How to Talk to Girls at Parties (2017) - full transcript

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Is she really going out
with him?

The silver jubilee

marks 25 years
of Her Majesty's reign.

Oi, watch it!

I'll fucking kill you!

Don't come back here,

you fucking thieving
little git!

- Fuck off!
- Fucking bastards!

All right, John?

All right, boys?



All right, go, go, go, go!

Keep fighting
the machine, boys!

To the Queen!

- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!

- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!

Mum, can I have a word?

Can you sub me
next week's pocket money?

- You'll be home by 12:00?
- Yeah.

A revolution bankrolled

entirely by Mum's
spare change.

God save the Queen!

The fascist regime!

Get off!

I fucked your mum!



I had fun with her afterwards.

She's a very generous lover.

Whoa!

Oi, slow down, mate.
Slow down. Come on.

I can't believe you
did that. That was so funny.

Thank you very much.

When did they start
charging a bleeding pound

for a punk show in Croydon?

Shut it, Vic, all right?
We're getting in for free.

Up here.

Females await, boys.

Don't touch my hair.

Don't touch my hair.

Please kiss my heart and touch
my mind. Don't touch me there.

Don't touch my hair.

Don't touch my fucking hair.

Oi!

Fuck you, bitch! Bitch!

Whoa, punk really is
the greatest thing

that ever happened
to ugly people, isn't it?

Fuck you, Jerry.

Wait till you see Slap.
Wait till you see my boy!

Oi, get the fuck out of here!

Come in the front door,
you poofs!

Oh, boys, this place is
teeming with proper gash.

Do you not like
that word, Enn?

Would you prefer "lady bits"
or "front bottom"?

Fuck off.

God, those braces are clinging
on for dear life, ain't they?

I think the one with pink hair
is Shirley from school.

Yeah, I know her.

She's Boadicea's
right-hand bitch.

Go and talk to her then.
Get us into the after party.

Hey, who's the twat
in the turtleneck?

Must be another label
sniffing around The Dyschords.

You know, Boadicea should be
reading our fanzine.

Yeah, he's right.
She could put us on the map.

- Get us an intro then.
- I don't want to.

- Talk to Shirley.
- No. I don't want to.

You went to school with her.

- Sod off.
- Aww, are you a virgin?

- Fuck off!
- Go on!

The chick is leaving
the nest.

I was in Despair,

and now I'm in another band
called Lipstick,

which was formed
from the remnants of Despair.

Hiya!

It's Shirley, right?

Uh, we went
to school together.

The name's Spinning Jenny.

Nice. I'm Enn.

Uh, we did that show together?
Do you remember?

Baa Baa Black Sheep?

I was a bag of wool,
and so were you.

And we had that duet together.

Go on, give us
a tune then, "Shirley."

- Piss off.
- Um...

I do remember that song
we did though.

Let's sing it.

Oh, come on. You start.

We are bags of wool,
and I love you

And I'm happy
'cause you love me too

Don't pay any attention
to that.

But now I'm a gray sock
and you're a winter's cap

Forever apart on the same cold

Chap

Oi, oi, oi.
Bunch of boob-sniffing fucks!

Ever get the feeling

your invitation was lost
in the mail?

Who could imagine
you lot out here

- in a shithole like Croydon!
- Fuck off!

In the world
of quantum mechanics,

punks are everywhere
at the same time.

Until, observe.

Let me welcome you
to the leaders

of the
Party go Punk revolution!

The incredible Dyschords!

With your,
with your vampire

'Cause I'm your little sex toy

Your city is torn

She's singing I love you
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I had a planned adolescence

Under duress

A planned obsolescence

I'm so depressed

Yes!

Fuck off! Fuck off!

Cradle to the grave
We are told what to do

I'm bleeding from my tongue

But my blood's not blue
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I had a planned adolescence

Suck him off!

Stop!

- Fuck off!
- Piss off!

Virgin Records!

- Fuck you, yeah!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

I had a planned adolescence

Under duress

- Yeah!
- A planned obsolescence

I'm so depressed

A planned adolescence

Under duress

A planned obsolescence

I'm so depressed

Get off!

There's your seven-inch.

You stupid
fucking pillock.

We had him. We had him!

And then you had to go
and fuck it up!

What are you, suicidal?

- Ahh! You remind me of my mum.
- Good!

Bo,
I'm the golden goose!

You haven't laid
the golden egg yet, have you?

I've had it, Slap!

- So where's the after party?
- Wadeson Street. And you!

You are barred!

