I Love You, Beth Cooper (2009) - full transcript

Subtitles by demonseye

You will never see her again.

Nunca.

Dude, after graduation, she'll be
gone until like the tenth reunion,

if you both even live
that long.

And she'll be... so very pregnant by
then, baking someone else's DNA.

And she'll have this, like, big,
pregnant cow grin on her face.

She won't even remember
who you are.

Well, I sat behind her
in almost every class.

- Behind her.
- Shh.

Behind her.
She never saw you, dude.



You don't give this big speech
at graduation, you don't exist.

No, Denis, if you... If you don't
do this... If you don't do this...

"You'll regret it.

Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

and for the rest o' your life."

What are you
talking about?

Come on,
it's "Casablanca", 1942,

Michael Curtiz, director...

- Bogart, dude!
- Shh.

Seriously?

Bogart.

Thank you,
Angelica.

It's Angelica. Whatever.

Angelica.



Thank you for that rousing
rendition of... "Forget Me".

Next, and finally,
your valedictorian...

Denis Cooverman.

Today we look forward.

Look forward to
getting out of here.

Heh, heh, heh.

But today, I would
also like to... look back...

look back on our four years here
at Buffalo Glenn High School,

looking back
not with anger,

but with... no regrets.

No regrets for
what we wanted to... do...

but did not...

what we wanted to... say...

but... could not.

And so I say here today...

the one thing
I wish I had said...

the one thing I know I will
regret if I never say:

I love you, Beth Cooper.

He likes you.

I have loved you,
Beth Cooper...

ever since I first sat behind you in
Ms. Rosa's math class in the 7th grade.

Heh.

I loved you when I... sat behind you
in... Senor Weidner's Spanish

and... Ms. Calumet-Hobey's
Literature of the Oppressed.

I loved you
from behind...

in Biology, History, and,
yes, Practical Science.

I loved you, but I never told you
because... we never spoke.

Unbelievable.

But now I say it...
with no regrets.

I... love you,
Beth Cooper.

And so let us all say the things
that we longed to say

but... our tongues would not.

Let us be unafraid
to admit:

"I have an eating disorder,
and I need help."

Let us confess:

"I'm a stuck-up bitch...

cause deep down,
I believe I am worthless."

Let us declare:

"I'm a big,
dumb moron.

I'm a big old asshole who
beats up on other kids

because... I was
unloved as a baby

or was... sexually abused
or something.

I am sorry for
the cruel swirlies...

the pink bellies...

the purple nurples."

And let us, no,
let all of us vow:

"When I graduate, I'm not gonna keep
hanging around my old high school,

like some kind of
creepy loser

who can't get
an adult girlfriend."

You know
who you are. You.

And, yes,
let us not regret...

that we never told
our own best friend:

"I'm gay, dude.

I'm totally gay."

I'm not gay.

Yes.

Indeed. Let us all...

Thank you, Denis.

Food for thought.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Wow.

Perfect.

- Whoa.
- Oh.

- It's okay.
- Sorry.

- Sorry.
- All right.

- Mr. Cooverman, hi.
- Hey! Hello.

I've never known you to
do anything so reckless,

really at all reckless.

Well, thank you.

Uh, no. That is not
what I would expect

from somebody
who is going to Stanford.

You know,
one call from me

and you could be going
to Harper Community College.

That would be unimaginable.
You can't...

Look, I don't know why
I did th... Who was that?

That wasn't me.
I-I-I-I was under an influence.

- Are you drunk?
- What?

I just meant my thinking
had been compromised.

- Look, Rich told me if...
- Rich Munsch?

Yeah.

Uh, I wouldn't take heterosexual
advice from Rich Munsch.

But he was right.

I mean,
I had to do something.

I'm not there in her brain.
She will have no memory of me.

So?

So? Come on, dr. Gleason, haven't...
haven't you ever been in love?

Your nipples are... so weird.

Denis, there's another
Beth Cooper out there.

One just for you.

You embarrassed me.

Uh...

But it was so sweet,
I'll have to let you live.

Well, that's good.
Because, uh, I like to live.

Is it like 800 degrees
in there, like boiling?

Actually, uh, the boiling point
of water is 212 degrees Fahrenheit...

100 degrees Celsius.

I am so hot.

I can imagine...

that you're hot.

Hey. So,
I'm not gay, dude.

Rich, hi.

Hello, hi, hey. Hi.

I didn't realize
there was a line... here.

Uh, no, no, that's okay.
I gotta go.

Halt! I mean, wait.

There's a... little soiree
at my house tonight.

Course that's redundant...

I don't know what
I'm talking about.

No, a party. More of a party than...
a French thing. Music, drinks, prizes.

Party.

- Sounds fun.
- It is fun, will be, in the future.

And goddamn it,
you're invited, officially.

Wow.

Thanks.

6337 Hackberry Drive,

ZIP's 98401,
if you are Mapquesting.

Well, maybe
we could stop by.

Cool, or not,
whatever.

I mean, you come, you come.
If you don't, you don't.

You humiliated me
and insulted her.

Are you prepared to die?

Sorry.

You must be, uh,
Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Um...

Now, I'm gonna give you
ten seconds to convince me

why I should let you live.

I think you mean "persuade",
not "convince".

Is there a problem here?

No, ma'am.

My hand,
it just slipped.

You know, I can't allow you
to kill him on school property?

Yes, ma'am.

Baby. Not nice.

- You okay?
- Great, yeah.

Okay. You know, on the bright side,
Beth Cooper talked to you.

