How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town (2015) - full transcript

How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town is about a group of friends who live in the picturesque town of Beaver's Ridge-the epitome of wholesomeness and strong family values. Their orderly life is interrupted by the homecoming of Cassie Cranston, whom they slut-shamed into leaving town when she was a teenager. Now a big-city sex writer, Cassie returns home to face an unwelcome reception by her former friends, and finds an opportunity to seek revenge by writing a book about them when they ask her if she'll help them plan an orgy.

I'll be right back.

Adam Mitchell...

I think of you fondly.

No, that's stupid

I love you.

I've always loved you.

"You look beautiful, Cassie."

I don't know what's happening.

This is the only thing that you
should be wearing right now.

Chester, have you seen Cassie?

Are you moist?

- It's supposed to help.
- I don't...

I think so.

Good enough. Okay, just... let's get...

I can't get it in.

It's kind of... squishy.

Are you sure you're ready?


I was born ready.

Hey. Hey, Adam. Adam, it's okay.

It's a lot of pressure.

Hey. Hey, Adam. Adam, it's okay.

It's just us.


- I...
- I need to pee.


We could always try again later.


Are you freaking kidding me?

Get out of my parent's bed, you tramp!

Adam? Adam, my clothes are in there.

- Adam. Adam, please.
- Get out of my house before I call the police.

- For what?
- For stuff. I don't know. Whore.

What a whore!

Where are you going, slut?

What are you doing?

Come on, the party just started.
Stay awhile.

Oh, my God. What a little tramp.



Cassie Cranston, is that you?

- Shit!
- Did you just say "shit"?

Jesus, Seth.

- That's my mom's.
- I'll bring it back.


Lana Parker called me about you,
said you streaked through her backyard.

And she wasn't the only one.
All of Beaver's Ridge is abuzz about you.

- It was so horrible, Mom. They all...
- Don't say another word.

You embarrassed me tonight.
You embarrassed yourself.

- Please, Mom, I'm...
- Don't you care what others think of you?

Don't you?

Oh, stop sulking.
Go in the house before anyone sees you.

Unless you can think of another way
you can mortify me tonight.

Fuck, yeah.

Hey, Ellie. Sorry I missed all your calls.
I have your pages, I just...

Cassie, it's your mom.

- Oh, Christ, what now?
- She passed.

Good. I didn't want her writing
the forward, anyway. That was your idea.

No. She's gone.

On tour?


I'm sorry, Cassie. I know the two of you
weren't very close, but, look...

I still need that manuscript
from you as soon as possible.


you know, take a few days.

Go home.

Afternoon, Adam. How are you doing?
You're looking very good. Looking fit.

I just want to talk to you about
the apple butter festival this year.

'Cause last year the judging got
some complaints. Are you in this year?

- Absolutely.
- 'Cause you'd make a great judge.

- You love apple butter, don't you?
- I love apple butter.

Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.

If you're here for the tour,
Justin's taking one out now.

Yeah. Mr. Thicodedious,
have you got your insulin this time?

All right, now, for our first stop,
everybody, it's gonna be the church

that inspired the exciting conclusion
to the fifth Victoria novel...

I'm not here for the tour. I just wanted
to check the place out. It's cool.

Holy fuck. You're Cassie Cranston.

I'm... I'm literally reading
your column right now.

- It's like my Bible.
- Thank you.

That's a good one.
How's that working out for you?

Oh, it's... yeah.
No, it's like... not really. It's fine.

I'm sorry, I just... I never thought
that I would get to meet you.

I saw you the night
that you went through town

with your tits and stuff and it just...

it blew my mind, and every time,
I just get fed up with this place,

I read your first article that you ever wrote.
The one that made people hate you.

And, like, it's so comforting to me.

"Dear Beaver's Ridge, the following article
has been formatted to fit your narrow

and oppressed view of the universe."
It is a great opening line. It's so epic.

- Thank you.
- What are you doing here?

Well, my mom died, so...

Fuck and shit.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to know
who the wills and estates lawyer is?

I do. Yes.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Oh, God.

Nice to meet you. Thank you so much.



- Why can't we show it today?
- The town's national treasure died.

People are super sad and stuff. No one
wants to buy a house when they're sad.

It's listed too high.

In the city, we'd list it 25% lower.
It starts a bidding war.

No. See? There's no bidding wars here.
What you do is, you go 25% higher,

and then people think they're getting
a bargain when they Jew us down.

I'm Jewish.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't apologize.

Just don't say that in front of clients,

unless small-town bigotry is something
that binds the town together.

Kind of. Although we do have
a major that's a Paki.

So... or Paki... He's a Paki... Pakistan.
Pakistan... Pakistani.

Is that what you call those people?

Look, the main selling point
of all the homes in Beaver's Ridge,

is that you're coming
to a community, you know?

It's wholesome, those family values.

You know, the kind of place you could see
yourself setting up your own little family.

Are you fucking shitting me?

Oh, hey, Bruce.

Hey, buddy.

I told you I was bringing
my new partner by today!

Was that today? What time...
I'm sorry that slipped my mind.

So you're the home owners?

- This is my wife.
- Nah, ex-wife.

Temporary separation, Alice.

Until you get off your ass
and sign the papers.

- This is my house!
- My goodness. It's not. It's my house!

Why don't you get your shit out of it?

I will rip the batteries out of that game
thing so fast, your head is gonna spin.

Stop treating me like a child, Mom.

- Take this casserole over to Maureen's.
- No one's even there.

If that little tramp daughter of hers
turns up, she'll need food.

Did you make me one of these?

This is the house where Maureen
wrote every single one of the books.

Okay, now it's also the inspiration
for Victoria's childhood home.

And this tree right here, folks,
this is the tree

where Victoria had her first kiss.

Also, the tree where Mr. Cobell
proposed marriage.

- Sorry about your mom.
- Go ahead and take some photos if you want.

Thanks, Seth.

Do you play Father-Daughter Warfare?

I have no idea what that is.

Ovulation begins in t-minus five days.
I've given your secretary the itinerary,

and she's freed your schedule
for the corresponding times.

Those are non-negotiable.
3:00 p.m. means 3:00 p.m.

- Not quarter after.
- I'm sorry I was late today.

When you walk in that door, I want you
to be fully aroused. Okay, sweetheart?

Fully aroused, yeah.

- This is fun?
- Sweetie, this isn't for enjoyment.

The doctor said that we need
to keep a steady flow

of semen going to maximize
our chances for when the time comes.

We don't want to be the only 30-year-olds
in town without a child, do we?

- We just need to keep the semen schedule.
- All right.

- Adam, we need to finish.
- That's my work ring though.

Oh! God, Connie! Oh, my God.

Can I just answer it real quick,
and I'll get back to you?


- Adam Mitchell.
- Hi.

It's Cassie Cranston.

- Hi.
- So you're a lawyer.

Honey, it's super dry.

Wills and estates, mostly, yeah.
When did you get back into town?

