How to Stuff a Wild Bikini (1965) - full transcript

We now take you
to the tropics,

to the lush and lovely
guna guna islands.

These islands were
once known as the...

[Cuckoo]

Islands...

But that was before
the naval reserve

established
headquarters here.

At this time of the year
in guna guna,

naval activity
is at its peak.

So, let's take a peek.

On the other hand,



not too much can be said
for the reserve.

[Laughter]

Woman: It will be
like this forever,
Frankie, no?

No.

Why not? Here in guna guna,
you have everything, yes?

Oh, yes.

Then you will stay
forever, Frankie, no?

No.

But, Frankie--

only if you consider
6 weeks forever.

That's how much
I've got to go on my
naval reserve hitch.

But after the Navy,
you still have me.

I also have
a girl back home.

Is she pretty?



Oh, she's beautiful.

Then she will
be making love, too,
just as we are.

Dee Dee?

Mm-hmm.

Certainly not.

She wouldn't be
unfaithful.

Why not?

Because
she's a girl.

[Chuckles]

You Navy boys
have funny idea--

ok for boy,
but not ok for girl.

Here in guna guna,
we have better idea.

When you are not
with the boy you love,

love the boy
you're with.

Not Dee Dee.

She's different.

You mean she

wouldn't put her arms
around a boy like this,

or kiss him like this?

She wouldn't.

Or would she?

I know a way
you can find out.

I don't think
I want to find out.

Come. Come with me,
Frankie.

His name is bwana--

best witch doctor
in all of guna guna.

Witch doctor?

Member of a.M.A.

Oh, good. Well,
look, I'm broke.

Is he
with blue cross?

He will make terms
with you. Come on.

[Bird squawking]

Nice, huh?

It reminds me of
my dentist's office.

Where are all
the old magazines?

Bwana.

Sorry. I was
on house call.

Bwana, this is Frankie.
He has a problem.

Name problem.

Well, you see,
I have this girl
back in the states,

and I want to know
if she's true to me.

You come right place.

[Honk]

Khola koku.

Yes, bwana.

Sailor boy
need help.

Yeah, yeah!

No, no. Not that
kind of help.

Boola boola.

Mumbo jumbo.

Hanky-panky.

Recipe.

"4 toad's eyes,

"2 turtle tongues,

"a gnat's whiskers,

"a pinch
of rattlesnake fang,

one dozen frog legs."

No, no.
That's tonight's dinner.

Bwana: Problem all solved.

Get bird's-eye
view of girl
at all times.

Bird's-eye view.
How are you
going to get that?

With a bird, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

How much is this
going to cost?

Name price.

How about...Uh...

3 mangos a day?

No deal.

Since sailor boys
come to island,

natives wise up.

Each day you bring
one pint torpedo juice.

You mean...Alcohol?

Each day you squeeze
torpedo good. Bring here.

All right,
it's a deal, bwana.

I'll be
here every day
and get your report.

Supposing report
not so good--

still want to hear?

Listen, bwana,
you call yourself
a witch doctor.

Can't you swing out
with a spell
or something?

Bwana been in business
a good many years

and maybe lose some power.

But I have daughter
in back room

who's best witch on island.
Don't go away.

I help, sailor boy.

You try,
and I'll belt you.

She may be small,
but she's wiry. Watch it.

Voila.

Daughter
do it again.

We put out decoy,
a creature
so beautiful

that no boy
will look
at your girl.

For a pint
of torpedo juice a day,

you guarantee your work?

Witch's honor.

And now
excuse, please.

I got to make
one more
house call.

Man: I beg your pardon.

[Squawks]

[Squawks excitedly]

[Plays dissonant chord]

[Cheering]

Wow! Dig
that wild bikini.

Yeah!
Yeah!

It ain't nothin'
without the stuffin'.

How do we stuff it?

Easy, man.
You just...

* take a girl
with sunlight in her hair *

* and a face that's
rare beyond compare *

* and a 36-22-36

* that's how you

* stuff a wild bikini

* take a girl
with eyes as blue as sky *

* a pretty girl
with eyes that hypnotize *

* and a 36-22-36

* that's how you

* stuff a wild bikini

* ah, ah, ah, ah

* ah, ah, ah, ah

* stuff a wild bikini

* take a girl
that's lovely as can be *

* any girl will do
as long as she *

* is a 36-22-36

* that's how you

* stuff a wild bikini

* 36-22-36

* that's how you

* stuff a wild bikini

by George,
I think she's got it.

[Speaking Italian]

[Speaking German]

[Southern accent]

Man, is that
ever a girl?

Guitar player:
I hope she can't swim.

Why?

I'd love to give her
artificial respiration.

[Cheering]

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

You probably have a name.

They call me Cassandra.

Then that's what
I'll call you.
Hee hee!

Brilliant.

It's going to be
a long hot summer.

Yeah. Long for US
and hot for her.

Where are you from,
Cassandra?

I'm from a long way off,

and I'm here to have fun
and keep you fellas happy.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, fellas. Gentlemen.

Hey, boys,
how's it hopping?

Well, to whom do we
owe this pleasure?

Well, my name, gentlemen,
is j. Peachmont keane.

But my friends
all call me peachy.

What brings
you here, peachy?

Well, one of the biggest,
most important assignments
of my illustrious career--

an advertising campaign.

I'm looking for
the perfect girl
to go in the perfect bikini

along with
the perfect boy.

These two will be featured
in all of our ads

depicting the new image
in motorcycling,

the girl and boy next door
ride bikini bikes.

Would you mind
repeating that?

Shut up, dum-dum.

And, my little peanut,
what do they call you?

Peanut.

Ha ha. That's what I get
for asking questions.

And you, chicky baby,
what do they call you?

They call me chickie.
How did you-all guess?

Aw, fuss
and feathers.

Well, you could be
the girl next door,

but i'd
need a ladder.

Guitar player:
Peachy, I think we have
something you'll like.

Fellas, open up.

How's this?
How's this?

Sweetheart,

you're it.

Oh, I don't
think so, sir.

I'm not really
what I seem to be.

You're wrong. When peachy
raves, nobody raps.

Tell them, boy.

When peachy runs it up
the flagpole, everybody salutes,

and I quote him.

Are you all right?

You're gorgeous.

Beautiful, maybe,

but not gorgeous.