- Whoo!
- Let's go!

- School's out! We did it!
We did it! Party!

Ooh. That can't be good.

Losers!

All right,
keep in touch.

So, look, I... I'm not gay,
you know, so... Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

No, I mean, it's... cool
if you are, too, really.

Oh, really, I'm not.
No soy homo.

All right.
That's awesome.

What makes you
think I'm gay?

I don't know... Everybody
thinks you're gay, Rich.

Well, they don't know me.
You know me.

What makes you
think I'm gay?

Okay, I got an idea.

I'm Robin Hood.
You're Friar Tuck.

We get your dad's camcorder and
we do a shot-for-shot re-creation

of their climactic
sword fight...

using our boners. Ha.

Nothing... in particular,
I guess.

Well, I mean, is it
because of Drama Club?

Because, you know, a lot of
professional actors aren't gay.

More than half.

Okay. Rich, it's just that all through
high school and even before, you...

you never really
had a girlfriend.

- Neither did you.
- I tried.

Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Patty Keck?

- Her, yes.
- Your secret shame.

My point is... I had one.

You know, just so you know,
making out with a girl like that...

I'm not sure
that's not gay.

What is this? Give me it.
Let go of it. I wanna see.

- No.
- Wow.

Whatever.

- That's awesome. IPod.
- It's silly.

No, that's really nice.
That's great.

Yeah, my mom and dad
gave it...

Dude, you know what
I got for graduation?

- No.
- A bill.

Yeah, my dad says I owe
him. uh, 233,850 bucks.

A quarter of
a million dollars?

And then they expect you
to buy your own shoes.

Yeah. Well, no, that includes 50 grand
for "wear and tear" on my mother.

She is pretty worn and torn,
you know.

Yeah.

Well, in any case, I'm... sorry
your dad's such a dick.

And it wa... it was completely
itemized, very detailed.

Who knew he was
paying attention?

- Day-oh.
- Hey.

- Check out the new, uh, kicks.
- Oh, cool.

Two paychecks. Very, uh, Gene Kelly,
circa 1945, don't you think?

- Yeah. They're nice.
- Dude.

Don't be so nervous.
She's not gonna come.

I'm not nervous, I'm particular.
There's a difference.

You know
they can smell fear.

- No, they can't.
- I can smell it.

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

- Fear.
- Mm.

You know, puberty has done
nothing but screw me.

Dude, what are you doing?

I'm airing out
my shirt.

- What?
- Come on.

I don't want
a stinky shirt.

Dude.

Why are you laughing?
This is how you do this.

Hey. Mom, dad.

Well, it looks like this
party's well underway.

Hola, Mrs. C.

Rich, don't call me Mrs. C,
I mean it.

Now get off the counter.
Oh.

Denis Petey Cooverman,
look at you.

You look so cute.

Super cute.

She doesn't mean that.

You look good.
You look cool.

Yeah.

You just might wanna lower the
waist of those pants a little bit.

Oh, you're not wearing
those awful underpants.

Mom! Ah, God.

I gotta go along
with your mom

on the lucky underpants, buddy.
I mean, what if you do get lucky?

Once she gets to the underpants,
they're a deal breaker.

They are not
nice underpants.

He is not wearing those ratty things,
and he's not getting lucky.

Not on my watch.

So, how many people are you
expecting at this shin-dizzle?

- Oh, not too many.
- None.

Well, it wouldn't be a celebration
without... champagne.

- Oh.
- Oh, ho, ho. That is negligent.

Uh, my dad used to give me
an occasional beer

but that was just
to get me to take a nap.

Well, one glass per guest.
And no one who drinks drives.

And I know exactly how many
bottles are in the wine rack: 23.

Here's all of our numbers.
If an...

If anybody's dead or on fire,
call 911 first.

What's the matter?
Bad advice?

I have to get my purse.
I'll meet you out front.

- Honey, have fun.
- Okay.

Not too much fun.

Not much danger
of that, Mrs. C.

- Bye, mom!
- Bye, honey.

Denis,
let me talk to you.

Okay, look. This is your
last summer before college.

That accelerated
medical program

isn't gonna leave too much time
for toga parties,

so I want you to enjoy
this summer.

Okay, yeah, sure, no,
I'll try.

Get out there!

Do all those teen things you
haven't had a chance to do.

That's gonna be hard.
He hasn't done any of them.

You know, this whole teenager
coming-of-age thing, I mean, it's a...

relatively new construct.

They came up with it
in the fifties, so...

It's okay just
to have fun sometimes.

Sometimes you just have to say,
"What the F".

Curtis Armstrong, "Risky Business",
1983, Paul Brickman.

Except he didn't say "F,"
he said... "Fuck."

You know what I mean.
Carpe diem.

Ohh, I didn't know you were
such a movie buff, Mr. C.

Robin Williams in
"Dead Poets' Society".

Yes, thank you. Thank you,
Rich. We know. It's good.

Come here, please.

There are condoms
in my bedside table.

Do you, like, know exactly
how many there are?

They are not... toys.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

I think my dad
wants us to have sex.

- With each other?
- No.

Right.

She should really be
here by now.

So your parents
use condoms?

Not a topic for discussion.
Ever.

Okay. No, it's okay.
I won't.

I just, yeah, I mean, what,
do you think they're lubed? Or...

Incoming!

Go, go, go!

It's the trinity.

Chicas!

So where's our boy
in uniform?

He's on our shit list.

One of his army buddies was
getting all date-rapey with Treece.

- Oh.
- Oh.

So, where's the party?