Just now.

- The library's gone?
- Yeah, yeah.

It burned to the ground
about eight years ago.

It was a huge fire.
It was a terrible tragedy.

Those poor schoolchildren with nothing
to do with their free time.

Right. So... I need to plan the funeral.

Oh, I did that already.
I did it all by myself...

- Sorry, where were we?
- Everything okay over there?

Yeah. I'm... I'm glad you're in town.


Well, you know, you're next of kin,
you got to sign the documents...

relevant documents,
there's all sorts of stuff, and...

I mean, I just always kind of assumed
you would never be coming home.

My mom died. I mean, why wouldn't
I come home? 'Cause of the article?

Right, yeah, of course.

So, when do we read the will?

- After the funeral.
- Right.

I've bothered you
after business hours, so...

I'll let you get back to your wife.
I assume you're married.

Oh, yeah, actually.

Okay, well... thanks for everything.

You actually know my wi...

Sweetie, we talk about you warning me
before you release your demons.

That face you make
it's like staring into the sun.

A lot of that is involuntary.

You didn't call.

What was I supposed to say?

You will now have a passage
from Maureen's first Victoria book

read by Heather Mitchell, president of the
Victoria of the True North Festival committee.

"Victoria had always been aware,

ever since her first memories,

that she was very near
to a world of deviant morality.

But sometimes, just for a moment,

her loved ones neared it,
and she caught a glimpse,

of the bewitching world beyond,

and she knew that it would be
her life's work...

to keep herself and others from it."

I hate everything.

Remember when you left me here
alone with all of these people?

The sooner I get out of here, the better.

- She just had to show up today.
- Oh, my God.

- It's her mother's funeral.
- Oh, button it.

- I'm gonna go give her a piece of my mind.
- Honey, don't.

Is this really the best place
for a confrontation like this?

Cassie Cranston.

Heather Murray. Or is it Mitchell now?

On behalf of Beaver's Ridge
welcoming committee,

I would like to formally let you know
that you are not welcome.

That is, you are not welcome here.

As far as condolences go,
that was original.

- Did I do something?
- You did something to this entire town.

Right, the article. Is that it?

You may have grown up here,
but you know nothing about us.

I mean, we get up to some
pretty wild shenanigans.

Like what? The True North Festival?

- The apple butter parade?
- Hey, I don't mean to butt in here,

but I will not stand idly by, while you
trash talk the apple butter parade.

- Bruce, can we give Cassie a break?
- Whose side are you on, really, Adam?

Wipe that smile off your face.

You think you're the only one
who's had a little excitement?

Well, let me tell you,
I have had my share of excitement.

Okay. Do tell.

I slept with a black man in college.

My stars. Ever been with a woman?

- I kissed a girl once, I didn't care for it.
- Sex tape?

We make them, and watch them often.
Big whoop. Anything else?

Have you ever been in an orgy?

I'm sorry.

Hey, you know, hon,
it's been kind of a rough day,

we've got a little time before dinner,
maybe we could, you know...

- I'm not ovulating.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

I just thought maybe
we could have a little fun.


No. Fun time was yesterday just...
just like the schedule says, remember?

You just have to keep your sperm fresh.
You don't need me for that.

Besides, it really turns me on
to think of you doing that to yourself.


Yeah, I could do that.
Hey, you wanna watch?

No, that's okay, that's okay. Yeah.

You look beautiful, Cassie.

It's okay.

It's just us.

It's always been just us.

- But I ran away.
- You're not going anywhere now.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Well, the results say that Adam
suffers from "necrzoospermia,"

which means that all of his sperm
are non-viable. Which means dead.

- All of them?
- There's really nothing we can do.

I'm sorry, doctor, I just don't know
what I'm supposed to do in this situation.

After all this time,
I know how frustrated you must be.

The waiting list for sperm banks and adoption
agencies are at least two to three years.

If you want my honest, completely
off-the-record opinion, if it were me,

I would try to get a friend, or someone
I knew to give me a personal donation.

First you folks tell me
what you paid for it.

Then we'll have a good laugh about it
and we'll start "jewing" them down.

- The hell with it.
- Line one for you, Bruce!

Yes, thank you, Georgina.

The Buck Stops here, how can I help you?

- Bruce? It's Heather Mitchell.
- You're the only Heather in town.

You don't need to tell me your full name
every single time you call.

You know.

Not a lot of funerals end
with an orgy throw-down.

- I'd go to an orgy.
- No, you wouldn't.

I can grow a mustache for it,

- or a soul patch.
- Whatever.

I'll have you know,
I'm an extremely sexual person.

- Oh, my God.
- I had a sex dream about you once.

I don't want to know that.

Do you have any idea how many people
I've had sex dreams about?

It's hardly an exclusive club, okay?

So... how was I?

Oh, screw you! Whatever.

If I sucked, it's probably because
you have a shitty imagination.

You know what? I knew you'd be weird
about this. I knew you would be.

You're my boss, dude,
and you babysat me once.

I think. It is actually illegal for you
to be into me, or something.

First of all, I did not say I was into you,
and secondly, I didn't babysit you.

We played videogames while our moms
smoked cigarettes and played bridge.

- So, it doesn't...
- That's what guys do, though, isn't it?

They befriend a girl just to gain her trust,
so that they can have sex with them.

- I mean, why else are you friends with me?
- Must be your shining personality.

Your sarcastic tone is unnecessary.

Hey, Heather. What's going on?

In the matter of the last will and testament,
of Maureen Margaret Cranston...

she has declared that her residuals
from any book sales, which as you know

are still quite considerable,
as well as any assets that she has,

financial institutions, holdings,
etcetera, be used to build...

a new town library.

I'm sorry. What?

She wants to build a library. Remember
I told you the library burned down?

I could show you the blueprints,
if you give me a second here,

because they are something to behold.

- They spared no expense.
- Is this a joke?

No, we're still on dial-up. Yeah.

Town council actually voted
down high-speed Internet,

something about
ready access to pornography.

No, no. I mean, about the money.

- There's... there's nothing?
- No, that's not true.

You can live in the house
for as long as you should want to.

- Well, what would that be worth?
- It's not... I mean...

A lot, but... again, if you
should choose to sell the house,

- go right back into the library.
- So... she left me nothing, then?

Well, Heather actually made you
this casserole, so.

There's three kinds of cheese,
and there's broccolini in there, I think.

Would you mind giving me a minute, please?

- Alone.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Of course.


Hey. I was just calling to check in,
see how you're doing.

Well, you know,
I'm pretty terrible, actually.

- Okay.
- I don't have your book.

- Next week is fine.
- No, I mean,

I don't have your book,
I haven't written anything.

I came back here hoping I could use
my inheritance to pay back the advance,

but my mother didn't leave me anything.


- We had plans.
- I know.

All this time,
why didn't you say something?

I don't know.

- I fucked up.
- Look.

