I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990) - full transcript

Thou, who dwelleth beneath our feet,

raise thyself from thy evil seat.

O Evil One, in whom we trust...

come forth now from out the dust.

Upon thy countenance we wish to gaze.

From hell to earth we wish to raise.

O Ahriman, hear this knell.

Come forth now, O Prince of Hell!

The time is nigh,

so draw thee near.

From the bowels of Hades



now appear.

In whose name blood must be shed...

arise, O Ahriman,

lord of the--

Surprise!

It's the last time
they're gonna picnic on our patch.

All right.

Let's go.

You advertised
a slightly damaged commando.

- You still got it?
- Yeah.

I got a lot of people
interested in that one.

It's round back if you want a butcher's.
Have to make your mind up quick though.

I've got a bloke coming back
this afternoon who's more than interested.

So, what's the damage?



To you? One and a half grand.

No. I mean what's wrong with it?

Oh, not much.
A bit of damage to the tank. That's all.

Otherwise, one careful owner...
now deceased.

Low mileage, full service history, taxed.

Usual stuff.

There she is.

Yeah.

It's got a bloody great hole in it.

Like I said, a bit of damage to the tank.

Probably a stone on the motorway.
You know what these roadworks are like.

Otherwise, she's in concourse condition.

- Looks like a lot of work to me.
- No. It's not as bad as it looks.

How much you say it was?

To you? One and a half grand.

One and a half grand's a bit heavy
for a crashed bike.

No, the bike's not been crashed.

The last owner didn't die on it.

Had an accident... with a crossbow.

What's all this stuff
on the engine block then?

Don't know.

Looks like HP Sauce to me.

All right. I'll give you a grand for it.

Leave it out!

I had to pay more than that for it.
No. 1,500's the asking price.

-1,100 cash.
- Done.

Oh. Right, well, I'll pick it up tonight.
Six o'clock then.

Right you are then, my son.

- What did you say your name was?
- Oddie. Nick Oddie.

Me friends call me Noddy.

Sorry. where's that to go?

Right. we'll send somebody over to you
right away.

- Did you get it then?
- Yeah.

Clive! Sorry to disturb you.

Gotta pick it up at 6:00. I'll have
to ask Buzzer if I can borrow the van.

- Why? can't you ride it?
- It needs a bit of work doing to it.

Oh, God.
I hope you didn't pay a fortune for it.

Hello. warhead Dispatch.

600 quid.

How much?

All right.

Watch your feet.

Come on now.

- I'll go and tell Kim we're back.
- All right.

Here we are. There it is.

- What d'you think?
- It's not bad, not bad at all.

Fancy that Hoxton's job
in between your legs, do you, Kim? Hey?

Piss off, Buzzer.

- It's got no petrol cap.
- Hey?

- I'm sure it had when we picked it up.
- No, it didn't.

It never had. No. Never had one.

Give us a hand to get it in the workshop.
we'll get started on it straightaway.

- Here you are.
- Oh, ta.

- Here you go.
- Thanks, Kim.

- How's it going?
-well, it still needs a new tank.

But we should be able to get it to turn
over with what's left in the fuel line.

- Come on. Let's hear it runnin' then.
- Yeah.

Right.

Very impressive.

- You sure you got enough fuel in there?
- Yeah. There's definitely some.

Maybe you got a blockage in the pipe,
or something.

Yeah.

I mean, didn't you try
and start it up in the shop?

No, not really.

Oh, God, Noddy.
Sometimes you're a complete plonker!

Look, there's nothing wrong
with this bike. It was a real bargain.

Oh, yeah. You parted with 600 quid
for a bike that won't start.

- How much?
- I had to knock him down a bit.

What, with a sledgehammer?

All right, Einstein.
Never mind about the price.

If you're so bloody clever,
you get it started.

All right, all right, don't have a go at me or nothin'.
I'll get it started all right.

It's almost there now.

I can see the problem.
I think I can fix it.

