I Like Money (1961) - full transcript

Halt!

Break ranks! Gather round!

- Now then, what did we see today?
- The cathedral!

The cathedral, yes.
And when was it built?

- 14th century!
- In the 14th century.

Now then, how many fish
were there in the pond?

- Three!
- Four!

There were four fish in the pond. Four.

Hands up,
all those who said four.

Oh... I thought there were some of you
who said three.

In fact, I'm sure there were some of you
who said three.



- All right. Did you enjoy your walk?
- Yes, sir.

- Good. See you in the morning.
- Goodbye, sir.

- Oh, Mr Topaze.
- Oh...

I'm so sorry to disturb you, but, er...

may I ask you a great favour?

Yes, please do.

May I borrow your red ink?

Oh, yes, with the greatest pleasure.

I, er... I've just bought a new bottle.

- You're so kind.
- Oh...

Erm... it's in here.

Erm... the new bottles have
the rather curious habit of being stiff,

so I'll open it for you, if I may.

I-Isn't he lovely?



- I like people who like animals.
- Oh...

I love animals.

- Oh, do you?
- Yes, I... yes.

Erm...

- Are you going to do the corrections?
- Yes. Mm.

It's a job I don't like very much.

I love doing corrections.

Sometimes I find myself correcting
the writing on the posters in trams even.

Sometimes.

Well, there you are.

You can keep it as long as you need.

Thank you.

Miss Muche...

I am at your service.

At my service?

I wish you really meant that.

But I do! You know I do.

It's a pleasure.

Please, Miss Muche,
let me take your homework with me,

because, you see, when I'm at home
in the evening, correcting it,

it will seem as if... I'm still near you.

Oh really, Mr Topaze,
you shouldn't say such things.

I'm very sorry, but...
please don't refuse me.

Oh, very well then.
Just this once.

Oh, thank you.

It's all done up
with your own little strap.

I'm so happy.

- Oh! Oh, Mr Topaze...
- Yes?

Your red ink.
I won't be needing it now.

Oh. How very... very sweet of you.

You, erm...

You won't let anyone know
that you're helping me, will you?

No.

Nobody shall know...

that you and I are doing
something forbidden together.

Oh, please!

It's our secret, Ernestine.
Our lovely secret.

Yes. Well, erm... I shall want those books
by half past eight tomorrow.

- Remember...
- Hmm?

- Not a word!
- Oh, no... not a word.

Thank you.

Not a word.

Topaze, Topaze.
How is it going with Ernestine?

Beyond my wildest dreams,
and what do you think?

She's just given me
her homework to correct.

- That's a step forward.
- Well, it's a step in the right direction.

Oh, how wonderful
to be so clever and so attractive!

Oh, would you tell your dear wife
I shall be in late again tonight?

Of course, yes.

I reckon I must be
the worst lodger she's ever had.

Still, if I didn't give these private lessons,
I couldn't pay the rent.

- You'd be too embarrassed to ask for it.
- I would not!

- Oh, I bet you would.
- I would not!

I bet... What do you bet me?

I bet you two francs.

I bet you thirty francs.

I bet you thirty and a half francs.

- Hello, Gaston.
- Hello, sir.

Are you ready for your lessons?

Eh? Come on, up we go.

Good gracious, have you gone
through all that muck?

Hello, Tamise.

You must've got up
in the middle of the night.

Well, I... didn't feel very sleepy.

"And love banished sleep
from my weary eyes."

Hmm!

Pindar. Pindar.

Greek poet, Pindar.

You know,

why is it they spell stars with a "z"?
I'll never understand that.

- I thought I might help you.
- Hmm?

No, no, no. Er, no,
thank you very much, Tamise,

but, er... she might
recognise your handwriting.

Well, er, shall I just underline
the mistakes for you?

No, it's very sweet of you,

but, er, you know, er,
she might sort of recognise your touch.

Some people press harder than others,
and, and... and, er...

K-L-O-C, "clock".

Ah! So she knows
your touch already, eh?

Hmm?

I said, "She already knows your touch."
Hmm?

Only with a pencil.

Not the way you mean,
you naughty man.

And what about eternal love?

Have you sworn that away?

No, no, I... I've said...
I've said a few things.

I've said some quite daring things,
but I haven't gone that far, no.

- Well, you should.
- Should I?

- Yes!
- Hmm! What do you think I should do?

She is a woman.
You must appeal to her as a man.

That's what they want, women.
They want men.

Yes, yes, I quite agree with you, Tamise,
I agree about that, but...

I mean, do you think
she'd see me in that light?

I mean, do you think I...
I'd have any appeal to her as a man?

- Stand up!
- Hmm?

Stand up!

Yes, you... You present
quite a manly appearance.

- Your own teeth...
- Yes.

- Healthy hair...
- Yes.

- A good beard.
- Oh, the beard...

Your beard is really quite masculine.

You know, from certain angles
your face is positively leonine.

- Do you think so?
- Yes... yes.

Yes, yes...
Yes, I see what you mean, Tam.

I am not of unprepossessing features.

You've got a very distinguished nose.

- Do you think so?
- Yes.

I never...
never used to like my nose.

Oh, it's a very good nose,
a commanding nose.

- Do you think it is commanding?
- Mm-hmm.

It's just that one never thinks of one's nose
as being commanding.

- Oh, the gas has gone.
- Oh, let me do it, let me do it, let me do it.

There's some matches and coins
on the meter if you can find them.

Uh... gets a bit cold in here
when the gas goes out, doesn't it?

Yes, I see what you mean
about the commanding thing.

It is commanding from the front,
but maybe less commanding from the side.

Ah, Topaze!

Ah, you cut a fine figure!

The learned brow of a forceful face.

The animal magnetism in the eyes.

Go to her, Topaze.
Sweep her off her feet.

- Demand her hand!
- Yes, yes.

"Demand" her hand?

- Would it not be better to ask?
- No, no, no. Demand!

Women are women - they love to be ruled.
You must dominate them.

- Dominate...
- Tamise!

Oh! Er, er...
Coming, my dear!

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Erm, Tamise,

how did you propose to your wife?

Oh, I didn't have to.

- Her mother arranged everything.
- Yes.

Well, you see,
Ernestine has no mother,

and of course, as you know,
her father is our headmaster.

Have no fear, Topaze.

This is natural selection.

Take her in your arms.

Kiss her forcefully.

Bruise her lips.

Show her with your one kiss

that you are the master
come to claim your slave.

Veni, vidi, vici.

Oh, Ernestine...

What do you think she might say?

She may faint away in your arms
murmuring, "Topaze, Topaze."

Or in her modesty
she might repulse you,

or she might even say,
"Don't you dare!"

Or she may even slap your face,

- but that's not important.
- No, no, it isn't.

So long as she doesn't call out for help,

the answer is, "Yes."

Yes, Ernestine,

your Topaze is here.

Yes.

I think I might try that.

I think I might.

Good morning, Ernestine.

Good morning.

Is there anything wrong, Ernestine?

Is there... something wrong?

Ernestine?

- Hmm?
- No, nothing's wrong.

Well, it has come to my ears

that you've been spending the evenings
in the home of a very beautiful young lady.

Oh, but my contacts with her
are of a strictly professional nature.

Oh, really?

Well, from what I heard, all contacts with her
are of a strictly professional nature.

But she's the relative of a pupil of mine.

I really don't care who she is.

I think you're angry, Ernestine.

- Not at all.
- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, Ernestine.

- Not at all.
- Yes. Erm...

Erm, please listen to me, Ernestine.

If my visits to that lady have caused you
the slightest vexation,

then that makes me very happy,
you see, because...

