Human Zoo (2020) - full transcript

The internet watches live, as reality-show contestants struggle against time to see who will stay in solitary confinement the longest and take home the one million dollar prize.

Marcus Wright, Marcus
Wright, you're next.

- Marcus Wright.
- Marcus, okay,

right over here.

Please be ready
when we call you.

We're moving very, very fast,

and we do not have
time to wait for you.

Trust me, Lars von Trier
wouldn't put up with this shit.

Come on,
really, did she just

- talk to me like that?
- Bitch.

Okay, why do you
think you should be cast

as Solitary Confinement?

Is it bad to say that I
could really use the money?

The other game shows,
you know,

they ask you a lot of questions.

I was never really
any good at that.

What does the idea of solitary
confinement mean to you?

Total lack of control
over your surroundings,

and dictating what you
do and how you do it,

giving that control over to
someone else.

It means to strip away all

and to be alone and,
therefore, to face yourself.

Why will an audience want
to watch you on this show?

Look at me.

I will charm them with
my wit, my intelligence,

my incredible ability to sing.

I think I'll be able to
maintain my composure the best,

probably be a relief.

I mean look at me.

I like me.

You like me too.

You ain't gonna tell me you
like me, but you like me.

I will try to make fun jokes
and puns,

keep things light

and be a shining example
of overcoming obstacles.

I will try.

Uh, what is the most
interesting thing about you?

Give a fuck about
anything, I don't care.

Is that I am a single
mother to two young cats

and one old one.

My ability to focus, you
know, like really zone in.

I'm a female helicopter pilot,

and a badass pilot at that.

My cock.

Is that, does that offend you?

Well it should.

This is reality and that's what
you want.

So my answer is my cock.

What is your strategy
for winning the show?

Take care of myself, imagine

I'm gonna take a systematic

with a test that tests my
vision, my sight, all my senses.

Focus, you know, Shiva
would go out into the forest

in Samadhi for like
weeks at a time.

That's gonna be my strategy.

I don't think I
really need a strategy.

Do the things
that I normally do,

um, but without any

I will win the show by just
talking, talking, talking.

What are you most afraid of?

Probably being alone,
but if there's an audience,

are you really alone?

Of something happening
to my cat David.

He's my special boy,
and also of dying alone.


I'm not afraid of anything.

I work in reality TV.

I'm not afraid of nothin'.

Try me.

Stillness and quiet, so
that's gonna be interesting.


And what would you do with
the million dollar prize

if you win?

Well, I would buy more snow

I would, um, get my cats
a better flea medicine

and more furniture.

For starters, I know
that the, um, one million

is probably more than those

First of all, I'm gonna
tell everyone I told you so.

Then I'm gonna get a sports car.

I'm gonna move to Miami.

Then I'm gonna tell
everyone to eat a dick.

My wife, uh, she needs two

therapy and medication, and
business has been slow, so

the money hasn't been there

to keep up with the health

I would do the smart thing

and I would put a down payment
on a house and invest it.

I know that might not be
as interesting as like

buying a pink corvette or

but I'm also not an idiot.

Can you do me a favor

and quit reading
from your script?

answer the damn question.

You know what?

I come in here and I've been
disrespected the whole time.

You sit behind your little
prefabricated table,

livin' your prefabricated lives,

sayin' someone else's lines.

You're a fucking cunt.

But all the while,

you sit there
danglin' your carrot.

Jump, rabbit, jump.

I'm not your rabbit.

I'm sorry.

This isn't at all
what I thought it was.

I'll see myself out.

- My God.
- Wow.

If I call your name,
please exit this door

into the casting room.

If I do not call your name,

please stay here
and do not leave.

We have Marcus Wright.

- I mean,
- Fuck.

They're gonna
come back for us,

- obviously.
- They better.

We're like the best thing

- to happen.
- I'm thirsty, hungry,

and I have to pee.

I've been here
fore like five hours.

I wonder if like
they'll give us

- a massage when we go back.
- Fire my chump agent.

You think?

Excuse me.

Geez, whoa.

Congratulations to you all,

you've made it to the final

The producer's assistant
will be in momentarily

to explain the next
step in the process.

Until then we do understand
that you're very excited,

please do not share this

with anyone at this time.

Thank you.

Gosh, what an

We're gonna win a
million fucking dollars!

Aren't you excited?

I'm fucking excited!


- Oh my God.
- Oh!

- My God.
- College debt go away.

All right.

Hey everyone.

Oh, hey.

Let's start with a round
of applause for all of you.

You've earned a spot in
the first ever 24 hour

live feed reality web series

with a grand
prize of $1 million.

That means one of you in this

is going to be a millionaire.

That's awesome.


Now, I have to go
over a few details,

and then I have some extra
special news to share with you.

But first your schedule.

You're gonna have a medical

just to make sure you're
all physically fit

to enter the competition.

Then we'll have interviews.

This will be a chance for
you to show the audience

how you really feel.

This is your 15 minutes of fame.

Afterwards, we're going
to have a brief meeting

with a producer of the show.

You're not going to see the
solitary confinement area

before you enter it for the

but the producer will tell
you a little bit about it.

Then you'll go to a green room

and wait until you're notified

that it's time to enter
solitary confinement.


I don't know if
I should be happy or scared.

Now for that extra
special news.

The show has just been picked
up for a second season.

- What?
- Oh my, wow.

We haven't even
announced the cast,

and we already know we're a hit.

So as a reward to you,

the winner will now
receive $2 million.

Yes, yes,
oh my God.

Congratulations and welcome
again to solitary confinement.

Contestant: All right,


Enjoy your stay.

Right back at ya.

- She's so hospitable.
- What,

- what?
- Wait, we're not going home?

- That shit's tonight.
- Oh.

- That shit's tonight.
- Oh my goodness.

- Wow.
- Okay.