Bollocks!

Got cut.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah. I'll live.

Come on then, Noddy. Kick it over.

Yeah! See? I told you it was all right.

Yeah, well, it may sound all right,
but does it actually go?

You can never bloody satisfy her.

I wouldn't mind havin' a go.

Good morning.

What's big, hard, and hairy

and stickin' out my pajamas?

Your head.

You fancy a Donald?

No.

All right.

How about a nice cup of tea?

- That'd be nice.
- Good.

Make me one while you're at it, will you?

Oh, look. Here's the petrol cap.

I knew there was one.

Buzzer probably took it for a joke.

All right, all right! I'm comin'.

Hello. warhead Dispatch. can I help you?

What?

Who?

Oh, you mean Buzzer.

- He's not been into any trouble, has he?
-who is it?

What kind of an accident?

Right. we'll send someone over right away.

- What's all that about?
- It's Buzzer.

He's had some sort of an accident.

- Not hurt, is he?
- They didn't really say.

They want someone over at his house now.

Oh, right. well, here, I'll go.

- And you look after the phones, okay?
- All right.

Oh, fuck.

- Sorry.
-watch it.

I'm sorry, sir. You can't go in there.

No, I've had the phone call.
I work for warhead Dispatch.

Oh, I see.

If you'll just wait here, sir.

I'll have a word with the inspector.

Excuse me, Mrs. Bancroft.

Hi, Mrs. Bancroft.

Oh, hello, Noddy.

What's happening here then?

A terrible noise woke us up
in the middle of the night.

I didn't bother about it, though,

because I thought he was watching
one of his video nasties.

Eh, Bert?

But when I come down this morning
to get me milk,

I saw that his door was all smashed in.

- God.
-well, I said, "That's a bit odd."

So I called the Old Bill.

If you'll come this way, sir.
The inspector will see you now.

Holy shit!

What the fuck's happened here?

Warhead Dispatch?

Yeah.

I'm Inspector cleaver.

Are you friends with Mr. Frazer?

Yeah. why? what's happened to him?

I'm afraid he's dead.

We're gonna need you to identify the body.

What?

Well, how did he die?

We don't know yet.

You gonna have a look, or not?

Yeah, I'll have a butcher's... cleaver.

Very funny. what's your name then?

Oddie. Nick Oddie.

Oddie.

Right. come on then. Down here.

That?

I have to tell you...

it's not very pleasant.

That's Buzzer, all right.

I'd know his head anywhere.

Is that the rest of him?

Well,
we do think there's a high probability.

So, Mr. Oddie,
when did you last see the deceased?

Last night. He was round my house
helping me fix my new bike.

What time did he leave?

I don't know. About half past 10:00.

How did he seem then?

A lot better than he is now.

Not like old Buzzer to go to pieces.

Did he have many enemies?

Yeah. Anyone who drove a taxi.

Owe money to anyone?

- Only the Inland Revenue.
- Right.

Well,
no doubt we'll have to talk to you again.

- You gonna be okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll live.

Which is more than I can say
for poor old Buzzer.

- What's that smell?
-what smell?

I don't know. Smells like garlic.

What's the matter? Don't you like garlic?

Yeah.

Fuckin' hell.

- Here you go.
- Ta.

Does that tank look straight to you?

Hang on.

Noddy.

What's the matter?
D'you want me to move 'em?

Yes, please.

Oh, very funny. Get off.

Well, is the tank straight or not?

Looks all right to me.

- How do you think it happened?
-what?

You know. Buzzer.

Well, I think he probably died

'cause somebody cut his head off.

Aren't you upset at all?

Not half as much as he is.

Well, whoever did it
must have been bloody strong.

Completely demolished the front door.

I think it's horrible.

I don't know how you can go on
working so calmly.

Well, I'm not, 'cause I've finished now.

Pass us that petrol can, will you?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Ta.

Gonna take it for a spin in a minute.
You fancy coming?