Suddenly, I'm forgetting

why I'm here.

I'll clue you. You're here
to keep US happy.

Yeah.
Yeah.

No. I'm here

to keep him happy.

Uh, you move
too fast for me.

It's more fun
the hard way.

That boy's sick.

Well, dear,

we'll put this on
the train to Atlanta

and see if it
whistles Dixie.

Hold it still.

Ta-da! We've
done it again.

[Chuckles]

What's wrong with her?

Ah, she's all right,

but when I saw you
sitting over here
by yourself,

I felt something
happening in here.

Have you tried fizrin?

You think
I'm kidding?

I'm not thinking about it
one way or the other.

What's your name?

Delores. But my friends
call me Dee Dee.

All right, Dee Dee,
let's talk about US.

You can call me delores.

All right, delores,
let's talk about US.

First of all,
for example,

this suit, it's not
the real me.

I'm afraid you're
barking up the wrong girl.

I have a fella.

Oh? Where is he?

He's in the south pacific,
the naval reserves.

[Squawks]

Look, you've
got a guy on a
tropical island.

You think that's
a monastery
or something?

[Squawking]

Is that
your bird?

No. What Frankie does
is his business.

I have my
own principles, and I
have to live with them.

I hope you carry
an oxygen mask. You
live pretty high up.

Why, b.D. Will go
out of his cotton picking...

Who's b.D.?

B.d. Mcpherson--my boss.
Why, he'll flip.

I'm sorry. No, peachy.
I don't--

what do you mean,
"no, peachy"? You--

I think she's
right, peachy.

How about me?

Woman: How about me?

How about me?

Women: * if you're lookin'
for girls who are pretty *

* hey, why all the fuss?

* quit your looking,
you're in the right city *

* hey, now, how about US?

* we got charm

* we got looks

* we got brains

* we read books
[Boom]

* we're the chicks
who know all the tricks *

* hey, now, how about US?

Hey, chicky babies,
over here.

All: * if you're lookin' for
someone who's thrilling *

* we are girls
you can trust *

* you'll see,
we can be ready and willing *

* hey, now, how about US?

* we got charm

* we got class

* we got brains

* we think fast

* we're the chicks
who know all the tricks *

* hey, now, how about US?

* now, when I say

* that I think
you'll do nicely *

* I mean
what I say *

* it's just that

* well, that
I mean precisely *

* she's my choice
for today *

women:
* we got charm...

* special appeal

* she's just right
for "big deal" *

women: * we're the chicks
who know all the tricks *

* hey, now, how about US?

* it's her I prefer

* hey, now, how about US?

* it's got to be her

* hey, now

* how about US?

You're wild,
chicky babies, wild.

But she is the wildest.

I won't stop trying.

I'd hate you if you did.

[Squawking]

You know something?

I don't think
your bird
likes me either.

Here's my card.
Here, chicky baby.

Be at the office
at 2:00 tomorrow.

B.d. Is winging in
himself from the big town

for confabs
with the ad toppers.

But really,
Mr. Keane,
I couldn't--

wait a minute.
What do you mean,
you couldn't?

A nationwide tour
with Ricky here?

I couldn't very
well pass that
up, could I?

In the smaller towns,
you might come in handy.

Then it's a date--
2:00 tomorrow.

Oh, boy, this is bigger
than cellophane.

B.d. Will go ape.

Bye.

[Pelican squawking]

Either they're strangers
here, or I am.

Wherever
you are, boney,

you're a stranger.
Come on.

Hello.
How are you?

Jolly good. Thank you.

Hey, you're
English.

Quite. My name's Cynthia.

Well, i'm
Johnny, and this
is bonehead,

accent on
the first
syllable.

How do you do? I'd like
you to meet some friends.

This is Maria from Italy.

[Speaking Italian]

And this is
hulda from Germany.
She's from dusseldorf.

Mighty
pretty country
around there.

Danke schon.

Gesundheit.

How come the united
nations is meeting
at the beach?

We heard so much
about america

and the girls
on the beach.

We decided to investigate.

Anytime you want
to investigate
the boys...

Woman, southern accent:
Hi there. You-all
must be new hereabouts.

Where are you from?

I'm from Georgia.
That's in the south.

Cynthia: Of what country?

Well, there she is,
gentlemen.

Now, I want you
to tell me, one and all,

just exactly
what you all think.

I can't wait
for b.D.'S reaction.

Why, when
"big deal" mcpherson sees this,

his gourd will come unglued.

[All talking at once]

Ah!

All: Good morning, b.D.

Good morning,
peachy
sweetheart.

How are you?

Good morning. Fine.
Never better.

Now, b.D.,
what do you think of this?

What do you boys think?

Well, I think it's, uh...

You're
absolutely right.

Good thinking.

Couldn't have put it
better myself.

It's always nice
to have a consensus
like that.

Personally, I'd run
it up the flagpole,
and it plays old glory.

Peachy, you've
done it again.

Thanks, b.D.

This is going to be
one of my big ones.

Right.
Right.
Right.

Peachy, I want you

to sign up that girl
immediately.

Tut, tut, tut, b.D.
I've signed her already.

I might have known,
sweetheart.

* when it comes
to great *

* I'm the one
who'll state *

* I'm simply mad
about you, dad *

all but b.D.
* simply mad about you, dad

* he's the greatest
on mad Avenue *

* Madison
av-av-av-av-Avenue *

* he's the greatest
on Madison Avenue *

* mmm...

Wonderful,
sweetheart.
Just wonderful.

[Intercom buzzes]

Hello. CBS?

Exclusively,
sweetheart.

[Intercom buzzes]

Ad men: * mmm...

Hello. Nbc?
Yours alone, baby.

[Intercom buzzes]

Ad men: * mmm...

Hello. Abc?

You've got it,
chicky baby.

* he's the one you see

* who can tell TV

* just how TV ought to be

ad men: * just
how TV ought to be *

all but b.D.:
* he's the greatest
on mad Avenue *

* Madison
av-av-av-av-Avenue *

* he's the greatest
on Madison Avenue *

* mmm...

Beautiful, baby.
Just beautiful.

[Intercom buzzes]

[Squawking]

Do you ever
get the feeling
3 is a crowd?

Sometimes it's
a nice, safe feeling.

Yeah. You know,

I'm glad you changed
your mind about
our date tonight.

