How to Steal a Million (1966) - full transcript

Sold. $90,000 to this gentleman in

front of me just here. Thank you, sir.

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

number 34 on the front

cover of your catalogs.

Color plate 16.

Portrait of Madame de

Nemours by C?zanne.

Now, because of the interest

in this painting...

we are keeping telephone lines open

to our buyers in London and New York.

This great painting is from the

world-famous Bonnet collection...

sold by order of the present

head of the family...

Monsieur Charles Bonnet.

Now ladies and gentlemen...

who will start this superb

Postimpressionist masterpiece...

at $200,000?

$210,000. $220,000!

$230,000. Thank you.

Now who says $240,000?

Thank you very much.

Who says $240,000?

Thank you.

$260,000.

$270,000.

Equal this record in the

coming three months.

And now, in the world of art...

in an auction of notable

Impressionist masterpieces...

the highest price paid was

for a C?zanne portrait...

from the great private

collection of Charles Bonnet...

sold after spirited

bidding for $515,000.

The buyer, himself a

notable art collector....

- Good evening, Marcel.

- Evening, mademoiselle.

- Is my father home?

- He is upstairs.

- Shall I tell him?

- No, thank you. I'll go up.

Hello, my darling!

Hello, Papa.

- Careful. I'm covered with paint.

- And with money.

I heard all about the

auction on the radio.

We've got to have a

long, serious talk.

My dear angel, it was a triumph.

I could have sold a dozen

C?zannes on the spot.

When is enough more than enough?

This has got to stop.

One moment.

How kind of van Gogh to

use only his first name.

I can sign him in half the time.

There. Perfect!

Not again, Papa? So soon?

This long-lost masterpiece will

not be for sale for a long time.

We'll hang it. It'll be admired. Who knows?

In time, some legendary tycoon...

may be able to persuade

me to part with it.

- You're such a scoundrel.

- Thank you, my child.

Nicole! My dirt.

This is not ordinary dirt.

It is van Gogh dirt.

I mean dirt from his

own neighborhood.

I scraped it myself off these

old 19th-century canvases.

Like this.

It took me weeks.

A nice touch of authenticity,

don't you think?

I doubt if van Gogh himself would've

gone to such pains with his works.

He didn't have to. He was van Gogh.

But you know that in his whole

lifetime, he only sold one painting.

Whereas I, in loving memory

of his great tragic genius...

have already sold two.

Papa, I keep telling you...

when you sell a fake

masterpiece, that is a crime.

I don't sell to the poor.

I only sell them to millionaires and

they get great paintings like this one.

Papa! Police!

What a shock you gave me.

It's the director of the

Kl?ber-Lafayette Museum.

Come about our Cellini Venus.

What about the Venus?

Our Cellini Venus is to be

the outstanding feature...

of a great loan exhibition,

Masterpieces of French Collections.

Not in public, Papa!

- Yes. Come along.

- No!

Wait a minute. You can't

let it out of the house.

Don't fuss.

But, Papa, this is insane.

I'm coming, Monsieur Grammont.

Take your time.

- I beg you. Listen to me.

- Do you see any paint anywhere?

Do I smell of paint?

I beg of you, will you listen to me?

The Cellini Venus is a fake.

- That's a word we don't use in this house.

- It's too dangerous. I can't let you do this.

Papa, will you listen to me?

Stop spraying and.... All right.

Come along, you'll like

Monsieur Grammont.

He's impeccably honest

and extremely dull.

My dear Grammont. How kind

of you to come in person.

- Good evening, Bonnet.

- My pleasure, I can assure you.

Marcel, the doors. Allow me to

present my daughter, Nicole.

- Delighted, mademoiselle.

- Good evening.

There she is.

Allow me.

I remember it as a work

of art, but it is more.

My friend, I express my own

and the museum's gratitude...

for your generous loan, and I thank

you on behalf of France itself...

for never letting this

treasure leave the country.

I know of the offers you must have had

and how tempting they must have been.

One is, after all,

always a Frenchman.

- I'll get it for you.

- No.

Please.

Look, Papa, let me help you.

Into your hands...

- my dear Grammont...

- Me?

I give this, our ultimate treasure.

Papa, what have you done?

The room doesn't look

the same without her.

What have I done?

I'm giving the world an opportunity of

studying and viewing the Cellini Venus.

Which is not by Cellini.

Labels! It's working

with the Americans...

that's given you this obsession

with labels and brand names.

I wish you'd give up

that ridiculous job.

Don't you know you can't fake sculpture

anymore? It's not like painting.

I know about their so-called tests.

Papa, they are not

so-called. They are!

One quick whiff of something

called potassium argon...

and they can tell the age of the stone,

where it was quarried, when it was cut...

and the name and address

of the man who did it.

Why do you suppose

I haven't sold it?

I was offered recently.... It gives

me a twinge when I think of it.

I was offered $1,000,000.

But I won't sell it.

I don't even charge rent.

So, why should they test it?

Did you hear Grammont say

100,000 souvenir postcards!

They'll be mailed all over

the world. Our Venus!

Don't you feel a kind of

thrilling glow in that?

Chills run up and down my spine.

The basic trouble with you

is that you're honest.

I don't say that to

hurt your feelings.

I get dizzy spells when we have

these conversations, Papa.

What you need is a brandy.

My darling, what you must understand

is that I am pleased and proud...

that our Cellini Venus is a forgery.

If it were genuine, what would it be?

A piece of sculpture made centuries

ago by some over-sexed Italian.

But our Cellini Venus is really

our own. So, be proud of it.

Your own grandfather made it, and

your own grandmother posed for it.

For months she stood

without moving a muscle...

while your grandfather

perpetuated her in marble.