Uh, this is it.
Here, this... location.

Welcome.

Come on in.

Warning, roof may be blown off
due to excessive partying.

Well, go ahead,
princess.

Come on up. Yeah.

Watch your step.

Now entering
the party pod, captain.

Um...

Are we
the first ones here?

Yeah,
we are never first.

I've never been
in this house before.

La fiesta es this way,
mi bonita.

Por favor, sweet and salty
comidas for your comesting.

Everything's organic.
Uh, the pretzels are fat free.

Are you calling me fat?

What?

No. Not... No.

Hey, come on, you, fat? Why would...
why would he say that? He's not retarded.

My brother's retarded.

That's... That was...
That's cold.

You probably don't even
have a brother.

No, he, uh... He died.

Yeah, that was really...
You got me, that was...

I'm so sorry.

It was a long time ago,
but thanks.

Yeah.

What do you want,
Kevin?

I need beer.

Yeah, you do. Uh...

Donde esta la beer,
Coovemaster?

My dad doesn't drink beer.

We have champagne.

Ooh. Okay.

Champagne.
Bubbly goodness. Uh...

This is, uh, Cristal. It's, uh,
it's the drink of the... pimps.

- The pimps?
- Mm-hm.

What do you know
about pimps?

Nothing, really.

Mm. Cristal seems to have
changed its logo and spelling.

Champagne makes me
do... things.

Girl, water makes you
do things.

Not regular water.

Oh, yeah, okay. I, uhh...

Classic.

I told you.

No, I don't.

No!
No, you can't come here.

Yeah, well...

Maybe.

I'm busy
right now, Kevin.

I want some of that.

No, I will not tell you
where I am or who I'm with

but I will tell you this, Kevin.
I'm drinking champagne.

Yep. And it is coming right...

Aah! Oh. God. Oh.

It's okay. Oh.

- Oh, nothing.
- Yeah.

I'll get this off here.

Would you hurry up?

Yeah, I'm sorry.
It's just...

The internal pressure is...
90 pounds per square inch,

so I don't really know
what the problem...

Don't you dare GPS me.
Oh, please.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm great.

I need ice!

Okay, let's see.

Frozen peas.

Really? Okay.

And... frozen peas.

Frozen peas. Frozen peas.

Anything cold.

Okay, here.
Something cold.

Here, come here.

Okay, here we go.

I'm sorry
I'm... so pathetic.

Let me
tell you something.

All boys are pathetic.

Well, then I apologize
on behalf of all boys.

And... sorry
for all the wars and stuff.

You're funny.

How does that feel?

Pretty good, I guess.

Did you hurt
your back?

Oh.

Yeah, I hurt my back.

Ah. Ooh!

Party balloons.

- Those aren't party balloons.
- I know what they are.

So, is this what you
had planned for tonight?

No, those are my dad's.

Your dad's not hiding in
the closet or something?

Oh, I hate that.

This was fun.

No, come on. Stick around.
Okay, no, you can't go.

No, wait, wait, wait.

I mean, we still got
wine to drink. 23 bottles.

Oh, wine reminds me
of Jesus.

You know what, Denis,
we really do have to go.

This was
a great party, though.

Oh, shit, Kevin.

He triangulated
your cell phone.

We're gonna need
more waffles.

Sean, you naughty boy.

No, no, no, no.

- Nobody move.
- Why?

Because he is
going to kill me.

The most he's gonna do
is beat you up a little.

Lisbee! Lisbee,
open this door!

The windows!
Secure the windows!

Get out here!

Is he always like this?

This is new behavior,
but not surprising.

He's kinda cute.

Kinda.

Oh, my God.

Don't be afraid,
I can handle this.

I wasn't afraid.

Why would you think
I was afraid?

Congratulations,
you found me.

Interesting situation
we have here.

Have you been doing coke?

Not now, Lisbee.

He's coked up?

That is not one
of the good drugs.

Hey! Aunt Brenda
gave us that!

Prepare to die.

Okay, okay, that's,uh, Mandy Patinkin in
"The Princess Bride", Rob Reiner, 1987.

Also the same line
was used by Emperor Zurg...

Oh, my God!

Stop it! Stop!

Now, this is willful damage
to property!

That's a legal term!

Go!

Kevin, stop!

Hey, hey, hey.

No, Denis! Have you ever seen
any of the "Friday The 13ths"?

You run upstairs,
you die!

A weapon,
we need a weapon.

Oh, my God.
Find weapons. Aah!

Denis!

I know
what you're thinking.

And, yes, this is
a polycarbonate blade.

I took some workshops
at the Star Wars convention.

Dr. McCoy.

That used to be a person,
so you show some respect!

Rich, I need your help.
Come out of the closet!

Uh, uh, okay.

Go, get out of here!

Go!

- Weird.
- Rich?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Denis?

Over here, over here.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm coming.
I'm-I'm fine.

Rich, what are you doing?

I think I've made
a terrible decision.

At which point did you think
that was a good decision?

Yeah, no, no, no, I d...

Rich!

Denis...

Are you okay?

I'm paralyzed.
I'm a paralyzed virgin.

You'll be okay.

Quadriplegics can have sex.

I saw a documentary about it
once on public television.

- Hey, let go of me.
- Come on.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Sean, Dustin, come on!

Go, go, go!

They're like cyborgs.

Denis?

Rich! Rich! Rich!

Why did you do that?
I thought you were smart.

I was smart.

Oh... my... God.
Get him in the car.

Come on.
Are you okay?

Oh, my gosh.