- I love you and I want to marry you.
- Oh!

How dare you!

Leave this room immediately!

- Yes. Thank you.
- Oh...

Tamise, it's happened.

- What's happened?
- She just slapped my face.

Congratulations!

But... but Topaze, her father!

Yes. I'd forgotten about the headmaster.

- Er...
- What?

Erm, do you think someone might find out
how the land lies?

- Me?
- Would you?

- All right!
- Only it's a good moment,

because I'm just about to introduce
a new boy to the school.

Where did you find him?

Oh, well, it's that boy Gaston Courtrois,
I give him lessons, you know? And...

- Oh!
- What is it?

Oh, a poor child who I was to help
this morning must've been waiting for hours.

I must rush! I must rush, yes.

Erm, erm...

- Tamise... discreet!
- Yes! Yes, yes!

What must I do?

- Rush!
- Rush, yes.

- Smells lovely.
- Thank you.

Best ever.

My modest darling.

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, my boy.

I'm very, very sorry.

A matter of extreme urgency kept me.
I'm very sorry.

Now, what was it...
what was it we were to do today?

- Dictation, sir.
- Dictation, was it?

Very well, dictation it was,
and dictation it shall be.

Now then...

Yes, yes.

"He picked up the pen
and signed his name."

My modest darling.

"He picked up the pen and signed his name."
Have you got that?

He picked up the pen
and "singed" his name?

No, no, no, no! No, no!

"Signed" is spelt S-I-G-N-E-D,

not S-I-N-G-E-D, you see?

He had no reason
to burn his name, had he?

- Ah!
- Good morning, Headmaster!

Good morning, Mr Topaze.

- I would like a few words with you.
- Certainly.

Er, run along and play,
and we'll do the dictation later.

- Mr Topaze.
- Yes, Headmaster?

- That's torn.
- Hmm? Ah.

Mr Topaze, may I remind you
of article 27 of our regulations?

"Teachers giving private lessons
in the school

"will pay ten per cent of the price
of such lessons to the headmaster."

Ah, but Headmaster,
these lessons are free.

F-Free? Free lessons?

Has the world gone mad?

Do you realise the grave consequences
of this revolutionary initiative?

If you give lessons for nothing,
nobody will want to pay.

You are robbing your colleagues, Topaze.

Headmaster,
please don't say such a thing.

And your generosity will not absolve you

from paying the ten per cent this time,
however.

It is not just the question of the money.

We must all respect the rule.

What is that mammal?

That is a skunk, Headmaster.

- Is it?
- Yes.

- Yes, so it is.
- It's mine.

- Is it?
- Yes.

I brought it to illustrate a lesson
on the animals which plague the farmyard.

Huh! Fancy!

- That's torn.
- Yes.

- Erm, Headmaster...
- Yes? What?

I believe I shall be successful
in introducing a new pupil.

Huh! Ah!

And may I draw your attention
to the fact that this will be the third pupil

that I have successfully recruited
for the school this year.

You have thus rendered
a great service to three families.

- Thank you.
- What is the boy's name?

- His name is Gaston Courtrois.
- Ah!

Not a very aristocratic name,
unfortunately.

Now, had it been "De Courtrois",
it might have influenced me.

He has a certain agility of mind,
Headmaster,

a natural gift for grasping
shades of meaning,

and I'm afraid I rather
committed myself with his aunt

who is, incidentally,
a famous musical comedy star.

- Oh? How interesting!
- Yes.

Yes.

Would his aunt be prepared
to accept our conditions?

Er, 300 francs a month,
payable in advance.

Oh, without any possible doubt,
Headmaster.

Ah?

And have you told her that we have been
forced to add certain extras to our charges?

- Certain extras, Headmaster?
- Yes, yes.

- May I inquire what they are?
- Don't you know?

- No.
- Take them down.

Yes.

Erm... permission to drink
at the drinking water taps, three francs.

Then there is a deposit for the wear and tear
on the school furniture,

names carved on the desks

and words written up on the walls
of the, erm... erm... thirty francs.

This boy would never dream
of writing words on the walls of, er...

No doubt, no doubt.

Still, if his aunt accepts our terms,
he will be entitled to.

- What was that? Huh? Hmm?
- Hmm? What?

- I thought I heard a sound.
- Well, I don't think so, no.

Is there a boy concealed in the room?

- No, Headmaster, no.
- No.

Never mind, never mind.
Where was I?

- Er, thirty francs for writing on the walls of...
- Yes, yes.

Then there is
a six-francs-a-month insurance...

Yes.

...against various ills and ailments,
er, particularly pertaining to school children.

Dislocation, sprains, mumps,

and being poked in the eye
with a sharp object.

Do you think his aunt would be prepared
to accept these conditions?

Well, I... I would think in all probability,
yes, Headmaster.

Yes.

Well, he sounds a very promising pupil.

And obviously one
from the upper strata of society.

And since you have been so imprudent
to commit yourself,

I suppose I must support you.

- I'm deeply grateful to you, Headmaster.
- Good.

I trust you will prove your gratitude
by re-doubling your zeal.

And above all, more discipline,
Mr Topaze, more discipline.

You may count on me, Headmaster.

Good.

I am pleased with you, my friend.

- My Headmaster.
- Yes.

I am, yes.

Good.

Yes.

Miss Courtrois.

- Good morning, Miss Courtrois.
- Good morning, Mr Topaze.

I thought I'd have a look at the school
before I make my mind up about my nephew.

Yes, of course, I should be only too pleased
to show you around our school.

- Run along, boys.
- And where are the other playgrounds?

Er... the other playgrounds?

Well, yes, I suppose there must be
some garden where the children play?

Er... No, no... No, erm...

I appreciate this playground of ours
must seem rather small to you...

- Yes, rather.
- Yes.

...but it has become, as you can see,
much enlarged by strict application of rules.

Run along, Paul. Christian.
That's right.

Erm, our headmaster, Mr Muche,
has noticed that a child that runs about

occupies much more space
than a child that stays still,

and he has forbidden all games
that entail any vigorous movement.

So our playground has thus become
much enlarged.

Yes.

Mm, perhaps you'd like to have
a look at our six classrooms.

Oh, no, thank you, thank you,
thank you very much, dear Mr Topaze.

No, you see, this school isn't at all
what I had expected it to be.

Oh?

I had hoped it would be...
a little more than a chicken run.

Oh.

In other words, your impression
has not been a favourable one.

In other words, no.

Oh. I see.

- Well...
- Allow me.

Sorry to disappoint you, Mr Topaze.

I hope it won't cause you embarrassment
with Mr Muche.

But honestly, do you like this school?

Well, shall we say, I love teaching.

Yes. Well, goodbye. And see you tonight
for Gaston's lesson, as usual.

Of course, Miss Courtrois.

And maybe amongst his friends
I can find some extra work for you.

- I would be most grateful. Thank you.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- Anyway, what could I do?
- Oh well, oh well.

That reminds me...

Look what I found at a bookstall:
Pestalozzi's letters.

It's a pity they don't sell overcoats
in these bookstalls.

Oh, I'd much sooner have this book
than an overcoat.

This man knew more about education
than we'll ever know.

He said, "To teach is to be taught."
And he was right.

We are privileged men, Tamise.

Our pupils teach us to be honest,
to be sincere, to be...

One jump ahead of them all the time.

- Topaze, may I tell you something?
- What?

You are too soft-hearted.
You need more discipline.

Is it because of my little musician
you say that?

- Have you caught him yet?
- Ah, no, not yet.

- You see, I rather like the tune.
- Oh, Topaze.

But unfortunately
it completely destroys my authority.