No. No, I'm not in the mood.

Suit yourself.

Noddy.

Shit.

Here.

I'll take these.
Make sure she doesn't stall.

Just gonna go and fetch me helmet.

Changed your mind?

No.

No. I was just givin' it a rev.

I'll be back.

Oh, shit!

Right!

I'm gonna have his nuts for earrings.

What's the matter?

I just nearly ran these Hell's Angels
off the road.

It's like the bike was out of control.
It's like it had a mind of its own.

- You were probably going too fast.
- No.

It was really weird.
I'll have to check the steering tomorrow.

- Do you want a coffee?
- No.

I'll have something stronger.

Noddy,
you shouldn't drink that stuff neat.

That's the only way to drink it.

- Do you want some?
- No, thanks.

Noddy!

- What?
- Me hair.

- I just want a joint.
- Oh, brilliant.

You're gonna be great company tonight.

Give us a break, will you?

- Get that, will you?
-christ.

What did your last slave die of?

Opening doors.

- What?
- Nothing.

Sorry to call so late.
Inspector cleaver of the Yard.

- I'd like to have a word...
- Oh, shit.

Noddy, Inspector cleaver to see you.

Good evening, Mr. Oddie.

I do hope I haven't called
at an inconvenient moment.

Just want to clear up a couple of things.

Yeah. Anything you like.
would you like to sit down?

When the deceased left you
the other night-- Mr. Frazer, your friend,

did he say he were going straight home?

Yeah.

And after he left you--

After he left you, what did you do
between 10: 30 and midnight?

We were both here.

- Any witnesses?
- No.

No witnesses?

Not much of an alibi, is it?

Well, you don't think it was us, do you?

Noddy, what's that smell?

It smells like garlic.

I'm sorry, miss?

Oh, there's a really awful smell around.

I can't smell anything.

No. It seems to have gone now.

Good.

Right. well, that'll be all.

I brought you this.
It belonged to Mr. Frazer.

I thought you might like it
as a "momento."

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Hello, Noddy.

What's the matter?

It's just a bad dream.

It's nothin'. Go back to sleep.

Noddy? Noddy?

It's me, Noddy. Look.

Noddy? Noddy. Here I am.

Hello, Noddy.

Hello, Noddy.

How are ya, mate?

Noddy. Noddy!

Noddy!

It's me, Noddy.

...tissues.
Don't want you crying and embarrassing me.

Shut up.

Shit!

- It's gone.
-what?

Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have
left it in the street.

Are you sure
you didn't put it in the shed?

Of course I'm sure.

We'll have to find the police.

Damn it! I put it right there.

Noddy.

Hey? I'm sure I left it there.

Oh, come on. Get a move on.

What's that?

It looks like blood.

No. Must be mud.

Are you sure you didn't hit
any of those bikers the other night?

- Sure I'm sure.
-well, did you stop?

No. Don't be stupid.

Come on. You'll have to clean up later.
we're gonna miss the funeral.

All right.

Bloody thing! I'll have to fix it.

Fix it when we get back. we're late.

- Let's take the other one.
-we'll have to.

This is a disgrace.

Why couldn't they get a proper hearse
for Buzzer?

He wouldn't be seen dead in one of them.

Oh, hey, try some of that, you!

You bastard--

Oh, shit.

Why don't you watch where you're goin'?

Bloody hooligans!

"...earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

In the name of the Father, the Son,
and Holy Ghost.

Amen."

Poor Buzzer.

Won't seem the same without him.

Come on, let's get out of here.
Graveyards give me the creeps.

Oh, for christ's sake.

Right.

Right, you bastard.

This time you start, or you die.

Okay?

Yeah!

Is it fixed?

Yeah! Get your lid. It's time for a bevvy.

Right.

Cor. Something smells.

- I just farted.
- Noddy.

- What are you havin'?
-vodka tonic.

- Large one.
- Large one. Yeah.

