's just sex.
You have to get over
these illusions.
No man will ever be faithful
to you completely, forever.
It's not in our nature.
Well, your nature sucks.
[Sighs]
What's wrong with me?
What did I do wrong?
You know, am I bad in bed?
Oh, no, Katie, darling.
You're perfect.
You're a...
You're absolutely perfect.
You're a gourmet meal.
I just can't eat gourmet food
every night.
Sometimes i--i have to eat
fast food.
Women are not food.
You can't consume US
and then shit US out
when you're full.
♪ Am I looking good
♪ enough for ya baby
[clenching]
Give me the door.
♪ 'Cause I thought
love was hard ♪
[Tires screeching]
♪ 'N I thought love lasted
♪ so I always stayed
the night ♪
♪ now I'm in your chair
♪ and you are talking to me
♪ I can see your lips moving
♪ but I don't hear a thing
[banging on door]
[Jones]
Katie!
[Jones banging on door]
Katie, open up.
I know you're in there.
I can hear you crying
through the wall.
[Continues banging]
If you don't open the door,
I'm going to
have an obscene orgy
and force you to listen!
[Sighs]
You look like shit.
He cheated on me.
[Sighs]
So what happened?
I saw him.
I went over there to make up,
[sobbing]
And I saw him.
[Sniffling]
I'm sorry, baby.
And then he said to me:
"Well, it really
doesn't matter,
because it's just sex."
[Sighs]
[Laughs]
And that reminds me
of a Lenny Bruce joke
I heard.
This guy was
stranded on a desert island
for a year and a half.
So naturally
he started to get horny.
So he dug a hole in the mud
and began fucking the mud.
So his wife, one day,
after years of looking for him
finally finds him
and catches him
fucking the mud.
And she says to him,
"you cheated on me."
[Laughing]
Oh, uh, I told it wrong.
No, no, I get it.
You are not gonna
understand this,
but why else would a guy
wake up in the morning
with an erection
and not know why?
I mean,
the wind could blow and...
Beep!
I mean,
there is no reason for it.
There's no intimacy,
no nothing.
The body just goes...
Beep!
Well, that is
what makes US different
from animals.
We can control ourselves.
We are animals.
And you better start
accepting that,
or else you are gonna be
both horny and alone.
[Janet]
One second!
Hi.
Hi.
Can I come in?
Look--
I want to apologize.
I had no right to judge you.
[Exclaims]
I don't know, maybe I wish
I were more like you.
But I'm not,
so I resent you for it.
Look, I'm sorry.
All right. I'm over it.
So how's Ben?
We broke up.
What happened?
Boredom. The inevitable end
to all relationships.
I'm sorry.
Well, please, my love life
is like a revolving door.
You know, they come,
literally, and then they go.
Whatever.
There's always another one
to take his place.
You sound like
you're resigned to it
or something.
I am.
Anyway, so, what's up
with your guy, huh?
What's--what's happening?
It didn't work out.
Par for the course.
Ok. That's it.
We're going out,
and we're going
to forget about them.
Oh, god, where?
Club sin.
Oh, Christ.
Janet, please.
You know I hate that scene.
[Janet]
Honey, this place
has the hottest specimens
of male flesh and mushiness.
Janet, I'm not built
like you.
Come on, what are you
talking about?
You have a great body.
You wear what,
a 7-and-a-half shoe?
On the inside.
I'm not built like you
on the inside.
I can't just go out
and pick up strange men
and have sex with them.
Oh, my god. You know,
you've got it all figured out,
don't you?
You think it's so simple.
You go out,
you find the right guys,
the greatest
fucking female myth
ever propagated,
and then you settle down
into a life of perfection.
I don't know
what I think anymore.
[Sighs]
Yeah, well,
sex does that to women.
♪[Elevate my mind
by stereo mc's playing]
♪ I wanna go higher
♪ I wanna go higher
[whoops] ♪ I wanna go higher
I can't do this.
What?
I'm goin' home!
Shut up! Come on, dance.
♪ If I ever get down
in the dumps ♪
♪ short of a dollar
nothin' change for months ♪
♪ it seems to rain
[Katie]
Janet, please.
Men love this shit, honey!
♪ It's no illusion
oh, I see one,
I'll see you later.
♪ We can rise death
defy gravity ♪
[Katie]
Look at that,
she's so comfortable
with herself, her sexuality.
I could never be like that,
letting myself go
with a complete stranger.
He could be
a complete psycho or a rapist.
You want to dance?