Wait. Rich.

Lisbee! Stop the car.

Hey! Come back here!

Call me
when you're sober!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, no, I'm fi...

No blood.

Beth, uh... we got away, so
you can stop escaping now

if you want to.

She always drives
like this.

I was in
Driver's Ed with her.

Girl, you could slow down.

Yeah. We're gonna try
to, uh, watch the cones.

We're gonna watch
the road.

Oh! I... Oh.

Not good,
not good. Oh!

I'm gonna need you
to pull over.

Oh, shit!

Great, you just killed
everybody in the car.

I'm, like, the least notable
person in this car.

When we all die, I'll be
referred to as, uh, fifth student.

So, Beth, uh...

I just wanna say thanks
for... rescuing me,

back there, after
you hit me with your car.

That was pretty cool.

No, you ran into my car.

I'm not rescuing you.

Kevin is heavily
medicated right now.

Cocaine, speed, roid rage,
and he can't have another incident.

He'll get court-martialed
for sure.

Sure, yeah.

Do you remember the specifics
of his last incident?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

Stupid drivers.

Could I borrow your cell phone?
I... I left mine back at the house.

Thank you very much.
I'll just...

- Honey. Honey, you're vibrating.
- You bet I am.

No, honey, honey,
it could be Denis.

I don't recognize the number.
Do you?

- Sorry.
- No.

Must be a telemarketer.

Oh, Mr. Cooverman.

Hey, mom, dad, it...

- Hi, Mrs. C.
- Hi, Mrs. C!

Yeah, that was just,
uh, Rich

and, uh, we're okay.

And I can explain
the kitchen later.

If you need to reach me,
you can reach me at...

Beth, I'm sorry, can I get
your cell phone number?

Shit, my phone!

Kevin's probably tracking it.

- Aah.
- GPS that, asshole!

Asshole.

Cool.

I rebuke you
in the name of Jesus.

Ugh. Radio sucks.

Actually, uh, why don't you
tune that to 87.1?

Cooked up a little commencement
mix, that I think all of you will enjoy.

DJ C's slamming graduation.
What?

Ever.

Yeah.

I love this song. Who wouldn't
want to blow up their school?

Crack him like a walnut.

Hello.

Sorry.

Let's get some beer.

So, uh, I think I was knocked
out back there momentarily

cause... I definitely wasn't, uh,
you know, looking or anything.

- Yuck.
- What?

Maybe we should get you some
Band-Aids or cream or something.

Oh, no. No, no, no,
I'm... I'm...

Wow, your eyes aren't blue.

My eyes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's
like some green in there and then...

on the pupil, there's like a hazel
starburst sort of thing going on.

Uh, my grandma used to call
'em a... real dog's breakfast.

Lucky dog.

Uh, so, what kind
of beer do you like?

Oh, what kind? All kinds.

I'm a... maniac
for the brewdog.

Chips, chips, chips.

- Got it?
- Yep, I got it.

Suzy Q's, yum.

My mom says yum.

Yum.

Not like that, that's...

- Got it?
- Yep, good.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Really good.

There you go.

What's... with
your boyfriend?

Oh, he's my
little brother.

What happened
to his face?

Dad beats 'im.

Sorry I asked.

Ooh, uh...

I'm gonna need
to see some ID.

Of course.

Here you go.

Wow. You've lost weight,
Patricia.

You certainly
don't look 37.

Well, thank you.

So that's 15.42,
without... the beer.

Come on.
It's graduation night.

Oh, well,
congradulations.

Sam.

You seem
like a cool guy, Sam.

Come on. Be cool.

Look, I could lose
my shitty job.

How about I kiss you so hard,
every time you think about it...

you'll have to change
your underwear?

- We got beer.
- Whoo!

So that was weird, what
you did, in there, to him.

What happened?

I sucked his face for
like two seconds.

Sucked his face?

Purell me.

Wow.

That was a big sacrifice.

I couldn't have done it. I mean,
before drinking the beer.

I'd do two seconds.

What? It isn't gay.
It isn't gay.

It isn't gay.
It's not gay.

It's within the
three-second rule.

That's for food
dropped on the floor.

Yeah, uh, whatever.

She's not Beth Cooper.

Indians.

It's Jack Nicholson, "Easy Rider",
1969, directed by Dennis Hopper...

Something is really
wrong with you.

Yeah.

To old D.H. Lawrence.

Hey.

Sorry.

Are you okay? I'm... sorry.

Is that your tooth?

It was deciduous.

You still have
baby teeth?

Only three.

Now... two.

- I have two.
- For your pillow.

Thank you.

How did that get on there?
I don't... I didn't even put...

Rich, did you
put this on?

Leave it.

I have to pee.

Me too.

Ah, me... Me trice.

You know, I was
named after this song.

You were named
after a Kiss song?

Yes.

My parents were...
headbangers.

- Whoa.
- Still kinda are.

Beth Cooper's parents.
Taking in a Kiss show.

Oh, man.
That is so... cool.

It's cool.

You got headbanger parents.
That's... that's awesome.

Hm.

Why are we walking?

When I get my own car, I am
never walking anywhere again.

My dad was gonna
give me his old car

but... then my stepmom bitch
Tricia crashed hers.

Well, that's what you get
for splitting your parents up.

Mean, mean!

Never admit your
innermost fears to Cammy.

Oh, my God.

- What?
- Cows.

Let's tip one.

What, isn't that like
an urban legend?

Why don't you go
find out?

Me?
It was your idea.

You're the guy.

More or less.

Go, go, go.

