Husbands (1970) - full transcript

A common friend's sudden death brings three men, married with children, to reconsider their lives and ultimately leave together. But mindless enthusiasm for regained freedom will be short-lived.

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Throw the way she counts.

One, two, three, four, nine. Here we go!

Come on up here
and let's finish this one over here.

Go!

I suppose this is proper,
all these big cars and chauffeurs.

Black shiny cars.

Seems dopey for a guy like that.

Well, I guess that's what they do.

People get symbolic over death.
They get very formal,

and it's really ridiculous.

Because it's probably
the most humiliating thing in the world.



But I feel very relaxed.

People die of tensions.

That's all they die of, Gus.

That's the truth. Did you know that?

I know it, and it's something
I'm never gonna forget.

Don't believe truth. Just
don't believe truth.

Archie, I'm telling you,
don't believe truth.

That is the truth now.
You see, the truth will never kill you.

Lies will. Not cigarettes, not alcohol.

Lies, Gus. Lies and tensions.
That'll kill you.

That'll kill you before cancer
in the heart. Did you know that?

Now, give me a cigarette, will you?
Give me a cigarette.

- What, now?
- Yeah, now.

And give me a match, too.
I don't have any matches.



I don't know if I have a match.

I don't think I have a match.

- I don't have any.
- I don't have a match.

Harry!

You got a match?

Let us be grateful for the smiles.

Let us not think of sadness.

Let us bury this man
who has gone noisily through life

and made a quiet exit.

Who found time for the smallest child
and for the oldest man.

Who found time in his life
to make room for your lives.

A man who was respected
and honored and loved

by the fellow members of his community.

When we speak of a man
that's naive and full of innocence,

we think naturally of Stuart Jackson.

I recognize some, I don't know others,
but I know one thing.

That you're all saddened.

Saddened by the loss of what
we all consider a great, great friend.

Not a friend in need particularly,
not a friend giving to a friend.

Not really there to listen,

but a person who made
you feel that you belonged.

This was a man beloved by his dear wife
and beloved by his two children,

who now have a great void
to fill in their lives.

This Stuart...

This Stuart, a man with so many friends,

as you see here today,

that are deeply, deeply
affected by his loss.

Let us offer God our prayers
for his eternal soul.

And now a silent prayer.

A silent moment
to recognize Stuart Jackson.

- I'm so glad...
- It's okay.

I'm glad you could come.

I didn't like it.

I didn't like what he said.

- I'm not going home.
- It moved me, but I resent it,

- 'cause what he said, he said nothing.
- You know what I resented?

- I mean, say this, just say he was funny.
- Gus, you know what I resented?

Say he was a funny man.

There's a dead man laying there,

- and she's moved, you know that.
- 'Cause if you can't say the right thing

- when a man dies...
- But you don't talk about insurance...

...then what the hell is it all about?

Not at a time like that.

You don't talk about insurance,
you understand?

- Not at a funeral.
- One thing, he was a clown.

Say he was a clown, say he died too young,
and that's all, and that's it.

- You understand what I mean, Gus?
- Look, it's done!

It was done wrong, but it's done, so be it!

Well, I'm not going home.

So we'll...

I'm gonna get very drunk.

Whatever.

That's right. Your coat's seen enough.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Gussie.
- Yeah.

- Gussie.
- What?

Well, what are we gonna do?

Well, we can do anything we wanna do.
So what do you wanna do?

I mean, what do you prefer to do?
I mean, if you had a preference?

Well, I'd be a professional athlete
because they really put out.

And they got no excuses,
and they feel good, and they get sweaty.

You know, you have a beer,
and you're with guys you like.

I was gonna be a basketball player.
I had all the moves. I was quick enough.

Too short.

I love baseball. I love golf.
I love pool. I love track.

I love Ping-Pong. I love volleyball.
I love badminton. What else is there?

- Football.
- Lacrosse! Now there's a hell of a game!

What are we gonna do?

Harry, you don't care.
Archie, I'd like to know how you feel.

You know, it's a terribly...
It's a terribly sad thing

when a man reaches around 27,
the years are going by,

and then he realizes that he's never
gonna be a professional athlete anymore.

And then you reach 30!

And then you know it's over,

and then you begin to watch other athletes

and you begin to see
when they're gonna give out.

- Do you ever feel that way?
- I felt that.

- Well, the legs go at 35. The legs.
- I got a hell of an idea.

Let's have a light breakfast.

You know what I mean?

Why a light breakfast?
Why not a heavy breakfast?

Oh, Harry...

- Harry, Harry, Harry.
- I'm hungry.

- Light breakfast.
- Everything's light.

- You get your money?
- I got everything.

- Okay.
- Where we going? We got 40 stops.

You're right.

Forty more stops. The man is right again.

I love basketball.

But I'm too short.

You want to play?

Without my shoes, I'm shorter!

I want to play.

I'll race you to the corner.
Walking, no running.

- For how much?
- A dime.

- A dime. You're on. Yeah.
- You ready?

- Get set!
- Get set!

Go!

Give back the ball.

Got it!

Ball!

Come on. Come on, Harry.

Come on, Harry. Put it up.

I hate basketball.

And besides, I have a theory
about people who play to win.

It's the only reason to play.
Otherwise why keep score?

First, we have to play games,
then we have to see who wins.

We've been up for 24 hours.

And we're gonna get ourselves
the same as Stuart.

It's good for you. Sweat it all out.

- Wanna go home, Harry?
- No!

I'm never going home.

All right, then. Let's have a drink.

- Here's to Joe. Here's to Joe.
- Here's to Joe.

- Joe.
- Here's to Joe.

To Joe.

To Joe.

All right, next.

Charlie?

I'm not any Joe, but...
Maybe the original soul...

- I'm sorry.
- All right, next.

Okay. That was terrific. I'm sorry.

Gus, you broke the rules.

- Who's next?
- Gotta keep the rules. No talking.

- Tony, Tony's next.
- No, Gwen.

- Gwen.
- Gwen is next. Gwen, you go.

Look at me! That's better.

Don't know anymore.

Give her a hand. Let's have a drink.

Terrific. Terrific. Terrific.

Beautiful.

Okay.

- We're terrific.
- Terrific.

- Who's next?
- He's next.

No, no, ladies first.

Now, this is First World War.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

- All right.
- Leola.

- All right. Who's next?
- My Leola's next.

- Who's next? Who's next?
- No, no, ladies first. Leola.

Well, go ahead, John.

- Please. Please. John.
- Go, John.

Go, John.

I love it.

I love it.

I'd like to hear that one again.
Can I hear that one again?

Bill was all right, but...
I mean, I have nothing against Bill.

It's just that I have a song that means,
well, it takes life.

You'll see what I mean.

It means life.

Shut up, Gus, shut up.

Shut up, Gus!

Shut up, you moron.

Bravo!

Let's drink to that.

Come on...

You're an angel.

Okay. All right.

You're right. You know something?
She felt a rejection. Let's sit down.

Hold it here. Here, here, here.

- Violence is out.
- Sit down.

- Wait a minute...
- Violence is out.

This contest is not over.
And this contest is going to continue.

Look, just to show you
how wild this party is...

- Who threw that glass?
- Wait a minute.

Number one, who threw that glass?
I'm gonna leave here.

I'm gonna leave here.

Leola!

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.
Terrible. Terrible.

Unreal, unreal! No passion.

One more time. One more time.

Start it again.

Come on.

Gus, do you hear, Gus?

- Start it again, honestly.
- Honestly.

- Honestly, but I had too much beer.
- With soul. Soul.

- Soul?
- With soul.

- With passion.
- That's what Harry does all the time.

I don't believe he does that.

The man is insane!

- I'm telling you...
- From the beginning.

- Did you hear what he said?
- Worse.

- Did you hear what he said?
- Worse.

- What?
- Worse!

No feeling, he said.

- Vomit.
- No feeling.

A little feeling. A little feeling.

