I Love You, America (2017) - full transcript

Well, we all know
the big news yesterday:

It ain't ogre till it's ogre.

"Shrek" is getting rebooted.

But, you know, everyone's
gonna be covering that,

so let's talk
about the midterms.

Here's what Trump said.

It was a big day yesterday,

an incredible day,

and last night
the Republican Party

defied history.

Shh.
Not today, Satan.



Even breaking up
with Jeff Sessions

for the tenth time
won't distract us from this.

Because whether you're talking
"Shrek" or the midterms,

it was a big night
for donk‐ays!

I'm usually not good
at, uh, accents,

but that was pretty good.

Regardless
of your party affiliation,

we got a bunch of new faces
in the House,

and 33 of them are women.

Yeah, sure, I don't agree
with all of them,

but I don't agree with all
the women in my Lamaze class.

They don't even think
I should be there.

I'm like,
"I'm sorry I'm not pregnant."

Plus, we elected
the first openly gay governor,



two Native American
congresswomen‐‐

one of them gay‐‐

and two Muslim congresswomen‐‐

one of who will be
the first to wear a hijab.

This is a grab bag
of Republican worst nightmares.

It's like
a congressional caravan.

They could be hiding
Middle Easterners

and people with ethics
in there.

But I gotta hand it to
Wisconsin Republican cheesedick

Scott Walker.

It looks like he lost,
but he's taking it‐‐

what's the opposite of
in stride?

He retweeted this meme
from your Aunt Carol

who collects Precious Moments
figurines and breeds Corgis.

Let us be glad indeed.

And we should be glad.
Look at the big picture here.

Democrats are so defeatist,

they can't even act
like they won when they won.

They fucking won.

And even in places
where they lost,

there were huge gains.

Think of it this way, without
Bernie's presidential loss,

we wouldn't have had,
uh, all these democrats

pushing for
a livable minimum wage

or Medicare for all.

And, yes, Beto lost in Texas,

but his presence increased
Democratic turnout statewide

and flipped
two House seats blue.

Also, if we look at some
of these Republican victories,

are they really victories?

I mean,
we're talking several seats

won by indicted criminals

and racists funded by Nazis.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof may
have won a Republican seat

in the Nevada State House
this week,

but he died,

like, a month ago.

Republicans literally elected
a ghost pimp.

But winning the House
is an incremental victory.

If you wanna compare that
to something,

and stay with me here,

look at the Tea Party‐‐

minus the conspiracy theories
and lack of decency

and founding father cosplay,
faux righteousness,

and, you know,
just open racism.

They used to be
the far‐right fringe.

Then they fought,
they persevered,

and they took the House
in 2010.

And now they've become
the GOP establishment.

Let's be the left's version
of the Tea Party.

The Chai Tea Party.

In on other way
but their perseverance.

This is a win,
so let's celebrate.

This is Red Bull, by the way.

We still have
a lot of work to do.

All right,
I fucking love you guys.

Whoops.
I Beto'ed.

What a badass.
Whelp, see you in a sec.

[Psychic Friend's
"We Do Not Belong" plays]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Shave it off,
stay alive, open wide ♪

♪ Show us how to conquer first
and then divide ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Don't know if we're
stayin' long, stayin' long ♪

♪ Used to staying weak ♪

♪ And now we're
staying strong ♪

♪ We don't wanna go
where we do not belong ♪

♪ Lonely as the day is long,
day is long ♪

[cheers and applause]

What?
Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Whoa!

I just got a‐‐

got a little glimpse of myself
in the monitor.

I am looking foine!

Noice.
[scattered laughter]

Sorry.
I saw myself in the monitor.

I look really good.
[laughter]

Well, it was a crazy night
across the nation,

and no place was crazier than
the shit show that is Florida.

But while everybody
was distracted by the fact

that Andrew Gillum lost
the governor's race

to "proud boy with a job"
Ron DeSantis,

something good happened.

Florida passed an amendment

that restores voting rights
for over a million ex‐felons,

which is a really big deal

because during the midterms,
quite a few people‐‐

about 6.1 million people
nationally‐‐

could not vote
due to their criminal record.

