Hurlyburly (1998) - full transcript

Hurts, don't it?

I know how you feel.

Hi, this is Darlene.

I can't come to the phone,
but I want to get back to you...

so please don't disappoint me.

Of course you can't come
to the phone, Darlene.

But why is that, Mickey?

I'm semi-stupefied.

I want to get back to you,
so please don't disappoint me.

OK, now I'm fucking comatose.

What?



Are you awake or not?

I don't know. You?

It's over.

- What?
- Everything!

What everything?

Me and Susie.

I really fucked up this time.

We had a big, big fight.
Bigger than the last one.

What did you do, shoot her?

You didn't shoot her, Phil?

Well, then she'll take you back.

She always does.
You want me to call her?

No. She'll give you
the fucking business.

She hates you.



What are you talking about?
Susie don't hate me.

She hates you. She told me
in the middle of the fight.

Well, fuck her, the whore.

I was surprised, too.

She acted like she liked me.

I thought she liked me.

You got any weed?
I need some weed.

What's the situation?

She don't like anybody,
the bitch?

What did she say about me?

You know, we're friends.

She thinks
we got something in common.

We're friends
on the basis of what, Phil?

Opposites.
We're totally dissimilar.

It's the entire basis
of our friendship.

Of course.

She's got to dump all this
horseshit all over me...

whatever it was.

What's she thinking?

I don't think she thinks.

None of them do.

I don't know what they do.

They express their feelings.

My feelings are hurt, too.

Mine, too.

I come home
in the middle of the night...

I'm ripped.
She could have some sympathy...

for the fact
I'm on a talking jag.

She could let me run my mouth.

I'll fall asleep.
Where's the problem?

She can't do that.

No. She's got to start
nitpicking.

She starts undermining
my whole fucking point of view.

I had all these ideas
in my head, then they were gone.

There was just this disgusting
cloud fucking with me.

What do you mean?

You know, this fog.

It was talking to me
with her face on it.

Right in front of me!
But it wasn't just her...

but this cloud saying
all these mean things...

about my ideas
and everything about me.

That I was shit,
and this cloud knew it.

And that's when it happened.
I whacked her.

Is she all right?

She was scared,
and I was scared.

I don't know if I was yelling
I was gonna kill her...

or she was yelling
she was gonna kill me.

Somebody was threatening
somebody, though.

- Definitely.
- OK.

So, try to remember.

Was it before
you whacked her...

or after you whacked her...

that she made this reference
to me?

That she hated you?

You know what I think?

What?

She hates men.

What do you mean?

She hates you, she hates me.

Artie, too!

Artie, Eddie, Phil, are men!

She hates men!
It's a goddamn syllogism.

That's right!
It's a goddamn syllogism!

Only that's not how it works.

What are you guys doing
down here?

Phil's left Susie again.
This time it's final.

Really?
So what are you screaming about?

Deceitful bitch
has been bad-mouthing Eddie.

If you go back to her,
I'll never speak to you again.

No, I am done with her!

Hey, you guys
are in a fucking frenzy here!

Why don't you have
some breakfast?

Eat an orange, why don't you?
Calm down. Where's the fruit?

Never any fruit in this house,
you know?

Someone has got to go shopping.

It's like living
in a frat house.

Edward... what are you doing?

Gotta wake up.
How can I wake up?

He's gotta wake up.

Some people have coffee.

Caffeine's poison.
Don't you know that?

So what is this,
Bolivian health food?

Hey, I found some Sno-balls!

I found some disgusting,
moldy, pink Sno-balls...

that we can have along
with our Bolivian blow...

for breakfast, Eddie!

So, Phil,
your personal life's a shambles.

How's your career?

I'm up for some very interesting
parts at the moment.

My agent said this new cop show
for NBC, I'm a lock.

That's how close I am.

I've been back six times.

The director and I hit it off.
It's very exciting.

Really? Who's the director?

He's this terrific
Thomas Leighton.

Bullshit. He's a scumbag...

who likes to jerk around
tough guys like you.

Have you back 100 times,
you get nothing.

No. My agent said he liked me.

It's between me and
this other guy who's taller.

I mean, depending on
who they cast for the lead...

if he's a different type
than me, I got a good shot.

Leads are always a different
physical type than you.

This is America. This is TV.

Why are you discouraging me for?

I'm not.

No, this is Eddie's
particular talent...

to effortlessly
discourage people.

You have certain marketable
human qualities to exploit.

You have certain qualities...

you have to exploit them.
We know the M.O. Out here.

They take an interesting story
and distort it.

Cut the truth out
on the basis it's unappealing...

but leave the surface
so it's familiar.

Cars, trucks, trees, hats,
so they got their scam...

but that's where you come in.

They need a lot
of authentic sounding people...

such as yourself
who need a buck.

So, like every other whore
in this town, myself included...

you lend whatever little bit
of truth you can scrounge up...

to this total systematic sham!

Thereby exonerating the viewer
from having to confront...

the fact he's spending his life
face-to-face with shit.

That's all I'm saying.
Forget the Leighton thing.

Forget about it?
I got nothing else to do!

There's this thing
we got going down the road.

There might be something
in it good for you.

You got a script?

Yeah. I don't want to hear
about the quality, though...

'cause it's total shit.

Eddie, try not to get
too fucked up.

One of us has that meeting
in less than two hours.

This is total shit, huh?

Total.

But there might be
something in it for me?

Where you going?

I'm gonna go read it
and pass out. I'm beat.

It's been one exhausting thing
I went through today.

Valium's by the bed.

Do you realize you're toking up
at 8:58 in the morning...

on top of the shit
you already put up your nose?

You're going to show up to work
with a radish for a face.

You're going to show up there
talking like a fish.

You don't have to worry
about me.

What kind of tone is that?

That's my tone.

Yeah, but what does it mean?

My tone. What does my tone mean?

I don't have to interpret
my fucking tone for you.

I don't know what it means.

OK. Well, just don't get
clandestine on me.

That's all I'm saying.

Well, there's just not a lot
of dynamite ladies out there...

anywhere you look, Mickey,
as we both know.

Hey, Eddie, we hit it off,
you know?

I mean, I asked you.

Absolutely.

I'm not claiming
any reprehensible behavior...

on anybody's part.

We're all sophisticated people.

Darlene and I certainly
had no exclusive commitment...

to each other of any kind.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

There's no confusion here.

Just have a little empathy,
for Christ's sake.

I mean, I bring home
this very special lady...

to my house to meet
my best friend and roommate.

Why do we have
to go through this?

I'm just trying to tell a story.

Nobody's to blame.
Certainly not you.

You came to me.

You'd experienced these vibes...

between you and Darlene,
isn't that what you said?

Couldn't you have said no?

Couldn't you have
categorically said no?

But you said, Eddie, you said...

"Everybody's free, Mickey."

That is what you said.

Look, I just want to verify
for you, Mickey...

everybody is free!

So, what's this, then?

You mean this conversation?

This is just me
trying to maintain...

a viable relationship
with reality.

OK? I want to make sure
I haven't drifted off...

into some solitary, paranoid
fantasy system...

of my own totally unfounded
and idiosyncratic invention.

I want to be in reality.

You want me to be in reality?

Personally, I want us both
to be in reality. Come on!

Absolutely. That's what I want.

I want us both to be in reality.
Absolutely.

Generals.

Casting.

So, you cover the generals,
I'll take this Turner meeting?

Or you take the meeting,
I'll do the generals.

I'll do the generals.

Good. Anything else
we need to cover?

Oh, I was wondering.

You came in this morning about...
something like 6:02.

So dinner must have
been successful.

I mean, these vibes.

Must have been serious.

I mean, sustaining, right?

Right. Yeah. You know.

Or does it mean that...

and I'm just trying to get
the facts straight here...

does it mean that you...

fucked her?

Right.

Did I fuck Darlene?

Last night?

Tiffany, can you confirm lunch?
I'm on my way out.

What I mean is...

things happen.

But if this bothers you...

I don't have to see her again.

I mean that.

It's not worth our friendship.
You know that.

Mickey, the last thing I want...

is to interfere
with any possibility...

for happiness in your life.

Believe me, Eddie,
this was not a possibility...

for happiness in my life.

It was in mine!

It was such a possibility
in mine!

I think maybe
you might have things...

a little out of proportion.

Yeah, so? Do me a breakdown.

I think that maybe
she's not as dynamite a lady...

as you might think, that's all.

Fuck you!

Go!

You always go a little crazy
about women.

You want to let it go?
Just let it go!

