I Like Movies (2022) - full transcript

(cassette clattering)

"Sarabande" from
Barry Lyndon begins

(Matt groaning)

- What time is it?

You there, boy!

- Huh?

Why me, sir?

- Yes, you, my good boy.

What night is it?

- Oh, why sir, it's
Reject's Night.

- Reject's Night.



I haven't missed it at all.

Boy, have you heard of the
fine establishment 7-Eleven?

- Why, of course, sir.

- Well, good then, boy.

I want you to run and
get me the largest bag

of salt and vinegar
chips that you can find.

- The one as big as myself?

- Yes, sir.

Now, hurry, go!

Run before it's too late.

Reject's Night, finally.

Hurry, boy, faster!

Go!

Be careful next to the pool!



(Matt screaming)

("Fuel Injected"
by Swollen Members)

- Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah!
- Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah!

(gunfire blasting)

- Burlington.

- Burlington.

Burlington.

- Recognize. (Matt laughing)

(gunfire blasting)

Tell 'em how you live,
show 'em how you live.

- It's a PT Cruiser lifestyle.

- [Lawrence] Yes.

Yes.

- We got Sum 41.

We got Big Shiny Tunes
'99, Dance Mix '95.

This one's blank.

It hasn't been done yet.

The magic's waiting to happen.

♪ Bust from the top,
duck cops and sirens ♪

♪ Fresh out the shop
poppin' n' stylin' ♪

♪ Madchild whylin' unidentical ♪

♪ The cynical is medical,
condition is critical ♪

(gunfire blasting)

♪ Y'all ain't got it so
don't even think about it ♪

♪ 'Cause I doubt ♪
(gunfire blasting)

♪ Swollen Members, Moka
Only gonna take the shot ♪

♪ If you think you betcha
know, you better press rewind ♪

♪ You can bump it in ya
Sony, repossess your mind ♪

- Ooh-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Shut the fuck up

'cause it's motherfuckin'
Reject's Night.

- [Student] Oh my god.

- [Student] Were those guys
just in a bath together?

- [Mr. Olenick] Okay, could
someone get the lights please?

- [Student] Yup, I got it.

- Oh, Mr. Olenick,
it's not over yet.

- It's not?

- No, no.

The fade to black was
just for dramatic effect

and then we did blooper reel

and outtakes over the
end credit sequence.

- Okay.

We're not gonna get through
all that today, Lawrence,

but--
- Tomorrow?

- This assignment was to
do a two-minute video essay

on bias in the media, right?

So, what is this?

- Oh yeah, well, I just decided

that I didn't really
care about that topic

and wanted to do
something more personal,

from the heart.

- Okay.

Yes, Lauren.

- [Student] Yo, it's Lauren P!

- I liked it.

It was really cute.

- Okay.

Well, it's not
supposed to be cute.

- There was a skit
at the beginning

and then it turns into
a mockumentary, right?

- No, the beginning is an homage

to Charles Dickens'
"A Christmas Carol."

If anything, I would say that
Reject's Night is simply a,

a love letter to friendship.

(students laughing)

- Okay.

Well, all right.

Matt, anything to add?

- Yeah, it's just
a private joke.

- What?

It's not a private joke.

Come on!

Okay.

- You can sit.

- I'm going to
address the class.

Me and Matt watch SNL
every weekend, right?

And so I guess the joke is

while your typical
teenager is out having sex

and doing drugs and
being invited to parties,

me and Matt are watching
Saturday Night Live

on our weekly tradition
of Reject's Night.

I just,

I just think that you should
make films about things

that matter to you.

I'm sorry.

I don't care about
bias in the media

and probably never will,

so yeah.
(students exclaiming)

- [Mr. Olenick] Well,
that's one perspective.

(bell ringing)
(students chattering)

Have a great day.

- [Announcer Over PA System]
Students, don't forget.

The Terry Fox Run is next week.

Please come by the office

and sign up if you
plan on running.

- Hey, guys.

How's that year
end video coming?

- Good.
- Good.

- Good, good!

Does that mean we're gonna
see a cut anytime soon?

Because you know,

the principal still needs
to approve the concept

before we screen it at
the year end assembly.

- Yeah, it's just
like, you know,

with how my creative
process works,

kind of like, you
know, I just really--

- Okay, Lawrence,

directing the year end video
is a huge honour, okay?

So if you're not gonna
take it seriously

and respect my deadlines,

then I'm sure plenty of
other students will, okay?

So please, please,

I need a rough cut
in a month, okay?

("Maybe One Day"
by Not By Choice)

♪ I see you every single day ♪

♪ But you don't know ♪

- I just like don't understand

why Mr. Olenick can't
be like a real educator

who trusts that I know what
I'm doing and just like.

- Well, maybe if you didn't make

the most embarrassing
movie of all time.

- I think you loved Reject's
Night until Lauren P. came in

with her little "media
analysis" or whatever.

- It was just different
when you showed it in class.

I don't know.

You didn't have to be such
a fucking cock to her.

- Yeah, well, I don't care
if Lauren P. lives or dies.

Okay?

- [Lauren P.] Hey, Matt.

- Hey.

Oh, fuck.

Okay, Lawrence, can you just,

can you promise we start
editing something soon please?

What are you filming?

- Clouds.

- Okay, stop.

We have enough.

We're never gonna use that.

My dad needs his
camera back anyways.

- Can you just tell Rick

that like, I actually need to
use it for something important?

Like, look dude,

the Year End Video
is gonna be amazing.

You're just mad 'cause
Lauren P. called you a virgin

and you're like, the horniest
guy in the world, okay?

- You know I've
fingered before, right?

- Can you stop saying that?

I don't wanna hear it.

- It's weird that
you don't jerk off.

- Look, I've tried it and
it's really not for me.

You know?

Like, I'd much rather
watch "GoodFellas."

What are you doing?

- Why don't you go jerk
off to "GoodFellas" then?

- No, can you just.

Delete this, delete--

- Hey!

Fuck you, fucker!

("I Like Movies" main theme)

- [Terri] If Matt
returned "Wild Things,"

why did I get a phone
call saying I owe $25?

- I don't know.

It's like a mistake in
the system, or something.

- I can't wait until
you go off to university

and make new friends, you know?

Like, really,

just maybe they'll
be more responsible

with other people's things.

- Look, Matt said
he returned it.

- I'm not paying for it, okay?

So maybe you should get a job

and you can pay for
Matt's late fees.

- Matt's his own person.

Probably what it is, is like
a clerical issue at Sequels.

They can check in the back.
- I'll give him a person.

Okay, wait.

I have to talk to
you about something

and I want you to keep
an open mind, okay?

I just don't understand

why you won't apply to
Canadian universities.

- Because I don't want to be
like, a Canadian filmmaker.

- What about Atom Egoyan
or David Rotenberg --

- Cronenberg!
- Cronenberg!

- Oh my god.

- Where did he go?

- Mom, I wanna go to NYU.

- Anyone else in your
class going to NYU?

Where are they going?

- I don't know.

They're probably gonna go to
like, Guelph or something.

They're idiots! Take tourism
and business management.

- NYU is very expensive. We're
talking about American tuition.

Do you happen to
have like 90,000 US?

- It doesn't cost that much.

- We'll Ask Jeeves when we
get home how much it costs.

- You just don't think
I'm gonna get in.

That's all it is.

- Yeah, you have no
idea of all the bullshit

I had to deal with
after your father.

Okay, you know what?

I have a lot of terrible
things in my life.

Most people don't
have all my things.

They might have
some of my things,

but not everything.

- It's not a contest.

Our lives are equally hard.

- Okay.

I'm not waiting two hours

while you walk
around a video store.

So you're going in

and you're going
to rent one movie

and then we're leaving, right?

Right?

Don't slam that door.

(door slamming)
(sighing)

(upbeat rock music)
(people chattering)

- Welcome to Sequels.

Oh, hey Lawrence.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Ah, that is a great choice.

Love to see it.

Hey, man.

- I've seen it babe.
- Okay, this one?

- I don't wanna
watch an old movie.

- Fine, Mario.

This one.

- Babe, I hate this guy.

He always looks like he has
to take the hugest shit.

- Hey.

- [Customer] Why don't
you ever let me pick?

- You guys finding
everything okay today?

- Do you work here?