Here. Hold that. And get the pool table.

Evenin'.

Good evening. what'll it be?

Large vodka tonic, pint of cider, please.

What's this heap of shit?

Hang about.

This looks like the bike
that ran us off the road.

Do you think the geezer's inside then?

No.

I expect the bike drove itself here.

What do you think, shit-wits?

And a pint of cider.

Thanks.

Thank you, sir.

I told you before.
Don't bring that thing in here.

Sorry about that.

It just went off in my hand.

Ten pints of lager and a packet of crisps,
please.

Okay.

But just behave yourselves.

Do we look like the sort of blokes
who'd cause trouble?

Oi! You!

Yeah. I'm talking to you, ugly.

Is that your antique parked outside?

What if it is?

Well, if it is,
we got a little score to settle with you.

Let me explain.

The other night, we were riding along
minding our own business--

when all of a sudden,

some asshole drove straight into us,
forcing us off the road.

Uh-huh.

And we think that asshole...

was you.

Uh-huh.

And because we take
extra-special care of our bikes,

we get rather annoyed
if anyone messes 'em up.

So that's the way it is.

Any last request?

Hello, darling.

Do you want to see my chopper?

I haven't brought me magnifying glass.

Oh, you won't-- you won't need that.

Have a look at this.

Sweet dreams, shithead!

Right!

You're dead!

No!

Get the bike!

Oh, shit.

I thought I told you to get the bike.

Sorry?

Who ordered a packet of crisps?

And now,

it's death time!

Right.

Actually, it's escape time.

Noddy! come on!

Get us out of here. warp factor eight!

That taught him a lesson.

No?

- What d'you want?
- Spring roll and chips.

- Right. wait there. I won't be long.
- Okay.

One 31...

and one 62, please.

Thirty-one and sixty--

Spring roll and chips.

Noddy.

Get us some garlic prawns.

What?

Garlic prawns.

Yeah, all right.

Make sure it's got loads of garlic.

Yeah.

And a portion of garlic prawns.

Please.

Noddy! Help!

Noddy, help!

Jesus!

Oh, God!

Help!

Where's that bloody tart gone
with me bike?

Who the hell was that?

I'll go and see.

Don't be too long.

It's your round.

Who is it?

My bike.

Okay, asshole.

So you've come back for more.

So where are ya then? come on!

Where are ya?

Come on, chickenshit!

Come out and play!

Okay, dipstick.

I'm gonna take your poxy
little hair-dryer for a test drive.

Chopper!

Yeah! That way!

Come on!

Shit!

Fuckin' hell!

Man.

This is gonna be a masterpiece.

Yeah.

But I think it needs more red
in the middle.

Hello. Clive?

Yeah, it's Noddy.

Yeah, I know it's late.

Listen, you haven't seen Kim, have you,
over your way?

Only she's gone out on my new bike,
and I haven't seen her for ages.

Yeah.

Oh, well. Sorry to bother you, mate.

Yeah, cheers.

What's happened here then?

Where's chopper?

Fuck knows?

Fuckin' hell.

Oh, damn!

Hello?

Yeah?

What?

When?

Is she okay?

Yeah, I'll come right away.
Birmingham Accident Hospital?

Yeah, I know it. cheers.

Stupid bitch!

Hold up. where you taking him?

To the hospital morgue.

Where's his head?

Take your pick. They're over there.

Nuts.

Yes?

I appear to have something stuck up my...

bottom.

Oh, dear. You'll have to wait a bit.

Sit down, please.

I'd rather stand.

Hello, Mr. Road Toad.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm Inspector cleaver.

I've just seen the rest of your mob.

They look a little run-down.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.

And once you've got your thing removed,

you're going to help us
with our inquiries.

Is there anybody there?

Hello? Is there anybody there?

Now then, Mr. Roach,

let me just recap.

You left the pub.

Yeah.

You got on your bikes
and you rode down the road.

Yeah.

