Hudson River Blues (1997) - full transcript

(serene music)

- Oh God, get me through this weekend,

and I'll give, a day's
pay to the poor orphans.

(pleasant music)

(telephone buzzing)

- [Man] Jeffrey Spencer.

- Sweety.
- Hi.

- [Woman] I have great news.

They're flying me in on Thursday

for the interview, first class.

- [Jeffrey] A power commuter, huh?



- [Woman] Yes, we are
going to take Manhattan.

- [Jeffrey] We are gonna
take over the world!

(woman chuckling)
So we're gonna have

a three-day weekend!

- Yeah.
- Do you have the stamina?

- [Woman] You'll see (chuckles).

So do you think marriage will
put a dent in our sex life?

- [Jeffrey] I sure hope so,

(woman chuckles)
then maybe I can get some work

done, which is what I have to do now.

- [Woman] So hang up, it's your turn.

- [Jeffrey] Nu-uh, it's your turn.

- [Woman] All right, together.

- [Both] One, two,



- [Jeffrey] Two and a half...
(woman chuckling)

Two and three-quarters...

- [Woman] (sighs) Oh Jeff I love you!

(pleasant music)

Christmas is too hectic, what
about a Thanksgiving wedding?

- [Jeffrey] Great!

Wait, can't, I have to be in Hong Kong for

a two-week shoot, you wanna come?

- [Woman] Can't, I'm in
a law school, remember?

- [Jeffrey] How much longer?

Soon you'll be here.

- [Woman] I can't wait.

(pleasant music)

(car horn honking)

(hectic music)

(beeping)

(beeping)

- Did you remember to pack
something nice for the party?

- Oh yeah.

Hey hey hey, what's this?

No computer, no cell phone.

- Oh well, no lucky shirt.

- Yes lucky shirt!
- Ah ah ah ah ah!

Yes computer (laughs)!
- No computer.

This is our getaway weekend.

Did you forget?
- Oh...

(lips smacking)
No.

Of course not.

(groaning)

(footsteps echoing)
But you know how it is

at my mothers.

- [Jeffrey] Yeah, it's great.

- For you maybe.

(sighs) Maybe I'll be sucked up

by the great family swamp.

(squealing)
(clattering)

- [Jeffrey] You all right?

- Yes.

Can we store some of this stuff at Mom's?

- Wow...
- How much of it can we

cram into the trunk?

- Uh...
(alarm beeping)

- Oh shit!

I'm gonna be late, um, do what you can.

Oh, don't forget Grandpa's presents!

- Oh what'd we get him?

- A clock radio, a cordless razor

and an electronic personal organizer.

- Just what every octogenarian needs.

(telephone beeping)
- Hey Laura, Ben's in.

- In where?
- Your office.

- Thanks Robin.

Good morning Ben.

- I wasted the whole night
looking up precedents

and the potential violations

in that shareholder's agreement.

Couldn't find a thing.

No, now Clifton is gonna grill me on this!

- That,
- I'm sure!

- is not the issue.
- What?

- It's about transfer restrictions.

- No it can't be that easy.
- Uh huh.

(keyboard clacking)

(computer beeping)

There are no transfer restrictions
in violation of the UCC.

Read it yourself, it's clear,
it's simple, it's the law.

Isn't that comforting?

(chattering)
(bell ringing)

- [Set Manager] Quiet on the set!

- Okay okay, it's ready, let's go.

- This is a rehearsal, and action!

(coughing)
- Sh!

(beeping)

- Cue the dog.
- Action, dog!

(dog barking)

(dog sneezing)

- (sighs) Christ almighty.

- Cut!
- Not another allergic dog.

Can you believe this?

Jerry?
(bell ringing)

What's wrong with this one?

- Wrong?

This stuff is poison.

- That's the point, it's
week killer, get it?

- Yeah well it's making my dog sick.

(snuffly barking)
- Getting a little

noisy around here.

(sneezy barking)

- [Woman] Where's lunch?

- Send in the backup dog.

- [Director] Call this set!

- Look I got to get out of here.

- Where you going?

- Well Stan I'll tell 'ya,

first it was flammable baby clothes,

then it was carcinogenic face powders.

- Jeff, they're clients,

big accounts.
- Now it's a lawn product

that kills pets?

- What do you want, a
location shoot, Fiji, Paris?

Some perfume commercial?

You could take your wife.

You could take the model!

- Oh man!

- Wha-wha-wha-what is it, do
you want a raise, is that it?

- No Stan I just want a product
that doesn't kill people.

(doors clattering)

- [Laura] We're going to my mothers.

- You're gonna jump-start the sex

at your mother's?
- Sh!

(chuckling)
- How long has it been?

- Six weeks now, if it
was any of your business!

- I thought you hadn't
been there in months!

Oh, you mean six weeks without sex!

God no wonder you're so tense.

By the way, Clifton called
a senior partners meeting,

by tonight you could be partner.

- That's why I'm so tense.

(sighing)

- [Man] Look who's here.

- (chuckles) Pay up!

Come on!
- Jordan was off last night.

- Yes he was, (mumbles), fools.

- Sure you don't want to
let it ride until next week?

- Absolutely not, and
you guys should never

bet against the home team.

- Good morning everyone.

Take your seats please.

Eric.

Eric, what's happening
with the Smithum matter?

- I'm meeting with Smithum
senior this afternoon

to discuss the restructuring
of their offshore entity.

- Senior?

Eric, I told you Smithum
junior, not Smithum senior.

- What junior?

I, I, I...

- Will you see me later please?

(clapping)
Now, we have a new client.

Important, very important,
but very demanding.

Who's up?

- Give it to Laura, Clifton,
she's good with women.

- You're assuming that
demanding means it's a woman?

Clifton I will take that case.

- Robin, get the rest
of Mr. Dhalberg's file,

- Yes sir.
- and give it to Laura.

I'm sure she'll want to
review it over the weekend.

Now we have a meeting
first thing Monday morning,

prepare for an October 10th court date.

- Don't we have something
else on October 10th sir?

- Well that may be, now you have this.

- Okay.

(unexpectedly perky music)

- Fucking banner.

- There was a young fellow name Arius,

whose approaches to
sex were quite various,

he'd screw anything from princess to king,

and the results were invariably hilarious.

("Proper Cup of Coffee"
by the Satin Dolls)

♫ It's the awfullest coffee
- Awfullest coffee

♫ In Persia
- in Persia

- Oh, what
♫ Oh, what I want

- I want
♫ Is a proper

♫ Cup of coffee
- cup of coffee

♫ Made from a
- Made from a

♫ Proper copper coffee pot
- proper copper coffee pot.

- [Man] Martha!

Martha!
- Grandpa.

Damn, I forgot to give him his medication.

- [Grandpa] Martha!

- She's in the wood's Jack!

- [Woman] Why do you do that?

- Well she is, just six feet under.

- That's so mean!

- Meaner than breaking the news

10 times a day that his wife died?

People have a right to their fantasies.

(telephone ringing)

Julia Hartley.

- Julia, darling.

- [Julia] Yago, are you
coming to Dad's party?

- I wouldn't miss it for
anything in the world.

Now listen, you're Microsoft commission is

for a statue at National,
not Manhattan headquarters.

- [Julia] That's even better,
ask for double the money.