- No.

- What should we get, man?

- Are you looking for a comedy?

Oh.

Ooh, have you ever seen
"Happiness" by Todd Solondz?

- No.
- No.

- It's this really amazing movie

about all these
people living in L.A.

who are like, super messed up.

There's a dad in the movie

who's like an actual pedophile

who wants to have
sex with his son.

And Philip Seymour Hoffman's

always calling people on the
phone while he masturbates.

But it's also really hopeful.

Like, you really care
about all these characters,

which I think makes
it so much worse.

You know what?

It speaks for itself.

Enrich your child.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

- [Shannon] I can take
the next customer.

- How many movies
do you have there?

- [Lawrence] Like, seven.

- No, you pick one.

- One.

Are you serious?

- [Alana] I can help who's next.
- One.

- [Sequels commercial] When you
rent any three new releases,

you'll get a classic
movie at half price--

(movies clattering)

- [Alana] Hey, Lawrence.

Find everything okay?

- Yep.

Look, I know that last time,

you guys said you
weren't hiring,

but I just wanted to give
you a hard copy of my resume.

- Oh yeah, thanks.

I'll hold on to that.

- I don't know if you
know, but Lawrence,

he applied to NYU's

Tisch School of the Arts.
- Tisch, yeah.

- He's very talented.

Loves films.

- Very cool.

Yeah, Terri,

it looks like you have a late
fee on your account for $25

for "Wild Things."

Would you like to
pay that off today?

- No, I would not.

("Is This Thing On?"
by Reversing Falls)

- Yo, this is fucked.

Why don't you tell your
mom you need your own room?

- It's fine.

It's just 'cause all my
dad's stuff is in there.

We switch every month.

I'll have my own
room in January.

Can you pass me the cushions?

Bam.

Ow.

♪ I'm the cash man ♪

♪ I'll give you
money for your gold ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Yes, I'm the cash man ♪

♪ I'll give you
money for your gold ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

(Lawrence laughing)

SNL begins with
"The Chanukkah Song"

- Is that Adam Sandler?

- Mom.
- What?

Can I ask a question?

He has a new movie coming out?

- Yes, "Punch Drunk Love."

Remember, you were
supposed to take me.

- Dude, it's the
"Chanukah Song."

- What?

- Maybe you should
tell Adam Sandler

that we celebrate Chanukah.

- Mom!

Me and Matt can't have
Reject's Night with you here.

- Well, I'm sorry,
but I live here.

- Yeah, but like,

we can't be truest
selves with you around.

- This is a really small house.

Where would you like me to go?

- To your room.

- To my room?

How about you go to
your room, Lawrence?

- I'm in my room!

My room is the couch!

- Well, you know, I'm sorry
you can't do Reject's Night

in a big fancy house tonight.

- Mom, I'm just trying to
watch SNL with my best friend.

And now, we're missing
"The Chanukah Song"

with a special guest
appearance from Rob Schneider,

which I'll probably
never get to see again.

Can you please just go?

God.

- How do you stand him, Matt?

Let's go.

(Lawrence laughing)

- Dude, that was fucking brutal.

- Yeah.

She gets like, really
weird on the weekends.

I don't know.

(whispering) Menopause.

SNL Main Credits begin

- Oh, Jimmy Fallon.

Not funny at all.

- He breaks in every sketch.

Ruined the "Weekend Update."

I miss Norm.

- Yo, do you wanna do the thing?

- Yeah?

All right, what
are you gonna do?

I'm gonna watch a break
dancer in Times Square, okay?

What about you?

- Okay, I'm in an oyster
bar in Grand Central Station

and I'm laughing
with all my friends,

having a great time.

- Okay.
- Okay.

(imitating announcer) It's
"Saturday Night Live" with
your host, Matt Macarchuck!

Yeah, oh.

- Keep the change, man.

And Lawrence Kweller.

- Oh, you guys.

Oh, I couldn't.

Oh. (slurping)

Ooh, that's good.

- And your hosts,

Lawrence Kweller
and Matt Macarchuck.

- (laughing) Okay.

Hey guys, we have a great
show for you tonight.

- Korn is here.

- Korn is here, yeah.

So make sure to stick around.

- Because we'll be.

- We'll be right back.
- We'll be right back.

(microwave beeping)

- Sorry, I didn't have
time to eat my lunch

so I'm just gonna,

but it won't
distract from your--

- Of course, that's fine.
- Interview at all.

And thanks for coming
in on such short notice.

Someone just quit.

Okay.

That's fine.

Lawrence,

why don't you just tell me
a little bit about yourself?

- So basically, like,
movies are my entire life.

I need to watch movies
like I need to breathe air.

And if I don't watch
movie every single day,

I feel like there's a part
of myself that's like, dying.

- [Alana] Oh.

- So I think that could
make me a really big asset

to the Sequels corporation.

- Great.

So what's your
availability like?

Like, can you work
evenings and weekends?

- Oh, extremely available.
- Okay.

- Like, I go to high
school during the day.

- What high school do you go to?

- A-shot, Aldershot High.

- (gasping) No way.

I went to Aldershot.

- (laughing) Really?

- Yeah.

Okay.

- Yeah.

You know, I really appreciate
the opportunity to interview.

- Well, like to be
honest with you,

like if you work here,

you have to know how to leave
your problems at the door.

- Oh, of course.

- Like, you have
to be professional

even when you don't wanna be.

- Could I actually tell you

a little like
anecdote about that?

- Yeah, sure.

- This might surprise
you, given my resume,

but I was actually doing really,

really poorly in
school last year.

I just, I just wanted
to sleep all day.

I never wanted to go to class

and my mom was really upset
because I wasn't talking to her.

She kept trying to make me

go on all these different
anti-depressants

because I have "serious
emotional problems"
or whatever, but.

- Oh, yeah, that--

- Anyway, it was Awards
Night at Aldershot

and everyone was
getting up onstage

to get their plaque for
being on the honour roll.

And I was filming.

I just had this
thought, which was like,

you know, what if I'm smart?

I bet if I actually did my work

and handed my
assignments in on time

that I could be on the
stupid honour roll too.

- Mm-hmm.

- So the next day,

I had my mother
drive me to Chapters

and I speed read "Seven Habits
of Highly Effective Teens"

and it totally changed
my life forever.

- Mm.

- And the very next year,
I was on the honour roll.

- Oh, there you go!

- Now, I would say
I'm very good at

putting first things first.
- Mm-hmm.

- And um, beginning
with the end in mind,

which for me is going to NYU
Tisch School for the Arts.

A lot of my favourite
filmmakers went there

and I never really thought
that I was good enough,

but I've decided to bet
on myself as an artist

and a young man.

- Cool.

- So NYU costs 90,000 US dollars

and I know you get 10 free
rentals a week if you work here.

So you don't have to
tell me right now,

but yeah, just know the stakes
are very, very high for me.

- Okay, yeah.

Like, I think

I'm gonna hire you.

Welcome to Sequels, Lawrence!

(train chugging)
(soft contemplative music)

All right, team.

Hands in.
- Yeah.

- Come on.

- Teamwork makes the dream work!

Yeah.

- Very nice.
(applauding)

- Very good.
- All right.

So I have our mystery
shopper report

and Brant Street earned a
98% on customer service.

- Yeah.
- Oh yeah.

- Gift cards for everyone.
- Nice.

- So, I'm gonna ask you guys
to set some goals today.

Shannon?
- Mm-hmm.

- How many Sequels memberships
do you think you can sell?

- Like two.

- Shannon, how about five?

- Okay, yeah.

- Great.
- Yeah, put me down for five.

- Nice.
- Nice.

And how about Brendan,
Mr. GameCube expert?

How many previously enjoyed
games do you think you can sell?

- I am also gonna sell five.

- Great.

And Lawrence.

Now, did everyone get a
chance to meet Lawrence?

Lawrence will be
on the floor today

working his very first
active seller shift.

(Lawrence gulps.)

So how many advanced
copies of "Shrek" on DVD

do you think you can sell?

- Isn't "Shrek"
already out on DVD?

- Yeah, but this is like,

it's a new special
edition with yeah,

it's wide screen

and then there's
like special footage

of how they animated the donkey.

- ("Shrek" impression) Donkey.

- That's awesome.
- Thank you.

- Then probably like zero?