I think it's important you
think about the possibility...

You won't think about it?

Are you bad-mouthing Darlene
to get off the hook?

Don't think you can do that!

It's not that
I don't understand.

It's that I do understand.

I'm just not so fucking
sophisticated...

as to be
beyond the entire thing.

You know what I mean?

My heart is broken.

Absolutely.

You didn't tell us
you got married.

Oh, her?
No, I found her on the elevator.

You want her?

What do you mean?

I mean, it's too crowded...

Artie, the pool.

Right. She wants to go swimming
in the pool.

You do? Hi, I'm Mickey.

I'd love to watch you swimming
in our pool.

Great, Mickey.

I'm Donna.

Cute, Artie. Very cute.

So, you want her, huh?

You keep saying that, Artie.

You know, I was going out
for coffee this morning...

and she's on
the goddamn elevator.

I come back. There she is.

An hour later,
that's a coincidence.

But then I come back
from lunch...

she's on the elevator.

She's living in the elevator.

She said her boyfriend
tried to kill her...

so she was staying
off the street.

Why'd he try to kill her?

She said he was moody.

So I took her in,
then figured I don't need her.

And maybe you guys need her...

because I figured, you know,
hey, you're desperate guys.

So I figured on the way over
to the studio I'd drop her by...

and you can keep her
like a little care package.

So you're giving her to us?

What are we supposed
to do with her?

He needs an instruction manual.

Does she come with one?

This is a perfectly viable
piece of ass I've brought...

and you're acting like, what?

Are we in sync or not?

So she'll be like this pet.
Is that what you're saying?

And we can keep her...

and fuck her if we want to?

- Right.
- Sure.

Just to stay in practice
in case you run into a woman.

I guess he hasn't heard
about Darlene.

I guess you haven't heard
about Darlene, Artie.

Don't start that again.

Mickey has gotten himself
involved...

with this
truly dynamite bitch...

in a very serious relationship.

So I don't think he's gonna
have much interest...

In this bimbo you brought by...

for fear of contaminating
his feelings.

Is that the same Darlene, Eddie?

'Cause you had a Darlene.

Mickey, did you guys switch?

I miss everything.

You're in a serious
relationship?

That's terrific.

Except I'm not serious
about anything, Artie.

You want to live with us
for a while, Donna?

All right. I gotta go.

All she's gotta do for me...

is come by my apartment a couple
times a day and walk my dog.

Right.

What if she runs away?

No, she...
You're getting me wet.

Don't get me wet.

Go see Mickey.

Go see him.
He's right over there.

She worked
the last time I used her.

If you want a guarantee,
call the manufacturer.

I'm not the manufacturer,
all right?

You're the retailer.

From the look in your eye...

I'm the goddamn
charity organization.

Thank you.

God.

So where are you going?
You got a meeting?

I'm having a drink with Ross.

You and Ross,
you got a deal, right?

As a matter of fact,
things look good.

They look very good. I mean...

who can tell in this town?

Did he write the check?

If he wrote the check,
you got a deal.

OK, so he didn't yet.

Then you don't yet.
If he didn't yet, you don't yet.

Why are you being
such a prick to me?

Envy.

I didn't think you knew.

You're parked over there.

You think I don't know
what I'm feeling?

Well, it happens.

So...

if Artie hadn't invited
you off this elevator...

would you still be on it?

I saw some interesting things
when I was on it.

Like what?

Different people.

I mean, you could hear
the conversations.

Some talked about the rooms
and the hotel carpeting.

There was sometimes desperation.

You couldn't get a handle on it.

And they talked about
their clothes.

So you would have evidently
starved to death...

just mesmerized by
this spellbinding panorama...

on this elevator
if it hadn't been for Artie.

I'd have got off to eat.

I think I took too many Valium.

What time is it?

Look at this.
Artie brought her by.

For us, like a care package.

What do you mean?

A care package.

For you and I, not Mickey.

What?

No, didn't you hear him?
This is a care package...

for guys without
serious relationships.

This is a care package
for guys like Phil and I.

Guys who are not having
any serious relationship.

What are you guys talking about?

Fucking you.

You want to go upstairs, Donna?

Seriously, I'm involved in this?

You're a son of a bitch!

No. Not for you, Mickey.

I said no!

What are you gonna do?

What, you came out here
to get in the movies?

- We were hitchhiking.
- Yeah? Where to?

The Grand Canyon.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

It's not in L.A.

I know. I just kept going
and going and going.

Get the hell out.

Mickey around?

Not yet.

You look great.

Facade.

Yeah. What isn't?

I just feel... Wow! You know?

You're not giving this situation
a second thought?

I mean, you, me, us, Mickey?

Don't be crazy.

Well, I have my mad side.
Thanks.

I have my feelings.

No, I didn't mean mad
when I said crazy.

I think mad implies
a certain grandeur.

I think I meant something
more like silly.

What are you getting at?

I'm not exactly certain.

Are you exactly uncertain?

I feel like you're stalking me.

You asked me a question.

I also asked you
to forget about it.

But you're not denying
that you asked it.

Or are you a liar
on top of everything else?

All right. So answer, please.

I think a little sensitivity
is in order.

I might be confused,
I admit that...

but I don't know.

I guess this is all too much
of something for you.

A liar on top of what else?

You said liar
on top of everything else.

I did?

A second ago, Eddie.

- What was I talking about?
- Me.

I'm late, I know.

I'm late. I just... Oh, God.

Sorry.

How you guys doing?

Great.

Where are we?

Who are these people?

This is a place for what?

Somebody tell me.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to venture
a thought...

that I might regret
down the road...

and anticipating that regret...

makes me, you know, hesitate...

so we're going to have
to put this...

through a multiprocessing
here, but...

voyeuristic as it might be...

I've been watching
you guys for a while.

And what I saw out here...

it really was passion.

Sure, it was a squabble,
anybody could have heard that...

but what I heard was more.

Now everybody knows
I'm basically on a goof now.

I'm going back to my wife
and kids sooner or later...

and I don't hide that fact
from anybody.

I think that fact was crucial...

to the development
of this whole thing.

Because it made me, what? Safe?

A viable diversion
from what might have been...

a genuine, meaningful,
maybe even more so...

threatening connection
between you two.

I'm not gonna pretend
I wasn't up for it, too.

Nice dinner, couple jokes.
That's my style.

Good wine,
we've got to spend the night...

and I don't mean to be crass
because the point is...

maybe we've been made fools of
by our own sophistication.

What am I protecting by not
saying something about it?

My vanity, my ego? Who needs it?

So, I'm standing over there...

thinking here's this terrific
guy, this dynamite lady.

They're obviously,
definitely hooked up...

on some powerful,
idiosyncratic channel.

So, what am I doing
in the middle?

Am I totally off-base here,
Eddie, or what?

Well, of course,
you're not totally...

from my end of it.

For my own well-being...

I don't want to serve
as the instrument...

of some neurotic, triangular
bullshit between you two.

I certainly haven't felt right...
good.

Well, it all happened so fast.

I know, I met Eddie,
then he introduces me to you.

It was too fast.

So it's the electronic age,
but we're people, not computers.

The whole program
cannot be reprogrammed...

without some resolution
of the initial thing...

that started everything.

So, I'm gonna...

I don't know...

go... out... somewhere.

Now.

And you guys
just go with the flow.

You know?

See where it takes you.

I mean... a year ago...

I was a basket case.

If we'd met a year ago,
I wouldn't have had a prayer.

Me, too. I mean...

a year ago, I was nuts.

You know, I still have things
to think through.

Well, me, too.

I feel good. Better.

Scared, too, but mainly good.

By thinking...

I don't just mean some mental,
ethereal thing...

but being with people...

being with you
is part of the thinking.

That's how I'm doing it.

It's just I have to go slow.

There's no rush, Eddie.

I can't rush.

If I rush, I panic.

And no guilt.
We don't need the guilt.

I'm gonna be out of town a lot.
We both have our lives.

Gotta keep our options open.

And our hearts, OK?

Yeah. I mean...

the right attitude.

Exactly. You know...

if we have the attitude...

By attitude,
I don't just mean attitude.

I mean real emotional space.

We're all so all over the place
all the time.

Self-absorbed.

And distracted.

I am almost always distracted.
Aren't you?

Absolutely.

Everything distracts me
from everything else.

Everything is very distracting.

But you know
what I find mostly...

what I find
the biggest distraction?

Me. Myself.

I mean, I am my own
biggest distraction.

You know,
just getting it together.

Getting my head together,
my act together.