I'm gonna make this easy for you because
you're going through a lot right now.

It doesn't have to be the book
that you originally pitched me,

but it has to be something.

It has to be sexy and honest and raw.

Dig deep.

You have 24 hours to send me
a pitch or return the money.

And if neither of those happen?

- You know any good lawyers?
- Nope, just a shitty small-town one.

And here we are.

Hey, you weren't counting
on these royalties, were you?

No, of course not.

Yeah. Right. Big city writer, right?

It's nice to see you... I mean,

with lots of terrible
circumstances, but...

you never realize
how much you miss somebody,

- until...
- Until what?

I don't know where I was
going with that. I just...

You know, I just didn't like how...
things ended with us, obviously.

You mean like how you ran off,
like a coward and you hid in the bathroom?

Yes, that's... that's... yeah.

You know, technically,
we never really ended things.


And we never broke up.

I came back for you, Adam.

Okay, I can't tell
if you're messing with me.

- Can't you?
- I...


What're you doing here?

Well, I could ask you
the same thing, sugar pie.

- Just... the estate meeting today...
- Of course.

- Is what we're doing, talking about it.
- What are you doing here?

Well, I was hoping we could have
a little chat. Just us girls.

So... you and Adam.


It's funny. I just never really
pictured you two together.

You know, he will make a wonderful father.

Well, sounds like you have your future
all mapped out. That's really nice.

So... funny thing,

I was re-reading
that one article of yours.

Some very witty and wonderful
turns of phrase, by the way.

- No wonder it caught a virus.
- Went viral?

And I was thinking,
you may be right about a few things.

Perhaps we are a little bit
sexually repressed.

At any rate, I was thinking,

you know we probably could use
a little shake up here in Beaver's Ridge,

and I think your orgy idea
is just the ticket.

What... hang on, my orgy-what-now?

- I'll organize, and you can instruct.
- No.

At least think about it.
It's really the least you could do.

Actually, the least I can do is nothing.

Well, now who's being
the small-minded one?

You know, I thought you would jump
at the chance to watch all of us

make fools of ourselves as we delve
into the perversions of your mind.

You know, probably give you fodder
for a whole new series of articles,

"How to plan an orgy in a small town."
If you can come up with a better title.

Unless, of course, you can't handle it.

So all I would have to do is instruct?

I mean, like,
I wouldn't actually have to...

Fornicate with us? Oh, God. No.

Heather wants me to plan a sex party.

Oh, that's fucking hilarious.

But... what's wrong?

I'm a virgin.

So, just to clarify everything
you know about sex is bullshit?

No, that... that's not true. I've...

interviewed people,
and I go to bars, and...

I belong to a few sex clubs.
It's just no applied knowledge.

Wait. Did your father molest you?

- Alice, Jesus Christ.
- Okay.

Well, I'm sorry. I just have to ask
'cause that happens to people.

And then they get all psychologically
mashed up, and then they...

like their vagina's sealed shut,
so they can't even have sex.

Okay, well, it's not that.

- 'Cause you're terrified of sex?
- No.

I'm just waiting for someone I can trust.

I need a new drink
'cause I just threw up in that one.

Okay, fuck off.

Will you come with me
to this thing or not?

Sweetie, you're my very best friend
in this whole stupid town.

I will totally come to your orgy,
and I will totally be there for you,

and I will totally bang
all the hot guys that show up.

That was fast. What's the verdict?

I'm digging deep.

You ready?

I don't know.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I mean... I mean,
can we do this? Is this us?

- Are we... are we orgy people?
- What we're not is quitters.

Now, if we don't go downstairs
and open that door,

then everything that Cassie Cranston thinks
about us and Beaver's Ridge will be true.

She'll think that we're cowards.

Is that what you want her
to think about you?

So, I know all of you are sexually active,

but what you are about to
embark on needs to be treated

and seen with the respect
of a sport. Okay?

There will be surprises. The odd queef.

Yeah, okay, yeah. What is a "queef"?

Okay, it's like flatulence,
that comes out of your...

Basically, you're hammering
large quantities of air

into a tight, moist space,
so sounds are gonna be made.

Next, stamina.

It's gonna go a lot faster than you think.
Pornography lies.

No man can go properly for 40 minutes
without having an aneurism,

and at that point, any woman's vagina is
gonna be squealing like a worn-out brake pad

at the end of a high-speed chase.

Are these colorful phrases
really necessary?

You need to know what to expect.
You need to stay hydrated.

You're gonna sweat.
Which brings me to my next topic.

Sex stank.

You're not gonna notice your own.

But you will notice other peoples,
and in a room full of people sweating,

and mashing their genitals together,
it's gonna create a...


How bad could it possibly be?

Bad. Thick.
It's gonna seep into everything.

Thank God I got these
lovely plastic couch covers.

- So shall we just dive right in?
- Well...

I think this was supposed
to just be a preliminary chat.

Did anyone here think
we were just gonna dive right in?

Okay, well.

Okay, guys,
I think if you're gonna do this,

you just have to rip the band-aid off,
and do it. You know?


- Heather, do you have an egg timer?
- Yes, I do. Yeah.

That way we can set
the timer for 5 minutes

and give everybody a chance
to switch it up, if they want to.


All right, we're gonna kick it old-school.

Gentlemen, put your keys in the bowl.

- Yeah.
- I walked here, can I use fishing license?

- How do you not have keys?
- Who locks their door?

So my choices are Adam, or Bruce.

Can't have sex with Adam.
He's your husband.

Right, I mean,
why would you want to sleep with me?

- You're right.
- I was kidding.

Okay, Bruce. Let's make the best of it.

A little less enthusiasm, please.

- How are we not already having sex?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just...

- You... you're really beautiful.
- I'm sorry.

It's okay. You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna close my eyes,

and I'm just gonna imagine that you
have leprosy. Otherwise, this is gonna...

And that's not...

You shouldn't tell people that.

No... okay. Just give me a second.
Give me a second.

Okay, I'm good now. I'm good. Nope. Nope.

- That's my jawbone. Yeah.
- Oh, so defiant.

Slow it down, slow it way down.
Slow it way down.


- Oh, my God, your lips.
- My lips?

They're so soft. What do you put on them?

Well, wine. Wine, mostly.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
No, no, no, no. No, no, no, I can't.

No, no, no, no, just hold it. Hold on.

- Stop staring, it's rude.
- Where am I supposed to look?

- Is this turning you on?
- It's not... not turning me on.

Three, two, wait.
No, I need... I need six...

No, that's it.

- Come on, I was just getting my groove on.
- Time's up. Chester?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Excuse me, I'm gonna
need a few minutes, to pardon me.

- Replenish the fluids here 'cause...
- Did you already?

- I just grazed the tip. I grazed it.
- Please tell me it was on the couch cover.

- I'm ready to party.
- Jeez.

- Is that normal?
- God no.

- Why don't we have some make-up sex?
- Oh, no.