That was, naturally, before she started

eating those enormous lunches.

- Back to the hotel, please.

- Yes, Mr. Leland.

Miss Treadwell,

type this up immediately.

Do it yourself and send it

to all parties concerned.

Cancel all travel arrangements and

business meetings Near and Far East.

Remaining in Paris on urgent business

regarding my art foundation.

Further instructions will

be issued as needed.

Paris office: Do a run-down

on Charles Bonnet...

this city, all members of his

family, his art collection...

and particularly the Cellini

Venus, which is now on exhibition.

Have all this information

at my hotel in the morning.

This is urgent, repeat, urgent.

And confidential.

Don't move.

Put down that painting.

Put it down!

- Miss Bonnet, please....

- Stay where you are!

Why did you choose that

particular painting?

It was the handiest.

Look, don't call the police.

Give me another chance.

You see, I was only taking one

painting and you've got so many.

The chances were you

wouldn't have missed it.

I'll put it back.

It's beautiful. A pity.

You knew my father and the

servants were out. How?

It's my business to

know things like that.

Look, if I frightened you,

I'm really terribly sorry.

I thought you'd be at the

opening with your father.

Big event like that....

Anyway, you frightened

me, so we're even.

Don't be impudent.

That thing isn't loaded, is it?

Of course it is.

- Are you armed?

- Wait.

Do you have a gun?

Good God, no!

I'm going to let you go.

I don't know why, but....

I'm the one that's bleeding.

- What's that?

- Iodine.

Will it hurt?

For a burglar, you're not

very brave, are you?

I'm a society burglar. I don't expect

people to rush about shooting me.

Take your hand away so I

can put this stuff on.

That hurt.

Don't be such a baby.

It's only a flesh wound.

It happens to be my flesh.

You have to expect some

occupational hazards.

You broke in here to steal!

Could we keep personalities

out of this conversation?

Fine. A thing like this could

keep me out of action for a week.

Temporarily, you'll

have to go straight.

Look, it's late and I'm tired, and

I have to work in the morning.

You work?

Some people do, you know.

All right. I'm going.

How do I get home? I can't drive.

I feel weak from shock

and loss of blood.

Dear heaven!

I'll call you a taxi. And pay for it.

Is that all right?

As far as I'm concerned, fine...

but if the police found my

car outside your house...

it would mean questions,

and I'm wanted, you know.

I'm really thinking of you.

Thank you very much.

- I'll drive you home. Is that okay with you?

- Fine, thank you.

You don't happen to have

a cigarette, do you?

Here.

Pretty, isn't she? She'll do

more than 150 miles an hour.

Useful for getaways, you see.

The robbery business

must be pretty good.

It's stolen.

I can't drive a stolen car!

Same principle. Four gears

forward, one reverse.

This is crazy. You should be in

jail, and I should be in bed.

All right. Where to?

The Ritz.

The what?

The Hotel Ritz in

the Place Vend?me.

I know where it is. You're a

very chic burglar, aren't you?

Your arm is much better.

No. It hurts.

It's the other arm.

The infection is spreading.

We got here alive. Thank you.

- And if ever I can return the favor...

- Hardly likely to happen, is it?

Now how do I get home?

You see, you never can tell

when you might need a friend.

Good evening, Mr. Dermott.

Armand, I want a taxi.

Yes, Mr. Dermott. Right away.

Transportation laid on.

Taxi.

Gave myself away there, didn't I?

Now you know my name. Can't be helped.

Besides, I have a funny feeling, believe

me, it's rare in my profession...

that you're completely trustworthy.

Just one more tiny favor:

Like an idiot, I forgot to wear gloves.

I may have left fingerprints.

Be an angel. Before

you go to bed...

give the frame of the painting a

little wipe with a clean cloth, okay?

Certainly. Anything else?

You wouldn't like a forged passport

or some counterfeit money or....

You're mad, utterly mad. I suppose

you want to kiss me good night.

I don't usually, not on

the first acquaintance...

but you've been such a good sport.

38, rue Parmentier.

Drive carefully.

Get a good night's sleep.

Nicole, my darling, what a

pity you missed the opening.

Our Cellini Venus was

a tremendous success.

You should have seen the crowds.

- Thousands of them.

- I want to....

Photographers from

all nationalities...

with our Cellini Venus the

center of the whole attraction.

Papa, I caught a burglar.

Of course you did.

But you must promise me to go

there and see for yourself.

A burglar?

What? Here in this house?

Good Lord.

Here, take a sip of this and

just tell me all about it.

It was pitch dark and there he was.

Tall, blue eyes, slim,

quite good-looking...

in a brutal, mean way.

Papa, a terrible man.

Arrogant, ruthless, no

sense of guilt or shame...

or anything.

So you discussed all that, did you?

That was later, when I

was driving him home.

I had to, Papa, I shot him in

the arm with your old pistol...

but it was an accident, I think....

My darling...

supposing you start all over again

and tell me what happened in detail.

I caught him in the

act of stealing.

I kept him back with the pistol...

and I was telephoning the police

when I saw what he was stealing.

- The van Gogh, your van Gogh.

- What?

And I didn't know what to do.

I was afraid if he was arrested

it might mean publicity.

Of course. A police investigation,

that might have been very awkward.

- That's what I thought. So I let him go.

- Good!

- I did the right thing, didn't I?

- Of course. Maybe he was a first offender.

If you'd have seen how he was carrying

on when I was dressing his wound.

He might have got an infection.

The whole thing was too awful, Papa.

Good night, Papa.

Good night, my darling.

Have a good sleep.

This tall, good-looking

ruffian with blue eyes...

he didn't molest you

in any way, did he?