- Tonight?
- Excuse me,

- did you talk to my agent?
- I got this.

Tonight, I gotta put my dog

- Okay.
- My God,

- what am I gonna do?
- You mean, we're really not

- going home?
- We didn't sign anymore

- paperwork.
- Okay.

- Maybe that's the next step.
- I still got this.

- I still got this.
- Yeah, maybe,

- hopefully.
- Yeah, but, hey, at least

- it's two million now, right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- I mean, that's true.
- Double the money.

I love it, I love it!

All right.

I'm sorry where should
I, just look here?

Either at the camera,

or you can look at
me if you like.

All right, I'm Marcus
Wright, Los Angeles,

yoga enthusiast, instructor,

do a lot of carpentry,
basically kind of a handyman,

not tied down to one schedule.

Really when it comes down to
it, it's to get rid of debt.

If I can get myself locked
up and win $2 million,

$2 million.

It'd be like a new day,
a new life.

I was being pressured from
my parents and therapist,

to be honest, just kind of a
last resort.

Kind of to appease them,

I thought doing something

and completely out
of my comfort zone

might be the best solution,
might be peaceful.

You know, walking around
every second of the day,

always feeling just
like a constant sadness,

like a really, really
heavy heart, I don't know,

I just, it seems insane in
itself to take this step,

but why not?

I'm 26 years old,
and I'm a pharmacist,

pharmacy technician, either,
really doesn't matter.

You have to live a fairly
regimented lifestyle,

because sometimes
your hours flip,

and I tend to live a more
regimented lifestyle than others.

Friends and my coworkers all
call me Mr. Robot for fun

because I'm always on time.

Never late, never early,
just always on time.

And I think that having
that regimented lifestyle

is gonna help me quite a bit.

I'm Korean-American,

parents are immigrants from,
of course,

the motherland of South Korea,

not North Korea, South Korea.

I work as a social media
manager for a startup company.

Social media is something
I just love doing.

If I had a weakness, it
would be in that regard,

like, you know, social
media's all about chatter

and being caught
up in the world,

and I personally like to
be caught up in the world,

because I like to think that
I'm pretty knowledgeable

in these kind of things.

When I just have
quiet and stillness

and I can't look at my
phone and everything,

that's when I
get a little antsy,

that's when I
get a little jumpy,

and I'm not sure
what to do with myself.

I would say that every
time I'm in a quiet

and/or intimate situation
with my significant other

or my good friends or just

my first instinct is to look at
my phone.

You know, I think in recent

I've found it harder and
harder to wrap my head around

getting older.

So it's a challenge like this,

it's good timing, it's good

I need this, because I
want to challenge myself.

That's what I've been
doing my entire life,

and it's not that I don't
wanna lose my youth.

I'm just not ready to
be an old man.

you said you prepped for it.

What have you, uh, how
have you been prepping?

I actually started
sleeping on my floor.

Um, 'cause my bed is
really comfortable at home.

It's really comfortable.


I love you so much.

This is for you.

I hope that, uh,

I hope I can win for you

and you can live as
many years as you want

and play as many
games as you want.

I'm looking forward to
the, to the, uh, confinement.

It's going to be quite a test of
my will.

I see that there are some
strong competitors here.

This should make for an
interesting competition.

Uh, what else about me?

Um, I'm very outdoorsy.

My husband and I got
married two years ago,

and it's been really good.

No kids, no kids yet,
so no pressure.


yeah, um, gosh.

My husband, um,
just lost his job,

and he's real upset about it,

and that's sort of how I came
upon here.

I figured it'd be really
nice to be able to be

sole breadwinner for a little

maybe he can go back to
school and, you know,

pursue his dream career.

It'd be really awesome.

See at one time I had

I was a professional
athlete, playin' football.

Ended up screwin' that up a
little bit.

Got thrown in jail, some
things happened there,

but, uh,

I'm out now.

I pretty much don't have

and I wanna have something,

and I wanna succeed at

and I want people to
look at me differently.

Sure, I know I made some

Come in.

Here's the doctor's files.

I'm Hillard May,

the creator and producer
of Solitary Confinement.

Welcome, cast.

Now, I want to congratulate
you on making it to the show.

I can tell you that
we feel that you are

the most able
candidates there is.

You guys are gonna be great.

Now, I know you have questions,

but here's all the information
you're gonna receive.

First, at some point tonight

you will be taken and
brought to a bathroom

where you will be given the
clothes you're allowed to wear.

You will not have shoes.

We have to consider your safety,

so you will not have anything
with you

with which you could harm

Once in your cell, you will
have a camera in the corner,

and when you are
ready to come out,

you simply look toward the

cross your arms
above your head in an X,

and just yell, I quit.

Within a few minutes,
you'll be released.

Now while inside you
will be filmed 24/7

and broadcast over the internet,

so everything you do and say
will be seen.

You will not be freed
unless you quit.

Food will be
delivered once a day.

It'll be enough food for the
entire day.

Now the whole idea of this show

is to test your will to go on.

When the last contestant

we will free that person
and they will win $2 million

and the fame that winning the
first season

of Solitary Confinement brings.

- Nice.
- Wow.

- Good luck.
- Awesome.

Thank you.

I don't know,

I should probably be home
in a couple of hours,

but it's taking a
really, really long time.

You should see this casting
director, she's a total bitch.

And like these girls
and these guys,

I don't even know where they
found these people from.

I swear they're, I don't
know, they're not from here.

Hold on, give me a second.

I would really like
a cafe mocha.

No whip, skim, anyone?

It's showtime.

Jesus, what are meathead one

- and meathead two?
- Yeah.

What is your problem?

You're comin' with me.

What the fuck?

What the fuck is, get off me,

- motherfucker.
- Easy, listen.

What is your problem?

What the fuck?

Mother, goddamn,
what is your problem?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Fucking dumbass
one and dumbass two.