Did not all the energy in here
just get sucked out?

No, no, it didn't.

I think we ripped the band-aid off
a little too quickly here.

- We should have catered.
- A potluck would have been nice.

Cassie, I feel like we're gonna
need some spare dicks,

in case, you know, chappy gets pre-maturely
excited, just keep the party going.

- I can hear you.
- Agreed.

You know what would be good? Is maybe
if we had some other ladies as well?

People from around town.
Or Cassie, if you wanted get involved.

No. I mean, I... that wasn't...
that wasn't part of the...

No. Okay.

I think this little experiment has just proven
that we need to go a little bit slower.

So let's get together again,
but this time,

ease into it, focus on the basics.
And if all goes well, then, round two.

I don't wanna sound like a jerk. But what
am I supposed to do with this erection?

I saw a papaya on the counter there
you could probably have your way with.

No, it's too ripe. It's not gonna work.

Why do you know that?

What about Michael Lobucks?

He's got a terrible back issue.
He wouldn't the last 5 minutes.

- What about the mayor?
- Gus, Gus? Been there.

- They can't be black.
- Oh, my God.

Wait, Gus is black?

- Mrs. Reddick.
- Bruce, she's dead.

Margo and Dave Anderson.

No... no. Absolutely not.
Have you seen how he plays charades?

I'm not getting into a sexual
situation with that man.

So, there's a bunch of us
and we're doing this thing, okay?

And I don't know how to ask...

We've been encouraged to invite
other people to the thing.

- What we're gonna be doing is...
- What kind of thing is it?

We're gonna... it's like a pri...
it's like a very...

- It's a private fun thing.
- Yeah.

Like, we're all... we are all together...

In the private thing where you touch each
other's nipples and you fuck each other?

- How do you know... what are you...
- Stop trying to invite me to the orgy.

- How do you know about the orgy?
- How do I not know about the orgy?

Bruce is all over town
and you need to talk to that guy

because everybody in this town
is gonna know what you idiots are up to.

Okay, okay, okay. So...
did Bruce invite you to it, already?

- Yes, he did.
- He did?

- Yes.
- So you...

No. No! I knew you were gonna ask me that.

- You disappoint me, Chester.
- What?

You guys haven't RSVP'ed to my party, yet.

Hey. Seth, man. How long
have you been standing there?

Actually, funny that you're here because
Chester has something that he wants to ask you.

- No...
- There's this thing that's happening.

And people are encouraged...

- No, that's not...
- To invite other people...

and he wanted to talk to you
about this thing.

What? Coming.
I gotta grab this... this delivery.

- Really? Interesting.
- I gotta get this delivery here.

- Isn't that your bathroom?
- What?

- Are you going to the bathroom?
- Hey, Seth.

- Hi, Pauline.
- How is your day going, buddy?

- It's busy.
- Yeah.

So you want to have an orgy in a town
where you can dial the wrong number,

- and still have a ten-minute conversation?
- I'll owe you.

I really need to work
the numbers in my favor, and you coming

- helps knock some of the other guys out.
- How?

You know...

- You smoke a pole man, you know.
- The pole?

You play the skin flute, you put penises
in your mouth, 'cause you're gay.

Not 'cause you're happy,
'cause you're a homosexual.

Not that you couldn't be a homosexual
and be happy I'm sure you love it.


You want me at this orgy because I'm gay,

and that will force one of the other
non-gay men to sleep with me,

which will make more women
available for you?


I really need this, man.

Allie's leaving me, it was...
it was a huge hit to my ego.

If I agree to this, you give me
the full commission on your house.

That's a big commission, man.

- Are you coming to my birthday party?
- Jesus Christ.

- My mom wanted an RSVP like, yesterday.
- I don't know, man.

You should totally come
to our party, Seth.


- Alice.
- Fuck! Jesus, Seth.

- You haven't RSVP'ed to my party, yet.
- Haven't I?

It's just my mom. She doesn't know how many
cupcakes to make. She's freaking out.

- Okay.
- Are you going to that party?

- What party?
- I don't know.

- Bruce told me about some party at Adam's.
- That's been cancelled.

Are you sure? Because he just
told me about it like, just now.

Well, Seth, I don't know,
because Bruce is an idiot.

Yeah. Hey, that's good,
because tomorrow's my party anyways,

so you can just tell everybody to RSVP,
and then they can come.

Okay, I... I'll try to remember.

- Can I have a glass of water?
- I don't. I don't have any water.

I'm thirsty.
Do you have a blanket? I'm cold.

So I think the first thing
we need to do here is just...

acknowledge the awkwardness
of the situation.

So, Chester, if maybe we could switch
spots. So you could sit over here.

- You wanna do...
- Yeah.


So let's start with Heather.

How does it make you feel
to see Adam with someone else?

Well, I...

- I think we can all be adults here.
- Yeah?

Okay, so, this doesn't bother you,
or make you upset or uncomfortable at all?


No, I think that's...
that's very neighborly of you,

- of both of you.
- I'm very neighborly.

- Is this... is this hard for you, Adam?
- Oh, it's hard for me.

I mean... it would... that would be hard
for me. That would be challenging.

Yeah, what about this, Heather?

This must be driving you
absolutely insane.

- Bruce, what are you doing?
- We're just easing into it, big fella.

You know, you are carrying
a lot of tension...

in your buster deltoids. You know what?
I'd be a lot easier if I got your shirt off.

- That way we can really get at it.
- I don't think...

I'll get it.
That'll be our additional guests.

Yeah, let's just go ahead.
That's a weird way to open a shirt, anyway.

Let's just put the kybosh on that
and see who these guests are.

- Go away!
- Jesus fucking...

- Hi, guys. Hey, come on in.
- Thank you.

Everybody, you remember Anna and Otis.

- From racquetball, right?
- Who the fuck invited you?

Honey, I don't know about this.

- Just a moment, everyone.
- Sure.

Sweetie, we agreed to this.
Everything we tried hasn't been working.

The long walks, the spicy food,
the primrose oil.

The mid-wife thought that maybe this would
do the trick. We want to do it naturally.

I know, I know,
but why can't it just be you?

Because it's been me for the last
48 hours and I'm exhausted.

Listen, you're peeing every ten minutes,
you're not sleeping.

I love you so much,
but this baby needs to come out.

- You're right.
- Yeah.

- We need to do this.
- Right.

I love you. Okay.

- Are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.


So, who's gonna fuck my wife first?

- Okay, sexual positions...
- I know all three of them,

- but we only do the doggy-style.
- I'm sorry, all three of them?

You guys don't look
at each other when you...


- Why not?
- I don't think anyone wants to know that.

- I wanna know.
- I'd love to know.

- It's private, it's between us.
- He makes a face.

- Okay.
- It's very unpleasant.

- It's involuntary.
- It's disturbing, actually.

It's like a sneeze. Would you judge
a person for how they sneeze?

Okay, let's not ruin the surprise.