- Okay, that's really nice. Okay.
- Ew. Ew. Ew.

Okay.

Shh. Could you just... Shh.

This is the one.
Go. Shut up.

- Hey, okay.
- Ew. Okay.

Whoa whoa. What's that
kinda...? That's like a noise.

It's a moo, okay?
Push it.

- Where?
- In the middle.

Okay, push.

Oh, shit.

Do not laugh.

So, what are
you thinking?

Nothing.

So, what are you
doing after graduation?

I was gonna...

They got, um, this, like, pre-med
med-school thing at Stanford and...

Good luck with that.

So, what are your plans?

I don't know. Maybe... go to
old Harpers Community College.

Harpers.

Yeah, no, cool.

They, um, got a lot of
good credit courses.

Maybe.
If I can afford it.

So I'm not
Beth Cooper, huh?

You heard that?

Look, what I only meant was,
you didn't... seem like...

The Beth Cooper
over your bed?

Right. Her.

She would never hook up
with some loser for a 12-pack.

No, she wouldn't.
And you...

You don't have to.

You're better than that.

That's it. I'm done.

I'm going back.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye, cow!

What's that sound?

- Cows.
- Aah!

Stampede!

What the hell was that?

Uh, sounded like a cow.

No, that was no...
standard cow.

Denis Cooverman.
Are you afraid of cows?

Vaccaphobic?
Course not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the hell?
What happened?

God, it's so funny!

A cow bit me!

No, cows can't bite.

Well, this one
sure as shit could.

No, no, no, no,
cows don't bite.

We all know that they
lack upper incisors.

You're useful.

What is that smell?

He pooped his shoes.

- Lose the shoes.
- I paid for these shoes.

Uh, you're not getting in
my car with those shoes on.

They go with you
in them or not.

You pooped your shoes.

Lights out.

To the future!
Whoo!

Turn the headlights on now!
Please, please, please!

Okay!

There, you happy?

Car!

Sorry, I was unaware
I was emitting that.

- Mr. And Mrs. C?
- Who?

My... mom and dad.

Could be worse.
Could not be your mom.

Well, thank you all
for a lovely evening, but...

now I must die.

You do not wanna talk to your dad
when he has his pants down.

Yeah.

Goddamn kids!

Jeez!

Sorry!

Thank you.

Shit my panties.

This is Valli Wooley's house.
We-we can't go in here.

Why? Because you called her
a stuck-up bitch

in front of the
whole school?

Don't worry about Valli,

she's usually upstairs
with a guy by now.

Yeah. If she gives you shit,
go for her throat.

She'll be protecting
her nose.

Her nose is a
graduation present.

Bitch.

Hi!

- Ew. Don't say hi to her.
- Ew.

Drinks by the pool!

Hey, what is that?
It's nice. Is it salmon-colored?

Sorry.

Your party was better.

What?

I'm gonna go
find a bathroom.

Okay.

Don't move.

All right, yes,
fine, all right.

Oh, Greg.

Well, if anybody's
gonna kill me tonight...

it should be you,
you deserve it.

You've earned it.

How did you know?

How did you?

Did I do that?

This? No, it's not
one of yours.

It was an accident.

You know, sometimes,
I don't even remember doing it.

I just black out.

I'd have that
looked at, Greg.

Yeah.

Maybe I could call you sometime?
We could talk about it?

Sure.

Maybe a trained professional
would be better.

I don't know, I'm just...
thinking aloud here.

But can I get a hug?
I mean, hugs are good.

You do what
you need to do, Greg.

All right.

Thanks, Denis.
Thanks a lot. Thanks.

Rich!

- Le Coove! Here.
- Thank you.

Check it out.
Coach Raupp.

Pedophilia.

It's always
the gym teachers.

You know they call us
Dick Munch and the Penis?

Yeah.

You know, I mean,
like, together,

like we're like
the gaynamic duo or something.

- Where's Beth?
- Wherever.

I told you that speech
was a good idea.

What are you
talking about?

What about what's happened tonight
could possibly be construed as good?

Closure, dude. If you didn't
give that speech

you'd never know what a
scary wack job Beth Cooper was.

You know, no other girl would ever
live up to her... mythic proportions.

She's not a scary wack job.
She's not a wack job.

Dude, don't backpedal,
you know. Onwards!

Vamonos!

Your new hopeless obsession
might be at this very party.

Denny!

Oh, secret shame.

This is so great.

I didn't expect
to see you here.

Patty.

I loved your speech. You said
some very perceptive things.

Richard,
do you know Victoria?

Certainamente.
You, uh, lost weight, Tori.

You're not... wearing shoes.

Nobody wears shoes anymore.

Denny, what happened
to your poor face?

Greg Saloga beat you up,
I bet.

Or Valli Wooley, she paid
someone to beat you up?

No, no, no, the, uh, the Coove had a little
dust-up with Beth Cooper's boyfriend.

- Beth Cooper?
- Yeah, ex... ex-boyfriend actually.

Army, dark ops, couldn't stand the
idea of the Coove here and, uh, Beth,

so, uh, it went to blows.

I mean, you think this is bad,
you should see the other guy.

Yeah, I mean,
I feel bad for 'im.

He's in the hospital,
all beaten up and shit.

I mean, to tell you the truth,
I just hope he's okay.

Me too.

Actually, he's upstairs.

Um, whoa, uh...

Right, look at
the time here.

My, uh, female fiancee's getting off
her shift at... Hooters, so...

Wow, you know, but this has been
a pleasure, ladies, so...