- No, I can put you down
for like three "Shreks."

I can do that.

All right.

Nice, so we're gonna have
a really awesome day, team.

- Okay, I'm sorry, Alana,

can I just say one thing
like, really quickly?

I understand that I'm new
here, but I really hate lying.

There is no way
I'm gonna be able

to sell three copies
of "Shrek" tonight.

Like, I could maybe
see myself doing that

with a film that I cared about.

"Adaptation," "Bowling
for Columbine."

I'm very comfortable promoting
the works of Michael Moore,

but I thought I got hired here
to talk about real cinema,

which "Shrek" is not.

So can I just do that?

And also that sash, is
that gonna be mandatory?

I refuse to wear the sash.

I have to put my foot
down on that as well.

(Lawrence sighing)

God.

Hey.
- Hey.

- You finding everything okay?

- Yeah. Thanks, babe.

- What's that?

"Legally Blonde,"
this is a great movie.

My mom really likes the scene

with the bend and snap.
(snapping)

- I told you,

it's the guy in the TV show

and the woman with the
hair who married that man.

- Yes!

You're describing "The
Whole Nine Yards."

- It is not "The
Whole Nine Yards!"

- No,

we rented out our last copy of
"Blue Crush" this afternoon.

- Could you help me?

- Thanks, bye.

- A little boy was helping
me, but he's disappeared.

- Okay.

Well, do you remember
what he looked like?

- Jewish.

- Sorry, he was Jewish?

- You know, thick
dark hair, brown eyes,

shorter than a man,
like Danny DeVito.

A little Jew boy.

No, hold on.

TV Jewish.

A little boy who could
play a Jew on television.

(Main "I Like Movies" theme)

- [Matt] Come on, man.

We're gonna miss the movie.

What are we going to see again?

- [Lawrence] P-T-A!

- [Employee] And
"The Santa Claus 2"

will be in theater 12.

- Two tickets to Paul
Thomas Anderson's

"Punch Drunk Love" please.

- Okay.

Are you paying in cash or?

- Yeah, cash.

- Oh no, Matt.

I got this.

- You never have money.

- Yeah.

Well, you know, I'm just
happy you came with me.

- Yeah, I love Adam Sandler.

- Well, I mean,

this isn't gonna be your
typical Sandler affair.

It's a Paul Thomas
Anderson film,

so it's gonna be a bit
challenging for you.

- I think I can fucking get it.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Enjoy your show.

- I will.

- I just realized when
you're in New York,

you can see SNL
like, every weekend.

- I think the
tickets are based on

like a highly competitive
lottery system,

so yeah.

- Can I go with you?

- I mean, if you can get
tickets, yeah, for sure.

- No, like to New York.

We could move there together

'cause I have dual
citizenship, so.

- Hey, do you guys do little
shots of espresso here?

Okay.

Then I will get a
root beer, medium.

Matt, do you want anything?

- Yeah, just a popcorn
and a Coke please.

- Okay, so yeah, two drinks
and two popcorns please.

So I just wanted to talk to you

about Reject's
Night this weekend.

I think there might be
a potential conflict.

- What's the conflict,
that you're gay?

- No, it's that I got
a job at Sequels, man!

It's the best thing that's
ever happened to me.

I get 10 free movie
rentals a week,

15% off all Coca-Cola
branded products.

Oh, and look,

they let me (Italian mob voice)
take any of the Twizzlers

that are past their
expiration date.

Keep that between
you and me, okay?

But it also means

that I'm not gonna be
able to watch SNL anymore

because Sequels closes at
midnight on Saturdays, so.

- What, so I'm supposed
to watch it by myself

like a fucking loser?

- Sorry, man.

I gotta be proactive
about my future.

NYU costs $90,000

and it's not like my parents

are gonna buy everything for me.

- [Audience Member]
Take off your hat.

(Movie preview music)

- "Punch Drunk Love"
is seriously like
the greatest movie

I've ever seen in my life.

- Why did Adam Sandler
need all that pudding --

- Because it's the greatest
love story of our time, Matt!

Oh my god,

the scene where they kiss

and the cameras do
that whooshing thing.

And then you see their
shadows and it's like, ugh!

And then all this stuff
with the Mattress Man.

(Matt turns up
"Tinfoil" by Limblifter)

♪ Turmoil in tinfoil ♪

Okay.

♪ Come on, come on ♪

I thought we were
going to your house?

Is that Lauren P.?!

- Get down.

- What movie is she watching?

- Lauren P. is so
good at editing.

- So?

- Well, I was thinking
maybe she could help us

with like, the Year
End Video, you know?

- Matt, are you like
in love with Lauren P.?

- Shut the fuck up!

(horn blaring)
Hey!

Fuck!
(horn blaring)

Shit, fuck!

(dog barking)
(horn blaring)

Lawrence, are you asleep?

- [Lawrence] (yawning) Almost.

- I was wondering
what you thought

about me coming to New York.

- I thought you were going
to Aldershot next year.

Aren't your parents making you?

- Yeah, but I have
dual citizenship,

so it's like, it's whatever.

- Can I tell you something
like really honest

and you have to promise you're
not gonna get mad at me?

- Yeah.

- Well, it's just like
after high school,

I see myself having a
really different life

with new friends who
share in my interests.

- I just spent the whole day
with your fucking interests.

- Yeah, you totally
did and that's great.

I just,

I think you might be
like a placeholder.

- What the fuck
is a placeholder?

- You know, like a friend
that you have in high school

before you go to university and
make like your real friends.

Like, I don't really
think it's a bad thing.

If we're being honest,

I'm probably your
placeholder too.

It's just, I don't know.

When I move to New York, I
see myself becoming like,

like a completely
different person.

- So you're just not gonna
want to be my friend?

- No, no.

No, in high school, it's fine.

I just think that
like, you know,

you should figure
out your own future

before you decide to
copy mine or whatever.

(Matt sighing)

See, this is why I didn't
even wanna say anything.

I knew you'd be mad.

Are you mad?

- It's whatever, it's fine.

- [Shannon] Pizza!

♪ I love doing inventory ♪

♪ You guys are my best friends ♪

♪ And I got dipping
sauce for your pizza ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

That's it.
- Wow, okay.

I was waiting for
inventory Alana to show up.

She's here.
- Here she is.

What territory do you want?

- New releases!
- New release wall. Okay.

- Damn it.

Okay, I will do old favorites
from family to drama.

- Okay.

I'll take old favorites
from action to comedy

and we can all split games,
previously enjoyed, and retail.

And Lawrence.

Come here.

Lawrence, you're gonna
get the very best job.

You are gonna
watch this computer

and make sure we scan everything
properly in the store.

And if we can scan
everything in by 2:00 a.m.,

we get to go to fucking bed.

- Yay.

- Let's do it.
- Yes.

- Hey Lawrence, how's it going?

- It's good, it's going good.

- We're rocking it, guys.

(blowing)

- Yeah, cool.

How 'bout that?

(wondrous soft music)
(machinery beeping)

- Okay, see you in
a few hours, lady.

- Okay.

Lawrence, nice working with you.

Very awesome scanning.

- (laughing) Thanks, Shannon.

- Lawrence, you need a ride?

- No, no, my mom's
coming to pick me up.

I just gotta call
her when I'm ready.

- What?

It's 2:00 a.m.

Your mom's still
waiting up for you?

- Yo, if I called
my mom at 2:00 a.m.,

she would beat my ass, man.

What? She would.

I would be hospitalized.

- No, no, no.

She likes driving me around.

It makes her feel like, useful.

- Okay, I'll drive him home.

Where do you live, Lawrence?

- Really, she doesn't mind.

- Yo, stop being an
asshole to your mom, man.

Just learn to drive.

And I say that with love.

- Let's go.
- Bye, team.

- Bye.

- Am I going with you?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Yeah, we're having sex.

- Okay, Lawrence,
go get your coat.

We have two minutes
once I set the alarm.

- Don't I get my 10
free rentals a week now?

My trial period's over?

- Now?

(Alana sighing)

Okay, but fast.

You be so fast, Lawrence!

(Alana sighing)

Fuck.

- All right.

Bam.

- All right.

I can't let you rent these.

You have a $45 late
fee on your account.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- Well, you never
returned "Wild Things"

and it says you've had it
for the last three weeks.

