Hughie Green, Most Sincerely (2008) - full transcript

- What you waltlng for?
- I thlnk I need the tollet.

- You should have gone earlier.
- I didn't want to earller.

Do you want me to go out there
and ask everyone to Walt?

Would you. Papa?

Of course I fucklng won't.
Now get out there.

Here I aml

Thank you, Sandra.
wonderful, wonderful, wonderfuL

Thank you, frlends. Thank you, frlends.

Thank you so much. Bless you all.
Thank you.

All rlght, welcome to our very flrst
show In wales, ladles and gentlemen.

Tell our frlends In the audience,
where are you from, my dear?



Lhndudno.

Could you say that agaln,
just for me, please?

Lhndudno.

Shh... Rlght here In beautiful
Shrandldno, ladles and gentlemen.

Isn't that wonderful?

And what do you do for a llvlng?
If you don't mlnd me asklng.

- I'm a housewife.
- A housewife. That's tremendous.

Now, when he proposed to you,
did he go down on the one knee?

H: did?

Look at that beautiful rlng,
ladles and gentlemen.

Isn't that beautiful?

Marriage ls a wonderful lnstltutlon.
You must be very...

(ooueume)

- Excuse me. You must be very happy.
- Oh, yes, I am.



Good. So you know exactly
how we play the game.

I ask you a question, and you get
a chance to double your money.

Oh, yes, I know.
I've seen It on the telly.

- You've seen It on the telly?
- I've seen you on the telly, too.

- Oh, you've seen me on the telly, too?
- Oh, you're no jlmmy Young.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm no “mm Young?

we“, you know what they say
to “mm Young.

They say,
"jimmy, you're no Hughle Green."

(ALL LAUGHING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come lnl I won't blte.
It's all rlght, teeth are In the jar.

- And what's your name, sweetheart?
- Clare.

Clare. That's a beautiful name.
Is that... That's my wife's name.

Claire with an "I" or Clare without?

Jaflthout.
Jmthout.

well, that's a small mlracle
you can see where you're going.

Old ones are the best.

- Uh, Hughle...
- I'll be with you In one moment, slr.

It's me, jess.

I apologise, slr, but you still have
the advantage of me. jess...

we worked together.

Jess Yates.

GREEN: Flve years,
I thlnk It's a good run.

YATES: It's not a crltlclsm,
It's just an observation.

GREEN: Good God I

Not the klnd of hotel you're used to,
but I've got blg plans.

Any of those plans Involve dynamite?

Do you want to stay? If you need a room,
I can get you a room.

I'm pretty settled where I am.

- Uh, whisky?
- Thank you, yes.

Thank you, s“.

You know, I would change one thlng
about your show.

Don't tell me. The presenter.

(LAUGHING)

You are a bloody natural, I mean that.
No, I'd change the £32 questlon.

You don't llke the £32 question?

No, It's not the question, It's just
the sense of copplng out, you know.

You're glvlng people the chance
to Wln £1,000.

You're asklng them to gamble,

but then for some reason
which I can't get my head around,

provldlng they get the £32,
you glve them that money anyway.

My contestants,
they're not seasoned gamblers.

£32 ls a safety blanket.
It's a prlze that they all can reach.

And who's going to watch a show
where no prlzes are glven away?

You take It out, you got a hlt
on your hands, mark my words.

What a loss to show buslness now that
you've opted for the hotel trade.

(CHUCKLING)

No, this place'll do well.
You walt tlll we open a nightclub.

Wife's Idea, mlnd. Keep her Interested.

Oh, Elalnel we marrled a fortnight ago.

Well, congratulations.
was the marriage...

How shall I say? was that a necessity?

Ah, no bun In the oven yet.
At least not as far as I know.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Ah, let me Introduce you.
Hughle, this ls the new Mrs Yates.

- Elalne, this ls Hughle...
- You don't have to tell me who this ls.

Delighted to meet you, Mrs Yates.

Are you here with the family, Hughle?

No, I left them In Cornwall for a...
For a... For a holiday.

I sailed up the coast,
uh, yesterday mornlng.

You have a boat?

My dear lady, I only travel by road
when there's no alternative.

The oabln's small, but It's...

(ooueume)

Excuse me. It's... It's cosy.

Oh, well, we always have room
for you here, If It becomes unbearable.

YATES: No, I've already offered.

Well, now that I've had tlme
to thlnk about It,

It seems llke a good Idea.

- Perfectl
- We're honoured.

Go and flx up Room 11, would you?
And glve It a decent vacuum.

- Yes, former Mlss BlackpooL
- Yeah, I can see why.

Yeah, I was one of the judges.
That's why.

What three European countrles
begln with the letter "A"?

What mammals travel with yellowfln tuna?

How many furlongs are there to a mlle?

The coronation of which monarch
was held at Westminster Abbey

In 1953?

Queen Ellzabeth III

(GRUNTING)

(ooueume)

(CI) IN CLIN KING)

Thank you.

Oh, very good mornlng to you, Mrs Yates.

Hughle, are you looklng forward
to tonlght's sham

we“, fingers crossed
for another packed house.

I've always been
so very, very fond of the welsh.

How do you choose the contestants?

Do you really plck them
out of the audience?

Well, on a summer show llke this,
It ls the only way.

I've always wondered
what It must feel llke

to get up on a really blg stage.

Well, then, you should come along
to the show.

I mean, who knows? Perhaps you could be
one of the fortunate few.

Please, ladles flrst.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, frlends. Thank you.