Which got me thinking,

I have a criminal past.

I have a history
of criminal behavior.

One day when I was 20,
a friend and I were,

uh, in a car filled
with marijuana smoke.

Said smoke came
from within our lungs.

[laughter]

The next thing we knew,
we got pulled over,

but we were only
a little bit scared

because without knowing
it consciously,

in our bones,
we were aware of our privilege.

We rolled down the window and
the stench of weed

literally punched this cop
in the face.

[laughter]

He told us to find
the registration card

while he went back to his
patrol car to run our plates,

but instead,
we started to sing along

to Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car"

with coordinated dance.

And when he knocked
on the window,

we were both like, "Gah!"

We were so stoned
and so privileged,

we honestly forgot
we had even been pulled over.

And here's how the story ends:

we got off with a warning.

Nothing.
We got to keep driving.

Driving in her car.
♪ Speed so fast ♪

♪ Felt like I was drunk ♪
Sorry.

God, that is such a good song.

I wish I could sing more,
but we simply can't afford it.

This is what it is like
for white people.

It is why we like cops.

Some of us even wanted
to be them when we grew up.

At my small
New Hampshire kindergarten,

it was in the top three

of things we wanted to be
when we grew up‐‐

with firefighter
and butt doctor.

[laughter]

But we didn't know that cops
were white‐people protectors.

I didn't realize that if we had
been two young people of color,

the outcome would likely
have been very different‐‐

possibly leading to jail time,

possibly changing the course
of our lives forever.

We definitely would not have
gotten into butt doctor school.

That is for sure.
[laughter]

And here's the thing,
as a nation, we love to jail.

The United States is only 5%
of the total world population,

but we incarcerate 25%
of all the world's prisoners.

We currently have
2.3 million people in jail.

Our threshold for what
is criminal is very low.

Driving with
a suspended license, jail.

Cashing a bad check, jail.

Slug with a shell on its back,
snail.

[laughter]
That was a test.

I was testing you
to see if you were listening.

We love to jail,

and if you are
a person of color,

the chance you'll get arrested
is exponentially higher.

Everything about our justice
system is uniquely designed

to punish minorities
and poor people.

It just is.

Take, uh, you know,
minor drug charges.

Half of all federal prisoners
are in jail for drug offenses.

Half.

And even though
African Americans and whites

use drugs at similar rates,

black people are six times
more likely than white people

to go to prison for it.

If you're wondering
what just happened

to the rest of the
white potheads in that graphic,

don't worry about them.

They're at
a Dave Matthews concert.

[laughter]

♪ We are white and entitled ♪

[laughter]
That was really good.

[sighs]

Meanwhile,
good old GOP John Boehner

is now sitting on the board
of a major weed distributor.

That is right.

The old, rich Republican
who once said

he was "unalterably opposed"
to legalizing weed

is now making money
off of weed.

The same drug that
black and brown people

are still in jail for

under legislation he supported
throughout his career.

I would call it hypocrisy,
but punishing minorities

for doing the same shit
old white men make money off of

is basically the GOP platform.

It is like
if Mike Pence suddenly opened

a chain of gay bars.
[laughter]

Oh, my God, he could go in
by himself without Mother.

[laughter]

Okay, if we're talking about
our absurdly racist

and classist justice system,
we cannot leave out cash bail.

Under our current system,
almost half a million people

are waiting in jail for a trial

that could take weeks or months
or even years to begin.

They are serving time before
they've even been to trial.

Guess who isn't in jail?

People with enough money
to post bail

or hire a good lawyer.

It is not
"innocent until proven guilty."

It is
"guilty until proven not poor."

Think about that.

There are innocent people
behind bars

simply because
they can't afford bail,

and there are guilty people
walking around freely

because they can.

Half a million people in jail
are awaiting trial.

To put that in context,

Six Flags sells over 15,000
funnel cakes every single day.

[clears throat]
Okay, you know what?

That is‐‐I don't think
that's a good comparison.

I don't know why I chose that.
That‐‐that's not good.

It seemed light and fun
at the time.

I don't know.

The question we have
to ask ourselves is:

what is the purpose of prison?

