How to Murder a Millionaire (1990) - full transcript

A rich woman becomes convinced that her husband plans to murder her, leading to an increasingly hectic comedy of errors.

(MultiCom Jingle)

(ripping and screaming)

- Thank you.

No offense, Loretta, but we all know it's Gilbert's fault.

(ripping and screaming)

Thank you.

I mean, maybe Walter's not aware of it,

but you and I both know Gilbert talked him into retiring

so he could take over the business.

- Well, maybe if Walter weren't so terrified of computers

then Gilbert wouldn't have to run the business.

You know, it is a classic case of future shock syndrome.

Walter is so scared of computers

he will not even use a push button phone

because he's afraid of the beeps.


- Gilbert just wants to get his hands

on Walter's share of the profits.

Oh, face it, Loretta.

The only thing Gilbert cares about

in the whole world is money.

- Well, at least we have something in common.

(ripping and screaming)

- Thank you, dear.

(upbeat electronic music)

♪ Isn't it wonderful

♪ Isn't that grand

♪ Just don't have the time

♪ To lend you a helping hand

♪ Isn't this beautiful

♪ Isn't this fun

♪ Shop till the day is over

♪ Shop till the day is done

♪ Look there's drama in rest of the world ♪

♪ What's that got to do with me ♪

♪ There's freedom to go all around ♪

♪ After all, it's the land of the free ♪

♪ Isn't love wonderful

♪ Isn't love grand

♪ Isn't this beautiful

♪ Isn't this fun

♪ Yeah

(dog yelps)

- Ouch.

- Danny.

- Hey, hey, hey lady. - Hi.

- How was work today?

I bet you cleaned up, didn't you?

- (chuckles) Well, this is the best I could do.

- What is this,

some kind of knick-knack? (ceramic shatters)

- Danny!

That was nice.

I saw one just like it at the mall.

- Teresa, you have got to get with the program.

You don't want to be a nobody the rest of your life, do you?

- Danny, come on.

Can we just go back to car stereos?

I mean, you always said I was the best lookout you ever had.

And what about that insurance scam?

I could be your witness.

- Teresa, you have to have insurance to do that.

- Well Danny, it's not easy stealing things

from people's houses.

I don't like it.

- Hey, hey, hey, how many times do I have to tell you,

this is not stealing.

The only way the rich people get rich

is by cheating people like us.

You are just taking from them

that which they have stolen from someone else.

- All right, baby, look, I'll do better tomorrow, okay?

- That's my girl (chuckles).

(upbeat electronic music)

♪ Isn't love wonderful

♪ Isn't love grand

♪ Take one in every color

♪ I'll take one everywhere

♪ Isn't this beautiful

♪ Isn't this fun

♪ Isn't love wonderful

♪ Isn't love grand

(lawnmower starting)


(suspenseful music)


- Are you hurt?

(speaking in foreign language)

Next time, try stepping on the brakes.

- I did try stepping on the brakes.

It's not my fault they didn't work.

- There is nothing wrong with those brakes.

I checked them myself just yesterday.

- You also fixed the garage door yesterday

and the day before.

- What the hell were you doing driving so fast anyway?

- It is 4:30.

It is time for Monique. - Tomorrow on

Monique in the Morning.

- I thought you watched that junk in the mornings.

- Get in touch with your world, Walter.

That was Monique in the Morning.

This is Monique in the Afternoon.

- Wait a minute, you're telling me you just wrecked

a $50,000 Mercedes so you can rush home to see

a woman interview a bunch of transvestite male strippers

with nightmare hysterectomies?

Is that what you're telling me?

- Is that all you care about, that I wrecked your car?

I could've been killed!

You care more about that car then you do about me!

- I just had the oil changed.

- Syndromes, the subconscious patterns that shape

our marriages, our careers, even the way we make love.

Are they the key to understanding ourselves?

Can they unlock secrets we'd be better off not knowing?

How much pop psychology is enough?

Syndromes, Love Them or Leave Them,

today on Monique in the Morning.

(audience applauding)

- I just don't know what's the matter with Walter.

He's not romantic anymore.

- Oh honey, you can't expect romance from a married man,

especially if you're the one married to him.

- Well, Walter's never been exactly a Don Juan.

I'm probably the only one in Beverly Hills

that's got an IUD with a snooze alarm.


- Hi, you look fabulous.

Go inside, we're all down there.

Make it great!

Honey! Honey!

Walter! Walter! - What?

- Gilbert and Loretta are here.

- All right, I'll be in as soon as I finish nailing this.

You know how I hate to leave jobs half done.

- You don't have to work late anymore.

You let Gilbert talk you into retiring, remember?

- Ow! - Good.

- Good?

- If the rip were half an inch into the bodice,

I said I won't buy-- - I hear those Japanese guys

came back with a major offer.

- (chuckles) Don't you worry, Walter,

I'm not about to sell our tool and die.

- Not so long as a third of it's still in my name.

- Oh Irma, this was such a wonderful dinner.

I can't wait to see dessert.

- Thank you.

- You didn't cook it, did you?

- Clara, platos de dessert.

- Si, senora.

- I think it's time for our little surprise.

- Oh yes, yes, yes.

- What, what, what, what?

- You'll see.

Oh Irma, you're so lucky to have a maid.

Some of us with tightwads for husbands

had to use a maid service, it's so humiliating.

- What is this?

- It's a fork.

- Not you, Walter, I'm talking to Clara.

(speaking in a foreign language)

- It's a fork.

- It's a dirty fork.

We don't eat with dirty forks in this house.

- Sorry, Mrs. Summers.

- Don't forget to bring the whipped cream in

with the cappuccino.

- Si, Senora.

- I taught her everything she knows.

She loves me.

- Happy anniversary, Walter.

You've been retired for one month.

Boy, I envy you, no worries, no problems,

just enjoying yourself all the time.

I'm working on that new office computer down there.

You're out on the back nine, enjoying life.

- I don't play golf, Gilbert.

- But he will if you tell him to.

- Why don't you just make a wish and blow out that candle?

- You can wish you hadn't retired.

- You know, Irma was just telling me she would love

to take a cruise.

- Oh really?

Be sure to get some shots before you go.

- I hate this.

- You haven't even tasted it yet.

- Us, I'm talking about us.

- [Walter] So what's wrong with us?

- We're miserable, that's what's wrong with us.

Ever since you let Gilbert take away the tool and die,

we've been absolutely miserable.

- Just a moment, Irma, I don't think that's entirely fair.

- Oh, butt out!

- Gilbert did not talk me into retiring.

I just made a decision, that's all.

- You made a mistake, that's what you made.

And ever since then, all you've done

is mope around this house.

- Maybe retiring early wasn't the only mistake I made.

Maybe, just maybe, I made a really big one

about 30 years ago.

What do you think about that?

- I guess he didn't like the cake.

(gentle lullaby music)

(banging) (suspenseful music)

- Walter, is that you?

Why can't we have push button phones like real people?

This is Mrs. Irma Summers (mumbles).

What do you mean The Mrs. Irma Summers?

How many of me are there?

Look, could you come right over here, please?

I think I hear a prowler.

Yes, thank you.