- Well--

- That is the movie
where Denise Richards

and Neve Campbell mash
their boobies together

in a pool, right?

- Well, I don't know

because my friend
Matt Macarchuck rented
it on my account,

but he said he
returned it weeks ago.

- With the fakest fake name
I have literally ever heard.

- Look, first thing,

I'm gonna take "Wild Things"
out of his VHS player,

rewind the whole tape,

and then burn his house down

because that's how much I care

about the Sequels late
fee policy, Alana.

I swear to God.

- Yeah, we don't live
far away from each other.

I'm at Tansley Woods.

It's a really nice condo.

I bought it myself last year
and I just got a new oven.

- Oh, yeah, that's cool.

Is it like gas range or...

- It's only 2:15.

Are you sure you don't want me

to drop you off at like, a
friend's house or something?

- I think I wanna go home

and watch "The
Manchurian Candidate."

- Really?

I think you should
go to a party.

- No, no.

I like movies.

- Right.

Well, congratulations.

You just survived
your first inventory.

(soft contemplative music)

- Okay.

See ya.

- Hello!

Yeah, I think you forgot to
thank me for driving you home

and also for being just the
greatest boss you have ever had.

- Yeah, okay, bye.

Thank you.

(faint movie chatter)
(soft contemplative music)

- [Actor] Spartacus!

(Lawrence masturbating)

(screaming)
- Oh, Jesus Christ!

- Why are you still up?

- I'm getting a glass of water.

Why are you still up?

- "Spartacus," I'm
watching "Spartacus."

- Don't watch "Spartacus!"

Go to sleep.

It's a school night.

- Okay.

Goodnight.

I love you.

Goodnight.

- Love you.

Jesus.

Okay, I'll pick you up at 4.

- Okay.

- [Sequels commercial]
It's almost Valentine's Day

and love is in the air.

- Hey Alana, are
you busy right now?

- I'm--

- Okay, okay, so I was thinking

that we should have
like, a Staff Picks wall.

- Oh.

Yeah, we don't do that here.

- Well, I know, yeah.

But just imagine.
- Yeah.

- A section of the store that's
all of our favourite movies.

I was thinking I could
interview everyone on the team

and write up little blurbs
to put next to them.

And that it would be like,
really, really, really special.

Also, I would do everything,

like all the work.

I promise you wouldn't
have to do a thing.

- I mean, they do it
at the Appleby store

and I think their manager said
it increased store revenue.

- So, you're saying yes?

- No.

I'm saying:

let's see how it goes.

- Okay, that works for me.

- Okay.

- Okay.
- Cool, Lawrence.

(Lawrence laughing)

("Ode to Joy")

- So Shannon,

what do you love
about "Dirty Dancing?"

- To begin with, the dancing.

(balloon squeaking)

- Brandon Lee didn't
deserve to die, man.

He gave his life to "The Crow"
and now he lives forever.

- That DVD scares me, man.

It looks evil on the shelf.

- Oh yeah, bro.

"The Crow?"

That one got you, bro.

- [Shannon] What about dogs?

- Are you just saying movies
that have dogs in them

because that's
not very original.

- What about dog actors?

Like dogs, if they
were played by humans,

they'd win an Oscar every time.

- Oh my god, Shannon.

You're a genius.

(bubble popping)

(upbeat music)

- Are you sure you're
the manager? - Okay.

- You're way too
sexy to be a manager.

- I'm the manager.

I'm very sure.

- I need to see some ID
for this regulation hottie.

- Wow, you just had that.

Lawrence, later, okay?

(upbeat music)

- "The Crow" got me
through high school.

It got me through
my parent's divorce.

It got getting cheated
on by my fiance

who is a bitch, by the way.

- Huh.

This is actually,

really great work.

(upbeat music)

(cash register dinging)

(error noise)
(Lawrence sighing)

- Yo.

- Yo, Matt.

You're late.

- Yeah, me and Lauren
went to Wendy's.

- We brought you a frosty.

- I mean, yeah.

I'll take the Frosty for sure,

but she's gotta go.

- Well, Matt was saying you
guys could use an editor

and I'd love to take a
look at your footage.

Trust me, you do not wanna
edit on this computer.

I've had so many
rendering issues

and my dad bought me Final
Cut Pro for my birthday.

- Well, that's just
terrific, sweetheart,

but the Year End
Video's our thing,

so there's really
no groupies allowed.

- Wow, you're being
really sexist right now.

- How is that sexist?

- Lawrence, a lot of
great film directors

have worked with female
editors like Dede Allen.

She helped Arthur Penn
make "Bonnie and Clyde."

And Sally Menke.

She edited--
- "Pulp Fiction."

- "Pulp Fiction."

And Thelma Schoon?
- Schoonmaker.

Schoon.
- Smhoonmaker,

she edited--
- "GoodFellas."

- "GoodFellas!"

- She edited
"GoodFellas," Lawrence!

- Did you guys go to Wendy's
and prepare a fucking speech?

No, Matt.

Lauren P is not involved.

Like, you're really gonna
have to make a decision here

whether you wanna make
a movie with me or--

- Okay.

It's very obvious you
don't actually care

about the Year End
Video here, so.

- I care, I care a lot.

I just think we need to
keep shooting footage.

- Okay.

Well, I have the video camera
and Lauren has Final Cut,

so we don't really know
how you can contribute.

- So you're just gonna
kick me off my own film?

- Well.

Hey, Lauren,

did Matt ever tell you about

how he jerks off
like 98 times a day

and he likes to drive
to your house at night

and park outside, so he can
like, you know, stalk you?

Right?

And Matt, "Wild Things" has
a three week late fee on it.

$46, man.

Like, I don't care

that that's your favorite
movie to jerk off to!

My store really
needs it back, okay?!

It's important!

- No!

You don't deserve a Frosty.

(moody rock music)

- So, how long have
you worked here for?

- Four years.

- That's like, a
really long time.

- Yeah.

- Well, did you ever
wanna do anything else

like go to university,
have a career?

- I have a career.

Hey, yeah, that's not
how you stock the fridge.

- It's not?

- No.

See, you're putting all of
the new pop in the front

so that if a customer grabs
one thinking that it's cold,

they're just gonna end up with
like, a lukewarm beverage.

So take everything
out and start over.

- Okay.

- Yeah, like, I went
to Guelph for awhile.

- Oh, that's cool, yeah.

I'm graduating this year,

but I don't think I
want to go to Guelph.

- Well, where else
did you apply?

- [Lawrence] Nowhere.

Just NYU.

- Lawrence, do me a favor

and apply to least one
Canadian university please?

Just like, you
know, as a backup.

- Why?

I don't need to.

- Because NYU is
kind of a long shot

and you don't want to

end up going to no universities.

You're gonna be -

Oh my god, what the fuck?!

Someone threw a Gordita.

- [Lawrence] Oh, weird.

Well, what's the best
film school in Canada?

- What? I don't know.

Like, Ryerson?

The gay and lesbian section.

This is like a
fucking hate crime!

- Do they shoot on 16-mm?

'Cause I really need to
know how to shoot on 16-mm.

- There's all crushed up
ground beef in the carpet.

- What did you major in?
- It's fucking disgusting.

Shit, we're gonna
get ants again.

- Alana, what did
you take at Guelph?

- Oh, fuck.

Theatre.

- Really?

What did you want to be,

a director, actor, playwright?

- An actor.

- [Lawrence] Cool.

- Yeah,

but then like, my
roommate committed suicide

in my first year.

So then obviously, I
didn't go back after that.

Hey, it's okay.

Look, I'm okay now.

Can you please make your
face into another face?

Okay.

Okay, just watch the counter.

All right?

I'm gonna get the steam cleaner.

Fucking bastards.

Fuck.

("I Like Movies" main theme)

- Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

No.

- Ooh, my little baby!

Oh she's so little.

What are the books
doing on the floor?

- I'm trying to decide
what to bring to New York.

I'm just trying to
pack light, you know?

The essentials.

- Come help me please.

Derek was a really disgusting
prick this morning, okay?

Can I tell you what he said?

- No, I don't--

- As I walked into
the office, okay.

Hey Terri, did you
get breast implants?

So I say, "You know what?

I don't think that's
an appropriate thing

to say to your office
manager there, Derek."