Because if it is
to rehabilitate people,

we are failing miserably.

But if it's to make money
off of bodies

that we have trained ourselves
to no longer see as human,

then we're killing it.

We lock up so many people,

state prisons
can't even hold them all.

So the government
pays private prisons

to take the rest.

And private prisons are
a five billion dollar industry.

Five billion
motherfucking dollars.

And the danger of
this business being lucrative

is that incentivizes
putting people in prison

and keeping them there.

The more people they lock up,
the more they get paid.

And the private prison industry
will continue to thrive

under our
"tough on crime" president.

The prison industry and Trump
scratch each other's backs

and their mutual success

is garnered
on the backs of prisoners.

Trump promised
to reverse Obama's plan

to phase out private prisons,
and because of that,

major private prison
corporations

like GEO Group and CoreCivic

donated
massive amounts of money

to Republican PACs
to get 'em elected,

and they did.

And the very day
Trump was elected,

the stocks of those
two corporations shot up.

It is evil.
It is "other countries do this,

not us" evil.
But then you remember,

we're the "rip children away
from their mothers" country,

and it all makes sense.
[laughter]

Trump thrives on fear.

He's your protector

and everyone else
is a potential threat.

Democrats, the media,

minorities, facts.

[laughter]

He's even criminalizing
refugees.

He is turning a group
of migrants seeking asylum

into a fresh stream
of "criminals."

And guess what?

There is money
to be made there too.

The private prison company
GEO Group

has over 470 million dollars
in ICE contracts.

And if we don't treat our
own citizens well in prison,

just imagine how we will treat
undocumented immigrants.

Trump wants you to see danger,

but make no mistake,
he is seeing dollar signs.

Follow the money.

GEO Groups
top donations this year are

to the three Texas congressmen
who determine funding

for immigration detention
centers and private prisons.

As long as there is
money to be made

in keeping people behind bars,

we will find a way
to call people criminals.

In Los Angeles,
it's currently against the law

to sleep in your car.

That's our solution
to homelessness?

How is sleeping a crime?

People are
their least dangerous

when they're sleeping.
Look at this little guy.

[laughter]
Aww.

Aww, genocide is exhausting.

[laughter]

Look.
I am a criminal.

The amount of weed I smoked
before legalization

could fill a stadium,

and yet black people
and brown people

are serving long sentences

for doing what I do
every single night before bed.

I'm talking about smoking weed,
not masturbating.

Masturbation's illegal,
then put me in cuffs.

Just keep one arm free.
[laughter]

I guess that's probably
not how cuffs work.

Fuck it.
I don't even need my hands.

I'll just use
the corner of my cot.

[laughter]

Our justice system
upholds the status quo

for the white and powerful,

because in America,

sleeping while homeless
is a crime,

walking while black is a crime,

but being white and
high off your ass

in your stepfather's car
is a childhood memory.

[cheers and applause]

You know, all trilogies need
an epic conclusion.

"Return of the Jedi."
"Return of the King."

Here is part three of my
interview with President Trump,

"Return of the Dipshit."
Take a look.

[dramatic music]

Describe your perfect day.

A perfect day
is I wake up at 6:30

and I got a smooth one.

Not some wet blast
that blows me out of the toilet

for, like, a half hour,
you know?

Right, right.

TRUMP: Something
that drops quickly, okay?

Something big.
Big boom.

Like, you know, Hiroshima.
One drop, and it's done.

SARAH: Big boom‐boom.
Big boom‐boom.

I send some tweets,

and then nobody bothers me
for three hours.

Oh, and I have cake
for breakfast!

I remember hearing a story
about you

picking up Don Jr.
for a Yankees game and‐‐

Punched him
right in the face.

He showed up,
and he was in his sweats.

And I was in my suit.

And I was like,
"The hell are you doing?

"We're going
to the Yankees game.

"Joe Torre's gonna be there.

"Okay?
Oil Can Boyd

"and the guy
from 'Field of Dreams.'

You're embarrassing me."

So I punched him
right in the face,

and he went back like it was,
like that movie,

"Something About Mary,"
just funny,

just, he went back and fell.

Well, I wish I could say
it's been an honor,

but it has been
an interesting experience.