(car engine running)


Walter, are you in there?

(door slamming) (music intensifies)

(coughing and choking)

(dramatic slasher music)

- Police, put up your hands!

Drop the hammer, Mr. Summers.

- Irma?

That's my wife.

- It's a Code 4, thanks a lot, Stella.

- So anyway, I had just gotten back from a long walk

when I heard somebody breaking into the garage.

- I wasn't breaking in, I was breaking out.

- Will you listen to me, we had a little argument

over dinner, so I decided to go for a drive to cool off.

But I couldn't get the door to open.

(jeering music)

- [Trainer] Use your shoulders, not your hips.

Pull her up again.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, por favor, upstairs.


- Get a job.

- [Trainer] Woo, yeah, alternate.

- You know, it's not just last night.

I'm worried about Walter.

Sometimes I think he doesn't even like me anymore.

- Huh, you know, that sounds like pent-up hostility.

Oh my God, you know, those are the seven warning signs.

- You think Walter has cancer?

- Worse, he's having an affair.

It's all right here in Elite.

Look at this.

- Faithfulness, seven ways to check your mate.

- Listen, these people are real experts.

I even saw them once on Monique.

- Oh, Walter wouldn't have an affair.

Where would he get the time?

He never leaves the house.

Not that it would take him that long.

- Maybe he does it when you're out shopping.

(upbeat exercise music)

(suspenseful music)


(garage door slams) (Irma shrieks)

- Irma. (Irma shrieks)

- Don't do that to me, Walter.

You'll turn my blonde hair gray again.

- I'm sorry, here, let me help you with these.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, yeah, listen.

I mean, I'm really sorry about a lot of things.

- What have you done now?

- I haven't done anything.

I mean, I'm not talking about anything in particular,

just the way I've been behaving lately,

you know, since I quit working.

- You mean awful.

- I'm restless, I thought it'd be great when I retired,

right, you know, having the time to do

all the things I really like.

But I guess what I like most is working.

- Does that mean you wanna go back to work?

- Honey, I don't know.

Whatever I decide, I promise you from now on,

things will be different.

- Do you know this is the first time we've really talked in,

I can't remember how long.

Let's go away, just the two of us, what do you say,

on a vacation.

A second honeymoon, we could have a second honeymoon.

Do you remember when you took me to Guam,

how romantic it was?

Do you remember that one with the waiter

when he-- - Will you stop?

- Irma, stop, listen, before we do anything else,

I've gotta show you the surprise.

- Surprise?

- Yeah.

- You got a surprise?

Oh come on, come on.

You didn't really? - Wait till you see this.

- Did you really, what did you get me?

- I can't tell you. - I think you got me

something I don't need. - It's a--

- What, what, what, tell me. - You'll love it

- You'll love it. - What, tell me now.

- Just wait till you see it.

Don't look. - I'm not looking.

- Don't you dare look.

- I'm not looking, all right? - We're almost there.

- All right. - All right, watch it.

- Now hold it. - Okay.

- Now turn around. - Now turn around.

- It's a bath massager.

- It's wonderful.

- Do you love it? - It's just like the one

that Gilbert gave to Loretta.

- I know, I had him pick up one for me.

- Did you now?

- Honey, after what happened to you last night,

I thought a hot tub would help you relax.

What do you say I scrub your back?

- I guess I won't be needing this now, huh?

- Uh uh.

(sparks sizzling) (Irma gently shrieking)

- What the?

- It's a little too hot for me, Walter.

(dramatic music)

(birds chirping)

- Men who kill their wives.

Why do they do it?

How do they do it? - Carla, el movo.

- Could it happen to you?

(audience applauding)

In the studio today are three convicted

murderers now out on parole. - Walter!

- Do you think you can turn on the VCR

without electrocuting anybody? - Men who promised to love,

honor, and cherish-- - I wanna record Monique.

- [Monique] But didn't promise not to kill.

Ted served seven years in San Quentin

for putting rat poison in his wife's Slimquick Milkshake.

Bob is still serving a life sentence in Massachusetts

for shooting his wife to death.

(rustling in the box drowns out Monique)

- Clara, (speaking in a foreign language)

oh Clara, (speaking in a foreign language)

por the back.

- Oh, the back rubber.

What would I do with that?

- Good question.

Clara, clean.

- Press both buttons simultaneously to begin recording.

Boy, there sure are a lot of buttons.

Why do they make these things so stupidly complicated?

Then if I click, ah!


- What did you do with the electric chair?

- The what?

- The back massager, what did you do with it?

- It's in the bathtub.

- No it's not.

You're not trying to fix it, are you?

- I thought I might have a look at it.

- You don't you try to teach it to open the garage door.

- Going shopping, are we?

- As a matter of fact,

I am having lunch with Loretta.

- At 9:15 in the morning?

- We may pick up a few things.

- How can you stand to spend your whole life shopping?

- You spend yours working.

- If I hadn't worked so hard,

you wouldn't have any money to go shopping with.

- If I didn't shop so much,

you wouldn't have had any reason to work.

What are you doing today?

- I don't know.

Maybe I'll watch Monique.

Then at least we'd have something in common.

(audience laughing)

- All right Bob, I have to know.

Now tell me, why didn't you just divorce her?

- And give her half of everything?

She already spent all the money I made.

She shopped till I dropped.

- First the brakes in my car,

then that awful night in the garage,

then the attack of the killer hot tub.

- I know you've been having a lot of accidents lately,

but maybe it's just some kind of a syndrome.

- What if they're not accidents?

What if, I know this sounds crazy, but,

what if Walter were trying to kill me?

- What? - Sh.

- Irma, you and Walter have been married

for almost 30 years.

Now honey, if he wanted to kill you,

don't you think he would've gotten around to it by now?

Besides, you've forgotten the most important thing.


I mean, what possible motive could he have?

You look great.

- It's true, I do look great.

I guess I'm just being silly.

I mean, it isn't as if he had a reason,

as if there was another woman or.

- [Loretta] What?

- Over there. - Where?

- It's Walter.

He's with a, a bimbo.

- Where? - Behind you.

- I can't find my glasses.

- Make that a bimbette.

He said, he said he was gonna stay home

and watch television.

Never seen a set with knobs like that.

- Who is it, is it anyone we know?

- These women don't have names.

They just have telephone numbers. (crying out)

- [Loretta] What, what?

- [Irma] He's giving her a gift.

- Is it nice?

- It's a necklace.

- [Loretta] What does it look like?

- Unlike her chest, it looks real.

Well, let me tell you something.

Mr. Walter Summers, he just better have

a good divorce attorney, that's what,

if he thinks I'm just gonna roll over and play dead,

he's got a... (sneaky music)

Oh Loretta.

- [Machine] You have two messages.

(beeping) Wednesday, 11:00 a.m. (beeping)

- [Kyle] Walter, this is Carl

from your life insurance company.

I've got the information you wanted on your wife's policy.

Have a good one. (machine beeps)

- [Machine] Wednesday, 11:25 AM. (beeps)

- [Wolfy] Uh, Mrs. Summers, this is Wolfy.

Your Mercedes is ready.