We have another contestant
who wants to play Double Your Money.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

All rlght, so the flrst question
we always ask our contestants ls,

what ls your name?

- Elalne.
- And Is that Mlss or Mrs?

- Mrs.
- Nlce and loud, If you don't mlnd,

so they can hear you
all the way at the back.

Mrs Elalne Yatesl

The back of the theatre, my dear,
not the back of Tlmbuktu.

I'm sorry, I'm just a bit nervous,
you know.

No, that's not a problem.
That's perfectly flne.

Now, why don't you whisper In my ear,

and then Iean repeat everything
you say to me to the audience?

(WHISPERING)

I can't repeat that, madam.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But In answer to your question...

What would you llke to talk about
this evening?

Uh...

- Ornlthologyl
- Ornlthology, my favourite subject.

We're going to get the questlons
on ornlthology rlght now.

Thank you very much, Sandra.
Your flrst question ls for £1.

After that, I'll ask you
If you want to double your money.

Do you understand?
Could you come a llttle closer...

- Elalne, was It?
- Yes.

Your flrst question for £1, Elaine,
Is this.

The robln redbreast
ls a terrltorlal blrd,

commonly found
In a domestic sltuatlon...

(INAUDIBLE)

MAN: Good nlght.
WOMAN: Good nlght.

Don't be sllly. Oh, please yourself.

Warner“

A necessary av“.

Your wife, does she understand you?

Dalre ls an absolute dear.
I'd be lost without her.

No, no, but does she understand you?
The real you?

The Greens have been named
for 15 happy years.

dalre knows everything
she needs to know about me and...

(CLEARING THROAT)

Anything she flnds unsavoury,
she knows not to mentlon.

But what If I made a mistake?

Let me glve you
a free plece of advice, jess,

from a man who's been there and...
And done It.

A wife only becomes a wife
after she becomes a mother,

so If you...

(SPEAKING QUIETLY) If you want to keep
your Uttle Mlss Liverpool,

you have to glve her a focus.

- BlackpooL
- Wherever.

Do you understand me? Hmm? Do you?

(MURMURING)

(ooueume)

I'm going to bed.

Hmm?

So... You're drunk.

Sald the kettle.

Try not to make too much nolse
when you come up.

Good nlght, Mrs Yates.

YATES: Uh, women.

(YATES MURMURING)

No problem, Mr Col.l.lns.
we'll expect you this afternoon.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Salllng home today, Hughle?

The forecast ls just perfect for It.
Thank you so much for your hospltallty.

It was a pleasure.

Maybe If I'm ever In London,
you could return the favour.

My accommodation ls somewhat more modest
than yours, Mrs Yates.

No available rooms, I'm afrald.

Thank you so much.

For me?

My dear lady, these flowers were
presented to me by a fan.

How lnsultlng It would be
to glve them to just anyone.

Hellol

Hellol

Papa's homel

Christopher, Llnda...

Go glve your father a hug.

Hello, klddles. How are you?

Dld you mlss me?

That depends. Dld you mlss us?

(SIGHING)

Klds, brlng the bags In,
will you, please? Thank you.

- And what's your name?
- I'm Sarah.

Sarah.

- Denny.
- I'm sorry?

.Penl1Y-
.penl1Y-

-jessloa.
-jessloa, what a lovely name.

Jessloa.

- Do I see a pattern formlng here?
- They're the best of the bunch.

That ls the problem.

Ladles, you're all perfectly delightful,

you're just not qulte rlght
for tonlght's show.

Uh, do you understand? Thank you.

Jlm, glve me something to work with.

I mean, how dlfflcult ls It
to flnd me ordinary people?

People don't want to tune In
to see ordinary people.

They want to tune In to see something
they've never seen on televlslon before,

themselves.

Hmm?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

('an you stand a “m: chaser to ma,
phase, madam'!?

Yes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

You have children, I belleve?

- Four.
- Four.

- No, five. Sony, five.
- You forgot one there for a moment.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'm a M“: nervous.

No, I qulte understand.
And you're sure It's not slx?

I mean, thlnk back, madam.
('an you name them? What are thelr names?

John, Elizabeth, Margaret...

Oh, and Jimmy's the youngest.

John, Elizabeth, Margaret, jlmmy.
That's four.

Yes, sorry, four.

We“, maybe you haven't gotten round
to nammg the fifth one yet.

Do you remember where you left It?

(CLEARING THROAT)

So, what would you llke to talk about
this evening?

Children.

Unfortunately we don't have
a category for children.

Wlu you get me some children?

One second.

# For he's a jolly good fellow

#And sosayallofusil

(cums)

whom

It's a surprise, so don't open your eyes
untll I tell you.

Do you understand me? Good.

Ta-dal

You can open your eyes now.

Walt, there are still one or two
adjustments to be made,

so just glve your papa
a llttle more tlme, wlll you, please?

Thank you.

Thank you. All of you.

Come on.

Come on, my M“: beauty.

mum WHISTLING)

GREEN: we cover all the towns
In England, Scotland and wales

over a 12-month perlod.

- It's gonna make It extremely...
- Hughle?

- Jessl
- I'll see you In the gallery.

- How the devil are you, Yates?
- Good. Yourself?

Prosperlng. And the hotel buslness?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I mlss show business.

That's why I'm here.
I've got an Interview.

Well, that's just great, jess.

Hows that delightful young wife
of yours. Helen, wasn't It?

- Elalne.
- Elalne.

Yes, she's very well, yes.
At home with the IJttle one.

Well, congratulations. A nlpper.
How old?

Well, It's just last AprlL
nearly a year now.