And, um, thank you for...

Sarah. So great to meet you.
SARAH: Ugh.

TRUMP: Wow, incredible.
By the way,

I got tons of upskirts
while we were talking.

I think you're abhorrent,
and you break my heart,

and I think you're a bad man
with no ideology,

and just human garbage
to the core,

and I really don't like
to think of people that way,

but I do think of you that way,

and I do believe that,
if there were hell,

which there isn't,
you would be going to hell.

It was great to talk
with you, Sarah.

SARAH: Great to talk to you.
Real pleasure.

So wonderful.
SARAH: Thank you.

There we go.
She's leaving, folks.

Unbelievable,
let me tell you that.

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

[Psychic Friend's
"We Do Not Belong" plays]

[cheers and applause]

I know Jeff Sessions is out,
but I don't want you to worry.

I'm stepping up and assembling

my very own
religious task force.

Take a look.

I'm here with representatives

of the five biggest religions
in America,

and today, we're gonna find out
once and for all, definitively,

which religion is right
through a game of horse.

Did it go in?

[upbeat dance music]

Playing for Christianity
at 5'5 1/2",

her favorite book
is probably the Bible,

from the Bel Air Church,

make it loud
for Pastor Kim Dorr!

KIM: Christianity is
all about Jesus.

We believe he died for us

so that our relationship
with God can be restored.

We believe that
we're saved by grace.

SARAH: Repping hard for Islam,
at 5'10",

the founding president
of Bayan Claremont

Islamic Graduate School,

the beast that only shoots
facing east,

Imam Jihad Turk.

God is one.

He's creative,
beautiful, loving,

and you should try
and be a good person.

SARAH:
He's here for the Hindus.

At 5'9", the senior teacher

at the Chinmaya Mission
in Los Angeles.

In another life,
he was Wilt Chamberlain.

Give it up
for Swami Ishwarananda.

SARAH: Playing for Buddhism,
coming in at 5'2".

When he's meditating,
he believes we're all one.

When he's fouled,
he gets an and‐one.

Lose your shit
for Rimban William Briones.

Buddhism is about
becoming aware of yourself,

becoming enlightened,

becoming aware
of our own ignorance.

This is what all Buddhists
aspire to.

SARAH: Representing Judaism,
standing at a height of 5'11",

his cross‐over will leave you
wandering the desert

for 40 years,
Rabbi Noah Farkas.

NOAH: Judaism is
a transformative religion

that says that your tomorrows

don't have to look like
your yesterdays.

Through a covenant with God,

we can all love
each other more.

SARAH: Playing for atheism,

coming in at 5'7", you know her

from her Hulu show
"I Love You, America" ‐‐

because you're watching it
right now, suckas‐‐

give it up for me,
Sarah Silverman.

There's probably no God.

Can't imagine there is one,

and I'm more into,
like, science and love.

All right, let's do this.

Whoever makes the shot,

the following player
has to copy it.

If you miss, you get a letter.

If you spell horse,
you are out.

Last man or probably woman
standing wins,

and we will know
once and for all...

[horse neighs]

I'm gonna go first.

You've gotta do
everything I do.

Dribble twice.

Draw a picture of Mohammed.

Kidding.
[chuckles]

And then say,
"Tom Skerritt's underrated!"

[upbeat music]

Easy‐peasy titty squeezy.

[laughter]

Tom Skerritt's underrated.

Whoa‐ho!
Tom Skerritt is underrated.

Whoo!
Shanti.

[laughs] Ooh.

ALL: Oh!
MAN: So close!

E‐mam Jihad.
Imam Jihad.

Imam Jihad?
Yeah.

What, are you from
the Midwest of the Middle East?

So this is an homage
to Jamaal Wilkes,

an old Lakers player.

♪ ♪

Oh, my God,
he missed foul shots too?

[laughs]

So there are no
happy crocodiles.

I feel like rats seem okay.

Their threshold for happiness
is so low.

Okay.

They love garbage and subways

and my apartment.

Me not going to be
a crocodile again.

[groans]
[chuckles]

You know why Buddha doesn't
vacuum under the sofa?