I'm faithful, not dead.

There's
a difference?

There's a difference.

Tell me what that
was all about yesterday.

Well, I'm part
of a campaign

to change
the image for the
motorcycle rider.

You're kidding.

What's funny?

[Pelican squawking]

What's with
this crazy bird?

I'm beginning
to wonder myself.

Woman: Hi, Johnny.

Johnny:
Operation Cassandra.

[Knock knock]

Operation Cassandra.

Operation Cassandra.
Come on.

Ready, fellas?

Ready!
Ready!
Ready!

Johnny:
* with a face
like that *

* and eyes
like those *

* from the top
of your head *

* to the tip
of your toes *

* oh, I'll
tell the world *

* that's what I call
a healthy girl *

together: * with
a smile like that *

* and lips
like those *

* and the cute
little way *

* that you wrinkle
up your nose *

* I'll tell
the world *

* that's what I call
a healthy girl *

* you don't
need money *

* to be rich, honey

Johnny: * I'd say
you're wealthy *

* when you're
that healthy *

men: * with
a charm like that *

* in times
like these *

* you could be
a star *

* baby, on TV

together: * I'll
tell the world *

* that's what I call
a healthy girl *

I think that bird's
got a crazy beat.

Together: * you
don't need money *

* to be rich,
honey *

* I'd say
you're wealthy *

* when you're that healthy

* oh, with a charm
like that... *

why don't you
join the mob?

Oh, I'm not much
of a joiner. Not
when you're around.

You see, I, uh,
I get this feeling.

Heartburn?

Yeah.

Men: * I'll tell
the world *

* that's what I call
a healthy girl *

* I'll tell
the world *

* that's
what I call *

* a healthy girl

[cheering]

Hey, fella, have
you seen a girl in
a leopard bikini?

Certainly not.

Hey, girls, have you
seen Cassandra?

See that group
of panting hyenas
over there?

Yes.

Well, drive a path
right up the middle,

and you'll
find Cassandra.

I should have known.

[All talking at once]

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
Please, look,

step aside,
will you, please?

Get back, please.

Fellas, will you be quiet,
please? You'll bother her.

How did you know?

I got an "a" in biology.

Bye.

Bonehead: Hey,
what's he want her for?

Now,
that's really a
stupid question.

Thanks.

Well, I guess she's
going to be it.

It?

My partner
in the campaign.

I wish it
was going to be you.

No chance.

There's going
to be a cross-country
bike race,

the boy
and girl next door
against the field.

It'll be a ball.

No, thanks.

Maybe that's why
I like you so much.

You don't
tempt easy.
Let's take a walk.

Ok.

[Pelican squawking]

Why are you so sure
you don't want to be
the girl next door?

I am the girl next door,
and I'm not moving.

It's fun--
bike riding.
Let me show you.

Ok, that seems fair.

Tomorrow I'll
take you for a ride.
You'll be surprised.

I don't think so.

I have
a simple theory.

If you're not
with the girl
that you love,

love the girl
that you're with.

[Pelican squawking]

Whee!

Whee!

Well?

It's wild. I had no idea.

Told you
you'd be surprised.

I have a surprise for you.

I'd like to ride with you
in the cross-country race.

Let's go back.
I don't want
to press my luck.

You come for
daily report on Dee Dee?

You bring torpedo juice?

Yeah.

[Steam whistle blowing]

Good batch today.

Tell sailor boy
Dee Dee teetering.

I wish
I could tell him
she tottered.

Teetered, tottered...

Don't punch up
the information.

Dee Dee safe.
Bird watch her like hawk.

What about decoy?

Daughter blew it
with decoy.

Mix up important
ingredients.

Use one ounce dove blood

instead of one ounce
gazelle blood.

Dove blood, make love.

Gazelle blood,
make graceful.

Boy come along,
jarred her giblets.

Now all we have
is lovesick stumblebum.

And that's
all the plot you're
going to get out of me.

Right in here to my office,
my dear Cassandra.

Behind the desk.
Over here, darling.

There we are.

And then we're
going to sign
the contract.

Sign the contract,
that's what
we're going to do.

Here it is.
Ah! Look at that.

And, uh, oh--
you haven't even
signed it yet.

Excuse me.
Here we are.

Right there
on the dotted line,
if you will.

Ah, no reading.
Just sign it.

There we are.
What's the matter,
dear, huh?

There doesn't seem to be
any ink in this thing.

Well, that, uh...

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's quite
all right, my dear.

It can happen
to anybody.

Quite all right.
Just point it
the other way, dear.

Mr. Keane, i'm--

don't worry
about it. It can
happen to anybody.

Just refill
the pen, dear.

Let me sit over here
and dry it out,
that's all.

I just feel terrible.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

But you didn't give me
a chance to explain.

See, I'm not
like other girls.

You see...
I'm sort of clumsy.

I'm beginning
to discover that.

Why don't you
just run along,
Cassandra?

What about the contract?

Later, later,
later, dear.

Yes, peachy has
a little thinking to do now.

Here's your pen.

No, keep it. You may want
to spot somebody else.

Thanks, peachy.

Yes, thank you.

[Groans]

Hello. B.D.?

About
this girl Cassandra--

b.d.: She's
the greatest.
Nothing but raves.

You've really
zeroed in on this,
peachy baby.

Now, look, b.D.,
I was just thinking.

I do the thinking
for this
organization. Check?

Check.
I mean, check, chief!

I'm running
right beside you

all the way
on this, peachy baby.
Are you with me?

Yes, I...

I'm with you, chief,
all the way.

You ought to be
in pictures, baby.

Peachy: What would
I do in pictures?

No, not you,
peachy.

You just don't
let that girl out
of your sight,

and that's all
you got to do.

Right-o, chief. Bye.

That's all,
honey. Thanks.

Peachy, on
this new account...

I tossed it
off the bridge,
and it bounces.

Well, that's great, b.D.

I want the benefit
of your thinking
on this...

I think.

Well, anything you think
is aces with me,
b.D., you know?

What's the matter?
Is something wrong?

No. It's nothing.

Are you looking
for something?

No, not a thing.
Not a thing, b.D.

What am I looking for?

It's nothing.
Nothing at all, b.D.

Ha ha. Nothing. Ha ha.

I like you better
this way.

I told you
that derby and
gray flannel suit

wasn't the real me.