- I don't care. Loud, soft, do it.
- Go get her, Archie.

No, too cute! Too cute!

No cute! Real, from the heart!
From the heart! From the heart!

I can't stand it! I can't stand it!

- I'll kill myself.
- He's right. This man is right.

The man is right.

When the man is right, he's right.
One more time.

It's not that we're criticizing you.

- It's that...
- We're criticizing you.

Whatever your life is, it's been...

- Obviously.
- You're not speaking to us.

Do you understand?
You're not speaking to us.

- No?
- You're not talking to all these people.

- Look at...
- You're not speaking to anybody.

Not only us.

I agree.

I agree. I agree.

I agree. Wait a minute.

- Get him.
- You are terrible!

You are impossible! You're wrong!
You have no heart!

- You're wrong.
- No.

A lot of people won't agree with this,
but I think you're terrible.

- Really?
- I think you're terrible.

- You know why?
- Terrible!

'Cause you wanna be terrible.
You know why?

- 'Cause you don't like us. You know why?
- Right. Right.

Because you got some
bitterness in your heart...

- Totally.
- ...'cause you've been told by your mother...

- Where's the warmth? Where's the warmth?
- ...to be that way.

- Where is the warmth?
- Give us a kiss.

- Right.
- Kiss him, he's my friend!

Here, here's a face, kiss him. Suck him.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it, Archie.

- Don't do that again.
- No, I...

Don't do it again. Ever. Ever!

- One more time.
- Do it better.

- Do it better.
- One more time.

Would you do it better?

- Can you do it better?
- We love you!

I'll take off my clothes
if you do it better.

- Take off your clothes.
- Take off your clothes.

- I'll take off my clothes if you do it better.
- Take off...

- If you do it better. Give her a chance.
- Take off your clothes.

- Give her a chance.
- Wait a minute.

I'll take off my clothes
if you do it better.

- That's how much I want it.
- Take off your clothes.

No, I don't want you to
take off your clothes.

I'll take off my clothes.
Here they come, baby. Here they come!

Here they come! Here they come!

Now, do it better! Now, do it better!

He's drunk.

I broke my zipper.

I think he's fantastic.

Let's give him a big hand.
Let's give him...

Sing it. Sing it once.

Sing it once.

Come on!

Come here.

- All right.
- Ready.

- I'm sorry.
- That's life.

- Now let us sing it, and you listen.
- That's life.

- Life.
- One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Eleven.

Why don't you sing it again, all right?

- To me, to me.
- Kiss him, my friend.

Kiss him, he's my friend.

She has to get it out.

- Better!
- Hey, that's nice. Now let's see them...

Show him and close your eyes.
When you sleep, do you close your eyes?

Relax. Close your eyes. You're asleep.

- All right.
- You're asleep. Ready?

- Yeah.
- Ready.

Kiss her. I'm telling you.
I'm gonna fuck her.

I got you now.

- Telephone.
- Please.

- She can't be honest.
- Give me that mouth.

Look here. Put that in your mouth.
There you go.

- I don't... That's all right.
- You're all right.

- Now sing it.
- Have fun!

- All right.
- Have fun when you're singing that song.

Have fun when you're singing that song.

- Where's the song?
- Listen to her.

- I...
- No!

- Fuck it. Fuck it.
- Here, here, here.

Whisper, whisper.

Quiet. I don't wanna hear you.
I don't wanna hear you.

- Nobody hears you.
- Just talk it. Talk.

- Nobody hears you.
- You just told me not to talk.

Just talk it. Talk it. Talk it.
Let her talk.

Too loud.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Tell her...

- I'm gonna leave.
- Listen. Can't you do this?

- Can't you do this? Can't you do this?
- Why?

- Go. Do it.
- Do it! Let's do it together.

- Can't you do what I just did?
- Let's do it for her.

- No, 'cause you scare me.
- Wait a minute, sweetheart.

- Sweetheart, let's do it for you.
- Here we go. Together.

- No, we don't scare you. That's the trouble.
- Shut...

I don't want to hurt you, I swear to God,
but I feel like Jack the Ripper.

- We don't scare her, that's the trouble.
- Okay, don't be scared.

- You don't even hear this.
- Watch this now.

- No, don't you sing. Don't you sing.
- Okay. All right.

Don't you sing.
God almighty, don't you sing.

- I'll show you how to sing it.
- Ready.

- Go ahead, would you sing her?
- Sing it for me, Archie.

L just did it. Now do that.

- That's...
- You're getting it. You're getting it.

You're getting it. You're getting it.
Wait a minute.

- No, I don't think I can do it now.
- That's better.

- That's terrific. That's honesty.
- You're terrific.

- You're terrific. We love you.
- That's honesty.

- I like that very much.
- You think we're kidding you? We love you.

- No, why...
- We love you.

Sing it to us like you love us.

- I forgot the words now.
- Good.

That's good.

You're beautiful.

Bravo! Bravo!

- Listen.
- What are you doing here singing?

Why don't you sing us all a song?

- In your suit.
- In your...

- In your suit. In your suit.
- Come on.

- Wait 'til I have a shooter.
- He's gonna have a shooter.

- I'm gonna have a shooter.
- I'll have a shooter.

Come on. Sit down here.

- Harry looks lovely.
- Looks lovely.

I'm miraculous, and I'm very gracious.

I think you're the most gracious guy
in the world.

Now will you sing something,
because we got a prize going here?

Right.

No rush there.

What a humor you have.

Too much.

Can't see his eyes.

Depression song.

No, I can't spare a dime.

No, don't hold back.

Have another drink.

- I've made my decision.
- Where are you going?

- I got the winner.
- Listen.

- Yeah? Who's the winner?
- What's your name?

- I'm not telling.
- Red.

- Red.
- Red what?

- Where you from, Red?
- Where am I from?

- Where you from?
- Wherever that nutty in the room is.

- You're from... You're from...
- I'm telling you...

Hey, man, hold it now. Wait a minute.
Don't get...

- Where are you from, that's all?
- You're from...

You can guess the rest of your life,
you'll never know where I'm from.

You're from the Southwest.

- Yeah, you're from...
- New York!

Manhattan, baby.

He's won the friendship award.

You're terrific. You're terrific.

Oh, my God.

- This guy's terrific.
- Give him a big hand.

- Brooklyn.
- He hates it.

It's Brooklyn, right?

That's Brooklyn, of course.
What would it be?

Love your hat. Love your hat.

He could've done this, look...

Need any help?

We're gonna forget what we know.
Nothing else in my favor.

Can you imagine, after all we've been
through, not to be able to vomit?

I didn't...

I figured this thing out, psychologically.

This thing of vomiting...
This thing of vomiting is psychological.

Are you all right?

Gus, are you all right?

Shit.

Shit, vomit. Vomit, shit.

Have you had enough?

That's better.

Get it out.

You know, you guys look terrible.

I have such pains and heat here.

Suffocating! My eyes are tearing.

I get the feeling you want to be alone.

So, why do I get the feeling
that you want to be alone?

At first, there were four of us.

And now there are three of us,
and you want to be alone.

All right.

Then I might as well be alone.

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Gus, I feel sick.

And I don't like to be
sick in front of people.

I mean, people barging in on you
when you're sick...

- I agree with you.
- I asked you not to say anything.

Now, you're either going to be quiet,
or you're gonna go.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Gus, nothing! Silence!

Silence?

- Boy, I feel like screaming.
- I don't care what you feel. I don't care...

I want to tell you how I feel!

Listen, Gus. Gus,

I want to tell you how I really feel.

I mean, I want to tell you
what's really bothering me.

I'm going to tell you now what it is.

What it must be. 'Cause it's
not the sickness. I can live with that.

No, here's what it is.

It's a tremendous need.

An anxiety. It's a...

You see, that's what happens.
I forget what it is.

I mean, what is it?
It's got to be important. Right?

'Cause, well, like, what are you feeling?

I mean, what are we supposed to be feeling?

'Cause what I'm feeling...