We could find nothing wrong with the brakes mechanically.

It looks as if someone cleaned out all of the fluid

to make the brakes go kaput.

Auf wiedersehen.

- Can't be. (machine beeps)

Not Walter.

I gotta call somebody.

- He says it was psychological self defense.

What's your reaction to that?

- I don't think it's fair to blame his wife.

I mean, she didn't ask to be murdered, did she?

- [Audience] That's right.

- Look, I'm not trying to stigmatize or anything.

But why didn't she ever say to me,

"Hey, what are your needs?"

I felt deprived.

(audience applauding)

- [Female Audience Member] Tell him!

- [Monique] Murdering your wife was really a cry for help.

- Well, not entirely.

I'd started seeing Tiffany.

(audience coos and chuckles)

- (speaking in a foreign language) Twinkie.

- [Walter] Irma! (dramatic music)

- I think that she knew there was something wrong

with the relationship.

- [Monique] You mean before you killed her?

- That's right.

It actually had gotten to the point

where we had started seeing a marriage counselor.

- [Monique] Obviously the counselor didn't help.

- [Bob] I wouldn't say that.

It definitely worked out in the short run.

- [Monique] Now, I wouldn't want to violate the sanctity

of the profession, but would it be possible for you

to share with us some of the counseling you received?

I mean, I think we'd all be interested in hearing

how a qualified professional would try

to deal with these things.

- Irma, how long you been here?

- About 30 years.

Been shopping around here?

- Yeah, I just picked up a few things.

I thought I'd make some changes around the house.

You know what they say, the right tool for the job.

Oh, any messages?

- No. - You're sure?

- I said no.

- Determine how each of us was helping the other

realize those actions necessary to fully maximize

our potential within the context of the relationship.

- [Monique] What did that mean for your marriage

in every day terms?

- [Bob] That we should talk to each other.

- [Monique] Did you?

- Looking back, I'd have to say not as much as we should.

- So basically, there was a lack of communication.

- That's right, Monique, we just weren't dialoguing.

- So you bought a gun?

- Hey, I'm not saying it was the best solution.

But it's what I did.

And I've learned to accept it.

(audience applauding)

(gently suspenseful music)

- [Woman Audience Member] I just want to say

that I don't think it's right to condemn

the murderer in the middle.

- Bob. - Bob, right.

- [Female Audience Member] I don't think it's fair

to sit in judgment on Bob for killing his wife.

I mean, except for that one mistake, he was a good husband.

(audience catcalls)

- [Monique] What about when he cut up the body

with a chainsaw?

- [Female Audience Member] Oh, did Bob do that?

I thought that was Ted.

- [Monique] No, Ted buried his wife in the backyard

and covered her with quicklime.

(dramatic music intensifies)

When we come back, women who marry (music drowns out words).

Is it a fairytale romance or a (music drowns out words).

(audience applauding)

(phone ringing)

- Police department.

- Police, this is Irma Summers.

Could you come right over?

- What a surprise, Mrs. Summers, prowler?

- [Irma] Yes.

- Mm-hm, it was your husband last time, ma'am.

- He wants to kill me, you idiot.

- [Officer] Could you put Mr. Summers on the line please?

- Are you crazy?

The man's a killer, why would he want to talk to the police?

- [Walter] Irma! (Irma snivels)

- Loretta!

We are now very late again.

- [Loretta] Gilbert, I can't find my eyebrow pencil.

- If you didn't pluck them out, dear,

you wouldn't have to draw them back on.

(phone ringing)


- Gilbert, listen it's me.

- [Gilbert] Who?

- Irma.

Is Loretta there, can I speak to her?

- Yeah, she's here, but she can't come to the phone

because she doesn't have her makeup on.

- Talk about vain.

Gilbert, you gotta help me.

It's Walter.

I think he's trying to kill me.

- Well, when he's through with you over there,

would you send him over here please?

Thank you.

- Gilbert? Gil?


(dramatic music)

(suspenseful music)

(dramatic music)

- [Walter] Irma!

- Coming dear!

(mimcking shooting)

- Irma!

Irma, what are you doing up there?


- I can't, I haven't even worn it yet.

- What are you doing?

Come here!

- We should've bought a ranch house.

- Irma.

Unlock the door.

(Irma groans) (dog barking)

- $1400 and the sleeve comes off the first time

you try to climb down it.

- Irma?



(dogs barking)

(crickets chirping)

(owl hooting)

- I don't know why you have this time about being on time.

It's positively fascist.

(car starts)

And I intend to be late for Ginger's wedding on Saturday.

I'm not about to hurry for your little secretary.

(suspenseful music)

(car engine roaring)

- I thought they would never leave.

- At least he takes her some place.

- Look, this is a key to the front door.

And this key turns off the alarm system.

- Danny, why do I have to break in?

Couldn't I just create a diversion

like when you're shoplifting?

- Well, what are you gonna do, Teresa,

go and ask the neighbors for a price check?

You've got to learn by doing.

That is the secret to education.

I can't tell you how many people would just love

to be studying with an expert like myself.


(quirky music)


- Irma? Irma!

What'd I do?

(quirky music)

(dog barking)

- Keep away from me!

You've got your own coat!

Get lost, just get lost!

Move, move (barks), a water hydrant.

Leave with a coyote, leave me alone.

(quirky music)

(dog barking) (dramatic music)

- I just hope that wasn't beluga.

Those are Louis Vuitton suitcases.

Don't even think about burying them.

- Excuse me, have you seen my wife around here?

(dog barking)

Well, that sounds like her now, thanks a lot.

(quirky music)

(tires squealing)

- Are you the new maid?

- Just temporary.

- Mrs. Lyman home?

- Uh, they went out.

- I'm Mrs. Summers, Mrs. Lyman's friend.

She wouldn't mind if I hide here.

- What are you hiding from? - My husband.

- [Walter] Irma! (women shriek)

- That's him, he's trying to kill me!

- Don't even think about it.

(dog whining)

Irma, I know you're in there!

- Why would your husband wanna kill you?

- Why does any middle-aged man wanna kill his wife?

So he can make whoopee with a twinkie like you, no offense.

- Why doesn't he just get a divorce?

- Because then I would get the house.

Can you imagine?

He wants to kill me for a measly $3 million!

- Was it something I said?


(dog barking)

- I don't believe it, the car's gone.

- It's probably stolen.

Do you know we've had 13 break-ins

in this neighborhood since January?

- Come on.

- You know where fear is, he lives in Beverly Hills.

- Irma?

(dog barking)

What is her problem, what...

- Here we are.

- I wanna thank you so much for allowing me to come

into your beautiful home.

(sirens blaring)

I don't even know your name.

- Oh, it's Teresa.

Teresa VerMartin.

- Irma Summers.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

It would be if I weren't running for my life.

- Um, look, would you like some coffee?

I've got French roast.

- I would love a cup, it's my favorite.

- Hope you like instant. - Make that water.

- Could I use your telephone?

I just wanna call a cab.

What's the nearest four-star hotel?

- Oh no, no, you don't wanna do that.

That's what Walter is expecting you to do.

He's probably at home right now

calling every hotel in the city.

- You're right, and he would call the good ones.