I'm glad.
It's good chicken.

Fried it myself,
me and the colonel.

Maybe if we give
your bird some,
it'll fly away.

He's beginning
to bother me, too.

[Squawks]

There you are, boss.

Not me. Him, him.

Get off.

[Squawking]

[Speaking German]

[Speaking Italian]

Terribly spiffy,

don't you know?

That's
a funny game.

Yeah.
Cycles is better.

Them beach bums is back,

and this time,
they got to go, right?

Right.
Right.
Right.

Whoa. Only not
all of them got to go.

Well, here we are
at the beach,

the solution to
all of our problems.

Come along, my dear.

Woo!

Ooh! Ooh!

Glasses!

Why me?

Why me all the time, huh?

[Spits]

Fix them. Fix them.

[Giggles]

She's nifty, right?

Men: Right.

Here
we go again.

Woman: He adores her.

I think I adore her.

[Chuckles]

That girl,
she's my kind of people.

Yeah, boss. Looks
like you two were
made for each other.

Listen, j.D.,
you and puss

find out who
the little guy is

with the funny hat
and the girl.

Find out who
they are and what
they do, right? Ok.

Turn them over.

Let's get out of here.

I'm all right,
I think. Yeah.

Johnny: You all right?

Oh, sure. Sure, one of US
is all right, I think.

See, I have
a problem.

You have a problem?
You ought to know
about my problem.

Now, listen, everybody,

Cassandra here
lacks something,

even though
it might not show.

Now, I thought
that, maybe, you,
being young and athletic,

you might help her.
You understand?

Sure, we can.
Right, gang?

Anything for
you, peachy.

Bonehead: Sounds
like a full-time job,
and I'm full-time.

Come on, Cassandra.
First we'll teach you
how to surf.

That sounds marvy.
Come on.

Yeah, that sounds peachy.

You can use this one,
Cassandra.

Oh, thank you.

Oh!

Oh, sorry.

That's all right.
It happens all--

Cassandra.

Yes. Ooh.

Oh! Ow!

Cassandra: Mr. Keane,
sorry. I guess
I'm just hopeless.

Well, what makes you
so hopeless?

I don't know. I think
it has something
to do with boys.

They make me nervous.

They make you
nervous?

Look, girls, girls,

you're looking
at a man with
a tremendous problem.

Look--Cassandra--
couldn't you help to make
her more like you?

I mean, you know,
make her so that she, uh...

Could you give me
some help?

No chance.

If Cassandra
is clumsy,

let's keep her
that way.

Come on.
Let's go see.

[Squawking softly]

Hey, what about him?

Oh, he'll be
all right. She hit
him in the head.

Peachy: Lookit, girls,
you got to help me.

You're looking
at a desperate man.

Dee Dee: You're being
shortsighted, animal.

Mr. Keane wants
to take Cassandra
on a nationwide tour

for an ad campaign.

Yes!

Oh, well,
in that case,
we'll help you.

No offense,
Cassandra.

I'll help, too.

It'll give
me something
to occupy my time.

Thanks a bunch.

I could be kidding.

I'll buy that...For now.

Hey, stupid,
what does this one say?

Man: It says...

[Mispronounces]
"Peachmont keane."

That's the guy.
Come on. Let's go.

Just a minute.
Gentlemen,
ladies,

you have to have
an appointment.

My idol.

Me?

Not you. Her.

That's what I come
to talk to you about.

Woman: I'm terribly
sorry, Mr. Keane.
I tried to stop--

quite all right,
miss Simms. Don't you
believe in knocking?

You want to know
why I come here?

No.

I'm glad
you asked
that question.

Because when
that girl
goes on tour

as america's
ideal youth...

I, Eric Von zipper,
am going with her.

Oh, oh, that's wonderful.

She is my idol,
while I am my ideal.

And when
I win the cycle
cross-country race,

I will then have
a new, uh...

Puss and boots: Image.

Right.
I will then be
america's ideal.

I will be the
boy next door.

Next door to San Quentin.
Ha ha ha.

Tell him.

Gang: * he's the boy

* the voters should carry

* the kind of boy

* your sister should marry

* he's the ideal, healthy

* red-blooded,
all-American *

* boy next door

that's me.

* I'm the boy
next door *

gang: * he's kind
to dumb animals *

* and what's more

* and little old ladies

* you'll adore

* he never says "Hades"

* the boy
next door *

gang: * he'll
never be a freak *

* he's just a boy

* you can check
with your sister *

* the kind of boy

* who'd tell
if he kissed her *

gang: * he's the ideal,
healthy *

* red-blooded,
all-American *

* boy next door

Gang: * he's the boy

* the voters should carry

* the kind of boy

* your sister should marry

* he's the ideal, healthy

* red-blooded,
all-American *

* boy next door

you can say that
again.

Gang: * he's
the boy next door *

* I never
do dirty deeds *

gang: * and what's more

* or Halloween capers

* you'll adore...

* I'm an idol
teenager *

* the boy next door

* such
a keen neighbor *

gang: * he's the boy
the voters should carry *

* the kind of boy
your sister should marry *

* he's the ideal, healthy

* red-blooded,
all-American *

* boy next door

* he's the ideal, healthy

* red-blooded,
all-American boy next... *

[cheering]

Just keep your balance.

Great.
Good.

Now, turn around
and try it again.

Hey, great.

How come a girl
that looks
like that

has to have
coordination,
too?

I don't know.

I guess it's just
a little added
something

for the girl
who has everything.

How's our girl doing?

Dee Dee: To quote you,
"peachy perfect."

We put her out to sea
and she floats.

Oh, she's adorable.

Peachy: Here, dear. Let me
have that piece of wood,
will you, please?

[Birds chirping]

Oh. Look, come with me.
And walk carefully.

The life you save
may be mine.

I really don't know
much about myself.

Maybe I don't
have a background.

No, but you have, my dear.
I assure you.

The first thing I
remember about me is
there on that beach

when the boys
came running
toward me.

Did you fall
on that occasion?

Oh, no. I couldn't.

Now we're
getting somewhere.

Why couldn't you fall?

You should see these boys.

When they crowd around you,
they crowd.

Young lady,

yours is a simple case
of malephobia.

A fear of the opposite sex.

Oh, well, doctor,
can it possibly be cured?

Of course.