Get your
clothes off.

It's time to

The fuck?

Yeah, we
need to clean up your mouth

like your body.

So you guys are gonna stand
here, watch me get undressed,

because I need to shower?


- What the f...
- And you're beautiful.

Okay, you know what,

I'll make you're fuckin'
day, how 'bout that?


I'm positive it's gonna
be the best pair of tits

that you have ever seen.

- Yeah.
- Not that you've seen many,


And you too, bitch, cunt, all
day being a fucking asshole,

and then you're gonna
watch these fucking guys

watch me get naked.

No, don't you fucking say
anything, bitch.

Hope the $12 an hour is worth
it, dumbass.

- Yeah.
- Hey, I'm just doing my job.


- Take her clothes.
- Okay.

So I just have to
stand here and shower?

You know what, fuck you,
I don't even fucking care.

It's a pair of boobs and an ass.

Oh, hello.

- Two.
- You are gorgeous.

Hi, oh, isn't
this a nice little perk.

You have to buy
me dinner first, mister,

after the show, when I
have millions of dollars.

Let's go.


Wait, hold
on, guys, guys, my hair.

I don't think you know who I am.

There ya go.

Please keep it safe,
it was very expensive.

Your ring and bracelet too.

Okay, ta-da.

This doesn't come off.

Goes with me wherever I go.


Off with the clothes.

You could at least say please.

Gentlemen, I'm Marcus.

Stand up.

All right.

What you got over here?

A tattoo or something, you
with a gang or somethin'?

No, man, it's the Fibonacci
spiral with the Golden Mean.

Nazi, huh?

Not the, whoa.

Jesus, Magilla Gorilla!

Lighten up.

And you, how many
Monster drinks you on

- a day, huh?
- Take your shirt off,

take your pants off.

- Get going.
- That's a shower?

Yeah, you need one.

A couple.

Hi, I'm Marcus.

Nice to meet, fine.

Don't touch


You gonna wash my back
or does that cost extra?

- Stand up.
- Muscles, who are you guys,

Hans and Franz?

Stand up

Where are we going?

Look, we're not gonna, nope.

Don't, careful,

- don't hurt yourselves.
- Behind your back,

put 'em behind your back.

In the process, a bag.

What am I, groceries?

You ain't got nothin' to say?

Come on, Mr. Funny Guy, get
your clothes off or we'll help

- you to take 'em off.
- I needed you to second

the motion, okay.

Yo, what the fuck, man?

I didn't sign up for this

Strip down.


Take your clothes off.

Fuck you, I'm not takin' my
clothes off.

You take your clothes off now,

or I'll take 'em off for you.


Two million, two million.

Two fuckin' million dollars.

That's the only reason
why I'm doin' this.

Towel, lotion?

We don't have a towel

- for you.
- Perfume?


I'll use your shirt.

I'll dry you.

Um, what is this?

You've got to be kidding me,

Put 'em on.

You expect me to wear
this on national television?

Have you seen this?

It's hardly my color.

I think
it suits you perfectly.

Wants a towel.

I want lotion more than a

Now what?

Bring him his clothes.

Thank you, darlin'.

You enjoy the show?

I need a towel.


What is this?

Wow, wow, why don't you
hold that for me, okay?

Sorry to cover up for ya.

I know you wanted to look
as long as you could,

but it is what it is.

Do I get a towel?

No, ma'am.

Hand me

There you

I can dry you if you want.

This is ridiculous.


Cold as can be.

You can at least give
a man some hot water.

Hello, beautiful.

- Hello.
- Bring me his clothes.

Hello, gorgeous.

What, no towel?

you gonna do with it,

put it around your head?

You look like a towel head.

Get dressed.

Funny, man.

This guy.

You the funny man.

What now?

Clothes, awesome.

Where's my fuckin' towel?

This isn't a

Oh my fucking God, you guys
and you're fuckin' stupid ass

fuckin' weak ass scare
tactics, for fuck's sake.

Oh, it's fucking cold.

Fuck you guys, seriously.

You done?


Oh, what the fuck, again,

Oh fuck.


What the, where's the door?

How the fuck did you
guys get me in here?

Jesus Christ, you guys are

a lot more effort than I

Well, that's great, you
didn't get my fuckin' glasses.

10, 11, 12, 13.


That's a bucket.

A bucket?

I think I'm afraid to open
this box.


Do you push me through
this little-ass hole or what?

No shit.

Fuckin', that's on?

That's on.

Hello there.


Oh shit.

The thing is is that you guys

don't know who
you're fuckin' with.

See, I told you,
told you before,

I've done all this type of shit,

well, maybe not
quite like this, but, uh,

yeah, I was in the joint.

And you know what?

I got out.

Oh my God.

All right.

I read somewhere routine is
ideal and try not to sleep,

but how the fuck does
one keep themselves busy

in a fucking room
with nothing in it?

You you didn't
give us toilet paper,

and then you don't give
us utensils or a sink.

That's foul.

Women are just
inherently more intelligent

and just better sense of things.

Yes, we always like to blame

that they have emotional
mood swings and PMS

and blame it all
on that, but, no,

men are just equally capable

of being pretty
dumbasses as well.

Hi, I'm 84, and I'm gonna
frickin' win this thing

and get a million dollars.

I can do this fuckin' room.

I'm gonna redecorate.




I've got my kitchen over here.

Got the bedroom,

got the bathroom slash
fuckin' area where I hang out,

and then I got the
man cave over here,

and it's, uh,
it's gonna be good.

I'm kind of a well rounded

you know, like musically
and shit, you know.

Like, I like, uh, I like
all kinds of shit, man.

I like country music, too.

A lot of people don't know that
about me and shit, you know.

I like some country music, shit.

We can do this, piece
of cake.

Two million.

I bet you can't see that now.