And suddenly, out of the blue,

comes a riderless bike
that knocks you all off.

Yeah.

That's it.

Let's try again, shall we?

You left the pub.

So then what happened?

It just kept going faster and faster,

and then it went round a corner
and threw me off.

Where is it now then?

Well, how the hell should I know?
It just drove off.

- What, all by itself?
- Yes.

I think you must be concussed.

How d'you account for the fact
that nobody's found it yet?

After you dropped it,
someone must have gone and nicked it.

I didn't drop it. It dropped me!

I'm tellin' you, Noddy, it's alive.
It tried to kill me.

Hey, don't be daft.

Look, don't you remember? You said
you thought it had a life of its own.

No, I just said there was
something wrong with the steering.

I didn't say anything about it
driving off down the road by itself.

Noddy, you've got to get rid of it.

I can't get rid of it.
I haven't bloody got it.

Evening.

Evening, sir. Been celebrating, have we?

I haven't had a "cont," "Drinkstable."

I see, sir. well, you won't mind
blowing into this then.

Yes.

Oh, shit!

Bloody road hog!

Then you rode down the road.

Yeah.

And this bike with nobody on it
came up and knocked you all off.

Sorry to interrupt you, sir,
but a message has just come through.

Could I have a quick word?

- Don't go away, will you?
- No.

It's all right, Sergeant.
Mr. Roach is just joining us for tea.

It seems that PC Harris died instantly.

And then PC Hollins,
in hot pursuit of the suspect,

ran over a senior citizen.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, it's a very nasty business.

Anyway, what kind of evening have you had?

Well, we're not gettin' very far
with this moron in here.

Far more important things to do.
I'll let him go later.

After he's finished his tea.

Planning a holiday this year, sir?

Wife and I are going to Benidorm
again this summer.

We know this really great little campsite.

They do great fish-and-chips.

They have British beer,
and everyone speaks English.

It's got a real Spanish atmosphere.

Cor, is that the time?

Well, how 'bout a nice cup of tea
before you go, eh?

Oh, God!

Holy Mother of God.

What do I do now?

Hello?

Hello!

Anybody here?

Hello!

Oi! Anybody here?

- What's all the noise about?
- I want to see a vicar.

The service doesn't start until 9:00.

I want to see a vicar now.

I think you mean the priest.

Why don't you come back at night?

Let me explain.

I want to see a priest now.

Now means this instant.

Not five minutes, not half an hour,

and definitely not at nine o'clock.

Well--

well, I'll go and get him then, shall I?

Smart move.

Please, please, wait here.

He'll-- He'll see you now.

Follow me.

- In there?
- Yes.

Go on.

Is there anybody there?

Yes, my son.

Where are ya?

I'm right here beside you.

Now, what do you want to confess?

Confess?

I haven't done anything wrong...
Your worship.

- Father.
-what?

- You should call me "Father."
- Sorry, Father.

Now what is your confession?

What? You don't understand.
I need your help.

Yes, you need God's forgiveness
for something, perhaps?

No, no, it's not to do with me.

But, my son,
you can't confess to someone else's sins.

Not something to do with someone else
either. It's me motorbike.

- Are you sure it's not a garage you want?
- No, no, Father.

It's turned into a vampire.

Pull the other one.

Look, I'm not accusing you of lying.

But you must realize that demonic
possessions are out of vogue these days.

Where machinery is concerned,
out of the question.

Look.
All I'm asking you to do is take a look.

I've told ya.

I found a tank full of blood
and someone's foot stuck in the headlamp.

Are you sure you haven't been dreaming?

Perhaps you've been watching
some of those video horribles.

No, I haven't.

Now are you going to take a look, or what?

Very well.

But I shall have to be back
in time for mass.

Come on then, Father,
I'll give you a lift.

I couldn't possibly get on one of those.

Wait here.

Well, lead on then.

Bloody hell.

It's in there, Father.

Well, let's have a look at this vampire,
shall we?