We have some work to do.
Everybody grab a partner.

Okay, I drew up some sexual positions
for us to try here.

- What, really? Me?
- Get lost.

Thank you. I would be honored.

If we could just skip the lego instructions.
I mean, clearly, I've done this before.

I really just need someone
to bang the baby out of me.

Also, if you could ejaculate directly inside
my wife's vagina, that would be great.

It actually contains prosteligence

which can stimulate the cervix
and can cause contractions.


Can you not put all your weight on me?
It makes me feel like I gotta pee.

- You wanna pee on me?
- That is not even close to what I said.

Okay, Bruce, why don't you try
putting her leg over your shoulder?

Actually this does feel good.
Why have we never tried this position?

- I didn't know you liked that.
- Well, you could have asked.

- I'm not a mind-reader, pumpkin.
- That's why you should ask.

I don't think this is the time
for that, guys.

Right. Sorry, honey. We're being rude.
Bruce is trying to penetrate me.

I'm sorry, Bruce.
All right, give me what you got.

- I got nothing. This is...
- What?

- This is fucked up, man.
- What?

What the fuck is your problem?

- Two, three, okay. I gotta get it right...
- Yep, yep, okay. here. Cassie?

I don't know, I think one of us
has to be lesbian to do this.

No, not if... see here,
if you're more like this... then...

I see. Yeah, no,
we both have to be lesbian.

That's not gonna work.

There's no need to be shy, Otis.

I for one am very interested
in fornicating with you.

Well, no, no, no. I'm just here for Anna,
in case the baby pops.

Surely there's better ways
to pass the time.

Well, I'm gonna say thank you,
but no thank you.

Okay, I'm gonna level with you here,

Anna told me that you got her
pregnant without even trying.

- I need your baby batter, so be a neighbor.
- I mean, my semen isn't sugar, Heather.

Besides, Anna and I have been having
sex all day, all right? I'm exhausted.

Even if I could get it up,
it's like a ghost coughing down there.

- Oh, my God.
- Did you just...

No, no. I'm good.

Okay, I think we can...
start with the actual sex now. I'm...

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I think I'm ready. Yeah.

- I felt the baby kick.
- Well, don't make it weird.

She just wants to say hello.
Don't you baby?

- Please don't talk like a baby.
- She just wants to meet everybody.

- Help her meet everybody, Adam.
- I don't know that I'm qualified for that.

Keep it sexy, okay?

If you arch your back, I think it'll allow
for at least another inch of penetration.

Thank you, Cassie.

Oh, my God. Oh, jeez.

Just for the record,
I am not inside you right now.

- Is this a good position?
- It's just the water stage.

- The baby's not gonna come for hours.
- Water stage?

- Are you having a seizure? What's...
- It's coming!

- Oh, my God. Are you having a contraction?
- I'm coming! Oh, thanks, sweet Lord.

- There it is! Okay, it's happening.
- It's fine, it's fine. We got a while yet.

No, no, no. If we could get it wrapped up
as soon as possible. If that's possible.

- Let's get her up.
- This feels so fucking good.

Why don't you ever feel this fucking good?

She doesn't mean that, guys.
That's the baby talking.

Can we get this guy off?
This is my wife, here.

Just a little bit of help guys,
would be really...

Screamer. Okay, there it is.

- There we go.
- I would throw those out.

See, what did I tell you
about the plastic couch covers?

What a great night guys. Thank you.

Can I ask a silly question?

How come none of you have realized
what a terrible idea this is?

I mean, for one night of awkward pleasure,

you are gonna jeopardize friendships...

marriages even...

Look around, these are
your neighbors, your friends.

I just want to make sure
that you've thought about this.

Really thought about it.

This is a small town.
People are gonna find out.

One of you will talk,
maybe not right away,

but eventually.

I read Cassie's article and the reason why
it upset at everybody is 'cause she's right.

You are not the type of people
to do this sort of thing.

You're not adventurous.

Who are you trying to fool?

Half a dozen chimps are locked in a room.

And in the center of the room,
there's a ladder...

on top of which a banana
dangles from the ceiling.

So one the chimps decides
to go for the banana.

But before he can even touch the ladder,
they're all sprayed with ice cold water.

- I'm so confused right now.
- Shut up.

So after a while,
they figure out the connection,

between the ladder and the water,
and they don't go for the banana anymore.

So then one of the chimps
is replaced by a new chimp.

And he decides to go for the banana.

Before he can even touch the ladder,
they... they attack him.

He goes for it again and they literally,
they beat the message into him,

do not touch the fucking ladder.

Eventually, all the chimps are replaced
by an entirely new group.

They don't know about the water.
They don't even know it exists.

But anytime any of them
go for that banana,

they attack them.

And they have no idea why.

All they know is,

this is what happens when you go after
the thing you want the most.

Something someone else
says you can't have...

and they never question it,
it's just what they do.

So my question is,

are you gonna go after your banana?

Or are you gonna let
all the other chimps knock you down?

- Did that make anyone else a little bit hard?
- Bruce, there are ladies present.

I'm sorry, did it make
anyone hard, or wet?

Look, y'all want this.

You need this.

And if you're in, then I'm in, too.

All the way.

- I'd like to go after my banana.
- Me, too.

Can I put the whole thing in my mouth?

Saturday. My place.

Maybe they're late.

Why don't you come on the cruise with me?

It'd be good for you to get out of town.
You don't need these people.

They've never accepted you.

Well. Well, happy birthday, Seth.



Okay. Pace yourself, Chester, buddy. Pace.

Hello. You're very pretty. I'm Chester.

Slow down, slow down.

Yeah, yeah, here comes the good stuff.

God dammit, why? Why?


Everyone can fucking see you!
You know that that chick has a dick, right?

- Yeah, thanks.
- I support masturbation.

Hey, you're not...
you're not gonna mention this...

to anyone are you?
'Cause I'm... I'm a little just...

- you know, embarrassed about it.
- I would never do that.

No, I'm serious. Why would I go
and tell anybody that's private.

It's personal, that I walked in on you.
It's totally fine.

Don't be embarrassed. I've done
weird shit. Like eat half a pizza.

Why don't you have any friends, seriously?

That kinda...

- No!
- I mean, what the fuck are you?

No, I didn't mean it like that, I meant like,
why don't you have friends other than me?

Friends your own age, 'cause you're...
you're so... I mean, you...

I don't know. People are idiots.

- Generally. You're an idiot.
- Yeah, I am an idiot.

- You're just an idiot, at all times.
- It's true.

I mean, you're only friends with me
because you wanna bang me.

Oh, fuck, holy shit.
It was a dream. It was a dream.

I had a sex dream about
my aunt Merga, once. Okay?

- You shouldn't tell people that.
- No, I'm trying to make a point here.

All right, that it doesn't mean...
it's nothing.

It's just a dream. Okay?

- What's so wrong about me, anyway?
- What?