I guess I should do like

an introduction or something
for the fans in the room.

Hi, guys, Bridget here.

It's day one in my new home.

So exciting.

Oh my God, I can't wait.

♪ Jack the Ripper had a knife ♪

♪ He took a
whore out in the night ♪

And then we just had to
jackhammer our way into a hole,

and eventually we're gonna

and then that's like
gravy for us

while women are much more

like it's not just a hole,

it's a complicated piece of

with all these nooks and

and wonders and mysteries
and horrors and terrors

and God knows what.

So it was really cute and
all how you were, you know,

not talking to me and
being all part of the show,

but it's kinda getting old
really quickly.

Come on, you can talk to
me and just edit it out.

Three, two, one.

This is more boring than I

And I have all of you
guys to keep me company.

This shitty
oatmeal and this water

that tastes like
an old man's piss.

I believe that's a shit bucket.

That is a shit bucket, so,

mmm, I'm gonna have a
lot of fun with that one.

Auditory, smell, sight,

memory, what else, what else,

That's do, my birthday is

My husband's birthday is August
2nd, '71.

You know, I bet you've never

a fuckin' sport in your life.

Huh, you know about heart?

I got that.

You watch and see.

Hey, guys.


I have to go to the bathroom.

I need somebody to
come and let me out

so I can use the toilet.

It's been a long time,
it's about time.

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh-Huh, oh oh ♪

♪ Then it's all ♪

Yeah, that's pointless.

24/7, huh?

Think that was a good idea?


Okay, there must be some
significance to that,

and we will
attempt to decode it.

184, fuck, I suck at math,
I mean,

codes and shit, right
over the top of my head.

Some really smart person
must've come up with this.

Take the fucking eight
off and take the four off,

and leave the one, because I
am your number one, numero uno.

Okay, let's try
this one more time.

Get me to a fucking restroom
or speak to my fucking lawyer.

I wanna eat.


Hey, you got
me eatin' this shit like

a fuckin' slave, man.

Eat this shit, man, what the
fuck is that?

Somethin' like that.

Yes, Mommy always said I
have the grace of a cow.

Oh my God.

Motherfucking oatmeal?


Hello, hey, hey, hey, hey,
I have to use the bathroom.

You, I saw a hand.

Do you know who I am?

I'm being fed once a day.


Fucking oatmeal, oatmeal,

fucking oatmeal,
fuck you, fuck you.

I can go without
eating for days.

I've lived without electricity,

without water on
the fucking street.

I can live on
fucking oatmeal, okay?

Fuck you, fuck you and your
fucking room

with no fucking door and
trying fucking scare tactics.

Fuck you, you guys are fucking
pieces of fucking shit.

I don't even fucking like
oatmeal, motherfuckers.

There's no nudity in my

so you can't actually show

even if I accidentally show

Oh God, so gross.

I hope you're planning on
dumping this right away.

Stretch, man, come on, it's
just a game.

It's just a game.

It's a game.

Come on, come on, you got
this, girl, it's just a game.

It's just a game.

It's just a game.

It's a game.

It's a game.

It's a game, it's a game

Fuck the other contestants.

Fuck the other contestants.

Fuck the other contestants.

You think any of these other
assholes are doin' this?

Nah, nah, they're in there

fuckin' bangin' their
heads against the wall,

moanin' and groanin',

oh, I miss my family and my
boyfriend and all that shit.

That's why this is too easy.

That's why this is too easy.

I guarantee you I'm down to
like the last two, easily two.

Some asshole wants to
push me, that's fine.

The producers probably
see him in the room,

and he's probably dead,
and they're like,

oh no, he's still in there,
so, shit, I already won.

I already won.

It's a mental thing.

It's a mental thing.

That's why I'm gonna win,
'cause it's a mental thing.

It's all mental.

And I tried to tell that to 'em.

They shouldn't have even
let me come in here,

'cause of how easy this is.

Six, seven days, I'll
outlast most people.

Hey, um, if anyone can hear
me, I'm not feeling well.

I don't mean to be a diva,
but I'm just wondering

if I could get like some
different food

or like some medicine or

Uh, I'm not exactly
sure what's a matter.

It could be the smell of the
bucket that's making me sick

or some of the
leftover food in there.

Actually, I'm pretty fucking
sure, sure it's those things.

What the fuck!


Okay, it's just that thing,

it's that thing, it's that
thing they told you about.

It's that thing, don't, it's the

It's the thing, okay, shh.

I see what you
guys are doing here.

Because of my OCD, you're
trying to mess with my head.

You're trying to make things
a little out of alignment, but

I am in complete and full
control of my faculties.

I will perfectly,
perfectly fine.


You didn't know I was a
musician, right?

Drums, yeah, guitar.


The money, I'm doin' it,
I'm doin' it,

I'm doin' it for the money, um.

Payin' off my credit card.

I'm buying a new guitar.

I'm buying a new house,
I'm buying a house,

I don't have a house,
I'm buying a house.

That's, I'm gonna pay my mom's

I'm gonna produce my next album.

Seeing how you've
messed with the lights

and how everything
is very quiet,

I can see that you're just
tryin' to mess with me.

Everything's a little askew,

See right here?

Now if you had seen this and
done this maybe five years ago,

this would have annoyed
the crap out of me.

But because

I am in control of my mental

and I have developed a certain

it's not gonna bother me.

Credit card, guitar, house.

You could always send
up a magazine, you know.

Even one, I mean.

Even if I had to read it
over and over, at least it's,

you know, this is,

it's a lot harder than it looks.

To thine own self be true,
fuck it.

I quit.

Hey, I'm done.

Let me out.


To thine own self be true.

To thine own self be true.

I can't be in here.

I was told that I possibly have

so any like major amounts
of stress and stuff, um,

isn't good for me, so
I need to be let out.

That's truth, I lied,
I lied, I suck.