- Why I thought I'd bring
the big Microsoft honcho

to the party, where I'll
put the squeeze on then.

- [Julia] You're a genius!

- See you tomorrow, ciao.

- Got me an incredible commission.

- That's great, Mom,
don't make my butt so big.

- I love a big butt.

Hush.
- When are they coming?

- Sometime between five and midnight,

you know your sisters.

They're worse than the cable people.

- This one's fast as
(telephone ringing)

lightning.
- Great!

- This one's slow.
(telephone ringing)

And this one,

is a little something I picked
up for your love weekend!

- Oh my god!

Put that away!
- Well call me crazy

but I don't think you have one of these.

What, no thank you for
saving my marriage Robin?

- This is a great place
to hide my computer.

Thank you Robin, for saving my career.

- [Woman] (grunts)
You're driving me crazy!

What's wrong with the song?

- It's no good Diane.
- All you do is criticize!

You son-of-a-bitch, get out of my life!

Oh this time it's really over!

- Really over huh?

What were the last 10 times, rehearsals?

- You see, I can't take that sarcasm!

- This is my thanks for
getting you a booking.

- Oh in Poughkeepsie for
Christ sake, in a diner!

- You know what, it's work!

Anyway it wasn't a diner,
they had table clothes.

(water splashing)

- Asshole!

- If you'd quit pissing away your talent,

and write serious songs, you
could get any gig you wanted.

- Ron, I'm sorry!

Go get a dry shirt.

You can't walk out all wet, you'll

get pneumonia.
- Watch me.

- Look, can't we do this on Monday?

I want you to come to
Grandpa's party with me!

Ron!
(door slamming)

♫ You know the reason

- Shit!
♫ That I know you just

♫ Can't live without me, is the way

(energetic music)
♫ Tomorrow ain't promised

(doorbell buzzing)
♫ Tomorrow ain't promised

♫ Oh tomorrow ain't promised

♫ Tomorrow ain't promised

♫ I said tomorrow ain't promised

♫ If you don't call it

♫ tonight
- Hi

I'm Bud.

Plumber?
♫ Oh wave your hands

♫ Hudson River you seem blue

♫ Ever since you turned brown

♫ Your fish need scuba
gear just to swim around

♫ Oh Hudson River

♫ I got the Hudson River blues

- That is great!
- Yeah, I really like it!

- Oh, it'll get better.

I wrote it for your benefit.

- You're writing songs
for my husband's benefit?

- [Diane] Yeah it's for the
Hudson River Trust fundraiser.

- Oh yeah.
- Now remember,

you're gonna be in network heaven.

(chuckling)

- Aw, when are you shaving that beard off?

- I think you look hot Jeff.

- Thank you Diane.

- What is the date of that again?

- [Jeff and Laura] It's October 9th.

(sighing)

- Oh god, no...

- Oh god, look at that smog.

- [Diane] Yuck it looks like pea soup.

(cheerful choir singing)
♫ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

♫ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

- I love the ketchup.

- [Laura] That's because
you're not from there.

♫ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-Ah

♫ Ah-ah-ah

♫ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

- I just want to drop these off.

- [Diane] Oh wait, I
want to say hi to Todd.

- Okay come on.
- You're just gonna slow

Jeff down!

Hurry up!
- This'll just take a minute!

- We're already late!

I hate being late.

- Oh lighten up Laura,

it's five o'clock on Friday afternoon,

the weekend has begun.

Jeff wait!

- Come on!
(Diane squealing)

- So has the partner's meeting.

- Todd!

(giggling)

- Hey hey hey!

- Tah-dah!
- Ah the invitations

for the benefit!

- Yeah what do you think,
I sprang for color?

It really pops, huh?

- Perfect, what do we owe you?

- Like I said it's my donation.

- Did you listen to my tape?

- Yeah, you're song is cute.

- Cute!
- Is that Ron on guitar?

The guy is amazing.

He's gonna play the benefit too, right?

- Call him and ask him.

- Uh oh.

Trouble in paradise?

- Oh please, she's got
a new guy in the car.

- What's he play?

(giggling)

- You've got to come to my grandfather's

birthday party tomorrow!

- I can't, I have house guests.

- So bring them.

- Listen, guys, I have news.

The Sierra Club has offered
me a really big job.

It's too good to pass up.

- [Diane] That's great!

- Oh no, no no no you
can't walk out on us now!

No the river's just getting clean again!

This is one of the most
glorious spots on the planet,

you can't just let 'em come
and muck it up all over again!

Gee Todd you know the river!

You know the players,
you know the wildlife!

- The fish need you!
(telephone ringing)

- They need someone, it
doesn't have to be me!

(telephone ringing)

(serene music)

- Oh no.

There they are.

(lethargic music)

- Time to eat Goliath!
(car horn honking)

- Oh, great house!

- Come on I'll show you
where I lost my virginity.

(shouting)

- Martha?

Martha!

- Grandpa it's Laura!

It's Laura!
- Oh oh oh!

- Happy birthday!
- Yeah, yeah thank you.

- Sorry but it bothers
me when he does that.

- Just go with it.

Hey Grandpa how you doing?

It's Jeff!
- Oh good, good!

- Good to see 'ya!
- Jeff, yeah.

- Ooh!

Grandpa?
- What?

- Will you carry this in for me?

- Oh sure.
- Thank you.

- What's that thing made of, chain-mail?

Can't wait!

Hey!
- Jeff!

- Teddy my man!

- Hi!
- How was your dad's wedding?

- Sucked big time.

Even made me dance.

- Uh, that does suck.

- Yeah, but I-I-I-I got
this great ecosystem

I want to show you!

- Oh yeah, where is it?

- Down by the river!

- Well I think we better take a look.

Hey Grandpa, can we take Winnie for a run?

- Oh yeah!

Go on Winnie!

- [Jeff] Come on girl!

Hey, slow down!

(dog barking)

- Welcome, welcome!

- [Laura] Hi Mom!

- How is my almost partner?

- Please, I'm not the
only one in the running.

- Aw you'll get it.

- Mom, don't start!

- Mom!

(giggling)
- Mmm!

My baby!

What's this one's name?

- Mom, meet Bud.

- How do you do Bud?

- Hi!
- Lesley!

- Hello stranger!

- [Laura] Oh it's good to see you.

- [Diane] I hope you like
him, he's a present for you.

- Oh what do I do with him?

- He's a plumber, Mom.

(Bud chuckling)
- Ah.

I'll put the cot in Theodore's room.

- Who is she kidding?

- Actually this one's a hunk.

- Don't touch it, 'cause otherwise

the mother won't come back.

- Okay.

Where do you suppose he
fell from, out of there?

- Yeah.

- God it's so beautiful here.

- [Lesley] They sell laptops
at Victoria's Secret?

- Oh uh, Teddy's not gonna
tell Jeff I'm opening

a branch office in his room is he?

- Teddy's good at keeping secrets.

- Good.

Teddy's a terrific kid Les.

- Yeah, I'm worried about him.

He just came back from

visiting his father
- I'm indisposed,

- and he's been acting weird.
- you know what to do.

(voicemail beeping)
- Robin, did I make partner?

Where are you, um, I want
to know what happened

at the meeting, call me a.s.a.p..

- [Lesley] I take it the heat is on.

- Ugh, let's not talk about it.

If you're having problems with Teddy

why don't you just send
him to us one weekend?