I can't bear it
if they sign

to a major, though.
So wrong.

Well,
The Clash signed to CBS.

They're dead to me.

I've written an editorial
in the new issue.

Did you put
my Slits review in?

Some of it.

- What did you take out?
- The epic fucking poetry.

Oi! Rimbaud was a symbolist.

You want to forget the artsy
crap next Tuesday, John mate.

Where are you going to
take her?

- Who?
- My impending date.

When did you get a date?
Who with?

- Tracey.
- What? Tracey the Slag?

Tracey the Magnanimous.

"Now, boys,
you can touch one of them.

"Left one's bigger..."

"...right one's nicer!"

So I was thinking, do I save
up and take her into town?

The Roxy maybe?
I mean, she's not a punk...

Nah, some mafia queer
runs the place now.

Don't know if he'll let you
fuck her in the toilet.

That is genuinely sad
to take advantage.

Not as sad as being the guy
at the party

who ends up in the kitchen,

talking to someone's mum.

"Oh, lovely
shade of blue, your balls."

Yeah, that'll be the shade
of your mum's lipstick, mate.

- Come on, boys!
- Tonight, all that changes

at the after party!

Do you know
where we're going?

- Yeah, Wadeson Street.
- Which is which way?

Just down the road
around the corner.

I trust you implicitly, Vic!

I absolutely know
where we're going.

Ugh, again.

Why don't we go
for a bit of a swing

in the kids' park instead?

- Fuck me!
- I'd hurt you, Enn.

How about this, right?

Why don't we finish our beers

and decide
on the Virys run tomorrow.

Enn?

Enn?

What's that music?

- What music?
- Shh!

I've almost got it.

Now I hear it.

Never doubt me again.

That music is amazing.
Is it German?

I feel like
I've heard it before.

You never heard nothing
before me, mate.

Shut it. Let's get laid.

Hello.

We're friends of Boadicea.

She manages The Dyschords.

There is no discord here.

Right.
What's your name, then?

Stella.

That's got to be the prettiest
name I have ever heard.

It's like a star, isn't it?

No. Stellas have been stars,
but not all stars are Stellas.

Well, you look
like a star, Stella.

They must be from California.

Jackpot.

They fuck anything that moves
in California.

Yeah, and Croydon
is the sister city to Fresno.

It's going to be
all right, mate.

Just corner the one
that looks the loneliest

and speak
in short admiring sentences.

Excuse me.

Hmm.

Enn.
Enn, mate. Come here.

So cool.

Might have a bit of a dance
to that.

I'm...

I'm gonna go find the kitchen.

Hello.

You look like you could use
some company.

I'm Enn.

Short for Henry.

I'm Wainswain.
It's long for Wain.

I don't remember you.

Don't you find it sad
that we never seem

to recognize each other
on birthdays?

Weren't you a virus last time?

- Last time?
- I thought so.

I'm a Second.

A second what?

Second Colony.

Today

I manifested imperfectly.

Again.

But that is no reflection
on Parent-Teacher Wain.

That is my own burden.

My mate John has got
a third nipple,

and it never held him back
in any way.

In our culture, he would class
as an abomination.

I'm...

Happy birthday, Waldo.

Happy birthday to you.

Fourth Colony manifests...

Individuality!

Let's be grateful
for our bodies.

After all,
they're our last ones.

The iconic London sights,
Big Ben, Westminster Abbey,

and the private Pleasure Dome
of the Prime Ministers,

aren't going to happen.

This whole
Queen's jubilee celebration

sort of blindsided us
Parent-Teachers

and the city is booked solid.

But we've managed
to patch together

a brand-new itinerary

of equally
nourishing experiences,

all within
this deeply authentic

suburban community of...

Croydon.

Zan, what are you
looking forward

to experiencing in Croydon?

I've sensed some tension
over our last few stops, Zan.

Do you have something
you want to interjaculate?

Don't hold back, Zan.

- Fourth Colony manifests...
- Individuality!

You constantly use words like

"enrichment"
and "authenticity,"

but we're behaving more like
tourists than travelers.

I mean, perhaps we could
emulate the Stellas

and really participate.

The Stellas have
a different way

of enriching their community.

Well, all we ever seem to do
is observe and consume.

You are what you eat, Zan.

I know I am.

Zan...

Are you shocked?

No, um...

I get it. I'm into punk.

My name is Enn.

Zan.

Tell me more
about yourself, Zan.

Why? We've probably met
a thousand times.

What's punk?