Good luck!
It was nice seeing you!

Bye!

Sorry.

- Hey! Where are you guys going?
- We gotta get out of here.

Asshole!

What are you doing here?

Don't.

So we meet again.

Really? Ernst Blofeld in just
like every Bond movie. Oh, okay.

Kevin, just stop.

Get out of here.

And get yourself tested
for gonorrhea.

You know, why don't you get
that tight, pretty little butt o' yours

in my vehicle, all right?

Move out!

Are you okay?

Stay here.

Clear out!

I am not
your plaything!

No, no, no, come on!
Come on, people!

Are you just gonna
let him murder me?

Wait!

I am not worthless,
okay?

Look at this party.
Look at all my friends.

Cause brain damage.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

Thank God, coach Raupp.

Ladies.

Some ground rules.

- You're not gonna stop it?
- Look, all I want is a fair fight.

Fair fight? Look at his arms,
they're like... redwoods.

Yeah. Aren't they great?

Okay. Pretty simple.

No biting, no scratching,
no hair-pulling.

None of that
sissy stuff, okay?

- Headbutt?
- Definitely.

And remember, once your
opponent loses consciousness...

the beating is over.

Okay?

And...

fight!

Cooverman, Bison pride.

No, I'm not
gonna fight him.

Don't be such a pussy, pussy.
Come on.

Look, Kevin,
you've won, okay?

You got the girl,

you've... humiliated me
in front of all my peers.

I apologize and surrender
unconditionally.

Denis.

Denny, your face.

Wow. Ha, ha. Oh, man!
That was great.

Are you okay?

Get up!

- You can take him.
- No, no.

You can do this.

Get up! Come on.

Hey!

Leave my friend alone!

Let's get 'im.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Timeout, Salo...

That all you got,
son, huh?

Now, Denis,
where were we?

Denis Cooverman.

Come on.

Where do you
think you're going?

Okay, time to get
in the car! Get in the car.

Denis!

Watch it!

Do you know how many laws
you just broke?

Grand theft auto,
criminal destruction of property,

assault with a deadly weapon,
aggravated battery,

leaving the scene of an accident,
speeding, and now failure to stop!

- That's-that's seven, at least!
- That's a new record!

I don't think that's
a record.

I think
you should pull over.

- Pull over, Beth.
- Ha.

Hey, how about this?
How about:

"Thank you. Thank you, Beth,
for saving my life... again?"

Saving my life?
Saving my...?

You're the one who almost ran
over me with a military vehicle

owned by some homicidal
rage ape you call a boyfriend,

who's been trying
to kill me all night!

You're spitting your blood
at me! Pbbt.

You're supposed to keep
your bodily fluids to yourself.

You know what?
This is not fun anymore.

Who said it's supposed
to be fun?

Everybody out.

Uh-uh. No. No, no, no.
What are we doing here?

I have a key to the school.

You have a key
to the school.

Head cheerleader is a position
of trust and responsibility.

Fools.

Come on, Denis. This is the least
illegal thing we've done all night.

Sit. You'll enjoy it.

- Ready, girls?
- Yes.

Five, six, seven, eight!

Are you ready?
Ready for the best

B-G, number one
Oh, yeah, nothing less

Five, six, seven, eight!

We're going to the top
We can't be stopped

Come on, girls
Yell yellow!

Yellow.

Yell blue!

Blue!

Mighty Bisons
Oh, yeah, let's fight

Ready and slow it down.

Can you feel it? What?
Can you feel the heat?

Yellow and blue
Oh, yeah, how sweet

Ready and last time

With spirit and spark
We steal the show

Mighty Bisons, kiss, kiss
Gotta go!

Yeah!

Let's hit the showers.

- Showers! Showers!
- Yay!

- Let's go! Come on, hurry!
- Showers!

- They're hitting the showers.
- Yeah.

Come on!

I... I... I'd love to.
I just, um...

- I don't think we were invited.
- Uhh, I'm pretty sure we were.

You know, Rich...

you don't have
to prove anything.

Oy, chiquita!

Some woman.

Oh, yeah.

I said yes, immediately.
I was like...

- Sorry.
- Denis.

Don't be shy.

God.

Oh.

Hey, space boy.
Come get wet.

That invitation
good enough for you?

I just don't think
we should be, uh...

Stop! Stop thinking
with your brain, dude.

- I don't wanna... ruin anything.
- There's nothing left to ruin!

You know,
except maybe this.

And this, my friend,
is a rare occasion.

And chances like this
don't come along every day.

In fact,
they never come along.

This does not happen!

Are you guys coming?

"Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys.
Make your lives extraordinary."

Robin Williams,
and... your dad.

I'm just trying to make it
through the night... alive, okay?

You're not alive
unless you're livin'.

Who said that?

I think I did.

"Here's Johnny!"

Carpe diem.

Beth.

Gotta tell you, uh,
you're in for a treat.

Been reading a few
of my mom's ladies' magazines

and they've got a couple secrets
on... how to ultimately pleasure you.

- How did you find us?!
- LoJack, dipshit.

Man of war!

Taste my wet blade.

- Come on! Get your stuff!
- Go!

- Are you sure?
- I can handle these three.

I've been preparing for this
all my life.

Help! Help!

Come on,
let's get out of here.

Never again.

Yes!

- Come on, hurry up, hurry up!
- I'm trying, stop moving!

What happened
to your pants?

Your boyfriend has them.

Okay, we gotta go, come on.
Get your stuff!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on!

Aw, how sweet.
Kevin brought back my car.