Why wouldn't you want to bang me?
You keep saying, "no I would never do that,"

- but I mean, do I... am I repulsive?
- Why would you wanna have sex with me?

No, no, that's not what I said,
I didn't say that.

- But you didn't not say that, right?
- Okay.

- You did not say that.
- You should be a detective.

- Really?
- Yeah. No. No.

Get a badge or something?

I'll get you a detective badge.



What... what're you doing?

Oh, God.

What're you...

- What're you doing right now?
- I'm bored.

What's happening right now?

Nothing is happening, Chester.

Oh, shit. I'm sorry.

I just made it... I made it really
weird here. I feel really stupid.

- You feel really stupid?
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

That's how you feel right now?

Fuck you, Chester.

Hey, it's Polly.

I'm coming to your orgy.

Happy orgy day! Right?

- And Chester...
- Yes.

Hey, everyone. Hi.

- Polly, you look, you look really nice.
- Oh, do I?

Well, let's get started, shall we?

- I call Cassie.
- What? No.

Come on, I'm really in the mood to have sex
with someone I've never been with before.

She said "no," you know? Why don't you
just take another shot at Heather there?


In high school I put his penis
in my mouth a little.

- Oh, jeez.
- She didn't say I have a small penis.

- No, she kind of did.
- Those two are out and I'm not into Polly?

- What the shit?
- Do you want to have sex with me?

- I don't feel comfortable answering that.
- Thank you very much. Cassie and I then.

I... I wanna have sex with Spencer.

Are you serious? Spencer's gay.

You're the only one in town
who actually thinks that.

Oh, seriously? Really?

What about that fruity real estate job you
have? What about your hair? The clothes?

- That awesome Cologne?
- I don't wear Cologne. That's just me.


Cassie wants to have sex with Spencer.
Who else wants to have sex with Spencer?

For fucks sake.
Who are you sleeping with then?

- Adam.
- No, I don't think so.

Guess what? Cock-blocking isn't actually
on the list of things to do in an orgy.

So why don't you let Adam decide
who he'd like to stick it in.


You know, you're all
wonderful people, and...

- Polly would be...
- Awkward.

- And weird.
- Okay.

Alice, my main concern with you is that
I wouldn't be able to meet your level of...

- experience.
- Go fuck yourself.

So I guess I choose Cassie.

- Too late, I already called dibs on her.
- Okay, stop it.

I'm not participating in anything
where dibs take precedence.

- Have sex with me, please.
- I said no.

God, you are such a hypocrite, Cassie.
You... you run off with your vagina,

and your sexy article things,
and then you have an issue

sleeping with some mildly-annoying person
that you've known your entire life?

No, you do not get to be a prude,
and the town slut,

you're having sex with Bruce,
and that's that.

Jesus fucking Christ, Heather,
she's not a slut, she's just a virgin.

Yeah. Cassie's a virgin.
That would be rich.

But I everything that I know about
sex is because of... your column.

Yeah, me too. This makes a lot of sense.

I'd like you all to leave now.

Okay. Okay, I'm sure this is
extremely embarrassing for you,

but we've all
been looking forward to this,

- so I think that we should...
- Get out.

We're having our carpets cleaned,
there's nowhere to go.

Get out!

- It's her house, you guys, just...
- Shut up, Alice. You get the fuck out first.

Alice. Hey, Alice.
Alice, excuse me. Hey...

- Don't. What the fuck do you want, Bruce?
- What the fuck were you doing?

You really ruined that for me in there.
What're you doing?

- I could not give a baker's fuck.
- A baker's fuck?

- 13 fucks? What are you talking about?
- That's 13 fucks.

Do you have any idea
how much I needed this?

First, you embarrass me by leaving me,
and then you rub it in my fucking face

by getting it on with every single guy
in town. You know... You're embarrassing.

- I'm embarrassing?
- Yeah.

You're pathetic.

- You need to sign our divorce papers.
- You want pathetic? No.

- Not until you tell me why.
- Really? Do you really not know why?

Because, if I recall,
you didn't touch me for like, a year.

- And you're acting like a victim, in...
- Oh, what? 'Cause you're so innocent?

- I had some sex.
- Some?

- I may have over-compensated.
- Oh, yeah, you think?

You broke my heart!

My fucking heart!


Sign the fucking papers.
It's the least you could do.

So, I have been thinking about the orgy...

The orgy's cancelled.

No, I'm Heather Mitchell,
no one cancels a social event on me.

Honey, please, will you just forget
about the orgy and come to bed.

Adam, I am trying to figure out
a way to keep this orgy going.

The last thing I have time for
right now is to have sex with you.

- Why is it so important to you?
- To us, it's important to us.

No, it isn't. I thought we were trying
to have a baby, that's the goal.

And that is exactly why
the orgy is so important.

What are you talking about?


Look, I...


I don't want you to take this
the wrong way, but...

I had your sperm tested.

It's just we've been trying for a really
long time, and I got tested first,

and everything was fine,
so it was the next step.

What do you mean? I didn't give you
any sperm. How'd you get my sperm?

Well, when you make deposits,
I make withdrawls.


Oh, my God.



They said that you have the worst sperm
that they've ever seen.

- We can get a second opinion.
- I got five.

So you were using this... orgy
as some sort of sperm bank?

- That wasn't the original plan.
- You wanted to get pregnant, and then...

trick me into raising the child with you

with complete disregard for the fact
the kid would look nothing like me.

I have to be a mother, Adam. Okay?
I mean, I wouldn't have married you if I...

- Please, go on.
- Honey, I'm just... I'm being emotional.

I would hate for Heather Mitchell
to ever have an emotion.

I had to learn to love you.

- That came out wrong.
- Did it?


You kept the tape?

Just getting rid of the rest
of my old junk before I leave.

So you're, you're going?

Well, the whole town found out
my deepest, darkest, secret.

So, yeah, I'm gonna go.

Everybody has bad days apparently.

And mine's gonna get even worse until I
leave this shit-hole. So if you'll excuse me.

What if you don't leave?

Well, then I'll have to stay.

And everybody knows
I'm a fraud and a virgin,

and I can't look anybody
in the eye ever again.

You're looking me in the eye right now.

You know, I'm pretty good at it.


Cassie, when you left town the first time

it was the worst thing
that ever happened to me.

I've never forgotten about you.
I think about you all the time.

I mean, the only reason that I'm...
the only reason I married Heather is...

You know, I get it, okay? I get it.
You had to do what you had to do.

You had to get out of town,
you had to leave us all behind.

You had to just go do your own thing
and that's fine, okay? I forgive you.

- You forgive me?
- Yeah. Yes, I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Do you have any idea why I didn't
leave town the second after that funeral?

It's because I thought you and your idiot
friends would be good material for a book,

but you're not.

You're just a bunch of sad, boring,
bumpkins, who were born here,

and will die here
and accomplish nothing in between.

Does becoming a bitch
count as an accomplishment?