Our little minds just...

What do they think
they're doing?

I've been so all alone

Yeah, I want to be there now

So this broad is always here.

What is she, a chair?

She's got the TV on,
she's got the stereo on.

Who are you working for,
the electric company?

Who are you talking to, Phil?

Eddie ain't here.

I was just talking to him,
you dumb bitch.

That's what
I was trying to explain.

Why don't you get off my back,
you dumb bitch?

You're on me all the time.

- I ain't.
- The hell you ain't!

Boy, you really are
an insulting form of person!

Honest to God,
let a person have some rest!

Will you listen to this airhead?

How's everything?

Terrific.
It's all totally fucked up...

which I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I thought you were here.
I sounded like this asshole...

and this ditz
has got to get on me about it.

I don't want you bothering Phil,
Donna.

I wasn't, Eddie.

What is it that makes her tick?

Will you answer me that
goddamn question? Will you?

What?

Listen...

I come here to watch football.

I come here to see Eddie
or watch a football game.

And talk over some important
issues that pertain to my life.

What the fuck makes you tick?

What's he talking about?

Ask him.

Look, I'm begging you.

I don't want to see you here.

I come here,
and you gotta be here?

I'm thinking about football,
and you gotta be here?

With your tits and your ass
and your shrunken clothes...

and your shriveled jeans?

Football doesn't have a chance
against it!

It's like this invasion
of tits and ass...

overwhelming
my own individuality...

so there's nothing left
except you and tits and ass...

and suckin' and fuckin'
as far as I can see!

My privacy has been demolished!

Who's playing?

Who's playing what?

Football.

None of your fucking business!

I like it.

You're nuts. Are you nuts?

You want to watch
the football game?

You know nothing about it.

I do. I know the points
and the insignias and...

That's not the game.

And when they go through the air
and they catch it.

I want you out of here.
You hear me?

I know about the mascots.

The mascots
are not the fucking game.

And I know about the chalk talk
and the Xs...

That's the game!

That's the fucking game!

What's this now?

She's crying. What the fuck's
the matter with her?

He hit me.

She wants to know
about the game.

- What game?
- Football!

Eddie, am I bleeding?

This is shit.

What happened?

I don't know.
It was over too fast.

What?

This thing here.
Whatever happened here.

I gotta run some errands.

Me and Darlene are going
to the desert.

You coming?

So guess what, Eddie?
It's almost decided.

I'm almost decided
about going back to Susie.

I can't stand it, Eddie.

The loneliness in some form
of total, unusual insanity...

is creeping up on me.

I'm starting to think
that maybe if we had a kid...

everything, or at least
the main things, might be OK.

What kid?

We're trying to have a kid.

You and Susie?

Yeah. Eddie, wake up here!

She wants a kid.
All her friends are having them.

It's that goddamn maternal urge.

The biological clock's
like a time bomb.

The confusing thing is me.

Sometimes
I want to have a kid...

then sometimes,
like for the last month or so...

I see this little baby
with a big gun to my head.

So you don't want the kid?

I do, and I don't.

Ever think this is why
the two of you fight so much?

If you do go back,
you gotta get some clarity.

So you both know
what the issues are. How much?

Twenty six dollars.

That makes sense
except she has to have one now.

She doesn't have
to have one now.

I tried telling her that, Eddie.

I got three kids in Toledo.

I don't even know
how old they are.

I haven't seen them
since I went to prison.

I don't want any more kids
lying in their beds at night...

with this sick fucking hatred
of me. I can't stand it.

I mean, Phil,
there is involved here...

this future person totally
dependent on your goodwill.

I know, but she's desperate.
I can't stand it when she cries.

That's no reason to have a kid.

You got any weed?
I need some weed...

'cause this
is fucking depressing.

First things first,
that's what I'm saying.

Like what?

Look, you're not thinking.

You're just gonna go there,
hope for the best.

Just leave it to luck
she won't be pregnant?

No, fuck, no.

You don't stand a chance,
you do that.

No, I got that covered.

Listen, there's nothing
to worry about on that score.

I've been taking this stuff,
messing myself up...

which is why we ain't pregnant
at this very minute.

My sperm count is monstrous
on its own.

What do you mean?

I have a very high sperm count.
It's record-setting.

What stuff?

Stuff that's harmful
to the sperm.

Wait. Instead of telling her
what you want...

you're taking some kind
of fucking poison?

This is crazy, Phil.
This is nuts.

It's not poison.

Tell her what's going on.
You can tell her, right?

- Sure.
- OK. So do it.

Eddie, you mad at me?

Are you sure? Because...

I'm just excited.

Sometimes I get like I'm angry
when I'm excited, OK?

Good, because you are
absolutely 100% right...

in everything you're saying.

But if I don't do it,
what's gonna happen?

You gotta do it, Phil!

I know that, and I will,
without a doubt,

but I just want to know
what kind of latitude I have...

regarding our friendship
if my mind gets changed.

What did she do, hypnotize you?
Is this voodoo here?

You're a grown man!
You asked me, I'm telling you!

Tell her!

I'm talking about
our friendship here.

Our friendship
doesn't matter here!

Our friendship is totally,
categorically irrelevant here!

What are you saying?

I'm trying
to run a business here.

Phil, don't!

Eddie, this is our friendship!

This conversation,
these very exchanges!

We're in our friendship
at this very moment!

I'm sorry.

I don't want him
back in this store.

He won't be back.
What do I owe you?

Just take it.

I don't want him back.

I'm sorry. He won't be back.

Scorn.

You feel scorn for me, Eddie.

I mean...

I don't feel... What?

I'm getting confused here, Phil.

Of course you're confused.

It's chaotic.
That's why you're confused.

Think nothing of it.
I'm confused.

We got these dark thoughts.
I see them in you.

You don't even think
you're thinking them...

so we can't nail that down.

How are we gonna
get beyond that?

They are the results of your
unnoticed inner goings-on...

or my gigantic paranoia...

both of which exist... Come here!

So the goddamn thing
in its entirety...

is on the basis of what's got
to be called a coin toss.

It's not a goddamn coin toss.
Phil, it's not!

Oh, it's not, huh?

You think I'm being cynical
when I say that?

Nothing is necessary, Eddie.
Not a fucking thing.

We're in the hands of something.

It could kill us now or later.
It don't care.

Who is this guy
that makes us just... What?

You know, there's a name for it.

It happens.
There's a word for it.

Everybody knows it.

It's like a law. It is a law!
What the fuck's the law?

All I'm saying...

Cynicism has nothing
to do with it, Eddie!

Don't have the baby
thoughtlessly.

That's all I'm saying.

God almighty, Eddie...

I have pushed thought
to the point...

where it's no more use
than a head full of car horns.

Don't terrify me
that you have paid no attention.

I gotta get back to Susie.

If that means having a kid...

then I gotta do it.

I need my marriage.
I am lost without it.

You cooked your goose, Eddie.

Artie can walk his own dog,
and you can fuck yourself!

These particular tits and ass
are taking a hike!

Thanks.

You all set?

Oranges.

Great.

You're just saying that!

No, Susie, no, really.

You can't just say that.
You gotta mean it.

- I do mean it.
- No, you don't.

I want to have a kid!
Susie, I mean it.

I do.

I really do.

Hey, how is everything?

How you doing?

Billy's here.

I'm doing my version
of the dad thing.

Oh, right.

Get ready, Dr. Freud,
here comes little Billy.

When you getting in?

Stop it.

Gonna come to the bar tonight?

It's flight 832.

- You got a pen?
- Go ahead.

Yeah, I'll come.

You there?

Arriving at 6:50 p.m. Tomorrow.

Well, listen, I really...

I want to do something special.

I really miss you.

Yeah, me, too.

I gotta run.
I'll see you tomorrow.

He says to the guy...

he doesn't even wait hardly
for the guy to talk...

and the next thing I know,
Phil whacks this guy...

so unbelievably hard.
Never seen anything like it.

Oh, my God,
the guy went across the floor...

like he's on fucking wheels,
then he falls down.

Then he gets up.

Wait. You knock him down,
and he gets up?

- He gets up.
- Reflexes.

For all he knew,
he was going shopping.

I'm not kidding. Am I right?

If he'd have grabbed a bag
and said, "Hey, come on."

This guy...

The second whack
I put on this guy...

was beyond the realm
of normal human punches.

He could have fucking
disintegrated.

He's got violent karma.

I'm telling you,
it's in the cards with this guy.

That's it.

This is my karma?
To whack people in the face...

when they do some fucking
irrelevant thing?