The cure is as simple
as the disease.

Would you stand up, please?
Not you, sir.

The patient.

Say to yourself,
"I am a normal girl."

I'm a normal girl.

And I want you
to regard me
as a normal boy.

You're a normal boy.

Now, I'm going
to come to you,

shake your hand,
tell you good-bye,

and your troubles
are over. All right?

Huh. That's perfect.

[Birds squawking]

Dee Dee, 2 to 1--
right now Frankie
is swinging way out

with some
native chick.

[Squawks]

Ah, shut up.

I told you, Ricky,
I don't care what
Frankie is doing.

Look, Dee Dee, you
can't stay a brownie
all your life.

It's pitch time again.

It's time you
started acting
your age.

The best I can do
right now, Rick,
is a firm maybe.

[Thud]

Oh, now,
be very careful

of these stairs,
my dear.

Very careful, now.

Good, good.
Marvelous.

Announcer: And now,
here are the kingsmen.

* people say,
oh, boy, you don't
know how to live *

* the only thing
you do in life *

* is take
and not give *

* you got to have
one thing *

* to make your life
worthwhile *

* I got a little girl
who's nothing
but wild... *

now, remember
what the doctor said.

You're supposed
to mix with these boys
around here.

Here comes a reasonable
facsimile.

How do you do,
young man?

Miss Cassandra,
ma'am,

would you care
to trip the
light fantastic

with
old bonehead?

By all means.

I meant her.

So did I. Go ahead,
Cassandra. Dance with
this young gentleman.

Go ahead.

That's it. Marvelous.

* ...To give my love to

* how happy could I be
when I got nothing to do... *

I have to warn you
about something,
bonehead.

Too late to warn me
about you.

I'm already sunk.

* give her loving

* give her loving
as long as I may live *

* because I found
what it's like... *

care to try again?

Yeah. Again
and again and again.

* let me go now,
oh, come on *

* one more time, yeah

* ah, with you

* I knew that I
missed something
right from the start *

* I had a barren, empty feeling
deep in my heart *

* I found a little girl
to give my love to *

* how happy can I be
when I got nothing to do
but give her loving? *

* give her loving
from the bottom
of my heart *

* I give her, give her,
give her loving *

* give her loving
from the very start *

* I give her loving,
yeah, yeah, *

* yeah, yeah, yeah

* I found what
it's like to give *

hey!

Kingsmen: Hey!

[Cheering]

And now
for a big surprise.

It's a big surprise
to Dee Dee,

who doesn't know
she's going to sing.
How about it, Dee Dee?

Say yes. I'd like
to hear how it
sounds for once.

* you better be ready when
love comes swinging along *

kingsmen: * ooh,
ooh, ooh *

* you better
know the words *

* to that
familiar old song *

* ooh,
ooh, ooh *

* words that say,
"till the end of time" *

* "I'll be his,
and he'll be mine" *

* you better be ready when
love comes swinging along *

* you better be ready
when bells start ringing *

* you better be ready
when love comes singing *

* words that say,
"till the end of time" *

* "I'll be his,
and he'll be mine" *

* you better be ready when
love comes swinging along *

* you better be ready
when bells start
ringing out strong *

kingsmen: * ah, ah, ah

* never be the one
to ever let a love
go wrong *

* ah, ah, ah

* when that true love
comes your way *

* just be sure that
it's here to stay *

* you better be ready
when love comes swinging *

* you better be ready
when bells start ringing *

* you better be ready when
love comes swinging along *

Peachy: Oh, boy.

My idol.

The boy next door
just dropped in.

She is my idol,
right?

Gang: Right.

Madam, it would
give me great
pleasure

to give you
the pleasure

of having
this here dance
with me.

Cassandra,
the doctor wanted you
to mix with the boys.

And I am the boy
next door.

That's where
I wished you were--
next door, that is.

Music.

[Growls]

Gang: Music.

[Music playing]

Oh!

Aah!

Stop the music.
Stop the music.

That's enough
for the first time.

Funny. When
I dance with boys,

I usually stumble.

But with you,
it's different.

Yeah, well,
I'm different.

I'd worry
about that,
boss.

Eric Von zipper
never worries.

Peachy, I was perfect.

Yes, you were wonderful.

Thanks to
Eric Von zipper.

And now
I'm going
to let you ride

with me,
partner,

in the cycle
cross-country
race.

You're a little late.
She rides with Ricky.

She don't ride
with nobody
but me.

[Snaps fingers]

Get the hat.
Get the hat.

Strange fellow.

You I don't like.

Gang: You he don't like.

Eric: And when
Eric Von zipper
don't like somebody,

they stay don't liked.

In fact, I'm thinking
of giving you
the cycler's curse.

What is all this?

The carbon monoxide
commandos.

Von zipper: Stand up.

Grab my wrist.

Don't do it, boss.

Now, you try to stop me,
but you won't be able to

because Eric Von zipper
has muscles of steel
from cycling.

I'm just going
to point this finger
at your temple.

I'm going
to give you a...

My money's on you, Rick.

Like this?

The boss done it again--
give himself the finger.

Let's get him
out of here.

He's fragile.
Don't break him.

Get his leg.
Eric Von zipper
will return.

[Squawking]

What was that
all about?

It's a long story.

Maybe if I gave you
the cycler's curse,

maybe then you'd--

I'm not that much
of a brownie, Rick.

Prove it.

How?

Well, there's
a moon out there

and a beach
and the ocean.

But you know what's
not out there?

US.

Why don't you
try asking?

Consider yourself
asked.

Consider yourself
asked.

Watch it, there.
Don't hit US, Mike.

He's really
out this time.

Let's put him
on the table.

Yeah.

Oh, why always tilt?!

[Pinball machine
clicking and buzzing]

Hey, say that again!

Tilt!

The magic word!

[Ship horn]

Where am I?

I'm glad I asked
that question

because now I know
where I am.

Hey, where's
south Dakota slim,

the guy that's
always around here?

I drummed him out.

Yeah? Who are you?

I'm slim's mean brother--

north Dakota Pete.

There ain't nobody
meaner than old slim.

Nah! He didn't
even like me.
He was that mean.

In our family,
we call slim "baby Alice."

He was the sissy
of the family.

What's slim
doing now?

He's social director
at a...

[Crrrk]

Suicide club.

That sounds
pretty mean.