The next time you hear the music,

continue with the lesson
as if nothing had happened,

then little by little walk towards the sound.

When you are right up to it,
turn sharply,

grab the creature from his seat,
open the desk, and Io - the musical box.

Yes, it's quite a good idea,

but it's not completely fair, Tam,
because it's based on deception.

Well, is your little musician
completely fair?

No, but... well, he's only a child.

You do love these children, don't you?

Well, you see, they shield us from all
the greed and all the selfishness in the world,

and that's good.

Oh, Topaze, I wish
I was dedicated as you are.

- I wish...
- Tam!

- May I tell you something?
- Mm-hmm.

You talk too much.

Yes. Let's be quiet.

Let's... let's listen to the silence
of the secret moments.

When time flows softly
beyond black horizons.

- Right?
- Mm-hmm.

Tomorrow morning,
Wednesday 23rd January,

from 8:30 to 9:30,

we will write an essay
on behaviour and responsibility,

so I want you please now to write the date
of this essay in your exercise books.

That is very naughty.

Whoever wrote that is a naughty boy.

Kegusec, I do not need to turn around

to know that it is you
who is disturbing the whole class.

Leave the room, Kegusec.

There's a good boy.

Leave the room immediately.

Kegusec, you heard me.
Leave the room.

Where is Kegusec?

Sir, he's been absent
for three days, sir.

Oh. He's absent, is he?

I see.

Very well, then. He's not here.

Don't try and be too clever
with me, Cordier.

I may look a complete fool,
but I am not, I assure you.

Not a complete... complete fool.

Now then, in order to prepare ourselves for
this essay on behaviour and responsibility,

which we will write tomorrow...

Wednesday, 23rd January.

...Wednesday, 23rd January,

we will begin by doing
a little oral revision.

However,

I would like first to address myself
to the boy who has for several days now

been providing musical accompaniments
to my lessons.

I would ask him for the last time
not to play his little game today.

However,

should this occur again,

that naughty boy will have to accept
the full consequences.

I see.

I see.

Er, Segudille.

Sir?

Segudille, would you describe to me
the state of mind of an honest man

after an honest day's work.

- He's tired, sir.
- He's tired, is he?

It seems then you've forgotten what we've
repeated at least twenty times in this class.

Does work tire you?
Tranche Bouby.

Work tires no one.

What tires one is laziness,
the mother of all vices.

Excellent, Tranche.
You shall have ten out of ten.

Yes, Segudille.

Work tires no one.

What tires one is laziness,
the mother of all vices.

And children, while we're about it,
let us remember that...

There is no profit
in ill-gotten gains.

Good. And that.

Money does not bring happiness.

Mm, excellent, excellent.

Yes, Segudille.

An honest man...

will be recompensed

by gaining the esteem
of all those who know him,

and their confidence in him
will be his best reward.

When he goes past, old men will say...

Leave the room immediately!

- It's not me! It's not me!
- It is you!

Leave the room, do you hear me?

Oh! So this...
This is the instrument, is it?

- Segudille.
- Sir?

I see you take my kindness for weakness

and my patience for blindness.

Beware of me, Segudille,

because inside this velvet hand
there is a glove of steel.

- A glove of s...
- Mr Topaze!

Come to my office immediately.

- Erm..
- What are you doing? Be quiet!

Go and play.
Go on. Off you go. Go on.

- Er, Headmaster, I'm...
- Come, Mr Topaze!

- ...in the middle of my...
- Come, come, come.

Come! Come! Come, come.

Headmaster,
perhaps it might be preferable...

- The Baroness would like a word with you.
- In the interest of the pupils...

I'm afraid it's a matter
that cannot be delayed. Get in.

Mr Topaze,

as you may or may not know,
since my poor son was widowed,

I have been in charge
of my grandson's education.

I have come here today
expressly to ask you

what you think of our youngest,
Algernon.

A sweet, well brought-up child.

Algernon thinks so highly of you,
my dear Mr Topaze,

that he has begged me to come
and ask you to give him private lessons.

That's very flattering.

Yes, I am deeply honoured, madam.

Excellent. You will come to my house
tomorrow evening,

and you can tell me then what you've decided
about the number of lessons required.

And the price.

Certainly, madam, certainly.

I may as well tell you now
when I'm free.

- Tomorrow evening, Mr Topaze.
- Oh. Very well.

Now I want to talk to you about
a small matter which is worrying me a little.

A mere bagatelle
which will soon be settled.

I have just received
my grandson's monthly report,

and I haven't dared to show it to anyone.

I explained to the Baroness

that there must've been a slight mistake
on the part of the secretary

who copied your notes.

Well, I... I don't imagine so, Headmaster,
since I have no secretary,

and I wrote the report by hand.

Madame, would you excuse us?

Yes, of course,
just for a moment.

The Baroness, who has just asked you
to give her grandson private lessons,

already has three boys in the school,

and I myself have certain obligations.

It is for these reasons
that I put it to you

that I will not be surprised

if there has been a slight mistake.

But Headmaster,

the marks that I have in this book
are the marks that I gave to the boy.

But Mr Topaze,

don't you see that that's impossible?

"English, nought. Arithmetic, nought.

"History, a quarter.
Deportment, nought."

Come, please look more closely,
Mr Topaze.

Look more closely.

Can't you see any mistake?

No, Headmaster, it's easy to see
that there are only noughts.

However, I will check with my notebook here
exactly where I put...

Listen to me, Mr Topaze.

I won't blame you
if you've made a mistake.

No.

Errare humanum est,

perseverare diabolicum.

Be so good as to recalculate
the boy's marks.

Yes, well,
it won't take me a moment. I'll...

Ah!

The Minister of Education
is dining with us on Wednesday night.

He and my son, the Baron,
are very great friends, you know?

They were at school together.

I believe he thinks very highly
of our friend, Mr Topaze,

but unfortunately he was not able
to confer on him

the Medal for Distinguished
Educational Services this year.

Oh! Well, I can assure you that Mr Topaze
will get his medal at the very first opportunity.

Oh! Do you hear, Topaze?

The Baroness says you will get your medal
at the very first opportunity.

Madam, I...
I don't know how to thank you.

Have you found the mistake?

Headmaster, there is no mistake.

Oh...!

Now, let us be logical about this,
Mr Topaze.

When the Baroness tells you
you will get your medal, you believe her,

yet when she tells you there must be
a mistake, you don't believe her!

Madam, I assure you
there cannot possibly be a mistake.

Here he had another nought yesterday
for mathematics.

There's no doubt about it -
the last in the class is Pitard Verniard.

And why is my grandson
bottom of the class?

Why is he bottom?

Because he keeps getting noughts.

But why does he keep getting noughts?

Yes, why?

Because, madam, he is basically
incapable of understanding the problem.

And why is he basically
incapable of understanding the problem?

- I will tell you!
- The Baroness will tell you.

My grandson
does not understand the problem

- because the whole thing is pre-arranged.
- Pre-arranged.

The problem was a sort of labyrinth

in which two workmen
were digging a rectangular ditch.

I shall say no more.

The Baroness will say no more.

Madam, having made such an accusation,
you must say more.

Please control yourself, Mr Topaze.

Do you deny that there is a boy
of the name of Gigon in your class?

No, madam, I would not deny
there is a boy of that name.

- What is his father's profession?
- I have no idea, ma'am.

The father of this boy Gigon
is an excavating engineer.

In the garden of this boy's house,
there is a rectangular ditch.

The problem was chosen to favour Gigon.

Madam, this is the first time that anyone
has ever doubted my integrity

which is unimpeachable, madam,
which is unimpeachable.

Madam, I can vouch for
the complete integrity of my colleague.

I hope that I can believe you.