You should've told us
where you were takin' us,

'cause I don't know where I am.

Does my wife know where I am?

Does my family know where I am?

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

One, two.

It's this silence.

Oh, it's the silence,
it's the silence, fucking,

so fucking lonely.

I can't do it.

I can't do it, that's it.

That's it, guys.

See this?



Go on, that's it.

It's over.

Get me out, I quit.

I quit.

♪ On my third day of solitary ♪

♪ I want to take a shower ♪

I see.

It's like a next level.

It's reality, it's kind of
reality TV.

Oh my God.

That's so fucking brilliant.

You might actually
shoot it like it's real

for reality TV, oh my God.

Why didn't I think of it?

Ow, oh, God.


A little change of scenery
oh my God.

I was thinking this is gonna
be fun,

you know,
I can win this, I can just,

I will just talk myself and
just provide entertaining,

engaging topics
and then this'll be

a new type of reality
TV show where, you know,

the audience will be educated
by what I have to say.

Ah, man, that sounds so

Now that I just said it out

And I'm gonna win the
first ever real reality show.

My God.

I'm gonna be in every magazine.

Oh my God, it's like in Survivor

if they were actually having to

Now I fucking get why
tigers pace in zoos.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

Firing number one,

firing number two,

firing number three,

firing number four,

five, six, seven, eight.

Eight firings.

Eight ways to block and
strike simultaneously.

Four bottles, four food.

I don't know if it's
been four days,

'cause these fuckers aren't
feeding me at the same time.

Two of those clearly came

either before or longer than
a day, I don't fucking know.

This is fucking bullshit,

This is being recorded, right?

So, uh, not to be rude,

but I feel like you could
get sued or something.

87, 88, 89, 90.

I'm gonna be in pretty good

by the time I get out of here,


Did you know that in 1776

when the founding fathers of

were drafting the
Declaration of Independence,

a man sat at his desk in
Konigsberg, Germany and drafted

a philosophical work which
was the diametric opposite

of the philosophical premises
upon which

the Declaration of Independence

of the United States was based.

That man's name was
Immanuel Kant, K-A-N-T.


I think a more appropriate name

would've been Immanuel Cunt,
because that indeed he was.

Fuck you, fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

You motherfuckers want to
film me in some awkwardness?

I did not fucking
sign up for this.

This fucking shit, no
fucking food, fuck you,

fuck you whoever fucking
created this fucking show.

You're a piece of fucking shit.

And if you're watching this

you're a piece of fucking shit.

What kind of motherfuckers are

Fuck you!

This isn't, this isn't a game.

This, that didn't mean anything,
did it?

It's not a game.

Go away, you can just.


Jesus fucking Christ.

I would take my time here

to share with you my
views on these things.

The United States was based upon

the freedom of the individual,

whereas communism and
socialism, dictatorships,

some dictatorships, if you like,

are based upon collectivism,

which is basically, decisions
are made

for the benefit of the greater

without regard to the

And if you explore where that
has led,

the communist new upon
the founding of the USSR

that they would never make it.

They will achieve technical

but never economic efficiency or

Hey, um, could I just
get some like saltines?

If you don't have medicine,
like just, uh, some saltines

or some 7UP or some tea

or some blanket?

Is this breaking the rules?

Guys, I'm just, I know someone
is there.

What if I got my period,
would you bring me a tampon?

I feel like you would have
to, like, uh, legally.

This is a show, right?

I am just smelling my own,

I'm just smelling my own shit,

and it's saying something
when the smell of my own shit

has become quite endearing
actually, just, just, just,

a normal thing, just like oh
yes what's that in your pocket?

Just my own shit, it's just,
it's great.

tired of being grumpy.

Here my stomach growl,

I'm fucking starving.

I don't want oatmeal anymore.

What am I doing, what am I

Oh my God, I'm sorry.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, baby.

Oh, oh you want out, you want
out already?

Don't make me.

I quit.

♪ Went down to the river ♪

♪ Thought I didn't drown ♪

♪ Saw a redheaded woman
and I couldn't go down ♪

Let me the fuck out.

I'm sorry, I don't care about
the money.

I don't care about being on TV.

I just wanna go home.

I just wanna go home to my cats.

I just wanna go home to David
and my bed.

I miss David.

On today's edition of
What's Fucked Up in the World,

let's talk about, let's talk

let's talk about how, how
women are portrayed in movies.

I mean, you always notice that
the movies,

there's always like, you know,

there's always the girlfriend
who has like

the really stupid or
douchey or evil boyfriend,

and she's like, ah, I'm
too dumb to, you know,

to just break up with him,
you know, thinking, you know,

she can't do it until like the
ugly ass,

mediocre looking hero
has to come and be like,

oh, I'll save the day,
but then the girl is like,

no, I just wanna friend zone you

and then the movie progresses,

and then at some point the
guy somehow convinces the girl

that, you know, she's like

and like she finally dumps the

the evil, douchey boyfriend,
and then they finally.

I just wanna live my life,
be a happy person and normal

and fuck it and be around

After this, I'm gonna be
around fuckin' people.

It's better than this.

Anything, anything is better
than this.

I can't, you gotta let me go.

How long have I been here?

You gotta let me out.

I gave up.

I gave up.

You're killing me!

I gave, I gave up.

God, I want you
here right now.

I want you with me so bad,
just tell me what to do,

just tell me what to fucking
do, just tell me what to do.

I don't wanna make this
decision for you by myself.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Watching right now, watching
this, like do you agree?

Like, just, I mean, I can't
see if you agree or disagree.

Thumbs up,
thumbs down, just like,

what do you think about that?

I mean, this is a very
concerning topic.

You know, we always
see the same old shit.

Or, or better yet, you know,
it's always like one guy

and like seven women and
each of 'em are fucked up,

like fuck, there's the
hooker with a heart of gold,

the psychotic ex-girlfriend,
or some, some shit like that.