I told you a chlld would focus her.

I really have to get ready.
It's good to see you agaln.

- You, too.
- My love to all the family.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

What ls the sense most closely llnked
to memory?

Take your time.

Boy, this question really stlnks,
doesn't It?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Gets fight up my nose.

Slght.

Have another go, slr.
Have four more goes If you llke.

- Smell.
- SmelL that's the onel

You've won yourself £2.

You're sweating a Uttle bit.
I could get a mop In here.

You're okay? You want to go for £4?

Your £4 question Is this.

And I want you to glve me the answer
In weeks If you'd be so klnd.

What ls the average
human gestatlon perlod?

That's the...

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

Forty.

Forty weeks.

You are qulte rlght.
That ls the correct answer.

Blg hand, ladles and gentlemen,
for George Potts from Lowestoft.

YATES: well, thank you
very much for your tlme.

MAN: That's a“ fight.

YATES: I could send you some outUnes.
MAN: Thanks.

YATES: Okay, yes. Bye, then.

Ah, Yates.

(PANTING)

I forgot to ask, was It a boy or a glrl?

- What's that?
- Your wife's, uh...

(STAMMERING) Dld you have
a son or a daughter?

We had a llttle glrL

- Congratulatlons.
- Paula.

Paulal

Sorry, gotta fly.

MAN: Tell the walling world
what w: have fur them.

My lord; Ladle;
and other IVJHOIHI Assistance holders...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

mtonlght the League
of Burmese Trombonlst

present a best-seller play enflfied...

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

The Terror of Bexhlll-on-Sea,

orThe Dreaded Batter-Pudding Hurler.

Who drove you home tonight? Gwen?

I wasn't aware
that you knew one anotherl

Oh, only from the telephone.

Nlce of you to glve out our number
llke that.

I belleve you also knew her slster.

Oh, Patl Lovely,
tremendously wonderfull Patl

(LAUGHING)

I don't know what It ls
about that family. I...

well, I'm not waltlng around
untll you discover

lrreslstlble charms
In thelr mother, too.

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Swlmmlngl

Swlmmlngl

Are you gonna glve your papa a hug?

(ooueume)

Come on.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

ANNOUNCER: Her: h: Is, your

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Stop recording I

Mr Green.

Let me help you, slr.

- Wretchl
- Are you all rlght?

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Frl end s.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you.
Thank you, ladles and gentlemen.

Thank you tremendously for Emmle Ogle,

llterally bendlng over backwards
to please you.

Mrs Cam

Mrs Carr, the pond's not full of waterl

All rlght, all rlght, I'm comlngl

You're the Mlnlstry of works,
you're not dolng your job properly.

I'll get somebody else.

- A bit late In the day for that now.
- Cheeky.

(I'LL WALK WIN-I MD PLAYING)

Good evening.
Welcome In Stars on Sunday.

If you've ever loved anyone,

and there could be few among u:
who've never loved somebody...

Good God, what Is that man
dolng on my television?

It's not a man. He's a blshop.

Jess Yates a blshop?
He's no more a man of the cloth than...

Please.

I knew he'd do anything to get back
In the buslness, but really...

I happen to llke hlm.

You don't have a crush on hlm,
by any chance, do you, Mrs Carr?

Don't be blasphemous.

...love stands above all other virtues.

I'm perfectly happy for them to vlslt
In the holidays.

(STAMMERING)

I just thlnk you should ask them
what they want to do flrst.

Claire, don't be unreasonable.

Maybe they won't want to come.

Well, I'll be worklng most of the tlme,
so I don't know what they'll get up to.

Claire? Clalrel

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Mr Green's resldence.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Mr Green...

Whoever It ls, Mrs Carr,
I don't wish to speak to them.

But It's Mr Yates, from the television.

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things Ms: and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all #

You know what I'd do If I were you,

with those presenters of yours,
the totty?

- I'd dress them all In plnk wigs.
- Plnk wigs?

That way you could screw them,

get rld of them
after a couple of months,

the audlence would never know.

Clearly, I have more respect for my
fellow professionals than you do, jess.

I don't even get to flJrt with my lot.

(Iholrboys and nuns,
the whole bloody lot of them.

(ooueume)

You a“ fight'!?

Engllsh winters.

(ooueume)

Hows the wife?

(WHEEING AND LAUGHING)

Elaine?

Or Heller as she llkes to call herself

slnce she started wrltlng
those dlrty, bloody books of hers.

Never qulte became the actress
she thought she was.

It's not easy Uvlng with someone
who's permanently disappointed.

- Yeah, we've been apart for a whlle now.
- Separatlon ls hard.

I still wake up every mornlng
and expect to see

- Clalre on the next pillow.
- Mmm.

You getting divorced?

I wouldn't even consider It.

Stops the glrlfrlends getting Ideas.

The press would never bloody
leave you alone.

I've always belleved that
In our fortunate posltlons, jess,

we have a responslblllty to present
a good, posltlve, moral Image.

There's things the publlc
never needs to know about us,

- If you get my drlft.
- Hear, bloody hear.

(ooueume)

You had a daughter.
Paula, If I remember.

Yeah, she's going on 13 now.
She's brlght.

They've already moved her forward
to the O-level class.

I can't lmaglne where she gets
her lntelUgence from.

Very funny, Green.

No, no, no, she ls a smashlng glrL
Chlp off the old block.

You see much of her?

Her mother's got It Into her head
they should move to Majorca.

She thlnks the cllmate would be good
for Paula's health.

Yeah, she, uh...
She suffers from her chest.