I'll just call a girlfriend.

- No, you know, calling your friends is even worse

than going to a hotel.

Now think about what happened at Mrs. Lyman's house.

No, you're gonna stay right here where it's safe

until we figure out a way to get you out of this mess.

- I couldn't impose.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, it's no imposition.

Besides, you can't leave until you meet Danny.

- Danny, who's Danny?

- He's my boyfriend.

You know, he's always trying to get me

to meet people like you.

Look, sit down, relax, I'll get you a drink.

(gently dramatic music)

(gentle piano music) (sirens blaring)

(key turning in lock)

- Where am I?

- Is Danny here?

- No.

Who's Danny?

- My boyfriend, didn't he even call?

- They never do.

Oh, you've been shopping.

- Yeah, I just thought I'd pick up a few odds and ends,

kinda brighten the place up, you know.

Got some throw rugs and some pillows.

And I got a hide-a-bed sofa so you'd be

a little bit more comfortable, you know?

And look at this.

Don't you just love satin sheets?

Oh, I got you some clothes, too.

I hope you can wear my size.

I guess if you can't, I'll just have to keep them. (giggles)

- You shouldn't have gone to all of that trouble.

- Oh honey, it was no trouble at all.

I just put everything on credit cards.

- You have no idea how much this means to me.

For a perfect stranger to be so nice to me

when my own hus...

Sorry, it's just, my whole life is falling apart.

I don't know what to do.

- Irma, why don't you go get cleaned up?

Maybe that'll make you feel better.

- I could use a shower.

I mean, spending the night on a couch like this,

no offense,

I'll just be a few minutes.

- Irma.

It's that way.

- Thank you.

Next to the kitchen?

(wistful piano music)

- Hi Ginger, how are ya?

Is Gil in?

- Just stop right there.

That's from Mom for being so sweet.

She thinks I should wear the necklace at the wedding.

- Oh, that's terrific.

- I hope Mrs. Summers is gonna be there.

I'd love to meet her.

- I think I forgot to tell her.

- Again? - Yeah.

- Don't take this wrong, Mr. Summers,

but I hope all husbands aren't like you.

You must drive your wife crazy.

- Yeah, I do get her a little nuts now and then.

- No, no, no, no, Mr. Nakajima,

I do want to sell the company, I do,

but there's an obstacle.

See, there's a problem I have to resolve first.

Yeah? (knocking on the door)

- Busy? (Gilbert laughs)

- I'll call you back.

No, I'm not busy, come in, sit down.

- I hate to bother you like this.

- You're not, sit down.

- Place looks good. - Yeah.

- You look like a man with a problem, Walter.

It's Irma again, isn't it?

- She left me last night, Gilbert.

She must've been upset about something

because she packed her suitcase

and climbed out a window.

- You call the police?

- Oh yeah, they say they can't file a missing person report

until she's been gone for 48 hours.

- 48 hours?

That's not much time.

- Listen Gil, I know how busy you are.

But I don't have anybody else to turn to.

You've been such a help lately.

That idea about buying a gun was great.

I know it would've made Irma feel safer in the house.

And she loved the back massager

until it almost electrocuted her.

You know, I can't find that thing anywhere.

- Walter, the thing is,

you want me to help you find Irma, don't you?

- I just don't know where else to turn.

- Don't you worry.

I'm not gonna rest until we find her.

- You're a good person, Gil.

We'll talk? - You bet.

(suspenseful music)

- 48 hours.

- Yes, hello.

I'd like two first-class tickets to, hmm, Acapulco.

Yeah, early morning flight.

Uh huh.

No, no, I'll be paying by credit card.

Uh huh, Summers, Irma Summers. (door slams)

- I'm in no mood to talk, so just lay off me, all right?

- I'll have to call you back.

Where were you all night?

- In jail, all right?

- Serves you right for running out on me.

- Hey baby, are you crazy, I wouldn't run out on you.

- Oh no?

Well then what happened?

- Cops, baby, the neighborhood was crawling with them.

It was like the parking lot at Mr. Donut.

I'm telling you, I was trying to lure them away from you

when they got me.

- Well, what did they get you for?

- Parking ticket. (soda can fizzing)

- Who's taking a shower?

- Oh Danny,

something wonderful happened last night.

- (gasps) Yeah, I just bet it did.

- Danny!

- Look, this guy's not like a football player,

or anything, is he?

- Danny, it's a woman.

- Oh baby.

- [Irma] I don't need you Walter.

I don't need anybody.

I'm on my own, I can do it.

Just gotta find the plastic surgeon to fix these thighs,

but I can do it.

- [Danny] She really thinks her husband is gonna waste her?

- Yes, she's terrified of the guy.

As a matter of fact, I am the only person

she trusts anymore.

Danny, I'm telling you, we could get her to do

whatever we want.

Look at this, the woman is a walking gold mine.

Look at this.

- Yeah, we could take her for everything that she's got.

- This is the big score, just like you always said.

I'm finally learning, huh, Danny?

- You have come a long way, baby.


- Oh Danny, I made reservations for us to fly to Acapulco.

It could be like a honeymoon,

especially if we get married.

- Hey, what do we have to go anywhere for?

- Danny.

We don't wanna hang around once we get the money.

I mean, she's bound to figure it out sooner or later.

She is crazy, but she's not stupid.

- Hey, we don't have to worry about her catching on.

Not if we get rid of her.

We can make it look like an accident.

Better yet, we can make it look like her hubby did it.

That way, everyone will think she wasn't crazy after all.

- No, you're the one who's crazy.

- Hey, a man's got to do what a man's gotta do.

- Let me tell you something, Danny,

there are two things I won't do for money,

and killing is one of them.

- Hey, hey, hey, come on baby.

This is your Danny boy talking now.

Haven't I always taken good care of you?

You know I love you.

Gimme those credit cards.

- I am not gonna let you do this.

- I am warning you, Teresa-- - Hey, you want 'em,

you come here and get 'em,

because I am not giving them to you.

- Oh yeah, well-- - You are not gonna,

I am not gonna, you have not!

- I'm tired of you making me look stupid.

(ceramic cat smashing)

- I can't help it, Danny, you are stupid.

- Are you sure the two of you aren't married?

- Come on, let's get you dressed and get on out of here

before he wakes up.

Here, put this stuff on. - What?

- Just go, please, go, go, go. - I don't understand.

(dramatic music)

- I didn't mean to hit him so hard.

I've been taking this assertiveness seminar.

- [Teresa] Stop! Stop!

- Is Walter really having an affair?

- All I know is I saw them with my own two eyes,

and they were practically doing it on the table

I had no idea Walter was so interesting.

- Sh!

- Speak of the little devil.

- Loretta, have you seen or talked to Irma today?

- Oh no, Walter, but Gilbert told me

what happened last night.

You know, I am so sorry.

I think Irma is behaving in such an unsophisticated manner

about this. - What?

- I mean, imagine her thinking you were trying to kill her.

- What kind of talk is that, kill her, that's crazy

what are you talking about?

- That's what I told her.

I mean, if every man who had an affair

turned into a murderer,

my first husband would have been Jack the Ripper.