Not much.

Sorry.

Good morning.

We meet only under the most

artistic circumstances.

Beautiful!

You wouldn't dare.

Fear nothing, I'm off duty.

Miss Bonnet. A pleasure

to have you here.

Mr. Grammont, the Director

of the Museum, and....

- Delighted.

- How do you do, sir.

We are old friends. We

used to shoot together.

Wonderful exhibition.

So many beautiful things.

- And so valuable!

- Yes.

And observe, please, the

security precautions...

protecting your great sculpture.

- Are you interested in art, Mr. Dermott?

- Indeed I am.

- And in security.

- Splendid. Let me show you, please.

Excuse me. You see

those tiny blue beams.

They are infrared circuits.

- I have to go.

- Go on. I find it fascinating.

Be careful.

Because those beams create a

circuit around the Venus...

and anything that breaks the

circuit, instant alarm!

Bravo! Thank you...

It's the Electric Eye

Detection and Alarm System.

We call it the E.D.A.S.

- Very clever.

- Nice.

I know the question

you're going to ask:

"What if a burglar got to it

and turned off the alarm?"

No. The thought never

entered my mind.

Funny, I was going to

ask that very thing.

Good question.

The answer is, he cannot.

You see, it operates like the door to a

vault, and only two trusted guards...

and myself of course,

know the combination.

- Let me show you...

- I have an appointment.

- Goodbye.

- I can spare a few minutes.

- You're coming with me. Aren't you?

- All right. If you insist. Bye-bye.

Now go away or I'll

call a policeman.

Yours is a capricious nature.

Do you always blow hot

and cold like this? Say!

Listen. I have something very

important to say to you.

Now don't go away.

Well, finally!

I waited at the Ritz for you last night.

I thought you'd been caught.

- No.

- What happened?

I'm only a part-time

burglar, and it's hard work.

Did you find the van Gogh?

- Easily.

- And?

It disturbs you, doesn't it?

Not a bit.

It's a great van Gogh.

Of course it is, but

who painted it?

My dear Bernard, Bonnet has a

Cellini sculpture on exhibition...

right now which is worth $1,000,000.

He doesn't need to forge paintings.

- Unless you think that's a forgery too.

- No, not that!

For one thing, it was first exhibited in

1910 when Bonnet was eight years old.

Besides, Bonnet never studied sculpture.

But he did study painting.

If he has $1,000,000

lying around loose...

why does he forge paintings?

What's his motive?

Ego, vanity, hoodwinking

the whole world...

and having a wonderful

time doing it.

Simon, imagine Bonnet

as a young painter.

Like many others he copies the

masters to learn their secrets.

It is his hobby.

But over the years, it

becomes an obsession.

He learned every nuance of light,

of color, of shade, of form.

He identifies with them completely.

When he paints a van

Gogh, he is van Gogh.

He's Lautrec, C?zanne, he's any painter he

chooses to be, and that is his motive...

and also his profit.

- What about Bonnet's daughter?

- Nicole? What about her?

- Do you think she's in it with him?

- In what?

According to you, there is nothing.

- That's right.

- You're wrong. And you'll see.

Come in.

- Hello, Papa.

- Good evening, my dear.

Marcel tells me you're dining out.

With an American

tycoon I met today.

- He makes computers.

- What?

Well, that might be the basis

of an enduring friendship.

And there he is. Right

on the executive button.

An enormous Cadillac.

Does that sound right?

- What's his name?

- Davis Leland.

- Are you sure?

- Do you know him?

No, but I'd very much

like to meet him.

Yes, he is one of the most open-handed

art collectors in the whole of America.

I'll go and keep him company.

He didn't say a word

about a collection.

Didn't he tell you that he's got

the great Toulouse-Lautrec...

from the Bonnet collection?

Your Lautrec or Lautrec's Lautrec?

Mine, naturally.

Oh, no.

Are you implying that my Lautrec

is in any way inferior?

Listen, Papa.

He mentioned your name as though

it were only vaguely familiar.

Not only didn't he mention

anything about a collection...

he said he didn't like art at all.

He suspects something.

He must have arranged to meet me.

I find that rather intriguing.

I'll go and meet him.

A lovely dinner. Marvelous wine.

How did you know how to choose it?

I own a vineyard.

Well, what fun!

- It's a subsidiary of Eastern Coal and Coke.

- Eastern Coal and Coke?

That's a subsidiary of

Western Wool and Flax.

Fascinating.

What's your growth factor?

Say! You're marvelous.

You're wonderful.

You know, usually I have

trouble talking with girls...

but with you, it's as though you

were a member of the Board.

That's very nice of

you, Mr. Leland.

But I wish I didn't have this feeling that

there's a subject you're trying to avoid.

There is something, isn't there?

Yes. I hate to say this.

But you see, it has to

do with your father...

and the Bonnet collection.

Yes. You see.... Damn it,

this is hard for me to say.

- Mr. Davis Leland?

- Yes.

Long-distance call, Mr. Leland.

United States. California.

How the devil did they

track me down here?

Please excuse me.

I'll cut it short.

- Oh, no!

- Not a very cordial greeting.

I went to considerable trouble to arrange

these few precious moments alone.

- Leave the table.

- It's National Crime Prevention Week.

- Take a Burglar to Dinner.

- My escort has a very ugly temper.

Now go and call off that

fake telephone call.

There's something I must tell you.

- How I'd like to take another shot at you!

- It's important!

Quittez pas! What is that?

I'm going to quittez pas right now.

Either you leave this table

or I start screaming.

- Yes, I'll go.

- Choose!

Just tell me where and

when we can meet.

Choose! And make it fast!