I don't know what I'm feeling!
You see what I mean?

In other words...

You see, it's...

I've got to find out
because I know what it is.

No, no, it's a...

- There's a need there. And there's anxiety.
- It's guilt.

- Guilt?
- Guilt.

Guilt?

- That would be terrible.
- It's terrible.

God, oh, God. God.

- That would be terrible.
- What is it? Just say what it is.

- I'm not gonna say it. It's not that.
- Just say, "I'm guilty," that's all.

I never had bad thoughts.
I swear to God I never had a bad thought.

If I died yesterday, I'm clean.
Gus, I'm an idealist.

- I'm a positive person. I mean, as long as...
- You're an idealist, you are.

As long as you've known me,

I've always tried to see
the good side of everything.

I mean, whenever possible, is that right?

You want to be alone?
You want to be alone?

Be alone!

- Let the dead lie.
- Let the dead lie?

- Let the dead lie!
- Let it go.

It's a proper thought.

No, it isn't.

What a smell!

What a terrible smell.

I really hate it. I hate vomit.

You get all the blood out of it,
just disgusting.

- Hey, you got something on your mouth.
- Just disgusting.

Right there.

Right there, right there, right there!
Right there!

Get me a paper! I know it's there.
Get me some paper! Hand me the paper!

Got something on your foot!
You got something on your foot there!

You got something on your foot there, too!

You got something on that foot there!
Right there! Right there.

- Where?
- Right there.

Come here. Come over here.

Come over here.

Oh, you stink. Oh, you stink.

Oh, that silly son of a
bitch is on the door.

I feel very good. Very good.

- What are you guys doing in here?
- Having a private moment.

- Private moment about what?
- About Stuart.

About Stuart? Expect me to believe that?

Every time my back is turned
you guys are whispering about...

Every time my back is turned
you guys are talking. Talking.

Whispering about me.

- Are you kidding?
- Talking behind my back.

I've been onto you for a long time.
I just have too much class to spell it out!

- Why don't you spell it out?
- I could never talk to you.

- You're insensitive!
- I'm insensitive?

- And you're insensitive!
- I'm insensitive?

You're sensitive? You can't even vomit.

Make your point.

Harry. You get to work on time.
You fawn over your wife.

You're absorbed by yourself
and you have no sense of humor.

I have no sense of humor?

I have no sense of humor?

I have no sense of humor?

You're clutching at straws.
You have nothing.

If I said what was really on my mind,
you'd be crying.

- Say it.
- Harry, you're a phony.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm a phony? I'm a phony?
Nobody calls me a phony!

Bite his finger! Bite his finger!

I'm a phony, huh? I'm a phony?

No! Nobody calls me a phony!
Nobody calls me a phony!

No! Nobody calls me a phony!

No! Nobody calls me a phony!

- No, nobody calls me a phony!
- Good friends don't fight! Good friends...

- Nobody!
- Come here.

Come on. Hey, Archie, come here.
Shake hands!

Come on, now, shake hands!

Give me a dime, Archie.

Harry, I'll not only give you a dime,
I'll give you my life.

Now, you want a dime, you got a dime.

Give it to me.

He won't call her.

I'll call my wife and tell
her about my friends.

What did you do, darling? Went to
a funeral. How was it? Marvelous!

How's that for a two-day venture?

What's my number? I forgot my number.
Gus, what's my number?

Seven, four, three, two...

I know it. I know it. Seven, four, what?
Seven, four, three, what?

- Seven, four, three...
- I know it! I know it. I know it.

Loved the answer. "I know it."

Give me a beer.

God damn!

You guys going to work today?

Gus?

You going to work today?

I don't know, Harry.

- Archie?
- I'm thinking about it.

Louder! I can never hear you!

Harry, I said I was thinking about it!

- Are you going to work today?
- I'm thinking about it.

Well, I'm going to work today!
I'm going to go right home and go to work.

- You know, you've got an awful lot to learn.
- Let's go home. Gus.

You know absolutely nothing about people.

Arch.

You know you screwed up tonight.

- What do you want?
- Let's go.

I don't know why I bother with you anyway.

I hate this man. I hate him.
I really hate him.

Let's get out of here.

Gus, Archie,

look what I did to the phone booth.

I kicked the hell out of it.

Yeah.

Like I've been telling my wife for years.

Aside from sex, and she's very good at it,

God damn it, I like you guys better.

I really do. Now, who the hell else
could put up with me, huh?

I'm a jerk. I know it.

So let's go home and get it over with.

Gus,

I love you.

Archie...

- Don't do that to me, I'll kill you!
- I could kiss you on the mouth.

I love you. I love you both.

- Get away from me.
- Now, let's go home and get it over with.

You fairy!

Fairy Harry!

I wouldn't be surprised!

Might be better off!

- You're amazing!
- He's amazing!

You are amazing!

I know.

What do you want us to do?
You want us to go home with you?

- Let's go home.
- Let's go home.

We'll never make the 8:02.
We're late. We got 10 minutes.

Shave, shower, 10 minutes!

Let the cab go! We'll take my car.

That's the difference between him and us.

If my wife opens her mouth to me
about anything, I finish that fast.

- You're right.
- I walk right in there... I know I'm right.

And I spell it out.
And that's what you have to do.

Right, that's what you have to do.

I'm not going to shower for her.

If I want to stink, I'll stink.
That's my privilege,

- and I'm not showering for him.
- Right.

- I wouldn't shower for you.
- Don't.

- I'm not going to shave, either.
- Don't shave.

If I want to be dirty, I'll be dirty.

Look, if you want to be dirty, you
be dirty. You go ahead and be dirty.

You have to be free.
You have to be an individual.

Where is she?

Tell her I'm sorry.

Tell her I'll talk to her tonight.

- Tell her I love her.
- All right, Harry, I'll tell her.

I love you, too.

- You're a bad boy.
- I'm not a bad boy!

You understand me.

If she wasn't your daughter,
you'd be on my side.

I'm not allowed to say anything.

All right, don't say anything.
Who the hell asked you to say anything?

- Don't say anything.
- I didn't say anything!

Then don't! I know what side you're on.

Just say goodbye for me.

Yeah.

Terrible.

No sensitivity left.

You wanna be alone,
you can't even be alone in your own house.

Look, you don't have to
hide from me anymore.

I know you don't love me.

I just don't like being in a closet.

So let's end the suspense.

- You know how I feel.
- Tell me.

I don't want a scene.

What about the children?
We have three children.

They'll do just fine.
Mother! Mother, sit down!

Look,

I love you, and I love the children.

I'm telling you that
right in front of your mother.

I just...

I'm just uncomfortable in front of you.
That's it.

There's nothing personal.

Nothing personal.

Harry...

I just can't stand you.

- Annie!
- You stay out of this!

You stay out of this!

Stay out of this.

Annie. Annie.

- Ma, get the knife.
- Annie.

- I'll kill him!
- Give me that knife.

Give me that knife! Give me that knife!
Give it to me!

- Down on your knees. Down on your knees.
- No.

Down on your knees. Down on your knees!

Now, I'm calm. I'm very calm.

You love me?

Say you love me. Say you love...

Just say you love good old Harry.

You love Harry, don't you?
Poor working stiff.

You love me. Say you love me.

Say you love me!

Say it!

I love you.

- Again.
- I love you.

That's better. That's not so hard, is it?

I love you, too.

- I'm gonna call the police on him.
- Annie.

I'll kill him.

- I'm gonna call the police on him.
- You'll call the police?

You're going to call the police?

I know how to get to you.

- I know how to get to you.
- Oh, Harry! Harry!

- I know how to get to you!
- Don't you hurt my mother!

Shut up! Shut up! Get away from me!

- Hey, hey!
- You satisfied? You satisfied?

I'll kill her! I'll kill her!

I'll kill her! I'll kill her!

I'll kill her!

- Open the door!
- I'll kill her! I'll kill her!

- Open the door.
- I'm a funny guy, right?