- I got a better idea.

How about you come up and take care

of Teddy and Grandpa and I
go there for the weekend?

- It's a deal!
(chuckling)

You burnt?
- You know I run this

whole operation with Mom
as artist in residence.

(bell ringing)
Oh, that's the meat loaf.

(laughing)

- What a bunch of mixed up kids.

- [Teddy] Yeah.

- Hey!

- Hey what are you guys doing in my room?

- Oh, I'm leaving, I'm leaving!

(laughing)
Goodbye!

- [Laura] I'll be down in a minute Les.

- [Lesley] Okay.

- What's this?

- Um,

force of habit?

- What's this?

- Um, Jeff I'm sorry.

Clifton dumped a new client
on me at the last minute.

What was I supposed to do?

- You could have said no!

- I'm, did, did I do something wrong?

- No Teddy.

- Yum, I'm starving.

(chattering)

- May I have my phone?

I'm expecting a call from Robin.

- Or Clifton, or Ben.

- Thank you.

- Okay gang, Mom wants
to change the plates.

- (sighs) Why?
- We've already started.

- I know, don't put back.

- (laughs) Oh my god,
this is so unnecessary.

(clattering)
- Why is every minute

chaos in this house?

Thank you.

- Thank you honey.
- Go to bed!

- Humph, what?

I have to take the meat loaf out.

- It's all taken care of Drena.

- Goodnight Drena!
- Goodnight Drena!

- [Drena] Goodnight everybody!

- This is an event!

It may be our last family dinner here.

I've put the house on the market.

- What?

Without consulting us?

- How could you Mom, this is our home?

- I didn't think anybody would care!

Jeff's the only one who's ever here.

- Uh, what am I, chopped liver?

- I slept with the Grand Duke of Dart,

beef Wellington, beans, a prune tart.

- What about Grandpa?

- He goes with the house.

- Mom!

- His grumblings abdominal,

- He's coming with me.

- Were simply abominable,

till finally he passed a big--

- Dad, please!

(flatulating loudly)
(laughing)

I thought everybody would
be happy, change is good!

Otherwise you get in ruts.

- I agree.

But you haven't told us Julia,

where are you planning to move?

- Soho.

- [All] Soho?

- You'll be surrounded by
artists, I think that's great!

- No it's not that simple Jeff!

Our lives will be uprooted!

- Yeah but Julia should have the freedom

to go where she wants, don't you think?

- I don't believe you!

You used to always take my side.

- Look, Grandpa.

I almost forgot.

Happy birthday.

- [Julia] I got him the same thing.

- Bubble wrap.
- Me too!

- He's becoming one of them.

(bubble wrap popping)

- [Lesley] Mm, this pie is great.

I really pigged out.

(chuckling)
Someone stop me.

I shouldn't be doing this.

- Lesley did you get a Miracle Bra?

- No, a miracle baby.

- A miracle baby what do you mean?

- I'm pregnant Laura!

- Oh my god!

(laughing)
Oh my, on purpose?

- Uh well, uh, Teddy knows
and Mom knows, that's it.

- So who's the father?

- Mm, it's a long story.

- I got time!

Lesley, get back in here!

(laughing)

- Okay, someone I know, very well,

and Teddy is really happy and so am I,

I've always wanted more kids.

- When's the wedding?

- Well, um...

- He's married?

- Let's just say the official story

is artificial insemination.

- Give me a break!

- Nobody wants to believe
it, that's their problem.

- I must have been adopted.

- I'll never forget, the night
my husband left for good.

Watching his tail lights disappear,

like a shooting star on a summer night.

I raised these kids with no support

of any kind from their father.

- Well that must have been tough ma'am.

- He died mum.

- But that was later.

Heart attack.

I ran this old house, single-handedly.

- Maybe a hundred years ago.

- [Julia] Squirrels in
the chimney one day,

broken pipes the next.

- Well you got a great house here ma'am,

you just, you need a handyman.
(dishwasher banging)

- No Ma, the dishwasher's broken.

- I uh, can take a look at it.

- Oh, great!

You're hired.

- Do you like ooze or is that too strong?

- Well why, well uh, abuse?

Abuse.
- Abuse, misuse?

Misuse!
- I like ooze, it's an image,

I think it's stronger.

- [Diane] Okay I'll go with ooze.

I think it's funny too.

- What are you guys doing?

- Oh we're just working on
the song for the benefit.

We're fine.

- Okay.

(thumping)

- Okay I'm gonna write some more verses.

- [Robin] I'm indisposed,
you know what to do.

- Robin, Laura, call me back!

Fax me, email me, anything,
please I'm dying here!

(crickets chirping)

- Martha!

My little mouse!

(cheerful piano music)

- I found the song that
grandpa used to sing to us.

♫ Put your arms around
me honey, hold me tight

♫ Close me up inside your
arms, all through the night

♫ Here, near, the one that I adore

♫ It's clear what the night is for

♫ Let the world go by
and never slow its pace

♫ I've found all

- You gonna tuck me in too?
♫ I need inside

♫ Your sweet embrace

♫ Oh, oh I never knew

♫ Anyone like you

(pleasant music)

- Laura?

Laura?

- [Diane] Oh yeah do it harder

Oh yeah, come on.

Oh, oh yeah!
(groaning)

- [Bud] Here we go!

(panting)

- Oh, oh god, I'm dying!

Oh, oh...

- Shit.

- [Bud] Like that?

Here we go.
- Oh!

(pleasant music)

(dramatic music)

(languid music)

(maudlin music)

- Darling, I'm going to die.

(coughing)
Let me die!

- Kath!

- Take me in your arms, hold me tight!

Don't let me go!

- Kath!

- [Kath] It's dark out there alone.

- Hey Jeff what are you doing up so late?

- Huh?
- Mind if I join you?

I can't sleep.

- Me neither.

- [Darling] Really not since we met.

- [Kath] Not since we met.

- In life, and in death, say it Kath!

- In life, and in death,
we'll never be parted.

- [Darling] You do believe that,

don't you Kathy?
(sniffing)

(dramatic music)

(sighing)

- Life sucks, and then you die.

- That's depressing.

- I hate my job.

- So quit.
- Oh it's not that easy,

I, I have a mortgage and,
I want a simpler life.

I can't stop thinking about Todd's job.

- Aw, that'd be great for you.

You'd get to be on the river all the time.

Oh, shit.

- Right you see the problem.

I'd be up here.

It's not the life Laura signed on for.

(sniffing)
- Well what does she say?

- Oh god, I haven't told her.

Not that Laura even knows I'm alive.

Yeah, get this, I have to make
an appointment to have sex!

(giggling)
For Christ sake.

- No!
- Can you believe that?

- Well that could work.

- No it doesn't, she cancels.

(laughing)
Oh god this is terrible,

I shouldn't be telling you any of this.

A dog.

But it's frustrating, you know I play

second fiddle to a cordless phone!

- Hey you know that would
make a really great song.

- Then, if I tell her, I'll lose her.

- That is so heavy.

♫ If I'm being myself means losing you

(faint singing)

♫ Even when you're home I still feel alone

♫ I'm playing second fiddle

♫ To your cordless phone

- God, that's it exactly.

Who wrote that, Willy?

Guy's a genius.

- No, we did!

Oh!

Thanks for the song!

(giggling)

Talk to Laura!