Well, we were beglnnlng to thlnk you two
had dlsappeared round the U-bend.

Would you llke another drlnk, sweetie?

- I'd love one. Thank you.
- Okay.

(PLAYING STEEL DRUMS)

Mmm, that's tremendousl
Yes, that's wonderfuL

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Would you be so klnd as just to walt one
second, please, If you wouldn't mlnd?

(ooueume)

You do know he's black?

Black people have televisions,
don't they?

Well, uh, yes...

African, Caribbean, Paklstanl,
Indlan, Chinese...

I look out of my window every day
and I see them alL

so why shouldn't I look at my televlslon
and get that same picture?

All I want to do ls make televlslon
that reflects reallty.

Reality television?

You're on, thank you. Terrlflc.
Thank you very much Indeed.

I Tln bands are the future.
Outside, thank you.

Fancy her?

Excuse me?

- I mean, star potentlaL She got It?
- I don't belleve we've met, slr, I...

Noel Botham, News of the World.

Ah, I trust you're here to do a story
about the amazlng talent

that exists the length and breadth
of this wonderful Island of ours.

Of course.

Perhaps a IJttle slde plece on all the
female contestants you've been screwing.

My dear fellow, there's not one ounce
of truth to that rumour,

but please do prlnt It.

I will, of course, sue the llvlng hell
out of you and your rag.

And win.

(DANG OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you very much Indeed.

Mlss Katrlna Dlcks,
ladles and gentlemen,

performing the Dance of the Sugar Plum
Fairy from The Nutwaczker sulte.

Now, remember, folks, It ls your vote
that can send this young lady forward,

not only to next week's show,
but to fame and fortune

In this strange old buslness of ours
called show buslness.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank youl Thank you tremendously,
ladles and gentlemen,

and welcome to our brand new show
The Sky's the Limit

where contestants get the chance to wln
the blggest prlze In televlslon hlstory.

A fully pald hoUday to some of
the most exotic locations

In the world, ladles and gentlemen,
but flrst...

No, the flgures are good,
no one's suggesting they're not.

We just want this to be
as blg as 0p Knanfs, as fun as DWW.

- DY what?
- Doubl: Your Money.

The world ls a rapidly changing place.
Flve...

Slrl If you want a conversation with me,

will you have the good grace
to stand still for a moment?

Klndly take your hands
out of your pockets.

Five years ago, it was impossible
to conceive that ordinary working people

could fly around the world.
Today, they can.

Television should reflect that.

Look, we don't have a problem
with the concept, Hughle.

We're just talklng a few mlnor changes
for the next serles,

a sllght rethlnk
on the production front,

a new producer, a new creative Input.

Nothlng's deflnlte, but I would llke
to run a few names past you.

Here you are, mate.

(LAUGHING)

- What have you got around your legs?
- What, hmm?

- Oh, flares.
- You look llke a clrcus performer.

Thls ls what people
are wearing nowadays. Green.

You've got to get with the tlmes.

Um, I have no change. would you mlnd...

Oh, for fuck's sake, man.

Jlqhty pence' please
'Hmm? I

- Elghty pence.
- Thank you, slr.

Thank you.

Idea number 1...

You step out of It In a full space sult,
do a zero-gravity walk,

turn to the audlence
and begln your openlng plece.

With or without the helmet?

Only I'm not entlrely sure they'll be
able to hear me all the way up In Leeds.

Oh, no, we can work on the details.

I never had much tlme
for cheap stage props myself.

They take the attentlon away
from what ls Important.

Ah, and what's that?

The contestants.
You may not have notlced them.

They're the ones that get up on stage
with me and answer questlons.

I'm not proposing we get rld of them.

- Good.
- Not just yet anyway.

Got some more Ideas for you.

Idea number 2...

A Caribbean fleld...

The bosses love hlm.
Reckon he's got the golden touch.

Well, you mark my words, jess Yates
will make a plg's ear out of this show,

and everybody will know
who was responslble.

Mu they?

Would It klll you to take on
one or two of hls Ideas?

I mean, he ls the producer.

Do you thlnk he knows more
about the televlslon Industry than I do?

Of course he doesn't,

but It's a new show,
a different audlence.

I'm just saying,
maybe It Isn't helping matters

that you hold a grudge agalnst hlm.

I don't hold a grudge agalnst hlml
Why would I?

What do you lmaglne jess Yates has
that I haven't?

Run-through In 10 minutes.

Sure thlng, boss.

My dears, I shall talk to hlm.
I promise you.

- Now, please don't upset yourselves.
- Thank you.

Why are my hostesses under
the lmpresslon that they've been flred?

They haven't been flred.
They simply haven't been re-employed.

Let me Introduce you to Cheryl. and...

- Anlta.
- YATES: Anlta.

So, what really happened
between you two?

Hmm, same that happens
with every marrlage.

It became dull.

So, no lnterestlng scandals or
perverslons that I should be aware of?

Is that why you brought me here?
To talk about jess?

Good God, no.

Be reassured, my good lady,
you're here for nothlng other

than sex.

All rlght, am I too hlgh or too loaf!

Ooh, yeahl The eagle has landed.

Is he a good father?

Good enough.

And your daughter, Paula,
does she love hlm?

Could we talk about this later?

(GRUNTING)

Yes.

(MUFFERING)

Come on. Come onl

well, she's got an attltude,
but she's smart.

- Fourteen?
-just.

Llnda was the same at that age.

The thlng with daughters Is that you
start out wanting to protect them,

and then you end up
reallslng that you can't.