- Are you Mr. Summers?

Sir, are you Mr. Summers?

- Yes.

- Would you tell Irma that the nail that she ordered is in?

- How do you order a fingernail?

- I believe she charged it.

- Oh.

Credit cards, that right.

She can't leave home without them.

Irma thinks I am having an affair?

- Walter, she did see you yesterday having lunch

with another woman.

- (snorts) That was Gilbert's secretary, Ginger.

She's getting married.

I just bought her a wedding present.

We're just friends.

That's all.

- Isn't that just like a man?

He is already tired of her.

- I just don't believe Danny.

I mean, you live with a guy for two months

and you think you know everything about him.

- You're better off without him, Teresa.

I was married to Walter almost 30 years.

He never laid a hand on me,

right up until the time he tried to kill me.

You just don't ever know men, do you?

- This is Jekyll and Hyde syndrome.

- You watch Monique in the Morning?

- In the afternoons, too.

- You know, considering we're totally different,

we have a lot in common.

- (chuckles) Yeah.

(suspenseful music)

- Hello? - Hello.

- Listen, I'd like to report a stolen credit card.

- [Woman] If you'd like to report a stolen credit card,

please enter department code 371957797765412.


- Hello, what?

(upbeat music)

- [Irma] Are we going some place in particular

or are we just gonna keep on walking

till we meet Rod Sterling?

- Look, I figure we gotta get you out of town

before your husband finds you.

First we need some money to travel on.

- If we're looking for money,

we're in the wrong neighborhood.

- Hey, I grew up in this neighborhood.

- Really?


- Besides, there's plenty of money here

if you know where to find it, come on.

(phone ringing) (siren blaring)

- Could I see some ID?

- How about a driver's license?

- This woman has brown hair.

- Oh grow up.

- Do you have any other ID?

- Does a bear shop in the woods?

Here, try one of my gold cards.

- [Teresa] This place has a $300 limit,

but we'll just go from place to place to place

till you run out of checks.

- Isn't it dangerous carrying around all that money?

- You don't Walter to get his hands on it, do you?

Besides, if it bothers you, I'll carry it.

- There's a problem with this card.

- Problem?

- What kind of problem?

- It's been canceled, it was reported stolen.

- That's ridiculous.

I mean, how can it be stolen, I'm standing right here.

- Do you have any other credit cards?

- Of course, here, try this one.

It's always been good to me.

Wish I had one of those automatic money cards,

but Walter hates them.

Just like to push all those buttons.

- Is there a problem here?

- She's been using stolen credit cards for identification.

- Now look, this is all a big mistake.

I use these cards every single day, sometimes twice a day.

- Really, well, we'll see.

- Yes, we will see. - Sh, sh.

- Yes, indeed we will see.

I want both of your names-- - Could we possibly sit down?

- Right now! - Moms!

- Mom? - Feet are swollen.

- Who are you calling mom?

Big sister, maybe, and that's a maybe, but mom?

- He's calling the cops, come on!

- The cops?

Cancel my credit cards, that rat.

It's bad enough he's trying to kill me,

but I never thought he'd sink so low.

- Why don't you stop complaining and try to think

of another way for us to get some money.

- I found a quarter, I could call Robby.

- Who is Robby?

- He's my son.

He's on a commune in Idaho seeking spiritual enlightenment.

- Do you think he'd believe

your husband's trying to kill you?

- I doubt it.

We haven't been close since he changed his name

to Pushna Rajneesh.

- Can you spare 50 cents?

Come on, come on, come on.

Hey, that's only a quarter.

- So sue me.

You think he'd be grateful.

I'm homeless too, ya know.

- Irma, how much is that coat worth?

- Isn't it beautiful, I have four of them.

I almost wore my zebra one,

but I thought it would make me too much of a target.

- I bet you have a lot of jewelry at home, too.

- I don't like to brag, but from Cartier,

I have four of the most exquisitely matched set of pearls.

Then from Winston, I have this big cut bracelet.

Tiffany, of course, I have all the Schlumberger stuff,

and the Polo-- - Hey, I got an idea.

(phone ringing)

- Maid By Day, go ahead.

- Yes I'd like to order a cleaning crew for tomorrow,

Mrs. Summers.

- What's the address?

- Oh, just a sec, I always get it mixed up

with the beach house.

- What's your address?

- We can't go there.

- Oh honey, just trust me, what's your address?

- 412 Beverly Park Terrace.

It's the good block.

- That's 412 Beverly Park Terrace.

It's the good block, ciao.

- Good block, thank you.

- Now, all we have to do is show up for work tomorrow.

- Work?

Oh no, there's gotta be a better way

to get into my house.

We could hire a burglar.

- With what?

We'll be lucky if we can find a place to sleep tonight.

Just come on.

- Work?

- Will you come on and stay close.

- [Man] It is a fake, my friend.

- What do you mean a fake?

$30 huh?

How about taking this coat instead?

Gimme the coat.

Gimme the coat, gimme the coat.

- Let go of my coat. - Hey.

- Would you like to sleep under a freeway instead?

- I have named every pelt personally.

- Well, tell them goodbye.

(people yelling)

- Don't see why we couldn't have given them

some of your clothes.

- Stop complaining.

At least the man was nice enough to throw in dinner.

- Dinner, I hardly consider, uh,

I hardly consider a six-pack and a curry burrito dinner.

I'd have rather eaten my coat.

- Look, you didn't need that chinchilla here anyway.

All it is is asking for trouble.

- Being with you is like being in Aspen.

- Oh please, would you just stop.

Oh, here we are.


(Irma groans)

(sirens blaring)

- This place just screams for a decorator.

Come on, let's go back to your place.

I'm sure Danny has forgotten everything already.

- Come back here.

You didn't hit him that hard.

Besides, I go back there now he'll probably kill both of us.

- Guess you know better than I do.

But why you even wanna know him at all, I can't imagine.

- Well, you'd know why if you'd ever try

to make it on your own.

- You can't expect a man to come along and solve

all of your problems.

That's the Prince Charming syndrome.

- Oh yeah?

Well, while we're analyzing me, what about you?

- Me?

- If you're not the Sleeping Beauty syndrome,

then I'm Snow White.

- There is more to life than money, Teresa.

- Oh please, why do rich people always say that?

You know, everybody doesn't have it as easy as you.

- I'll have you know I worked for a living.

I was a receptionist.

- Yeah?

For how long?

- Six months.

Then I married the boss.

But I could've made it on my own anyhow.

And you could, too.

You could go out there and get a perfectly good job.

- Oh yeah, I could learn how to type.

Ooh, wouldn't that be something.

- What's so terrible about learning how to type?

- Oh Irma, give me a break.

Look, I am not interested in getting by.

I wanna be somebody.

Get a job, get a job is just what they tell you

when they want to keep you down.

There is only one way to make it, and it's not by working.

- Yeah, well, Walter did.

He started out with absolutely nothing.

He went out and got a job and look where he is today.

- Oh well, fine.

Maybe Walter did earn his money, but you didn't.

You married it. - So what?

- So don't go looking down on me for taking up with Danny.

You know, I could go out on the street

and be a hooker and it would be the same as what you did,

only you made more money.