Yeah, yeah, come on!

Jesus Christ.

All right. All right.

I'm freezing.

Must be emotional.

I must be going nuts.

I hate that house.

I only lived there because of a woman.

You know. The legs, the breasts, the mouth.

Well,

not anymore. No, sir.

Gus. Archie.

I'm confused, I tell you.

Because I know I'm going
to go in that house

and I know I'm not going
to go in that house,

because if I go in that house,
I'll only say I'm sorry.

So that's it. I'm going away.

I got...

This and this is...

You had a lot of hair then, Harry.

I got older. She gets younger.

They all get younger. You get older.

Well, that's it.
I'll go to Africa, Russia, China!

I don't care. I don't care.

You're not the first guy
to ever punch his wife out.

- Here he goes again.
- I have to agree with him.

- You going to start?
- Listen, you worry about your family,

we worry about our family.
That's the way it is.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Well, you're not worried about our family
when you go on like that because...

You're going to put me down again, right?

- We have our problems, Harry.
- All right, I get it. I get it.

- I know who my friends are.
- It's not all one way, you know!

- I'll just go to work and think it over!
- Wait a minute.

- I'll go to work and think it over, that's all.
- Wait a minute. Wait!

I'm going to work!
You want to go to work? I'll drive you.

- Are you going to work?
- Harry.

- Archie.
- I'll get in the car with you.

After that, I don't know,
because you can be violent.

Okay, that's all I ask.

Harry, you're a fantastic man,
but you can be violent.

You guys smell, you know that?

How can you go to work like that?

You put your fingers in people's mouths
all day long. Look at your fingernails.

You were right there.
Shave, take a shower, something!

Change your underwear!

We don't like your underwear.

Your underwear.
What is that, Bahama underwear you got?

Child.

Children.

Will you cut it out?

Oh, just cut it out.

Just cut it out. I'm in no mood.

- Listen...
- Lay off!

- Harry!
- I'm warning you, lay off!

Harry, listen.

Now, get away from me!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Look, what are you, an idiot?

What are you, an idiot? Wait a...

Get your hands off!

Doctor will be with you in just a minute.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

Archie, listen to me.

I'm either going to change him into me,
or I'm going to change him into...

I don't know what
I'm going to change him into.

His basic problem... Listen to this.

He went into the house this morning
because he was supposed to.

I can't put my finger
on what's wrong with that.

- That's wrong. Right?
- Damn right, it's wrong.

- Right.
- It's everything. It's the way he walks,

the way he dresses, what he thinks,
what he doesn't think.

It's deeper than that.
He's going through a change of life.

- Listen to me! I've watched him all week...
- I have no time, Archie, I'm...

He's definitely going through
a change of life.

- Could you just hold it one second?
- Yeah, but think about that, would you?

Tray, please.

- Hello.
- Hello. You saw my x-rays last Tuesday.

- They took x-rays.
- Yeah, I saw that.

I'm very nervous. I hate dentists.
Did Harry tell you that?

No, we didn't get around to that yet.

You see, once I went to a dentist,
and he hurt me.

I think I'm allergic to Novocain.
I think so, you know?

You know, I hate needles and drills,
you know? You don't give a gas, do you?

No, I really don't know what you're saying.
Just open, please.

I just want to check your gums.

Something wrong, is there?

Miss Hines, Miss Hines, what's the matter?

I'm sorry, I'm so nervous.
I can't stop laughing.

Let the doctor check you, Miss Hines.

Let the doctor check you, Miss Hines.
Relax.

I don't want him to do anything.
I want to be like this.

I'm making an ass out of myself.
I told myself that I wouldn't...

Look, just open a minute. Hold it, darling.
Darling, darling.

Take it easy now. I feel...

All right, just open now. Just say...
Nice and gentle.

- I'm awfully sorry. I didn't mean...
- That's okay, just open, please.

Open, open. Say "ah."

That's nice. You're in nice shape.

Yeah? Are you sure?
I mean, there's nothing really wrong?

- Just open...
- I can't stand this anymore.

I got to go.

- I got to go, Gus!
- Close your mouth for a minute. Okay.

Just one second. I can't stand it, either.

Hello?

- Harry, it's for you. It's Archie and Gus.
- Can't talk.

Oh, your secretary has it.

- It's Mr. Black and Gus to meet you.
- I told you to take a message.

- But they said it's very important.
- I can't talk to them.

- They're on their way over to see...
- Tell them not to come.

Tell them I'm busy.
I'm a man of responsibilities.

Tell them I'm a man who is responsible.
I'm not a bum.

And no more calls!

So the point is that your product
is supposed to make ours...

- Harry!
- Hi, Harry.

- Harry!
- Ed Weintraub.

Oh, Harry! The times we had together,
weren't they wonderful, huh?

- Wonderful, wonderful.
- Yeah, they're good.

Where should we go to?

- I don't know...
- Let's go!

Right this way, Mr. Weintraub.

- You guys going with me or not?
- Where? Where you going?

London. London, England.

London, England.

London. London, England.

Come on, Harry, you're not...

The hell with you. I don't need you.

You're being serious.

- You're a jerk, right?
- Right!

- I'm a jerk, right? You're a jerk, right?
- Yeah, yeah!

I'm going to London.

- I'm going to London.
- You're going to London?

- I'm going to London.
- Well, if you're going to London

and you're going to London,
I'm going to London.

Okay.

All right, you know what we do
with this jerk?

- We take him to London, right?
- Right.

We take him to London,
we take him to a hotel,

we tuck him in,
and then we come back home.

- That's all right.
- Let's call our wives.

All right.

Hello, Jeanie?

It's your Golden Greek.

This is your sweet potato.

You're sore at me, aren't you, huh?

No...

We're going to go away with him.
We're going to go to London with him.

Yeah, we're just going to tuck him in bed,
and get him into a hotel,

and then we're going to come right back.

There is no problem, it's just that,

sweetheart, we need our passports.

Yeah, Archie and I,
we don't have the passports.

You know where my passport is?

Well, will you go...

Will you go over to Archie's house
and ask Kate for his passport?

Oh, I love you.

Yeah, you're terrific.
Yeah, you're really terrific.

Yeah, I love you, too.

Jealous.

Can you imagine that?

All the women are around me
in my office all day long,

she's jealous over some foreign country
I've never been to before.

- I'm very excited.
- So am I.

Why do you look so worried?

I'm not worried.

That's good
because we're in the middle of the ocean.

No sense in being worried
in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, right?

Right.

- How are you, Archie?
- Good.

Thank you. I had a wonderful flight.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- Thank you.
- Goodbye. Thank you for flying Pan Am.

Goodbye. Hope you had a nice flight.

Goodbye, sir. Hope you had a nice flight.

Goodbye now, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

Wet!

You have a connecting door, sir,
but we'll have to go around.

- Everything all right, gentlemen?
- What?

- What?
- What's all right?

Excuse me, please. This way, sir.

I'll take this one.

- American money all right?
- Yes, sir.

- There you go.
- Thank you very much, sir.

- There you go.
- Thank you, sir. Good day, sir.

- Oh, the key.
- Have a good day, sir.

Look at the bathroom.

I like your room, Arch.

Look at the rain.

It rains a lot in London.

I like the rain.

Let's take a shower.

Let's take a shower and get some sleep,

and then we'll order some clothes
and get some clothes...

That's right. That's right. We'll take
an hour's nap. All I need is an hour.

We need some clothes.

I sleep an hour, I feel like I slept 12.

- Oh, boy.
- Rain is fantastic.

- Then we get some women.
- We need some sleep.

Harry, my wife is not so good in bed.
Maybe that's the answer.

I mean, I don't enjoy it that much.
I'm very slow.

Well, maybe that's the answer.

May I ask a question?

What does that mean, slow?

He's saying you're great in bed,
and he stinks in bed, is that right?

- Archie!
- I never said that.

- I don't care.
- He doesn't care.

If I cared, I wouldn't have any.