Well, where's this severed foot then?

- On the floor.
-where?

Well, it was there!

Perhaps it walked off.

I didn't imagine it.

Well, let's see if you imagined the blood
in the petrol tank, shall we?

This is no good. I can't see.

Better wheel it into the light.

Look, be careful--

See? It doesn't want to go into the light.

Rubbish. It's just stuck on something.

Oh, shit!

Jesus christ!

So how do you explain all this, Father?

It's the most unusual case
of demonic possession.

I must say it's the first time I've ever
heard of a machine being possessed.

Well, Father, what can you do about it?
I paid 1,100 quid for that bike.

- What?
-600. I meant-- I mean 600.

I shall have to try
and cast the demon out.

Well, how are you gonna do that?

Well, we know this demon is a vampire,
but unless we know precisely which one,

I shall have to go for the general,
all-purpose exorcism.

- What does that mean?
-well, let me try and explain.

In hell,
there is a hierarchy of demons, devils.

They are divided into legions.

The less important ones
go to make up the infantry, as it were,

and the more powerful ones
act as their commanding officers.

Now if we're dealing
with one of the infantry,

it shouldn't be too hard to cast him out.

What if it's one of the officers?

Well, if it's a demon like Baphomet,

or even worse, Ahriman,

then we could have a problem on our hands.

Why's that?

Well, the more powerful demons
have their own specific exorcism rituals.

Unless you get the words exactly right,
you could end up making things even worse.

Well, let's hope
it's a small one then, eh?

Yes.

Now before we go, I want you to take this.

You must wear it at all times.

I've already got one.

Take it anyway.

We can't be too careful.

I thought you said
you were gonna cast the demon out.

Yes. But if anything should go wrong,

not only your life but your immortal soul
would be in terrible danger.

You don't mean
it's going to come back for me here?

No, no, no. we have him where we want him.

There's nothing to worry about.

Here, Father.

But remember,
wear that crucifix at all times.

Now we must return to the church
to collect some equipment.

Father, if this demon's a vampire,

shouldn't we start the exorcism
before nightfall?

Absolutely.

Don't you think
you'd better pull your finger out?

Now the holy water.

- This?
- Yes.

Yes.

What are these for?

I'll show you.

I see.

Right.

Let's go and kick some bottom.

- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

- Just seems to have stalled.
- Perhaps you've run out of petrol.

No, there's plenty there. Look.

Stand aside, my son.

I understand these machines, you know.

I don't understand!

She's never broken down before, ever.

This is no good.
we're running out of time.

Let's leave the bike and get a taxi.

Come on, we must hurry.
It'll be getting dark soon.

Well, come on.
we haven't got a moment to lose.

Hallelujah.

Enough!

Is that it?

I think so, yes.

What sort of demon was it?

I'm not quite sure.

I'd almost forgot.

In the name of the Father...

and of the Son,

and of the Holy-- Shit!

The cross! Give me the cross!

Back, foul fiend!

Quick. Run for it, my son.

- What about you?
- Don't worry about me.

Bollocks!

It won't pass!

- Will that hold it?
- Should do.

- I'll go and get some help then.
- No! You stay here.

They'll never believe you. I'll go.

Fuck this!

Yes, I'm sorry, my precious,

but the sergeant says
I've got to work through--

Yes, I've got to. I know. Yes.

It's charlie to blame.
He's gone on sick again.

Maybe tomorrow we can do something nice.

- I've had enough of you bastards.
- Yes.

- Can you hear me?
- Yes, Marla.

- This time I've had enough.
- Oi!

Oi!

Where you goin' Oi!

You're under arrest!

For taking and driving away!

And for reckless driving!

Anything you say

may be taken down
and used in evidence against you.

And resisting arrest!

Shit.

But you just don't care,
do you, you little shit?

Can you hear me?
Harold, will you answer me?

Ah, we better go.

And then the engine started all by itself,
and there were clouds of sulfurous smoke.