Fuck it!

Absolutely right!
Fuck destiny, fate.

All metaphysical stuff, fuck it.

You are a cynical bastard,
you know that?

Does this bother you, Eddie?

Eddie is abstaining
per Darlene's instructions.

You are doing the right thing,
Eddie. You are.

Phil, isn't the fact
of the matter...

you signed
your divorce papers today?

Who said anything about that?
What's that got to do with it?

The baby, the divorce.

They got you. They blew you
right the fuck outta orbit.

What you need to do
is get yourself back into orbit.

What orbit? I am in an orbit.

I know. It's just such
a fucking useless orbit.

You know, Mickey...

I could kick
your fucking eyes out...

and never think about it
a second time...

so why do you take
these chances...

that risk ruining
both our lives?

This is the very point
I think Artie was just making.

Artie, is this your point?

Quit the goofy shit
for a second...

'cause I am trying
to make a point here.

Phil, look at the issue.

You're on this goddamn
wild roll...

'cause you signed
the divorce papers...

have the baby in the same month.

Why are you tormenting me for?

Just see the connection.

I know my reasons, Eddie,
but I am wired beyond them.

But hitting or not hitting
people isn't the issue.

It's this other stuff.
You enjoy hitting people.

That's what I want to talk
to Artie about.

Artie, do you have inside dope
on this karma stuff?

I'm checking my messages.

I'm on the brink here...

and you're checking
your goddamn messages?

Come on, have some compassion!

How many calls?

So, Artie...

what I need here
is a little more.

What I'm wondering is...

you got any particular useful
hard data on this karma stuff?

The procedures by which
this cosmic shit comes down...

inasmuch it might pertain to me
and what I do?

This is what I'm asking.

Do you know
what you're talking about?

He's a Jew.

I know he's a Jew.
I'm talking to him, ain't I?

Destiny is a thing...

you have to be somewhat educated
to have a hint about.

- But it's another tradition.
- Who gives a fuck?

I'm not talking
about tradition here.

But the cosmos,
and has he run into anything...

in all the books he reads
that might help me out here?

See, Artie? So, what is it?

I'm gonna tell you.

It's about past lives, Phil.

There are past lives,
and we have karmic stuff...

that accrues to it.

There are debits and credits.

And what happens is...

This is not your investment
counselor we're talking about.

The fact you're talking doesn't
make it destiny speaking.

I was just hoping.
You know, he's a Jew.

I mean, there might have been...

some crazed Hassidic
motherfucker in his family.

You know, he came for dinner,
he had his pigtail. Right?

Nobody could shut him up
about karma, destiny...

the way of the stars.

It might have rubbed off
on Artie.

Do you see what's happened?

You disappointed him.
You built him up...

and then
you've disappointed him...

and he's at a critical juncture
in his life.

Yeah, well, so what? Who isn't?

You guys need to get laid.

And you, however, don't, huh?

I am, in fact, sustaining
a meaningful relationship.

The only thing sustaining
that relationship is the fact...

that she's out of town
two out of every three weeks.

Well, she's in town tomorrow.

I wouldn't mind getting laid.
What are we thinking about?

I was thinking primarily
of setting Phil up...

with...

I was thinking...

Bonnie.

You're getting Bonnie for Phil?

Artie, I cannot believe
this treachery.

Phil, this is competitive sex.

That's what I'm saying, Artie.

You saw what happened
this afternoon.

Oh, that's right.

He's got this thing.

Relent, I beg you.

Have I not explained myself?
I am feeling suicidal.

What thing?

Hi, this is Bonnie.

I'm not home,
or I'm on the other line...

so leave a message or page me
if you know the number.

Too bad if you don't. Bye.

Wait, one second.

He has this thing...

It's Eddie. I'm gonna page you.

He pulled out on this broad.

It's a vibrator
I carry around with me.

You carry a vibrator
around with you?

Yeah, as a form of come-on...

so the girls can see
I'm up for anything right away.

So what?

Some other guy
might carry a nail file.

I carry a vibrator. Big deal.

Sometimes
as a kind of mood setter...

I turn it on.

But this afternoon...

there was extenuating
circumstances.

Right. You forgot the weights.

He forgot about the weights.

You forgot about the weights?

Yeah, forgot about the weights.
Unbelievable.

Do you know
what he's talking about?

No, I have no idea.

You prick, you disgust me.
I'm living out of a suitcase.

Everything in it.
My weights, everything.

So what had to happen happened.

I threw the barbell
into the suitcase...

and it hit the vibrator.
I wasn't thinking about it.

You really did this, Phil?

You pulled out a broken vibrator
on this broad?

Then he turns it on...

and it goes
all over the place like...

Help me out here, Eddie, huh?

You are a rare human being,
Phil.

Underneath all the bullshit...

you have this real
instinctive thing.

It's like this
wide-open intuition.

Eddie, this is what
I think about myself sometimes.

I mean it's unique.

This goddamn imagination.

If you could channel it...

I have thoughts sometimes
that could break my head open.

If you could just channel this
into your talent...

Could this be it, Artie?

Could this be destiny,
in fact, at work, Artie...

and we are witnessing it?
The pattern in randomness...

so that we can see it?

Man without a home.

Careless weights.

Broken vibrator.

Disappointed broad.

And from this apparent mess...

two guys fall in love.

Whoa. Pay no attention, Phil.

He's jealous.

He could choke on his own spit.

I would feel nothing.

No, I would feel glee.

Bueno.

Hola. C?mo est??

Thank God you paged me.

I am currently foraging
for a goddamn friendly face.

If you have a spontaneous bone
in your body...

you will come here now.

Ooh, my world has evaporated.

I am a flying saucer.
I am on my way.

All right, good.

She's coming over?

This is a bitch
who dances naked artistically...

at a club. That's her trip.

With a balloon.

That's what makes it artistic.

Without the balloon,
what is she?

What makes her artistic
is her blowjob.

She's critically acclaimed.

Get her over here.

The best thing about her
is she is up for anything...

like the airport.

The airport?

Oh, God, the airport.
This was amazing.

We asked her
to go to the airport.

Robbie Radingham is coming
into town for some pilot.

He's a friend of ours,
we tell her.

We want her to relax him
on the drive to town.

She's a professional relaxer.

She's up for it...

because she's seen him
as a featured killer...

on several cop shows...

and she's been very impressed
by his work.

She's a fucking critic.

So we get him in the car.

We want to make him feel
welcome...

so in the middle of this...

she reaches over
and unzips his fly.

He looks at her like she
just fell out of a tree.

"Don't mind me," she says.

We're acting like
we don't know what's going on.

Oh, yeah.
He's just this irresistible guy.

That's the impression.

Right, so now
she's gone down on him, right?

You can tell by his face.

She's very energetic.

The look on Robbie's face
was priceless.

So I have to say,
I say, "Robbie, hey, hey...

"welcome to L.A."

And the look on the kid's face.

What?

I forgot about the kid.

Christ.

She's got a six-year-old
daughter...

and, you know...

she was there.

She was with us?

Yeah, in the front seat.

No. I was driving.
I don't remember.

We were ripped, weren't we?

Then we would have forgot
the whole thing.

I was personally blotto.

Bullshit.

Wow.

So Robbie's wong comes out,
and this guy's got one.

He's epic, right? Legendary.

The kid was catatonic.

The kid was petrified.

There's her mother
going into combat...

in the back seat
with this horse.

She looked like she'd gotten hit
in the back of the head...

with a rock. Remember?

This is sick, isn't it?

It's a little sick.

Once it was a guy from TV...

what chance did Bonnie have?
This was an opportunity...

to mix with the gods
we were offering her...

in the back seat of our car.

Hey, guys, come on.

You had a whim.
This is what happens to people.

They have whims.

You know, you're sitting around,
Robbie's coming to town.

You want him to like you,
to think well of you.

So you had this whim.

Did anybody twist her arm?

Did anybody force her?

Edward, Phil's right.
I mean, come on, what did we do?

Objectively, you know...

if you look at it
from a really long distance...

did anybody say,
"Bring your kid"?

You got me runnin', jumpin'

Sleepin' in a chair

I need your lovin', your kissin'

is everybody ripped here?

We are involved
in a wide variety...

of pharmaceutical experiments,
madam.

I cannot express my gratitude
for your including me.

My girlfriend Sara has become
involved with this guy...

who just got out of rehab.

He's completely freaked out
on rehab...

inasmuch as he thinks
everybody should be in rehab.

And, I mean, you know, drugs.