Remember, Simon Dermott.

Room 136, the Ritz. It's urgent.

The Ritz!

Now, where were we?

With my father and his collection.

Oh, yes.

I hate to have to tell

you this, Miss Bonnet.

- I arranged our meeting.

- Why?

It's this ridiculous obsession.

It devours me.

From the minute I first laid eyes

on it, I was lost, helpless...

completely caught up in

this awful compulsion.

Laid eyes on what?

The Cellini Venus, of course.

I saw it last night. It haunted me.

I can't think of anything else.

I haven't slept a wink all night.

Today, when I learned your

father wouldn't sell it...

I started pulling

strings to meet you...

hoping somehow to use

you to get the Venus.

Well, that's it.

- You poor, dear man!

- No!

Don't spare my feelings.

I'm sorry you fell in love with

the Venus. She's not for sale.

Believe me, if she were mine, she'd

be on your doorstep in the morning.

That's your consolation prize.

- Well, you kissed me!

- Yes.

And that's for emphasis.

- Shall we dance?

- Oh, yes!

Good morning, my dear.

- I'll call Marcel.

- No, thank you, Papa. I'm late.

I just have to tell you

about Davis Leland.

Everything's fine.

As far as Davis Leland is concerned,

you can go on faking masterpieces...

as long as you can hold a brush.

He cooked up a big plot to meet me

just to get to you through me...

hoping that way he'd

get the Cellini.

Really? American millionaires

must be all quite mad.

Perhaps it's something they put in

the ink when they print the money.

A gentleman to see you, sir.

On behalf of the director of the

Kl?ber-Lafayette Museum, sir.

So early? Show him in, Marcel.

Must be a very

enterprising young fellow.

Good morning, sir.

I'm sorry to disturb you.

Just a technicality on the insurance

of your loan of one statue:

"twenty-nine inches, in

marble, entitled Venus, by...

"Benvenuto Cellini."

Insurance, on that?

- It's never been insured. It's beyond price!

- Yes. We were aware of that, sir.

So special cover was taken over for

its transportation and exhibition.

But by an unfortunate error, sir...

your signature was not

obtained on the document.

There is, of course, no

expense to yourself, sir.

A mere formality, for once

you've signed this document...

the work of art is covered until it's

returned to this house in good order.

I just have to sign?

And then it's....

Insured for $1,000,000

against all risks...

including flood, earthquake, thunderbolt,

falling aircraft, loot, sack, pillage...

military or civil commotion, fire,

structural collapse of buildings...

and, of course, larceny or theft.

Thank you, sir.

By the way, sir, would you

like to be present...

at the technical examination?

Technical examination?

Yes, they always require it and you,

of course, have just authorized it.

A mere formality.

I believe they have a Prof. Bauer

flying in from Zurich on Friday.

Well, thank you, sir. And good day.

Wait.

Papa, this Prof. Bauer....

Does he know all the tests?

He invented them.

- It's not as if we're trying to sell it.

- My dear, at the first breath of suspicion...

the entire myth of the

Bonnet collection explodes.

Everything I've done will be examined

and re-examined with X-rays...

fluoroscopes, microscopes,

shadowgraphs...

smelly chemicals and

all sorts of....

We live in a crass, commercial

world, with no faith or trust.

We must keep Prof. Bauer

from examining the Venus.

But how? I've just

given my permission.

I've not only put my head

into the guillotine...

I've unloosened my collar and tie

so that they can chop it off.

At least I can keep you out

of this. Leave Paris.

I want you to go to America.

No, go to the Orient or somewhere.

Please, it will be easier

for me, I promise you.

I'm not going to leave

you and that's final.

- Sir?

- Yes?

- A se?or Paravideo to see you, sir.

- Who?

A South American

gentleman, I believe, sir.

Of an excitable nature.

- Who's he?

- I don't know.

Oh, my God!

Mademoiselle, monsieur. I must....

Here it is!

Just as you said...

only greater by far!

I must apologize. I had an urgent call.

A revolution in my country.

Also, some of my mines are

flooded. I must go back soon.

I couldn't bear to leave Paris

without consulting you about this.

- Se?or, it is not for sale.

- But you said you might.... You said you....

It is not for sale!

- Goodbye.

- I can see the hand of a master!

Goodbye. Adi?s.

Preposterous little man!

I met him at the auction

when my C?zanne...

fetched such a stunning price.

Why not? It was worth a

stunning price. Even more!

This will not be a scandal, but a triumph!

Let the experts come pouring in!

Let them bring their X-rays,

their microscopes...

even their nuclear

weapons if they like.

Remember what happened

with van Meegeren...

and all those forged Vermeers?

He drove the experts crazy.

He won every round, fought them,

and then emerged the victor.

He finally painted one last Vermeer

and even that was a triumph.

The guards marveled at the

brilliance of his brushwork.

Even his fellow inmates

couldn't believe their eyes.

And the governor of

the prison, he....

What's the number

of the Hotel Ritz?

Opera 2830.

Good evening.

I didn't recognize you.

You look, somehow, different.

- Scotch.

- Likewise.

I was surprised to hear from you.

Surprised and pleased, Miss...

Please, no names.

If it's all that private, I've got

a bottle in my room upstairs.

This is a business meeting.

I find I have need of someone with

your talents and experience...

Please, no names!

You interested in a big-time caper?

- A what?

- A heist.

You mean a burglary.

What's the score, baby?

Won't be easy.

That's okay.

What's the job? I'm in.

- The Kl?ber-Lafayette Museum.

- I'm out!

Why that particular spot?

The Cellini Venus.

Your Cellini Venus?

Well, it's not mine exactly.

It's sort of in the family.