I mean, like, it's just,
it's just old and boring,

and you know there
always has to be

like this cheesy romance thing.

I just, I can't, I
hate it, I can't do this.

I just, I fucking can't do this.

This is too fucking much.

I did not sign up for this,

lack of fucking food and

I can't, I can't do it.

This is fucking bullshit,
it's fuckin' bullshit.

You guys are gonna fucking
starve me to death.

Okay, God, fuck it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

a million dollars
is not worth it.

It's not fucking worth it.

Come, come get me out.

Come fucking get me out.

Fuck, no, let me out, let me


Fuck you and your fuckin' food

and your fucking shit, get
the fuck out, fuck this room!

Fuck it!

Fuck it!

Oh my God.

No, no, no, no, no.

Guys, could you, could some,

clearly you're fucking
watching this, right?

So you're aware that there's
a mistake and I can't get out.

Um, I'm sorry I'm probably

and I've, uh, I don't know,
there was a lot of rules,

there was a long contract,
maybe I didn't read everything,

maybe like there's a
certain amount of hours

until I get released, but I
would like to get out now,

so if someone is watching this,
and, uh, I'm gonna be sick,

if somebody is watching this,

and, uh, can please
fucking like call someone

or tell someone that I
would like to come out,

that would be great.

Please do this for me right now.

Um, I can't tell if I'm

I don't have like a scope.

Um, all I know is that I don't
feel okay.

And maybe I'll get out

and we'll all have a
good laugh

later about how I lost
my shit on TV

and everyone thought it
was really fucking funny.

But right now I
need to come out.

I'm so.

Somehow let me go, let me go.

I'm asking, I'm begging,
let me go.

I wanna see my wife.

Oh my God,.

Hey, hey, I'm done, I'm done,

Listen, listen, I'm done, I
don't want it, I want out.

Hey, fucker, I know you're right

Come here!

Tell them I want out right now,


My God, oh my God, get
me out of here, I'm done!

I don't want this shit!

I don't want this water!

I'm done, I don't want this
fucking shit, I'm done!

I'm so done!

Come here, get back here!

God, I don't want this.

I don't want this!

I don't want this anymore.

Oh my God, what is wrong with
you people?

Oh my God.

I've been here six days.

20, came in two.

One, two, three, four,

one two, three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, 10,

11, 12, 13, four.


One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

Did you add a screw there?

There's been 13 every other day.

Let me go.

Fuck you mean?

Watch it, man.

How the fuck did
you get in here?

Like, who, who let you in?

She , she,

wait, be quiet, ssh, it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

You're fucking watching this,

you fucking like this, you

I see what this is.

This is a fucking,
this is a fucking.

I'll do whatever you want,

whatever you want.

Please, I know I look crazy
right now,

but I am attractive normally.

I could take a shower
here, I've got water.

It's not real.

I need to get back to real,

need to get back to real,

need to get back to real.

Oh my God, this is, this
is done, look, I'm done.

This is not me, I'm done.

I'm done, this is so stupid.

I'm so done!

Why don't you try it?

They can't see me.

They'll have to come.

They'll have to come if they
can't see.

They'll have to come if they
can't see.

Oh God.


I can do this.

I can't, I can't, I can't.


I'm sorry.

I can't.

I don't know where I am.

I don't know where I am.


Oh God.

Could you all get me a real

You all playin'
these games, man.

You all playin', oh man,
all this shit.

That's a mess.

Hey, hey, give me a
napkin or some shit, man.

Hey, you all never
sent a napkin in here

with the food and shit anyway.

Put one in there, man.

My hands are sticky.

Man, man, she was,
she was good though.

She was good though.

Yo, yo, that hologram
shit you all got,

that's some pretty good shit.

Oh God, fuck it.

You're gonna let me out

if you can't see me.



Oh God, I can't.

I'm doing better, I'm doing
better than,

I'm doing better than, I'm doing

I'm doing better than
most of the people are.

I'm doing better than most.

No, no, no, no, no, okay.

Maybe you missed it.

I'm worried my baby
wants out, and I want out,

and she's crawling in me,
and she's crying in me.

She's hurting my stomach,
and I need out, I need help.

Somebody please, I don't
I'm, I don't think I'm well,

and I have a baby, and I...

I don't think I'm healthy,
I think,

I think I need to
come out now, please.

You broke me.

I'm an idiot.

Okay, okay, I'm not tough.


182, look at 182!

I'm just from my attitude,

and I know I'm a bitch.

Please, please
I wanna see my mom.

It's done, I'm done, I'm done,
I'm done!

I'm fucking done!

Let me the fuck out of here!

Hey, you see me, America, huh?

Yeah, I've been doing
my sit-ups and shit.

Check that out.

Man, hey watch this
right here, watch this.

Ah, yeah, huh?

Yeah, I've spent, hey, after

hey, I expect all you women
watchin' this,

yo, all the women watchin' this,

be outside when I get out,
because you not only get this,

but then I'm a millionaire on
top of that,

so how 'bout that?

You can get all of that, huh?

Have you forgotten about me?

You said I could leave.

You said I could
leave anytime I wanted

as long as I did this,
well, I'm doing this!

I'm doin' it!

I didn't do anything.

I can't die in here.

I haven't even lived my life.

Please don't do this to me.

Huh, you all see that?

Yeah, boy, they can't
move like that.

You see, you all, you know what,

you know what, Mr. Producer?

You can't move like that.


'Cause you don't have no culture
and shit.

See, I got culture and shit,
like see, see that shit there?

Oh, oh, man.

It's fine,
I can take it.

The joke's on you.

The joke's, the joke is
on you.

If someone is
making you do this,

they're gonna hurt you too.

And if we work together...

Can you just say hello?