I am telling this guy
that drugs are and have been...

as far as I can remember...

an ever-present component
of my personality.

I am a drug person...

and I would not, if I were him,
consider that anything unusual.

Unless he is compelled
to reveal to the entire world...

his ignorance
of the current situation...

in which most people
find themselves.

That is what I'm telling him.

Who is this guy?

I know ways
to make guys stop anything.

They may think they have
the courage of cowboys...

but I could change their minds.

See, that's what
I'm getting at, Eddie.

A person like this guy can only
be found in your household.

So dangerous.

Well, who isn't?

No. In ways
that you can't imagine.

That's hardly likely, Artie.
Wait a minute.

What was your name again?

Is this the hand
of destiny again, Eddie?

Look at it.

The hand of destiny
again emerging just enough...

from all the muck and shit
so that we...

can get a glimpse of it.

What do you mean, Mickey?
What does he mean?

It's a blind date.

Oh. You invited me over
for this guy, Eddie?

She don't have to, Eddie!

She should know that this
could be the final straw...

for me to justify
some sort of butchery.

Wait. What was the agenda?
Do you want to go upstairs?

I want to go out.

I don't have a car.
Eddie, can I borrow your car?

I got a car.

OK. Eddie, can I take this?

We'll be back in a little.
Will you guys still be here?

Yeah, where else?

Phil, I have a feeling
that you will enjoy my car.

Balloons, balloons.

Now something
from Helen and the Hellcats.

Hope you're feeling
as good as I am.

It's a beautiful night
under the city lights...

of Los Angeles...

So what do you want to do?

You want to go to your place,
you want to go to my place?

You want to go to a sex motel?

They got waterbeds.

They got porn
on the in-house video.

I'm hungry.

You want a Jack-in-the-Box?

I love Jack-in-the-Box.

Is that code for something?

What?

What? Is what code for what?

I don't know.

I don't know the goddamn code!

Hey, Eddie,
can I ask you something?

'Cause I'm curious about
the patterns of bullshit...

by which people pull the wool
over their own eyes.

So could you just give me
kind of just a...

a little hint as to the nature
of the delusion...

with which you hype yourself
about this guy?

Phil and I have
a certain intuitive thing.

You don't have
to get into a snit about it.

Well, you desert me for this
fucking guy all the time.

I don't desert you.

You're lying to yourself.

Yeah, you are.

Just because you're Jewish...

doesn't make you Freud,
you prick.

Just because you are...

whatever the fuck you are...

doesn't make you whatever
the fuck you think you are.

So...

This goddamn embodiment
of apple pie, Eddie, is just...

I got news for you... bullshit.

So, I lie to myself, huh?

- Oh, my God.
- Well, who better?

I mean, you know,
I'm a very good liar, and...

I'm very gullible.

So what is it with you?

Everything's just
a fuckin' ploy, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

I think you know.

I don't. I swear.

You're just trying to avoid
the fucking confrontation.

What confrontation?

We're having a confrontation
here, goddamn it!

- We are?
- Yeah.

I am.

God!

I'm gettin' out of here.

Mickey, do you want
to get out of here?

Sure.

Where are you going?

Just forget about it, Eddie.

You're fucked up
a thousand fold...

and you fuckin' know it.

You don't have to deal
any garbage...

What's he yellin' about?

I think what he's trying
to get at...

is that he considers
your investment in Phil...

which is in his mind
sort of disproportionate...

and maybe even secret...

And mind you, this is
Artie's thought, not mine...

but maybe even fraudulent...

and secretly self-serving
on your part, so you know...

That this investment
is based on the fact that...

Phil is very safe...

because no matter how far
you manage to fall...

Phil will be lower.

You end up crawling
along the sidewalk...

Phil's gonna be on his belly
in the gutter looking up...

in wide-eyed admiration.

This is what Artie thinks?

Let's go if we're going, Mickey.

So why is everybody
on my case for, all of a sudden?

Nobody's on your case.

You maybe have
some misconceptions...

about how smart you are,
that's all.

Certain facts being pointed out
is all that's going on here.

Don't take it personally.

What would make you mad, Mickey?

Hey, I'm sure it's possible.

So you want us to swing by
and pick you up?

Fuck, no!

Why don't you ask Darlene
how she feels about you...

going back on coke, Eddie?

Don't mention Darlene to me.

Don't you fucking talk to me
about Darlene!

You gonna remember
any of this later, Eddie...

or is this one of
your biodegradable moments?

Yeah, so what is it?

Grids of sophistication?

What is the arrangement by which
you assess what's what...

so you're left
utterly off the fucking hook?

It's a totally unconscious
process, Eddie.

You know, Eddie...

how come you got to put me
at the mercy of such a creep?

Can I ask you that?

He threw me out of my own car.

Where is he?

Where's Phil?

What'd you do?

What do you mean, what did I do?

Guy, he's just a...

He's totally without
redeeming social value.

Fuckin' guy just should
be in a ward somewhere.

So he took your car, so what?

He'll bring it back.

Oh, Eddie,
he didn't just take my car.

He threw me out of it.

So what?

What do you mean, "so what,"
Eddie? It was moving.

He slowed it down, I bet.

He threw me out
of my own slowly moving car...

and he nearly fucking killed me.

Maybe what I want
to know about is you.

Why would you put
a friend of yours like me...

in this kind of jeopardy?

Why would you let me go with
this guy if I was begging...

let alone instigate it?

You want to take that position,
go ahead.

I am normally the kind of person
who allots a degree of energy...

to being on the lookout
for creeps, Eddie.

I am not so dumb
as to be ignorant...

of the vast hordes of creeps
running loose in California...

but because this guy
is on your recommendation...

I am caught unawares
and nearly maimed.

He's been having a rough time.

Well, it's a rough century
all around, Eddie.

You say so yourself.

What does anybody know
who's doing OK, huh?

Is that some sort
of justification...

for us all to start tossing
each other out of cars?

Things aren't working out
personally the way we planned?

Are you paying
any fucking attention here?

I'm talking about a form
of desperation.

You are maybe
not familiar with it.

Oh, so in your mind...

desperation is you and your
buddy's own private thingamajig?

This man has had
his entire thing collapse.

I am the form of human being
whose entire life...

with a child to support...

depends on her tits
and this balloon...

and the capabilities
of her physical grace...

and imaginary inventiveness...

with which I can appear to
express something of interest...

in the air...

which some other dumb bitch
would be unable to imagine...

or would fall down
trying to perform.

So desperation
is within my area of expertise.

Just in case you thought I was
some mindless twat over here...

with blond hair and big eyes.

I hadn't noticed
your hair or your eyes.

Fuck you, Eddie.
He could have hurt me.

- I don't care.
- Don't say that.

You're just some bitch
thinks it matters...

you walk around with balloons
and your tits out.

Do you fuck everybody you meet?

I fuck who I want.

You fuck everybody.

That's no reason to assume...

I can be thrown out of a car
as random recreation.

I hope that's not what
you're saying, Eddie.

Nobody's got to take
these substantial losses...

with a totally peripheral...

You know, transient elements
in their life.

We're all just background
in each other's life.

You know,
just cardboard cutouts...

bumping around
this vague spin-off...

from what was once
prime-time life.

You perfectly backed out.

I ought to call the cops,
you incredible prick.

You want me to dial it for you?
I'll dial it for you right now.

We're talking about
murder almost.

Shut up!

Can you just shut up?

I'm totally disgusted
with both of you!

I'm sorry, Eddie.

I did my best
to set you up nicely, Phil...

and you got to fuck it up.

I'm some kind of very, very
unusual jerk is what I figure.

You had no rhyme or reason
for what you did to me.

I do my best for you...

and now I got...

Bonnie pissed at me...

Artie's pissed.

- Artie's pissed, too?
- You know that.

In your heart,
I'm talking about...

That's what I'm talking about.

Eddie, it's my imaginary side.

It's like we were saying, right?

I get lost in it.

I got to channel it
into my work more.

What work? Fuck your work.
You don't have any work.

You are background.

They have all these
interesting stories...

and they want a guy
like you on the set.

You're a prop.

You're a... you're a tree.

You're like a location.

They need guys like you...

to make all the bullshit...

look legitimate.

What about my...

Eddie, my talent, remember?
You said I ought to...

That was hype.
What do you think?

You were what, putting me on?

You ever really believe it?

So...

who are we kidding?

Me.

But this is the real goods now,
right?

Right, Eddie? We're gettin' down
to the real goods now.

So you must have decided...

it would be best for me
to hear the truth, huh?