- That is the rottenest thing anyone has ever said to me.

You've done something you're very ashamed about,

haven't you?

- What? - Uh, huh, huh, huh,

I saw it on Monique week.

It's the I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay syndrome,

when people lose and they're really upset and ashamed of,

they take their self-hatred out on others.

Well, don't you start doing that to me, okay?

- Okay! - I said okay!

- Okay! Okay!

And I'm not gonna eat this on a hot plate, either.

- My name is Irma Summers.

Yes, I'd like to confirm a reservation to Acapulco

at 7:20 tomorrow morning?

Thank you.

All right, lady, come on, time to get up and go to work.

Come on.

- Not me, Clara, wake up Senor Walter.

- Hey!

I'm not your maid, okay?

Come on.

- Even my mother never let me help around the house.

I know it sounds crazy, but she says I made her nervous.

You people work for a living.

I think that's great, I respect that.

I mean, I understand it.

I mean, I have nothing against housework.

I just was lucky enough never to have to do it.

I mean, I was, I was smart enough to be able to marry a man

who could afford a maid.

Is that my fault?

I mean-- - All right, Curly,

let's go to work.

- Please.

Wait a second that's not my,

that's not Mrs. Summers' house.

- That's the afternoon job.

Here, you can do the toilet.

- I don't know why I didn't think of it before.

Irma left a trail behind her like a slug with a go-cart.

- I'm sorry, but you can't get credit

unless you have credit.


- Yes, my wife bought something here yesterday.

- Ah, the return department is right around the corner.

- No, no, I don't want to return anything.

I just want to know what it was.

- Why don't you ask your wife?

- It's a long story.

- Listen, she used a charge card.

I thought maybe you could check your records.

Do me a favor, please, her name is Irma Summers.

- Aha, all right, it came from the home furnishings

department, a queen-sized hide-a-bed sofa

with Super Stain Away protection.

It went out on the truck this morning.

- Yes, yes, where was it being delivered?

- 6711 Yonka.

- Thank you lady. - Thank you.

(upbeat electronic music)

♪ Isn't love wonderful

♪ Isn't love grand

♪ Just don't have the time

♪ To lend a helping hand

♪ Isn't this beautiful

♪ Isn't this fun

♪ Shop till the day is over

♪ Shop till the day is done

(vacuum drowns out lyrics)

♪ What's that got to do with me ♪

♪ There's plenty enough to go all around ♪

♪ After all, it's the land of the free ♪

♪ Isn't that wonderful

- Far enough, Curly.

♪ Isn't love grand

♪ Isn't this beautiful

♪ Isn't this fun

♪ Yeah yeah yeah yeah

- [Boss] What are you doing?

- Looking for bugs.

♪ Isn't this fun? (water splashing)

- Well, this is the address.

What would she be doing here?


(phone ringing)

(dial done ringing)

- Nothing? - No.

- Would you look at this place?

You know, maybe she's been kidnapped.

- How long before the police put out

one of those missing persons bulletin things?

- Ah, oh, the 48 hours are up tomorrow morning.

- That soon.

Walter, you look really tired.

Why don't you go home, get some rest,

clean up, little nap, whatever.

For all we know, Irma could be on her way home right now.

- All right. - All right?

- Call you later?

- Thanks, Gil.

- Hey, hey buddy!

Hey, hey buddy!

Yeah you, big fella, how about giving me a hand here?

Little help, come on.

- Have I seen you somewhere before?

- A lot of people get me confused with Arsenio.

- Oh.

- I've got my eye on you.

- Irma.

- I'll bet she knows Leona Helmsley.

- Irma. Irma look.

Just stay on her good side and we'll get the jewelry, okay?

- Curly! - Okay.

- Is Mrs. Summers home?

- No, she's probably out shopping.

- Yeah, they usually are.

All right, let's go to work!

Ah ah ah.

(dog barking)

- [Irma] Buenos dias.

- [Man] 500 for that? Nah.

- And so I figure, the little hustler's

just trying to get money out of your wife.

But when I tried to stop her,

she hit me over my head and took off.

- Wow.

You don't think she's do anything to hurt Irma, do you?

- I bet you'd do just about anything

to get that little woman back, wouldn't you?

- You mean like a reward?

- No, I mean like money.

How much?

- A thousand dollars.

- $1,000, is that all she's worth to you?

- I can go two, I can go two.

- Man, some women spend that much on one dress.

- You're telling me?

- I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I will find your wife for you.

$5,000, how does that sound?

- 5,000, oh wow.

Yeah, 5,000, that's reasonable, huh?

- Don't you worry about a thing.

Just go home and relax.

- You'll call me?

- I've got your number. - Okay.

(vacuum running)

- Hi Clara.

You're not Clara.

- [Boss] Curly!

- She must've ordered a cleaning crew because she left.

- Buenos dias.

- Sure, one maid's not enough for her.

(Teresa gasps)

- Where the hell do you keep your jewelry?

- Well, you don't think I'd just keep it

laying around, do you?

Come on.

Look at these, they're perfectly matched.

I got them from this charming transvestite last year.

I was at a party with Walter in Washington.

I met Barbara Bush, I was wearing this.

And she said, "I want that necklace."

I said, "Babs, no way am I gonna give you my ne--"

- Go, go, go, go.

- Walter used to give me rings for our anniversaries.

Every year I got a ring.

Look, this was for my 10th.

That was my 11th.

That was my 12th.

We had a fight that year.

- Look, is there anything else?

- Are you kidding?

Uh, is that me?

Look at my hair, it's so, so...


One day, one day and my looks are ruined,

ruined by hard work.

What to do, what to do, what to do, what to do?

- Well, would you just hurry up?

- I wonder if that fingernail I ordered ever came in?

- Irma, we're here to get jewelry, not makeup.

- I don't have a choice.

- Yes, you have a choice.

Would you find the rest of the jewelry?

Come on, show me.

(suspenseful music)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

- Uh, hi, Gilbert, Walter.

- Walter, I was just thinking about you.

Have you found Irma yet?

- No, but listen to this.

I ran into somebody who's seen her.

His name is Danny and he says, are you ready?

He said that Irma ran off with some low-life street hustler.

- Well, listen, when you find out where she is,

let me know, will you, Walter?

- I'm so glad you're there for me, Gilbert.

- Okay, good luck, bye.

(suspenseful music)

- Excuse me.

- Oh, is this all of it?

- Are you kidding?

The best stuff's under the bed, come on.

- Ah, excuse me, would you go clean in another room?

I want to get ready to take a shower.

Uh, (speaking in a foreign language), nah.

You be back half hour, okay?

And you clean then. - Okay.

- Excuse me.

Have I seen you before?

- I no comprendo.

- Guess who?

- Loretta, what are you doing here?

- Walter, I just knew you must be lonely.

- Lonely, the place is crawling with women.

What are you doing?

- Oh Walter, don't be coy.

You know what I'm talking about.

- Oh hey, oh I got that silly tree to cut down.

Those still squirrels keep going up in the attic.

- Oh Walter, you're such an animal.

Men only cut down trees to prove their virility.