And I wrestled it to the floor.

Are you telling me there was nobody on it?

Yes. Don't you understand?
It's possessed by the devil!

Oh, dear.

Are you sure you haven't
been on the communion wine, Father?

Watch it, my son.

Come on, now, Kim,
it's time for your wash.

And not a moment too soon either.

Oh, excuse me.

It's not you.

It's this horrible, smelly, foreign stuff!

Oh, please!

I'm sorry, but it's absolutely revolting.
You can't possibly keep this in here.

- I know, but, sister--
- No, it's out of the question.

Right.
Let's take these off then, shall we?

- Oh, no! No, please!
- Don't worry. Don't cause such a fuss.

- I know, but you don't understand!
- I'm only putting them over here.

Come on now, one more. That's it.

Now then.

Let's scrub-a-dub-dub.

Where's the driver?

He can't be far away.

Bloody hell.

Bloody hell.

You'll feel better
after a nice cup of tea.

Now then.

Shall I be Mother, Father?

Are you trying to be funny?

- I've got your number.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hello? Yes?

We've just seen a riderless motorbike
go down a wall.

Down a wall?

Yes, it was... incredible.

- Where was this?
- It was just at the hospital.

- The hospital?
- Yes.

There now. That's better, isn't it?

If you say so.

Well, the nurse will be in in a moment
with your sleeping pill and cocoa.

Yummy.

Shit.

What did she do--

Hiya. One lump or two?

Four.

Keep back, you bastard!

What's all--

Oh, my God!

What's going on?

Are you all right?

Bloody hell.

Come on. She's upstairs.

Oh, shit.

Right.

You bastard!

Take this!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Noddy!

- Help! Help! Help!
- Noddy!

Help! Help!

Help! Anybody there?

I wish I had a gun.

Take one of these.
I think you'll find it more useful.

Is it loaded?

Oi, oi, oi!

What the bloody hell
d'you think you're doing?

- What is the matter with you?
- Just help me barricade the door!

Just help me barricade the door!
There's someone after me!

Oh, God!

What in the bloody hell's that?

- It's me bike.
-well, you can't bring it in here.

- Come on, out you go.
- No, don't touch it!

Jesus christ!

Get out the way!
Throw me that bloody thing!

Get it!

You bastard!

- Come on!
- Go right for it!

Out of the way!

- There he is!
- Noddy!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I think so.

It's all right, everyone. It's over.

Good has triumphed over evil.

Right. we'll get you to the hospital.

No, no, I'm all right.

Come on.

You should get that seen to.

Might need some stitches.

Bastard!

I'll take you to the hospital.
we'll get the bike later.

Yeah.

Oh, my--

Sorry 'bout that.

Just sort of slipped out me hand.

I didn't mean it. I love bikes. Honest!

That spike--

Stand back. I'll deal with this.

Well, don't just stand there!

Do something!

What's happening?

Some-something's working!

Go after him!

Come on, pull!

Come on, pull!

Pull!

Push.

Oh, my God!

Leave him be!

- Put the fuckin' plug in!
- Right!

The plug!

The crucifix!

- Use your crucifix!
- Right, yeah.

Try this for size!

Force it into the light!

I thought we was done.

It's a sunbed!

Oh, yeah. course it is.

Yeah.

Force it into the light!

Back.

Back!

Noddy, how much did you really pay
for that bike?

What kind of bike was it?

Norton commando.

It's funny. They're usually so reliable.

Don't know what I'm gonna put down
for the insurance claim.

- Could we say it was an act of God?
- Don't think so somehow.

Bugger!

Cut me hand.

Don't use that. It's filthy!

- No, no, no, it's all right.
- It's not!

Come on.
I'll clean it up properly for you inside.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, Noddy!

Come on.

Did I ever show you
how to weigh a pair of tits?

No, but I expect you're going to.

Weigh!

Get off, Noddy!

You got blood all over me blouse!