Like the Ramones?
Or the Sex Pistols?

Or the New York Dolls.

Well, some people
don't count the Dolls.

But it's like anarchy.

Now that is punk!

Do more punk to me.

Hmm...

Me and my mates were thinking
of starting a band, actually,

'cause none of us know how to
play anything, which is...

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

Um, you're bleeding.

How do I further access
the punk?

Well, I could take you dancing
at the Roxy.

Rape is playing tomorrow.

Our schedule doesn't allow
for Rape.

Does yours? Are you a Sixth?

What do you mean?

You're a local?

Stella said it was all right.

And only the Stella
knows you're here?

Hey, Stella. You're luminous,
you know that?

I wanna kiss you forever,

but you make me feel shy.

I don't wanna go
too fast, but...

Are you prepared?

Yeah.

Then kneel.

What?

Remove your clothes.

Okay.

How long
have you lot been here?

We arrived this morning.

It's the last stop
on our tour.

What do your people do
on an ordinary day?

Relax.

Breathe.

Close your eyes.

Breathe, Victor.

Breath.

Respire from the orifice.

Saturday's
our fanzine distribution day.

Sunday, we pick tomatoes
over by the sewage pipes.

You see, tomato seeds,

they don't break down
in the digestive system,

so they grow wild wherever
there's a leak in the pipes.

We pick them to sell them
for photocopying money.

Dancing, free trade,
duplication,

having no restrictions?

Well, we do what we want.

Release!

Merge!

Let go!

Ascend!

Who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck is he?

Who the fuck are you?

Do you think
I could smell it?

Yeah, pop it off like that.

That's a Level One violation.

Yes, it is, Celia.

Level Two.

She's approaching
a Level Three!

Enn!

Enn, we've all got to
get out of here!

What?

You! I see you!

Stay away from me!

I claim our Colony's right to
unique experience, Waldo!

This is unprecedented.

Oh! You mean it's unique?

Zan, this tone.

John! John! We've got to
get out of here!

Shut the fuck up!

Hurry! Hurry!

Out! Out!

Out! Out!

Lads. Lads, lads.
Lads, lads. Lads.

Lads, that was the future.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

Did you force her
or something?

Fuck you!

What was that for?

Vic. Vic.
Vic, where you going, mate?

- Vic.
- Enn!

Enn. Enn.

I claimed
a unilateral dispensation.

What?

I can come with you.

To the punk.

Oh. Well, everything's closed.

Everything on the island?

The island?

Oh... Well, yeah.

When do you have to be back?

I have 48 hours.

Enn...

What is it?

I feel

this body is dying.

It may yet live.

Are those my shoes?

How did you know?

Because they look exactly
like my shoes.

No, you don't have to.

Did you build this place?

No. My dad built it for me.

I like your ring.

It's the symbol of my Colony.

Are these the symbols
of your Colony?

- Uh...
- The Punk Colony?

I guess some of them.

'Cause our mag's
called Virys, uh,

so I came up with this
cartoon character, Virys Boy,

because he looks a bit punk.

See here, he goes around

and he meets
all these arseholes,

and just
spreads himself everywhere

and infects everyone

to fight fascism
and conformity.

So the solution to conformity

is forced insemination
and cloning?

Oh. Um...

That's... It was meant to be
a metaphor for freedom.

I just think once we're free,

we'll stop doing
what we're told,

which is just consume.

If we don't stop,
we'll eat the fucking world.

There are contradictions
in your metaphor.

Yeah.

But I am moved by it.

- Really?
- Mmm.

Do you know
that in every person's DNA

there's a remnant
of every virus

that has ever infected
a human being

since the birth of man?

I think adapting
to survive viruses

is what eventually turned
bacteria into human beings.

I was a bacterium...

Who knows what we will become
in the future.

- ...but I never met a virus.
- I think viruses will save us.

Wow, your skin
is so soft there.

Your hands are so cold.

Your ears are translucent.

Your penis is small and folded

like the bud
of a tiny pink flower.

Oh, it's losing its structure.

Hmm.

Mum, this is, uh, my friend.

She...

We, um... We actually...

Right. Explanation.

I am Zan.

Zan's American.

Oh! Oh! I nearly went
to Hollywood once.

No, Mum. You actually didn't
nearly go to Hollywood once.

- I was a model.
- A foot model.

There was this audition
for a Diana Dors film.

That film was shot
in Ealing. I looked it up.

They needed to do a close-up
on Diana's foot,

and they called us models in

because Diana had six toes
on the foot in question.