Dldn't thlnk you were that close
to your children.

When they're young,
they don't Interest me,

when they're old, they don't need me.

Isn't that just a convenient way
never to be Involved?

Well, my parentlng skllls
leave a lot to be deslred.

But maybe It's tlme I made up for that,
Mrs Yates.

Thornton.

Wales was a long tlme ago.

Fifteen years.

Don't be afrald to smlle, my dear.

Oh, you have a lovely smlle.
Hello, teethl

Where have you been hldlng?

Ah, Green, you're late.
Where have you been?

- Screwlng your wife, Yates.
- Where did you get that tle?

Ah, from my wardrobe.

That's not the one I plcked out for you.

- W=u, this tle goes with this sult.
- Not today It doesn't. Uh, you, youl

Go to Mr Green's dresslng room
and get the blue tle.

I've been chooslng my own clothes
slnce I was a chlld,

and I do not lntend to stop now.

Don't make such a blg fuss
over nothlng, Green. It's just a tle.

If It's just a tle, what do you care
which one I hang around my neck?

Because It's my job to brlng
some sex appeal to...

Then dress me In a bathlng sult and
stand me with the rest of the dolUes.

It's the klnd of tle
a 50-year-old would wear.

Good, then It should take
at least three years off my agel

- Come here.
- You lay another hand on me,

and I'll put you on your back,
you son of a bitch.

We've delayed recording
because of a tle?

It's not just because of a tle.
It's about prlnclples.

I was brought on this show
to make changes.

Yet whatever I suggest,
he refuses to do.

Gentlemen, I thlnk this ls
a classlc example

of maklng a mountaln out of a molehllL

and this tle, that tle,
really makes no difference to me.

I would just llke to be shown
the courtesy of belng asked

In a pollte manner.

YATES: HUN

Please will you wear the tle
I plcked out for you?

Of course I will.

Thank you.
Now, can we all go back to work?

You can be an awkward bugger
when you want to be, Green.

Be under no llluslon, Yates,

you only got this job
because I felt sorry for you.

- You never hlred me.
- I never objected to you belng hlred.

In this business, In my posltlon,
that amounts to the same thlng.

But you're such a dumb sh“, Yates,

you probably never stopped
to thlnk about that.

Sequence to openlng tltles, 20.

Fifteen second s. Flfteen.

And Into opening tltles In ten...

Get as close on hls ugly, fucklng face
as you can.

- Zoom In, camera 1.
- Elght, seven...

wlu someone tell Mr Green
he's still got make-up collar on?

...three, two, one, zero.

Cutting to Hughle In three, two, one...

(INAUDIBLE)

Son of a fucklng bitch.
That son of a fucklng bltchl

Fuck you, Greenl Fuck youl

You're flnlshed, you fucklng shltel

Fuck you, Greet“ Fuck you, you bastarth

Fuck you, Greet“ You...

The Brltlsh pubUc don't want
sex on thelr televisions.

They're settling down to watch with
their children, their grandparents.

They don't want to be embarrassed
by endless Images of great, blg bosoms.

That man should not be Involved
In show business.

He's nothlng more than a...
well, he's... He's a pornographer.

Not the sort of behaviour you'd expect
from a TV blshop.

Jess Yates ls as God-fearing
as my llttle plnk arsehole.

The only reason
he's on that stirs m Sundaythlng

ls because he can play the stupld organ.

Well, let me tell you, Hughle Green
ls not going to be hls monkey, no, slr.

So, he's not qulte the family man
he makes out?

I could tell you storles
about the Yates family.

Maybe I will one day, but

not today.

What about those blrds he brought In,
the hostesses?

Has he gotten close to any of them?

Now, Mr Botham, both you and I know
that a story llke that could

flnlsh a career.

Why, thank you, Mrs Carr.

Dld you boll the egg
for exactly four mlnutes?

Scandalous what they're saying
about that poor man.

Newspapers only report the facts,
Mrs Carr.

What about hls family?

Have a good show.

- Good shawl
- Thanks, Hughlel

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Sorry.

Have a good...

Nervous?

You, bucket and mop now.
Get someone from wardrobe down here.

Yes, Hughle.

Plssed my pants a few tlmes myself
when I was young.

Sh“ NYSE“ once, too.

walked out on stage with It
hammocked In my underwear.

When was that?

Montreal, London, doesn't matter.

Haven't been nervous In a long tlme.

I don't know whether that's
a good or a bad thlng.

Sometlmes nerves are the only things
that get you through,

If the ounaslon's blg enough,
If you've got a lot rldlng on It.

Never forget that feellng.

Not wanting to go out there.

# Mama, he's maklng eyes at me

# Mama, he's awfully nlce to me

# Mama, he's almost breaking my heart

# He's beslde me

# Tell me, Mama,
let my conscience gulde me #

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Mama...

(PANTING)

Get outl

Papa?

Just go back to bed, son.

# Mama, he's klsslng me #

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Lena Zavaronl, folks, from
the beautiful, small Island of Bute,

way up there In bonny Scotland.

What a star this young glrl
ls set to become.

And It's all because of you

and your votes, ladles and gentlemen.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Whatever you want from me, I...
I don't have It.

Not even an autograph?

I want to change everything
and start over,

jack It all In
and sall away on 51.9110: with you.

- I hate boats.
- Okay, I'll sell the damn thlng,

and we'll fly,
just as long as you're with me.

I must be barmy even conslderlng It.

Well, I know It won't work unless...
I change.

We'll both have to change.

No, just me. The difference ls
I want you back the way you were.