♪♪ Sometimes
its better that way ♪
♪ makin' space
for a some day ♪
♪ we're on the ground floor
got lots to learn ♪
♪ slip to the basement
and you burn ♪
♪ first floor
and you start to fall ♪
♪ out the bed clothes
answer the door ♪
♪ on the second I comprehend
[whoops]
♪ Positive waves
are what I send ♪
[Gasping]
[Katie]
This is ridiculous.
I don't believe in this.
Why am I trying
to do something
I don't believe in?
Maybe I do believe in it,
what the hell
do I believe in anyway?
Well, maybe Janet's right,
I can have a few orgasms
and not feel guilty about it.
It--it doesn't have
to be love.
[Janet moaning]
[Moans]
I feel nothing.
I couldn't orgasm right now
if you put a gun to my head.
Who am I kidding?
I'm turned on,
let's just face it.
You don't want
to get into it.
That would be admitting
that everyone else is right
and I'm wrong.
Oh, god, I'm wrong.
Excuse me.
Huh?
What are you doing?
Well, you don't like this?
Of course I like it,
that's not the point.
How can you stick your tongue
between my legs
when you don't even know
my name?
Didn't your mother
ever teach you,
you are what you eat?
I could be
a psychotic love addict,
with castration fantasies.
Do you actually feel
anything for me?
Oh, yeah.
Do you feel anything at all?
You know, if I told you
I had a terminal disease,
would you even give a shit?
Shit.
You're weird.
[Ben]
Katie.
I'm sorry,
I know it's really late.
Come on in.
Ok,
what happened?
[Sobbing]
God, I missed you.
Oh, I feel like
I've lost my best friend.
Shh.
I'm still your friend.
I know, but I'm not
your number one anymore.
Look, come on, Katie.
It didn't have to be this way.
You know, you knew
how I felt about you.
I mean, sure,
the emotional intimacy
was great,
but I had physical needs, too.
I couldn't go on
in a platonic relationship
forever.
I know.
You always fixed me up
with these women
I wouldn't be attracted to,
and then it backfired
on you.
I knew that
if you found someone
you wouldn't need me
anymore.
I will always need you.
You'll find someone
to make you happy.
I know it can't be me,
but I really do want
the best for you.
♪ I want you
♪ I want you
♪ I want you
[exclaims]
How are things
going with Ben?
Good.
Ben's a great guy.
Well, he's warm,
he's caring, sensitive.
So why aren't you
attracted to him?
For all those reasons.
[Birds twittering]
[Katie]
Ok,
so I admit it, I was jealous.
Everybody's right.
Clark's such a great guy.
And look at Elizabeth.
I have never seen her
look so radiant.
[People chattering]
[Clears throat]
My parents
are waiting for US.
Hi.
Hi.
It was so clear out today.
Well, Elizabeth wouldn't
settle for anything less
on her wedding day.
What?
I love you.
[Scoffs]
Christ, Katie.
You're just feeling emotional
because you just saw
your best friend get married.
Ben, i--
forget about it.
You know, I'm not some shmuck
that you settle for.
I deserve better than that.
Yes, you do.
You are such an asshole.
[Katie]
The cliche is true.
You have to kiss
a lot of frogs,
or, in the '90s,
fuck a lot of frogs,
before you find a prince.
Still, who would've thought
prince charming was
a little overweight,
with a receding hairline.
Life is full of surprises.
♪ Forgive me
♪ and kiss me again
♪ if love is alive
♪ I know I'll survive
♪ so haunt me
♪ yes, hurt me again
♪ my heart's no stranger
♪ aware of
the dangerous spell ♪
♪ you have put me in
♪ to love and be loved
♪ is all that I need
♪ forever and ever
♪ I pray
♪ take me away
♪ far beyond eternity
♪ my destiny
♪ calls to me
♪ I go through the day
♪ I tell myself
♪ that I'm ok
♪ and things
I've never known ♪
♪ I don't need
♪ like everywhere I've been
♪ and everyone
♪ I can't let in
♪ but I can't live this way
♪ all my life, you see
♪ cause I want to know
a touch ♪
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ I want to know
the thrill ♪
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ I tell myself it's fine
♪ and other things
♪ will pass the time
♪ and lots of people
never feel this way ♪
♪ and I know
I've never tried ♪
♪ to bare my soul
♪ be satisfied
♪ and until I do
♪ I'm livin' half a life
♪ and I want to know a touch
♪ and move too fast
♪ and feel too much
♪ to know
the breathless thrill ♪
♪ that a kiss can bring
♪ like anything
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪
♪ so touch me once
♪ and hold me close
♪ and show me
all I've needed most ♪