I kept my foot wrapped
in Vaseline for seven days.

And then when
I took the bag off,

my skin was as soft
as a baby's lips.

Mum, Vaseline promotes
hair growth.

Marilyn Monroe
grew a mustache

from using Vaseline.

And she did all right
for herself, didn't she?

If by "all right,"
you mean dead.

Do you ever see me
shaving my feet?

- Thankfully not.
- Right.

Oh! I love this record!

It's not a record,
it's a tape.

And white people
trying to sing

like black people is racist.

I'm not a racialist.

Pancakes! Let's make pancakes.

Americans love pancakes,
don't they?

Come on, love.
You show me how it's done.

You don't have to.

- Come on, Henry.
- No, Mum.

- Come on.
- No!

Come to Mama.

That is not okay.

Grind it.

Stop it.

- What?
- Looking at me.

Looked-at babies
make more successful adults.

That's proven.

She's adorable.

And everyone needs
that special someone.

Everyone, Enn.

What's that supposed to mean?

- Henry, it's just a date.
- Malcolm?

Well, it's
the jubilee tea dance

on Sunday,
and that's all it is.

Mum, he's repugnant.

He was a paratrooper
in Indochina.

He peeled potatoes.
I looked it up.

Your generation
will eventually

be doing nothing
but looking it up.

I'm a woman. With a clitoris.
Look that up.

Malcolm says that my best days
are not behind me.

They've just begun.

You're not England,
for Christ's sake, Mum.

Well,
he's a right lot kinder to me

than your left-wing father
ever was.

Well, he was kind to me!

He left you
when you were nine.

Well, who'd blame him,
with your yammering.

You'll do the same
to someone else one day.

- I'm sure!
- I would never do that!

Oh! Sorry, love,
the door wasn't locked.

It's okay.
It's my first time at this.

It's taking longer
than I expected.

Hmm.

Mum?

Zan.

Waldo.

I agree in principle

that there is no progress
without deviation,

but you have to remember
that you are not just you.

And we are not just us
without you.

I'm nourishing my body
with raw data

to enrich the Eating.

Isn't that the purpose
of this endless tour?

I'm doing it for you.

Oh, this is not about me.

I ate pancakes which
I am currently excreting.

And I danced.
I danced with

the Parent-Teacher
you are riding.

Those are
unique experiences, Waldo.

You've exceeded your
experience quota, young lady.

Ooh. I lost my place.

Oh, yeah.

You just finish up
this one, love.

I can see you, Keyhole Kevin.

Oh, she's a lovely girl.

Let's go!

I like this body.

Is it a good one?

I like yours.

It smells like butter.

Tastes like salt.

What do I smell like?

I like your Parent-Teacher.

Who, Mum? She never taught me
a bloody thing.

What about the other one?

The one who made
your tree-temple?

Oh, my dad?

Well, he was
a jazz musician actually.

But he never really
recorded anything

'cause he said that would be
selling out.

Is that punk?

Dad was definitely a punk.

He was someone
who never settled

for the way that things were.

Is that why he left you?

If I was your Parent-Teacher,
I would never leave you.

- Waldo?
- Yes, Wain?

Has it not
occurred to you

if you allow her
this degree of freedom,

she may do more than rebel?

Stop.

That's my fault too?

Who else's?

Well, Stella did approve
interaction with the local.

Limited interaction
is my Colony's prerogative.

It's not my fault
you can't regulate

your own progeny.

You have less than 24 hours
until Exit

to rectify the situation.

And then we eat.

I'm aware
of the schedule.

Then why not eliminate
the problem?

- I could do with an appetizer.
- Oh, come on.

Stella,
eating before Exit

in this manifestation
will be very messy.

I recommend sequestration.
She'll soon come running back.

I really don't...

That's a fair compromise.

All those in favor?

PT First?

Abstention.
Waldo, you're outvoted.

The offspring is shunned.

Shunned.

Shunned?

Shunned.

Shunned.

It was like
choral vocals

over a driving backbeat.
Do you know what I mean?

Eh?

It was metronomic
yet tribal.

There's 12 there.

Like... Did Eno ever
produce any dub-reggae?

- Try Krautrock.
- That's where I am!

Oh, speak of the devil.

That music that was playing
at your party,

is that available on LP?

Oi. What you bringing her
here for?

What's your problem?

Where're your other Americans?

I have no idea.

What, so you've been with him
the whole time?

I slept at his house
and met his mum.

And we engaged in incomplete
sexual activity.