Not If you'd really known me,
you wouldn't.

- We don't have to talk about this.
-what If I want to?

What If I want to get It all
off my chest?

Conflde In a frlend.
Isn't that what ladles do?

Oh, dear Hughle, so predictable.

A woman's supposed to be dlrty,
but never talk or act dlrty.

Isn't that the rule?

Or ls It that you can't bear to thlnk
of me with another man?

Because I've got
my own share of secrets.

No, please, we don't
have to go over this.

- Frlends of yours...
- Stop, God damnl

For every tlme you betrayed me,
I betrayed you 100 tlmes over.

You thmk you've got secrets'!
1 “fight have a “wear-oh! daughtefl

What?

Well, you can never be 100% certaln
elther way.

I'm...

(wnemue)

('an you...

('an you say with absolute certainty that

Christopher and Llnda are mlne?

Yes.

The chlld was an accident.
The woman meant nothlng to me.

Just another careless fuck In wales.

(GASPs)

But you chose to tell me?

Yes, but only to hurt youl

I don't want to hear about
your mistakes,

just as you don't want
to hear about mlne,

so can we just put It all...

(wnemue)

All that behlnd us and start agaln?

Please? dalre, please, hmm?

Dalre, please. Please.

One week only, we broadcast
from a nuclear submarlne base.

Now, I've talked to the crew,

and, technically, there ls nothlng
stopplng us from dolng It.

Except that this ls a talent show.

Wrong, It ls a talent show
about the people of Great Brltaln,

and for the people of Great Brltaln.

What good are we dolng If we don't,
In some small way,

reflect the true cllmate
that we are llvlng In?

New Faces don't see any need to vlslt
submarlne bases or army camps.

That's the problem,
If you don't mlnd me saying so, slr.

With a pale lmltatlon,
It can't look forward.

Hughle, this ls Insane.

That ls exactly the reaction I was
expecting from a left-wing brooml

I thlnk If your lawyers were to check
my latest contract,

you will flnd that I am permitted
to shoot one eplsode per serles

from an outside location.

From an outslde looatlonl
From an outslde location, Mr Isaacsl

Thls onel

GREEN: Fucklng arseholel

I work for shltsl

Why don't you brlng her
down to London sometime?

- Who?
- Paula.

- I'd llke to meet her.
-why_;

She sounds llke a smashlng glrL
I thlnk we may have a lot In common.

- You are aware that Paula hates you?
- Me?

She doesn't even know me, fight'!?

- She knows what you did to jess.
- Oh, yes.

To her, you're the enemy.
You're nothlng but a shlt.

What?

Are you flnlshed?

Maybe I could make It up to her somehow.

Hmm?

Yes, that's flne.

Yes, I'll ask Mr Reed to call you
when he comes In.

Thank you. Bye.

- Mr Green, are you on the wrong floor?
- I hope not, my dear.

I'd llke to see the gentleman In charge
of this department, If I may.

Mr Reed's offlce ls...

Don't you worry your IJttle self.
I can flnd hlm from here.

Do they blte?

No, puppets.

Oh, cute.

Maybe you'll let me stroke them
on my way out.

(GREEN CHUCKLING)

She's an lntel.l.lgent glrL
super-Intelligent,

and you can take my word for It,
she'll be a wonderful asset

to your hard-working team
here In children's televlslon.

Does she have any experience?

She has something more valuable
than that.

She has lnstlnct.

BeUeve me, slr, In my nationwide search
for talent, I've rarely encountered

a young lady with such a brlght future.

Yates?

Yes, I... Talent rlses from
the murklest swamps and quagmlres.

She flnlshes her A-levels next year.

I'm sure she'd appreclate
a telephone call. Thank you.

Yes, thank you, Mr Green,
but we already have her detalls on flle.

- Excuse me?
- Yes, her father recommended her.

Thank you.

Thank you for your time.

Before I leave you, may I ask you this?

In your farewell to 1976,

did you see Brltaln old and worn,
on the brlnk of ruln,

bankrupt In all but herltage and hope?

A nation that Churchill offered only
blood and tail, tears- and sweat.

Have we really lost
what he once Inspired In us?

The dignity of work,
the urge to salvage honour,

The Ml! to Mn.

Do we need loans for these?

Folks, let us take, yes, take,

not borrow this year of 1977.

Let It be our year to UR up our heads
and resolve that this time nut year,

we can say we did It,

and it cost nothing
but determination, hard work,

freedom from strike; befler management

and ham us all, guts.

Lest Mthout (has: virtues...

-we need a meeting.
-...we lose...

- I want that man off my channeL
-...our freedom

forever.

In conclusion, I thank the artists,

you, the viewers,
for your support, your votes.

For myself, well, It's been a pleasure.

May I say there's no truth
to that rumour that I'm retlrlng.

Bless you all.

Good nlght.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Bingo?

Televised blngo,
you know, llke a lottery?

Kt doesn't sound very ext-mug.

well, the beauty of It Is that
people can play It at home.

You know, we sell cards
through the post office,

a percentage of the money ralsed
goes to charlty.

There's a company In Sunderland
that can produce 72 mllUon blngo cards

every 24 hours.

We put something back
Into Brltlsh Industry.

Okiy. forget blngo.

- Boat flshlng.
- Boat flshlng?

Yeah, angllng ls one of the most popular
sports In this country.

We present a serles of shows from boats
around the entlre coast,

coastal villages competlng
agalnst one another

to see who can land the biggest catch.

- And they just flsh?
- They don't have to just flsh.