(serene music)

- God, get me through this day

and I'll give the poor
orphans a whole week's pay.

- Alvin, dig the pit where
Grandpa always had it.

(bell clanging)

(perky music)

- How 'bout a quickie
before breakfast Martha?

(laughing)

- [Diane] This water is freezing!

- [Lesley] You guys, are so chicken.

(laughing)

- Laura, um, I gotta go to work today,

can you make your
special cake for Grandpa?

- Laura doesn't have time to bake anymore.

Diane can make the cake.

- Oh sure I'll make the cake.

Laura and Jeff could use
some time together anyhow.

- Get a move on girls we've
got a lot to do for the party.

- Since when are you such an
expert on what Jeff and I need?

- What did I do?

All I said was that you and Jeff

could use some time together.

You're so tense!

- Hi.

- Hi.

Mmm.

You uh,

you smell like grass.

And leaves.

(chuckling)
Kind of a,

cinnamony overtones, it's kind of nice.

- Do you still love me?

(tense music)

- Of course I love you.

What do you mean still?

- More than anybody?

- Yes.

More than anybody.

(romantic music)

(telephone beeping)

Let it go.

(telephone beeping)

- I can't.
- They'll call back.

- Laura Spencer.
- I give up.

- [Robin] Hi Laura, I have bad news.

You didn't make partner, I'm so sorry.

- Did anybody?

- [Robin] Who do you know, whose uncle is

Secretary of State and who can bring in

20 zillion bucks worth of business?

- Eric.
- Yes, Eric.

- What did they say,
was there a discussion?

- [Robin] Yeah, everybody
knows how good you are.

They're such jerks, I can't
believe this happened.

- Thank you for calling Robin,

I'll see you at work on Monday.

(downbeat music)

- Mom sent me for chairs.

Are these ready.
- Yeah.

Where's the plumber?

- Where's the wife?

(sighing)
- Did you talk to her?

How did it go?
- How'd it go?

It went the way it always goes, you know.

Computer on the bed and the
phone call from the office,

and the usual marriage interruptus.

- I'm sorry.

- You want to come fishing with me?

- Jeff, don't go there.

- Okay.

(sighing)
(keyboard clacking)

(dog barking)

♫ I'm coffee pot sorting

♫ Coffee pots, they're no good for me

♫ If I can't have a proper cup of coffee

♫ From a proper copper coffee pot

♫ I'll throw you in the sea

(telephone ringing)

Julia Hartley.

Hello Steven.

Teddy, it's your father!

(gasping)

Rule number one today, you keep
that snake away from Drena.

(lips sputtering)
(lips sputter) Is not a word!

Steven that was not meant for you.

- Hi Dad, yeah we have practice today.

No, we'll be playing the Bears next week.

No, not yet.

- Has anyone seen Jeff?

- No dear, anything the matter?

- No Mom.

- I'm gonna do it Dad I swear,

I just haven't had the chance.

Don't I'll do it myself real soon!

(hammer thumping)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey thank you, that needed fixing.

- So uh, when's this baby due?

- Sh, it's supposed to be a secret!

- Well, not for long right?

- No (giggles).

Hey honey, you okay?

Was that your dad on the phone?

Teddy?
- Leave me alone Mom.

- I remember that age.

- Uh, yeah his dad is
bugging him about something.

- I haven't met your husband, have I?

- Don't hold your breath, he
and the bride live in Chicago.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

(poignant music)

- Jeff I'm sorry about this morning.

That was the call that I
was expecting from Robin.

They gave it to Eric.

- They gave what to Eric?

- They gave the partnership to Eric.

- Oh no.

Not, and Eric!

That dickhead?

That loser, that Jesus Christ that

pathetic excuse for a lawyer?

(sighing)

Honey I am so sorry.

- I work my ass off for them
and they pass me up for Eric.

I'm a good lawyer.

- Yeah.
- Is the only game

in town about getting clients?

- That's how it is with
those big New York law firms.

Maybe if you went to another firm?

- If I go somewhere else I just have

to start all over again.

I don't know, maybe it
is time for a change.

- Yeah, maybe you should
think of a smaller firm.

Or a firm outside New York.

- Oh I don't know, I'm so confused.

- Hey.

- Hold me.

Mmm.

- Why'd you drive so fast?

- I'm in a hurry.

- God I look like a wreck!

Can't you wait two minutes
while I fix my face?

- Take your time.

- [Woman] You forgot the pie!

We're late!

- Julia!

- In the kitchen!

- Julia.

- What in god's name are you doing here?

- That's it, no hi Will
and a welcome home,

I've missed you, no thank
god you've come back, no--

- I thought you left for
Santa Fe three days ago?

- I changed my mind.

Oh, what's for supper?

What's this, smells like...

Confit of rabbit.

(slurps) Mmm (smacks lips), (chuckles).

It's a little chewy, tastes
more like, uh, like turtle.

Uh, needs basil or, or spikenard.

Got any spikenard?

- What's that?

It's an Old Testament aphrodisiac.

- Show off.

- I say, what do you know?

A proper cup of coffee
in a proper coffee pot.

♫ Curse 'ya, curse 'ya, curse 'ya

♫ It's the awfullest coffee in Persia

♫ Oh, what I want is
a proper cup of coffee

♫ Made from a proper copper coffee pot

(laughing)

♫ I might be off my nut

♫ But I wanna proper cup o' coffee from

♫ a copper coffee pot
- Who's that guy?

- My brother, he's visiting.

- Is he married?

- His wife died two years ago.

- Well it looks like the
mourning period is over.

♫ Coffee pot I'll throw you in the sea

(laughing)

- Will, you stay here
and lend Julia a hand,

Diane and I have errands in town.

See you later darling.

- Thank you.

(laughing)

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Jeff, are you kidnapping me?

- Yes, I want to show you this

(tender music)
little treasure island

I found, it's really not far.

- Okay, okay (laughs).

God I remember this place.

- What you've been here?

- Yeah I used to come out here to escape

from my crazy family.

I'd pack a tent and a
flashlight and a pile of books.

Camp out for days.

- [Jeff] Oh yeah right,
what'd you eat, bark?

- Ouch, after I finished my Oreos?

- Nature girl.

(laughing)
Are you all right?

- I used to catch fish and cook 'em.

- No way.
- Uh huh.

- You did that?
- Yeah.

- Well, you are a country
girl after all, I'm impressed.

- Oh my god I'd forgotten all about this.

- Man you were a stoner too.

Damn, I can see the headlines now,

pot growing power lawyer busted!

That would make your
future clear with the firm!

(laughing)

I'm making a citizens arrest.

(Laura giggling)
On your knees, and spread 'em!

Mmm.

God you're sexy.

This is just what we need.

The great outdoors, fresh air,

(Laura laughing)

mmm, little birds tweeting
away in a bower of love.

- Mmm.

Mmm, listen.

When I was little I used to
think the cicadas were saying

"Get away, get away, get away, get away."

- I figured out how we can get away.

- How?

- Todd's job at Hudson
River Trust is open.

I'm gonna take it.

- What?

(chuckles) Where's this coming from?

- You said get away.

- No this is where I
plotted my getaway from

Hudson Falls, not to.

- Why I thought you'd want to ease up now.