Now I'm looking forward
to experiencing

just an ordinary Saturday
with your Colony.

Well, you butchered
my Slits review,

but otherwise, it looks great.

Thank you, mate.

Right, I need you to
push this issue this time.

Like, I reckon
we can sell the whole run.

So, uh, what do they think of

the Queen's jubilee
in America?

In America?

Um, they're in favor of it.

Really?

The sovereign embodies their
collective consciousness.

They haven't had a sovereign
for, what? 200 years.

Um... Their superior longevity
keeps the memories fresh.

Are you saying
Americans live longer than us?

Absolutely.

Well,
why would that be the case?

Because of
the largely isolated

and vegetarian lives
they lead.

McDonald's is from America.

McDonald's. Yes.

Right. So they're not, like,
all vegetarians, right?

No. Not all.

Only the alpha elite.

Oh? Like the president?

Jimmy Carter's a vegetarian?
I did not know that.

I've already said too much.

Surveillance, repercussions...

What, like the FBI?

Mmm. The FBI, yes.
They would be vulnerable.

I don't wish
to be interrogated

on this matter any further.

So I'm just going to
walk away

and, when I come back,
we won't speak of this again.

What's with the third degree?

She's not normal.
None of them are.

Ready to come home yet?

You're riding a child, Waldo?

You gave me a dispensation.

Zan, your peers are
acting out.

The PTs are angry.

This can't continue.

You're just jealous.

Has it not yet occurred
to you, young Henry,

that these people
could be operating

as some kind of
a high-level cult?

- Exactly.
- The code of silence.

Vegetarianism.
Arcane symbolism.

Shouldn't you be touring
a potato field or something?

Zan, you're being childish.

I've been forbidden
to even talk to you.

I bet they participate
in some bizarre sex rituals.

No.

- How do you know that?
- I just...

I don't see it happening.

Well, it's
a global phenomenon.

What is?

Cults, brainwashing,
suicide pacts.

Do you want me
to Exit without you?

Because I can do it like that.

I don't care what you do!

I only have 22 hours left.
I now wish to see the punk.

All right.

Fucking hell.

What are they saying?

What?
That's where we're going.

What?

That's it.
Give me more, give me more.

Boadicea, meet Enn.

He's got something
very important to tell you.

Hiya.

I hope we're not
interrupting your work.

Uh, I thought you might want
to see our fanzine.

I've seen you
at the gigs, haven't I?

Yeah.

Jumping around, falling over.
Looking like a fucking idiot.

Oh!

What you laughing at?
You're Flash Harry, right?

Shiny on the outside,
gaping hole within.

And this one,
you're a social liability.

Not funny.

Why'd you do that?

Are you
the Parent-Teacher here?

That's me. Come here.

Would you like
to take a look around?

Piss off!

Come on.

You need to control
your girl, Enn.

It sounded
sort of Krautrock-y.

So like Faust?

Similar,
but more intense.

Like Neu?

No, no, no. It was like...
It had choral undertones,

like a million whales
being strangled.

- Pere Ubu?
- Maybe.

All right then. All right.
Wait two minutes,

and I swear I'm gonna find
something for you.

- All right, bless, brother.
- Bless.

Maybe cults don't record
their own music.

Although Charlie Manson had
a couple of boss tunes.

I think she's trying
to leave the cult.

Exit. People exit cults.

Or they're extracted
by a deprogrammer.

What, like kidnapping?

Extraction.

Bo-diss...

No.
Bo-di-cee-a. Boadicea.

- Boadicea.
- That's it.

Haven't you heard of her?

She was the Celtic queen

who ran the Romans
out of London.

The first punk.

The first punk was a she.

What is punk, Boadicea?

It's just the fag end
of the blues, dear.

You know, a year ago,

I had Johnny Rotten
kipping right there.

Next time I saw him,
he didn't even know me,

the fucking Frampton.

Siouxsie Sioux,
Dee Dee Ramone,

Ari Up from The Slits.

I knew all of them in the day.

Which was only
a few months ago really.

Sellouts now, of course.

I worked
with Vivienne Westwood

till she fired me for
improving on one of her gowns.

Green is not a good color
on her, let me tell you.

Yeah, they pose as mentors,
but they suck your blood

because they know that
their days are numbered.

Hmm.

Your skin is like milk.

Anyway, the fucking point
is to smash the oppressor,

tell the truth,
be an original,

blah, blah, blah...
I'm boring myself now.

"Every breath is an original."

That's a motto
from my group.

What? Are you a singer then?