Come on!

Hey, what about Rich?

Yah! Is that
all you've got?

Oh. Oh, one more?

Ha, ha, ha. Classic.

- Guys!
- Rich!

Rich, I got your clothes.
Hurry up.

- Yah!
- Come on, come on, come on!

Okay, go, go.

Goddamn truck drivers.

Where are we going?

We can go to
my dad's cabin.

I can go there anytime I want as
long as I don't tell mom where it is.

You know what, I just, um...
I wanna go home.

You know, you're the one
who started this.

Me?

Uh, yeah, you.

You're the geek who got
in front of the entire school,

and our friends and family

and declared your love for someone
you don't know a thing about.

He knows a lot about you.
Quiz 'im.

He knows your locker combo.
He knows your favorite antiperspirant.

Uh, he knows
your blood type.

Okay, I hate to remind you this,
Beth, but, uh, you said it was sweet.

You did. Oh, my God,
and you... came to my house.

If you didn't think
it was sweet,

why... why would you
come to my house?

What do you think,
super genius?

We thought
it would be funny.

Oh. Okay.

- Are you just gonna keep bleeding?
- Yeah, for about three days.

Just put your head back.

- Oh, now it's dripping down my throat.
- Here.

Stick these up there.
They're super absorbent.

Listen, about
what Cammy said before.

She thought
it would be funny.

I mean, we all thought
it would be a fun thing to do.

Guess I did think
it would be a little funny.

I'm sorry.

Guys tell me they love me
all the time.

And it's usually because
they want something.

Well, it was kinda funny,
right?

Ha, ha, ha.

- Please, take those out now.
- Your wish.

Can I say
something personal?

Uh, sure.

You smell like
a dead homeless guy.

Yeah, it's probably my shirt.
There's hummus.

Take it off.

Oh, no, I can...
leave it on, it's fine.

I'm not gonna molest you.
Take it off.

Take it off,
take it off.

Let me just
air it out a little.

Oh. Shit!

Sorry.

Okay, it was somewhere
around here. You can stop.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

Really? Dude.

I think those are
his lucky underpants.

Give me my poncho.

- Give me my poncho.
- Oh, my God.

- What are you doing?
- You're so mean.

What?

Actually, I got these
as a gag gift,

so it's appropriate
that you're laughing.

No, it's good, I mean,
I'm happy that you're...

You guys got the joke!
Good one.

- Get in here.
- Oh, no, purple's not really my... color.

It's fuchsia and it's
my favorite color. Sorry.

- That's fine.
- Okay.

There we go.
All better.

- How do I... look? Good?
- Great.

That pink poncho's
sort of cute.

What?

Goddamn Kevin.

Because of you I am in the middle
of nowhere looking for a shirt.

Oh, yeah, no,
goddamn that Kevin.

Why do you even go out
with him, anyway?

In the beginning, he was sweet.
He made me laugh.

- And when he smiled...
- He was really hot.

I don't know.

Guess it was.. the way other girls
looked at me when I was with 'im.

I felt proud.

Thought I was the lucky girl
this big, strong army guy chose.

It didn't bother you
that he was kind of a...?

An asshole?

Yeah.

I just made excuses
for 'im because...

it was nice
to feel wanted.

See, I don't get that

cause there are... so many guys
who would love to be with you.

Yeah. For a night, maybe.

- So why did you do it?
- The speech?

I don't know.

It's just...

You're the
head cheerleader

and... I'm the captain
of the debate team.

And I know it's ridiculous to think
that you and me would even...

I guess I just wanted
to talk to you.

I never did,
and then I realized...

that was my last chance,
you know?

Well, I'm glad you did.

Look! Your shirt.

Oh, uh, um...

Oh.

Aw.

- Hi! Oh, you're so cute!
- Hi, little fella.

- Hey, no. No, that's not... that's not food.
- Hi, cutie!

That's my shirt.
Okay, so just, uh...

He looked at me!

He looked right at me!
He's gonna eat me!

Whoo! Party!

Smells like death
in here.

Oh, my dad just bought all this stuff.
He's never killed anything.

They are kinda cute, huh?

Dude,
you look ridiculous.

Well, what am I supposed
to do? I don't...

Treece, darling,

would you get this lovely
lady something to wear?

Uh, yeah,
try the bedroom.

Okay,
who wants a drink?

- I do, please.
- I want one.

Vodka!

Okay, a toast.

You know what's weird?
I didn't give this to him.

Anyway, to the world's
greatest night.

- Yeah.
- Whoo!

- Wow.
- Look, it's almost morning.

Does anyone wanna come
watch the sunrise with me?

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey, can I ask
you something?

What?

It's about your brother.

What about 'im?

What was his name?

Uh, David.

What was he like?

He was already sick
when I was born.

Died when I was 2.
He was 12.

I don't remember him
at all.

There's this picture of me
visiting him at the hospital

and it's... like he's
just some sick kid.

It's the big, dramatic tragedy
of my life, and I wasn't even there.

Yeah, but...
you were there.

I mean, maybe
you don't remember

but... I'll bet
it meant a lot to him.

Thank you.
That was very sweet.

"Say hello to
my little friend!"

Wow.

What?

"Scarface". Pacino,
'82, De Palma...

Look.

"Fill your hands,
you son of a bitch!"

What?

It's John Wayne.
It's John Wayne, 1969, "True Grit".

Oh, my God!
I peed, I peed, I peed!

No, it's not...
It's not that funny.

No, it is, because you...

Why, because
you think I'm gay?