You think that's mean?

When I was a kid in school,
you know what I used to do

to the little girls
sitting in front of me?

Sure. You used to take
their pigtails and stick
them in the inkwell.

Uh-uh. I used to
stick the whole girl
in the inkwell.

[Diabolical laughter]

That is mean.

Yeah,
it ain't nice.

Hey, you want
to play me one
for pin money?

No. I'm too mad.
I don't know.

Aw! What's
bugging ya, boobie?

That fancy cycle fella
made him give himself
the finger.

Oh! You want this boobie
taken care of?

[Opens knife]

You would do that
for me?

Old Pete's got ideas!

Those that ain't vile
are foul!

[Laughing]

Ah, we've really
got it made.

The moon, the stars,
the ocean. You and I.

There's just
one thing missing,

and by happy
coincidence, this is
my pad right here.

Well, you can't
beat that for luck.

Care to see it?

Why not? I've never
been to Japan before.

[Squawking]

Old Japanese custom
for modern Japanese house.

[Squawks]

Shall we?

Wow! It's colorful.

You really have brought
a bit of the orient
to the shores of Malibu.

Well, it's humble,
but I call it home.

Upstairs for living...

Downstairs for...

Really living.

You must do
very well here.

You said it.

I mean, uh,
you said it; I didn't.

Um...

[Soft music playing]

Like it?

That's the kind of music
a girl should run from.

But I'm staying.
Strike one on me.

Care for a drink?

Coke, if you have it.

Strike one on me.

Uh...we, uh...

We may as well
be comfortable.

Ah! You have
everything here but
food to take out.

Wait till you read
your fortune cookie.
It's rigged.

You got good news for me
today, bwana baby?

Call me
by my full name:
Bwana chicky baby.

Sorry.

[Steam whistle blowing]

Khola koku.

Yes, master.

Stir.

Stop.

Stand back.

Torpedo juice
real witches' brew.

Dee Dee...

Uh-oh. Looks bad.

[Soft music playing]

To the night and
the music and US.

[Pelican squawking]

Point killer.

Why don't you
throw him a fish?
Maybe he'll go away.

Very funny, but I'll
throw him something.

Rick, don't!
That's not nice.

It's just a poor,
helpless pelican.

You sure this isn't
your bird?

Brownie's honor.

[Pelican squawking]

How'd you get in here?
This place is sealed
and soundproofed!

Birdie! Birdie, come on.
Fly away, birdie.

Birdie? Nice birdie.
Birdie. Bird--

come on.
You dirty bird, fly!

Fish, you said.
I'll give him a fish.

[Squawks]

[Gulp]

[Squawking]

Well!

Well, that takes
care of that.

Now, where...

Hey, where
are you going?

Home. The pelican
changed my mind.

That dirty bird.

You, uh,
forgot your shoes.

I'll pick them up
in the morning--
in broad daylight.

The whole crazy
evening shot,

not to mention a can
of imported sardines.

Bwana: Dee Dee
almost goofed.

Oh, goody!

But not quite.

Bird save day.

Oh, pooh!

Want a slug
of torpedo juice?

Me khola koku.
Me good girl.

Oh, a little slug
won't mean anything.

Ahh!

Me tanda layo.

Me ba girl!

We're going to have to get
this show on the road.

Otherwise, my name isn't
"big deal" mcpherson.

Yes, b.D.

You signed the girl.
I didn't.
Remember that.

That's right.
I signed her, b.D.
That's right.

And we're not going
to let this fall through,
are we?

Yes, sir. I mean,
no, no, sir.

If this Von zipper character
is the only boy that
Cassandra does relate to,

then we've got to change
his image.

What?

You're going to have to
change his image,

or I'm going to run
you up the flagpole
at half-mast,

and don't you forget it!

Yes, sir. Yes, b.D.

"And don't believe
the junk you hear
about tropical islands.

"I think they took
all the girls off when
they moved the Navy in.

"Not that that would
make any difference to me

because there's
only one girl in my life."

We ought to change
your name to lucky.

* the perfect boy
doesn't have to be
a Hercules *

* Hercules

* the perfect boy
doesn't have to be
euripides *

* ripides

* brawn or brains,
he doesn't need to be *

* what I mean
to say is, actually *

* the perfect boy
only has to be *

* just true to me

* the perfect boy
doesn't have to be
a movie star *

* movie star

* the perfect boy
doesn't have to drive
a fancy car *

* fancy car

* fame nor wealth
he doesn't need,
you see *

* what I mean
to say is, actually *

* the perfect boy
only has to be *

* faithful

* true and faithful to me

girls: Oh, yeah!

Dee Dee: Hi, animal.

Come over here.
I've got another tune
you should hear.

Oh. See you later,
girls.

Girls: Bye!

You're not going
to like this, but not
knowing would be worse.

It's a letter
Frankie sent to Mike.

It's quite
a different tune.

"The girl shortage here
is terrible.

"Imagine, only 6 girls
to every guy.

"I personally have
4 gorgeous native girls

"working
for me in my hut.

One cooks,
one sews, and one
does the laundry."

That's only 3.

That's right.

Men!
They're all beasts!

Yeah. And isn't it
wonderful?

Look, Dee Dee, if
you can't beat 'em,
join 'em.

You're absolutely right,
animal, and I'm not
going to cook, sew,

or do the laundry!

What are you
doing here?

I should ask you
the same question.
I was here first.

Dee Dee:
About this girl--

I can explain.

Don't bother.
You men are all alike.

Look, I can't
spend all my life
chasing you around.

Speaking of chasing...

Ricky: Now, now, Dee Dee.
No violence, now!

Look, Michelle,
you run along,

and I'll talk
to you later and--

What's this all about?

I changed my mind.
Have my kimono
ready at 7:00.

I say she makes it.

I say she don't.

All right.
Put your knife
where your mouth is.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha ha!

So what's the matter?
Can't a fella improve
his image now and then?

Hey, why ain't you--
ahem--aren't you out

destroying
that Ricky fella?

Old Pete
strikes at night.

Ha ha ha!

Ow!

Hey, boss,
what happened?

I added to my image.
I am not only
the boy next door,

but I am the typical
young businessman
on his way up.

On his way out!

The king is dead.
We ain't got no
leader no more, right?

All: Right!

Hey!

Hey!