- Ease up,

are you crazy?
- I thought that's what

you were saying!
- I have no intention of

easing up, I have to work
even harder this year

to make partner next year!

- What?
- I've got to nail

the Dahlberg case!

I don't believe you!

- Laura...
- I tell you that I don't

make partner and your solution is

to whisk us off to the burbs.

What am I supposed to do out here?

Open a fruit and vegetable stand?

- Okay, all right, you
can stay at the firm

and you can come up here on weekends.

- Great, great, I'll live in the city

and you can live in the country

and we'll have a long-distance marriage.

- Well Laura, we already do.

- [Laura] God you make me so angry,

acting on impulse like this.

- [Jeff] Laura, wait a second!

- [Laura] You know what Jeff?

- Ow!
- You're just like

the rest of my family!

Making it up as you go along.

- Whoa whoa whoa, whoa whoa whoa wait!

Laura!
- I thought I could

count on you!
- Laura!

Fuck!

- It's tangled!
- Here turn it this way.

- No you're making it worse!

Will, this is my daughter
lawyer, uh, daughter Laura.

Will here is helping sort of.

- Hi there.
- Don't let me interrupt.

Hi.

- Diane's gone off, you'll
have to make the cake.

- [Laura] I can't do it Mom,

I've got a big meeting on Monday.

(mumble), ugh, god, give me a break!

- [Julia] Laura!

Laura!

- I can't take this.

Voluntary simplicity.

Great.

(birds singing)

(waves crashing)

(languorous music)

(geese honking)

- Oh, Grandpa.

Not that creme, no.

We are gong to, bake a cake.

Chocolate cake...

(water splashing)

- Look at you Dad, we can't have you

looking like this for the party.

- Why?
- Jeff!

This is no time for a
dip for heaven's sake!

- Uh...
- We have guests arriving

at five!

Be a dear and wash Grandpa.

- Okay.
- What what,

where are we going?
- We're going to take a bath.

(vacuum cleaner whirring)
(furtive music)

(clicking)

(thumping)

- Mm, that cake smells good.

Where's that blue vase?

- Mom I just found this in
the back of the cook book.

They're from Dad, they're 20 years old,

you never opened these.

I thought that you said that
he never tried to contact us?

You know about these?

- I don't have time
for this today my dear.

- Mom, stop what you're doing and

take the time for a minute, please!

- Those are private!

- How do you know there isn't
anything in there for us?

No, how are the kids, a
birthday greeting, anything?

- That never occurred to me,
it was a very difficult time.

Finding him with the
babysitter, not a pretty sight.

- Maybe he tried to explain himself.

- I'm sure he did, he was a charmer.

But I'd heard it all before.

I was terribly hurt by him.

I really loved him, I must
have, cried for a month, longer!

But as it turned out I
didn't really need him,

I did it all myself.

- Maybe you didn't need him
- Come on Grandma!

but maybe we did?

- It's like Steve and Teddy.

- [Teddy] Grandma I got to go!

- Things may not be perfect with them,

but at least they're connected,
at least Teddy has a father.

- I'm really late for practice Grandma!

- In a minute.
- I'll take you Teddy.

And the cake comes out at 3:20.

- Quack quack, quack, quack.

- (mumbles), when was
the last time you had

a bath old man?

- Oh, in 1492, Columbus
sailed the ocean blue.

- Huh, wise guy huh?

What do you wear for the big day?

- Oh, you're looking at it.

My birthday suit (chuckles).

Wha, wha-where's Martha?

- Grandpa Martha's gone.

Laura may be gone too.

- What the hell you
talking about, Laura gone?

Laura can't!

- She had to--
- No, no!

- She can't, Laura, Laura!
- What'd I do (mumbles).

Everybody in this family runs away!

- Where's Laura, where's Laura?

- Grandpa!
- Laura!

(dog barking)
- Hey, hey hey hey, it's okay!

It's okay!

- Laura!
- It's okay,

She's not here!
- Laura, Laura!

- She's not dead!
- Laura!

(dog barking)
- You seen her last night...

- Do you have any nail polish remover?

- Have I been a terrible mother?

- The worst I ever had.

- Did, do you miss
having, having a father?

- I don't know.

I was only two when Daddy left.

And Grandpa was there.

What I miss is Ron.

He's the sexiest man alive,
it's like I'm addicted to him!

- Take up smoking, it's healthier.

- Don't you ever get lonely?

- Never.

- So Teddy how's life treating you?

- Terrible.

My dad want's me to come live with him

in Chicago, with his new family.

- What does your mom say?

- She doesn't know.

- Yikes.
- I promised Dad I'd tell her,

I just can't get up the nerve.

There is gonna be a big war.

- You want me to talk to her about it?

- Well that'd be great, would you?

- Yeah, I'll talk to here
as soon as we get there.

- Julia,

when am I gonna get that
tour of your studio?

- Well, you're here now,
why not look around?

- Your work is so witty.

I love it, kind of like a cross

between Pitaro and Nicky (mumbles).

Do you know what I really like?

The playfulness, the voluptuousness.

- Are you talking about my work?

- You are some woman,

Julia.
- Look Will,

I really think that it--
- I don't agree.

- Mmm.

This is crazy.

- Listen, I'm just as
surprised as you are.

I guess there are times in life when you

just have to let love happen.

- I did.

I bared my soul to you,
I, told you my whole life

story at that party.

You know all my secrets,
but I thought you were

leaving the next day, why did you stay?

- For this.

- Look at you.

- (chuckles) Who died?

- We're having a party.

(train whistle blowing)

- [Grandpa] That would be the 3:46.

- You've had a good live,
haven't you Grandpa?

- So far.

- Well, if I make it to 85,

I hope I have as much to look back on.

- There was a young man, from Nantucket.

Who made money, by god, by the bucket.

Poor sod hated his work.

- Yeah, so what'd he do?

- I forgot.

Hold on, poor sod hated his
work, felt like a real jerk,

till finally one day he said chuck it!

- Chuck it!

- Chuck it!

(pleasant music)

(beeping)
(fax machine rumbling)

(players chattering)
(whistle blowing)

- Yeah I'm sorry for
the scheduling mix-up.

But don't worry, the Tiger's
will get their chance.

Hi, my beautiful sister.

Hey.
- See you later Chris, hi.

- Hey thanks for picking Teddy up.

- Oh no problem.

(whistle blowing)
Listen, Teddy told me

on the way up
- He's so excited that

you guys are here, he just
loves having you guys.

Why don't you come more often?

- Oh, Jeff just broke the news to me

that he want's to move up here.

- No way, that'd be so great!

(whistle blowing)
- Uh, I think he's having

a mid-life crises.
- Go Teddy, ooh!

(whistles blowing)
- Anyway why can't

you commute?
- I already work

an 80-hour week.
- 80-hour week?

How'd he get you to take that
trip to the Canadian woods?

- He feels like he needs
those things for his sanity,

but I don't need them.

- I don't know.

When you came back from that
trip you were a changed woman.

- Really?

In what way?

(thumping)
- Hey!

Ouch, that hurt!

(whistles blowing)
- Oh look at him!

Teddy, he's in another
fight, I can't believe this!

(whistles blowing)

- Break it up!

No fighting!

Ted, penalty box for two minutes!

- [Teddy] He started it!

(whistle blowing)
- Okay everybody back into

positions, all right
- Hey!

- [Coach] let's start a new face-off!