Anyway, that should be

no concern of yours.

You want to steal it?

Why?

Is it a publicity stunt?

Lord, no! It's very valuable.

It's worth $1,000,000!

I know. There are also 1,000,000

policemen prowling around it.

That's about a dollar a policeman.

I don't like the rate of exchange.

- You mean you won't do it?

- No.

- Are you sure?

- Quite sure.

I'm sorry.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Look, finish your drink.

I have to go.

Are you really serious?

You've seen the way your

statue is protected.

The Electric Eye, the guards....

Well, I was hoping to leave

those details to you.

I'll sleep on it and....

It's too late, the museum's closed.

We'll look over the

premises in the morning.

What we call in the trade

"casing the joint."

Thank you very much.

Look, it's early. Why don't

I show you the real Paris.

That's very kind of you.

I live here. I was born in Paris.

I forgot. Why don't you

show me the real Paris?

- I only have two inches left of this bench.

- I'm terribly sorry.

Where and what time tomorrow?

I find that the most successful

jobs of this kind are planned...

when everyone is relaxed. So let's meet

and have a nice, long, cozy lunch.

Corner of avenue Gabriel,

avenue Marigny, 10:00 a.m.

- Right?

- Right.

Is it those police

that worry you so?

Yes. And these.

But that's the Ministry of the

Interior. It's always guarded.

What about them?

They don't have anything to do with us.

They're guarding government buildings.

That's where the President lives.

I know.

And the museum you want to

stick up is right here.

Very handy!

I can practically taste

the bread and water!

- It can't be!

- What?

Well, for a moment, I thought

I saw a resemblance.

Resemblance to what?

You and....

That's silly! She's at

least 400 years old.

I know, but....

Sorry.

Where exactly were you in the

early part of the 16th century?

I don't know, but that's

not how I was dressed.

Who's in charge here?

Sir! At your service!

Dubois, Assistant Deputy Chairman,

Commissioner of Tourism.

Isn't this place cleaned regularly?

Look at this sleeve, just from

brushing against the woodwork.

I'm sorry, but we have a complete

staff of cleaning women.

Once a month, I suppose.

No, sir, every night, from

midnight until 4:00 a.m.

See they do their jobs properly,

or I'll make a report.

Yes, sir.

- Carry on.

- Thank you, sir.

Sir!

- This way.

- Really?

Don't you think it's being a bit pushy,

starting with a million-dollar robbery?

I mean, we've got to walk

before we can run, you know.

I know a little gallery

we could knock over...

just to get our feet wet

so to speak and then...

gathering confidence as we go,

we could move into the big time.

- No good?

- No good at all.

Next question.

Why must it be this

particular work of art?

Well, you don't think I'd steal something

that didn't belong to me, do you?

Excuse me, I spoke

without thinking.

Why not wait until you get it

back home and steal it then?

No muss, no fuss,

a nice, clean inside job.

- I'll be delighted to offer my services.

- This is not a prank or a whim.

It's something I must do...

- because I must do it.

- I see.

We must look at the

facts impartially.

We can't get past

the alarm. That's out.

We can't tamper

with it. That's out.

- We can't turn it off.

- That's out.

You're some burglar, you are.

This is how you normally

work, by the mile?

I'm thinking. Look at my

forehead, all wrinkled.

What we need is at precisely

the right moment...

some trusted member of

the museum staff...

has to obligingly switch

off the alarm system.

- Couldn't we bribe someone?

- Excellent idea!

- No.

- Why not?

Because I don't know which

guard knows how to do it.

Do you want to see it again?

All right. Here we go.

It always circles around and

comes back. Just like that.

Not now, please!

There you are, sonny. It's all ready.

Thank you very much.

- You, sir. How many do you want?

- Excuse me, gentlemen. I was here first.

Excuse me, sir. Ever

seen the boomerang?

- Two?

- Blue or red?

Don't forget what I told the children. Don't

forget to throw it at the right angle.

That's the idea.

Great fun! Try it.

If you'll tell me what

you're doing and why...

I'll buy you a cowboy

suit and a set of trains.

I want you to take a long last look

at the blue sky, the green grass...

the trees and the river, all of

which I loathe personally...

which is why a juicy stretch

in a cozy French prison...

doesn't bother me at all.

You think you have a

scheme that might work?

You really are the smuggest

and most hateful man.

If you frequent criminal

circles, you can't be choosey.

How do you like being a

gangster's moll, baby?

Now where are we going?

My apartment.

I'd like to remind you, Mr. Dermott,

ours is a business relationship.

I am aware of that. I'm also aware

of the social gulf between us.

You are an aristocrat, and

I am a humble burglar.

Right. There's the bathroom.

Take off your clothes.

Are we planning the

same sort of crime?

You are quite safe.

It's dress-rehearsal time.

That's why we bought all

this lovely junk. Come on.

If it's a necessary

part of the plan....

Are you sure?

Chatter, chatter, chatter.

Do as you're told!

That's nice.

Yes, that's really nice.

It just needs one

more little touch.

Now turn around for me,

would you? Go on.

Yes, that's fine. That does it.

Does what?

For one thing, it gives

Givenchy a night off. Now....

Down!

Scrub the floor.

Crime doesn't pay, does it.

Elbow grease! Scrub!

And don't sulk.

At 11:57 p.m., all hell will

break loose in the museum.

And at midnight, the

scrubwomen come trooping in.

And whatever happens,

hang onto your bucket.

You do have a plan, don't you?

Of course I have.

Now listen very carefully.

My plan is, on the

night of the crime...

my plan and I will be curled up

in that bed with a good book.

- Why?

- You asked me why? I ask you why.