Wait a minute.

I am still your leader,
and I'll tell you why.

* if there's
an image to preserve *

* the right to that image
I reserve *

* and so

* let's go

* follow your leader

* what is
this new deal? *

* follow your leader

* boss, are you for real?

* ain't it nice?
Ain't it sweet? *

* I'm dressed square,
but it's so neat *

* follow
our leader *

* oh, I am my ideal

* now that you all
have seen the light *

* now you must change,
is that not right? *

right!
Right!

* and so

* let's go!

* follow your leader

* he's got new appeal

* follow your leader

* nifty's how we feel

* nifty's not
my word no more *

* I prefer je t'adore *

* follow our leader

* oh, I am my ideal

* je suis tres enchante

* d'etre pouvoir
parler francais *

* follow your leader

* he is his ideal

* follow your leader

* he's too much,
we feel *

* ain't it great?
Ain't it grand? *

* I feel like
a brand-new man *

* follow our leader

* follow your leader

* he
* I

* is
* am

* his
* my

* ideal

right?
Right!

Aaah!

[Splash]

Why me?

Why me all the time?

Bring?

Brung.

[Steam whistle blowing]

White man make
heap good firewater.

Get m and I'm not
even an Indian.

What's the news today,
bwana?

Brew all mixed up
heap crazy.

I go see daughter.

News bad.

Dee Dee very shaky,
ready to make plunge.

Best news
I've heard in weeks!

[Hiccup]

It's really
that bad?

Mm-hmm.

You sure
bwana wasn't full
of torpedo juice?

Only one swallow.

Face it, Frankie,
you've only got a week
left of your reserve.

It looks as though
Dee Dee doesn't have
any left of hers.

You can't say that
about her.

I didn't.
It came straight
from bwana's daughter.

What am I
going to do?

Here I am,
stuck out here...

With me.

With you.

Well...

It's better than
a kick in the head,
boobie.

Now, where were we
when I was so rudely
interrupted

by that big,
big point killer
last night?

Just about right here.

* here we are

* the two of US

* with your lips
close to mine *

* if it's
gonna happen *

* your lips will
do just fine *

* here we are
alone at last *

* with your hands
holding mine *

* if it's
gonna happen *

* your hands
will do just fine *

* maybe the dream
that I dreamed of *

* didn't quite come true

* but, baby

* if I'm falling in love

* I'm glad that it's
with you *

* here we are

* the two of US

* now, this must be
the time *

* if it's gonna happen

* we're gonna do just fine

* if it's gonna happen

* we're gonna do

* just fine

want to buy
a brownie outfit cheap?

[Pete laughing]

Old Pete's
got ya, boobie!

What are you
going to do with me?

This.

Oh! Come on,
fight fair.

Pete: Aaah!

Oh, that's the name
of the game, huh?

Oh!

[Birds chirping]

Thanks, boobie.

Ricky! I'm sorry!

[Pete laughing]

That's all right. I...

I guess this
just isn't my night.

Oh! Don't worry.
There'll be
other nights.

I hope so.

I want to congratulate
you, peachy.

You've taken this cross-
country race thing

off the launching pad
right into orbit.

It's celestial.

Thanks, b.D.
Ha ha!

Our boy Ricky
wouldn't have
stood a chance

against a pro like
Von zipper.

On the other hand,
we'd have been sunk

if a leather jacket
had won it.

That's why I had to change
Von zipper's image.

He's the perfect
winner image now because
his image is just like yours.

That's the kind
of image I like--

clean-cut, American,
a born winner,

no matter what you
have to do to win.

But what if Von zipper
doesn't win?

Oh, there's not
a chance he won't win.

I've got a little
insurance policy
going for US.

You know,
a little, uh...

Connivery.

I knew you were
my kind of an ad man

the minute you stole
your first account

from those thieves
at b.V.D. And u.

Thanks, b.D.
Ha ha!

Well, I must be off.

Pete: Here's one of them
road forks with a sign
saying "turn right."

Old Pete's painted
the back side
of that sign,

so when Ricky
comes along, one of you
boobies twists it,

and it reads "turn left,"
right?

Right.

Over here is a ditch
that I covered over

with straw and dirt.

Now, when Ricky hits it,
down he goes.

But what
if he gets out?

You're interrupting
old Pete.

I got a tiger
tied up down there.

There'll be a tiger
in his tank, boobie.

But what about Dee Dee?

She'll be riding
with Ricky.

I don't like the idea
of a girl being eaten
by a tiger.

Me, neither.
It ain't nice.

Don't worry, ladies.
This tiger only likes boys.

There's a tripwire.

Here's a smokescreen,

an oil slick,

a fake bridge,
and over here...

A large painting.

A farmer in
a horse-drawn cart

pulling a load of hay
across the road.

Oh, a painted
murial!

Yeah. Painted on paper.

And Ricky goes around it

and Von zipper through it.

Let's see.
Did I forget anything?

Oh, yeah.

That looks like
a road, right?

Right.

It ain't.

That's a barn with
a road painted on it.

And when Ricky hits it--

[smacks fist]

Good-bye, farewell!

And then our leader,
Eric Von zipper,
wins the race.

You just ain't
whistlin' Dixie.

Now, anybody else
got any ideas?

Yeah. How about we just
shoot this fella Ricky?

Old Pete don't like
that idea, boobie.

That's illegal.

Oh.

Uh, say that again.

Look, I'm going to say it
one more time.

I want you to listen!

Now, when you get
to the ditch--

the ditch,
you understand me?

The ditch that's
covered with straw,

ditch covered with straw--
what is it you do?

I cross that bridge
when I come to it.

No, no! No, you don't.
You go around it.

I go around it.

Right.

Otherwise you're
down in the pit
without a pendulum.

Now, listen to me.

Now, what about
the road signs?

I change them.

No! No, you don't
change the road signs.

No. J.D. And the rats
change those.

Rick, he goes the wrong way,
and you go the right way,
you understand?

You go the right way,
right?

Right.

Right.

Now...

What is it you do when
you get to this road?

Oh.

That looks
like a shortcut.
I'll take it.

It ain't
no shortcut.
It's a barn...

Boobie.

It's a barn boobie.

Right.
Then I won't take it.

Good thinking, boss.

Oh, that's my new image--
thanks to you, peachmont.

My name is peachy.