I mean, when was the last
fucking time

you've seen like an Asian
dude like having sex

with a woman on a romcom in

You'd never see that.

I mean, when you go to
Asia, of course, you see it,

'cause it's only
Asian movies, but.

Can you please just turn
the light off, please?

I really would just like a night
of sleep.

Even my family or my
friends, the few that I have,

I mean, I don't know what
else you want me to say.

I am done!


I have shit on my fucking hand.

I have vomit, wait!

Don't go!

I love you, I love you so

I love you.

All I wanted to do was
make your life better.

That's all I want.


No, I don't want this.

This isn't what I want!

I want out.

Get me out.


Okay, no, okay, okay, okay,
um, okay,

so that's, okay, okay.

Okay, that's good,
that's good, that's good.

See, see, another day,
another day, another day.

Wet dream, oh,
this is fucked up.

I gotta get the fuck out of
here, man.

All right, all right, you win.

You win, guys.

I'm done.

Oh shit.

Oh man.

Oh shit, oh man,
America, oh man.

What America gonna
think of me now, huh?

If, if I was like, fuck it, I,
I, shit.

I deserve a lot of credit.

If I did it, Goddamn it.

You know damn well that pretty
much all you motherfuckers

couldn't have done this,
this, this much,

but I at least did this much.

Yeah, I'm, I tell you
what I'm gonna do though.

When I get out of this

all right, I'm gonna get
me some, some real pussy,

not that shit I had over there.

That shit was good too.

Don't get me wrong.

This fuckin' sucks, so I'm,

but I deserve credit.

I still deserve credit,

so I don't wanna hear
anything from anyone.

Don't fuckin' call me and text
me with a bunch of bullshit.

Okay, don't fuckin' email me,
ah, ah, ah, fuck you, okay?

I did really good.

Pretty, pretty damn good.

Pretty sure I would've
done way better

than any of you assholes, so
don't fuck with me after this.

Seven, eight, nine, 10,
no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, okay.

Race X.


Oh, hey, hey, hey, Malcolm X.

Fuck yeah, yeah, yeah, man,

Fuck it, fuck, fuck it,
come on, come on, come on.

Let's do it, let's do
it, let's do it, fuck it.




Yo, right there, man.

Fuck, what the fuck is goin' on?

What y'all doin', some
paperwork or some shit?

I don't even fucking care.

Who gives a fuck?

It's so stupid anyway.

Dumbest fucking
thing I ever did.

Gonna get
some pizza and beer.

Pizza and fucking beer.

I'm gonna call Ashley tonight,

and we're gonna have some fun,

and I'm gonna get the
fuck out of here.

Stop, stop looking at me,
stop it.

I am in control, I can do this,

I can do this, I can do this.

Fuckin' really, come on!

Hello, I wanna fucking leave.

Okay, I quit.

This, this, this, this,
whatever the fuck, let's go.

Please let me out.

Please, please.

Let me out!

Please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

Please, please, please.

I didn't disclose to get on
the show.

Um, I have seizures.

I didn't tell you,

'cause I wanted to go on the
fucking show.

But, um, you have to let me out.

You have to let me out,
'cause, um, it feels the same

all the time before I have
a seizure, I feel some,

hot and, uh, dizzy,

and I would rip my clothes
off right now, I'm so hot,

but I don't wanna give you
the fucking satisfaction.

And I know you think
it's a ploy to get out,

but I am unwell.

Have you decided
on a new dress?

A new dress for you.

I wanna go so bad.

Fuckin' unprofessional,
that's what it is.

It's unprofessional.

Unprofessional to
have us come in here

and do all this bullshit,
sign an agreement,

fuckin' interviews.

I'm on fuckin' TV right now
lookin' like an asshole.

Let me out!

Let me out, let me out,
let me out, let me out!

Let me out!

Everything ripped off of me,

Bitch, bitch I was with, you

I got locked up, she took
the whole motherfuckin',

shitload of fuckin' money.


Hey, uh, what's this shit, man?

Yo, man, I aint' eatin'
this shit no more, man.

Yo, yo, I ain't eatin' this
motherfuckin' shit no more, man.

Fuck outta here.

I'm eatin' real food,

I ain't eatin' that shit no

Come on, man, are you
all bullshittin' now?

Not yet, when we get around
to it eventually we'll come,

and say, oh, that's right,
you wanted to leave.


No, no, no, no, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey,

I'm done, I quit, fuckin' idiot.


Hey, I quit.

I fuckin' quit, remember?

I just quit, I'm ready to leave.

I quit, I leave.

Okay, keep your fuckin'
money, I don't want your food,

fuck, you know what?

Fuckin' eat this shit,
get the fuck outta here,

get the fuck outta here.

I'm keepin' this.

Great test, guys.

Great test.

I quit.

I'm done.

I surrender.

It's okay.


Okay, baby.

♪ Baby girl ♪

Five, six, seven, eight,
no, it's gotta be 10,

it's gotta be, one, two,
three, four, five, six,

one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, 10.

This is Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Marian, say hi to Bob.

He is a sociopath.

He likes to eat cinnabuns,
that's his thing.

This is Duke.

This is Robert.

This is Sung-ho.

Yeah, this is a Korean guy.

White, white, black.

Um, this is Dorothy.

She's a dog.

Oh my God, the stench.

Gotta hand it to you guys.

That was the most brilliant
part of this fuckin' thing.

The stench is unbearable.

It's degrading.

Okay, baby, don't cry,
don't cry.

Why are you crying?

Stop, I can't take it.

I can't take your crying, honey.

No, I know, I know.

Nine, 10.

See, see?

I can do this, I can do
this, I am in control,

I am in control.

I am in control of
every fiber of my being,

and I am relaxed, calm,
and happy.

You can't control me,
you can't control me,

you can't control me.