It's that Phallic Fantasy syndrome.

Darling, your fantasies are over, I'm here.

Miss, what are you doing?

- Yo no comprendo.

- I've been married 30 years, I'm taken, Loretta.

- Walter, 30 years of caged passion.

- I've gotta go to the post office.

- Walter!

I just want you to know that you can have me

whenever you want me.

I'll beg, I'll crawl.

Honey, what is your problem?


Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

- No, no, I'm just temporary.

- Huh.

Gee, you know, she looks familiar too.

Oh, I know what it is, she has a big fat rear end,

just like Irma.

Well, clean honey. (Irma quietly yelling)

- I've never been so insulted since Walter's mother said

I look like her.


My best friend, the minute my back is turned!

- Did you hear how she treated me?


I didn't know I was her pet chihuahua.

- Teresa, clean is just an expression.

- Yeah, and she's just a brainless rich bimbo like you.

No offense.

But come on, let's get out of here.

- Wait.

That way.

Come on.

(upbeat dance music)

I guess I should have spent more time on my marriage.

But I was so wrapped up in my own little world of shopping

and hairdressers and lunch with the girls.

I mean, I had to have something to do.

Walter was away at work all day.

And Pushna Rajneesh was at the University of Pennsylvania.

I guess I was just lonely.

- Sounds like the Empty Nest syndrome.

You want another one?

- Yeah, please.

To the top.

- [Bartender] Oh yeah.

- Aw, what are you looking so down about?

We're supposed to be celebrating.

- Yeah right.

My husband's trying to kill me.

My best friend is trying to mate my husband.

I just broke into my house and stole my own jewelry.

Hey, things just don't get any better than this.

- Oh Irma, please.

You know, you oughta stop feeling so sorry for yourself.

There are a whole lot of people

that are a whole lot worse off than you are.

Oh, come on, here, I'm gonna teach you how to dance.

- Dance? - Come on!

- I don't dance and-- - Learn to do the cha-cha.

- Oh yes. - I don't dance!

- Oh you dance, honey.

Hips, hips, move those hips.

- What are you trying to do this is (muffled yelling).

- Spread them out!

- No, I'm not gonna spread my legs.

- Do you know (speaking in a foreign language)?

- Get back here, this is Lambada, the forbidden dance,

the dance of love. - The dance of (shrieks).

- Come here, come here.

One, two, one, two, three, one, two, three,

one, two, three.

Wait a minute, something wrong with this picture.


- What are you doing?

What's he coming over here for?

Who is he?

Excuse me, sir, have you got a name?

Wait, wait!

Oh, my hips.

Oh, my!


- [Agent] May I help you?

- Yes, do you have any flights to Acapulco?

- [Agent] Yes, we do, we have several.

- Well, yeah, see my wife made a reservation

and she forgot to tell me what airline.

Her name is Irma Summers.

♪ It's my party and I'll cry if I want to ♪

♪ Cry if I want to

♪ Cry if I want to

♪ You'd cry too if it happened to you ♪

- Ooh, does that feel good.

- Do you know something, Teresa?

You are so much more fun than Loretta.

She only dances to shake her old fat sailor.


Teresa? - What?

- When we sell the jewelry,

I want you to have half the money.

It's the least I can do after what you've done for me.

- Oh come on, Irma, I haven't done anything

anyone else wouldn't have done.

- That's not so.

Somebody else would've taken advantage of me.

You know what you are?

You're my first true friend.

- Come on, let's go to sleep.

I'll take the chair.

- I get the bed.

Did you ever sleep in leather?

♪ It's my party and I'll cry if I want to ♪

♪ Cry if I want to

(birds chirping)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Yeah, oh hi, Wolfy, yeah, this is Mr. Summers.

Listen, I'm late for a wedding.

I don't know why I'm going to a wedding, but,

can I call you back later?

No, I didn't get your message.

Oh, so what was wrong with the brakes?

(suspenseful music)


Are you sure, Wolfy?

Yeah, thanks.

(tires squealing)

(phone ringing)

(answering machine beeping)

- [Irma] Hello, this is the Summers residence.

I'm out shopping and Walter's probably in the garage,

so you'll have to leave a message,

'cause we're not there (giggles).

Wait for the beep.

- [Danny] Hey, hey Walt, this is Danny.

Look, I think I'm gonna need a little expense money.

It looks like your better half is taking off to Acapulco.

Yeah, well, I'll talk to you later.

- Danny, hi, it's Walter.

- You sound different, Walt.

- Yeah, must be a bad connection.

Danny, I've been thinking it over,

and I've come to a conclusion.

I don't want Irma back.


You know what I'm saying? - No.

- I want you to kill her, Danny.

How does $25,000 strike you?

- Damn, Walter, I don't know.

To kill a woman in cold blood?

How about 50?

- 50, you want 50?

All right, all right, but it's gotta be done today.

- All right, all right, just as soon as I get my gun

out of the pawn shop. (giggles)

- Danny, I got a... (dial tone humming)

Great, great, my entire future depends on whether a moron

can find a gun.

You can't trust people to do anything important anymore.

God forbid there should be an emergency.

Hello, I'd like to know what flights you have

available to Acapulco today.

Uh huh.

Okay, thank you.

(phone ringing)

- Walter, would you, would you get that, please?

Go away.

- [Man] We're calling about the ticket you ordered?

- What ticket?

I didn't order any ticket.

- [Man] We wanted to tell you your credit card was stolen.

- I know my credit cards are stolen.

I'm the one who stole them.

- [Man] Do you still want to go to Acapulco?

- Acapulco?

Teresa, are we going to Acapul...

- [Man] Hello?

Hello, are you still there? - Teresa?

- [Man] Hello? Ma'am?

(suspenseful music)

(twinkling dramatic, suspenseful music)

- Look out, excuse me, look out, wait!

Pardon me, pardon me, excuse me!

Hey, hold it, just hold it, please, excuse me!

No, no, no, the door, wait!

Hold it, wait, oh!

They're never on time.

What kind of an airline is this?

- [Loudspeaker] Passenger Steven Reynolds,

please pick up the white courtesy phone.

All passengers with boarding passes for Flight 622

for Los Angeles, please proceed to Gate 17.

(suspenseful music)

Flight 36 for Indianapolis, (gun clicking)

now boarding at Gate 21. (Irma muffled shrieking)

(gun clicking)

There has been a schedule change for Flight 14

arriving in New York.

Information will appear on your video lounge momentarily.

- [Woman] Get out!

- Look, don't be afraid, it's me, Danny, Teresa's boyfriend.

Hey, you are Irma, aren't you?

- Of course I am. - What?

- Of course I'm Irma.

The next time you attack a woman, wear rubber gloves.

You've got sweaty palms.

- I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little nervous.

Your husband offered me $50,000 to kill you.

- What? - Hey but I am willing

to negotiate, what do you say?

- I say you're a money-grabbing piece of slime,

that's what I say.

How about $50,000 not to kill me?

- How about 100?

- 100,000?

Is that not to kill me one time,

or does the 100,000 cover me for the rest of my life?

- What if I told you that you never have to worry

about your husband again, do you know what I'm saying?

- No.