You think incorrectly.

The lady doth protest
too much, methinks.

What?

Like you know Shakespeare.

Queen Gertrude to
Hamlet, Act III, Scene 2,

1602, William Shakespeare,
or possibly Edward de Vere.

Wow.

That's... Wow.

Yeah.

Wow, look at the sun.

It's so big and pretty.

Well, that's
an optical illusion.

There are certain things
that appear larger

in context to the objects
around them.

You know everything,
Denis Cooverman.

No, no, not everything.
There are some things I don't know.

Multiple things.

Well, I'll tell you one thing
you know nothing about.

When a girl says the
sunrise is big and pretty,

you know
what you say?

Not what I said,
presumably?

You don't say anything.

You just put your arm
around her.

You know, just something
for future reference.

For future reference.
I'll... remember that.

If you're not gay, why so
unchubby in the shower?

Heh, heh, I...
I was just being cool.

It was... uncool
of you to notice.

No 18-year-old boy
is that cool.

I... I am that cool.

Nobody cares
if you're gay.

I'm not.

Nobody cares, so
just be gay already!

You, Richard Munsch,
have never been with a woman.

Never been with one.

Wha...?

Um...

Watch...

and learn.

That's nice,
it's nice. Yeah.

- You cool?
- Uh...

Long as, uh,
everyone else is cool.

Hey, there is
my chest hair.

Yeah, I'm liking that.
I am, uh...

Yeah, definitely reacted
to that.

Uh...

Hey, uh, this is, wow, great,
you know, really top-notch,

but I-I... I left my... latex sheaths
back at the house, so...

That's okay.

Treece's got some,
don't you, Treece?

I've got gobs.

Gobs?

Well, that was expedient.

But at least we know
you're not gay.

- Yeah, tell that to my dad.
- What's his number?

So do you
still love me?

Yeah.

Am I everything you've
ever masturbated to?

No, it's not like that
with you.

I mean, you're different
than I imagined.

You're... real.

And scary.

And exciting and fun.

But I thought you said
this wasn't fun.

All my memories from
high school are from tonight.

You gotta
get out more often.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Where-where are you
going to college?

NYU.

- What are you majoring in?
- Acting.

- Shut up.
- Mm-hm.

- Shut up!
- Yeah.

- Me too.
- Really?

- Yeah, and directing.
- Wow.

If you wanna be an actress,
why weren't you in Drama Club?

- Social survival.
- Good call.

Mm-hm.

So who is your, uh,
your favorite director?

Hello,
it was a threesome.

Wow.

I know high school
wasn't great for you.

No, it was, uh...

completely awful.

You see, the thing is,
high school was great for me.

I had a great, great ride.

And now it's over.

You, you're gonna go off
and become a doctor

and cure cancer or whatever
new diseases there are.

But this?

This is about it for me.

Everything in my life from here
on out is just gonna be...

ordinary.

Wow.

That's a... such...

bullshit.

Because the Beth Cooper
I know,

the one that I now know,

is the most alive person...
I've ever met.

The Beth Cooper
I know

she's not... gonna have
an ordinary life.

She's gonna have
an amazing life.

Slightly insane

but... never uninteresting...

always ass-kicking...

life.

How do you know that?

Because I'm
a very smart guy.

All r
ght,
thank you very much.

Any luck?

No, no, they can't send
anyone out till next week.

Explain this to me:

How do you put a
microwave into the wall?

God only knows.

Oh, hi. I need to get
my kitchen repaired.

Haven't I seen
that car before?

Oh!

Denis!
What happened to you?

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I can't talk about this.
I'm gonna go make pancakes.

Or did she already
make you breakfast?

Wow.

- I talked to your dad, Rich.
- Yeah?

You might wanna hang out
here for the rest of the day.

- Okay.
- And tomorrow.

- Okay.
- You know, just until... it's safe.

Got it. Thanks.

- I hope you had fun.
- I did.

You know we have to
punish you, somehow?

Yeah. Figured that.

What do they do these days?
Do they still ground you?

- I don't even know.
- I don't know either.

But, uh...

whatever it is...
it was worth it.

Let's not tell
your mother that.

Yeah.

- We can discuss it inside.
- Okay.

So...

Good luck with, uh, Stanford
and everything.

Yeah. You...
you too, with... everything.

We should do this again
sometime.

Sure.

Yeah, sure.

You know, you're
getting better at that.

I was bad before?

Thank you...

for loving me.

What's not to love?

You remember that.

Hey, Beth.

- See you at the reunion.
- Yes.

If we're both still single,
I'll marry you.

That's a promise.

My lady.

Drive safe.

- So, guess what?
- Hm?

I think I'm gay.

Yeah?

Oh, that's great,
congratulations!

Dude.
I'm not... gay for you.

Yeah, no, I know.

- You know, I-I could be bi.
- Bi?

Yeah, I was with two
gorgeous ladies last night.

That's a lot more
heterosexual than you.

Well, hey, I did
kiss Beth Cooper.

Yeah, but now you gotta
take it to the next level.

I will. I'm not really
gonna wait for the reunion.

I'll leave a message on Facebook,
ask her out. I don't know.

No, it has to be
a grand gesture.

- Like what?
- You know where she lives.

Go to her house,
bring a boom box, wait for her.

That's stalking, Rich.

No, it's not stalking
if you love the person.

Go and grab her
and throw her in the car

and take her someplace
where it can be just the two o' you.

Now, that's kidnapping.

It's romantic.

Okay, first we're gonna need
some rope and duct tape.