Why are we breaking into a

heavily guarded museum...

to steal a precious statue

which belongs to you?

But I told you why I

couldn't tell you why.

Not good enough.

You're perfectly right. In your

place, I'd feel the same way.

I'm in this awful trouble.

But it's nothing to do with you.

I just can't explain so I'm stuck.

I'll get out of these clothes.

- Don't you dare cry!

- I have something in my eye.

There's nothing wrong with it.

You're crying to soften me up.

- It's not true.

- It won't work! I'm too tough.

I know. I'm going.

Hurry up!

Go on. Hurry up!

And meet me at the museum

at 5:30 p.m., sharp.

And don't ask me why, or

I'll hit you with a bucket!

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir!

I won't be in for dinner, Marcel, and

I may be out quite late, in fact.

If anybody calls, anyone at all...

you don't know where I

am, or how to reach me.

Yes, mademoiselle.

Good afternoon.

Just tell Miss Bonnet

that I'm here, please?

I'm sorry, sir. Miss

Bonnet has gone out.

Out? Are you sure? Her

car is in the courtyard.

Quite sure, sir. She took a taxi.

Well, I'll wait.

Why, hello....

What a nice surprise!

I did go out. I forgot

something, so I came in again.

The servants' entrance.

I'm rushing out again. Thank you.

I'll let Mr. Leland out.

No. I'm all rehearsed, made

up, and ready to go on.

Luckily it's only a short speech.

I must fly. I have a business

appointment. I can't be late...

Business! That's all you

French girls ever think about.

- Well, a minute, a second, really.

- You're in a rush.

You want action? Fine!

That's my mood, too.

Here. Catch.

- Oh, Davis!

- Please, no speeches.

But why?

Why? That's the silliest

question I ever heard of.

It's wild. We don't

even know each other.

- Please come back tomorrow?

- No. Made up my mind. Man of action!

Snap judgment. I bought a

fleet of tankers that way.

- One of the best deals I ever made.

- But I'm not a fleet of tankers.

I'm not getting engaged

to a man I barely know.

You'll get to know me. Look me up

in Who's Who, Dun & Bradstreet...

There. That's it. It's a deal?

Yes. But, no! I'm a little dizzy.

And this thing is just blinding me!

I really have to run.

- No. Relax.

- I do.

I've never been engaged

to such a fidgety girl in all my life.

The kiss.

- Where have you been?

- I was getting engaged.

Come on.

This fellow came when I was leaving.

He wants to marry me.

I didn't want to keep you

waiting, so I got engaged to him.

- Is it all right? Am I on time?

- Fine.

In fact, we have 10 more minutes.

- If you'd like to go back and marry him...

- Come on.

Would you check your

parcel, please?

Thank you.

Just checking on the

accommodations.

Don't start that. Not again.

I could swear that....

Well, we have a few moments

for cultural improvement.

How do we get past the alarm?

Like this gentlemen here...

I'm depending on normal

human reactions.

Blue period?

Regard the subtle harmony of color.

Now, the nice thing about complicated

mechanical devices is...

if they do suddenly go haywire....

Yes. What's after haywire?

Well, the people in charge

have a tendency to panic...

and to run around in confused circles,

and at that moment we strike.

A superb Rembrandt.

Now, this is, to coin a phrase,

the point of no return.

In precisely one minute,

the closing bell will ring.

We can leave with the others

and have a quiet dinner, or we stay.

Then we're committed

to go through with it.

Do you really want it...

that much?

More!

Okay. You're the boss.

Just do as I tell you.

Stand by for the countdown.

Six, five, four...

three, two, one....

Now!

Watch for normal human reactions.

Comfy?

I hadn't counted on there being

quite so much togetherness.

It's the height of the tourist season.

Everything was booked.

This was the best I could do.

He locked the door.

He's locked us in.

It's challenging, I admit,

but doesn't that make it more interesting?

- I'm going to faint.

- Don't. There's no room.

All right, boys.

Didn't you hear me?

8:01 on the nose.

Now we have a fix

on when they make their rounds.

Exactly every hour.

We're still locked in. How

about that, mastermind?

Hold that.

Brilliant!

- It doesn't open from the inside.

- Blast!

However, by a strange

coincidence...

I just happen to have....

Now.

Marvelous.

No applause, please.

Wait till you see what

I do for an encore.

What are you doing?

Give it to me. Here.

Put those on. Get cracking.

Turn around.

What for?

They go on over the clothes.

There. Thank you.

Congratulations! You look terrible.

Can we steal that statue soon?

- I hate to complain but really...

- Have patience. We will.

When? And how?

Now look, if you were a guard...

and had to sit night after night

guarding junk you couldn't afford...

and didn't particularly

like, how would you feel?

Irritable.

Oh, no!

- It's psychological warfare.

- With that?

Turn on the lights. Follow me!

"Ring out, wild bells!"

Look around! You spread out!

Come with me.

Everything is in order.

- Nothing is missing.

- I checked. It isn't a short circuit.

Scientists!

A burglar alarm especially

designed to give me heartburn.

- Sorry, sir.

- Thank you.

Kl?ber-Lafayette Museum.

Senior Guard speaking.

I regret very much if the Minister

and the Madam Minister...

have been disturbed.

Yes, I know it's a very loud alarm.

We don't know why it went off.

We checked everything, and

so did the police. But....

No, sir, nothing is missing,

and the alarms are set again.

I'm sorry, sir. Good night, sir.

The Prefecture of Police.

The alarm bells woke up the

Minister of the Interior.

Good!

I'm so scared.

My heart's thumping.

I just feel terrible.

I'd send for a doctor but I honestly

don't think he'd fit in the closet.