Why?
He has no attachments.

Yes!
SARAH: [laughs]

We're Pure Land Buddhists.

It's from Japan
almost 800 years ago,

and there are many traditions
of Buddhism,

so I can only speak
for our tradition.

Are there any kind of leaders
of that‐‐

No, that's the problem.

We don't have anyone
charismatic.

I mean, I'm free.
[laughs]

Not free, I mean available.
Yeah.

No attachment.
SARAH: [gasps]

ALL: [cheering]

Just quickly, do you believe

there's a two‐state solution
that could happen?

[all laugh]

We've actually talked
about it.

We both believe
that there should be

a home for Palestinians.

Yeah.
And a home for Jews.

You guys are friendly, right?
BOTH: Yeah.

And you do
a lot of events together?

I mean, what is
your hummus budget?

Some of you don't eat beef,
some of you don't eat pork,

but all of you are gonna
eat my shorts.

[laughter]

Can a Muslim do a Hail Mary?

ALL: Oh!

SARAH: No way.

[laughter]

SARAH: Ugh.

Terrible.

If you achieve enlightenment

during this game,
that's cheating.

Oh, jeez.
I guess not.

KIM: I was raised
in a Christian home,

but my family had no knowledge
of Jesus.

No knowledge of scripture.

When I was 30, I walked
into church not believing,

and I walked out
given the gift of faith.

I'm gonna try the layup.

SARAH: I'm obsessed
with Christianity.

I mean, I'm sexting
with a Jesuit priest right now.

Let's be honest.
I really am.

Help me, Lord, help me.

I mean, he would
maybe call it texting.

[laughter]

Where's your God now, Pastor?

Let us work out our karma.

SARAH: Oh!
There we are.

Cool!
All right.

My first time in Israel,
I was 15,

and it was the first place
in the world

where I felt normal.

Yeah, Israel is just,
like, jam‐packed with Jews.

It's like New York, only‐‐
Only less religious.

Thousands of years
of Jewish tradition,

it all comes down to my karma.

[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

Oy, I'm out!
[buzzer sounds]

We're gonna reclaim
"Allahu Akbar"

to mean something good.
God is great.

ALL: Oh!

God is great.

[grunts]
SARAH: But your shot isn't.

[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

We're down to three.

Sorry, this is
a real sausage fest.

[grunts] [laughs]

SARAH: Ooh!

Oh!

[grunts]

♪ ♪

SARAH: Oh!

ALL: Oh!

ALL: Oh!

[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

And then there were two.

Here you go.

♪ ♪

He's amazing.
SARAH: This is it.

If he misses it,
this game is over

and Hinduism is the only
true religion.

No pressure.

Pressure's on.

♪ ♪

ALL: Oh!
[buzzer sounds, horse neighs]

[uplifting piano music]

Hinduism!
Who ever thought?

Congratulations.
[heavenly choral music]

Hinduism is
the one true religion.

Or...
[music slows down]

I do have an idea.
We could do sudden death.

I take this shot,
and if I make it,

no God.

Here we go.

This is for all the marbles

in a made‐up game
that I created.

[heavenly choral music]

♪ ♪

ALL: [gasping]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

[laughs, inhales] I did it!

Yes!

There's no God!
[laughs]

No God, motherfuckers.

[Psychic Friend's
"We Do Not Belong" plays]

[cheers and applause]

[Psychic Friend's
"We Do Not Belong" plays]

We all know him
as a brilliant host,

but how is he as a guest?
Let's find out.

Please welcome my friend,
hilarious comedian,

and host of
"Real Time with Bill Maher,"

the man to my left, Bill Maher.

Hey.
[cheers and applause]

Hi.

[applause continues]

Hello, show business.

You're on my show.
Yes.

And you're gonna be
on my show Friday.

I am.
[laughs]

[sighs]
It looks a little suspicious.

I hope they both go great.
Yeah.

[laughter]

You said this is a‐‐
uh, what is it?

"Win or go home" election.

"Win or go home," yeah.
Did we win or go home?

[both laugh]
Well, of course,

I was saying that
to get people to vote,

especially the young people.
Did you vote?