- Yeah, that's gross.

That sucks.

Um, so Alana was telling
me I need a backup.

She says I need to apply to
at least one Canadian school

in case I don't get into NYU.

So I was talking to the
guidance counselor today

and they were telling me that I,

that the deadline is
yeah, well, today,

and I just really need--

- Okay, so.

Go back. Who's Alana?

- Mom, you're not
even listening!

That's my manager at Sequels.

Okay.

So I need to apply on
this stupid website

called OUAC by midnight.

And I was just
wondering what school

you thought I should apply to

'cause I kind of need to decide

in like the next three hours.

- Okay.

What's the easiest
school to get into?

- Mom --

- Sorry, I said something wrong.

Imagine that.

What about Carleton?

Your dad went there.

- I mean,

like yeah, yeah, I mean.

Is that a good school?

Was dad like, happy there?

- Yeah, I think he loved it.

- Well, yours
changes every week.

Last week, you said it
was "Eyes Wide Shut,"

which is really gross and weird.

- Well, that's just
because Stanley Kubrick's

my favorite director right now.

But please, just tell me.

- No, I'm not obsessed with
movies the same way you are.

And I actually, I might
even hate them now.

I used to work in the industry.

- Really?
- Mm.

- As what?

- Look me up on IMDB sometime.

Okay, okay.

I will give you a hint.

Red rum, red rum,
red rum, red rum.

- Oh my god, Alana, are you
saying it's "The Shining?"

- No.

I just knew that would give
you like, a huge boner.

(bell ringing)
(students chattering)

(locker slamming)

(lock clattering)
- Come on, okay.

- [Student] Yeah,
yeah, let's go.

- Yeah, that's great.

Maybe stay a little
bit more to this side

and then the light will get
your faces a little bit more.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah.

What do you think?

- [Matt] I think it
looks really good, yeah.

- I don't know.

I just hope you guys
aren't overexposed

and I don't know, it just -

- [Brendan] It's payday.

- Oh.
- Yeah, okay.

All right.

- Hey, Brendan?
- Yeah, bro?

- Can you come here?

I think there's like, something
wrong with my paycheck.

- Something wrong
with your paycheck?

Let me see.

That looks okay to me.

- But I need to save up
$90,000 US by September.

- Okay.

- If I'm working all the time,

why don't I have any money?

- Okay, so Sequels
takes money out

for your like, RSP funds,

and your employment
benefits, and stuff.

- Okay, I don't want all that.

I want to save all my
money so I can go to NYU.

- I'm sorry.

Have you never had a job before?

- [Lauren] Okay, no, no,
no, let's try to get it.

Let's try together, yeah.

(giggling)

(bell ringing)

- Okay, have a great day.

And don't forget,

your Marshall McLuhan book
reports are due next Wednesday.

The medium is the
homework! (laughing)

Hey, Matt, Lawrence,
can we chat?

So, you promised me
a cut in February.

It's now March.

So what is happening
with that Year End Video?

- Oh yes, yeah,
we're nearly there.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.

Matt, is this true?

- I don't know.

I haven't really been working
with Lawrence at all, so.

- Well, I think it was just more

we were having some
creative differences--

- Okay, is there anything

that I can show to
the principal at all?

- Me and Lauren P.
can show you a cut

of the Year End Video on Monday.

We're working together now, so.

- Wait, Lauren's involved?

- Yeah.

- That's great!

Hey, did you hear she got
into film school at Ryerson?

- Yeah, I know.

She's really good
at like, film stuff.

She's really cool.

- Mr. Olenick,

I don't think it's
fair for Lauren P.

to get credit on
the Year End Video

when I never asked
her to be involved.

- Well, don't women need
opportunities to get involved?

- [Lawrence] Yeah,
but she's a poser.

- Okay.

Matt, I am really
looking forward

to what you and Lauren create.

Go for it.

- Thank you, Mr. Olenick.

- Hey Lawrence, are you okay?

- If you're not going in,

you have to call Sequels and
you have to let them know.

Come on.

- I know that.

Obviously, I have to go.

I have to go.

I just.

- Lawrence.

- Just let me rest for
like, 10 more minutes.

- Oh my god.

Wow.

Lawrence.

You are 40 minutes late.
- We had car trouble.

- You'll have to get changed.

- Yeah, I'll just
be like one second.

- Like, Lawrence, like
you're really late.

Like, please hurry up.

(Lawrence panting)

- Oh, fuck.

(Lawrence panting)
(dissonant ambient music)

Ah, fuck.

(slapping)
(Lawrence sobbing)

(knocking on door)

- [Terri] Hey, are you okay?

Open the door.

Lawrence.

- Great, so "Jumanji"
is due Thursday at noon.

- Hey, Alana, I think
we have a problem.

Can I talk to you?

- Is Lawrence still
getting changed?

- Actually, he just locked
himself in the back room.

I'm not really sure why.

- I'll take the next
customer in line.

- Look, I know that you can tell

that Lawrence is not
like a regular kid.

- [Alana] I can't
do this right now.

- I mean, you know, I love him.

It's just that he has
serious emotional problems.

- I can't.

- Look, I'm sure
that he told you

that his father
committed suicide

about four years ago, right?

He used to use it as an
excuse for everything

like to get out of gym

or if he didn't like what
TV show you were watching.

- Sorry.

- But I need to get into
the back room and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
- No, that's okay.

- I know that
you're really busy.

- You know what?

I'm really sorry.

Like, I didn't know all that,

but I'm down two employees

and I have no one
to help me on cash.

So I'll go and check on him

as soon as the line calms down.

I'll help you over here.

What is she doing?

Hey, can you help Alana please?

- What's going on?
- Nothing, it's--

- No, it's actually not nothing.

- Shannon, just go
back to returns.

- Okay.

I'm over here if you need me.

- Is Brendan back from Staples

because we're all
out of receipt paper?

- [Shannon] I think
he just called.

- I can take someone here.

"8 Miles?"

This is about that
guy, that Eminem guy.

- I'm just gonna get
you checked out here.

- Shannon, what else do I do?

- Okay.

First, we're gonna scan
the membership card.

- Okay, that's it.

Let's go.

Shannon, you're in charge.
- Okay.

- [Terri] Shannon,
you're in charge.

- Don't do that.
- Okay.

- Hi.

- Hey Lawrence?
(knocking on door)

Your mom says you're upset.

Can I open the door?

- [Lawrence] No,
don't come in please.

- [Terri] Hey, honey?

- [Alana] Okay, so Lawrence,

you can take the next 30
minutes in there, okay,

and just like, cool down.

And then I need you
back on cash at 6.

Okay.

And your mom's here.

If you want to talk to her.

- [Terri] Hey, honey.

How are you doing?

- I can't, I can't, I can't.

- Okay, what can't you do?

- [Lawrence] I can't
like, like breathe!

- Okay, I need you to breathe.

Okay, so.

- [Lawrence] Lauren P.
already got into Ryerson.

I'm not gonna get into
any schools at all!

- Okay. (shushing)

Okay, we're not thinking
about that right now.

You just need to
calm down, okay?

So, okay, I want you
to close your eyes

and just imagine,
just imagine an ocean.

Imagine the ocean
in "Cast Away."

Okay?

You still like
that movie, right?

- It's, it's--

- [Terri] Remember to breathe.

Okay?

And you tell Wilson
what the water's like.

- It's warm.

- [Terri] That's great.

What else?

- It's blue.

- Yep, it's blue.

- [Alana] Hey.

- I'm just waiting for my
mom to come pick me up.

- Okay.

(sighing)

Are you feeling better?

- Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what
happened back there.

I just like, forgot how
to breathe or something.

- [Alana] Oh my god.

I'm really sorry.

- It's okay.

- Did you hear back from NYU?

- I'm not gonna get into NYU.
- Huh?

- I'm probably not gonna
get into any universities.

My mom says my life is supposed

to get a lot better
after high school.

That's when she blossomed

and I'm apparently a late
bloomer or whatever too.

But I'm just about to graduate

and it is so depressing to know

that I have to go through
the rest of my life as like,

just me.

- Yeah.

Well, I get that.

So your mom told
me about your dad.

- She did?

- I'm really sorry.

- Yeah.

Well,

actually, I was
like, thinking about

what you were saying
about your roommate.