I don't care either,
because there's going to be no more talk.

Go out and get it.

Is that wrong?

Oh, my God.

My arm.

Oh, my God.

There's a cab. Come on. Here we go.

- Come on in.
- It's England.

It's England.

We're in England.

- Good evening, gentlemen.
- Good evening.

- Do you wish to play?
- Yes, we'd like to play craps.

- You have craps here?
- We got craps. Got everything.

- All right, that's what we like.
- We need chips.

- Chips, right. Get some chips, that's all.
- The cashier can help you there, sir.

Thank you.

- We only have American money.
- I see. Can I have it, please?

- What?
- Can I have it, please?

Give him the money.

But we're running low on cash.
Traveler's checks all right?

Traveler's checks, American.

Can I see your passport, sir?

Just a formality, sir.

Show him the passport, Harry.
We've got passports.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
everything all right here?

- Everything's all right.
- That's very good, sir. Thank you.

- $200 all right?
- "$200?"

Yes, sir. Would you sign, please?

Here you are, sir. $200.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

It's your fault we came to London, right?

Harry, come on, what about our chips?

We're not, you know, we're not alone here.
Everybody's together.

Come on, Gus. Gus, come on.

Get your chips.

- What'll we play?
- Wait for Gus. Come on.

- Craps?
- What do you mean, come on? I'm here.

Craps?

- Craps, right.
- Right.

Good game, gents. Your roll.

Go ahead. Shillings.

- Your dice.
- Right.

- Your dice.
- I'm not shooting.

He shoots. I'm the brains. I shoot.

You're the brains. Gus, Gus, Gus!

Five on the win.

- Gus!
- First time in London. Let's go.

- Here we go! Here we go!
- That's the way to start.

- Press the seven.
- Bet eleven, shooter coming in.

- We're new here.
- That's not the way to bet.

You'll see. Ten a point.

- Now, you have to press.
- I got no money to press.

Bet it hard now, gents. 2-to-1 odds.

Bet four, six,

- the eight. And the nine.
- On the five.

- Cover the field.
- No bets over there.

No place bets.

- Point's 10, shooter.
- I know the game.

You know the game.

- Don't listen to him next time.
- Rolling numbers here.

- Go get them, Gus.
- Right back, that's the 10, honey.

Let's not waste time.

Win at 10. Point 10, 64, pay line.

Here we go. Here we go.

That's right. Now, we've doubled
their money, you see that?

Take it first bet back.

- £10.
- Harry. Leave your first bet...

- I know what I'm doing, Gus.
- Take some off,

you need some to put
on the back of the line.

- Hold it.
- Discuss it with him, come on.

- Your roll now coming out.
- Now, he gets £4 for that.

- Can you take off your coat here?
- Yes, sir. It's off on the come-out roll.

- What?
- Off on the come-out roll.

Off on the come-out.
Yes, yes, any joint will tell you that.

- It's automatically off on the come-out roll.
- Here we go there!

Five hits, five pay line.
Shake five, shooter.

Go get them, Gus. Come on.

All right, Gus. All right.

That's right, yeah.

- Throw.
- You almost gave me a heart attack.

Throw!

- Five right back. Look at this!
- Five a winner.

Five a winner. Five a winner.

- Fairy Harry!
- We're off! Fairy Harry anything!

- Five.
- Crap. Press it. That's the number.

Fairy Harry, where are you?

- All right.
- Let's not lose our composure.

You won't get angry with me
if we walk away with your club?

- What's the name of this club?
- Sportsmen's.

Sportsmen's! Sportsmen's! Go, Gussie!

If we're making too much noise for you,
just let us know.

That's all right, sir. We roll.

I don't think they know we're American.

- Here we go.
- You have no courage.

- You have no courage.
- You don't need courage with Gus.

You don't need courage with Gus,
you need money.

Nine.

- Press the nine.
- Better.

The point is nine. The point is nine.

Back up the bet with the nine.
Put it on the six. Here.

And the four, and the five,
and the eight, and the ten.

- Give me the ten, the nine.
- Don't get excited!

Attaboy, Archie.

They never saw so much money
in their lives.

- Live dangerously.
- Here we go. The rich Americans strike back.

Nine a winner.

- Nine is the winner.
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir, yes, sir!

- What a country! It's a great country!
- Told you!

Eight. Press the eight.

- We roll nothing but numbers.
- Hold the dice, Gus.

You remember Paris, do you, sweetheart?

- Nine. A field nine.
- Press the nine.

Press the nine.
The whole art to this game is the numbers!

- You're right, I'm with you.
- Not this.

- Come on, baby! Ten.
- Press the ten.

- Press the ten.
- Look at this man roll numbers! Numbers!

Go!

Go. Let him roll. Quiet.
May we have quiet, please?

Wait a minute, what's the number?

It's all ours. It's all ours.
Send them out!

Let him place...

- Here we go. Eight again.
- Ten, one time.

Seven out, lose seven. We're on our way.
Take your nut. The last time was a winner.

All right, that's it.
Come on, we'll get a drink.

Thank you very much. Let's go.

That's for you. That's for you.

That is for you, sir. And
that is for you, sir.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

We're lovers. We don't need money.

Harry. Harry.

- Come on, we're all together. Wait for Gus.
- Come on, let's go.

- Gus, come on. Come on. Get your chips.
- Come on.

Let's go.

- Pardon me.
- Gus.

- Nineteen, thirteen.
- Card.

- Fifteen.
- Card.

- Hello.
- Good evening.

- What's your limit?
- £100, sir.

- Fifteen.
- Card.

- £100.
- Twenty-one, seventeen.

- A marker, please.
- £10 marker?

Yeah.

- Sixteen.
- Hello.

- Nineteen, thirteen.
- Card.

Nineteen.

You know, the English... People tell you
the English are cold and reserved.

I really like them.
I mean, they're warm. They're giving.

They give.

At least, I hope they give.

Know what I mean?

- Here.
- Too late, sir.

- Fourteen.
- Card.

Well, you keep them here then,
and if you win, I win.

I'd rather you played for me anyway.

That's why I don't have any
of those masculine pretensions, you know,

that the man has to run things.
I don't believe that's necessarily true.

If a woman has a brain,

give her the opportunity to use it,

along with other parts.

- Fourteen.
- Card.

Right?

- You think I'm charming?
- Your bet again.

Say.

You're not going to believe this.

I'm looking for a woman.
What do you think? What do you say?

Well, I don't know anything about that.

Because I'm going to tell you the reason.

There are these two guys.

There's two guys,

and they want me to do this thing, and...

- Go away.
- You mean it now, don't you?

- I certainly did mean it. Yes.
- Or we'll call the manager.

Here's the thing that I'm going to
tell you. I'm going to tell you a...

I'm going to tell you something.
I'm going to tell you something now.

I...

Excuse me, ma'am, don't leave.

Don't leave.

Listen to me.
Here's the thing. I'm looking for...

I'm looking for a girl.

- Do you know any?
- Well, yes, but not the sort...

- Come on, lad.
- Why are you telling us all this?

Because I don't know
anybody else in London.

That's a joke. It's a joke!

I don't think it's very funny.
I'm sorry, but we are waiting for somebody.

- Right, right.
- If you don't mind.

- Thank you.
- Right.

Awful. Right? Awful!

- Yes.
- Just awful!

He's mad.

Why don't you sit down?
I'll buy you a drink.

What do you drink? That's terrific.

- What do you drink?
- I'll have a whiskey, please.

You'll have a whiskey. ls that like Scotch?

- Yes, same thing.
- Two Scotch.

I could drink you under the table.

- Bet you couldn't.
- Yeah, I can drink you

right under the table.

I bet you couldn't.

Thank you.

- How did you know I was a Leo?
- How did I know you were a Leo?

There were certain indications.
I looked into your eyes,

I saw it right away. Leo.

You must be a...

You must be a Sagittarian.

Aren't you?

Give me a cigarette there, please.

That's the most amazing thing
I've ever heard.