I've been many things.

I've even been a star.

Really?

I once harmonized
with a brown dwarf.

A Brown Dwarf?

Didn't they open
for The Shits?

Fuck off!

Quiet. Quiet down, you cruds.

Shut it!

Tonight, I am delighted
to announce

that The Dyschords will be
welcoming a guest singer.

Who will be also modeling...

- Where's Slap?
- Shut your gaping gob!

He's on probation!

So, tonight,
I introduce to you

the erstwhile frontwoman

for legendary
American cult collective

A Brown Dwarf.

Let's make some noise for

Zandra!

- I don't know any songs.
- You just make it up.

Just sing about something
that you know.

Enough of this hippie shit.

Get up there.

All right. Zandra!

This is, um, this is
the history of my people.

Six is the number
of the Body Celestial

Shut the fuck up.

Six are the holy names

You need to shout it
a bit more.

Six are the Colonies

And six their Parent-Teachers

Oi, that's my mic,
you Yankee bitch!

Shut the fuck up, Slap!

She's only a bloody tourist.

I am not a tourist!

They suckled us
Like babes in a crèche

Until Eating Time

Where they tear our flesh

They ate us alive
like the Titans ate the gods

They ate us alive
like the punks ate the mods

Eat me alive, Mummy, Mummy!

Eat me alive, Daddy, Daddy!

Eat me alive, Mummy, Mummy!

Eat me alive, Daddy, Daddy!

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

They took
their children's flesh

Come on, you pricks!

And wore it as a robe

Abducted my body

And fucked me with a probe

Eat me alive, Mummy, Mummy

Eat me alive, Daddy, Daddy

I love it! I love it!

Eat me alive, Mummy, Mummy

Eat me alive, Daddy, Daddy

The Sun grips the Earth
Takes a bite

Spits the Moon into the sky

We sink our teeth
into the ground

And suck it dry

Shit the world
a fat goodbye

But man can't live
by man alone

The fate of a cannibal people

Is one of tooth and bone

Tooth and bone

Eat me, Mummy, Mummy

Eat me, Daddy, Daddy

Eat me, Mummy, Mummy
Eat me, Daddy, Daddy

Tooth and bone

Please, God,
don't leave me alone

Hey

Ha

La

I'm here
I see you

Let me inside
I'll never leave you

Hey

Ha

La

Let me be your virus
Let me be your virus

Let me be your virus
Let me be your virus

And in the end

The love you take

Is equal to

The love, the love,
the love, the love

The love, the love,
the love, the love

You ate

Yes!

Move back! Move back!
Everyone, move back.

Go back there.

This is a moment!

I made this happen!

Get Vivienne on the phone!
Get her on the phone now!

- Did you see what I saw?
- Yes!

Somebody must've dosed us.

How did we know what to sing?

Something mad
about an Eating Time.

But that's real.
That's the end of our journey.

- How did you know about that?
- I don't know.

What do you mean
by "the end of our journey"?

Tomorrow we Exit, which is
followed by the Eating.

What is the Eating?

The Parent-Teachers
eat their children.

I don't know,
it's supposed to feel good.

It's how
we sustain the species.

What?

Stay here!

Don't move!

John!

I think they're planning
a mass suicide.

Amazing.
The time is now, comrade.

Do what must be done.

John,
I found some Krautrock.

Do you hear that?

This was what
I was talking to you about!

That was amazing, Zan.

Where did you learn that song?

Something happened to you
on that stage.

Something that has
never happened before.

Does Waldo know you're here?

You've been shunned.

What does that mean?

Zan, what you sang
about the Eating,

you made it sound frightening.

Wainswain!

Multiple violations!

Unauthorized
manual permeation?

Bad Stellas.

Oh, the things I'm going
to do to you for this.

You're in extreme danger
of being left behind.

We have to leave now.

I feel alive.

I feel opened.

Zan.

- Get away from her!
- Leave him alone!

Everyone just
leave everyone alone!

Ugh!

Enn?

Enn.

Enn!

Congratulations are in order,
my dear.

You are with child.

Fuck!

She's a menace.

I move
for the immediate eradication

of the deviant child.

- No!
- I call a vote.

We don't have
a quorum to vote.

Where is Stella?

- Welcome, Stella.
- Thank you, Stella.

You know, Daddy
doesn't get out very much.

Only for special occasions.

Stella, you know
there are consequences

when you interact with locals
without permission

and it can't wait
until after Exit.

Will it feel like
the supernova manifestation?

Stella, will you
do the honors?