And you're kind of like,
the only other person I know

who's like, had to deal
with that, so just.

(Alana sighing)

- Hey, you're gonna
get into NYU, okay?

Hey, I like believe in you.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

- Okay.

- Yeah, my mom will be
here any minute anyways.

- Okay, okay, okay.

Just get home safe, okay?

- Yeah, you too.

- [Alana] Bye, Lawrence.

- Bye.

(soft contemplative music)

- Hey.

There you go.

What's wrong?

- It's not a perfect slice.

(Terri sighing)

Like, I'll still eat it,

but you should really learn
how to cut a quiche, mom.

- Like some wine?

- I'm fine with root beer.

- I know today's a hard day,

so I would like to make
a toast before you eat.

To Jeff, wherever you
are, happy birthday.

We love you.

- Yeah.

Love you, dad.

- Cheers.

You know, we don't
have that much time

until you go to school.

We should do like
this more often.

- You don't even like me.

- Yes, I do.

Actually, I'm
pretty proud of you

because Carleton is offering
you a $10,000 scholarship.

(laughing)

Huh, aren't you excited?

- Yeah,

but like, Carleton doesn't
even have a real film program.

- No, yes they do.

You can major in Film Studies.

- Yeah, but that means
I can't shoot in 16-mm,

or have Todd Solondz as
my teacher, or like--

- You know what
my mom said to me?

She said I had three options.

I could be a teacher, a
secretary, or a nurse.

I thought, I hate needles.

I don't like children
all that much.

I guess I'll have
to be a secretary.

- So because your
parents ruined your life,

you have to ruin mine?

- No.

What I'm saying is we can't
afford you to go to NYU

because your single
mom is a secretary.

But you're gonna love Ottawa.

The nation's capital
is very pretty.

- Oh my god.

It's the nation's crapital, mom.

God.

Pass me some garlic bread.

- I don't think the person

that wants you to accept
that $10,000 scholarship

is trying to ruin your life.

I think that person loves you

and doesn't want
you to be in debt.

Can you give in just once?

- No!

I told you, I'm
holding out for NYU!

- Okay.

Then I'm not
driving you to work.

- What?

- I'm not driving you anywhere--

- No, you have to drive me!

- Until you see this
as a viable option.

- If I can't get to work,
I'm gonna lose my job.

Seriously?!
- Mm-hmm.

You know, sometimes,

I think dad killed
himself because of you.

- Yeah?

You know what?!

I think he was smart.

I would love to kill myself
so I could get away from you!

- Happy birthday, dad.

- Hey.

- [Customer] Goodbye.

- Bye, have a good night.

- [Customer] Thanks, you too.

- Hey, thanks for
cleaning all the -

Hey, can you?

- What?

- I'm trying to -

- Oh.

- Yeah, no,

thanks for cleaning all that
barf in the kids section.

I'm sure you have
better things to do

on your Saturday night.

Oh, fuck this fucking place.

- Hey, when you said
you hated movies,

were you just kidding?

- No, no, I really hate movies.

- Then why do you work here?

- Okay, so I think
that I lied to you.

I didn't really
drop out of school

because my roommate
committed suicide.

I actually don't have any
first-hand experience with that.

I don't know why I said that.

I'm really sorry.

Like, I hope you can forgive me.

- Yeah, yeah, no, I forgive you.

Oh my god, thank god.
- Totally.

- I felt like such
a piece of shit.

(sighing) Okay.

Thanks.

Oh, if it makes you
feel any better,

I did really drop out
of school when I was 19.

I moved to LA for this
movie that I was in.

- What movie were you in?

- "The Running Mate?"

- Is that um,

it's like a '90s teen comedy

where a cool guy runs
for class president?

- Like on a dare

and then he falls in love
with his running mate.

- Oh, and Jon Lovitz is
the school principal.

Alana, did you get
to meet Jon Lovitz?

- Lawrence, I'm not
gonna talk about this

unless you're
really gonna listen.

Like, movies are not fun.

There's a lot that they
don't tell you about.

Okay.

So, this is actually
kind of a long story.

(sighing)

Oh, I didn't.

No, I didn't mean you had to.

Okay.

I always knew that I was
meant to be in movies.

Now, I know that that's stupid,

but I starred in all
the plays at Aldershot

and just like
everything about acting

just made me feel like
people were seeing me

basically for the first time.

So, my mom took me to Toronto
to try and get an agent

and then one actually signed me,

but she made me take
these weird head shots

wearing like a tube top 'cause
she said that was my hit.

- What's a hit?

- A hit is like what people
see when they look at you.

And I guess my hit was
vulnerable drunk slut

'cause they just kept
sending me out for roles

like "Girl at Keg Party" or
"Sorority Babe Number Two,"

like roles that I wouldn't get

because obviously I wouldn't

until I did in
"The Running Mate."

Like, getting this role
was a really big deal.

Like Jonah, he was the director.

He fought for me.

And so I was in LA,

and I was like living on my own,

and I was lonely.

But Jonah, he like
took pity on me and,

oh, you remind me of him.

He went to Tisch
School of the Arts.

Me and Jonah, we
would drive around,

and we would go for tacos,

and we would like,
talk and watch movies.

And then there was this producer

who started hanging around.

- Isn't that what producers do?

- Yeah, but this producer
was like a creep.

Like if I had a wardrobe test,

he would just like stand
behind me the whole time

staring at my ass.

Like, he, I don't know,

was obsessed with
my panty lines.

And then all of a sudden,

there was like this concern
about my "experience level"

and he just kept inviting
me to dinners to discuss it.

But these dinners were
always really late

in his hotel room,

but Jonah, he kept pushing me
to go over and over and over.

So then I did, I did,

I went to his hotel and I, yeah,

I went into his room,

but the lights were all off.

And he was just like,
sitting there in the dark,

so now it's just like, me
and him in the dark and,

and I, I can't get him off me.

So,

the movie gets delayed
and then they like,

Jonah replaces me with
this girl on the WB.

And yeah, I like spend the
next six years living in LA,

and I don't book a
single other thing

except for this one
like, dumb pilot

until I just rack
up so much debt

that I have to move
back in with my parents

and I start working here.

So,

yeah, I hate movies.

- Why did you tell me this?

- 'Cause I thought
that you would wanna,

like, you would wanna know.

I don't know.

Sorry, sorry, I guess.

I don't know.

- [Lawrence] Am I like the
only person you've told?

- What?

Aside from my mom,

yeah, yeah, you are.

- God.

- Like, why didn't
you just tell someone?

You know, like if
you told the police,

I bet that guy would
be in jail right now.

- Are you like a fucking idiot?

Sometimes, I like
can't believe my job

is to make you feel
good about yourself,

like to make you feel great

about your like
incredible future

when I was actually
talented and good.

And like, the saddest part is
I really want your approval.

I really want you
to think I'm cool

and that is the saddest
thing that I can imagine.

- I think you're so cool, Alana.

I really do.

(water splashing)
(vehicles whooshing)

- [Announcer Over PA System]
Attention, Aldershot.

If Ashley McIsaac could
come to the office,

it is time to take your Ritalin.

Thank you.

- Hey, man.

How the hell are you?

- I'm good.

How the hell are you?

- Oh, yeah, dude.

I got into Carleton.

I mean like obviously, I'm
holding out for NYU still,

but yeah, it's crazy.

They wanna gimme like
a $10,000 scholarship.

- That's amazing, man.

Good for you.

- Well, are you and Lauren P.

still working on
the Year End Video,

going to Wendy's,
getting frosties?

- What do you want, Lawrence?

- Well, I was just,

I was just thinking about how
we haven't had Reject's Night

in like a really
long time, you know?

Probably because I've been
working so much and yeah, yeah,

I was just thinking about
how like maybe this Saturday,

we could have a Reject's
Night again, you know?

Like I would have to
switch my shift at work,

but then you'd be able
to pick me up at Sequels

at like 10 and we
could still make SNL.

- Yeah, that's totally cool.

I can ask my dad to like let
me borrow the car or something.

- Yeah, dude, awesome.
- Cool.

Oh man, we should do the thing.

- Nah, I don't want
to do that right now.

- Oh, come on, Matt.

Just do the thing with me, dude.

- I don't want to--
- Come on, just do the thing!

It takes like 20
seconds to do the thing!