- I am the answer to the problems

that you have been looking for.

- I haven't got the slightest idea

what you're talking about.

Look, why don't we just forget we ever met each other, okay?

I bet you're really good at forgetting things.

- Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey.

I get it.

You don't wanna know anything.

Okay, I'm cool.

Don't forget, 100,000.

- It's like talking to Walter.

Excuse me, are you an employee?

Then don't forget to wash your hands.

- I'm not trying to be a role model.

But if I can have it all in my life,

then hey, so can you.

You deserve the best.

After all, you're a very special person.

(people yelling)

(door slamming)

- What are you doing here?

- I was watching Monique till I ran out of quarters.

- Is that why you came back, to watch Monique?

Or did you remember there was something

you'd forgotten to steal?

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, cut the act, Teresa, I know you took the jewelry.

Got me to trust you, make me think you were my friend.

And you took the money and ran.

- You know, I should've known better

than to try to fool you.

I forgot, rich people know everything.

(melancholy music)

- Teresa!

Wait a second, Teresa, wait a second!

Teresa, Teresa, wait, Teresa!

Teresa, Teresa, oh my God.

- What do you want me to do?

You want me to say I'm sorry?

- It's a start.

- Well, I'm not sorry, okay?

I just wanted to make some money like everybody else.

I didn't do anything wrong.

- You keep thinking like that,

you're gonna start to believe it.

- Look, would you just go away and leave me alone?

- Fine, if that's what you want.

But first, I wanna ask you something.

- What?

- Why did you come back?

- I didn't mean to.

I was on my way to the airport.

I don't know, I just started thinking about things.

You know.

Look, maybe I just don't like to fly.

- Maybe you found out there's more to life than just money.

I know I did.

- Oh Irma, I'm sorry.

- Teresa.

Aw, Teresa. - I'm so sorry.

(blubbering and crying)

- The nice thing about not wearing makeup is

that when you cry, you haven't got any eyelashes

to float away. (laughing)

- You are so silly.

- [Irma] Come on, come on.

- Oh, would you leave that alone, you look great in it.

- Teresa, so you like me?

- Are you kidding?

- No, I mean really, really like me.

- Well now, I wouldn't wanna be your maid, but,

yeah, I do like you.

- You know, when I was a little girl,

I didn't have any friends?

- Oh.

- No, even my parents didn't like me.

They couldn't wait to get rid of me.

When I was 10 years old, they bought me a Porsche.

Everyone said I was a spoiled brat.

Here I am,

here I am 43 years old,

people still think I'm a spoiled brat.

- Maybe there's a Peter Pan syndrome for women.

- Maybe it's time I grew up.

- What are you talking about?

- Walter.

I can't keep hiding under the covers anymore,

hoping he won't find me.

I'm gonna do something about it.

You, too.

You can't just keep running away from all this

any more than I run away from Walter.

Sooner or later he's gonna find me.

I mean, if Danny found me, he's gonna find me.

- When did you see Danny?

- At the airport when I was looking for you.

You know, I couldn't understand one thing he was saying?

I mean, he said something about wanting to be my bodyguard

and if I gave him $100,000, I'd never have to worry

about Walter again, and the whole--

- What?

- He said if I gave him $100,000,

I'd never have to worry about Walter...

- Irma. - Oh, Teresa.

- Oh Irma! - Teresa!

- Oh look, there's a phone! - Oh Teresa!

- Oh darn it, no, no, no, no message.

I'll just catch up with him at the wedding.

(ominous music)

(phone ringing)

- Look, why don't you try and call Walter.

At least we can warn him.


(phone ringing)

- Hello, Summers residence.

- Clara, esta me, Mrs. Summers!

I need to speak to Senor Summers immediatemento,

hurry, hurry!

- Well no, he's not here, he went to a wedding.

- A wedding, a wedding where?

- At the Ambassador.

Mrs. Summers, where have you been?

- Come on. - What? What?

- Put on the burglar alarms!


("Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn)

- Oh Gil, I need to talk to you, alone.


- Okay, look, you'd better stay out of sight.

I'll go find Walter. - Okay.

(quirky sneaking music)

- Oh, ow, what is going on?

- Gilbert, you are not gonna believe this.

I just found out something.

I think somebody really is trying to kill Irma.

- Whoa, that is hard to believe.

Have you got any proof?

- Proof, someone drained the brake fluid

out of Irma's car.

And that back massager had to rigged on purpose

to short circuit.

That's why it disappeared,

so we couldn't check on the wiring.

It had to be the same person who locked her in the garage.

- What do the police say about all this?

- I haven't been to the police yet.

I'm afraid they'll think I cracked my mold or something.

I mean, this is nuts, there's no motive.

Who, who in the world would have any reason

to want to kill Irma?

(ominous music)

(gun clicking)

- Sh. (quirky sneaking music)

- Danny, what are you doing here?

- I am your worst nightmare.

- Yeah, you, thingie.

- What's the matter with your neck?

Look, your wife offered me $100,000 to kill you,

but I'm willing to negotiate.

For 150,000, I'll go back and I'll kill her.

What do you say?

- I don't want to kill Irma!

I just want her back, I love her.

- No, Walter.

- Oh Walter.

- Oh Walter, come on.

You offered me $50,000 if I killed her today.

- No, I didn't!

- Oh yeah, well then who did?

(Walter sputtering)

Come on, spit it out!

- [Irma] Gilbert.

- Look, I don't know what Walter's been telling you, but...

Where's Gilbert?

What's the matter with your neck?

(playful dramatic music) (yelling)

- You don't know who you're messing with, buddy!

(ceramic shattering)

- Yes!

- You know what, I hope my wedding's this nice.

- I'll make sure.

- Were they fighting over me?

(camera clicking)

- [Danny] All of this, what is this, don't do that, ow.

- All right, enough already, let's go, move it out.

Move it!

- [Walter] Way to go, Gil.

- Let's talk.

- Don't I know that girl?

Isn't she my maid?

- She's my friend,

- Irma, it is not like you to associate with people

of that class.

- Well, maybe I just got tired of being like me.

It was so much like being like you.

- I'm not quite sure how to take that.

- I mean, it's perfectly simple.

Are those the ugliest bridesmaid dresses you have ever seen?

- Will you stop and finish the story?

- Anyhow, Gilbert couldn't kill both of us.

It would've been too obvious.

So he figured if he killed me, made it look like you did it,

he could have gotten rid of us,

he'd be left with the tool and die company.

- That is incredible.

20 years with that man, and I still didn't know him.

- It's 'cause you don't watch Monique.

It's a typical Jekyll and Hyde syndrome.

- Shut up and just hold me.

Oh, you feel so good.

(romantic dance music)

- I must look terrible.

- Yeah, you're right, but I love you anyway.

Come on, let's dance.

Wait a minute.

- Oh Walter.

- Do you know the Lambada?


(upbeat dance music)

- Excuse me?

- It's th eLambada, Walter.

Now bend your knees, come on.

Put out your pelvis.

Now, one, two, three, one, two, three, that's great.

One, two, three.

- I like it, is this legal?

- Teresa, I'm starting to like this dress.

(upbeat electronic music)