But I will not believe that my grandson
was bottom of the class!

Will not believe
he was bottom of the class...

But Madam, that is a fact.

It may be a fact, but it's inexplicable.

- Please allow me to explain, madam.
- Huh!

You will explain. I'm listening.

Shh! The Baroness is listening.

- The boy is growing fast.
- So?

Physically, he is wavering
between two different moods.

Now then, sometimes he's talkative,

laughs out loud for no reason
and throws stink bombs.

This is what I would define
as the active mood.

In the second mood, madam,
he stares at me,

appears to be listening intently,

but in reality, he is asleep
with his eyes wide open, daydreaming,

and if I ask him a question,
he falls off his seat.

Be careful, Mr Topaze,
it is you who are daydreaming.

Madam, I speak in the boy's interest,

for the eyes of those nearest
do not always see everything.

And what is it that the eyes of those nearest
do not see?

Madam, look closely at your grandson.

He has a grubby face, ears which stick out,
pale lips and a shifty look.

- Oh!
- Huh!

I'm not saying his life is threatened
by any serious illness, no.

All I'm saying is, madam,
that he probably has adenoids or tapeworm

- or some hereditary illness.
- Oh...!

Or perhaps all three.

And what he needs
is sound medical supervision.

- This is outrageous!
- Dear lady, dear lady...

Mr Muche,

if this professional slanderer
remains in the school,

I shall remove all my grandsons
immediately!

And the Minister shall hear a great deal
about Mr Topaze.

As for the report,
what I think of it is this!

Argh! Madam!

Dear lady!

Dear lady!
Dear, dear Baroness!

Run! And ask the Baroness
to forgive you.

If you do not,
I will dismiss you immediately.

Immediately!

Please, Topaze.

My friend.

For the school.

Very well, Headmaster.

And remember, the future of the school
is in your hands, dear Topaze.

Headmaster,

- may I ask your advice?
- Hmm?

Come to my study at midday.

Pardon me for being so insistent, sir,
but I would like to speak to you immediately,

for I believe this to be the best moment.

All right, come!

- Erm...
- Yes, all right, all right, I'm listening.

I have a friend,

a young man, handsome, well-built,

who seems to me
to have good prospects.

My friend is in love with a young woman

who, for her part, is not indifferent
to my friend's charms

since she has given him
several encouragements.

Normally,
all this should end in marriage,

but there is a certain difference
in their social standing and finances.

My friend is a lieutenant,

whilst the girl
is the daughter of a general.

And here is my question:

If my friend were to make
a request to the general,

how do you think he'd be received?

This requires careful thought.

Is your friend a perfectly honest man?

He couldn't be more honest.

And is the general a kind,
generous-minded man?

Oh, yes.
He has a general's heart.

Then let your friend make his request.

I'm certain he will be received
with open arms.

- Well, you are the general.
- I? General?

The lieutenant is Topaze.

And the young woman
is the kind and beautiful Miss Muche.

What?
Topaze wants to marry my daughter?

- Yes!
- Have you all gone mad?

- But great love is akin to madness.
- Argh!

Think of Romeo and Juliet,
Paolo and Francesca.

Ernestine!

Dante and Beatrice...

Ernestine! Ernestine!

Ernestine!

What has Topaze been doing to you?

Well, nothing.

Well, I mean, if I can find some man who's
fool enough to do my homework for me,

I don't think that's any great sin.

But why him?

He likes to.

Tell me the truth!

What is there between you?

- Well, nothing.
- What?

Well, he does make eyes at me.

- Is that all?
- Yes, and he even tried to kiss me once.

Where?

- Here.
- In the classroom!

Where all the children could see you
and tell their parents.

You didn't go any further
with him, did you?

Really, for heaven's sake, Papa,
what do you take me for?

Headmaster, the Baroness refused
to listen to me until I found a mistake.

There is no mistake.

I cannot invent a mistake
which does not exist.

You are a disgrace to this school.

- Headmaster!
- You give free lessons,

you tell me you've enrolled a new pupil,
and then he's not allowed to come,

you stubbornly refuse to see a mistake
when a parent asks you,

you falsify the examination papers,

and on top of your stupidity
and bad behaviour,

you display the most scandalous lechery!

Lechery, sir?

Do you deny that here in this room
before the eyes of horrified children

you tried to dishonour my daughter?

I? Dishonour your daughter, sir?

It is only because I have the interests of the
school at heart that I do not call the police.

- But Headmaster...
- Leave the school immediately!

From this moment,
you cease to be a member of the staff.

Come, Ernestine.

Headmaster!

Miss Muche!

Headmaster!

Please allow...

Finch!

Finch! Woo-hoo!

- Finch!
- You rang, madam?

Put candles all over the dining room.

We must look beautiful tonight
for the Comte de Berville.

We shall, madame, we shall.

Must we, in the 20th century...

Darling, my show opens next week,
and I want 150,000 francs.

- Just like that?
- Just like that.

- Ha-ha...
- What do you mean, "Ha-ha"?

I mean, "Ha-ha."
I haven't got that much, my pussycat.

This pussycat can scratch pretty badly.
Don't you forget it.

Ah! I like that.

You can have anything you like from me,
my darling, anything.

- Anything?
- Uh-huh, but not 150,000.

- I simply haven't got it.
- Don't lie to me, Regis.

What about a certain little roadsweeper
swindle you're presenting to the city council?

What about it?

If our friend Roger de Berville is going
to co-operate tonight, as he usually does,

it will bring you in almost a million.

But that million is not a million, my angel.

Tell your angel what it is.

Think of the many bribes
I have to shower left, right and centre.

And this time, I have some additional
very difficult customers -

- the roadsweepers' union.
- How do they come in?

If the city council adopts
mechanical roadsweepers,

it will make a few hundred men
unemployed.

And the union officials
will have to be persuaded

that nothing must stand in the way of
progress. Please help me with this collar.

- And your cash will do the persuading?
- Yes.

Ah, believe me, I wish I could find
50,000 for you somewhere.

- 150.
- I thought you said 50.

- You heard what I said.
- All right, I heard what you said,

but I promise you,
I can't give you more than 50.

And I promise you
that if you don't give me 150,

I'll never set foot in here again.

You know, my dear Regis,
you're one of the few people I really envy.

Come on, Roger,
you flatter me.

Not at all, my dear fellow.

You have an enviable social position,

magnificent castle,

and a beautiful, shall we say,
companion in life.

But you, my dear fellow, you have a name,
a most honourable name.

And right now it looked pretty impressive
on the tender for the roadsweepers.

I've always been interested
in mechanical locomotion.

I know your interests, my dear fellow.
I know them well.

By the way,
I have all the documents with me.

- You can sign after dinner.
- Oh, with pleasure.

They are all right, I presume?

Yes! Everything's all right.

Then I can relax.

- That's my shot, I believe.
- Huh?

Oh...
How silly of me.

I must confess,

I was a bit worried about my 100,000.

- What 100,000?
- I want 100,000 for the roadsweeper deal.

Your turn, Regis.

Swine!

You are a swine! A traitor!

Don't get excited, Regis.
I have you by the throat, and you know it.

Tonight is the deadline for that deal.

Damn you!

- You little nobody!
- Cigarette?

You're trying to blackmail me.

- You forget who I am!
- Oh, no, I don't.

Excuse me.

You are a municipal councillor
of the city of Paris

who's simply taking advantage
of his political position

in order to vote the purchase
of heaven knows what...

What?

...and then supplies
the same heaven knows what

through the intermediary of a stooge.

And I am that stooge.

Have I got it right?

It's all you can do.
Stooge, sign your name.