Do the thing.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Okay.

I am casually eating a hot dog

in like a stylish leather jacket

and I'm very bashful, okay?

What about you?

- I'm looking at the
Empire State Building.

- Okay, frame me up.

- It's Saturday Night Live
with Lawrence Kweller.

- And Matt Macarchuck!

(laughing)

- [Sergeant] Now, you've gotta
be the ugliest son of a bitch

this world has ever seen!

Who in the hell are you?

Are you an abomination of God?

- [Soldier] Sir, yes, sir!

(Lawrence laughing)
(faint movie chatter)

[Sergeant] Are
you ugly, Private?

- [Soldier] Sir, yes, sir!

- [Sergeant] Does your mama
think you're a mistake, Private?

- [Soldier] Sir, yes, sir!

- [Sergeant] Drop to
your knees and give me 20

before I puke my guts out.
- Sir!

- We're closed, go home.

Oh, you're still here?

You begged me to
take your shift.

- Yeah,

'cause me and my friend Matt
are watching SNL tonight.

He's coming to pick me up.

- Dude, it's midnight.

What's his last name?

You want me to put a
late fee on his account?

- It's Macarchuck.

It'd be under his
dad's name, Rick.

Okay, don't actually
do that, but -

I do wanna see what
movies he rented.

That doesn't make any sense.

This is his home branch.

Why would he switch?

- Oh shit, shit, shit, shit.

Do you want a ride home?

- No, no, I can't.

I can't go home
tonight actually.

Do you think I could
just sleep in the store?

- What?

Yo, that's gonna kill your neck.

- No, it won't.

- Okay.

So I can get in a lot of
shit for this Lawrence.

So, hey?
- Mm-hmm?

- [Brendan] Okay, so
it's really important

that you remember to
enter the security code

when you lock up in
the morning, okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay, it's 4-3-6-5.

- 4-3-6-5.
- Got it.

Have a good night, I guess.

- 4-3-6-5.
- 4-3-6-5.

(lights shutting off)

(soft piano music)
(chip bag rustling)

(Lawrence sighing)

- Ow.

(soft contemplative music)
(door slamming)

(Lawrence sighing)

Fuck!

(Lawrence weeping)

- Hey.

Hey, how was Matt's?

(phone ringing)
What's wrong?

Hello?

Hold on.

Lawrence, it's Alana.

Can you talk to her?

- No.

- Alana, I'm sorry.

Lawrence can't
come to the phone.

What?

Oh my god.

No, I did not know, no.

I thought that he was at
a friend's house, yeah.

Okay.

Yes, of course, yes.

He'll be coming down right away.

Yeah.

Okay, bye.

Looks like your store
was robbed this morning.

Something about not punching
in the security code right?

You slept at Sequels last night?

You have to go file
a police report.

- What?!

But, I didn't get into NYU.

- I'm sorry.

My heart is breaking for you,

but you're gonna cry in the car.

- Well, you get the idea.

So, Alana feels like you're
not really being a team player.

We got here frequently late.

Apparently, you have
expressed a desire

not to sell the merchandise.

And there have been some reports
of emotional instability.

But now she sees you on
the security cameras,

sleeping overnight in the store,

which is a huge security risk.

And not only that,

but the front door to the store
was somehow left wide open.

We have now lost $5,000
worth of Sequels merchandise.

- I've also done
good things too.

Did Alana mention
the Staff Picks wall?

- Yeah, no, the Staff
Picks wall was great,

but right now, you're letting
your whole team down, okay?

Especially me.

- Lawrence, you have an
amazing opportunity right now.

You're working for a company

that's only growing
and expanding.

So if you play your cards right,

I could see you having a career
in the video store industry

for the next 30 to 40 years.

- No offense,

but I think I wanna do
bigger things with my life

than just work here.

Like my job is walking
around a video store,

making people buy things.

It's kind of the stupidest job

that's ever existed
to be honest.

And you want me to do it
for the next 30 to 40 years?

Like, don't you think I'm
more capable than that?

- Why are you being a dick?

- Well, it's not the
language I would use.

- Well, no, Lawrence needs to
know when he's being a dick.

Just because you go to
university doesn't mean

like everything's
gonna turn out great.

People work at
Sequels to do things

like earn a living and survive.

- Maybe they also do it

when they've had a
traumatic experience

and they're emotionally
devastated now or whatever.

- Wow, really?

Fuck you, motherfucker!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I don't understand why I'm
being called a motherfucker.

- That's not really the way
to speak to an employee.

- Well, maybe me and
Owen are like pissed off

because of your huge sense
of fucking entitlement?!

Do you know what I would
give to be a 17-year-old boy

just quietly sitting in the
corner watching my DVDs,

knowing I'm gonna inherit
the whole fucking earth

'cause literally the whole
fucking world is made

for shitty little nerds like me.

And I bet you will go to NYU

and just go on to
treat so many women

like complete and utter
garbage because, what?

Your biggest emotional
wound is like,

no one wanted to watch
Stanley Kubrick movies

with you in high school?

- Well, no, no, I
didn't get into NYU.

And if you're forgetting,

my dad kind of like
killed himself.

Owen, I'm not sure
if you realize this,

but my father, four years ago,

he hung himself
in our garage, so.

- On behalf of his
Sequels corporation,

I'd like to extend my
deepest condolences to you

and your family.
- No, Owen, no.

He does this like all the time.

It's like his
secret little trick

to make people
feel sorry for him.

You are very
privileged, Lawrence!

- I don't feel privileged.

I don't even understand
what that means.

Owen, do you understand
what that means?

- You can't say that to me!

It makes me wanna stab
you in the throat!

- Okay, so this isn't
being productive right now.

To answer your question,

I think it's a sort
of a structural,

symbolic kind of privilege.

- Oh my god, this
is not working.

This is like, crazy.

- But Lawrence, I do want
to apologize for the way

that you were just spoken to.

It's not appropriate.

We will have a chat about that.

But Alana and I were
chatting earlier

and we think it's appropriate

to give you a three
week probation.

- Wait, so I'm fired?

- No, no.

Brendan, your shift
leader, was responsible.

We feel he should
be the one to go.

But speaking of privileges,

of course,

you will not have your
Sequels employee privileges

during your probationary time.

- Wait, wait, but what
about "Punch Drunk Love?"

The DVD is coming out very soon

and I need my Sequels
discount to be able to buy it.

- You should have
thought of your precious
Adam Sandler before -

Okay, Owen,

what if I like just
don't want Lawrence

to work here anymore either?

Can we just fire him right now?

- Well, no.

I mean, there's a tiered
conflict resolution model.

- No, no, no, no, you can't.

I'm sorry, you can't, Alana.

You can't fire me because
I think I love you.

You're my best friend.

- No, no, no, no.

You are a narcissist, Lawrence.

(seagulls cawing)

(horn blaring)

(knocking on window)
- It's open.

- Hey.

So yeah, it was just like

kind of a
misunderstanding actually,

just a bit of a
miscommunication.

- Okay.
- Yes.

- Put your seatbelt on.

Oh my god.

- What, what?

- [Terri] What is that?

Are you picking your head again?

- No.

Don't be mad.

It just helps me feel
better sometimes.

I got fired.

- It just never ends with you.

(clippers buzzing)

Oh my god, I should
be a hairstylist.

- Okay.

Now, before we screen
the Year End Video,

would our filmmakers like to
come and talk about their work?

Yeah? Okay.

(students chattering)

- Hi, Aldershot.

My name is Lauren Phillips

and I'm the director
of the Year End Video.

(student cheering)

Thank you, Mr. Olenick,

and to my producer,
Matt Macarchuck.

and to all of you guys

for like putting up with
all the filming and stuff.

We will be doing a Q&A in
the foyer after the assembly.

And I shot this on 16-mm film.

Okay, thanks.

- Okay, okay!

(students applauding)

Are we ready for this movie?

All right, lights,
curtain, action!

- [Matt] That was a great
speech. - [Lauren P.] Thank you.

- [Matt] Dude, don't be nervous.

Everyone's gonna love it.

- [Lauren] I'm not nervous.

(screen descending)
(students chattering)

(gentle orchestral music)
(students chattering)

- I just bought a new
film camera and all that,

so I'm excited.

What about you guys?

Where are you headed to?

- Hey, man.