Certainly, Stella.

Isn't that the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?

Come.

Come, my pretty.

In you go.

No...

No, I...

I don't wanna go.

No! No!

Enn!

The Kronos Syndrome.

Who?

Cannibal incest, comrades.

This is a higher level
of cult.

We need to get
the authorities involved.

No. It'll be a bloodbath.

Fine by me.

Kill em all.
Let Satan sort 'em out.

Look, I don't know happened
to you in there, Vic,

but if they took your balls
too, you can leave now.

I've got my balls.

How did you find out
all this info again?

I saw it through
their fucking window!

Now, are you lot with me?

Yeah, course we are, Enn.

Yeah, mate.

Right.

We'll need backup.

It's not a joke.

She's part of an American
cannibalistic cult.

They eat their young.

Enn, all species
eat their young.

Boadicea, I need your help.

- Fuck off.
- I can't do this...

Come here. Come here.

Your skin...

Yes, your skin is like cheese.

Like a fine Stilton.

- What, do I repel you?
- No, but...

When I was your age,
I was pretty.

- Zan needs your help, and I...
- Let me tell you something.

I have had 12 abortions
and nothing to show for it.

How did I end up
in this fucking Croydon

at the fag-end
of my fertility!

But you're the closest thing
to a mum that Zan's ever had.

You chose her.

She was chosen.

It's hard
to be a parent.

You must relinquish
all other attachments.

You will raise them,
teach them,

and then you will let them go.

I wish to stay.

I'm not sure
they could be born here.

We are made
of different stuff.

Zan, listen carefully.

Our people are dying.

We give birth to fewer
and fewer each cycle.

But your children are a sign

that there's a different way
for our people.

What way?

I have a plan.
We must play along

until I can implement it.

Yes?

Asbestos check.

The hidden killer
in your home.

This is not our home.

Mandatory check.
Government regulations.

Won't take a minute.

Do you have identification?

Certainly.

We're in!

Perimeter breach!

Onward!

- Let's split up.
- Oh, I don't know...

No. We'll find her
faster that way.

- Shout if you see her.
- Fuck.

- What the fuck?
- Keep looking.

Oh, shit.

- Any luck?
- Nothing.

- No. Can't find her.
- Bollocks.

Oh, shit!

Zan!

- You must stay quiet.
- Zan!

If they find us,
they will kill us all.

Enn would never
let that happen.

Good thing
you can just swallow us up.

You sprang from our loins.

We are England!

Oi, them's the ones
what stole my arse-cherry!

I was saving that.

Oh, really?

Victor.

We've been
waiting for you.

Gotcha.

What, you cannot be ridden?

I gave that up ages ago, dear.

Herpes and sprogs.

- Sprogs?
- Kids.

Sex is over.
Haven't you heard?

Tear it all down.

Evolve or die, love.

Evolve or die.

It's been a long day.

Drink?

If I could do something
with you,

you might have a future.

Tea break!

Fucking fancy, comrades.

The outcome
of this assault is in doubt.

Zan must be dealt with,
without delay.

Come, my dear.

You will harm
no child of mine.

You're not permitted
to touch me.

I created you.

Well, you curated us really.

And now I will save us all.

Fourth Colony manifests...

Individuality!

Zan!

We feast...

We feast
a lot on children.

And it fills me up...

It fills me up
good and proper,

but then
I get lonely after that.

What's going on?

I feel deeply, deep hole,
deep hole inside...

What's going on?

What is going on?

Where the hell is Zan?

I don't know.
Uh, try through there.

Try through there.

Whoa!

Zan!

Enn!

I call
a General Synod.

I have that right,
once an eon.

Prepare for Wide-Radius
Counterruption.

Ugh.

Waldo? You dare call a Synod.

Oh, Wain, why do you
always have to shout?

PT, you are compromised.

Ooh. Level One Violation!

PT First, the humans
are neutralized. I recomm...

I told you he was different.

I'm an artist.

Brothers and sisters, I move

to amend
the Celestial Charter.

I propose
the elimination of the Eating.

Don't be ridiculous!

The Eating
is what keeps us alive.

What about the children?

Their experiences
will go to waste.

They will live out
their natural cycles

nourished by
their own experiences.

What, and they all
get to breed?

Where does it end?
Factionalism?

War? Environmental collapse?

The answer is yes.

Each of your peoples
met apocalypse.

Have you forgotten?

Each of you were convinced

you were the only species
in the universe.

Maddened
by the arrogance of solitude,

you gorged
on your worlds' resources.