I'm just sick of you, Phil.

You're sick of me, yeah.

Oh. Well, how long you been
sick of me, Eddie?

It's probably recent.

When did it start?

I'm gonna let you
off the hook, Phil.

I'm not gonna say anything.

I'm gonna cut you a break.

I don't need a break.

It's for my own good, right?

I want it all.

I got a tendency to kid myself
that everything's OK.

So now, you tell me
what are the things about me...

that are for you, you know...

disgusting.

I want to know.

Everything you...

Everything about you.

Everything?

Eddie, you really
had me fooled, Eddie.

You guys are crazy.

What do you mean?

What does she mean?

What do you mean?

The department of defense
says that it's confirmed...

that a fringe terrorist group
with ties to Libya and Iraq...

is now stockpiling
large quantities...

of high-tech chemical
and biological weapons.

I feel awful.

What's the matter?

I'm depressed.

About what, Eddie?

I don't know. Everything.

...which leads to fatal
hemorrhaging of the brain...

and chest.

Botulism is a severe
kind of food poisoning.

You depressed about the news,
Eddie?

Yeah, the news is depressing.

I mean, the Aborigines...

had their problems, too.

Sure. You know?

The tigers in the trees.

Dogs after his food.

And in the Middle Ages...

everybody really had to worry...

about witches and goblins...

but we have this stuff
eating at us.

We've got stuff
we don't even...

I mean, why do you think...

that all the warlords
of the world...

are so anxious
to get their own...

personal little stash...

of chemical weapons?

Still ahead here...

we're gonna
change gears a bit...

show you a little of what...

They call them weapons
of mass destruction...

but they're not.

They're very, very selective.

Chemical weapons
are very careful...

about what they destroy.

They annihilate people...

and preserve things.

They love things.

You and I would be dead...

gas, puke, gone.

Whereas, you know,
other, earlier, older people...

the ancients...

could look to the heavens...

which in their minds...

was inhabited by this...

thoughtful, meditative,
you know...

maybe a trifle unpredictable
and wrathful...

but nevertheless...

up there...

this divine onlooker.

We've got...

anchorpersons...

and...

talking heads.

We've got...

politicians...

who decide
life-and-death issues...

on the basis
of their media consultants.

That's what we've got.

Oh, boy, Eddie.

I think I'm gonna need
a magnifying glass...

to find what's left
of your good points.

What is going on with you?

Suck my dick.

Aw, come on,
I'm being serious here.

I thought you had
this girlfriend...

and it was this significant...

you know, mutually fulfilling
relationship.

Things have taken a turn
for the worse, that's all.

- Suck my dick.
- Like what?

She doesn't love me.

Who?

My girlfriend.

What do you mean?

What do you mean,
what do I mean?

My girlfriend doesn't love me.

Oh, sure she does.

Why?

I don't know, but...

she doesn't.

Are you sure?

I'm a real person, you know?

I'm not some goddamn
TV image here, OK?

I'm a real person.

You know that, right?

I just...

Suck my dick, OK?

If your manner of speech
is in any way a reflection...

of what goes on
inside your head...

you are lucky
you can tie your shoes.

You want me to be kinder.

I say no!

Be harder! Colder!

Be a rock.

Or polyurethane.

That's my advice.

I say be a thing!

And live.

Have you ever considered
that maybe you're just doing...

a little bit
too much shit there, Eddie?

I mean, even outlaws have to
take precautionary measures.

You're right.

Do you ever have
that experience...

where your thoughts are like
these totally separate...

totally self-sustaining
phone booths...

and there's this, like, vast...

uninhabited shopping mall
in your head?

You ever have that experience?

I don't feel loved.

Even if she loves me,
I don't feel it.

I don't feel it.

And I'm, you know...
I'm sick of it, OK?

You know what I mean?

I'm gonna go.

What for?

Home. You know?

Greetings, one and all.

- How was your date?
- He threw her out of the car.

Can't you just keep your
fuckin' mouth shut, Eddie?

Does everybody have to know?

Sweetheart...

what are you doing tomorrow?

None of your business.

I'm taking my kid to Disneyland.

We're going for the day,
so I'm not gonna be home.

Can I go with you?

'Cause I love Disneyland.

You wanna?

OK, come by about 11:00.

Great.

So, she likes
being thrown out of cars, huh?

You know, I threw a bitch
out of bed once.

It's not the same thing.

Sorry. Did I say that it was?

This chick,
she's harassing me...

we're balling away...

and she starts going,
"Faster, faster...

"slower, higher."
Do this, do that...

literally to the point
where I said...

"May I ask you something?
Am I in the way or what?"

I got my baby.

Where's your wife?

Sleepin'.

I snuck.

I could have been anybody.
I could have done anything.

You kidnapped her?

You want me to kill you, Artie?

This is my baby. She's mine.

She looks like you, Phil.

I don't see it.

Look how she's looking at you.

They don't see, Artie.

There's a sound vibration,
and there's blur.

It's like a cloud.

You want to hold her, Eddie?

I'm all dirty.

Sometimes I try to think
I'm looking into my own eyes...

but I don't see nothing
of my own.

Just this baby.

It's so cute.

But like I found her.

You want to hold her, Mickey?

She's light as a feather.

You could hold her in one hand.

What if she cries?

Tell her a joke.

One of yours?

Watch her head.

Oh, yeah, she's really cute.

What's happening, little baby?

You know...

this sweet little thing...

this little innocent thing
right here...

Guys, this is a broad
of the future.

Hard to believe.

Awesome.

You think if we kept her
and raised her...

she'd grow up
to be a decent human being?

I'm gonna ask Susie
to give me one more try.

I'll beg. I mean, I could beg.

I'll follow her
around the house...

on my hands and knees.

I won't let her out of my sight.

Damn.

What happened?

Well, she's...

she's a broad already, Phil.

She's done everything
that every other broad's done.

She had a dump on me.

Look at that smile.
Look at that.

She shit herself,
and look at that smile.

They're very honest.

You're a rare human being, Phil,
you really are.

I mean...

underneath all the bullshit...

you've got this
incredible potential.

You could channel it.

Mickey, put Eddie on.

Yeah, hang on.

Eddie, it's Phil!

Do you hear me?

Eddie, she won't take me back.

I brought the baby back
like you said.

We were talking for hours.

Well, just keep trying.

What did she say?

Well, she... Susie, wait a minute.

What's going on?

Susie, just wait a minute.

Phil, can I call you back?
Darlene just got here.

We just got home.
Can I call you back?

All right. Stay there.
I'll call you back.

I thought they were divorced.

They are.

Can we pick this up later?

Sure.

Would you care for a drink?

Oh, bad, bad, bad.

Bad what?

Dog. We were talking
about that levitation guy.

It led to a...

dog somehow.

It would have to.

Yeah. What did Phil have to say?

Susie kicked him
out of the house...

or he kicked himself out.

I've gotta call him back.

Well, that sounds like progress.

It seems like they've found
a pattern to their liking.

So much for reconciliation.

You guys up for...
What are you gonna do?

You up for privacy,
or you... Should I...

You could call...

or we could leave a message.

I'll call.
I'll check my service.

OK, all right.

Yeah, I'll just...

It's the kid thing, you know.
That's the thing.

If it wasn't for the kid,
he could walk.

He should have, then.

Damn it. I told him to wait.

It's just, a guy like Phil,
for all his appearances...

this is just the kind of thing
that can make him nuts.

My boy is a factor
in every calculation I make.

He's a constant.
You know what I mean?

Yup. I had a, you know,
an epis...

Well, rough...

so I have some sense
of it, really...

in a funny way.

What?

My abortion.

I got pregnant.

I wasn't sure which guy.

I wasn't going crazy
or anything...

with a different guy
every night...

but I knew them both...

and I wasn't
emotionally involved...

with either one of them
seriously...

though I liked them both a lot.

Which, in a way,
made it more confusing...

on a personal level. You know?

Trying to figure out
the morality of the whole thing.

Finally, I had this abortion,
completely on my own.

Didn't tell anybody,
not even my girlfriends.

I sort of... I went out
of my mind for a while.

My parents sent me on a vacation
to Puerto Rico...

to get it together enough...

to come home with my head
on my shoulders...

at least semi-straight.

I was functional, anyway.

Semi-functional.

And then I went from telling...

absolutely nobody
to telling everybody.

This was when?

Seven and a half years ago.

Well, it happened to you,
you know.

There's nothing I can do
about that.

No, no, I just...

I mean, it was painful.