Mm, but what a name!
Roger Gaétan de Berville.

- One of the oldest families of France.
- One of the shabbiest families of France!

Sir!

I will not allow you to insult the Bervilles.

Wait! Roger! Wait, please!
I've got to talk to you.

- Take your hands off me!
- Please, Roger.

Will you please take your hands off me?

- Roger, please, I want to talk to you.
- Will you take your hands off me?

All right, I take my hands off you,
but please listen to me.

Roger, I trusted you like my own brother.

- It was I who put you on your feet.
- That's your story.

No, it's your story.
It's your life story, Roger de Berville.

Your car.
How did you get your car?

That was the new electric lighting
for the slaughterhouse.

And those black pearls that you are wearing?
That was the new refrigerator for the morgue.

And your apartment? Ha-ha!

Well, the less said about that, the better.
And now you have the affrontery...

- Hello, Roger.
- Suzy!

Don't pay any attention to him.

You know,
he can't help making speeches.

Darling, don't get so excited,
it's bad for your blood pressure.

How nice to see you!
You look simply divine.

Oh, thank you, thank you, Roger.

Well, you know,
healthy life in the country.

- Early nights.
- Early nights? You?

Oh, don't say it.
You're breaking my heart.

Apropos heart,
I'm appealing to yours.

Come now, Roger, won't you...
Won't you make a little sacrifice?

Must we tolerate that a man has to perform
the degrading task of roadsweeping...?

Do we have to listen to your entire speech
to the city council?

Roger, if you find the city council
a laughing matter,

we have obviously
nothing further to say to each other.

- Goodbye.
- Oh, darling, don't be so petty.

I'm a freely elected
representative of the people.

I cannot allow democracy to be insulted.

100,000 he wants. No!

I cannot talk with a power-mad
raving idiot! Excuse me.

Oh, please, please, gentlemen,
don't behave like two schoolchildren.

- You'll ruin everything in a minute.
- Oh, let him go.

- Yes, and my show with him.
- Who cares about your damn show?

I do! Roger!

Let him go, let him go!
Let him starve at some street corner.

- You, sir!
- Don't worry about me, sir!

But you, sir,
you get the hell out of here.

Sir, in your family it may be the custom
to get the hell out,

in mine we take our leave.

Well, take your leave
and then get the hell out of here!

Oh!

So now what are we going to do?

- What can I do? The deal's off.
- Hmm, so is my show.

Yes, so it is.
Everything's off. It's all off.

Oh, come on, come on, come on,
you must think of something.

Surely you know
plenty of other people who will sign.

Not so simple to find the right person.

Why don't you get hold of Melaval?

Oh, that crook? Huh!

He's much too expensive
since I got him his knighthood.

What about Faubert?

- Ideal!
- Well...

No, he's in prison.

We must get hold of someone.

It shouldn't be that difficult.

If I found somebody...
would you back my show?

- Huh! If you found the right man? Yes, yes.
- Mm.

- That's a deal.
- Huh! What are you doing?

I'm getting my shoes,
and I'm going to bring you the man you want.

Ah! Please don't let it be
another blackmailer.

Oh, don't worry. The man I have in mind
doesn't even know that word. Ha!

Maybe he knows another word.

- Madam.
- Madame.

Mr Topaze,
does he live here at school?

No Mr Topaze.
No, madam, Mr Topaze does not live here.

- Oh.
- He lives with Mr and Mrs Tamise.

Oh, good.

He doesn't work here anymore.

Oh, that's wonderful!

- What's his address, please?
- 15 Rue Saint Louis.

15 Rue Saint Louis.
Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Mr Topaze.
- Come in, Mr Topaze, come in.

Darling, let me introduce you
to Mr Topaze.

- Mr Castel Benac.
- I'm extremely honoured, sir.

The honour is mine.

- Please sit down, Mr Topaze.
- Thank you.

Yes, please come and sit.

- Er, would you like a drink?
- Yes, please.

Madame has been telling me
that you are a real jewel.

- Yes.
- Oh, really?

And Mr Castel Benac would like...
would like to make use of that jewel.

Oh. Thank you.

- There you are.
- Thank you, darling.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

This is very good.

- Yes, isn't it?
- Thank you.

Er, Mr Topaze, what are your
average earnings as a teacher?

- Oh, you are the teacher?
- Yes.

Er, well, I earn approximately
1,200 francs a month.

Of course, a teacher
has certain clothing expenses,

but when one earns that amount...

- Yeah, yeah, that's certainly very good.
- Yes, yes.

Money isn't everything, but one is
nonetheless happy to possess a little.

Well said, well said.

We're all in the same position,
you know?

He's an idiot, I like him.

The post Mr Castel Benac is offering you
is going to bring in much more.

Well, not much more, but a little more.
Yes, a little more.

I could offer you a basic salary
and a commission on each deal.

On an average, you'd be earning
2,500 francs.

- A month?
- Yes, a month.

- For myself?
- For yourself.

For lessons in what?

Er, Mr Topaze, I don't think
you'll have to give any kind of le...

Oh, Mr Topaze! Are you all right?

- Oh, I... I hope you're all right.
- Yes. No.

- Did you hurt yourself? No?
- Dinner is served, madam.

Oh, Mr Topaze, please,
would you like to stay for dinner with us?

- Yes, please stay.
- Nothing special, but we'd be so glad.

Just a frugal meal.

I realise that you've never been downstairs
in this castle, have you?

- No, I...
- No.

- Well, I think you'll like it.
- No, no, it's very beautiful.

- It's really lovely.
- Er, excuse me...

May I look at you for a moment?

- If you wish, sir, yes.
- Yeah.

Fine, fine. I like your eyes.
They're good, honest eyes.

- Thank you.
- Come along.

Er, tell me, have you any family?

No, sir, I'm completely alone in the world.

Good, that's perfect.

- I mean, that's very sad, but that's life.
- Yes.

How about women. Hmm?

- Women?
- Surely you have a mistress, haven't you?

Or some little girls tucked away somewhere,
hmm, hmm?

Naughty boy!

No, sir, no, no.
You see, one day I hope to marry,

and when that day comes,
I shall approach my wife untarnished.

Oh, that's good. That's very good, yes.
Your wife should be very pleased.

- Now come along, my dear Topaze.
- Come in, gentlemen.

You don't mind me calling you
"my dear Topaze", do you?

- It would be an honour.
- Why don't we sit down there?

Thank you.

For what we are about to receive...

may the Lord make us truly grateful.

Well now, I'm going to start
a new company.

In Paris, of course.

And as I'm overladen with work,
I need an assistant.

The company will bear his name,

and he will be, in fact,
the managing director.

It's a wonderful thought,
but I'm afraid you rather overestimate me.

Oh, no, no, no.
Mr Topaze, you're a teacher.

Come on, my dear Topaze,
you know how to dictate.

- Exactly!
- Yes. I know how to dictate, yes.

Well, that's all you'll have to do -

dictate the correspondence to the
secretaries and then correct their spelling.

Oh! Well, I could certainly
take care of their spelling.

And you know
how to sign your name, don't you?

Oh, yes, yes.

I don't have a particularly beautiful signature,
but it's very difficult to copy.

None of my pupils
has ever been able to copy it.

Excellent! Then you will sign
instead of me, that's all.

- I see.
- Well, now...

To your future, my dear Topaze.

Thank you.
Thank you very much indeed.

- What are you waiting for?
- Shh...

- Cigar?
- Oh! No, thank you, I don't smoke.

Now, Topaze, are you quite sure
we should start you off so soon?

Oh, yes, you start me off straight away.

Don't hesitate!

- Excellent, excellent!
- Don't hesitate!