Just so your new image
don't fall down
into no traps,

old Pete's got
something else.

We're going to have
walkie-talkies
all around,

just to keep you
reminded.

And then you're going to
have a little receiver
inside your helmet

where your brain's
supposed to be.

You know, for a low-down,
good-for-nothing louse,

he's a very nice fella.

He's...

Thanks.

[Engines revving]

Remember, I've got
everything on the line
for Von zipper to win.

He'll win, chief.
You have my word.

If he doesn't,
I'll have your key
to the executive washroom.

Just hang on.

Who said blondes
have all the fun?

Hold me a little tighter.

Aah! Ha ha!

Only don't tickle.

Oh!

Are you ready?
Number 14, are you ready?

111, you ready?

Hey, boobie,
there's a fiver

if you aim that derringer
at old Ricky over there.

W-Wouldn't be
ethical.

You keep your ethicals,
I'll keep my five.

All right.

[Gun fires]

Dee Dee: Ricky, look out!

[Brakes squealing]

Look!

Aah!

No!

Don't worry!
It's a fake
made out of paper!

Pete told me
all about it!

[Horse whinnying]

Ow! Ow! Stop it!

Oh!

Aah!

[Motorcycle approaching]

Watch out for
the oil slick, boss!

Watch out for
the oil slick, boss!

Don't talk nuts to me!
Can't you see I'm busy?

I didn't say anything!

Ok, but don't do it
no more!

Whoa!

Aaah!

Aaah!

Aah! Whoa!

Oh! Oh!

Let's go! Come on! Go!

Let's go!

Just hang on!

Aah!

[Tiger growling]

Von zipper:
Shoo, pussycat.

Shoo!

Shoo!

[Tiger growling
and Von zipper yelling "shoo"]

[Pussycat meows]

That's what I call
an insult. Humph!

Von zipper: Charge!

Aaah!

[Engine running underwater]

[Engine running underwater]

Von zipper:
Come back with that bike!
Where are you going?

I'm the driver!
Come back with that bike!

Wait for me!

Why me?

Why me all the time?

Aaah!

Von zipper: Charge!

[Confused shouting]

[Engine running underwater]

Dee Dee and Ricky:
Help! Help! Let me out of here!

Biker: Come on,
let's hit it!

Von zipper: Oh!

Look out!

Hang on!
We're going
up the hill!

[Crowd cheering]

Number 13, the winner.

Mr. Eric Von zipper
and miss Cassandra!

[Everyone cheering]

We now declare them
"the boy and girl
next door."

Official:
Oh, wait, no.

This disqualifies
Von zipper.

Hold it.

What do you mean that
disqualifies Von zipper?

What do you mean?

He didn't drive across
the finish line.

Ah! Ah,
Dee Dee and Ricky.

The new boy and girl
next door.

[Crowd cheering]

And you're the boy
from nowhere.

Wait a minute.

She is
the girl next door.

Congratulations. I'm
"big deal" mcpherson,

and I'm running the tour
you're going on,

because you are
the girl next door.

I knew that you'd
love her, b.D.

Just a little added,
uh, surprise.

Ha ha ha!

I wish she were--

I mean, the girl
next door to me.

If I go on the tour
with you, Rick,

isn't that
close enough?

I'll settle for that.

Sorry, boss.

We done our best, boobie.

Ah...

Forget about it.

And don't feel
too bad about this,
young lady,

because you're going
to go a long ways.

Farther than
you think.

Only--only I ain't
gonna go with you
'cause--

that's what I meant.

Well,
'cause I'm giving up
my new image

and I'm going back
to my old image.
Right?

Right!

Von zipper: The old way
was better, right?

Right!

See, I am my ideal,
but the rats are my idols.

Right?

Right!

I'm going back
to being the rat
next door, right?

Right!

Let's go!

[Muttering]

[Engine still running]

* after the party
when the crowd starts to go *

* after the party
when the lights are down low *

whew!

* that's when
I'll hold you *

* just like
I told you *

* that's when
I'll tell you *

* I love you so

* after the party
while the night is still new *

* after the party
when the dancing is through *

* dreams we will borrow

* for our tomorrow

* after the party

* I'll still love you

It's gonna be
wonderful, Rick.

Going to be?
It is right now.

No, I'm talking
about the tour and
what happens before that.

What happens
before that?

We get married.

We get marr--

you mean, uh...

Uh, both of US
to each other?

You mean...That?

Well, it's more fun
that way.

Yeah.

* ...Dancing is through

* dreams we will...

I was only
testing you, Rick.

One of US isn't
the marrying kind.

You.

But, uh,
what about you?

I'm still waiting
for Frankie.

But what are you
waiting for?

Thanks.

* ...While the night
is still new *

bye-bye, birdie.

[Penguin squawking softly]
* after the party

* when the dancing
is through *

* dreams we will borrow

* for our tomorrow

* after the party

* I'll...

[Bird squawking]

Where is native girl?
She prettier.

Native girl come no more.
My hitch is over,
and I'm going home.

From now on,
you can squeeze
your own torpedo juice.

Khola koku!

Squeeze.

Uggh!

Not him.
Squeeze torpedo.

Listen, bwana,
I need a favor.

It's an 8-day
boat ride back home,
and I can't wait.

Can you fix me up
so that I can get
to the beach

where Dee Dee is,
like, right now?

Too late.

Witches'
supermarket closed.

Can't get
ingredients
for brew.

I can't even
get my decoy back.

I think I'll
leave her there.

Maybe
you'll like her.

But I have a girl.
Can't you help me?

Tell daughter
come here.

Daughter's
a real pro.

They call her
the witch's witch.

Frankie here wants
to get back to beach
where Dee Dee is,

like, right now.

Daughter,
you good kid.

[Steam whistle blowing]

[Boom]

[After the party continues]

[Squawking]

Quiet! Nobody likes
a big-mouth pelican.

Why are you always
hanging around, anyway?

Frankie:
Because I love you.

Frankie!

The bird's gone,
and you're here!

How--

it's magic.

It I magic,
that's for sure.

* after the party
while the night is still new *

* after the party
when the dancing is through *

well,
what do you know?

This is
my pad right here.

You can't beat that
for luck.

Uh, care to see it?

Why not? I've never
been to Japan before.

A touch of the orient.

Now, my de...

Oh! It's been
a tough week.