- Look at you!

What's the matter with
you, you're acting like

a little wild animal out there?

(whistle blowing)

- Did you see that?

That was so unfair, he hit me first!

(telephone beeping)

(telephone ringing)

- Hello?
- Hi Clifton it's Laura.

- [Clifton] Oh hi Laura.

- I wanted to know when the
Dahlberg meeting was on Monday?

- [Clifton] Oh, Laura
listen I'm glad you called.

Dhalberg had to go to Europe,

so we rescheduled for next week.

- Great, good, then I don't
have to work this weekend.

- [Clifton] No, you know it might not be

a bad idea to get a headstart.

(whistle blowing)

- Clifton I'm gonna take the weekend off.

- [Clifton] That's fine
Laura, have a good weekend.

See 'ya Monday.

(dial tone buzzing)

- Cliff's an asshole!

- Hey, hey, don't you say that,

you would never say things like

that in front of your father!

I feel like shipping you off to Chicago

to get him to straighten you out!

- [Teddy] Just great.

(mumbling)

- I'm so mad at him.

- Honey you don't understand.

Steve's been pressuring him to come live

with him in Chicago.

- What?

- Teddy told me in the car and I was

supposed to tell you and I forgot.

- You forgot to tell me that?

Jesus Lora, nice work.

Hey, Teddy!

(clattering)

Come here, I'm sorry, Laura just told me.

I never would have said that.

- You didn't tell her?

- I meant to.

- Honey is that what you
were trying to tell me,

that you want to go live with your dad,

and you were afraid to say it to me?

- No I want to stay here with you,

I just don't know how to tell Dad

without telling him about the baby.

- Oh Teddy, I can handle your dad,

don't worry about that.

And, when Grandma moves, we'll get our own

little place together, and it can be us,

and the baby will be
here, and, okay my sweety?

I love you so much!

(thumping)
(groaning)

- Nice work Laura.

- Clear water home page.

Um, let's look at PCPs on the Mississippi.

- It's a rubber-stamp meeting.

- Uh hmm.
- The board will be

rooting for you.

Everyone in the non-profit world knows

the trick is fund raising,
so you're background

in advertising, your awards are crucial.

- Right.
- You can catch up

on the science later.

- Good.

- Are you actually
going through with this?

- Jeff I'll see you guys at the party.

- I thought this was
still under discussion.

- Well you ran off, remember?

- Yeah well, I'm here now.

Jeff, I realize that I've
been so focused on my work...

I want to redirect.

The issue here is priorities.

I know that I need to
make more time for us.

What if I take weekends off

and we rent a house out in the Hamptons?

- No, it's more than just that.

(sighing)

Look I don't know when it happened, but,

what makes me happy, has changed.

And taking this job is a
step in that direction.

- What do they pay?

- Maybe about a third of what I make now.

- We can't afford that Jeff.

How are we ever gonna
save up to have kids?

- Well we'll cross that
bridge when we come to it.

- You sound like my mother.

Dropping out was not
part of the deal Jeff.

- I am not dropping out,
I am changing careers.

- No you're floundering!

- Laura I have never felt saner!

- I (mumbles), then I'm baffled!

What is it?

- I'm beginning to think
being a work junkie

may just be an escape.

- From what?
- I have no idea,

that's what I've got to find out!

- Are you accusing me of being shallow

because I love my work?

- No I'm not accusing you of anything.

- My last case, I won,
50 workers compensation

from being crippled by faulty

jackhammers!
- God dammit Laura

that is so unfair!

I did three spots for the ad council

and dammit Laura, that's not the point!

This is not about work!

It's about my whole life!

You want to be in the thick of things,

I'd be happy living in a shack somewhere.

- A shack?
- Yes.

And something else, I'm sick
of waiting to have kids.

And I'm sick of pretending

to be in a marriage when we're not!

We're no fun anymore.

We don't play, we don't make love.

You don't need me.

You won't even miss me when I'm gone.

(snoring)
(comically furtive music)

(suspenseful music)

(whimpering)

(desultory music)

(Will laughing)

- Get dressed, I have people coming!

(patient music)

(rattling)

(knocking)

- Laura?

I just need my clothes.

(thumping)
- Go away!

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, for me!

Thank you thanks a lot!

- [Will] What a matinee,

I can't wait for the evening performance.

- Oh,

Lord!

What have I got myself into (chuckles)?

- Flowers, are they for me?

- No no no, no, they're for the party.

- Well let me see the card,
they might be from Ron.

Are they for you?

Do you have a secret admirer Mom?

Who is it?

It's that hot guy from Santa Fe

isn't it?
- Mind your own business!

- [Diane] Are you blushing?

You're actually blushing Mom!

This is a first, let me see the card!

- So what did you decide, you
gonna go live with your dad?

- I'm staying here!
- Good move!

- How do you know, you
didn't even know my dad!

- Yeah well I know you're mom.

- Oh!
- Hey!

- [Diane] Hey, back it up.

- [Jeff] Okay this way.

- [Teddy] This is heavy.

- [Diane] You need some help?

- No we got it.

(sighing)

- I look like a lawyer.

- Hey Jeff no offense
but are you gonna change?

- Laura locked me out of the room.

- Why?
- Well I talked to her

like you said, she went ballistic.

Thank you.

So I took Todd's job.

- I thought you guys were married,

don't you make any decisions together?

- Why don't you get yourselves a drink?

Jeff?
- Hmm?

- Get dressed, people are here.

- Laura locked him out.

- Diane!
- Why?

- He doesn't communicate.

- Ah the love birds, did
you ever seen such devotion?

- They're adorable!
(chuckling)

Julia!

Oh I get it, no public
displays of affection.

- Excuse me, well, there's Dad.

Dad?

- What's going on with the two of you?

- Let's get a drink.

(cheerfully perky music)

- Julia!
- Yago darling thank you

for coming!
- Ah!

A roast pig?

You barbarian!

When you going to sacrifice the virgins?

- First we have to find some.

- Oh this is Dudley McGruder,

your patron from Microsoft.

- What a great pleasure, I love your work!

- You have a good eye!

(chuckling)

- May I take a look around
your sculpture garden?

- Oh yes come along I'll give you a tour.

- No, I'll be fine--
- Listen most people

don't know shit about
art, you have to tell them

what they're looking at,
think it's something to buy,

like toilet paper.

- [Dudley] I think I can be trusted.

- Oh yes a thousand pardons,
I'm sure you could teach me.

- Let me point you in the right direction.

Julia's a brilliant sculptor.

- Yes she is.
- And uh you know,

I know a lot of would-be
artists, I live in Santa Fe.

- Oh, you have my sentiments.
- Oh, Julien!

Hi!

Hey were you guys always this cute?

(chuckling)

Whoa.

(brash Jazz music)

- So, you're hot girl.

- So are those two the father?

- Not even close Sherlock.

- Look at their body language,
I think they were fucking!

- Oh, nah, you know Diane.

She treats every man like a lover,

that's why they all want her.

- Can that be learned, or do
you have to be born with it?

- Definitely?
- Hello.

- I'll call you back.

- I'm Laura.
- Dudley, McGruder.

- So tell me about yourself Dudley,

are you from around here?

- Oh no, no I'm uh, only
up here on business.

- A working weekend!

- I work every weekend.

- (laughs) So do I.