Just as you say.
Well, first I'll give you my cheque.

Topaze...

Erm...

- Albert.
- Albert.

Albert. Are you happy, Albert?

Madam, I've never been so happy
since I don't remember when.

I'm so happy.

Do you think it would be all right

if I took one of those cigars home
for my friend Tamise?

- Oh, please help yourself.
- Oh, but of course.

He loves cigars.
It's very sweet of you.

Here we are.
The cheque for you, my dear Albert.

2,500 francs.

It's your commission on the deal
and a month's salary in advance.

2,500 francs.

What's the matter?

Madam, it seems strange to me that
people should offer such a well-paid position

to a man who is incapable of fulfilling it.

- But I've told you...
- You've not told me everything, Mr Benac.

Huh?

There's something
you're hiding from me,

- and I know, I think, what it is.
- What are you talking about?

Madam,

I feel that this story of a company

- is a disguised way of...
- Of what?

Well, of offering me charity.

My dear Topaze, my dear Albert,
you are completely mistaken.

I give you my word of honour
that you can truly render me great services.

- Can't he?
- Yes, he can.

Really on your word of honour,
Mr Benac?

I trust you like my own brother.
There!

Well, I'm so happy.

I... How can I show my gratitude to you?

Well, I'll tell you how.
You just sign and keep quiet.

I sign and keep quiet, yes.

Yes, in business
the first lesson one learns is discretion.

Oh, yes, I understand that.

Well, now sign, my dear Topaze,

and underneath your name
you put "Managing Director".

Yes. Er...

Sign. Sign.

Madam, sir,

I would just like to say
that I am deeply grateful...

- Right.
- ...and I'm very, very, very moved.

Right, you sign here.

Here, yes.

Albert Topaze.

Wonderful, wonderful!

Wonderful, thank you very much,
my dear Director.

Topaze Limited.

It will look splendid on a brass plate
in the heart of Paris, huh?

Managing Director in the heart of Paris.

- Mr Roger de Berville.
- Oh.

Mr de Berville.

To what do I owe
the pleasure of your visit?

I'm rather interested
in your business, Mr Topaze.

Oh, well, I'm very pleased to hear it.

I'm a bit of a novice, but I'm doing my best
to catch up on the gaps in my education.

Mm, so I see.

- Er... cigar?
- No, thanks.

Oh.

Erm, did you want something?

No.

Well then, er... back to work.

Remember, work tires no one.

What tires one is laziness,
the mother of all vices.

Oh, Mr Topaze,
you are a wit.

Commercial law,

engineering,

local administration.

That's rather telling, isn't it?

What do you mean by "telling"?

I assume that you're the one that's
supplying roadsweepers to the city council.

Am I right?

Sir, the first lesson
one learns in business

is that discretion is essential.

Especially for those kinds of deals.

Perhaps, perhaps, who knows?

I think you'll find your cigar will draw better
if you pierce the end.

Oh, yes.

You realise that I know all
about the roadsweepers.

I even know someone
who would be sitting in your chair

if he'd been willing to work
at a cut-price like you.

Like me, at a cut-price?

Oh!

That's a good one. That is a good one.

Just between ourselves,
how much are you getting out of it?

- 2,500 francs.
- You're joking, of course.

I am not joking.

My dear sir!

I agree that in business
it's often a good thing to pretend to be stupid,

but really, I think
you're carrying it a little far.

Mr de Berville,

that was a rude and untimely remark.

It would do well if you were
to reflect a little before speaking.

Would you please leave the room.

Certainly.

Before I go, I thought
you might like to read this.

It's the monthly report of the city council.

You'll find underlined in red
the sums of money paid by the council

for schemes recommended
by Castel Benac.

I invite you to compare them

with the figures on the files
that you keep in this office.

But why should I do that?

Well, if the teaching profession
hasn't completely finished you,

you'll soon learn that these sums of money
all end up in Castel Benac's pockets.

But that's stealing.

Yes.

That's right.

Well, I think I'll leave you to your reading.

I'm sure it will help
to fill the gaps in your education.

"Repainting the exterior of the Eiffel Tower."

Huh!

♪ I like money,
and I'm not ashamed to say so

♪ Although it sounds
unfeminine and brash

♪ The pound, the franc, the yankee dollar,
and the peso

♪ The language doesn't matter
if it's all hard cash

♪ I like money

♪ Though it's usually presented
as the root of all unhappiness and strife

♪ Well, I should care if millionaires
are troubled and tormented

♪ I hope I have that kind of trouble
all my life

♪ I like money

♪ And I simply have to quarrel

♪ With a certain slogan I do not believe

♪ You cannot take it with you,
how absurd and how immoral

♪ I'm going to take it with me,
or I just won't leave

♪ Just give me lots and lots of money,
overflowing pots of money

♪ I like money

♪ That's all ♪

- Yeah?
- Oh, er, Miss Courtrois' dressing room.

- Downstairs.
- Thank you.

Come in, yes.

Albert!

- Miss Courtrois!
- Excuse me.

What is he doing here?

Miss Courtrois,
do you know who Mr Benac is?

Huh? And who am I, Albert?

He is nothing more than a common crook,
and his place is in prison.

Albert! How can you?

I'm going to the Chief of Police.

He's mad. He's dangerous.
We must do something.

Leave him to me.
I'll deal with him.

Mr Topaze. Albert.

Please, please don't go.
Come with me.

Albert, I must talk to you.

What do you wish... oh!

Albert! Albert, what are you doing?

Shh!
Shh! For God's sake!

Quiet, Albert!

- Do you want to ruin me?
- You?

Yes, me, me, me.

- You're not in league with him, are you?
- Oh, yes. Yes, I am.

I didn't tell you everything.

- What do you wish to tell me?
- Everything, everything.

How I became involved.

Oh, please...
Please, will you listen to me?

I am listening, madame.

Mr Castel Benac was the executor
of my father's will.

I put my whole fortune in his hands,

and he started investing my money.

From time to time,
he gave me papers to sign.

And you signed?

Better you should cut off your right hand.

I know. But I signed without knowing,
just like you did.

Yes, that's true. Just like me.

I realise now, I should have denounced him
the moment I found out.

But I'm scared.

I'm a woman at the mercy
of a dangerous man.

What else can I do...

but seek help?

Why did you choose me?

Because the moment I saw you,
I was struck by your manly face.

I thought you could protect me.

You're the only one who can outwit him.

Stay with him, work with him, watch him,

and when you find out
his weak moment, strike!

I will strike, madam, I will strike.

Oh yes, but not yet, please.

Be very friendly with him,

and stay close to me.

Oh, I need you so much.

I will stay close to you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Ten minutes, Miss Courtrois.
- Oh yes, my next number. I must change.

Come with me, and apologise
to Mr Castel Benac... for my sake.

Very well, for your sake.

Mr Topaze is very sorry, Regis.
There has been a misunderstanding.

What are you talking about?
A misunderstanding?

There has been a misunderstanding!
Don't argue!

He's ready to sign now
and carry on as before.

- Aren't you, Mr Topaze?
- Yes, I have all the papers here,

and I'll sign them now if you wish.

Ah.

Are you sure you're quite all right,
Topaze?

You said some very strange things
a few moments ago.

He is fine!

I'm... I'm all right now, thank you.
I'm sorry, I...

- All right. We'll let it pass, hmm?
- Please.

- We'll let it pass.
- Thank you.

Sit down and sign.

Headmaster!

Headmaster, look!

Topaze!

I'm so glad for him!

So, er... at last!

I always thought he'd come through.

- What's this? Roadsweepers...
- Yes, yes.

- Topaze?
- Yes.

- And his photo in print?
- Yes.