Yeah, I'm sure you did.
[cheers and applause]

So... [clears throat]
But the truth is,

we, uh‐‐we postponed the, uh...
[laughs]

Doomsday for a little while.

Uh, you, I saw,
gave a very cogent reason

to be optimistic.

Let me just present
the other side.

Just so that they hear both.
SARAH: Mm‐hmm.

'Cause I think optimism
is very dangerous

in the era of Trump.

The Democrats
did take the House.

That's good, of course.

But...

I mean, considering that,

you know,
it's an election about Trump,

not only the‐‐
maybe the worst president,

but possibly the worst human...
SARAH: Mm‐hmm.

[cheers and applause]
I've known ever‐‐

you know...
[clears throat]

Seen on the stage.

They did what has happened
before in midterm elections.

Not the first time it
flipped the script, you know?

So I was hoping we do better.

I was hoping
we would win the Senate.

I gave a rather large donation
for that,

which, of course,
didn't really pay off.

SARAH:
Do they give you money back

when that doesn't happen or...?

[laughter]

Fuck no.

But I got a nice call
from Chuck Schumer

So‐‐so that was worth
a million dollars.

[laughter]

Whoa.
BILL: But, uh, what's good is,

he lost the suburbs.
SARAH: Yeah.

You know, what we saw
in this election is that

the divide
between the country mice

and the city mice,

even more outrageous now.

We have nothing in common,
apparently.

The people in the rural areas

versus the people
in the cities.

The people in the suburbs,

they are physically
in the middle of that,

and they are intellectually
in the middle of that,

and politically.

That's who
the "Independent" voter is.

He had those in 2016.

They didn't like
a lot of things about him,

but they were
the people who went,

"Well, I don't follow politics
that much,

"but we need
somebody new in there

that blah, blah, blah."

You know, change it up,
break things.

You know, "we need
a bull in the china shop."

Then they found out
they're the china...

[laughter]

And they don't like it.

Like, if you put pe‐‐
kids in cages,

that's not enough
for everyone to say,

"This is madness"?

Yeah, I mean,
there's a lot of atrocities

that have gone on
in this administration,

but the worst is
this threat to democracy.

The worst is somebody
who has gotten away

with going to war
against the FBI.

SARAH: Just right in front
of our fucking faces,

and then firing Sessions today,

the second he knows
he's got the Senate secure...

Yeah.

And that's to go after
Mueller, right?

Well, of course.
And appointing‐‐

I‐I‐‐this guy.

You know, we did a bit once on
our show about the movie "Gus."

Do you remember
the movie "Gus"?

No.
BILL: It was a Disney movie,

and it was about
a field‐goal‐kicking mule.

[laughter]

You remember it.

And the reason why
we were talking about it,

'cause the premise of the movie
was that

it was not specifically written
in the rule book...

MAN: [laughs]

That guy understands
where I'm going.

It was not specifically written
in the rule book

that you couldn't have a mule
on a football team.

SARAH: [laughs]
So‐‐and, of course,

the mule can kick well.
So he became Gus the‐‐

[laughs]
Football‐‐

field‐goal‐kicking mule.
And this is Trump.

If it's not
specifically written‐‐

there are so many things
we just never used to do

because we were like,
"Nobody would ever do that."

And then he does them all.

And appointing
a new attorney general,

a guy who a year ago wasn't
even in the Justice Department,

a guy who's plainly a stooge,
it's again "Gus."

It's not specifically written
in the rule book...

SARAH: That's "Gus."
So he does it.

The great "Gus" analogy.

The "Gus" Analogy,
it explains it all.

[scattered applause]

He was giving a‐‐
Wednesday, he was like,

uh, shitting on,
you know, any ma‐‐

any kind of,
um, centerist Republicans

that wouldn't suck his dick,

and then basically
we're left with Democrats

and extreme right extremists.
BILL: Well‐‐

So where do
those centerist Republicans go?

There haven't been centerist
Republicans for many years.

That's an endangered species.

we just have the ones‐‐

You wouldn't say McCain was?
No?

He just was a guy who had‐‐
who had a sense of honor,

uh, but he did s‐‐
he did things we didn't like

all along the way.
SARAH: Absolutely.