- But you're very short.
- I'm a Sagittarian, and I'm short.

- Short Sagittarian.
- You have such observation powers,

I can't believe it,
but I have a lot of charm, don't I?

Thing is I'm quite tall.

Yes, I believe that,
but you're also very intelligent

and you're...

You have a biting tongue.

And you're... You... You...

I don't know what you do. Let's see.

You're a...

Gosh, I don't know anything about you.
You're a...

You're a...

Just give me an hour, and I'll think of it.
You're...

Do you like art, theater, music,
language, religion, politics?

- No, I don't like politics.
- What languages do you speak?

- None.
- None?

- English, I'm afraid.
- Do you understand French?

- No.
- I'm going to give you a little bit of French.

Sounds awful. What is it?

It was so dirty, I can't tell you.

You like Italian?

You're making it up. It's not real.

It's not real?
It's not real to you, but it's real to me.

Now watch, can you understand this better?
I love you.

Or can you understand this better?

It doesn't matter
if I repeat it again and again.

You like...

What else do you like?

What are
the Romance languages that interest you?

- What, the sound of them, you mean?
- Absolutely.

- 'Cause I can't understand them.
- Excuse me.

I can't understand them,
so it's only the sound I can...

That you can understand.

Excuse me, can we have another Scotch?

You can understand...

Two doubles, please.

You can understand Latin?

- No, some Latin. A little Latin.
- English, you can understand.

Yes.

Let me tell you something.
Don't move, this is called a whisper.

- How you doing?
- Fine.

Good.

Listen,

you busy, or you going to leave?

All right. I'm doing fine.
What did you say?

Well, I was just wondering if you
were going to hang around or not.

Here's the thing. We
don't know one another,

but my name is Black.

I'm Mr. Black. I'm from New York.
I just got into town.

- Queen.
- I'm new here.

And I just wondered and wondered
if you were

a friendly person, or what do you think?
Listen, I'm a hell of a guy, and...

I uh...

I think you're a lovely lady.

You interest me.

I do?

I see, well,

I'm going to tell you something now.
I'm not very interesting.

I'm a very ordinary guy.
I got a family. I got two kids, so that...

- And that makes it difficult.
- But your family is here with you.

No.

No. No.

No, my family is in New York.

Yeah. Look,

I'll see you around.

- I could satisfy you.
- Don't do that. Don't do that.

- I'm very rich.
- Take your hand off there.

- Do you want girls?
- Take your hand...

- I can give you girls.
- I don't want any girls.

- Do you want boys?
- No.

- I can give you boys.
- Listen to me, listen to me.

I'm a very rough guy.

Good.

Lady...

you got your hand on my hand.

You've got your hand on my hand.

Take your hand off my hand.

Take your hand off my hand.

Listen to me.

You want me to get rough with you?
Because I can lose my head if I have to.

Lady, I'm not alone.

Are you going to take
your hand off my hand?

No.

- You're not?
- No.

You want me to call my friends?

Don't make me lose my head.
Take your hand off my hand.

Take your hand off my hand.

I will take my hand off your hand,
but you got to take your hand

off my hand first.

That's right.

That's right. Now,

come here.

You're terrific.

I'll see you around.

- He wants bobs.
- Give him $3.

- You got bobs?
- Give him $3.

Here take this. That's enough.

Come on in.

Take your coat?

No, no.

Can I keep it on?

Yes.

Take this off.

- Who wants a drink? Anyone want a drink?
- Yes, please. I think I'll have a whiskey.

Whiskey. Harry?

Hello, room service. This is Room 426.
Mr. Black. Mr. Archie Black.

We'd like a bottle of...

Bell's.

A bottle of Bell's whiskey.
And we'd like a...

- Anyone want anything to eat?
- No, thank you.

You want something to drink?

I'd like a shrimp cocktail.

- A double-shrimp cocktail.
- Coca-Cola, please.

- One Coca-Cola.
- And we'd like...

What kind of salad do you have?

- I'd like a...
- One Coca-Cola.

Oh, and one Coca-Cola.
I would like a Belgian endive salad.

Yeah, a Belgian endive with tomato,

and lemon and oil dressing.

Anybody want a salad?
What kind of soup do you have?

Turtle soup. I don't want any soup.
Anyone want any soup? Turtle soup?

- Not for me, thank you.
- No.

Okay, well, that's about the order.

Bring some olives and some nuts
and lots of ice, all right?

Thank you. Thank you.

Well, can I use your loo, please?

- My loo?
- Well, anybody's loo.

- Well, now.
- A loo.

Hey, come here.

That's Archie's loo,
so we don't want to use that loo, so...

And that's Harry's,
and the one after that is mine.

And you'll find it's much more comfortable,
and the heat is always on.

- All right, Leo?
- Yeah.

You're inscrutable.

- Have a match?
- Yeah.

Oh, my, my, my', my-

Oh, my, my. my...

- You all right?
- I'm all right.

I'm all right.

- Is anything the matter, Harry?
- That's all right. It's all right.

- Do you want me to go home?
- No, no, no, no, no.

Sit up.

Sit up.

Now, bend forward. Lean forward. Right.

Oh, that's good. Oh, you're wonderful.

My wife used to do that for me.

Get up. On your feet.

Now, walk.

Will you excuse us a moment, please?
Which is your room?

- It's in there.
- Go on in.

Excuse us.

- I'm going in there.
- Come on.

I left my

cigarettes.

Sorry.

You want the door closed?

'Cause I'll be happy to close it
for you, Archie.

I want to apologize for the behavior
inside. I thought it was crude.

And I want to apologize
for locking the door, too.

- That wasn't necessary. Right?
- Fine.

I think you're too complicated
for your own good.

- You think I'm complicated?
- Yes, I think you're complicated.

Why do you think I'm complicated?

Well...

Go ahead, be honest. Go ahead, be honest.

I don't like your American bluntness.

Banging people on backs

and calling them "pal."

You don't even know them.

And I don't like your silly, sniggering,
schoolboy friends, either.

I think you're nuts.

It's okay, 'cause I like nuts.
I'm a nut myself.

God! That's my throat you're shaking.

Get off!

- This is called the Greek scissor grip.
- Get off me!

It's good for Greeks and scissors.

You know any Greeks?
Any good Greek restaurants, huh?

I love it. All right, just
relax another second.

Relax. Just one second. Relax. Ready?

- Just get off of me.
- Okay. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Please, sweetheart. Lie down.
Just lie down. Lie down a second.

- Let me get comfortable, please.
- No, no, please.

Let go. You're hurting my arm. Thank you.

Now. Now.

Sweetheart, don't do that.

It doesn't make any sense
what you're doing here.

See, just take that down.
What's wrong with your stomach, darling?

- Nothing wrong with it.
- There is, there's something terribly...

There's nothing wrong with it.
I just don't want to be touched.

- Can I... Can I...
- No, I don't want to be touched.

- Let me take your shoes off!
- I don't want...

- Please, let me just take your...
- I don't want my shoes taken off!

- I don't want my shoes taken off.
- I only took one off. The other one stays on.

- Just let me take this one.
- Get off me.

I'm a shoe eater.

- Oh, I love that kind of half violence...
- Get off me!

...half indolence. Darling, I see everything.
I swear. Now put your skirts down.

Go ahead. Please, please.
And this one, too. I can't stand that.

Please. Please. I just wanna see...

I'm so drunk.

- Stay there, please. Just lie still.
- Do you love me?

No, I don't.

- Please, just lie still.
- See that light?

- Yon light?
- Yes.

Yon English light heads blazing bright!

Oh, you're mad! Please, lie down.
Please, lie down.

- Lie down? Lie down.
- Yes. Yes, lie down.

All right, I will.

Just relax a moment. Just relax.
Look, it's not that important. Just relax.

I'm gonna get you in one second.
I'm gonna go mad.

- I'm gonna go mad.
- No, please, don't go mad.

- Please, don't go mad.
- I'm going to go mad.