- It looks like him, too.
- He's gone a long way, our Topaze.

He's a success.

- I always thought he would be a success.
- Yes.

- Something must be done about it.
- Yes.

Something will be done about it.

Oh, come in, Mr Topaze.
Miss Courtrois is in the drawing room.

Thank you very much.

Yes, darling, I know Albert
is an idiot, but he's not dangerous anymore.

And I can handle him.
Don't worry.

All right, see you tonight.

Bye-bye.

Oh. Hello, Albert.

How wonderful to see you.

I've just been speaking to Regis about you.

Please don't pretend, madam.

I overheard some of your conversation.

Does it make you feel any happier?

You are a cruel and deceitful woman.

That's not true, Albert.

I'm your friend,
and that's why I chose you.

Because I had such a manly face.

Because you are so kind.

Because I saw you were poor.

Why should
a poor man interest you?

Because I've known poverty myself.

You see,
my real name is Magda Németh,

and where I come from,

people boil mashed corn
and eat it day after day,

all their lives.

And to forget their hunger, they dream.

My dream was Paris.

So was mine.

So here we are.

Only when I arrived,
I had one pair of stockings.

And they were...
But I had beautiful legs.

So I offered them to the highest bidder.

How degrading.

Topaze, come on, let's face it.

The whole life is an auction.

Men offer their brains or their muscles.

Women offer themselves.

It's all the same.

Oh, come on, don't let me get
into one of my Hungarian moods.

- It all could be much worse.
- Hmm.

Cheer up, Topaze.

Castel Benac has great things
in store for you.

Yes.

Here are the monthly accounts.

You must excuse me
coming in unannounced,

but there was no one in the office.

I'm sorry.
We've been rather busy today.

Have I the pleasure
of speaking to Mr Topaze?

- Yes, you have. How do you do?
- How do you do?

- Er, can I help you?
- I'm afraid not, sir.

- Cigar?
- No, thank you.

I've not come to ask your help
but to offer mine.

Oh?

Er... sit down, please.

Er... may I inquire who you are?

Who I am?

An old philosopher with a weakness
for taking an interest in other people.

I see. Hmm.

And what makes you think
that I am interesting?

Next week's edition
of "The Public Conscience".

The editor has made a very serious inquiry
into this unsavoury affair,

and next week, half a million readers
will learn the truth about Topaze.

This is my photograph!

The first duty of the press
is to keep an eye on morals

and to denounce any abuses.

- Have you nothing to say?
- No, what can I say?

Now, sir, you're not just going to wait
for the scandal to burst about your ears?

Think, sir.

Honour is our most precious attribute

and worth every sacrifice.

Come now, can't you guess
what you must do?

Sir, I hardly dare put a meaning
to your words.

Then dare, sir, dare!

And you honestly mean
that if I did that,

this edition would not appear?

I give you my word.
It'll be a first class burial.

Come, sir, make an effort.
Kill yourself.

- Now?
- Certainly. The sooner the better.

- What, in front of you?
- Yes, of course, in front of me.

N-Now, but before you do anything serious,
I think you should inform Mr Castel Benac.

- After all, you are in his pay.
- Yes.

Castel Benac, please.

I should be
most interested in his answer.

Topaze here.

There's a gentleman in my office
who knows all our secrets,

and he's asking me...
no, not money, no.

- He's asking me to kill myself.
- What's he saying?

He said could we postpone the execution

and meet him in an hour
at the Café Grandval.

- Oh, yes. All right.
- Yes, he said all right, yes.

Good afternoon, Mr Benac.

How much do you want?

Half a million. The "Conscience"
has half a million readers.

So you are from that rag.
Why didn't you tell me?

Does Mr Vernacle know
that I'm in the game?

Yes, he told me to speak to Mr Topaze.

Mm, he's not so stupid.

Well, come on, we'll sort it all out.

Tell me, is this your first go at blackmail?

Oh, sir, do I look like a beginner?

The old routine, huh? First threaten them
with suicide and then make them pay.

Elysée 2-3-5-5-6.

Come in, Topaze,
it will be a lesson for you.

Mr Vernacle?
Good afternoon. Castel Benac.

Well now, my dear Vernacle... huh?

Oh, not too bad, old chap.
And you? Good.

I say, I have here a venerable old gentleman
who's been sent by you.

I find his price a bit steep.

All right. You're making a mistake
threatening an old friend.

Wait a moment.

Perhaps you could make use of another
little piece of inside information.

Listen.

Did you ever know an apprentice printer

who in November 1920
ran away with his employer's cashbox?

All right, all right, just as you say.

And your son Victor, is he well?

Good. A charming boy.

Goodbye.
I pass you your friend now.

Hello?

And you too, Mr Vernacle.

Well now, that's fixed.

And very well fixed, sir.
My compliments.

Well now, all that remains
is for me to withdraw.

Listen now, one more word.

Would you do me the favour
of leaving us backwards?

- Why?
- Because if you turn your back on me,

I couldn't resist the temptation
to kick your behind.

As you wish, by all means.

Certainly, sir, yes.

Good day, gentlemen.
Thank you very much.

Any you... I'll see you later.

Mr Benac...

My dear friend.

I am so happy to see you.

I am indeed enchanted.

I'm in Paris for a headmasters' conference,
and I could not resist the opportunity

of coming to congratulate you
on your success.

- Success?
- Yes, of course.

Oh, here in Paris everything is wonderful.

And here every morning at eight o'clock,
I get a pleasurable sensation

as I see three roadsweepers
pass the front of my modest hotel,

and on three gleaming bonnets
there sparkles your name, "Topaze".

Well, I tell you, when I see them pass,
I bow to them.

There's nothing to bow to, Headmaster.

Ah, come, come!
You always were a modest fellow.

Tell me,
are you earning a lot of money?

I've become nothing more than a crook.

Oh, come! Are you, er...
Are you earning a lot of money?

- I'm earning far too much money.
- Huh!

There is a beautiful reply -
"far too much money".

Well, I always knew it.

How many times
have I said to my family,

"That fellow will go far"?

And it was only out of pure friendship
that on the day you asked to leave us,

I did not try to make you stay.

And now, my dear Topaze, I must talk to you
about a matter very close to my heart.

I'm a father, my dear Topaze,
an unhappy father.

Is Miss Muche ill?

She is suffering from an incurable illness -
her heart.

- Well, she should see a specialist.
- Huh! He stands before me.

Yes! Yes, alas, yes.

In those days when you were
the flower of our school,

little did you realise that at your feet
lay the heart of this poor child.

Love had brushed her with his wing,

and I, the blind father,
I did not understand,

but since you have been away from us,
her sadness almost breaks my heart.

She stands dreaming by the fireplace.

She has grown thin,
and at last she told me all.

That, my dear Topaze,
is the confession of a father.

Say nothing you may regret later.

She's out there waiting now,
with anguish in her heart.

Headmaster,

when I asked for your daughter's hand,
you threw me out.

- But you did ask for my daughter's hand?
- Yes.

It's yours.

Ernestine!

Henri!

Henri!

My name is Albert.

- Oh! Uh...
- Miss Muche!

Oh, Albert, do not touch me.

We're all alone.
Do not take advantage of the situation.

Miss Muche! Please, please, Miss Muche,
I'm not the fool that I used to be.

- Oh, Albert, what are you doing?
- I'm not doing anything.

You must not take advantage
of me like this.

I'm not trying to take advantage of you,
Miss Muche. This game is useless.

- Oh, my modest darling.
- Please, Miss Muche.

- Oh, dear Albert!
- Your buttons!

- Oh, dear Albert!
- Miss Muche!