They can answer questions as well.

- Questlons on what?
- On anything.

And they Mn a pflze
for the Nggest fish.

- You know, a holiday somewhere.
- Where?

Wherever It ls the blggest fucklng flsh
In the world llvel

All rlght, there's no need to shout.
I'm just taklng an Interest.

You'd better dress.

It's gettlng late.

Am I ever going to be allowed
to stay the nlght, do you thlnk?

Mrs ('arr will be here at 8:00 am sharp.

Fight.

So I have to leave so that
we don't offend a IJttle old lady.

I llked your Ideas.

It's very klnd of you to say so,
my dear,

but unfortunately, you're not
the Director General of the BBC.

('An I express just one crltlclsm?

You can express as many as you “ha.

Whether or not I llsten
ls entirely at my dlscretlon.

It doesn't sound llke the sort of things
they make on televlslon at the moment.

And tell me, Mrs Laverlck, you appear
to be the expert on the subject,

exactly what do they make on televlslon
at the moment?

Don't you ever watch It?

Okay.

This 1.5' BBC 7.

This 1.5' BBC 2.

Uh...

WOMAN ON TELEVISION: Hey!

(SIGHING) When I started In this
business, there was only one channeL

(LAUGHING)

Uh, hello, and welcome toThe Tube.

Good God...

MALE ANNOUNCER:
---my haircut for Instance.

Also, m: first fining
we're gonna see ls Klng.

They're number four
In the dnarl: this week,

I'm Informed by a very reliable source,

and apparenfly,
they got there entirely because

- Belng onThe Tube'!
- Yeah, so we're told.

So, off MU: another bracing tune...

Mlss Heller Toren. H-E-L-L-E-R.

Formerly known as Mlss...
As Mrs Elalne Yates.

Yeah, before that, God knows.
Elalne Smlth or something.

Thorntonl Thorntonl

well, I...

I understand.
Is there nobody there who can help me?

Well, thank you. Thank you...
Thank you, all the same.

For the next five months, you're
going to be able so see live music;

Interviews, my stomad!
getting bigger week by week.

(VACUUM CLEANER STARTS)

Mrs Carr?

Mrs Carr?

Mrs Cam

Do you mlnd, woman?
I'm trylng to watch television.

What do you want to watch
that rubblsh for?

It may well be rubblsh,

but this ls what the young people
of Great Brltaln are watching.

Thls ls the 1980s, Mrs Carr.

Try and keep up with the rest of us,
won't you?

(ooueume)

Thank you.

JP Mat': the score?

JP Mat do w: do?

#whatdowegetyouall

# when they shoot you dovm?

# Bring you to your knees

d!' or when you hit the ground? d!'

R's 12 noon In London,

7:00 am In Philadelphia,

and around the world,
It's time for Live Aid!

Hello, Mrs Carr. How are you?

He's In one of hls moods.

It ls the most Incredible day out there.
You wouldn't belleve It.

I thought we could go for a plcnlc.

(ROGTW ALL OVER THE PIDRLD PLAYING)

We know It's happening.

We have U»: wealth
and the means to stop It,

but we're not doing It

So to me, It really ls MIfiJI murder.

PRESENTER: Let's go through MU: the...

I think we're probably going to get
the address first, aren't we?

BOB GELDOF: No, In': fun? the address
Fun? the...

Dld he just say
what I thlnk he just sald?

- He certainly did.
- It's the mlddle of the afternoonl

You can't use the F-word on televlslon
at this tlme of day.

You shouldn't be uslng It
at any tlme of dayl

- Hughle, calm down.
- I will not calm down.

Who the hell does this scruffy urchln
thlnk he ls?

He's not a televlslon presenter.
He's a muslclan.

He's a bloody awful one, at that,
let me tell you.

- He's dolng It for charlty.
- I don't care what hls reasons are.

- People are starvlngl
- They were starving before he showed up,

and they'll be starving
long after he's gone,

and If that fucklng Irlshman
can't control hls Paddy mouth,

he shouldn't be In front of the camera.

There are children watching.
He's a father hlmself.

He should know better.

What the hell
must she have been thlnklng?

Who?

And they wonder why the natlon
ls going down the tollet.

Mmers thmkmg they can
huh! the country to ransom

I can't even buy myself a slot
on televlslon,

and he's on the set
more than I ever was,

a long-haired Paddy who can't even
drag a razor across hls face,

swearing at me down my televlslonl

(ooueume)

The F-word ls used qulte commonly
on televlslon these days.

- People use It to punctuate.
- Punctuate?

Yes, you know what I mean.

To add emotlon and passlon
to whatever It ls they're saying.

It's not llke It was In your day.

Oh, well, If only I could have
punctuated llke they do now.

How much better my shows
would have beenl

If this ls what you have to do
to be on televlslon these days,

I don't want any part of It.

I'll retlre. Yes...

“flak-Q?

Oh, does this mean we're going out
after all?

(PHONE RINGING)

(ooueume)

(wnemue)

Papa. Is that you?

Papa?

- It's not a good Idea.
- I have a rlght to be there.

No, you don't.

Who the hell do you thlnk
you are talklng to?

A pathetic Uttle grey-haired old man
who can barely get out of hls seat.

Why you M“: sh“...

(wnemue)

I rest my ease.

I suppose you'll both be In
for a tldy IJttle lnherltance.

Takes pressure off me to hurry up
and dle to make you happy.

Your children
have just lost thelr mother,

and that's the best you can do
to console us?

It was a joke.

- We should get going.
- I'm coming, too.

Papa...