- Please leave. I have packing to do.
- Yeah, I'm going thank you.

- What's that for?
- It's for you.

It's just weird.
You've never done that before. So...

Yeah, I thought it would be nice.

Okay. You know you don't
owe me anything, right?

That I'm not some, like, little girl,
whose feelings have been hurt?

Relax, okay? It was...
it's just a muffin, okay?

It's not even a good one.
I gave you the one that I dropped.

I put my notice in.

- What? What are you talking about?
- This town sucks, it's always sucked.

So... I am out of here. I don't want
to become like my cousin Heather.

You know, just settle for somebody
just because they're there.

You should do the same.
Or not, I don't know.

It's not really fair for me to say it,
I guess. You do you.

All I know is that leaving here
scares the shit out of me,

and if you're scared of something,
it's worth doing.

So, I am gonna do that.

Anyway, thank you for the dropped muffin.

Jay Macmaster and his wife
are gonna be delayed.

- You're gonna have to get over this.
- I feel like there's a hole inside of me.

Could I be perfectly frank
with you right now?

- Of course.
- Stop being such a little bitch

- and do what you want.
- I want to have the orgy.

- So, have the orgy.
- I can't.

Cassie kicked everyone out.

So how does that stop you?

If you have it, though, I wanna come.

No, you're not getting
the commission on my house.

That's fine.
I'm making a killing in this town.

God, if I didn't want to be you,
I would hate you so much.

- What was that?
- What? Nothing, I didn't... did you...



- I want to rent my own apartment.
- I'm a bit busy right now, okay, Seth?

I have to move out now before my mom
gets back to town or she won't let me.

Whatever. But you're in that house
right now all by yourself?

Yeah, she gets back next week.

Do you want to have a party, Seth?

Why, so no one will show up? No thanks.

No, no, people will show up.
I can promise you that.

- Like, girls?
- Girls, totally. Tons of girls.

- Do they like videogames?
- They love videogames. Anything you want.

- Are they Japanese?
- Sure, yeah.

Japanese girls, yeah, totally.
Chinese girls.

- No.
- Okay.

- No Chinese.
- Yeah, okay, no Chinese girls.


- Bruce.
- So you still wanna do this thing?

Great okay, cool. Maybe lose
the pajamas, get more cleavage.

Like, sexy, cleavage.

Like, right now.

Hi, so I think we found a way
to keep the orgy going.

I don't know.

Vintage Vnyl, all sale's final.
This is Chester.

It's back on. Seth's place. Tonight.

Ding-dong. Ding... ding... I'll be there.

- Good afternoon, Mayor.
- Nice to see you, Heather.

So there's no delicate way to put this
so I'm just gonna come right out with it.

We're having an orgy this evening
and we could use some additional penises,

- if you would care to attend?
- Oh, absolutely.

Do you guys have
your own anal beads, or...

is this more of a BYOAB kind of thing?

So, where shall we fornicate, Bruce?


I'm going to regret that.

- Cocktail?
- No, no thanks.


- There's my guy.
- Hey

Hey. I'm so glad that you could make it.

- I'm really glad I could come.
- I'm even happier when you do.

- You okay? Got a little...
- Yeah, I'm good.

Why is my living room
like a whore dungeon?

What are you guys doing with my mom's
pashminas? She loves those.

- For the orgy.
- What orgy? This is a party.

Yeah, yeah, it's a party.
It's a party for your penis, bro.

I don't want a penis party for my penis.
I want a party party for me.

- Hey, where you going?
- I'm gonna go play some video games.

- Does anybody want to play with me?
- No, maybe later, man. Maybe later.

So, do you wanna go somewhere?


It doesn't bother me at all
that you ejaculated quickly.

That is a sign of a man
who has his priorities straight.

But there is something else that...

- Why don't you finish that drink?
- For you...

- Yeah?
- That might tickle your fantasy...

And there it is. Okay.

Polly, can I talk to you, please? I want you
to know that I think that you're kind of...

We're sort of in the middle
of something here, sport.

Yeah, give me a second, okay, Spencer?

I just want you to know
that I think you're really beautiful.

And that I just...
I think you're fucking amazing.

I... I screwed up the other night, okay?

It's fine. You know what, Chester,
it was... it really was nothing.

No. It's not fine.
Okay, and it wasn't nothing.

And you weren't bored.

This is worth doing.

Yeah? How do you know?

'Cause I'm scared shitless.

I declare this orgy officially...
begun! Yeah!

- Adam.
- Do you know where Cassie is?

- No.
- I think she left town.

- Without saying, goodbye?
- Wouldn't she?


Guess you don't want
to go to Seth's either?

- What at... What's at Seth's?
- What do you think?

Heather was the one that told me...

How do you not know about this?

I want you inside of me right now.

- Come here.
- Things are progressing nicely.

Oh, this is my cue. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What, yeah, take this off.
Yeah, just... yeah, yeah, whatever.

Yeah, now we're better.


Come on, guys. Come on,
let's ease up on the kissing.

Come on, guys, let's use our mouths
for the greater good here.


- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Bruce!

What? What? It's a goddamn fucking orgy.

If you've got a hole and you're
not using it you're being selfish.

- Clearly, they're having a moment.
- If they're having a fucking moment,

they should take this fucking
romantic moment to a room.

- Yeah, come on.
- Room. Room.

No, I didn't mean it. I didn't actually...
I was just just saying it!

I was just just saying it in the heat
of the moment. It wasn't sexy... fuck!

- Hello?
- Hey. You left without saying, "goodbye"?

- Fuck you, Judas.
- Are you kidding?

I saved you from losing
your virginity to fucking Bruce.

You would really, really
want to hold that against me?

I trusted you with that. You know
how hard it is for me to trust people?

Yeah, sorry. You should just get
the fuck over it. When did you leave?

- Just now.
- Okay, come back.

I can't. I'm on the lam.

The book people are gonna come after me.
My career's over, life's over...

- Why don't you just write a book?
- Yeah, what am I supposed to write about?

A virgin who plans an orgy
for a bunch of prudes?

And then out myself
to the entire world in the process?

- That's not bad, actually.
- You said your career's over anyway,

so it saves you from having to remember
a bunch of bullshit lies all the time.

These people don't want me here.

- Adam just came looking for you.
- Yeah, I saw him last night.

You did? So, you know
about him and Heather?

What about him and Heather?

Stop the orgy!

Heather? Do you have something
you want to say?

No. How nice of you to join us.

Are you gonna tell them or should I?

- What's going on, here?
- My money's on gonorrhea.

Gentlemen, the...

the only reason that Heather
wants to sleep with you,

the only reason that this whole thing
is happening in the first place,

is because Heather Murray
is trying to get pregnant.

And she doesn't want your DNA
in the mix. Yeah, I get that.

No, not... that's not what I'm saying.

First of all, I have dead sperm,
apparently, okay?

But point is, this whole thing
is based on a lie. All right?