You're not going to achieve anything
by going mad.

I'm not gonna go mad.
I'm not gonna go mad.

- Now, get off me!
- Did someone get on you?

- I don't want... I don't want...
- Did you know I was schizophrenic?

I kill women in bed, then I pick my nose.

God.

- I'm mad! I'm mad! I'm mad!
- Get off me!

I'm half mad, half man.
I'm half mad, half man.

Do you understand what that means?
Will you kiss my lip?

- Get off me!
- Here. This lip.

- I don't want to kiss your...
- I love you.

I don't want anything to do with you.
Get off me! Get off...

Okay, watch out. I'm not gonna do anything.

...me!

I can't go through this anymore.
I'm exhausted, sheerly exhausted.

You're bigger than I am. You beat
the shit out of me. I'm just tired.

Oh, please. No, I can't. I can't.
I can't go on anymore. Honestly, I can't.

- Don't.
- Please.

- Don't go on anymore.
- Please.

- I'm getting...
- Look, just relax, please.

- Archie! Hurry!
- Oh, gosh...

- I'm about to enter...
- You're mad!

- ...the portals of hell!
- Get off me!

You're strangling me! Get up...

- How can I get you... I can't even help you.
- Let me get... Get off! Get off me, please!

One kiss, one kiss, one kiss.
The werewolf is attacking.

- My voice is...
- Get off me!

I'm in fast speed! Don't stick
your tongue out, I'll bite it off!

I'm almost choking! Get off.
I'm gonna choke!

- I can't help you.
- Get off!

All right, now, look. Can you help me up?
Just push on my neck. Push on my neck.

That's it!
Now, I'll get you out if you'll help me.

Now, just stay there. Don't move
'cause you're in a dangerous spot.

Careful! Oh, God!

You scream like a fishwife.

Now, let me take you
to a more comfortable spot.

Oh, please, leave me alone.

More comfortable, more comfortable.
You'll love it. You'll love it.

Please, just come over here. I can't
work out of the light. I'm a dentist.

- Now!
- Oh, I think you're out of your tiny mind!

Darling, I can't kiss you from here.

It is physically impossible.
Even your elbow is out of my reach.

- Could you help me?
- Pass it...

- Could you help me?
- ...my dear.

All right then, I'm gonna get brutal.
I'm gonna get like a maniac again!

I'm gonna... You love it, don't you?
Lookit! Lookit!

You love it!

You love it! You love it!

I love it.

It's about time. One kiss, one kiss.
Just one kiss for my mother.

Kiss me like my mother, will you?
I've always been a mother-kisser!

You like it? You know this one?

I... I don't want to...

See, I don't want to make it uncomfortable
for you.

That's what I'm thinking about.
Not making it uncomfortable for you.

I'm trying...

If we could laugh... If you could laugh,
you see, that would be better.

That would be better if...

See, I like to laugh like...

It's... Laughing is good, you know.

But we don't have to laugh.

No, we could talk.

You talk?

If you talk, say what's on your mind...

I'm a terrific listener.
I'll listen to whatever you have to say.

I'm sure there are things
that you would like to tell me.

Get it out.

Could be broken English, I don't care.

Don't do that! Don't...
When I say don't, don't!

What are you, making a sucker out of me?

Come up in this room and lie down.
Who are you kidding?

What do you think, I'm a fool? I'm no fool.

Come near you, and I suck wind!
Make a sucker out of me.

Talk to you, and you don't answer me.
Who you kidding?

You probably speak English.

Speak Chinese, anything!
Just say something!

Lie there.

Don't get up, you don't leave,
just lie there. Terrific.

Just lie there like a virgin.
I want to go to bed. You lie there.

I'm afraid to talk to you.
I'm afraid you'll break,

and you give me tongue.

Order Coca-Cola, and then give me tongue.

Boy, I can tell you were in the chorus.

The way you kiss.

Is that the way to kiss in Japan?

Where you from?
ls that where you're from? Japan?

What's the difference?

I'm an American. I'm from New York.

You're Oriental, and I'm from New York.

Order Coca-Cola, and then give me tongue.

That's the part I don't get.

Give me tongue and order Coca-Cola,
I could understand that.

What's the difference?

Probably part of the tradition
in your country. I don't know about that.

I took a chance.

All my life, guys have been telling me,
"Archie, take a chance."

Well, I took a chance.

Tell me, "Let it out,
let it out." Suck wind!

Next time I let it out,
it's gonna be in a sailboat.

- In all the years I've been married...
- I know.

I know.

I just...

You know, it's goddamned strange.
That's all.

It's a strange thing.

- What's so strange?
- Well, I feel...

I feel so goddamned disloyal.

I feel like my heart is breaking.

You're terrific.

You're a wonderful girl.

- Hello.
- Hi, Mary.

- Do you want a coffee?
- Coffee, coffee, yes, coffee.

Can we have two, please? Black or white?

- White.
- Two whites.

This is my friend, Gus Demetri.

I live around here.

- Do I embarrass you?
- Terribly.

Oh, Gus, you're so laconic!
Come on, wake up! Do something! Come on!

- Do something? Jesus.
- Look, move your feet or something.

- They're too bruised.
- Go on. And now your hands.

And laugh.

Now say something funny.

Say something funny,
so I can attack you. Go.

Let's see. I hate aggressive women.

- Come on, don't get sensitive on me.
- All right. So, you don't like me. All right.

- Just don't get sensitive, that's all.
- I don't care anyway. I mean, who are you?

You're nobody, are you?
Just met you. Doesn't matter.

I don't need you anyway.

Gus, stop.

- I know what it was.
- What was it?

Big Mary tired little Gussie out
last night. Couldn't take the pace.

No. Big Mary tired little Gussie out
this morning, not last night.

I hate your silly little white hands.
Your silly, stupid, little white hands.

I hate men with little white hands!

- I have little white hands, but they're...
- I hate yours especially!

They're heavily marked.
They're beautiful hands.

They have beautiful signs in them.

Mine are better.

- I don't think they are.
- Of course they are.

They are. They're better and
they're cleaner and bigger.

You don't know anything.

You have long legs like a horse.

What about yours?
Little, tiny, short legs, don't you?

Little, tiny, tiny, short, short legs!

You think those are my legs?
These are my real legs?

Gus? Did I...

Did I really misunderstand
everything you said last night?

- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Did I misinterpret it all? Everything?

- Misinterpret what?
- Gus!

- Now, don't get violent.
- No, Gus! Look at me, please, Gus.

Do you like me?

I'm crazy about you.

You're not.

You're blonde.
You're blonde and you're tall,

and as long as you're blonde and tall...

Now, just be charming.

- I don't want to be charming!
- Come on...

- I don't... Please, I... Gus...
- Be charming. Be charming.

I don't want to be... Shut up!

Get off... Shut up. Please, I don't...

Mary, what do you want me to do?
You want me to say, "Will you marry me?"

Listen, there's no cabs. It's impossible.
Wait here, and I'll call for one.

Where are you going?

Hey, where are you going in the rain?

Where you going in the rain? Julie?

You believe me now? There are no cabs.

You believe me now?
There are no cabs. No cabs.

Thanks.

- Gus.
- Oh, come in.

I got to talk to you.

Now, here's the thing, Gus.

Listen to me. Hey, Gus, I got a problem.

- You got a problem?
- I got a problem.

I want you to hear this. Hear me out now.

- Archie, I want to ask you one question.
- This is a crisis in my life...

- One question.
- Now, listen to me what I'm telling you.

Do you think...
You think that I'm a selfish guy.

- I don't think you're a selfish guy, and...
- You don't think I'm a selfish guy?

- Here's the thing, Gus.
- You don't know me.

- Gus, you're gonna listen to what I say?
- Want to hear something funny?

I want to tell you what's on my mind, Gus.

- Harry left all this furniture in here.
- I'm not interested in that.

What's his furniture doing here?

I don't know
what his furniture is doing here.

You know that gawky girl
I was out with last night? Mary?