There were certain things
I lear...

that have been
a great help ever since.

I wanted you to know when you
were talking about your son...

that I, on a visceral level...

knew what
you were talking about...

and something
came out of it good.

The two guys, where are they?

Oh, I have no idea.

That was Cincinnati.

How about Mr. Chow's?
We treat ourselves right.

That's great.
I'd love the seaweed.

I mean, you want Chinese?

I love Mr. Chow's.

We could go somewhere else.
What about Petit D'or?

Sure.

You like that better
than Mr. Chow's?

It doesn't matter.

Surprise me.

I don't want to surprise you.
I want to do just what you want.

Then pick one.

Call one. Either.

Why should I have to guess?
What if I pick the wrong one?

You can't pick the wrong one.

Honestly, Eddie,
I like them both the same.

How could you like them
both the same?

I mean one is French,
the other's Chinese.

They're different.

They're as different as...

What is the world to you?

Is it just one big blur...

in which everything
that resembles something else...

just automatically
is put on the same level...

in your hierarchy?

The only thing
they have in common...

is they're both restaurants!

Are you aware
that you're yelling?

My voice is raised in emphasis.

Perfectly legitimate use
of volume.

Particularly when,
in addition...

I evidently have to break
through this fucking cloud...

in which
you're obviously enveloped...

in which everything
is just this big blur...

totally devoid of the most
rudimentary sort of distinction.

Just call the restaurant.

Why are you doing this?

I'm hungry.

I just want to get something
to eat before I faint.

You're up to something.

I'm up to something?

You're telling me whether
I'm hungry or not. I'm hungry.

- Bullshit.
- Up to?

Paranoid, Eddie.
Para-fucking-noia.

OK? Just be alert...

because your tendencies
are all over the place.

I'm fine.

Oh, you're fine?

Your standing there...

screeching at me about
"what am I up to" is paranoid.

Not if you're up
to something, it's not.

I'm not! Take my word for it.

You're sounding
a little bit nuts.

I'm supposed to trust
your judgment...

on my mental stability?

I'm supposed to trust
your evaluation...

of the nuances of my sanity?

You can't even
tell the difference...

between a French
and a Chinese restaurant!

I like them both!

They're different. One's French,
the other's Chinese!

They're totally
fucking different!

Not in my inner emotional
subjective experience!

The taste, the decor,
the waiters...

the accent... the fucking accents!

The little phrases
the waiters use.

They yell at each other...

in totally fucking
different languages!

Does none of this make
any impression on you?

Yes, it impresses me
that I like them both!

I mean, your total
inner emotional experience...

must be this epic fucking fog.

What do you want...

some kind of dualistic trip
where everything comes in twos?

You just can't tell
the difference between 'em...

so you just pull on this
taut wire between people...

who might need some definitive
reaction from you...

in order to know.

Fuck you!

What's wrong with that?

Two guys, Eddie.

I happened to mention two guys.

I just want to know
if it's a pattern.

Chinese restaurants.

You can't tell the difference
between people.

What?

God, Eddie.

I really... I really feel awful.

This is so fucking depressing.

I really like you. I really do.

I mean...

I mean, don't feel too bad.

Well, I do. I feel bad.

We have to talk
about these things.

Don't, on the basis of this...

make some kind of grand,
overwhelming, you know...

comprehensive assessment.
That's absurd.

Sometimes there's stuff,
other stuff under stuff.

I don't care, Eddie.

What are you talking about,
you don't care?

It just doesn't matter,
and I don't care.

No, no, no. Wait.

Hold on.

No, it matters, and you care!

What you mean is, it doesn't
make any difference!

What? Oh, my God!

I cannot stand
this semantic insanity anymore!

I'm finished!

I cannot be that specific
about my feelings!

I can't!

Will you get off
the goddamn phone?

Eddie, what?

Get in.

Phil's dead.

Oh, my God.

How you doing, Edward?

I'm OK.

Is that what you're asking?

Yeah, I'm OK.

Good. Mm-hmm.

Mickey, I got a letter
from Phil.

Phil... it's postmarked
on the day.

He mailed it on the day.

"The guy who dies
in an accident...

"understands
the nature of destiny"?

"The guy who..." What?

"Who dies in..."
I mean, what the fuck?

What? Mickey, what?

It's a fuckin' fortune cookie.

If he killed himself,
this is the note.

What do you mean, "if"?

I'm giving him
the benefit of the doubt.

Oh, come on, Eddie.

You want to look this thing
in the eye?

You don't do
a hundred miles an hour...

down that narrow crease
in the high ground...

because you're anxious
to get home.

A hundred miles an hour
down Mulholland...

on a star-filled night
is not the way to longevity.

The guy behaved often
and finally like, you know...

some soulful jerk-off.

Fuck him and forget about him.
What more can I say?

I'm gonna look up the words.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm gonna see
if the dictionary might help.

Mickey, this is what
he wanted us to think.

There might be some kind
of a clue here like maybe why.

What why?

There is no why
in a disaster like this, Eddie.

You know, the earth moved.

The guy was in the wrong place
at the wrong time...

and this big hole opens up.

What's he gonna do?

He left a note.

The note is tangential.
It's part of his goof...

that he was a rational
human being when he wasn't.

I want no part of this fucking
beyond-the-grave extension...

of his jerk-off sensibility.

The note is
what he wanted us to think.

- Bullshit!
- He left it.

To drive us nuts
from long-distance.

All right, let me see it.

What's to look up?
I mean, come on.

"A guy who..." That's him.

"Dies..."

In case we didn't know,
he gave us a demonstration.

"Accident"
is to propel yourself...

into a brief
but unsustainable orbit...

and then attempt to land
in a tree...

on the side
of a cliff-like incline.

"Understand"
is what he had no part of.

"Nature" is the tree.

"Destiny" is, if you're him...

you're an asshole.

- Count the letters.
- What?

I want to know how many words
and how many letters.

Eddie, Eddie,
this is dementia here.

You've flipped a circuit.
Grief has put you out of order.

You've never heard
of an anagram?

You think this is an anagram?

Look, Mickey...

have no fucking faith
in the thought...

but just as a favor...

keep your sarcasm to yourself.

What sarcasm?

I'm...

Wait a minute. This is...

What sar...
This is insulting, you know?

I'll do the goddamn lunacy.

I'll count the letters, but
let's get one thing straight.

I've indulged in nothing
even remotely sarcastic...

and I want that understood.

If I've been a little flip...

it's to put some humor
into what could be...

a totally and utterly mor...

There are some times...

in the goddamn history of
mankind where a little humor...

won a person some affection...

you know, for the effort
not to go under.

Anybody can go under, Eddie.

I mean, we're all going
fuckin' under.

So, how about a little laugh
along the way?

So I'm flip? So what?

I don't feel like being flip,
Mickey.

Oh, but you do want to do
an anagram on this death note?

Flip is sarcastic.

No, it's not. That's crazy.

Sarcastic is mean, it's heavy.

It's funny, sure, but it's mean.

I do both, but this was flip.

So I have "Accident...

"a happening...

"that is not expected,
foreseen, or intended.

"Two... an unfortunate
occurrence or mishap...

"sudden fall, collision...

"usually resulting
in physical injury."

It just repeats basically.

And "destiny" we have...

"The inevitable or necessary
succession of events.

"What will necessarily happen
to any person or thing."

So...

if you die in a happening...

that is not foreseen, expected,
or intended...

you understand the necessary...

and inevitable succession
of events.

Fuck him.

How many letters?

Oh, right, the fuckin' anagram.

This is exciting.
I've never been involved...

with a being
from another planet before.

Twelve and fifty-four.

Mickey, at the very least...

we owe him the best we can
to understand what he wanted.

Nobody has to fucking
believe it, all right?

But... OK, 12 and 54,
that's interesting.

No, it's not interesting, Eddie.
It's bullshit...

because we both know
he did it on purpose...

so it was no goddamn accident,
and if it was no accident...

then this note
is categorically...

definitively irrelevant.

Then how did he get there?

Exactly how
did he get to the point...

where in his own mind
he could do it on purpose?

That's what I'm trying
to figure out.

It's not that big a deal.

That's the fuckin' truth.

You make an adjustment, Eddie.

You shift
your point of view a little...

and what was horrible looks OK.

All the necessary information...

that might deter you
gets locked away.

Little gremlins,
they divert the good thoughts...

so you don't hear them.

You just hear the bad thoughts,
which at this point...

are convincing you
they're a good idea.

You get an idea, that's all.