I'm so scared for you, too. I had

no right to involve you in this.

And if you want to

call it off, I....

Well, that's a kind thought and

I appreciate it, but then....

What about Prof. Bauer?

What happens tomorrow when he turns

up to test your million-dollar baby?

It's a fake, isn't it?

No long, involved stories

at this time of night.

Just nod your head, yes or no.

Who carved it?

- My grandfather.

- Who posed for it?

My grandmother.

- You're the first to notice a resemblance.

- I'm very sensitive and perceptive.

How long have you known

about her, and me, and....

Since you first asked

me to steal it.

But then if you knew the

Venus was worthless...

why did you....

That's why.

I'm so stupid.

Explain it to me again.

Funny how roomy it's

suddenly become in here.

We're adjusting to our environment.

What is it?

I'm sorry. It's my engagement

ring. I forgot about it.

So did I. Congratulations.

May I kiss the bride?

For one thing,

whose bride am I kissing?

I don't know. Some American.

His name's Leland Davis.

Or Davis Leland?

They're lucky fellows,

both of them.

Second round coming up.

Just marking my place.

Don't go away.

Find him! Look around.

Pretty soon, someone's going to

get awfully tired of this racket.

Normal human reaction.

Jacquart speaking, Senior Guard

at the Kl?ber-Lafayette Museum.

At your service, Excellency!

Yes, sir, I know it makes a

terrible noise, Excellency.

It was installed for

just that purpose.

No, Excellency,

I didn't install it.

Yes, sir, I know it is

the second time tonight.

It will be rectified right away.

Good night, Excellency.

Now guess who we woke up?

Switch off the lights.

I'm going to turn it off!

Permanently!

It worked.

What do you know.

They've turned off the A-B....

- It worked!

- Didn't you expect it to?

- Pull yourself together. You're a genius.

- I know. It's a funny feeling.

Look, wait until the moment

of maximum confusion...

and then start scrubbing like mad in

the direction of the guards' room.

- Guards' room?

- That's right.

But the guards!

When they see that the Venus is gone

there will be guards everywhere...

except the guards' room.

- Shall we?

- Thank you.

Come here.

Hang on to your bucket.

Stay here.

You there, Nicole?

Get back there.

You know, Grandpa was pretty good.

To say nothing of Grandma.

Now, in the chimney with you,

till the scrubwomen come.

Good luck.

What a night we've had!

One alarm after another. And

telephone calls from everybody.

Who do you think called

from across the street?

Don't just stand there gaping.

Get to your post, man!

And don't hesitate

when I give an order!

Alarm!

Robbers! Crooks!

Get this silly bottle out of here!

Can you give us a brief history

of the Venus, Mr. Bonnet?

Have the police reported

any progress yet?

Did you turn down

$1,000,000 for it?

How did you learn

about the robbery?

I woke up in the night

with a sudden premonition.

I thought it was

something I'd eaten.

But Mr. Grammont,

the director of the museum...

he called and I believe

he's on his way here.

Are you offering a reward

for the return of the Venus?

No! What I mean to say is...

that it seems so commercial

to think of money at a time like this.

I just heard the news. I can't

believe my ears or my eyes.

Absolutely fantastic!

To pull off a thing like that!

I guarantee that the

police are investigating.

The police? Man, where's your spirit?

If we wait for the police...

the Venus will be out of the country!

We'll never set eyes on it again.

De Solnay, I'm still vitally interested

in the Cellini Venus, hot or cold.

Do you know what I mean by that?

Leland! Do you know what you're saying?

You're compounding a felony.

Offering to become a

receiver of stolen goods.

I'm an art lover.

As a public service, I want to make an

independent inquiry to help the police.

Is that a crime?

And if you find it, a

step ahead of the police?

You let me worry about that.

- No, I'm an art dealer, not a fence.

- A fence?

I'll do it entirely on my own.

All I need is an opening contact.

- De Solnay? All right.

- Wait!

There happens to be a man

in Paris at the moment...

who specializes in

matters of fine art.

His name is.... No, Leland, please!

Think of what you're trying to do.

- What about Nicole Bonnet?

- I want both. Nicole and the Venus.

Leland, remember? I sold

you your first painting.

I made you a collector.

I thought it'd help you relax.

It's great! I've never been

so relaxed in all my life!

- Yes, I can see that.

- All right. The name!

The name is Simon Dermott.

He is staying at the Ritz.

Night Fighter calling Dawn Patrol.

Our telephone may be tapped, so we will

conduct this conversation in Swahili.

How are you?

Did you sleep well?

Simon, isn't it too awful?

I slept beautifully!

And I've just eaten an enormous

breakfast. Isn't it ghastly?

It's your tainted blood.

Who? What?

She's fine. She's wrapped up in one

of my old shirts, just as snug as can be.

I rocked her to sleep

in my arms last night.

It's the first time I ever

did that with a grandmother.

Simon, do you think we

should be seen together?

All right. In an hour

at the Ritz bar.

The Cellini Venus was uninsured.

- Uninsured?

- Yes.

But I vaguely recollect signing

something for insurance.

But the policy was

not yet in force.

Not until the technical

examination had been made.

Yes, the technical examination.

Well, $1,000,000 more,

$1,000,000 less.

I believe my father did buy it

at a bargain price.

My dear sir, you are a prince.

I wish I could express

properly what I feel.

Prof. Bauer, I dare say,

will be greatly disappointed.

Yes, and I must meet him now.

Give him my regards, and say I'm sorry to

have been unable to see him on this trip.

Now cheer up, my dear fellow. It's

not the end of the world, you know.

Marcel, champagne!

- Where are you?

- I'm here. We're saved!

- Isn't it marvelous?