Oh, Albert, it is all right.
Papa has given us his blessing.

Miss Muche.

No.

No.

Albert...

Yes!

Yes.

Miss Muche...

Would you kindly leave?

- Leave?
- Yes.

You filthy little crook!

Oh, well...

Please allow me to explain.
I can explain...

My dear Topaze,
there is nothing to explain.

I didn't want to talk to you in the café,

but I really think the best thing
would be for us to separate.

It's not your fault that you're not exactly
bright, so I want us to part as friends.

And I have a little farewell present for you.
There.

Better get some of those files.

- Can't you guess what it is?
- No.

The decoration that Regis applied for
on your behalf.

- You mean I have it officially?
- Ha!

Nothing more official than that.

And now, Topaze, what would you say
to a nice teaching post, huh?

No, thank you.

Oh. Do you perhaps want
a small pension?

No, I don't want a small pension.

Oh! A large pension then.

Really, he's perhaps
not as stupid as he looks.

Come on, tell us what you want.

I want to stay here.

- To do what?
- Prove myself.

I should have thought
you have already done that sufficiently.

No.

I'm just beginning to understand
how the wheels go round.

- A Mr Obisulay is here.
- Right, coming.

- Would you let me see him?
- What for? To ruin the deal? Please!

Regis, give him one more chance.

But darling, it's dangerous.

He's had chance after chance.

Please, just one more.

Darling... be generous.

All right. But put on that medal of yours
to give you some assurance.

Give it to me.

Get him quickly out of the way.
The Chief of Police will be waiting for us.

- The Chief of Police?
- Yes.

For dinner.

Yes.

Yes.

Good luck.

Mr Obisulay?

I don't believe we've met.

My name is Topaze.
How do you do?

Please.

Thank you.

So nice to meet you, Mr Obisulay.

He has certainly got a nerve.

I haven't seen the man for six whole months,
and now he's late.

It's not his fault if you've been away
on a goodwill tour of Africa.

I ruin my health touring the underdeveloped
countries, trying to help.

Help who?

Please! And he? I told him to be here
at 2:00pm, and now it's 4:30!

Where is he?

- If you keep on shouting, I think I shall go.
- Yes, please go.

There is no need for you to wait.
It's just the monthly accounts I have to settle.

- You'd be very pleased if I left, wouldn't you?
- Huh?

Then you'd be able
to keep that London deal from me.

What London deal?
I don't know what you're talking about.

Then why do you want me to go?

Because when you're not there, I can be
more free with my language, that's why.

And Mr Topaze badly needs
a dressing-down.

- Why?
- "Why"?

Because he's getting damn cheeky,
our schoolteacher.

- And it's all your fault!
- My fault?

Yes, your fault,
right from the beginning.

You taught him how to dress,
you taught him how to eat,

you gave him a taste for good food,
and now?

My goodness, he's got
the self-assurance and the energy

of well-nourished people like us!

Mr Topaze.

It is almost 4:45.

No, it's 4:32.

Madam, you are grace and charm itself.

Thank you, Mr Topaze.

- What can I do for you?
- First settle the monthly accounts,

and then I have something
I would like to say to you.

Right. I owe you for the last six months
a total sum of 3,246,753 francs.

- Right, that figure agrees with mine.
- Good.

Does that include the London deal?

- Yes, what is this, this London deal?
- It's a strictly personal matter.

- What do you mean, "personal"?
- I mean that it doesn't concern you.

- What?
- Please sit down.

- I will not sit down.
- Don't sit down, then.

- Cigarette?
- Yes.

No! What is this London deal?

Let me put a few figures before you.

The company has earned over
the last ten months 16,842,753 francs.

The running expenses
amount to 6,000,000.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- You have therefore made a profit

of over 10,000,000.

Excellent business while it lasted.
What a lovely view.

But now it's all over. From now on,
the company will belong to me,

all the profits will go to me.
It's as simple as that.

Very funny.

Do you imagine
that you own this company?

I don't imagine, I do.

The lease is in my name,
the company is in my name.

Everything is legally mine.

Everything is legally his.
What?

- But that's theft!
- Then you take it to court.

Say something, for goodness' sake!

I will!

Oh, my God.

There's very little else he can say, madam.

Listen, without me,
you'd still be at Muche's school.

I taught you everything.
I trusted you like...

Yes, like your own brother.

But you earn 10,000,000, Regis.
No pupil ever brought me in such a sum.

No! No, I can't believe it.

I've seen you at work, Regis,
and I've been able to judge you.

You're a crook, I agree,
but you're a little one with no imagination.

What shall we say?
A sort of second-rate jack of all trades.

Well?

- Blast!
- Is that all you have to say?

What can I say to a bandit?

You... you are a bandit!

Very witty!

- Oh, you! You shut up!
- What?

I'm beginning to think
that you two are in it together.

You money-grabbing little...

I picked you up in the gutter, remember?
That's where you belong.

- What did you say?
- Exactly what I said.

- Haven't you sponged enough on me?
- You...

Well, if you two are going to discuss
intimacies, I think I'd better leave.

Madam.

You...

Don't you imagine it'll be as easy as all that!

Laugh! Laugh! But he who laughs last,
laughs loud... er, loudest.

- Good, good.
- I'll go straight away to the Chief of Police.

That would greatly surprise me.

And you? You'll be back where you
came from - in the gutter! I'll see to that.

Get out!

- Whom are you telling to get out?
- You.

I paid for all this, every single piece
of furniture, every poodle.

It's entirely irrelevant.
You were told to get out.

I could use violence.
But I won't.

When I choose, I'll make you pay for your...
your... your... well, you know what.

For the moment, I prefer to laugh at it.

Thank you.

Oh, it was a great pleasure,
I assure you,

but I have the feeling
that you'll finally forgive him.

Oh, really?

What are you going to do
now that you are on your own?

Well, I've been on my own
for the last six months.

I have four contracts
with the British Admiralty,

a French invention, which should greatly
enhance the reputation of our country.

So, for a mere schoolteacher,
I suppose I haven't done at all badly.

Oh, no, not at all.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye.

Perhaps I'll see you sometimes around.

Yes, perhaps.

Paris is a very small place.

Tamise!

Topaze!

- Topaze!
- Tamise!

Oh, how wonderful it is to see you.

Oh, you old devil, you haven't changed
one tiny little bit.

Well, you have!
You've got an overcoat at last.

- And the beard, it is different.
- Yes.

Well, a lot of things are different.

Well, that's fine, too, as long as
the man himself is still the same.

Yes.

Topaze, you haven't changed, have you?

It's suggested in the newspapers
that you are dishonest.

- Well...
- Well...

Why don't you write to the papers
and deny it?

It's true.

- Topaze, you're making fun of me.
- Listen, Tamise.

Everything I've done since I left the school
is punishable by law,

and if the world were properly organised,
I'd be in prison right now.

- I don't believe it.
- Would I lie to you?

But how can you have changed so much?

You were the most honest man
I've ever known.

Yes.

And it lost me the only thing I ever cared for,
my job at the school.

Now I'm a so-called crook, I'm rich,

and that, believe you me,
is the only thing that gains one respect.

- That's not true.
- Oh, yes, it is.

- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.

- I will not...
- Tamise, you're talking like an idiot.

Why don't you open your eyes
and look at the world as it really is

instead of living
in that dream world of yours.

You'll find that money can do anything.

If I want a set of gold teeth,
permission to eat meat on Fridays,

any woman I like,
I've only got to say two small words:

"How much?"

And has your money
bought you happiness?

Has it bought me happiness?

I'm buying it now.

Oh, I see.

Well, I'll leave you to get on
with your shopping.

Tamise...