You don't understand
the scope of it.

You lose the sc...
All right, so there you are.

Your foot's on the gas,
you're flying. So far, so good.

Road, trees, radio.

What's a little flick
of the steering wheel?

An inch's rotation?

What is that?

An inch.

So you do it.

But with that, what?

You've gone beyond
what you can come back from.

You have handed over
control now.

It's gravity
in this big machine...

which is a car, only
it's not even a car anymore.

It's this hunk of metal
rearranging itself...

according to the laws
of physics.

Force and resistance,
stress and reaction...

heat, friction...

collapse.

And then you're gone.

Who knows where?

I tried to warn him, you know.

She was a snake.

She was out to undermine...

whatever little bit of faith
he had in himself.

I saw it coming.

She had to see it coming.

Who, Susie?

They're fucking ghouls, Mickey.
They eat our hearts.

You don't know
what you're saying.

I do.

I know you think
you know what you're saying...

but you're not saying it.

I don't know what I mean,
but I know what I'm saying.

Is that what you mean?

Right. But no one knows
what anything means, right?

It's not like anybody
knows that.

So at least I know
I don't know what I mean...

which is better
than most people.

They probably think
they know what they mean...

not just what
they think they mean.

Do you feel that, Mickey?
About death?

That when it comes,
you're just going along...

in this ongoing goddamn inner...

...in which you understand
this or that...

and you tell yourself about it.

Then it just ricochets off...

and cuts off...

mid something, mid realization.

Oh, I under... blam!

Gone.

Comatose, dead.

You think that's how it is?

Well, as it turns out,
I am free tonight.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Give me about 15 minutes.

Hey, you know,
funerals, sex, death.

I'm gonna go out and play.

You should go to bed, Eddie.

Take care of yourself.

Phil would want you
to get your rest.

Where do you get
the goddamn cynicism...

the goddamn scorn
to speak his name...

let alone speak for him?

Eddie, is everything my fault?

What did you ever do
but mock him and put him down?

Why don't you relent? I beg you.

No. You're not saying...

you ever did one good thing
for him.

One helpful thing!

No, Eddie,
what I'm saying is that...

unlike you...

I never lied to him.

You never loved him, either.

Right, Eddie. Good taste does,
no doubt, deprive me...

of a great many things.

No guts!

No originality! No guts!

You know you want this goddamn,
ultramodern...

post-hip,
fucking comprehensive...

explanation of everything...

By which you uncover
the preceding events...

which determine
the following events...

but you're not gonna find it.

Says you!

You want to believe
that if you do...

or don't do
certain things now...

certain other things
will or won't happen...

down the road accordingly.

You want to parlay
this finely tuned circuitry...

you've got for a brain...

into some form
of major participation...

with the divine conglomerate...

but all you're really
gonna do...

is drive yourself
and everyone around you...

fucking nuts!

I'm trying to level out,
all right?

I got to cool out,
but not tonight.

Not tonight!

I got a history lecture
in progress, man.

The loads are humming.

I'm picking up everything.

I got the radar screens
in full rotation.

I'm picking up
the coast-to-coast flights...

and Phil is sending me messages.

He's got some complaints,
you know?

About the great beyond.

I got to cut the levels
of distortion.

I got to modulate the volume!

To whatever extent this fuckin'
torment of yours is over...

what's-her-name, Darlene...

believe me, she's not worth it.

That move you made...

when you gave her up
for her own good... ohh...

that was genius.

Whatever little prayer
I had was gone.

She had you down as some form
of totally unique...

altruistic phenomenon...

instead of the fact...

that you had
a low opinion of her...

and all you really wanted...

was to fuck
that little bubble brain...

Artie brought by for us.

Yeah. So what?

So you're no better off than me.

Just slightly.

You have no feelings at all!

No, Eddie. You know what?

I just don't have your feelings.

That's all.

I have my own.

And you know what?

They get me by.

So what kind of friendship
is this?

Adequate.

Good night.

Something terrible's going on,
Mickey.

These are dark times.

You know,
people have been saying that...

since the beginning of time.

You know, forget about it.

That doesn't mean
forget about it.

Anyway, it's not time
that's dark.

It's just you, you know?
It's just you!

Fuck you.

Why don't you wait up for Phil,
why don't you, Eddie?

Wouldn't that be great if Phil
came by to keep you company?

Wouldn't that be great?

I'm sure he will...

Fuck.

...Clinton officials hope,
is in how you do it.

The president
is reportedly planning...

a two-step process...

...squad cars, a police van...

and a lifeguard vehicle
were burned by the mob.

...was like a 35-yard penalty.

Now we got to have
a drive going. Big play here...

...Fifty five-year-old mother
Josefa Begillos...

lived downstairs.

Emilio, Angeles,
and his family...

we're talking escape velocity.

The high court
could reach a verdict...

in the next few days.

...complaints
that officers used their...

...human machine Titan.

It took several hours...

and reinforcements
from other departments...

before police restored order.

Plastic angels...

are synonymous...

I ain't mad anymore.

You mad?

See... see my...

my bag.

I got a little bit
of everywhere I've been.

See, here's Vermont,
which is a New England state.

And... and there's Florida.

So you can see I hitchhiked...

up and down
the entire East coast.

I thought you took a plane.

Airplane?

Where would I get the money?

How you been?

I'm a wreck.

You look a wreck, actually,
but...

I didn't wanna be impolite
and mention it.

I don't know what I'm doing.

You know what I mean?

You're in the pool.

Right.

I don't know...

when was the last time
I thought of you...

and in you walk.
I don't get it.

I'm a surprise is all.

And I don't know
what pertains to me...

and what doesn't.

Everything pertains to you,
Eddie.

Sure, I mean, this is all
part of the flow.

You know, of which
we are a part, too...

and everything
pertains to everything...

one way or another.

See what I mean?

So...

how am I supposed
to feel about it?

See, that's what I don't know.

Oh, you have total...

utter, complete freedom
on that score, Eddie...

because it doesn't make
a bit of difference.

What I feel doesn't matter?

This flow don't care?

I don't think so.

I have so much to figure out.

According to authorities,
the killer...

a 12-year-old honor student...

is fascinated
with serial killers.

Now, sources close
to the investigation tell us...

the boy admits
to bludgeoning to death...

I mean, there is you...

and there's these other items...

all these other items,
like death.

They decapitated
and dissected four rodents.

It's all part of a $99 million
research program...

aimed at discovering
the precise effects...

of space travel
on the nervous system.

I mean...

how am I supposed to feel
about that?

I don't know.

See, that's my point.

That's what I'm saying.

So I do know your point.

But do they pertain to me?

I was saying to you
that they all pertain to you...

as much as they're
a part of everything, right?

I mean...

that's all I'm saying.

Did you know that Phil was dead?

Whoa. What happened?

He drove his car off Mulholland.

What happened?

The car crashed.

The funeral was today.

So that's why
you're such a wreck, Eddie.

You were at the funeral.

That would wreck anybody.

Was it sad?

Everybody's in the suits.

You do the things.

Everybody's there.

Everybody's in line.

All the cars...

in a line.

Everybody's in the cars.

You get to the...

cemetery...

and...

the priest has got
some more to say.

And there's the hole.

You put him in.

Was it sad?

There was, at the grave...

we were like a...

a bunch of dogs.

And this guy...

was singing
with this beautiful voice.

He had this beautiful
high voice.

All alone. No organ or anything.

Just his voice.

And...

the priest
could have said anything.

Nice things, sad things,
nothing.

And this guy,
nobody knew who he was...

would sing...

and you couldn't even
really make out the words even.

You know? You just heard this...

this high...

beautiful, sad, sad...

This human sound.

And then everybody just started
crying along with him.

You know something, Eddie?

I didn't really go
to all the places on my bag.

I actually went
out of here North...

towards San Francisco, but...

I got no further than Oxnard.

I know where Oxnard is.

Great.

What's so great about me
knowing where Oxnard is?

It's great when people know
what each other...

are talking about.

I mean, isn't that
what we've been talking about?

So, I'm gonna sleep here...

if you don't mind.

I mean, you got room?

I'm gonna be up for a while.

That's OK.

There's room here on the couch.

Great.

I...

I might never
go to sleep again.

I might stay awake forever.

That's OK.

I'm just happy to get off
the streets at the moment.

The desperation out there
is paranormal.

You want to fuck me
or anything, Eddie...

before I go to sleep?

Great.

Not that I don't want to,
I'm just...

sleepy.

You want anything, a Valium?

Good night.

Pleasant dreams.