Are you here for our Q&A?

- I mean, I got some Q's.

- You don't wanna hear our A's?

- The Year End Video
was really cool.

It um, moved me emotionally,

which I think is the
highest compliment

you could give to a filmmaker.

- Well, thank you, Lawrence.

That was very sweet.

- I do have a Q actually.

Why aren't we friends anymore?

- Ooh, okay.

Let's take this outside.
- Sorry.

- I think it just got
too hard, you know?

Like, you kind of
were just always

acting like you were
better than me, you know?

You said I was a placeholder,

and then you said that
fucked up thing to Lauren,

and then my grandpa
died and stuff,

so I just didn't really
want to deal with you.

- Wait, your grandpa died?

Why didn't you tell me?

- I think probably 'cause
it was easier than knowing

that if I told you,

you probably wouldn't
have given a shit anyways.

So, I don't know.

- I am so sorry,
Matt, for everything.

- Dude.

- No.

Like...

Well, will you still
sign my yearbook?

- Yeah.

- They gave you "nicest eyes."

You do have very nice eyes.

- Shut the fuck up.

- I'm sorry.

I wish I appreciated them
more when I had the chance.

- You know, I'm gonna
move to Toronto next year

when Lauren goes to Ryerson.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I was thinking about
taking some improv classes

at Second City.

- Dude, that's where like
a bunch of SNL people went.

That's awesome.

- You still moving to New York?

- Ottawa.

I'm gonna go to Carleton.

Dude, you should come visit me.

I think if we go to
Hull, we could get drunk.

The drinking age
there is only 18.

We could also like maybe
take the train to Montreal,

go see the Parliament Buildings.

We could go to the
National Art Gallery,

give paintings the finger.

- Here you go.

See ya Lawrence.

- Hey, Matt?

I'm just gonna say something

and you don't have to say it
back if you don't want to,

but um, I love you and I
miss you like, every day.

- Yeah.

I'll see you around, okay?

- Okay.

- [Matt] Hey, Lawrence.

I hope you have a
great time at Carleton.

Thanks for making
me laugh a lot.

We'll always have
Reject's Night.

Peace out!

Your friend, Matt Macarchuck.

- I'll meet you at the front.

- Do you think I
could just like,

get my discount on
this one last time?

- Um, no.

There you go.

Thank you.

- I like your earrings.

- Thanks.

They are Le Chateau.

- Bye for now.

- See you, Lawrence.

- Um, more please.
- More?

Okay?

- One more.
- Really? Okay.

- [Lawrence] That's
great, thank you so much.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- [Server] I can
help you here, ma'am.

- Hi.

- [Server] Yup,
what would you like?

- So I'll order a turkey sub,
whole wheat bread, no cheese.

("I Like Movies" main theme)

Hey.

Nice hair.

Can I sit with you?

- Sure.

- Oh hey, you're going to
university soon, right?

So I should maybe
give you some tips,

college tips.

Yeah, any degree you get is
like basically meaningless

so you should just take courses
that actually interest you.

Like, experiment, you know?

And not just with school

'cause I actually wish that
I had more sex in college.

- Geez.

- Yeah.

And yeah, if you put tinfoil
over the smoke detector,

you can actually smoke
weed in your dorm.

- How do you get people
to like you in university?

- Ask them questions
about their interests

and really listen
when they talk.

Not just because you're
waiting to speak,

but like really listen
to what they're saying

so you can sort of see where
the conversation takes you.

I mean,

I think people are really
gonna like you in university.

I know that maybe they
didn't in high school,

but I think you have a real
college type of personality.

Yeah, things are like gonna
be really good for you there.

- Well, what about you?

- What about me?

- Like, are you gonna be okay?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I don't work
at Sequels anymore.

I enrolled in an acting class.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

And I am seeing a therapist.

- Well, how's all that been?

- Yeah, pretty good I think.

- Cool.

Alana, can I ask you like
a super personal question?

- Mm-hmm?

- What's your
favorite movie, man?

- Oh my god.
- You never told me.

- Oh my god, Lawrence.

Okay, are you like really
ready to hear the answer now?

- I think so, yeah.

- 'Cause it's not a
Stanley Kubrick movie.

- I have come to accept that.
- Okay.

- I just,

I want to know what
kind of movies you like.

- Ooh.

"Steel Magnolias."

- Oh, yeah, I haven't
seen that actually.

- Oh my god.

Lawrence, you haven't
seen "Steel Magnolias?"

- No, no.

- What?

This is like the best
movie of all time.

- What do you like
so much about it?

- Okay, for starters,
it has the best cast.

Like Julia Roberts, Sally
Field, Dolly Parton,

and Shirley MacLaine
are all in this movie

and they all have like these
amazing Southern accents.

(laughing)

And then at the
beginning of the movie,

Julia Roberts is like
this beautiful bride to be

with chronic diabetes.

And like I don't
wanna spoil anything,

but like she could
maybe die at the end.

- Oh no.

- It breaks your heart.

You have to see this movie.

- What year did it come out?

- Oh, who the fuck knows?

Who cares?

It's so good.

- Oh my god.

This is never gonna
fit in the car.

(smooching)
(Lawrence laughing)

Okay.

Here we go.

(uplifting orchestral music)
(noises of the city)

(knocking on door)

- Hi.

My friend said the
fourth floor rooms

are five times bigger
than regular rooms,

so I wanted to check it out.

Is that cool?

- Yeah, come on in.
- Thank you.

Cool.

- Hi.

I'm Lawrence.

- I'm Tabitha.

"Steel Magnolias," cool.

Do you like movies?

- Yeah, yeah, I like movies,
but what do you like?

- I'm really into horticulture.

- Horticulture?

Yeah, that's cool.

How did you get into that?

I grew up in the
Sunshine Coast in B.C.

and my parents had a greenhouse,

so they were just big hippies.

- Really?

What did they grow?

- Weed at one point,

and cucumber, spinach,

and then I started growing
my own heirloom tomatoes.

Okay, I'm gonna head out there

and tell everyone that
your room is huge.

- Okay, yeah.

Thanks for talking
to me about tomatoes.

- No, I meant like,

do you wanna go try
and meet people?

- Um... Yeah, sure, totally.

- Hey, Mitchell, Janessa,

this is Lawrence.

He has a room on
the fourth floor

and you're right,
it's way bigger.

- Yeah, I didn't even
know that was a thing.

Where are you guys from?

Did you like who they
assigned as your roommates,

and what you picked
as your major,

and how have you liked
living in Ottawa?

Did you have to travel
super far to get here?

Are your parents okay?

Are they holding up?

Do they miss you?

- Wow, you really
like to ask questions.

- Yeah.

Is that bad?

- No, you're good.

Come sit down.

- Okay.

- Where are you from, Lawrence?

- Burlington.

- Burlington?

I've never heard of that.

- It's like a suburb--

- It's just outside of Toronto?

- Yes, yeah, yeah.
- I'm from Toronto.

- Me too.

- Oh, okay, yeah,

well, you must know how
much Burlington sucks then!

- I've driven
through it like once.

- Yeah.

- That's sweet.

- But like, what's the
Sunshine Coast like?

I've never been to B.C.

- Oh, it's beautiful,

a lot prettier than here,

but it's still nice here.

(people chattering) ("Loving"
by Land of Talk begins)

♪ There's that song,
touch a body feel it ♪

♪ It's gonna get worse ♪

♪ Don't say you live here ♪

♪ Don't let it get cursed ♪

♪ I've been living
like I'm locked up ♪

♪ I can see the midnight skies ♪

♪ Sometimes love it
would sustain you ♪

♪ Only if you're on my side ♪

♪ Now and then I
like to kid around ♪

♪ Some might say I
just don't let up ♪

♪ Life's not long, why
don't you live it? ♪

♪ There's that song,
touch a body feel it ♪

♪ It's gonna get worse ♪

♪ Don't say you live here ♪

♪ Don't let it get cursed ♪

♪ Touch a body feel it ♪

♪ It's gonna get worse ♪

♪ You know you don't live here ♪

♪ Won't let it get cursed ♪

♪ Touch a body ♪

♪ Touch a body feel it ♪

♪ Touch a body feel it ♪

♪ Touch a body feel it ♪

♪ Touch a body feel it ♪

("I Like Movies" main theme)