I mean,
when he had to win an election,

he wasn't above
going to the border

and calling for a wall,
as I recall.

Um, his widow, Lindsey Graham,
that's‐‐

[laughter]

That‐‐that's a different story.
I mean‐‐

Thank you for saying that
on this show.

You have a show Friday.
Oh, I'll use it again.

Oh, okay.
[laughter]

I didn't even...
[laughs]

It is one‐‐
[stammers] If you like it,

I'll repurpose it.

What the‐‐what the fuck?
Oh, my God. Sorry.

His widow Lindsey Graham.
Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he was‐he was a‐‐

said some horrible things
about Trump.

I mean, some wonderful things
about Trump,

but horrible about him,

and now he's
his biggest enabler.

You know, sometimes I watch
the, uh, press conferences,

and it drives me crazy.

And I wish, like, comics...
BILL: Yeah.

Could take over
for the reporters.

I wish you could be in there...
BILL: Yes, I‐‐

Asking the questions
and the follow‐ups,

and figuring out how to craft.
[sighs]

No, they're not good at it,

and they haven't learned
how to do it.

One reporter at‐‐
sometime when he says,

"You guys are just
so negative,"

just please say back to him,
"We're not being negative.

"You lie.

You tell obvious lies
and we have to report that."

So it's not going
to get better,

and every article they write
about Donald Trump

should start with
"Donald Trump,

Who Suffers
from Malignant Narcissism..."

SARAH: Yes. Yes.
And then go on with your...

[cheers and applause]

So, Beto...
Yeah.

O'Rourke...
Okay.

Lost to...
[cheers and applause]

Greasy penis nose.
[laughing]

SARAH: And‐‐but his numbers
were good.

And he‐‐he came close,

and I think he
ignited excitement and stuff,

and, you know, I'd fucking love
it if he ran for president.

BILL: Look, I'll consider
last night a victory

if I could be assured
by someone I truly trust

that at least all the elections

were on the up and up.
SARAH: Yeah.

Because I don't know
if I trust elections anymore.

I want someone I really trust
to tell me,

"Yes, he really did lose.

Stacey Abrams really did lose."

That one I really wonder about.

Let me ask you this: In 2020,
who's gonna beat Trump?

Because
we look at the Democrats

and some people say, "Well,
it has to be a centrist,"

and some people say, "Fuck it.
Go all the way far."

I like our governor.

I've been encouraging him
to run.

I think he's presidential.
Yeah.

BILL: I think Eric Holder
would be a good candidate.

Kamala Harris.

You know, I mean,
I like a lot of people.

I think they're gonna have
an exciting field‐‐

Beto, you know,
could get in that race.

I think he'd be‐‐
it has to be someone

who's great at the debate part.

You know, can‐Yes, exactly,

and can excite people.
Who can be tough

and hold people accountable,
and...

And gets crowds.
I mean, this is what

we should have known
about Hillary Clinton.

Bernie was getting
20,000 young people.

Hillary could not fill

the function room
at the Olive Garden.

I mean, it was...
[laughter]

Well.
BILL: Well, hopefully,

the Democrats this time
will understand

that, yes, crowds do matter.

You know, when you can draw
a crowd, it says something

about the excitement out there.

That's why people like Beto
are exciting,

and Gillum,
because they draw crowds.

People are excited
to vote for them.

Just get a Democrat in there.

I'm tired of losing.

SARAH: I'm honestly curious
that‐‐yeah.

Thank you.
[cheers and applause]

That's where we should end.

[laughing]

You're so good at doing this.

I'm not good at doing this.
You're doing‐‐

you're fantastic at doing this.

Your show is fantastic.
Thank you, Bill.

You're fantastic.
I was nervous

knowing you were here.
Ooh, oh.

Bill Maher, everybody.
Thank you so much for coming.

[cheers and applause]

My thanks to Bill Maher,

Anthony Atamanuik,
and all the religious leaders.

That's our show.

Now stick around for "Overtime"
on YouTube.

Oh, fuck, that's your show.

My show is,
good night, America.

I lurve you.

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[whip cracking]