- My darling!

- Thank heaven for the criminal class.

- I'm so happy.

You don't have to go to jail. I don't have

to go to America. It's beautiful!

We must celebrate! Marcel,

take it into the library.

We'll have a lunch and again tonight,

fireworks, cocktails, a magnificent dinner!

But not right away. I have a very

important appointment at the Ritz.

- But I'll be right back, I promise.

- That's good.

I'll start by myself.

The Ritz? Again?

You realize what you're asking is

extremely difficult and dangerous?

- Yes, I know that, Mr. Dermott.

- Please, no names.

We may be up against some

very desperate characters.

- Them?

- Those.

Fortunately, I've a few contacts.

In fact, this morning...

I made a few inquiries, you know, put

out a few feelers. Just idle curiosity.

- You've got a lead?

- Too early for anything concrete.

Let's just say I suspect

who was involved.

Ls it, you know, what we're talking

about, is it still in France?

I think so. I think I can definitely

state it's still in France.

You realize you might be paying

a great deal of money...

for something you could never exhibit,

acknowledge, or even display...

- not even in your house?

- Yes, I know. I want it!

I just want to take it out of the vault,

all alone, just look at it now and then.

Know that it's mine, that I

own it, that I can touch it.

One more thing.

Do you happen to know the owners,

any member of the Bonnet family?

I've met Bonnet.

I know his daughter, too.

As a matter of fact, I'm

going to see her tonight.

Drop her! Don't see her. Don't

even telephone her. That's vital!

Any contact with any member of the

Bonnet family would be fatal.

- The criminals would suspect a trap.

- But we're engaged.

You know, you're a lucky fellow. From

what I hear, she's an enchanting girl.

What the hell! The world's full

of statues. Forget the Venus.

No! Listen!

I'll do anything you say.

I'll give you my word.

- I'll call you later in the day.

- All right. You'll contact me. Thanks.

- Sit tight. Wait for the call.

- Right.

- Do I look all right?

- Fine. Why?

I just met this fellow, and he treated

me like I was a leper or something.

I just wanted to

give him back this.

Really? Have a drink.

Good for morale.

Let's have some

champagne to celebrate.

You can't celebrate a crime.

That's immoral.

- You handle it. It's too confusing.

- A bottle of Dom Perignon, please.

It's all right. You're

at the awkward age.

Too old to be a juvenile delinquent,

too young to be a hardened criminal.

We did it! Did you see the papers and

the television? Did you hear the radio?

It's the crime of the century,

practically. And we did it!

You were the brain behind it, but

I was of some help, wasn't I?

I mean, we worked well together,

considering it was our first job.

- Calm down.

- I know I shouldn't carry on so...

it's all in a day's work for

you, but it's my first burglary.

- And mine, too.

- Bringing it off the way we....

What?

My first burglary.

Then what were you doing

in our house that night?

You're sure you want to know?

I'm a private detective, specializing

in stolen works of art...

and in tracing, detecting,

and exposing forgeries.

I am also an authority

on museum security...

being a special consultant

to principal museums...

in London, New York, Chicago,

Madrid. Even Leningrad.

I have degrees

in history of art and chemistry...

and a London University diploma, with

distinction, in advanced criminology.

You're all of that?

Then you're not a burglar?

I was chipping a piece of your

father's paint from that van Gogh...

when you loomed up in your

nighty and shot me in the arm.

- Bring another glass.

- Yes, sir.

I don't believe we've met.

My name is Charles Bonnet.

- May I please join you?

- Simon Dermott. By all means.

Papa, this is a friend of mine. He's a....

I mean, he was telling me....

Yes. Blue eyes, tall,

quite good-looking.

A terrible man!

I believe we have some

interests in common.

You have two gorgeous girls

in your family, Mr. Bonnet.

The other is upstairs, wrapped

in a shirt, in my room.

And which, may I ask,

do you intend to keep?

The real one.

- A very sound choice, if I may say so.

- I think so.

And the other?

I have plans for her, too.

I think you'll be pleased.

Really?

In fact I have to attend to her right

now, so if you'll both excuse me?

Extraordinary!

Is he always so abrupt?

Not in a closet.

Key!

You've done a wonderful job!

You sure you don't want any money?

You will be contacted.

Don't worry if it's not

in the near future.

Right!

The code word will

be "togetherness."

"Togetherness." I got it.

- Happy landings!

- The same to you!

My dear boy, what a coup!

And he's the only collector

who'd never dare have it tested.

How much did you say

he was paying for the Venus, my son?

I didn't say, Papa.

But I'm sure you picked

a nice, round figure.

I have.

$0.00

Gift from Charles

Bonnet to Davis Leland.

- But this...

- Sit down, Mr. Bonnet.

You happen to be a forger.

My business happens to be

catching forgers...

and putting them in prison.

Yes, that could be very awkward.

One of us has to retire.

Fair enough! Shall we

toss a coin for it?

I've already tossed

one on the way here.

- And?

- You lost.

Come on. You had a great

run, and you were the best.

Hang up your brushes and paints,

and retire while you're on top.

What do you say, champ?

Here is my answer.

Indian wrestling at

a time like this?

Nicole, my darling child.

You tell her. I'm too moved.

Papa has seen the light.

He's going straight.

- Papa, will you be all right?

- He'll survive.

If we miss our plane, we may

be getting married in prison.

This is a most

remarkable young man.

The way he explained things,

the path of righteousness...

became clearly defined.

Now hurry, my children, before

I break down completely.

The van Gogh?

Se?or. Welcome! Come in....

Who's that?

Papa's cousin.

From South America.

Go!

For someone who started

lying just recently...

you're showing a real flair.

Thank you.