And Cassie who we slut-shamed
out of town years ago,

now, she's leaving town again
because she's a virgin?

How does that make sense? And we're
doing this to prove that we're not prudes?

You know what? I'm a prude, okay? I am.

I don't wanna have sex in front of anybody.
I want it to be me and one other person.

Nobody watching, no toys, no lubes.

Just vanilla. That's me, I'm vanilla.

As for the rest of you, I don't even know
how you could have sex in front of...

You know how much confidence it takes to
lay naked like that on somebody's couch?

- You ever been in this house before?
- Yeah, never.

And yet it's like he lives here.
Good for you. But you know what?

Be yourself, all right? Everybody
just be themselves and be honest.

Is this all true, Heather?
You want us to impregnate you?

Nobody ever has to know.

All I've ever wanted was to be a mother.

And they say that it takes
a village to raise a child...

- I'm down with it
- Me too.

Would we have to help... raise the kid?

No, I just need your sperm.

Don't care.

Do what you gotta do.

But I'm... I'm out.

- So, who's first?
- Me.

- How about you go third?
- What? Come on! Gus is gonna go before me?

You don't want to have a Samoan baby.

How is it that no one
in this town knows what I am?

- I'm Indian.
- No, you're not.

Dot, not feather.

Actually, you people make
really beautiful mixed babies.

- I'm first.
- Okay.

Oh, okay. All right, yes.
Here we go, let's do this.

- Let's do this, here we go.
- What?

Nothing, I thought you'd be smaller.

How do you do that? Your tongue,
it's like an Olympic athlete.

I'm gonna give you
this ice cream on a cone.

And what flavor am I?

Tiger tale.

No, tiger tale is disgusting.

- Do my lady bits taste like black licorice?
- I love black licorice.

Oh, God.


Oh, my God, I'm so glad you came back.

There's so much stuff I wanna say
about last night, I shouldn't have...

Okay. If you wanna
talk first, that's fine, too.

Fuck you. God, I've been wanting
to do that for so long.

I mean, if this is part of some
sort of big-city foreplay...

you're gonna have to walk me through.

There's a musk.

- So, have you fucked anyone, yet?
- No.



- where should we do this?
- Do what?

The sex. We're going to bang.

That's okay.

I'm offering you farm-fresh,

free range, grade A pussy here.

Yeah, you don't have to do that. I'm fine.

Fine? What is all this? What is this?

What's your deal?
Are you not attracted to me?

You're okay.

I'm sorry, what sort of bar
are we comparing me to, porn stars?

Mostly, yeah.

I hate to tell you this, sweetie, but...

those women aren't actually real.

What's so real about you?

That's it. It's on.

Oh, fuck. This is so nice.
This is just so nice.

I'm not gonna make it, I'm not gonna
make it. Not gonna make it.

- 218 X 4 million.
- What? I don't understand that.

- Just focus. Add.
- Focus on what?

You know what my dad used to say,
life gives you lemons, you make lemonade."

Absolutely, bro.

A whole jug of it.

- So, that's that, then.
- Yeah, that's that.

That's... what's what?

Let's make some lemonade.

Yeah, absolutely. Sure.

So, what... what's happening?

If you got a hole,
and you're not using it...

- Does that hurt?
- The piercing, no.

It's good.

You sure it doesn't hurt?

- Can we just play video games now?
- Yeah, absolutely, we can.

How is it?

Well, the stinging has subsided,
so that's something.

I'm sorry.

I just really had to hurt you.

Well, mission accomplished.

Do you know why I was afraid
to come back here?

Because I didn't want to see you happy.

Well, you sure fixed
your wish with that one.

What about you? Are you happy?

I'm tired.

All that stuff I said last night
about forgiving you, that was shitty.

It's not your fault that I married Heather,
or I stayed in town,

it's got nothing to do with you.

I'm the reason that nothing
happened between us.

I guess I should be
asking you for forgiveness.


I'm sorry.

That's what I was gonna say before you...

slapped me in the face
and kneed me in the balls. I'm sorry.

For... all of it.

How's your balls?

Still intact, I guess. It's not like
I'm gonna be using them for anything.


Can I see?

It's not really my best feature.

You know, it doesn't feel
that useless to me.

Cassie, I...


Did you get some lube?

- All I could find was some apple butter.
- Yeah, sure, fine. Fuck it. Whatever.

- We don't have to do this.
- No, we're gonna do this, come on.

- Let's just do this, all right?
- Yup. Here we go.

- Hey, what are you doing there, Captain?
- You need to be erect.

I can get myself erect,
thank you very much.

- Be my guest.
- Yeah, watch this.

- Geez.
- Oh, look at that.

Oh, fuck. Auschwitz.

Dachau, Dachau. Bergen-belsen. Terezin.

- Wait, what? What are you saying? What?
- Those are concentration camps.

From the holocaust.

Why? Is that too dark? Too much?

- Yeah, it's a little much.
- Okay.

What is the appeal, here? You just die
and then you do it all over again.

Yeah. That's what I like about it.

When Mario dies, he doesn't rage
against the world, he just...

picks himself up, goes back
to the start and tries again,

until he figures out
how to save the princess.


What's your plan? I mean, you can't really
just stay in your mother's basement

and play video games
for the rest of your life.

What other life am I gonna have?
I'm the town loser.

Well, to the town, yeah.

But who are you to you?

I mean, they all see Clark Kent but...

I'm pretty sure there's a Kal-El
hiding in there somewhere.

I'm ready to have sex with you now.

- It's not so squishy this time.
- Yeah.

- Adam?
- Yes?

Adam Mitchell?

I think of you fondly.

I am... quite fond of you as well.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Oh, thank you.
- Don't mention it.


Okay, you just...

- You're over thinking it. Just do it.
- I just don't want to hurt you.

You won't.
Stop being such a fucking pussy.

Look, this is new for me. All right,
I gotta need some positive reinforcement.

Look, I'm sorry. Would you please fuck
my bum with your beautiful, manly penis?

- Okay. Okay.
- Good. All right. Okay, here we go.

There you go.


Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

- Fuck!
- Oh, shit!

- Keep going, Chester. Chester, keep going.
- I'm going to go.

Keep going!

- Thank you.
- Over here.

Fill me with baby juice. Do it!

- Do you wanna flip around or something?
- What?

Where we can't look at each other,
just to be fun, just to switch it up.

- No, no, no. This is perfect.
- Okay.

- Just like that. Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing? Adam?

Hey. Look at me.

Everybody looks weird when they come.
Just look weird with me. Okay?


- Chester?
- Yeah?

Please don't put your penis
inside of anybody else.

- Can we play video games now?
- Yeah, let's play video games now.



That went a lot better
then in high school.


And nobody had to run down the street
without any clothes on.


It's okay.

I'm over it.


Adam! Everyone can see you.

- What are you doing?
- Something I should've done 12 years ago.

- Come on.
- It's so cold.

Fucking white people.

Hey, you, wait up.