You know, the great big one?

What are you doing
leaning on Harry's furniture?

Gus, I'm crazy about that Chinese girl.
Will you listen to me?

- I'm crazy about the Chinese girl.
- What do you want me to do?

Marry the Chinese girl for you?
I'm crazy about a 6'3" girl.

- I'm in deep trouble, Gus.
- I don't wanna go home!

Emotionally, I am in deep trouble.
Now, listen to me. I am serious now.

Why didn't you tell me in the hallway?
Why do you wait now to tell me?

- Because...
- Why didn't you tell me in the hallway

when we were out in the hallway?
You gave me the cold shoulder.

- You're going in the room by yourself.
- How long I known you, Gus?

- I'm gonna put my...
- We gotta go home.

- I'm gonna put my problems on you...
- We gotta go...

That's right, we gotta go home.
We gotta go home.

There's only one problem. Stop laughing.
I don't wanna go home! You hear me?

- Hey...
- Now, what are we going to do?

- Archie.
- What are we gonna do?

- We got one inside...
- Harry is Harry.

- Right now, Harry...
- We got two lovely wives, you know.

The only problem is to go home,
and make love to them.

- That's it there.
- Got pneumonia.

We got five children between us.
I hope they're individual.

We have two houses.

We got four garages.

We got two cars.

You trying to tell me we're not going home?

We're going home.

The only thing to do is
to play it cool. See?

Understand? Play it cool.

- Play it cool?
- Play it cool.

That's right.
We just go in, and we play it cool.

- You're in love with a Chink.
- And you're in love with a giant.

You got a basketball player,
and I got an Oriental,

- and now we play it cool.
- Let's tell the moon dog.

- If he starts to cry...
- I'm freezing to death, I'm telling you.

Cutting him out, that's all. That's all.

- If he says one thing...
- That's all!

...right in the kisser!

Go in, tell him goodbye, out, finished,
that's all.

Open the door. Open the door.

Better knock.

Harry, we disturbing you?

- Listen, Harry.
- I must be crazy

- because I have three...
- Harry.

- ...of the loveliest ladies...
- Harry.

- ...you have ever seen in your life.
- Harry.

- Harry, Gus and I had a talk.
- Yeah, yeah. What, what, what?

- We're going home!
- We're going home!

- And that's it!
- I know! Think I don't know?

- Let's go inside. Come on.
- Hey!

Come on, come on, just for a little while.

- Harry...
- Just for a little while!

- Gus.
- Listen...

Harry.

Diana. Margaret.
And Margaret and Jacky. ls that right?

- That's right. Hi.
- How do you do?

- This is Archie.
- How are you?

- And this is Gus.
- And how do you do?

- How do you do, Archie?
- How do you do?

They're my best friends.

- How do you do?
- How are you?

- Fine, thank you.
- We're fine. Very fine.

- How are you?
- I'm fine. How are you?

- Good.
- Diana and I were just discussing...

Disgusting?

Discussing how amazing life is.

Tell Gus and Archie how amazing life...

Mag and Jacky and I,

we went into a little tea shop
to get out of the rain.

All steamy, you know?

And we hadn't been in there long
and suddenly this...

This charming man appeared.

And you know how it is.
You sometimes feel something's going on.

You don't necessarily see
it, but you feel it.

And we looked,
and there was a great big Cheshire grin,

just sitting there, alone,
but with this great grin on his face.

Yeah, Harry.

I drink to men, and to Harry.

- You what? I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.
- I drink to men, and to Harry.

- I drink to that.
- What about Gus and Archie?

All right, Gus, of course.

Oh, I beg your pardon. That was Archie.
And Gus.

- Yeah, we had a hell of a time.
- What did you say your name was?

- Diana.
- Diana. Diana what?

- Diana Mallabee.
- Mallabee. I didn't realize that.

Mallabee. Mallabee. A wallaby.

- Are you one of the Mallabees from...
- One of the Wallabies?

- You know what a wallaby is?
- Yes, I do.

- It's like a rabbit.
- No, it's not.

- No? What is it? A kangaroo.
- A kind of kangaroo.

Yes, they jump, I believe.

- Yeah, we have them in Port Washington.
- Where?

- Port Washington. That's in Long Island.
- You have Wallabies?

- Wallabies. Oh, yeah.
- Must be in a zoo?

- Oh, no, they run wild there.
- I don't believe it.

Oh, yeah, we got...

- ls he going completely nuts?
- Yes.

Also, he's a marvelous singer.

Wonderful voice.

To a what?

- More champagne.
- More champagne.

- That's it. Are you cold?
- No. I'm leaving soon.

Thank you very much.
It was nice meeting you.

- Well, I'm glad you...
- Yeah.

More champagne.

- That's right.
- It was brief, wasn't it?

- I can't win.
- Yeah, we had a good time.

Nice talking to you.

- Harry!
- Yes?

I want to tell you something.

This is something
that I learned a long time ago.

- What?
- Listen to this. It's this.

Come here, one second.

Look.

- Isn't that terrific?
- Gus! Gus! Gus!

Do your cigarette trick! Gussie!

- I will do my cigarette... Can I have a...
- I want Gus to do a cigarette trick.

- Watch the smoke.
- This is unbelievable.

- Watch the smoke.
- This is one of the greatest tricks of all time.

- Right.
- You'll tell your children about this.

- Watch the fingers. Watch the mouth.
- Watch carefully.

- Watch the smoke.
- Don't take your eyes off this.

Watch the Nazi perform...

I adore you, Gus. You're my best friend.

- You're mine.
- And you're my best friend.

- You're out of line.
- He's my second best friend.

- You're out of line.
- Don't get mad. I just can't...

- I'm not mad, Harry.
- Don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.
I'm telling you you're out of line.

- Now, don't put me on the spot like this.
- Why is he out of line?

- Why is he out of line?
- Right.

What are you, a total moron?

We're married.

Archie and I have five children between us.
We have two wives, not between us.

But we have two wives.

- And he has...
- I have three children.

I needed this bad.

- Would you like us to go, Harry?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- But, you know, if you go...
- I don't want to go.

...you'll be replaced by someone else.
No offense, my darling Diana.

- Don't want to go.
- Don't go, my angel.

I don't care. I don't care anymore.
I don't feel threatened about anything.

- Now, I propose a toast to men.
- To men, too.

I don't want her to get
the wrong impression.

What is that?

- Go on.
- What?

I don't know the words.

Get some cigarettes. Arch!

Can I help you?

Package of Winston
and a package of Marlboro.

- All right.
- Can I help you, sir? Can I help you?

- I'll have a Mini-Baby.
- Mini-Baby.

Keep the change.

Now, let's divide up these toys.

- You have your Mini-Baby?
- What's he gonna do without us?

- Carol Sue, that's mine.
- What's he gonna do without us, Arch?

- You have your orange thing?
- Archie, what's he gonna do without us?

You have your orange thing?
You have your orange thing.

Captains' hats?
You got three captains' hats?

You have your captains' hats.

I need a sailor hat. Got three sailor hats.

You have your jet racer?
Where's your jet racer?

I got it.

Where's my camera?
I don't have my camera. I need a camera.

I need my dog, the one with...
I got my dog.

- Will you put the...
- You keep the pussies. This is yours.

All right, that's it with the toys.

What's he gonna do without us?

What's he gonna do without us?

Hi, baby. Hi, sweetie. What's the matter?

Baby, what is it?

Dad!

Oh, boy, you're in trouble!

Mom! Mom! Dad's home! Yeah, Mom!

What's she got there?

Okay, let's take these all out here.

Do you want to take it?

No, Nick. Now, bring
that toy back here now.

- How are you, Nick?
- Just fine. How are you, Dad?

- Hiya, bud.
- Where were you?

- Want to help your sister with these?
- Sure.

You want to take one, darling?
Or you want me to carry it for you?

Hurry up, Mom! Dad's home!
Come on, Mom! Why don't you hurry up?