I get hassled about it by everybody.

- Maybe you're, hanging
out with the wrong crowd?

- Precisely, so tell me about

your crowd?
- Jeff!

We are so thrilled to have
a man with your experience

coming to work with us
at Hudson River Trust.

Your ad with the penguin,
oh it was brilliant!

- Great.
- No wonder it might

win a Cleo.

I mean, a producer of TV commercials.

Now that you're taking the job

I assume you'll be moving up here.

- Well the uh...
- Dudley, I need a drink.

- Well let's get you one.
- Wonderful rustic pattern

that goes with the job.

- All right now wait a minute,
come on you son-of-a-gun!

Can't ha, there

we go.
- My mommma can open it.

- Here we go, come on, that's right.

(paper ripping)
There you are.

Aw,
- See what it is.

(Teddy mumbles)
- can't wait, I can't wait,

- Oh, oh (mumbles)!
- I can't, oh, holy cow!

- Jeff!
- Excuse me.

- This is my cousin Helen.

- I'll see you later.
- Okay.

Hi.
- Hi.

- He's moving to Washngton.

- Todd, it's not official yet.

- Hi pumpkin!
- What kept you?

- Mmm, so hard to park.
(chuckling)

- They've been apart
for all of five minutes.

- Jeff!
- Eric!

- [Eric] What are you doing here?

- Well the guest of honor's
Laura's grandfather, so...

- Oh I didn't know that!

- Yeah.
- I practice law with Laura,

you know, or I did!

- Did?

Is Laura quitting?
- No, I am.

When Clifton called last
night to say I made partner,

I realized I didn't want it.

- My handsome precious, it's your call.

You've always wanted to go into politics.

- So I called Uncle Lewis
and he was kind enough

to offer me the post of Undersecretary

to the Ambassador to, what is
the name of that country dear?

- Oh it keeps changing depending
on who wins the revolution.

(chuckling)

- Have you told Laura your news?

- My darlings, Laura, Presley,

I have the most wonderful
news for your Mother!

An adorable couple wants to buy the house,

or at last the property.

I think they're gonna tear down the house.

- [Presley] How can you
tear down this house?

- [Lesley] Ridiculous!

- [Realtor] Ridiculous?

You serve any hard liquor here?

- I got trapped into
law school by my parents

and hated it, and who cares
about writs and torts,

and pari-passu--

- [Woman] And party of the first part.

- And all that Latin
lingo crap (chuckles).

- Eric, what is he doing here?

- I think you should tell Laura your news.

I think she would be so happy, for you.

- Excuse me...
- It's going too far

Charlotte, (mumbles).

- Julia!

Julia wait!

My god you look sexy!

- Not here, for heaven's sake!

- You were amazing this afternoon!

- Will, please not now!

- Mom, that was so rude!

- The last thing I need,
today, is an ardent suitor.

I have 40 people in the house,

my biggest client is here,

I haven't had five
minutes to schmooze him!

- Who do you think you are?

Do you bite Will's head off after

you've just had sex with him?

I saw you in the studio Mom, Christ,

you are some kind of role model!

You are so militantly self-sufficient!

- What's this coming from?

- I'm just having the worst
day of my life, I'm sorry.

Jeff and I got into a huge fight today.

- Darling I'm sorry, Laura.

- He's decided that he wants
to take over Todd's job

at Hudson River Trust and move up here.

- Oh.
- Without me.

I'm so afraid of Jeff changing.

- Jeff is changing.
- I know.

- You're changing.

People are un-unpredictable.

It's what makes life exciting, hmm?

- [Lesley] Julia!

Julia, we need you over here!

- [Diane] Ron (chuckles).

- Too many people, too much work.

- Drena, I love you.

- Hey!
- You okay?

- Yeah why?

- Oh I mean about Ron and Diane.

I thought that you guys had
something going this weekend.

- Oh, no no no, we're just buddies.

- Oh.
- You know this place

will make a great bed and breakfast.

- You know I've always thought that.

But, I have to make a place for Grandpa,

I don't really see him living in Soho.

- Grandpa, well we give him his own wing.

I mean, you can give him his own wing.

(chuckling)

I could draw up some
plans for you if you want.

- You could.

- And if you do that, you're
gonna need a good plumber.

- I know.

- Oh have you seen Laura?

- She's around here somewhere.

- [Jeff] Laura.

(guests chattering)

- I think Bud the plumber just made this

really big move on me.

(giggling)

- Does he know you're pregnant?

- Yes, yes!

- Guess, I'd worry about Steve.

If he wants to make a fuss about custody

he's got a great case.

Unmarried mother, un-named
father, pubescent boy.

- Steve won't be a problem.

- (chuckles) Les, look--

- In law school you study
hypotheticals, right?

- Uh hmm.
- Ex husband gets remarried,

moves let's say, oh to the Midwest.

Gets together with the ex-wife,

they go through the storage bins

to look through all their old stuff,

one thing leads to another, and,

let's just say I was
Steve's bachelor party.

- Oh my god (laughs)!

Les!

I had no idea storage bins were so sexy.

What does Steve say?

- Oh, as far as Steve's
concerned it never happened.

I'm on my own, the new
wife wouldn't understand.

- Artificial insemination
the perfect cover up.

- It is a proven gene pool.

- That's right.

Hey, you look respectable now!

- Thank you.

All I need is a yellow tie, right Laura?

- No, you're not the type.

- Ouch.

Just been dissed by a strawberry tart.

- I think you two need another
trip to the Canadian woods.

(chuckling)

- There a, was a young fellow named Nap,

who had a terrible case of the clap--

- Mayor Sweet, Mrs. Sweet,
how sweet of you to come.

Now that you're here it's time for the

celebration part--
- Look this way Mr. McBurney,

we just want to get a
few impressions of you

on this wonderful occasion.

- Yeah yeah, I'm the mayor, do I know you?

- Is it true what they
say about men in kilts?

- Well.

(camera clacking)

- Can you believe this
guy was once the mayor?

I'm surprised he didn't get further.

- A-Attention, everybody!

(bagpipes blaring)

Not now!

Y-You are a surprise for later!

- Oh.

- I think the mayor
wants to say a few words!

- Ladies and gentlemen--

- It's a real honor to be
here today to help celebrate

the 85th birthday of one of
our most prominent citizens

and former mayor, so,
here's to another 85 years!

- Thank you!
(applauding)

- Ladies and gentlemen--

- Dad!

To my father, and your former mayor,

and everybody's friend Angus J. McBurney!

Bud, Bud, lend me a hand.

- [Guests] Ah!

- Winnie!
- It's the dog!

(squealing)
(chuckling)

- It's perfect!

- Oh I love you, I love you dear!

(exotic suspenseful music)

(screaming)

(yelling)
(comical music)

- (mumbles) Teddy, Teddy!

- [Teddy] Goliath, where have

you been?
- Big trouble.

All right, whao, hey
let's hear it for the man!

(applauding)

- [Teddy] Thank you, thank you, thank you!

- Jeff is so funny.

- Yeah.

(chuckling)
- Grandpa is way too old.

- [Diane] I bet you Laura
has a gadget for this!

- [Lesley] I bet she does.

- I want to carry it over,

I look really good in candlelight.

- Whatever (laughs)!
- Whatever.

(laughing)
- What?

Okay grandpa make a
wish and blow them out!