I like this one,
just jack off to,

but as much as I
want to jack off,

I just know that there
are people watching,

so I don't wanna just whip out
my dick

and just ejaculate
all over this.

I mean, you wouldn't judge
me, right, if I just,

just like fuckin' whipped
out my dick, right?

There, that's English,

Ah shit.

Yo, I got some good shit, yo.

Ah, fuck.

What the fuck did I sign up for?

I don't want it anymore,
I don't want it anymore.

I'm gonna be so fuckin'
pissed when I get out there.

Wait, wait till I get out there.

The longer you keep me in
here, the fuckin' more mad,

the, the madder,
madder I'm gonna get,

and I'm gonna
fucking go out there,

and then you're gonna
hear about it from me

fuckin' in person instead of
this stupid fuckin' camera.

I know I'm the reigning
blockbuster and shit, right,

so what you tryin' to do,

you tryin' to hold me in
this motherfucker, right?

I swear I'll never call myself

the ultimate prankster again.

Guys, this shit is
not fucking funny,

for me or for you at home.

Okay, look, I was
talkin' shit earlier, okay?

I've been talkin' shit since
I got here, fine, you got me.

You got me on TV, all
these fucking people,

they saw it, and now it's over.

I'm gonna fuck this room
up, I swear to God, man.

You know what?

Hey, yo, yo, you all
see this shit?

Yo, this came outta my ass, yo.

This came out of my
motherfuckin' ass.


I need my medication,
my back is just fucked up

from sittin' here, lyin'
on this hard floor.

You did that on purpose.

You put 10 there.

You did that on purpose.

I fuckin' said I quit!


You stay, you stay, I'll
stay, I'll stay, you stay.

You're fuckin' watchin'.

You're fuckin' watchin',

and I say you can't do
this, and you can't do it!

Fuckin' John, Robert, you're
my brother, call someone,

say somethin', the fuck!

I don't wanna be
here anymore, I lost!

Wow, I was goin' clockwise.

Maybe I should go this
way on my quest.

Although that might back up

Fuck it.

I quit.

We'll see who's fuckin'
laughin' later

when I sue your ass

for you almost
fucking killing me,

for a fucking game,
a stupid game!

I feel like a fuckin' idiot.

What the fuck was I thinking?


It is so bad.

It's so bad.

I can't do this anymore,
I can't,

I'm done, I'm done, I quit.

I quit, I quit, I'm
done, please, I'm done.

Please let me out,
I quit, please.

I did the fuckin' X.

What, she her hands closed, she
had her hands closed, there.

Fuckin' X, hands closed.

X hands open.

X one hand closed the
other open and switch,

all fucking combinations.

You can let me out.

Yeah, I don't feel good.

I can get a hamburger.

Get a hamburger.

Hey, please, excuse me,
excuse me, I,

I have a baby, I swear.

All right, I got a
food and water

to open the fuckin' door,

or whatever the fuck you're
gonna do.





Son of a bitch.

Now I've went and done it.

Yeah, this is, this is

This is fuckin' first-class
goddam entertainment.

Oh my.

You have not
robbed me of my dignity.

You have not.

You have given me more
than you've taken from me.

I chose this.

I chose this.

You didn't put me here,
I wanted to be here.

No, it's just
gonna take awhile.

It's just gonna take
awhile for you to get to me

and then I'll get out,
and then I'll go home.

It's just you're on your way.

You're on your way,
and you're comin',

and I'm goin' home, I quit.

Oh my fault, I did this.

That's fine, I did it.

Fuck that.

Come on!

Things like that, huh, yeah?

I figured this out.

You haven't told me about that.

See, game over,
game over, game over.

This still fun for you?

Was any of it ever real?

Is this real?


Why don't you just
kill me, motherfucker?

Huh, what the fuck is the
fuckin' point?

What's, what's the fuckin'

They're not coming.

What, what?




Okay, okay, we're still playin'.

We're still playin'.


Forgive them for they
know not what they do.

Forgive me.

Forgive me

for I have sinned.

That's so sweet.

It was so nice to see you
at the tea party last week.

Perhaps next time
we can make sure

that you come for dinner, right?

Dinner's very simple these days.

I wanna see my wife and kids.

I want to see my wife and kids.

I wanna.

I wanted to see
my wife and kids.

No, no, no, no.


What did I do?

I've, oh my God, oh my God.



Goddammit, Goddammit!


Is this your idea of pleasure?

To see people suffer.

There's already enough of that,

and I feel it every day.

That's why I chose to
be the way that I was.

This is just sick.

You're watching.

Keep watching.

Keep watching.


as I wallow in shit.

Michael, it's time to eat.

My girlfriend always tells
me you should always exercise,

'cause she's always like,
Edward, you're getting fat,

you know, you just,
you should just,

you should just eat food,
you know, eat healthy food,

and just exercise every day,

stop looking at your fucking

Man, she'll be so happy to see
I'm not looking at my phone.

You like that, huh?

Meryl, you fucking
bitch, you fucking cunt!

I'm not looking at my
fucking phone anymore!

I quit.

I don't understand, what is
this for?

Why, why, why?

I wanna go home.

Bob, you know how it
goes when you make a movie.

It's just such an honor
to be on the red carpet.

Oh, you want a quote
for your publication?

Okay, um,

that hard work and dedication
will always help you succeed.

I know people that you've
never even fucking thought of!

Can't see you,
you can't see me.

I'm gonna stay like this.

I'm done.

What's it like to
finally get to see

your dream project
up on the big screen?

Well, I don't know, let's
go watch it and find out.

Let me out!


I don't know why I
just got really sad.

I wanna sleep in my bed, Mom.

I wanna sleep in my bed.

I want, and a cover,
with the green cover.

It's been eight days.

'Cause that's
what I'm here for.

I'm here for all of you.

You make me who I am.

Maybe you'll even enjoy
watching me on TV, right?