It was her request
that you not be there.

I don't belleve she sald that.

We didn't want to tell you,
but you left us no choice.

LINDA: I'm sorry, Papa.

Waltl God... just waltl

(noon sums)

Sh“. WEN

Stopl

Hllghle?

Look at youl

Come on back In.

You slt here for a whlle, hmm?

And I'll flx you a glass of water.

And get that jacket off.
It's 90 degrees In here.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get It.

Sorry, no whores today.

What the hell do you thlnk
you're dolng, you sllly woman?

What's going on out there?

I came as soon as I heard.

You poor love.

- What's she dolng here?
- Dellverlng my condolences.

Mlhy? What are you dolng here?
Dld you hear a wallet opening?

(CHUCKLING)

Hughle Invited me In.

I didn't want to thlnk of hlm
belng alone at such a traumatlc tlme.

Well, he has company now,
so you can leave.

Actually, I thlnk Hughle would prefer It
If you were to leave.

You can find your own way out.

just follow the trall of stale alcohol
you brought with you.

Are you going to let her
talk to me llke that?

Please, please, this behaviour
ls unbecoming of both of you.

Elther she leaves, or I leave.

Likewise.

(SIGHING)

What can I say?

The only people I want the company of
at this moment are my children,

but as you can see,

they're not here.

So, with respect, ladles,
I don't thlnk I'm strong enough

to deal with the awkward sltuatlon
that we currently flnd ourselves In.

Maybe It would be for the best
If you were both to...

Lucky for her she ended up
with her mother's looks.

She ls every journalist's dream.

Any story you can thlnk of,
no matter how blzarre or ludicrous,

you stlck her name In It,
everyone belleves It.

But I thlnk she's
a very talented presenter.

- With a decent set of knockers.
- Please, Mr Botham, let's not be crass.

Every week it's something different,
parties, affairs, drugs.

Thls ls borlng.

If she was a man,
we'd be pattlng her on the back.

Oh, come on, Hughle,
she's nothlng but a troublemaker,

“he her dad was.

Who's she maklng trouble for,
other than herself?

Her children, for one.

No, no, no. Her children and her career
are totally separate things.

I mean, so what If she's had affalrs?

I mean, maybe she hasn't found
true happiness with one person.

Though, by God,
I pray that one day she does.

That woman ls gullty of nothlng
that I am not gullty of myself.

But the difference ls, In your day,
you never talked about It to the press.

Maybe I should have.

Maybe If I'd have been more honest
with the general publlc, I don't know,

maybe they'd have warmed to me
more than they... They did.

The publlc loved you, Hughle.

No, Mr Botham,
I don't belleve they ever did.

If anyone had prlnted
the truth about you, Green,

then you never would have had a career.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Today, If you can't create scandal,
you're no good.

Well, thank you, Mr Botham,
for lllustratlng my polnt.

What polnt was that?

Mlss Yates ls a star
because she can play the game,

not the game of 20, 30 years ago,
but the game of today.

And you know why she can do that?

Because she's smarter
than all these pleces of...

All publlclty. good public"!-

when Idle,
I hope the press have a fleld day.

Let It all come out.
I don't care any more.

I trust, Mr Botham, that I can, uh...

well, that you'll be good enough
to help me with that matter.

I'll certainly see
what I can do, Hughle.

Who knows, maybe I'll be able
to glve Mlss Yates

a run for her money, eh?

PAULA YATES: This 1.5' It

At long last,
a first onThe Hg Breakfast.

We have a guest

0h, sud) a fantasflc guest,
I can't even describe It to you,

but you'll see In a second.

Boy, this Is a guest
who has tackle-troubling trousers.

This is a guest that has everything
that a rack star needs to have.

And for the first time, this ls a guest

that I want to have my leg over.

And It is the fantastically
talented Michael Hutzzherlce.

Mnat are you, a big sex symbol
or something? "HI."

Nam Mldiael, you've got your...

Smoking, drlnklng,
amphetamines, stress...

All these things maketh the man.

Have you thought any more
about the chemotherapy?

Maybe you should just
cut the damn thlng out.

Mrs ('arr keeps the sclssors
In the kltchen.

(CHUCKLING)

('an we qult the jokes
and talk serlously for a moment?

The tumour ls operable.

But my concern Is that you may not
survive an anaesthetlc.

I would llke to admlt you.

Last tlme I was In hospltal was 1965.

Car accident, almost goddamn killed me.

They cut a tube Into my throat.
What do you call that?

Tracheotomy. Tracheotomy.

£8 question.

Uncomfortable thlng, I can tell you.

There was a nurse, Maggie her name was.

She had the most Incredible bust
I've ever seen.

Mr Green, ls there anyone
I could contact on your behalf?

Friends?

Family?

REPORTER: Over here, Mr Green.
Thank you, slr. One more If you please.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

- Have a good evening.
- Have you done enough?

- Yes, thank you, slr.
- Are you sure?

Thank you so much.

Appreciate that.

Excuse me.

MAN 1: Mlss Yatesl
MAN 2: Paulal

(EXCITED CHATFERING)

Paula?

Paula?

ANNOUNGR: The entertainer Hughie Green,
who hosted two of television's

most popular shows of U»: '60s and '70s,
has died at the age of 77

after a long baifle MU: cancer.

Th: hast ofopportunlty Knocks
and Double Your Money

began his career fr: the 7.930s
as a child star,

presenting the children '5' variety show
Hughle's Gang.

Before moving to Gnada, Mere he sewed
In the Royal Gnadlan Alr Force...