- Ah!

(lips sputtering)

(laughing)
(clapping)

- [All] For he's the jolly good fellow,

for he's the jolly good fellow,

for he's the jolly good fellow,

which nobody can deny!

(applauding)

- I love this family.

- Me too.

I think when I proposed to Laura,

I was asking them all to
marry me, even the old guy.

- Water balloons, great idea!

- Hey!
- Loose something?

- Dudley!

- The car's here, so I'll
be leaving in a few minutes.

Oh, traffic's going to be
terrible this time of day.

- Uh hmm.
- All those, Saturday night

bridge and tunnel people coming

into Manhattan for a little fun.

So what do you do for fun Laura?

- Ah, oh boy, I get dragged
places against my will.

Sky Rink, rock concerts in Central Park,

roller blading at the pier.

(chuckling)

Actually that's kind of fun.

- Yeah?
- Have you ever done it?

- Uh no, no, can't say that I have.

- What do you do for fun?

- Well actually, my
brokerage house is having

an investment planning
dinner on Tuesday night.

And I thought that
maybe you might join me.

There'll be plenty of time to network.

- To network.
- Yeah.

- Um, actually Dudley I have to decline.

Thank you though.

Sounds like fun (chuckles).

- That's a silk tie!

- I'm sorry.
- That stains!

- I'm sorry.

(bagpipes droning)

- No, no, in a minute, in a minute.

- Laura, I have big news for you!

- Yes I heard, congratulations.

- You heard I'm quitting the firm?

- What?

(guests chattering)
(cans clattering)

- That's awfully fast, but it's up to you,

that's fine with me precious,

(Laura chuckling)
it's your call!

- Well no I called...

- Jeff!

Audra loved you,

if you've got her vote
you've got the board,

you're a shoe-in.

Here let me help you.

- Laura!
- I don't believe him!

I wanted to make partner
since day one of the firm,

and my last obstacle just evaporated.

- So you got it?
- I think I will.

- Oh Laura!
(laughing)

That's really great.

- Life happens!

You know you can plan,
and plan and plan, and,

life just happens.

- There's another song.

(chuckles) I don't
believe it Ron was right,

my family's my material!

I'm sitting on a gold mine here!

Ron says the song I wrote last night

is one of my best songs,
and it's all about

you and Jeff and how much he misses you.

- Mm, he misses me?
- Yeah!

- Come on, everybody, it's
time for Dad's favorite jig!

(bagpipes blaring)

(festive Scottish music)

- Yahoo!

(ominous music)

Martha?

Martha!

Martha are you there?

- I'm here.

It's Martha.

(festive music)

(cheerfully festive music)

(Laura laughing)

(coals hissing)

♫ A gesture beats the sound of

♫ Please your heart again (mumbles)

♫ I'm playing second fiddle
to your cordless phone

♫ I'm playing second fiddle
to your cordless phone

♫ Even when you're home I still feel alone

♫ And those contracts
and those spreadsheets

♫ Are cluttering our bedsheets

♫ I can barely hold my own

♫ I'm playing second fiddle
to your cordless phone

♫ I'm playing

♫ Second fiddle

♫ To your cordless phone

(poignant music)

- [Jeff] Laura?

- I hate bagpipes.

- Me too.

- That's okay, Grandpa loved it.

- You look great.

- Thank you.

- I bet you're cold.

I saw you talking to Eric.

He told me his news.

(chuckling)
- Lucked out, didn't I?

I have to call Robin.

- Hey Robin!
(chuckling)

Now who says I can't communicate?

- Jeff I don't blame you
for being fed up with me.

I haven't been there for long--

- No no no, no no no,
it's not all your fault!

I'm uncommunicative.

- (chuckles) You're uncommunicative
and I'm self absorbed.

Perfect match.

What are we gonna do?

(distant train whistle blowing)

- [Both] I could commute?

(laughing)

- [Both] Okay you commute.

- Oh...

(telephone beeping)

- Go ahead, take the call.

It's okay.

I don't want to stop you.

(water splashing)

(distorted telephone beeping)

(romantic music)

(laughing)

♫ Put our arms around me honey

♫ Hold me tight

♫ Close me up

♫ Inside your arms

♫ All through the night

♫ Here near

♫ The one that I adore

♫ It's clear

♫ What the night is for

♫ Let the world go by

♫ And never slow its pace

♫ I found all I need

♫ Inside your sweet embrace

♫ Oh, oh

♫ I never knew

♫ Anyone

♫ Oh like you

♫ Put your arms around
me honey, hold me tight

♫ Hold me tight

♫ Huddle up and cuddle
up with all your might

♫ Oh, oh, won't you roll them eyes

♫ Eyes that I just idolize

♫ When they look at me,
my heart begins to float

♫ Then it starts
a-rockin' like a motorboat

♫ Oooh-oooh, I never knew any

♫ Boy like you

(bawdy ragtime music)

♫ Put your arms around
me, honey, hold me tight

♫ Huddle up and cuddle
up with all your might

♫ Oh, oh, oh oh, won't you roll them eyes

♫ Roll them eyes

♫ Eyes that i just idolize

♫ I just idolize

♫ When they look at me,
my heart begins to float

♫ Then it stars a-rockin' like a motorboat

♫ Oooh-oooh, I never knew any

♫ Boy like

♫ You-ooo-ooo-ooo

♫ Oh I never knew anyone like you

- [Narrator] When an ambitious attorney,

- Clifton called a
senior partners meeting.

By tonight, you could be partner.

- [Narrator] and a
disillusioned TV producer,

- Not another allergic
dog, can you believe this?

- [Narrator] Come to a
crossroads in their marriage,

- We're no fun anymore, we don't play.

We don't make love.

You don't need me.

- [Narrator] a weekend with the family

may push them over the edge.

(thumping)
- Go away!

- I thought you guys were married!

Don't you make any decisions together?

- You two need another
trip to the Canadian woods.

- [Narrator] Now they're
getting some helpful advice.

- [Diane] He is the sexiest man alive!

It's like I'm addicted to him!

- Take up smoking it's healthier.

- (sighs) I'm so afraid of Jeff changing.

- But Jeff is changing.

- I know.
- You're changing.

People are un-unpredictable,

it's what makes life exciting, hmm?

- [Narrator] From odd loved ones.

- Don't mike my butt so big.

- I love a big butt, hush.

- Happy birthday!

- [Julia] I got him the same thing.

- Bubble wrap!

- He's becoming one of them.

(bubble wrap popping)

(laughing)
- With unusual habits.

- How about a quickie
before breakfast, Martha?

- God, get me through this day

and I'll give the poor
orphans a whole week's pay.

- Who died?

- We're having a party.

- [Narrator] This family
might just remind them,

what love is all about.

- Life happens!

- There's another song.

(laughs) I don't believe it Ron was right,

my family's my material!

- [Narrator] Hamden Entertainment,

in association with The
Dog Lives Productions,

and Gun for Hire Films presents the

heartwarming film about
one very unique family,

starring Golden Globe
nominee Jane Krakowski,

of Ally McBeal and Stepping Out,

Polly Draper of Thirtysomething

and Gold Diggers: The
Secret of Bear Mountain,

Robert Stanton of Striptease
and A League of Their Own,

and Rya Kihlstedt, of Home Alone 3.

Family Blues.