You grew fat
as your planets shriveled.

You eat when you're lonely.

And now, our numbers dwindle,

for holy attrition

was always at the secret heart
of my design.

We shall diminish.

And we shall do it with grace
and compassion.

The parents
will consume the children,

and then
I will consume the parents,

until at last

I, alone,
will turn upon myself

and eat.

No more knowledge
in the meat to distract us.

Only the freedom of silence.

And the universe breathes
a sigh of perfect relief.

Bollocks!

I don't know what the bloody
hell you're on about

with your Swedish
suicide complex,

but you can't just come
down here and insult us.

- Silence!
- Now we may have

cocked this planet up royally,

but at least
we're fucking alive.

We like to eat, we like
to shit, we like to dance.

We like to fall in love.

And we try and fix
what our parents fucked up.

But you!

What kind of parents are you?

I mean, even the most pathetic
poser of a punk,

who'll end his days wanking

on the wall
of his padded tree house,

at least he had a dad

who'd rather
leave him in a ditch

than stick around
and eat him alive!

Enough of this.

Let us proceed
to the gratuitous vote.

All those in favor
of retaining the Eating?

Bob?

I vote to abolish.

- Predictable.
- Fuck you, Wain.

Fuck you for millennia.

- Stella?
- What?

Do you vote
to retain the sacred ritual?

Yeah, what the hell.

The little shits
taste staler every cycle.

I vote to abolish.

Evolve or die.

That is nonetheless
a deadlock.

- No change is possible.
- There is one more vote.

Zan is a mother
with children growing within.

That qualifies her
as a Parent-Teacher.

She is entitled
to full voting powers.

Uh-uh. Contamination
is not conception.

PT First,
I beg you to adjudicate.

You're pregnant?

- PT First.
- But...

They're ours.

Waldo's logic is sound.

Zan's would be
the deciding vote.

But to cast her vote,
she must give birth.

To give birth, she must Exit.

Her brood cannot be born
in this manifestation.

Zan, your decision is between
this world and our own.

But if you Exit,
you cannot return.

You must choose.

Stop her!

Stop him!

Get off me!

- PT First...
- Shut up, Wain.

Zan will either become

a Parent-Teacher
or she will not.

Release him.

We Exit in three hours.

Make your preparations.

John!

John!

John, mate! John! John!

Zan!

It's a good world.

I thought it would be bigger,

and cleaner,

and more colorful somehow.

But still... It's a jewel.

Then stay.

I could be their father.

I could.

I don't think that
they could be born here.

My brothers
and sisters will die,

and I can stop it.

Maybe I can stop it forever.

Spirit, mind, voice,
will, sex, strength.

- Six colonies...
- Seven.

Is that my ring?

It's the heart.

The interchange.

The way in and the way out

to what is beyond.

Love.

I can hear them.

Our children are singing.

Don't go.

No! What are you doing?

No, no, no...

I love you.

No!

No!

No, no, no!

So, Enn.

What do you think
happened to your lady?

She must've gone on
with the others.

They didn't even say goodbye.

She'll be all right, mate.

She's a tough one.

Well, look,
let us not forget the day.

- What?
- Tonight, I take

Tracey the Magnanimous
to the pictures.

So I'm turning to you now,

as you're both men
of fashion and adventure.

Lay it on me.

You got to forget everything
you think you know.

Just accept that
you are nothing

but a worthless initiate
at her altar.

That's how you build trust.

Right.

No great secret.

Just remember
that you're you

and she's her.

And together,

that'll be
another thing.

Fat lot of good
yous pair were.

It's all right, mate.

All right then.

Ride on, you rotter.

- Hiya.
- Hi.

- How's it going?
- Very well, thank you.

Thanks so much
for coming out.

- I adore your work.
- Thank you very much.

- What's your name?
- Emily.

- Where have you come from?
- Um, East Sussex.

Thanks for making
that journey.

Lovely to meet you.

- Thank you, Tom, keep writing.
- Thank you.

Cheers. See you later.
See you guys.

Hello, how are you?

Very well, thank you.

- What's your name?
- It's for all of us.

We can
only afford one copy.

We've just moved here.

Okay, well, I can
make it out to all of you.

What are your names.

Siouxsie. With an "X."

Dee Dee.

Ari Up.

Jonesy.

Enn.

She thought
we should travel alone.

We think we'd like to stay.

We want to start a band.

Shut the fuck up!

That was terrible.
Do it again!

Subtitles by explosiveskull